#i had a whole fucking. thing typed out here but tumblr decided to refresh and deleted it all. double whatever

[cheolieji]

Roomates - Choi Seungcheol

pairings: idol!scoups x idol!reader

reader has boobs and vag

warnings/genre: smut, mentions of alcohol, mentions of food!!, swearing, pet names, fluff

the sex part is lowkey short cause idk

fuck was said at least 1000 times😨

you are Svts 14th member and have been roommates with seungcheol for a few months now. Nothing has happened yet, but who knows what could happen when two people who like each other drinks together.

mdni!!

don't like, don't read

a/n note: this is my first time writing on tumblr and first time writing in a few years + english isn't my first language so if there's any grammar/any type of mistakes don't be shy to point it out :)

updated a/n: This was a draft from Oct, so, no, It's not my first time writing on tumblr (not anymore). i deleted the previous draft and rewrote the whole thing, lmaoo

my brain stopped working when it went down to the actual smut omg

wanted it to be longer but im lazy

after a long day of shooting content, you and the members were exhausted. some went home, while some went out to eat, but you decided going home was the best idea. and so did seungcheol. and of course, you're going home with him, i mean, who else? you literally live with him

you two were approaching his car as he sped up a little to open the car door for you. You find his speed walking cute. "Thank you! Cheol, " "Of course, go ahead, watch your head"

as he's getting the car started, you asked, "cheol, do you wanna get something to eat before we go home? and maybe some drinks, too?" "Yeah, why not, we haven't drank together in a while, " says as he's putting his seatbelt on

after he bought the food and drinks (he went in to buy them while you were waiting in the car) you arrived home

taking your jackets off and hanging it on the rack, you sighed. "It's been such a long day, ughh i need a drink." "go wash your makeup off. I'll get the table ready.." "fineee"

felling refreshed, you went to help him set the table up. "we bought a lot of food, are we gonna finish it?" "i will, " he says, giving you a goofy smile

after a few shots, you were already tipsy. seungcheol is still completely fine. He's just admiring how you look while you're drunk

cheeks flushed, lips wet from the drink, and those eyes you give him.

"Why're you looking at me like that?" "No reason im just admiring your face." "Why admire from afar when you can come here? " you said, completely aware of what you're saying

"You come here." You walked over to him both hand on his shoulder while straddling his lap. he has his hands on your ass. "So? are you admiring me better now that im this close?" "So much better, babe"

leaning down to kiss him. it starts slow. Now he has his tongue down your throat with his hands roaming your body. and you're literally grinding on him. breathless, you let out a small moan. that led him to his edge. he picks you up while still kissing the hell out of you, walking to his room and almost tripping over a bag. putting you on the bed as he strips down, leaving his boxers on. you barely had anything on, so you just took your tank top and shorts off

you can see how big he is, even with his boxers on

he goes in for another rough kiss before putting his finger on the wet patch on your panties, sliding it off you. his big and long fingers doing circles on your clit "fuckk-" he pushes them in slowly before pumping your wet juicy cunt, it's so quiet the only thing that can be heard is your moans and the sound of your pussy. it's like music to his ears

"fuck me cheol.." "beg for it" as he's going faster with his hands "fuck.. ahh please–fuck me baby i need you so bad" he stops in his track, licking your juices off his fingers "shit babe you taste so good"

taking his boxers off and pushing your legs back to your chest. fuck his dick is big. "Can i put it in, baby?" "fuck yeah, just do it already please" he enters slowly "fuuck, you're so tight" resting a bit before moving, low grunts can be heard from him

"shit-ahh harder." he goes harder, balls slapping against your pussy "fuck you're so big" hearing that made his ego rise a little, he grabs your legs as he goes harder and faster than before "fuckkk ahh yeaaa" in overwhelming pleasure you scratched his back without realising "shit im sorry" "no, keep going" kissing you roughly before moving to your neck giving you hickeys

"Ah, 'm gonna cum-" "Yeah? cum for me baby" getting sloppy with each thrust. reaching your high he continues fucking into you for a little bit more before plopping next to you and kissing you on the cheek

he moved to cuddle you as if he didn't just ruin your insides a second ago, "you okay, babe? need anything? water? snacks?" "im okay baby, maybe later, " you said, hugging him in your arms

this is lowkey bad but who gives a fuck i don't get paid lmao

[tokitooth]

idk why i avoided calling it that for this long it’s literally fine. peace and love <3

maybe i am kin Whatever

[genesisrose74]

Christmas with the Karasuno Boys (HC’s)!!

Part 1: Daichi, Suga, Asahi, Nishinoya, Tanaka, & Ennoshita

Part 2 (Kageyama, Hinata, Tsukishima, Yamaguchi, Kinoshita, & Narita) here!!

A/n: Tumblr said my word count was too much so I’m splitting this bad boi up into two parts :p Enjoy!!

*****

Daichi

A huge romantic during Christmas, 10/10 quality cliche times spent together

You wanna go ice skating? Hell yeah sweetheart, he will make it the most beautifully romantic thing you’ve ever seen

Like straight out of a holiday postcard type beat

Istg the rink he takes you to looks like a more heartwarming version of Rockefeller Center

He’s a big keeper of tradition when it comes to making plans, but doesn’t mind a bit of nonsense fun when everything falls into place

Which is why you love to bring the team along on adventures because they make everything all the more entertaining

At first he’s confused like ??? You don’t have to do that just if they’ve been pestering you about it

But then he realizes you care as much about them as he does (hint: a hell of a lot) and they���re thus invited along for some stuff

Of course y’all also get some quality time together on dates with just you both

Anyways you and Daichi have talked a lot about traveling and how he was really interested in seeing new places

So as his gift you got him a carved map with a roll of red string and thumbtacks, so that he could plan out all the places he wanted to visit

You know how when Kiyoko found the “Fly” banner for Karasuno and all the boys cried?

Yeah

Like that but with lots more hugging and laughing

“You know you’re gonna have to help with mapping this out, right?”

“Is that an invitation I hear?”

“Oh, that’s a promise”

FJSFJDSK ALEXA PLAY AMERICAN BOY BY ESTELLE—

Please I love him; he is so damn sly and sassy I will die with this headcanon

Sugawara

I swear on everything that Christmas with him is equivalent to a Hallmark movie

It smells like joy and warmth wherever he is, and this season only amplifies it

He is such a cheeseball without even having to try

But it’s in the really endearing and heart-melting way,,, just MMM PERFECT

He’ll take you on a walk through those neighborhoods with those crazy light decorations in the front yard and buy you hot chocolate

If he sees a group of little kids gaping at all the lights, he’ll leave them starry-eyed with stories of magic, reindeer, Santa and so-forth

“You know, I’ve heard that Rudolph’s nose is supposed to be brighter than the world’s most powerful Christmas light”

Good heavens, children absolutely adore this man

Anyways he’ll make it a little game as y’all walk around this beautifully lit neighborhood, both of you with a different assortment of bingo squares printed on paper

First one to bingo chooses a movie to watch after getting back to Suga’s house

Will wrap a big fluffy blanket around you both and pull you into his chest while watching the movie

For his gift, you got a star named after him

It’s because y’all alway go stargazing for dates every month, just to sit out, talk and cuddle

Suga gave you the SOFTEST look after opening your gift and this cute little card you made 🥺

“Lets go try to find my new favorite star”

PLEASE HE IS SO SWEET

“Right now? Koushi it’s 11:30 pm”

“Just for ten minutes, and then I’ll get you home”

So y’all spend the rest of Christmas Eve on his roof, sipping warm tea and attempting to locate Star Suga

Asahi

Cuddle bear alert ‼️‼️

It’s basically hibernation time for him, because he’s not the biggest fan of cold

That’s alright with you though 😌 more coziness for you

Lots of quality moments indoors means more creative dates

A whole day devoted to chill present wrapping? Hell fuckin’ yeah

Nice music, pretty wrapping paper, shiny bows, maybe a little Christmas rom-com playing in the back — the whole shebang

You find out pretty quickly that despite how it sounds, it’s actually quite a satisfying and enjoyable pastime

Practically had to drag him out of your living room to secretly wrap his own gift

As much as he’s the king of timidity and soft™, he can be very playfully stubborn when he’s comfortable, hence why he was such an ass to get out of the room

I have no doubt that Asahi would melt for the most adorable, cheesy shit

So you not only bought him some really reliable headbands for volleyball use, but you also made a little coupon booklet

He can basically cash in paper promises for certain things, like getting to choose the next date idea, picking a movie to watch without any objection, having you make his favorite food, etc.

There’s one that he can exchange for a full out spa day trip, because good heavens he’s a sucker for those

Massage and exfoliation and everything — it makes him feel ✨refreshed✨

He was ecstatic fam, I don’t even know what to say

Like a puppy who just got a bunch of toys and a new backyard to play

Mans cashes in one almost immediately, and at first you’re confused

Like it’s Christmas time bubs, what are we gonna be able to do when most places are closed and it’s the holidays?

Then you read the paper

“Free hug (can be used and renewed <3)”

GIVE HIM HIS DAMN HUGS RIGHT NOW

He uses that one a lot throughout the upcoming days, to the point where he just keeps the paper on him for fun

“You realize you can just ask me silly, you don’t need to keep carrying the coupon around”

“Yeah, but it’s entertaining”

Cute little cheeky bastard

Nishinoya

LOVES LOVES LOVES CHRISTMAS

You know the 12 Days of Christmas? The song??

He gets you a small present EVERY DAY for all 12 days

Not to mention he has a big present that he saves for the actual holiday

Y’all are the type of couple to get ice cream in the middle of winter

Nishi loves his cold snacks any time of year, and you’ve thus picked up a similar taste

He will consistently pester you about what kind of present you got him

Gets pouty when you don’t tell him, but in the back of his mind he’s glad because it would ruin the surprise

Anything you get him instantly becomes his most prized gift tho

It could be a literal rock with googly eyes and he’d put it in a protective glass case for preservation

But of course you get him something better than that because he only deserves the best

He’s got this specific assortment of products to maintain his spiky hair and to make sure it’s healthy, but they’re pretty expensive to buy when he runs out

When he tore open your present’s decorative wrapping to discover a huge basket of basically every hair product he ever needed, he got wide-eyed

There was also a booklet of little notes you’d kept throughout the month that listed all the little things you noticed and adored about your precious boyfriend

He nearly CRIED reading them

“Baby, you didn’t have to do all that for me”

“You act like you don’t deserve all of it and more, Nishi”

Refuses to leave your side after that

Holding your hand, hugging you as tight as he can, etc.

He is head over heels idc idc

Tanaka

Another man who is obsessed with the holiday season and everything that comes with it

He is the biggest sap for this shit istg

Will spend hours trying to get you the best present of all time

And he succeeds exceptionally

Mistletoe? He’s got an ABUNDANCE on hand at any time, just to make sure he can get fair share of his kissies 🥰

His signature beanie appears in full force during winter

Sometimes you’ll pull it over his eyes before giving him a peck on the cheek and dashing off in the school halls

“I’ll see you after school, babe!”

Speech = jumbled + incomprehensible

“Uh hUh, you do that~”

He’s: adorable

I just know that he melts for really sweet and thought-out gifts

Like anything you give him he’ll adore, don’t get me wrong, but the ones done with special care and love are just his kryptonite

He brought you into a massive bear hug and spun you around when he opened a photo book of old pictures taken together, complete with lots of cute messages and anecdotes written alongside them

You and Saeko may have also gone in on another present for him without his knowledge

And on Christmas Eve, you dragged a curious Tanaka into his front yard to the sight of a shiny motorbike

It was Saeko’s old one that she’d held onto for a while, and an old schoolmate offered to fix it up nice in time for the holiday at a discount, so y’all decided to divvy up the lowered price and got it done for Ryu

Sweet boy was taken aback, with his hands clapped over his mouth and everything

Saeko patted him on the back as he stood there in shock, giving her baby brother a sweet smile

“All yours, little bro!”

Ya, Saeko fucking loves you 😌 and so does Tanaka

Overall very lovely, would cry to be loved by the Tanaka siblings

Ennoshita

After spending past Decembers with his fellow second year classmates (namely, the very enthusiastic Noya and Tanaka), he’s grown to know quite a bit about the different holiday events that go on around town

Still, Ennoshita is a pretty simplistic guy and is content with simply spending time with you

So when you recommended going to pick a Christmas tree out for your place together, he’s totally down

As long as he gets to help decorate too ���️

Y’all end up picking a beauty of a tree ngl

It’s SO TALL

And a super stronk friend — fit for the most heavy duty of ornaments

It takes some damn work to get that bad boi inside and upright after driving back to your house

But like hell did that stop you

Now that it was all set up, sturdy, and given plenty of water, decorations were brought into the equation that same night

No rest until it’s all set up and looking mighty beautiful

Okay maybe some coffee breaks in between, but other than that the grind don’t stop ✋😤

Ennoshita is an expert at making Christmas trees look absolutely immaculate

Idk if it’s because he’s had to deal with cleaning up disorder for a while now?

Looking at you, ya second year loons

He just has the touch, fam

He’ll of course let you have input on which light colors, what type of ornaments, and so on

But honestly it’s really fun seeing him fully concentrated on making your tree the best it can be

He lets you on his shoulders to put on the tree topper 🥺

For his gift, Ennoshita really loves books, so you decided to get him 12 different (hardcover!!) stories — one for each month in a year

Along with a small sticky-note blurb on the covers of each to explain why you chose it, and to give similar title recommendations if he ends up enjoying

He was so surprised with how thoughtful and extensive it was

Loved it so much that he immediately started to read the first one, with you sat in his lap

“Chikara, you realize you’re meant to start this one in January?”

“Shh, I’m getting a head start”

[apenapaperandadoofus]

When did you find out about MM and how?

I had to write this whole thing again DAMMIT TUMBLR

So, I first found out about MM while browsing the play store, I found it and saw cute fellas so I said why not? I think it had already been released for a few months. And it was back when it looked like this:

Awww brings back memories doesn’t it?

Anyhow, I uninstalled it because I was still on fucking school, and I couldn’t really take my phone out to check the chatrooms lmao. I remember I was playing Zen’s route, since at the time I was a hoe for all them flirty guys (oh how the turned have tables)

Then, in late 2017-early 2018 I found the game again. And I was like you know what? Let’s play. At this point I had logged in as a guest (my dumbass hadn’t registered before) and I think since it was like the time for Christmas and New Years, I got a buuunch of hourglasses. I honestly have no idea how I got that many, but I had enough to unlock deep story.

And off to romance Seven I went (leaving Zenny’s route for the second time, RIP lmao)

I fell in love with that dumbass, and I still had enough hourglasses to buy the SE, I will admit, they really made me feel some things.

I mean imagine my shock, since I just got the Mint Eye thing out of nowhere (without having it build up with the other routes lol) and the amount of plotwists!!! It was great.

I also remember crying. I think I was close to tears when V died, since from what I had seen I was feeling pretty bad for the dude, and had shifted the whole blame on Rika. The point where I cried though, (TW depression, suicide) was when Saeran talked about ending his life. It just resonated so much with me at the time, and I just felt my heart break to see him feeling the same way I did.

I remember after playing Sevens route I just uninstalled the game again since I wasn’t really interested in the other characters (IM SORRY MY CHILDREN.)

Then let’s do a time skip to like, late 2019. I was browsing Pinterest (I was a Pinterest gal lmao) and I found a meme about Saeran from MM, with Ray as easy mode, suit as medium and then unknown as hard, and I was like: wut

I did know there were two new routes (also I didn’t connect it was Saeran for some reason? Ma’am tf why u so dumb PFT) and I put it off until chirtmas, where I was having a super though time, and I decided to play the game again. (First I played Saeyoungs route though lol, I needed to refresh my memory a bit, and that’s when my view on various things began to change)

Thinking about it, I honestly have really blurry memories of the first time I played the Another Story routes. I was in such a fucking dark place, and I think playing the game sometimes made me super tired (the ending was worth it tho, it was my emotional support)

I remember when I got the prologue, and I was so freaking excited (I bought the hourglasses lol) and- lord. WHEN WE GET TO MINT EYE

OUR ROOM

THE MUSIC

THE FREAKING MUSIC

Can I just say, I got goosebumps, I was in such a depressed mood before but that music? It made me shift completely, I cannot explain how happy I felt, how giddy and bubbly, it’s so weird but I rarely feel like that (unless I listen to music.) I was SO EXCITEDDDDD.

I played Ray’s route first, and I fucking FELL IN LOVE. Now, like I’ve said before, I am not one to fall for the cute cinnamon rolls, and if I didn’t know that Ray could be the angsty Unknown we all know, I would’ve probably ignored him at first. BUT I LOVED IT. I loved the Suit story line (I still don’t know if it was portrayed in the best way, and I’m not trying to romanticize the whole MPD) but I loved how we were able to see how deep Ray’s character was. He has such deep scars, and he’s the one that also goes through a LOT of development during the whole storyline. I loved it, everything about it.

Then for V’s route. I had everything planned btw , I was going to play his route and then Jumin’s (I had tried to before I remember, like, when I downloaded it again, I was going to play Jumin’s route and got the BE1 lol, I then decided to go for Saeyoung.)

V’s route broke my heart, especially because of Saeran.

I have said this before too, but I see V more as a friend, and I was never really interested in romancing him, he’s a good guy and he’s cute, yes, but he’s just not my type. Anyway you all know how I feel about V’s route LMAOO.

I loved seeing Rika more though, I thought that was great.

After that heartbreak instead of playing Jumin’s route I did Ray’s again lmao, my heart just couldn’t handle it.

Then school began again, and oop there goes MM....

OR DOES IT?!

When quarantine began I played Ray’s route again (can you tell how obsessed I am?) and then Jumin’s route. Then I think I played Sevens route again, and this time I did not enjoy it as much because I fell head over heels for Jumin.

Note: when I first installed it, in 2017? I DID NOT like Jumin. But now I love him so much, he’s so adorable and cute. I just can’t with him.

I also decided to buy all the DLCs, I was so excited for Rika’s behind story (but also kinda mad?? Lmao, but it all wet away when I saw THR YOUNG SAEYOUNG SPRITE I SQUEALED) that’s when I began to analyze Rika and began to understand her more as a character.

Then I played the other routes, and then I played Saeran’s AGAIN

Then after like, six months I fell into the deep tumblr MM hole, and one night at 3am I thought: let me make a friggen blog

And here we are!

Sorry for giving you the whole life story lmao, I just started rambling, but thank you for reading this far :D

And that folks, is how I became the MM hoe I am today 😌 (hope this is the story I tell to my grandchildren)

[metrodisco]

fucking crazy nightmare i had last night

as im remembering it to type this down im kinda realizing how absurd this nightmare was but it was so terrifying for me. just so you know, i hardly wake up from any nightmares ever, i usually just go through the whole thing like a psychopath. but this time i actually woke up. i have terrible storytelling and writing skills, but ill try my best.

so lets get to it because it takes a turn.

alright, so it starts with me on tumblr. im scrolling until i see a post from someone i follow, i don’t remember the user, but thankfully i know they’re not real. let’s call them OP. here’s an important thing about OP: they’re those tumblr microcelebrities who have a cult following and who always gets notes on their posts no matter what it is. remember that for later.

anyway, they were saying some things about how nobody should pirate things, that people who do are making excuses. 

so, i started writing an ask - i don’t know why it had to be an ask, i could’ve just reblogged the post and written what i wanted there - explaining inacessibility to certain programs and higher prices for people who live in 3rd world countries, how streaming programs and etc are getting more and more expensive, all that jazz. and here’s the thing: i was being, very, very polite. i literally wrote something like “i respect your opinion, but here’s a few things you should consider”. OP had anonnymous asks turned off, but i still sent it. so, as we say in brazil, everything’s fine until there.

well, that’s where shit starts to hit the fan. i had completely forgotten about the ask, and was still scrolling through tumblr. i refreshed the page, and to my (unpleasant) surprise, there’s OP’s post again. except OP themself posted an additon with the post with part of my ask. they were pretty much mocking me, with a “haha snarky mean comment”. 

for someone who has anxiety, i actually wasn’t that bothered. i thought something like “wow, asshole move. i’ll unfollow you.”. but, surprise surprise: the “unfollow” and “block” button weren’t working. i figured it was just some bug, because staff doesn’t know how to do their job, and decided i’d try again later.

for some reason, i still kept scrolling tumblr. to my lack of luck, more additions kept popping up on the post, with OP reblogging each of them. all of the comments they reblogged were, of course, people talking shit about me. some just lightly making fun of me, some with another mean snarky comments and some just straight up being verbal abuse. 

i was already getting pretty upset with these, so i vented to a real mutual who i basically consider that cool cousin you have. honestly, the only good part of this mess. we ended the conversation with something like “yeah, people can be some fucking cocks sometimes.” 

after that, i was already getting pretty tired of this shit, so i tried the unfollow and block button again. this time, it worked. what a relief.

well, the nightmare isn’t over yet. we’re just getting started. buckle up for this shit.

i finally made a good decision and got off tumblr for the rest of the day. 

the other day, i checked tumblr again, thinking i’d be safe. until i saw the ammount of notifications hovering above the letter symbol. now, i already get nervous when i get 1 ask, which is super rare, so you could imagine how i felt when i saw dozens and dozens of hate messages. i tried my best to ignore them, but a lot of them got to me. i started deleting them, but then i saw something that really caught my attention.

just straight up a picture of where i live. in my dream i apparently lived in a house, and the anon somehow just figured that out. at that point i was fucking terrified. i started hearing noises from outside and looked out the window. there was a fucking angry mob standing outside my house.

obviously scared for my life, i went straight to my car to get the hell out of there. i managed to get out of the house, but someone broke the front window of the car. just when i thought it couldn’t get any crazier, someone threw a noose, that’s right, a NOOSE, trying to get my neck. 

the whole chase was fucking terrifying, it was like a horde of zombies.

i drove until i got to some forest and that’s when i woke up.

my first thought was “what the fuck” followed by “that was fucking insane i have to write this down.” and went straight to my computer and looked up a community on reddit for nightmares.

it’s been about 30 minutes since i woke up, and i feel like i’m never going to forget this. i think i might log off tumblr for a little while.

i really hope you guys don’t think i made this up. because, trust me, i don’t have the creativity to write something like that. 

[let-it-raines]

Betting on the Bullseye (Part 11)

Summary: Emma Swan loses a bet that means she has to ask her celebrity crush to be her date to her office's annual fundraising gala. Killian Jones is that celebrity crush. She expects all kinds of humiliation and for her dignity to be completely lost. What she doesn't expect is for him to say yes

Rating: Mature

A/N: Have I ever told you guys how awesome I think you are? Because I really do think that!

We’ve got some more fluff and some conversations and a baseball game. And in the next chapter, we meet the friends...dun dun dun :D

AO3: Beginning | Current

Tumblr: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11

Tag List: @nikkiemms @resident-of-storybrooke @wellhellotragic​ @bmbbcs4evr @onceuponaprincessworld @jennjenn615 @mayquita @captainsjedi @teamhook @skyewardolicitycloisdelena91@branlovesouat @dreadpirateemma @kmomof4 @ekr032-blog-blog @galaxyzxstark @lifeinahole27 @andiirivera @ultimiflos @hollyethecurious

“K-I-S-S-I-N-G.”

“Oh my God,” Emma groans, swiveling in her desk chair and burying her face in her hands, hoping that if she doesn’t move away from the desk that maybe Ruby will get up and walk away. When she doesn’t hear any movement, she peeks up, opening an eye to see Ruby still sitting in the chair in the corner with an absolute smirk on her face. “Are you five years old?”

“No, but I just saw your boyfriend slobber all over you in your office like you two are horny teenagers, so I really think I’m the mature one in this situation.”

“First of all,” she begins, sitting back in her chair and tugging at the loose strands falling out of her bun, “it was not slobber. He is not a dog. That would be disgusting. Secondly, why the hell were you in my office? I feel like you’re never down in the therapy center.”

Ruby shrugs before she blows on her nails, the picture of nonchalance as always. “I don’t have a session for thirty minutes, and I wanted to see your sex glow.”

“You get creepier by the minute. Mary Margaret is obviously the better best friend.”

“Hey, rude,” Ruby scoffs, throwing the pillow she’s holding over at her only for Emma to catch it. “We are both equally good best friends. I am the fun one who convinces us to do things like skydiving or barhopping, Mary Margaret is the mom friend who doesn’t let us go home with creepy guys, and you, my little Swan, are our brutally honest companion who, despite your sometimes prickly exterior, is a wonderful mix of both me and Marg. And come on, how can you get better than being like me?”

“How did you manage to turn that from a quasi compliment about me and Marg to it being about you?”

“I’m a woman of many talents.”

“Yeah, whatever.” She turns to her computer, logging into her account and waiting for everything to boot up so she can answer the emails that she’s sure have come in since last night. “Why the hell do I have emails from people past midnight? Who is working at midnight and thinks, ‘huh, I want to come visit a children’s center?’”

“People who don’t sleep,” Ruby answers, getting up from the chair and perching herself on the side of her desk, the hem of her dress falling over her knees. “Speaking of that, I want to talk about how you didn’t sleep last night and still have this whole glow about you. You look refreshed, except for this whole hair situation thing you’ve got going on.”

“It dried all on its own and when I brushed it out this morning, it was like a frizzy bush. So the messy bun it is.”

“It looks like sex hair.”

“It is sex hair.”

“Ha,” Ruby laughs, slapping Emma’s shoulder, “I knew it.”

“Well, obviously, Rubes. My boyfriend just came into town after me not seeing him in weeks. What were we going to do? Have him sleep out on the couch after a quaint dinner full of small talk? Maybe a little handholding?”

“I bet you did all of that too.” She rolls her eyes, trying to keep her lips in a straight line. “Maybe.” “You know, I only ask because I’m the entire reason that you’re getting some. The world should thank me.”

“How the hell is that?”

“You met him because of me.”

“I got drunk and lost a stupid bet. You just happened to be…less drunk than me.”

“And then I picked your suitor for the night, who is now your suitor for…awhile? I’m not sure if we’re talking, like, the Nolans type of relationship or the Bachelor type of relationship.”

Her face immediately heats and she squirms in her chair, adjusting herself and suddenly finding a junk email about a sale on cars the most interesting thing in the world. She does not want to answer Ruby’s question, or statement really. She knows her answer, but saying it out loud seems like it’s too much too soon. She feels…a lot for Killian, her feelings teetering so close to love that she could easily be knocked over and fall head first in if she’s given the right push, but she doesn’t want to admit it too soon. She’s not sure where Killian is in that whole regard, but it’s not something she’s actively thinking about. They’re working how they are, and there’s no need for her to think otherwise.

It’s like what Killian told her this morning, just before Ruby apparently saw him “slobbering” on her, he makes her happy. It was cheesy and made her cringe a bit, but then she saw the emotion in his eyes, heard it in his voice, and she realized how sweet it was, how sweet he is. Killian’s had some screwed up things happen to him in the past, things that make her blood curdle that anyone could try to take advantage of a man who’d do anything for anyone, and he still has the ability to be that kind, if not a bit self-loathing when he doesn’t need to be.

Not that she has any right to call someone out for being self-loathing.

She pretty much has that one in the bag.

“So what’s lover boy doing while you’re working?” Ruby asks, obviously sensing that Emma did not want to talk about how long she thinks her relationship is going to last.

It’s forev…nope. She’s not going to even think it. That’d be crazy.

“I’m not sure. I gave him some suggestions on places to go, so he might go explore the city a bit on his own. But honestly with how tired he was, I’m thinking he’s going to go back to my place and crash before doing a bit of work.”

“Sounds like a hell of a vacation.” “I have Netflix and food. What more could he ask for?”

Ruby eventually has to go do actual work, as does Emma, her day passing by at a snail’s pace with little more to do than twiddling her thumbs and cleaning out her desk drawers. Some days are like this, slow and steady, something to do coming in every few hours, while others are nonstop, making her feel like she can never get a moment to breathe. If it were a perfect world, those days would blend together to make a day where she’s never overwhelmed or underwhelmed. To quote Gabrielle Union in 10 Things I Hate About You, she would just be whelmed.

(That movie came on twice in a row the other night, and she was too lazy to get up and find the remote to change the channel.)

But the world isn’t perfect so the rest of day goes by achingly slow with nothing to do, and like it’s some kind of karmic payback for her complaining about her day on Tuesday, Wednesday is a nonstop day that has her so frazzled she forgets to eat lunch and doesn’t realize it’s far past six thirty in the evening, nearly an hour and a half after she should have gone home, until there’s a knock at her office door and Killian’s standing there in a suit with two cups of coffee in his hands.

Oh shit. They were supposed to go out tonight. That’s what they’d decided on when she got home from work yesterday. He’d spent the day catching up on emails and reviewing new scripts even though he apparently promised himself he wouldn’t look at anything new for at least a month. So since he didn’t explore Boston last night, especially with the way they stayed in bed continuing to make up for lost time, they were supposed to tonight.

But she screwed it up.

She groans, throwing her head down against the desk and hiding her face in her arms, hoping that she can somehow go back in time and meet Killian back at her apartment when she was supposed to.

“I am so, so, so, soooo unbelievably sorry. Ah, fuck, I’m really late, aren’t I?”

“Well, you were supposed to be home two hours ago, so yeah, I’d say the fact that you’re still in your office means you’re pretty late.”

He doesn’t look angry or disappointed, the smallest of smiles gracing his face, and she wonders how the man who is on time for literally everything could somehow not be irritated with her.

She’s irritated with herself.

“How pissed are you at me?”

He hums, taking a step away from the door and making his way over to sit on the edge of her desk, his thighs spreading out and gray pants tightening with the movement. That’s not distracting at all. Nope. She doesn’t find the muscles in his thighs in any way attractive. She’s also a liar. “Well, I wouldn’t say pissed is the right word. I’d say more concerned.” “Why?”  

He hands her the coffee then, and she notices the cups are from Iron Bank. He must have gone back there instead of going to Starbucks or something. “Because it’s seven, Swan. And I know you like your job, but I don’t think you like it enough to stay here because you want to. Not when you have a devilishly handsome date waiting for you, especially when he got all dressed up for the occasion.”

Killian’s waggling his eyebrows and smiling down at her, his hair coiffed up in a way that makes her know he put some effort into it, which only makes her feel worse. Obviously Killian doesn’t take as long as she does to get ready for a date, but still. He was at her apartment getting ready and waiting for her all while she was trying to understand why her Excel programming decided to glitch and malfunction and make none of the numbers align.

She feels like an awful human being.

“I’m sorry,” she whines again, saving the program and exiting out, figuring that she’ll fix it in the morning. She’s got to fix this now. “What time is our reservation?”

“At eight.”

“Okay,” she sighs, getting up from her seat and straightening out her pants, “if we break, like, every traffic law or maybe just make a run for it, we can get me home to change and then get there in time. Of course, if we just went to, like, one of my usual places we wouldn’t even need a reservation. So maybe if we don’t make it to Sorellina’s then we can do that. Or we can go and be late and hope they don’t give up our table, or I’ll just wear what I have on. This is fine, right?”

Killian chuckles, not even moving from his perch on her desk while she’s gathering up all her belongings, running through the scenarios again. Before she gets the chance to walk out the door, Killian grabs her wrist, pulling her closer so that she stands in between his splayed knees. Before she can even say anything, he’s pulling her wrist up to his lips and kissing right under her palm. Her eyes flutter closed at the touch, the contrast of the softness of his lips and harshness of his whiskers causing her skin to tingle the slightest bit. She didn’t realize how quickly her heart was beating, how heated her face was, but she can feel it all now as she cools off.

“Swan, calm down.”

“Sorry, sorry. I’m just…I’m sorry.”

“Love, do not apologize again.”

“I’m – never mind.”

He smiles, running his thumb back and forth over her wrist. ��You lost track of time at work, something you do all of the time. You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just a dinner reservation. I don’t care if we miss it. But luckily for you, I called and traded it out with someone else for a nine o’clock one.”

“You could have told me that before I felt like the worst person in the world, KJ.”

“Yeah, but then I wouldn’t have seen you sweat.”

“You’re not a kind man.”

“Never claimed to be.”

Traffic takes forever, the roads on the way back to her apartment seemingly staying at a standstill for over forty five minutes, but they do eventually get back to her apartment. Luckily, she washed her hair this morning, even curled it a bit, so all she really has to do is slip out of her blouse and pants and slip into a black dress she’s had for years. It’s a little tight, looks more like something she’d wear out to a bar, so she throws on her red leather jacket and favorite ankle boots to look a bit nicer. She knows that she has time to redo her hair and makeup, but all she does is flick on another line of eyeliner and reapply her lipstick before heading back out into the living room where Killian is typing away on his phone.

“Okay, I’m ready to go, though I think we might actually be early now.”

He looks up at her then, his phone dropped into his lap while his lips part and his eyes trace up and down her body. A shiver runs down her spine, something that happens a lot when he’s around, and she reminds herself that they absolutely have to go out tonight. She’s not messing this dinner up again.

“You look – ”

“I know.”

“And you say I’m cocky, love,” Killian laughs, looking back down at his phone and typing a few things in. “I’ve got an Uber coming to pick us up in five minutes.”

“I can drive.” “Aye, I know, but this way we don’t have to worry about parking or if we have anything to drink.”

“I like the way you think.”

It’s a relatively cool night as they wait outside for their Uber, so she’s glad that she grabbed her jacket, but they’re not outside long before loading up into Devin’s car as he takes them across town to Sorellina’s. She’s been in more Ubers than she should for someone who likes to drive herself places, but Devin is definitely the quietest driver she’s ever had. He doesn’t say much, just asking how their evening is going while they chat in the back, but she does notice him continuously looking back at them through his review mirror.

She has no idea why until they’re pulling up outside of the restaurant, and he asks, “Hey, are you?”

“Yeah,” Killian answers, quickly sliding out of the backseat and holding his hand out for her so that she can easily get out of the car. Maybe he is the gentleman he claims to be. Okay, so he definitely is. “Have a good night, mate.”

Before they go inside, she grabs onto his jacket sleeve, tugging at him to look at her. “Hey, is it okay that we’re out? I didn’t think about people recognizing you.”

“It’s fine, love.” He leans down and kisses her, making her forget her worries for the moment. “As long as you’re okay with the possibility of people seeing us together, I’m fine with it.”

“I’m fine with it too.”

“Good.”

Despite being fine with it, she does notice how Killian’s reservation is for a booth in the back, the lighting not as nice as it is everywhere else in the restaurant. But whatever works for him works for her, and she really doesn’t have any complaints about tonight. It might be a nicer place than she usually frequents, but that’s not going to keep her from having a nice time.

She gets a lasagna, though it’s definitely got a fancier name than that on the menu, while Killian gets gnocchi, which she definitely would have pronounced wrong if she had ordered it. Maybe she needs to expand her palate a little bit. But it’s fine for tonight. The food is good, the wine great, and even though she’s never been one for fancy restaurants, she finds it doesn’t matter when you actually like the person who’s sitting across from you.

Maybe that’s been the problem.

Or maybe the prices.

Probably both.

Definitely both.

“ – no, no, I’m serious. I won the spelling bee when I was in primary school. I was quite the little academic. Top five in my class, too.”

Killian’s been telling her all about his academic prowess and all of the clubs he was in when he was younger. He played a green bean in a play about how eating your vegetables is important, and she thinks that’s where he got his penchant for healthy eating. And maybe why he’s such a good actor.

“Who knew you were such a little genius, KJ?”

“I did. My entire life.”

She rolls her eyes, taking a sip of her wine to hide her smile. “So why’d you never go to college…or university? That’s what you call it, right? I know you moved here when you were eighteen to get away from…everything, but I bet you could have gotten a scholarship. That’s what I did. And a hell of a lot of student loans.”

Killian takes a sip of his rum before reaching up to scratch behind his ear, his lips ticking up on the right while his eyes squint. “Eh, it was the money, the fact that I didn’t know what to do. Liam had busted his arse to pay for me to live after he managed to get me into his custody, and I didn’t want to burden us anymore. I was good at manual labor, so if I hadn’t found the set building job, I think we would have both worked in construction. I like being able to work with my hands.”

Oh. She didn’t think of that. She should have. She went through doing it all on her own, worrying about finances and how to live, and she should have known that Killian did that too. She knows enough about his childhood to know how rough he and Liam had it for a few years. But sometimes the words just slip without her thinking.

“I’m sorry that I asked, if that brought up bad memories of something you didn’t get to do.”

“Hey,” Killian soothes, reaching across the table and twining their fingers together, his palm warm in hers, “it’s fine, love. It’s not a sad story or something I’m ashamed of. It’s my past, and I kind of like my job situation now. I don’t think I would have gotten it if I’d studied somewhere.”

“What…what do you think you would have studied? Hypothetically speaking.” “Then? English. Would have been dirt poor for my entire life, but I would have liked to have been a teacher. Now? Definitely acting. I’m pretty self taught, but the academic in me likes to always know more, to be learning.” He squeezes her hand before releasing it and moving it back to his side of the table. Sometimes she sees little flickers of darkness behind the brightness of his eyes, but he either hides it well or truly doesn’t let his past affect him too much. “But I don’t regret anything, Swan. I spent too long being bitter, and I’m not going to complain about how Liam and I made it here. Though, I would take having my mum back.”

“She’d be proud of you.”

“I’d like to hope so.” He smiles softly, almost sadly, and it breaks her heart like it does every time she thinks of Killian losing his mom, someone he very obviously loved with his entire being. “She’d love you. You remind me of her, actually, and not in some kind of weird, psychologists would study it, way.” “Well that’s good to know,” she laughs, messing with the leftover food on her plate so that she has time to process all of this. She kind of wishes she could have met his mom, too. Mostly she wishes that she was here for Killian. And Liam.

She may have never known her parents, may not know anything about them, but Killian knew his mom. He grew up with her and had to watch her die when he was ten. She can’t…she can’t imagine. But at the end of the day, she and Killian have both been left, abandoned by people who were supposed to love them and be there for them, so they understand each other. And she’s known that from the night they met when he shared with her that he’d been in foster care for awhile, something people don’t know.

He trusted her from the beginning, and that’s not an honor she takes lightly.

Oh God, she’s kind of thinking like him now.

“I just mean that you two are both bloody brilliant with huge hearts and a quick wit. And, you know, the ability to knock me back down to earth when my head gets a little too big.”

“So all of the time?”

“Aye, so all of the time.”

“All of the time, KJ.”

After they get the bill, she and Killian walk outside and wait for their Uber, not really wanting to walk around the area. She can feel the wine buzzing through her the slightest bit, not anywhere near enough to be drunk, but definitely enough to be a little wine happy. Killian wraps his arm around her waist, tugging her a little bit closer so that she can rest her cheek against his shoulder.

“You know, darling, I don’t think I tell you this enough, but I think you are phenomenal.”

“Hmm, I feel like you should just tell me that every day. You may not need to have an inflated ego, but I certainly can.”

“I’m serious, Swan. You’re a badass. The life you’ve made for yourself, all by yourself, it takes a strong woman to do that, and you deserve all of the credit in the world. And in case no one has ever told you, I’m proud of you.”

Oh shit.

She wasn’t expecting that. Not at all. Not in the slightest. And she’s not going to cry. This was supposed to be dinner, a night out that’s fun, not something that’s going to make her cry. But she doesn’t think anyone has ever told her that. Maybe Mary Margaret and David, but she’s not sure right now.

She’s barely able to even tell herself that sometimes, even if she is damn proud of herself.

And then another thought comes to her, the very one that was teetering on the tip of her tongue that she was trying to push down, and it nearly takes her breath away. She thinks she loves him. No, she does love him. She…expected it in a way, but really, in no way could she have ever expected this, expected him.

In no way could she have ever expected herself to even want to love again, not after everything, but she’s here and weirdly, she’s not scared of it.

Okay, so maybe she’s a little terrified, but the voice that’s telling her to run away is oddly quiet. Maybe it’s replaced by the sound of Killian telling her he’s proud of her.

She turns in Killian’s embrace and wraps her arms around his neck before capturing his bottom lip with her mouth, feeling the softness and warmth that always accompanies him. He gasps a little when her lips move, almost like he wasn’t expecting it, and she smiles into the kiss, not able to help herself from her teeth clanking against his before she moves back in with fervor, trying to let him know how she feels even if she can’t say the words yet, if she wants to hoard them and keep them to herself for now.

For tonight at least.

“Hey, are you, um, Liam Jones, who ordered the tan Toyota Camry with Madeline driving?”

She pulls back a bit when a girl yells at them from the restaurant’s driveway, her face red enough that Emma knows she’s been watching them for awhile. Oops.

She’s not at all sorry.

“That’s us,” Killian laughs, quickly kissing her once more before pulling back from her.

“Liam Jones? That’s definitely not your name.”

“Aye, I know, but this way if I ever get a bad review, it’s under Liam’s name.”

“But it’ll still be under your account. I don’t think that’s – ”

He dips his head and kisses her again, making her almost lose her balance on the sidewalk. “Aye, I know that’s not how it works, Swan. Let’s just get in the car and hope Liam doesn’t get a bad review from me not being able to resist you until we get back to the apartment.”

“I think the bad review might be worth it.”

-/-

“So who are we playing tonight?”

“The Orioles. If you’d come, like, a week and a half later we could have watched the Astros, but nooo, apparently you have schedules and things like that.”

“I mean,” Killian begins, wrapping his arm around her shoulder while they walk down Van Ness, the sidewalk crowded with people heading toward Fenway, even if tonight isn’t a big game, “I do occasionally have to work. Meetings and such. And family obligations.”

“Excuses, excuses.” She reaches over to pat his back, rubbing up and down in circles. “Have you ever been to a baseball game?”

“Aye, I’ve been to several Dodgers’ games.”

“Okay, better question. Have you ever been to a baseball game and not sat, like, behind home plate?”

“Are you asking if I’ve ever sat up in the cheap seats?”

“Yep.”

“Well, believe it or not, I was once a poor young lad.”

“From a poor family.”

“I don’t think Bohemian Rhapsody is really the song to quote here.”

“Okay, go on, go on.”

“So Liam and I, when we first moved to California, would go and buy the nosebleeds for the Dodgers, and go a couple times a summer. Yeah, we could have just watched on TV, but there’s only so much time you can sit in a small apartment with your older brother who was very hot and heavy with his girlfriend.”

“Elsa?”

“Oh no, this was long before Elsa. Liam was quite the ladies’ man when we first moved here.”

“Really now?”

“Oh yes, think about it. A British transplant fresh out of the Navy with those stunning Jones looks.”

“You’re either conceited or confident. I can’t decide.”

“Maybe a bit of both.”

They get to their gate, Emma pulling up the tickets on her phone and scanning them before going through. She thinks Killian gets a few weird looks, but he’s got on his aviators and a hat, which is obviously not a complex disguise or anything, but he says that it works, which is a really weird thing for her to think about. She sometimes (all of the time) forgets what he does for a living, or really, the consequences of what he does, even if that is how they met. But then they’ll be out and he’ll tug his hat down on his forehead or, like the other night, make sure their table is in the back corner of the restaurant.

After going through security, they wander around in the concrete halls, passing by all of the food and souvenir stands until they find the staircase to lead them to their seats. Only a few people are in their area, the stadium mostly empty, but she didn’t really expect anything else. She’s been to enough of these games to know that some games just are pretty empty. But it is Friday night, so as the first few innings go by, the score staying steady at one run a piece, people begin to filter in, the red seats slowly being filled with people as the sun sets over the stadium, coating the Boston skyline with pink clouds and a red sky that would almost look creepy if not for the way that there’s still light blue mixed into sky.

She looks to her left where Killian is holding up his phone, very obviously taking pictures of the sunset over the stadium.

“You are so basic, KJ.”

“Basic and getting a picture of this sunset.” He turns to her, holding the phone right in front of her face in what she knows is an unflattering angle. “Smile, love.”

“No,” she groans, covering her face and letting her hair fall in front of her eyes. She should have never taken her sunglasses off. “That’s going to look gross.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Killian laughs, pulling back and flipping through the photos where she pretty much looks like the girl from The Ring with a double chin and only one eye that opens, “I think these look pretty good.”

“Delete those.” “Oh no, I’m keeping them forever. Might even post them online.” “That is a threat that I do not like, and I will unfollow you. That’s one less like on your artsy pictures of your food.” “Oi,” he reaches over and pinches the skin on her inner thigh, “that was one time, and you won’t let it go.”

“You stood up over the table and turned your flashlight on to get good lighting.” “It was a good breakfast.”

“Sure, babe,” she laughs, placing her hand over his on her thigh. “I know you’re just a basic girl on Instagram.”

“Well, in that case,” he yawns, dramatically stretching his arm over her shoulder and yanking her closer, “let’s take a selfie.”

“Oh my God, you are so not smooth.” She can’t stop laughing, is sure that her face is heating from the constant movement, but that doesn’t stop her from leaning her cheek into his and smiling while he holds the phone up and takes several pictures. “But I like your basic girl tendencies.”

“Good, and now I have photos so I can scrapbook my big trip to Boston.”

“Stop,” she groans, burying her head in his shoulder while his entire body shakes in laughter underneath her. He is not going to make a scrapbook. That would just be…ridiculous.

“Never. You want something to eat?”

“Obviously, yes. I thought about just waiting until afterwards so I didn’t spend the money on the overpriced cheeseburger, but I want the damn overpriced cheeseburger.” She gets up from her chair, pulling her shorts up and making sure her sweater is still tucked in. “What do you want?”

“I was going to go get it, Swan.”

“Nah, my treat, KJ. You can stay here and watch this riveting game. There’s so much happening.”

“You say that and something will definitely happen while you’re gone. And I’ll just eat whatever you’re having, but with a water.”

“How do you know I wasn’t going to get a water?”

He taps his forehead, smiling up at her so that his eyes crinkle. “I just know.”

She rolls her eyes before grabbing her purse and maneuvering her way out of their row of seats, apologizing to everyone as she steps over them and blocks their view. There’s a concession stand just outside of their gate, so she quickly slides into line, pulling out her phone and scrolling through Instagram. Maybe she’s a basic girl of Instagram too.

There’s a picture of Leo at the top of her timeline. He’s holding a sign saying he’s going to be a big brother. She likes it, laughing under her breath. Maybe they’ve all fallen into the trap of being basic. It’s whatever. She likes the cute pictures. As she continues to scroll, she sees a hell of a lot of pictures of her old classmates from college standing in front of colorful murals, cheesy captions with them all, as well as one from Victor where he’s posted all of the used coffee cups in his office. Kind of gross but whatever. He works weird shifts.

And then suddenly there’s a picture of her. Well, kind of her. Or at least her hair. Her face is buried in Killian’s shoulder while he smiles at the camera. It must have been when he was taking the pictures and she couldn’t stop laughing. When she slides to the right, there’s a picture of the stadium with the sun setting over it. It really is a good picture.

KillianJonesOfficial: She knocks my (red) sox off.

Her cheeks immediately blush while she likes it, knowing better than to click on the comments. They talked about how things with them would likely go public the more they go out, and she said she was fine with it. She doesn’t necessarily like it, especially if there’s going to be the occasional person following her around, but she also doesn’t want to have to hide away in her apartment when they can go out and do things like this.

Though, Killian probably shouldn’t have posted this while they’re at the game. That doesn’t seem like a good idea.

She eventually gets to the front of the line, ordering their meals and waiting for them to be made until she’s got all of the junk food she needs (she’s definitely going to have to go for a run in the morning) and is making her way back up the stairs, hoping that she doesn’t drop everything while navigating the small aisles.

“Thanks,” Killian says as she hands him his tray and his water, holding down her seat so she doesn’t do something klutzy like fall on her ass.

“Mhm,” she hums, popping a fry in her mouth. As good of a time as she had at dinner the other night, this is her kind of date. “So, um, I see that you’re stealing my jokes for your captions.”

“You are not the only one to ever say that joke.”

“It was still my joke.” She eats another fry as Martinez hits a homerun, something finally happening in the game. Everyone around them cheers, a few wolf whistles thrown around, while music plays over the speakers and the hit is replayed on the jumbotrons. “But I’m glad I make you write cheesy captions. Aren’t you worried about people coming to find you, though? Isn’t that a thing?”

“Aye, but those girls down in front of us have been sneaking pictures of me all night. I figured it was just a matter of time.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, love. I’m having a bloody good time even if this is the most boring game I’ve ever been to. I was expecting more from the team who beat my Dodgers for the World Series.”

“Ah, I get it now. You’re just salty that you lost.”

“Damn straight. I was at the game.”

“And things just make all the more sense.”

The game finishes a little before nine, most everyone having cleared out already, so as a breeze washes over the night, they make their way back to the parking garage she parked in a few blocks over. Most people are beginning to settle into bars and pubs, a Friday night just beginning for most, and when she suggests that they go to a pub, Killian almost falls out on the sidewalk talking about how his ass hurts from sitting in tiny plastic seats for three hours and how he absolutely cannot sit on anything that’s not a soft cushion. When she teases him about thirty-three hitting him early, he doesn’t say anything, stretching his legs out only for his knees to pop…and then to pop again when he settles down into the passenger seat of her car.

She doesn’t say anything then, just silently reaches over and pats his thigh while they wait in traffic to get out of the garage. He grabs her hand only to put it down and reach over to take her left wrist in his hand, quickly kissing the inside of her wrist. She doesn’t know why he does that, but she’s noticed it over the past week. It happens about as often as he reaches up and scratches behind is ear, and it makes something inside of her flutter. She’s not sure if anything in her body is supposed to flutter, but something does.

Maybe one day she’ll ask him why he does the wrist thing.

Maybe one day she’ll tell him she loves him too.

Once they get away from Fenway, the traffic thins out and it’s a quick drive home, Emma easily pulling into her parking space in front of her apartment and grabbing her bag of work clothes out of her backseat before unlocking the front door of the building and taking the stairs up to her apartment with Killian behind her.

“I’m going to go take a shower, okay?”

Killian nods as he settles himself down on the couch, and she quickly makes her way into the bathroom, turning on the shower and waiting for it to heat while she strips away her clothes and tosses them into her hamper. It’s been a long week, and as much as she loves having Killian here, she hasn’t gotten nearly as much sleep as she usually does. She really likes her sleep.

It’s probably the fastest shower of her life, just a quick rinse off of the sweat and grime collected at the game, before she’s hopping out and wrapping a towel around her chest and in her hair so she can wash her face. She usually does a face mask once a week, and she’s definitely neglected that this week and can already feel herself breaking out. So she slathers on the cream, covering herself in the green mask before sliding on pajama pants and an oversized t-shirt.

When she walks back into the living room, she plops down next to Killian, who is watching Live PD for some reason. Kind of weird but it’s whatever. One of her favorite things about him being here are discovering his weird tendencies that she doesn’t get to see when they’re apart.

“How was your shower, Jim Carrey?”

She turns to look at him, and he’s smirking at her, his lips ticking up to the right while his eyes slant. “What now?”

“Jim Carrey,” he repeats, waving his hand in her face, “you know, like the Mask?”

“Oh my God,” she groans, having to restrain herself from hiding her face in her hands so she doesn’t mess her mask up while it dries, “I knew I should have stayed in the bathroom until I wiped it off.”

“Yeah, that was a horrible mistake on your part, love.”

She chuckles, leaning down into the cushions and watching someone get pulled over for driving without a license or a license plate, which is definitely not a smart move. She lets out a large breath, her stomach extending with the movement. Another thing about Killian being here is that she’s eating a hell of a lot more and going to the gym less.

And sex only counts a little. She’s not going to be one of those weird people who says their gym is the bedroom. Like, why are there people who not only think that but who feel the need to share it with others?

“Do you want to get up and go running in the morning?

“It depends.”

“On what?”

“Are you still going to be wearing that mask? Because I’m just not sure I can be seen with you looking like that.”

[cryptid-crusader]

My Tumblr History (feat. a LOT of rambling, I apologize)

I’ve been on Tumblr 9 years. I came to Tumblr from Xanga (which IDK if that’s even still a thing or not) after being thoroughly obsessed with latter for about 4 or so years. Xanga was much more of a typical blog blog, and though I interacted with far less people on it, those few I did became honest to god friends that I still think about to this day. Though, as years past, my few friends began to drop off one by one from the site and I found myself enjoying it much less once they were gone. Eventually, I left too.

A few months later, I decided to join Tumblr. It was still a fairly new site in 2010 when I had joined, and I had only heard a few things here and there around the internet before I decided to check it out myself. When I first started, I used this site a lot like I used Xanga and basically had it exclusively as an internet journal to talk about life and nerdy shit and the like (I remember even thinking the reblog option was dumb because why not just make your own content? Why reblog other peoples stuff? loooool) and also did a lot of those writing daily challenges. Do you guys remember those? I loved them. Anyway...

Needless to say as time went on and I got older and followed more people and gained more followers (some of you have been here from very early on and for that I am incredibly thankful) as dweeby as this may sound, I really grew as a person. God, I remember 9 years ago I would sometimes post uncredited art or really insensitive, not funny at all, “jokes” because I honestly didn’t see a problem with them (and the only reason I really remember these awful things is occasionally once in a blue moon random people would find them in the bowels of my blog and like them and I would shudder and delete them). I kinda started Tumblr as this young social media doofus that, again as cheesy as it sounds, learned a lot and grew from my experience here. I would never dream of posting uncredited art now, and those “jokes” make me want to vomit. I learned a lot about social issues through this blog and it also helped me open up and learn about my sexuality. I got to see a broader world view from all different walks of life here (which was incredibly refreshing after growing up in a very close knit predominately white republican community) , and met some fantastic humans I’m blessed to have interacted with and become their friend. I never would have met them without this site!

Not to mention just like... all the cool shit. There are SO many talented people on Tumblr. So much beautiful art, fantastic writing, and just all round hilarious and interesting humans that I loved to get even a small peak into their lives and learn about them and what they like and do for fun. I’ve picked up hobbies through this site, joined fandoms through this site, made friends, laughed endlessly, become inspired, found some of my favorite anime/books/movies, and have had so much fun in these nine years on Tumblr.

... Not to say that it hasn’t been without it’s bad. I’ve been here long enough to remember when Tumblr users proudly boasted about how open and inviting to any and all people they were, how they would never point fingers, be mean, or turn others away. Boy, how that has changed looool. I’ve been through the annoying but innocent enough superwholocks and the scandals of older users who used to be Tumblr royalty that fucked up in some way and fell from grace, to the disgrace of people who are totally fine humans that didn’t completely cater to exactly what certain people wanted or made a few wrong steps that people felt like they had to attack them viciously for the littlest asinine shit. The good the bad and the ugly, all the way through to now.

Now. :(

To be frank, this entire site has been a disaster for a loooooooooong time with a staff that seems to be equal mix of not knowing at all how to run a functioning site and not giving a shit at all about it’s user base and their feelings (which reeeeeeeally sucks for all the fantastic content creators and people who have been here forever who have essentially made this site what it is). Little things like ‘oh we made an update that ‘everyone’ will love but is actually dumb as hell and just pisses people off’ to their have been porn bots, pedos, and nazis on this site for YEARS terrorizing people and being awful but guess that is just how it will be... Until they got banned from the app store and THEN it’s an issue (because they lost money ofc)!

Suddenly, Tumblr staff cares, but only for themselves. Instead of actually resolving the issue THAT HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR YEARS AND IS AN EXTREMELY WELL KNOW AND COMPLAINED ABOUT ISSUE they just decide fuck it, punish everyone. No “porn” at all, but I use that term lightly because they say some nudity is allowed (don’t get me started on female presenting nipples it also makes me laugh to hard and then I won’t be able to type) and for some reason apparently written erotica is allowed (which makes absolutely zero sense if you are truly trying to make this a ‘family friendly’ site, why is visual porn not allowed but written OK?) but... Is it really? Posts that are completely innocent are getting tagged left and right as not suitable content. Like, thousands of posts are getting tagged by whatever stupid algorithm they are using that are completely void of anything remotely sexual and you expect me to believe your incompetent asses are going to go through them and deem which are OK and which aren’t based on you shoddy stupid ass new rules? Fuck that. 

And all the sex workers and people and run side blogs and NSFW art blogs and the like are just completely screwed (no pun intended). It upsets me because like... Porn blogs have never been the issue. There are definitely some horrible ones, no denying that, but for the most part they just stayed in their lane and interacted with other porn blogs. They weren’t the issue (And, if Tumblr knew at all how to create a damn site, they wouldn’t have been an issue at all if the damn safe mode toggle actually worked like it was supposed to). The ungodly amount of bots is the fucking issue. I can tell you right now, I have over a thousand followers and I am in no way kidding when I say half of those are porn bots that I just gave up reporting because I get like, 3 of them following me a week on average. It’s ridiculous! Also, ACTUAL FUCKING CHILD PORN? THAT IS EASILY ACCESSIBLE EVEN WHEN NOT LOOKING UP ANYTHING NSFW (which I very unfortunately know through experience)? And to top it all off, fucking NAZIS who for some reason are still allowed to spew their bullshit on this site??? Is this a nightmare?

So with all this happening, I believe it’s pretty safe to say Tumblr’s days are numbered. It makes me laugh and cry, it’s something you could see coming a mile away and yet something that you didn’t think would actually happen. I don’t want to leave Tumblr. I love you guys (the users not the staff). You have all brought joy and enrichment to my life and I am so grateful I got to be here with you. I also just like a lot of nuances of tumblr, like the fact I can read an entry so powerful and moving it brings me to tears and then just one post underneath is an over baked nonsensical cat meme which has me wheezing for reasons I can’t quite explain. I can be anonymous and as weird as I want to here without having to really worry about family, coworkers, or older friends seeing it and being like WTF is wrong with you, what does all this mean??? I like how my blog looks and how I can bitch in the tags and chat with my friends and message people and talk about my oc’s and randoms interests and get pointers and learn new things and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I love Tumblr. I don’t want to leave and don’t necessarily plan to. But then again, I said they same thing about Xanga, and if Tumblr keeps going in the way it is going... I’m not sure I really truly  want to be lumped in with that. :/

Now this has already been entirely too long (and honestly I’m kind of feeling how I did when I started this blog in 2010 lul) but lemme say this: Thanks guys, I had a whole lot of fun. And if I do end up leaving sometime in the maybe not to distant future know that I will always be lurking around somewhere on the internet, and I had the best time while I was here. I wish nothing but the best for all of you, and may we all be able to remain a happy and dysfunctional little group, if not here, somewhere much better.

[botanistlester]

Sweet Pea (33/34)

Summary: A nickname that goes bitter in your mouth. Cries for help that no one listens to. Gentle hands that make you quake on the ground you’re standing on. When Phil first met Nico, he thought he was a gift from the heavens. But behind the mask lies something daunting, something unnerving, that Phil never foresaw. Through his journey, he finds solace in Dan, the regular at his workplace, who seems to be the only one who sees through Nico’s mask to the darkness underneath. Warnings: Abusive relationship, violence A/N: Holy crappu! Chapter 33! Only one more chapter left and then this fic will be finished! I literally am in shock right now honestly. I'll save all the gushy stuff for the next chapter, but i'm still in shock lol. The final chapter is more like an epilogue so it may be out before Saturday since I already have half of it written! So keep your eye out for that! Sorry this chapter is late, i had a lot going on these couple of weeks and then like three hours ago I was almost finished with this but my roommate asked if I wanted to watch The Killing of a Sacred Deer (it's a movie i promise) and i was like. Um yeah who do you take me for OF COURSE! So here we are, three hours into sunday, and I'm an ass! Thank you all for reading this and for your lovely comments! The song at the beginning is from Somebody That I Used to Know by Gotye

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-

Chapter Thirty-Three

Now and then I think of when we were together. Like when you said you felt so happy you could die. Told myself that you were right for me, but felt so lonely in your company. But that was love and it's an ache I still remember.

-

University starts before Phil is truly ready for it.

One moment, he feels like he’s just minding his own business working and lazing around the house, and the next he’s scrambling to do last minute school shopping (i.e., buy a pack of pencils and that’s it). It hits him hard, but his friends are there for him and he even shares his creative nonfiction class with Charlie, so he can’t be too terribly mad.

The first couple of weeks go by rather slowly. His professors are all nice, and Phil had gotten a doctor’s note from his psychologist saying that he may have to miss school sometimes due to an ‘underlying mental illness’, which really just meant his post-traumatic stress disorder that occasionally flared up here and there. While it had gotten better, he wasn’t completely healed yet. Apparently that shit either took years to go away, or even never went away. But Phil was optimistic and every time he could smell Nico’s old cologne or watch Nico’s favourite show without going into freakout mode was a win for him.

Things got stressful fast though, sadly, which is true for all of university. One moment, he was just minding his own business, scrolling through tumblr at odd hours of the day, eating snacks, and the next he was scrambling to finish a ten page paper about why sex education in school is important while completely forgetting to eat as he rushed to finish. Dan was practically shoving food down his throat during it all, berating him for not starting the paper earlier.

What a hypocrite, honestly. Phil had seen Dan rush to finish a paper multiple times because his depression had gotten in the way of doing it earlier. At the least, he should at least understand when Phil did it too.

But then again, maybe he did understand. Maybe he was shoving food down Phil’s throat and promising him a bubble bath after he finished because he knew exactly what Phil was dealing with emotionally, knew how hard it was to complete things on time when the world was pressing on your chest in a way that made it hard to breathe.

After a while, his brain had had enough of the strain and decided to give up after five pages, spewing out a load of bullshit that didn’t make sense in the slightest. Phil buried his face into his palms, his eyes tearing up, and pressed his fingers against his eyelids to keep the wetness from leaking onto his cheeks. It didn’t really help too much other than to make his eyes hurt with the pressure.

“Why don’t you take a break?” Dan asked softly, draping a soft blanket around Phil’s shoulders. He kissed the side of Phil’s head, nuzzling his nose into his hair. “Email your professor and see if she’ll let you turn it in a day late.”

Phil laughed humourlessly, wetly. He didn’t think it was that easy. Plus, wouldn’t that just make him look bad by asking for special treatment? “And let my professor know that I was slacking on this assignment? I’d rather die.”

Dan hummed and pulled Phil’s laptop off of his lap, ignoring the small protests that came out of Phil’s mouth when he did so. Without asking, he replaced the laptop with himself, plopping on Phil’s lap like he was a dog. He poked Phil’s nose. “Mental health isn’t being lazy or slacking, my dear boy. It’s an actual disorder of the brain that renders you incapable during periods of time where you would otherwise be okay. Sometimes you can be in a bad place for weeks, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Your professors already know that there’s something going on with you. Asking for an extra day to complete the assignment is just you trying to be responsible and practicing self care. If you don’t finish tonight, then you’ll look like you don’t care about it at all and you’ll get points taken off of your assignment. Which would you prefer?”

In the end, Phil emailed his professor. Although he did do it with a lot of whining and grumbling, just to make Dan mad. (It doesn’t matter that Dan doesn’t get mad at him anyways, no matter how hard Phil tried. He was always way too understanding, damn it).

After only five minutes of refreshing his gmail anxiously, Dr. Lucifer replied with a chill, ‘Don’t worry about it, I’ll give you until Wednesday to complete it. Feel better Philip!’ There was even a smiley face at the end, so out of place after Phil had carefully constructed his email, made sure there were no typos, practically typing out a double spaced, 12 point Times New Roman persuasive paper about why he needed an extra day to complete. And then here was his professor, signing off with a fucking smiley face.

“Was that so hard?” Dan asked softly, brushing a hand through Phil’s hair.

Phil pouted and, because he was a jerk, pushed Dan off his lap light enough that Dan wouldn’t get hurt and could catch himself when he fell. “Shut your mouth, Howell, you owe me a bubble bath.”

Phil did end up getting his bubble bath, complete with a robot bubble bar from Lush, candles around the tub, and his favourite anime playing on his laptop that was set on the toilet so he could see. However, he also got an armful of Dan, which was something pure and good.

When Dan joined the bath, it didn’t matter that they were both too giants trying to fit into one tub. It didn’t matter that Phil’s legs started to go numb after a while or that they had to get out quicker because they got too hot too fast. All that mattered was that they were spending time together, with Phil’s arms around Dan’s waist, gently running his nails over Dan’s stomach because he knew that Dan liked it when he did that.

Most of the time, Phil liked to be held by Dan simply because it made him feel safe and warm and loved. But today, Phil wanted to be able to hold somebody. Holding something against his chest made him feel like his heart was full, like there was someone who needed him and who he needed in return. It was so relaxing, in his opinion, especially when that person was Dan, who he could press kisses all over his shoulders and neck. Who’s hair he could mess with, twirling a curls around his finger and pretending like his fingers were curling irons.

It was nice. It got Phil’s schoolwork off of his mind, that’s for sure. And when Dan turned around, capturing Phil’s lips in his, asking if he wanted a ‘good job blowjob’, Phil definitely didn’t have any complaints.

-

Phil had a break in between his Poetry and his Creative Nonfiction class where he liked to go to the different dining halls to grab some food. Depending on the day, Phil would meet up with either Louise, Dan, or both, and they would have a meal together, talking about how their classes were going, or how life in general was going. Phil really liked Louise and he was glad that they were getting to know each other better, thanks to Dan.

Plus, seeing Louise and Dan together reminded Phil of how he and Chandler used to be. They had their own inside jokes and would sometimes just break into laughter as soon as they made eye contact for no apparent reason. Louise made fun of Dan with no shame and Dan laughed so loudly that his voice would go all high pitched and squeaky.

Whereas most people may feel like they were a third wheel after something like this, Phil didn’t feel that way at all. It was nice on days where Phil didn’t feel up to talking too much, and it was nice on the days when Phil wanted to join in and create his own inside jokes with them. Watching the two of them together was a gift in itself, because Phil liked to watch how Dan interacted with people who weren’t, well, him.

When Dan wasn’t talking to Phil, his voice was louder and more brash, more obnoxious. He was more sarcastic, kind of mean, but only in a joking way. He liked to tell people to fuck off, liked to tell them that they were twats. He cussed a lot and was a dramatic piece of shit that was so painfully obviously studying something in theatre.

With Phil, Dan was all smiles and soft voices and warmth. Sometimes he would get all competitive and act like he was the most important drama queen on the planet, but then other times he would be all cuddles and kisses and compliments. Phil would love to tell the whole world about Dan’s big praise kink whenever Dan was in his boasting mood with Louise, but he didn’t. When he smiled at Phil, he made these doe-eyes that really made him look in love, tone quiet when he teased.

In short, Dan was a lot gayer with just Phil around.

Today was just one of those days where Phil didn’t really feel like talking. Dan understood this and didn’t press him for answers, knowing by now that Phil sometimes just needed time to be quiet and think about life. Everyone had those days, and Phil was having a day like that now.

Dan was holding his hand on the table, and Phil was grateful once again that they had opposite dominant hands, that way they could hold hands while still eating. Phil was eating a taco bowl made with spicy shrimp and Dan had gotten a sub sandwich with a taro bubble tea. Despite Dan’s efforts to make Phil try the drink, Phil refused, saying that he was afraid it would taste like a potato.

Louise and Dan were in a dispute about which bubble tea flavour was the best. Louise was stuck on mango while Dan said that the milk tea and taro were definitely the best. Phil just smiled and sat back, sipping on his own earl grey bubble tea. He liked it, but it wasn’t the best he’d ever tasted at all. He just hadn’t been in the mood for anything particularly fruity, so this was the most logical answer.

“How’s your tea, Phil?” Louise asked, drawing Dan’s attention towards Phil as well.

Phil shrugged and sipped at it again. “Spicy. Wait, no that’s not what I-” he was cut off by the sound of Dan trying to hold in a laugh, but failing miserably as it came out with a snort. He made eye contact with Louise, whose eyes were watering from trying not to laugh, and then they all burst into laughter. The table was practically vibrating with their noise, and Phil’s throat hurt from cackling so hard.

When Louise could finally get in a breath, she wheezed out, “Phil, that is the whitest thing I have ever heard you say.”

“I forgot what the word for herbal was!” Phil whined, which only made Dan laugh harder.

“Earl grey isn’t even an herbal tea, Phil!”

Phil pouted and crossed his arms over his chest. “Your mum isn’t even an herbal tea.”

Louise shook her head, taking a few deep breaths to try and calm down. Her makeup was a bit watery and messed up now, but it didn’t look bad. If anything, it was just endearing. “I can’t believe we’re still using your mum jokes.”

“I can’t believe you’re my friend,” Phil shot back, shaking his head in disappointment at himself. In all honesty, he was really grateful for both Louise and Dan, and they both knew that. Without them, Phil would probably just be sat in his apartment with no friends and sad piano music playing in the background.

The epitome of depression.

Just then, Phil glanced around the dining hall that they were in and his eyes came to a stop on someone who looked slightly familiar. It took him a moment to realise why they looked familiar, because this person had curly brown hair with blonde highlights, and Phil didn’t know anybody with blonde highlights.

But apparently he did now, because Nico was standing across the dining hall, in line at the bubble tea shop. As opposed to the other times Phil had seen him, this time he was completely alone and staring right at Phil with a hard frown on his lips.

From where he was sitting, Phil couldn’t see the freckle constellations on his face. He couldn’t see the colour of his eyes or how they shined emerald in the light. He couldn’t see the lines between his eyebrows or each individual strand of hair. He couldn’t smell his cologne or hear his voice.

And yet, Phil could hear his voice. He could smell his cologne. He could see the fucking freckles on his face and the glitter of emerald in his eyes and the lines between his eyebrows and each individual strand of hair. If somebody had asked him if he could draw constellations connecting each freckle together with only a pen and a piece of paper and no map, then Phil would be able to do it perfectly. Because even a year later, the memory of Nico was still burned into his head so intensely that he still couldn’t forget all of the tiny details that made up the man.

Dan squeezed Phil’s hand but Phil was so focused on the matter at hand that he hardly noticed. He could feel panic build up in him, making his skin pale and shaky. He felt nauseous, but it wasn’t as overwhelming as it had been whenever Phil had seen Nico before. This time, it was just a smooth thrumming in his bones, vibrating him, making him feel like his skeleton was trying to shed off his own skin.

He hated that he was doing this in front of Louise, hated that he was showing weakness once again in a public setting. Every time he thought that he was doing well, that maybe for once he was taking his PTSD by the balls and throwing it against the wall for good, it seemed to be thrown back in his face in one way or another.

“Phil.”

Nico didn’t look away and Phil couldn’t bring himself to either. They were frozen, thinking about a time when they were together, when Phil had put Nico first no matter what it did to his own mental health. Back when Nico’s opinion meant more than his own, when he had done everything to keep Nico and had gotten nothing in return but harsh words and a cold shoulder. Now being with Dan, Phil doesn’t know how he’d been with Nico for so long when he had constantly felt like shit. But he also knew that it wasn’t that simple. He’d been trapped by the sick idea that that was what love was supposed to be like, thanks to all of those sick love stories that made him believe that love meant sacrificing parts of yourself for your partner even if it makes you sad.

“Phil. Phil, hey.”

Dan’s hands were on both of Phil’s cheeks then, turning his head to face him. His hands were cold against Phil’s hot cheeks, but his eyes were warm like tea. His eyebrows were crinkled with concern, his thumbs rubbing over Phil’s cheekbones to try to bring him back to the present.

When he finally got Phil’s eyes on him, Dan smiled softly and bumped their foreheads together, nuzzling his nose against Phil’s. “Hey,” he murmured quietly.

Phil tried to smile but he only succeeded in his lips twitching up slightly, eyebrows furrowed like he was worried about something. Face pale like he had seen a ghost. “Hi,” he whispered, voice shaking slightly.

Ignoring Louise’s presence completely, Dan pressed a kiss to Phil’s nose. Feather light but full of feeling. Full of care. A small I’m here for you. Phil glanced out of the corner of his eye, back over towards Nico. He saw the way Nico was gritting his teeth, clenching his fists. Saw the way Nico muttered under his breath and then turned away, getting out of line and walking out of the dining hall.

“Hey,” Dan said again. “Look at me. Are you looking at me?” He pulled away and pressed kisses against Phil’s forehead, his cheeks, the corner of his lips. Phil was looking at him now. He was always looking at Dan. “Good. Keep your eyes on me. I’m here, okay? Everything is going so well, you’re doing so well. I’m so proud of you, you know? You’ve gotten so far and you’re doing things for yourself and even if you trip and stumble sometimes, you don’t let it stop you. You keep going no matter how hard it is. You’re so strong, Phil. You always have been.”

Phil closed his eyes, let Dan’s words wash over him. With Nico out of the room, he was starting to calm down, but it was hard to completely grasp the present enough to get himself out of the past. It was almost as though he had hands grabbing at his legs, trying to pull him under until he was gasping for breath, completely submerged in memory that he didn’t quite want to remember.

Slowly, Dan started to pull him out, whispering to Phil how he inspired him every day to be a better person, how Phil had gone through hell and yet had gotten out despite not believing in himself. When he ran out of things to say, he started talking about what was going on in their lives at the moment, how Phil had gone back to school and was doing so many things with his life now.

When Phil’s breath audibly stabilized, Dan kissed him lightly on the lips and pulled back slightly, looking at him with that calm smile on his face again. Phil’s eyes fluttered open and he stared into the warm brown, his heartbeat starting to calm. Dan grinned. “Better?”

Phil nodded and managed to smile back, albeit a bit shakily still. “A bit,” he rasped out. “I mostly just feel tired now.”

“Do you need to go back to the flat and skip out on Creative Nonfiction for today?”

This time, Phil shook his head. “No, I should go,” he sighed out, bumping his forehead to Dan’s and putting his hand on his knee, squeezing it lightly. “My writing journal is due today and I don’t want to deal with asking another professor for another extension. Better to just get it over with.”

Dan was beaming at him and he looked so full of sunlight that Phil was afraid he might burst. Phil gave him a quizzical stare, and if Dan was a dog with a tail, he would be wagging it right then. “You didn’t freak out that bad!” Dan exclaimed as reasoning for being so excited. Phil pursed his lips as Dan continued. “You didn’t pass out, you didn’t start crying or have to leave. Fuck, you’re even going to class afterwards. That’s amazing, Phil!”

Phil was absolutely floored. He didn’t really think about it like that. All he had been thinking was that it was ridiculous that he was still dwelling in the past, that he was still panicking. Because he did panic, he did get anxious and upset. But this time, he had actually been able to get a hold of his emotions without something drastically changing. “I…” he started, and then laughed awkwardly, shaking his head in amazement. “Yeah, you’re right.”

While there was still anxiety inside of him, Phil hadn’t had a full blown panic attack. And it was while Nico was in the room. Every time Phil had imagined seeing Nico again, it had never turned out well. He had always thought he would freak out or pass out or all of the above. But this time, he didn’t do any of those things.

“We need to celebrate,” Dan joked, and it was then that he seemed to realise that Louise was still there. Poor Louise, who was just eating her food and scrolling through her phone without paying them any mind. She was so obviously trying to give them space, but her ears perked when Dan started to speak to her. “Louise, do you wanna buy Phil an ice cream?”

Phil laughed in shock, shoving at Dan. He shook his head in disbelief. “You can’t just ask people if they’ll buy things for me, Dan!” he scolded his boyfriend, giving him what was supposed to be a harsh look.

Louise jumped at the chance to be a part of the situation though, because she was reaching across the table and grabbing Phil’s hand in both of her own. With the most serious expression on her face that Phil had ever seen, she said, “I will buy you every goddamn ice cream in the world if that’s what you want.”

They stared at each other. Phil with his mouth hanging open and Louise with an unreadable expression. The longer they stared, the more laughter built up inside of Phil at the absurdity of the situation, and then they were both giggling. Louise squeezed his hand. “Seriously, Phil. I’m buying you ice cream whether you like it or not.”

“Fine,” Phil huffed. “Let’s have a full blown party in that case. I expect strippers.”

“Can’t forget the strippers. They’re essential,” Dan said.

Louise nodded and pulled out a mini notebook from her purse, jotting something down inside of it with a pink pen. “Got it. Ice cream and strippers. I’ll throw Phil the best gosh darn anti-panic-attack party there ever was and you better be there. Or else.”

Phil didn’t know what the or else meant, but he knew that he was going to be there for sure, surrounded by people who he loved and cared about, and who felt the same for him. Because this was the kind of thing that people should throw parties for apparently, and he was just going to have to accept that.

Accepting it wasn’t very hard, after all.

Chapter Thirty-Four 

[averagequeerstuff-blog]

Christmas Eve

12/24/2017

10:25

The universe does not want me to make this post tonight. This is my third fucking time restarting my writing. The first time my browser decided to randomly refresh and I lost a nice long entry I was just about to post. I learned the lesson that I should probably type my entries in Word before pasting them into a Tumblr text-post. The second time I unplugged my laptop on accident when I got up to get Meatball off of the T.V. stand. She was knocking shit off, like cats do. You can stare at them and say “No!” while they make direct eye-contact with you as they swipe shit off and onto the floor. Pesky little shit. While I was getting up, I unplugged my laptop by accident which needs to be plugged in to stay on. Needless to say, Microsoft Word proved to be incredibly useless and it didn’t save my progress. So now I’m moving onto Google Docs. This has been a not-so-relaxing night of failure and lessons learned. I’ve also been reminded I need a new computer really fucking badly. It doesn’t stay turned on unless its plugged in. The charging cable easily falls out. Letters are skipped while typing. I thought writing was going to help me relax, but really it's just made me realize how much I hate technology. I spent almost two thousand dollars on this laptop, it’s not even 2 years old, I have taken pretty damn good care of it, and here we are. Sigh. Without further adieu, I start this entry for a THIRD time, nearly an hour later from when I first started at 9:30 pm. Hopefully it’s as detailed and good as the first two times, but I’m giving myself some slack. Feet don’t fail me now.

It’s Christmas eve, as you can probably tell by the date on the top of this post. I’ve been listening to Dolly Parton’s Hard Candy Christmas on repeat for almost an hour. It’s starting to get just a LITTLE old at this point, but Dolly Parton is a queen and I always have time for her. I don’t really like Christmas and my dad doesn’t really celebrate it either, so whatever. I’m sitting alone in the room I’m staying in typing and scrolling aimlessly through Scruff and Grindr. Probably not the best idea to be on these apps. I’m just horny, sad, and in a small very sparsely populated state. Probably the worst combination in the history of all combinations, ever. Once again, the universe is out to make me miserable.

Can you tell how dramatic I am yet? It’s pretty fucking incredible.

Yesterday I went to Riverton for two reasons: the first reason, to visit my grandma Peggy. The second, to meet up with two friends, Robert and Shayna, at a 2-spirit meeting on the reservation in Fort Washakie. It was great to see my grandma. She looks a lot older than I remember her looking, and it made me a little bit sad. I really need to get better about staying in touch with my family members. I got busy in college and neglected a lot of relationships. You live and you learn, I guess. I’m going to start committing myself to calling the family members I love. I need to hold myself more accountable for this. Her dog Cesar recently passed away from problems with diabetes. He was the same breed as my dog, Cleo (Get it, Cleo and Cesar, cute right?) who also currently lives with my grandma. I sent Cleo there when I left to college because I figured my grandma could take better care of her than my dad could. My dad doesn’t hate animals, but dogs in particular take a lot of love and affection to be happy and healthy. My dad is not the most affectionate person on earth. Although, he seems to really care about the pets that live in his house now. I think he regrets a lot of things in his life, how he used to not care about animals being one of them. My dad and Cynde have 3 cats... Bubbles (my good boy who I grew up with. He is getting old now) Miley, and Maximus. Miley and Maximus are scared of everything. They are also aggressive self-petters... Meaning, if your hand or appendage is dangling from an arm rest, they will come up and aggresively rub their faces on it and “pet” themselves. Miley gets really into it. Maximus is more cautious than she is. My grandma is a total animal lover, and has a big yard and garden for Cleo to run around in. Cleo was happy to see me, and she definitely remembered who I was. My grandma also has a lot of cats and another dog named Shorty. They are all fucking adorable. My favorite cat of my grandma’s is one named Gravy. He is 2 years old. He’s a soft and sleepy boy. He’s very cuddly, too. His mouth falls open when he’s really relaxed and sleeping. I took a picture:

My grandma seems happy and healthy. She made us a big dinner last night… Turkey, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread, and pie. It was tasty and my dad and I brought a lot of leftovers back to Greybull.

A funny story that involves both my grandma, AND the pie: my grandma is sort of a conspiracy theorist. She would never call herself that, however. One of the first things she did when I got to Riverton was hand me a packet telling me how I can spiritually awaken myself during the holiday season and how now is the best time to do so... Anyways- back to the pie. She recently purchased this small plastic tube, I’m assuming from the internet… I tried not to ask a lot of questions because I didn’t want the conversation to go on for hours. My grandma explained to me and my dad after pouring us two glasses of water that this water in particular was better for you than regular water because it had been run through this “device” (the tube). Apparently it helps purify the water and add oxygen to it. Cool I thought, all fine and dandy. But then she started talking about using the tube to restructure unhealthy foods by blowing into one end and circulating the air you’re blowing out of it around the food on the plate. She said it can help restructure the molecules within the pie to make it a little healthier and draw out the toxins in your body and the heavy metals in your brain from bad food and vaccines (You can’t make this stuff up). My dad and I just humored her and nodded our heads, trying to make the conversation end. I love my grandma, but I worry about her being on the internet sometimes.

The drive to Riverton yesterday morning was pretty rough. We had gotten up at 7 am to drive about 2 hours there and the weather was less than ideal. Thankfully my dad was driving because I had spent the night before getting drunk at Ashley’s. Ashley and I had made plans that night to go out “bar-hopping” in Greybull. Yeah. It was EXACTLY as you’d expect. Disappointing. I believe there are 4 bars in Greybull. The Silver Spur, the Smokehouse, Lisa’s, and another one whose name I can’t remember right now. The Silver Spur and the Smokehouse were like, grossly well-lit, and no one in the bar was under the age of 40. Bars… If you want to help your business and attract a younger crowd please do 3 things:

Turn off the bright, ugly, fluorescent lights. Ambient lighting is nice.

Don’t be in Greybull, Wyoming.

Stay open past 10 pm.

We ended up going to Lisa’s, a locally owned bar and restaurant. Honestly, not bad. I had two Chimney-Rock Margaritas, and a lot of chips and salsa. I saw two of my classmates from high school. One I used to have a crush on, the other, well, let’s just say, the good ol’ high school glory days are DEFINITELY over. That’s all that needs to be said. It's always nice to see people who used to relentlessly bully you go way down hill after high school. Karma, maybe? We went back to Ashley’s that night and I got progressively more drunk off of gin and La Croix (sounds white, I know). I think I ended up leaving her house at like 4:30 am after her brother Josh woke me up after I fell asleep on the basement couch. I got home, sadly ate some Ruffles potato chips in bed, and woke up an hour and a half later to sit in a cold car and drive to Riverton. Everything ended up being okay, thank god. I take good care of my body, obviously.

Like I said at the beginning, I also went to Riverton to meet up with friends. Robert and Shayna work for Wyoming Equality and have done some pretty amazing things for LGBTQ+ people in our state. They invited me to go with them to a 2-spirit meeting on the reservation in Fort Washakie. It was really amazing to gain a new perspective from a community I previously did not have a lot of knowledge about. I listened to everyone’s stories and experiences. It felt important. It IS important. There was a gift exchange of hand-made gifts when the meeting was over. I made a drawing to contribute:

I unofficially named it “There is power in a limp wrist”. I made it to kind of serve as a reminder to take pride in queer identity. I believe there is power in queer identity. I believe queer people are special.

After the meeting we went with everyone to a new Hookah bar in Riverton. The bar owner is black and queer. I think it is pretty great Wyoming has something like that. I’m happy that a black and queer business owner is being supported in Wyoming. It’s things like this that give me hope when I feel like the whole country is going to shit. Later that evening we went and ate at the Wind River Casino. After dinner, I put a dollar in the penny slot and won 5 dollars. A 500% profit. Go me. It paid back half of my meal. I had a good time. A little bit of my faith was restored yesterday. As I said, there is power in queerness.

It’s 11:20 now. Almost Christmas day.

Happy Holidays.

-E

[thedragonlover]

30 Question Challenge Thing

I was tagged by @thewitchofthenorse​ and, hey, I love filling these things out every once in a while. So here we go!

1. Nicknames

Let’s see... Dragon, DL, kitty, mow-mow, manager, Meggie-poo, Dragon-nee-chan/nee-chan, mom, sug’, sweetie, Short Dragon, and probably plenty of others I can’t remember. Lots of stories behind those, aha.

2. Gender

Female. Though I was mistaken for a guy once in high school. That was an interesting and funny misunderstanding.

3. Star sign

Okay, all I know is that I’m a Cancer. I don’t know any of the fancier stuff. :|

4. Height

5′1″. *sighs* Yeah, yeah. Yuck it up.

5. Time

8:45pm, while answering this bit.

6. Birthday

July 16th

7. Favorite bands

...fuck. A lot? Uh, looking at what’s on my phone or off the top of my head, I enjoy Skillet, Disturbed, Gypsy Kings, Smash Mouth, Ninja Sex Party, Evanescence, The Noisy Freaks, Lacuna Coil, Oomph!, BIGBANG, Daft Punk, Metallica, Maroon 5, Mystery Skulls, and so many others. Honestly, my mother had me listen to every genre growing up.

8. Favorite solo artists

Same problem as above. FUCK. Uh... Chipzel, Savant, NateWantsToBattle, G-Dragon, Jewel, P!nk, Norah Jones, Regina Spektor, Ricky Martin... seriously, my tastes are a melting pot of whatever music I’ve come across. It’s only particular songs I don’t like.

9. Song stuck in my head

Invariably, I always end up humming the chorus of “Come On, Eileen” during a lull. Although recently I had JubyPhonic’s “Lost Ones Weeping” in my head.

10. Last movie watched

Song of the Sea. Fantastic! Thanks, @crazy-thel :’3 You always have great movie suggestions~

11. Last show watched

Watched a full episode of, you mean? My Hero Academia. Or Boku No Hero Academia. Or Midoriya Is Best Son And Friend, Bakugo Needs Some Chill Pills, And Shouto Needs a Goddamn Hug Show.

12. When did I create my blog?

...uh. ...FUCK, I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO CHECK THAT. Uh several years ago? I’ll get back to you on that...?

13. What do I post

Stupid shit. Okayokay, I reblog a bunch of stuff, but what I personally post tends to vary. Sometimes I doodle, sometimes I’ll post my writing, sometimes I rant or gush about something. This is my personal blog, so posts aren’t themed or anything.

14. Last thing I googled

Oh, boy. Moment of truth. What did I google? ...OH WHOOPS. “Song of the Sea,” to make sure that was indeed the movie I had seen lolme. Okay, before that? “AO3,” cuz it’s quicker than typing all that out and I haven’t bookmarked it yet for some reason. Before that? “Undertale human souls” to answer some questions I had about the colors and their “traits.” Before THAT? “Memetic,” to make sure I remembered it correctly from high school...

15. Do you have other blogs

A few! One that I might actually do something with later, one that I share with my old roommates, and a secret one ohohoho~ 

16. Do you get asks

Sometimes! Not all that often. *shrugs* Mostly it’s just people I know who want to put a nice message in. Have had a request for writing sitting in there for a while... maybe I should do something about that....

17. Why did you choose your url

It’s the username I use for a lot of things. Basically what I called myself since elementary school, since I love dragons (and fantasy) so much. It’s nothing clever but *shrugs* I’ve had it for so many years that it’s part of me now.

18. Following

...559. Wow. That’s... a lot. No wonder my dash updates so frequently. (Curse you, tumblr mobile, for refreshing my dash when I see something cool!)

19. Followers

140? Wowie!

20. Favorite colors

Silver, gray, black, hunter green, red, scarlet, brown, amber, purple... I prefer darker or neutral colors.

21. Average hours of sleep

Hrm. That’s math. I dun wanna. Uh... depends? If I can get away with it, the normal eight. But some days it’s 2-4 because work/obligations. I have horrible sleep in general. And am nocturnal.

22. Lucky number

11, 37, 48. 11 was my favorite spot on the rifle team back in high school, 48 was the first number I decided I liked (because it’s two digits and two times four is eight, wow what logic) and 37 the second I chose (one because I decided I liked the fortune it came on, and two because again two digits but this time three plus seven is ten, and three because it’s eleven less than 48! WOW LOGIC!!!)

23. Instruments

I played violin in elementary school and fiddled with guitar a bit. For favorites, violin, piano, and saxophone (or should I say sexyphone ;3c )

24. What I’m wearing

Jeans, t-shirt that says “I’m simply a book drunkard,” and my red hat with “DL” on it that my mom got me ages ago.

25. How many blankets I sleep with

Generally one or two throw blankets. Because I keep forgetting to wash the actual comforter.

26. Dream job

One that involves writing whatever I want, making dumb jokes, and eating more. And where goofing off a lot is allowed.

27. Dream trip

Honestly? There was a cabin my father’s family rented once when I was younger, on the side of a mountain. The trip itself wasn’t great, but there was a spot in the corner of the game room beside a plug-in heater, with a lamp and small table and the comfiest recliner in the whole damn place. I read and wrote a lot there. So peaceful. Muted. Relaxed. So, any place where I can have that again.

28. Favorite food

I need more steak in my life. But I’m also partial to sushi, reuben sandwiches, really good fucking burgers, asparagus, corn, and dark chocolate.

29. Nationality

American.

30. Favorite song now

WHY MUST YOU MAKE ME CHOOSE ONE? Dammit. Uh... “You Are My Sunshine,” by whoever, because my mom used that as a lullaby when I was little.

*slams hands on desk* THERE! DID IT! Hope I’m interesting enough for y’all ahaha just kidding 

I tag @lostsoulwolf @loraliah @sunflowerkittycrafts and whoever else feels like doing this! Go for it~

[canaryatlaw]

So, today was all around pretty good, although it started out with what could've been a much worse mess up than it was haha so even in that I was glad it wasn't worse. But being the genius that I am, I straight up forgot to set my alarm last night. Really, Rachel? Like really? But thankfully I woke up at 8:02 and realized what had happened, so I was only half an hour behind, which of course was cured by ubering to church (I swear my uber bill this week is gonna be through the roof). But I got there just on time to the nursery as we started transitioning from the 8 am service to the 9:30. We weren't sure how it was gonna go because there weren't a lot of volunteers signed up and that's normally the busiest service, but a lot of volunteers showed up anyway so it was fine (I think a lot of them were family members who were asked for this week rather than regular volunteers, otherwise I would've been kind of pissed they didn't sign up and had us freaking out). But yeah, it pretty much went off without a hitch, I think we got about 12 babies so it was manageable, and I think we made it through without having to text any moms so that's always a win. Once parents started coming I ran over to the makeshift church to grab some food before service, and wound up eating half a donut while having a short discussion continued from last week about 13 Reasons Why with one of my friends on the ministry team (she's like, the mom of teenagers but she's very sweet and I like her a lot). So then I went to service, and we went a bit non-traditional as it was actually a panel discussing privilege, being that we're in our "love thy neighborhood" series and we're discussing all the violence, segregation, and economic disparities there are here. It was a really interesting discussion and I think they did a really good job framing it in a Christian context that made sense and didn't come off as something that would make some people feel defensive. I'm probably gonna tell my dad and brother to listen to the recording of it on the church's website because I think it could help their understanding of the subject, if they're willing to listen anyway. So after that service I ran back over to the nursery, and prepared for the 12:30, which thankfully is the calm service and it proved to be so again today. I don't think there were any tears haha. There was our little chubster boy who's just the most smiliest little thing, and then they were short staffed in some rooms so they were moving kids around, so we got some of the 2 year olds including my little favorite girl I hadn't seen since she moved up, so I got to play with her for most of the service which of course I had so much fun with because she's just so darn cute. We did the whole "I'm gonna get you!" chasing thing for a while haha and then generally just played, I ended up sitting in the ball pit as she tried to identify the colors of the balls, but I don't think she was quite connecting what actual trait we were talking about because she'd hold up a blue one and go "blue!" And we'd say yes! Then she'd hold up an orange one and say "blue!" And I'm just like I don't think you're quite getting it sweetie. She got uncharacteristically upset towards the end, something I've only seen out of her one 1 or 2 other occasions, and we were close to the service being over but she wanted her parents and refused to be comforted in any way, not quite throwing a tantrum but not being happy. Fortunately her two older sisters were in the K-5 room across the hall so I asked if she'd like to see her sisters and took her over there, which seemed to help her out a bit. It was a bit chaotic in there so I didn't want her to be in there too long because they were playing foosball and such and I didn't want her to get hit with one of the poles in it that was just at the level of her head, lol. She let us go back after a few minutes though and then thankfully her mom showed up soon after so that ended up fine. We had also been packing up during the service since we have to move a lot of stuff back to the actual church, so we finished that up and then we were done. During the morning I was trying to think what I could do off my to do list today, and it occurred to me that I could go bra shopping after church since I was already downtown and would have time. So I typed the address into google maps and told me to show the public transit from my location to there and it was like "unable to find route" and I was just like........wtf?? This has never happened before haha but it really was not cooperating so I sighed and said I guess I'll take an uber but I did uber pool and since it wasn't a very long distance it was only like $3. So I get to the shmancy shopping center and the one fucking bra store in all of Chicago that actually sells my bra size (I'm not even exaggerating) and the lady there actually remembered me because of my weird polyester allergy haha and I just told her one of the ones I had wasn't fitting right and the other was getting kind of worn since I was pretty much only ever wearing it. So we got to work trying on bras and managed to find a few good options, I wanted to have at least a few I could choose from, so I chose two from the store and then ended up ordering a third just in a different color for the size that fit best (when people are like "what's your size?" I'm like "it depends on what bra I'm wearing???" Haha cuz they're very inconsistent. Last time I checked measurement wise I think I was a 34HH and the bras I got today were a 32H, 34H, and 32I (I'm guessing that brand skips from H to I and doesn't do double H, again, inconsistent brands)). So I ended up spending a lot on that of course because they're like $150 a pop but like, what else am I supposed to do? I need bras, lol. So when I left there there was a Bloomingdales in there too which I remembered being way expensive the last time I was in there but I did still need blazers so I thought maybe I'd check if they had any on sale. WELL. They actually had quite a few that were 40% off, sounds like a great deal- except the original price on the first I checked was $995 (sale price of $597) and $1195 (sale price of $717). So after that short peek I promptly left because I refuse to spend that much money on simple items of clothing (like if it's a specialized dress or whatever sure but just a fucking blazer? Please). I was kind of hungry at that point and they had a little coffee shop on the bottom floor so I went there and ordered a ham and cheese croissant and an Arnold Palmer, and they warmed the croissant up and it was pretty fucking fantastic, I gotta say. Thankfully there were public transportation routes home, and I was able to get on a bus not far, only issue was I had to wait about 10 minutes for it to get there which wouldn't normally be an issue, but it had decided to get super windy and very chilly because of it, and I just have my spring dress, leggings, and cardigan which I'm like gripping to my chest because I'm freeeeeezing, and when the bus got there I wanted to like burst on there and be like "THANK GOD YOURE HERE" lol but I thought that might be a bit dramatic. So I got home and wanted to be productive, I first wanted to do laundry but quickly realized I currently have zero quarters so I was kind of stuck there. So instead I worked on hanging all the autographs I got from HVFF along with a few other things that had either never been hanged or had been and since fallen off the wall. I was successful with all but one who just refused to cooperate, lol. I'm just not very good at lining things up and when you're using the command strips you have to like let them sit on the wall for an hour then stick the picture back on and I'm so bad at that haha but we survived. I heated up some dinner and went to watch more iron fist, which did get somewhat more interesting I'd say, but the plot is still weird and I'm not really feeling the stakes here? Like it doesn't feel like the proper level of drama is there I suppose. I do enjoy the female characters though, and Claire Temple showed up and she always makes everything better so that was an improvement. While I watched I updated the company tumblr and did other such various small but productive things. And that was pretty much my day. Back to work tomorrow. Oh, I did one of the Starbucks refresher instant packet things this morning since it has caffeine in it and I didn't really have a mid-morning drowsy spell during church like I had been, though I felt tired a bit later while I was on the bus. But hey, it's progress I suppose if it'll work. And that reminds me I forgot to take the melatonin gummies tonight, dammit, so I need to go do that now so I can hopefully still fall asleep sometime soon. Goodnight peeps. Have as decent a Monday as Mondays can possibly be.