#i had to teach myself to try and express emotions in normal ways

[iloveyoudie]

thinking about how a lot of people complain about their blorbo being written in fanworks to be a crybaby or to be woobified (including me). then i realized perhaps the writers are especially prone to crying, breakdowns, meltdowns, etc. all the neurodivergent bitches in the chat weeping and not realizing the average 50 year old police man is not bursting into tears at every frustration

[mikrokosmos]

Chopin - Mazurka op.33 no.3 in C Major

There are several reasons why I struggle to make new posts for Chopin. Part of it is that he's been one of my top favorites since I first got into classical music. More accurately, he was the first who got me into music in general, the first composer's name I learned, the first pieces I listened to that moved me more than any popular song did at the time (I think I was about 9? 10?). This gives me bias toward the more purple-prosey way people talk about Chopin. Tender, beautiful, melancholic, expressing every nuanced emotion in the sea of human experience, blah blah blah. I also struggle to single out works to talk about without repeating what’s already been said. But growing up I never got into his Mazurkas nearly as much as I did all the other genre he’s famous for. The Mazurkas don’t have the operatic lyricism of the Nocturnes, they don’t have the dance qualities of the Waltzes, they aren’t carrying a promise of extra-musical narratives like the Ballades seem to suggest…they are, as a whole, more subdued, nuanced, “intimate”, and being based off of Polish dance, more of a personal expression than any other works he wrote. Maybe that hyperbole is too narrow minded, and maybe I’m falling into the same Romanticism that I claimed to want to avoid above. But I will say that the Mazurkas are full of a specific aspect of Chopin’s style that I think is taken for granted due to the 200 years of music since. That is, his grotesques; inclusions of slight dissonances that color all of the harmonies with keyboard writing that distorts normal chord progressions. Tonic to dominant, to relative minor, to subdominant, to dominant, to tonic again, the typical sequence of Classical harmony used in this Mazurka is made less familiar with voicing that emphasizes the harsh dissonances. I have been trying to teach myself to play this Mazurka but the awkward hand positions and inclusion of multiple seconds makes it feel clunky under my fingers and much harder to pull off the simplicity and grace I hear in recordings. As always, more practice needed. Still it reminds me of a quote that I’m afraid to say I cannot find the original source. I am possibly wrong, so with a grain of salt, I’ll claim that Clara Schumann said of Chopin’s playing something to the effect of “when hearing him play his music, it always sounded as if he were playing wrong notes by mistake, yet it all fit together”. Something or other, possibly not from Clara Schumann at all. The point being, these awkward and unexpected dissonances made it hard to tell the difference between a mistake and an intention, because with Chopin these perceived “mistakes” are all intentional and add to the overall color of the harmony and texture. Again, hard for us to hear in the 21st century where Chopin is marketed as an easy listening composer, music for the background while you study, or fall asleep, or lovely pretty piano music for date nights, etc. We forget that his style of piano writing was a serious departure from the Classical attitude toward voicing, phrasing, and harmony.

Here I can offer a real quote with a real source; “In search of ear-rendering dissonances, torturous transitions, sharp modulations, repugnant contortions of melody and rhythm, Chopin is altogether indefatigable. All that one can chance upon, is here brought forward to produce the effect of bizarre originality, especially the strangest tonalities, the most unnatural chord positions, the most preposterous combinations in regards to fingering. but it is not really worth the trouble to hold such long philippics for the sake of the perverse mazurkas of Herr Chopin. Had he submitted this music to a teacher, the latter, it is to be hoped, would have torn it up and thrown it at his feet - and this is what we symbolically wish to do.” (L.Rellstab, Iris, Berlin, July 5, 1833) [Slominsky, N. “Lexicon of Musical Invective” p.83 (2000)].

Ironically it is the roughness and contortions that give the music its beauty, and helps it to transcend beyond generic parlor music that was fashionable for the time. Like how Webern condensed so much emotion in microscopic works, Chopin fills a whole novel’s worth of bittersweet nostalgia in 33 bars of music that can fit on a single page. And that is why he’s still celebrated 215 years after is birth, and why he’ll always be among the greats.

[blackstorm-x]

ty blackthorn and the resurrection arc

Let’s start by the fact that Ty’s childhood was very complicated. He, like Julian and all his siblings, were only kids when his parents died. Not to ignore the fact that he had to watch Julian kill his own father. Ty’s autistic. He doesn’t perceive life as all we do. Ty was different, and not many people (read this like NO ONE outside his family) wanted to understand him. He didn’t have friends (before Kit but that’s something I won't talk about because I don’t want to cry) because no one wanted to be his friend. That had an impact on him and made him rely more on Livia, his twin. They were always together, they knew each other better than anyone else. 

I would dare to say that Livia was the most important person in Ty's life. And sometimes I wonder how people can not comprehend the reasons why he kept going on with the resurrection spell. How many people are ready to judge him only because he is different and they don’t even mind trying to understand how complex his character is.

Autism plays a big role in a person's life. I’m not autistic, I won't pretend that I understand everything perfectly only because I try to teach myself about it. But I'll try to develop my perception about it, and, please, don’t hesitate in correcting me if there’s something that I’ve misunderstood. Based on some experiences I’ve read about, I understand that our minds work differently. For autistics, change feels different. They don’t like change. And their way of expressing emotions and thoughts can vary to non autistic people. Us, neurotypical folk, we really have not a real understanding of how their minds are. How they think, how they feel. We can try to understand and empathise but it's not the same. So, there’s more of Ty Blackthorn than we know and we understand. 

With the resurrection arc. That’s something very complex that many have misunderstood or overlooked only because we are talking about Ty. It’s not the first time we had a resurrection. We had Jace’s and, after Livvy’s, we had Jesse’s. It’s still not logical in my mind how people reacted so badly to Tys resurrection arc when they praised Lucys and Clary’s. Don’t get me wrong. I know the details and context behind each one of them. Each one of them had consequences and the fact that these people decided to do them doesn’t mean it’s correct. What I don’t understand is why people were so fast to crucify Ty when they were very open minded about Clary and Lucy. 

However, I didn’t bring on Clary only to talk about peoples opinion. I brought her because her resurrection arc had an impact on Tys. After the conversation with Magnus, it was evident to me that in Tys mind it was FINE to resurrect people because that was something that had happened before and had no consequences (in front of The Clave). Ty knew that Clary resurrected Jace, and perhaps he ignored deliberately that it was a different situation or saw no difference. The thing is that I don’t think that someone took the time to explain to the younger shadowhunters that resurrection spells were not right. That there were consequences linked to them. You might think that that is something obvious, but, as I mentioned before, we don’t perceive the world in the same way (that’ll be boring anyway) and maybe there’s some kids that didn’t fully understand what happened. Let’s not forget that even Clary and Jace were very young when this happened. If people dying young is something normal, why wouldn't it be, for some of them, resurrecting people seen as something normal as well? 

Ty didn’t see the consequences. He only saw the opportunity to bring back the person that always had been to his side. It is true, as Kit said, that Ty had his family and him. But losing someone is never easy. It was not the first time that Ty had lost a relative but I think this time was more hurtful for him. And I understand with those who get mad about Livia because she did deserve rest. Don’t do all of them deserve it? But something that we some understand is that losing someone really close is not easy. Ty needed his family to be more aware of him after Livia passed away. But the one who was with him was Kit, who, afraid of losing Ty, couldn’t face Ty and talk with the truth before everything escalated so quickly. Lets not forget that they were 15 as well and that barely had adults around to watch their actions. And I can’t blame Julian either because he’s always been so careful of his family and has sacrificed his whole life for them. He also had his own problems and the spell that Magnus did on him to not to have his feelings for Emma didn’t help. Honestly, I think that this situation (as many others) was a product of all the older shadowhunters being neglected. 

This analysis is not to say that I think that Ty’s actions were correct. Because actually I don’t, but I understand the reasons behind them and I empathise with him. Ty, like many shadowhunters, lost more than is acceptable for a person. 

[mrymalmuhanadi]

The Fruit of 2023 :

-Not anti social, but socially awkward and selective.

- 90% of the time its not about you, realx and let it go.

-Stop interpreting, or assuming. Take things as they are, for who and what they are.

- sometimes its ok to stop, or take a pause.

- Sometimes your nature ( way of being ) is hindering your growth. I find it hard to fight for myself or defend myself and when i do its rare but it should not be.

- Islam is the end all be all. Faith is the only constant.

- Ignorance is bliss.

- Time is your friend.

- Stop and take responsibility of your own life.

- know when to be kind.

- Stop blaming other people for your own actions.

- Stop being entitled, you don’t deserve anything.

- trusting my instincts sometimes is a must.

- People come and go. Horrible people teach you life lessons.

- its okay to offend people sometimes.

- Its okay to be misunderstood not the end of the world. رضا الله غاية تدرك.

- People can know you, and still choose to hate you. No matter how good you are they’re still going to hate you.

- Don’t overly forgive and act like they’re not doing you dirty. Constantly trying to make themselves look good by making you look bad, is real envy.

- العلم نور.

- المشكله ممكن تكون نعمة وتهذيب.

- العمر رقم.

- الاستقلالية الفكريه والتغيير شيء لازم.

- Don’t try to adjust or persuade a thought that someone deems as a fact of you. There is no winning in a battle with hatred. It is what it is.

- The culture and language of a Society, may differ but people are people, the way they move and how they react is distinctly the same.

- If you have a platform, use it.

- Being literate can make you look like you’re evil, you can be ignorant and be good at expressing your thoughts.

- Your ignorance of how to deal with a situation, even if you are in the right, will get you to be overlooked and in the wrong.

- Ask for help.

- Subjectivity and immorality is an item.

- Having something doesn’t equate using it.

- Happiness is not conditional.

- Its normal to have different emotions, sadness, happiness, anger, etc. Express it.

- اعرض وتجاهل لنفسك، وكن طيبا لوجه الله.

- المريض يمرض.

-لاتنتظر شي و انطلق بالدنيا.

- Tolerance for ignorance in my opinion is the highest form of intelligence, also, seeing everyone’s perspective.

- to achieve ones goals without the need of praise is healthy.

- A healed mindset focuses on one’s life and less about others.

- working on yourself is mandatory.

- having flaws is the norm.

- not everyone wants you to be better or happier, especially at the cost of thier own self esteem.

- change change change.

- Don’t let anyone hold you accountable for reacting, when they can’t be accountable for a slap, a beating a punch then a spit.

- know when to use silence.

- Family is more than a last name that we share.

- knowing one’s biases, softens the way you react and act. It allows you to be more human.

- never bitter, never envious, never unpleasant. Keep your soul and heart protected.

- You have only acquired so little of knowledge, there is always more to learn.

- Rest with the knowledge that you have done the best you can, with the tools you had.

- Building good habits, having a clear routine and plans is important.

- No one cares.

- Your value is where you place it.

- السكوت ذكاء وليس انهزام.

- الرضا راحة بال وسعاده.

[boozedupbluberry]

Small introspection info dump!

Lately, I've been thinking to myself. The other night I had a small episode which lasted a few hours.

Its one where I know that it's not true but I myself can't assure it away. I had been speaking with my gf earlier that day and we were talking about how positive our relationship is. I understand that im sure im pretty a pretty good partner and I try to be, but sometimes when I sit and think I start to think I relise there is someone better than me. There may be things I could never fulfill in my partner.

Im pretty sure I started feeling this way when my partner said they were going out and doing something that sounded like it would be fun to do. But then I think I got a magor hit of FOMO(fear of losing out). This has happened to me a lot in the past just due to my own insecurities. I've never been super social and im not great at interacting, just due from my own experience. I have this thing where I think im super boring, that my life is boring, and that im losing out on core memories, instead trapped in my bed rotting with the bad ones. I often get trapped, like I can't get out of it. I imagine myself ten years in the future just as alone as I am now, just deprived of human interaction, just as socially inept, just as stupid as I am now. I get into spirals like this where I feel super upset like I could shut down, although to others I'm great at masking it.

My grandmother basically wanted to teach me how to mask. Doing lessons about it. Encouraging eye contact, smiling at strangers(that I do not know), and trying to make an effort to make people I don't like think I do. I relised when talking to her about it that my world view is just completely different than others, when I go around my friends I relise my life and worldview is completely different than others, that I dont even know what a normal relationship is supposed to feel like, and I wish and I yearn but no matter how hard I try I am inable to achieve such a goal. I relised its far more abnormal to have to pretend to be normal just to navigate through life, to pretend to enjoy people you hate, to smile and fake it to make it easier, and to hide who you really are from everybody else. To an extent everyone does this, you can't show who you fully are to everyone but to go out of your way to avoid it only feels distopian. I have gotten to a point where it only feels natural though. To mask my emotions, I can seem visible uncomfortable but even if you'd ask me ide tell you I'm fine. Its as if im not aloud to express negative emotion as I feel it will only be used against me in every context. Not in a way where i cant say no, but to where if its not yes or no, if it's deeper than that like if its emotional i just default to emediatly handling it myself. I dont even know how to tell people sometimes.

I feel like I will never be able to act "normal". I'm not social enough to naturally learn ques but learning them feels worse?

Anyway, whenever I think bout that to long, if I feel to alone, I will begin to spiral and I just don't know how to express it. So oddly I've noticed my brain takes care of itself. As in there are basically two people in my head. One that panics and one that comforts? Sometimes it is actual comfort but others its connecting myself with reality. They both feel separate from me, two voices talking to create one functioning person. One is detached and delusional. For example, a while back I was super upset and I began PRAYING TO PRINCESS LUNA (my little pony friendship is magic) for context I had just been kicked out of my school due to a pretty traumatic event and i deeply relate to princess luna and always have. I as sobbing and crying into a pillow for dear life and then a voice in my head goes "she's not real, she is from a fictional TV show. She is just as fake as any idolized God and she cannot help you with your struggles. You can handle everything that has happened just as you have in the pat. Everything will be ok".

I can't even control it either, it just happens and I let them talk. It feels like me but it doesn't. Although the only thing the logical voice in my head is bad with is trust. Its almost like an internal battle with myself when im comforting myself like I myself don't even believe it. But I'm saying what I know is true and will make me feel better. Everything is a constant painful internal battle i swear😭😭

Also, here is a work in progress:D

[siyasantlani111]

Emotional Regulation~

Hi guys I just want to write about this topic because it has personally helped me so much. Today I'm going to teach you guys to regulate your emotions because no one taught us that not even our parents and that's okay.

What is emotional regulation? Its knowing how to process your emotions.

There are two types of emotions we all face that is

A) Proportionate to reality

B) Disproportionate to reality ( triggered emotions)

So today I'm going to teach you guys on how to process your emotions muah.

A) Proportionate to reality

We all experience emotions on a regular basis however the proportionate to reality are the ones which are normal reactions and don't stem from trauma. I'm not invalidating any emotions here fyi.

1) Journalling~

So I know that if you're mad at someone or really sad you don't want to pick up your journal and jott it down, but honestly it's so good to do that even I used to be the person who would just throw like a tantrum at someone if they made me mad, and honestly it's good be expressive. However your level of expression matters. Sometimes you just can't throw a tantrum or punch them on the face (jk) so you can journal about it.

2)Blow a candle

Take a deep breath if you feel extremely anxious or nervous like you're blowing a candle . It helps me calm my nervous system down so much, because I'm literally an anxious attachment girlie. Recently I was talking to someone and I got really excited and couldn't sleep at night because I was so happy to welcome the other day I had to literally blow a candle haha. Taking deep breaths bore the living shits out of me but I love this one it helps so much, it worked like a game changer.

5)Sleep~

If you're too stressed or too anxious or anything which makes you feel frustrated or stressed, sleep. I was once really overwhelmed and my therapist told me to just sleep it off. And yeah it really helps sometimes all you need is a good beauty nap of 17 hours.

6)Dance it off

Dancing is my therapy i could just dance and dance and dance my emotions out like it's just such a beauty to feel emotions and dancing it off is an amazing expression.

7)Did I mention cry?

Whoever tells you you cry for sympathy let them, don't ever betray your self because someone can't acknowledge your pain. If you wanna cry you damn cry who cares literally? I'm trying to cultivate this into me too. I don't really like to cry outside. But if something really hurts me I'd now. But crying because you are scared people will judge you is like betraying yourself for them.

B) Disproportionate to reality

These are triggered responses which come from unhealed trauma. One of the best example is social anxiety or approch anxiety. If you're someone who feels like they have a lot of social anxiety you are experiencing a trauma trigger and that's really beautiful. Your triggers are your biggest maps on the journey of healing. We all as humans we naturally seek comfort and whenever we are triggered we want to avoid it. I used to do that too. But honestly triggered emotions are my favourite ones now I thank God everyday when I get to trigger myself you know why? Because finally my subconscious can let go the pain it has holded or unresolved emotional baggage for so long. And that is so beautiful. Whenever you get triggered you would want to resist it because your subconscious has resistance to it but don't resist it let yourself feel it, because when you feel it you heal it.duh.

1) Know your trigger

This is like knowing your shadow self, when you know what triggers you, you are gonna heal it and being triggered is not bad.

2) Trigger your self~

Do something which will trigger you externally and then dive into the way you feel, and if you are not getting emotional you're not triggered enough keep taking that external action. For example You have social anxiety do a social anxiety challenge but that doesn't mean you're healed nah you have to expose yourself to the social situation to a point you feel emotional about it.

3)Meditate/ Release ~

When you're triggered your ego will come up and will pull you back and will tell you don't do it, do it. I don't care how hard it is you know why? Because honestly your trauma will always hold you back from the goals you want. So do it, do something external which triggers you ask yourself how you feel and once you start getting emotional you're triggered now do a letting go meditation. There's a guy on you tube he has a specific channel for this his name is Julien himself. Love him.

Do his meditation he will help you heal

4) Get triggered again ~

Yeah keep getting triggered and keep doing the mediations until you have resolved it. That's it for the day. Muah. 💋

Keep slaying the house boots down💗💗💗

[tonispencerart]

Well, this is awkward...

I did it again. Sort of. I sort of forgot about Tumblr again. But I've also spent a massive chunk of December unwell. It started the way it always seems to lately: with an allergic reaction to e-cigarette vapour. If I could, I'd ban the blasted things. And it hit me twice this month. Under 'normal' circumstances, I'd have a bad reaction maybe once a year, if that. This past year, I've been ill several times. And, like I said, twice this month alone. I don't really understand why but my guess would be because the damned things are heckin' everywhere. It's definitely a hard thing to avoid now - harder than it used to be even within the past five years or so. Anyway, both times this month the reaction has been so bad that my immune system has basically screamed "I QUIT!" and I've ended up with a gnarly chest infection on top of really, really bad hay fever symptoms. And this one that I'm currently trying to fight off right now is probably the worst one I can remember. It sucks. I'm sore everywhere, I can't sleep, I cannot get comfortable, even when I'm awake, and it just isn't shifting. It's like it's hit a point now where it's just happily coasting along and doing whatever it's doing and I'm just feeling rubbish all the time. I can see me having to drag my backside to the doctor on Monday morning. And because I've been feeling so unwell, I haven't really done much of anything creative at all this month, even though I've absolutely tried. I even had to pull out of the Christmas Burlesque show two days before the show because I was in pain and f**king miserable. I had a really good act that I really enjoyed putting together. With Christmas speeding into view and a new year close behind it, I guess what I want to do/say/think/whatever is my intention to be even more creative and expressive with my art practice in the coming year. 2024 has been good, and I've had some great ideas I've really enjoyed exploring, but there have obviously been several setbacks with my health (physical, mental, and emotional), too. I'm a huge believer in not doing just one thing with my art practice. I consider myself a multi-disciplined artist (painter/printmaker/actor/writer/performer... and at one time, many years ago, a musician). I think 'niching down' is to invite a kind of death with any art practice. Doing just one kind of art? That has never appealed to me. I'd be bored within a month or less for one thing! I kind of like the idea of having a finger in as many 'pies' as possible, just to keep things interesting. In 2025, I would like to organise my first solo art exhibition, too. I'd wanted that this year but it all went wrong, I guess. Sometimes things just aren't meant to be in that moment. I have to learn to be OK with that. I have so many ideas, too. I will also have to learn how to focus on an idea and develop my ideas properly instead of doing five things at once! Also, speaking it out into the universe in the hopes that I can actually make it into something real this time, I'd like to actually start teaching community art and get more people exploring their creative, artist selves. The world needs more artists.

[fedyasolnishka]

I've been spending quite the time here, today I even had a dream where I opened tumblr to check your blog 😞

Well, hello again! I was once more picturing dad!fyodor and his ways towards his daughter when she's still a child. Since Fyodor appeared for the first time, he has been portrayed as this archetype of unruffled villain, who still tends to lose his mind easily if maddened correctly, but seems to keep his outerly calm pretty well.

He'd mold his daughter's mind, leading her to a path were she might believe that all their slightly romantic behaviors is completely acceptable in a worldwide view. I've said it before, allow me to repeat myself: teaching her that kissing and pecking her father's lips would be the first tatic of his—maybe even the main one, given how acceptable it might be masked as.

As she grows up, she'll notice that her father's touches, as much as happening only when there's consent, are still too intimate compared to how her friends' dads treat them. What if she confronts Fyodor…? He might just play the soft dad hole—which is completely heartfelt—and reassure her that it's all a result of how big her dad's love is. In case she's stubborn about it—what I doubt, she was raised by Fyodor after all—, then I will imagine him giving her the same stare he gave to atsushi 😞

(i wanna rant about how fedya noticed that he was in love with his daughter. Did it happen when she was still too young? Did he have to break his morals or he was already alright with going forward with his feelings? I want his daughter to reciprocate,,,)

—❤️‍🩹

Woahh I'm glad that someone likes my blog that much 🤍

Yess you're right!! Molding his daughter to believe that his eerie romantic behaviors are okay are one of my fav scenarios too! It's started from some kiss and then to something more "sexual" step by step and he'll convince her that it's fine bc he loves her so much 🐥

That's why he'll try to isolate/limiting her from her friends bc of them, his daughter started to realize his behavior aren't normal at all.

I don't think she'll truly confront him abt it bc she's raised by Fyodor which means she needs to be obedient to him and accepts what he gives/does to her Like a good daughter(wife) she is :) if she confronts him I agree dad!Fyodor will give her the same stare he gives to Atsushi BUT the key difference is that there's still tenderness or love in his eyes/expression that tells her "pls don't make me angry, I don't want To be cruel to you, I love you"

To me, I like to think he's in love with her when she was an early teen but doesn't realize it yet bc he's not really aware of his emotions. Years later, he's finally aware of his feelings but he's confused and somehow guilty abt it but then he remembered that he's been inappropriate with her since she was very young so he decided to goes forward with his feelings.

Ofc his daughter reciprocate his love that's how she's been raised all this time. It's not like she has someone else to love besides her father. He's her everything and the only one that she has in this cruel world 🫶🏻

[traumadumpcentral]

cringe

my first ever attempt at talking to or healing my inner child. i've never done it before but my therapist asked me to try. the very earliest memories i can ever remember are negative. honestly my entire life up until age like 16 is one big blur and the gaps are filled by people telling me what happened, mixed with small little memories that sometimes i dont even know if they were real or my brain just made them up. there are some i know for a fact are true. i remember my dad drinking a lot, and screaming and making these awful scary faces that i was forced to look at. i wasnt allowed to look away and even though now he's one of my biggest supports in life, i will never be able to get his face out of my head. it still scares me at 27. he would yell at everybody. he would hit my brothers and it would scare me. any time i saw physical violence i froze and it felt like my heart stopped and i wanted to cry and help but i just stood there. i shouldnt know what that feels like at such a young age. i shouldnt have known true terror and fear as a child. i should have just been happy and hung out with my friends and had good parents and a loving home. i didnt deserve the way anybody treated me. constantly yelled at and terrified and any attempt to speak up or defend myself or call for help was squashed and made it worse. at a certain point all i could do was just go blank and disassociate and just wait for it to be over. dont say anything, dont change your expression, just sit and wait for it to be over and then in 2 hours everyone will pretend nothing happened and then itll happen again maybe tomorrow, or on thursday, or a week from then if i was lucky. it seemed like a daily occurrence. and then i heard new noises that still sounded angry but different coming from my parents room. even without having any clue what was happening, my gut twisted and i knew it was something i shouldnt be hearing, but curiosity put my ear to the door. and then i grew boobs early and started my period early and hung out with people i shouldnt and found myself in houses i shouldnt be in with people i dont know. nobody should have let me in those situations. my parents should have paid more attention. they should have stopped screaming and fucking for 5 goddamn minutes and paid attention to their children. i shouldnt have had unrestricted access to the internet as a child. i knew porn categories before i was wearing bras. thats not normal and i would be horrified if that was my child. i would feel like i failed the ultimate failure. nobody paid attention to me and it was bittersweet. if nobody pays attention to me then nobody yells at me and puts me down. but then you start a life full of uncertainty and loneliness, and now that you know what sex is you know a way you can get somebody to be nice to you for a minute. i tried self harm but it hurt too much so that wasn't my outlet. i dont know if i ever found my outlet. i think my life was nothing but fear and anxiety until i met my ex and started smoking weed because of course i fell down that rabbit hole. my teen years were filled with stealing money for cigarettes and weed and being around toxic people that were no good for me. what happened to the little girl that was so naive and tried to cling to any innocence left? i didnt have a good motherly figure to teach me how to be a woman, or a girl. all i grew up being taught was to hide away and listen to others blindly. all i knew was to people please and it ended up manifesting in repressing any emotions or rage or anger, any spirit to fight back and set boundaries and express my emotions, and instead i hid behind this stupid wall of being as nice as i could possibly be to everyone, because no one was ever nice to me and i hated how it felt and i never wanted anyone else to feel the same way i've felt all my life. i didn't deserve any of this. it's not fair that other poeple got stable homes with loving parents and i was just weird and quiet and abused and sexualized and taken advantage of. i was just a little girl and i was abandoned.

[casspurrjoybell-22]

The Art of Sin - Chapter 8 - Part 2

•Ire Byakko (Kitsune)

*Warning Adult Content*

"It's called love."

I looked into Lord Nikoli's eyes, which were washed in the same warm and joyous emotion as the rest.

Somehow I knew he wasn't trying to trick me, to lie to me.

He was just stating a fact.

The idea that I was feeling love was so  foreign.

I'd thought I had felt it before but this wasn't anything like that.

This was warm and happy not heavy and anxious.

Had I never felt love before?

Real love?

It didn't matter.

The realization calmed me.

I had love now, at this moment and I felt happy.

I smiled up at lord Nikoli, a true smile without any reservations.

"Was this what you were trying to teach me?"

"In a way, yes. Though I didn't intend for it to happen this way."

He reached up, caressing my cheek.

"I am truly sorry that that happened to you."

I shook my head, smile still in place.

"It's not your fault. I should have handled it better though."

"No. That dirty scum-bag deserved what he got," Ire interrupted, eyes suddenly ablaze.

"I only wish I could've been the one to do it."

Bain chuckled darkly.

"Yeah, it'd be fun to have a new play-mate. I'd introduce all my toys to him."

I looked at Bain, surprised and slightly disturbed by his sudden dark turn.

I suppose you shouldn't judge a book by its cover.

I did wonder what 'toys' he was referring to.

"Hmm, don't know if you're ready to open that door," Lord Nikoli said under his breath.

After that, dinner went on as normal.

I was actually able to enjoy myself.

For the first time, worry wasn't constantly in the back of my mind.

I went to bed happy, content with the outcome.

I was even slightly grateful that that man had tried to do something.

Without him, I wouldn't have figured out my feelings.

********

I woke up hot.

Sweat poured off my body as I wound myself in the sheets, gasping for air.

I couldn't think.

My mind, my body, screaming in need even though I couldn't utter a sound.

I stumbled out of bed and into the hallway.

I didn't know where I was going or what I needed, only that I had to go.

Time blurred as I made my way through the house, using the wall as a support.

I couldn't see very well, not noticing the figure until I was falling back.

Strong arms wrapped around me, stopping my fall.

I blinked, looking up to see Bain, a panicked expression on his face.

"Fuck, Winter are you okay? What wrong with...?" he couldn't finish, suddenly finding me on top of him, my lips silencing him.

I ground against him, drawing out a moan from both of us.

Our tongues rubbed together, exploring each other's mouth.

I broke away, my hand reaching for his pants and pulling them down.

His cock twitched under my stare.

I looked to Bain as I took him in my hand, slowly stroking him.

His gaze was pinned to my hand, mouth parted slightly as he panted.

"I want you Bain."

I felt him harden at my words, egging my movements to quicken.

Before he could say anything, my head dipped, my tongue slipping out to run down his length.

I felt him shudder as I sucked his sack, my hand replacing my mouth for the moment.

His hand tangled in my hair, jerking me up.

Bain gazed at me hungrily before shoving his cock between my lips.

I quickly relaxed, making sure to breathe through my nose as he pulled me down to the hilt.

"Fuck yes," his reaction caused me to moan, the vibrations making him grow harder.

I felt him tense, not moving away as he came, swallowing all his hot semen and lapping up what spilled over.

Suddenly I was up, my legs automatically locking around his waist as I got carried down the hallway.

I didn't know where he was taking me, too busy tasting him.

I wined as he through me on a bed but it was short.

He followed right after me, taking charge as he pulled out a sash, tying my hand to the bed.

A cry of both pleasure and pain escaped from between my lips as Bain bit into my neck.

It wasn't enough to break the skin but it'd definitely leave a mark.

I arched my back when he lapped at the mark, moaning as he soothed the skin.

I felt his lips curl into a smirk as he trailed kisses along my collarbone, making his way ever so slowly to my nipple.

His tongue teased my erect nipple, moving to the other after giving it a pinch.

I cried out as he suddenly put clamps on them, pulling at the chain that connected them.

He looked at me with mischief and lust.

"I bet you'd like to feel my mouth on your cock?"

I nodded quickly, sucking in a breath as I watched him move down with hooded eyes, the anticipation making me become hotter.

He pulled down my boxers, exposing my throbbing cock, growing harder the longer he looked at it.

Slowly, his mouth moved towards my tip.

He stopped a breath away, meeting my eyes.

"What do you say?"

"Please," I whispered, my voice low with lust.

"Please what...?"

I growled at his game.

"Please take my cock in your mouth. Please make me cum, Bain," I cried as he immediately did as I said.

My back arched as his tongue slid on my member, coating it in saliva.

His tongue flicked my tip, making me moan.

"F-fuck..."

His head bobbed as he deepthroated me.

Faster and faster he went, drawing out cries each time I hit the back of his throat.

When he pulled at the clamps, it was too much.

I pulled at my restraints as I came.

Bain moved away as cum shot out of my cock, splattering my abdomen, leaving my body a trembling mess.

My sight darkened and my mind became a fog, not able to process what happened.

Something damp rubbed against my body.

I felt my hands become free as someone spoke.

"Sleep well, Winter..."

I tried to respond, my mouth opening but no sound came out.

I didn't think much of it, sighing as I sunk into the blackness.

[adamsvanrhijn]

i might read John's showing up in Newport thing as a tiny bit less indicative of being Weird than you do... to me it seems sort of like, the sort of Grand Gesture impulsive thing you might do out of total desperation, especially if you consider they've been together a long time, John has been kind of repressing and hiding all his actual emotions about the situation so when he expresses them they come out in big bursts. Also, as far as we know, we never see him get input from anyone else about his relationship like friends etc so maybe its the sort of thing that makes sense in his head and its not like. Actually maybe this is not so good of an idea until he's already gone and done it

Thank you for the ask!! Love 2 read thoughts on this. And I see now after drafting this that you sent follow up ones too but i will go ahead publish this one first

I think my thoughts on that are. The Newport behavior makes sense as something to Think about doing... Many people think about things like that regardless of brainweirds. Winning an argument in the shower etc etc.

But actually doing it... especially when there are SO many steps to doing it. that is bonkers behavior. It isn't like, inherently mentally ill, like is that behavior someone without brainweirds would do—Almost certainly so. sometimes people do ridiculous things. Fully believe there are guys who do that kind of thing and would not get diagnosed with Weird.

But. and this is most important to my brainweirds headcanon. it is not something that seemed to line up with the rest of John's behavior. It came totally out of left field for viewers, everyone went nuts. Blog reviewers that commented on the plotline universally were like "this is deranged and came out of nowhere, what a guy". logistically it is just. ridiculous amount of effort to go to for a guy who is giving introverted and going with the flow in most of his screentime. like he absolutely snapped, he had been holding back and communicating extremely poorly and making assumptions that he could ignore it and it would blow over etc, but the Way that he snapped...

I think a normal person would leave it at the restaurant. well truly I think a normal person would not have gone there during the restaurant but everyone has times where emotions run high! but i think it would have been left there and then he would have had a whole argument in private when oscar got home...

instead he goes completely absolutely out of his way specifically to draw attention to how wonderful and fine his life could be without acknowledging oscar in it at all and that he can make himself more desirable than oscar and harm oscar's plans... there are So many things he could have been trying to demonstrate but all of them ultimately, I think, are intentionally to fuck with or hurt oscar or at least to Teach Him A Lesson...

oscar, someone he otherwise seems to be quite ride or die for and is extremely in love with and is i think trying to serve that With whatever bananas sentiment he is directly trying to express with his newport behavior. Like he cares deeply about oscar but is still taking ridiculous steps to get the upper hand.

That is the part that doesn't make much sense in the context of his previous & upcoming behavior and most of his s2 behavior as well, and makes more sense when you decide you want him to have brainweirds! imho.

because like I think the key thing to keep in mind when looking at My thoughts etc on my tumblr dot com blog is that I am reading John Adams as brainweird because I want to. And I want to because, a, it is historically fun, that family was chock full of brainweirds, but also because, b, I myself am brainweird. But i do think it enhances the text and is supported by his actions !!

Also something I think is Very interesting is that when I polled, most people seemed to think that John would Not feel anything resembling regret or embarrassment etc about his actions in Newport... which was not at All the lens I myself was looking through because of my own experiences. like when my brain makes me do crazy shit it is like. Absolutely cringe and bananas after it's over and i want to forget it ever happened. and in 1.09 when john is so sullen and pouty when Oscar teases him about flirting with gladys...

he's giving 1880s bipolar disorder. to me <3

[mshalfemptygirl]

Protective (S.R)

Plot: Spencer is very jealous after prison and this can be bad for his relationship with Reader.

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

Contents: against and fuffy, just a couple with problems but i love it

Request: meu cenário fav é post prison spencer sendo suuper over protective com a reader 😿💞 e tipo uma vez eles vão sair e tem um cara enchendo o saco dela e ele ficaria TAO PUTO ao ponto de quase prender o cara 

A/N: Thank you so much for you guys liked my fics. I’ll let the link for Spencer Reid Masterlist in the end. Love y’all. Requests are open! Hope you like it!

It was the first time Spencer had been out in public since his release from prison. After months of suffering and struggling to prove his innocence, he was finally free. I still remember those endless nights I spent crying, feeling utterly helpless because I couldn’t be with him. It felt like living in a never-ending nightmare. But now he was back in our apartment. His belongings were in their usual places, and his life seemed to be getting back to normal. However, he had changed.

I hoped that taking him to our favorite coffee shop, the same place where we had our first date, might help him feel a little better. We ordered our usual coffees and some cookies. I tried to keep him engaged by talking about my job teaching kids. I told him about a student of mine who has a passion for every type of fruit. She’s an incredibly sweet little girl, full of energy and excitement whenever we talk about colours in class. Her genuine enthusiasm is infectious, and the way her eyes light up when she talks about colours always brings a smile to my face. It’s moments like these that make teaching so rewarding.

Spencer listened, but he seemed disinterested, barely making an effort to engage. “Y/N, that sounds interesting,” he said, his voice lacking enthusiasm. “Excuse me, I need to use the restroom.” With a brief, polite smile that didn’t reach his eyes, he stood up and walked away. His detachment was hurtful. Despite my efforts to connect and share something that mattered to me, he appeared indifferent and uninterested in reconnecting with his old life. I sat there, feeling the sting of his disconnection, and tears began to well up. I forced myself to look out the window at the park across the street, trying to hold back my emotions and stay composed.

I noticed a man sitting nearby and quickly turned to see if it was Spencer returning. It wasn’t. The stranger, seeing that I was upset, approached with genuine concern. “Hey, are you okay? Why are you crying? Did that guy do something to upset you?” he asked, his voice full of empathy. I found it strange that a random person seemed more caring in this difficult moment than my own boyfriend. I answered politely, not wanting to alarm him. “No, no! He didn’t do anything. We’re just going through a tough time,” I said, feeling a pang of sadness and hopelessness.

“It’s okay, sweetheart. I’ll be right here if you need anything,” he said, his voice soothing as he gently touched my hand. His kindness was a stark contrast to the distance I felt from Spencer. I was so engrossed in this stranger’s unexpected attention that I didn’t notice Spencer coming back. When I finally looked up, I saw him standing behind the stranger with an expression of fierce anger on his face. My heart raced as I quickly pulled my hand away from the stranger’s, feeling a wave of anxiety. Spencer’s presence was unmistakable, and his anger was palpable.

“What a lovely couple!” Spencer’s voice sliced through the air, dripping with venom. “Care to explain what the hell is going on here? Did you find someone else while I was away? What a fucking whore.” His words were a harsh, stinging blow, and I was stunned into silence. Spencer’s rage was unlike anything I’d ever seen from him. The man I loved seemed to have completely disappeared, replaced by a furious, unrecognizable stranger. His face was contorted with anger, his eyes blazing with intensity. It was as if the gentle, caring person I knew had been overtaken by a dark, volatile force.

“Honey, it’s not like that. He just came over to see if I was okay. I don’t even know him,” I said, my voice trembling with desperation. Spencer’s harsh laugh echoed through the café, drawing the attention of everyone around us. “Of course she’s okay. More than okay,” Spencer said with a mocking edge. “She’s with me. She’s my girlfriend, you see? So, if you didn’t get the memo, I could have you arrested for harassment. She belongs to me, so you’d better leave before things get ugly.” The young man stood up, casting me a sympathetic glance before quickly leaving.

“Fuck you, Reid! Go to hell,” I said, my voice shaking with a mix of anger and sorrow. I stood up and headed back to our apartment, feeling overwhelmed by rage and disappointment. It felt as if the person I loved most had descended into a dark place, consumed by anger and rudeness, leaving me deeply heartbroken.

Back in my bedroom, I wrapped myself in a soft white blanket and settled into my bed, clutching a tub of Ben & Jerry’s Mint Chocolate Cookie ice cream. The comforting chill of the ice cream contrasted with the emotional turmoil I felt as I watched The Fault in Our Stars. I envied the deep, unwavering love between the characters, yearning for something similar with Spencer.

The sound of footsteps approaching the door interrupted my thoughts, followed by a soft knock. I paused the movie, wiped my tears with the back of my hand, and said, “I don’t want to talk, Spencer.” Despite my resolve to stay away, he pleaded, “Baby, please, can we talk?” With a heavy sigh, I reluctantly replied, “Come in.”

Spencer entered, his face etched with distress and fatigue, as if he had been crying. He sank onto the edge of the bed, his posture tense. I looked at him closely, noticing the deep lines of worry on his face. “Y/N, I’m really sorry,” he began, his voice cracking with emotion. “I’ve been a jerk,” he said, his voice heavy with regret. “I don’t want anyone near you because you’re mine. It’s not about possession; it’s just that, in prison, I saw how they treated women and heard terrible things about what they might do to you. I’m trying to protect you, but I know that doesn’t excuse my behavior. I’ve been awful these past few weeks, and I’m really sorry. You know I love you,” he said, his voice tinged with deep remorse.

As he spoke, my face fell with sadness and pain. I decided to open my heart to him and confront the situation we were facing. “Spencer, today has been incredibly hard for me,” I said, struggling to hold back the tears that were welling up. “I’m sorry for what happened, but I tried to talk to you, and you seemed uninterested. Then, you yelled at that man who was just checking if I was okay. Calling me names was devastating. You need help—please, go to therapy or talk to someone. I love you, but I can’t keep living like this. I want to be with you, but you’re making it so difficult.”

Spencer’s face flushed with shame as my words sank in. He looked down, unable to meet my eyes, his guilt almost palpable. After a moment of heavy silence, he reached out, gently taking my hand in his. His grip was tender but firm, as if he was afraid to lose that connection. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered, his voice thick with emotion. “I never meant to hurt you like this. Please, let me make it right. I don’t want to lose you.” His thumb brushed over the back of my hand, a small gesture that spoke of his desperation to bridge the gap between us.

“Spencer, I love you and want to marry you,” I whispered, wrapping my arms around him. “But we can’t move forward unless you’re willing to change. Let go of the jealousy, and please seek help to deal with everything that’s happened.” I pulled back slightly to look into his eyes. “If you give us this chance, I’ll be by your side every step of the way. Can we make this work together?”

He moved closer, gently threading his fingers through my hair. “I promise, love. I want to make your plan happen. I’m truly sorry. I love you,” he murmured, his voice tender. I leaned in, kissing him softly, our tears mingling as I wrapped my arms around him in a tight embrace. In that moment, I held on to the hope that, despite everything, our love could find a way through the darkness.

 Tell me what you think/ request

Spencer Reid Masterlist

TAG (let me know if you want me to tag you)

@playspretends @thebloomingeagle

[ghostlyschizophrenic]

Why being forced to hide psychotic symptoms is detrimental to recovery:

Hi! it’s your friendly neighborhood schizoaffective and i have a story to tell, a story that’s backed by research.

my psychotic symptoms were early onset. my earliest memory of psychotic symptoms was 6 years old, when my parents were changing the locks on the house and i had an intense belief that changing them would mean someone had broken into our house and hadn’t left. i believed my toys had human emotions and felt sad if i played with another toy, so i refused to buy new toys because i was so scared of making my toys sad.

i had a very flattened emotional response (which i would later learn is a symptom of schizophrenia), and in kindergarten and first grade when we learned about emotions, i learned to fake the look of emotional response. i learned how to put a smile on my face when i felt happy and to put a frown on my face when i felt sad. when i was alone, i would practice, but some days i was too tired to do it and i kept my face in the natural way: flat. it wasn’t that i wasn’t feeling emotions, i just couldn’t express them the way people wanted me to

during my elementary school years, i made up words constantly to communicate. i couldn’t form proper sentences, something was blocked in my brain and everything felt scattered and scrambled (disorganized thoughts and speech). my teachers broke that habit in me, not by helping me learn to organize my thoughts, but by teaching me not to speak unless i knew exactly what i was trying to say.

then came middle school and i started hallucinating and my delusions got worse. but everything i had learned from teachers and tv was that hallucinations are scary to people, and i didn’t want to be scary. i would be laughed at if i told anyone about my strong beliefs (delusions) so i didn’t tell anyone. i didn’t tell anyone that i believed that the characters in my tv show were real and the government was hiding their existence and if they knew that i knew they’re real, they’d put me on a watch list. i didn’t tell anyone i was hearing sounds that came straight out of a horror movie. i hid that.

i hid it so well that i avoided treatment. i had an acute psychotic episode, and all i said was that i was having panic attacks. i didn’t tell anyone about the delusion that school was going to literally kill me, or that i heard blood curdling screams in the hallways and when i was trying to sleep at night. i avoided early intervention.

for other reasons that i won’t get into, i was put on seroquel as a mood stabilizer, but as many of you know, it’s also an antipsychotic. this was the first time in my life i felt some kind of relief from my symptoms. i didn’t connect the dots because my psychiatrist called it a mood stabilizer, not an antipsychotic, so i didn’t know why i was feeling better in those areas.

it wasn’t until 10th grade when i was taking a psychology class from a teacher i trusted that i connected the dots. by this time i knew i had psychosis. i had access to the internet and i had googled what was wrong with me, but it wasn’t until a class where he emphasized getting help that i thought ok, now i should bring it up.

by this point, i had had 2 more acute psychotic episodes that kept me out of school, but because i was taught to hide everything, i still didn’t tell anyone the real reason why i couldn’t function. “paralyzing panic attacks” became code for “whatever the real reason is that’s keeping him out of school”. but my teacher made me think i needed help, especially because we were learning about schizophrenia in class and i had a sneaking suspicion that i, someone with a family history of schizophrenia, had it.

i brought it up to my doctors and i was started on antipsychotics, this time with the official name of antipsychotics. but it was a bit too late. my psychiatrist told me that if we had caught it earlier, i may have reacted to treatment better.

i’ve been in treatment for years and the longest i’ve gone without an acute psychotic episode is 5 months. i’ve done my research and in patients with psychosis, the first few months after psychotic symptoms are present are vital to the treatment and recovery of the patient.

it’s not just, oh you won’t suffer as long, it’s literally you will have a better chance at recovery. if you catch psychosis in the prodromal stage, it can greatly reduce the chances of another psychotic episode happening.

by being taught to hide my illness from a young age, i lost the chance at having an easier recovery. yes i learned to confine myself to societal expectations and appear “normal”, but i caused myself more pain in the long run.

early intervention is key to an easier recovery, and i’m going to leave a few links to show you what i mean.

ted talk about early psychotic intervention

psychosis prodromal phase

talking with a psychiatrist about early psychosis intervention

early intervention of psychosis

benefits of early intervention

[newronantic]

HAIKYUU!! FICS

so this is mostly gonna be for myself to keep track of my favorite fics i’ve read, but hey if anyone else wants to check some of these out then thats great

MHA one is up!!

ill keep updating this as i read more, feel free to send me suggestions!

KageHina

plain as day - emleewrites

In which Hinata has spent the better part of the last twenty years putting his heart and soul into volleyball, hoping to be recognised, to be noticed. And yet he spends all these years also thinking of himself as rather plain, beyond his lack of height and bright hair, and not really noticeable at all.

In Transit - Mysecretfanmoments

Hinata finds that he likes standing close to Kageyama on buses and trains. It doesn't mean anything--probably. Maybe.

I like the way your clothes smell - Mysecretfanmoments

Power outages, ghost stories, and the presence of a certain orange-haired boy lead to bad decision-making on Tobio's part. He'd planned to keep his crush a secret; the universe has other plans.

Chaotic Neutral - akaraka

Who's this Kageyama person on twitter and is he gay?

1: Anonymous: see title

2: Anonymous: curry king

3: Anonymous >> 1: It's the curry king, obviously. Have you been using his memes this whole time without knowing who he was?

4: Anonymous: 1) Hinata Shouyou's boyfriend 2) See above

jellyfish - mysterytwin

At the beginning of his last year at Karasuno High School, Hinata Shouyou starts a list and calls it THINGS TO DO BEFORE GRADUATION, all with high hopes that he’ll be able to complete it before his time runs out.

TsukkiYama

Try This On For Size - CloudMonsta

A lot changed for Yamaguchi Tadashi over the course of high school. He started trying on dresses, for one.

The Great Yamaguchi-Tsukishima Split (Capitalization Necessary) - WyYeuw

"But no, the current situation isn’t normal. This situation requires the full attention of the team.

No, what’s really concerning this time around, is that Yamaguchi is the one ignoring Tsukishima.”

Yamaguchi confesses. Tsukishima fucks up—like, really fucks up. The volleyball club notices and loses a week’s worth of practice.

IwaOi

Terrarium - sausaged

He's practically a professional at being proactive (lies, lies, and lies when it comes to Iwaizumi).

At this point, is he really happy with just staying best friends forever? Will he be writing journals and collecting rocks forever (he will, he knows, but that is aside from the point)?

Can he really tag his Instagram photos with #YOLO if he doesn't actually put that phrase into practice?

A story about Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime, plants, and rocks.

They Say it Rain Diamonds on Jupiter - exsao

"You're in love with him."

Hajime considers denying it. He considers deliberately choking on his drink to express surprise, to create a distraction by spitting onto the man in front of him's pristine white shirt and causing a commotion. Instead, he swallows his mouthful of soda and heaves a small sigh once his mouth is free.

"Yeah," he says instead.

He's never been good at lying, anyway.

bait and switch - Stylographic_Blue_Rhapsody

Oikawa's university volleyball team knows he's in a long-distance relationship with someone from high school. They imagine a sweet-faced girl that matches his sarcasm with patience. They are so incredibly wrong.

my heart is where it’s always been - foreverautumn

Iwaizumi places his phone down carefully.

Oikawa. Pining after someone. There’s no way.

(Iwaizumi knows he shouldn’t care who Oikawa might have feelings for, but within the span of three days, it’s somehow the only thing he can think about.)

KuroKen

Beautiful People Will Ruin Your Life - todxrxki

Kuroo Tetsurou runs a private Twitter account where he's constantly tweeting about how desperately in love he is with Kozume Kenma. Little does he know that Kenma sees all the tweets and keeps referencing the account in an attempt to get Kuroo to confess to him. / Or, five times Kuroo didn't notice Kenma hinting about his private Twitter account, and one time he finally did.

the things that get caught in the valves of his heart - ghostpot

Emotional competency is not exactly Kuroo's strong suit. Kenma finds it quite amusing.

Accidentally In Love - todxrxki

Kuroo frowns, but then slowly, the corners of his mouth lift up into a smirk. "Well, if it's so unbelievable, why don't we give it a try?"

Kenma glances up at him curiously. "What do you mean?"

"Let's do the 36 questions to fall in love," Kuroo says, still smirking stupidly. "If we don't fall in love, then you're right, it's bullshit. But if we do somehow..." Kuroo waggles his eyebrows. "Then I win." / Kuroo decides he and Kenma should do the 36 questions to fall in love as a joke, but they both start to realize they might actually be in love already.

the galaxy is endless (i thought we were, too) - cosmogony

TW: major character death

Kuroken AU where the last words your soulmate will say to you appear on your skin when you turn 16, and how Kenma and Kuroo learn what this means over the course of their lives

even if you’re ahead for a bit, i will catch up - ghostpot

Kuroo first confesses when they're sticky-fingered, wide-eyed kids, and subsequently every day after that. Kenma takes a while to come around.

you’re the brake lines failing (as my car swerves off the freeway) - ghostpot

Kenma thinks that Kuroo looks ugly with his head bent against the arm of the couch like that. Then Kenma thinks that he wants to marry him, and is promptly thrown into the 5 stages of grief.

teach me the way home - icespyders

“Don’t go far off, not even for a day, because —

because — I don’t know how to say it: a day is long

and I will be waiting for you, as in an empty station

when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep.”

Kuroo and Kenma grow up in transit.

in this universe - crossbelladonna

Living with Kuroo is sometimes, just like this. It always feels surreal like he's living half a world and a lot of things rush by too quickly. Kenma feels like he'd watched him come and go in a blink, eyes wide and wordless as the shared space went snug in an instant and far larger in the next.

All this, and a glass of water.

Beginning’s End - todxrxki

Somehow over the course of Kenma's lifetime, he’s never really had an opportunity to miss Kuroo. He’s always been there. Even when they went to different schools, Kuroo would meet him afterwards so they could walk home together, shoulders brushing, Kuroo occasionally taking the opportunity to guide him when his nose was buried in the newest video game. The thought of Kuroo not being there anymore is uncomfortable, to say the least. / Kozume Kenma's third year and the changes the year brings in himself and his relationship with Kuroo Tetsurou.

All I Want for Christmas is You - todxrxki

“Kuro,” he says. “You’re a single guy.”

“Yeah, great, thanks for pointing that out.”

“And my parents already know you, plus they already know you like guys or whatever so… what if you pretended to be my date for Christmas dinner?” / In which Kenma recruits his housemate and best friend Kuroo to be his fake date for Christmas.

BokuAka

just to miss the sun - rosevtea

Everything begins to implode when MSBY Jackals outside hitter Bokuto Koutarou crashes Akaashi's livestream.

Operation BokuAka - kazzydolyn

After spending two whole years watching Bokuto and Akaashi pine for one another, the rest of the Fukuroudani Volleyball Club has had enough. When everyone meets up for a reunion dinner, the team decides to play matchmaker and finally get the two of them together. Unfortunately, their plan starts to fall apart when they discover that Akaashi is already dating someone. And apparently so is Bokuto. What a strange coincidence.

bitter - silvercistern

He accepted his classmate's chocolates gracefully, then declared his lack of interest with as much dignity as he could muster. She deserved the courtesy. At least she'd acknowledged that Valentine's Day was all about her, and not about him in the slightest.

Because if any of these girls had taken the time to actually get to know him, they’d quickly realize something even more important than his lack of interest in girls.

And that was that Akaashi hated sweets.

In Another Life - LittleLuxray

TW: major character death

Sleeping didn't come as easy as it used to. Bokuto knew this, and now Akaashi did, too.

The hospital AU that no body asked for, but that I took upon myself to write.

120% yes - pissedofsandwich

TOKYO FRANCHISE COMING SOON @OnigiriMiya

in reply to @bokkun_official 

Congratulations! In celebration of your historic engagement, please DM us so we can send you a free membership code with a 25% discount on every fourth purchase!

Kissing Ace - karasunovolleygays

It happens right after training camp.

Akaashi Keiji has a secret he has guarded since he was a child. He won’t go so far as to call it a fear, but more of an aspect of himself of which he is horribly mortified. No one on the team knows about it, and Akaashi does his best to keep it that way.

But years of dodging hugs and casual contact come to naught in the blink of an eye and the swipe of a hand.

daisy rings and frivolous things (i am deliriously in love with you) - gabstar

Akaashi Keiji is in love. Bokuto Koutarou is a star. Everyone on Fukurodani has a gambling problem.

SakuAtsu

The MSBY Black Jackals Read Thirst Tweets - isaksara (syailendra)

Sakusa’s eyes are very dark naturally, sucking in all surrounding rays of light and crushing them in his pupils. For an athlete, he is rather pale. His lips look very pink in comparison. Atsumu is suddenly catastrophically aware that in this instance, ‘accent’ is a euphemism. “Good enough for your Olympic-size ego, Miya?”

(In which Atsumu realizes that he is attracted to Sakusa Kiyoomi in the most inconvenient way possible.)

A Liar’s Truth - internetpistol

In which Sakusa Kiyoomi is raised to believe that gay people go to hell but then takes one look at Miya Atsumu and thinks, then why the hell did God make them so fucking hot?

[zuko-always-lies]

How does Iroh talk about Ozai vs How does Iroh talk about Azula

Iroh only discusses his brother and his niece a few times in the series, yet I believe we can detect patterns which reveal how he feels about them. Much more under the cut.

How Iroh talks about Ozai:

“Avatar Roku”:

Zuko: I have no choice, Uncle. Iroh (angrily): Have you completely forgotten that the Fire Lord banished you?!?!? (With a look of anguish and worry) What if you're caught? Zuko (turning around from the spy glass): I'm chasing the Avatar. My father will understand why I'm returning home. Iroh: You give him too much credit. My brother is not the understanding type.

“The Storm”:

Iroh: After Zuko's outburst in the meeting, the Fire Lord became very angry with him. He said that Prince Zuko's challenge of the general was an act of complete disrespect, and there was only one way to resolve this... Lieutenant Jee (horrified): Agni kai. A fire duel. Iroh: That's right. Zuko looked upon the old general he had insulted and declared that he was not afraid. But Zuko misunderstood. When he turned to face his opponent, he was surprised to see it was not the General. Zuko had spoken out against a general's plan, but by doing so in the Fire Lord's war room, it was the Fire Lord whom he had disrespected. Zuko would have to duel his own father.

later:

Iroh: I looked away. (The spectators are illuminated by flame, Zuko's scream of anguish is heard in the background, and the camera zooms to a close up of Iroh. The flashback ends, but Iroh's face in the present is in the same pose as it was when Zuko was scarred. It is clearly an unpleasant memory.) Lieutenant Jee (abashed): I always thought that Prince Zuko was in a training accident... Iroh: It was no accident. After the duel, the Fire Lord said that by refusing to fight, Zuko had shown shameful weakness. As punishment he was banished and sent to capture the Avatar. Only then could he return with his honor. Lieutenant Jee: So that's why he's so obsessed. Capturing the Avatar is the only chance he has of things returning to normal. Iroh: Things will never return to normal. But the important thing is, the Avatar gives Zuko hope.

It’s interesting to note that, given the story Iroh is telling here, his tone and wording is shockingly non-judgmental, mainly expressing sadness over what happened.

“The Avatar State”:

Zuko: (dejectedly) Three years ago today I was banished. I lost it all. (He looks up suddenly.) I want it back. I want the Avatar, I want my honor, I want my throne. I want my father not to think I'm worthless. Iroh: (with exaggerated optimism) I'm sure he doesn't! Why would he banish you if he didn't care? (Zuko gets up and walks away. Cut to Iroh's surprised face with the attendants in the background.) Iroh: (negatively to himself) Erg... that came out wrong, didn't it?

Later:

Zuko: (o.c., happily) We're going home. After three long years. It's unbelievable. (Zuko walks behind a thoughtful Iroh, carrying some folded clothing. He walks off to the right of the screen.) Iroh: (skeptically) It is unbelievable. I have never known my brother to regret anything. (Cut to a close-up of Zuko. At first he sounds surprised, and then forceful.) Zuko: Did you listen to Azula? Father's realized how important family is to him. He cares about me. Iroh: I care about you. And if Ozai wants you back... well, I think it may not be for the reasons you imagine. Zuko: (defensively, turning his back to Iroh) You don't know how my father feels about me. (He stiffens) You don't know anything. (Cut to the scarred portion of Zuko's face in the foreground with Iroh talking over his shoulder.) Iroh: (gently) Zuko, I only meant that in our family things are not always what they seem.”

Sozin’s Comet Part II:

Zuko: [Voice-over.] Uncle, you're the only person other than the Avatar who can [Side-view of Iroh with Zuko sat next to him. Toph sits to Zuko's right and Katara has her back to the camera opposite Toph.] possibly defeat the Father Lord. Toph: You mean the Fire Lord. Zuko: [Angrily.] That's what I just said! Iroh: Hmmm ... Zuko: We need you to come with us! Iroh: [Close-up.] No, Zuko, it won't turn out well. Zuko: [Aerial view of the group.] You can beat him! [Turns to the others.] And we'll be there to help. Iroh: Even if I did defeat Ozai, [Close-up.] and I don't know that I could, it would be the wrong way to end the war. [Aerial view of the group.] History would see it as just more senseless violence, a brother killing a brother to grab power. The only way for this war to end peacefully is for the Avatar to defeat the Fire Lord.

It’s hard for me to fully capture Iroh’s words, since his tone of voice tends to be a big part in this, but he seems remarkably non-judgmental when discussing his brother. His words seemed to colored by a great deal of sadness and regret.

How Iroh talks about Azula: 

Bitter Work:

Zuko: So uncle, I've been thinking. It's only a matter of time before I run into Azula again. I'm going to need to know more advanced firebending if I want to stand a chance against her. I know what you're going to say: she's my sister and I should be trying to get along with her. Iroh: No, she's crazy and she needs to go down. (Zuko nods. Iroh grunts as he stands up.) It's time to resume your training.

This goes without much comment, other than to note that Azula is “crazy” for doing things that Iroh and/or Zuko did. The only interesting thing to note is that Zuko didn’t just passively “run into Azula” the previous episode; he actively sought her out to fight her, as he does, to one degree or another, in many episodes this series. I’m not sure if Iroh totally understands that, but, if he does, it says interesting and not flattering things about him.

Later:

Iroh: Lightning is a pure expression of firebending, without aggression. It is not fueled by rage or emotion the way other firebending is. Some call lightning the cold-blooded fire. (Iroh takes the tea kettle off the fire and pours it into another pot. He then begins to pour two cups.) It is precise and deadly, like Azula. To perform the technique requires peace of mind.

This is actually a pretty neutral comment. Interestingly, Iroh seems to almost be encouraging Zuko to at least partially adopt Azula’s mindset, or at least Azula’s mindset as Iroh understands it. Still, the way he talks about her seems almost dehumanizing.

Later: 

Iroh: I have another idea. I will teach you a firebending move that even Azula doesn't know, because I made it up myself!

Iroh actually (likely inadvertently) encourages Zuko to stake his self-worth on how his firebending compares to Azula’s firebending prowess!

“The Crossroads of Destiny”:

Azula: I expected this kind of treachery from Uncle, but Zuko, Prince Zuko...you're a lot of things, but you're not a traitor, are you? Zuko: Release him immediately! Azula:It's not too late for you Zuko. You can still redeem yourself. Iroh:The kind of redemption she offers is not for you. Azula: Why don't you let him decide, Uncle? I need you Zuko. I've plotted every move of this day. This glorious day in Fire Nation history. And the only way we win is together. At the end of this day, you will have your honor back. You will have your father's love. You will have everything you want. Iroh: Zuko, I am begging you, look into your heart and see what it is that you truly want.

No real comment here, other than to note that Iroh doesn't bother addressing Azula directly in this scene.

“Sozin’s Comet, Part II”:

Iroh: Yes. [Close-up from over Zuko's shoulder.] Zuko, you must return to the Fire Nation, so that when the Fire Lord falls, you can assume the throne and restore peace and order. [Extreme close-up of Zuko.] But Azula will be there, waiting for you. Zuko: I can handle Azula. Iroh: Not alone! [Frontal view of Iroh from the side of Zuko.] You'll need help. Zuko: [Extreme close-up.] You're right. Katara, [Frontal view of Katara over Zuko's shoulder.] how would you like to help me put Azula in her place? Katara: It would be my pleasure.

Let’s just say the contrast with what Iroh moments earlier said about Ozai is quite palpable.

Overall, Iroh tends to be nonjudgmental, regretful, and sorrowful when he talks about Ozai, even after what Ozai did to Zuko. You get a sense that he still deeply loves his brother and wishes things had turned out differently.

By contrast, Iroh tends to be much more hostile when he talks about Azula, and even when he’s not, he seems to discuss her as an obstacle to overcome rather than a person. There is no hint of past affection in the way he discusses her.

[laceratedlamiaceae]

A list of petty reasons I hate Edward Teach

please don't take this too seriously lol, it's half me joking and half me psychoanalyzing myself

#1: He reminds me of my dad. The scene in episode four where Izzy is trying to get him to stop focusing on stupid bullshit because they're all about to die and then Ed suddenly starts stomping around and yelling about how he's bored brings me back to walking on eggshells so I wouldn't piss my dad off, although at least my dad just got really passive-aggressive when he was mad instead of yelling like that.

#2: He stole my look. I know long hair + beard + leather pants + leather jacket isn't exactly revolutionary but it's still annoying, especially since he pulls it off better than I do (for now; we'll see who looks better when I'm twenty years older and actually have biceps).

#3: He reminds me of my only real childhood friend who would ignore me in favor of his other, cooler friends but then gave me just enough attention to keep me hanging on whenever I tried to move on. I'm pretty sure Con O'Neill mentioned in some interview that he played Izzy like someone in that exact situation.

#4: People on here are annoying about him. I know this is the people being annoying about characters website, but there's a fun way to do it (which is how I like to think I am about Izzy) and an exhausting way. Also so many people are completely wrong about him, which doesn't help.

#5: He reminds me of my dad, part 2. The way he treats Izzy is so similar to the way my dad was with my mom before they got divorced; he would do something that affected both of them without thinking about her, then get super passive aggressive when she got rightfully annoyed by him.

#6: He's mean to a character I like. Speaking of the way he treats Izzy, it isn't great! Izzy isn't that nice to Ed either but since I already dislike Ed I don't really have a problem with that.

#7: I envy him. Why does he get to be so open and emotional and vulnerable and cringy and pathetic and embarrassing and still be loved and supported? I know that by wanting him to suffer like I did before I learned to stop being like that I'm being the emotional equivalent of those people who don't think student debt should be cancelled because they had to pay it off but I can't help the way I feel.

#8: He's too emotionally volatile. It's genuinely frightening to see him go from acting normal to suddenly expressing an emotion, like when he gets angry at the French captain in episode five or when he starts laughing and smiling so obnoxiously with Calico Jack. I don't like people who are so unpredictable and where I'm from it's considered rude to show such strong feelings in public. (actually now that I think about it, maybe that's not great? but I'm used to it so anything else makes me uncomfortable)

#9: He reminds me of my dad, part 3. Once me and my sister were out somewhere with my dad and I mentioned that I was thirsty so he took us to some super fancy restaurant just to get something to drink because it was close by and then after we were seated he waited for like five minutes before he changed his mind and we just walked out. I felt very uncomfortable the whole time because it was very clearly not a place to just casually get a drink. Anyways that just seems like something Ed would do and I don't like it.

#10: He's a poser. He pretends to be goth but as soon as a preppy guy shows interest in him he drops it completely. It's fine to be a foppish fancy man but you have to own it; it's just lame if you can't commit.