#i hate the way my brain functions
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hi gay people

#i havent been on here in a while#moved and started college yippee#i like my roommates theyre super cool#the quarter system is also wild#like its week 2 i got midterms#we havent even learned anything yet#i also think im gonna have to take 20-22 units for the next 2 years so thats fun#i really want to get back into sim but i am so exhausted#i miss my sims and my fake online friends#i hope everyone is doing ok#i also got prescribed vyvanse so lets go gamers#40 mg to da dome every day#but it also makes me not want to eat anything which isnt good bc i keep doing all day without eating and then i get a headache at like 5 pm#and am like oooohh#which i hate#but i try to take the med in the morning when i wake up or else i cant get out of bed#i hate the way my brain functions#maybe i can figure out how to fix it#anywhoooo#sorry for the rant i am so very irritable and twitchy i feel like a crack addict#maybe i should stop drinking caffeine#ok bye guys i just wanted to say hi
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Envy
#tginf#my art#art#oc#original characters#funnily enough I think the Dummy has a way more functional brain than the Knight does#his body just has no room for him to express this#anyway I hate lineart why did I even attempt to line here this was true agony
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My brain malfunctioned and I was digging in MTMTE the whole day, forgot to blink, kicked pillow 8 times and was talking with my reflection 6 times
Ended up with 60+ screenshots of nerds being socially awkward/abnormal/straightforward because we use books to talk, not people, silly, cool or sweet, or just facts ahah






























#Man I remembered again how much I love Mega and Rodimus duo I wonder how they would react to each other#If they met as their younger versions untouched by war#Swerve literally can quote every of Blurr's races#Cried again when Ratchet left his words are some poetry that doesn't need to sound like one#Whirl Cyclonus and Tailgate ? EHEHEH#Scavengers are unhinged hobos ahaha#I want to put them in one story with Sixshot and Terrorcons#NICKEL MY SWEET GIRL#Looked at Sunder and thought of how damn well he would look if to make him even more and scarier#First Aid acting immediately and giving orders what to do in emergency situation? Yes please#Functions is universe with their “you are our eyes” plot twist YESSS#Functionists giving Rung a fake wheel to make at least a little sense of him and call him ornament? Pfffht#SWERVE IS SO F**KING COOL WITH THIS WHOLE HOLOMATTER ABILITY#Yeah no I hate Getaway.#Senator Shockwave giving an order to stop forced change of brain until two in charge agree on this?#And this way saving Megatron#Whirl saving Megatron because functionists are WORSE#Functionists invented empurata and all universities#Trailbracker... Would have loved to see more of him and Rodimus. His attempt to save him hit hard#Rung having a claustrophobia? Matter of fact I saw no angst of him that I would have found angsty XDD Somehow him getting forgotten#is the worst I saw#Necrobot is a crush. Hear me out he is a crush and very cool. I wish he had more time with Nightbeat.
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as someone who's struggled with feeling too much my entire life, finding a character that feels the same is indescribable
galadriel's just like me fr 😭
#it's such a difficult world to circulate imo#and i hate hate hate that the word “gifted” is still being used#it's a shitty word and it never made me feel any better#my brain doesn't function the way others do#not better or lesser just different#i feel like i still haven't truly been diagnosed with whatever's plaguing me#that the depression is just hiding something#idk man i'm rambling#txt
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adhd comix
#man i dont even have the energy to be mad. im just tired#like. dont u love it when your parents exhibit symptoms of ADHD and your sibling is diagnosed with a learning disability#and instead of thinking oh shit what if the other one has smth too. they subject you to The Horrors#i cant bring myself to hate my parents. but im tired of feeling obligated to defend them when the thing they think is working#isnt actually working and ive just found other ways to cope to avoid any sort of conflict. like lying and stealing. lol#if someone took me aside and said 'hey so your brain doesnt make as much dopamine as usual and its not a bad thing it just means you#need external stimulation and reward system to function and youre not actually secretly fucked up or lazy' as a kid#im pretty sure i wouldnt be here rn with half the problems i already have. unfortunately getting diagnosed late means u dont have a teacher#to back you up at a parent teacher conference that forces your parents to take this shit seriously instead of ignoring it hoping itll#go away on its own. but hey what do i know i have squirrel ipad baby disease. what do i know about my own symptoms#AND. AND i think im allowd to be mad bc ive been doing my own research on this for years before and after diagnosis#theyve been putting me thru the WORST parenting techniques on earth. which they could have corrected at anytime but they were#comfortable thinking they were doing it right and didnt bother to check if they were or werent fucking up their kid in the long run#and refusing to acknowledge it. i just!! they just decided one day hey lets make babies!! and just looked at books on how to make#a human being survive as long as possible!!! what the fuck!!!!#im sorry for putting this on ppls dashes but i am. so tired. of bottling this up. and im not looking for sympathy or anything i just need#to scream and clench my fists to SOMEONE about it because theyre not gonna take this well up the ass. sigh#yapping#vent
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Me learning about "fridgescaping":
#like not to be a hater but also... im hating#my inner boomer just wants to know why the fuck things cant just function the way theyre meant to?#for what reason do ppl have to fill thier fridge with decorations for tiktok???#i learned about it from an r/aita where a mans wife kept getting mad at him for moving her decir when he tried to get food out of the fridge#and i just??????#it also just sounds like a nightmare to my adhd brain that already forgets about food hiding behind other food#karma talks
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it's wild seeing people invent drama where it literally doesn't exist. guess that's what happens when shipping starts to pick up in a fandom?
no one is hating on silver
no one is harassing creators
this is why I have mixed feelings on creators stepping into fandom. because aabria is absolutely a treat who's just chilled out and been rad, but it suddenly creates this environment where saying an opinion out loud (not directed towards the creators in any way) that some fans have chosen to believe the creator "wouldn't like" (whether or not that's true) casts you as a rabid harassing ship obsessed scum who is trying to ruin the canon narrative
I don't fucking care what's canon, I'm just having fun in my little corner making my dolls kiss. chill the fuck out.
#and for the record I don't dislike silver! I don't talk about him because the specific way my brain functions in fandom is#I latch heavily onto one character or dynamic. no one thinks I hate the other stoats in d20 because I obsess over tula!#(for the record with wbn specifically “not caring what's canon” is more no matter what happens I trust them to make a satisfying story)#and with that I'm done because I got enough discourse for my liking from the fucking gay pirates#worlds beyond number#the wizard the witch and the wild one#glassheart
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ITS THE HOLIDAY FAMBILY!!!!!!

#DECEBBER!!!!!#deltarune#noelle holiday#noelle deltarune#december holiday#dess holiday#rudy holiday#i hate the way my brain functions i need to be put in an asylum
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dad got ritalin from his psych for me :) its sold out everywhere and he cant give it to me when visiting on the weekend :(
#astro talks#literally shoutout to him for going through with and getting teh script. but it does mean ill have to visit him#(lives in another city) during the week for the sole purpose of aquiring the medication.#i have ben holding out til saturday for the reason of getting those meds. but no the world hates me fr#goddd its been months at this point... i miss it soo bad sdfghjk :(#fuck it. lets have a couple of drinks. i deserve it#god. talking to him abt ritalin was so good tho. like he gets It. sometimes u just need someoen to validate that#the medcication is working in the right way. and that yes. it is just making my brain 'normal' when i take it#(bc my mum is convinced it makes me manic. no mum it just helps me function lmfao)#also for legal purposes. i am lying. this is a joke.
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I should probably just go to bed because I’m on the verge of posting every single thought I’ve had this past week eeggegeheheheh me when I don’t have my outlet to scream into the void
#BEING OFF SOCIAL MEDIA FELT SO GOOD WOW OK i missed my mutuals but aside from that? reject modernity return to playing in dirt#RAPID FIRE OF MY EVIL THOUGHTS OK. coding is FUN actually like I’m so bad at it but I think I’m getting slightly better at html. slightly.#bugs are so awesome omgggg I had a dream where I got to hold a wasp last night. and I’m getting Luna moth cocoons sometime over the summer!!#AND AND AND at church tonight I found a devil’s coach horse beetle!! ironic name#it was cool as hell!!! no pun intended#it wasn’t in the main church area so I was able to discuss it with my siblings without getting weird looks. it was awesome#they turn their abdomens up like scorpions when they’re threatened!! guess how I know#apparently it’s ‘’threatening’’ to have ‘’three people staring at you and trying to guess your species’’ smh#there’s apparently a superstition where if one points its abdomen at you you get cursed#so I went to church and got cursed by the devil isn’t that awesome#AAALSO UNDERTALE. I’ve been playing more undertale I think it’s becoming an Interest. I won’t say special interest just yet buuuut#I love undyne sm uurghh yayyyy#AND FINALLY AAGHH!! my friend who I haven’t seen in 6 years said she Might be able to take time off to visit sometime rrrgrhhrh#plans have a way of falling through so I’m not putting much hope into it but RHRHRHGRHRHRHRHGHGH#going FERAL. me when I crave human connection#also and finally. I accidentally made a new PDBC character lmao I hate him. his name is Mylkan and he’s insufferable#by accidentally I mean I drew an older OC so horribly I made him his own character#he’s such a minor character it’s not even worth mentioning any of his traits but Mylkan Exists now. alas#brain is CLUTTERED. so anyway I have some art I got done last week so those’ll be posted tomorrow morning. this morning. whatever.#prances away gaily. I’m gonna try an laser focus on getting my site more functional and organized so GET READY 🦅🦅💥💥💥
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#serious clash between my specific flavour of brain issues and my wife's specific flavour of brain issues today#where she had complete over stimulation issue and just wanted to be held perfectly still and silent#which i did#but all the while by brain has gone completely the other way and is totally understimulated and starting to freak out#because it's too quiet and I'm sitting too still and I've only done boring necessary things today#and things i hate doing#but now I'm pinned in place#and i want to be there for her and make sure she's okay and not make things worse#but I'm about this far from having a meltdown because i need. to do. something. anything. i need sound. i need to make something#or write something or ANYTHING#so i sit there tapping the fingers on my free hand repeatedly back and forward back and forward#but as quietly as i can because i don't want to make things worse#we're both okay now#but yeah#probably delete this later#i just needed to get this out of my head#because i don't really know how to deal with it if it happens again#i don't want to not be able to be there in the way she needs#but i also don't want to end up making things worse for both of us#idk#I've not felt it that bad before#but it's definitely been worse lately#my concentration levels are LOW#executive function is LOW#need to be doing at all times is HIGH#need for multiple stimuli is HIGH#but like i fluctuate#sometimes i get like i did today and sitting still is THE WORST THING ANYONE HAS EVER FORCED ME TO DO ACTUALLY#other times I'm begging my brain to let me do the thing but instead end up sitting there doing god know what for hours#it makes no damn sense
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Texting habits per judging function
No one asked, but here are some observations I've made in my personal life.
*Note that this probably differs by age, gender, and culture (for instance, I have been told by several Americans that I use an insane amount of emojis, whereas it's not considered weird at all here in Germany).
FJ:
Generally very good at texting, will respond to absolutely every point you make. If you send them a long voice message, they can be found taking notes while listening so that they will not forget to answer any point you made.
Have a very hard time leaving someone on read and if they do, either something happened and they forgot, or they simply don't like you very much. If they open the message, they answer. If they don't have time to answer you right now, they simply will not open the message yet.
If the text conversation is done (i.e. you wrote something like "bye, see you tomorrow!" that does not require another response), they will still at the very least send you an emoji back for no reason other than letting you know that "Yes! I read your message! I'm not ignoring you! I love you!" (Literally every FJ I have ever known does this. Every single one, including myself.)
They will adapt to your style of texting. If you are the kind of person that likes to send a bunch of heart emojis to friends and the FJ friend is not, they will still pepper in a heart here and there. If you generally don't use emojis, they will use them only occasionally. If you reply in wallpaper long messages, so will they. If you break up your messages into several texts one after the other, so will they.
FPs:
Also generally quite good at texting and can actually appear a lot warmer in writing than in person (there have been several instances where I received really lovely messages from FPs who I used to think hated my guts whenever we met in person).
Prepare for emojis. Seriously.
You can have infinitely long text conversations with them. If you are willing to commit, the conversation between the two of you will never end. With NFPs, the conversations usually end up spiralling into nonsense scenarios, while SFPs keep telling you about their day and keep answering you about your day every day.
TPs:
(my texting experience with TPs is unfortunately very limited, so feel free to fill in my blanks)
Fe is very noticeable in the extroverts, i.e. they tend to go the FJ route described above, but in a more nonchalant and more relaxed way. Like with FJs, the focus of the conversation is on you and their dynamic with you.
The introverts (i.e. my dad, i.e. my only point of reference) are bad at texting and prefer to call, so almost all text conversations go something like this: TP: "Hi, I tried to call you, but you didn't pick up. I hope everything is alright with you?" You: "Yes, sorry. Everything's good here, how about you, everything okay?" --- end of conversation ---
TJs:
Generally bad at texting. Also don't really like it and see no point in it, so they usually prefer calling or talking in person.
Will appear colder in writing than in person, especially the STJs. Their answers will be straight to the point. No beating around the bush and no needless extension of a conversation in form of jokes/questions/anecdotes for a bonding experience. If they want to tell you something, they will tell you in person.
Have absolutely zero problem leaving people on read and usually don't mean anything by it.
STJs rarely use emojis, NTJs do but not excessively
If their answer requires them to type anything more than two sentences, they will send you a voice message instead. (Literally every single TJ I know does this, except my INTJ brother who is a complete maniac and calls instead.)
#the TJ way of texting will never stop confusing me#i usually don't look at other people's phones but i once witnessed an istj's text conversation and it's been haunting me ever since#she had just visited her husband's family with their kids and her mother-in-law sent her a really long lovely message#saying how much she enjoyed their visit and how much she loved each and every one of them and sent her a bunch of pictures#and this istj replied with 'thanks me too' and THAT WAS IT! if i had been her mother-in-law i would have assumed she doesn't like me at all#but no! this istj spent the next half hour looking at the pictures smiling softly zooming in on everyone's faces and then smiling some more#similarly one of my closest friends is an estj and she will tell you in person how much she loves you but her messages? not that warm#or my entj friend. he is a real chatterbox in person but texting? yeah no forget it#this is unimaginable for me as an FJ i would only do this as a deliberate choice to make it known that i don't want anything to do with the#so texting with a TJ always feels like recalibrating your brain to calm down and go:#'no i know they don't hate me yes i know they text like they do but i know that they don't it's okay they are like this with everyone'#and really sorry for the limited TP section. the only TPs i ever texted are my dad and some occasional acquaintances#so seriously. chime in with your observations! especially to get a broader picture from other cultures than my own as well#typing post#judging functions#cognitive functions
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Very rarely do I actually feel pretty
#my face#i usually hate it but i like this image#now if i can just get the rest of me to follow the drill#need to lose like 10lbs and get my brain back to functional again#my brain is in depression and frozen panic mode way to often#need to get it switched to productive and knowledgeable mode again
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man…
#it’s hard not to hate yourself when you’re constantly getting in your own way#and it’s shit that’s entirely out of your control#why do i gotta be like this#why do i gotta function this way#i love being queer but god damn it it’s confusing and frustrating sometimes#really confusing when my brain positively responds to things that don’t align with how i see myself#aughhh
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One of my friends got spoiled for the ending of orv by one of her classmates. And it isn't even a proper spoiling where she now knows the ending. It's literally just for the big plot twists. The marvel movie version of orv if you will. I think I might actually hate someone in real life more than I hate myself
#omniscient reader's viewpoint#literally the worst type of spoilers#you just get left confused and distraught and without any real understanding of the story#like seriously how stupid do you have to be to not have the self restraint to not spoil a story???#cannot believe i share a fandom with something with the brain functionality of a decomposing frog#okay maybe its because it involves my friend and ive been trying so hard over the past year and a half to NOT spoil her#but i am so pissed by this????????#and i might be overreacting a bit (or a lot)#but like. orv is just one of those novels that you have to experience (mostly) unspoiled#lbr there is no way youre reading it unspoiled unless you dont go on social media the whole time#but like. you dont just go up to someone who is still in the nirvana arc. and fucking explain the 4951 tls123 etc etc#you just dont#learning the reason for the creation of wos (even though i already knew who tls123 was). experiencing the confrontation with od (even though#i already knew his identity). the growing dread as i read ch 516 because it seemed like such a good anding and i just knew something would#happen (there were too many chapters left. i didnt know what the 49 51 thing was). these are all things that my friend will never experience#how can i not be angry. how can i not hate this person.#orv spoilers
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i have my psych appointment at two which means for the next 34 minutes i can probably squeeze in some sitting here diligently doing nothing of import while being stuck in a frozen state before then
#shut up kit#i hate that my brain functions this way#but im trying my best to idk not sit here waiting
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