#i have a lot of art of this guy...argh...i miss posting things...

[dorkicon]

some progress shots of a comic ive been working on for my sequential art class (tired thumbs up) some of u (?eh) may recognize the blue seeker as the oc i posted a while back. this comic is like his...backstory...thing i guess

some color tests and the script for these pages is under the cut...the dialog is a bit different but im too lazy to sort it out at the moment.

1.

1) far out perspective on a warehouse of identical robots. they stretch on in a large horizontal panel, a box full of similar bodies. light leaks into the crowd, illuminating nightlight. he stares upward.

(some kind of narration..?)

2) thin, long panel showing hole in ceiling. the night sky shimmers. a moon glows yellow.

3) nightlight stares up from a crowd of automatons at the sky

4) zoom in on nightlights face. yellow eyes reflect the moon. long thin panel. bg is stars

(hardcoded to kill.) (born to die)

[high priority: eliminate target at cost of self.]

2.

[i never had to learn. i knew everything from the start]

--

[how to assemble my rifle.]

[a fatal crunch under its stock.]

[how to tear the plating from another living machine]

[the squealing snapping of broken bones.]

--

[i was good. good at following orders. i had gone so long without fulfilling my primary assignment that i had, ironically, become useful for my experience.]

3.

[ i was reassigned--a nearly abandoned fuel outpost that no one was really supposed to know about.]

[alongside two others who had outlived their mission, just like myself.]

--

(kid, cmon. everyone has a name.) [redlyne]

(take it easy. they just pulled this one off the lines. give him some time.) [dawnbreaker]

[i didnt have one. i never needed one until now.]

[i tried to think--]

(my name?)

[nightlight.]

--

[i couldnt comprehend it at first. i didnt understand.]

(ext. a run down outpost.)

[

4.

[no one was supposed to know about our outpost.]

--

[we had lulled ourselves into a sort of mundanity. finally, our unremarkable existence had begun to show its advantage.]

--

(chess game pieces are rattled by gunfire, redlyne goes to check door(?))

--

(he is shot down.)

[of course, even the small amount of fuel we were guarding was worth killing over.]

--

[i dont know who killed him who killed ether of them. our side? the other one?]

[deep in my circuts, in the hardcoding of my frame, all i knew was that they were gone.]

[sanchoyo]

me and my sis are gonna possibly maybe have a Yard Sale tomorrow and im very excited...its been SO long since ive had one and the weather has been super pretty lately.. so the idea of just hangin out w my sister and our dogs and makin money...effervescent . a fun time (we live in a p good area for it too, last time I had one I was only like. 10. but me and her ended up making 300+ together at that one, lol)

also ive had 2 HUGE garbage bags full of clothes I meant to donate sitting in my room for a MONTH so. glad to be getting rid of those (what doesnt sell tomorrow will either go on depop or be donated locally, depending on if I think the depop girlies will like it. depends on how eccentric it is lol) I rly hope to sell as much as possible tho bc still unemployed...

I think my next goal (aside from the money i plan to use to get my dog the full spa treatment) I would rly like to maybe get a nice camera for myself for my bday. I already have the model in mind... my goal was GONNA be to get my switch fixed bc Viddy Games Fun, but like, if the new loz doesnt release this yr I dont feel as rushed or obligated 🤷‍♂️ and theres a few local jobs for taking pics ive seen (like, for car lots/sales places and real estate, and possibly Events for ppl once I get a bit better at it) and im like oh. that would be easy and something I could reasonably do? bein into art gives me the advantage of being Good at composition and being able to digitally fix/enhance the images if theyd need that. or..tentatively considering a yt channel? I think..it might be fun. but im not rly planning anything concrete yet tho 🤷‍♂️

[tammyhybrid21]

On Villain Impact

SO, Guess who just rewatched UP so that I could further expand on the tea brought up in the post that ask prompted! I mean, and some general comparison moments... with plot and tone and the possible inspirations... BUT--

We're not here to explore Paradise Falls today!

So let's take this in parts so I can give each villain(and one bonus) their dues. Starting with the Pixar villain who first traumatized me in 2009.

Charles Muntz

Sooo first of all, this guy is terrifying.

Like, out of all the villains I'm here to talk about, Muntz has reached that point that there's just... something wrong and broken by the time he actually shows up on screen in his movie. Well, not his movie but-- By the time we meet him, isolation has done a number along with his single minded focus on his goal.

Muntz is... not in a good state of mind AT ALL.

BUT--

I kind of want to take it back for a moment to what triggered this. Because here's the tea-- As we see, throughout the movie with Russel and Kevin, Muntz's find was real. Birb still around even. That skeleton he displayed-- and yet--

They decried it as fake. Something he fabricated. Which hello, here's some of my related tea-- Again, this is basically that whole-- issue of if it doesn't fit with known facts, along with some of the other issues regarding the palaeontology community in general that is-- not quite the same, but--

I have many, many dinosaur issues and some of them come from how long it took people to accept feathered dinosaurs, to the fact that there has been multiple cases of evidence that dinosaurs went extinct much more recently than what we're taught in schools(middle ages, medieval art and designs and just argh--), that are just-- REJECTED. Which even included a report about still images, art and designs that are very dinosaur in nature. Or hell, the comparison of dragon legends to how dinosaur skulls and appearances are--

Not to mention there have been and are still fiascos about dinosaur bones and the whole marrow and blood cells discovered in them. Which instead of maybe assuming that means they're younger than previously assumed they're assuming that means that decay rates are off, which... yeah sure. I don't really have a degree on that, but it sounds wrong when decay has more clear and obvious examples that have been more clearly witnessed, studied-- I mean there's a whole STUDY on decay--

BUT I'M NOT AN EXPERT AND THE EARTH HAS TO BE--

Anyway-- Fossils and bones have-- such a HUGE mess. From exhibits going missing, discoveries passed over time and time again because is "doesn't fit" what was previously know, there's a whole documentary that's one guy trying to explain how there's evidence of specific species actually just being sexual dimorphism and differences in age of just one species and being mocked by the rest of the community for that view--

You know fascinating stuff--

Among other things, like I remember so clearly a documentary that used to be around where they talked about a dig site where there were modern animals preserved with animals from so, so long ago-- along with trying to explain how the very existence of Dinosaur bones and fossils proved that the Great Worldwide Flood happened.

Which-- honestly on the flood, just look at how pretty much every culture has a Great Flood story and that's already proven that something happened. WHICH is all beside the point--

But this-- THIS--

Do you know how much this happens, happened, and still probably will happen in the future?! I mean shit-- people thought the KANGAROO was FAKE NEWS once upon a time. Among-- many other of Australia's animals... also like-- think about weird animals from your own country and imagine in the olden days, sure people could travel, but that didn't mean everyone would or could and just--

How many animals sound fake but then you see them?!

In any case, there's just a very subtle background flow to this movie in that ultimately, the TRUE villains hidden in the story are the Archaeology & Palaeontology communities. Scientists.

--

Which yeah, deviation from the main point of this post, so now that we have that background detail and rant. What impact does Muntz have as a villain. Well... very clearly he's terrifying. Like, I don't think I can overstate how much I was FREAKED OUT as a baby 11 year old seeing this movie for the first time, with exaggerated memories of fire and trauma and all-- and just-- Muntz is a Pixar villain.

Which yeah--

I don't actually really have to say much in regards to how he lingers and his presence is felt all through how the movie unfolds. Even from before this reveal-- there's that sense of wrongness when you're paying attention and you just think about how the dogs act.

And well-- there's something to be stated about this scene... and how it serves as a good lead in to the next villain I would like to talk about-- But for now...

Muntz' degeneration here is subtle. Traitors, liars, people after his discovery... and some serious isolation induced paranoia.

But the heart of his motivation is that long, long ago disgrace. It's been YEARS, of hunting and trying to find the one thing. Carl's entire lifetime from childhood. His entire goal-- and what a hell of a broken pedestal that creates... but arguably, he's from a somewhat tragic perspective when you actually think how fundamentally broken he's fallen when examining the facts.

From a lauded explorer-- adventurer... to this.

Fearing and calling anyone he meets liars.

Max Mordon

Soooo before anyone says that was an abrupt-- I think that this is the PERFECT place to transition over. Because the one immediately there is... some DRASTIC contrasts between these two, despite well. Some small similar vibes to generals.

Like seriously...

Not precisely the same... but like-- Brown hair, blue eyes... and the general frame of his hair style. Max just missed some of the points and has no moustache or anything. BUT--

Max is also in direct contrast in regards to motivations. At least to the prior villain of Muntz. BUT-- Max is kind of literally the kind of people that Muntz was paranoid about. Which isn't really played for subtly in the movie, which is unfortunate, but to be fair that's a hard thing to play subtle and with all the tropes we've been exposed to nowadays-- BUT--

Max basically fell into the trap of, pedestal to break, along with what I kind of call Scooby logic, in how his presentation gave him away as a villain. And also all the older mentor characters disapproving of him.

Basically he was doomed from the framing.

Which-- isn't really the movie's fault, and in the end I would argue it actually plays to his favour to be so obvious.

Sooo I can also actually focus on other things instead of the fact we all know! Like how THERE'S just... so, so much I could say about Tad's reactions to Max throughout the movie. But that will probably take away from the focus of this rant/analysis. BUT-- Yeah, Max is set up as pretty obviously trouble to EVERYONE but the main characters.

Which... I do have opinions for another rant about how Sara would have in any other context probably noticed his fake sooner-- but Max is... "media circus" and archaeology... and more really his pursuit is-- really, really straight forwards in the context of the movie and even the greater scope.

Max is after immortality, power, and prestige. Puts great pride on his title and claim to be the "Greatest explorer". And much unlike Muntz there is no sign of ANYTHING tragic or forgiving in his background. He wasn't screwed over by the system, rather he's here using the system to screw others other.

ALSO--

Max is savvy as anything.

Like-- I don't think people will quite understand my glee at how RUTHLESS this is. But in a similar vein to Muntz, Max isn't letting anything stand in the way of his goals. Not here-- directing the Odysseus to get rid of Freddy and Tad despite them ostensibly being "no threat", which yeah... not completely for Tad as later that comes back around-- BUT-- Max is just... SAVVY in that sense that he's not taking risks.

BUT then we also get him showing he's... really not as expert as he plays himself. Which sure, the Professor has studied for years, but still-- there's a kind of logic that's just-- well, in the Quipu room and even before entering the ruins... He's just-- not studied enough, or observing enough. Not without blind spots.

BUT--

I also want to for a moment just take a moment to have an aside on this:

I also don't know if this is something that people would notice. But-- when it comes to this moment, Max turns the tables... really quickly. Which half of that is just Mummy being kind of naïve himself here in this moment, like-- of all the decisions... but the other half is SOMETHING clicked in Max's mind on this--

But mostly I want to focus on that expression. He's so damn smug-- like he's got a plan, smug and smooth, ready to try and steal the advantage... and I have... opinions on other nuances that might be hiding in that smile. But-- well, it's just not something that can easily be covered all in this--

BUT

It's these two SIDES. And his clear motivation, that actually makes Max a really, really strong and interesting villain to speculate and think about. ALSO-- On the topic of my prior rant...

Max DEFINITELY is the kind of person who probably-- had the movie not unfolded as it did, just be likely to think Mummy was just "another discovery" and tool to use to boost his own reputation.

But as we all know-- ultimately it all came back down on him and backfired.

Jack Rackham

Is honestly the most bland and kind of... confusing almost part of The Secret of King Midas. Like, I almost get him, but then compared to Max, there's just... Nothing to really work with in terms of fanfiction for missing scenes, alternative takes on the universe and story-- and even for his basic motivation it feels like something is... missing or unexplained. Not quite paid off properly.

But then, a lot of things in the sequel kind of pan out in a weird way that I have... much to grumble on.

"So cute, the power of Midas goes way beyond wealth my dear"

"Midas' power, is the power of the GODS! The power to Rule the World!"

Aaaand then this feels like it doesn't actually get a proper explanation or framing or anything to explain what that even MEANS. It's kind of nebulous to how things pan out and unfold. Also, just in general for movie 2, we didn't see enough of Rackham for him to make a proper impact or landing...

Like, for all the world aside the romance subplot, Rackham's presence in this movie is the MOST FORCED THING. He just feels... incomplete, or like something is missing. And then worse, obligatory. With next to no impact aside a few expressions that only lead to more internal confusion and screaming because WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN?! What was meant to be going on here?

And that stupid, stupid line--

Makes me wonder if there was some other factor supposed to be at play with the collar. Since honestly-- Just the touch of gold doesn't really speak highly to "the power of the gods".

Rackham... in comparison to Max is just-- so empty.

And again...

The last thing that just drives my confusion(along with a conspiracy based on framing, set pieces and other things) is this expression, and specifically who it's aimed at.

Bonus Tiffany & The Archaeological Community

So...

Hot take but-- Movie 2's villain should have been Tiff. Well, halfway anyway... And I have... already mostly ranted on the topic-- But not really enough to truly kind of get over my TRUE frustration. Which has now combined into how nebulous and almost... overloaded movie 2 feels the more I rewatch the rest of it.

BUT LIKE--

If there is one rule that we see time and time again when discoveries are made that challenge things. THEY ARE NOT ACCEPTED. People just like to think, to believe that we know the most about the past already. That there's a strict timeline to everything that happened. And if mythology and stories come into it-- Just for crying out loud--

The issue persists.

People denying anything that challenges the view already established. Up to and including the mishandling of archaeological digs and finds. Destruction of artefacts and we all know that the ones who get the brunt of it are the younger folks, those who're out of the "default" and well... ladies.

Which yeah-- not really surprising because sexism still stands and rings strong... but here...

DESPITE THE PAPYRUS BEING FOUND-- We didn't actually get to see the end result of that... And how it was taken beyond a giant presentation. There would have been authenticators-- people going over every INCH of that thing and then more-- so, so many people who would STILL call it fake.

Since we all know! Magic isn't real, myths didn't happen. So this must be some exaggerated story as well right?

WHICH ALSO-- Arguably this whole angle, the potential of the plot being just-- Driven by this-- It's more in line with the motives that are set up for Tiffany. The BIGGEST DISCOVERY in recent history. And also again, I can talk about some incomplete arcs, because this actually gives EVERYONE that little bit more room to breath.

Also serves as a bit more of a move on from movie 1 for Tadeo, first his hero(Max), wasn't all he appeared, and now-- the villain is okay, not exactly defined so much, more abstract in the community decrying the evidence. Denying-- Quite likely mishandling the papyrus since it can't really be what it claims.

Actually make the papyrus relevant, along with Sara's journal of notes on the project for more than one scene... and POSSIBLY EXPLAIN THAT LINE FROM RACKHAM.

Power of the Gods... and the mystery of Sara's kind of echo/response line to it.

“There are too many signs that the power of Midas shouldn’t be trifled with, I’m just saying that maybe the collar shouldn’t see the daylight”

We could have even still had that climax, just with some alterations, and let Tiffany come full circle in the theming. Set up and payoff, with even the legend being mirrored. But anyway... yeah.

Just in general, the villains most effective here are the ones who give us more than just that surface level empty sense. That have presence that's felt and echoes throughout the whole MOVIE and story. Which is definitely Muntz and Max, without them something is fundamentally lost.

Meanwhile Rackham is there, but he feels obligatory, without a proper explanation and if you removed him--

Tiffany could have become a mirror to Muntz in a similar way to Max-- BUT also much closer. She's set up PERFECTLY for it as well. Her adoration and eagerness, that bright hope yet. And it would be so easy to still have the main beats be the same-- Without much of an issue of the plot push either.

Rackham's sense of presence in the movie is so... dismal anyway--

And as for that climax. Well, you have to prove every aspect right?

BUT then it wouldn't make sense for Tadeo to make any kind of sacrifice there. To come full circle, it would need to be Tiffany. And the collar ACTUALLY could be sacrificed like in the legend and Tad first assumed.

[chaoscheebs]

Celdic Crew Group Chat Log

So, um, look, I had the urge to type out a fake chat log for Fie, Elliot, and Machias, because they’re probably pretty tight after what happened post Cold-Steel 1/early-ish Cold Steel II.  No serious spoilers I can think of, it’s just a roller-coaster of stuff.

Tl;dr their group chats are wild.

------

Fie: you see this is why i’m the only one of us who’s touched a boob

Elliot: Didn’t Machias technically touch one too?

Machias: WHAT WHEN?!?!?

Fie: oh yeah, in the windmill.  forgot about that

Machias: WHAT I DID NOT

Fie: you were sleeping.  you called me ‘jusis’ and went in for the squeeze. honestly you were doing a pretty good job, i was almost hesitant to smack you awake

Machias: WHAT

Elliot: Man, I still get why you did that, Fie, but did you have to smack him hard enough to make him elbow ME?????

Machias: THAT WAS WHY YOU DID THAT!?!?!?!?  WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?!?!?!!

Fie: didn’t seem important

Elliot: Honestly, I thought you knew you were Mr. Hands in your sleep already after all the times *I* elbowed you awake too.

Machias: NO I DID NOT YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME!!!!  I WOULD HAVE SLEPT FURTHER FROM YOU IF YOU TOLD ME!!!!!!!

Elliot: And let you freeze instead?  We knew the risks after the first night.  D|

Fie: nah he wouldn’t have frozen, it wasn’t THAT cold.  he’d COMPLAIN a lot in the morning tho

Elliot: Oh, yeah, definitely.  Especially since we didn’t have his terrifying favorite coffee blend available there.

Fie: lol yeah

Machias: MY COFFEE ISN’T TERRIFYING AND ALSO DON’T CHANGE THE SUBJECT

Elliot: Machias, it has a *caution label* on it to not drink more than two cups of it and you down the whole damned pitcher!  D: D: D:

Fie: it’s honestly kinda impressive, you really are unbreakable lol

Machias: CAN WE GET BACK TO THE POINT ALREADY?!?!?

Elliot: Machias, when do we ever get to the point here?

Machias: . . .  DON’T TRY TO CONFUSE ME WITH LOGIC HERE.  8T

Fie: lol

Elliot: *Anyway*, if we were really upset about it, we would’ve said something, but we knew you really missed your boyfriend, so…

Machias: HE IS NOT—I MEAN HE WAS NOT—ARGH THIS IS STILL HARD TO ADMIT NOW

Fie: that’s the other reason we didn’t say anything, you were EXTRA shouty whenever we mentioned him back then

Elliot: Truth.  You two going from *loudly* hatefucking constantly to actually admitting you *liked* each other was a long, wild ride.  A long, *LOUD* wild ride.  D|

Machias: JUSIS STILL TWITCHES HILARIOUSLY WHENEVER HE HEARS “THE DEVIL WENT DOWN TO CELDIC” THANKS TO YOU TRYING TO MAKE US STOP BEING LOUD, BY THE WAY

Fie: so does alisa, she had some choice words about your angry midnight concertos too

Elliot: Oops.  She did kinda live above me, didn’t she?  I should maybe send her apology flowers someday.

Machias: THAT’D ONLY BE NICE.

Fie: i notice you’re not asking for flowers too

Machias: HONESTLY WE KINDA DESERVED IT.  ALSO IT WAS PRETTY FUNNY.  SERIOUSLY, SOME STREET MUSICIAN WAS PLAYING IT ON OUR LAST, ER, MEETING AND YOU COULD FEEL THE BARELY REPRESSED ANGER COMING OFF OF HIM, LOL.

Fie: lol

Elliot: Lol.

Fie: so did rean ever realize you weren’t playing unsexy violin ditties because you just love music that much?

Elliot: Not on his own, no.  Emma and I ended up talking to him about several things he was, um, overlooking waaaaaaaaaaaaay back before that school festival at the academy.

Machias: OVERLOOKING, MY BUTT, HE HAD TO BE WILLFULLY IGNORANT AT THAT POINT.  I’M PRETTY SURE EVEN MILLIUM HAD IT FIGURED OUT AT A GLANCE, HOW DID EVERYTHING AROUND HIM FLY OVER HIS HEAD THAT MUCH

Fie: lol wow way to burn yourself man

Machias: IN MY DEFENSE I’M ALSO BURNING JUSIS AT THE SAME TIME, WE WERE COMPLETE GARBAGE HIDING ANYTHING AND WE ALL KNOW IT.

Fie: true, lol

Elliot: Also in his defense, I was also talking about all the *other* stuff that flew right over his head.  Like the fact he kept taking me to *date spots* and also apparently witnessed Laura’s love confession to you, Fie, and completely didn’t notice.

Fie: eh, it was laura.  it flew over her head too for a while.  good thing she’s kinda cute when she’s clueless, lol

Elliot: It’s terrifying that Machias and Jusis were the closest to having their stuff together out of all of us back then, by the way.

Fie: absolutely horrifying

Machias: HEY

Elliot: It’s kinda true.  You two were at each other’s throats for a while there, man.

Fie: and not in the kinky way

Elliot: It’s probably in the kinky way now, tho’.  XD

Fie: no doubt lol

Machias: WILL YOU TWO STOP?!?!?  BESIDES DON’T YOU TWO HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO THAN RIP ON ME????????

Elliot: Not really; my schedule’s clear today.

Fie: the better question is don’t YOU have anything better to do than stay here and get dunked on

Machias: . . . NOT REALLY I’M WAITING ON JUSIS’S TRAIN TO COME IN

Elliot: Well, there you go.

Fie: aww, you have plans then?

Machias: NOT ANYTHING MAJOR, HE’S COMING IN ON BUSINESS AND I THOUGHT WE COULD AT LEAST SQUEEZE IN LUNCH TOGETHER BETWEEN THAT

Elliot: “Lunch.”

Fie: ‘lunch’

Machias: OH GET YOUR MINDS OUT OF THE GUTTER

Elliot: So you’re not planning on finding a closet to fool around in, then~?  ;)

Machias: . . . . . . . . . SHUT UP

Fie: this is text

Machias: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!!!!  AND HONESTLY, FOR SOMEONE WHO KEEPS TALKING SHIT ABOUT ME BEING A HORNBALL, YOU’RE THE ONE WHO ALWAYS KEPT FINDING SOME DOROTHEE-LEVEL GAY SMUT, ELLIOT

Fie: it’s always the cute, quiet ones lololol

Elliot: Hey, Dorothee knew where it was at, guys; you’re all just mean.  :(

Machias: IT ALWAYS SURPRISED ME HOW SHE GOT AWAY WITH AS MUCH AS SHE DID WITH THOSE BOOKS

Elliot: Eh, when it sticks to just text, it’s hard to tell at a glance if it’s “clean” or not without reading the whole thing, and teachers don’t have time for that.  Thank Aidios for exploitable loopholes!

Machias: DIDN’T PROTECT ME WHEN YOU GAVE SOME “LITERATURE” TO READ.  8|

Elliot: That’s because it had illustrations; it’s hard *not* to notice when there’s pages like that.  Quality art, tho’.

Machias: . . . IT KINDA WAS

Fie: ok, first what book is this, and second why didn’t you share with me

Elliot: Because it got confiscated way back when.  It’s out of print now too to boot, dammit.  :( :( :(

Machias: RIP IN PIECES, LOVE’S FIRST BITE, PEPPERONY AND CHEASE

Fie: what

Elliot: Machias, get off the orbal net, we’re worried about you.

Machias: ORBAL NET MEMES ARE THE WAY OF THE FUTURE, DAMN IT

Fie: neeeeeeeeeeeeerd

Elliot: Turbo-nerd.

Fie: lord nerdlinger regnitz-albarea of the nerdlinger province

Machias: DAMN IT DON’T START MARRYING ME OFF WE’RE NOT AT THAT POINT YET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Elliot: Too late, we’ve called Gaius, he’s gonna officiate the marriage.

Fie: he said ‘fucking finally, next we have to get rean and elliot to be a thing’

Elliot: FIE!!

Machias: HA

Fie: it’s true tho, you need to go kiss your husband already, elliot

Machias: SERIOUSLY, I NEVER UNDERSTOOD WHY YOU TWO NEVER ENDED UP A THING, YOU TWO WERE SUPER-CLOSE EVEN BACK AT THE ACADEMY

Elliot: Rean’s not interested.  End of story.

Fie: did you ask him?

Elliot: Don’t need to.  If he couldn’t tell I was flirting with him, or notice where exactly he kept taking me, he clearly wasn’t into me like that.  End.  Of.  Story.

Machias: ELLIOT, WE HAVE ESTABLISHED REAN IS A HUGE DUMBASS IN THIS AREA.  ASK HIM.

Elliot: I.  Said.  End.  Of.  Story.

Fie: ouch, we found a sore spot  :c

Elliot: Look, I just… I don’t really want to talk about this, OK?  Rean’s never seemed super-interested in… anyone, really, and I doubt I’m magically going to be the exception, and I accept that.

Machias: . . . . . . . . .

Fie: …………………………………

Machias: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Elliot: … you really want to say something, don’t you.

Fie: not saying a word

Machias: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . OK LOOK

Fie: oh boy

Machias: I’D ARGUE YOU’RE THE ONLY PERSON HE’S SHOWN ANY SERIOUS INTEREST IN, ELLIOT.  HE TOOK ***ME*** TO THAT DUMB ROSE GARDEN THING FIRST AND I TOLD HIM IT WAS MORE A COUPLE’S THING AND HE STILL TOOK ***YOU*** THERE TOO.  REAN IS AN AWKWARD ***DUMBASS*** ABOUT THIS STUFF, ***ASK HIM***

Elliot: Machias…

Machias: BE DIRECT AND ASK HIM OUT.  IF HE SAYS NO, HE REALLY ISN’T INTERESTED, OK, FINE, GIVE UP THEN.  BUT DON’T GIVE UP BEFORE YOU REALLY TRY!!!!

Elliot: … ha.  Man, you really can’t stop yourself from talking, huh?

Machias: HEY, I MIGHT BE A DUMBASS ABOUT THIS KINDA THING TOO, BUT I’M A DUMBASS IN A STEADY RELATIONSHIP.  I KNOW THINGS SOMETIMES.

Fie: i can’t believe i’m agreeing with him, but for once, he has a point.  do the thing, go get you your man

Elliot: Fie…  Man, you guys…

Machias: DAMN, I THINK THAT’S JUSIS’S TRAIN.  SEE YOU LATER, GUYS.

Fie: have fun on your ‘lunch date’

Machias: OH DON’T START

Elliot: Yeah, later, Machias.  Um… thanks for caring?

Machias: THANK ME ONCE YOU’VE GOTTEN YOURSELF YOUR BOYFRIEND.  BYE!!

[MACHIAS has left the room]

Elliot: … he really doesn’t understand how severe that sounds at all, does he.

Fie: nope

[thestickchick]

This is not the post I was intending to write. You see, I started updating my "Enough with Sensei Scumbag's Shenanigans" post.  I used to have a list of martial arts instructors arrested/convicted of sexual abuse and other crimes of that nature in that post, and I realized I hadn't updated it in a while.  In fact, that list became so long, I decided to create a new post with a better list that I could update in an easier way.

Welcome to your near future, Sensei Scumbag.

That's the post I was going to publish today. BUT. In my research for that post, though, I ran across a web site that had a much more comprehensive list than I had assembled.  By my own independent research, this list is pretty correct, even if it's missing some, notably Ralph Hall.  It's a really good list. At first, I was really excited, as I think such a list is an EXCELLENT idea, so that people searching for martial arts instruction online can make informed choices about who they - or their child - will train with. I think we can all agree that being informed is one way to help combat the problem of sexual abuse in our community, right?  So, I thought to myself, awesome, I can just link to that list and I won't have to reinvent the wheel. Then I started reading more of the site. I won't be linking to that list or that site (not anywhere, including in this post). The post intended for today will stay unpublished for a while. Here's why: The author is one of those folks in certain Christian circles that believes that the martial arts is sinful and you can't train if you're a Christian, because the martial arts is against the Bible and they interpret things like dojo etiquette as non-Christian religious behavior. The author contends that we need licensing and universal background checks to address abuse in the martial arts, to start, but as you read through other pages on the site, as well as his YouTube and Twitter channels, you can see his real agenda really quickly. He wants the martial arts banned.

Used this before, I'll do it again, sorry not sorry.

If you Google it, you'll see lots of debate out there on whether or not good Christians can train in the martial arts, and they can or can't train.  There's plenty of Christians out there who would agree with the author of the site that I'm avoiding linking to. I would point out that this does not appear to be the majority view. We have LOTS of organizations in our martial arts world that are Christian in nature.  Karate for Christ, the International Fellowship of Christian Martial Artists, The Christian Martial Arts Council and The Christian Martial Arts Association are just a few. If you think that the martial arts are an irreligious thing for you to participate in, I can respect your decision.  I think this is an erroneous interpretation of what is happening, I think they don't understand that the martial arts is not a monolith (my style comes from a Christian part of the Philippines after all), and I think they are misinterpreting giving respect to a teacher or a founder of a system. If you feel like it's the right thing to do in your religious faith, by all means, don't train. But BAN it because it's against your religion?  Not in my country, my friend. We don't do stuff that way.

Damn straight, it does!

What really burns my cookies here is that the author of the site I will not link to is actually doing something I think all of us will agree with, but I can't and I won't use his resource because literally every other thing he believes I completely and utterly disagree with. ARGH! Licensing? I wrote about the problem of that (and objective standards) here, and I think that this guy WANTS martial arts training to be way too expensive for most people so that's not a problem for him. Background checks?  Great idea and lots of martial arts schools and organisations are implementing this. BUT I doubt it will have much effect.  When you look up these Sensei Scumbags, most of them had clean records before they were caught. I can think of one notable exception and there's more, but usually these are crime-free upstanding members of the community. That's what makes them so dangerous. Here's the thing - there IS a grain of truth to the criticism he's offering.  He thinks that the very nature of training makes us ripe for cult-like behavior, authoritarian command-and-control leadership structures, and puts us in a position for the abuse of our trust. I noted these very tendencies - and more - in the "Sensei Scumbag" post I linked to above.  I think that our training culture makes it very easy for Scumbags to prey on us, and I suggest some ways to make it harder. BUT it does not automatically follow that therefore, the martial arts community as a whole is inherently dangerous and must be regulated or banned from existence. It'd be like arguing that because a pastor uses his charisma, sales tactics, and authority over his church for personal gain, ALL churches are like that. Or arguing because of the nature of Christian church organization, it's too easy for predators to use the church as a way to easily access - and silence - sexual assault victims so we should therefore ban churches (and it's not just the Catholics, guys, read here). I am NOT engaging in whataboutism here.  I think that any group that has any kind of leadership structure and/or money and power over people will struggle with these problems. This includes The Boy Scouts. USA Gynmastics, team sports of just about every sport you can name (here's ONE example). If there's a group of people that includes potential victims, there are predators using that group for access to those victims. Sensei Scumbag, Coach Scumbag, Teacher Scumbag, Pastor Scumbag, President Scumbag, Mentor Scumbag, Principal Scumbag, Father Scumbag, Boss Scumbag... they all exist. Banning the martial arts, sports, churches, schools, workplaces, etc. won't stop him. If you're a Christian, do you struggle with a conflict between faith and martial arts training? What would you suggest as a way to combat Sensei Scumbag?  Did I give too much attention to a crackpot in the internet? Let us know in the comments!

[straane]

tidus/yuna post x-2 headcanons vol.2

pt. 1   

pt. 3

- previously on keeping up with the besaidians: Gippal plays pranks on Tidus . so anyway. Gippal's respect for Tidus and general opinion on the guy improves tenfold when he finds out he's at least somewhat handy with machina (having grown up in the machina city of Zanarkand). kinda like not every one of us is a computer technician but say we were suddenly whisked into a foreign world with basic technology only recently legalized and a general majority of population afraid to use it – we'd have something to contribute. (also this is canonically plausible – see the machina boss battle on the Al Bhed ship in Luca, where Tidus saves the day by pointing out that they can utilize the crane) like I don't see Gippal offering him a job with the Machine Faction anytime soon, more like Tidus travels with Yuna and sometimes they visit Djose and he'll notice something the workers missed (like in some ‘new’ type of machina freshly salvaged from the bottom of the ocean) or maybe even casually fixes something that's everyday in Zanarkand. (Tidus also knows like anyone who's dealt with a computer ever that sometimes they just need a good keyboard-smash. also see proof in canon.) 

- Gippal's opinion on Tidus improves hundredfold when he, through small details and tidbits Rikku/Cid/....Brother I guess just kinda casually mention, finds out about his history with them and other Al Bhed starting with his very first day in Spira and how he always defended them and treated them like everyone else (of course there's the fact that he was not brought up a Yevonite and thus never brainwashed to hate them but idk if Gippal cares about nuance all that much. but this is one thing that technically earns Lulu the greater credit! altho they shoulda just told wakka about yuna from the very beginning argh)

- also remind me to draw Gippal & Tidus unlikely brotp/teamup art

- let's talk kids. first I gotta acknowledge @leviathkandy ‘s absolutely amazing  headcanon that they might adopt, bc for some reason that never crossed my mind and it's so perfect actually!!! I could very well see some kids orphaned by Sin just kinda starting to hang around them in Besaid (like that cockblocking kid at the campfire that a certain legendary lady obviously sent Yuna's way EXCEPT BETTER. that’s right BETTER. BETTER KIDS.) or maybe they even pick one up on their various travels buuuut point is I could see it happening kinda in a half-accidental/organic fashion? and then developing into a Cloud/Tifa in AC sort of situation without the leaving and terminal illness and angst (sry Cloud you hang in there-bud) 

-  also here 's some highly hypothetical biological Tuna offspring I drew up 

- (in any case all their 25 kids grow up to be amazing and nothing bad ever happens in their lives ever. they always in every situation heed their flawless parents' spot-on advice and respect and adore them 124,7% 24/7. tidus and yuna never age yet grow wiser every-year-and-also-nothing-bad-ever-happens-to-them-either. the end-except-not-bc-they-never-die

- OKAY fine. they do get older. and this silly doodle aside...I kinda see them both retaining their youthful spirits but perhaps in slightly different ways. Tidus of course keeps active well, well beyond middle age and even tho that certainly keeps him vigorous in body & soul, he kinda has a hard time dealing with the inevitable effects of aging and from time to time ends up hurting himself due to constant gross overestimation of his physical condition & capability (I feel like I'm again heavily influenced by if not straight-up copying @leviathkand's  post here BUT IT'S TOO REAL THO). whenever this happens, somehow, inexplicably, defying all laws of physics and likelihood Lulu of all people is always there (while Yuna is always far off somewhere, also bafflingly and against all odds). and so the task of providing first aid (= healing incantations... and sometimes just a bandaid/good scolding) falls on her begrudging shoulders. the pattern repeats so often is sorta becomes a running gag between the Besaid gang (except when he gets seriously injured, which happens a couple of times, then no one jokes around except Tidus) also, imagine middle-aged/elderly Lulu. just imagine. if u dare lol.  

- Yuna, growing into adulthood, after that teen rebel phase important character development sooorta mellows back into her X personality with added wisdom and outspokenness and attention to her own needs. what I mean with "mellowing" is going back to a more poised and... sophisticated presence, I guess? I feel like I'm wording this all wrong, but yeah. basically a combo of her X and X-2 personas, best of both worlds adsdsaf. however when she's pushing 80-90 she regresses (or evolves???) riiiight back to her spherehunter days and starts spouting stuff like "your plan sucks and so does your face" and "oh poopie" while still somehow being the most elegant and well-spoken woman in the whole wide Spira. 

- aaand back to their young and hot selves. there's lots of theories going around about Tidus's identity and origins because of course there would be. literally a nobody out of frekking nowhere who’s somehow both former guardian and s.o. to their beloved High Summoner and a stellar blitzball player to boot? missing for a while? weirdly clueless about mundane everyday stuff yet comfortable with machina? (he’s a sheltered Bikanel-native Al Bhed obvi) some people of course remember him from the pilgrimage but like, did anyone actually pay attention to him back then lol. of course Tidus & Yuna can't just go public with the truth because the story is as bizarre as it is tragic and highly personal to them in many ways too, so they both kinda dance around the subject and make punny inside jokes under their breath that sometimes get quoted as actual answers and the speculation gets wilder. 

- however once it comes out that he's actually Sir Jecht's son (idk why I feel either Cid or Brother would let it slip. or maybe Brother is just anonymously calling up tabloids out of jealousy lol)  everybody just EXPLODES and forgets about everything else. the power couple's popularity instantly climbs to an all-time high, and it’s all anyone talks about for a good few months and then some. howeverrr Tidus is less than pleased. he may have made his peace with Jecht but is still not quite over the man’s former monstrous alter ego and all the suffering he brought upon Spira (if unwillingly). again, their real story is in large part simply too traumatic and too intimate to share

- they totally re-enacted the laughing scene. you know they did. (obviously on that very same balcony in luca) it was an embarrassing failure tho, as they almost immediately started laughing for real and nobody even batted an eye or noticed anything unusual given that not a day passes by that the two don't have at least one shared giggle fit (and at really random stuff too, like the wind when it's nice) also, they were about 50 when this took place. for the 15th time. 

[storyofauke]

heavenlybunny replied to your post “Asami is such a jerk! He made Akihito think he is a burden to him ;-;...”

(3) I bet if he wasn’t in the picture, Asami wouldn’t completely object to Kirishima staying. Yes, it bugged me A LOT seeing Aki look so defeated (I wanted to hug him like crazy), but I can also understand Asami's POV as well. I'm sure Asami wants Aki by his side 24/7, but just not in the current situation.

I don’t understand Asami’s POV. I think for a successful man, he’s not a particularly deep thinker, sometimes, and this is pure macho man crap he’s spouting right now. “Stand aside, little woman, while the real men take care of this!”

Okay, Aki is impulsive and gets himself in trouble. But so does Asami! (I mean, examine the bit in volume three where Fei shoots him. Yes, he went there to save Aki but he waltzed in there on his own with no backup, wasn’t able to take Fei out, left himself wide open. Aki wasn’t in the way at that point. He was in a bound heap on the floor. That was all on Asami who demonstrated that in fact, no, he can’t protect himself even when there’s no one else in the way.

And again, back to the penthouse attack, Aki didn’t get in the way. He saved Asami’s ass and then got quickly out of the way, only refusing to leave because Asami was doing that stupid macho bravado thing again. “No, I’ll just die here like an idiot while you all fly off!” (Yeah, he wasn’t interested in protecting himself then. He was ready to die but now all of a sudden, he’s concerned about liabilities. Urgh.)

This is the world Asami pulled Aki into. Asami should have known that he cannot keep the two separate. He puts Aki at risk merely by having him in his life and then wants to shunt him aside like he’s a burden, without acknowledging that Aki has skills and could be a partner. 

I’m just finding it very hard to follow Asami’s thought processes in this arc. After reading a more detailed summary this morning, I am now not convinced that leaving Aki with Hot Monk was a deliberate move on Asami’s part (as far as Asami expecting that Hot Monk would train Aki in the defensive arts.) I think Asami absolutely wants Aki to stay put. He’s so angry with Fei for contacting Aki and stirring him up. It’s not just about jealousy, when he grabs Fei by the collar.

And then in the detailed summary, it’s quite clear that Fei gets in the way and Asami has to save him! (There’s a missing page in the raws where Fei acts rashly and gets pinned down by two gunmen.) Hell, Fei is the one who leads the bad guys to Asami’s location. But no, it’s Aki who is a burden and a problem and must be hidden away. Argh argh argh! 

Aki has this unfair image as a damsel in distress and when Asami treats him like one, well, it just reinforces it. So I hope this is all going to reach some kind of resolution in this arc because it really needs to be addressed.

Sorry if this sounds grumpy! I have a bad head cold and am hopped up on cold meds, so I probably shouldn’t be posting today! Ha!

[ddrkirbyisq]

You'd think that being unemployed I'd blog more often instead of less often...but I guess it's more just that the days of me feeling like i NEED to say something about =everything= are past.  I definitely remember that stage in high school where I just found it really nice, theraputic even to just type everything out as a way of processing it and to distill any of those leftover thoughts and feelings that I had.  I'd like to (?) think that I am a little bit better at being able to acknowledge my thoughts and feelings as they happen and "let them pass", so to speak.  Kind of like meditating, you know?  Where you don't necessarily feel obligated to act upon every single thought or feeling. Speaking of which, I think I'm really feeling a lot better so far about (not) stressing out about things in general.  Of course there is still an internal alarm bell (or whatever metaphor you want to use) that starts going off whenever I haven't gotten to one or more of my responsibilities for a long time, but I think it's been easier to not stress out about that alarm going off (and trust that I will be able to get to it).  Perhaps more importantly, it's also been easier to manage that alarm in the first place, since I really feel like I am doing a better job of keeping up with things in general now, with letters, music, etc.  Things will never be perfect and my plate will never be fully empty, but as long as I'm making forward progress I'm happy. I did some tai chi for the first time in forever the other day!  It felt nice, just went out to the park after doing some stretching and such at home.  I'm super out of shape of course, but actually not =as bad= as I thought, so that was nice.  It didn't take a ton of time either, so hopefully that's something I can start doing randomly a bit more often.  Though it is a bit less fun doing it alone compared to when it was with others.  But it's sort of fun to be alone in its own way, too, I guess. Worked on a bunch of music stuff today!  Got started on an interesting request to remix Gliding Dance of the Maidens, which took quite some tries to get started on, but I think I'm making headway there, yay.  Also did OHC today, in which I tried to emulate puru's progressive sounds.  I was eh...about halfway successful I think.  I managed to get pretty tight drum sequencing, which I think worked really nicely -- I'm going to have to push this "clean" style of drums more in the future.  I really stumbled on making the proper trance pluck sounds though, something which I feel like I used to be able to do but I guess I've gotten out of practice with it.  After OHC ended I spent some time experimenting with that, trying to get the hang of it not only with the classic 3xOsc synth, but also with Harmor and Sytrus.  I actually might start trying to use Sytrus a bit more often for this type of supersaw sound, as it's fairly easy to get a good unison saw sound out of sytrus and the filters actually work pretty nicely.  Harmor can do it too, of course, but...I dunno, the UI in harmor just feels more clunky and confusing, really.  Both Sytrus and Harmor are capable of doing subtractive synthesis, even though Sytrus is built for FM/ringmod and Harmor is built as an additive synth.  So maybe more Sytrus is in my future when I want to play around with synth stuff...?  Anyways, it felt good to be doing so much work on music.  It's just as well too, since I already have a commission lined up for next month too! Xmas letters are progressing smoothly!  I've gotten 25 of them done, and also took care of some birthday letters along the way as well.  Only 6 more days left!  I still have some of the longer ones left to do though, so hopefully I can schedule them in at good times.  I still have to do my Japanese letter too, which will probably take a while, haha.  Once all the letters are done I have to make sure to not relax -- need to get all the gift shopping done early otherwise deadlines will sneak up on me before I know it... Progressing further and further in Dark Souls, which has been keeping my interest pretty well!  I've also started listening to the Bonfireside chat podcast (that, the "Analog" melee podcast, and Limited Resources for MtG are my 3 podcasts to listen to while driving) alongside my playthrough, which...well, I wouldn't say it's the =greatest= podcast in the world, but it's enjoyable enough, for a drive.  Anyways, the main cleric character (Sayuri) has a bunch of points into Faith and uses lightning spear in addition to the Jagged Ghost Blade (currently reinforced to +4), which fortuitously dropped from one of the ghosts in new londo ruins.  It's just as well too, because we spent a LOT of time down in those ruins fighting those ghosts wayyyy before we were supposed to...we ended up clearing the ENTIRE area out and got confused because there was nowhere else to go (turns out I had just completely missed the door to the lower undead burg, argh).  Anyways, it's been serving really well, as it's got really nice base damage AND procs a nice bleed effect as well.  The only thing is that it doesn't do too well in narrower spaces or against short or flying enemies as it mainly has horizontal slash attacks, so occasionally we'll switch to the good ol mace (one of the better weapons in the game actually) and use those vertical attacks to smash things. The jagged ghost blade doesn't have much scaling, so eventually we'll replace it with some sort of divine or just regular reinforced dex scaling weapon.  Our scimitar is currently a divine scimitar although we haven't needed it yet (once we go into the catacombs, I guess?), and we just picked up a falchion so that could be a candidate.  Some sort of katana would actually be great -- apparently there is an Iaito somewhere in blighttown that you can get to by jumping to a platform, so maybe that, if we end up going back there.  I might just do some backtracking through blighttown (ugh) anyways, as I'm sure I didn't get everything there.  I actually also should go back to the lower burg since I apparently completely missed Griggs there, lol. Anyways, we actually made our way all the way through the depths, through blighttown, and beat quelaag, rang the second bell to presumably unlock sen's fortress (?) and are now near the ruins of chaos.  There are quite a few different directions we can explore go at this point, though I guess sen's fortress is the next real progress area (?).  There's no shortage of unexplored areas, at any rate, as there's the bridge in valley of drakes that i don't know where it goes (shortcut to somewhere?), there's the crest of artorias door which I don't know where it leads to, and a bunch of stuff in blighttown probably.  There...is certainly a lot of stuff in this game, lol.  Also, we accidentally killed the Chaos Servant guy guarding Quelaag's sister, whoops!  Didn't see the option to talk to him since I was holding my shield up.  Fortunately that doesn't really matter all that much in the grand scheme of things, just sort of unfortunate.  Wish somebody had left a message there that indicated something about that dude though.  We also missed beating Kirk in the sewers -- didn't realize he was an NPC to be beaten.  Whatever, there's no way to expect to get everything right on the first playthrough. My second character is a sorcery-focused int build, which is a drastically different playstyle, as she gets to really nuke things with hard-hitting magic attacks, but it requires a different set of tactics as she's sort of fragile and the magic takes time to cast, so it's tricky sometimes to find a good window of time to fire them off.  I've beaten the Gaping Dragon with that character, so next is to head down to blighttown. Third character is sort of a lolzy one, just focusing on strength and two-handing huge weapons.  I haven't played with that one very much at all, I think I only beat the taurus demon so far.  Don't know if I'll continue, though it does seem funny to just hold really huge weapons around haha. Cleared a Space Alert mission successfully for the first time in about 3 years, which was fun!  Really gotta keep your wits sharp to succeed in that game...it's still fun though. I've started playing through Hollow Knight as well!  In earnest this time, as the last time I tried I didn't get very far at all.  Currently just got to the Fungal Wastes...man, a LOT of attention and detail went into the art for this game, it's pretty insane how fully-featured all of these environments are and so far the different feel of all the areas is coming across really well.  It's been fun so far. Things that are coming up (a.k.a. things that I have to get done, lol)...besides stuff that is not really worth mentioning (getting my flu shot at some point), I actually still might want to do a short post-mortem for Bath Time, lol.  Speaking of which, there's a pretty annoying touchscreen bug, so (sigh) I probably will try to fix that up and make a new mobile build for it.  At SOME point I'll have to try to actually get back to development on Rhythm Quest, though it is certainly intimidating since there is so much that needs to be done there.  Besides all the content, I want to redo how the map screen works entirely if possible, maybe the main menu as well, but also have to make a calibration screen of some sort, etc etc etc. For anime, Inuyasha (lol) is on hold at the moment, but I finished off Evangelion for reals (yay).  I didn't expect the ah..."change of direction" at the end of the series to be so...SUDDEN...but thinking about it, it makes sense.  For some reason I expected that to start happening earlier, but it really was compacted into the last little bit.  Anyways, now I'm making my way through the latter parts of Onii Sama e...which has had some quite nice episodes.  I don't really know what to say about it without having to explain a lot of other things about the anime, so I won't really bother, but it has been good. Not much melee these days, but one thing that is exciting is that Rishi and KJH made it into summit!  Woot!  Should be a good lineup!  That's pretty exciting. Also been catching up on going through random music that I've got backlogged on my drive, including Chronology (jazz rearrangement album of Chrono Trigger, it's pretty nice!), as well as Harmony of Heroes (super smash bros giant rearrangement album) and the Final Smash extension (those two didn't have that much that was to my liking, but a few things here and there were nice).  As I said, it just feels nice to be making progress on things.  I even went through all of my accumulated deviantArt notifications the other day, haha.  I'm actually trying to get back into my habit of using my little batch script to open up a bunch of websites every morning for me to check for updates!  Anyways, all of these things feel great to be going back to.  I should also be putting out my "Monthlies" release for this month relatively soon too!

[darkot]

I... am immensely pissed off right now.

I feel like I start every one of these entries like that, but... GOD DAMNIT!

For a year.. an entire fucking year, I had been meaning to make a Phoenix Wright painting with Edgeworth and Von Karma as the subjects and post it on December 28th, 2016--the date of the final in-game case--as an homage to the amazing game series that I fell in love with earlier that year. And I fucking missed it.

You can’t comprehend the deep seeded rage that stirs inside of me as of writing this. I just.. holy fuck, dude. I have no words.

It’s not just that, but a lot of other stuff going on that has been incredibly frustrating. I literally just realized the whole missed painting thing moments before writing this. That was just icing on the anger cake.

I worked for about 7 or so hours on the next storyboard for the film project I’m working on. Nothing inherently went bad with that, it’s just... my lack of speed is showing. I’m only billing the guy I’m working for, for 4 hours, because at some point I need to concede that it is my own lack of skill that caused it to take as long as it did. Granted, it was a very complex board. But still, it’s just.. argh.

I just finished watching the last dubbed season of One Piece last night, which was the final episodes before the time skip. Even though I already adored that show, that season was fucking astounding. I would go on to praise it further, if it wasn’t for this seething wrath that is currently dominating my mind.

The general theme towards the end of the season was that all of the main characters recognized that they needed to get stronger to tackle the challenge ahead of them: The New World. It was strangely coincidental because that’s a lot of how I’ve been thinking lately. Not that I need to get stronger in the physical sense, but.. I want to hone my skills further. I need to get better if I want to go where I want to go in the world. As of right now, I’m too weak.

Another thing that’s pissing me off: I ordered two art figures back in November, and they still haven’t arrived. Figma Archetype: He, and Figma Archetype: She. I figured that they would help a lot in drawing those story boards. But so far, they haven’t helped at all because they haven’t arrived! It is t-minus ten days until I can complain about it to the site I bought it from. I already tried emailing them to ask if they could contact the shipping company and make sure that it left Japan, to which they essentially told me to fuck off until 60 days had passed. So, I’ve been waiting.. and waiting... and waiting. And nothing. The tracking info for this type of shipping only has four entries. When it is processed in Japan, when it has left Japan, when it has arrived in Canada, and when it has been delivered.So far, it has gone through the first two.. but it apparently “left Japan” on the 16th of November. So, if the tracking info is to be believed, it has been in transit for nearly two whole months. That.. seems rather unlikely. But okay. January 15th. It’s still got time. Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and it will be delivered? I’ve been saying that to myself every day for the past eight weeks. But maybe tomorrow will ACTUALLY be the day.

Don’t even get my started about Overwatch. Again, nothing inherently bad has been going on with it. I ended today at 3070, which I’m pretty okay with. But the last match before me and my group ended really got under my skin. Or rather, somebody on the enemy team did, which I honestly don’t care to admit. 

We were on Lijiang Tower. They were playing Reaper. I was playing Reaper. I was absolutely decimating him when we 1v1′d during the match. However, they ended up winning that round, so that gave him ground to start trash talking out of saltiness. Then, during the second round, I concede that I did absolutely nothing. Their team was too coordinated for me to be effective, and he won most of our encounters. So, he pushed it further and just kept goading me and goading me. I was honestly getting really annoyed. At this point, I hadn’t said a single word to him, but he was just making this a dick measuring contest. So, I switched to Pharah. At that point, I was absolutely slaying. I started the third round with 11 kills and ended with 37. I landed two direct rockets on an enemy Pharah that I don’t even know how I hit. For the second one I had to turn around 180 degrees and aim up above me.. it was weird that I was able to instinctively predict that, that is where they would be. I just trusted myself to land the shot and got it. From the kill cam on their end though, they must have though I was using some sort of bot, haha.

We won the next two rounds, and then it was tied 2-2. At this point that guy had all but shut up because we were making a big comeback. And in the final round, I choked. Fucking hard. It was a very close game. We had 90% on the point, they had 99%. At the very end, they started to make this last push. Their Pharah came in, and she had a Mercy pocketing her. Even though I had been doing insanely well up to that point, something about that just made me.. panic. I don’t like fighting a Pharah+Mercy combo as a Pharah without a Mercy. I am confident in Pharah vs. Pharah battles. I don’t like Pharah+Mercy vs. Pharah+Mercy, but I can deal with it. But Pharah+Mercy vs. Pharah is the worst thing as the lone Pharah. That said, I definitely had a disproportionate reaction. I saw the Pharah with the Mercy beam on here, and something in my brain said “I know, I can win this encounter my ulting them. I ult, am immediately two shot and downed by the damage boosted Pharah, their team capitalizes on the pick, rest of my team goes down, and we lose.

Nobody says anything. Not even that dickhead Reaper from earlier. But I have been beating myself up about that ever since it happened three hours ago. That could have definitely been a win. Perhaps we were going to lose no matter what happened, but I more or less sealed our defeat with possibly the worst ult that I have ever done in Overwatch. I don’t know what I was thinking. I had this sense of needing to carry because the other DPS wasn’t doing a whole lot. I guess my brain went “If I die to this Pharah+Mercy, we’re done for.” Talk about your self-fulfilling prophecy... god, that was stupid. I ended with 49 elims, which frankly is pretty decent. I was doing well that game. Up until the very end. But that’s just.. not good enough. I don’t settle for doing well and then messing up. It’s extremely aggravating to me. It sucks when it is somebody else who makes the mistake, but when I’M the one who throws the game, that feeling of failure is the worst..

So, mark that as another display of inadequacy today, along with how long it took me to finish that picture.

Though this hasn’t just been today, I’m having writers block when it comes to a character for that AQ3D series I’m working on. That has been bugging me for a week now. But DING DING DING, we’ve got three! That’s three areas that I’ve done shitty in lately! Do I hear four? Well, I haven’t streamed in over a month either because I still haven’t worked out the “second entity” idea.

I don’t know, man. My mind’s just feeling so polarized right now. Technically, I’m getting shit done. I finished a storyboard. I went up about 60 SR in Overwatch today. I am two lessons away from completing one of my school courses. But.. it’s just not good enough. That board shouldn’t have taken that long. I should have went up 90 SR today. I should already be done those final two lessons.

Like.. fuck, man. I.. I just want to get to a point where I’m satisfied with how I’m doing. People are right when they tell me that I’m my biggest critic. But that’s why I draw, and that’s why I play Overwatch competitively. To prove something to myself. That I can make a picture that I consider beautiful, or to reach master rank. Whenever I take on a challenge such as these, or entering an art contest (which I haven’t done in years at this point o.O), or auditioning for a voice acting role, or accepting my friend’s offer to do storyboards for the film series.. it’s to prove to myself that I can do it. That if I put my mind to it, that I can accomplish this, because my mind is great. That if I try my heart out, that I can succeed, because my heart is strong. But time and time again, I only end up disappointing myself. I always get in reach of that horizon, but always fall short. My family has always told me that I make them proud, but.. I haven’t ever managed to make myself proud.

The worst part is seeing my potential, and not reaching it. Like that 180 upwards airshot on that Pharah. That is possibly the craziest thing that I have ever done in Overwatch (I really wish I was recording/streaming, so I had it saved =/). Or the painting I did of Notch that blew up on Twitter (not in terms of skill, because that picture was god awful. But in terms of the response people had to it). Or getting 10 Twitch followers in 2 days. Sometimes, I feel like such a one hit wonder.

Aside from individual ambitions, I worry that it taints my overall dreams too. The other day, a friend on my team was going through a rough time. They were really down on themselves because of things their family was saying about them, and because of their own personal opinion of themselves. I gave a pretty long speech to them in our Discord text channel to try and lift their spirits. This, was that message: “It's not that big of a deal, Wild.. I was below 3000 just a couple days ago. Hell, I think I dipped into the 2800s last week. SR will fluctuate. Wildly, at times (hue hue). It's natural. 

You can't let your Overwatch rank be a measure of your personal skill. In-game, or out-of-game. Back in season 1, I was determined to reach top 500 because I wanted to prove to myself that I was capable of doing it. That if I really set my mind to it and tried my heart out, that I could reach that goal. What I came to realize though, was that competitive Overwatch is one of the worst things to base any sort of personal merit on. At the end of the day, it is a team game. No matter how well you do, you alone can not determine the outcome of a game. It is a collective effort made by all 6 people. This is even true when you are playing with us. Sometimes, we'll be having a bad day. But you can't let that make you think that it was your fault. You're only one man. 

Likewise, sometimes you'll be having a bad day too. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with this. Everybody does. We can even have a bad week or a bad month. But no matter what's going on, whether it's on your end or you're having a stroke of bad luck with team mates, that still doesn't say anything about you, or what you are capable of. 

Through sheer will, you can do a lot of things. Single handedly winning a comp match is not one of them, however. That's like trying to win a football game on your own. It just doesn't work without teammates that are also on their A-game.

IRL, you aren't a failure either. You're only a failure if you give up. But we're all here. We're all trying our best each and every day, and that's all that anyone can fairly ask of you. Nobody has all of the answers and goes through life without a single bump in the road. All of us, even our predecessors, blindly walk forward and just.. try. Sometimes it doesn't work out. Or, sometimes, our best efforts at accomplishing something are slow. But that's FINE. Millions before you have gone through the same, and millions have come out of it alright. 

 "Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished." - Lao Tzu 

No matter what's going on, I know you're doing fine, Wild. People may judge or criticize--even those close to us--but as long as you're taking one step every day (doesn't matter if it's forward or backward), then you're doing your part. Be kind to yourself.”

I was worried that the others wouldn’t be too happy about the wall of text, but the response was overwhelmingly positive. They were all telling me how brilliant and beautiful what I wrote was. (One even said to remember them when I’m famous, which was really out of nowhere o.o) That was one of those periodic reminders that I have the ability to change minds. Something in my delivery, or the way I speak, or the way I act makes people listen to me. I’ve made bigots think critically, I’ve made the pessimistic dare to hope, I’ve made the fearful test their courage. But, in this instance, the one person who I was trying to touch with my writing, the friend who was having trouble, didn’t respond positively. It did not seem to lift their spirits much at all. Once again, another example of seeing what potential there is, and not quite meeting it.

That’s the type of thing that makes me fear that I won’t succeed in my dream of changing society for the better. It seems like, no matter what it is, I am always one step short. What if my work doesn’t touch the lives that I’m intending to? Maybe it too will fall short of achieving greatness, as its creator does.

God, Herman Tech messed me up. This is like.. a psychological scar from that experience. I see more failure in myself than I know is there in reality. I just.. want better, for myself.

In a lot of these situations, it feels like it’s me, holding myself back. That if I could let go and be more expressive in my artwork, and trust my instincts when taking shots in OW, and just.. generally be me, totally uninhibited... that I could accomplish so much more. But, for my whole life, I have put on faces for people. I adapt my personality to whoever I’m talking to, so we both have the smoothest interaction possible. At this point, after doing that for so many years, I don’t know who “totally uninhibited me” is. I have a VERY vague sense of that. But I’ve been out of touch with myself for a long time, now. I’ve developed my philosophies and thoughts, but I’m still very distant from my soul. My being. That’s a large part of the discord that I’ve felt stirring inside of me. I think too much, but I really don’t know how to do anything else.

Well, tomorrow’s another day. Maybe those figures will arrive...