#i have sooo many finals to study for rn... i should be studying Right now..... i cant wait for second semester to start! | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

neocityarchive · 5 years ago

Text

blind love | l.m.k.

— in which mark lee is so much more than just your best friend but you were too blind to realize it.

word count: 7.2k | warnings: light swearing | blind love - lola young |

a/n: i didnt mean for it to be this long but i hope you enjoy!!!

“Just friends,” Mark said, his voice still steady even in the growing tension of the moment. “That’s all you said we are, right?”

Your head dropped down to look at your hands, not knowing what to say. The overbearing guilt of rejecting his sudden confession was crushing your chest that it became painful to breathe.

“I’m sorry, Mark,” was all you could say. You forced yourself to meet his gaze through your already glassy eyes, wanting to let him know the sincerity of your words.

He smiled kindly, shaking his head. There was sadness in his eyes. And in all the years you two have known each other, you could tell how hard he was trying to hide it. “It’s okay. That’s all we’ll be.”

You bumped your head repeatedly against your study table in an attempt to rid yourself of the memory that’s constantly been playing in your head.

It was a Sunday which meant there were no classes, which meant the university was closed, which meant that you couldn’t even make an excuse to see your best friend Mark who somehow, after almost three years of friendship, suddenly decided that it was a good idea to tell you he loves you more than a friend should love a friend.

You couldn’t say it happened out of nowhere. He’s been saying he has something important to tell you for almost two weeks before the incident but every time you confront him about it, he always makes up some lame excuse to dodge. It took a lot of self-hate for yourself and a nice amount of his protective instinct to finally make him spit it out.

He came to your apartment that night, finding you barefaced, wearing a pair of sweats and one of his hoodies that you stole some time ago. From that he already knew you weren’t okay. You like wearing his stuff to seek some sort of comfort. Somehow, the smell of his clothes helps calm you down.

You were supposed to help him finish a report but you couldn’t concentrate after getting a below satisfactory grade on a major exam. College has done nothing but give you a shitload of insecurities lately and this just pushed you off the edge. The only thing that has been keeping you sane was the knowledge that you had someone who you can run to at the end of the day. Someone who is willing to listen to your rants and would do almost anything to cheer you up.

That day, however, none of Mark’s usual encouragement worked on you. He was getting frustrated hearing you downplay yourself because of a single exam. You started going on about how stupid you felt, how staying up all night to study did nothing but make you ugly. Mark countered every insult you threw at yourself, throwing in a few jokes here and there, all of which you ignored. But when you went on about how all of this made you unworthy of anything, how no one could possibly love you in this state, he just couldn’t take it anymore.

“I love you,” he snapped, cutting you off from your long self-deprecating speech.

“You’re my best friend. You’re supposed to say that,” you whined, clearly missing the point.

Mark, on the other hand, was barely holding it all inside. He ran his hands through his hair and sighed. “No, idiot. I love you. Stop saying no one could love you, because I do. And not just because you’re my best friend.”

It wasn’t until you noticed his hands were quivering that you realized what he really meant. Looking back on it, you couldn’t help but hate yourself. You were sure it took a lot of his courage (and frustration) to come clean to you like that, and you couldn’t even take him seriously at first.

“Mark, no,” you remember telling him.

“I do. I hate that I do, but I do.” He looked away. “I love you and I know you’re feeling burdened right now, but you don’t have to say it back.”

A part of you broke that day. You hated rejecting people after having gone through several rejections yourself. It’s the worst feeling. You always wished there was a way you could always return people’s feelings just so no one would get hurt, but the universe just doesn’t work that way.

You muttered about a hundred sorries to which Mark replied a hundred ‘it’s okay’s. Maybe it was meant to make you feel better, but it just felt like your heart was getting ripped off your chest.

Mark didn’t stay long after that. You didn’t even get to help him with his report. He said sorry for suddenly dropping the L-word and you said sorry for not being able to say it back. He smiled sadly and it took your everything not to cry. He asked if he could hug you and you didn’t even answer. You just went straight into his arms, burying your head in his chest like you’ve done so many times before, breathing heavily to keep yourself from breaking down. And when the two of you pulled away, he insisted on being alone for a while. You said okay followed by another sorry.

You didn’t know “being alone for a while” meant ignoring you for god knows how long. You see him at uni but he wouldn’t even meet your eye. Even when you share the same class, he would choose to sit as far from you as possible. Once, he entered a cafe you were in and upon seeing you inside, he immediately turned around and walked away.

He’s ignoring you and he isn’t even being subtle about it. Mark Lee could never be subtle about anything, not even his feelings. You really were just too blind to realize anything.

Even other people saw how he felt. People used to come up to you all the time and ask about your “boyfriend” Mark. Sure, you would blush, shy that people thought you’re in a relationship with your best friend. When you explain that you weren’t actually dating, you would get the same shocked reaction every time. One of your friends even said you acted more like a couple than most people in a relationship do. You always thought it was just because you and Mark were such good friends.

“Friends don’t hold hands in public,” you remember Renjun saying.

“We don’t hold hands. He just grabs me and drags me to places,” you said defensively.

“And they don’t hug each other and stare at each other’s eyes while talking about pizza,” Jaemin scoffed.

You just rolled your eyes at them. It never crossed your mind that maybe they were right. You and Mark have never acted like how friends should. Maybe it’s the reason why you’re in this mess after all.

You sighed to yourself. You miss him. You can’t even pretend that you don’t. He’s become such a huge part of your everyday life that you couldn’t just ignore the sudden empty space he left when he said he wanted to be alone. You know he needed time to be by himself. But a part of you keeps holding on to his promise that even after his confession, you two would still be friends. And friends text each other, right? So all your attempts at communication depended on just that.

Thursday, 5:31 PM

You: wanna go watch a movie? i’ll buy the tickets.

Mark: cant. i have an exam tomorrow. sorry :/ maybe next time?

You: oh. okay. goodluck on your exam :)

Friday, 2:21 AM

You: [photo] this is possibly the cutest cat photo i’ve seen in awhile

Mark: that’s cute but dogs are still cuter

You: … okay?

Mark: go to sleep, y/n

Friday, 12:03 PM

You: i know you dont have class rn. have lunch w me?

Mark: oh i already ate with jaemin. sorry!!

You: it’s okayyyy :>> i’ll see u later? it’s friday night sooo we can hang out.

Mark: idk the boys already asked me to go out tonight

You: oh okay have fun!

Saturday, 6:54 PM

You: maaaark

Mark: y/nnn

You: [types] i miss you kajdhfhdksjdh [deletes]

You: nothing haha wanna grab some coffee?

Saturday, 7:01 PM

You: nvm haha have a nice nighhhttt

Sunday, 10:21 PM

You: hey can we talk

Mark: ???

You: please?

Mark: ye what about?

You: you said we’d still be friends

Mark: lol aren’t we?

You: this isn’t how friends talk to each other. i miss having an actual conversation with you.

You: we dont even see each other anymore.

Mark: i literally reply more to u than i do to jaem wdym haha

You: wow fine okay

Mark: ?????

You: i guess i deserve that haha

Mark: im tired y/n. night.

You: :( nighttt

You checked your messages for the nth time, reading everything as if something was gonna miraculously change with the cold conversation thread. Your fingers have been hovering over the keypad, typing and deleting ‘i miss you’ and ‘talk to me’ for about a hundred times already.

You don’t get why you can’t just say it. What’s so wrong with telling your best friend you miss him? Why is it so hard to press send? Why are you suddenly so afraid of how he would reply or if he would even reply at all?

It was only 10:30 in the evening. You know for sure Mark is only lying about going to sleep. He never sleeps this early unless he really is tired. He does nothing on Sundays so he can’t possibly be tired. Sundays are usually just the two of you hanging out in his apartment or yours, just to watch movies or study together. So what did he do today?

“Stop thinking about him,” you grumbled to yourself. “It’s just Mark. He’s a big boy, he can handle himself.”

But that’s not the point, a voice inside your head said. Just tell him you miss him.

You typed it again, ‘I miss you,’ but deleted it as soon as it was finished. Again.

You’ve spent everyday with Mark that it suddenly hurts to think he’s enjoying the time you usually spend together alone. It’s crazy how you can’t stop thinking about how his day went or if he’s okay or whether he’s eaten or not. You know how stubborn he can be. Sometimes, he’d get so engulfed in whatever he’s doing that he would accidentally skip meals unless you remind him otherwise.

“Fuck this,” you muttered to yourself. You figured you won’t ever be left at peace if you don’t do anything about whatever you’re feeling, so you decided to text Jaemin.

Sunday, 10:52 PM

You: jaeeem hi :)

Jaemin: y/n!!!!! hello :>

You: sorry for bothering you but have you talked to mark lately?

Jaemin: im talking to him rn haha why? you want me to ask him something?

You: not really hahaha how is he?

Jaemin: haha why not ask him yourself

You: he doesnt wanna talk to me lol pls just answer

Jaemin: he’s stubborn as always. he wont listen to me.

You: why, what’s he doing?

Jaemin: idk but it’s definitely not talking to you ksjdjkd

You: … very funny

Jaemin: sorry lmaooo he’s running on an hour or two of sleep everyday

You: jaemin!! why won’t you scold him?

Jaemin: we do! he just doesn’t listen. u know he only listens to you.

Jaemin: idk why you guys still arent together lmao bunch of idiots tbh

You: we’re just friends

Jaemin: rlly? oh btw mark hyung is looking for his save the bees shirt. did u see it anywhere?

You: yeah he left it here like two weeks ago when he slept over

Jaemin: LMAOOO DOESNT SOUND LIKE FRIENDS TO ME CHIEF

You: i fckingskjfhfn hate you

Jaemin: HJSJSHHDJD ok but seriously tho mark hyung is fine. just give him time, he’ll come around.

Jaemin: he misses you but u didnt hear it from me

Jaemin: ok bye he’s getting suspicious now lol

You: idk how you’re both an angel and the devil at the same time

You: anw thanks jaem. dont tell him i asked about him lol byeee

You sighed, putting your phone down in surrender. Your mind was more of a mess now than it was before you talked to Jaemin. You hate that he makes sense especially about the weird, more-than-friendly dynamics of your relationship with Mark. But more importantly, your head was beginning to be overfilled with worry.

Mark runs on barely two hours of sleep everyday. No wonder he always looks so out of it whenever you see him in the hallway. You wanted to call him, to tell him that he should sleep already, to remind him that he shouldn’t overwork himself, that doing just enough is okay. But you know he doesn’t want to talk to you. The cold replies and the ‘????’ were more than enough to tell you that.

Still, you figured it was worth a try sending him a little reminder. So you grabbed your phone once again and typed a message, revealing a little more of your emotions than you intended to. And before you could even think twice about it, you hit send.

Sunday, 11:04 PM

You: hey i know you’re still not asleep. dont worry, you dont have to reply to me. i just wanna tell you that you should take care of yourself. i know you. you’re stubborn and sometimes you won’t sleep or eat unless someone reminds you to so,, this is me reminding you haha. stop overworking yourself mark, please? you cant be sick cause i cant take care of you since you wont talk to me… lol jk. but seriously, get more rest (and talk to me,, hahah jk again unless u wanna ;)) please go to sleep now. goodnight. see you around i guess.

You stopped texting Mark after that. You wondered if he would find the initiative to talk to you first if you didn’t start the conversation. Now, two days have passed and your sleep reminder remains to be the last message on your conversation thread. You couldn’t say it didn’t hurt. You were hoping for at least a small thanks but didn’t get anything at all.

You were starting to get more and more frustrated as the days went by. It’s so unfair that you are slowly losing your best friend because of this. It’s unfair that you can’t even be mad at him because you just broke his heart. You wished there was any way you could have changed what happened, but the past remains to be written.

That afternoon, you passed by one of the cafes you and Mark always go to. You went inside, suddenly craving their special banana muffin which he introduced to you some months ago. The owner recognized you right away as you came up to the cashier.

“You’re not with your boyfriend today?” she asked.

You felt your heart skip a beat and not in a good way. It hurt. You figured there was no use in explaining since she probably won’t believe that Mark is not your boyfriend so you just smiled sadly and answered, “No.”

The lady somehow talked you into buying two muffins so you can bring one to your “boyfriend.” After handing her your payment, you realized maybe that wasn’t such a bad idea. Mark always brings you stuff whenever you’re mad or upset. He knows exactly what you’re craving for even before you knew you were craving for it. Why not try if it works on him?

As soon as you headed out the cafe, you whipped your phone out to text Jaemin, asking if he knew where Mark was. It’s Tuesday, his most free day of the week so he could be anywhere. Jaemin replied not after five minutes.

Jaemin: not sure but he mentioned something about the library??

You: okay thank you!

From that, you knew exactly where Mark is. There was a small patio-like spot beside the library that he likes going to. Not a lot of people utilize the place since the tables and chairs are almost always filled with dried fallen leaves from the surrounding trees but Mark likes the thought of being close to nature.

That day though, there were more people around the area than usual. It was lunchtime so most people were out of the classrooms. Still, it wasn’t hard spotting Mark. It has never been much of a challenge finding him in a crowd of people. You saw him as soon as he came into view, sitting by the table on the corner under one of the ginkgo trees. He had his laptop open and a box of food beside it. His eyebrows furrowed in concentration one moment and then he was laughing the next.

You were about to make your way towards him but immediately stopped in your tracks when you realized he wasn’t alone.

You didn’t know who the girl was. You’ve seen her a lot of times in class and in the hallway. You even have a vague memory of Mark talking to her one time. But you never really bothered to learn her name. She had that soft, innocent look that goes so well with her shy smile. She had her hair tucked in her ears to show just enough of her pretty face. She was beautiful. Unconventionally but undeniably. But none of that mattered.

When she said something with a smirk and Mark let out his trademark laugh, nose scrunching, hand repeatedly hitting the table, shoulders shaking and all, it felt like something punched you in the stomach. He uttered something in reply and now both of them are clutching their sides for laughing too hard.

He looks happy, you thought, I should be, too.

But you aren’t. You continued watching their exchange, him showing her something on his laptop and both of them laughing once again. Your chest felt heavy, like something was sitting on it and now it hurts to breathe. You didn’t realize you’ve been clutching the plastic bag containing the muffin too hard until you felt the sting of nails digging on your palms. You knew you should look away but you couldn’t. You wanted to run towards him. You wanted to tell the girl to scooch over so you can sit beside Mark and give him his muffin.

This is pathetic. I should be happy for him, you said to yourself. But why am I not?

You wanted to be angry, to scream and say that it should be you he’s laughing like that with. To say that it’s you he should be spending his time with. You wanted to ask if he still feels the way he said he does about you. And if he does, then why this? But you remained glued to the ground.

You hated how you were being selfish. You rejected him, remember? So why do you expect him to follow your tails like an intoxicated mad dog? Why can’t you be happy at the possibility that he found someone that feels the same way he does? Why does it… hurt? It’s not supposed to. If you really are friends, then him being happy with someone after your rejection should make you happy as well. If you really are friends, then you shouldn’t be standing here looking stupid, watching them from afar, wishing he’s with you instead.

“What are you looking at?”

You jumped at the sudden disruption, almost dropping your muffins. “What the hell, Jaemin?!” you whined, finally looking away from Mark.

“Mark hyung and Mina?” he snorted.

So that’s her name. “No,” you lied, forcing yourself to take a step away, then another, then another.

“Are you jealous?” Jaemin teased. “Have you finally realized you’re also whipped for our hyung?”

“No,” you grumbled.

“Then why are you almost crying?”

You blinked. You didn’t even realize the tears pooling in your eyes. Why are you being like this? “Shut up. I’m not.”

Jaemin only shrugged. “Fine. Torture yourself, then.” He smirked. “By the way, Jeno and I are inviting people to our place this Friday after exams. Just some drinks and maybe karaoke, I don’t know. We all deserve a break from hell. Wanna come?”

You didn’t reply. Your mind was too preoccupied with other things.

“Mark hyung is coming,” he said. “Maybe Mina too.”

“I don’t wanna go,” you said immediately, suddenly coming up with a decision.

The boy laughed. “You are jealous! God, I love it when you prove yourself wrong. You shouldn’t be though. You already know he likes you.”

“I’m not jealous! Stop it,” you whined, really wanting to cry this time. Everything is so frustrating and Jaemin is not being of any help. You wanted to go home and just wrap yourself in your blanket and maybe one of Mark’s hoodies.

“Then come to our place this Friday. It’s gonna be fun.” He grinned.

“Fine. Whatever. Just get away from me, you little shit,” you said, kicking him lightly in the butt.

You didn’t know if it was a lie or not but if Mark really is seeing someone now, you just didn’t like the idea of seeing them flirt with each other in front of your eyes. Even the thought of it makes you want to pull all your hair out. Is that considered jealousy? If so, why are you feeling it for someone who’s supposed to be just a friend?

Thursday came and you found yourself crying after realizing the shirt you’ve been wearing the whole day was Mark’s. No wonder he looked surprised seeing you in the hallway. He looked away immediately though, acting as if you weren’t there. It didn’t even cross your mind since you use this shirt quite a lot.

After calming yourself down, you put your playlist on shuffle and cried some more after Friends by Ed Sheeran started playing. You didn’t even realize how fitting the song was for your situation until now. Mark probably did.

You remembered him singing that song once. The two of you were just lounging in his apartment. He was playing his guitar while you pretended to study when in reality you were just looking at him. You watched as his fingers plucked and strummed the guitar strings while he softly mumbled lyrics, head bobbing to the tune. He’s good. Unsurprisingly, since he’s good at everything.

When he realized you were staring at him, he turned his head slightly to meet your eyes, one side of his lips curling up into a smirk. “No, my friends won’t love me like you do,” he sang.

You looked away, your cheeks heating up almost immediately. It was hard to focus on your readings when he’s sitting right in front of you looking like that, singing like that. You sighed. He truly was never being subtle about how he felt.

After finishing the song, Mark put his guitar down and laid his head on your lap, not even bothering to ask if it’s okay. That’s how comfortable you were with each other.

“What are you doing?” You remember whining.

“Wake me up after 15 minutes,” he said, already closing his eyes. You took a photo of him that night. He’s cute when he’s asleep. Even cuter when you look at him up close.

Of course, you just had to search your camera roll to find the photo. When you did, it felt as if a storm was raging on your stomach and a gorilla was pounding on your chest. It never dawned to you just how much it hurts that he suddenly left you alone until that moment.

“Goddamn, I miss you so much,” you muttered, looking at his peaceful expression in the photo.

And then you cried some more. You feel lost.

All you wanted to do was curl up in his arms and inhale his scent and listen to how his day went (and maybe accidentally fall asleep together). It sucks because you really had no one else to turn to. The single person who has always been your safe place doesn’t want to talk to you and even if he did, you really wouldn’t know what to say. Perhaps friends really aren’t like that. The thought of everyone being right when they said that maybe you and Mark were never really just friends has never been stronger than it was tonight.

Still, you couldn’t be bothered to sort your feelings out.

He feels like home, you thought. It was the best way to explain the sense of comfort and safety and the feeling of being more than enough that he provides you. It’s the only thing you can think of when your mind drifts to how he is always the constant person that you run to at the end of the day. But friends can feel like home, too, right?

Not to this extent. Not really.

Friday. You found yourself aimlessly roaming around the neighborhood after your classes in the hopes of distracting yourself from your feelings or whatever the hell they’re supposed to be called. You wouldn’t have remembered Jaemin’s party if you didn’t happen to pass by their apartment building.

You stood in front of it for two solid minutes, contemplating whether to go or not.

Mark might be there, you thought. With everything that’s going on in your head and with all the mess happening in your chest, would it really be a good idea to see him? You thought maybe all these things you’re feeling are just a result of missing him. All these sadness and confusion might just be because you miss your best friend.

So you entered the building. You told yourself that you’ll try talking to him again this time, no matter how stubborn he’s going to be. And if it still doesn’t change anything, then you will take it as a sign to let him go. If not forever, then at least for now.

You reached the door to Jaemin and Jeno’s apartment. Even from the outside, the sound of the bass can already be heard. You wondered how long before the neighbors would file a complaint against them, but knowing Jaemin and Jeno, their neighbors are probably inside, partying with them right now.

Before entering, you looked down on your chest just to make sure you were wearing your own shirt and not Mark’s. It didn’t feel right wearing his stuff anymore. God, it really felt like you just broke up. Why is it like this?

You took a deep breath and opened the door. There were already a lot of people inside even if it was just 8 in the evening. Most of them, you know the faces of. You smiled to greet some and muttered a hi to others.

Renjun spotted you as soon as you came into the living room. “Y/N!” He grinned, handing you a cup of god knows what. “Jaemin said he invited you but we were all pretty sure you were gonna ghost us. But you didn’t!”

You laughed hesitantly. “Thanks, I guess?”

“Drink up. It’s a cocktail I made myself,” he said proudly, almost forcing the cup into your mouth.

You took a sip, figuring it won’t do any harm but you spat the liquid back to the cup as soon as it touched your tongue. “What the hell did you put in this?”

He shrugged. “Honestly, I don’t know. I just mixed in everything I could find. Thanks for trying it out though. I’ve been looking for a volunteer for five minutes already.”

You frowned. There were a lot of things you were unsure of at the moment but there is one thing that’s certain: you have weird friends. You were about to complain to Renjun when he plucked the cup from your grip and went on to find another victim, not even bothering to listen when you said you literally spat on the cup.

Mark didn’t seem to be anywhere. The apartment wasn’t that big so if he was here, it would be easy to spot him. Maybe he decided not to show up after knowing you were coming. And honestly, part of you was relieved. As much as you wanted to talk to him, you still didn’t know what to say.

I’m sorry I broke your heart, but I miss you so much and I did a lot of thinking and maybe we really shouldn’t be labeled as just friends but I don’t know if I love you, is that okay? That’s just stupid. This whole thing is stupid.

You wanted to leave. Parties have never really been your thing. You usually just go because Mark asked you to since he loves interacting with people. But you figured you needed some alcohol in your system, mainly as a distraction, but also to give you a boost of courage just in case. So you made your way to the kitchen, avoiding eye contact with anyone as much as possible.

You stopped in your tracks as you came to the kitchen. The sound of that laugh was all too familiar.

Great, you thought. Mark was there. And Mina was too. But so were Jeno and Jaemin who exchanged looks as soon as their eyes landed on you. They were all laughing about something before you came.

“You’re here!” Jaemin said a little too enthusiastically in a poor attempt to address the sudden increase of tension in the room.

“Hi,” you said, smiling sheepishly, purposefully avoiding Mark’s gaze which you could feel boring into you. “Just gonna get a drink.”

“Help yourself,” Jeno said. Jaemin smirked beside him.

The refrigerator was just beside Mark. Just great, you thought again. You walked towards it, desperately trying to ignore the four pairs of eyes following your every move.

“Excuse me,” you muttered, still not looking at your best friend.

Mark took a step sideways before opening the fridge for you. You muttered a quick thanks before grabbing the first bottle your hands landed on, not even bothering to check what it was. You really just wanted to get out of there. Maybe the talking to Mark plan was flawed from the beginning because you clearly can’t find the courage in you to face him now.

Beside you, Mark clicked his tongue. He was so close that you could smell his perfume mixed with a bit of alcohol. It made your knees weak.

He took the bottle from your hand and put it back before grabbing a different one and handing it to you. “The other one had vodka. Vodkas give you a headache, remember?” he said in a slightly annoyed tone.

“Oh.” Your voice sounded small even to your own ears. Not gonna lie, you wanted to cry at that moment. “Thanks.”

You could hear Jaemin snickering behind you but you couldn’t bring it in yourself to care. You turned to everyone and said a quick goodbye before dashing out of the kitchen.

Your heart was beating hard and rapidly and not because you moved too fast. You didn’t know why but it hurt seeing Mark like that, like he was okay, like nothing changed with the two of you. It hurt knowing that even after everything, he still knows you the best.

You wanted to run. You wanted to disappear. But you couldn’t leave without passing by the kitchen. Somehow, you know someone in there would stop you. If not Mark, then definitely Jaemin. But you really wanted to be alone. So you resorted to the next best thing. You whipped your phone out and sent Jaemin a text.

You: thanks for inviting me to this party. now i feel like shit :D

Jaemin: IM SORRY BUT DONT LEAVE YET TF

You: i need to be alone and i cant leave without passing by the kitchen and seeing mark. so pls let me use your room for a while.

You: i wont do anything i promise. i just need to calm down.

Jaemin: fine but dont lock the door

You: okay thanks

The door to Jaemin’s room was at the other end of the apartment. You made your way through the noisy crowd, slipping from Renjun’s weird gimmicks when he tried to make you a victim once again, before finally reaching the quiet confines of Jaemin’s room.

The thin walls barely blocked the noise but at least there was no one else here. You sat at the edge of the bed and placed the beer bottle on the floor. You forgot you didn’t even manage to open it. So you just stared at your feet, trying to catch your breath even if you didn’t do anything. That heavy feeling on your chest was back again. It was now associated with being in Mark’s presence.

You started counting to ten to calm yourself down before burying your face on your palms, breaking down into sobs as soon as your forehead came in contact with your fingers. “God, why can’t I just…” you cried, “... admit it to myself already?”

You wanted to thrash around in the bed in frustration but you thought Jaemin didn’t deserve such a mess so you settled with getting up and lightly banging your head against the door. It’s a bad habit you do when you feel annoyed or frustrated. Mark has always been reminding you to stop before you hurt yourself.

Mark. Again. You groaned, hitting your head a little harder this time.

Someone knocked on the door making you stop. You took a step back, thinking you just imagined it. But there it was again.

“Someone’s here,” you said, trying to hide the sound of your voice breaking.

“I know. Can I come in?” It was Mark. There was no question.

Your heart started pounding on your chest once again. You wanted to tell him to go away but you couldn’t find it in yourself to do so.

He took your silence as a yes. He swung the door slightly and poked his head through the small opening. Your hands immediately flew to your face to hide the fact that you’ve been crying.

“You know, I came in here because I didn’t wanna see you when I pass by the kitchen if I leave then you come here making me look like a clown,” you said, your voice muffled by your hands.

Mark chuckled softly. “Why didn’t you wanna see me?”

You didn’t reply. Your face felt hot, not just because of the tears that just won’t stop falling but also because all the blood has come rushing to your cheeks.

Mark grabbed both your wrists and gently lowered your hands down, trying to see your face, but your head bent down as soon as it wasn’t covered. “Y/N, look at me,” he said, hands still on your wrists.

“No.”

“Are you crying?” The idiot crouched down to have a glimpse of your face making you whine and cover your face again. “Last I checked, I should be the one looking brokenhearted around here.”

“God I hate you,” you mumbled. “You ignored me for nearly four weeks and you come in here just to make fun of me.”

He let out an empty laugh. “Well, you did break my heart so…”

At that, you removed your hands from your face to look at him. You were going to say sorry but Mark had that smug look on his face that made you want to punch him. It was almost convincing if you weren’t so good at reading the real emotions in his eyes. His expression softened upon finally seeing you properly.

He looked away, not being able to hold your gaze either. That just confirmed how hard he was trying to keep up with the exterior he was showing everyone.

“I’m sorry,” you said, voice breaking.

He sighed. “I told you. It’s okay.”

“But it’s not,” you cried. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I didn’t realize how easy it was to misread what we had because let’s face it, we don’t act like ‘just friends.’ I’m sorry because I was too blind to see how you felt even when you weren’t really trying to hide it. I’m sorry because even though I rejected you, I was so selfish that I still wanted to keep you for myself without realizing that you probably needed to be away from me to move on. I’m sorry because…” you swallowed.

Mark was just looking at you, eyebrows slightly raised in anticipation of what you were going to say next. You missed him. You missed that cute face of his. You missed being in his presence. You missed his voice and his laugh and how he loves teasing you even if he probably feels like shit inside. You missed everything. Four weeks have been too long without each other. Four weeks is too long without your best friend. Four weeks is too long without your home. And that’s when you realized…

“... I can’t let you go. And I might be too late, but I’m sorry that I only just realized why.”

“Why?” he asked.

It was a simple question. Why? Yet it managed to carve out every single feeling you’ve ever felt for this boy. Every little moment he made you laugh. Every small heartbreak you get when he fails to keep his tiny promises. Every single night you ‘accidentally’ fell asleep next to each other. Every ounce of fulfillment you get when you finally convince him to sleep after a long day. Every goodnight. Every good morning. Everything.

“I love you,” you said. It sounded almost like an exhale.

For a moment, Mark didn’t reply. Your head immediately started swarming with unwelcomed thoughts. Maybe you were too late. You almost forgot about Mina who he seems to be having an excellent time with. Maybe he managed to move on within those four weeks. It’s possible, right? You had your chance and you missed it.

Finally, Mark let out a laugh, his head falling down to look at the floor. “I told you you didn’t have to say it back,” he said, voice soft.

You shook your head. “I’m not saying it because you said it first,” you said. “I realize this might be the worst timing but I just thought you should know you weren’t the only one being stupid enough to fall for their best friend. I was just too dumb to realize that that’s what it was.”

“Why would it be the worst timing?” He frowned.

You felt like crying again. You really wish you had some alcohol in your system right now. Why is this whole confession thing taking so long? “‘Cause you’re dating Mina? Or trying to. I don’t know. I tried not keeping tabs on you because our friends are assholes who wouldn’t stop teasing me. She’s pretty, by the way. You two look good together.”

Mark laughed again. It was raw and real this time, and god, the way your chest tightened in endearment at the sound was so pure. “You thought me and Mina are dating?”

“Aren’t you? I’ve seen you guys together a lot.” Well, once. But you tend to overestimate things.

“No!” He snorted. “Jaemin and I are trying to get her and Jeno together. If anything, she made me realize that we definitely aren’t just friends.”

“Really?” Now you just feel stupid. But what else is new? It’s all you’ve been feeling lately. Come to think of it, Mark and Mina didn’t even come close to how you two act with each other.

“Really,” he said. “Friends don’t stay at each other’s place and cuddle with each other just to fall asleep, Y/N. Besides, I said I love you, didn’t I? Did you really think that’s just gonna go away that quickly?”

“Mark, I can’t even sort my feelings out. How am I supposed to figure out how yours work?” You sighed.

“Fine. Just to be clear, I still love you. Even if you don’t, I love you,” he said, taking both your hands and placing it on his shoulder before putting his on your waist.

“But I do.”

“Say it then.”

“I love you. Even if you’re the dorkiest person I know, I love you.” Your fingers tangled themselves in his hair. You’ve run your hands through his hair so many times before. You wondered why it never crossed your mind that you liked doing it not because his hair is soft but because you were sucker for the domestic feeling of it.

Mark couldn’t stop himself from smiling that he had to bury his face at the crook of your neck. “I’m not used to this, sorry.”

“Me neither,” you laughed.

When he finally composed himself, he pulled away just enough to look at you. All those times you’ve stood this close before does not even compare to how it’s like right now. This is the perfect mix of feeling new but familiar.

“You have no idea how many mornings I fought the urge to kiss you whenever we wake up next to each other,” he said in a soft voice.

“Well, nothing’s stopping you know, is there?” you muttered, eyes fluttering to his lips.

You pulled Mark down by the neck as he pulled you closer to him, your lips finally connecting. The idea of kissing him isn’t new to you. There were so many times before that you’ve found yourself inches away from his face and slamming your lips together wouldn’t have been such a bad idea. But this is the first you actually kissed him yet he felt so familiar that you were almost sure you’ve done this a million times before. His lips were soft against yours that it made you weak in the knees. If he weren’t holding onto you like he was, you probably would’ve crumpled already.

The two of you pulled away, breathless.

“Wow,” he breathed. “That didn’t even come close to how I imagined it would feel like.”

You laughed. “This whole night didn’t come close to how I imagined it would be like. I thought you were gonna keep on ignoring me. And honestly, I wouldn’t know how to cope anymore because I really, really miss you already. So thanks for saving me.”

“Stop making me blush. I don’t know how I can possibly love you more than this.”

You rolled your eyes but you couldn’t stop yourself from smiling. This was only one of the very few times that the reality went better than your expectations. But then again, maybe you and Mark have always been meant to happen. It was happening even before you realized it was. And now that you finally managed to sort how you both felt, there was no more wasting chances.

“Do I still have to ask you to be my girlfriend?” he asked.

“We’ve literally slept in the same bed so many times. I’d be more surprised if we’re not dating already,” you joked.

Mark grinned. “You’re literally the only one who didn’t realize that until today, but it’s okay, I still love you.”

You laughed. “Wanna go outside and pretend we didn’t make up? I’m 100% sure Jaemin betted on us.”

“I worry how your mind works sometimes, Y/N,” Mark said with a frown before kissing you on the forehead. “But let’s do it.”

You smiled. You’ve said it a lot but you really missed this proximity. You missed being able to hug him whenever you want, and now you can kiss him whenever you want too. You wanted to say you could get used to this, but the thing is… you already are.

#y/n is a clown here read at your own risk #BUT PLS ENJOY CAUSE I DID #dhjdkjfhdfk i should stop writing about mark #nct au #nct imagines #mark lee imagines #mark lee #nct mark au #nct prompts #nct blurbs #soft nct hours #sad nct hours #nct fluff au #nct angst au #nct dream au #nct 127 au

947 notes · View notes

yostresswritinggirl · 4 years ago

Note

Cuz of ur 💜 anon and the other anons, I have ABTA a shot... and WOW I wish I read that sooner??? So goddamn perfect istg I want mooooorrrrrreee!! Yesss plz update ABTA whenever u can!

I had a question tho, why tf are readers parents so mean, like didn’t they like Crepus and Diluc? They were with Diluc for over 10 years and yet?? They push reader away from him

Also will reader ever comfort Diluc properly over Crepus and Kaeya? Will she hear the truth about Kaeya? I feel like Kaeya is at crossroads but he’s really not to blame like who tf abandons a CHILD and let’s the hope of a country on him poor thing, he’s sooo conflicted! Mona in her readings even said one day he’d have to choose, and I dread that day because it’s obvs how much he loves mond and protects them

Can I scream at how GENUIS it is that u had Diluc hide the infinity promise ring under his gloves?? And she only found out when he pulled her back?? That whole scene is *cheff kiss*

OH OH and when he was watching her from the Sumeru tower and she felt like someone is watching her!! And he got the envelope! AHHHHH! I love you and your writing forever ❄️

FINAL ASK FOR THE MORNING SKSKSKSKKS SPEEDRUN, SPEEDRUN -

ABTA is one of the works I'm very proud of and I'm glad you guys are finally seeing it ahaha, it's gonna get more soon like, probably the next major fic after the one I'm working on rn

There are many aspects to this that I wish to rant over since there's many instances: They didn't inform Reader of his death because they knew it would be detrimental to her studies, and she's already working her ass up to lrove her worth, putting more stress to her would not be healthy and they plan to explain it once she comes home. The part by the end of part 2 is for her as well, because in their dwelling in Fontaine, they still think Diluc is gone and most probably dead. They didn't want their child to stay there drowning in double loss and heartbreak, wanting to console their daughter in a place far from bad memories.

The thing about Kaeya is, well, not gonna be out anytime soon or at all. It's a piece of information Reader doesn't need to know, and since Kaeya has a bit of fondness to her it's not the ideal scenario for anyone. Kaeya will keep her in the dark and he trusts Diluc wouldn't say a thing. I have a lot and not a lot of thoughts about Kaeya's prophecy but I'm not tackling that here.

AS FOR THE MOURNING, this is something I imagined perfectly and then forgot about the details when I WOKE UP- Post Trauma Diluc is not gonna be easy to work with, anon, and he has a different viewpoint that's gonna make this harder than it should. Consoling him is not easy because spoiler scene here: Whenever he looks directly or longer at Reader whenever she's all smiley, he always sees the image of his father like an imprint seeing as he always sees younger Reader and Crepus together in the earlier chapters, right? *wink wink nudge nudge*

I honestly FORGOT how I thought of that ending ahahah but I again had an explanation for it aodhsosnls he hid it ever since his freakin four years roadtrip to protect Reader <3 he had to keep it secret so that the enemies he encounter wouldn't look for any weakness, he ended up hiding it out of habit after coming back to Mond, and as you can see he's very touch starved and sensitive with physical interaction cuz of his compounded defense mechanism. Him finally reaching for your hand is a first step into finally getting his comfort, and it just so happens to be the step needed to pull her back uwu

Now that part was OUT OF THE BLUE kind of thing haha, I wanted to just make the letters rot in the mansion but I was like - isn't Diluc going on a field trip type of shit all over Teyvat? That was gonna be a diff scenario featuring creepy boy Lulu but I held back, just to make sure he's in character.

OKAY SORRY SWEETIE I RANTED TOO MUCH JUST AAAAAA I DON'T GET TO TALK ABOUT THE DETAILS THAT MUCH BECAUSE I DONT WANNA IMPOSE *BANGING FIST ON TABLE* I'M SO EXTRA

#anon ❄️#about abta #about abandoned by the altar #diluc #kaeya #genshin impact #about writing #DEETS DROP HAHAHAHA #exile.goblet #exile.circlet #genshin impact x reader

24 notes · View notes

baijingting · 3 years ago

Note

hey it's z anon!!! i've been away from my computer for the past couple of days so i couldn't reply right away BUT !!! v belated congrats on ur last day for didactic classes & exams!! i hope everything goes smoothly w the year of clinical practice and studying for boards!! i also got my grades back for the semester and did WAYYY better than i thought.. my semester gpa was 3.9 smthn which makes my cumulative 3.64 :D okie backkk to drama talk,, omg is there a reason you didn't watch s1 of yumi's cells?? i feel like it's kim goeun's best work..even above goblin 😅but yess please watch it for jinyoung.. his character is sooo sweet and i alr know a spoiler for how the webcomics played out so i'm looking forward to how the s2 will work! my other most anticipated is link!! like link, why her, and yumi's cells?!!? ahhh so exciting.. also have you been watching from now on showtime? i don't see many talking abt it and it's very underrated imo. clear communication btwn characters w great acting >>> and comedic plot while also being able to be serious ??? it's so good.. really. confession: i still didn't finish to my star 1... my friend lovesss it though so i should give it a second try... also THIS WEEK'S EPISODE OF PLUS AND MINUS.. NO ONE TOUCH ME... it just keeps getting better i'm <33333333333 so PLEASE continue when you have time and lemme kno ur thoughts!! also you haven't led me astray so far so 😋 i think we can just acknowledge that you have good taste! and idek w xu kai she just says he seems like a robot when he acts and that he has a funny face .. both non logical reasons to dislike him but she's a bit pretentious anyways 😳sh**ting stars.. yh.. such a shame w such a good cast too... and our blues.. the teens got MARRIED. like wha..what.... ure right the anti-abortion plot was way too strong and i'm honestly just watching it rn so my mom can have someone to talk to abt it. lap.. i am still on ep 7 but everything is so <3 esp since the secret got revealed and it (imo) wasn't that bad. idk how an accidental injury became bribery though 😕the otp of miss crow & mr lizard <333 i still haven't finished it.. i think i'm only on ep 23 still bcos i'm slowing down .. i want to savor the drama :)) sucks to hear the ending is rushed tho :( ALSO watching one spring night FINALLY and jung haein and han jimin look so good together :OO still nothing beats han jimin and nam joohyuk imo...also KINNPORSCHE THE WAY KINN APOLOGIZED NOT ONCE BUT TWICE.. i mean i kinda would've liked porsche to be upset longer but at least it wasn't as bad as in the novel... OH also alchemy of souls is airing in june?!? what the heck.. june is really my month for kdramas. also v unrelated but what music do you like? i feel like it would be fun to leave recs for each other !! so i'm recommending the albums jújú & the flowerbug by sunni colón & bismillah by peter cat recording co.!! sorry for the long message and i hope you're having a great weekend - z anon

thank you and CONGRATS right back at you! that's definitely something to be proud of ❤︎ you worked hard and you deserve it! I didn't watch s1 because I wasn't really into either of the actors (but ahn bo hyun and me don't vibe for whatever reason idk). I watched through all the gifs tho! so I know what went down and I've heard of the spoilers from the webtoon too. ohhh link! I want to watch that too, jingoo and gayoung look good together, I hope it delivers. I'm not watching now on showtime, I know at least eon of my moots is tho so I watch through her gifs. jin ki joo looks soooo cute in that drama tho, glad she's getting that. ahaha to my star I admit can be a bit slow for some people but they really were very cute together, their chemistry was very natural and comfortable. I caught up on plus and minus yesterday!! will admit I fast forward all the scenes of the second couple but I'm looking forward to developments between our lead besties. (also for someone who was trying to hide the box with the charm fu ligong was doing a very poor job at it alkdfj). SHUT UP THEY GOT MARRIED!?? DLFKJ the way they went from 0-100 so quick. the whiplash. lmfaoo at your friend I can't even be a hater because honestly sometimes it just works like that. I feel like you can hate/dislike people (esp celebrities) for really no reason and as long as you're not being a public menace about it's all good. as for LAP the hatred was really uncalled for SMH and junyoung could've just stayed in Spain I didn't need her to come back and ruin all this wonderful progress we've taken so long to get through. ONE SPRING NIGHT the superior haein drama. they were the softest little family of three, all the other trash men in that drama could choke tho. As you could probably tell from the onslaught of gifs I made, episode six of KP really was something else!!! we finally got communication and it was delicious. I literally had no idea alchemy of souls existed until I saw luni's pretty caps of it on my dash. my music taste is random obscure indie-pop/k-pop/k-indie and then a little bit of this and that that spotify recommends me lmfao. I'll def check out your recs tho ❤︎ to pick a couple artists from my playlists: gaho, lucy, flor, vinyl theatre, the band camino, gentle bones.

#asks #anon #answered #<3333 hope you're having a lovely day #random tmi of the day is that my brother Brough covid into the house and now I'm positive too :(#so I've just been isolating and making gifs in my room lakdjf

1 note · View note

hella-free-space · 8 years ago

Text

This one’s for you, Kahlia!

dope name btw (please let me know if you’d like your name removed from this post, tho!) note: words that are underlined are links! click them! :D

“When I first started DOZENS of people here told me the only way to cycle that didn't take months was to put already cycled filter media from a different tank into my filter. I finally have access to that so I did so, and now I have people telling me that doesn't make any difference and I'm wasting my time. I've also had people tell me conflicting info about using bottled bacteria - some say it's useless others swear by it.”

- Seeding a filter vs Instant-cycling: Using seeded media from another tank! On the bottled bacteria debate, this snippet from this post explains it pretty short and sweet:

“Bottled Products. Ok, more sorta complicated stuff ahead. Most bottled products do not contain nitrosoma and nitrobacter, but instead contain heterotrophic bacteria, which have a reasonable shelf life and much higher reproductive rate than true nitrifying bacteria which are autotrophic. Their drawback, however, is that they are not nearly as good as breaking down ammonia as true nitrifying bacteria so it takes much more of them to do the job. Many if not most of these products do not work. Either they do not contain the right kind of bacteria or it is dead.The only products that work to my knowledge are: Biospira (Now Dr. Tim’s One and Only and Tetra Safestart), SeaChem Stability, and FritzZyme TurboStart 700. Keep in mind that heterotrophs cannot truly cycle an aquarium and should only be used as an aid to deal with ammonia spikes.”

“Also water changes. Some have said take out 20% every day, others have said leave it because the tank won't cycle if I'm doing water changes.”

- What water changes are and why we do them Now that you know we perform water changes to remove excess nitrates from a *cycled* aquarium, you need to know when to do water changes during cycling and when not to do water changes during cycling. There are two types of cycling: fishless cycling and fish-in cycling. With a fishless cycle, you start out with a non-cycled tank, but then add the ammonia source manually. The ammonia source could be liquid/bottled ammonia or it can be a panty-hose stocking full of fish food! You have to keep manually adding ammonia and checking your tank’s parameters so that you can track where your tank is in it’s cycle. You don’t want to do water changes because you’ll be removing ammonia and nitrite. if you do that, you’re removing the things that your nitrifying bacteria eat, which may result in some of the bacteria colony dying off (if done regularly/frequently) and increasing your cycling time. - Fishless Cycling from Dr. Tims (i hear a lot of people use dr. tims ammonium chloride) - Fishless Cycling from Aquariumadvice.com - What is cycling? How to cycle your tank by @scalestails - How to fuckin do the thing by @lokittyofcatsguard - Cycle your tank! by @jayce-space With a fish-in cycle, you start out with a non-cycled tank, add fish, and the fish acts as your source of ammonia that feeds nitrifying bacteria (there are 2 kinds of nitrifying bacteria that help keep your tanks cycle going: one turns ammonia into nitrite, and the other turns nitrite into nitrate) as they colonize. Because ammonia (and nitrite) are toxic above 0ppm, you have to do toooons of water changes to keep the ammonia and nitrites as low as possible (usually .25ppm or below) until you start to see lots of nitrates but no ammonia or nitrite (a cycled tank has parameters of 0ppm ammonia, 0ppm nitrite, Xppm nitrate). - Fish-in cycling explained here!

People have told me to use Indian almond leaf for my fish's health. But then others have said the drop in pH caused by the leaves will inhibit bacteria growth.

Indian almond leaves produce tannins, which are great for bettas! The tannins do help to decrease the pH (great for someone who might live in an area where the tap is 7.8+) and they do have antibacterial properties. Alder cones and driftwood (especially malaysian driftwood holy frick) also produce tannins. There are different types of bacteria, and many people have “teawater” (i believe they’re also called blackwater? someone let me know if thats wrong) tanks where the water is so brown from all the tannins that it looks like tea! These tanks can still hold a stable cycle, tho, so I’d assume that the antibacterial properties of the tannins won’t harm the nitrifying bacteria that perform the nitrogen cycle in your tank! :D (if anyone has anything to add to this section, please do! i dont have time rn to look into which types of bacteria are affected by tannins or how much tannins have to be in the water for there to be any major antibacterial effect, etc.)

Some people have urged that I use Prime. Others are saying not to cause my tank won't cycle with all the "extra chemicals"

Why we all love prime: it lasts forever and its more than just a conditioner! it removes chlorine and chloramines (most dechlorinators remove chlorines and some heavy metals, but I’m not sure if all dechlorinators also remove chloramines) and neutralizes ammonia, nitrites, and nitrates for up to 48 hours! To those saying that prime will stall a tank’s cycle because of all the “extra chemicals”: they may believe that because prime neutralizes ammonia and nitrites, the nitrifying bacteria that are growing in your filter may not be able to “eat” any of that ammonia or nitrite...since its been neutralized (kind of like equating using prime during a fishless cycle to doing a water change during a fishless cycle). however, prime doesn’t break down these substances entirely, it just binds to them until the bacteria in your filter can “eat” them! Also, you have to use more than the recommended dose (prime is safe to dose up to 5x the recommended amount) to ensure that it binds to excess ammonia and nitrites in the tank. (this forum post and this forum post discuss this further)

I feel like everything I do, I'm being told I'm doing wrong despite it only being under the advice from the same groups telling me that in the first place.

Yeah, i feel that. big mood. it’s really hard being a beginner especially, or researching a new species because there will always be conflicting information out there from hobbyists and even between well-known websites. there are just sooo many fishkeepers out there with sooo many different experiences that don’t explain the advice they give out. what works for one person may not work for another because one person may be keeping cichlids and large tanks and another person may be keeping nano species in very small heavily planted tanks -- and even just between those two situations, their tanks will cycle differently (partially because extremely heavily planted jungle tanks may go through a “silent cycle” but that’s a whole other thing). they just give out advice on this or that without stepping back to consider what their personal fishkeeping background is, to consider what your fishkeeping background is, to ask for more details about your setup or your situation, etc. i think that a good rule of thumb is to ask questions to anyone who’s giving you advice. if they can’t tell you why they’re giving you a certain piece of advice, then they might not know exactly what they’re talking about. ask them for more information if they give a one word answer. bonus points to anyone who provides scientific evidence, articles, etc. to back up their claims!

SO WHAT IS THE TRUTH? because I've tried almost EVERYTHING people here and on other fish forums have told me and NOTHING has worked. I have spent hundreds of dollars buying countless products and 5 months of my time following confusing and conflicting info. And my tank is still not cycled and my fish is still dying. My next step is to just buy a whole new set up or give my fish away and forget about it

hopefully the links i gave and the things i explained above helped to clarify THE TRUTH for you somewhat~ if you EVER need ANYTHING, please don’t hesitate to message me, either through this tumblr blog (hella-free-space.tumblr.com) or through facebook!

Also, i definitely encourage you to make a tumblr and join #fishblr and/or #bettablr (tumblr communities involved in fishkeeping and betta-keeping!). Everyone here is pretty much on the same page about information and advice we give out to less knowledgeable keepers and share amongst ourselves. We’re big fans of providing “whys” to the advice we give and quite a few blogs here regularly cite scientific studies or research during discussions! We’re a community who cares deeply about animals (especially our fish!) and we do our best to put their needs first! Lots of people post regularly about their own fish / aquariums and get help from the community. Our community includes both hobbyists and professional aquarists (those who have experience with conducting research and/or working at an aquatic facility) and we all love to learn!

-- If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to leave a comment or reblog below! If I’ve made any mistakes or you feel that corrections should be made to any of the information give in this post, don’t hesitate to leave a comment/reblog or send me a message to discuss it! --

#fishblr #bettablr #kahlia #this one's for you!

20 notes · View notes

survivorunfinishedbusiness · 7 years ago

Text

Episode #5 - "Either I Bash My Own Head In, or I Wait To Get Sliced Open."- Kori

https://survivorunfinishedbusiness.tumblr.com/post/175657274028/announcement

https://survivorunfinishedbusiness.tumblr.com/post/175657392678/immunity-challenge-6

Of course. Of-FUCKING-COURSE of all the people Dani could send home, it was Anna, thank god it wasn't Timmy, but still holy shit. Like she had a freaking idol in pocket, why the hell couldn't she have just flopped. I need her gone TODAY. Like I'm tired of having to worry about this punk. I'm losing my cool I know, but for the love of god, even that whole tribe agreed it was her time to go.

What in the actual fuck just happened???? Dani calls me out in her idol speech saying I'm gonna go, and then fucking votes off Anna. I still have just a blank stare on my face with my mouth wide open just because I'm that shocked. I'm pissed because Anna was someone who I could really trust and I'm going to miss having her in this game. I'm glad Dani's idol is gone and it means that she did find it at Summit 13 because I was told something had been there and she was the only other person checking the Summit at that time. I really should have said something to Ryan and Anna about that and I regret not doing so. But I can't regret it for too long because I just have to keep moving forward and hope for the best at this point.

When Hurricane Dani destroys your number one ally in this game

Hurrah! Exile Island and also a huge strike against my game. I am ecstatic to be assured a spot in the Final 14. But there are a LOT of downsides to Exile Island. Firstly, I miss out on whatever tribe I end up with's dynamics for 3 days. Everyone will assume I have an advantage now, whether I do or not is irrelevant, perception is reality in this game. Lastly whichever tribe I join is likely to be the weaker tribe as they are the ones who lose this challenge, so its a tribe that might just go to tribal again. WHICH MEANS that I'm even more likely to get sent home, especially if it's a live challenge which I'll be unable to participate in since it'll be in the middle of the week and during my work... I feel like I'm in between a Rock and a Giant Saw Blade, and it's either I bash my own head in, or I wait to get sliced open.

https://survivorunfinishedbusiness.tumblr.com/post/175660820633/immunity-results-6

Talio wins immunity sending the new Audax tribe to tribal council.

I finally have a chance to breathe in this game. I am so thankful for Ryan for finding so many links. I'm actually really happy with how I did in this challenge, especially after the last one, because I found like 11 of the links. Also only the 4 people who just came from Audax are the only ones who found links so really even if we didn't swap we would have won this challenge.

Another day on Exile. I'll be joining Audux, which is the tribe I preferred, but at the same time I still worry they may be thinking. Kori has an advantage from Exile. OR they might already have a majority that I can't become a part of due to joining late. It's tough, and I dunno what the future holds, but I can only hope that with my excessive planning and studying of how people have voted and previous tribe relations, I can find the cracks I need to make it to the merge and beyond.

https://youtu.be/Eqm9_6_j4M0

after tribal #5

Well... I'm still alone on Exile, and I've had a lot of time to reflect on the game I've been playing, I feel like I haven't been active enough with certain people because I now find myself constantly worried in these swap scenarios, if I ended up on the other tribe, I'd likely be drawing dead, which isn't a good thing to be doing since I was on a tribe with half of them on some point or another. It's frustrating, and I realize I need to make a greater effort for change, which I'm gonna do once I re-enter the game, maximize my socialization as much as I can.

well I've gone to like every single tribal council besides the first one. And it sucks ass wow i hate it. Well In this game i have been in more allainces than i hav ever been in before so i guess thats fun . I have Bullies R us (all members still in game ) which is Me, JUlia, RTP, and isaac then i have OG Vindicta (all present) ME, Julia, Isaac, and John. Then im also in FAb Three (all present) Me julia and John then im in Sexy can i (not all present) which is me RTP and ANNA <3 RIP a legend. Well now i want to make an alliance with Andrew and Isaac bc isaac told me he is close to andrew and if i get the locked down ill be aligned with almost everyone on my current tribe other than Nathan and Colin. O ya going to tribal tonight. im hoping that nathan gets voted out bc i think he knows alot of ppl in this game and he is very well connected. Also he hasn't talked to me much at all which is kind of concerning. But i think i hav the votes for him to leaeve. I hope he doenst hav an idol. but if he does and if he plays it i think hes going to be voting out colin bc Julia told him that is who the vote if for. SOOO ya HOPEFULLY IM HERE FOR ANOTHER ROUND AND I CAN WIN AN IMMUNITY BC DAMN THIS IS EMBARRASSING.

so i feel ok... i think. i’m like 99% sure that nathan is going and i feel bad bc i love him but hey.. it ain’t me. i’m pretty sure the vote isn’t me because i have a feeling isaac will always want to vote with blake and blake tells me what he’s doing so to get majority against me, isaac and andrew would have to start it just bc i feel really close to colin and john. i even think if we lose again i’ll be fine.. any who i’m going to sleep to avoid talking to people and hope blake makes sure everyone is in check

So, we stan this swap.

Dani popped off and people will see her as an easy target, but if I get my way I would like to keep her around a bit since I think she’ll trust me.

I think I have enough connections on this tribe to keep me safe if we lose, which is good because I think we are super close to merge and my ass needs to get there.

Ok I’m at a conference so bare with me. Honestly rip Anna I miss that bitch. But this swap seems pretty good for me...I think Timmy and Kevin will still think I’m with them...obvs I’m still with Dani....and then I know Jake and bodhi so I need to try and talk to Nicole but she’s not really around...if I had to vote rn I’d go for her...it’s been real y’all

So I guess the vote is just supposed to be Nathan? Idk because people aren't really talking but I guess there's a group of Isaac, Julia, Blake, and Coffey deciding who they want out and it was allegedly between Nathan and Colin but they landed on Nathan.

But now Nathan mentioned to me he wants a group of me, him, Julia, and Colin? But I don't see that group being made. Idk wtf is going on. I don't wanna have to lie to Nathan but I wanna get in the good graces of the majority group to establish myself into some better footing.

So right now I just wanna play off that I'm a 5th to the majority 4. Isaac knows I'm doing this. The other 3 don't. Isaac says he has Blake for sure and we're trying to see how much we can trust Julia and Coffey.

ahhHHHHHHHHHHH. I've been so busy the past 2 days and we have to deal with tribal. I'm doing last minute scrambling currently to make sure no messy shit is happening. every person I've talked to said it's a cut and dry vote on nathan?? so like??? nice?????

I hope its true lmao

Jake and I are in a good spot strategically, and we've got options. There's Dani, but there's also Ryan + Timmy. We need to figure out how to keep both groups in.

I’m so happy to be back with Blake. This round we had an original Vindicta alliance of me, Blake, Julia, and John Coffey and even though Nathan’s been having a bad time we decided he’d be better to send home because he’s more social and less boring than Colin (Noah Fence) and has more connections. I was apprehensive about sending him home at first but like he came here to play and that’s just part of the game, he’s a threat and he needs to go. Sorry buddy. Andrew told me that Nathan was trying to round up a 4 consisting of himself, Andrew, Julia, and Colin. It’d be stupid of Julia to flip and alienate herself and I have Andrew on lock so unless Nathan has an idol I think he should be going.

https://survivorunfinishedbusiness.tumblr.com/post/175727865523/tribal-council-6-audax

Nathan is voted out by a vote of 6-1. You can find his preseason interview here.

#episodes

0 notes