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summerofsnowflakes · 4 years

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Every time (Rafael Casal x Reader)

Word Count: 4.3K

Warnings: Angst, Sexual themes, Heartbreak, Alcohol, Drug Use and Addiction. Wow I really went the full nine yards with this one....

This is the first time I have written for Rafa so I hope I did him justice. This is kind of based on Every time by Ariana Grande, I adore the song and kind of felt inspired so I ran with the story. I really hope it is enjoyed.

Tags: @braidedchallah as you asked so nicely! Here’s your tag! Enjoy :)

She awoke up in a groggy haze, blinking a few times so her eyes could focus in the dark room. Her head was throbbing, her hangover from the night before had already arrived and she was aware of the faint snoring coming from the other side of the bed. She didn't need to look to know it was Rafael, she also didn't need to check the under the sheets she was tangled in to know she was naked. The vivid memories of last night flooded Y/n's mind as she laid there. It had started with just texts and then the calls started that pulled each other away from their friends, that led to needing to see one another which always leads to sex. Now here she was, lying in his bed regretting everything as she had so many time before.

This is how almost every night out had ended for the two exes, they resumed this new kind of relationship after their very messy breakup six months ago. As Y/n laid there, calmed by the soft snores she thought back over their relationship. It had been great to begin with, they were made for one another and they feel hard and fast. From the start everything was fueled by raw emotion, Y/n let him see every part of her and he returned this by doing the same. She knew when they got together his mental health wasn't great, but she did all she could to be the sunshine on his dark days. Rafa developed a habit and before Y/n could catch him from falling it became serious. His drinking and drug use only got worse, she couldn't remember a time when he was sober in the last few months they had together. She was hurting so badly and she tried her best to keep a handle on the situation and their relationship, but he had only seen that as her trying to control him. They both reached their breaking point and ended everything in flurry of tears.

She wept silently at the memories, it was all too much to bear for her. She had to get out now, but as she stood up to get her clothes the alcohol that was still in her system rushed to her head and she tripped over her heels. The noise she made startled Rafa awake and she felt her heart sink. This was not apart of their usual routine, usually the person who stayed over slipped out silently to avoid the sober conversations and the reminder of what could have been. Rafa spoke first, "Hey".

"Uhhh hi, sorry I wasn't trying to wake you." She spoke softly and resumed getting dressed. More successfully this time around.

"Are you okay?" His voice strained as he asked.

Y/n paused in place with her back turned to him. "Bit of a loaded question Rafa." She knew he was asking about the fall but he mind was still stuck thinking about their relationship and she couldn't help the sarcasm in her retort. She hadn't seen the way his demeanour dropped in defeat as the words came out, it cut him deep. She didn't turn to look at him again, she couldn't trust herself not to climb back into bed with him and play happy families. She took a deep breath and spoke again, "I'll see you soon."

Y/n walked out before he could utter another word. She didn't hear him say "I love you" as she left.

Her second attempt to sneak about that morning failed as she tried to creep into her flat without rousing her flat mates. Everyone knew how volatile Y/n and Rafa had become for one another and for the most part she tried to avoid the topic with her friends. Unfortunately for Y/n they were both in the kitchen drinking their morning coffee and discussing the previous night. She saw the disappointment in their eyes as they bore into hers and she had no explanation for them. She knew they only cared and had her best interest at heart, they had tried to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart, but she wouldn't allow them to. She had excluded herself from all things that normal life had to offer. The only thing she had done for months was sit alone in her room or go out and get drunk. As she stood there in silence and seeing their faces, she had no words and all she could only stare blankly back at them while they spoke.

Emily spoke first, "Hun, you need to talk to us."

Anita jumped in straight after. "Yeah, we're so worried about you. You don't sleep, you barely eat, you've lost so much weight recently and the only thing you're interested in is going out and drinking."

"I'm convinced you only go out because you know you'll see him Y/n." Em continued.

Y/n felt a lump in her throat, they had it exactly right. "You just wouldn't understand." She whispered in attempt to deflect.

"Then help us understand, we don't want to see you like this anymore."

How could she make them understand? Rafa was the great love of her life, they were so deeply connected. They had shared so much pain together, pain that was still holding them both in place. Maybe this is why she avoided the topic with them. She knew they would get through to her and she wasn't ready to accept it was over just yet. She bowed her head to hide her face and said "I'm just not myself when I am not with him. It's like I lose a bit more of myself every day that we're apart. No matter what I do, I go back every time because for a small amount of time I feel like the old me." She was crying hard now and her eyes were screwed shut. She was shocked by the two sets of arms embracing her as she let it out and they stood there for the longest time allowing her to calm down.

Em grabbed her face so their eyes were in line "I know it's hard Y/n, but you are so much more than your relationship. You had a life before him and you will have one after him." Y/n nodded her head in response and Anita still held on to her lovingly from behind.

For the first time in months she felt as though she could breath on her own and she had to thank her friends for being so amazing. She allowed herself to integrate back in with the girls and they spent the rest of the day cuddled up on the sofa together under a duvet, watching trashy films and eating junk food. That night when the texts started up Y/n blocked his number, it hurt and it was hard but she knew she needed this.

This was the first step to moving on and starting her life afresh, without Rafa.

That sentiment lasted all of two weeks. For fourteen whole days Y/n detoxed herself, she ate three full meals a day, she only drank water and tea. She didn't touch a drop of alcohol to avoid impairing her judgement and calling him and had even missed out two nights out with the girls. If she kept herself busy enough she was almost convinced that she didn't even miss him. She did everything she could think of to avoid thinking about him. She tried to avoid picking up her phone, worried that she would 'accidentally' unblock him.

There was an awkward feeling in her flat that very Saturday two weeks later. Daveed's birthday party was tonight, none of the girls could avoid it. They had all been in the same friendship group once and none of them were about to let him down. Y/n tried so hard not to worry. Unfortunately the anxiety was determined to win and her heart was beating out it's chest uncontrollably. She took a deep breath in allowing it to wash over her, very aware that the longer she fought it the worse it would get.

Quietly she whispered to herself, "You'll be fine, you're going to have a good night." She repeated this to herself again and again throughout the whole getting ready process, until she was finished. She stared at herself and feeling good because she knew she had a killer outfit on and her make-up looked flawless. "I'll be okay." Y/n had been so nervous that she had already started drinking way before the party. It was the only way she could calm her nerves. Two weeks it had been since she had seen him or let him dominate her thoughts. Tonight he would be unavoidable.

It seemed everyone else had the same idea to turn up a little tipsy or high. When Daveed came over to greet the girls Y/n could smell the alcohol and weed on him. There was no denying it. Rafael wasn't far behind him, red eyed and body swaying, he smiled at her not really noticing Emily or Anita as he walked over. Y/n returned his smile but turned her back on him and walked to the kitchen to fix herself a drink while the girls spoke to Daveed about his birthday. As she poured out her wine into the biggest wine glass she could find, she hadn't noticed that Rafa had followed her into the kitchen.

"Now that is a big glass of wine." His voice startled her as she was lost in her own thoughts momentarily.

"It's been a long week."

"You're telling me, it's been a long two weeks, my dream girl's been ignoring me, she even blocked my number." He said hanging his head dramatically.

"Maybe she had good intentions for both of you." She reasoned and now looking at him she realised how much she had missed him.

"You're probably right, do you think she'll ignore me the whole night though?" He inquired with a bit of hope.

Y/n thought momentarily, still unsure and fighting her tipsy brain to answer logically. She knew she be avoiding him but as he stood across from her, looking so good she knew that she's already lost the battle. "I think you might be lucky tonight."

He laughed, his beautiful laugh, it engulfed her brain and he closed the gap between them, clasping his arms around her. Her nose was met with the smell of weed and the sober part of her sighed sadly as the drunk Y/n took over completely. She knew in the back of her mind that she would be regretting him in the morning.

All the hard work she had done to move forward came undone in seconds and it was completely forgotten. She ignored the looks her friends gave her as they made their way out of the kitchen together and set up camp together on a sofa away from everyone else in the party. They were in their own little world as they caught up, both in very good spirits and not noticing that they were being watched subtly by all their friends, who were all stunned by the sight. They looked like a couple again as if nothing bad had ever happened. The party through itself into full swing, drinking, drugs, dancing and games and for a little while Y/n and Rafa stayed on the sofa ignoring the party go by, Y/n sat on his lap and traced circles on her bare leg.

"Rafa, you down for beer pong, my man?" Daveed shouted over the crowd, breaking their conversation. Rafa saw Diggs holding a cup and ping pong ball and looked back to Y/n silently asking if she wanted to play too. She nodded and followed him over to the make-shift set up.

"Sorry Y/n, I need my partner in crime back for this game, we an unbeatable team you know." Daveed patted her sympathetically.

"Oh yeah so unbeatable, which is why every time I play against you, you lose." Y/n retorted. She looked around for the girls, Emily was too busy chatting up a very attractive lady, but Anita was free and by her side instantly to be on her team.

Rafa jumped in this time. "Funny, I remember someone crying and throwing a tantrum the last time we played because she lost."

"That's the only time I've lost against you both and I only got pissed off because you said, and I quote 'it's just a game'."

They were both in stiches laughing at her as she got worked up over the memory of losing. Y/n really was a sore loser.. "Fuck you both, just start the game."

The game started off very friendly with the boys taking the lead early on, but the girls easily caught then up. Now it was down to the wire, both teams had one cup left each and the energy around the table was tense. No one spoke as Y/n lined herself up as best as she could now that her head was foggy from the alcohol and she felt herself sway slightly. She took the shot as best as she could but managed to land in the last cup. From beside her Anita jumped and squealed. "You did it Y/n, we won!" Y/n turned and jumped around with her. She momentarily turned back to Daveed and Rafa who looked very pissed off and stuck her middle finger up at them both, laughing a little too evilly.

"I forgot she's just as much of a sore winner as she is when she loses." Daveed said quietly and they walked over to the girls on the other side of the table.

"I didn't." Rafa replied and laughed quietly to himself. Despite losing, he felt a little sense of pride over watching Y/n win. He slung his arm over her shoulder, pulling her into him again. "Well done baby." He whispered in her ear and once again they slipped back into their own world away from the party.

"Maybe you should consider a new partner in crime for party games. It's clearly not working out for you." She said teasingly.

"You might be right about that."

Unsurprisingly, Y/n found herself back in Rafa's bed that night. The happiness from the party quickly turned into a hungry neediness for one another. Y/n was easily wrapped in Rafa's arms early into the morning, tangled once again in the sheets with her lace underwear discarded on the floor. As they lay there in the post-sex bliss, Y/n softly traced her fingers along his tattoo's, dipping in and out of sleep while rafa sang quietly to her.

"Y/n are you still awake?" He asked, grogginess evident in his voice.

"Just about."

"We always end up coming back to each other, don't we?"

"Every time."

Neither of them uttered another word, nothing more needed to be said.

That was the last time the spoke to each other or saw each other for six months. Something changed for Y/n and Rafa after that night, for Y/n it felt like closure. He remained blocked on her phone and she thought that was for the best. She really had felt like she was moving on, she had been on a few dates, even had a few dick appointments; although, none were as good as him. She told herself it was the best way to move forward, she had been too static for such a long time.

As she sat in front of her full length mirror doing her make-up for a girls night out, a very long overdue night out.

Anita popped her head into Y/n's room. "You ready?"

Y/n smiled, "yeah, let's go."

The three best friends welcomed the others girls in their friendship group around for drinks before they went out and they all shared their intentions for the night. Drinking and laughing, Y/n felt at ease and when it came to her turn she laughed. "To go home alone." She said and they all cheered in response. In this moment Y/n felt the best she had for such a long time.

The girls danced the night away in small and sweaty club, the music vibrating through them and the drinks flowing heavily. At exactly 1AM in a grubby club toilet and all alone for the first time in the night, Y/n made the decision to unblock Rafael's number. She didn't tell anyone she was going to do it but it was at exactly 1AM that she peaked and in her drunken state she wanted to talk to him. She reasoned with herself that it had been long enough and it would be just old friends catching up now, if he answered. She sent him a quick text to see if he was up and within a matter of seconds her phone vibrated in her hand, his name and photo flash up on her screen. Her breath caught in her throat and she picked up but didn't say anything allowing him to speak first.

"Y/n. Are you okay?" She thought she could hear it straight away, the almost too relaxed tone to voice and just assumed he was high like he always was. She had always just wanted to fix him. "Y/n?"

She let a shaky breath. "I just wanted to hear your voice."

"Are you out?" He asked hopefully.

"Yeah I'm at Leadmill with the girls."

"Really? I'm in the smoking area, why don't you come and say hi."

"Are you alone?" Y/n inquired, she wasn't in the mood for loads of people right now.

"I'm with Digg's but I'm sure he'll be happy to see you, he's quite faded." He laughed slowly obviously looking at Daveed as he said this.

"I'll be out in a second."

Y/n made her way out of the bathroom very aware of the dirty looks she was receiving as she left for taking so long in the cubicle. She tried to see the girls as she made her way over to the smoking area hoping she wouldn't be caught. She found the two best friends tucked away in the corner, away from the bigger groups of people. Rafael had found her before she saw them, his eyes lit up at the sight of her, and what a sight is was to see her in thigh high boots and t-shirt dress that was so short it left little to his imagination. Y/n smiled timidly, she could see from his facial expression that he was thinking about ripping her clothes off. She knew that look all too well. He lent against the wall and pulled her into him and holding her close. The feeling of his strong arms made her feel so safe and the smell of her favourite cologne on him had her weak at the knees. She was really surprised that she couldn't smell the all too familiar scent of weed on him.

"Hey you." She spoke softly in his ear.

"Hi." He tightened his arms around her, "it's been a minute, I've missed you."

She smiles to herself, at least the feeling was mutual. She pulled back and turned. "Hey Diggs."

He only nodded at her in response, his eyes closed.

"He's a man of few words tonight, he wanted to get white girl wasted, and I think he's achieved that." Rafael spoke with pride about his best friend and Y/n laughed in response. He grabbed her hand to turn her back to him pulling her close to him with that same primal look in his eyes. "You look absolutely fantastic tonight Y/n. I nearly had a heart attack when I saw you."

"Shut up." Y/n felt her cheeks heat up and she tried to be coy, even though she felt really good about her look tonight. She moved even closer to him, and put one of his legs in between hers which made her dress ride up slightly. Rafael seemed to catch this and looked down, Y/n following where his eyes went. It was as if no time had passed at all and they slipped back into their groove. She heard the gulp he made as he continued to talk. "No really baby, it should illegal for you to wear that around me, the things I want to do to you..." He trailed off lost in thought but brushed his hand up her leg slowly, teasingly and it sent a shiver down Y/n's back.

Y/n's liquid courage took over. "You want to come back to mine."

He smiled at her, "best offer I've had in months."

From an outside perspective, they just looked like a regular couple. However from the perspective of her friends who were only a stone's throw away from the two, watching the scene play out they couldn't help but feel disappointed. They really thought Y/n had been doing better and they wanted to interfere, stop her from relapsing again, but they knew when she was this drunk it would only cause an argument and push her further into his arms. They watched as they touched each other and smiled like teenagers. They watched as Rafael got Daveed up and mobile enough to go back inside to their friends. He left Y/n for all of thirty seconds and they witnessed as the two stumbled passed them completely engrossed in one another. Just like they disappeared, just as they had so many times before, many moths ago.

They were hungry for one another, this had been longest they had gone without any contact since they had met. Rafa was on top of Y/n within seconds of entering her room. He attacked her body with his mouth, kissing everywhere that wasn't covered by her clothes. Y/n's head was fuzzy with pleasure feeling as though this had been the missing piece in her life. Rafa lifted his head from her neck to meet her lips again.

"I love you." He whispered in between kisses.

"I love you too." She returned in a breathless tone, without any hesitation.

He sat up and pulled her with him, removing his rather tight shirt off and giving Y/n a chance to drink him with her eyes as she caught her breath. He gave her a devilish grin as he pulled her to him. "Take everything except those boots off for me please baby." He spoke in a low tone. Y/n did as he asked and everything he asked of her that night. This night could be added to the countless others that started and ended the same way. Something about this time though, something felt different. Maybe it was the space and the not talking but they seemed to want each other even more than they had before.

When Y/n woke up the next morning he was still there, awake and sober playing with her hair while scrolling on his phone, just like it was a regular Sunday morning. Like they had never broken up. Y/n didn't feel the heavy pang of regret and stupidity and enjoyed Rafa being there. She leant up to him and gave him a soft and loving kiss, which surprised him. He hadn't realised she was awake and he certainly wasn't expecting such a warm welcome to him still being there.

"Morning." He said, sleep still clear in his voice. "Do you want me to leave?"

Y/n shook her head and pulled him down so she could hug him, he happily held her in his arms. Y/n seemed to have a sudden realisation in that moment as she took in his scent again. "Were you sober last night?" She asked in total shock.

Rafa hid his face in the crook of her neck and nodded. "Uhh… yeah I have been sober for six months now."

"Really? Rafa that's amazing. I'm so happy for you." Y/n spoke with total sincerity and no one spoke for a long time. Y/n was very aware that six months ago they had slept together for the last time and her mind began racing.

"Y/n." He broke her out of her thought.

"Hmm."

"Look there's something I want to say. I don't really know what I am expecting but can I just… speak for a bit."

"Of course."

Rafa took a deep breath in. "Okay, first of all I need to follow my steps and I need to apologise to you for everything I put you through as a result of my addiction. You really tried to do everything to keep me above water and I hurt you, over and over. The last night that we slept together I realised how much damage I had caused and I knew I had to stop sleeping with you so that we could both mend ourselves. I could see last night how much you have changed and grown, you looked even more amazing. I did everything I could to fix myself, I cut all the drink and drugs out, I cut out all the bad in my life. All those guys you always said were bad news, I even went to therapy to get a handle on my mental health." He spoke so quickly that Y/n had a hard time keeping up but he finally took a breath and continued. "I did this because I wanted to make myself a better man so that if we ever got the opportunity and if you ever wanted to speak to me again I would be in a place to value you for how amazing you really are. I don't know if you want us still but I definitely do and when you said you loved me back last night I felt like I had a little hope to hold on to."

Y/n sat in silence for a couple of minutes so stunned by his words. He stared at her, worried he had ruined the good mood until she looked back at him with a smile on her face that made his heart falter. She threw herself into him and he caught her, engulfing her in his arms.

She broke their silence. "We always come back to each other right?"

He smiled at her, the memory of that night came flooding back to him. "Every time."

#rafael casal #one shot #angst #rafael x reader #Original Work

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aki-draws-things · 4 years

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NaNoWriMo 2020 #08

Following yesterday’s prompt here the ending of the fic with a much more proper word countfor the challenge. i have great expectations for this year and I’m doing my best to succeed. The only proble is that I end knee deep into new AUs every time I write something so Now I really want to make those little details a canon for some of the others fics.

Also that means there will probably be more Wen Zhuliu angst too. And i don’t feel sorry.

Have fun reading~ And let me know what you think!!

Day: 08/11/2020

Prompt: enemy to caretaker

Ship: None official

Word Count: 1912

Wen Zhuliu knew the meaning of loyalty ever since childhood.

“Take care of your brother. Don’t stray from the righteous path. And remember, when the world will turn against you, and believe me, it will, your brother will be the one who will never betray you.”

Wen Zhuliu gave his outmost loyalty to his brother, and his brother did the same. Until the day he saw it for the first time, his father’s golden core. People around him thought he was greedy, and ambitious, and craving for power. People thought he killed his father and brother because he wanted to be better and stronger than them. His brother was only seven. Wen Zhuliu kept the truth hidden so well over the years that he almost began to believe the words going around, but none of them were true. He reached out when he saw the golden core shining bright, fascinated by its warmth, he wanted to brush his fingers on him, he wanted to hug his fatter and press his cheek against the bright light . But when he touched it, it changed. He felt power, a surge of energy rushing inside of him, burning and painful. He screamed and his screams covered his father’s. When his legs decided to work again he stood and ran dashing past his sleepy brother, with nothing but the clothes he was wearing. The pain subsided slowly, it took him three agonizing days before the superfluous energy dissipated and by then he couldn’t turn back and return home. So he wandered. Everywhere he went there were people with bright golden cores, every time he brushed against one he felt pain and energy flow from the person to him. It was Wen RuoHan who explained what he could do. Wen RuoHan who took his frightened hand and raised him to walk next to him. Wen RuoHan who gave him the Wen name. Wen Zhuliu knew that day where his loyalty now lay. There was a little seven years old boy back at home, scared and weeping in a dark room begging the wind to bring back his older brother.

When his eyes laid on Nie ZongHui he thought it was an illusion, an hallucination, because in the end the little, scared boy grew up resembling their father more than he could probably remember. But he was real, he was there, and old loyalties sparkled brighter than ever. “Your brother will never betray you.” Once their father said and he chose to believe. Blood called loyalty and he let him go. He almost reached out, not to his golden core, but to his face. He believed to a lie for so long that he wanted to feel it real. He let him run.

Looking at Nie MingJue forced on his knees and held by three soldiers, Wen Zhuliu wondered what ZongHui saw in him. He knew the Nie history, of course, just as he knew the history of all the Main Sects, Wen RuoHan taught him carefully and well before he went mad with power and poisoned the world around him, included his children, leading his wife he once claimed to love more than everything to take here own life. Wen Zhuliu wasn’t a murderer, he had never killed, not that he was aware of it. She grabbed his hand and pressed it on her lower abdomen before he could even think of what was happening, when he tried to move away, eyes wide in horror, it was too late. His power, the energy residing in his fingers, latched around her golden core and grasped it, pulled it, twisted it until it was his together with every drop of her spiritual energy. She fell and the door slammed open, his hands still glowing softly, his body readjusting at the new wave of energy.

Wen Zhuliu knew loyalty, and he knew fear and pain. He was unconscious before the hand of his Master reached him.

“What’s so special?” He used to be curious, he used to ask more questions than normal, he used to ask three questions, and then two more before the first one had been answered. He pushed this side of him deep deep down the more he lived in the Wen sect, the more he served a power hungry Wen RuoHan and his younger son. But Wen Chao wasn’t in the Unclean Realm that night and he could allow himself to wonder. “What does he see in there?” He looked over the bed Nie MingJue laid, his spiritual energy blocked and preventing him to heal faster, sweat covering his body as he fought through the pain and the infection from the branding mark.

Nie HuaiSang was on the bed closer to him, he leaned over and passed a soothing salve over the mark before covering it again, he moaned and opened his eyes, immediately trying to get away from him.

“What do you want? What have you done to us? Da-ge…?” He turned and looked at his brother before jumping down from his bed before Wen Zhuliu could advise him not to move too much and climbed next to him inspecting his not yet healed wound and the heat coming from his body.

“Your brother will never betray you. The world will. The world will be set on fire one day, and your brother will be the only one who would never throw in it to save himself.” His father had been right, in some way. He knew what he was talking about, a bond between brothers, no matter what, was always stronger than any loyalty. “I want that.” He thought surprised at how childish his voice sounded in his mind. “I want that back.” Still wen RuoHan had saved him that day. But he wasn’t the same Wen RuoHan he was now. “Maybe… Maybe I can ask. Maybe he would come with me. Or not. Maybe his loyalty to the Nies is more powerful and means more than me. Than the one who left. Maybe —”

“What have you done to him? His Qi —” Wen Zhuliu blinked, bringing the room back in his focus. No point in dwell on possibilities and past.

“I just blocked it. Wen Chao asked me to burn his golden core, I—” Disobeyed. That wasn’t going to end well. He swallowed and looked again at Nie HuaiSang who was now holding an empty cup as his only weapon. Wen Zhuliu smiled. “What are you going to do? Throw it at m—”

The cup flew next to his head before he finished the question and shattered on the wall behind him. He sighed.

“It was rhetorical. Believe me or not but I’m not planning on harming any of you. Your wind is almost healed, it will scar but there is nothing I can do to prevent it. His — I’m good at healing, but not enough apparently. Can’t unblock his energy, - “Yes, you can.” Nie HuaiSang pointed out and brushed a cold cloth over his brother’s forehead. “You don’t want to.” - Wen Chao will notice I didn’t follow his orders.”

He took a moment longer to think of what to do next before making up his mind. It wasn’t going to end well, why wasn’t he scared? He should have.

“But there is someone who will heal him for sure.”

It took Nie HuaiSang a couple of hours and many sighs before finally agreeing with Wen Zhuliu reluctantly. Carrying him to Yiling unseen wasn’t as easy as they hoped. Wen Zhuliu tried to block out the soft whispers coming from the back of the carriage, the movement had probably woke Nie MingJue up, his voice rough and low, pained; his breath hard.

“Where are we going?”

“Somewhere safe. To someone who can heal you.”

Nie MingJue hummed lightly.

“It doesn’t matter. I’m dead already.”

“That’s not true, Da-ge. It’s the fever talking, and we both know you don’t control your mouth when ill.” He tried to sound light, almost joking, Wen Zhuliu imagined his smaller arms wrapping around his brother and holding him closer.

“ZongHui… Where’s ZongHui?”

He tried, he really tried not to listen.

“I’m sure he’s safe to. You told him to go ask for help, remember?”

“Lotus pier… yes. Ah! No… no, we can't leave Qinghe. If he comes back and doesn’t find us—”

Lotus Pier. Wen Chao talked about the place. It was their next target. Maybe he could get there before him. He could try.

“He will be fine, Da-ge. You need to think about healing first.” The carriage fell silent for the rest of the ride.

“Why?” Wen Qing simply asked. He looked at Wen Zhuliu, and then at the Nie brothers, the older one slumped unconscious on the younger.

“They’re wounded. And you’re the best medic in Qishan.”

“Is it some kind of trap? Take them here, bring Wen Chao - She snarled the name in hate. - here and have him destroy everything? Great plan. It’s not going to work.” She was starting to turn and shut the doors when Wen Ning's voice attracted her attention.

“Jie… I don’t like his fever.” Blood was trickling down his lips.

“He won’t come. I’ll make sure he won’t. Just… Just take them in. - It was risky. That would forever compromise his loyalty. Wen RuoHan will certainly kill him. - Heal them. Keep them safe.” And with that he turned on his heels and ran.

He ran and he flew to Lotus Pier hoping to be on time. Hoping to arrive before Wen Chao did, before ZongHui could explain and set off to reclaim Qinghe.

He was on time, by mere minutes.

“They’re not in Qinghe.” It wasn’t the usual greeting, it wasn’t too ideal either, not after years of not even seeing each other. “You’ll have to prove you’re one of them, Wen Qing is not the most trusty woman. But she’s a medic, and she’s trustworthy.”

“Why?” Why? Why what? “Why are you doing that? Suddenly, after bursting into our sect with that Wen dog. After calling yourself a Wen. Why should I believe you.”

“You shouldn’t.” He thought.

“Because you’re the one I would never lie to not even if I wanted to.”

Nie ZongHui had one of his sabers in hand, still pointing at him cautiously. Maybe that was the way to keep his life. To make things right. It was worth a try.

“Stab me. Make it look real and then run.”

“What?” He widened his eyes and almost let go of the saber.

“You heard me. Stab me. There.” He walked closer, the point of the blade touching his chosen point. Nie ZongHui tried to take a step back. “They will think the Jiang attacked me. They won’t even see you escape.”

“But— why?”

Wen—Zhao Zhuliu caressed the side of his head and pushed the blade ZongHui still held deep in his body giving him a bloody smile before falling.

“Go. Go now. Go, g—”

Nie ZongHui ran for the second time in days. He ran to Yiling like he instructed him, he found the door being knocked shut in his face three times before HuaiSang came out and finally convinced the Wen girl to let him in. His sword’s blade still wet with blood.

“Zhuliu? Wen Zhuliu!” He blinked his eyes open tiredly, he stopped the bleeding almost as soon as the blade slid out of his chest.

“It’s fine… I just need some rest. I’m— fine…” He closed his eyes again.

#wen zhuliu #nie mingjue #nie huaisang #nie zonghui #zonghui and zhuliu are brothers #enemy to caretaker #the untamed #cql #mo dao zu shi #mdzs #mdzs fic #grandmaster of demonic cultivation #founder of diabolism #fanfic #nanowrimo 2020 #angst collection in cultivation #aki writes

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dontdietwd · 5 years

Text

Don’t Die, day 11

It all happened too fast.

As I fled from the house through the kitchen door, it was all a blur of running and noise, Daryl and Merle’s heavy, hurried steps right on my heels and the loud groans and growls from the two dead people running after us. Daryl ran faster than me and guided us around my house to reach his. As we reached the porch, I looked back and saw Bobbi-Jo’s dead, stumbling but surprisingly agile body turning the corner, the half-face she still had with perfect makeup, but her eyes void of any life.

We’d entered the Dixon’s house, locked all the doors, and had been there ever since. The house had three entrances; the front door, the kitchen door to the side, which led to another small porch, and the basement hatch door, that had always been locked and blocked by an old wardrobe and had never been a viable way in and out. The kitchen door was now blocked by an old and very heavy dresser, cardboard blocking the glass view. The front door, the only one that was left unblocked, was constantly guarded.

If I had to recollect and tell exactly who things went, I wouldn’t be able to. I don’t know if it was the electricity, the phone signal or the internet that went down first. I don’t remember if we searched through the house looking for things that could be useful before or after we saw dozens of dead people walking around the street, Bobbi-Jo among them. The battery radio still worked, but no useful information came out of it.

It was a virus. It was a parasite. It was bacteria. The cure was known. No, that cure didn’t work. It was the end of the world. Don’t let yourself get bit by one of them. That’s how you die and then turn. We will find the cure; we’ve got the best people working on it. Don’t get bit until then. The CDCs all over the country were working on it. Go to Atlanta. Go to Atlanta. There’s a center, food, and shelter until the cure is found. It’s safe. Don’t get bit and go to Atlanta.

“Yeah, but that ain’t true, is it?” Merle dragged in the same old, drunken voice, a bottle of beer in hand, his back to the arm of the couch, a leg resting along with it. “Sons of bitches don’t know nothin’.”

“What are you on about?” Daryl asked from his watch by the window.

“D wasn’t bit, was he now?”

“Nope,” I answered from the other couch where I was lying. “Died from a stab in the neck. Only one who bit him was me.”

“What?” Merle questioned, frowning.

“I bit him, you don’t remember that?” I sat up, bare feet resting on the worn out, dusty mat. “The night before. And I sure as hell ain’t one of those fuckin’ dead things”, I finished as I got up, leaning over to reach for a pack of cigarettes from the coffee table. “So ya right, son of bitches know nothing.”

“We don’t know he wasn’t bit,” Daryl said looking at me as I approached him putting one cigarette between my lips and handing him the pack. “He coulda been. Damn fucker was so hammered all the time, coulda forget it happened.”

“Or that.” I agreed.

Daryl threw the pack at Merle after he took a cigarette for himself and we went silent again like we were most part of the time when Daryl and Merle weren’t fighting, foul-mouthed and disagreeing on everything. I hadn’t slept more than a few minutes but felt alert anyway, I’d never needed many hours asleep to feel fine. What worried me now was that, after ten days in that house, their pantry had been emptied while we just sat around, ate, argued and fought and waited for something to happen. I worried that, after so long, nothing was actually going to change. Not if we didn’t take action, any kind of action.

“I’m going home.” Hours later I broke the silence.

“You insane?” Merle asked. “Ya can’t go back there. The street’s taken by those things. Your house’s taken.”

“You gonna end up like ‘em.” Daryl completed.

“Good to see you guys agreeing on something.” I crossed her arms and glared at them. “I’m gonna take things. Food, clothes, first aid kit, weapons. Lots of knives in the kitchen, a pistol in Bobbi-Jo’s bedroom. A rifle on the wall that might still work if we find ammo. Things on the fridge might still be good. Gonna pack all I can, you should too if we’re gonna make it to Atlanta.”

“I ain’t goin’ to no fuckin’ Atlanta.” Merle sat up, both feet now on the rug. “Won’t be nothin’ there. Shelter and food for free to everyone? Bullshit. Rich people, is all.”

“So you gonna stay here?” I opened my arms to gesture around the living room. “And do what? Starve to death? Thirst yourself dry? You don’t even wanna go next door for supplies, how ya gonna get food?”

He didn’t answer, only crossed his arms, shaking his head, a stubborn smirk still on his lips. Big fucking child.

“We know how to kill ‘em.” Daryl said still from his position by the window. “Just gotta stab in the brain and don’t let ‘em come close.”

“I got two good hunting knives there, one in Owen, the other in D. Should get ‘em back too.”

We agreed but said nothing, just moved at the same time as if agreed. Only wondered about that later. Now we just moved to the kitchen table where we had previously set out a sort of kitchen knives. Daryl grabbed two of them as well as his crossbow. I chose a big butcher knife and two smaller ones and moved to the door sheathing them into my waistband being followed by Daryl.

“Ok, gotta stay together. Don’t go wandering alone.” I told him.

“I’ll have your back while you take the things.” He agreed and we gave each other a sharp nod.

Daryl pulled the door open and we crossed the threshold. The noise of the door and our steps attracted the attention of two dead people who were closest to the house, by the sidewalk. They turned their heads in slow motion, but as their dead eyes found the two living people on the porch, it was like their bodies came to life, groaning excitedly and taking stumbling but fast steps in their direction.

“Noise attracts them.” Daryl stated what I was thinking a moment before shooting an arrow right into the eye of the male one. We went down the steps and on the bottom Daryl stopped to reload the crossbow, hands working on it but head raised and eyes looking around attentively. The second dead, a female, was closer to me now. “In the brain!” Daryl reminded me.

I walked to the corpse as she walked to me and felt my heart accelerate. Damn, it really was a fuckin walking corpse, like for real, the sci-fi movies had really happened, who’d think that? But I got over that because no time to think right now or it’d bite me. I remembered how soft and easy it had been to stick the knife into D’s eye, so that’s what I went for before it could even get close enough to me. Blood splattered on me as the eyeball popped. Disgusted, all I thought then was that if this was how one got infected with whatever that was, I was screwed. But then again, we’d all touched the dead’s blood ten days ago and hadn’t got sick, so I didn’t really know what to think. Maybe it really was just bites.

“Let’s go.” I put the thought aside for now and we ran across the yard towards my house. There was one more there and Daryl’s arrow reached it easily. As we got to the steps, I heard a groan and looked back. It was Bobbi-Jo, or what used to be her. I stared at her as her corpse started coming to me. After ten days of her death, her figure was now something completely different. Her exposed flesh had started decaying; her eyes seemed even whiter than before, what was left of the skin of her face a nauseating shade of gray. Her eye makeup had oozed down her cheek.

“Sam!” Daryl’s voice called from the porch. I didn’t remember having ever heard him say my name before, I hadn’t even been sure if he knew it.

“Go, I got her.” I told him and heard his steps entering the house only a moment later like he had paused to decide and then moved. I let Bobbi-Jo approach, less agile than she had been days before, but still quick. When she was close enough, I grabbed her by the neck, keeping her dead, moaning form away from me at arm’s length. My heartbeat got even faster, I could feel in my temple, and my throat suddenly tightening. Bobbi was small, the same size as me, but had always been thinner as an effect of too many drugs.

In the moment I looked into Bobbi-Jo’s dead eyes, I remembered years of having her present in my life. The moment I had met her, my dad bringing her to our house and introducing her as his girlfriend. I remember thinking how could she be my dad’s girlfriend if she looked to be my own age. Later, I found out Bobbi-Jo was only seven years older than me. I remembered us moving from Atlanta to Savannah. I hadn’t wanted to. Dad didn’t really want to either, but Bobbi-Jo had insisted. That’s when they started living together, and it was hell on earth. We fought all the time when dad wasn’t home, and in the beginning Bobbi-Jo would pretend to be the victim when he arrived, but after a while she didn’t even do that anymore. I hated her. I hated her with all my might, I hated her for all the horrible things she told me, for the physical fights, for making dad father suffer, for cheating on him, for spending all the money he had gathered from years of hard work in a carpentry. For pretending in front of friends and family that she was suffering when he was dying from cancer. For getting herself a new boyfriend less than a month after he died. I hated having had to stay in the house, hated having Bobbi-Jo still live there. We each owned half of it, neither wanted to leave it to the other.

“Yeah, you bitch?” I snarled at her. “How’d ya like that? All the trouble ya had and that’s how ya die. Hope it was as painful as his death.” I raised the knife, eyes burning with all the remaining anger I carried with me all this time, “That’s for my dad!”

The knife entered her left eye and I held it in place for a long moment. The knot in my throat tightened painfully, the rage in my eyes being instantly replaced by tears. As I pulled he knife out, a wet noise following a splash of stinky blood, Bobbi-Jo’s body fell to the ground. With a sob, I felt no satisfaction; it just didn’t feel like it was enough. Leaning over, I stabbed a few more times, into her other eye and even into the hard bone of her temple and forehead, and I was probably groaning in anger at each stab because my throat complained quite a bit after. Finally, I stopped and straightened up, breathing hard, staring down at the disfigured head. The hand holding the knife was shaking, tears escaping my eyes.

When I turned, unable to look at the mass of flesh on my feet any longer, I saw Daryl standing under the doorframe, eyes watching me carefully, head turned downwards, crossbow hanging on his side.

“It’s clear.” he said quietly when I just looked at him, not moving or saying anything. “Was just one of ‘em inside.”

Without a word, I climbed the four steps towards the door, but Daryl didn’t move. I stopped on the step below him and looked up, eyebrows raised in question.

“You ok?” he murmured.

“Stop asking me that.”

I’m sure my voice sounded stronger than I felt at the moment. I felt my insides trembling, it that makes sense, my shoulder muscles so tense they’d stop a knife. I took a step up and passed by Daryl, our shoulders touching briefly. Stopping just by the front door, I looked around. It had been days, the house and the bodies smelled horrible, putridly, as if the air was solid. I didn’t look at the corpses for long. Daryl had already closed the kitchen door, so the only way in and out was through the front. He was taking his arrow out of the eye of the random guy Bobbi-Jo had brought home that night. I felt bile in my throat again at the smell of the living room of the house I had called home for so many years. It didn’t feel like it anymore.

“Go, I’ll keep watch.” He said carefully while he cleaned the tip of an arrow on the fabric of the couch.

It didn’t take long for me to go through the whole house. I emptied the cabinet of groceries into a backpack, there were several cans there, clothes I thought could be functional into a handbag – clean underwear! I’d been handwashing as reusing the same panties for days now! The two different pairs of boots I had and one I took from Bobbi-Jo. Hers were yellow and I hated it, but whatever. The carton of Morley packs, half a bottle of whiskey. That was for the boys. The first aid kit from under the bathroom sink. A couple of soap bars, toothbrush and toothpaste. I took the gun, checking it was loaded, two boxes of bullets from Bobbi-Jo’s wardrobe, knives from the kitchen, the rifle from the wall, and that was it.

“Hey,” Daryl stopped touching a finger softly on my shoulder as I was heading to the door carrying all the bags by myself, without asking for help. I stopped in a halt and looked up at him, a frown on my face. I was too tense and willing to get the hell out of that house for good to be expecting a touch, even the slighted ones, right now. “Thought ya’d want this.”

He handed me a picture he’d taken from a frame on the living room wall. I saw the back of it first, a sloppy handwriting that said “Jack and Sam at Chastain Park, spring 1989”. Turning it around, I saw myself as a nine-year-old sitting on top of a slide, smiling widely, blonde hair shining under the sun. Standing by my side, smiling awkwardly at the camera, was my dad, sandy hair graying on the sides, unkempt stubble, dark brown eyes lit up with contentment.

My throat tightened once again and I felt an uncomfortable prickle in my eyes, and I just nodded without looking up at Daryl. I knew that picture, of course, and it’d been on the wall for years, but I never looked at it. It was painful. I folded the picture carefully twice and reached around to my back jeans pocket, tucking it in. Taking a deep breath, I looked up at Daryl for just a second before looking out the door once again.

“Let’s go.”

We both stopped on the steps, though, Daryl once again higher than me, when we saw Merle ride his bike out of the garage of their house. He rode not once looking back, speeding away with a loud rumble, dead corpses trying to rush after it.

“Son of a bitch!” Daryl shouted as he rushed past me down the steps. She ran after him, crossing the yard to his porch and into the house, slowed down by the bags. When I entered he was rushing over the other rooms of his house. I dropped the bags by the front door before going looking for him.

“Fuckin’ bastard!” He was yelling when we met again on the corridor.

“He just left?!”

“You saw him leave, didn’t ya?” he answered angrily.

I raised her hands lifting my eyebrows in affront. Daryl just rushed past me mumbling “fuck” and I followed him into Merle’s bedroom.

“His stuff still here.” he noticed as I stood by the door.

“He’ll come back,” I said, arms crossed. “he wouldn’t leave you in this –”

“- -the hell he wouldn’t!” Daryl raised his voice again. “Is wha’ Merle do, he leaves. Not the first time.” His voice was bitter as he strode past me. When I reached the living room, having followed him one more time, Daryl was picking up one of the bags from the floor. “Let’s just go.”

“What if he comes back?” I asked with my arms still crossed.

“Yeah, maybe in a couple of months.” Daryl snorted out.

“C’mon Daryl, we don’t know that.”

“You know nothing ‘bout Merle.” he snarled turning to me, a backpack over one shoulder. “He ain’t coming back!”

“Daryl, listen, he’s just left, you sure you don’t want to wait at least a bit?”

“Why do you care if he come back anyway?”

“I don’t, really, but I know that if we leave now you might not find your brother again.” I uncrossed my arms and took a couple of steps towards him, speaking calmly. “We don’t know what’s gonna happen, how things are out there… What if you don’t see him again? What if you don’t see him again just ‘cause you couldn’t wait a few hours?”

Daryl looked from me to the door and back again, unsure, biting the skin of his lower lip.

“It’s past three, anyway,” I kept talking, knowing he was listening now “it’ll get dark soon; I don’t think we should travel at night. If not for Merle let’s at least just wait ‘til morning ‘cause it might be safer.”

Daryl stared at me, worry creasing his forehead, still biting his lip. I’d seen him do that before, anytime he was lost in thought, or worried, or unsure. He nodded sharply once after a moment and dropped the bag to the ground again, then moved away from me and deeper into the house. In the hallway leading to his bedroom, he said: “You watch over, I’ll take a nap.”

He crossed the hall with heavy steps and stormed into the room and I expected the door to be slammed closed, but he didn’t act that childishly. It was more like Merle to do that, even though he was the oldest. I think he was about ten years older than Daryl, but I’ve never known for certain. And he wasn’t here now. It was weird not having Merle there, because his presence was always known. Even if he was in his bedroom sleeping we could hear him snoring loudly and speaking on his sleep. He never slept quietly, I wonder how he even got any rest. Maybe that’s why he did all the drugs, to let go of whatever it was he had in his head.

Merle was a case to be studied. I knew very little about him. I’d been living next-door to the Dixons for eighteen years, and for a while, it was three of them; the father and the two sons. I barely saw the father over the years, he was always inside and when I did see him occasionally outside he was drunk and slurring racial insults at neighbors or inappropriate things at Bobby-Jo or myself, which turned into misogynistic ones when neither of us gave him any attention. He had died two or three years ago, I think, from something on his liver. Then it was just the two brothers. Merle had been gone from the house for long periods of time and back three of four times since I’d been there. At least one of them I knew he’d gone away with the army, I’m not sure if he went to a war or something, but in total Daryl was alone at the house for a few years. Their relation was… Delicate, let’s say. I always saw them together at the house and over the years even out throughout the city, so they seemed t be friends, but they fought a lot, never agreed on anything and Merle often talked him down. On those 10 days, I’d been cooped up in the house with them made this quite clear. I hated to hear it, I wanted to tell Merle to just shut the fuck up, but hey, who was I go meddle? I didn’t really know them; I didn’t know what was behind all that. So when it was too much I just left and locked myself in their spare bedroom, the one I’d been using, and stayed in there for a few hours.

Maybe Daryl was right. Maybe Merle had gone for good, left us, and was not coming back. Is shouldn’t bother me. It didn’t. It didn’t bother me. I couldn’t care less. What would I be missing without Merle traveling with us tomorrow morning? Not a thing. It would be better to be just with Daryl; I could deal with Daryl. He was not bad. He even spoke gently and carefully to me, something I’d never expected, something guys didn’t usually do. I would be fine, I didn’t care.

Except that I fucking did. I groaned in anger at myself and I observed the street through the window, shaking my head and taking a pull off my cigarette. I fucking cared, I wished Merle would come back. He was still Merle, still the person who verbally harassed me for years, but on those ten days in his house something had changed and I couldn’t pinpoint it, but I knew it had. He wasn’t harassing me anymore, except for a few jokes about how I should cook for them and maybe warm up their bed at night – Daryl punched him hard on the shoulder for that one and Merle laughed, even as he held his arm because that strong punch had to hurt. He was behaving not in a good manner, but in a manner I could accept. And he had come to my rescue that night, there was that. I wished he’d come back, mostly for Daryl, but also because I knew things must be dangerous out there. There was much more than this fucking neighborhood and Chatham, and if the world was ending things were not pretty out there.

But it was settled, in the morning Daryl and I were gonna go, leave this house and hit the road to Atlanta, with or without Merle. I moved from the window to the kitchen, where I lit a single candle and tried making some food. I didn’t even know what, maybe one of the last packs of powdered soup. I took a clean pan from the drying rack, placed it under the tap and opened it. It couched and gurgled and a little brown water came out, but then just air. No water. Great… I placed the pan inside the sink, rested my hands there and lowered my head. Yeah, it really was time to go.

I blew the candle off and returned to my spot by the window. We were going to hit the road. Leave our houses. I was going to leave my house and God knows when I’d be back. Of if I’d ever be back. The house I’d been living at for 18 years and had lived good moments, but also the worst of my life. I wasn’t sorry I’d be gone. I kind of wished I’d never come back. I wished life would change so drastically I’d never even had the chance to do so. Never have to decide to come back or not.

What was this weird thing I was feeling? I wasn’t bad, but shouldn’t it be bad? Shouldn’t I be dreading whatever the fuck was happening? The world seemed to be ending in rising corpses and nothing would ever be the same, why wasn’t I that scared? I mean, of course, I was scared, but in a strange way…. In a way that good things also scare us. Does that make sense? No, it doesn’t, I know it doesn’t. But I was… And I shocked myself when I found the correct word for it, even then, standing by that window as I saw a group of three dead walking up the field at the end of the road: excited. And now I judged myself for feeling it. What kind of horrible person feels that when the world is ending and so many people are dying and suffering? I hated myself for it.

I also thought of my father. I wished he had lived to go through it with me, he was always so supportive, always trying to make me look at the good side to everything, such a gentle soul. Yeah, but thinking about it made me see he was not fit for this new life, he would never be able to kill a corpse even if it was trying to kill him. No, he was too good. All of this would break his heart. And now I was crying, thinking about dad.

“Hey, we got no water,” Daryl’s voice brought me back from where my mind was to the Dixon’s dark living room. I looked back at him, who had only now figured where I was. I had lit no candles and there was just a gap in the curtain letting a little light in. Seeing me, he continued, “jus’ a warnin’ so ya have no surprise in here”, he pointed over his shoulder in the direction of the bathroom.

“Yeah,” my voice came out a little weak and hoarse. “I tried to cook something and the water was out. We got one more can of soup… Then jus’ things I bought from home.”

I turned to the window again trying hard and failing not to think of what he meant about a surprise in there, and the room was quiet again. I guessed he’d moved away again. There were six dead people roaming the street now. Their moans and crickets and cicadas singing were the soundtracks of the night.

“You okay?”

I jumped a little. His voice was closer than I expected Daryl to be. Damn, the man could be silent if he wanted to. Hunting instincts.

“Sorry,” he smirked

“Jesus, Daryl” I turned away from him again. “I’m fine. Told ya not to ask me that.”

“Is jus’…” he shrugged. “Voice’s weird. You been cryin’?”

I crossed her arms over her chest, still looking out. He didn’t have to know that. It was personal. He wouldn’t understand what I was feeling now, not even I understood. Excited that the world was ending, only sad my daddy wasn’t here to see it? Forget it.

“No,” I told him simply.

“Alright,” he stated and moved away from me in an instant. I followed him with my eyes, turning around a little. Damn, did he sound relieved that I didn’t share! Men and their troubles with feelings and stuff.

Who am I kidding, I have trouble with feelings and stuff as well.

But a little tiny part of me was a little disappointed that he didn’t insist? Yep, it definitely was.

“Did ya eat?” he asked already from the kitchen.

“No. Not hungry, you go ahead.” I responded mechanically, trying to see him in the dark, unsuccessfully. In a minute he was back, the cold can of soup in hand, half of its content in a bowl that he handed me. I didn’t take it, arms still crossed.

“Eat,” he said firmly, motioning the bowl again.

Sighing and rolling her eyes away from him, I took the bowl and started eating. That was not one of the good soups, but whatever. We ate silently, both standing looking out.

��There’s Mr. Walker from 4th street.” Daryl said around a mouthful of soup, pointing to the dead chubby, old man wearing suspenders.

“Dead man Walker.” I said in a dead serious voice.

He chuckled for a moment but caught himself and lowered his head to his can of soup quickly, going silent again. I held in a smile. This rough man could be cute sometimes and wasn’t even aware of that. Full of surprises, that guy. He’d never spoken to me before in those eighteen years but then he goes to the diner to warn me and get to my house to help and if hosting me here for 10 days like it’s all normal. I really didn’t understand.

“Why did you help me?” I asked suddenly after finishing my half soup.

“Wha’?”

“That day, with D.” I turned a little more to him after resting the empty bowl on the window sill. “You went all the way to the diner to warn me about him. Why did ya do that?”

He shrugged, not looking at me, “Was in the area.”

“Seriously, Daryl.”

He kept looking out, his expression closing up, and was silent for a moment. I just waited, staring up at him.

“Couldn’t hear him say what he’d do to ya and do nothin’.”

“Alright. Okay, you warned me, I told you I could take care of myself, but then you showed up there and helped me, and stick around and helped with the… Walker things, and then took me in here, and I’ve been here for days. It’s ‘bout all that I’m asking. Why you helping me?”

“Would you rather I didn’t?” he turned his head to me, annoyance clear in his voice.

“Oh, c’mon Daryl!” I turned away, arms up in annoyance for a moment Why couldn’t he just answer me?

“’Cause you needed, is why!” he cried, getting pissed. It was easy to piss him off. “You our neighbor twenty fuckin’ years, don’t gotta be best buddies with someone to help.”

“Well, you’re right we ain’t best buddies, but we were never even a little bit. We ain’t never talked to each other, and now I’m here practically living in your house.”

“It’s the fuckin’ Walker apocalypse out there!” Daryl yelled angrily pointing out the window. “What a fuckin’ cold-blooded motherfucker ya take me for? Ya thought I’d let the men rape and torture you, and then leave you to die alone eaten by the dead?” he snarled and took a step further, standing very close to me. I looked up at him, towering at least ten inches above me, but I didn’t flinch or blink. Somehow I knew he was not a threat. “That the kinda man ya take me for?”

I swallowed hard, my eyes locked with his, and his got a little self-aware after a second, as if he realized just how close to each other we were standing now. We’d never been close like this, even living in close quarters. I could pay attention to details on him that I never registered before. His stubble was nearly blonde, or maybe it was starting to grow grey, just how freaking blue his eyes were and the mole he had just above the left corner of his lip. Was he maybe noticing these detailed in my face too? I still had a faint bluish mark from that old slap, and my eyes probably looked tired now. No self-care with my face skin for many days now, it must look dry. Damn, I was starting to get self-conscious by him looking at me like that.

I should say something. Daryl hadn’t moved after his question, so maybe it hadn’t been rhetorical. I soundlessly cleared my throat of the lump that had formed there before saying in a very low voice, “Torture?”

Daryl nodded slowly, his jaws clenching tightly. “Yeah.”

And yet, he didn’t move.

“Guess I never thanked you.” I whispered.

That made him lower his eyes and turn again to the window, opening space between us once again. “‘S nothin’,” he mumbled tightly.

“You helped me avoid rape and torture. Guess that’s something.”

Before moving away from him, feeling too awkward and uncomfortable being so close, I touched his bicep quickly, squeezing it lightly before letting go.

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the-resurrection-3d · 2 years

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alright everybody wake up I have modern!verse alberto and giulia bonding for ya

There’s a lot of backstory behind this but just know my friend’s new ex-gf turning out to be a felon is not even the craziest thing to happen today.

ANYWAY. I just finished cranking this out, tw references to Nick and to physical assault. I also tried first-person! So let me know what you think about that.

I’m running equations pretty much constantly in my head: how much have I told her + how much I’ve dreamt I’ve told her + how much I’ve dreamt she pulled the knife from my back and saw it was his and somehow knew not to ask anymore, all that goes over how much I can bear to tell her, because once I start, I’m never going to stop, and usually a negative number is spat out.

If it’s not, divide by the dread like a fist in my stomach when I dream her there. Humiliation like air.

So, yeah. It’s not worth it, at least not right now. Still—

Picture it in your head: her in Genova not doing her math homework, me in my room right above her room, window open, rubber band snapping against my wrist, texting her so I don’t call him.

I mean, I don’t want to call him, not really. Because I blocked him and would then have to unblock him and reach out and wait for a response just to hear that smarmy voice again, I thought you hated me—

(well, not always, sometimes we’d skip straight to admitting I missed you and he’d tell me the latest Broadway show he’d walked past today and thought he’d like to take me to—)

I snap the rubber band. Focus. Crisp air coming in through the windows and crackly beats on the old Bluetooth speaker and a club we went to in Berlin on my Instagram feed. I’m having to scroll back pretty far, but there’s a specific post I want to show her from the night Nick and I went there together for a concert. Nick’s face is largely blocked behind a stereo, but if you look you can see mine in the front row, looking absolutely miserable as he grinds on me.

Nick had thought it was fucking hilarious.

THE SORROW, I text, throwing in a screen-recording of me zooming into my own crestfallen face. I look like a guy about to be fucking executed. Or maybe standing in line at the DMV.

I ACTUALLY HATE THIS BUT I KNOW IT WILL MAKE YOU SMILE

LOOK AT HOW SAD

LIKE ACTUAL SORROW

An almost instant response: Give me a moment

I AM DISTRAUGHT. It’s almost artistic how many different versions of misery exist in that face, side-eyeing the cameraman I don’t even remember being there on stage. Annoyance. Boredom. Disgust. Contempt.

I remember Nick’s laugh just barely audible above the noise, before he stole a kiss and told me to smile. God, imagine if they’d posted that instead.

It’s actually pretty funny, now. Still—

Picture it in your head: Wanting to tell your sister about why you two had fought when you’d gotten back to the hotel room, so drunk and high you could barely stand, and before you can finish your carefully constructed half-truth, she asks if that’s where you got the scar right above your eye.

And I’d almost said, That was a different fight.

And I’d almost said, I’d wanted to call you, but I couldn’t really see my phone.

And I’d almost said, He’d said he was sorry for the scar. Which means that when I’d crawled out of his tub in the morning, a wad of cotton stuck in the dry blood on my forehead, he’d made me blueberry pancakes and left them outside the bathroom door and never really said “I’m sorry” at all. But there’s a lot Nick never says out loud.

Knock the number back down to zero. The balance of the universe evened out. No, I’d texted back.

(For what it’s worth, I threw the pancakes in the trash.)

(For what it’s worth, I keep the teddy bear that came with them in the drawer with the rest of his shit.)

Another text from her, this time a crop of my miserable face with a 4chan text pasted right below it/

I had to, she quickly amends, and for a moment I remember what it’s like to miss her instead: the midnights in drive-thrus, the in-jokes, her wide, shit-eating grin. The only equations that of how many bags of jellybeans we have enough cash for as she sits in the shopping cart sneaking handfuls from the tiny hole she’s clawed in the bottom.

If only you knew how bad things really are

I laugh so loud I can hear the cat running face-first into a kitchen chair.

#2d nonsense #alberto scorfano #giulia marcovaldo #nick tag #abuse mention

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forever-waiting · 7 years

Text

“We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. ”

One

You were my first that I explored with in my mind,

I would think of scenarios, walks along the beach and holding hands for the first time.

It was the birth of technology and so I would pine,

over the two of three photos of you that I would look up online.

I would see you afar occasionally... once or twice a week,

but you curled by my side every night before I fell asleep.

It was innocence and pure, the first ever rush

that came after puberty, my first teenage crush.

Two

You were the first crush I befriended, now I was thirteen

although we talked on the daily it was only behind the screen.

I think I liked you and happened to start chatting through circumstances of chance,

but the feelings grew stronger as our friendship advanced.

And so the oddest occurrence would happen everyday,

I’d see you in the distance and I would run away.

For I was too scared too shy to face what had grown,

yet I would be so excited to talk to you as soon as I got home.

I remember when I was in Italy, in the back of the car,

My parents had followed the GPS and it had taken us afar.

We’d strayed from the highways and into the countryside fields,

and the shades of pink and indigo were dancing on our wind shield.

I was tired of reading Percy Jackson and my little red mp3,

so I would do my third favourite car activity and begin to day dream.

I’d dream of you injured all bruised and alone,

and how I was the only one who to, your emotions would show.

I would heal your worries and distract you with a kiss,

and you’d forget all your sorrows and wish for more moments like this.

I’d dream that you’d fight with the first one I liked,

I dreamed that there was a brawl because you didn’t treat me right.

and in this particular scene you ended up behind bars,

whilst I tended to my first’s fresh wounds and scars.

You were the first I ever thought about in that way,

For the first time I craved someone’s sweat in my dreams and in the day.

I even recall I casted a spell,

hoping you would feel something for me as well.

I remember your picture hidden in the corners of my room,

and I would perform a ritual and pray to the full moon.

I remember I wrote your name on paper in the shape of the heart,

and for days my good luck charm I could not stand to be apart.

I remember one day when you were under the weather,

and you were going out shopping with your family together,

and I asked you to bring a jumper so it wouldn’t get bad,

and when I found out you disobeyed my request I had honestly never been so mad.

It’s crazy to reminisce now and realised how much I cared back then,

but it’s probably because of this, that I so easily for you gave up my best friend.

I don’t know if it’s too late but I just hope that you never ever throw away,

that brown plushie hong kong souvenir we hastily and discreetly shoved in your bag that hot summers day.

Three

You were my first crush that I originally saw only as a friend,

I didn’t care about you much and ignored your efforts on msn.

I remember you were particularly affectionate and I found it weird,

that you would hug me and proclaim your love for me so openly and without fear.

Of course this was platonic and just your innocence of the day,

and I took advantage and lead your trust astray.

I very much do agree now when you recall about being so naive,

but a little part of me breaks when I remember it was me that broke you first and had you deceived.

I don’t remember why the flip switched on that particular day,

but I remember lying down on my bed and saying no way no way no way.

I actually made a pact to myself for you not to be next,

but ironically and unfortunately it only became more complex.

You became entangled in one of my best friends,

and out of jealousy I started gossip and attacked your weak defence.

I hated the ideas of my world colliding,

and I didn’t want to lose either of you to each others romanticising.

And when you found out... the immense faith you had in me,

was forever lost and is probably still somewhere out at sea.

It was a very tough road from then on,

because despite fucking up my feelings were still strong.

In fact they kept getting stronger I think I liked you the most,

so so so much that as opposed to the previous... all the small moments I had would not be able to fit into this post.

I remember that for years after I would chase for your love,

and despite you trying your hardest in our friendship it was never enough.

I would ask for you to express your love for me like you did back in the old days,

and say how much I preferred it when you liked to play.

I remember that one day I realised i was in so deep,

that I let you know that I had to cut you off I was so weak.

You were so confused and kept pestering me why,

and you said you’d pester me everyday until I returned to your life.

That moment hurt the most because I wanted so bad to tell you the truth,

but I couldn’t, it was for the best, for the best for you.

You gave me so much sorrow, but there were moments of joy sometimes.

I’d text you good morning on the days I’d wake up with you on my mind.

Our friendship was definitely the most invested, there were endless ups and downs,

you even coined it our rollercoaster, this ride we had found.

It’s why you know me so well now, and could tell the signs of Four,

you told me you knew it was coming and that you’ve seen it all before.

I just wish that as a friend I was so much better to you,

because I don’t think you’d trust me ever again the way I now trust you.

and I know that somewhere those broken pieces are still lost at sea,

and maybe even someday they’ll drift back to me.

and I’ll come back and return them and apologise,

and you’ll find your innocent self again come back into your every day life.

Four

You were someone I was friends with for years until things changed,

You’re also the first that’s capable of feeling the same way.

I first found it exciting to have you as a friend,

to have someone not in any of my friend circles was a godsend.

With you it was different, I found that I could be my true self.

I’d tell you everything, make symbolic jokes and trusted you in wealth.

One day I found out the jokes had made a relay,

into one of my friend circles and they confronted me.

I told you off and was on edge, but had faith in our trust.

But you kept repeating offences and so I stopped telling you stuff.

It’s sad because I think I never trusted someone more,

but i’m good at cutting people off so I showed you to the door.

Years went by we stayed in touch but only small chat,

somehow you got friendly with a circle and made your way back.

You grew some extra interests that collided with mine,

and so naturally we talked and hung and spent together much more time.

Once again I didn’t really care I had the upper hand,

You don’t have a lot of friends and I totally knew that.

We played by my rules and I barely compromised,

and when we fought I’d happily ignore and you’d always apologise.

But somewhere after one of these fights something started to change,

eventually I became sad that you were ignoring me.

We made up as usual and everything was alright,

but I suddenly started noticing that to me you were super nice.

I always genuinely appreciated when you helped me with big tasks,

but I started realising the small things that you did when I never asked.

I remembered that one time after another one of our fights,

for the first time in my life someone rocked up to my house on the day with a gift to apologise.

I started to feel again and it had honestly been years,

but I was so scared of this precious friendship that had come back, i had so many fears.

Usually I would let it develop and see where everything would go,

But I was tired of feeling heartbreak and unrequited so I didn’t let them grow.

Reflecting it was the dumbest move but I didn’t want more sad memoirs,

so to “save” this friendship I decided I would self sabotage.

It was the first time I confessed, it was the first time I let the other know,

But I killed it immediately saying how I hated how these feelings so.

What happened next was not as smooth as what I thought it would be,

I thought i’d be held accountable and the feelings would deseed.

I was immediately propelled into stages of grieving for these feelings,

It was probably a bad idea.. my way of dealing.

I was being spectated on my socials whilst I would mourn,

you read this very blog... my inner thoughts of forlorn.

I tried my hardest to keep to objective to keep the friendship preserved,

but you had so much control over every state of being and emotion in my reserves.

I started posting things that I wanted you deliberately to see,

I wanted you to see despite not your fault, how much you were hurting me.

It was definitely unhealthy and I’m happy I followed eventual advice,

to cut you off cold turkey and blocked access to take a break from you in my life.

It’s funny as the weeks went on... I got better and I thought I was ready to unblock and start interacting again soon

and found you had behind my back thrown me into the middle of this typhoon.

You showed my messages, this blog and sent them to our mutuals who didn’t know,

made them take your side, made fun and mocked me in your grandiose show.

It’s funny that after I had a long awaited talk with them they realised,

about your scheming ways and your victimised disguise.

There were many things you did along the way that hurt me honestly,

but none of them compare to this, this is treachery.

I changed my blog and blocked your accounts so you lost the last active part of me,

and you’ve still been caught stirring seeking attention even recently.

What hurts me the most is not the unrequited feelings, it’s our friendship...

When I think of you randomly now It always starts off warm and then I suddenly feel sick.

How can one have feelings for someone who hurt you so much like this,

How can one think of being friends when I was backstabbed on your lips.

I always knew you lacked emotional intelligence and that’s why you don’t have many friends,

but I didn’t think you’d break trust this deep, so deep it’s hard to amend.

I saw you at a dinner at a celebration the other night,

I spent the whole two hours at war, avoiding your gaze and your sight.

I stole a few glances it was impossible not to do,

and I left without saying a word without saying a word to you.

I left the car from my friends and they could tell I was feeling down,

they gave me words of support and strength and it really helped my frown.

I wonder what would’ve happen if I stayed behind for drinks,

would you have approached me and would we have tried to discuss these broken kinks.

You were one of my closest friends last year and It’s crazy to think how much has changed,

I know i’m not still better yet so I don’t know what else to say.

I’m still sad when I think of you but now I am enjoying and focusing on my life again,

I don’t know when or if we can still be friends.

FIVE ?

I’ve only had four serious experiences, and none of them requited.

and from this book/film I found some inspiration ignited...

to revisit them and see how much I originally had to give,

I’m only 22 and my heart has worn out through every experience it’s lived.

I originally thought I was a devoted hopeless romantic and would hope things to eventually look up,

but surely at this rate by five or six I will be bankrupt.

#callmebyyourame #call me by your name #cmbyn

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chocolatequeennk · 7 years

Text

Projected Longing, 3/3

Based on a prompt from @otpprompts: Person A can read minds and person B is always thinking about kissing them. Chapter 1 was all about Reluctant!Doctor and Interfering!TARDIS. Chapter 2 is Bad Wolf!Rose and… well, still Interfering!TARDIS. Chapter 3 is all Bad Wolf!Rose

This fills @doctorroseprompts “Bad Wolf reveal” prompt and @legendslikestardust “That was mine!” prompt.

The first part of this was betaed by @lastbluetardis–thanks, Ashley!

AO3 | FF.NET | TSP | Ch 1 | Ch 2

Previously...

Rose leaned against a pillar. What she was about to ask would change their lives, and she felt the tiniest bit of guilt for springing the question on him without any warning. Then she considered that he obviously hadn’t told her the truth about what had happened on the Game Station, and the guilt was easily banished.

“Rose?”

She crossed her arms over her chest and raised an eyebrow. “Yeah. I was just wondering, Doctor… You’ve never told me what really happened on the Game Station.”

The Doctor froze and his eyes widened, blown pupils revealing his sudden panic. “What really happened?” he asked, his voice squeaking.

Rose pushed off from the strut and strolled towards him. “Yeah. See, I know something happened, because I’ve heard your voice in my head ever since.”

He swallowed hard, making his Adam’s apple bob.

She hopped up on the jump seat leaned forward, pressing her palms into the worn leather. “So, I think it’s time you told me the full story. Don’t you?”

Chapter Three

Reeling from the revelation that Rose was apparently telepathic, the Doctor considered lying to her. But, as if she’d read his mind—and he had to admit that was a possibility—she crossed her arms over her chest and glared at him.

He tugged on his ear and pointed to the corridor. “Right,” he squeaked. “Absolutely. Why don’t we go sit down in the library and I’ll tell you all about it?”

Rose pursed her lips and studied him, but she seemed to decide he was sincere, because she slid off the jump seat and led the way down the corridor.

The Doctor kept his word. Sitting in the warm comfort of the library, he told Rose the whole story, from his point of view, starting with the moment he’d realised he would have to kill everyone on the Game Station to stop the Daleks. His immediate decision to send her home, how Jack and a few brave souls had fought off the Daleks, the Dalek Emperor’s challenge—coward or killer?

He stared into the fire. “And then, just as I thought the Daleks were finally going to exterminate me once and for all, I heard the most beautiful sound in the universe—the TARDIS engines.” He smiled wryly. “The Dalek Emperor was furious, thinking I’d found a way to escape. But I hadn’t—it was you who had found a way to rescue me.”

He chanced a glance at Rose, and the deep furrow between her eyebrows told him the memory block he’d placed in her mind was holding.

“But how?” she asked. “I remember… I remember talking to Mum and Mickey, and telling them I couldn’t just stay there while you were on the Game Station dying. And then…” Her face scrunched up, but eventually, she shook her head. “I can’t remember anything else.”

The Doctor blew out a breath. This was the part he didn’t want to explain, but she deserved to know at least some of the truth. “You looked into the heart of the TARDIS,” he told her. “Opened her up and looked into the Time Vortex. You merged with her, and together, you flew back to the Game Station. And then you used the power of Time itself to wipe every last Daleks from existence.” He carefully steered clear of thoughts of Jack, not prepared for that conversation tonight.

Rose pressed her hands to her temples. “Why can’t I remember?” she asked, her voice muffled. “I’m trying, but things get hazy after I told Mum and Mickey I was gonna come back, and then the memories are just gone until I woke up in the TARDIS right before you regenerated.”

The Doctor swallowed hard. This was the part of the story he’d been dreading most. He was under no delusion that Rose would appreciate him mucking about in her brain without her permission. He only hoped she would understand when he explained how much danger she’d been in.

“No one’s meant to look into the Time Vortex,” he explained, his voice soft. “That kind of power… If a Time Lord did it, they’d become a vengeful god. But you, Rose… you were a goddess of life. You came in and you saved us all.”

He stared at the fire, the flickering orange and red flames reminding him of Rose as the Bad Wolf. An echo of fear shot through him when he remembered the tears in Rose’s eyes as she confessed that her head was killing her, and he had to clear his throat before he could continue.

“But it was killing you—literally burning out your mind. I had to take it from you.”

And he’d done so with a kiss, with the most perfect first kiss ever. The fact that Rose would never remember that kiss hurt, but that was the price he had to pay for keeping her alive.

“Doctor,” Rose whispered, her voice strained. “Is that… is that when you… why you…” She stared up at him, her eyes finishing the question her mouth couldn’t.

The Doctor smiled gently and brushed a strand of hair back over her ear. “Yes. No one is meant to hold that power—not a human, and not a Time Lord. But it was worth it, Rose. I mean… I know we’ve had a rough few days, but we’re both still here. If I hadn’t taken the Vortex from you, I’d be alone.” Tears glistened in her eyes, but she nodded.

A moment later, her frown deepened. “But you still haven’t explained why I can’t remember.”

The Doctor shifted in his seat. “Ah. Yes. Well… Even though I took the Vortex out of you, part of the danger lies in the memory. I didn’t know how much danger the memory of being Bad Wolf would carry, so I… mighthavehiddenyourmemories.”

“Say that again… slower.” Rose’s low voice indicated she’d understood him just fine, but couldn’t believe her ears.

The Doctor flinched, then said, “When I took the Vortex out of you, I went into your mind and hid your entire memory of being Bad Wolf—from the moment you saw the graffiti on the playground, which is why your memories start to go fuzzy before you opened the heart of the TARDIS.”

There was a long, long pause, during which the Doctor didn’t dare look at Rose. He could feel her anger buffeting against his mind, and he simply sat in his corner of the couch and waited for her explosion.

It never came.

“Give them back.”

The Doctor whipped his head around at the quiet words. “What?”

Rose’s jaw was set. “Unblock my memories.”

“But—”

Her eyes glinted gold, and he snapped his jaw shut.

“You had no right, Doctor,” she said, enunciating each word so clearly, he could almost feel them cut into his skin. “You went into my mind and took something that belongs to me without asking. And you did it not because you knew it would kill me, but because it might be dangerous. You had no right.”

The repeated words shook with anger. The Doctor wanted to argue, but Rose was correct. He had gone into her mind without her permission, and he hadn’t had the right.

He nodded. “All right. I’ll unlock them, but you have to promise to tell me immediately if you feel any discomfort at all. Any headaches or dizziness, anything.”

He couldn’t control his fear, and after a moment, he felt Rose’s anger abate a little. She took his hand.

“I promise. But please, Doctor. Give me my memories back.”

Rose held her breath and waited while the Doctor raised his hands to her temples. There were lines around his eyes, and she knew he was terrified for her, but she needed to know what had happened. She’d fudged the truth earlier when she’d told Mickey that flying the TARDIS was blocked off, like it was forbidden. Truthfully, she hadn’t remembered flying the ship until Mickey said something.

The Doctor closed his eyes, and a moment later Rose felt a slight pressure in her mind as he formed a telepathic connection between them. She let her eyes close instinctively, and then she could see them both in her mind’s eye, standing in a room that looked like the console room.

All right, I locked your memories away under the console, the Doctor explained. He moved around the console-in-her-mind and pressed a few buttons, and then a panel opened and familiar golden light streamed out of it. It’s not real, of course.

Rose opened her mouth to snark at him for stating the obvious, but as the light surrounded her, she felt the memories fall back into place. She remembered it all—staring into the heart of the TARDIS, becoming the Bad Wolf, the determination she and the TARDIS had shared to keep the Doctor safe.

And she remembered something else she had done. With the Time Vortex in her mind, she’d been able to see every moment of Time in an instant—all that is, all that was, all that ever could be. She’d seen the moment she would be separated from the Doctor, and the fragmented timelines that went on from Canary Wharf… and then she’d reached through the possibilities of “all that ever could be” and selected a different path.

She looked at the Doctor. I made my choice a long time ago, and I’m never going to leave you.

He pressed his lips together, and the muscle in his jaw flexed. That’s impossible, he said, his voice short. You’re human, and I’m…

Rose shook her head, interrupting him. There would be no separation for them, ever. Not at Canary Wharf, as UNIT officials received an anonymous tip from Bad Wolf that the agency had far overstepped its bounds and put the entire planet at risk.

Not even the ravages of Time would part them. Rose brought the Doctor’s mind closer to hers and let him see the memory she’d just recovered.

The exposure to the Time Vortex had begun changing her physically the moment she’d looked into the heart of the TARDIS. With the same power that had destroyed the Daleks and given Jack immortality—she glared at the Doctor for a moment, but let that go for another day—she’d poured the essence of time into herself and the Doctor, giving them both the traditional twelve regenerations of a Time Lord.

A flash of shock went over their connection, and then Rose felt a jolt as the Doctor’s fingers accidentally moved from her temples. She opened her eyes and looked up at him.

The Doctor’s mouth hung open. “What?” He shook his head and raked his hand through his hair. “I’m sorry, what?”

The repeated words would have made Rose giggle, if she hadn’t recognised the emotion in his eyes as he stared at her. His eyes were wide and shining with shocked amazement, but his jaw was tense. She’d seen that combination of awe and fear on his face before—when she’d stepped out of the TARDIS as Bad Wolf.

And now one final memory slotted back into place. The Doctor reaching for her as the power of the Time Vortex burned through her mind. Tugging her close, then bending down to press his lips to hers. Pulling the Vortex out of her, starting the process of his own regeneration.

She quickly shoved down the guilt stirred up by that memory. He’d died for her, just as she had been willing to die for him. She couldn’t deny him the right to sacrifice himself when she’d been determined to do the same.

“Why would you do that for me?”

Rose’s heart broke when his voice cracked on the last word. She scooted closer, eliminating most of the distance between them, and cupped his jaw in her hand. “Because you were right,” she told him quietly. “I do need a Doctor. I will always need a Doctor, no matter what you look like.”

She held her breath, waiting for him to realise that if she remembered everything, of course she remembered that perfect kiss. The Doctor’s forehead furrowed adorably, but a moment later, a blush spread across his face, showing freckles that had been hidden before.

“Ah. That. I realise it’s not… I mean, kissing you when you wouldn’t remember… I suppose I shouldn’t…”

Rose moved her fingers to cover his mouth, giggling a little when his lips kept moving under her hand. “Doctor, it’s fine,” she told him. “I’d been wanting to kiss you forever.”

To her surprise, he blushed even harder. His mouth moved again, and she pulled her hand away to listen to him ramble.

“Well… I might have known that, too. That is to say… you know I’m telepathic. Well of course you know I’m telepathic, now that you are too.” He tugged on his ear and stared over her left shoulder, instead of looking right at her. “And Time Lord telepathy is typically limited to touch telepathy, unless we have our barriers down and someone nearby is thinking about us.”

Rose bit her lip and tried to work through what he’d just said. He’d been embarrassed when she told him she’d wanted to kiss him forever, and then he’d rambled about telepathy…

“Oh, God,” she groaned, dropping her head into her hands. “You heard all the times I thought about kissing you?” An’ more than kissing? she added silently.

The Doctor squeaked and reached up to loosen his tie. He’d certainly never heard any of those… other thoughts from Rose, and now he couldn’t decide if he felt like he’d been cheated, or if he were grateful Rose’s privacy hadn’t been invaded to that degree. With a reluctant sigh, he settled on the latter after a moment.

“Not all the times?” he said, his voice higher pitched than usual. “I asked the TARDIS to help me block them, because I wanted you to have your privacy.” He reached out and with a hand on her jaw, encouraged Rose to look at him again. “I promise, Rose. My mistake on the Game Station notwithstanding, I have always respected your privacy.”

The Doctor tried not to panic when Rose’s expression didn’t change, but at the same time, he was silently pleading with her to believe him, to trust that he hadn’t taken advantage of the unique insight he’d had into her desires.

And it’s not like I gave in and kissed you before, even though I wanted it just as much as you did, he added.

Rose tilted her head, and her hair fell over her shoulder. The Doctor’s hearts thudded painfully in his chest when she slowly licked her lips. He watched in fascination as she reached for his tie and played with the end.

“So…” she drawled, and her husky voice sent a shudder through the Doctor. “Will I need to spend the next year projecting thoughts about how tempting your bottom lip is before you kiss me again?”

The Doctor’s mouth when dry when she looked up at him through her eyelashes. He swallowed hard as he shook his head. “I don’t think that will be necessary,” he whispered. He leaned towards her slowly, giving her time to back away if this wasn’t what she wanted.

Instead, Rose pulled gently on his tie, and a moment later, they sighed in satisfaction when the longing they’d both felt was finally fulfilled.

#ficandchips #ten x rose #otpprompts #doctorroseprompts #legendslikestardust #cq's fic: projected longing #telepathy #bad wolf!rose is important to me #I really love how the reveal happens in this story #it's different from what I've done before #also!#I FINISHED A STORY!!#:D :D :D #fic by Nancy

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exoscenarios3 · 7 years

Text

It’s You. (Exo ft. Ikon) Pt.6

Pt.1, Pt.2 , Pt.3, Pt.4, Pt.5, Pt.7

When we all woke up the next morning, we saw that Star was gone, and Luna was pretty much freaking out about it.

“Where is Star?” She asked, frantically looking at all of us.

“I don’t know, I thought she slept with you guys.” Sehun says, shrugging.

“...No.” Luna shook her head. “She didn’t.”

“So, where is she then?” Kai asked.

“Who was on watch last night?” B.I. asked, scratching his head.

“I was.” Xiumin answered, raising his hand.

“Well?” Everyone asks, waiting for him to continue.

“She said something about having to be alone. I assumed she’d be back by now.” He said, shrugging,and looking at Luna.

“Why would you let her do that? It was late, she could get hurt.” Luna said, freaking out more.

“Did she say anything about where she was going?” Kai asked, putting an arm around Luna to help calm her down.

“No, I told you, she wants to be alone, so I let her.” Xiumin said, calmly.

“Why are you being so calm about this? She’s out there by herself, but you’re just shrugging it off like it’s nothing.” Luna said, about ready to snap his head off.

“Hey, it’s okay. She’s smart, she knows what she’s doing.” Kai said, looking Luna in the eyes.

“I’m sure she’s fine.” I say, actually feeling bad for her for once.

“You don’t know her!” Luna snapped at me, making me hate her again.

“Okay, you don’t have to be such a bitch, damn.” I cross my arms, and back away from her.

“Hey, what did I tell you about saying things like that?” Kai warned, giving me a look.

“I don’t think it matters, Kai. Besides, she’s the one who wants to get all snappy.”

“Watch your tone.” Kai said, scolding me. It’s childish to be fighting like this, but to be honest, it wasn’t that different back home.

“Xiumin, how could you let her just leave? And in the middle of the night! She could be dead!” Luna yelled, getting back on track to the real problem at hand.

“Did you watch where she went?” Jinhwan asked.

“I didn’t really pay attention.” Xiumin shrugged again. Even I couldn’t understand how he could be so calm in this situation. From what I’ve seen, Star and Xiumin are pretty close.

“What are we waiting for? Let’s go look for her.” Luna said, looking around at all of us, just standing around. “Now!” She yelled, storming out of the building, with us following behind.

We searched for hours, but came up with nothing. We entered random buildings, but still came up with nothing. After a while, we decided to go back to the building we were camping out in, and waited to see if she would come back, but she never did.

“Let’s go in the opposite direction then.” Baekhyun said, leading us down the street.

“Hey, look what I found!” Junhoe called out to us from a alley way.

“You found her!?” Luna asked, excited, and running to him.

“Oh, no... I found this guitar.” He said, strumming it.

“Oh cool!” I said, looking at it.

“Seriously? Stop getting distracted, and actually look please.” Luna said, annoyed at the two of us.

“Okay, calm down, Bernie Sanders. Can we not have fun?” I asked, scrunching my eyebrows at her.

“(Y/N).” Kai shot me a look, as a warning to stop.

“What? She’s so uptight.” I said, crossing my arms, and earning a look from Luna.

“She just lost her sister.” Kai said, like it was an excuse I cared about. I do admit that I like Star, and I want to find her, but just because she’s Luna’s sister, doesn’t make me have pity for Luna.

Junhoe looked from me, to Kai, and then to Luna. “How about some music to calm everyone down?” He said, starting to play the guitar he found.

Luna rolled her eyes, and walked away from us. “Let’s keep going. You better hope she’s not dead.” She says to Xiumin, who hasn’t looked any of us in the eye since we started looking for her.

We walked until we got to the middle of the city. When we turned a corner, the whole road was filled with infected. There was no way we could get passed them, even if we wanted to. One of them spotted us, and started running towards our group, while also getting the attention of the others.

“Run!” Kai yelled, turning around to run in the other direction, with us following behind him. We turned turned another corner, but were faced with even more infected.

“In here!” Jinhwan yelled to us, trying to get a door open to yet another building. “Help me!” He said to the other boys. Some of them ran to him, and tried to bust the door open, as the rest of us fought off the dead.

“Everyone inside, hurry!” Suho yelled, as they managed to finally get the door open.

I was the last one to make to the door, and Kai stopped me before he closed the door.

“Where’s, Luna?” He asked, looking at me frantically.

“She didn’t already go in?” I asked. He shook his head, no.

“Help!” Luna yelled from behind us.

She was in the process of killing an infected, but another one was coming up behind her. I ran behind her, right as the infected was about to bite her back. I lifted my arm without thinking, letting it bite my forearm. As it sunk it’s teeth into my skin, I put a knife through it’s head.

“Come on.” I said, grabbing Luna’s wrist, and ran into the building.

“What did you do!?” She yelled, once we were inside, and the door was closed, getting everyone’s attention.

I look down at my bleeding arm, and then back at her. “Oh, no, it’s okay.” I started, but she wasn’t listening.

“She’s bit.” Luna announced to everyone, making them all back away from me.

“(Y/N)....” Kai’s eyes travelled to my arm, his eyes widened in shock.

“You guys, it’s fine, I’m okay.” I say, reassuringly.

“How are you okay? You’re bit!” Lay yelled.

Everyone started talking at once, not allowing me to get one word in. “I’m immune!” I yell, gaining everyone’s attention now.

“Bullshit.” Donghyuk said, looking at me like I was the craziest person he’s ever seen.

“She’s telling the truth.” Jinhwan said, coming up to me. He held my arm, and started to clean the blood off of it, while wrapping it with a bandage he found.

“How would you know? Just because she’s your girlfriend , you’re just gonna agree with her?” Chanyeol asked, giving him a look.

“She’s gotta go.” Donghyuk said, pulling out his gun, and aiming it at me.

“Woah!” Everyone tried to stop him, but he didn’t put it down.

“Don’t even think about it.” Jinhwan stepped in front of me, blocking me from Donghyuk’s aim.

“Move Jinhwan.” Donghyuk said, in a demanding tone.

I looked at Kai for help, but he avoided my eyes, and looked at the ground, like he agreed with Donghyuk.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” I said, staring at Kai.

“How do we know she’s even telling the truth?” Donghyuk asked, taking a step closer.

I moved out from behind Jinhwan, and showed everyone the bite on my shoulder. “I was bit two months ago, if something were to happen, I’m pretty sure it already would have.” I say.

“What?” Kai walked up to me, and examined my shoulder.

“It’s nearly healed.” I said, showing everybody.

Everyone crowded around me, and examined my shoulder as well.

“Why wouldn’t you tell me this?” Kai asked, looking into my eyes now.

“I don’t know, Kai. Why would you just let someone shoot me?” I asked, growing angry that he didn’t even try to stop Donghyuk a minute ago.

“Guys, we’ve gotta go.” Baekhyun said, pointing at the infected building up against the glass doors.

“Shit, go out the back, and run towards camp.” Luna ordered.

“What about Star?” Xiumin asks, hesitant.

“We’ll figure it out when we get back. If it weren’t for your dumbass, we wouldn’t be in this mess.” Luna said, unblocking the back door, and ushering everyone out. We all ran, until we could no longer hear the groans of the infected.

“I hate running.” Chen whines, as he stops for a second, and puts his hands on his knees.

“Come on, cry baby. We gotta keep moving.” Junhoe said, patting him on the back, and getting him moving again.

When we got back to the camp, we found Star sleeping on one of the pallets in the back where we all slept the night before.

“Seriously?” I mumbled. “Thanks for having us risk our lives for nothing.” I say, glaring at Luna, before making my way to the other side of the room.

“Well, you know, that’s what you do for people you care about!” She yelled, making me stop in my tracks. “If you really love them, you’d do anything to make sure they’re safe. You’d risk everything. Even your life. But, you wouldn’t know that, because you’re too stuck up Jinhwan’s ass to even care about your own brothers feelings.”

I turned back around to face her, walking back up to her, and slapping her in the face. Everyone looked at me in shock, not knowing what to do. “Don’t you dare talk to me like that. I care about my brother more than you ever could even imagine. We may fight and bicker, but here’s a wake up call, that’s what most siblings do. I got this damn bite on my shoulder, just by looking for him, so don’t lecture me about not risking my life for him. And if you haven’t noticed, you’re stuck up Kai’s ass. I care about what happens to every damn person in this room. Oh wait, no, that’s a lie, because I couldn’t give two shits about you.” I spat at her, before walking off outside, leaving everyone dumbfounded, I haven’t really blown up like that in front of any of them before.

“I’ll talk to her, everyone just go see if Star’s okay.” I heard B.I. tell everyone. He caught up to me, and stopped me from walking, by grabbing my arm.

“B.I., I really just rather be alone.” I said, crossing my arms.

“Knowing you, you’d probably go off somewhere you aren’t supposed to.” B.I. laughed, trying to lighten my mood, but with the look I was giving him, he knows I wasn’t having it. “Look, I know Luna is a bit of a bitch, but please know that she acts the way she does, only because she cares about all of us.”

“Stop giving her excuses, she’s a bitch, and that’s pretty much it. I don’t like her, so don’t try to force me to.” I say, sitting on the ground.

B.I. sat down with me, and sighed. “Fine, I’ll stop talking about her, but I’m not going to leave you alone either. If you want to talk about anything, I’ll listen.” He said, giving me a smile.

We talked for a long time, Hanbin and I. Through the months I’ve known him, he’s acted like a brother to me, even more so when Kai was gone. I’m happy about it. If it weren’t for him acting a my brother figure, then I don’t know how I would’ve coped

Night soon came, and the two of us went inside, seeing everyone gathered around, talking about our next plan.

“There you guys are, Star was just telling us about a school not far from here. We’re gonna go raid it, and see if we can get some good supplies.” D.O. explained, as he saw us come in.

“We’ll have to clear it, but it looks promising.” Star said, showing everyone where the school is on a map.

“We should leave in the morning. Everyone should get good rest tonight. I’ll be on watch.” Luna said, already heading to the front of the building.

Early that next morning, we got everything ready, and started walking in the direction of the school that Star was talking about. It took a long time, but we made it, and saw that the front was completely covered with infected.

“I saw a way through the back. It’ll be easy to sneak back there.” Star said, leading the group towards that direction. We followed close behind her, making sure to stay extra quiet, and watch her back as she cleared some branches away from a hole in the building. “We can get in through here, come on.” She said, crouching down, and going through the hole.

“Be careful, okay?” Kai said to me, as we walked down the halls.

“Kai, I’m fine.” I shrug him off, and continue to walk forward. I’m glad that he was showing that he cared again, but I’m also still a little salty about everything.

“Hey guys, check this out.” Chanwoo calls from one of the classroom. We all go to where he is, and looked at what interested him so much.

“Woah.” Bobby said, looking around. The room was filled with weapons and supplies.

“So, does that means this is someone’s hide out, or?” Kai asked, picking up one of the guns, and examining it.

“If this was someone’s hideout, there wouldn’t be infected crawling around everywhere. Maybe it was someone’s hideout, but there’s no way they’re still alive.” Star says, walking into the room and checking it out, along with everyone else.

We continue to look at all the stuff, debating whether or not to take it all, when we heard some noise coming from the hallway. We all crouched down, and got out of plain sight. A girl and a boy walked in. Thank god the room was dark, because we weren’t hidden that well.

“Did we leave this door open?” The guy asked, looking at the door.

“I don’t know.” The girl said, walking closer to the guy, and grabbing his collar. “Let’s finish what we started last night.” She said, pulling the guy into the room fully, and planting her lips on his.

Chen makes a disgusted face, and moves closer to me, and away from the two people making out with each other. ‘Do something.’ Chen mouthed to Luna.

“Okay, that enough!” Luna stood up, and pointed her gun at the two.

They pulled away from each other, and held their hands up. “Wait, don’t shoot.” The girl says.

“How’d you get all these weapons?” Luna asked, grabbing a few of the weapons for herself.

“Hey!” The guy yells, trying to get the weapons back, but Xiumin quickly held him back.

Suddenly, we all hear a loud clicking noise coming from the halls, making us all go silent.

“What is that? I’ve never heard that sound before.” I say, looking around nervously.

“Don’t move, or make any sound. They’re called clickers. (Ha, references) They can’t see you, but they can sense you.” The girl whispers.

The clicker, as she called it, came around the corner, and stopped at the doorway. It just sat there for a good minute, before making it’s way into the room slowly. We held our breath as we watched it. It paused for a second, and walked up to Jinhwan, getting in his face. I opened my mouth to say something, but Kai quickly covered it. Jinhwan shut his eyes as tight as he could, and waited for the clicker to leave. Finally, it decided that there was nothing of use in here, and left the room. The guy quickly closed the door, to make sure it wouldn’t come back in.

“The guns,” Luna continued, getting back on track. “where did you get them, and where is the rest of your group?” She asks.

“We collected them. We raided a military base a few days ago, and that’s where most of it came from. As for the rest of our group, we are held up in a small community. It’s consisted of mainly children and elders. We do have a few strong men and women though.” The girl explains.

“What’re your names?” Star asked.

“I’m GD, and that’s CL.” The guy introduces, pointing to himself, then to the girl beside him.

I couldn’t help but laugh a little. “Does the rest of your group only have two letters for names?” I asked.

“Don’t be rude, (Y/N).” Kai said, nudging me.

“Wha? Rude? Luna is holding a gun to them, and we’re taking their supplies. How am I being rude?” I asked.

“I’m sorry, but, we need those weapons.” CL said, taking one of the guns back from Chen.

“Look, you have a whole community, we only have us. Let us take some.” Luna says, gesturing to us all.

“We need to take care of that community, and these supplies are going to help us do that.” CL argued back.

“Look,” GD said, putting his hand up to calm CL down. “We have plenty of space in this community, if you want, you can be apart of it. It’s safe, there’s actual houses with beds to stay in and everything. You don’t have to fight out here anymore.” GD said, trying to reason with us.

“How can we trust you?” Junhoe asked, looking the two up and down.

“We can ask the same to you.” GD says. “We have interview when we bring people in, to make sure we can trust them. I promise you can trust us. There’s no way for the dead to get in, the neighborhood is run on solar power, so there’s electricity and running water... You all look like you could use a break.” He explains, looking at us all.

“If you are unsure, you can leave whenever you want. There’s nothing holding you back.” CL says.

We all look at each other, deciding if this was a good plan or not. It’s the only ‘plan’ we’ve heard in a long time.

“Come on, electricity AND running water? I think we should go. We could all use a shower.” I pleaded.

“Fine. Only for a couple of days, and if we don’t like it, then we’re leaving.” Luna says.

CL and GD nodded, and smiled. “Great. Um, we have four others with us, waiting outside to get all the stuff loaded in the truck, you all should probably meet them.” CL said, leading us out of the room, and to the side entrance of the school.

When they opened the door, there were two guys and two girls sitting on the ground waiting. They all stood up when they saw us, and defensively reached for their weapons.

“Guys, it’s okay. They’re going to join our community.” GD said, waving a dismissive hand at them.

“Everyone, this is Soyou, Doyoung, Wheein, and Yuta. Guys this is... Actually, I don’t think we got your names.” CL said, looking at us. We all introduce ourselves to everyone, and everyone bows respectfully to each other.

“So, do you guys have cars? You can follow us if you’d like. The community isn’t really in walking distance.” GD says.

“No, we don’t.” Kai shook his head.

“We have the truck, and another car. I don’t know if you’ll all fit but we can try.” Wheein said, positively.

“We have a lot of people in our group, so I doubt we’ll fit.” Suho says, gesturing towards everybody.

“Lucky for you, I saw an RV parked in the parking lot, the only problem is... There’s a ton of the dead surrounding it.” Yuta mentions.

“Well, we’ve dealt with worse.” Lay said, letting out a small sigh.

Yuta showed us where the RV was. It was surrounded by maybe a dozen infected, but we could clear them easily. Once we did get them cleared, we got into the RV, and looked for keys. Jinhwan found them hidden in the glove box, and tossed them to Suho, who had volunteered to be the one to drive. We all helped CL’s group get the guns and supplies loaded, and then got back into the RV to follow them to the community.

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jessylaurenxo · 7 years

Text

The story of us

** this may affect some people. DV triggers, miscarriage triggers, suicidal triggers**

I am in need of some serious advice/help. I have a long, emotional story that I need to share, so please bare with me. I have kept this to myself for a long time. No one I know really knows my story. People who don’t know what’s going on, look at me like there’s nothing wrong with me. They judge me and they talk about me like I’m making all this up in my head, that I’m crazy or something. So I need to do this for me. I need to help them understand what’s going on in my head. Or at least try. I’m so sorry if this triggers anyone or upsets anyone in any way. It’s hard to talk about, and it still really, really hurts. So please be understanding and try to keep an open mind. Some of you may work out who I am from this post; if you know me well enough and can read through the lines. But you won’t have known the full story. Not until now.

I have decided to turn to you all, because I’m at wits end and I don’t really have anywhere else to go at this point. I have been in hospital, seen psychiatrists, psychologists, doctors etc. I have been on antidepressants for quite some time now, and I have surrounded myself with my friends and family as much as possible. None of which has really helped. I suffer from severe depression, anxiety & PTSD, which began from the age of 15. I constantly think about ending my life. Last night I wrote a goodbye letter to my family and planned on taking 5 different types of painkillers. But I told myself that I’d tell my story first. At least that way I didn’t die without finally explaining everything. You see, I was in a 7 year relationship. And I’d like to say I don’t love him or care about him anymore, but I still do. No matter what he’s done to me, I stupidly still think the world of him. Because he was my first love. Admittedly we’ve been on and off for 7 years. For many reasons. Some of which I’ll explain in detail soon. But we recently only just ended it with each other officially 3 months ago. He blocked me on everything after that. It was physically impossible to get through to him. I tried to contact him when he’d finally unblock me off of something. Sometimes I’d get a message through here and there and he’d reply. But it was the same stuff every time. He’d yell at me and block me again. 2 days ago I managed to send another message through to him. He replied and we had a somewhat civil conversation. He then showed up at my place last night. We talked and he fought with me and blamed me for everything that went wrong in our relationship. He told me he didn’t love me anymore. Which was a massive kick to the chest because you can’t just stop loving someone after being with them for 7 years. It’s not possible. I think he didn’t mean it, but he was out to hurt me any way he could. The man standing in front of me wasn’t the man I fell in love with back in 2010. He looked the same. But his heart had changed and he was hostile and I had never known him to be like this, ever. He told me he had slept with someone not long after we broke up. He matched with them on tinder or POF. He had been seeing women from the moment we ended it and I was sitting around at home waiting for him to show up. Still in love with him. Thinking that it was just a silly little fight and we’d sort it out soon. Stupid fucking me. It explained why he was being so cruel to me. He knew he had slept with other people and that made him cocky. He knew I had been hurting and waiting for him. He knew he could hurt me and he did. Since he left I’ve been on a downward spiral. I can’t understand how he claimed to have loved me so much, but he moved on so quickly. My heart is the most broken its ever been. Sharing my life with him for 7 years and losing a child to him and having all these plans to spend forever together just keeps replaying in my head. I can’t escape it. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.

It all began back in February 2009. I was 15 years old and on my way to my cousins’ 21st birthday party. Unaware at that point, I would meet my first ever true love. I mean, I had boyfriends before him. They mattered I guess, but they weren’t as emotional or meaningful. Just high school bullshit (getting cheated on etc). This relationship was different. I knew it from the moment I laid eyes on him that this was going to be different. Something I would take with me for the rest of my life. I kid you not though, the second I saw him, something hit me. I don’t know what.. I don’t even know how to explain it. I literally got goosebumps and everything stopped for what seemed like an eternity. I told myself that maybe it was a sign that he was ‘the one’. He made his way over to me and introduced himself. He was a high school friend of my cousins’. He was handsome.. with deep brown eyes and black hair. Not much taller than me, and quite a skinny build. But nonetheless, he took my breath away each time he smiled. A part of me knew at this moment that I was done for. He was 20 at that stage. We exchanged numbers that night, and we chatted here and there for about a year. He dated my other cousin for 6 months following the 21st party. He also lost his virginity to her. They broke up due to many things, although I don’t think I ever got the full story. I don’t think I ever will. We didn’t officially start dating until the following year. On the 12th of February 2010, I had arranged to meet him outside McDonalds in my hometown after school. I took my best friend along for support, and he had his best friend there with him too. We met up and we talked for ages. He then asked the big question: “Will you go out with me?”. My heart was so happy. Of course I said yes.

It was the beginning of something incredible.. and also something horrific.

We were inseparable. Or at least we tried to be. He lived and worked an hour away, and I still lived at home with my parents. We could only see each other on the weekends, which didn’t always go to plan because I never told my family about him that early on. They didn’t approve of a 20 year old dating a 15 year old. Which is completely understandable. So we had to sneak around for a long time to see each other. After 2 months of being together, he began to become odd. He was irritable and snappy. He told me that he wanted to have sex with me. In fact, he more so pushed for it and begged me for it. I was 15 and never had sex before. I was frightened and I knew I wasn’t ready for it. He threatened to leave me if I didn’t do it. Called me all these names and made me feel like shit. I didn’t want to lose him, so I built up the courage and I had sex with him. I lost my virginity to him in the front seat of his car, parked out in the bush. He tore me and I bled a bit. I was a nervous wreck and I didn’t enjoy it at all. All I could think of was the pain. I let him get off and I sat there shaking the entire time. He told me I’d get over it.. that it wasn’t right to make a man wait for sex. And because I loved him, I dropped it and just got on with life. From there our sex life began. The first few times were terrible, but eventually it got better and better and we did it all the time, sometimes 5-10 times a day. Our sex life was always great. The first 2 years of our relationship was relatively normal. We had our ups and downs, just like everyone else, but nothing too extreme. For the first 2 ½ years though, we lived away from each other. It was when I had just turned 19 that we decided to finally move in together. I hadn’t found a job where he lived, so the plan was to drive back and forth to my hometown to work at the job I had there until something else came up. That was all well and good, until I was made redundant as the business went under. I had no money and I was scared to be moving away from my family, but we had already found a place to live, so we made the decision to move in together even though he would have to support us for a while. I applied for hundreds of jobs in the first few weeks. Not one call. For 3 months I was jobless. All we did was fight. He was mad because he had to support us. He was only on a small tradie wage, so he didn’t take home too much money. Just enough to get us by. I stayed home cleaning the house all day and applying for jobs as best I could. Eventually something came up. But it was 6 hours a week worth of a job. I worked as a merchandiser and demonstrated products to customers. It wasn’t much but it made me a small amount of cash. But I admit I was immature and stupid back then. Instead of giving him the money to help us out, I used it to pay for my own bills here and there, and also bought unnecessary things. It didn’t help that the household was hostile though. I did/bought whatever I could to cheer myself up. We fought every day. I felt like I had no way out. I called my mum up to 10 times a day, and sat on Facebook trying to talk to family and friends, then got yelled at because my phone bill was through the roof. I had no friends down there, I had no one to talk to but him. He was always mad at me though. Which made it hard to want to be there. So this is where the depression kicked in. I tried to kill myself on many occasions. I slit my wrists, I tried to hang myself, I locked myself in my car and tried to gas myself, I tried to overdose, I tried to drink chemicals. All to which he saved me from. He then became violent and abusive. He broke many things during our fights. He threw things, punched walls, knocked things over, ripped up precious memories of us and broke things that I’ll never get back. Our fights were petty. They were the result of us struggling. He took his anger out on me and everything around him. At the start he’d only break things, but as things got harder and harder he started to use me as his punching bag. I remember two particular times that I need to tell you about that are very important. The first time was when I met a friend from school down there who I started hanging out with (let’s call her Erin). She knew things weren’t good in our relationship as I confided in her, and we started spending time together to take my mind off of things. She experienced his true dark side. One night we planned a girls night. We were going to go out drinking and it was her shout. I don’t particularly like drinking or clubbing. It’s never really been my thing, but she wanted to cheer me up, so I agreed to go. I told my boyfriend about it earlier in the week and he was fine with me going. That night he watched me be all excited to go out, do my make up, he even helped me zip up my dress and told me to stay safe. But suddenly he changed. He went quiet. It was like a switch had flicked. It all happened so quickly. I was all ready to go and Erin was on her way over in a cab to pick us up. I told him goodbye and that I loved him. I began walking towards the door. But he put his arm out and coat-hangered me. He knocked me to the ground and started to choke me, saying I wasn’t going out and that I needed to call her and tell her I wasn’t coming. He shredded the dress off of my body. Into tiny little pieces. Right in front of me. He ripped my bra and panties off and shredded them as if they were paper. He snapped the heels off my shoes, all the while with his grip still holding me down. I tried to fight him to get free but he was too strong. So I lay there naked and defenceless. I was crying in hysterics. Begging for him to stop. He yelled at me so close to my face that I had a bruise show up on my forehead from the pressure of his head against mine. He yelled until I started to go deaf in one ear. It rang for the next 2 weeks. To this day I still can’t hear out of it properly. He used to do that in every fight we ever had. Grab my head and scream at me/in my ear. He’d spit all over my face and there were times where he’d even bite me. He grabbed my phone and screamed at me to messaged her. “I’m sorry Hun, I’m starting to feel sick, I won’t be coming tonight..”. I tried to make it sound as normal as possible. She must have known something wasn’t right. She didn’t ask questions though. We slept in separate beds that night. He apologised the next morning and we got on with our life.

The second time was worse. He always told me if I ever got a tattoo he would leave me. He said tattoos were for sluts. And that every girl that had one was a skank. I have always loved tattoos and wanted them, but I was never allowed to get one. One day I was out shopping with Erin. He called after he finished work and asked me where I was. I told him where and not long after he showed up. He didn’t say hello, not even a hug, the only words that came out of his mouth were: “I’m going to the football tonight with my mates”. They had corporate box seats. I became upset. I was never allowed to go anywhere or do anything without his permission. He controlled my every move, but he could do whatever he wanted and it really hurt. I waited until we got home to tell him how much it upset me, but he still said he was going. I had gotten a job at the footy stadium so that meant I was working the footy game. It didn’t bother me that I had to work, it bothered me that he put rules down that I had to follow or I’d get in trouble, but if he wanted to do something there was no way I could stop him. He went out drinking and doing things without me all the time. If I even went for a drive somewhere to clear my head and he found out, he’d tell me I was costing him money on fuel and it would start world war 3. I was confined to the house and I hated it. So I found my balls and said, “if you go to the football then I’m going to get a tattoo”. He told me exactly what I knew he would. “I will leave you if you do.” Erin had witnessed the whole fight standing in our living room. I grabbed her by the arm and walked out. We drove to the nearest tattoo parlour and I got my first tattoo. I didn’t exactly get what I really wanted. A rash decision made in hast. I was still happy with it though. It had meaning to me. And I could have added a whole lot more to it down the track. He told his family and friends about it, and said it didn’t have meaning. That I was just stupid, and spun the story into a lie to make him look like the good guy, and made me out to be someone I wasn’t. I drove home and he wasn’t there. He came home not long after and he saw my arm. He went so red that he almost turned blue. He started packing my stuff and throwing it out the door. Strangely though, he started emptying the fridge first, before packing anything, which made me think that something wasn’t right with him. He threw all the cold stuff on the driveway and then began packing my stuff. He chucked most of that out on the driveway too. He also cut all the power cords to our appliances so that I 'couldn’t cost him anymore money’. I was baffled by that one. The police also found that one strange. They had never known anyone to do that. He told me if I wanted to stay with him I needed to get it removed the next day. He didn’t understand that it needed to heal first. But I told him that this was my way of standing up for myself. He walked all over me all the time and it hurt. I did what I had to do. Even though I’m not proud of it. He went to the football and got drunk. I went to work and worked my ass off for the whole game. I got home around 11pm and he was still out drinking. He stumbled through the door around 1am. I had Erin spending the night with me just in case. I told her things may get hostile. She was prepared. I asked her to pretend to call the police if she felt it was getting too much, just to try to scare him a little. Hopefully enough for him not to hurt me. He was very drunk. He started yelling at me. Calling me a slut, etc. I fought back and tried to explain to him how it felt to be in my position. He was drawing the life out of me. Even though I loved him so much. He began to break stuff. He grabbed me and he hit me. Multiple times. He pushed me over and held me down and started to choke me. I felt myself nearly fall unconscious before he let go. I glimpsed up at Erin who had done what I asked. She pretended to call the police. She had his attention. He released me and walked over to her. Unfortunately he called her bluff and saw that the screen light on her phone was still on and that she hadn’t called anyone at all. He told her off and then he turned back to me and started yelling again. This time Erin was frightened for her own safety. He was getting out of control, walking around breaking things and telling me he wished I was dead. He grabbed me again and I thought that this time I may not get free. He was too drunk to reason with. She dialled 000 and in the midst of him choking me and screaming at me I managed to get out a small 'No!’. She had already started talking to someone, saying she needed help, but when she heard me she hung up. He knew she wasn’t kidding this time. He freaked out and ran out the door and up the street. We jumped in the car and tried to find him but without any luck. The police kept calling and calling. They had every right too. You see, as much as I knew that what was happening between us was wrong, I loved him too much to ever call the police on him. I told Erin to answer the call and tell them that everything was fine and that it was just a misunderstanding. They said they needed to come out and see for themselves just in case. I returned back to the house after an hour of searching for him, and he was sitting in our carport with two police officers. He had told them the truth just in case we had already told them. He wanted to go out an honest person. That night they put a DVO against him. NOT ME. The police. I never wanted it. People believe I put it on him, but that’s not true. I fought SO HARD to protect him but they were concerned for my safety. My hair was a mess, my clothes were ripped, I had blood and bruising and bite marks on my body that were visible from our struggle. They did what they thought was right. And from then on, he never looked at me the same way again. He went to bed without one word to me. Erin stayed the night just for support. I took Erin home the next day and she never stayed again. When he finally started talking to me again, our fights got even worse. I knew I needed to leave. I was hurting him being there. I had organised my family to come take me home and help me move. I didn’t want to go, but I didn’t know how we’d get through this. We had neighbours in a unit next door that we became friends with. We’d chat all the time. One day during the week I was planning to move, he and I got into another fight. The worst I had ever experienced. The house was trashed. He took all his anger out on me. All of it. He held nothing back. He blamed me for everything that went wrong in his life. He told me I costed him too much money and that I was a whore and that I didn’t love him. He destroyed everything in his path. Punched walls, doors, windows, and me. I remember standing at opposite sides of the kitchen bench. He was seeing red with how angry he was. I was petrified. I tried to calm him down, to reason with him the best I could. I begged for us to stop fighting. I loved him so much and seeing him this way killed me. He grabbed a knife out of the block, reached over the bench, grabbed me by my hair and held it to my throat. He threatened to cut me up into tiny pieces and bury me where no one would ever find me. He pretended to run the knife across my neck and then he threw me back. To this day he claims he never said that. That I made it all up in my head. But I won’t ever forget it. He then threw the knife and in his anger he started smashing bench. He hit the liquid dishwashing detergent bottle. It exploded and got me right in my eyes. I fell to the floor in pain. Our yelling must have gotten heard by our neighbours but they didn’t come running straight away. In panic, he grabbed me by my hair and started to drag me up the hallway to the bathroom. I couldn’t see. I was scared to move. He just dragged me by my hair the whole way. I had a bleeding scalp from how hard he pulled. He yanked my head under the tap and turned the water on. I began to struggle to breathe underneath his grip. I thought to myself, 'this is it, this is how I’m going to die..’ I tried to tell him I couldn’t breathe but he wasn’t listening to me. My nose was blocked from crying so much that I knew at any second he was going to drown me. I had no oxygen. He was just holding me there. I tapped on his hand constantly and tried to make him let go but in his anger he wouldn’t listen. Suddenly there was a man in the room and the grip on my hair was released. I looked up through painful eyes to see he was pinned my his neck to the bathroom wall getting screamed at by one of our neighbours. I knew he was going to beat the shit out of him if I hadn’t of stepped in. I screamed 'No! Please don’t hurt him!’. The father and son next door had come running to save me. The son checked to see if I was okay. They wouldn’t leave until we explained to them what was happening. I told them as little as I could to try to help my partner. They told him to get help. And begged for me to leave him. Then we never saw them again. I moved out that week and we broke up. He claims that he went into a serious depression and that he was going to kill himself. I never saw it though. It became an endless roller coaster of us breaking up and getting back together again. This went on for years. We never moved back in together though. I ended up getting my own place. And he moved in with work mates. When things were good he’d stay with me. When things were bad I didn’t hear from him for long periods of time. The place I lived in last year, I had wonderful neighbours. He and I had a silly fight one night and I accidentally pushed him into my glass sliding door. Thankfully he didn’t get too hurt. Just a few cuts, but I was so upset. I apologised profusely. We stopped fighting immediately and I helped him. The neighbours came running because they heard the smash of the glass breaking. I wear glasses and I have terrible eyesight at night and the lights were off and I didn’t see the door there at all. Luckily it wasn’t up to door safety regulation as it didn’t have the white stripe that goes through the middle of it to make it visible at night, so I was so lucky that the real estate replaced it for me. He claims to this day that I did it on purpose. He also claims he went through the door, when really he was still on the inside with me, I know because I was still holding on to him when it shattered. I was so grateful he was okay. I bandaged him up and we stopped fighting. But afterwards he went and lied and told everyone that I was violent and crazy. Mind you his family hadn’t spoken to me in 3 years. He ran to them every time something went wrong and told them so many lies about me that they refused to have anything to do with me. For 3 years I had no contact with any of his family. As far as I know, they all hate me. They never gave me the chance to make things right. They just pushed for him to leave me. Told him I was bad for him. And he listened. He made no effort to tell them the truth. He lied to them about us dating, he lied to them about anything he could to make him look like the good person, when really it was BOTH OUR FAULTS. He never took responsibility for his actions. And now I have to live with the suffering of them everyday while he’s out sleeping around and enjoying his life. The police didn’t get called that night, but I told him this time round that it was my fault. That I took the blame for it. He was welcome to press charges for me pushing him into the door if he felt I deserved them. But he never did. Before I moved out of that place, he and I had one last serious fight. I had decided to move back home and be with my family because I found out I was incapable of having children. My body didn’t develop right and so the doctors told me I may never fall pregnant. They told me the time to try was now if I ever wanted to become a mother. But I knew my partner would never want a baby with me. He always said he wanted kids, but he refused to get married. I knew he wasn’t ready for kids though. He had recently gone through cancer treatment and was dealing with his own demons. The last thing he would have wanted was a kid. And so I suffered in silence. I wasn’t myself. He didn’t pick up on it though and as stupid as it is, it made me so upset. I told him I was moving and that I was leaving him. I gave him no reason why. With the unit almost empty, on one of the last nights I was there, he begged me to stay. He told me he’d buy me everything I sold and that he’d move in with me. But I couldn’t believe anything he was saying because he always made promises that he didn’t keep. He told me over and over again every time we fought that he never wanted to live with me again. That he didn’t see us lasting. Finding out about my infidelity broke me more than I ever thought was possible. Because I wanted nothing more than to start a family with him and finally be happy. I felt like if I had stayed, I was just going to let him down and that he’d never be happy with me because he’d eventually want children and I wouldn’t be able to give him what he wanted. It tore me to shreds to leave. But I knew he’d never understand. So I left. I moved back home to be closer to my family. They knew what was going on and knew I needed support. I still had a few more days left with the unit though, so I stayed in it while it was empty. He came around one night and eventually he got everything out of me. He was hurt and told me he would have still stayed with me even if I couldn’t have kids. That we could have tried IVF or adopted or something. He told me if I had or just told him what was going on, he could have helped me through it. But I was so broken, I just felt so ashamed and hurt, that I couldn’t bring myself to tell him. He eventually understood where I was coming from but he told me that he wasn’t going to take me back this time round. It broke me even more when I heard that. I didn’t end up staying with my family. I was literally there for a week and decided it was too much. I started applying for more jobs back where I was and found another place to live as well. I moved back and while we had been on a break, he had planned to go overseas to America for 3 weeks at the last minute with some fiends, because he wasn’t coping very well either. That killed me. Because this was his first time overseas and I had hoped that he and I would do it together. I’ve never been out of the country, and we had always planned to start off small and go to Bali or somewhere to get a feel of travelling before taking on bigger and better places. He had all these plans. I think that’s what hurts the most. Is that I have to try and somehow move on like they never even existed. While he was in America, we talked and we sort of fixed things. He came home and we made love. I had missed him so much. It was so good to have him hold me and touch me. Things were okay for a while after that. While he was away though, I had been doing tests and getting ultrasounds and things done to better understand what was wrong with my body. I had been taking medications that were playing up with my pill. I thought I was protected, but turns out I wasn’t. And a miracle happened. I conceived. On the day he got back from America to be exact. But, I didn’t know I was pregnant. Until I wasn’t anymore. I miscarriaged at work. Blood ran down my legs and I didn’t know what was happening. I told my boss I needed to go home and she saw all the blood. She called an ambulance and I went to hospital. Everything from there on was a blur. They told me I had miscarriaged. That I was pregnant for a whole month. They told me I lost it as a result of my body rejecting it. And I couldn’t understand why my body rejected it. I beat myself up over it so much that I very nearly didn’t come back from it. I kept asking God why he was doing this to me. Thinking I’d get an answer. Begging for him to help me. And it breaks my heart knowing that I carried a child, the child of a man that I loved so much, for such a long period of time and I had no idea that it was there. I hated myself. I felt disgusted and disappointed. I was a horrible mother, a horrible person. I kicked myself down more than anyone else. I was my worst critic. I tried so hard to fight the demons inside of me but they very nearly won this time round. I had no idea how I was supposed to tell my boyfriend. He once again didn’t pick up anything was wrong. So I found myself driving home to see my mum. I told her everything. My partner didn’t know I had left for the weekend. And I was avoiding talking to him because I was trying to deal with and accept everything myself. I was struggling to comprehend what was happening. Eventually I told myself he needed to know. I picked up the phone and I called him. I had no idea what I was going to say, but I had to say it anyway. “I had a miscarriage at work yesterday”. He was silent. He thought about it for a moment and then I explained further, telling him exactly when I conceived and how. And he understood. But he couldn’t understand why I wasn’t there to tell him in person. Because as per usual I try to run from the pain instead of deal with it head on. I told him I didn’t know how to tell him and that I was scared he would hate me. He began to get upset and I the only thing I could think of, was that he literally didn’t even care that I lost his child. I didn’t even give him the chance to let it sink it. I just assumed it meant nothing to him. And I think that really broke him. It broke me too when I realised how stupid that was of me to believe. Of course he would have cared. But that was the beginning of the end for us. He couldn’t get passed me not telling him straight away, and how I believed he didn’t care about it when he did. Although he never said he did out loud. He told me the last time we ever broke up, that he hoped I’d miscarriage every kid I ever fell pregnant with. That hurt more than ANYTHING he ever said or did in our 7 years together. In retaliation I told him that I hoped he’d die of cancer. Which broke my heart. Because I wanted nothing more, and still to this day, want nothing more than for him to be happy and healthy and live a long and wonderful life. So there you have it. The story of the best and worst 7 years of my life. I often wish I could go back and change everything, get a second chance to make things right. But I know I’ll never get that chance. I know that he doesn’t love me like he once did anymore and that I’ve done too much damage to fix things. I wanted to share my story and get it off my chest. I wanted someone to read it and maybe have it help someone with what they’re going through or help them decide to stay or leave their relationship. If I can help one person from this, that is more than enough for me. I’m still struggling to live without him everyday. I still miss him and love him. He’s not dead, but it feels as though he is and I can’t escape that feeling. I know there’s no coming back this time. He’s moved on and he’s happy. And that’s all I’ve ever wanted for him. To be happy. He will forever be a massive part of my life and I will take our memories with me wherever I go. To anyone that knows him and I, to any of our friends and family that may be on here, who have figured out who I am.. I just want to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused and all the mistakes I’ve made. I’m sorry if I ever hurt anyone in any way. I’m trying so hard to be okay with him not being around anymore. No one will ever understand just how much he means to me. Even after all the things he’s said and done. No one will understand why I stood by him as long as I did. Stupidity, maybe in the eyes of some, but when you’re in love, you’re blind. And even though this love was a lesson that tested every limit I ever had, it’s a lesson I’m so grateful for. Love is a two way street, he did a lot to break me, but I know I’m not innocent either. We all make mistakes. I wish I could go back and fix mine. Maybe then he’d still be here. Once again, this is something I am dealing with everyday. It’s still very fresh and it hurts more than you can imagine. Please be kind or at least keep an open mind to what you have read. I’m so sorry for all of the DV/suicide victims/survivors out there and the beautiful women that have lost the babies they never got to hold or meet, I know how it feels. I live with it every day, the same as you. You are all so beautiful and strong, please don’t ever forget it. Take from this what you will, but don’t ever give up hope. I’m still fighting even though I don’t want to live most days. And I will continue to fight as long as I can. Thank you for reading. Stay strong x

#depression #you #destroyed me #broken #hurt #pain #breakup #empty #alone #suicide #suicidal #domesticviolence #heartbroken

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superalxx · 4 years

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My heart sank.

I think the last time I messaged you was December 2018, when I received an email from Twitter that someone from CDO is accessing my account. I asked you if you did, you said no.

Since then, I never chatted or messaged you again. 2019 ended.. 2020. I remained quiet. We’ve been broken up for 3 years already anyway.

I blocked you a few months after we broke up. I dont want to see you or hear anything about you. And since I’m not sure if I’m fully healed, you were remained blocked until last month.

Someone told me last month that you and she broke up. I thought, probably it’s time to unblock you. Probably I should totally close that chapter. On the other hand, I was tempted to reconnect with you. To add you again, or probably just say hi. But I fought that urge. I tried hard to just let it go and continue living my life as I did ever since I left that company.

And then yesterday, I received a message from you. You chatted me on messenger saying, “Alex?” on a secret conversation. I was so startled and surprised. My heart was beating so fast and my fingers were trembling after reading that message. Of course, first thing I did was check the profile. It was really you.

So I replied hi and asked why. All that time I was so nervous and cant sit still. You replied after a few minutes, asking if I unfriended you. I asked why a secret convo? And since technically I blocked you and not unfriended you, I said I didn’t. You answered you dont know why it was on a secret convo mode, you said probably you just clicked on something and asked how to get it back to normal.

So I said I’ll message you to the normal convo, and then you said that you received my message. I said let’s talk there instead.

You did not reply. That was around 12pm.

On that short time and few exchange of messages, so many thoughts ran through my mind.

Why did you message me? After 3 years, why are you approaching me again? Do you want to get back together? Do you still loves me? Did you realize that it should be me all along?

I thought about sharing to you the changes in my life ever since we broke up. That I’m now baking and playing Kalimba. That July 17 is a few days from now, can we start over from there?

If we get back together, do we count the previous years that were broken up or start over again? We’re supposed to be on our 6th anniversary, but we broke up for 3 years so probably we will just start again.

You said before that you want us to get married when you’re 25-26. You’re almost 27 years old, will this happen soon?

All of that thoughts, came through my mind from a simple “Alex?” and for a short moment of talk.

I told my friends about your message, and they all warned me. No matter what happen, don’t go back to you. I’m already healed, don’t let myself suffer again and experience the pain.

But from that moment, I know. No matter what they say, if I will be given a chance, I will go back to you in a heartbeat.

So I was feeling so anxious. I asked you around 4pm why were you asking? Day passed, it’s almost 6pm and you didn’t reply yet. I was exercising when I received your reply. I paused the video that I was following and checked your message.

You said, “Ano sinasabi mo?”. I went back to working out. I’ll just reply later, I said to myself. Then I heard another notification. I checked and it was another message from you. You said, “Di ako nagchachat sayo lol”.

MY HEART SANK.

And then I feel so pissed. I feel so annoyed. I messaged my friends about it then went back to our convo to ask anong pinagsasabi mo and send you the screenshots. But then you already blocked me.

You blocked me.

Suddenly, I feel like I was on the worst year of my life again, 2017. The whole year of pain and crying and heartbreak. All my hopes flew out the window.

Why do you have to treat me this way? Why do you have to be this mean?

I lived my life quietly. I worked so hard to be healed and better. And even now, I know that I’m still not 100% over you. And yet, I came a long way. So why do you have to hurt me again? What did I ever do to you to deserve this? To deserve this roller coaster emotion of pain.

I don’t know if it’s really you or your girlfriend or whoever messaged me. But please, don’t include me with your games. Isn’t the pain I experienced and still existing trauma not enough for you?

Why do you have to block me? Maghahabol ba ko sayo? Why do you make it seem that I’m throwing myself to you? Na nagpapapansin ako sayo, na ginugulo ko yung buhay mo? I lived my life away from you. I resigned, I worked in BGC, I even avoided people who might be connected to you. So why make me feel na desperada akong lumalapit sayo when you’re the one who messaged me?

And why are you so angry? Why does it seem like you’re mad at me? When we broke up, I saw that you added back your exes that you unfriended because I got jealous when we were still together. It seems like you reconnected with them. So I thought it would be the same for us. Since 3 years have passed, I thought we could be on good terms already. But it was the opposite.

Instead of adding me, you blocked me. After blocking you for almost 3years, you blocked me. When you told me “Ano sinasabi mo? Di ako nagchachat sayo”, it feels like you hated me. That you didnt like me, that I never meant anything to you. It feels like you never loved me for almost 4 years.

All I want is to move on. To get over you. To not be affected by anything about you at all. I’m working so hard to attain that.

So why? Why am I still affected? Why do I love you this much when you clearly dont care about me at all?

Why do I have to be treated this way? Why do I have to still be hurt? Why can’t I move on?

I really dont know what to do anymore.

I’m so tired.

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missingteethblog · 4 years

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04/29/2020 - 22:17

My laptop decided that it would take a billion years to do anything, and I had to shut down all my stuff so that I could use the browser I’m going to lose it.

Anyways, I went on a walk with S today, and talked about a 3 year on and off relationship I recently ended, and while talking about it I realized how fucked up the dynamics were. Everyone told me stories about him and warned me about him, and while I believed them, I never believed that anything like that would ever happen to me. I was wrong, and I didn’t realize until this afternoon.

I realized that he was extremely manipulative and a compulsive liar. Every time him and I argued about something, he would turn the situation around to make it seem like I was either upset at him for no reason or that he was the victim (mostly both). And in those arguments, I was made to think that I was in the wrong (and I believed it). Looking back at them, I was always in the right, and my anger and fear and frustration was all justified, but because he knew I loved him, he would twist everything around to make me apologize for confronting him and therefore keeping me wrapped around his finger.

The first time, he suddenly stopped texting me out of the blue. No heads up, no warnings. Just, disappeared. And because I knew his mental health was really bad at that point in time, I understandably thought that something had happened to him or that he had done something to himself. So, I was texting him and his friends that I knew would know what was up. I think he told his friends to not tell me what was going on, because they responded very passive aggressively or straight up told me to fuck off and stop bothering them. Eventually, he texted me telling me to stop texting his friends. I told him that I was worried and that I thought something had happened to him, to which he responded by telling me that he needed space and time for himself. That’s cool and I respect that, but you need to tell me, the person you were dating at the time, if you’re going to do that so I don’t go into panic mode and think that you killed yourself. But I believed that I was being unreasonable (because of what he told me and how his friends acted towards me), and I apologized. Profusely and full of guilt. He blocked me for a few months after that and I spent those few months scared and isolated.

The second incident happened after an LGBT camp (not conversion camp, but a summer camp just for LGBT kids) that we went to and had been planning on going to together since before the first situation unfolded. Because of this, he decided to message me on social media, and our relationship rekindled (drastically at camp, but slowly leading up to then). We were part of the older group of campers, and had almost as much free reign as the camp counselors. After the camp ended and everyone went home, the Ottawa campers from our cabin decided to have a sleep over party and invited everyone except for me and two other campers. I didn’t know about it until the morning after when I saw the pictures he had posted. I of course asked him about it , wondering why he didn’t tell me about it and why I wasn’t invited. He told me that he thought I wouldn’t like it, so decided to just not tell me. I understandably got pretty upset over that, telling him that I would have at least liked to know about a sleep over party with my camp friends, who I thought liked me. He twisted everything around to make it seem like I was the unreasonable one and blocked me again. That was the night I sort of realized that I was an accessory to him, and that he didn’t really want to be seen with me around our camp friends because I embarrassed him. Except I didn’t come to that realization that night, but this afternoon. What I really thought that night was that no one actually liked me. And honestly I don’t think that that was far off from the truth.

The third and last incident happened this past December/January. I found out that he had unblocked me, and after a few months of consideration, I reached out to him and (profusely and guilt-ridden) apologized for what had happened 1.5 years ago. he told me that he was sorry too, and that he wanted to reach out but didn’t think I wanted to talk to him. Over the 3 years that I had known him, that was the most character development I had ever seen from him. He had actually apologized as well, but just for the argument. Not what he had done. Anyways, we decided to start making plans to hang out. I rescheduled it twice because of incidents he faced that were out of his control. However, the third time we had agreed that I would go over to his dad’s house on New Year’s day. He of course got piss drunk the night before and woke up at the time we were supposed to hang out and cancelled. I rescheduled it a fourth time (notice how I keep saying I instead of we or him. I was the only one trying to make the plans work) for a Wednesday during a school week, and fought with my parents to let me commute 1 hour downtown (one way) on a school night to meet him. I ended up being 15mins early, and him an hour late. While I was waiting for him to show up, he asked me if I wanted to make it a date (I said yes). He shows up an hour after the meet time we agreed on, but instead of just being alone, he brought a camp friend of his along that he had seen on the bus. He never asked me if it was okay to bring this person along, nor did he give me a heads up. I thought that I would just say hi and this person would leave me and him to our date, but no. He had invited this person along without discussing it with me. Him and the camp friend ended up talking the entire time, and he barely even looked at or acknowledged me. The only time he did was when he glanced back at me occasionally as we were walking to the little restaurant and when he noticed that I was being distant and quiet and asked me if I was doing alright (I, shortly, said yeah). As if it couldn’t get any worse, he told me that he would be leaving an hour early so that him and his camp friend could go back to the friend’s house and hang out with their bird. It was then that I realized that he thought a fucking bird was more important than our relationship and everything that we had been through. So, I got up and left. He asked where I was going and I said that I had homework to do, looked him directly in the eye with exasperation and disappointment and left. After that, I sent him a text saying that we needed to talk about that night. No response, so I send it again a couple days later and still nothing. So. I sent him a couple angry paragraphs expressing my frustration and anger with him. He read it, didn’t respond, and blocked me on all of his accounts. We were finally done.

This afternoon, I realized that I had just been his accessory. I am a conventionally attractive, thin, white trans guy, and I think that he thought I would make him look good, so he could flex me on his friends. He manipulated me into thinking that my anger and fear was unjustified and that I was being unreasonable in every argument. I wasn’t. I was so in love with him that I blindly accepted everything and allowed him to manipulate me. He had me wrapped around his finger and I didn’t even know it. His best friend was also in on it, and played along with whatever he said. I think his manipulation tactics are one of the reasons that I forced myself to stop crying, because it put me in a position of weakness, and he made me think (whether this was intentional or not) that I was pathetic for crying and showing weakness because it wasn’t attractive, it wasn’t something an accessory should be showing. So I forced myself to stop crying, and can barely cry for more than 2 minutes to this day. He wasn’t the only reason, but he was a part of it. People told me about him, warned me about him, but I never listened. He wasted 3 years of my life, and I am so incredibly angry with him. He fucked up my relationship with myself, and the way I go about relationships with other people (romantic and platonic).

I hope he understands how fucking angry I am with him, and that I never want him to be a part of my life ever again. Fuck him, I hate him.

Currently listening to Harvey Milk Shit On The Table by Crywank.

#frog posts #updates

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batz-insonne · 5 years

Text

To The Person I Loved But Never Was In Return

You've gone by many names in the time I've known you.. It started with a J, then a C when you realized you where a man, then it eventually went to Babe or Love, then it turned to jerk behind your back bit love in your face, then it turned to J again and then Whore.

I know, crazy right? Crazy how I was so fond of you after meeting you, and I couldn't help but fall in love, you where so kind to me and you made my heart murmur in delight when I saw your name on my phone.. I quickly realized you felt the same but in a bad way, we fought for the first time and I smoked some cigs and clawed at my stomach in the shower until the water was red on the floor, but I still loved you and we got together.. It was so beautiful at first..

At least I thought..

I quickly started realizing the murmur O thought was love was turning to nervousness the more we fought with each other, then it turned to anxiety.. Then fear, white hot, sharp fear..

I was just a kid you know? You where a year or two older, yeah, but you still made me do things for you, and I thought the uncomfortable feeling was love and lust for you, I didn't realize that it was some form of spite or disgust..

Then you came out as poly, I thought it was polysexual like a dumbass because I trusted you. I loved you.

You started acting strange one day, being pissy as fuck and yelling at me, but it was probably because I asked if you cheated on me, but it was also because you broke up with them, Rin is what I remember everyone calling them..

But I trusted that you didn't cheat, and that you loved me, and I was still the 'man' that you loved.. But I guess I forced myself into being a man to please your needs, to please you and be the guy you wanted..

Then I found Rin's Instagram, I saw she posted art saying 'I love you' and I tried to believe it was friendly love..

But making out isn't friendly, is it?

I confronted Rin and tried to make them realize you where a manipulative fuck, that you where a cheater, a liar, a beautiful sin that you couldn't help but want to keep..

But I guess it backfired, and you had texted her shit to send me a screenshot of but yet you didn't block me yourself, cunt..

So I texted you, and for the first time ever, I lashed out so badly I made you cry, like you did to me Every. Fucking. Day. I called you a whore before blocking you on everything I could...

But then I unblocked you on one app just to see what shit you've gotten yourself into, and it was a big Boohoo 'Pity Party' on your account, just like you called my problems when I told you I cut and tried to kill myself. The same day you told me you're gonna kill yourself, but I dropped everything and helped you. Like a good fucking 'Boyfriend'.

But any who, you texted when I unblocked you and begged for me to take you back, and I did after you broke up with Rin who came to me a few days before complaining but I blocked her real quick because it's her mess, not mine.

But after I took you back I regretted it real quick, even if you weren't saying shit yet I still knew I needed to leave before you hurt me for the 10,000th time in the same two years. So I broke it off saying I'm a guy who's gay for other guys, sense you went back to going by that J name and you identified as a girl.

I then went down hill as I realized what you did was "abusive" Behavior, but I don't know what to call it even though I know it wasn't healthy.. But I loved you too much to let you go for 2 fucking years.

I'm still scared of relationships, and every time I like someone I try to harm myself and make myself think they're like you so I don't get hurt, but it doesn't work obviously.. Love is an emotional weight that you can't choose or control, you can't help it, but you can help who you give it to.. If they're a prick with 5 girls sucking up to them then don't bother unless you wanna get hurt.. Do what you think is the healthiest way and survive before you get stuck in the past and think every person is like the one who hurt me from the age of 12 to 14, and don't give them any wiggle room if you do want to be friends with them..

Long story short:

I loved someone who couldn't even love themselves or me, and they where a hoochie who scarred me into the point of not letting myself feel anything but numb and anxiety.. And this is just a brief summary, and there's a lot more that fucked me up in the 2 years I loved them..

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honestlyscreeching · 6 years

Text

Things I have learned about being with a commitment-phobe.

Let me preface- this is not a story about my current significant other. At this point in time, I’m about to marry my high school sweetheart and everything is going swimmingly. This is a story about someone that I had rescued from Canada, their name shall be Finn for anonymity reasons.

Finn and I always had a tumultuous relationship. It seemed like every week we had the highest of highs- which were followed immediately by the lowest of lows. As nerdy as it sounds, we met on a game which had been popular at the time called: “Gmod”. Thus started a series of cheating on eachother, screaming matches, and blocking/unblocking eachother every week. One thing I can say is that our fights now at least make sense; back then they consisted of two very immature people each trying to get their own way.

And then I asked him to move to Michigan which in hindsight- was a terrible idea. Why did I move this random man to my hometown to live with me? His mother is schizophrenic and wouldn’t allow him to leave the house. This man is two years older than I am, and he wasn’t allowed to leave the house. Let that sink in.

At this time, I was dating somebody who I was embarrassed to be around and to be honest- I used to get over my ex. Not proud of that fact, but its the truth. This is where things start getting fucky. Sometime in April(?) of 2016, Finn came to live with me. The weeks leading up to this day, I had moved out of my boyfriends apartment to find a place for Finn and I. The reason that this was okay with him was that the apartment I was staying in was crowded with other roommates, and I was not a leaseholder.

So the day arrives, I have to pick Finn up from the airport, so I pack up my shitty 2003 Pontiac Vibe and take my happy ass to Detroit Metro. When Finn and I saw eachother for the first time, I knew that we were going to be inseparable. After we had met up, we stayed the night at my cousin’s place in Lansing. That whole night we toured downtown East Lansing, held hands, laughed, and drank copious amounts of liquor. Thing I learned number 1: commitment-phobes love to pressure you for sex. Finn at the time was a virgin. Now not all virgins are super pushy and want to plead to you for sex, but Finn was. The more drunk we had gotten, the pushier he would be.

Finn: I really want to have sex, we don’t have to tell your boyfriend

Me: No

Finn: Okay well lets just drink more... Can I just kiss you?

Me: No

Everything after that I don’t remember. But I do know for a fact we had sex as the next day we had woken up next to eachother naked.

Fast forward some time, Finn and I had stopped talking because we both did some fucked up shit. Lesson number two: If you cut off contact with a toxic person, it probably isn’t a good idea to bring them back into your life.

Lesson number 3: If he is prioritizing his friends over being with you, he probably isn’t that into you.

Lesson number 4: If he hides the fact that you are talking or have some sort of friendship to his other friends, he doesn’t actually want you in his life.

These are all very important points for the next segment. Finn and I reconnected, I think I showed him a meme (I’m an idiot) and he had begged (not really begged, it didn’t take much convincing) me to hang out with him. Of course, I gave in because the rose colored glasses were on and I thought that maybe he had changed. Surprise surprise, I was wrong.

After awhile of being just friends, I had realized that I was in love with Finn. Which really fucking sucked because he wanted nothing to do with me. The thing that makes this really ironic is that at the beginning of the relationship, Finn warned me that he doesn’t like relationships/didn’t actually want to be with me. My dumbass thought that “Oh I’m different, we were made to be together”. Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Lesson 5: If he states that he doesn't want to be with anyone and you begin a relationship anyways, don’t be surprised when he doesn't want to be with you.

I wasn’t special to him. I don’t think that I’ve ever been special to him. Which, he warned me so I guess it was just divine retribution coming to bite me in the ass. Finn and I had a somewhat functioning relationship. It was a lot healthier than it had ever been, I will say that. But Finn and I are two very different people when it comes to how we love, interact, and show empathy.

Lesson 6: If you are an empath and the person you are dating is a narcissist, chances are things will not work out in your favor.

I’ve known my fair share of narcissists. My father being one of them. So dealing with people that constantly think about themselves is kind of my forte.

Finn always put his needs/wants before my own. In a relationship ideally you give, and you take. Most of the time I feel like Finn used me for whatever he needed me for (sex, company, someone to listen, etc.) and then I’m useless to him. Its like a never ending roller-coaster of trying to guess whether or not I’m useful to him that day.

From day one, the relationship was kept by his standards and rules. We were both allowed to sleep with whoever we wanted, we could do whatever we wanted, but at the end of the day (or week since he usually only wanted to see me once a week) we belonged to eachother romantically. As I grew more attached to Finn, I had expressed my desire for more serious commitment.

“But I like what we have”

Lesson 7: If he tells you that he likes what you currently have, he has no intention of ever committing to you longterm.

Everyday I felt like a sidechick. Just another girl that he occasionally sleeps with. At this point he refused to say that he loved me, he refused to say that we were in a relationship, and he refused to change his ways. But I stayed. I stayed because I loved him more than he could possibly ever understand.

Annnnnddd then he tried DMT.

I know, kind of a curveball.

The nature of our relationship changed dramatically after Finn had tried DMT. Albeit after three sessions, but still. He said that he loved me while he was in a drug induced psychosis. Out of the entire time Finn and I had been together, I think this is the only genuine moment where I could feel that he cared. Maybe the DMT had made it so that I knew some part of him was telling the truth? Who knows. All I know is that after this, things were good for awhile. We almost never fought, which was a stark contrast to how things used to be. Everything was good. He started saying I love you more, we started going on dates, it felt like we were in a real relationship.

But all good things come to an end.

Lesson 8: If you tell them to stop hanging out with a girl that they had slept with in the past and they do it anyways, they don’t respect your feelings or your relationship.

Things started going downhill after we had tripped together at a concert. While I felt very connected to him, he felt very distant from me. After we had gotten back, he had been acting strangely. Generally, Finn is always an irritable person. But you have to understand we went from wanting and loving eachother to all of a sudden almost no contact, and when there was contact it went sour. Thinking I did something wrong, I brought him a pizza to try and make up for whatever I had done. Was I too pushy with my affection? Was I being bitchy? Did I do something wrong? What did I do?

And then he told me that he had two girls over, one of which he had a previous “affair” with.

So why is this an issue if we had an “open” relationship?

At this point in the relationship I had expressed that I wanted him to be monogamous for a time until he could prove to me that he wasn't going to leave or go behind my back.This woman was married and with two kids, which I also found a huge problem with (the husband was unaware of her infidelity).

All night I begged and pleaded for him to just go home, just leave, she wants to sleep with you and you know she does. So what does he do? He got drunk at the bar with her and took her back home.

Lesson 9: Getting cheated on really, really, REALLY hurts.

For weeks I tried to cope with the betrayal. I could physically feel the emotional pain. Off and on I would go into hysterics and throw up as a result. I stopped eating, I stopped caring, I even skipped a semester of college.

Why did I love someone that continued to hurt me?

Lesson 10: He will only want you if you threaten to leave.

Over that time, Finn and I debated back and forth about the prospects of staying together or not. It was absolute hell. Being on the ropes about whether or not someone wants to be with you and having no sense of security put you in a spot where you’re constantly preparing for that person to leave your life. Finn never asked me to hang out, he never tried to atone for his mistakes, most of the time he just yelled at me or treated me like an annoyance. Until I started actively trying to leave him.

Lesson 11: If you’re going to leave, LEAVE. DO NOT respond. Use your willpower, stick to your guns, remember all the toxic things that he would do to you.

I was a dummy. I didn’t leave. I refused to leave. Failure was never an option in my eyes. By leaving, it meant that I had failed him. I promised to always be there, come hell or high water and I had no intention to ever break that promise despite how much pain that I was in.

So- Finn and I still yell at eachother back and forth to this day. We’re great friends but he is a terrible lover. Over time, I slowly just started to realize that Finn would never love me the way that I loved him.

Which brings me to my next point, acceptance.

Lesson 12: Accept that the situation is pointless.

Arguing back and forth will not solve anything. Repetitive reinforcement, proof of change, a caring attitude are all things that will solve the problem. If you genuinely love your commitment-phobe and you want to make things work, it will take a lot of trust exercises and communication. Now if your partner is anything like Finn, they will NOT want to communicate with you. At what point do you call it quits? If they are unwilling to cooperate, unwilling to communicate, and unwilling to make a change in the relationship then what can be done?

Long of the short is, do what you feel in your heart is right. If your head wants them and misses them but you know deep down in your gut that something is wrong, always follow your gut feeling. Don’t try to make it work with someone who is unwilling to make it work with you.

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xsyuanari · 7 years

Text

Tested

“Are you the one?” It asked looking down at me. At least it appeared to be looking down. Its eyes, its hair, its skin, all of it was a shiny translucent- emerald colored. It shown like a star, but wasn't difficult to look at; instead it was almost pleasing like you couldn't look away. I didn't know how to respond, but I knew I had to. I wanted to. It called to me.

“Maybe. Who are you?” I asked standing up slowly. I was sitting on a stool in back of the garage bay at the dealership I was working at. It was a grubby place but I was enjoying lunch. I change oil for a living so there is no getting clean. It was an average day until this green, woman? came walking in on a mission. Her head was held high as the words came forth again, but this time more aggressively.

“If you are the one I need to know. You must be tested.” She said baking up. “Will you admit to being the person I seek or shall I move on? Answer quickly.”

I looked around for someone, anyone, to see what I was seeing. No one was looking, it was if I was imagining her.

“Okay, I'm the person you're looking for. What do you want?” I asked almost reaching out to touch her.

“Follow.” She said walking out of the garage bay door. She stepped out into the middle of the parking lot and turned back to face me. The air started to hum as I followed her into the sunlight. Her body started to twist and turn as if she were ravenous and possessed. She began splitting apart. Fragmenting herself. Slowly at first but in a moment there were at least a hundred of her. They began to walk around me as they were being created. The circle was large, and a few started stepping onto and over cars as they walked around.

“What is this?” I asked watching them circle me. “I must be dreaming.”

“Raise your hand human, draw your weapon.” She said as if I should have known what to do next.

She raised her left arm into the air and a spear, also green like her skin appeared in her palm. All of the copies raised their hands and each pulled a different weapon out of thin air. No two weapons were the same.

“Defend yourself!”

I was stunned. Were we going to fight? Before I could protest a copy behind me rushed forward and swiped at my face. I fell away from the strike and the original repeated herself.

“Raise your hand and draw your weapon!”

I stood up and tentatively raised a hand into the air. A light blue sword, something almost weightless, fell into it. As soon as I looked up with the weapon in my hand they began to rush me. I cut one out of desperation. I almost dropped the sword, but I regained my balance fast enough to cut another, and as I pulled my blade away they evaporated with a short burst of energy into thin air.

This went on for a while. A few would rush me and I would make them go away by cutting them. It seemed effortless, almost fun, until their attack pattern changed. They began to move faster and attack three at a time. One with two swords nearly cut my head off as another tried to stab me in the chest. I blocked the attacks and stabbed the third.

I could hear music playing in my head. The music changed it’s rhythm as the fight progressed.

As I recovered I looked down to see my hand was bleeding, but nothing terrible. I attacked them instead of waiting this time. I rushed forward and utterly destroyed the first one I reached. Though, I began to tire. I noticed, in the few seconds this green woman gave me the chance to catch my breath, people were watching. I didn't look like they could see the women fighting me, but they could see them die. Electric green explosions where their bodies used to be. People began leaving their cars and cheering for me. It was almost too much to take in. After another ten were gone, the women became faster, almost unblockable, and difficult to see with my eyes. I had to pull forth every ounce of ability just to stay at arms reach. Killing just one was becoming a hassle, and I was almost out of energy when I felt the worst pain in my life. Did I pull a muscle in my back?

“That's a shame.” One said off to the side. She was behind the others as one of my knees hit the ground. “Perhaps you are not the one I am looking for.” she said as she spun her spear in her hands and continued watching. The 20 or so remaining continued their assault. I could feel a warm liquid running down my spine. They cut me and I couldn't move my left arm.

The crowd fell silent as I yelled and picked myself up. I pushed myself forward realizing for the first time that this thing was trying to kill me. Some test.

I screamed a daring battle cry as I slashed through 2 more. Then another. And another. I got cut again but I ignored it. This time on my calf, it wasn't deep. I slayed one more before they sped up again. I could only block now. I'd stop dozens of attacks and swing my sword only to miss.

This time I didn't see my attacker. She cut my leg. I almost couldn't hold the sword anymore. I could barely stand. Panic was starting to set in. I gripped the sword with both hands and leaped to retaliate, yelling at the top of my lungs. Another stepped in the way and cut me again. I didn't know where I got hit but it was bad.

I couldn't move... Why was this happening?

The original with the spear slowly stepped forward as my knees hit the ground again. I fell back onto my bottom and waited for her to approach me. She didn't say a word, but I there was an air of disappointment as she slowly passed her copies. One by one they began to disappear into nothingness as if the fight were over. Perhaps it was.

I felt the sword fall out of my hands and out of the corner of my eye saw it start to fade away. She stared at me as she slowly raised her weapon into the air, as if testing me one last time. I raised my head high and closed my eyes. That face was the last thing I saw as she drove her spear into my heart. I felt it go in, I felt it pull out. I looked at her again as my body went numb.

The world slowly turned black, and the music, that music that played, slowly began to end. The notes, perhaps from someones car, maybe from the radio in the garage, were filling my consciousness. As the last note struck I fell. I don't remember my face hitting the pathment. I don't even remember my last thoughts.

-Xsyuanari

(This short story was inspired by The Last Song from the drakenguard 3 ost. something about it’s multilayered progression felt very battle like to me, but it always leaves me feeling defeated in the end, like I fought my hardest but the win was never attainable. *shrugs* shout out to whoever made that song because it’s one of my top 5...)

#Shortstory #Xsyua #justanotherday #fighting #story #quick #bloody #fight #thelastsong #failure #death #symbolism

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survivekohsai · 7 years

Text

QuilLynn’s Responses

Jury Answers:

BRYCE:

My favourite moment in the game was when I got the opportunity to mutiny. I was in a bad spot on my tribe with the majority of people on it wanting to target me and because of my losing streak I was in a really bad place. - I had to go to every pre-merge tribal other than the one I was exiled for and then the round after I mutinied (not to mention one of the tribals I didn’t go to wasn’t a tribal at all due to kelsey striking out) which proved to me I made the right decision. It also reconnected me with my closest allies, Jackson, Akito and Trixie. Up until the mutiny I was feeling really defeated and getting the opportunity to do that breathed new life into me in this game.

As for which tribal I felt I had the most control of, this is difficult, because Mo’s and Akito’s blindsides were the only tribals I went to where I felt I didn’t have control. A lot of tribals were orchastrated by me and Jackson so I don’t know if there was a time where we were on the same tribe and one of us would have had more control than the other on a vote. I do think however that Jackson is only here right now because of me and how loyal I ended up playing with him. There were multiple opportunities where I could have flipped on him or made moves against him. I could have forced rocks the night Richie left which, no matter what, would have left us with a very different final 3. RYAN M:

I don’t really understand what your question is, but let me explain myself to you in this game. I was actually excited at first that maybe this time we would have a chance to work together, but for some reason there was just an underlining distrust between us. Still recovering from your idols in crayola I felt that the smartest thing was to not be completely honest with you incase you did have something you could pull out your ass like tyler did in the Mo blindside. You then decided you wanted to block everybody on our tribe, so I literally couldn’t pm you anyway and to be honest I don’t know if you ever unblocked me? I also know that you wrote my name down at tribals, so there was no point in trying to reconcile with you even if I could at that point. If you want to base your vote on relationships from ebola or who we voted at the end then thats on you, you’re a juror I’m not going to sit here and tell you what basis to make your decision on and as pathetic as I personally think that would be it is entirely up to you. RYAN P:

Akito- Skitty, because skitty is one of the cutest pokemon and one of my favourites, "it is very popular due to its adorable looks and behavior." Ryan M- Seviper, because there is just something about this pokemon that reminds me of you, can’t quite put my finger on it though, "It has been bitter enemies with Zangoose for many generations.” - i must be a zangoose huh.

Ryan P- Unown, because we like barely ever talked or got to know each other so I know virtually nothing about you other than what others have told me, "Unown is an extremely rare Pokémon that lives in its own dimension and rarely ventures outside."

Linus- Magikarp, it’s just the fucking memeiest pokemon there is. <3 “It is usually overlooked by Trainers because of its perceived weakness: even in the heat of battle it will do nothing but flop around."

Richie- Charizard, because you’re strong and loyal and I’m sure would be a fan favourite, "This Pokémon flies in search of powerful opponents to battle, and its fire will burn hotter as it gains experience."

Bryce- Pikachu, because you’re widely loved and a great companion, “Pikachu is arguably the most recognizable and adored Pokemon by fans of the series"

Eric- Houndor, because he’s small and cute but still has a lot of bite, "Houndour is an intelligent Pokémon that forms packs to hunt for prey, and shows unparalleled teamwork” RICHIE:

Yes my opening statement sucked, I was blackout drunk at a halloween party and had to find time to write it lol. The reason I let Jackson be the one that everyone saw being in charge was because I wanted to play this game completely different than I’ve played before. I usually play openly making big moves and letting my self be a target, that strategy in the past has only gotten me to the end one time where I lost 7-2 because that was the way I played the game opposed to who I was sitting next to at the time who played a more seemingly under the radar game. With that loss fresh on my mind I knew that in the end phase of this game I wanted to appear like I wasn’t making waves and to let someone be more vocal than me, the best thing I could do was to appear as a goat and let Jackson believe that he’d have an easy time beating me in the end, because I wouldn't hold my ground and express that I actually played a good game. I feel like he bought that and I think I was able to convince everyone that I was just playing for second when thats not the case at all. In the Rocks situation I did contemplate flipping and risking getting rocked out to change the game, but what really was the deciding factor for me wasn’t actually the risk of me going home, it was the fact that I knew 100% Trixie and Jackson were going to take me to the end of this game, although I was still confident in the bonds I had made with you and Bryce these were two people I knew I could trust and potentially beat at the end. If I did take you out in that vote I was taking out arguably the biggest threat in the game, because I knew you had a great shot at winning, I knew that if I was on jury I’d vote you to win so everything lined up and made sense to take you out. This game I focused a lot of gameplay around the social aspect of the game, I met a lot of great people and made great friendships, there was only one real pre-merge tribal council that I didn’t have to go to and I was able to get out of that one because I used the twist of being able to mutiny to my advantage. I survived more tribal councils than the people I’m up against tonight, I feel like I fought the hardest to be here out of us three, of course not competition wise, because I knew I was terrible at comps so I had to make up for that in another way and I do think that I was able to play a killer social game that got me to the end without ever needing to rely on an individual immunity. AKITO:

Out of the 3 of us sitting here I don’t think it would be fair for any of us to take full credit for a move that went down during a tribal council, because that’s just not how they worked this season. Due to the amount of idols in question and strategizing that had to go into these votes they all had to be a group effort. Any one of us could sit here and spout off about how, for example, the Rafael blindside was our move, but it would be BS. Each tribal we all held the same level of control of what was going to happen and we discussed and talked thru each move before it was made. There were only two tribals where I was genuinely shocked at the outcomes and those were Mo’s blindside and your blindside, in a strategical sense the 3 of us played nearly identical games, but as I said before I believe my social game is what made me stand out from the competition.

For your second question, I feel like it could definitely apply to multiple people on the jury for me. Firstly I’d say Ryan M, because in the last game we played together we were always working against each other even though he seemed like somebody that I would have actually been able to click with, unfortunately feelings from our last game carried over and we still never got to connect, especially after the whole blocking incident. RTP is someone that I heard good things about before coming into this game, and I feel like we also never got a chance to connect so he is someone I would have liked to get to know more. I feel like everyone else on jury I had built good relationships with, I would say too though, that if I had Bryce and Richie on the same tribe with me from the jump I feel like I wouldn’t have been as down in the first few rounds of the game as I was and, on a personal-nongame related level, it would have been nice to spend more time with them as well. So overall if I have to just pick one I would say Ryan M, because I really wish we could have squashed any beef we had had prior to this game. LINUS:

1. Social butterfly!! Never met anyone with such a stellar social game, you left me quaking! Competitions? King! You carried our tribes, honestly idk how you got out, it had to have been a rig. Strategy? you were the master of flipping! you full on murdered akito at tribal! Ruthless, cutthroat, iconic, unstoppable, legendary! also.. "Now listen here, thot! Why would I want your smelly vagina when my best bud’s anus (no homo) is right around the corner for fresh tasting and sampling!” that earned you the win day one.

1. Akito - Mari Takahashi, because she was adorable, had good potential and deserved way better than the placement she got. 2. Ryan M - Russell Hantz, because you’re good at finding idols and feel like based on you blocking everyone your social game wasn’t that great. 3. RTP - Michelle Dougan, because although I didn’t get to develop a close relationship with you, you were always a nice person and I know you like Australian survivor and I loved Michelle and feel like you both were sorta underdogs in a similar way. 4. Linus - Courtney Yates, because she was super funny and I feel that like her you were some well needed comic relief on the season 5. Richie - Nicole Franzel Kelley Wentworth, because she was an absolute queen. I definitely see her as a hero, and think that you would be the number one hero of Koh Sai 6. Bryce - Cirie Fields, because she is just such a great person, and an absolute fan favourite! 7. Eric - Abi Maria Gomes, annoying goat that makes it far, but still very entertaining and memorable.

Because it is almost halloween I wanted to do a horror genre theme with your fictional characters, so I decided to compare you to the cast from one of my favourite shows, Scream Queens!

1. Akito - Grace Gardner: Brave, intelligent, kind. 2. Ryan M- Chanel Oberlin: Stubborn, rude, funny. 3. RTP - Chanel #5: Often forgotten, low-key hilarious, underrated. 4. Linus - Hester Ulrich: Crazy, high-key hilarious, charismatic. 5. Richie - Zayday Williams: Iconic, caring, a great friend. 6. Bryce - Chanel #3: Good sense of humour, fan favourite, a true legend. 7. Eric - Chad Radwell: Energetic, obnoxious, lovable.

#quillynn #answers #final tribal council #worthplayingfor

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