#i think im going to be in a bad place again for the first time in years if something doesnt change
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#im not finishing that sentence i must stop myself#the kid at the back vn#tkatb vn#the kid at the back#tkatb#tkatb fanart#solivan brugmansia#tkatb sol#ok i feel bad posting sketches bc i don't like how i make them but i know that if i don't post this now im never going to do it#also i tried this i've seen about making the nose like a triangle and somehow placed it right at first try .im never doing that again#do i need to tag this with anything if anyone knows or needs letme know i have no idea#he no babygirl that's a whole ass man and i need him crawling in four that's the last thing he can do#i should draw him cute sometime tho i have to make a creature out of him too#i wantto open him#brain do you have anything else to say? no actually im thinking weird stuff rn dont type anything else shut up forever#okback to my enclosure 🍖#also bestie if u see this i didn't make this bc of what we talked about i swear i just got possessed .worst timing of history#para cuandooooo para cuando para cuando para cuando para cuando come to the band
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@fushiglow hmm….wonder who i’d draw this for all of a sudden and why… 🤔🤔
#your reblog surprised me#THREE BUNS SUGURU (STAR WARS ER JUST FOR YOU!)#theyre covering riko or smt and smuggling her places (??)#drawing this i was like ‘oh suguru’s curses in a star wars environment should be robots and stuff#so this suguru is a mecanic (he makes them from scrappy parts people have thrown out#and trash materials (and hard work 😎)#diy pokemon#because what is the cursed energy people are letting out if not junk theyre letting go of#so yeah ; basic geto takes shit and turns it useful#i do realise thats already very generic for star wars (junk robots junk robots!) but like. yknow. this guy takes shit people wouldnt bother#trying to sell. miam. junk of the junk. geto my favourite recycling bin you were designed for a luxurious lifestyle clearly (gege not me!)#(and stuff…………. but im lazy to put my vision in words rn hah..)#gojo’s probably a princess#(let’s not lie. hes basically a prince already (clan heir is a different look on him))#this made me want to write ?.??#problem is i dont remember much about star wars (watched it as a kid (we have the cds) appart from the very basic storyline… i forgot 😔#then theres the jawa’s first appearance cuz for some reason they scared me and i am marked for life (THEYRE JUST SILLY LITTLE GUYS 😭😭))#thankfully i lowkey want to rewatch everything so these issues can be fixed#(unthankfully either way the chance of me writing anything is very slim BUT WE NEVER KNOW RIGHT)#(hashtag diverging your attention from that other older post is it working /j/j)#omg glo i still didnt read balance (i think of it from time to time but im intimidated to read it because i know its right up my alley and#that i will love it and lately idk why but i need to ready myself emotionally to read peak fiction (this is so dumb but its true 😭😭))#my bad im rambling lol#WAIT FUCK SAME THING FOR BUNNY’S RECENT THINGY THAT GOT IN MY AO3 UPDATE MAIL#A LOVE STORY TOLD THROUGH THE LENS OF A THIRD PARTY MY BELOVED#(itsg ive searchef for these types of stories in advanced search before#AND NOW THAT I HAVE SOME BY AUTHORS I ALREADY ADORE .. IM- I SEE THEM BUT. THEIR CONTENTS STAY A MYSTERY. IS THIS MY BODY SUBCONSCIOUSLY FI#FIGHTING THE TEAR LOSS I WOULD GET??? IS THIS MFING [BALLING-MY-EYES-OUT] PREVENTION !? WITHOUT MY PERMISSION..!? TCH!)#my bad. ramble again o7 — see ya glo !#wip
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I've been having more Symptoms than usual lately but that's probably fine and cool right
#like more obsessive/compulsive behavior and dissociation#what if i died driving to my psychiatrist this morning hahaha jk. unless...#literally started dissociating during my appointment with him but i was just like#hm i dont wanna have to change the subject and i dont really have time to bring it up anyway :/ guess ill just deal#then i had a bad scare with my cat after the ONE TIME i didnt do my checking all the locks compulsion and i think that made it worse#had to ask my gf to take us straight home instead of driving us somewhere to get dinner after we went out#bc on the way i was suddenly struck with a Fear that told me that if we kept going that way then something bad would happen#been doing okay for the past few hours i think but now my gf is asleep and i just spent. idk how long?#maybe a few minutes maybe a lot of minutes#pacing back and forth in the bathroom at night in front of the mirror before i finally remembered that i have a phobia of mirrors lol#so. thats where my dissociation is at rn i guess#maybe i just need sleep#thats probably it tbh. havent slept well for weeks/months and i slept even less well than normal last night#probably will delete later i think this is the ventiest vent post ive done in a long time lol#but then again maybe this post isnt even real in the first place 🤔 maybe im not writing or posting it rn 🤔 whos to say#guess i should probably go to sleep either way tho huh#rambling#dissociation tw#unreality tw#?
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i feel like every few months i remember this au and end up just redrawing iroha
#anyways necromancer iroha au my beloved. my brain is not good enough for you and you deserve better#i’ve actually had this for a little bit and have now completely forgotten what i was doing with this. oh well#posting it anyways but i think i was just kinda messing around with it#any ideas i mightve had previously for it have been completely scrapped though! i didnt like it.#not that i had much of an idea in the first place#im very bad at these sorts of things !! i just like randomly scribbling without much thought going into it#anyways time to completely abandon this again for another like 8 months#necromancer iroha au#magia record#magireco i miss you… i should play you again sometime…#iroha tamaki#her hair is still my favorite part of drawing this btw#also why i like drawing ghost sana with it usually. i like messing with the. uh. hair ? color? thing. its fun#right well back to not posting for like 2 months
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you know the drill 👆🏻
#go here!!!#flags of our fathers i dont recommend watching as a standalone#it needs the companion letters from iwo jima which should be watched first imo#underground is. something. its good. but then it gets bad for a while. but also the bad ha il suo perché. and then fa il giro and becomes#good again. its still worth a watch i think.#battle los angeles its a genre movie so like if you dont like alien invasions its not for you but its surprisingly good.#dredd gets a circle bcos its not a definite no on account of yeah its boring but. the gore is good.#the longest day is good. its an endurance test explained by the title itself.#tws stalag 17 and my way movies of all fucking time nemmeno a dirlo#judgement at nuremberg is for my old men fuckers. peepaw can and will get it.#mickey and nicky. watch it. im no longer asking gun emoji.#son of saul. is a movie. i dont thing its a tough movie to swallow as reviews says. but it does take place im a concentration camp. so.
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also i have acquired a second-hand rolling desk chair (no more wooden dining table chair YIPPEE) and it is old and in slight disrepair but OOOHH ITS MAKING SUCH A DIFFERENCE, i can actually sit at my desk comfortably to work on things,,,, sewing the plush dolls is going to be so much easier now :3
#and the arms are set in a way that i can sit cross-legged on it too.... oohhhh babeeyyy i am in love w this chair BDJDKDL#first time in my life I've had a rolling desk chair im so fuckin hyped abt it#the only con so far is that it smells bad bc of the place it came from but fhfkdl i washed it down rly well already and aired it out#so i think I'll just have to hope it eventually stops being smelly LOL#maybe if i light some incense or candles around it enough times it'll absorb that smell instead 🤔#ANYWAYS!! WORKING ON MY GUZ PLUSHIE AGAIN YIPPEE#the janitor one is going on the backburner til this one is finished#im trying to finish Guz's off before i am dragged along on a week-long roadtrip in May fjdkdl#he will help me tolerate being stuck in close quarters w family LOL#dandy.cmd
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I was going down the old yt rabit hole, just watching 9 almost 10 year old videos nbd, and I came across the age old argument/explination/confusion/huh/what/¯\_(ツ)_/¯ of Mangle of Five Nights at Freddy's FUCK'N TWO's gender. Along the lines of; his pronouns are Loudly he/him in-game, but the fandom would not shut up about, but it's a girl, look at her, girl foxy. Period done shut up about it-BUT THEY'RE CALLED HE/HIM!!! Fuck it, they go by they/them now, fuck you, fuck me, fuck Mangle and it's gender. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is ALL those fandom fights ending in fire and tears and bloodshed came back full force and I went
"FUCK IT, BIGENDER MANGLE!" As like a knee-jerk reaction because GOD it's been a fight in the trenches for literally almost a decade. AND THEN I went "oh fuck, bigender Mangle. It all makes sense now." And then holy choir rang out and god in her holy he/her glory bestowed upon me some mediocre cheesecake of which I ate all of it in one sitting...Where was I? Ah yea, amazing how fast that war could have ended if being bigender was more widely known back then, but hey, we can finally put down the pitchforks now right?
...Right?
"There are still only 2 genders, no one can be both at once!"
Motherfu-
#fnaf#mangle fnaf#mangle the fox#huh. never used that tag before.#five nights at freddys#fnaf 2#shit this franchise is getting Old. maybe even OLD#just 1:30am thoughts no worry about me guys...im mentally stable...well more mentally stable than I was 42 hours ago. and the past...week?#2 weeks? o_o you know it's bad when you don't know when your last solid memory was.#OH MY GOSH. ON A VERY UNRELATED NOTE I FOUND OLD PHOTOS OF MY DAD'S PLACE ON THE INTERNET /WHEN HE WAS STILL LIVING THERE!!!/#HE STILL HAS A DISH ON THE BACK OF THE SINK! HE STILL SITS ON THE RECLINER TO THE RIGHT! I COULD SEE HIS COFFEE MUG ON THE ENDTABLE!#MY OLD PILLOW! HIS /PAINTING!/ MY FUCKING ROCKS IN THE PLAY AREA IN THE HALLWAY TO THE KITCHEN!#THEY EVEN HAVE PICTURES OF THE UPSTAIRS! OF WHICH I HAVEN'T SEEN SINCE HE MOVED /DOWNSTAIRS!/#THE PICTURES WERE TAKEN 11 FUC-FUCKING YEARS AGO! HE STILL LIVES THERE! ON THIS WEBSITE /HE STILL LIVES THERE!!/#GAH-IM GONNA CRY AGAIN JUST THINKING ABOUT IT!#yes. yes I cried about it Big time when I got downstairs in the gallery. I was expecting it to all be gutted from looking at the upstairs.#but the first photo. the first fucking photo that was downstairs was.....his. fucking. room. the layout was a bit different to the last tim#he changed it. but...fuck man. fuck. yeah. I started sobbing...the picture that got me full crying though was the hallway going into the#livingroom. I could see the tv. the shelf above his bedroom door. the door to the outside halway. the carpet the speaker the doors to the#basement and bathroom. the bathroom door crakced upen Just Right so the cats have a harder time getting in there...#the hallway I used most to walk into the living room because we used the back door to drop me off...I could feel the couch I slept on for#too many years for my developing bones...all those painted walls and the matching coffee table that got moved and moved throughout#fuck#fuck.#none of it is there. and i still don't know what happened to the cats. or his painting or his movies or his games or the mug i got him#shit. ignore these tags. i just needed someone to know. I think most of my family is tired of me being sad about this...I can't help it tho#I don't think I'm ever getting closure...and I just need someone to know whenever... I'm gonna eat cheesecake now...#....god i miss that livingroom. I fucking miss him....#this post was just supposed to be about mangle im sorry guys...though...i can see why mangle led me back to mac...#I'll never know about that too...never even got to drink with him...we missed so many years because of my mom's shitty ex...
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actually ascension needs its own post since that's the one with the most details to speculate over and im starved for soho talk so i will talk to myself if need be
First the cover again, because I kinda can't get over it:
my only thing is that I had been hoping we might get Lizbeth on a cover again since she's never been on one of the boxsets before, despite being the 2nd person credited on all 4 of them (even if that's just alphabetical, still, she's the only one of the four main characters who never makes the cover)
But letting that go...
I know we already kinda knew the brief for this one but damn I didn't expect it to go quite this hard. Maybe that's just because the Parasite & Ashenden covers were (comparatively) similarish to each other and I was so pleased with Unbegotten's, and then got so used to it as the placeholder for Ascension while they kept postponing it, I wasn't expecting anything this colorful or detailed or with what I can't help but register as Fun New Outfits even though these are still like, pretty damn basic as far as costumes go. Still, it's a different vibe from everyone in suits and trenchcoats on every cover, technically. (Oh the woes of being an audio fan such that two characters owning sweaters actually does qualify as new information)
On top of just being visually delightful though, I know we knew religion was gonna be a fairly big part of this one, but I didn't actually expect to get quite this much of it - though I'm glad of it for a number of reasons. The BF twitter already made the ineffable joke so I don't have to, but also yeah I did very much spend all of season 2 episode 4 of good omens half convinced Samuel Barnett & Dervla Kirwan were about to pop up around any given corner (if you will go around being gay supernatural and horrible at your messy bureaucratic jobs in midcentury soho then I'm sorry, this is where my brain's gonna go) - so, fuel to that fire. But in terms of actual important things, at least one of my Soho wishes looks to be being granted because we have a Rev Edward Folgate on the cast list, which must mean we're finally meeting Norton's father, even if his mother & brother don't appear (which they could, technically, I've definitely seen BF not list all the doublings on their cast tabs before). Religion, domesticity, and the nuclear family are all things that absolutely fascinate me when it comes to Norton's character, so getting any amount of story involving his father & his church is something I've been actively hoping for for a long time now.
(I will say I'm a tiny bit bummed Saffron Coomber isn't on the cast list to play Mia again, but I kinda figured she wasn't going to be since Greg Austin's Armitage, who's making his first recurring appearance after originating in Unbegotten, was listed ever since the boxset was announced - presumably if she was also returning, that would've been handled in the same way. But since Unbegotten ended with Lizbeth and Mia going on a date, I still held out hope. Who knows though, maybe things did go well for them and Lizbeth just has a better work/life balance than Norton so she can date someone without them getting dragged into every scifi plot. I know that's not a very common accomplishment for any Torchwood agent, but a gal can hope)
At this point I know I'm completely in the realm of speculation & even wishful thinking, but I'm really really hoping we get some more clues as to Norton's overall timeline in this one, and I have a feeling that even if there's nothing as direct as dates given, the events of a plot like this one are going to heavily influence my personal interpretation of it.
To say that life & death are major themes for the soho crew feels wildly reductive, but even by Torchwood's standards and taking into account its origins as a piece of media with Jack Harkness & his newfound immortality at the heart of it, the living/dead status of this bunch has always been fantastically up in the air to me. Obviously Ghost Mission introduced Norton as kind of a ghost before revealing more obvious ghostly characters later on to which the title might have been referring, but his being from the past did beg the question of his survival into Torchwood's present era all the same, which Outbreak later alludes to much more directly, and his habit of showing up via hologram in multiple stories only further obfuscates any certainty we might have about where & when he definitely can be said to be alive and well. Then you've got Lizbeth and Gideon both being effectively 'brought back to life' via paradoxes that prevented them ever having died in the first place. Again, they are very very far from being the only Torcwhood characters this happens to (for a sprawling EU, it's really rather impressive how often & in how many different ways Torchwood as a whole manages to circle back to being about like. chaotic undead queers at the end of every day. though I suppose that consistency is part of why I keep falling in love with its different iterations again and again). That's without even getting into the question of Norton's dubious fate in God Among Us - and I say dubious because I know some people take that to be his ultimate death, but I personally think that reading something as vague as that as having any kind of finality rather goes against the spirit of this whole world/series, not just because I want him to live. (There are obviously other ways to make him survive/reappear, but I don't see this as a River Song scenario where we can safely assume one of his earlier-released adventures had to happen at the end of his personal timeline). But wherever God Among Us falls for him, he does very much meet God in it - or at least, a god, since the sentinel in Unbegotten is also described as a god of sorts, and even if he doesn't ultimately have the status of the god Jacqueline King is playing there, Unbegotten is still full to bursting with ghosts/undead/came back wrong/echo characters to continue underscoring that life/afterlife theme.
So all things considered, even allowing for the fact that we know Norton's twin hobbies are lying about himself and abusing time travel to suit his own ends/ever-shifting alliances, I find it difficult to believe we could get through a whole 6-part boxset about religion & death without something providing some kind of compelling evidence about where this adventure fits in among his other run-ins with apocalypses and gods and ghosts and dead-but-still-here characters/creatures, so I'm very much looking forward to any further exploration on that front.
And lastly, and least intellectually, I really want to know what the hell 20th-century Torchwood's obsession with Reginalds is. Reading through the cast list, I had to do two separate doubletakes over the character 'Sir Reginald Peebles' - firstly, because I had Reginald Rigsby on the brain, this being Soho (and the other Troughton brother being so active on BF's releases for this same month) - and secondly, because reading this in conjunction with the announcement for the July monthly adventure in which the new main Torchwood guy of the 20s is apparently called Sir Reginald Dellafield, there was a brief moment where I took that monthly release to be a tie-in with Ascension. I don't expect it to be, but damn. was it really so popular a name?
anyways, catch me thinking about those stained glass windows for the next couple months I guess (and knowing Torchwood Soho, for a long long time after it comes out as well lol)
#torchwood soho: ascension#let's start with the most obvious shall we? behind norton - hellfire or divine radiance? whadda we think?#i know one's much more likely for him but also consider: he's been a fairly good boy by norton standards anyway lately#well i say 'lately' like i know when this takes place#idk why but i kinda feel like this starts very soon after unbegotten#comedy is probably why honestly. since that ends with them being like hey! something went right!#i think ever since i first heard that i was like ok cool so the next installment's gonna be something earth shatteringly bad#& it's gonna kick off dramatically literally one second after this scene ends right?#not that it wouldnt be nice to have some (clearly-defined) timeskip there#tbh i feel like that's the one thing that's missing with soho sometimes - those little medium-sized gaps in continuity#where either speculation or even a missing scenes style fic would go#between parasite & ashenden lizbeth was dead and andy wasnt in the right era for soho shenanigans#and norton and gideon went through SO much offscreen (offmic?)#rebuilding torchwood and starting a relationship and breaking up and getting possessed by space eels and destroying torchwood again#that's like... Too Much to analyze/meaningfully discuss without a few more details from canon#and between Ashenden & Unbegotten it's very unclear how much time has passed#norton certainly seems affected when he sees gideon again for the first time but we also know he went there for him so how long was it?#that and we have literally zero explanation for what andy's doing in the 50s in that one to begin with. has he been there continuously?#or did he leave and come back? if so did norton even have to try justifying it to him?#or does andy just accept at this point that he'll be summoned for anything norton feels is noteworthy? honestly either's plausible w him#but also we have so little confirmed about what torchwood looks like at this point in time!#maybe andy gets summoned for all missions bc he norton and lizbeth are virtually the only agents left after gideon quits#there's just a few too many things unexplained/alluded to for me to go total total fandom mode on this#speculating & theorizing about everything that happens off-audio#doubtless this is mainly bc of norton's general untrustworthiness#like im sure a different main character would've left the audience with fewer uncertainties after this many hours of storytelling#but with soho im still left needing just a tiiiiiny bit more before i feel im knowledgeable enough about the situation to expand upon it#in the traditional fandomy 'transformative' way#right now most of my fanning over it is just speculation about what precisely we can be confident in from the dialogue we do have#but i'd like to go further than that truly. these characters captivate me. obviously.
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#periodical life updates#(<- NUMBER 3!!!) I FINISHED THE ANIMATION AND EVERYTHING FOR THAT PROJECT AND SENT IT OFF! super excited!!#it looks really cute! i tried my best and im mostly satisfied of where i landed <33#it's my little sibling's birthday today!! it's also the first official meeting of lgbt club!! (the other event was a fun lgbt mixer)#my backpack smells bad. like mildew or mold maybe? urgh its awful and gives me a headache. i might need a new one. i dont know. urghhh.#my programming homework is due today!! yike!! but other than that my personal projects with deadlines are all done!#INIQUITY NOW THAT YOU HAVE TIME ARE YOU FINALLY GONNA WORK ON YOUR SELF SHIP BLOG?? YES!! HOPEFULLY!!#truthfully i /have/ been working on it on the side. it looks decent but the colors;;; i have always been pretty sht at color picking?#i can adjust with filters but without that im like. a little not good yet lmao. gotta do some studies sometime perhaps#BUT YAY EXCITED!! ive got some rambles and doodles and a tag system and f/o info which is extremely cumbersome (affectionate)!!#also i have new fandom ocs for the latest dimension 20 campaign and im so delighted heho <33 this campaign is literally so fun.#im watching it with my sibling when its done!! OOH ALSO I FIGURED OUT HOW TO PNGTUBE AND i will likely never use it BUT COOL!!#i dont like. talk. lmao. my art streams are 1) silent 2) rare 3) only shared with my siblings. pngtuber is a little useless. but CUTE!!#i got boba tea yesterday!! sandy bought it :3 <3 and we're having pho and cheesecake later and i might plan out a little excursion today?#like i might get a treatsie. OR i'll just sit on campus as usual and get a mango smoothie and draw for a while (or work on homework.)#(lets be honest its likely the former. i might get a little back into traditional? ooh or maybe i'll practice my asl?) HEY THOUGH.#ive been thinking about making a henrey stickmn (ask)blog to practice asl? like. no plot. just henry teaching ellie and charles asl#really funny considering my Real concept of an askblog for THSC. not ace or eca; but a secret third thing (⛎) ;)#then again since when have i EVER followed through on an askblog lmao?? damb im all over the place today. we're already hitting tag limit#okay!! 3 AM!! if im going early tomorrow i gotta eep! goodnight everyone i love you!! see you tomorrow if i have the energy and time!!
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i think ive finally hit that point where ive accepted that i need to Allow myself to enjoy genshin more casually otherwise it wont be long before i stop enjoying it altogether
#personal#its taken so long bc when i started the game i skipped through a lot of sidequests just to get the rewards/whatever they unlock#and later on i regretted it bc i was retroactively interested in lore and there was nothing left to do so wished id taken my time w those#and its rly that same reason i held off on doing a ton of content these past few months#telling myself i shouldnt do them until i had the time and attention span to rly absorb everything#but its rly time i let myself just go for it and enjoy what i Want to enjoy and not dwell too much on what i need to skip to achieve that#not just bc i dont think i'll ever go back to being as hyperfixated on genshin as ive been before (and therefore wont regret it)#but also because i dont really... want to#im at a slowly turning point in my life where i want to do other things with it too#and if i want to make room for those other things#i have to accept that i'll never again be one of those players who take the time to fully consume 100% of the content this game puts out#and thats Good#and i wish id realized sooner skgkslg#i rly have a bad tendency to put arbitrary restrictions on myself and forget why i put them there in the first place#like i played sm of totk with a 'no teleporting' rule bc i wanted to rly gove myself an excuse to explore#and it wasnt until recently that i realized id gotten to a point where it was taking away from my enjoyment more than adding to it#and so that it was ok to just discard that rule atp#i need to try being more conscious of that in general bc im realizing its hindering me in weird places irl too
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I will continue to be a cunt about this.
#vent#and sorry for the vents lately its been#its been a really harder summer#im holding out for august to be kind to me. but i doubt it.#i think... i think im#i think im starting to crack. i have to admit.#like i think im starting to crack under the intense pressure ive been put under.#i think im going to be in a bad place again for the first time in years if something doesnt change#im tired of being the strong one in everyones lives. im tired of having to be.#i deleted more words bc#eh. i dont want to air dirty laundry.#but i am hurting.
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feeling weird today.
#venting in the tags.#today is the 7 year anniversary of the shooting that happened in my town. if i were just a little closer i couldve been killed.#i remember the date because i have a list of days in my head i cant leave the house on. bad luck ocd and all that#i dont think im going to college just because im so scared of that happening again.#anyway. i dont know. ive made progress im able to leave the house most days i can go to school comfortably for the most part.#but its still strange.#if i had a time machine the first thing i would do is kill eric harris and dylan klebold as babies.#the world wouldve been a better place
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this is a very unique fear but I'm worried they're going to take my full time position away and try to make me part time again
#i really REALLY do not think this position should have been thr one they make full time#the financial person AND another very important position is part time and they will (inevitably) NEED to be full time#ive been here long enough that i know that#i saw them try once before to make BOTH of those positions part time and it crashed and burned#but now....they made me full time instead#and im Not going anywhere and they KNOW that#so the only way im losing full time is if they take it from me#and unfortunately my current boss is ASTRONOMICAL levels of bad#so i really really would not put it past her to sit me down in a few months and tell me they're making me part time again#i would quit of course because holy shit the disrespect but. im really scared#its literally been less than a month but still#also to be clear this place has like. a limit on how many people they can make full time#and ive fought and argued against that for ages like. they should just bite the fucking bullet and do it idc if its expensive you NEED staff#but ive also been here long enough to have seen again and again them drive people out just to avoid paying for another persons insurance#ughh idk i dont even know if thats something they can legally do#and this boss may not even be here in a few months#and i really dont care if they come to regret it but i DO care if they try to reverse it#ive wanted full time at this place for so long ive worked here for EIGHT FUCKING YEARS#SOOO STUPIDLY LONG JUST TO HOLD OUT HOPE FOR FULL TIME. LIKE I SHOULDVELEFT YEARS AGO#so if they give it to me after i worked so hard for so long and then take it away idk what ill do#quit obv but like. what after that#itll really fuck me up#idk im worrying about things i dont even have evidence to worry about#no one has given me any indication this could happen at all but ive been here longer than 80% of the staff#and i feel like i can see history repeating itself w the other two part time positions#but this time the obstacle in the way to fix it is ME#and not someone who was going to retire anyways#and im already scared they expect more from me than i know how to give like.#this is my first time being a manager! im 23! i dont even have a BACHELORS DEGREE YER#sorry for max tags damn. im way too paranoid about this :(
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okay word vomit to end the day :3
dont read it, this is mine >:[
#bllleegh its gonna be a long one#shush this is my internet diary to embarrass myself and say everything that comes to mind because it never gets read anyway :3#from the beginning i feel like i was always very very clear with how i felt. not as clear as now but yk still relatively#and again i never expected to become so attached and honestly#this is all my fault. i got too close and now i feel like this which i can 100% take responsibility for#but what i didnt make clear at all was how unworthy i felt of everythinf#every little message or piece of attention or even recognizing that i was there felt like a stab in the back#not in a bad way but in a ‘im getting my hopes up and its never attainable i need to stop but i cant’ way#so instead of dealing with that feeling i did the stupidest thing i couldve done and now im gonna continue to regret it#so every day since ive been wondering over and over what would’ve happened if i didnt make that decision#i thought if i forced myself away from that feeling that it would go away#so even though i wasnt happy i forced myself to do something i never wanted to do in the first place#and i hated every moment of it because all that was left was that feeling of you#one of the last things you said still kinda haunts me to this day#it was like being relieved that i wss entertaining someone else while you worried about me#that stung but you werent wrong#i wasnt there when i should have been not only bevause i was trying to get rid of feelings and because i was going through a bad time#but obviously i chose to run away and not confront my problems which is another regret#i didnt want to be weird by having feelings and i didnt want that to ruin everything. but i also didnt want to confide in you about what was#happening for fear of you seeing me different#then everything was quiet for months. i tried distracting myself and doing everything to stop thinking of you but obviously that didnt work#so now i was just stuck being unhappy without you knowing that you hate me#there was one week where it got so bad i couldnt even eat. i just had to speak to you again#so i did and now we’re here#i dont want to mess up again and i dont want to do more things i regret but i dont think im ever gonna win in this#i basically put all my cards down on the table face up and i still dont know what you have. its still a mystery to me why you were pissed#when i got that thing. and now the mystery is why we’re still even here#clearly you dont trust me and you dont love me and i dont think that this will ever change but idk why you want to keep me around#i’ll stick around forever and take whatever it is you give me but im genuinely confused.#if you dont trust me thennn why ? i’ll continue to keep making a fool of myself for you because its what i love doing
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trying to resist my urge to go missing and be a little hermitted cryptid with no friends and kinda failing miserably at it folks
#but hey i havent actually gone missing yet so#.... the friends part tho...#another part of me is begging for me to just go fucking text them but also most of us are like 🙃 what if we didnt#have i been dissociating and doing nothing the past week?? yes. yes i have.#what a time to be alive folks#i am losing my marbles#if there were any marbles to be had in the first place lol#my poor friends#yikes#and thats not even counting the new friends lacey was trying to make like 2 months ago 😬#u know what??? i think im just not meant for relationships#we're very bad at keeping up with ppl and thats like. 99% of a relationship#its cool i got my 2 cats#also fuck that little voice going “what if we see how long will it take for ur friends to drop u??” like bitch we'd be the one causing it#u idiot#thats the dumbest idea ive ever heard#and yet#its like.... arent you tired of dissapointing ppl over and over again?? and yet we still do it#ive got that good ole avoidance disease ingrained in me since i was but a child folks 😌#that is all 😌
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