#i understand logically i'm processing and dealing with the trauma from being there

[deservedgrace]

can someone confirm to me that i'm not being punished for leaving the faith

[djeterg19]

Hi, I realized that I never replied to your answer to my question (I swear I did).

First of all, thank you for answering. I really like talking to people and learning about their perspectives and thoughts. I appreciate Cir a lot, considering that he's a very complex character. I understand what it feels like to stop fighting after so much abuse, and I hope this chapter helps people understand why he behaves a certain way. So far I'm loving the little details of the show. I think the staff made very good choices music wise for the NC scenes, but I'm not ready to talk about it yet. I'm still processing everything and can't formulate any coherent thoughts. I just know that I cried with both, and it took me like 20 minutes to watch because I was so restless and couldn't breathe or started giggling and laughing. What an experience!!! I'll probably die with episode 7 😂😂.

The only thing I'm not enjoying right now is the fiance trope. 🙄

How are you liking it so far? ❤️

Sorry for the delayed reply! It's been a long week. Yes I know it's only Tuesday 😬

I love love love Cir and really hope they deal with his mom/his trauma well. They've been doing such a good job so far so I have high hopes. And I really believe that at first he did think he was from another universe and that his fantasy was reality. There are cases where coma patients have woken up and reported dreaming an entire life while comatose. I only hear things third hand but...I haven't seen any new hate so here's hoping people realize that Cir isn't being malicious. He's just grabbing onto his chance at happiness any way he can.

As for the NC... BossNoeul just have insane chemistry and work so well together that I feel like I'm intruding! Next week will kill me and I won't be mad at all about it.

As for the fiance it's a tired trope that I wish would be retired or used much less. Although in THIS specific case it's actually fairly logical since Cir's mom is so controlling of course she would have the "perfect" woman picked out to force him to marry. Once vain and shallow enough to not care that Cir doesn't love her as long as she gets money/power/whatever else she's been promised.

[dee-the-red-witch]

hi so. i'm sorry if you feel like this is something you've talked about too much but i'm genuinely having a hard time understanding- what's the issue with femboys? or is it a finnster-specific issue...? idk i can see how it's an issue of like. performing femininity but not really accepting what womanhood really means but what makes it different from drag in that case? or am i going in the wrong direction trying to understand? i have amab as well as afab ppl in my life that identify as femboys and use it as a loosely-nonbinary term but i also know a couple femboys that are. hm. probably eggs leaning on the term that's less "scary" when it comes to confronting gender, is it about that....?

sorry if this is exhausting for you to discuss i'm just confused and trying to understand

Ok, keep in mind, this is a nonny. Which means I need to treat this with the intent that it's bait. Because that's what fucking happens a lot to folks. So I'm picking my words. 1. Show me where I said I have a problem with femboys in general. Because honestly? No problem with the identity. No problem with the concept. Same with drag, same with Crossdressers, same with sissys. They're all just as valid. What I have a problem with is when people specifically use and abuse things like F1nn5ter's (last I checked, still using he/him pronouns, so that's what I'm using here) use of trap content. Content that gets trans women beaten, abused, exiled, ostracized, and killed on a daily basis to make profit, and does it scot free of any societal penalty, partly because of a massive supporting userbase and fame, and partly because he wasn't out about being a trans woman yet. That right there is where my problem is. People can and should explore, play with, perform, exist in femininity however and whenever they want, but the problem is ONE GROUP OF US KEEPS GETTING PUNISHED FOR IT while the others see far less, if ever. So again, no problem with the femboy identity or femboys in general, but oh yeah, big problems with the difference in treatment. 2. I'm also gonna ask this in return- why am *I* your expert on this subject? Because this happens to so many trans women- we're out, we get seen enough to be noticed, and suddenly we're supposed to be the pillars of the community, delivering Julia Serrano level philosophy, flawless looks, opinions, and knowledge? There's lots of other folks to ask this kind of thing about, why go to the terminally weird, 46-year-old, *OUT AND TRANSITIONING FOR LESS THAN THREE YEARS STILL* writer, artist, leatherworker, and tattooist, who's still VERY clearly in the process of dealing with her own self identification and a lot of past and present trauma, and think I'm going to be the one who's going to give you the perfect answer for this? (lbr, again, so many trans women get quizzed like this, then publicly crucified for saying the slightly wrong thing- see that bit about bait again? because oh yeah, this tactic, intentional or otherwise, has been seen a LOT this year.) Because honestly, there isn't a perfect answer. It's yet another messy human subject because all of us are messy to some extent to begin with. It's never going to have perfect sense or logic. I honestly don't think that it should. Perfect answers tend to not encompass being human answers very well at the same time.

And also, I'm not an expert. Nor should I have to be one. Especially when in my usual fields, I get to charge 50-100 bucks an hour for consulting, and here, I'll be lucky if you kick five bucks in my paypal or gfm in exchange for this. That said, nonny, hope you have a good night. Keep in mind this whole #2 section? Is rhetorical. I'm not expecting a dialogue or reply, and I don't really want one, at least not one with a greyface and shades. If you want to talk more? come off anon.

[circular-bircular]

Now that I can finally sit down and take 10 minutes to write this post--

Earlier today, we finally dived into the littlescourse that's starting up again. I fucking despite littles discourse, but it's so important to talk about, especially since there are a lot of common misconceptions. So, I'm going to get my thoughts out under a cut.

Firstly, it's important to acknowledge that child parts and littles are not the same thing. Child parts are parts who are stuck in that trauma; stuck in that moment. They often split when you're that age yourself, and they still feel that age entirely.

We only loosely have a child part, and we don't indicate which of our 14 alters is that part.

Then we have littles. Little is a term used by the community to denote... a lot of things, honestly -- it has a fairly loose definition from what I've seen! The way I use it for my system is "Part that identifies as a child in spirit." That is because none of my parts are literally children; all of them can acknowledge we are 26, going on 27, and can accurately remember things. Only one part gets fuzzy on that, and that would be said child part.

Our littles are adults. Because I am an adult.

Now, to address some of what was said in the post from earlier (which I will not be linking, as I genuinely don't want to bother OP with this, but it's all things I feel need said):

something I HATE about syscords is that they have sections specifically for littles. they are CHILDREN. Why are you letting them have a place online?

I hate littles channels in syscords too, because often, my littles who curse, discuss severe trauma, and like to vent about adult matters are stuck with child parts. If your post is discussing child parts, then... I can understand some of your reservations, honestly! But I can also say, to each system their own -- maybe that system knows something I don't about how safe their child parts can be. I know I can let my child part talk in syscords without it being harmful for her, though we do keep a close eye.

I'm sorry, but caretakers in your system are there for your littles.

None of my caretakers look after my littles because our system only has three caretakers -- and two of them are our littles. We have Sie and LED, who are our emotional caretakers. The other caretaker is... Sie, but grown up -- Sierra. By your logic, my littles should be caretaking themselves! Which. They do.

Which, skipping around a bit, leads me to this point you made:

The fact that you let your littles participate in adult actions and they are "mature enough" when littles are there to heal your inner child that you LOST due to trauma makes me SO disturbed.

...

My littles aren't here to "heal the inner child that I lose due to trauma."

Straight up, that is not their job.

Sie's job is to help us understand that we can still have fun as an adult. She's there to remind us that childhood is how we define it, not how our parents did. She isn't there to 'heal our inner child' -- she's there to heal our inner adults.

LED's job is to regulate our emotions. We struggle with our distress, our fear, our shame. When it gets too much, he helps us to see the positive light in the world again. His job is also to process trauma and come to terms with what we've gone through in a healthy manner; learning how to grow up is his job.

And Gazi, her job is specifically related to Curtis's. Yknow. The sexual alter we have who we split to deal with our internalized homophobia and transphobia. Gazi, who is there to help him process his feelings. To help us all process our feelings, as we start to integrate more. She's newer, so it's hard for us to understand her role, but nowhere there do I feel "healing our inner child" fits.

Your system is not applicable to everyone. For instance, my system does not have an "inner child" who needs healed in that way, and even if we consider our one child part to need healing -- it wouldn't be their job!

Our mum (an adult, like you.) is a system and one of her littles isn't allowed to consent or have adult actions, you know why? BECAUSE THAT LITTLE IS A CHILD!!

Cool! My littles aren't like that. That was my point in my post.

Every system is different and I won't judge you for what you do. But the fact you openly say this shit on the internet as a GROWN ADULT makes me lose faith in the future for everyone.

This sounds a hell of a lot like judging me for what I do.

For most systems the littles chat is there for a reason and that's to protect them, especially if that system is a minor. Which in syscords, is mostly minors.

Never said they're inherently bad; I just said I wish more syscords allowed people to choose for themselves if their littles need to isolate in those channels.

As I MINOR (let me say it again.) MINOR with littles, for some systems I get why littles can't stay in main chat in syscords, it's for safety.

Cool! I genuinely don't know why people in syscourse are so insistent on reminding everyone that they're minors. It's okay to be a kid. I didn't describe anything graphic in my post. I simply mentioned "mature acts."

Obviously, as a 16 year old... You shouldn't be doing those mature acts! But I would hope that, by 16, you can understand that... adults... do mature things sometimes? And can find positivity, joy, and yes, healing through those mature things. I had hope that you were mature enough, yourself, to be able to acknowledge that adults do things you don't do.

Your system will be different you're an ADULT. but us, we're a MINOR, there's still things that we don't even understand and we're still going through my own traumas. You're able to recognise basic things without being disturbed and out right saying your littles can do outrageous shit like this.

You being a minor once again does not negate the ability to understand "Huh, maybe that person's experiences will be okay once I'm older."

I can recognize you're a minor and going through your own traumas. I never once said you need to let your littles completely loose to do whatever they want -- in fact, I strongly advise against it, especially if you're still in an active trauma situation. But. Minors can recognize basic things "without being disturbed" as well. That's not something I gained from being an adult. I knew how to do that at age 15 at least.

The reason the post even exists is to state our opinion and talk into the void about issues that either we have or others do. Not for you to compare your system to everyone else's. Respectfully.

I will be honest, I don't feel very respected, with my actions which have been incredibly healing for my parts being called outrageous, disturbing, and something to lose faith over. I'm really sorry that your post -- publicly put into the DID tags with the word "thoughts?" at the end of the post -- wasn't looking for other system input. I'm also really sorry that you're going to get a LOT more people explaining their thoughts on this, when it seems like the conversation is unwanted.

The fact is, your experiences are not just not universal -- they are also fairly uncommon. Many, many, many systems have found healing through letting their littles grow up and be mature. Whatever that may look like for them.

And then this last bit...

(I'm not pressed about this, but the way you've replied makes me feel physically ill from someone who has been taken advantage of not only as a child, but also has had to see our littles go out of their way to not be around a caretaker because they wanna talk to people and then hurt, harassed and exposed to disgusting content online because people are CREEPS. For our system, we CANNOT let littles into online spaces. Especially around strangers. Our littles have the mindset of a 16 year old. so, oh so sorry to stay it's different for minors.)

You've made a lot of bold assumptions here, entirely based on your own experiences once again.

I am a system who was taken advantage of as a child. I've also had my littles -- back when they were more akin to child parts -- go out of their way to not be around a caretaker. I've had my littles get hurt in the past, exposed to disgusting content, and participate in acts they could not, at the time, consent to. We were severely hurt by these actions.

I also changed. They changed. And we grew.

There is hope for the future, you know that, right? Again, I know you're 16, but I really hope you know that there will come a time when those child parts of you may grow up, or become part of you in their own right. There may come a time in your future when you will need to navigate romance and intimacy and "mature things" in regards to your littles. I don't say this to scare you, but to help you understand that there can be growth and change.

You don't need to make that leap right now -- again, please fucking don't, you are a LITERAL MINOR -- but understand that healing can come in many ways.

I compared my system in your post to help you understand the perspective of others who might be healing in ways other than yours, or even just the perspective of others who aren't like you at all. Not to say all systems have to be like mine, or that you HAVE to let your littles do things like what mine do. I'm not sure how many times I could've added, "This definitely isn’t the case for every system" like I did in the post, but... Yeah. Apparently I didn't make that clear enough.

Things are different for minors, yet. Thankfully, you've only got two more years left before maybe, just maybe, it might be time to start thinking about what your life may be like as an adult, and what healing may come in your future one day.

[areyoudoingthis]

i understand where the anger at izzy's still coming from, but I also think what's happening is that we built a lot of expectations around him, and in the end the way the show decided to deal with him was a lot simpler and, i think, a lot more meaningful and true to the overall themes of ofmd. on the one hand, this season has been chiefly about the effects stede's "kill them with kindness" people positive management style has had in the world even in his absence (i'm writing another meta about that because it's giving me the worst brain worms) and, on the other hand, the show also went "it's not that deep" (at least where the crew's concerned.)

yes izzy sold them out to the british, but the crew didn't really experience any negative consequences from that, they were allowed to stay on the ship and go back to life as usual. and they were fine for a bit after ed came back (until izzy committed his most recent hate crime, but that was between him and ed, and it'll have to be resolved between him and ed.) he was a shit captain and they mutinied, but that's over, he doesn't have that kind of power over them anymore, and he's now broken and pathetic instead. kraken ed was their captain for longer, and in their own experience they suffered more under him, and the consequences of that time are far more fresh in their memories (i'm not saying ed was worse, just that their time with him impacted them more, because ed's self destruction was much more raw and intense and harder to process than izzy's simple and absurd brand of despotism.)

so i get why the crew needed some time away from ed while they sorted themselves out, and I also get why they banded together to help izzy. this is a group of people that's been through hell but still remembers the days when things were better, and they associate those days with stede and his ways. of course they chose to be kind. izzy was frankly pathetic, drunk and crying and clearly still unwilling to live, finally experiencing the consequences of his own actions and suffering as others have suffered from them before. and the crew took pity on him and made him a new leg, which also served as a way of bonding among themselves and working through their own trauma. they chose to follow the stede bonnet way and kill them with kindness. and for the first time in the entire show, izzy accepted a gesture of kindness with genuine emotional openness. he cried when he read the note. he put on the leg and cleaned himself up and decided to accept the place he was offered among the crew. he whittled a shark and gifted it to lucius because he was having a hard time, and he used the wildest most fucked up logic to give what was actually good advice: deal with this and move on because if you stay stuck it will destroy you. he knows all about choosing to stay stuck in fucked up situations and being destroyed.

meanwhile ed went on his own journey of self discovery and healing with stede, who of course was always going to be the person to be there for him, but also, in what was an incredibly heartwarming moment, with fang, who other than izzy is his oldest crew member and the person who's known him the longest. and ed also got kindness and emotional honesty and forgiveness from the people that matter. I'm sure he'll keep bonding with the rest of the crew in the future, since most of them have forgiven him and he's so, so eager to heal and connect with others.

does izzy still have shit to apologize for? sure, and i feel like down the line he and ed are gonna talk and figure out whatever still can be figured out. but i think as far as the crew's concerned, he's a sad little gremlin they took pity on, and as long as he stays in line they're okay with having a pet onboard from now on

[corruptedplaylist]

looking out for you: act ii behind the scenes

just pretending like im on a talk show i am both the interviewer and the host <3

motivation for writing the lance and keith solo chapters

i've been raring to write the solo winter break chapters (i just called them the winter break interlude in my head for a bit) since september/october actually. i viewed it as my reward for finishing act ii 💀 not just because i love angst but also i love a good character study/character development heavy chapter and i really got to dig into each character and their home lives.

the foundation of this fic is entirely based on my dissatisfaction with how the show progressed and ended and subsequent self-indulgence— i've just been addressing a lot of the issues i had with vld. one such issue for me was the lack of in-depth character development. i enjoy a good romance as much as the next person but i really wanted to understand keith and lance as individuals who functioned outside of each other and the context of the group, and the solo chapters were a great writing exercise for me in terms of characterization and character-driven storytelling. so let's get into it baby!

lance's section (chapter 11) first.

we never got to see lance's growth as a character beyond "the dumb one" or the guy who cracks jokes for the sake of the team. the smaller vulnerable moments lance had, where he broke down and felt like he was useless and tried to leave the team or when he admitted he missed his family and Earth— they never got properly resolved. i think lance's identity as a 1.5 generation immigrant (immigrating to the States as a little kid) as well as his status as the youngest in a large family impacted his thought process and self-perception and i wanted to showcase that.

for children especially, immigration can be traumatic. i know "trauma" is an oversaturated buzzword used in pop psychology these days but i refer its definition as something established in one of my classes: "an event or series of events that is perceived as frightening, distressing, or life-threatening and has long-lasting effects on the survivor's emotional, social, mental, and physical processes." i imagine that for a 5-year-old lance, who has always been family-oriented and prone to bouts of homesickness, he experienced his immigration as traumatic when he had to leave behind everything he knew in cuba (his house, his friends, his neighbors, most of his family members) and start his life over in america. like, that's a LOT for anyone, let alone a little kid, to have to deal with. and that's where i extrapolated the notion that lance is afraid of being left behind— he didn't really have a choice in whether or not he got to leave cuba and so he's carried this fear that everyone in cuba will move on without him.

on top of that, i think lance acted as a sponge for his family's negative emotions related to immigration (stress, anxiety, sadness). that's partially where he developed the conception that he had to perform, to always be on and distract them from their negative feelings. ofc, it also doesn't help that as the youngest, he really has to jockey with his siblings for a Thing (i.e. Luis is the family man, Marco is the athlete, Veronica and Rachel are the career-driven women).

i knew from the get-go i was gonna make this bitch have daddy issues lol. first and foremost, i do not want to dismiss the very real fact that there are tons of immigrant parents who hold homophobic notions and ideals because that is 100% real. however, the way that it's portrayed in media can sometimes flatten a lot of the potential for a nuanced relationship. i'm not excusing homophobia by any means but i am coming from a place of engaged empathy. our parents are a product of a society and culture that has ingrained in them homophobic ideals and fucked notions of gender expression. it's difficult to break a way of thinking and acting when you've had that logic shoved down your throat since birth. i think there's a lot to be said on the concept of masculinity and the "strong silent immigrant parent," which i haven't seen much in the voltron fanfiction i've consumed. i wanted to craft a relationship between lance and his dad where it can be boiled down to: "your love hurts." their conversation at the end of chapter 11 is by no means fixing everything, but it's a step in the right direction.

i also just really love lance's relationship with his siblings. i'm the oldest so it was a fun exercise to just see how lance interacts with his siblings as the youngest. also that's not the last you'll be seeing of the McClan in this fic......

let's talk about the keith section:

ok first, we've been able to view shiro from keith, lance, and adam's pov thus far. the thing is, though, is that lance still kind of views shiro as his idol/someone he's looked up to, and i wrote adam's pov primarily so the audience could view klance as a unit. shiro's character felt a little flat, and that was kind of on purpose thus far. keith and shiro are obviously incredibly close since they're brothers in this universe, but there's been an underlying tension so far because keith feels distant from shiro and i wanted to address that finally.

i think it's a natural thing for relationships to change once people hit college/move out. keith's mom left when he was a kid and his dad died and he bounced from foster home to foster home so ofc he's going to develop a huge complex about forming attachments to other people. i think it makes sense that one of keith's biggest fears is that shiro will leave him or grow tired of him, which obvi isn't true, but when you get in your head about something, after years of trauma and reinforcement of a spiral of bad thoughts, it's hard to get out of it. so keith's chapter was kind of confronting this idea that he deserves good, and that he might be good, and maybe he should stop running and learn to accept that he is loved.

i'm sure y'all have picked up on the whole thing i have for keith about showing the evolution of his willingness to be vulnerable and open up through cooking. at the end of keith's chapter, he is making kimchi fried rice with akemi which holds a lot of nuance.

1) keith is slowly but surely exploring his own heritage. (i know i haven't touched on keith's korean identity in a bit but dw that's coming in later chapters). fried rice isn't an entirely new concept to him bc he was raised in a japanese household (and also just exists in the world) but he's embracing positive change within himself and even initiating it himself by trying out a korean recipe, using kimchi, a korean food

2) not only is he trying out a korean recipe, he felt safe enough to attempt it for the first time at college, in a shared house with all his friends, and even served it to them, which is a HUGE step in his willingness to be perceived.

3) he is sharing this recipe with akemi, his japanese kind-of mom. it's the fact that cooking is kind of a love language for keith and akemi, and he wants to share something he's found for himself, away from the texas house, and integrated it into his old life, mixing what he knew with what he knows now.

akemi, who has shared her own recipes she learned from her family with keith and took on the role of teacher, is now the student. she's learning a recipe from keith and engaging in his explorations of his koreanness through cooking. and keith is sharing his culture with her because he tried it on his own with his own little found family, like "hey look at this thing i tried out for myself can i share it with you?"

tl;dr for chapters 11 and 12

i wanted to use the solo chapters as ways to show how lance and keith react to change— the ways they view it and the reasons they fear it. it can be boiled down to this:

lance: i am afraid of being left behind and i wish things would stay the same so i do not have to address the fear of being left behind because that implies i am not good enough for someone to stay for. keith: nothing has ever stayed the same for me and i am afraid of getting comfortable in the love that my community has for me because that could all be ripped away at a moment's notice. i will leave first as an act of self preservation.

allura 💖🧚🏿‍♀️🥰

i love you allura!!!! i got to have keith and lance each have a little moment with our fave princess because 1) keith and allura didn't interact a lot in this supposed found family in the canon other than when allura found out keith was galra and 2) i really liked the friendship between lance and allura in seasons 3-4 and i wish there were more moments like that. i think keith and allura could both connect more on grief and heritage since they both lost their parents, bridges to their respective cultures (keith korean, and allura jamaican). that little moment in ch 6 between both of them was very special for me as well— as an adoptee, i felt disconnected from a lot of traditions and holidays and foods that were a part of my birth culture but i didn't have anyone to celebrate it with. having keith and allura kind of discuss that together was not only a great character development moment but also was me projecting a lil 😗

side note: allura saying goodnight to keith in chapter 8 after halloweekend shenanigans parallels chapter 2, when they're outside the bathroom and she goes to touch his shoulder but he ducks away. i thought it'd be a nice little easter egg to show the progression of their friendship— in chapter 8, keith lets allura touch him and affirm their status as friends who have fun together.

i like lotor as a character but i had to nerf him a bit in this fic in regards to his relationship with allura. i think allura's relationship with lotor adds to her depth as a character— she's seen as the strong girlboss who doesn't take shit but hinting at her toxic relationship and portraying its affects was important to me. yes, allura is a badass but also she is not immune to shitty stuff, and even the most badass of people can get into bad situations. it doesn't make them weak, it just makes them human. i wanted lance, who def has this image of allura that's different from reality, to kind of find allura in this vulnerable moment and 1) realize that she's a person first and foremost, not an infallible goddess and 2) comfort her wholeheartedly because lance, to his core, is a very kind person and even when drunk, he's going to try and find the right words to say.

allura is a side character in all of this but i wanted to give her some complexity as well, since lance hangs out a lot with hunk and pidge and keith is closer with shiro and adam.

ch 9 klance development

ok look everything everywhere all at once left a fucking imprint on my brain when i saw it. "in another life i would have liked just doing laundry and taxes with you" ok stab me in the gut. that being said, i know i really wanted to give klance a moment to just be friends who run domestic errands together, to start nudging them in a direction where they're both like, "hey i kinda enjoy hanging out with this person one-on-one, and im comfortable enough to feel like i dont have to perform in front of them." klance just being domestic and folding laundry together at a laundromat and sharing airpods askgjakdjghlkadjfhgadf.

i also wanted to include the little adam and lance moment toward the end, because let's face it, adam would have absolutely adored lance (i say from the 2 minutes of screentime canon adam w got). lance has hunk and pidge and he's friends with allura but i wanted to give him someone to look up to and rely on the way keith has shiro. esp since lance is the youngest and away from home— adam probably reminds him more of his siblings initially, because lance has a more grounded perspective of adam than shiro, who's a microniche celebrity.

about the beach episode

i love beach filler episodes so fucking much. it's just a great time to get the ensemble out of the typical college setting and see how they function as a unit in a different environment. from the car rides, to stopping for food at some dingy ass fast food chain, to fucking around on the beach and chasing birds and sharing lunch ugh i love it so much it was lovely to write. mirroring adashi's relationship development with klance's was fun, i've had that idea in my head for awhile now so it was gratifying to see it come to fruition. i knew that i would have lance realize he liked keith first simply because keith takes a bit to process his emotions. dw this isn't gonna be some one-sided, drawn out pining for too long.

this beach chapter was a way for me to simultaneously reflect on how things have progressed with klance's relationships. not just with each other, but the rest of the group as well. i wanted them to have gotten a natural dynamic where they're all close enough to go on a beach trip and just fuck around and be normal college kids taking a break for finals. it also allowed me to plant the seeds for further klance development, as well as hint at the central conflict that would follow lance in chapter 11. chapter 10 was a great wrap up for the overall dynamic of the group and a way to end the fall semester.

what was it like to write in adam's pov?

that was so much fucking fun ahhhhh. for one reason, klance aren't together yet and i wanted. to write. domestic bliss. second, it's a great narrative tool to kind of zoom out a bit when viewing klance. we can see how the boys interact in a group setting from an outsider's perspective, without all the gay panic or inner monologues, as fun as they are to write. they just exist as they are, and adam takes note of it. third, i love adam and the potential of adashi and i am so so so sad that adam got killed off after less than 90 seconds of screentime. nothing against curtis, but i've just been more attached to adam since his character was revealed in the show (even if it wasn't for long). shiro deserves a loving partner and healthy relationship and i think adashi are so fucking cute. and yeah, i'm paralleling adashi's relationship development with klance, i just couldn't fucking resist.

when tf are lance and keith gonna get together?

LMAO yeah i knew this was gonna be a slowburn but damn i really am drawing it out. i do want to follow a somewhat logical progression and pacing, though. act i was building klance up as people who could find some common ground and humanize each other instead of just butting heads. act ii has been following the development of their friendship and planting the seeds for romantic attraction, as you might have seen from chapter 10. dw, there is a spike in the klance development in act iii as i focus on their navigation as a couple, and as y'all know, i already wrote the confession scene. it's coming!!!! soon!!!!!!!

multilingualism as a plot device

i've talked about it before but i love!!!! using language as a plot device to demonstrate a character's personality/development/interpersonal relationship!!!

i'm not a fluent speaker in any of the languages that have appeared or been mentioned in this fic (spanish, japanese, korean, jamaican creole, tagalog). i've studied most of them lackadaisically and i'm sort of fuzzy on grammar and cultural nuance. i've been consulting with actual native speakers of these languages to try and make it as authentic as possible but ofc, if you do speak those languages and something sticks out with the translations, please let me know!

i studied spanish in high school, but it was a mix of mexican and castillian spanish because i had different teachers between the years. diving into cuban spanish, which is an entirely different dialect because of its history in the caribbean, has been really fun (and also a lot of work my god i haven't had to bust out my spanish in years). learning all the different curses has been sooooo cool, i love profanity in other languages.

that being said, i think it's really interesting when writing from keith's pov and incorporating language. i have this idea that when keith first moved in with the shiroganes, akemi and shiro tried to encourage him to go to korean school but he probably got embarrassed because he was put with a bunch of little kids due to his speaking ability and stopped going.

the linguistic and cultural barrier was fun to craft between keith and akemi because when they first met each other, keith probably spoke 0 japanese and akemi was more comfortable in japanese and less in english. from the flashback in chapter 12, we see that keith has already been studying hard to work to a conversational level of japanese, and he can understand basic phrases (akemi tries to accommodate him as well). even so, keith still uses 丁寧語 or teneigo, the standard level of politeness for japanese, when he's speaking with akemi. it shows that even though he's progressed in his japanese, he still puts some distance between him and akemi, like he sees himself as a long-term houseguest. ofc there's layers of respect that are interlaced with teneigo, but close family units don't use teneigo when they speak to each other.

this has been a disorganized and rambling behind the scenes of looking out for you act ii. thanks for tuning in and see y'all next time <3

[avianconcept]

Thank you!! Someone had to say it!

I actually liked that they didn't handle it well in the book simply because it made sense in the narrative, and for who the characters are. Its 2007, and none of them (as far as we know) have a frame of reference for Jean's type and scope of trauma. If they responded perfectly, I think I'd honestly find it kind of hard to believe. I'm a fan of authors being very logical in their character's responses like that.

But I'll go a step further, and look at it from a more...emotional? angle. I don't understand why people hate on them for handling it badly. When I read the book, I found it almost...endearing? In the sense that -to me- their occasionally badly executed attempts at handling Jean reflect such a determination to care and to try.

As always, bear with me.

A major theme of the book, in my opinion, is that looking away, be it literally or metaphorically, when something is wrong and someone needs help, is an act of violence. To me, the floozies ‘bad’ handling of Jean’s trauma is just a product of them not looking away. The easier thing is always to look away, or worse, to push the thing that makes you uncomfortable away as fast and far as you can.

Trauma is often reacted to this way. Most people are not used to seeing people get triggered, especially when the resulting behavior is violent or frightening in nature. People aren't sure how to deal with what are clearly serious issues, so they respond to that discomfort by pulling away. They put distance between themselves and this person they don't understand, and in the process, alienate the victim further.

Cat, Laila, and Jeremy seem to be aware that they are in over their heads, with Jean. They can see that he's got shit going on that they have no idea how to deal with.

But they don't drop him, they don't pretend it isn't happening, and they don't hold him at arm's length.

They try.

They use what limited, ill fitting knowledge they have, and they try to meet him where he's at. They do not respond like trauma therapists because they are not trauma therapists. They are twenty-somethings in 2007 who understand very little beyond knowing that there is a person in front of them who is clearly not alright.

Over and over again, they choose to do the uncomfortable thing, and try to offer him what they can. What he needs is probably intensive therapy- but he's has (or will have, come TGR) Betsy for that.

The Floozies are offering something less clean cut than a therapist, but no less well intentioned or valuable. It's friendship, and warmth, and a chance at normalcy. They challenge his harmful thinking, and try to prevent him from retreating within himself so far that no one can get to him. They push him to do new things, and provide a contrast to what he believes life to be.

And yeah, sometimes they mishandle things. They're also young. But they do not quit on him. They very determinedly do not look away, even as the pile of Big Scary Concepts To Reckon With gets bigger and bigger. I think they're meant to be a contrast to the Ravens, in a lot of ways. Instead of picking on his weakness, they refuse to leave him behind. They don't let him stay trapped in his own head just because it would be easier for them.

In my opinion, their well intentioned, somewhat poorly executed attempts at trying are a hundred times better than not trying at all.

"the floozies are terrible at dealing with Jean's trauma!!?!!!"

the floozies are twenty years old

[imaginationsublime]

2/18/2025

falling out of grace with life. I've lost hope. Before I use to lead w my heart. after being hurt so often or putting in trust in people who only broke it, I've lead to intellectualizing. found 4 points.

explaining negative events: I don't necessarily justify peoples behavior. I'm understanding to a certain extent. I explain things that bother me and not always will those things be constructive. I try to steer clear from victimization.

Distracting myself: I do that when I need a breather. I try not to do this during times of friction, I feel like getting to the bottom of it serves better. things tend to get forgotten or swept under the rug if too much distraction does its job. I process my feelings. I think its healthy to do so. I identify that I have a lot of hurt that is unresolved. Grew up with out much care or affection and being logical or intellectual seems to problem solve some things not all things.

Focusing on task: As years progressed and others hadnt found importance in working emotions like I was, I learned to use the phrase it is what it is. As Whitney Houston said, its not RIGHT but its OK. If im being honest, growing up I've always felt too much and it seemed hindering. It seemed like I gave my attention and heart to those undeserving or those with bad intentions. So currently I deal with my emotions but Im guarded with others. I've lost trust.

Talking about feelings in an emotionless way: I wouldn't say that's realistically me. I am capable of being vulnerable I don't think kindness is a weakness. Empathy and compassion are human essentials.

I suppose its a trauma response. Similar to dark humor. I can identify that I don't neglect my emotions. no matter how much I wish I could I cant. sometimes I feel like giving into the darkness would mean I would be successful, I'd be a social figure. It just wouldn't be true to my core persona. I care too much and that can also be hindering. I'm going through a villain era. I have a darkness that I also don't negate. I believe with some things its very an eye for an eye, I know it makes the world go blind but sometimes people have to learn the hard way. use other senses.

I'm just very unsatisfied with society, with the quality of people I come across. one of my rules is do not mess with the innocent. protect. I've learned how to fight back. I use to not understand the harshness, the unfairness on who the afterlife takes first, in times of fear i use to freeze. take the beatings. I never really ever had the response of flight. I always stayed a constant. stuck around. I would want someone to stick around too.

how do I engage in self care and emotional well being? I take time to really feel what I feel. whether its good or bad. I sing. I hang out w friends, my dog. I spend time out in nature. sometimes that heals a present hurt. sometimes it feels ok. I do recreational activities. I paint, I go for walks. I take a bath and I do activities that make me happy. at least for the time being. I am very grateful about things. I'm just angry after being sad. I'm so very angry. I do practice gratitude. have a mantra where I'm exhaling and inhaling. breathing exercises.

so u say this. and I identify to a certain extent. I feel like I'm still presently continuing a balance. So idk what I am doing wrong. My friends sometimes joke and tell me I have serial killer tendencies. Everyone is capable of it right? we all know there is always a bigger predator. should we do a necessary evil to help a bigger scheme?

I am in touch with my spirit animal. Only once has it manifested in my dream angry. The other times its a bit comforting to know it hasn't left. Its not as bold as before. its felt what I've felt and lets me lead. I miss my wolf being there more upfront. I recognize that I'm an intense individual. I think that is because I've always been in touch with my emotions. somewhere along life... I've been identifying with the villain. I don't have bad intentions. I feel very misunderstood. in the back of my mind, I think that the possibility of doing bad, is getting closer. if u cant beat em, join em. even if that means losing ur spark. I don't want to lose myself. I've always been so sure of that part.

I called my friend after our session. I got tired of being the one who is always reaching out. calling. making time for others and not getting the reciprocated care im looking for. given many opportunities and time. I passively not angrily told him that It was making me feel bad and that i hate pretending when things are not right. I told him we can still talk but I wont be reaching out any longer..

[brick-van-dyke]

// vent, personal, heavy content

[TW: healing from trauma, sexual assault, abuse, neglect, specifics and details of ptsd/ c-ptsd, heavy subject matter in general]

So yesterday I made a lot of progress with therapy, but it was also one of heaviest sessions I've had so far with dealing with my trauma. I've made a lot of realisations, but primarily I've realised that a lot of the different feelings and stages of trauma I experience overlap. As in, my fears turns to sadness which turns to anger. It's a cycle of feelings that come from specific thoughts and feelings from this specific experience around my past abuser.

We were working on not falling into pure fight or flight reactions when I imagine his face, which was very difficult to do since I immediately go in a state of fright, sadness and anger immediately. It's very overwhelming. I immediately feel exactly how I felt back when the thing happened (being touched inappropriately as a child by said abuser), which my reaction to is to immediately freeze.

I realised that when I freeze, I feel helpless; a lack of control, and then shift to sadness after that as I start to feel guilt and uselessness over not being able to fight back and being stuck in flight mode. This begets "I'm useless" and "I'm broken" as thoughts and feelings. After sitting with them, they then shift to "but it's not my fault" (positive and true), then to "it's actually their fault" which changes the sadness to anger at the betrayal of having my trust of said abuser (family member) violated and having such an act done to me (unfairness).

Unlike other feelings and thoughts up to this point which have been things like "I'm useless" or "I'm broken" or "I'm unsafe right now" (when thinking of abusers face when I am not near him and in a safe environment), which are logically speaking untrue and I know are untrue, "it is his fault for doing this" is true, which makes it harder to reason with and grapple with. I then realised that while "you're safe" or "he's not a threat" doesn't seem to help me now, "it's over" which feels both physically true and not dismissive of how I feel (the previous made me feel this way), so I was able to reinforce a new line of thinking: "it's over now" and reminding myself that, while he has acted up with others in the sense he's been a jerk still, "even if it's not over yet, I'm stronger now" helps.

I've also realised that I've been grieving the loss of my childhood; of things I avoided out of fear (trying new relationships due to seeing romance as violance), or the experiences that were ruined, or how I was unable to address understanding my identity or orientation, how I feel like I lossed many opportunities that I may not have now and missed due to the abuse inflicted. And realised that the process of fear (freezing) -> depression (helplessness) -> anger (unfairness) -> numbness (bargaining) -> relaxation (acceptance) is also a part of that/ heavily linked to grief of losing opportunities from childhood and what happened. I'm very much mourning the loss of myself and learning to come to terms with it.

I've also been learning how to accept feeling relaxed, since I'm used to being in a constant state of fight or flight because that makes me feel safer. Feeling relaxed has felt unsafe which has made it feel uncomfortable and very similar to numbness and freezing because I feel more helpless when I relax, so I'm starting to learn how to allow myself to "take off my armour" so to speak and allow myself to not always be in a state of readiness; to be calm and relaxed inside myself. Even though I appear calm on the outside, I've realised that I'm usually in a state of readiness which is partly why I always feel safe in any situation, I think, because I'm more confident in this emotional "armour" I put on where I ready myself to escape into myself or literally run or literally fight or figuratively fight an unseen foe. Learning to disarm yourself and sit still; to relax, is incredibly hard to come to terms with because it feels unsafe. But understanding "it's over now" is important and helpful in addressing the issues caused by my C-PTSD.

I also want to say I'm very grateful for the Graceling Realm series and especially Winterkeep for the phrase "I am stronger than the way they make me feel". This has been the most powerful tool I've found when dealing with my trauma, personally, since for me it is a struggle of acknowledging my emotions compared to the logic of my situation and my logical thoughts. In particular, I am able to feel out my feelings in regards to my abuser without numbing it like I tend to do or falling into a panic attack, which is the other extreme if I try to get in touch with those feelings deep down that I've buried. Instead, I tell myself, over and over "I am stronger than the way this makes me feel" as I imagine my abuser in front of me. I start to be able to confront those feelings and come to understand them, reasoning with them, and let them flow freely instead of compressed deep down to bottle up.

I almost cried a few times and went I to a panic, something I'm not very good at/ with around others since I have a whole other pile of trauma with that, but I found that this at least helped me remain physically calm enough to address it while not falling into a panic or crying, which would had increased the load because I struggle with feeling vulnerable and helpless in front of people, even those I trust. I'm slowly working on this, but for now, I want to focus on not falling into lashing out with anger whenever he is brought up or I see him (this complicates matters even more because he's specifically a family member that is old and needs physical care from the rest of the family, most of which have cut him off. My grandma told my mum to look after him before she passed so her hands are sort of tied and I understand that he has dementia so he doesn't even remember what he's done. I'd feel worse lashing out basically.)

Overall, I've made incredible progress in starting to heal and become better at dealing with the trauma I have around these things. I'm still exhausted from the process and I have a long way to go, but this is something I very proud of and wanted to write about.

Adding: while this may come from my own very personal experiences, people are free to reblog this. Especially if the methods I used to heal help you or others in your/their own journeys of recovering from trauma or anything like that.

[ultimate-marysue]

Oh I thought we all knew Jason's anger is not anger most of the time. Not only is he still trying to grieve for something so absolutely brutal and unfair that was done to him not too long ago (from Jason's own perspective he's been back for a year or three, that's not a lot), but his emotional regulation is not the best.

Jason is one of the most emotional Batkids, which makes perfect sense considering how he's emotionally stunted. One day he was 15, the next he was almost 18 and had gone through the most traumatic experience someone could go through. He is extremely immature, but not in the sense of being childish. When you're 15 you're still learning how to regulate your emotions, you don't have the tools an adult has. Post pit Jason is having to deal with all the trauma op describes without help and without the necessary tools to process.

I like this panel because Damian says it well: Jason is emotional. Anger is an emotion. And most times, anger is not the root emotion at all, just the surface manifestation. Mostly for men, who are taught that emotion is weakness with the exception of anger. Sadness, love, loneliness...those are liabilities but anger is useful. It pushes you through, especially if your purpose is as violent as Jason's.

If you take it at face value, yeah it's confusing. Anger is not rational. But also, most of the time the anger is barely hiding what's underneath. He isn't just angry at Bruce for killing the joker, he's also scared, confused, sad, lonely. He wants to be reassured by his father while at the same time trying to push him away because it's unfair that he saves everyone except for him.

Jason is a very interesting character because not even he knows what he's feeling. He can't process the shit he's been through and he doesn't even know how to express it. He's aggressive and violent and pushes people away.

It's not logical, but why do we want to sand his personality?? We are so uncomfortable with people expressing their trauma in any way that's not super pc and excusable. We want perfect victims because we, as a society, want to empathize with them without any icky feelings.

Basically, we want poor little mewmews that are a bit fucked up but in a very understandable and digestible way. I don't think most of the writers for Jason get this, they only hit the nail on the head on accident. They're either trying to write a villain or bending over backwards to justify his actions so he can be redeemed. But the best version of the character is one that acknowledges that he doesn't even know how to make sense of his emotions. You don't need a reason to explain why he is sometimes erratic or too angry: you have one already.

I'm not going to tell anyone how to write their fanfic, you're doing the lord's work even if it's not for me. But, you could (if you're interested) consider Jason's redemption/change in attitude not only in terms of "the Bats convince him to stop murdering/they accept him as he is" but of him needing to heal. To me, Jason needs to actually understand what he's actually feeling towards his family before he decides what he wants from their relationship.

sometimes i think jason’s anger gets too oversimplified as just anger and so rarely do i see it acknowledged that it is absolutely also grief, just not in the "standard" way

on top of that jason would’ve been mad at bruce no matter what he did. because grief is illogical in the things it makes us think and feel. i’ve loved pretty much every batfam fic i’ve ever read but sometimes i feel like we write jason as too easily swayed by being told about batman’s downward spiral after his death. because explain all you want, grief is stubborn and grief is not something you can just… convince away.

is this me being a fucking nerd about psychology and wanting to see more jason content that actually explores the fact that anger is only one component of his grief? maybe. none of your business go away im at a restaurant >:(

[takaraphoenix]

Question: What’s your take on “Lies My Parents Told Me?” Specifically, on everything that happens between Spike, Robin, Giles, and Buffy? Honestly I feel like Robin and Spike both had valid perspectives. Buffy was right, it wasn’t the time for vendettas, and Spike wasn’t the same person anymore who killed Nikki all those years ago. However, if I were Robin I would also have a very difficult time getting past someone killing my mother, even if they were a soulless monster back then and very much aren’t anymore, and even if that mother was the Slayer and knew what she was getting into. I don’t really agree with Giles’s behaviour on any front, however.

Oh, that is such a tough one.

I love Robin a lot, which does sound contradictory considering he would like to see my fave dead. But he? He is absolutely valid in wanting that. Because, as you said, yeah she was a Slayer, she knew what she signed up for and Spike was a vampire and basically killed the one who hunted him so it was a kill or be killed situation for the both of them, but Robin still lost his mom in the process.

I'm absolutely obsessed with Buffy in that episode because quite frankly, that was for me personally, the most obvious proof of her love for Spike. He'd have let Spike kill Robin. That's just. That's levels of unhinged and the way she delivers. This is a woman in love and it has never been broadcasted more obviously than in this episode and that's one of the things that makes this an episode that I love very, very much.

I also think it's an interesting insight into Spike. Because he does understand where Robin is coming from, but he also knows that he's not the same person he was when he killed Nikki. And, quite frankly, considering all the atrocities Angel has committed without a soul that were forgiven? I too would expect a bit more forgiveness from the Scoobies than Spike was getting - and I mean, on the overall, not Robin specific here. I think that Spike did understand why Robin was doing what he was doing, but also... Spike had worked too hard to be good to let himself be killed now, so for the second time he finds himself in a kill or be killed situation with a Wood, even if this one is different in many aspects.

Giles is... Giles is complicated. I love Giles deeply, I love how much he loves Buffy. And I usually love that he loves Buffy like a daughter. But at times - and this is one such time - that love for Buffy conflicts with the fact that he is her Watcher. I think that most problems in their dynamic and most bullshit that Giles pulls (like when he left the fucking country while Buffy was dealing with her trauma) root in this conflict of interests.

As her Watcher, he should train her and support her, but as her father figure he wants to shield her and protect her. That's why he left, because he mistook his being there as a supportive father figure for him being too fatherly invested and not Watcher enough - even though that was not the case; Buffy needed him then and he should not have left, but he misread his own actions in that case.

And as her Watcher, he ought to teach her to be independent, to be strong both physically and head-strong, but as her father, he patronizes her. This episode? This episode was him being patronizing.

He thought that she was biased about Spike due to her romantic feelings for him. While in reality, he was the one biased. I'd trace this one back to Angel; Angel was a souled vampire that Buffy loved and they let him in and then he lost his soul and killed the only woman Giles was ever shown to love. I think that festered a particular dislike for souled vampires and a distrust and the fact that Buffy falls for one again isn't helping. So when Robin comes to Giles, because he lost his mother, a woman he loved, to this vampire, I think that Giles is reminded of the whole Angel-Angelus-Jenny situation and that's why he is helping Robin, blinded by his own grief, instead of thinking logically about the asset that Spike definitely is in this fight against evil.

Because yes, Buffy is right, this isn't the time for revenge, this is the time of dwindling allies and needing to fight side by side. A prioritization that Giles had made once before, with Angel as an asset, and it had cost him Jenny, so he actually let his own personal feelings get in the way of making the more logical choice here.

But his fatherly nature lets him read the situation as Buffy being the naive child, the daughter rebelling and dating a bad boy. Yes, Buffy's personal feelings for Spike factor into her decision too, there is no denying that, but having Spike on the team was unquestionably an asset during this fight.

Sometimes, Giles just... doesn't see Buffy. He still sees that sixteen year old girl, pouting in the library while wearing a cheerleader outfit because she wants to have normal teenage girl fun. He doesn't see the leader and powerhouse that Buffy has become.

[fire-to-fire]

you know, i'm looking at my life and wondering how i went from never actually having an "active faith" if you will, to continually finding myself in a panic every few months thinking i've let myself become deceived the moment i decided that yeah, i wasn't religious. it's so ingrained bc indoctrination teaches you that you can't trust yourself, no matter how rational you are. in fact, it teaches you that being logical is bad bc humans are deceitful and innately bad. but again, it doesn't matter how much i *know* that and understand how indoctrination works. i'm just so tired of feeling like this is something that i'm going to live with forever.

I can definitely relate to this and I think most other ex-religious people would as well.

Leaving a religion, no matter how invested you were in it is a big deal. It’s perfectly natural to be anxious during such a transition, especially when you were indoctrinated into it and have those deeply ingrained thought processes as a result.

For me, I had a lot of trouble in the beginning with fear. Fear of “getting it wrong”, fear of hell, fear of the unknown. It was a very difficult process of unlearning not only mentally but emotionally as well. It wasn’t easy, it took time, and I did have days where I debated going back to it.

But it does get better! The more you learn to trust yourself and process through religious trauma (should you have any), the easier it is to let go of that self doubt and fear.

I don’t know if you want advice (or if it’ll be helpful) but I found it very helpful to take time to learn about myself outside of religion.

Ask yourself:

What are you needs? Why do you think what you think? What are your values? What are your fears and why? What environments don’t promote growth for you?

And see if you can answer them outside of any religious influence, meaning you can identity reasons that aren’t hinged on “because that’s what the Bible says” or something similar.

Once you know exactly who you are as a person, it is much easier to be secure in who you are and you’re choices.

[agirldying]

Thank you for your reply!

I don't think what I experience is dissociation per say because the numbness appears at specific times but I think I'm always overall aware of my own body/thoughts.

As for emotional amnesia I do relate to that. It made it really hard to get anything from therapy because I simply wasn't able to tell how awful I felt a couple of days prior our sessions.

I'll look into the self gaslighting a bit more but from what I've seen, the thing that might make me resonate with it is the fact that I always have the feeling that whatever happened to me is okay because it either wasn't really that bad or because I was just made to handle it. While my abuse was still ongoing as a child I did not show any sign that something was wrong. I was not carrying the burden around all the time, I just dealt with it when it happened and *almost * completely ignored it the next day. Even when I actually told my parents what was happening and a therapist asked to see me I just refused (and didn't see her as a consequence). I just wanted it to be done and now it was so why talk about it?

And I'm not sure how "healing" applies to me. What am I supposed to heal from? I'm not mentally ill. I'm not always dealing with pain either. Even things I do that are considered unhealthy aren't actively impairing me. I feel like trying to "heal" will just be a slap in the face that nothin was ever bad. By that I mean I might "try" and figure out that I really did not have to try hard at all, it would just be easy because I was never truly struggling with anything to begin with. I feel like when people talk about healing they're trying to escape from something (be it symptoms of mental illness or self destructive behavior), like (excuse the metaphor lol) trying really hard not to drown and actively struggling to stay afloat, while maybe all I have to do is simply not move and let myself float around. And maybe I should simply do that, but it feels wrong

Hey etoilause,

Dissociation can be momentary or take different forms other than a disconnect from your body or thoughts, but of course it's up to you how to describe your experiences.

The thing about enduring trauma is that often times we as survivors will act "normal" while we're actively being abused, because it's a survival mechanism. Sometimes our line of logic is that if we show we're distressed by what's happening, that could only get us in more trouble or escalate the situation. When we're in an abusive situation we do not give ourselves the time psychologically to actually process what's happening, which is why this tends to only begin once we get to a place that we can subconsciously register as safe. Instead of processing, we're focused on just surviving. I wonder if any of these things resonate with you.

But I also understand refusing therapy because you wanted to just be done with it. Even 6 months after I reached safety, I was already tired of rehashing the details in my mind. 8 years later I'm still battling it. I think sometimes we believe it's more efficient (like with avoiding escalation) to just carry on as normal and try to live as if nothing happened. But when you have trauma, that's not really possible, at least without professional help.

About the use of the word healing, I do hear what could be that internalized gaslighting, in feeling like healing almost invalidates what you've been through. I will just say that you don't have to be mentally ill to heal (and mental illnesses tend to be more... chronic? i.e you can manage it but it will likely be there indefinitely, though the same goes for trauma), and that you don't have to be always in pain to heal either. Even if you got a paper cut you can heal, you know? But that's not to minimize your experiences. Suffice to say, your pain doesn't have to be constant or debilitating to need or deserve healing.

And tied into the healing and internalized gaslighting thing is perhaps that idea that healing is to escape something. On one hand, yes absolutely, and rightfully so. But on the other hand, I think there's a certain implication attached to the word escape or even escapism, because it insinuates that it's bad to escape (not necessarily trying to say you intended for this implication, just bear with me lol). And that's maybe where I see that internalized gaslighting coming back in, because it's almost like (correct me if wrong) you think, on some level, that it's worse to heal and better to stay in the pain, however severe that is.

I hope I could help, and feel free to reply.

[bunchofstraydogs]

Dazai Osamu character breakdown as I understand him

Meaning that this might be inaccurate and your opinion and visage of him might differ from mine, which is just fine. We perceive the world and the people around us through our experiences and expectations. I'm curious to know how you guys see a complex character like Dazai, just please respect everyone's opinions.

Warning: Manga plot mentions, s2 spoilers, BEAST light novel spoilers, Dazai Osamu

Dazai Osamu was introduced into the scene of Bungou Stray Dogs at 14 when Mori found him.

Even at that young age, Dazai had suicidal tendencies and had been wrapped in bandages similarly as he is in the present. Already dealing with too much trauma for a child his age, the fire is fuelled as he was forced to bear witness to the death of the Port Mafia boss at the hands of Mori, the person that took him under his wing. To use him; which was becoming very apparent to Osamu if he hadn't been aware since the start. Now, I'm not saying that death of the previous boss left a particular scar on Samu, he even agrees with it and is something he himself would have done. But that that is the scene that bore fruit of the following quotes:

"Or could it be that you're afraid, Mori-san? That one day i will slit your throat and take over as the boss?"

followed by

"Everyone seems suspicious to those who have an axe to grind."

This tells us right away that he can tell what type of person you are just from the way you perceive your surroundings, which is logical, but not something many think too deep into.

Even less who have their evaluations of others on point like he does. And he has to, since Dazai's plan is always to understand his allies, his enemies, possible allies and possible enemies. He also takes into account important neutral parties that can still, in one way or another, affect the outcome of his plans or decide to align with one side out of common interest. After comes realising the main goals, along with side achievements (just in case some of those maim his allies or ruin the future plans he made) of every party. Taking in their morals and motivation, and being familiar with the ground the confrontation will happen on, he now has the view of the whole chess board and it's pieces in his head. He moves his allies in the right places, knowing how they'll react in the situation to come, and awaits the enemies with open fire arms. He was tought to think like that. At all times. Mori made sure of it. You know how specialists never really stop thinking in their areas of expertise, like doctors, for example, will naturally notice people's posture and look for scoliosis or whatever? How your foot hits the floor, if you're walking straight, your knees and shoulders, etc. Same for Dazai. His brain maps out person's expressions, reactions, choices, personality, etc. in great detail. I'm pretty sure he has eidetic memory, if his conversations in manga with Fyodor are anything to go by.

Another thing his brain does is think of worst possible outcomes.

Not in a fear of what if things go wrong, but as a possible route. He uses it to determine how big of a threat the opposing force is and what steps they'll have to take to achieve that. Knowing that, he'll know how to intercept them. Also, like everything else, it's not something he can control since we're talking about thought process here and that's just how his brain works. Can't magically turn that off. It's especially annoying to him when he's genuinely enjoying himself with, let's say, ADA members and then his brain goes brrr.

•"A lot happened recently and we're a torn in many people's eyes." *Tanizaki and Atsushi drinking punch* "There's a possibility, while a small one, about 8% at this very moment, but as time goes on will increase, that an organisation outside of Yokohama decided we're an unavoidable threat and poisoned the drinks. Don't drink that. Nothing will happen, they'll wake up tomorrow in pristine condition don't drink th-"

Yeah, i feel bad for him too.

He has PTSD and insomnia, besides the hectic brain,

so he's not getting proper amount of rest. Actually, he drinks almost every night by himself at home. Pretty sure it's canon as well, because if you search for a picture of him in his room, you'll see him surrounded by multiple bottles. Two of the PTSD symptoms are hallucinations and night terrors (no, that is not the same as a nightmare). What people usually do is use opium to cause hallucinations in a safe environment so that there's little chance of them happening uncontrolled. He's probably using alcohol to numb himself while he's reminiscing, since if he does still have hallucinations after years having passed by (which isn't impossible), they're probably few and far between. Not saying there's no chance he isn't using opium. He would know where to get what he needs, after all.

Osamu's haunted by his own actions as well, not just by trauma caused to him.

At an uncountable amount of occasions, he found himself looking into a mirror and not really comprehending his image. It was like dissociation. Looking through a fog at what's supposed to be your carbon copy, but not knowing all of your features perfectly, so whatever you're seeing could only be an impostor, yet you're not sure because that would take comprehending physical proof of your life to the fullest and how it works and he just... can't. He can but he doesn't want to. He already knows he's despicable and broken, doesn't really feel the need to see just how much. He can't, for all his perfect memory, remember the faces of the people he has killed. He hadn't even seen all of them, but he was responsible for their demise. Causing havoc and misfortune in general through other crimes besides murder as well. We've seen his expression when he listened in on Atsushi talking to Kyouka over the earpiece how the 35 deaths don't matter anymore. He knows they do and he knows that the change of heart won't justify what he's they've done. Ango thought him to value each life. But he also knows that even murderers can change and become good. Oda did that. It's also what's keeping him in the agency.

When Oda died, his last words mentioned that Dazai doesn't care about good or bad and that was correct for Dazai Osamu back then. I genuinely think that his present self does mind the difference.

He believes in necessary evil and will do dark shit to get the good outcome he's envisioned.

He doesn't separate outlaws and lawful people, however.

He knows that generally speaking, the line is thin and easy to cross and that many were born or forced into the situations they are. Those that fight the life thrown at them are an exception, not a rule. That's also why he likes Atsushi, probably the main reason. The boy has every right to hate the world and yet. Dazai is envious, he doesn't really have the same capacity.

I want now to talk about why does Dazai Osamu do what Dazai Osamu does.

The reason he attempts suicide, joined the mafia, made friends at all, is because for all his intelligence and observations, ability to understand others, he doesn't really understand himself.

He doesn't understand his worth. He doesn't understand his purpose. In all of that confusion, he finds no reason to live. He laughs but can't get the high, he bruises but can't fully heal. In all of the things people find happiness in he can't feel joy from. He is emotionally stunted. He thinks too logically. He doesn't understand actions out of emotions because to him, it doesn't make sense. Emotions cloud your mind and when you're not thinking straight, you make mistakes. Plain and simple. He just accepts it, that most people simply cannot control themselves and prefer lashing out instead of methodical approach. All the better for him, he has leverage. Even when he does act on impulse, which is incredibly rare and not as explosive and dramatic, his brain rationalises it as to why his actions were a good way to go. And if his reaction was one that bore fruit, than it was a tactical one.

"If you place yourself somewhere close to raw emotions, where you're exposed to raw violence and death, instinct and desire, you can brush against man's true nature. I though that way i could find a reason to live somehow."

From this, i can tell that he was hoping that, in a situation where he's pushed far enough, he'd realise what's important to him, what he wants to protect or destroy, what's one thing he wouldn't want to leave unsettled before dying. What is that one thing he'd regret dying before achieving? What should he fight death for. What is worth living on for? To him, it doesn't matter if that something is good or evil as long as he gets to keep it in his life.

It seems he hadn't found it exactly, but is satisfied with what he has for now, in the agency, to just keep going. But he still tries to commit suicide, hoping that one day, when the clear picture of the world around him is fading away, when he's becoming light headed from the lack of oxygen, when he's loosing control over his body and thoughts don't seem to flow well, there will be one thing, anyone, screaming at him to fight it. New day new chances. It didn't happen today, better luck tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow and tomo-.

Now, like Mori, Dazai feels the need to, at all times, be in control of the situation. Including people.

That means no one, but perhaps Ranpo due to his own abnormal intellect, is aware of their own role. They know their mission, but they're not expecting to be given that particular one because they'll come across an obstacle they would react to in a way that would satisfy Osamu's plans.

Dazai Osamu is more of a chemist, than a chess player, if you ask me.

Throwing different people into the mix, under different conditions at different times and is noting down their reactions in safe surrounding if possible, so that when the time calls for it, he'll be able to make a perfect concoction for the predicament. A chemist and his substances; A chess player and his pawns; A puppeteer and his puppets. Now, Dazai is meticulous and never rash, but like everyone else (except effin Lovecraft what is he even) he's only human and he bleeds when he falls down and humans aren't perfect. He isn't always right. That means he makes mistakes. The issue with big shot players that control the board is that, when they fall down, everyone on their side crashes and burns as well. So the day Dazai fucks up everyone else will follow because of lack of insight on their part that's completely out of their control. All it takes is for him to underestimate or overestimate one person and chaos ensues. There is no such thing as happy little accidents small mistakes for someone like him. I have crippling anxiety and a sole thought that one hiccup could blow up in everyone's face... damn. I would try committing suicide myself. But it's his fault, he brought upon himself an obligation and pressure like that. To be fair, it was Mori that drilled that type of thinking where no one should know what you plan because they can't ruin what they don't know If they turn against you, they can't stop you.

For his own sake, and everyone else's, Dazai needs to learn how to show his cards and share the burden.

Again, going back to the emotionally stunted guy that has commitment issues (where he either can't commit or can't let go) trope.

He never outright does something good for someone where people would acknowledge it, he uses his underhanded tactics here as well.

He casually makes himself look like a bad guy, an asshole, to conveniently move attention from the inner turmoil a person is struggling with to a present problem at hand that they can fix and let their frustrations out on. But he hopes that, one day, someone just might notice his intentions for what they are and do the unspeakable- see through him.

"I'm a very private person. You don't ask, i don't tell."

Yes, and your whole existence is just a huge cry for help. He wants to be asked. He's begging for attention. A specific type of attention. One that will see him without making him feel imposed on. One that will understand his sins without making a big deal out of it. Accept him as a person he is, makes him feel like one as well. Makes him feel alive. Makes him feel... period.

The day he finds that thing is the day he completely turns his life around and fully dedicates to it. It's where the part of not being able to let go commitment issue ensues.

Since Oda's death he's been secretly keeping an eye out on possible ways to bring him back. If you've read Beast AU you know that when Dazai gets his hands on the book, he'll create a universe where Oda doesn't die. Should he find an ability user that can bring back the dead, just tell him what it will take, he's ready to destroy his own soul for it and if that isn't enough, well, he'll have no hesitation ruining theirs. After all, BEAST!Dazai Osamu never actually met Odasaku, he just had the memories he'd gotten from his canon self and that was enough for him to do everything he did.

He's incredibly selfish and has a weird come in but the door is a wall dynamic he rolls with in his self imposed solitude.

It's like the walls of the space in my brain are ugly and terrifying, so i closed off the entrance to keep myself in. I'm doing you a favour but please break the wall down and tell me it's okay to come out i don't want to be here-

Happy little thoughts woah woah yeah~

That's what i got from what I've seen of him. I may have missed some things, some things might prove to be wrong as the series progress further, but yeah.

There is, however, one more thing i want to put out here. Since Dazai was already like this before Mori found him, that begs to question as to why? What happened to him?

Now, since the characters are based on real people, is it crazy to say that Dazai Osamu has had a horrible childhood because of his father? Real life Dazai was terrified of his dad and was very intimidated by him. He always tried to stay in his good graces out of fear of punishment. Neither of his parents felt like a parent to him, actually. His father didn't care and his mother was often ill, but did care for him when she could. Both of them died eventually.

This could be the plot Kafka based Dazai's background on, but we'll have to wait and see.

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

Hey! I always seem to end up in blog when researching MBTI and I thought finally I'd ask for help. I've been wanting to figure out my actual MBTI type for years. I've done the tests, asked on forums, learned the functions aaand bam - every time it just doesn't quite fit. I hope you'd be able to give me some tips. [1] (I'm so sorry these are in parts, it's only letting me do a block at a time)

I feel that my personality has changed from being an overachiever (an ExTJ) who didn’t care about stepping on people to survive to being an Ixxx and having an EXTREMELY strong moral compass which is almost the basis of the things that I do. I see almost all actions as right or wrong and feel that it is my duty to do the right thing even when others don't. It’s not coming from within me but I really want to be a better person and my mind has developed these morals. Linking to that, I have always had plans spanning 30 years to the future and have always had an extremely strong need to go into a medical career. [2] I pick my battles, ie. when people talk bad about me I don't care or take it personally unless it is not logical which is when I really get pissed off. Logic is equally at the top of why I do things. If a system isn’t working, I try something else. Everything has a system, an order. And I love analysing things and particularly behaviour. When people talk about opinions, I want to know about their thought process ie. if they think I’m organised I want to know examples & how did they get to that point. I’ve also been told I turn casual conversations into debates on hypothetical situations. [3]Now the tricky part… I like to keep things to myself, ie. I speak another language but haven’t told a soul. When I was younger my parents used to pressure me to take another language. I told them I never would even when that disappointed them and they started being verbally abusive. So, I needed to feel at peace with myself first and I wanted it to be MY decision. I don't want to live a life others want for me, I don’t like having influences in my decisions. If someone tells me to do something, I probably would not do it t all just to make the point. But still when I am a bit blunt when I get fed up or when I joke, I try to maintain overall peoples harmony first even when I get exhausted when I initiate conversations with extreme introverts. I feel the need to be switching subjects and that I need to carry their feelings and not get my own real word in as to not hurt them. [4]I'm not that warm and welcoming to new people unless I'm the new person. I want to know my "position" is safe and before I think about becoming friends with them I take time to figure out what type of person they truly are by listening to them and seeing if their actions hold (ie. do they go talk behind someones back, do they repeat the same jokes to everyone). I have no problem cutting people off suddenly and completely. But then I feel strong pull towards few random people that fascinate me, they then can do no wrong in my eyes, they become characters of my internal world where I’ve lived 50 lives and scenarios and where I go to relax and feel finally content and at peace. [5]It's hard for me to understand feelings I haven't experienced myself, have grown out of or don't see as big deals. Say when I got into an accident I was fine and calm - didn't even tell my friends/family. When my friend experienced the same they immediately called their family and were very emotional. I thought they were being dramatic and that there were bigger issues, it isn’t like they died (= logic again here). I don't express my emotions and don't feel them either, at all. I don't really feel others emotions at all either. I'm calm in stress, been told I have an ear for working in trauma situations. I notice patterns. In games, in behaviour. I can predict what happens based on that. I only feel at ease when I'm able to read people and predict their behaviour and thinking as I know their intentions then. [7] (again, SO sorry these were in parts!!)

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I'm fairly confident you have high Ni, and my guess is if you were considering ExTJ prior, ENTJ still fits this, and you've just developed as you've gotten older to not being quite as much of a steamroller. If your personal situation has gotten more stable as you've grown that would also be a huge non-MBTI factor in that sort of development. The logic you express here does seem to be Te with high Ni leading into the hypotheticals, rather than high Ti, and there's a lot here that really points away from Ti-Fe/towards Te-dom: difficulty understanding certain points of view but being aware of it; good in crisis situations; fiercely independent and wanting your decisions to be your own. I think you're an ENTJ who has matured a bit, and I also think you're not an 8 so the particularly forceful ENTJ archetypes might sound off to you. I'd look at 1 or 3 cores in enneagram; 1 fits the moral compass and 3 fits some of what you've said here regarding interactions with other people.

[mushroomminded]

I'm coming at this from the perspective of someone who likes Tegan a lot as a character and thinks she's hilarious, but the grief she gets for Being Her™️ is multifaceted;

1) The protagonists, from her introduction, have reacted to her with disdain and annoyance; so there's this unintended, but implicit idea of "if the protags don't like her, then I shouldn't probably" that some people take away from that (and it's not an 'intelligence' thing or a 'failure or reading comprehension', before anyone gets that idea; people just react to narrative emotionally and logically in different ways).

2) In the interaction wherein she made Milo cry, she showed no real regret over it and even chided Cody for valuing "protecting his feelings over being honest". She was not intending to be mean for the sake of being mean, and the narrative makes that obvious, showing she values honesty and truth very deeply- something that's reinforced again in the current chapter- but of course, the truth sometimes hurts, or can be unrelentingly blunt and to the point. As a result, people have that emotional reaction of "wow, you didn't have to be such a dick".

3) Whilst I don't think it can be boiled down to just "she's abrasive and she's a girl, girls aren't supposed to be abrasive, that's weird, ew icky", there is likely an element of that in there; that she's not docile, or "Nice", or demure, or whatever typically "feminine" traits you want to throw out threatens some people on a personal level (nevermind the absurdity of feeling threatened by a completely fictional character who is also barely a teenager, mind you), and crucially, it's not just male readers.

4) That she also has no shame about who she is and how she presents herself threatens some people, and I don't just mean the "she's brutally honest" thing. The fact that she is openly, excitably enthusiastic about her writing- her fanfic (a concept that makes some people go "ugh" inherently)- as well as for the current investigation triggers that kind of "WHY ISN'T SHE EMBARRESSED??? I'D BE EMBARRASSED!!! SHE SHOULD BE EMBARRASSED!!!" mindset.

5) As I myself have said countless times- and this is something that also applies to Milo and Cody as well- kids/teenagers are still developing their sense of empathy. "Kids Are Cruel", as a concept, isn't suggesting that anyone under 18 is predisposed to evil; it's highlighting that mist kids and teens don't have the life experience to fully grasp how much emotional damage they can incur. It's not a matter of critical intelligence at all, and it's not a failure of emotional intelligence; it's a natural, completely understandable *lack* of emotional intelligence. Tegan, Milo, Cody- they're barely teenagers for christ sake, they're still developing their senses of empathy and are all at different points in development.

6) Tegan doesn't have the "excuse" of trauma shaping her behaviour, so far as we know currently; she's adopted, yes, but she's in a happy and healthy home and isn't openly displaying any angst about the fact. So her moments of being a "bad egg" can't be justified because she's "damaged" or hurting the same way, for example, Milo can be- nevermind that this is all inferred, because the narrative hasn't definitely said Tegan doesn't carry weight with her in some aspect, but if it's not said, it's not there until it is in some folks' minds.

As mentioned, Milo does get some grief for being "a brat" from some people- and lets not mince words, he can be a bit of a brat sometimes (cos, y'know, again, he's a young teenager who lost his birth father and has family baggage as a result; even before the supernatural stuff factoring in, that's heavy for someone his age to deal with and process)- but he has "reasons", he has "excuses" for his behaviour. Tegan doesn't, so far as these people are concerned, so she's just a rotten egg. It is, to put it mildly, very silly.

BIG OL' DISCLAIMER: I'M NOT SAYING PEOPLE CAN'T DISLIKE A CHARACTER AND IF Y'AIN'T A BIG FAN OF TEGAN IT'S WHATEVER, YOU DO YOU, BUT THE SHEER AMOUNT OF UNFAIR AND LOPSIDED GRIEF SHE GETS FROM A LOT OF READERS IS STAGGERING AND IT'S INTERESTING TO LOOK AT AND EXTRAPOLATE WHY THAT IS

BUT WHY DOESNT JAKE GET-

ah yes of course