#i want him to have a self discovery journey and for it to be ugly to have ups and downs to be difficult and hard

[almostheav4n]

Tomorrow Never Came: Chapter 1

masterlist | ao3

pairing: joel miller x f!reader rating: 18+ warnings: unspecified age gap, hints at past SA, no break-out, no y/n, no reader description, discussion of past trauma, reader develops a reliance on him, hints at a ddlg relationship in terms of a caregiver x little relationship (reader is of legal age), joel is a vietnam war vet with a very tough exterior so it takes a bit to get it moving but it does by chapter 2! <3 word count: 5,495 summary: set in Texas in the 1980s, Joel picks you up on the side of the road when headed west, you embark upon a journey of self-discovery with the help of a seasoned man

“Do you wanna see the west with me? Cause loves out there & I can’t leave it be.”

The cold beer bottle contrasts your harsh, warm, two-handed grip on it as your feet sway from the bar stool sat at. Your cross-country adventure had landed you here, in west Texas, penniless & destitute, nothing but the jacket on your shoulders and the pistol in your pocket. 

You had traveled from west to east in an attempt to meet your father who you later found out wanted nothing to do with you. Having had saved up for years to make the trip, not accounting for how expensive shit was, landed you in the middle of nowhere Texas, trying to make your way back to your home in California. Truth be told, you set your hopes high that maybe your father had just desired to leave your mom and not you but you learned very quickly that wasn’t the case. 

Now you sit, in a dusty dive bar, men circling like vultures as you try hard to ignore their glances and as one next to you, leans into mumble something you can’t make out. Instead you focus on the sounds if Bob Dylans ‘knockin on heaven door’ that plays loudly from the busted jukebox. 

“Wanna dance?” You slur a bit, not necessarily because of the alcohol, but maybe an attempt to match the demeanor of the man next to you, who bought you the beer. He isn’t ugly, he isn’t pretty. He is drunk though, maybe drunk enough that you can slip some bills from his wallet. 

He’s eager you realize as his hand lands on the small of your back, tripping a bit over his feet to make his way to the dusty center, the wood creaking beneath your feet as you place your hands to his chest, slightly propping him up, the bourbon on his breath quite rich. 

Your eyes scan the room to find men and women watching, finding it a bit silly. Being from California, quite used to others dancing like no ones watching. Finding that in Texas, people are always watchers rather than dancers. 

A watcher catches your eyes, his grayish-green eyes narrowed towards you as he brings a glass to his lips, his face mostly shadowed by a brown cowboy hat as he leans against a pillar. 

You can’t help but be a little taken aback, his aura fogging up the space around him like a puff of smoke, as he tilts his head down, focusing on the drink in his hand, scuffing up his boot on the ground before turning his attention back to you. Swiping his tongue against his bottom lip as he adjusts himself, thumbing his belt loop. 

It fills your belly, the admiration, bubbling up into your throat as you smile, a little quirk of the lips as you stare at him, stupidly and obviously. 

He returns the stare. Not smiling back, but the stern gaze worn on his brows replaced by a softer one, more relaxed. 

You're pulled back into reality as the man’s hand slips below your back onto your behind as you sway to the music, causing you to break apart. Whispering nonsense into his ear comprising of ‘if he wants to get out of here’, knowing he’s drunk enough and will most likely barely make it to his car. 

You’re correct as he piles into his truck and falls asleep halfway out of the lot, allowing you to maneuver the vehicle to the side, eventually slipping into his pockets to pull out his wallet and the forty-three dollars.

Ditching him there, you head for a motel and pay them the $30 fee for one night, giving you enough time to bathe and wash your clothes in the bathtub before eating half of a candy bar and heading to bed. 

The nearest grocery store is a bit of a long haul as you walk a few miles until you head into the small mart. Its the size of a shoe box with people littered up and down the aisles as you make your way to the hygiene aisle, slipping a packaged bar of soap into your deep pockets along with tampons. Wandering onto other aisles, sifting through the snacks before landing on a few breakfast bars, deciding to slide one up your sleeve. Your eyes peeking to the side to find that you’re being watched by a familiar set of eyes. 

You slip up the bar into your sleeve before turning to the man you had seen yesterday, his brow raised curiously, having seen your little trick. 

He strikes you once again in a different light… his worn jeans, scuffed boots, his flanneled shirt, the sleeves rolled up exposing his tanned arms, thick veins roped within them leading to his hands, the one specifically carrying a cart with his own personal items. His dark beard ruffles as he bites on his inner cheek, studying you it seems, his eyes roaming around the aisle and then back to you. The same hat worn yesterday, sturdy on his head. 

You hum a bit, leaning back on your heels, not sure whether he means to turn you in or something else. You simply bring your finger to your lips to create a ‘shush’ sound in hopes he will keep your secret before heading for the exit, stopping to pick up a coke, tossing a quarter to the cashier, and promptly exiting. 

Finding a nearby patch of grass, you pass your time by watching the cars and drinking your Coke until it’s empty. You figure now might be the time to make your way from Texas, heading for the busiest road and sticking your thumb out as you follow along the white line on a dirt path. 

Five cars pass before a blue Ford pickup truck pulls up, the gleaming shine causing you to cover your eyes as they adjust, hearing the driver's door open & close. 

You instinctively take a step back, watching a familiar hat make its way from around the truck as you can’t help but break out into a smile. 

“Third times the charm huh?” You laugh a bit watching him remove a hat, letting it fall to the side in his hand as he runs his other hand through his hair. 

“Uh-huh,” He grunts, leaning against the side of the truck, observing you just as he did in the store and in the bar.

“You a cop?” You question, brows scrunching up to match his hardened gaze. The question makes him laugh, a short release of breath before composing himself. 

“Ain’t a cop darlin’…” He mutters, eyes going to your tattered shoes, biting on the inside of his cheek once more, followed by a clicking sound of the mouth.

“Who are ya then?” you place your hands on your hips, attempting to assert any dominance you have, feeling picked apart by his gaze. 

“Didn’t your mama tell you not to talk to strangers?” He inches closer, calculated, stopping far enough from you to bring you ease, his noticeable large size gaining your attention. 

“Tell me your name and you won’t be a stranger… this being our third meeting I find myself quite familiar with you…” You don’t know why your voice catches in your throat as you speak, but you clear it quickly.  

Maybe because he was unlike the men you came across during your journey. Quite honestly, the men you came across reminded you of the boys in high school. Unsure, dull, weak. A boy in the shell of a “man”. 

He wasn’t a boy in the body of a man, just a full man, through & through. 

“Joel.” He offers, his head pointed towards the ground, focused on a trail of ants, then back to you. It’s difficult to hold his gaze without blushing. “Where ya headed?”

“West… California.” You admit, watching as he nods, eyes searching the sky now, observing as he always seems to do. 

“What’s there for you in California?” He questions, eyes coming back to you as you feel your words stuck in your throat, his stare enough to cause your knees to buckle and weaken. It’s a hard gaze, one you hadn’t noticed as clearly beneath the shadow of his cowboy hat.  

“My mama…” you mutter, words coming out hushed, embarrassed, deciding to focus your own attention on the ants, you stupidly feel naked when he looks at you just bare and open.  

You don’t hear him head for the door, only hear the door opening, your eyes shooting up to Joel as he looks at you, bewildered as if you should know what to do, patiently waiting as your eyes swipe back from him to the truck and back to him. 

“Whatre you waitin on? Get in.” He speaks lowly as you attempt not to feel stupid, the blood rushing to your cheeks with a quickness as you bite your lip back.

“Not gonna kill me right?” You ask, stuffing your hands in your pockets watching as he lets out his same light laugh, just a puff of air. 

“I ain’t planning on it, sweetheart.” He bites on his bottom lip, the thick hair on his beard twitching as he waits. 

You hesitantly approach the vehicle, calculated steps leading you around where he stands by the door, sliding into the truck, the leather seating new indicating a certain amount of wealth that puzzles you. 

To be honest, the men who usually attempted to pick you up were composed of overly excited older men with fast food wrappers & cigarette buds piled up in the passenger's seat and the smell of beer wafting from the vehicle. 

It was rare you ever accepted rides from men, usually finding a chick who could take you a few hours down before dropping you off. 

His truck however seemed almost brand new, and clean, even the trash within it, was still kept nicer than most people who offered you a ride. 

The door shuts beside you with a click as he soon piles in, turning the ignition with ease and one hand steering the vehicle back onto the road with one smooth motion. 

It’s a routine, you think as you watch his legs spread apart along the seat, his free hand fumbling with the volume of the radio as he finds a station playing old country which seems to satisfy him as he relaxes into a manspreaded position. 

The motor and the hum of the songs is all you hear about an hour in as you realize he’s quite quiet. Which is rare. 

He hadn’t pestered you about your past, stared longingly at your exposed legs in the summer heat, or even tried to touch you. 

The few times you had gotten rides for men when you were younger and rather dumb, they had talked your ear off about something irrelevant, asked too many questions, or taken the first opportunity to lean over and try to fuck you right in the seat. 

He is quiet. Joel's quiet… hard set gaze focused on the road, the only constant motion being the rise and fall of his chest & occasional repositioning of the wheel.  

He pays you no mind. You would like to assume he’s gay but you don’t think so 100%

“You pick up strays often?” You break the silence, used to being the quiet one. 

He doesn’t answer immediately, only readjusts himself in the seat. You wonder if he is maybe a serial killer. 

The dirt under your fingernails seems interesting all of a sudden as you focus your attention on cleaning them, the awkward energy looming within the truck, 

“Strays…” He responds, finally, rubbing his hand over his beard before scratching at it with a deep sigh. 

“Don’t usually pick up hitch-hikers if’s what you’re askin’” He grumbles lowly, his Texan accent deep and thick. 

You think for a beat, wondering if his natural nature is stoicism and a cold front or if he’s already annoyed by his pestering passenger. 

“Why’d you pick me up then?” You question turning your head towards him, attempting to read him more. 

God, it takes him forever to respond. You aren’t sure if he’s thinking about the question or just in no hurry whatsoever, but it fills you with anxiety and anticipation. 

“Well…  when you stole from Earl, he sorta went around lookin' for you… Then when I saw you stealin' from that shop, I assumed it’d be best to get you to where you need’ta go so trouble doesn’t find you no more.” He admits shooting you a quick look, a quick raise of the brow in a disciplinary way, he means to scold you, you think.  

“Earl?”

“That man you went home with from that bar…”

“Oh… ha! earl,” you snort a bit remembering him. When you stole, you made sure to never stick around for that reason exactly. 

“Well, my thoughts on the matter are men take advantage of drunk women every day, I’m just leveling the playing field.” You respond in a sassy manner, crossing your ankles to sit up straighter, asserting yourself.  

“I ain’t judgin, I just didn’t want to see him comin’ down to find you.. he’s a drunk & a mean one,” He mentions cracking the window, the summer breeze picking up the strands of his dark brown hair & some gray.  

“You know a lot about this, ‘Earl’ ?” You roll down your window then, the wind blowing over your face a familiar and refreshing feeling, picking up your own hair as it tossles over your face. 

“Knew Earl all my life, worked for me…” He grunts, clearing his throat. 

“You hire drunks?” You giggle, feeling like you caught him, disappointed he doesn’t return the laugh as he only shrugs. 

“Like I said… I don’t judge, ‘f the work is done, it's done.” He switches his blinker on before pulling into a lot filled with shops, your eyebrows scrunching as you eye him. Bathroom break maybe. 

“Bout time to eat and get you some new shoes…” He gestures down to your feet as he parks, slightly far from other cars, maneuvering into the spot with ease as the truck comes to a jolt. 

You giggle dumbfoundedly, tickled by the thought that he thinks you walk around in tattered shoes because you choose to. “Joel… I don't have any money.” 

The sound of his door closing acts as a response as it barely grants you a moment to think until your side door is pulled open. “I am well aware of that, cmon now.” 

He’s confusing, his coldness, and lack of conversation, followed by an offering to purchase new shoes. You feel the need to make it clear to him you aren’t a prostitute. 

“I’m not a hooker,” Your nose naturally scrunches in confusion, ready to bolt if he accuses you of wasting his time or something worse. 

He laughs, a true laugh, his shoulders rising and falling as he tips his head down in a chuckle, the top of his cowboy hat revealed to you. 

“I know darling, now don’t rush on my account,” he teases, still propped up against the door, waiting for you, patiently. 

You bite your lip back to distract from your red cheeks. He’s quick to reach his hand out to help you down from the truck as you take it, calloused and warm. 

You don’t desire to let go, trying to remember the feel as he breaks away once you find your footing. 

His long strides are difficult to keep up with you find, his head moving from left to right then left again, surveying the lot for oncoming traffic or anything else that might come at you sideways in a lot, always on alert it seems as he leads you towards a store reading ‘PAYLESS’. 

The door opens with a jingle as he holds it open for you before leading you down the multiple aisles, past the men's section into the womens. 

You collide with his muscled back as he stops abruptly, your eyes narrowing as you back up slightly. 

It takes a few seconds to realize he is waiting for you. Looking down at you, your eyes connecting up to him as blood familiarly rushes into your cheeks, standing closer to him than you ever have been honestly, allowing you to smell his cedarwood aftershave, makes you wanna purr. 

“Well, you have to go select the shoes now don’t you?” He chuckles as he always does, fast and dry but warm as you look down the aisles, scrunching up your nose in confusion. 

“Where you will be?” It’s stupid to already feel a sort of attachment to him, curious about his well-being more for the safety of your own. 

“I’ll be parked right here,” He gestures to a nearby bench seated across a young child screaming and crying as a mother forces on their shoes. 

You only nod back, not trusting your mouth to form appropriate words as he gives you a nice playful push with his elbow passing behind you, gesturing for you to go on. 

He does just what he said he would and you find yourself slivering between row after row of shoes, eventually finding a nice comfortable shoe that doesn’t cost too much, moving to show Joel before being gobsmacked by a pair of leather western boots. 

You decide to pick both, coming to the conclusion that Joel can decide as you walk towards him with one shoe on each foot.

“Okay, okay, ya gotta choose alright?” You position yourself in front of him, finally getting the chance to be above him, feeling a sort of strength and confidence because of it.

His head rises from where it was slouched on his chest, his hat covering most of it until he takes it off with a puzzled look on his face, probably having just napped you think. 

“I gotta choose huh?” He questions slowly in a drawl, snorting a bit as he rubs his nose. 

“Mhm!” You nod turning to the back of the aisle before walking down the carpet as if it’s a catwalk, giving him a little twirl at the end watching as his brows raise in curiosity. 

He responds with a slow clap as you curtsey to finish it off, eyebrows high as they screw together. 

“Well, aren’t you just the bee's knees…” He smirks a bit turning his head to the side, biting the inside of his cheek in long thought as you rock back and forth on your feet in the silence.

“I say get 'em��� both.” He shrugs. 

“Joel…” you pout placing your hands on your hips, “You’re supposed to choose the best one.”

“Go’n and get both, s’ my choice, like you said… toss that pair on your feet and wear one out of the store. Those shoes have seen better days…” He gestures to worn ones nearby with his foot before sucking his bottom lip in, biting down as you scrunch up your face once again, confused by his generosity. 

You open your mouth to speak until you hear his name called, a gentleman his age heading over with a big smile on his face as Joel gets up to greet him shocked it seems by seeing the man. Before he dives into conversation about some time in Arkansas they shared. 

He seems to forget your presence until he fishes in his pocket before turning to you. 

“Check out baby, I’ll be there soon,” He mumbles, handing you his wallet before turning back to converse with the man about god knows what. 

Baby… 

It sits on your tongue as you repeat the word… baby. 

Once you pack up the western boots & toss your ratty pair, curiosity gets the best of you look through his wallet to find a hefty amount of cash along with a few cards, his ID reading ‘JOEL MILLER’. 

You ponder why he trusted you with it, you could bolt, to be quite honest, live off for months with the amount of cash stored. 

You don’t, finding zero need to. 

Eventually, you realize it could be because he trusts you since he’s the furthest from careless. 

It’s a funny feeling, trust, as you make your way to the checkout stand. A boy maybe a bit older than you reading a magazine as you have to muster up a ‘hello’ to gain his attention. 

“Fuh- Sorry, shi-, I mean, sorry I ain’t see you or nothin’” he nervously rambles taking the boxes, one empty but still necessary to scan.  

“Wasn’t ignorin’ you…” He adds as you smile a bit, attempting to ease his nerves. 

You are reminded of how you are able to make boys nervous, having been able to do so since grade school, and not necessarily because you were some Hollywood star, you simply carried yourself with a certain amount of confidence that had boys sputtering and timid. 

It’s refreshing you find after figuring you don't seem to do that to Joel. 

He is never nervous around you, quite the opposite as you feel as if butterflies are swimming in your belly every time he looks at you.  

The boy with a nametag reading, Ted, begins to bag as you slide the total amount on the counter from Joel’s wallet, your pinky hitting a jar of candy on the counter. 

“These free?” You question eyeing a red lollipop. 

“No, um, you can have it, it’s 25 cents, goes to helping out a kid in need,” He fumbles giving you your change as his sweaty hand releases it into yours. 

You return a quarter and fish out your lollipop, discarding the wrapper into your pocket before plucking it into your mouth. 

It isn’t difficult to notice the boys attention on your mouth as your lips wrap around the sucker as you turn your head a bit, sorta wishing it was this easy with Joel. It makes you smile a bit, the idea of getting this reaction from him but the boy thinks it's for him as he smiles back. 

You make sure to wear a look of disgust to dissuade him from thinking it’s for him, lost in your own fantasies as you stick the lollipop far into your cheek. 

“You uh- need help carrying this back, maybe I can help you carry this back to your car?” He offers a little breathless as you pop the sucker from your mouth. 

“Maybe, uh I don’t know where-” You start

“Sorry bout that darlin’,” the gruff voice behind you is followed by the warmth of a hand on your hip as he picks up the bag with the boxes, ignoring the cashier's hand on it. 

“We all square?” He questions looking down at you in a familiar stern manner, maybe questioning the fact that you didn’t steal this time.

“Uh huh,” you nod, “Bought candy too…”

“Oh yeah I can see that-”

You press the lollipop to his lips cutting him off suddenly, expecting to gain some sort of reaction from him finally, but he only opens his mouth to take it in before stuffing it in his cheek, “Delicious… let’s get a move on.” 

A giggle expels from your mouth as you find yourself bewildered as he leads you out of the store before handing the sucker back to you in which you take it swiftly, before waving goodbye to the clerk who wears the strangest expression of confusion, making you laugh even more. 

You expect to head to the truck, and instead follow him towards a sandwich shop as he holds the door open for an elderly woman before letting you pass in. 

“You know what you want? They got hot & cold sandwiches it seems…” He mutters moving up in the line as there’s a good amount of people in front of you. 

“Umm, just a coke���” you hum happily looking at the glass bottled drink behind the counters before hearing Joel sigh out gruffly. 

“Look at me.” He’s stern when he speaks yet soft as he turns towards you, curling over as he closes the space between your bodies. You attempt to make eye contact with his grayish-green eyes, before looking down at your feet, your stomach turning in on itself. 

It isn’t until his fingers move along your jaw to your chin, tugging it up so you can look at him right there, your face resting in the cup of his hand, his hats shadow covering the both of you, making it feel as if you are the only people in the room as a slow gulp glides down your throat, his eyes searching yours as you can feel his breath on your lips. 

“I need you to get real food, you’re gonna get a sandwich. You understand me?” You open your mouth slightly to breathe in his words, stuck in a trance that has you resting your hands on his forearms for balance. 

You wish to speak, to object but only nod as he seems satisfied before breaking away to move up in line with only two people now ahead of you. 

It feels as if your heart is beating through your throat as you expected him to kiss you then, wanted him to. Yearned for it, lips left unsatisfied as you take them between your teeth to gnaw at them. 

He doesn’t even seem bothered in the slightest as he continues to read the menu, distracted as you size him up. 

His tanned arms roped with veins leading down to his hands, his jeans bolted together with a belt as the jeans hang over his boots, the thick beard that holds specks of gray that creep down his throat. His face littered with scars, the most prominent on his nose… he’s truly one of the most beautiful men you’ve ever come across. 

Why didn’t he kiss you… 

Your thoughts are interrupted as the person making the sandwiches asks what you want. You list off an assortment of turkey and cheese and other veggies before turning to Joel, somewhat seeking his approval as he gives you a little nod. 

You slip his wallet into his jeans before heading to find a table in the back, immediately getting side-tracked by a little kiddie ride shaped as a horse, seen through the glass window of the building, fishing into your own pockets to pull out a little ten-cent coin before exiting through the back door. 

It isn’t hard to settle onto it, clearly made for those younger but something fun to do while you wait as it begins to rock you back n forth, popping your forgotten sucker back into your mouth as you move your hips with the ride, it brings you back to a certain comfort forgotten in your childhood as you close your eyes, listening to the carnival music that exudes from the speaker box next to it.  

“What… are you doing?” You're interrupted by a familiar voice as you turn your head to Joel as he stands by the door, propped up, arms folded across his chest in a questioning way, not judging but curious. 

“Ridin’ a pony…” You hum biting into your lollipop, turning back your attention to the machine as it ceases. 

“Seems like you’re done ridin’ a pony, come on in so we can eat.” He huffs out, wiping a bead of sweat from his forehead, the summer sun shining down as you remove yourself before heading inside, sliding into a seat across for him, unwrapping your sandwich to find he’s already dug into his own, pastrami it seems. 

Your eyes narrow behind him as you find a group of teen boys, three, eyeing you. 

One spreading his legs open as another makes a gesture to sit on his lap, realizing they had seen you from the glass on the ride, a queasy feeling filling your stomach as you remove your hands from the wrapper placing them in your lap.

It doesn’t take Joel long to notice, his brow raising, chewing on the last bites in his mouth before leaning back in his seat, expecting some sort of reason as to why you haven’t touched your food. 

“Theyre just… starin…” You whisper, hushed, scared to provoke them, avoiding their gaze, and chuckles from behind him. You’re older than them, you know it, but there's more of them, and with men, when there's a will there's a way. 

He’s quick to set his food down, not missing a beat as his head swivels over his shoulder before back to you. 

It’s hard to hide your sickening expression, regretting your choice to reconnect with your inner child, “Can we maybe leave?” 

The stupid tears prick at your eyes as you once more feel dwindled to a piece of meat for the wolves to pick at. 

You don’t expect the reaction, you don’t expect Joel to get up with a loud screech of the chair against the tile that has patrons of the shop turning to see the commotion. His reserved, quiet, & sturdy demeanor, now replaced with a brash, harsh, mighty one as he approaches the table. 

“There a fucking problem?” 

He doesn’t yell… you think it’s scarier that way? His anger low and simmering yet already intimidating, you hope you never see his anger come to a rolling boil. 

The men, younger, stupider, shake their heads, one of them speaking up, “N- no just having fun, just fun…” You don’t hear Joel’s response but watch as the boys scurry out eventually, allowing Joel to return to the table after apologizing to a nearby couple for his language. 

He sits back down, not waiting to take a bite into his sandwich before gesturing to yours as you obey, unwrapping it and digging in to eat in comfortable silence, a strong wave of protection washing over you. An unfamiliar one, one never expressed to you before, it isn’t necessarily the possessive protection from toxic boys in the past, it’s healthy and feels good? 

You don’t notice he’s finished, lost in your own thoughts until you hear his mouth ‘tick’ and then feel his thumb swipe at the corner of your mouth getting at a bit of mustard there before pressing it to his mouth, sucking it off with a quick motion that leaves you biting into your sandwich to subdue the need to press your lips to his, squeezing your thighs together. 

It’s nice just sitting in silence with him, as he sips his beer, and you drink your coke, finishing eventually, keeping the bottle cap.

Eventually, you head back to the truck. 

Truth be told you hadn’t had a proper meal in weeks, making it hard to stay awake for the drive, eventually resting your head on the window as you think of telling Joel just that, maybe to show your gratitude. 

Instead, you drift off deciding whether to or not to. 

You don’t notice you’re awake until you collide with a plush mattress, groaning into the comforter as you come to realize you’re in a bed. 

You spring awake, forgetting the day, forgetting where you are, only knowing you are now in a strange bed placed there by a person…

“Easy…” A familiar voice sounds out as you scramble to get up, a warm hand pressing to your chest to ease you back down as you remember, it’s Joel, you’re safe. 

He pulls back the covers as you slip in, expecting to hear him follow in soon, expecting to feel his body heat warm the cold bed.  

Instead, you watch as his figure strides to the door, confusion setting in. 

“Joel… where are you going?” It comes out in a hush, feeling too vulnerable for your own skin, the exterior of hyper-independence you've worn since grade school replaced by an anxious curiosity.  

“Got a room right next door, just holler f’ya need anythin…” He moves to open the door, a gust of warm wind entering as you realize it’s night, a nearby clock reading 8:32 p.m.

You don’t know why you’re frustrated, it’s stupid. Your hands balling up the sheets as you clench onto them, attempting to figure out what it would to get him to stay. 

He’s being respectful you think, but it makes a certain loneliness you are familiar with, creep its way up your spine. You don’t have the guts to ask him to stay. 

“Okay… if some serial killer comes to get me in the middle of the night it's your fault,” is all you can get out, attempting to soothe your own anxiety with jokes. 

You can see him slightly as he exits the door, the soft moonlight reflected upon him in a way that makes your heart flutter, “Not on my watch baby, get some sleep.” 

The door shuts with a hard thud and soon you get up to lock it behind him leaving you wishing he shared the bed with you. 

You drift off that night imagining what it would look like if he did.

[nikemouse]

[AU] New Age of The Planet of the Apes

Hi, since NoMae is my new Tumblr obsession and I had some free time, I compiled ideas about what I imagine the movie's sequels would be like. My inspiration for this story came from the theory of TheOasisGeek channel on YouTube, as well as the Korean manhwa Leviathan (manhwa).

Rating: Madure.

Edit: 31 th January, 2025.

NOTE: English is not my first language, so a thousand pardons for any grammatical errors.

Summary

In an apocalyptic world, the leader of the Eagle clan must join forces with a group of humans to fight for survival.

Years have passed since the fall of Proximus Caesar. Noa is now the official leader of the Eagle clan, but his people are once again threatened when a young emperor emerges seeking revenge. After an unsuccessful rebellion, Noa has his vocal cords pierced and is forced to leave his homeland. Unable to sing for the eagles, the ape leader guides his people and other defeated clans in search of a haven. To the apes' dismay, the discovery of intelligent echoes provokes territorial tensions. Meanwhile, a mysterious disease is taking hold of planet Earth, affecting both humans and apes.

“The grandfather builds the Empire, the father squanders the Empire, and the son loses the Empire” - Chinese proverb

The origin of the Forbidden Zone {The story of Cornelius & Nova}

After Caesar's death, the apes were finally free from human evil, and lived in peace in the Oasis. As Caesar's second son, Cornelius was expected to inherit his father's place as the next leader. Despite his sagacity, young Cornelius lacks Caesar's imposing stature. And this seems to affect his self-esteem. To cope with the pressure of succeeding his father, he often goes on adventures with his friend Nova. Cornelius likes Nova as an adventure companion, although he considers her slow and bad at climbing. The ape enjoys her jokes and magic tricks.

Nova grows up as Maurice's adopted daughter. She proves to be more intelligent than the other apes and sometimes acts as a teacher in her father's place. In reality, Nova hasn't lost her intelligence, but the disease has reset her brain, so she has lost her memory. For this reason, when she saw her biological father's corpse lying in the snow, she could not show any emotion, even though something in the back of her mind told her she knew the man.

Despite the visible physical differences, when Nova reaches adolescence, she feels physically attracted to the males of the ape community. In her naivety, she believes she will get married and start a family just like the other females. But this illusion is finally shattered when, on receiving unpleasant comments from the other males, “she's very ugly”, she runs into her father's arms. Maurice, for his part, gently explains that Nova is a beautiful girl, but because she is from a different species, she will never find a partner in that community.

To distract her mind, Nova goes on one of Cornelius' adventures to explore the ruins. They find a statue with a face identical to Nova's, below which are the inscriptions: “U.S.A.”. The pair don't know it, but the sculpted face actually belongs to an astronaut who was lost in space, Judy Franklin, one of the first American women to travel in a spaceship. Cornelius takes the statue with him, even though Nova doesn't like the idea. On their way out of the building, they come across an intelligent human who runs away when he realizes an ape accompanies the girl. The possibility that there are others like her intrigues Nova. She needs to know who they are and where they are. Cornelius notices the change in his friend's behavior, but decides not to confront her for fear of angering her.

Maurice also noticed this change who, as an elderly orangutan who probably won't live to the end of the year, advises his daughter to set off on a journey in search of the answers she needs. His friend's decision to leave home initially disgusted Cornelius, because deep down Cornelius wanted Nova to take Maurice's place as a teacher.

Nova consoles him and says that Cornelius will always be in her heart, no matter how far away she is, and to show that he also cares for Nova, Cornelius gives her a necklace with Caesar's symbol on it, so that Nova will always have a reminder of her old home with her.

Years later, Cornelius would marry and start a family. He had three children, Green-Eyes the firstborn, and Galen the second son, and Shiva, the youngest daughter. Green-Eyes and Galen are brothers who haven't got along since they were babies. Both are responsible in their duties, but Green-Eyes always shows arrogance towards the other ape species. For Green-Eyes, chimpanzees are superior to other apes. His father constantly reproached this distorted thinking. Shiva is closer to Green-Eyes. He likes to be around his younger sister because Shiva always praises him and says he's better than Galen.

One day Green-Eyes and Galen are arguing near the ruins when they hear a mysterious noise coming from the abandoned building. On checking, the brothers hear echoes of a mysterious animal; they are intrigued and Green-Eyes enters the site to investigate. Galen tries to stop him, but cannot convince his brother until a human carrying a sword appears, and strikes a blow at Green-Eyes. Luckily, the blade grazes his face. The brothers run off and warn the other apes. A group of apes is sent to check the site and find the creature. Hours later, they return with a familiar face, Nova, alongside a woman and a young boy called Sirius.

Cornelius warmly welcomed Nova, now an older woman and the leader of a community of humans. His father's reaction left Green-Eyes confused and angry, as he expected the woman to be punished because of the arrow. But Galen calms his brother's nerves and Nova apologizes for the unpredictable behaviour of his son, Sirius.

Nova reveals that over the last few years, years, her mission has been to help track down survivors of the apocalypse. She explains that humanity, who is hiding underground, has abandoned the infected. She says that she has gathered many survivors, but that they have now had to abandon their land because of climate change. During the conversation, Sirius points to a small statue placed in the center of the nest. Nova is surprised to see the ancient artifact again, and Cornelius presents her friend with the object. Green-Eyes disapproves of his father's idea and tries to convince Galen, who in turn remains neutral. Galen doesn't trust humans, but he respects his father's decisions.

Little by little, Galen also changes his mind about humans, and even makes friends with Sirius, something that annoys Green-Eyes even more. Taking advantage of the situation, Shiva convinces Green-Eyes that humans could be a future threat. She shows Green-Eyes leaflets from a zoo where chimpanzees are kept in cages. “For now they are few, but when they multiply in number, we will be doomed!”. Knowing that Galen would probably take his father's place, Green-Eyes devises a plan to get rid of his brother and the unwanted humans. Shiva steals Sirius' sword and Green-Eyes uses the object to murder his own brother, but things don't work out as planned. Cornelius would have seen Green-Eyes's crime coming from afar. Heartbroken, Cornelius expels Green-Eyes, who flees the camp with his fiancée and other chimpanzees who share his superiority.

Thus, Shiva ends up becoming Cornelius' sole heir. When Sirius realizes Shiva manipulated Green-Eyes, he convinces his mother that the only way to maintain peace between apes and humans is for the two species to live separately. So Sirius and Shiva sign an agreement and the humans move to a place called the “Forbidden Zone”. Meanwhile, to represent his newly formed clan, Green-Eyes would adopt the color blue in contrast to the traditional color red used by Caesar's people, and his descendants would later domesticate eagles. However, Shiva's reign did not last long, as after a series of disagreements, the chimpanzees, orangutans and gorillas fragmented into different groups. This story was passed down from generation to generation among Nova's descendants.

Mae's Backstory

The Bunkers:

After the simian flu wiped out almost all of humanity, the remaining humans managed to survive in underground bunkers. The bunkers were built before the viral outbreak. The American government to shelter the population in case of nuclear war. The humans who took shelter inside the buildings were military personnel, scientists, or had some connection to politics. Small societies were created inside the hiding places, and each society had its system of rules;

Mae was born in a place divided by a rigid class system, based on the level of skills each person could offer. Therefore, more skilled people receive more resources (food, water, clothing) than less experienced individuals;

Inhabitants' abilities are measured through intelligence and strength tests. In addition, performance during work is constantly evaluated. So if you didn't perform your tasks correctly, you could be demoted or even considered “useless”;

People considered “useless” by the system make up the lowest layer of society. They receive fewer resources, for example, access to health services;

Euthanasia is applied to the elderly and disabled;

Women have had their reproductive rights removed. Women of childbearing age are obliged to take part in reproduction programs. Abortion is only permitted when the pregnancy poses a risk to the pregnant woman's life;

Over time, teaching underwent transformations; some books and teaching materials were banned or altered, and any thought that posed a threat to the system was banned. - A similar situation occurred when Proximus distorted Caesar's ideals;

The surviving humans are indoctrinated to hate apes - Mae grew up hearing that apes were responsible for the destruction of human civilization. At first, she refuses to believe that Noa and Raka are good people;

The Gatherers

Because of limited resources, a group of gatherers are sent to the surface every month to collect supplies, risking their lives to ensure the survival of humanity;

Besides wearing special clothing during their missions, the gatherers use immunizing drugs;

The gatherers have a time limit for remainng outside, and are sterilized after each mission;

For security reasons, the gatherers live in an isolated area of the bunker, without direct contact with members of the community members, communicating through a video calls with their superiors;

The gatherers undergo a military training - For this reason, Mae survived on the surface alone for a long time before crossing paths with Noa and Raka;

About the virus:

The simian flu has mutated yet again, affecting the surviving humans even more. Instead of killing those infected, the mutant strain of simian flu causes humans to lose the ability to speak and become wild animals. The humanity that has isolated itself in the bunkers still carries ALZ-113, but has managed to reverse the side effects thanks to immunizing drugs and the fact that they are not exposed to the new mutation of the virus;

Just as the next generations of apes became more intelligent, humans also developed a stronger immune system. In this case, humans have used genetic engineering to their advantage;

The virus still exists on the surface and can be fatal to humans;

In very rare cases, the retrovirus ends up working and having its intended effect for the first time, the affected humans have accelerated thinking and a higher intellectual level, but still suffer from common side effects of the virus, such as eye and nose bleeding. These humans are considered the next stage in the evolution of Homo sapiens. This human subspecies is known as Mutants;

There are communities formed by this new species hidden around the planet, many of whom disguise themselves as wild echoes as a form of protection, so as not to attract the attention of the apes;

In the old region of Fort Wayne, there is an agricultural community of Mutants, known as the Nova Clan. The name “Nova” is a tribute to the founder and first leader of the community. The clan likes to call the inhabitants of the bunkers “underground people”. It is a matriarchal community, 40% of the participants are mute. Unlike the present thinking of the humans in the bunkers, the community believes in harmony between humans and apes;

Human novas like to call the inhabitants of the bunkers “underdwellers”;

Mae's family:

Mae was raised in a family of gatherers;

Mae's mother's real name is Ellen, but she goes by the alias “Carol”, while her adoptive father was called Joel - this part is confusing, but I'll explain it later:

“Ellen had a twin sister called Carol. As a child, Carol underwent surgery to implant a catheter in her heart, and this experience motivated her to take up medicine. Ellen and Carol loved each other unconditionally, but a tragic event would separate the two sisters. Connor, a family friend, doped and sexually abused Ellen. Being from a wealthy family, Connor got away with it. Ellen, dissatisfied with the jury's decision, would have taken the law into her own hands, but her revenge didn't go according to plan, as Connor's eye was pierced during the attack. Carol, afraid that her pregnant sister will be sentenced to expulsion, assumes the identity of Ellen, and in the end the real Carol is tried and sentenced to death. But Connor devises a plan to send “Ellen”/Carol to the surface. The imposter spends days wandering the apocalyptic earth facing dangerous challenges, such as a clan of chimpanzees who hunt wild humans to feed on their flesh. Until Daena, a descendant of Nova and the current leader of a group, finds her made up of intelligent humans. The revelation that some humans have kept their intellectual capacity surprises Carol and survives the apocalypse, but she also wonders if the government knows of their existence. Daena at first suspects Carol of being some kind of “underground” spy, so she captures her and takes her to her clan. But little by little, with her knowledge of medicine, Carol wins Daena's trust and eventually they fall in love and get married.

Ellen is traumatized after losing her sister, so she raises her daughter to be strong and ruthless. Thus, Mae is taught from an early age not to trust just anyone;

After assuming the identity of “Carol”, Ellen abandons her family and joins the gatherers. There she meets Joel, and falls in love with him;

Mae is Connor's daughter, but grew up thinking her father was Joel;

Mae has a somewhat complicated relationship with her mother. Although Mae understands that her mother loves her, she sometimes feels suffocated by the psychological pressure and would like to have more freedom to go out with her friends;

Mae has good relationship with father, Joel. Joel is a technology geeek and handles the bunker's internal infrastructure and equipment repairs. Mae has always accompanied her father to work since she was a child, and she has also developed a passion for technology;

Mae has two best friends: Raven and Douglas. The trio of friends has known each other since kindergarten - a similar dynamic that Noa shares with Soona and Anaya;

She is nicknamed “Eagle Eyes” by her friends, because she is very good at target practice - the choice of this nickname is deliberate, as I believe the scriptwriters wanted Mae to have a connection with Noa, just as her clan has with the eagles;

At the virtual school, Mae excels in all her subjects;

Mae meets Desmond, another prodigy at the school when they are teamed up by their teacher to do a project together. Although her mother says they could be friends, she despises him because she thinks he has a “God complex”;

Mae's father dies in an “accident” when she is fifteen - in reality he was murdered;

She keeps a music box by her bed. This was the last birthday present she received from her father;

The mission:

Seven attempts have been made to recover the SATCOM chip, and all have failed;

The group is attacked by Proximus apes as they near their destination. Mae sees her mother being killed. Douglas, one of Mae's best friends, sacrifices himself to save her life. In his last moments of life, he confesses his feelings to her;

Mae is the only one in the group to escape alive. She takes refuge in the rubble of a church. She believes she is alone until she notices a mysterious figure next to the statue of the Virgin Mary. This is her aunt, the real Carol. Mae at first believes she is seeing a ghost of her mother. They talk and Mae is disappointed to realize that the woman in front of her is not her mother, but surprised to discover that she has an aunt;

She wonders how Carol can still maintain sentience if the virus is still on the planet. Carol says that some humans are immune, but this can only be discovered within a year. Carol also tells Carol about her past. The woman reveals the atrocities she went through because of the system and even tells her niece that apes are not monsters, as they claim;

— No, you don't understand. They can form family ties, creating monuments, developing their own culture. We can't just ignore the fact that this planet is as much theirs as it is ours.

— Can you believe that? Apes killed their own sister! — questioned Mae.

This statement leaves Mae in a complete state of rage. The girl thinks Carol is a crazy woman;

They fight and Carol disappears. The next morning, Mae continues her journey in search of SATCOM;

After the events of Kingdom of The Planet of the Apes

When Mae returns to the human settlement and gives Korina the decryption key, she also asks for her music box back;

Carol finds Raka. She ends up saving the ape's life and they become friends;

Raka and Noa meet again. Although Raka's ideas are not accepted by the elders of the Eagle Clan, Noa meets the old orangutan on the sly to learn more about Caesar;

Mae sets up a makeshift camp near the bunker. Then one day she realizes that some animal is stealing her food. Mae sets a trap and captures an orangutan cub called Lena. At first, Mae doesn't let her guard down for Lena, but her heart softens when she discovers the cub is yet another child who lost her family to the atrocities of Proximus Caesar. Mae ends up “adopting” Lena and together they end up forming a family;

At some point, Mae discovers that inside the music box was a letter written by her mother, Ellen. In the message, Ellen tells her the whole truth about her past, her real identity, her lost twin sister, and finally who her daughter's father is. Mae bursts into tears at the discovery and Lena comforts her;

Eventually Mae is reunited with Carol. She is surprised that Mae is taking care of an ape and even more so, carrying a Caesar medallion. Mae asks her aunt for forgiveness and they reconcile. Carol invites Mae to live with the Nova clan. Mae had no faith that she could survive alone on the surface for long, especially now that she had a child to look after, so she allied herself with the group of humans;

At first, Mae's presence is not very well accepted, but little by little she gains a foothold in the clan with her technological skills;

THE MAIN VILLAINS:

Desmond Thompson harbors a hatred of apes and believes that they are to blame for humanity having to live in isolation underground. He is a brilliant scientist and currently the head of the science department. His research focuses on developing a biological weapon capable of sterilizing all apes. His father, Oliver Thompson, was one of the creators project, but after a series of fiascos that put his teammates lives at risk, the project was canceled and Oliver was fired. Months later, Oliver committed suicide. Desmond's laboratory is in a makeshift facility on the surface. Thanks to SATCOM, he coordinates the project with the help of other scientists across the country. Desmond displays a great lack of empathy and a god complex, firmly believing that he is the only one capable of saving humanity.

Connor Cunningham is Mae's biological father. He belongs to a high-ranking family in the bunker and obtained his position throught nepotism. Together with Desmond, Connor aims to restore human civilization. To achieve this, Connor contacts Ivar, a young leader, to procure ore and other natural resources. In return, he supplies Ivar's army with low-quality firearms. The supply of firearms allows Ivar to reconquer the former empire of his father, Proximus Caesar. This possession of firearms ultimately leads to enslavement and bloodshed among the ape communities. Connor is a man without scruples and takes pleasure in the apes destroying themselves. He is known to the Eagle Clan as the “merchant of death”.

Ivar is the son of Proximus. Ivar lost his father when he was still a child, and shortly afterwards, witnessed the death of his mother and later had to endure unthinkable abuse and persecution from his family. Ivar develops a strong hatred for the Eagle Clan, especially Noa, and blames them for ruining his life. Over time, Ivar formed an alliance with “Messiah”, a chimpanzee-human hybrid in which he helped eliminate his opponents. Messiah is not his real name, nor does Ivar himself know the origin of this killer, but that doesn't matter as long as he does his job. With the help of a human called Connor, Ivar begins a military campaign to reconquer the lands of the former emperor. Despite his age, he is capable of feats just like his predecessor. However, not everyone is pleased with the new emperor. Because of a trap set by his opponents, Ivar was shot in the head and left in a coma for seven days. He survives but is left with aftereffects. After the assassination attempt, his personality changed drastically. He became more brutal toward his enemies. Even his allies became afraid of the young emperor.

[thelarriefics]

SUMMER FIC REC, Part II: Below you will find fics that take place in the summer, or have summer scenes. (Part I)

📖 On The Horizon by FitzAndLarry (261k)

Drunk, loose, and excited on the first night of his two-week-long cruise, Doctor Harry Styles finds himself with a little extra company on what has turned out to be a lonely experience. Louis, the pilot who helped fly him across the Atlantic, is the object of his fling. Thus begins an adventure filled with laughter, sun, and trauma rearing its ugly head. Deadline on their companionship, the pair commit to enjoying their time - and Harry, the screw-up he is, can't help but lose himself in the fantasy.

📖 love is a word, you gave it a name by @larrydoinglaundry (158k)

After two decades in brutal show business, Louis Tomlinson is trying to restore his tranquility of mind in the peace of Northern Europe where the sun barely sets, Maria's bar is always open, and young Harry has an irresistible spark in his eyes.

📖 blue moon by @aquietlarrie (152k)

or the self indulgent 50’s au where i wanted a safe space to explore the culture, history, and sexuality of being gay in a time when it was extremely difficult to do so. includes, lots of questionable dancing, healing your inner child, and one heck of an emotional ride.

📖 a cycle of recycled revenge by @broken-beaks (103k)

Or: The one where Harry likes to infuriate Louis almost as much as he enjoys straddling his lap.

📖 gloominess of summer days by @adoremelikeasunflower19 (90k)

Following a devastating and unexpected split, Harry finds himself rewarded by the mysterious ways of Faith in the form of an inheritance of his Uncle’s house in a distant country Wolveheuls. Dismissing his initial scepticism, he chooses to seize the opportunity. He starts a journey of self-discovery, relearning the meaning of loving and being loved, moving on from the painful past, and making his place within the eccentric small-town community. Between his efforts, his path crosses with Louis Tomlinson, a town native, known for his ridiculous number of jobs, incomparable wit, and profound adoration for the cottage lifestyle.

📖 Summer's in the air and baby, heaven's in your eyes by @starryhaze28 (82k)

or a 70s tennis au filled with skirts, pet names and intrigue

📖 your memory over me by @shimmeringevil (64k)

The worst heartbreak of Louis’ life walks right back into it when his parents invite their family friends on an all-expenses-paid trip for their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. Facing a past that he tried to bury long ago, Louis learns that some people have a way of sticking with you even when they’re gone.

📖 hope your life leads you back to my door by wildestdreams (56k)

Harry Styles set out to be a doctor; a steady career and a good living is all a young person could ask for. What he hadn't set out to do was to spend his summer holiday on a trekking trip in Spain with a group of people he barely knew. And he certainly didn’t plan on having his heart stolen by Louis Tomlinson, class clown, and secret crush, in such a way that he feared he might never find it again. ft. cheesy chat-up lines, a big desi wedding, falling in love, and growing up.

📖 A Golden Goal by a_momentwitme (55k)

"Even they, as free as you think they are, don't always get to love like this, in the true meaning of the word, of the feeling. Not some diluted version that some settle with for their entire lifetime. I mean love in its purest form, which still grows every day despite the problems, barriers and annoying habits you discover in your partner. A love that refills your heart after you pour it out or makes you go on during your worst days, knowing that your best is expecting you at home."

📖 where the tide takes you, i will follow by @pinkcords (53k)

Louis lives in Gloucester and Harry tries to find a way to stay.

📖 sent by the sun by @givesuethemoon (51k)

In 1970s Los Angeles, Harry is a groupie who aches to feel alive. Louis is the lead singer of a rock band who aches to know him.

📖 Suddenly Last Summer by @disgruntledkittenface (44k)

Louis is bored, rich and lonely. He has no reason to expect that this summer in the Hamptons with his friends will be different from any other – until he meets Harry. Suddenly he has someone who listens to him and cares about what he thinks. Someone who really sees him. But their happily ever after is forever marred by an incident at a party during Labor Day weekend, and Louis is left with a choice to make.

📖 Awake Dear Heart, Awake by She_bear (35k)

Cute, fun, sexy and at times emotional AU where Harry and Louis meet as strangers on holiday in Greece and find themselves stuck on a remote beach together. An initial misunderstanding gets them off to a bad start. Both at a turbulent point in their lives, they are forced to confront their internal struggles and of course each other.

📖 He Still Takes My Breath Away by @parmahamlarrie (32k)

 the one where Harry is a lifeguard and Louis is the head of recreation. And, sometimes, you just need a little push to realize what was right in front of you the whole time.

📖 Bitter Ends Turn Sweet by @allwaswell16 (30k)

It had been four years since Harry first heard the song his ex wrote about him and far longer since they broke up. He forgave Louis long ago, and now his life was focused on his career, his family, and especially his son, Max. But Louis was back in Chicago, after all this time, and he’s not an easy man to ignore. Or a songfic inspired by the song Chicago

📖 Dancing With Masks by @softfonds (18k)

With awards season coming up and new films on the way for both of them, Harry and Louis' managers decide it's time for them to date for publicity. They don't mind, given that they are best friends and have known each other for ages. Besides, after years of sexual tension built into a fake relationship for press, what could possibly go wrong?

📖 Come on in, the water's fine by @greenblueish (9k)

or, the one where Louis is set on enjoying his last summer jobbing abroad as tourist entertainer and it only gets better when a mysterious hotel guest with overly expensive sunglasses keeps coming back for his drink recommendations.

📖 Black Leather, Blue Lace by @insightfulinsomniac (8k)

aka: a pwp in which new soulmates farmer!Louis and city girl!Harry are filthy exhibitionists.

📖 Near You Now by @beyondxmeasure (8k)

When a leaky bathroom sink turns into a minor flood, Harry has to act fast. So, he thinks of the closest (and most unlikely) way to find home repair help… Grindr. The last thing he expects from this quick fix is to find anything long-term.

📖 now i'm tracin' all my steps to you by @alwaysxlarrie (5k)

Of all the things Harry was prepared for this summer, Louis Tomlinson and his wonderful, wonderful scent isn't one of them. It probably shouldn't be as shocking as it is that it makes Harry want to nest. There's only one slight problem -- Harry and nesting aren't exactly on familiar terms. At all. This does not stop Harry from borrowing ("borrowing") Louis' things all throughout summer, though. Oops?

[take-aim]

Hc for the greens?💚

Hello! 😊 I apologize, I do not have many headcanons and my views of the Greens are still being developed. But here are bits of unnecessary info I've had in my head so far haha:

Buttercup :

- Just like any normal teenager, Buttercup started on a quiet journey to find self-love as soon as she reached her adolescent years. This meant that she tried to find what makes her standout from her sisters. This was also her attempt to eliminate remaining childhood envies as she eventually felt that 1) this could plague her mental state during battles and 2) this could tarnish her relationship with her sisters. She didn't want any of those baggages.

- She decided to explore her Mange disguise as part of her self-discovery and self-love journey. Her Mange powers allow her to manipulate shadow, phase through solid objects, and become invisible (inspired by ATGB lore). She once asked the Professor of any insights how she could do... This. Though the Prof could not provide a solid answer yet, he thought it might be rooted from the partial sugar element within her; adapting the spatial rearrangement property of sugar.

- Her spice element makes her very familiar with spices like its a second language. Thus, she's the best cook of the Utonium residence! (I feel like this is both a canon and fanon thing about her lol)

- Also due to her spice element, she's the Puff who's less likely to get sick. Although all Puffs (and Rowdies) don't get sick at all, when there's a supernatural virus outbreak that affects metahumans, Buttercup would be the last X'individual to get infected. She's also the fastest to heal.

- Buttercup once watched a docuseries about life longevity. It inspired her greatly that upon adulthood, she began doing self-preserving activities when not hanging out with her sisters or friends. She's still boyish but she's committed to taking care of her body in any way possible (yes, that includes maintaining a skin care routine HAHA). Her goal is to become a mighty grandma Puff xD

Butch :

- RANDOM guy. Spontaneous, unpredictable both in good and in a bad way-- but quite dependable. Boomer is older than him but he oftentimes act more like an older brother haha.

- He likes taking home small exotic animals and make them his pet. His usual excuse to Brick is that these creatures are so odd, so rare, so ugly, nobody cares for them. Just like how nobody cares for a snail. The "uglier" --or the more endangered-- the creature is, the more likely he's gonna take it home. So yeah, he adopts them but after 3 days or so, Boomer takes em back to their natural habitat per Bubbles' request (Boomer tells her about it).

- His past with HIM aka "the blank period" made him embrace the carpe diem lifestyle in his second life.

- He initially despised Buttercup's strict health regimen but he eventually understood how, in a sense, they're just treating life the same way.

- He may be best at hand to hand combat, but he also has a special move where he makes darts using his green energy, and these motherfuckers sting.

- ...It leaves a burning pain, it paralyzes. As if it has venom. The Prof thought this is due to his snail element but Brick suggested that it might also be an amalgamation of all the elements within him.

Greens :

- Both are the youngest. I simply cannot imagine them being the middle siblings xD

- The Blues may have been the first to get romantically involved, but it's the Greens' friendship that broke the news about the Puffs x Rowdies' acquaintanceship to the public eye.

- Their friendship began back in highschool when Butch tried to steal a PS game he's been eyeing for months and the newest PS console. BC caught him but immediately got distracted because of the particular stolen game-- which according to her, is "the game that only the Green Puff knows about" (probably not true but, meh xD) She ended up helping him buy the console and the game, and it became their first common interest.

- Part of my larger headcanon is that all X'individuals have influenced each other in developing new skills/fighting techniques. So for Buttercup, she eventually learned to manipulate the shadow to form into an armor. Butch... Well... Butch learned to evolve his force field into something out of this world.

- They've only accepted their romantic feelings for each other around late 20's. Butch realized his feelings sooner but convinced himself for a long time that it was platonic.

[dr-lizortecho]

like to say that season three had it flaws is definitely true, but it also brought virtually every character through to developmental mile stones that had been pre-setup from the start of the series

it saw Liz confronting how difficult it was even with a miracle to separate trauma from reality, to trust in people, to relinquish control of everything so she could hold onto what matters, it saw her stop running away under guise of running towards something, it allowed her to finally feel settled in her bones in her hometown, to build something and trust that it wouldn’t crumble under her feet, all things presented in season one (in the first four episodes to be exact- if not all summarized and hinted towards in the pilot) bringing her character fully into self realization, obviously she has a long stretch ahead of her come the end of 3x13 but she’s made the choice to work towards that, directed her path, and if Liz Ortecho is anything it’s an overachiever, a hardworking dedicated woman

Max Evans is starting his journey of self love and acceptance (specifically of his alien powers/heritage) in the season finale, he’s shown grappling with what being an alien and whatever the savior was and becoming sure that in his discovery of who he wanted to be his loved ones would be at his side no matter his choice, he’s shown having worked through a lot of his aimless anger and literally sits in the dark with his childhood self and a priest (like come onnnnn show??? heavy handed much), he also is faced with the ugly truth of himself, everything he hates, and has to choose to live, to fight back, and he wins, his hand is held by his family who give him the tools and he kills the part of him that has always wanted kill and destroy and also symbolically his desire to die (forget the fact that this is symbolism I specifically pulled out to be a happier person)

Isobel Evans is shown not as a girl boss or a victim, but a complicated woman on a healing journey that makes her want to help others heal- a woman who turned her pain into healing who is wise enough to know that that doesn’t make the pain go away, she trusts again- enough to share her secret with a man she barely knows so he can feel safe and loved, welcomed like she never got as a child, she starts pursuing a romantic relationship with someone she picked- someone who represents everything she should be afraid of, but she trusts herself, knows her own strength, and she’s propped up by her family and friends and told just how well she will do at her calling of teaching and maybe just maybe starting to work towards that dream

Michael Guerin is depicted as having healed his familial relationships (obviously this was worked Ian by all parties) and in that started a journey of healing himself from feeling unloved to his relationship journey with Maria and Alex, he vocally says (and isn’t shown having anymore drunken benders or bar fights) that he is gonna cut back on his drinking and focus on the people who matter, he also grapples with his sense of belonging on Earth and in his family

Kyle Valenti is perfect as always, and also gets to face his fathers legacy head on and refuse to take it up, all while championing the very people his father failed in faux attempts to protect them

Rosa Ortecho gets to be on a healing journey and make art for the joy of it, and escape the little town she was always too big for, also, gets to fight back against the little boxes they tried to put her in

Maria DeLuca gets to fully realize her powers and start towards understanding her family history and be accepted into the alien family they’re building on Earth, she also gets the story arc started that Liz has been working in a study to help combat her and Mimi’s brain deterioration

Alex Manes gives his dead abuser the middle finger and starts healing his relationship with his brother

[raya-hunter01]

Lights, Camera, Action! Pt. 10

Lights, Camera, Action!

Jey Uso x Black Female OC! (Shantell)

Roman x Black Female OC! Tangela

Solo x Black Female OC! Sofia

Jimmy x Trin

Rating: 18+

Warning: Smut; oral, sex, fluff, defloration (Virginity) masturbation

Words:

Summary: How do you keep it together as Smackdown’s production director and navigate your life as the girlfriend of Mr. Main Event Jey Uso.  Follow Shantell as she navigates her life as a girlfriend, sister, and confidant to the bloodline. Follow her on her journey to self-discovery of love and happiness.

Pensacola, FL

Fatu Family Home

“You didn’t have to come, baby,” I said as Jey loaded the gifts in his truck. “I wanted to be here, I knew Mama my was gonna go all out for this and I knew all of it wasn’t gon’ fit in your car,” he said as we returned inside. Sandra was nice enough to throw me a small baby shower along with my mom.

I can honestly say I am surprised Sandra and my mom are getting along so well, but I sure will take that any day. Hopefully no more ass-whoopings in the pool anytime soon.

“Hey can I talk to ya’ll for a minute,” Jey said as he guided my mom and Sandra to the backyard. I wonder what that is all about as Trin gave me a glass of punch. “Girl don’t worry bout them, let’s cut a little rug,” she said as I smiled following her back into the living room.

Jey’s POV

“Oh, Joshua she is going to love it. It’s really beautiful,” my mom said looking at the engagement ring Trin had helped me pick out.  “You know I will always support ya’ll, all I ask is you do right by my baby,” Tanya said engulfing me in a hug.

“You know I will ma, I just hope she says yes, “I whispered as she laughed pulling away from me. “Boy, my daughter loves you. I know she’s going to say yes, and do the ugly cry,” Tanya said inviting my mother into our hug.

I tell you what, seven months ago I would have called anybody delusional if they would have said our mothers would be getting along. Now they are actually building a relationship, my mom actually helped Tanya move back here to Pensacola.

--------------------------------

Shantell’s House

Jey’s POV

“It’s yo daddy boy, come on kick,” I said talking to Shantell’s stomach as she laughed.  “Don’t wake the baby up, I wanna sleep tonight,” Shantell said closing her eyes as I grinned. “You know we have to have our late-night talks, let us bond woman,” I said grinning at her as she gave me a tired smile.  

“You gon’ be so crushed if it’s a girl,” Shantell said rubbing her stomach. “I would not, I would love my baby girl just the same,” I said pretending to be offended. “You know I’m kidding,” she whispered as I smiled at her. “I know it baby, but trust me we havin’ a boy,” I said confidently. “I will continue my neutral color purchases thank you,” she said smiling as we sat in silence as I rubbed her stomach.

These last couple months have been hard, but we are almost to the end.  After a few minutes of baby watching, I was rewarded with a strong kick against my face.  

Shantell’s POV

“Hey, man we waitin’ on you out here,” Jey smiled kissing my stomach as I ran my fingers through his hair.  “You’re going to be a great dad. You know that right?” I asked, unable to hide my smile looking at him talking to my belly. “We gon’ be great parents Shantell, it’s always us,” he said moving to lay beside me, kissing me gently on the lips.

I felt nervous for the future, especially with leaving my mom here in this house alone. Jey had been gradually moving my things into his house finally breaking down my walls about moving in with him. I knew whatever was to come, I hoped we would face it together head on.

----------------------------------------------

Pensacola, Fl

Joe’s House

“You like that baby;” I groaned thrusting faster as Tangela purred beneath me, I felt her legs shaking, fighting to stay wrapped around my waist. “What are you doing to me?” her strained voice cried as she pulled me closer.

 I growled, grabbing her throat, taking her in a possessive kiss. “I’m making love to my wife;  now tell me you like it,” I moaned moving my kisses to her neck as her nails clawed at my back.

 “Joe, I love it!  Don’t stop, please baby,” she moaned as I thrust deeper inside her.  “Oh, yea I’m deep in my pussy,” I confessed as I unwrapped her legs from around my waist, holding one of her feet in each of my hands as I went deeper.

Tangela’s POV

“Baby! You so deep, I can’t take it!” I cried as he wouldn’t let up his torture of pleasing me. “Fuck! Yeah, I know I’m deep, and guess what,” he moaned, snapping his hips harder as I screamed wrapping my arms around his neck.  

“I can go even deeper,” he growled as I felt myself falling even deeper into my pleasure. I pulled him to me, desperately kissing him before biting his lip as he growled thrusting even faster.

 “I want you to cum all on your Tribal Chief’s dick. Can you do that Chieftess?” he questioned, grunting never breaking his thrusts as he rolled us over with me now on top.

I gasped feeling him deeper inside of me from the new position. I began riding him slowly trying to adjust. “You never answered your Tribal Chief Tange, can you cum on this dick? Answer me, Tange,” his deep voice commanded as his breath hitched each time I bounced on his dick.

His voice so deep and commanding was making me lose control of myself as I began bouncing a little harder. The look of pleasure on his face as he bit his lip, panting almost painfully gripping my hips was making me even wetter.

 “Whatever you want my Tribal Chief,” I moaned as I raked my nails down his chest. “Yea, you gon’ give it all to your Tribal Chief.  Listen to that shit, you hear dat? My pussy talking loud and clear to her Tribal Chief,” he grunted as I continued to bounce on his dick faintly hearing the sounds of my wet pussy taking all of his dick desperately, awaiting the powerful release I knew was coming.

 “Fuck, you know I’m about to cum my Tribal Chief! “I exclaimed, moaning in anticipation as he smacked my ass. “Don’t talk about it, be about it. Give it all to me,” he growled sitting up, taking me in a demanding kiss.

"You can have it all!" I gasped as his arms embraced me, making me bounce even faster on his dick. “My Tribal Chief!” I gasped against his mouth, taking him in a desperate kiss as I felt him becoming even harder, never breaking our kiss.

“Yea, you gon give it to me good, ain’t you Tange? Cum wit me,” he encouraged as we both let go. “I love you, Joe!” I declared as I came undone in his arms. “Yea, there it is Tange, you my Chieftess,” he moaned groaning against my mouth as we came together. Minutes passed before either one of us said anything.

“I love you Tange, never forget that,” Joe whispered taking me in a loving kiss as I cried just feeling overwhelmed. “I love you too, but I don’t want to feel obligated to stay,” I whispered as he wiped my tears.

 “Obligated....Woman I ain’t going nowhere, you're perfect in every way. You were made just for me, and it ain’t for nobody else to understand but us,” he whispered as I laid my head on his shoulder as he caressed my back.

After the baby shower Joe and I grabbed a late dinner. I had made the mistake of going on Instagram after Joe had posted a picture of us on our dinner date. Some fans were nice, but a few had said some harsh things to say about me.  Apparently, I’m plain and shouldn't be seen on his arm. Some even pointed out my slight weight gain. I know Joe loves me but things like that can really damage a person’s self-esteem.  

“Baby don’t let them ruin our night, don’t even think about it” he whispered pulling me closer as I pushed the thoughts out of my mind as we just enjoyed being together.

---------------------------------------------------------

Beyoncé Renaissance Concert

Financial Ford Field Philadelphia, PA

Jey’s POV

“Bro! I didn’t think you were doing it tonight. Yes, you know we got you!” Trin all but screamed as I laughed at Jimmy covering her mouth. “Damn girl, he don’t want everybody to know what he bout to do,” Jimmy scolded as we were waiting for Shantell to come out of the bathroom.

“Sorry ya’ll the baby was sitting on my bladder,” Shantell said walking up to us just glowing, her belly swelled with our son. Only three more weeks and we could finally hold him. This was one of her Pre-push gifts, the show had been canceled months ago due to scheduling conflicts. It worked out right on time with the scheduling as we had a show last night here in Philly.

Shantell’s POV

Jey is acting really weird tonight, almost like he’s nervous about something. Then Trin and Jon movin’ kinda funny, my thoughts were interrupted as I saw the set.  “Holy Shit!” I exclaimed, taking in the arena and all the sights as people from all walks of life were there for one thing, to see Beyoncé do her thing. The outfits were fierce up in here and people were being themselves, letting it all out for the world to see.

I can honestly say Trin, and I were acting like teenagers as the guys were slightly vibing. I don’t know many dudes who would take their girl to a Beyoncé concert, act like her bodyguard, and vibe wit her. “Babe, where did you go?” I asked, turning around after not feeling his arms around me anymore.

“You live on Instagram?” I asked, smiling as I saw the light from Jeys’s phone as he smirked at me. “We out here ya’ll, this is one of my baby's pre-push gifts. Tell the people, hey and you too sis,” he said as Trin and I smiled and waved at the camera.

“Oh, shit this our part,” Trin yelled as we began singing to each other. “Get in formation wit ya’ll bad self,” Jimmy said hyping us up, laughing.

“Ok ladies now let’s get in formation; you know you that bitch when you cause all this conversation. Always stay gracious best revenge is yo paper,” we sang doing a little of the choreography as Jey flipped the camera back to him and Jimmy holding up their drinks.

“Ya’ll two stop flexing for the camera, and come dance wit us,” Trin shouted as Jey smiled. “Well, ya’ll heard my sister, I’ll hit ya’ll up later,” he said ending his live.  

Jey’s POV

“You ready tonight, Bro, it’s on you,” Jimmy said pointing at Shantell and Trin dancing. “Nervous as fuck, but I’m ready," I whispered as he laughed at me. “You know I got yo back bro, the skybox is almost done, and here is the ring, “he said slipping it in my hand.  

 “Hey, could you take our picture?” I asked a fan, who seemed happy to do so. We took a couple separate and group pictures. “Ya’ll, I got to pee again,” Shantell said as she shook her head in disbelief. The first interlude was about to start so we made our way to the restrooms.

“I’m sorry my bladder is controlling the night,” Shantell said as Trin laughed. “Don’t do my nephew like that, he’s nervous with all this loud music Trin said. “Then you shakin’ my baby with all that dancing, “I added as Jon and Trin laughed at Shantell shooting me a bird, rolling her eyes.

“Trin, you ain’t coming wit me?” Shan asked as she shook her head no about going to the bathroom wit me. “Ok, I think ya’ll up to no good, but I’ll let ya’ll have it though,” she said going to the restroom to relieve myself again.

________________________________-

Trin’s POV

“We're going up to make sure everything is good,” I said as Jon ran to get some ice. “I can’t believe you posted that group picture on Instagram;” I laughed looking at his post. Jey was smiling big as hell, one hand holding up the ring box above Shantell’s head.

His other hand was on Shantell’s belly as Jon and I held one finger over our lips, signaling to keep quiet. The heading read “No better place than this to ask for forever, cause I’m dangerously in love wit you.”

 “You damn big sap, these folks going nuts on this post,” Jimmy said walking up looking at his Jey’s Instagram post.

“Now what if Shantell sees this,” I asked as Jey held up her phone. “I got this sis, just make sure they got the skybox done,” he said as I hugged him. "I got an idea, use this to cover her eyes," I said giving him the scarf from my outfit.  “What would I do without you Trin?” he whispered as I saw the apprehension in his eyes.

“She’s going to say yes,” I said reassuring him as he took deep breaths trying act normal as Jimmy and I went to the skybox.

Jey’s POV

I hope she says yes, I mean these last few months have been crazy, but one thing remains the same is that I love her. “Hey, where did they go?” Shantell asked coming out pushing her dress down a little further. 

“They are waiting for us upstairs, they upgraded us to the skybox,” I said quickly as she looked at me strangely as I walked around and put the scarf over her eyes. “What are you up to now?” she asked as I laughed.

“Nothing just humor me please,” I said leading her on the elevator. “You know this is kinda kinky, I mean sex in the elevator with me blind folded,” she laughed as I gently pushed her against the wall tasting her lips.

“I could take yo ass right here right now, don’t tempt me,” I growled kissing her again as she moaned pulling me closer before the elevator opened breaking up our moment.

Baby I love you

You are my life

My happiest moments weren't complete

If you weren't by my side

“Babe, I hear my favorite song hurry up,” she whined as I smiled leading her down the long walkway up to the skybox. She cheekily complained that her favorite song was going to be over before I got her to the skybox.

We finally made it as I got a quick chance to look around at the dim room lit by the flameless candles with rose petals everywhere.  It was truly beautiful; I felt my heart racing as I led her to the middle of the room as Trin was recording.

Beyonce’s voice, so powerful and clear was definitely increasing the emotion of the moment for everyone as I saw my mother in the corner bawling her eyes out taking pictures on her phone. I see Tanya smiling brightly at me leaning on Jimmy trying to hold it together as he whispered something to her.

Later on in my destiny

I see myself having your child

I see myself being your wife

And I see my whole future in your eyes

“Jey, I swear! If I miss the queen singing this song, I’m gon’ be mad as hell with you,” she said laughing lightly as I kissed her gently to shut her up.

I gave the signal to Jimmy as I dropped down to one knee, opening the ring box as he removed the blindfold from Shantell’s eyes.

Thought of all my love for you

Sometimes make me wanna cry

Realize all my blessings

I'm grateful

To have you by my side

Shantell’s POV

What is going on? I can’t think, as I see Jey on his knees gazing lovingly at me, I feel overwhelmed and still unsure as to what he’s doing. I looked around our mothers, this beautifully decorated candlelit room, and don’t even get me started on Beyoncé sangin' her ass off behind him.

I am in love with you

You set me free

I can't do this thing

Called life without you here with me

Cuz I'm dangerously in love with you

 I know he ain’t gon’ propose, I can’t breathe. Shantell calm yo ass down and breathe I thought placing my hand on my heart trying to get myself together. Jey, knowing me better than anyone could sense I was getting overwhelmed.

“It's ok baby, I got you,” he whispered, as I could tell he was even more nervous than before.

I'll never leave

Just keep loving me, the way I love you loving me

I am in love with you(i'm so in love)

You set me free

Oh my god,” I whispered silently crying as he gently took my hand. “Baby, what are doing?” I asked trying to control my tears but it was not working.

“I told you I wanted forever Shantell, I meant that. My life just don’t make sense without you in it.  “I want,” he started but paused for a second. I could tell he was overwhelmed himself trying to think of the right words to say.

“I need you here wit me. All this ain’t nothin’ if ya’ll ain’t wit me,” he said, his eyes never leaving mine trying to not let his own tears fall as he gently touched my stomach.

“I can’t believe you did all this,” I cried covering my face knowing I looked a hot mess.

I can't do this thing

Called life without you here with me

Cuz I'm dangerously in love with you

I'll never leave

Just keep loving me, the way I love you loving me

“Look at me baby,” he lovingly commanded as I tried to wipe my tears as he slipped the ring on my finger. “It’s always been you since the first day I laid eyes on you. Will you marry me, Shantell?” he asked, his voice breaking full of emotion as finally a few tears escaped his eyes.

Cuz I'm dangerously in love with you

I love you

I love you

I love you

“Sis! Wake up, this is really happening!  You betta nod yo head, or say something so we can plan this wedding!” Trin yelled as I laughed through my tears. Leave it to Trin to lighten the moment as I kneeled down taking his face in my hands.  

“Ask me again,” I whispered as he smiled kissing my hand. “ Shantell Johnson will you marry me?” he asked again, his eyes overtaking me as the love in his eyes shined so brightly. I nodded trying to find my words as his smile got bigger.

Dangerously

Dangerously

Dangerous...

Dangerously in love

With you...

I love you

“Is that a yes, tell me it is,” he pleaded as I finally found my voice.  “Yes! Yes!  I exclaimed through my tears. “A thousand times yes,” I whispered, crashing my lips against his as he wrapped his arms around me, lifting me into the air. I could hear the cheers in the skybox as the lights flashed off and on a couple times before staying off.

“She said yes! Congratulations Shantell and Joshua,” I heard Beyoncé say as the crowd cheered, without a beat she went back to singing.

I love you

I love you

I love you

Dangerously in love

“Wait did Beyoncé just congratulate us,” I asked against his lips as he smiled. “Don’t worry bout my connections, I got you,” he said kissing me again before we were pulled apart.

“Let me see the ring again!” My mom shouted as I hugged her. “How did you get here?” I asked, trying to fix my face which I knew was a mess from all the crying I had done. “My future son-in law worked it all out,” my mom said inviting Sandra over as she gave me a hug.

“I never knew my son was such a romantic, I’m really happy for ya’ll sweetie,” she said hugging me as I returned her gesture. “Ok, enough of all this crying! We at a Beyoncé concert, brother just got engaged. Man let’s turn up!” Jimmy yelled, popping a bottle of champagne as Jey walked over to me.

 “May I dance wit my wife now,” he said as I blushed. “Come on Hubby lead the way,” I said smiling as he took me in his arms.

“Man, I better be your maid of honor, I've been putting in work lately,” Trin said as I laughed at her. “You know you are sis,” I said continuing to dance with my soon-to-be husband…. Wow, Husband…. I could get used to that.

------------------------------------

Taraji’s POV

250,345 likes

Uceyjucey She said Yes!

Veiw all 2,560 comments

trinity_fatu Amazing night and proposal! I can’t wait to help plan the wedding. Love you both!

romanreigns Wait a damn minute, I don’t go out wit ya’ll one time and you get engaged! Congrats fam!

WWElover0900 Oh! She got that bed head, and a smile. My boy put a ring on it and tore that ass up last night. Congrats Uce!

Solosikoa Well, I would say welcome to the family, but you been family since day one my sister. I Love ya’ll and Sofia said she calls dibs on being a bridesmaid!

“What! I know he didn’t propose to this slut!” I screamed looking through the pictures and videos on Trin and Jey’s Instagram. “This can’t be happening, a baby, now engaged… This bitch stole my life,” I whispered looking through Shantell’s Instagram, but she rarely posts anything. Her last post was a picture of Jey lying on her stomach from months ago.

 “I think she’s ashamed of him, and he can’t see it,” I said as Tim laughed at me. “Girl, leave them folks alone. Shantell ain’t never really been a social media person because of crazies like your ass,” he said as I rolled my eyes ignoring him. “ I can reach him, I know it,” I said trying to convince myself that I could get Jey back.

“Ok, you gon’ get yourself killed, I can name five problems with your little plan to get Shantell outta the way,” he said smartly.  “What are they?” I asked getting irritated with him doubting me.

“The problems are Jey, Joe, Joseph, Jonathon and Trin. It’s so close to the end of her pregnancy, they are probably on her like white on rice,” he said as I sighed knowing he was right.  I had to let it go. It hurt me to realize it really was over as I finally broke down. My brother hugged me but also started stating the harsh truths and my mistakes.

“You and Jey tried sis, you cheated, and he moved on. You can’t be mad at that; Shantell is really nice and has gone through a lot. Doctors told her she would have a hard time conceiving children, this is her miracle baby,” he said as I looked at him trying to remain neutral. “How do you know that?” I asked as he gave me a hard look.

 “Look, I found out a lot when I was investigating Jey and her for you. She’s been through a lot, just let her be happy ok,” he begged as I let out a defeated long sigh. “I will try, it’s just so hard, she’s living my dream with him,” I cried as my brother nodded in understanding.

“You will be happy sis, you just gotta heal and let this mess go,” he said comforting me. For now, I will let it be, maybe one day I’ll find my happy ending. Maybe one day Jey and I will find each other again.

------------------------------

Shantell’s POV

“Did we really get engaged last night,” I asked Jey again as he smiled brightly at me. I was still in shock as he held up my hand, showing me the ring on my finger.  “Oh, baby it’s real,” he whispered kissing my neck as I sighed turning on my side as his hand caressed my stomach.

 “I’m so huge,” I moaned as he smacked me on the ass. “No, you pregnant with our baby, and that’s all I wanna hear about it,” he growled against my ear entering me swiftly as I gasped at the intrusion.

“Mmhmm, I’m gon’ be in this pussy as much as I can, 'cause when lil man comes I can’t have you for six to eight weeks,” he groaned moving agonizingly slow inside me.

“Mhmm..You can have my mouth baby,” I moaned as he bit my ear, lifting my leg slightly, going deeper. “Oh, I plan on it and then some,” he moaned moving my hair to the side lightly biting, and sucking on my neck.“Baby, go faster,” I groaned at his slow pace.

“I don’t want to hurt you, or the baby,” Jey whispered turning my head slightly taking me in a gentle kiss. “Mmm.. We’re ok, the doctor said it was ok,” I moaned against his lips as he went deeper and deeper with each thrust.

I could hear the slight growl in his throat as he was trying to be tender and loving. “Josh, just fuck me…. Now,” I moaned, nibbling on his lip before attacking his mouth with mine as the little control he had was slipping slowly but surely.

“Shit! You want me to fuck you,” he growled against my mouth as I whimpered “Yes, Daddy,” his resolved crumbling as he snapped his hips as I began thrusting hard and rough inside me. “You wanted daddy’s dick rough huh,” he whispered against my ear as I groaned at his words and his control over my body.  

“Yes! I wanted it hard, and rough daddy!” I screamed as he took me harder “I’ll give it to you baby,” Daddy gon’ always give you what you want,” he moaned as my body was on fire. “Daddy, I’m so close,” I whimpered feeling that familiar tingling all over my body.

“Oh, I know, he taunted me grazing his thumb across my clit as I screamed in ecstasy. “Shit!  you feel so good!” I cried as he smiled against my mouth.

Jey’s POV

“Damn right it feels good, an ain’t nobody gon’ ever be able to do it like me, “I gasped as I felt her tightening around my dick. “Yea, give it all to Daddy,” I moaned as I felt her shiver with anticipation against me as I continued to thrust deeper inside her, playing with her clit, heightening her ecstasy and mine.

“Cum now Shantell, and you betta squirt all over Daddy’s dick,” I commanded as she came hard and fast on my dick. “Yeah, you always please Daddy,” I praised as I felt her relax against me trying to catch her breath. “That was amazing baby,” she moaned turning her body to face me.

“It's always amazing wit you,” I declared, just staring at her trying to wrap my mind around the fact she agreed to spend her life with me. "You know we gon' live happily ever after right?" I asked as she smiled and gently kissed me. "I know we are baby," she whispered settling into my arms.

------------------------------------

Smackdown

Shantell’s POV

“Hey, it’s time for the injury spot. Camera five and seven it’s all on you,” I said as they rushed to Jey’s dressing room, finding him laid out as Trin and Tamina were screaming for help. “What happened,” Paul asked as Trin got in his face angry.

“Roman and Jimmy happened!” she yelled as he jumped back. “Camera five focus on Jey, camera seven pace between the girls and Paul,” I instructed as I felt someone come sit beside me.

“Hey Montez,” I said smiling at him as he did a little goofy wave. “Hey beautiful,” he whispered, rubbing my shoulder. “Ok, we’re closing out the show on Jey being laid out and Paul looking angry. Get ready ya’ll, EMT workers coming in hot and fast,” I said, as they rushed in moving the girls out of the way.

“Your husband and Roman are in deep trouble, my main event is ruined," Paul said angrily as Trin rolled her eyes. “You don’t think I know that! He betrayed his own brother again; I don’t know how this happened?” Trin cried. “You know Roman got to him,” Tamina said rubbing her shoulder.  

“Until we settle this, you and Tamina are going to be sent home with Jey,” he said as the girls nodded in agreement. The cameras paced between Jey’s prone body and Paul’s worried face.

“Ok we’re off the air in 5,4,3,2,1,” I said looking at Jey laying there looking almost like he’s broken in half, with his limbs contorted. I hate it when he does that.

 I took my headset off as Montez smiled again at me. “Why are you smiling?” I asked. “Well, I love to see you work, you are so intense,” he said making me laugh. “Also, I came to see the new accessory on your finger up close and personal,” he added pointing to my engagement ring.

Jey’s POV

“What the fuck does he want?” I hissed heading towards them as Solo stopped me. “Bro, she accepted your marriage proposal. She loves you, ain’t nobody bout to fuck that up, trust her,” he said pointing at Shantell as I overhead what she was saying.

“Yea, I’m engaged,” she said smiling, making my heart race. “So, are you happy?” Montez asked putting his hand on her leg as I growled. “Chill out, bro,” Solo said as Shantell took his hand off her leg and patted his hand. “Yes, I’m very happy and I wanted to tell you Thanks, for being there when I was sick. Jey told me how you called 911 and helped, “she said giving him a hug.

“It was no problem, gotta protect my friends, right?” He asked as she smiled. “Yea we do, and my first friendship act is giving you Bianca’s number, she likes you,” Shantell said laughing at the shocked look on Montez’s face.

“Girl, don’t play wit yo boy, since when she like me?” he asks stuttering. “Since developmental, I think,” she said as he gave her his phone to log in Bianca’s number.

“See nothing to worry about, that woman crazy bout yo jealous ass,” Solo muttered walking away as I approached them.

“What’s up ya’ll,” I said trying to be polite to the guy, I mean he did help save Shantell after all.

Shantell’s POV

“Hey baby, Montez was just leaving,” I said trying to avoid any conflict. “Hey, I meant no harm,” Montez started as Jey cut him off. “Tez, I just wanted to say thanks for calling 911 and helping us that night. I was a real asshole to you,” Jey said as I tried to hide my shocked face. What the hell was goin’ on here?

“It's no problem, that’s what friends do,” Montez said holding his hand out to Jey for him to shake it.  “That they do man, that they do,” Jey said shaking his hand.

“So, I heard you gon’ to try the midwife deal,” Montez said trying to keep the conversation going. “Yea, I am but I’m scared to death,” I said frowning seeing Paul head my way. “Hey, where’s the fire?” I asked as Jey and Montez started taking down the monitors for me.

“I thought I missed you,” he said giving me a hug as laughed. “Paul you gon’ see me every week, the equipment is up in my office at home.  Zoom setup is done, and it’s going to be fine, “I said reassuring him.

“I’m used to you being here, it’s just going’ to be weird is all,” he said as I hugged him again. “Hey, two months will fly by before you know it,” I assured him as we finished cleaning up. My maternity leave starts tomorrow and I'm happy that Jey and I will be home for the next two months. Baby Fatu was officially on the way.

 ---------------------------------

One Week Later

Jey & Shantell's House, Pensacola, FL

Shantell’s POV

“Hey, I don’t want ya’ll to edit my video,” I breathed as I grunted through the pain, talking to our midwife. “What you talking about baby?” Jey asked, rubbing my back trying to help me through the contraction.

 “The clips we saw had music playing, looking so peaceful. They must have been faking, cause this shit hurts,” I groaned leaning back against Jey as he continued guiding me through the contraction.

“Baby, if anybody can do this, it’s you,” he encouraged kissing my temple as Trin came into our room. “Hey, we just got the pool set up in the foyer,” she said smiling at me as I waved at her. "Thanks sis,I said as she blew me a kiss before leaving the room.

 “Do you want to move to the pool Shantell?” Sofia asked as I shook my head no, grunting through another contraction as she was moving around the room.

 I can honestly say Jey has been here every step of the way and so has Sofia. When we talked about our fear of hospitals, Sofia helped us find a midwife and doula to help us out. “Let’s get you walking to progress this labor,” Connie our midwife said handing me my robe as Jey helped me up. “Can we have a minute?” Jey asked as everyone piled out of our room.

“I can’t do this babe, what if something goes wrong?” I cried in pain as Jey pulled me close. “Yes, you can, you are so strong Shan," he said wiping the sweat from my brow as I leaned on him for support through another contraction.

"Ok, happy thoughts. Do you remember what I told you the first time we were together?” Jey asked as I smiled in spite of the pain. “Yes,” I groaned trying to push through the pain as he breathed with me.

“What did I tell you baby?” He asked as I relaxed a bit thankful the pain wasn’t as intense as it had been a few moments before. “You told me I was yours forever,” I panted as he smiled lovingly at me. “You know what else happened that night, we made our baby Shantell,” he said full of pride rubbing his hand over my stomach as I nodded in agreement.

“We’re a family, and when he’s born what did I say was gon’ happen?” he asked his eyes never leaving mine. “We’re going to live happily ever after,” I whispered totally overwhelmed as he kissed me. “Damn right, now let’s do all we can to get him here safely,” he encouraged taking me in his arms as we began walking.

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Jey’s POV

A few hours later I needed a break, I couldn’t stand seeing Shantell in such pain. I’ve never felt more helpless in my life.

“Ya’ll so wrong eating, and Shan can’t hold nothing down,” Trin said pointing her finger at Joe and Jimmy. “Hey, we are eating it in the kitchen, not in front of her,” Joe said smartly as Tangela slapped him on the back of the head.

 “It’s the principle,” she said giving Trin a high-five. “How is Shantell?” Solo asked as I ran my hand over my face.

“She’s good as to be expected. She’s in a lot of pain and I don’t know what to do. I can’t help her, I just wish she would have gone to the hospital,” I confessed hearing Shantell groaning in the foyer. “You just be there for her, be her strength,” Sofia said rubbing my shoulder.

 “Joshua! Bring some ice up here,” my mom said as I could hear Ma Tanya talking Shantell through a contraction. “Hey, I’ll go back wit you,” Jimmy said as I smiled. “Thanks Uce, I could really use the support, “I said honestly as he followed me back upstairs. Shantell was now in the pool, the sun was setting, our windows allowed for a beautiful view.

I could see Shantell gazing out taking in the beautiful gulf as she was trying to focus. Our doula Rose was instructing her on meditating as she was rocking back and forth trying to center herself. “Good Job Shantell accept the pain, breathe through the nose and out your mouth,” Rose said waving me over to her spot beside Shantell.

Jimmy’s POV

 I ain’t never seen nothin’ like this.  Shantell’s contractions picked up really fast after we came back upstairs about an hour ago, and she’s finally pushing. My nephew was going be born any second, man the power of a woman.  Shantell looked so exhausted but was truly a superwoman right now.

“Ahhh! I can’t push no more! I ain’t got nothing left Josh,” Shantell cried as my brother seemed to slip into another gear.  He jumped in the pool with her, pulling her between his legs, holding her as she begged him to get out. “Josh, it’s going to be blood, and everything else in this pool,” Shantell said trying to get him out.

“Do you really think I care? I ain’t going nowhere, I can shower later. Let’s get lil Uce out,” Jey encouraged as my mom was feeding her ice while Tanya was keeping a cool towel on her head. They were all working well with the midwife and doula. I stood back out of the way but was ready to jump in to help if need be.

“Shit! Ring of fire, ring of fire! Ahh!! Sorry for cussing mama!” I Shantell screamed pushing through her pain as Jey rubbed her stomach, gently kissing her neck. “I know you in pain baby, do what you gotta do,” Tanya said almost in tears, I know it had to be hard for her seeing Shantell in pain. Hell, it's breaking me down myself.

 “Lil Uce, it’s time to come on out now. Yo mama is tired son,” Jey said as Shantell relaxed against him.

Shantel’s POV

I felt a slight pop on the last push as I leaned against Jey. “You doin so damn good baby, you got this,” Jey praised as my mom kissed my cheek.

“Stop for a second Shantell, I want you and Josh to reach down and feel Connie said. Reaching down I felt some hair “Is that him?” Jey asked looking at Connie smiling. “Yes, that’s the baby’s head,” she said as I felt overwhelmed and relieved at the same time. It was almost over, and I could hold him in my arms.

“He’s almost out,” I moaned against Jey’s chest as he held me tighter, I could hear the excitement in his voice. “Yea!  He's comin' baby, he waitin' on his mama to help him out. Let’s go baby,” he said not knowing his words were making me feel like a could run a marathon if needed.

“Holy Shit! This is crazy!” Jimmy exclaimed, squatting down beside us leaning over Jeys’s shoulder in amazement as I continued to push.

“Watch yo mouth boy,” Sandra said smiling moving to the opposite side of the pool with her phone taking her own pictures. “Sorry mama,” he muttered with a smile. “He’s right there sweetheart, you can do it!" my mom exclaimed trying to keep her tears at bay.

It was like the world stopped as I felt a huge release from my body as I fell against Jey. “Looks like you got your wish Mr. Fatu, It’s a boy,” Connie said as she placed our son on my chest. His strong cries filled the foyer as I heard the cheers from downstairs.

 “Yooo! You fuckin’ superwoman you hear me baby? You can do anything baby,” Jey praised against my neck hugging me tight as I tried to control my tears looking at this little miracle we made. “We did it, Josh. We did it," I whispered wincing at the cramping I was now feeling, but it was all worth it.

“You want to cut the cord daddy?” Connie asked as Jey looked at her nervously. “If I can,” he said as she guided his hand in separating our son from the cord that had gave him nutrients while he was inside me. “I love you so much, “he whispered kissing me as I sighed against his lips.

“I love you more,” I proclaimed, kissing him again before looking down at our son. “We been waiting on you Joshua, mommy and daddy love you so much,” I whispered kissing his little head rocking him in my arms. “He’s so beautiful sweetheart,” my mom said as Jimmy rubbed Jey’s shoulder.

"Are you ok Shantell?" Connie asked as she saw me wince in pain. "I'm having some cramping," I confessed as she nodded at me in understanding.  “Shantell, we got to get the afterbirth out, that’s why you're cramping. Daddy, can we have the pool?” Connie asked Jey as he complied, kissing us both before getting out.

“Josh, you wanna hold him?” I asked, smiling tiredly as he anxiously but carefully took our son and held him against his bare chest. Little Jousha molded perfectly into his dad’s arms, grasping his finger.  “You did good sis,” Jimmy whispered looking at his nephew in amazement in his brother’s arms. “Bro, he’s here,” Jey said, his voice breaking as he cradled him closer to his chest.  

“Bro, this my son,” he whispered, breaking down covering his face with one of his arms, almost hiding himself as Jimmy wrapped his arms around his twin and nephew gently. "You did so good baby, he's perfect my mom," said hugging me as I finally felt my body relaxing truly.

Sandra walked over to her boys, placing one hand on little Joshua’s head as Jimmy pulled her closer to them. After a few minutes of silence, she began praying in Samoan over them. This is truly a day I will never forget. Little Joshua was finally here, and I couldn't be happier. Every pain I felt over these last 15 hours has been worth it and I would do it again in a heartbeat.

-------------------------------------------------------

A Few hours Later

Joe’s POV

“So what’s this little guys name,” I asked caressing his little foot as Tangela held him. “His name is Josuha Edward Fatu,” Shantell said smiling as Aunt Sandra began crying. “You ok mama,” Jey asked as she waved off his concerns. “I’m good son, I just really miss your uncle sometimes. He always knew how to put me in my place,” she said as Jey laughed.

“I know he did,” he said winking at her as she smiled. “So, when is the wedding?” Trin asked taking little Joshua from Tangela.  “Guys I just pushed a baby outta my cookie jar, can we hold off about wedding plans. We ain’t even been engaged a month,” she said closing her eyes taking a deep breath as Jey laughed.

“Ya’ll heard the lady; we got plenty of time. Ya’ll just make sure you there when we tell you the date,” Jey said confidently.

Shantell’s POV

“It could even happen in a WWE Ring,” Jey said smartly as I rolled my eyes at him. “Nah, WWE ain’t bout to lights, camera, action our wedding. Not on your life Fatu, so don’t even think about it, “I said laughing at his antics.

“Hey anything can happen under them hot lights on a Friday or Monday night. Remember that’s how we met,” Jey said as I smiled in remembrance before kissing him. “Yea, I remember,” I whispered feeling so full of love for him, and our family.

I didn’t know what was next, but I knew this man was my soulmate, and I couldn’t wait to see what the future had in store for us.

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Uceyjucey ua iinei lo matou atalii (Our son is here)

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[hwnglx]

What does itzy's yuna think of skz hyunjin and vice-versa??

i enjoy doing these a lot, actually. they're nice to write on the side while my big readings are still wips ৎ୭

what do they think of each other? yuna + hyunjin

based on tarot. i do not know these idols personally. energies are always changing. what i say is NOT straight fact. pls take it with a grain of salt!

(pls note that these are their subjective opinions on each other, doesn't necessarily have to mean it's all true!)

what does yuna think of hyunjin? lov+9ofsw, herm, 8ofp, 7ofw

yuna sees hyunjin as a very conflicted person. i can sense her thinking he's a guy who's had to deal with many struggles in life, especially when it comes to love. she believes he's had a hard time chosing between his head and his heart, and is constantly torn between his emotional and more rational side. the challenges he's had to face in the past have lead to him becoming more closed off in her eyes.

yuna also sees him as someone who can get defensive fairly quickly, due to him just taking things personally real fast. like you'll tell him he looks good today, hyunjin will immediately be like "oh, so i usually look ugly?" i can tell she thinks hyunjin is a pretty complex and more complicated person, who isn't as easy to be close to. in her eyes, he's more of a loner, who prefers his alone time. someone who's always on this journey of self-discovery, a very deep thinker. she also acknowledges him as a very hard worker who puts a lot of effort into improving himself in various ways, whether that's on a professional or more personal level.

what does hyunjin think of yuna? queofp, star, 4ofc, sun, emper, knofsw&6ofc

hyunjin perceives yuna as a hard working girl with a lot of star power. the type of personality that was made for the idol life. mature beyond her years, very clear on what she wants, as well as self-assured and comfortable in her skin. he also thinks of her as someone who can have a positive impact on people's moods, someone who will light up situations with her bright and positive nature.

there seems to be some negative emotions he can't fully let go of from the past. i feel like they might've had their fair share of arguments when they were younger, with a lot of sharp and immature words being thrown around. although it doesn't seem to be something that heavily impacted his view of her in a harsh way, i can sense him thinking "she's so inconsiderate." like, she isn't someone of very emotional nature and therefore struggles understanding people who are heavily consumed by their emotions. he thinks she's a person who doesn't really care about others, and is pretty self absorbed. the type of unbothered person who will shrug certain situations off as long as they don't affect her directly.

[invisibleperiwinkle]

i’m back with more percy jackson show gripes

this one will be shorter i promise, but it bothers be almost as much as the annabeth thing

gabe.

1) HE DOESNT SUCK ENOUGH

2) him being nosy and opening the box instead of sally using medusas head on him RUINS a really cool plot

let’s start easy. GABE DOESNT SUCK ENOUGH.

for starters there is not ONE singular mention of gabe smelling horrible. AND THATS THE WHOLE REASON SALLY IS WITH HIM. BECAUSE HE SMELLS SO BAD PERCY IS SAFE.

SO that’s kinda an important plot point to mention.

also nothing about him in the show is believable enough to be a lazy abusive asshole like he is in the books, musical, AND percy jackson movies.

frankly the movies do the best job of all the adaptations of how much he sucks. he’s fat and lazy and ugly and just the WORST and we see him going on the news about percy like in the books.

there is barely anything in the show that says “this guy is an asshole, and not just some dude who has it out for percy”

Now for the biggy.

Sally not using medusas head on gabe wrecks sally getting her life back. there’s a whole thing in the book of how both percy and poseidon himself have told sally that they’d do anything for her to get out of there

poseidon literally offers her a different life. A FUCKING GREEK GOD. offering her a second shot of life.

but sally is sally and says that if she’s going to live her life she’s going to do it herself

so instead of having a beautiful story of an abused woman taking back her life and starting her journey of self discovery and better things and actually being able to achieve her dreams, we get a load of shit.

sally literally deserves the world and she’s such a strong character and we see that from the beginning with all the sacrifices she makes.

so instead of doing one thing for herself by getting rid of gabe and selling his statue and making a ton of money from it, it’s just gabe being nosy.

and i don’t care if you don’t want to expose kids to abuse and that whole side of things. A) kids already are, it’s a good chunk of why kids find comfort in the percy jackson series i’m willing to bet. B) you don’t even have to show it! you can have sally mention it in passing and leave us to infer what we know

so yeah. writers yet again taking away CRUCIAL things from strong women.

[philosophermalcolmtucker]

Sooooo......do let me have your thoughts on The Charioteer 🥺

AHHH dear this book means the whole world to me! This is the first works of Mary Renault as well as one of the first queer literature (together with Brideshead, Maurice and David Blaize) I read. (Quite a long time ago…… used to track livejournal “Mary's Handmaidens” to read the discussions and fics there🥺) It left an indent in my brain that I will never forget, that love is an all-consuming uncontrollable magnetism that we cannot fight against-love is the shining sliver of hope when hopelessness makes us cave on ourselves or lean on visionary hope. And I doubt anyone who read the book would ever forget such a charismatic character that is Ralph Lanyon.

Tho reading such a book full of things not said, or said elliptically, or only alluded to, or deliberately coded – at times indeed feels like fumbling in the dark. All the more so cos admonitions to himself aside, Laurie imo is hardly clear-thinking or a complete reliable narrator at all times. But I do so enjoy Laurie’s journey of self-discovery and reconciliation with himself and his identity. As it simply resonates with oneself sometimes- the tension between fear and longing, the inner struggle for truth and integrity in one's personal life.

And tbh the love “triangle” never feels counterbalanced to me actually. Andrew, despite (or because of) his ideals, feels really insubstantial at all times; he is, imo, seen primarily through the lens of idealized, disembodied, almost passive devotion to chasing a belief of Laurie’s own (as well as his idealization of Ralph in 19).

While Ralph, imprints himself strongly on us readers through his actions, words, and physicality. He does not vest any particular pride or integrity or sense of self in the queer community around him, but rather in the way he acts and takes responsibility for himself and friends (Alec, Bim, Sandy, etc…) –in his behaviour towards others and his actions in relation to his own principles. Moreover, as Ralph is in fact just as much an idealist as Laurie and the biggest romantic in the book. (Quit denying, Ralph. You old sap.) “When I heard you were dead, it seemed inevitable somehow. And after that, so did everything else.” And when Spud reappears in his life- “Do you believe in luck?” “I’m a sailor.” URGHHHHHHH *ugly sobs* It is undeniable that it is Ralph who believes most unwaveringly in love, united, in heart, mind, body and soul.

It was also Ralph, as well as TC that taught me what it means to know and be known in one’s entirety. “Not just for what you are, but what you do with it.”

OH and one character aside from the protagonists I find fascinating: Actually it’s Bim! I so want to learn more about his crush on Ralph and what happened on their car trip from the party🤭

[amalthiaph]

Random ask time!!

How did you develop your art style?

Who is your favorite to draw?

Hello! TYSM for the Ask!

Q1. How did you develop your art style?

It was a three-year journey of self-discovery, art envy, hard work, and fixation to a single OC.

And this is fun to answer because I came prepared and I have a Powerpoint Presentation for this one (I created this for a talk about digital art that I gave to one university earlier this year).

I started with something really close to realism. I did this maybe because I wanted to learn how to draw features like eyes, nose, hair, etc.

A few months into it, I started to develop my own way of drawing these features. One of my moots said that my signature was the nose, that I had this distinct way of drawing nose that once they see it, they'd say "Amalthia drew this."

Once I established my 'own way of drawing things' I started to play with brushes and textures.

I continued on to straying far from realism that little by little, my art becomes more and more 'geometric'. Then I got fucking sick of it. My little sister was watching the Tangled series and it was that moment that I pointed to the screen and said, "that's what I want to do".

However, that was still not the end for me. I went on too saying 'too geometric' and then, 'ugh now it's nearer to realism and I don't like that anymore'.

And that's how I arrived to my July 2023 art style; flat but not too flat, geometric but not too geometric, semi-realistic but not too much.

So, to answer the question: draw till you hate drawing it. Because that is when you try things. You hate how that looks like? Change it. You think the hair's too ugly? Try a new technique.

Q2: Who is your favorite to draw?

Okay, at this point, it's obvious that I love drawing THAT original character. Her name is Shelby. I love drawing her because she's mine, and she was the first ever character to be mine. On the art side of things, I draw her a lot because I had memorized her face so much that I can easily play with her appeareance.

Now, for Star Wars, I love drawing Hunter, Tech, Bo-Katan, Riyo Chuchi, and Hera Syndulla.

I like drawing Hunter because of his hair. Hair is always my favorite part to draw. I always love adding little strays, I like to think that it adds beauty to the artwork, and with Hunter I can just do that (except for that one time I drew him with wet hair).

I like drawing Tech because I think his face screams geometry. It doesn't make sense, I know but that's how I see him. With his design, I can easily play with shapes. So it's really good practice for me.

For Bo-Katan, it was also the hair for me. There's a certain way I draw short straight hair and I think I did it best with Bo-Katan.

Riyo, for me, is one of the best designed characters in Star Wars and that is why I love drawing her. I've drawn her three times by now. I love her hairstyle. And as much as I can't add little strays to it, its texture or having to add texture to it makes drawing her really fun for me.

I love drawing Hera because I LOVE TWI'LEKS.

Last one, I like drawing characters played by Ming-Na Wen. It all started with my Mulan art (which I've been planning to redraw) and then I drew Fennec.

Man, I hope this makes sense.

[valkyrieandstrangeridingaragorn]

Hi! I want to share what may be a controversial hot take with you, I don't know. But I would really like to know your opinion!

Is it just me, or should identity not be this much of an issue with characters who are gods? I mean, the MCU has Thor trapped in an endless loop of journeys of self-discovery. They have Loki trapped in an endless loop of self-sacrifice, now quite literally trapped. They have Sylvie moping around in bars and working at McDonald's, and they have Valkyrie cutting ribbons at ice cream parlor openings. Isn't all a little too mundane? I understand that they must feel a need to make these characters relatable to an extent, but to cut them down so low and make them so lowly that we're rolling our eyes and actually pitying them. Why?

These characters are gods! They should be embracing it, owning it, unapologetically! Thor should be king of Asgard by now! With Loki beside him, driving him crazy and keeping him on his toes, making wonderful chaos and mischief everywhere! Does Loki want power and a throne? So what if he does! He's a god! He is entitled to power and a throne! Whether anybody likes it or not, Loki IS the son of a king - TWO kings if you want to get technical - so why the F not? These characters should be wild and larger than life! Unmanageable and untamable. They should only be rising in power, not taking orders at Mickey D's or wearing ugly brown 3-piece suits getting pushed around by brainwashed mortals!

I just think the quest to humanize and normalize and make these characters relatable has completely ruined them. It took all the fun out. The wonder and magic is gone. The fantasy is gone. The escapism is gone. What do you think?

Hi honey! Sorry for the delay in answering.

I mostly agree with everything you say here. It's like they want these grand characters to be humanized so they can be relatable, but in order to do that they get rid of everything that makes them different from human characters so they all end up being pretty samey.

I do believe that the journey of discovery can be done with any character, be it the most powerful ones or the non-powered humans, but the journey should be completely different... just like the outcome. A human can strive to discover who they are and own it by ending up working as a barista at a cafe. But a god (or a goddess in this case) should not be waiting tables at a McDonald's in hers. You can still make her relatable while keeping her godlike status!

At the end of the day, if you want the non-powered characters and the OP ones to go through the same path and end up in the same spot then... what's the difference between them? If you change Sylvie's name and she's called Victoria and she's a 26-year-old human from Italy, does the story really change that much?

What I mean is those stories should be personalized to each character so that the journey only makes sense for that specific character, but instead all those stories are pretty standard to the point that they would fit a god, a regular hero and a dumb citizen.

It was very painful seeing Valkyrie doing TV commercials while New Asgard is a freaking tourist attraction. Was that really necessary? Showing the Asgardians as just regular people now who dress like humans, work like humans, and their King is a celebrity who announces drinks on TV? That's not making them relatable, that's ridiculing them.

I don't mind Thor not being King of (New) Asgard because he gave up the throne in TDW and I like the idea of him giving up that power after he saw what it did to Odin... but why can't we have a scene where he says just that? Where he explains it? We just see him giving it up and handing it over to Valkyrie like it doesn't matter to him and that's a big disservice to his character and the story throughout his trilogy.

Unfortunately, Marvel has been on a path of normalizing anything magic - just see what they did to the Mirror Dimension in NWH. It's just geometry! Nothing special about it! It's super dumb! Ugh. (I'm still mad about that, as you can see lol). It feels like lazy writing, not enough focus on characterization and world building and an obsession with meme-making that actively goes against the story 🤷‍♀️

[randomgentlefolk]

HEYYYYYY it's me. yk. agua (billingal win)

for the CPC ask bestie westie - 🕵️‍♀️ , 🎸(asking the controversial questions frfr) :3 :3 (eats your blog(

OHOHO You know the good questions, alright XD

🕵 = unpopular opinion?

May I say more than 1?

I haven't seen much people say this so I assume it's an unpopular opinion

1. Leopold still gotta apologize to Jamie, man. I mean, calling him hideous? That's kinda, nah..

Also Gwen's reaction to Jamie being called hideous doesn't really satisfy me. I mean, she knows how it feels to be called smth like that so I expected she would be more defensive to Leopold. Maybe say something like, "Hey, don't say that!"? Or anything similar to that but more softspoken considering her personality.

2. Blaine still owes so many apologies to Lance and Frederick (is this an unpopular opinion?)

Look, don't get me wrong here. I'm glad Blaine is going on a self discovery journey and all, but he could at least bid farewell to his family first. Not to mention, he was supposed to be the king, right? I assume he already study a lot for that so really, he could've taught Frederick a thing or two. I just really want the plaid family (minus Leland) to actually bond together as a healing family, man... Also i feel bad for Isolde, y'know?

3. I'm just gonna rip it off like a bandage, the plaid princes not ruling the kingdom together.

I know, I know, they all have each their own dreams and aspirations. I love that! Really, I do. But damn.. Imagine all of them ruling the kingdom together! That would be so cool?! Like, each of them sharing their own perspective on things. Maybe I'm just desperate for more Plaid Princes content :') Their relationship at the epilogue just kinda dissappoint me, aha..But! At least each of them got their own happy endings, so I'm thankful for that.

🎸 = favorite fan theory?

To be honest this is a hard one...Mostly because I've already forgotten most cpc theories aha. But I do remember one I quite like. The theory that Leland pushed Blaine away at the dungeon because he was momentarily possessed by Leelathae who was angry that Blaine called Gwen ugly. I just think it's neat and pretty sweet.

Also the theory that Nell's parents ate the omniscient clam still makes me giggle to this day. It makes sense but it just kinda sound silly XD

Oh! Oh! The uh, the theory regarding what each of the Plaid princes and Pastel princesses costumes mean! Like the correlations between Frederick and The Little Prince! That is also cool!!

I might reblog with more fan theories if I remember them, but for now this is what I got.

[nysocboy]

Glamorous: Be as femme as you wanna be, especially when you are surrounded by mega-hunks

Glamorous, on Netflix: Make-up obsessed Marco gets a dream job at a glamour firm, starts a journey of self-discovery, and falls in love with a man. The episode descriptions use "he/him" pronouns, but Marco is played by  -- and based on the experiences of -- trans actress Miss Benny.  So maybe he'll be coming out as trans at some point.

Scene 1: Marco awakens.  He's a boy with a femme girl hairstyle and a room decorated with pictures of high-heel shoes.  Asking himself if "the struggle to be a grown-up is realer than real," he puts on his frilly pink gown and heads for the makeup table -- well, more like a makeup warehouse, puts on his face, and starts talking to his internet followers: "I am a makeup artist and beauty industry professional who works with all the major brands, including Glamorous by Madolyn."  Looks like he's already pretty self-discovered.

But in real life, he has a part-time job behind the make-up counter at a department store, he has minimal followers, and his Mom, whom he claims "helps with my content," could not be less interested. But does that stop the dynamo make-up artist?  Nope. "We're going places!"

Scene 2: Mom has called in some favors and enrolled Marco in a paralegal training program.  Do you need to call in favors for that?  Can't anyone enroll? "But Mom, I already have a job!"  "It doesn't pay anything.  You're 22 years old: start taking your life seriously, and start paying me rent!"   Settle, dude.  You know how many famous make-up artists there are out there?  

Scene 3: At the mall, Marco sees his idol, Madolyn, looking at a display of her own products. She explains that she's doing important research in her customers' buying habits.  It's not just about the make-up, dude.  "I'm a customer!"  "Ok, let's see what you got.  Give me a makeover."  

Marco goes to work, while criticizing his idol's make-up! Smooth move, dude. It's not selling.  Customers consider it safe and banal.  They want fantasy.  "When I do my makeup in the morning, I want magic!  I want to feel like a star!"  

Madolyn is mesmerized.  No one has criticized her for 20 years. "You have some important things to say about makeup.  Want a job?" 

Scene 4:  Marco going to work in a glass-and-steel skyscraper.  At least he gets to wear his high heels and a totally femme hairstyle.  The first assistant, Venetia, introduces him to Madolyn's son Chad (Zayne Phillips, top photo), who is in a meeting while running on a treadmill....with his shirt off....um, his muscles gleaming....um...does he need a personal assistant?  

"Is this the superstar Mom hired from the mall?" Chad asks. Superstar?  I thought he was just opinionated.  Then he criticized Marco for wearing heels: "I'm gay, but I'm not...gay."  The word you're looking for is "femme," as in the Grindr ads: "No femmes, no fats."

Next on the tour: Product Design, and another gay guy, Ben (Michael Hsu Rosen, left), who trips all over his tongue while trying ineptly to flirt.  "He gets like this when he's excited," his coworker explains.  "I don't get like anything when I'm excited, which I'm not," he stammers.  "But I could be."  Dude, are you talking about your penis?

Next up: Social Media Influencer Alyssa, and her assistant Nowhere, a 1960s hippie.  "I'm an influencer, too!" Marco exclaims.  "Yes, but you just have 1,000 followers, and half of them are bots."

Finally Madolyn's office, with all of her awards, magazine covers, mirrors, and make-up.  I'm getting flashbacks to Wilhemina Slater on Ugly Betty. except Madolyn seems much nicer.  Marco the Dope criticizes her again: "You seem very...comfortable!"  "I beg your pardon?  I take chances!  I'm cutting-edge!"

Scene 5: Marco telling his followers about his first week, sugar-coating the slapstick mishaps that we see in a montage.  The First Assistant Venetia discusses with her friend: "He's flopping like a Katy Perry single."  "Good -- then our jobs are secure. If he were doing a good job, we'd have to sabotage him."

Left: Michael Rosen's rear

Scene 6:Madolyn criticizing Super Hunk Chad's ideas for the new line.  "This is exactly what we send to Sephora every year.  We need to be bold -- take chances." 

Chad: "Or we could just sell the company to World-Famous Make-Up Company and be rich(er).  You could even stay on as Creative Director, and I could do something besides sell...ugh...makeup."  Chad's going to be the Big Bad.

More mega-hunks after the break

Scene 7: Marco has the job of picking up the super-important product prototypes and bringing them to the office for the Big Presentation.  He gets into the wrong Uber, and complains to the real passenger, a very muscular Straight Guy (Graham Parkhurst), who takes an Uber to the gym every day, about his various job mishaps.  Straight Guy consoles him.  

Whoops, he left the very important prototypes in the Uber.  There's no way to track them down, since he got in the wrong Uber. Wait -- wouldn't the Uber driver have turned them in at the company office?   Madolyn wants to forgive him, but Super-muscular Chad insists on firing him. 

Scene 8:  Ben, the coworker with the huge crush on Marco, talks to his friend: "Now that he's fired, I could ask him out, but I won't because it would be weird and creepy.  But just in case, do you have his number?"  This is definitely like Ugly Betty, where every straight guy working in an office full of supermodels fell instantly in love with the "ugly" girl.  Well, not Daniel, but they had a "will they or won't they" thing going on for several years.

Meanwhile, Mom tells Marco to fight to get his job back.  The Straight Guy probably picked up the prototypes.  You know what gym he goes to, and the time of day: go find him!  

Left: Straight Guy butt

Scene 9:  Pretending to be a rich white guy, Marco buys a gym membership, with the proviso that he can back out if he's dissatisfied.   Girl, high heels to the gym?  He pretends to work out forever, but Straight Guy never shows up, so he hits the locker room (actually, a lot of semi-private dressing rooms).  And there he is, dawdling at the mirror, wearing only a towel! 

Straight Guy gazes at Marco like he's a pork chop.  "I...um...left something in the Uber yesterday." "I've got something for you right here."  He fumbles with his towel.  Psych!  He's actually heading to his locker to retrieve the prototypes.

"And, by the way, I'm not straight. And here's my number. Bye."  He takes off his towel, flashes his butt, and heads for the showers. 

Scene 9:  Everyone stares as super-fired Marco marches through the office and into Madolyn's meeting to present the prototypes.  Chad scoffs, but Madolyn wants to hear his speech: "I'm not perfect.  I'm bad at math, the oldest movie I've seen is Titanic, and I don't know who Cher is.  But I can learn.  I can grow.  The question is, can you?"  He then criticizes the prototypes as garbage.  Madolyn is impressed; he's re-hired If you want him to advise you on make-up, hire him as a consultant, not a gopher. 

Chad scoffs.  "Curses! Foiled again!" 

Left: Nick Fink, who appears in the cast list but is not in this episodeScene 10:  His first job: fetching coffee and a Vogue for Madolyn and First Assistant Venetia.  Uh-oh, he's sharing an elevator with Ben, the guy with the major crush on him!  He fumbles and stutters until Marco takes pity and asks him out.  Ben melts in ecstasy, then catches himself: "Um..yeah, I guess that'd be cool.  Hit me up." 

Cut to First Assistant Venetia running into Chad in the bathroom.  Venetia is worried that he'll take her job, and Chad, that he'll tank the company with his newfangled ideas. They come up with a plan to "ruin that twink." The end.

Beefcake:  Chad and Parker (Straight Guy), plus a few gym hunks.

LGBTQ Characters: Marco, Chad, Parker, Ben, and -- well, just about everyone.

Femme: No one is bothered in the least by Marco's femme gender presentation.  In fact, it appears to be something of a turn-on to the more masculine-presenting guys. 

Make-Up:  There are a lot of "make-up is the most important thing in the world" manifestos, but we don't actually learn much about make-up.  Why is Madolyn's brand outdated?  What the heck is a gondola?  At least in Ugly Betty, we were told the difference between bad and good fashion.

My Grade: It's rather fun watching a boy be as femme as he wants to be with no kickback, and the hunks competing for his attention are stunning.  I'm just worried that the office-politics plotlines will be a bit old-fashioned.  A-

[jaitropdonglets]

How Forgiving My Mom Led to Greater Healing From Childhood Trauma

Résumé :

Surmonter le traumatisme de grandir dans un foyer et un environnement physiquement et émotionnellement violents avec le narcissisme, l'abandon, la toxicité de la honte, de la culpabilité, de la peur et de la dissimulation ont pris beaucoup de temps.

Pardonner est un cadeau que l’on se fait à soi. Le pardon permet de guérir et d'aller de l'avant sans dépenser continuellement une énergie émotionnelle et mentale inutile et malsaine dans la colère et la douleur.

Maman ne savait pas comment jouer avec ou s'asseoir et nous lire des livres. Elle ne comprenait ni l'importance de prendre du temps pour ces activités d'éducation. Il n'y avait pas de place sur ses genoux, ni de câlins, ni d'échanges déclarés de « Je t'aime ». Et pour nous, il n'y avait qu'une vie de corvées, d'écoles, de devoirs.

Je détestais qu'elle ne me défendait pas ou n'ait pris aucune mesure pour me protéger lorsque x m'a abusé sexuellement.

Le vrai pardon, c'est la libération. Cela ne veut pas dire que je justifie ou excuse la façon dont mes parents m'ont blessé. Je ne connaîtrai jamais la nature exacte de leurs traumatismes à moins qu'ils ne partagent plus d'histoires de leur vie avec moi. Je sais que je suis un être imparfait, tout comme mes parents.

Le pardon me donne la paix et m'aide à accepter ce que je ne peux pas changer. Le pardon me permet d'aimer mes parents dans mes conditions tout en ne me soumettant pas à une douleur continue. Le pardon me rend assez audacieux pour être direct avec eux lorsque cela est nécessaire, pour reculer si nécessaire, et pour s'appuyer, selon la situation.

Le pardon m'a permis de construire ma vie du mieux que j'ai pu, m'aidant à réduire la possibilité de regrets.

7min read

As soon as I forgave Daddy, I recognized a new ugliness and anger welling up in me — one that had been buried under my laser-focused hatred for him and the broken, empty, ashamed, unloved, unwanted, ugly feelings that consumed me through my own childhood mental nurturing and harvesting daily. Now, I needed to forgive my mom, too.

Overcoming the trauma of growing up in a physically and emotionally abusive home and environment painted heavy, thick, and dark with narcissism, cold-shouldering, and abandonment and breathing stifling air infused with the toxicity of shame, guilt, fear, and hiding took a long time.

Forgiving myself

Three decades ago, at the beginning of concrete efforts to find healing from my past, I embraced a journey of forgiveness.

The journey was not direct but one of multiple paths and discoveries.

Initially, I realized I needed to forgive my childhood and young adult self for the hatred I harbored in my heart towards my father.

I wanted to cleanse my heart and spirit of the ugliness planted there and that I had tried so hard — and for so long — to get out.

I understood that forgiveness frees the forgiver — me — first.

Forgiveness allows the forgiver to heal and move forward without continually expending unnecessary and unhealthy emotional and mental energy on anger, hurt, and pain.

I wanted that freedom — anything else was a prison from which I would never be released.

Forgiving Daddy

Forgiving myself allowed me to discover that I needed to forgive Daddy for his wounding me, his failure to protect me, his many broken promises, and his dereliction of duty as a dad.

Once I forgave both myself and Daddy (you can read the story here), my heart, mind, and spirit were able to see beyond the imprisonment of my hate and harbored pain, now released.

Mummy

What I did not bargain for was the almost immediate realization that I would have to go through the same forgiveness journey for my mom.

Today, I know my mom as one of the funniest people you could ever meet. I think she missed her calling as a comedian.

Mummy raised four children independently, as Daddy was often gone, and she fearfully took care of the five of us when he was at home.

Mummy did not know how to play games with or sit and read books to us. She did not understand the importance of or how to make time for these nurturing activities.

There was no sitting on her lap, or hugging, or declared exchanges of “I love you.”

There was no laughter then, either.

There was only work to care for us and the house, cook and sew clothes, and make the occasional homemade bread and ice cream on the weekends.

And for us, there was only a life of chores, school, homework, and church on Sundays and those brief pleasures of homemade bread and ice cream on the weekends, that disappeared the moment they touched our tongues.

I still remember the taste of homemade bread and ice cream.

I remember the transient hot and cold pleasures on my tongue — and how reality immediately whisked them away through swallowing, the same swallowing that allowed me to digest a confused, calamitous, cancerous existence.

And I remember fear — fear that infiltrated the air I breathed with choking, poisonous fumes of pain, heartbreak, loneliness, and loss.

Mummy lived in fear of Daddy’s presence.

And we lived in fear of Daddy’s presence, too.

And no one talked about it — not to us children anyway.

Children were seen and not heard — seen and instructed to do but never encouraged to share what we were worried about, never invited to dialog to understand our existence in a small, cruel world of home that went with us everywhere.

It was all buried.

Buried like the cowering that Mummy did when Daddy’s words and threats filled the air, and the wielded belt wildly cut through that air and against children’s flesh.

Buried like the unanswered prayers for someone — anyone — to save us.

Buried like hope destroyed whenever Daddy came home, parked, the gate opened, and he walked in.

What I hated

The clean spaces in my heart created through forgiving Daddy were quickly filled with another poison — this time for Mummy.

In the freedom that forgiveness gave, I recognized deep anger towards her.

I hated that she kept us in that house of pain and sorrow for so long.

I hated that she never stood up to Daddy when his belt stung, cut, and burnt our skin like the firey welding torches he used at work to cut metal to make police barracks, burglar-proofing, boat trailers, water tanks, and stands — a business that allowed him to prosper financially and enjoy the pleasures of women while we only knew lack, loss, languishing, and pain at home on a street named after the sun and bountiful oxygenated valleys.

I hated that she did not defend me or take any steps to protect me when our neighbor sexually abused me and sat silent as Daddy declared I was a liar, validating my abuser’s words that “no one will believe you anyway.”

I hated that she never sat down with the sad, scared girl I was then to ask what had happened, to explain things to me, and to tell me that it would all be okay. To maybe tell me that my abuser was a liar and that she believed me.

I hated that her cowering and fear extended to not trying to protect me.

And I hated how often she complained bitterly to her sister and mother about her husband and the Daddy we knew, even though everything she said was true.

Because nowhere was there ever talk about trying to be brave, saving her children, saving me — the one who knew the fiery taste of the belt the most, the unwanted touch of a man’s hands, and a persistent fear that abided wherever feet stood, and walked, and ran from words, and hands and belts alike.

Forgiving Mummy, deeper healing, and acceptance

As I journeyed through forgiveness again, I found deeper healing for myself, less hurt, and relief from the pain and loss of a childhood that never was.

I found a measure of acceptance over the loss of mothering that Mummy did not and could not give.

She was an unhealed victim of childhood trauma who was also in a trauma-filled marriage.

She did the best she could.

The outcomes

True forgiveness is liberation. It does not mean that I justify or excuse the way my parents hurt me. I will never know the exact nature of their traumas unless they share more of their life stories with me.

I know I am an imperfect being, just as my parents are.

Forgiveness gives me peace and helps me accept what I cannot change.

Forgiveness allows me to love my parents on my terms while not subjecting myself to ongoing pain.

Forgiveness makes me bold enough to be direct with them when necessary, to pull back if required, and to lean in, depending on the situation.

I choose.

Forgiveness also clarified how I would parent my sons.

I knew all that I would not do to them, what expectations I would have of them, and how much I would try to help them thrive, gradually release responsibility, and set them free, expecting nothing from them.

My sons owe me nothing. They did not ask to be born.

Forgiveness allowed me to craft my life as best I could, helping me to reduce the possibility of regret.

Lessons

Forgiving ourselves and others frees the heart, mind, and spirit from the burdens of anger, hatred, and pain.

Forgiveness is a journey, not a direct path. Relationships are complex, and forgiveness often has many layers.

Forgiveness is an emotional choice that we make — if we believe it is necessary for our healing.

Forgiveness allows the forgiver to move forward and find freedom from emotional and mental imprisonment, which is essential for personal healing, growth, and overcoming traumatic and abusive experiences.

Out of forgiveness comes empathy and understanding, as the forgiver realizes that no one is perfect and wounds can be unintentionally passed on from one generation to another.

Forgiveness is part of breaking the cycles of abuse, trauma, and pain and helps us pass down stories to our children that are free from judgment, anger, and animosity, but are factual and rich in self-recognition, autonomy, self-worth, and emotional and mental liberation.

Forgiveness does not mean maintaining the same social constructs or sustaining family relationships that put ourselves and others in positions for further abuse. Instead, with forgiveness, we can make conscious, peaceful boundary-setting decisions to remove ourselves from ongoing toxicity and stop the perpetration of harm. We can peacefully decide if we want to relate with the forgiven, and on what terms.

Forgiveness is often a one-way street. In forgiveness, the forgiver does not expect remorse, recompense, or change from the forgiven. Instead, forgiveness allows the forgiver to pursue life with deeper peace, acceptance, and minimal regret.

Some may argue that forgiveness can only be a two-way street requiring recognition and remorse of the forgiven for the forgiver’s closure, but often, the forgiven is not present or capable of recognition, remorse, or change of behavior and mindset.

In forgiveness, we take control of ourselves and give ourselves what we determine we need.

[sweetiegirlsue]

diary entry 1 (10/07/23)

i was having the worst week, like the absolute worst week - mentally, physically, emotionally, work-wise. all of it. i felt alone, and hated it, but i also wanted to be alone bc i didn't want to see anyone, or moreover, anyone see me. to the point where i was wondering if i needed to be committed... like that bad. i was wondering why, and i thought maybe it was bc i saw my abuser last week (pure happenstance - that's a story in-and-of itself) for the first time in coming up on a year now, haven't even spoke to him since may. i thought he no longer lived here so i had this false sense of safety but i'll get more into that at a later date. not sure i'm ready to unpack that that trauma, but when i am.... buckle in.

anyways: felt like shit, ate like shit, didn't want to do shit. i was mean to the people i loved and i hated it but i didn't care to change? i was ugly. actually physically as well lol i didn't even care to get ready-ready except for one day out of the entire week. all of this to say... i thought it was because of him and i was losing my mind thinking i was like, broken for real. turns out i was freaking pms-ing. LMAO like seriously why does the bitchy PMS trope get more and more real with age (yes i am 26 yes i am decrepit).

but i feel like that was kind of a symptom of what i've been struggling with lately bc i'm realizing i've completely lost my sense of self. that being said, i'm actively on a journey to self discovery and strengthening my relationship with God. i'm trying to be more present, to stop my thoughts (especially negative ones) in their tracks (something i learned in "get out of your head" by jennie allen). its honestly helping at least a bit, which is what she says in the book - catching even just one negative thought, acknowledging where its coming from then giving it over to God, will change the trajectory of every other thought.

along with that, i'm keeping my social media usage to a record minimum - literally less than an hour a day across all platforms, which has also been very healing. i know its corny to talk about and it really does show my age, but i really feel like we do not need to be consuming the shit that is spoon-fed to us on a daily basis, constantly, on all these platforms. when i fully realized a lot of my thoughts were how i could tweet about something, or make a story about something, or an instagram post. like what the fuck? and for what? it's so nice being able to unplug and reframe my thinking. i've been doing good and i'm liking the breath of fresh air so far.

speaking of fresh air, what made me finally take the time to sit down and journal my thoughts (which is truly just a stream of consciousness) is when i realized what i'm doing at the current moment. i'm sitting on my couch with my patio door open welcoming the morning sun and autumn breeze, drinking coffee and watching netflix all cozy on a cool, fall morning. i'm texting a boy that i used to "date" in middle school and have had a few flings with throughout the years since.

back in middle school i remember around this time of year, sitting on the couch while my parents were at work and my brother was at a friends, watching netflix (and/or playing wii fit) and drinking coffee while texting specifically this boy. it's like i'm taken back to that exact time (except this time i'm indulging in a few joints lol). my inner child is feeling healed and this is the most at peace i've felt in a long time. i usually don't allow myself to rest, i guess i fell as though i don't deserve to (?), so it's nice feeling like i'm allowed to have this time to myself. s/o sex education season 4 <3

in conclusion, this is me documenting the jump start to my healing journey. my focus right now is catching negative thoughts and letting them go, and just being present in the real world. let this be your reminder to pause and actually smell the roses. like literally bend down, put the damn flower to your nose, and smell it when you see one. i'm talking to both me and you on that one.

i hope this is the first of many more diary entries, which i will sign off with the verse OTD:

show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths. guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. (Psalm 25:4-5)

[supernovafics]

✧∘ଂ ࿐ ཾ 𝑷𝑯𝑶𝑵𝑬 𝑪𝑨𝑳𝑳. ✭・.・✫・゜・。.

pairing: ex-bestfriend!steve x fem!reader

word count: 1.7k words

warnings: explicit language, minor angst, a lot of adorableness

series masterlist | last part — final part

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

❝ 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒖𝒍𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒗𝒊𝒐𝒍𝒆𝒕 𝒎𝒐𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒍𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕 𝒃𝒆𝒍𝒐𝒘 𝒕𝒆𝒍𝒍𝒔 𝒎𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒊𝒔 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒕𝒉 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒇𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕. ❞

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Your nervous pacing came to an abrupt halt when the phone call connected and you heard Steve’s voice for the first time in almost two years say a soft, “Hello?”

“Hi… It’s, um, it’s me.” You were unsure why your voice was coming out slightly shaky, but it was. 

Steve breathed out your name and you could hear the nervousness in his voice. “Fuck– Shit– Um, hey.” 

You let out a small laugh because it felt good to know that you weren’t the only one slightly freaking out. “This feels kinda weird, right?”

“Yeah… It does… But a good kinda weird, I think,” He responded and you could feel your nerves easing away at his words because you completely agreed with him. “How have you been?”

“No, no small talk,” You found yourself shaking your head even though he couldn’t see you. “First, I have to say that I can’t believe you work at a video store.”

You heard Steve laugh a bit and you forgot how much you had missed hearing that sound until right then. “Was that really the most surprising part of my letter?” 

“Definitely not, but it’s the first thing I wanna talk about.”

You made yourself comfortable on your bed, glad that the phone cord was long enough that you didn’t need to bring the whole thing from where it was on your dresser. 

On Steve’s end, he took a seat atop his kitchen counter and let his fingers absentmindedly play with the spiral phone cord as he talked to you. 

“It was a last second thing. Needed a job and they were luckily hiring. Definitely would not have gotten it without Robin though, and she still holds that over my head almost every day.”

“Robin?”

“Yeah, she’s a really good friend,” He explained. “Met her when I worked at the mall that summer before it burned down.” 

“Have I been replaced?” You asked with a mock gasp. “I’m completely kidding, by the way. It would make a lot of sense if I was replaced by now.”

“You could never be replaced.”

You let yourself bask in the feeling of how happy his words made you. “I could never replace you either. Do you know how hard it is finding someone with similar parental trauma and crazy good hair?” 

“I’m one of a kind,” Steve said and you smiled into the phone. “Also, it’s very heartwarming to know that my hair is one of my defining qualities for you.”

“Always has been, always will be,” You told him. “Oh my God, imagine if you had a shaved head now. The horror.”

Steve almost laughed at that. “I can assure you that will never happen.”

“What if you go through a phase where you wanna try something different?” You asked, only slightly joking with your question. “Promise me you’ll just buy some new clothes or something.”

“I promise. But, the last time I wanted to try something different was seventh grade, so I think the ship of me wanting to try new things has pretty much sailed.”

“Ew, no, don’t remind me of your Grease-inspired leather jacket and excessively gelled hair phase. Probably the worst two months of both of our lives. I still regret making you watch that movie with me.”

“I fully remember you liking the jacket and hair.”

“I was just trying to be a good friend and support you on your journey of self-discovery.”

You could hear Steve’s playful scoff through the phone. “Well, I guess now’s as good time as any to tell you that I was also just being a supportive friend when you went through your phase of always wearing that one flowery headband. It was actually kinda ugly.”

“Oh, fuck you,” You said but couldn’t control your laughter because now as you looked back on it, you also knew the headband was ugly. “I was making a statement!”

Steve joined you and laughed as well and this foreign moment of genuine happiness shared between you two felt so good. Since, because of the letters, everything had been completely laid out on the metaphorical table that the two of you sat around, there were no eggshells to really walk on with one another anymore. And it somehow felt so fucking easy being normal with each other. 

“I’ve missed this. I’ve missed you. A lot.”

“I’ve missed you a lot too,” Steve responded and you could hear the smile in his voice. “I think we’re both kinda idiots for not talking for years.”

“Oh yeah, the biggest idiots in the world,” You said immediately, and then let a brief silence take over. “Can I be completely serious for a second?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“I know I said it a lot in my letters, but I just wanna say it straight to you too. I’m really sorry about everything. I fucked up a lot when it came to you and us, and I really wish I hadn’t.”

“I’m sorry too,” Steve said. “You’re not the only one to blame for what happened. We both became kinda shitty friends to each other then.”

“Let’s never do that again, okay?”

“Deal,” He told you, and you knew that if the two of you were with each other at that moment you would’ve pinky promised to invoke the importance of that deal. “Can I be completely serious for a second too?”

You mimicked his previous answer to you. “Yeah, of course.”

“I fully remember that night at the movies,” Steve started and you had the smallest feeling you knew what was coming next. “The night where you said that that was when you started having feelings for me.”

You shut your eyes in minor embarrassment as you remembered exactly how honest you’d been in that letter. “You do?”

“Yeah, it wasn’t until after you moved that I would think about moments like that one and what I did in those moments, and then mentally kick myself for not realizing how I felt about you sooner. And that night would always stick out to me the most.”

“Why that one?” Your voice was soft. 

“That whole day after I told you about the date and how I couldn’t see the movie with you, I could barely function at the thought of you having to see the horror movie alone. I felt so bad even though you said it was fine. And even after I canceled the date and couldn’t get into the movie because I was ten minutes late and the ticket guy was being annoying, I planned to wait in the parking lot during the entire movie until you came out just to make sure you were good. I was so fucking in love with you; I realized that way after. I could never admit that to myself or acknowledge it then.”

“Shit.” You didn’t realize you were crying until you felt the wetness on your cheeks. 

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s just– I don’t know,” You sighed as you wiped your tears away. “Everything that happened with us... It’s just so fucking sad.”

“Yeah, it really sucks… But, at least we’re here now?”

You sniffled. “Yeah, and I’m really glad we’re here now.”

Things became quiet and you both let a familiar comfortable silence linger for a few moments. 

“Um, this is slightly random, but the film set I’m working on right now is actually for a horror/psychological thriller movie.”

“So, you’re not scared of them anymore? California really has changed you.” You could hear the jokingness in Steve’s tone. 

“Oh trust me, I’m still so scared of them. But, it’s nice seeing the behind-the-scenes of it and how all the scary shit comes together,” You told him and then remembered something that recently happened. “I had to buy ten gallons of fake blood a few days ago. And as I was leaving the store and putting them in my car, one fell and spilled all over me in the parking lot. It looked like the most insane crime scene. And I know the blood was fake but it still made me nauseous.”

Steve laughed. “I wish I could’ve seen that.”

“Since I was alone I think I would’ve felt a lot less embarrassed if you were there.” 

“I really wanna see you soon.” 

“I wanna see you too,” You said, and as the words left your mouth you were hit with an idea. “You should come here! A little vacation away from Hawkins for a bit. Just like a week or so. If you want…”

“I want to,” Steve responded, and you could practically hear his smile through the phone.

“And you can stay here in my apartment. My roommate will probably hate it but she’s the worst so I don’t really care. And we have to go to the beach that’s close by. And I’m already thinking of a bunch of other places I wanna show you too,” You stopped yourself from your rambling. “Fuck, I’m already way too excited for this.”

The happiness dripping from your voice made Steve’s heart constrict in his chest. “Can I know what these other places you’re gonna take me are?”

“I’ve made the quick executive decision that it will all be a surprise.” 

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.”

“Please?”

You could imagine what his face looked like right then. It was probably sporting the same look that made you want to do anything for him; bottom lip jutted out in a pout and brown eyes looking soft and sad.

“Nope,” You answered. “And I’m glad you’re not here right now because you know I probably would’ve said yes and told you everything.”

“Glad to know my charms still somewhat work?”

You laughed at that. 

“I really can’t wait to see you,” He said. “First time in almost two years, holy shit.”

“I think ‘holy shit’ is an understatement,” You told him, smiling as you spoke. 

Your eyes traveled to the digital clock on your nightstand and you took note of the time.

“Sadly, I have to go. I have class in thirty minutes. But, I’ll call you tonight or tomorrow. Definitely not in two years.”

Steve laughed. “I’m holding you to that.” 

“I should be free by 8, so I’ll call you back then.” 

“I’m already counting down the minutes.” 

“Good,” You said with a small laugh. “Okay, see you.”

“See you.” 

You really didn’t want to hang up, but you did and were already looking forward to when you would talk to him again. 

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

final part