#if i dont see this when i fall asleep im going to be deeply disappointed

[shizunitis]

“what do you want to be when you grow up?” sitting across from shizun at dusk, listening to him speak and paying such close attention to the movement of his mouth, the wind’s gentle jostling of his hair, and the almost-imperceptible shifting of his weight every so often, while i stare adoringly and with open affection at him. between us, food and drink, and shizun’s fan discarded so that he can use both hands to gesture as he continues to regale me with stories and anecdotes and lessons i’ve already heard but never tire of. behind us no history, before us no future, only the comforting weight of the moment. i forget myself and drink too much, and he lets me rest my head on his lap. he doesn’t stop speaking, knowing i’ll sulk if he does, but instead lowers his voice, trying to trick me into resting. i allow myself to fall asleep not because i’m tired but because it’s the only thing i can think to do with shizun’s hand warm against my forehead and his scent so close.

or maybe a doctor i don’t fucking know. what are you a cop

[hwangsies]

hello, hello, first things first, hope you're having a good day! can i please request fem reader and minho agreeing on cockwarming only but she got really horny and waited for him to fall asleep before doing it, but ofc he woke up and ended up overstimulating her instead as a punishment-

hii, tysm for requesting! i hope u had a good day as well💓

[6:54 pm]

lee minho x female reader smut

warnings: established relationship, partly clothed sex, dom!minho, cockwarming, oral (m recieving), fingering, slight somnophilia (not stated but consensual ofc), spit (im sorry skjsjekd), a little choking, minho calls reader a slut like 2 times, multiple orgasms, overstimulation

wc: 1.6 k

enjoy <3

-

"fuck-no no go back to the base" you roll your eyes at minhos yells into his headset.

His fingers fly over the controller as he digs his teeth into his lower lip in concentration.

You love that he's finally able to relax a little and play his game but you'd so much rather have those fingers inside of you.

"chan-hyung go back-go back" he orders as he shoots at something on the screen, you cant be bothered to fully understand what the goal of that game is.

You are way too annoyed at the fact that he had declared his 'last round' four times already without even looking back at you.

Sighing you get up to get a glass of water, when you come back he's still sitting on the edge of his bed, staring at the screen.

You lean agaist the doorframe, cross your arms over your chest and sigh again, a little more dramatic; frowning when he doesn’t even acknowledge your presence.

So, you sigh even louder, one more time.

His eyes flicker up at you before he pulls his headset back from one ear, releasing the abused flesh of his lip from inbetween his teeth.

"whats up, baby" he asks, muting his microphone before looking back at the screen shortly.

"I miss you" you pout "and you said you were almost done like an hour ago"

He smiles softly and holds out his hand, speaking when you slide yours into his.

"i'm sorry, i promise im done after this round" he rubs his thumb over your hand.

You whine as your eyes fall on his lap, on those muscular thighs that even make the baggy grey sweatpants he's wearing look tight when he's sitting. Apparently you arent very cool about it because your boyfriend catches on to what you're thinking almost immediately.

Grinning, he pulls you closer by your hand before pressing a kiss to the back of it. "take off your panties" he nods at your skirt.

"already did, like two hours ago" you breathe out, feigning annoyance at which he chuckles.

"alright then, if you get me hard you can sit on my cock until i'm done" he grins up at you, chuckling once again when you drop to your knees. His hands return to his controller after he unmutes himself, meanwhile you start squeezing him through his sweatpants.

"yea, sorry guys im back" minho mumbles into the headset, you frown because you want his attention, but knowing your boyfriend, he wont give it up without a fight.

Pulling down his pants and boxers far enough to take out his half hard length, you waste no time getting your mouth on him.

"guys, left-left-left" he chants into his mic.

You feel his cock twitch when you take him deep and massage his balls, peering up at him through your lashes, you are disappointed to see he's still only watching the screen. Breathing in deeply through your nose, you go even deeper and swallow around his tip as he starts his sentence.

"guys, dont- oh fuck" his voice cracks and he finally looks down at you, muting himself before pulling you away.

"I said get me hard, not off, you little slut" he sneers as you lick your lower lip.

"sorry" you grin, which he reciprocates "get up" he orders.

When you do, he trails his fingers along your inner thigh, hissing when he feels how wet you are. You moan when he pumps one finger into you, holding onto his shoulder as he takes his other hand and guides you to hover his lap.

Retreating his finger, he rubs a few circles over your clit for good measure at which you whimper.

"okay, come here" he guides you to hover over his lap before spreading your juices over his cock and aligning it with your entrance, pushing inside slowly.

You moan out minhos name at the stretch, he breathes out shakily as well before pressing a kiss to your cheek.

"doing good, baby" another kiss to your cheek "now be a good girl and stay still, alright?" You nod and tuck your face into the crook of his neck before looping your arms around him as well.

You can hear the clickling sound of his controller and the faint voices of chan, jeongin and whoever else he's playing with.

He makes an effort not to yell into your ear when he talks to them, so very soon you find your feeling of neediness getting overpowered by drowsiness. His bodywarmth and cologne affectively lulling you to sleep.

-

You dont know how long you were out but when you wake up minho is still underneath you, but now propped up against the headrest of the bed.

Blinking confusedly, you lift your head, which was still still positioned on his shoulder and look around.

The tv is off and it had gotten dark outside, your attention however quickly shifts to the throbbing of your core, where your boyfiend is still buried in to the hilt. Said boyfriend is peacefully asleep, lips pouted and cheeks slightly flushed.

You sit up, moaning when his cock brushes against your g-spot. You bite your lip, knowing full well what would happen if you were to act on your thoughts.

So thats exactly what you do; slowly you roll your hips into his and prop your hand on the headrest. You feel your walls tighten when you lift yourself up and push down again.

Whimpering, you reach down and rub circles into your clit. Your head rolls back when you feel your high bubble up in your abdomen, tearing a moan from your throat.

Suddenly , warm hands gripping your hips make you jump.

"didnt mean to interrupt you baby" minho grins up at you tiredly.

“baby-i” your movements still with his hands squeezing at your flesh.

“you what?” he taunts “thought you could get yourself off real sneakily?”

“no-i” you stutter, feeling your cheeks heat up in embarrasment “i wouldve woken you up- just...” you absently tug at his shirt.

“just what?” minho sits up, grinning and supporting your back to keep you from tipping over.

“you always edge me and i just want to cum” you say sheepishly now that his face is only a few inches away from yours.

“aw, well i dont like how that makes me sound” he pouts sarcastically “lets make your wish come true then,yea?” he leans back again, tucking one hand under his head cockily.

“fuck yourself, cmon” he bites his lip, wating for you to oblige.

You grin and start rolling your hips again “wait!” minho yelps, making you flinch.

“sorry” he giggles, rubbing your thigh “take off your shirt”

You scoff and shake your head incredulously before pulling your shirt over your head and freeing your tits for your boyfriend to instantly love on.

Not long after rocking your pelvis into his, you feel your orgasm creeping up on you again. Minho being no stranger to your body and its signals, kitten licks his thumb and brings it underneath your skirt to your clit.

You moan as you lean forwards to get better levarage, your boyfriend latching his lips onto one of your nipples.

"fuck-" you cry out when he increases the preassure of his thumb on your bundle of nerves and raises his hips to meet yours with every roll. Your orgasm makes your toes curl as it rushes through your veins, your body trembling as you collapse into minhos hold.

You pant obscene things as he rocks you through it, flipping the both of you over shortly after. “what-oh-fuck” you squeal but he thrusts back into you, flipping up your skirt to reveal your how tigth your dripping walls are hugging him.

“fuck” minho groans at the sight, stabilizing your hips before slowly letting a glob of spit descend from his pout to where your bodies join. You whimper, your hips stuttering when he smears it over your folds before bottoming out and picking up his pace.

“how’s that hm?” he grits through his teeth, hand anchoring to your neck when you moan in response.

“s- good” you whine, crying out a second later when he brings his thumb to your clit again to rub at it vigorously.

“you wanted to cum, so cum again like the little slut you are” he sneers “cmon baby, do it”  And you do, pulling at the sheets as you cry out for him in bliss.

The overstimulation kicks in and you squirm, pressing against his hand to make him stop. But he just pulls out and shoves two of his fingers into you, curling them upwards and pumping furiously as his other hand squeezes at your neck.

“fuck! minho-i cant” the sensitivity is almost too much and you feel tears pricking at your eyes as you yell out for your boyfriend.

“this is what you wanted isnt it?” he tauts, grin evident in his voice.

“fuck!” your back arches of the mattress as a guttoral groan tears from your throat and you cum again, less than a minute after your previous high.

For a few seconds you only hear white noise and your heartbeat as he rides out your orgasm.

“good fucking girl” he chuckles mischievously as he watches your chest heave and your swollen pussy flutter when he takes out his fingers, smearing your cum on his cock before he starts pumping himself.

You open your eyes to see him jerk himself off over you, tiredly you raise your hand to fondle his balls, making him roll his head back and groan.

His throat shining with a sheen of sweat as his adams apple bops with each breath. Locking eyes again, he spills his seed on your tummy with a moan and a shudder.

[shhh-no-ones-home]

death wish* matt murdock x reader

+++++++++ Request from @juniebugg : similar to Matt and Elektra in the gym ft Matt's choking kink

thank you again for the request and sorry it took so long. i had no idea how i was gonna write this and then it just hit me and i actually really like the way it came out so i hope you enjoy!

* - there is so little plot to this, i got so carried away omg. we definitely highlighted the choking kink, and maybe a praise kink, and mayhaps use a few pet names (good girl and baby girl) 😅

Song: disappear (remember when) by issues

tag list: @cynic-spirit @juniebugg  +++++++++

"matt what are we doing here?"

i asked, watching him unlock the door. it made me that much more curious that he even had a key to whatever the hell this was.

"i want to show you where i go after work everyday. you said you wanted to know."

i looked around as he stayed by the door, holding his cane to his chest like he usually did.

"this is it, isnt it? where your dad trained?"

i asked, touching the punching bag hanging from the ceiling with the lightest touch. i looked to him and he nodded, walking to me slowly.

"i have an arrangement worked out with the owner and i come as i please. after hours of course."

i stared at him for a moment and a silence hung over the entire room.

"he's part of you ya know."

he raised a brow as i moved to hug the bag close to me, using it as a resting post.

"well he was my father."

i sighed out a short laugh.

"no matt, i mean daredevil."

he drew his brows.

"im not daredevil."

i rolled my eyes, letting the bag go and stepping to him slowly.

"I'm not an idiot matt, i know you sneak out in the middle of the night when you think I'm fast asleep. i don't know exactly what's in that trunk under the stairs but its kind of hard to miss the smell of blood. and even harder to miss the bruises on your face and body you try so hard to hide."

i shook my head, reaching up to touch his face gently and he flinched.

"you cant hide who you are from me Mr. Murdock. i see right through you."

he swallowed hard, tilting his head down as if he were looking at me through his red glasses.

"You always have."

"I think that's why I didn't ask you about it. I wanted you to come to me first. Tell me on your own terms."

He smiled and I smiled back before he leaned down and kissed me gently.

"And you're not mad I'm the devil of hell's kitchen?"

I snorted.

"Of course not. I'm a little concerned maybe but not mad."

"Concerned?"

I looked to the side and picked my words carefully.

"I've heard the stories and I see you limping sometimes. It's not a secret whoever it is you are fighting can throw you around."

He smirked at me.

"Not that I can't handle it. In fact i do a good amount of my own throwing around."

I smiled, amused.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

he challenged. I shook my head, placing my hand on his chest.

"Wanna show me just how much you can do?"

I challenged back and he smirked.

"is this a test? this feels like a test."

i shrugged, tracing my fingers lightly down his chest.

"i dont know, why dont we step into the ring and find out."

"lead the way."

he said and i did as told. i climbed onto the platform and he followed shortly after, leaving his cane by the door.

"so, matt, how much can you really see?"

i tested, squaring up with him, hands in a defensive position.

"enough."

he said and i raised a brow, making an impressed face.

"so if i-?"

i said before throwing a punch, him dodging it with ease and retaliating by pushing me. i huffed before trying again and him repeating the motion. we circled each other for a few moments before he decided to throw one at me, me stepping to the side and both of us laughing.

"something tells me this might go on for a while."

he said a little snarky and i snorted.

"only one way to find out."

i said before throwing another punch. in a second he grabbed my wrist and threw me to the ground. i groaned in pain, looking up at him as he offered his hand to help me back up.

"guess we found out."

he said and i smirked up at him.

"did we?"

i asked, grabbing his hand and yanking him towards me, pushing my foot into his hip and flipping him up over me and onto his back opposite me. i rolled over quickly and got into a new fighting pose, one knee bent and still on the ground and the other leg up with my foot on the ground like someone who is proposing. i had my hands up in a defensive position again. he just groaned, tilting his head back towards me.

"so its gonna be like that."

he stated before rolling over and doing a push up to get to his knees.

"i suppose it is."

i said slyly, dodging his punch and standing quickly. he was just as quick to match me though, grabbing me and flipping us both back onto the ground. he was only on top of me for a few seconds before i flipped him onto his back and straddled him, holding his hands against the mat above his head.

"guess i win."

i said proudly, looking over his face. he clenched his fists twice before he pushed upward and slammed his lips into mine. it took me off guard at first, making me let go of his wrists to kiss him back. he slowly sat us up, not breaking the kiss and i could feel his hands roaming up my back. i hummed against him until we were completely upright and he started kissing across my jaw and down my neck.

"you win."

he whispered against my skin before sucking at my collar bone, holding me against him with one hand and the other traveling up my torso slowly.

"matt."

i moaned as he gripped my breast over my shirt, biting my neck as he did so. i held onto him for dear life as i pressed my hips down against his, tangling my one hand into his hair.

"i need you."

he said, leaning back and pulling my shirt over my head. when it was gone i moved to him to do the same and when it was tossed to the side i pushed him back down onto his back. i kissed down his chest and torso slowly.

"id say this is a pretty good victory."

i said, undoing his pants and he laughed, helping me get them down his thighs.

"one we can share in."

he said with a smirk, tracing his fingers against my ankles as i stood over him and got rid of my own bottoms.

"god i want you so bad."

i said, dropping back down on top of him, kissing him deeply as i ground against him. he was already hard and part of me was proud again for not only pinning him before hand but also getting him worked up that fast.

"then have me."

he whispered against my lips and i sat back up. first i trailed my fingers slowly down his torso, watching his chest rise and fall as his breathing got heavier. then as i got further down i heard his breath hitch in his throat, his hands gripping my hips tightly.

"trophy?"

i asked and he nodded quickly, pushing his hips up against my hand. i smirked before stroking him lightly, watching as his mouth opened a little.

"please."

he gasped, bucking his hips up again as i moved my hand up and down his member.

"i need words matt."

"i need-"

he groaned, squeezing his eyes tight as i continued to tease him slowly.

"i need more."

he pleaded. i let him go and moved to hover over him. his grip loosened a little bit.

"like this?"

i asked before running his tip through my folds, covering it in my slick and sinking down onto him. i dropped all the way down onto him until our hips were pressed against each other and he let out a shaky breath.

"oh my god."

he said, moving his one hand to my stomach. i looked down at him intently as i started moving against him. as i sat up and sank back down onto him his hand got further and further up my body, sending shivers down my spine as he traced gently up the valley between my breasts.

"matt."

i moaned, his hand making its way around my throat and holding firmly.

"do you trust me?"

he asked and i nodded against him.

"god yes."

i confessed, him pulling me down and flipping us over. his one hand was still on my throat, the other coming to the mat to hold him up.

"how does it feel to have your life in my hands?"

he asked harshly as he jutted into me and i let out a short breath, my mouth hanging open.

"answer me."

he demanded, slamming into me again and i moaned.

"fuck, it feels great."

i whined, him doing it again and again until he had a good rhythm, pounding into me.

"tighter."

i said, holding his wrist with a death grip, wrapping my legs around his waist.

"how do we ask?"

he said and i pushed my hips up against him.

"please!"

i screamed as he pushed into me harshly.

"good girl."

he praised, squeezing tighter and my brain went fuzzy.

"matt."

i said drunkenly, feeling the knot in my stomach tighten. then he let go of my throat and i made a disappointed face. but my expression changed as his fingers found their way to my clit. i moaned loudly as he circled it with his forefinger. i pressed my nails into his bicep as he kept his pace, pushing into me hard and fast.

"you gonna cum when i say?"

he asked and i made a squeak noise in my throat.

"was that a yes?"

he asked and i nodded quickly.

"yes, oh god yes!"

i cried, trying to hold out.

"please matt."

i pleaded.

"almost there."

he grunted, hanging his head beside mine. i could feel his unsteady breaths against my collar bone and it sent a shiver down my spine again.

"cum for me baby girl."

he said and i could feel him twitch in me. then i pushed up against his hand and screamed as i came around him. he groaned against me as he came in me, pushing into me a few more times before pausing and trying to catch his breath.

"y/n."

he said softly between breaths.

"matt."

i sighed out, rolling my head back and forth, my vision getting clearer. he just hovered over me for a few seconds before pulling out slowly and i gasped at the sensation, feeling his cum dripping out of me and onto the mat below us. he dropped to his back beside me and sighed heavily.

"how have we never done that before?"

i said breathlessly before we both laughed.

"ive never gotten you into the ring before."

he said matter-of-factly and i turned my head to look at him.

"if you always fuck like this i might have to make more of an effort to get into the ring with you."

he smiled at that but only for a second.

"ya know i definitely didn't think tonight would go like this."

i snorted.

"and i did?"

he let out a short laugh.

"no i guess i just meant, well, we've only been dating for a little bit."

i rolled onto my side and touched his face gently.

"does that stand against how long we've been friends before hand?"

he half shrugged, rolling onto his side to face me, tracing his fingers up my arm gently.

"i have loved you for a while."

he said and i smiled, kissing his hand as it made its way up my shoulder and to my cheek.

"the feeling is mutual."

he smiled back at me before leaning forward and kissing me gently.

"god i cant believe foggy was right."

he lamented and my face fell to that of confusion.

"what do you mean?"

i said i little amused.

"he bet that id say i love you first."

i made an unbelieving laugh-like sound before hitting his chest and sitting upright.

"and im guessing you bet that id say it?"

i said, faking hurt and he laughed, sitting up too.

"i honestly didnt have a doubt in my mind."

i shook my head, reaching for his pants.

"rude."

i stated bluntly, tossing them at him and  he laughed again.

"youre right, and i was wrong. but now that its out i have no intention of stopping my oh so serious confession."

i stood to pull my pants back on, amused.

"well, save it for the priest then lover boy."

[ablackfangirlwrites]

New neighbor

Part 1 2 3

Im really loving this series and where its going 😁

"Hey there cutie," hawks said to you as he saw you walk out your apartment

You sighed shaking your head "I thought I asked you not to call me that."

Keigo laughed, "Im just stating the obvious."

"Then don't." You told him sticking your tounge out at him and walking off

"See ya later babe!" He called out again with a laugh

You turned around flipping him off before turning away

But keigo cought the small smile you had in your face as you did

Its been about two mouths since you moved onto your place

And about one month since you rejected him

But since then the two of stayed friendly

A little too friendly for your tastes

Keigo was a huge flirt

And was determined to get you to change your mind

It was clear you liked him or at least found him charming

But you had this no dating hero rule that got in his way

You wouldnt even tell him why you had the rule

But he had a new plan to get you to change your mind about him

That night the two of you would find yourselves in a familiar situation

You were struggling to get in your apartment with your groceries

And Keigo just so happened to be coming home

"This feels familiar." He said as he picked up some of your bags

You smiled, "Hey thanks....and kinda but this time I wont invite you to dinner."

When you got inside your place you sat your things down and turned to him

"Thanks birdy...you can leave now..."

Keigo pouted, "I was hoping for another heart to heart."

You gave him a smile, "sorry to disappoint."

"Whatcha got against us heros anyway?"

"Nothing you can fix." You said before pushing him out of your place, "good night Keigo."

Once out keigo leaned against your door

He wanted to be with you so bad

The next morning keigo would walk out the same time as you again

"Morning y/n." He said with a yawn

A little surprised you smiled at him, "Morning Keigo no pet names today?"

You asked as you locked your door

He shook his head, "Im a lady respecting man you asked me to stop so ill stop."

You raised your eyebrow, "suuure"

"You have a lovely day y/n." He said walking off

You stared at him suspiciously but in the end you figured it was him just being a weirdo as usual

Unbeknownst to you right after you locked your door instead of putting your keys in your purse like you thought you did

Keigo used one of his feathers to take them

The rest of your day went uneventful as usual

All up until you went back home

You looked everywhere

You knew you put them in your purse, you were sure of it

But your keys just werent there

Annoyed you called your friend asking them if they could come over and bring the spare set

But they said it was too late into the night and they were busy

Sighing you were really at a lost now

And you were so tired

It might have been an uneventful day but it was still a long

Feeling even more annoyed had to gather up your pride

You didnt even know if he was home

But you knocked on your neighbors door

After about two minutes

Keigo lazily opened his door, "y/n?"

"Hi," you said not making eye contact

"To what do I owe this random visit?" He asked knowing full well why you were there

"Im locked out my place....do you mind it I crash here for the night?...please." you asked him in a small voice

"You lost your keys?" He asked

"Tch, yes now are you gonna let me come in or not?" Asked him in a rush

You were feeling so embarrassing

You were a grown woman you shouldnt be still losing your keys

Keigo laughed and stepped aside, "Mi casa es su casa."

You sighed deeply thanking him as you walked in taking in the room

Everything was pretty modern in his place

"Ill get you some sheets to sleep in." Keigo said walking to the next room

You simply nodded looking around his place still

It was a nice place nothing special just simple

You half expect with a cocky attitude like his that hed have trophies and picture everywhere

But no not even a family portrait

Keigo returned with some covers for you laying them down on his couch

"Here ya go sorry I dont have much."

The sheet he gave you was just that a sheet

"Thanks..." was all you said

"Are you hungry?" Keigo asked, "im guessing you havent ate today."

You nodded, "I am actually."

"I might have some left over chicken nuggets."

You raised your eyebrow, "Do you have any...um..like real food?"

Keigo snorted, "Excuse me nuggets are the realest food out there."

You laughed now, "Yeah, if you're two."

Keigo acted like he was offended

"I guess i can find something to satisfy your shitty tastebuds."

Your rolled your eyes at him

In the end he ended up ordering a pizza

The two of you got into talking

And as usual you had to admit to yourself he qas very charming

And deep down you didnt think it was because he was a hero

Keigo was simply charismatic and funny

You had to keep reminding yourself not to fall for him

It would like 3 in the morning when you realized how late it had gotten

"Oh wow! I didnt mean to keep you up so long."

Keigo also hadnt actually realized the time either

He was honestly having a nice time

The best he had in a while

And the crazy part was all you guys did was talk

You didnt even talk about hero things

It was just silly stuff

He actually was having fun

He didnt want it to end but it was late now

So he stood up, "ill see ya in the morning."

You smiled, "Goodnight."

About an hour would pass since keigo went into his room

And you couldn't sleep

His place was way to cold and the sheets he gave your were papers thin

You tried to ignore it but nothing was working and the cold kept you awake

So swallowing your pride again you got up and knocked on his bedroom door

A moment passed and keigo opened his door shirtless

"Hmm?" He asked looking like he was just falling asleep

"Its really...like really cold can you turn up the heat?" You asked

You didnt want to be pushy but you couldnt sleep

"Im sorry y/n but my heatings down." He told you

"Seriously?"

He nodded, "yeah it sucks....wish i could help more but i did give you my spare sheets."

"How can you sleep in thia cold." You growned

"Trust me its not easy...but the feathers make it a bit easy."

"Lucky." You sighed unhappy to go back to the cold couch

"You can always bunk with me...not in a weird way of course." Keigo said

You raised your eyebrow at him, "bunk with you?"

"I mean it would be infinitely warmer. But it was just a random thought im not trying anything."

You sighed with a little laugh

You knew better tham to take him up on his offer but you were tired

"Alright but if you try anything ill kill you."

"I wouldnt dare." He smiled as he walked back into his room laying on his bed

You followed and got in his bed

Admit it was much warmer especially as you moved closer into his arms

All while keigo was secretly happy that his plan to get a closer to you worked

[el-dibidibidorado1]

Baby's lollipops

Chapter 1

Steve Rogers x plus size reader

Warnings: smutty

AN: Sorry for the delay my phone screen broke and i have to use my old phone for a while. Hope you enjoy.

Hey you. What are you doing here?" I asked stocking the last of the double sided lollipops. Very popular here.

"I just came to see how my friend and her new boyfriend are getting along." I laughed at Ophelia and tossed her a box of edible underwear for her to stock. She sometimes comes and helps me to get a little more cash in her pocket.

It had been a couple of months since Steve and I had our ice cream date and I've never been so happy. The only thing that has been giving me problems is the tension between us when we have our heavy makeout sessions. Soon as Steve slips his hand down my back I panic and push him off.

"So what's the problem? Scared that he splits you in half." I gasped and threw her a toy making her squirm away.

"No! That's not the problem!" She wiggled her eyebrows.

"So you like them-"

"Ophelia I swear to god that I'm going to kick you ass" she laughed, I've only done it once and I was drunk as hell. I also remembered everything that happened, he was nice and all, but let's say that he didn't last long. How disappointing that night was.

"So what's the dealio?" She began playing with one of the toys like if it was a lightsaber.

"Stop it. And soon as his hand touches my lower back I freak out." I take the toy away and continued stocking but this time more annoyed.

"Y/n he likes you! Like a lot. Plus poor man, you are giving him blue balls." I guess he does like me a lot. No guy has brought me flowers for a whole week or waited until I got out of work so he could take me to dinner or home.

"Y/n. You got a costumer." The bell kept on ringing making me rush to the counter and attending the couple.

"Enjoy" i said and noticed the familiar head of hair facing away from me. He was looking at some Male underwear that had an elephant face on them.

"Need any help, sir?" He jumped and smiled making my heart skip.

"No, no thank you ma'am." I walked over to his open arms and he engulfed me in warmness.

With tip toes I managed to get a kiss earning another smile from him.

"Whatcha looking at?"

"I was just wondering how men get into these." his confused face looked so adorable and it made me chuckle at his confusion.

"Um, you put the underwear on but the man thingy goes into the trunk of the elephant"

His surprised face made me laugh.

"What's so funny?" Ophelia came out to investigate my laughter.

"Nothin just looking" steve said letting me go. We went back to stocking and attending a couple of customers until it was lunch time.

"Where should we go?" Ophelia asked placing the last box of flavored warming lube on the shelf. The store looked nice and stocked ready for the next employee to fuck up as she just brings in friends to stir a mess up.

"Subway?" I shook my head as we had that the other day.

"How bout that place where Tony likes to go?"

"Shawarma?" Steve said putting on his coat and helping me with mine.

"Yeah, we haven't been there for a while."

"Okay let's go!"

We arrived at the restaurant and enjoyed our food but it only lasted for a while until I had to get back to work.

"Are you going back to the shop?" Ophelia nodded but Steve was interrupted by his phone.

"Not me. I have to head back, Captain America duties." He leaned in and kissed me goodbye and ran off.

"Don't forget dinner at my place!" I yelled.

"How could I forget?!"

"Ooooh you guys gonna get it on?"

"Alright, you better run before I officially kick that fat ass!" I ran after her like when we where little. But now that she had brought that up, she is right, he's waited for a while now. Maybe now it's a good time, with a little liquor or wine maybe it would make it easier. I really want him but I'm just self conscious about, me.

"Earth to y/n" Ophelia waves her hand in front of my face. Panicked I look at the clock and noticed that I had another hour before I have to close.

"What's a matter?" I touch my face and sigh deeply. Obviously nervous about what is going to happen!

"Just tired" that's not a lie I've been working full shifts, the boss is in vacation so she trusts me more than the others.

Thank God that I have a day off tomorrow!

"How about, you.." she points at me "go ahead and I'll close. Its only another hour, I know how to use the cash regester and I'll just give you your key tomorrow, how does that sound?" Without hesitation I hug her and get ready to leave.

"You sure?" I have to make sure. She second guess herself often.

"Three...two.." she began counting making me rush out of the shop.

Going to the nearest store I buy a couple of wine coolers and a pizza on the way home.

I took a bath and got clean for him. Today is the day! Today is the day........and he's late. Its 8:37 and our dinner was at 7:00.

I grabbed my phone and texted him

You forgot

I reheated the cold pizza and drank two of the wine coolers. This is the second time he's late and I understand that he is an avenger but a text would be nice. Ah maybe I'm just being dramatic about it.

I went to sleep leaving my window cracked as he liked seeking in.

"I'm late" looking up at her apartment I noticed the lights out. She's probably asleep now, dammit as soon as I saw the text I bolted out of there. Homework with Tony and Bruce always makes me forget the things that I have to do.

"Fuck" I mumbled. I was about to walk back to the tower when I saw her window cracked. I jumped onto the tree and climbed up.

"Oh my.." looking into the window I found her sleeping in those lace underwear that she sells at the shop and a t-shirt that I use.

I open the window and slowly slide in.

"Doll?" I kinda hope that she's awake.

A breeze made me smell the perfume that I love.

"Doll?" I slipped out of my suit, still in my boxers and got in bed.

"Doll, I'm sorry I'm late" I whispered taking in her scent and figure.

She hummed and turned around wrapping herself against me.

"You forgot" she mumbled half asleep.

"You look gorgeous" she opened her eyes and smiled.

"You too" she brought her lips to mine making me fall into a frenzy mood. I wanted her. I wanted her badly.

I pulled her over my lap still having my lips on hers.

The feeling of the lace of her underwear and her smooth warm skin made my blood rush into my legs.

"Tell me to stop" I groaned digging my fingers into her thighs.

"No, not tonight. I need you" she panted against my neck.

"You sure?" I made her look at me. Her pupils where dilated, heartbeat loud and the smell of her perfume getting mixed with her natural sent.

"Y-yes"

I layed her on her back while I got in between her thick legs. Gently running my index finger across the lace making her shiver.

"Let's take this off" her arms rose as I bunch up the shirt and threw it next to my uniform. Her arms covered herself.

"Come here" I mumbled bringing her closer. I spread her arms and tangled my fingers with hers leaning in to kiss the top of her breast. She looked beautiful. I kept on kissing and showing her my love.

Testing my limits i slowly slid my hand into her panties. Her eyes closed and she swallows thickly. She was wet and warm making me grow harder by the second.

------

I felt him aganst my thigh, he's bigger than i thought.

"Can i?" He asked tugging my panties. Oh god the lust in his eyes made nod. I felt myself clenching at nothing and it made me want him more.

As he pulled them off i clashed my lips with his and i pulled his boxers down with my legs. I felt him begining to rub himself against my core.

"I need you...i need you now" my panting speed up.

"But, i don't want to hurt you" he pulled away making me whine.

"You won't." With the strengh i never knew i had i pushed him off and sat on his thighs, grabbing him and began stroking him. A sweet low moan rolled off his lips.

Embarrassing, but some of the videos that i had to put on taught me something. I continued using that hand twisting technique making him moan.

"Stop-oh god stop" his knuckles cracked when he gripped the covers.

"Im going to cum if you dont stop" he choked and a smile appeared on my face and i stopped my movements. He took deep breaths while he rubbed my thighs, trying to get me to get closer to his cock. I gladly obliged.

A soft moan sliped out of me when his hottness touched my core again. I slowly moved my hips when he sat up straight. He wraps his arms around me making me speed up. The quiet wet sound made blush fill my cheeks.

"Cum, cum so i can be inside you" his talk made my pleasure skyrocket and i felt the tight coil snap.

"Oh god!" I brought him closer using all my grip to ease my pleasure. Once more i found myself on my back with Steve hovering over me.

"Ready" he said. The lust in his eyes grew ans i realized that what he asked wasn't a question.

He touches my core ans began spreading my wetness around his cock. Looking down i felt his tip moving againt my entrance. I felt his eyes on me and i looked up, after a few seconds i felt pressure and a bit of sting hit me. Once he was all in i found myself enjoying the strech and pressure he gave.

"Move" i whimper. He pulled out and shoved himself in making me cry in pleasure. His speed was speeding up each stroke. His grunts and growls made me want him more. I just kept on ttying to keep my moans and whimpers down just to hear his.

"You feel so good and tight around me" he threw his head back and i kept on raking my nails on his back.

"Don't stop" i cried. His movements speed up more it felt unhuman. A new feeling bubled up in my stomach.

"Steve im going to cum" i told him and he replied that he was close too.

"Just. A. Few. More" he groaned throwing his head back as i felt pleasure take over and i clenched him. Second later i felt his cock twitch and warmth filled me up.

"Better than i thought" he kissed my lips and slowly pulled out looking at his mess with a smirk.

"I'll be back" he went to my bathroom and brought a wet cloth and helped me clean up. He layed next to me bringing me close.

"I'm a bit hungry" he said making me chuckle.

"Lucky for you..." i rolled over to tje desk next fo me and opened one of the boxes from work. "I got to bring home a box of these." I pulled out one of the double sided lolipops.

Taking off the wrapper i gave him the apple flavored side while i got the strawberry side and i layed comfortably next to him again.

"This aren't that bad." I nod and we began talking about anything again. I was too comfortable in his arms to notice his knee rubbing against my core again.

"Wanna go again" he bit his side of the candy and taking mine out placing it on the night stand.

"Hell yeah" he kissed my lips getting on top of me again.

This is going to be a long night. I don't mind it.

[lordseochangbin]

till all the stars align ミ☆

description: after seven months of working as a producer for jyp, creating one of the biggest girl groups in kpop and becoming friends with almost everyone in the company. on top of that, you started an unforgettable relationship with one of the biggest rappers in kpop, loving endlessly whether you were close or apart.

・・・・☆・・・・☆ ・・・・ pt2

it was the next day after you met changbin, the rest of the night turning into an endless conversation. before leaving, changbin insisted on taking you home, mentioning that sleeping at the studio like he does every night isn’t a good habit to pick up.

when you arrived home last night you realized that you never saved the demo you were working on last night, leaving you to much disappointment.

you wanted to go back, but it was already 2 am and you knew it wouldn’t work out. what were you going to do? you were working inside one of the open studios, meaning someone else probably had it booked right now.

you arrived at the company, running upstairs as your booking time was close. your ceo, along with your boss, stood next to the studio door as you walked in eagerly.

“hello! thank you for taking your time to visit me” you bowed to them, along with chan and jisung.

the two men sat down on the couch in the back of the room as jyp asked you, “are you ready to present us the masterpiece?” with a smile.

“yes! hundred percent” you nervously laughed as you headed to the laptop, chan and jisung hovering over your shoulders

“guys.. psssst” you whispered, as the two boys came closer.

“what?” jisung whispered back

“last night you dumb fuckers asked changbin to come and visit me!!”

“and you better thank us for that” chan giggled

“and i left with him.. forgetting to save my demo”

you felt chan and jisungs jaw dropped as the mouse cursor hovered over the file, you clicked on it relieved to see the song length was 4:52

“it seemed like it saved anyways” you laughed.

“are you ready jyp? this is my new hit for the girl group called ‘i still love you’”

the song started out perfectly, a bubbly pop melody filled the room earning you a smirk from both chan and jisung as the two officials listened attentively.

the chorus started and you began to sing along, the catchy tune grabbing your tongue as you danced in your head.

one thing that you didn’t notice though, after the second chorus started a bridge that you did not produce. your eyes glowed, attention facing the ceo and other official as they nodded their heads to the song.

chan and jisung however knew this wasn’t your style, “what is this?! it’s good!!” jisung whispered in your ear

“i didn’t do this?!?” you whispered back

“huh?” chan replied confused.

the chorus began again, the song about to end. but one thing that still remained was the question of who made the bridge?

was it someone from last night? maybe they caught your demo and decided to mess with it?

“wow!” jyp exclaimed, “kao... i love it— especially the bridge. that’s definitely out of your safe zone but you did good with this one. can’t wait to hear the girls sing it”

you laughed and waved them off as they left. closing the door behind you, you turned to the two boys. “WHO DID THAT BRIDGE” you screamed, scaring the two guys.

chan and jisung both ran to you, grabbing your shoulders as your hands moved around nervously

“if it wasn’t me.. and it wasn’t you.. and it wasn’t jisung” chan thought out loud.

“oh god?!!! did someone hack into my producing software and finish the song for me?!”

“they must of spent a long time on it though...”

you stared nervously at the floor, your head pounding with guilt as your eyes shut with tears. it was either the stress or the lack of sleep.. or both you suppose. but also the undeserved credit, you didn’t write that bridge. who gave it to you?!

“AHH OK CHAN?!? i dont know what to do?! she’s freaking out?! is it the insomnia?!” jisung yelled frantically

“AH, BINGO! OK OK ILL START SINGING INSOMNIA” chan yelled back. they rested your neck on the couch as you rested your eyes in distress.

“WAIT NO- LETS GET HER SOME WATER” chan and jisung ran out the door as you sighed deeply.

you wondered who couldve made that bridge. you had to admit, the bridge saved the whole song giving it a spin that no fan could’ve seen coming. you heard footsteps come back towards you, stopped in front of you.

with your eyes closed you punched the figure making you smile. your smile slowly disappeared hearing a unfamiliar grunt. you opened your eyes in shock.

“changbin?!”

“fuck.. kao what was that for?!” you covered your mouth in shock.

“oh my god.. im so sorry i thought you were chan or jisung i..”

“you punch them too?!” he replied laughing, his hand covering the spot where you punched him.

“im so sorry changbin.. does it hurt?” you asked, placed your hand over the spot on his stomach

changbin laughed at your concern, “dont worry, the guys and i mess around like this all the time.”

“anyways” you patted the seat next to him gesturing him to sit down, “what are you doing here?”

“i just wanted to see how the new song went. did he like it?” his eyes waiting for an answer from you, however your head was blanking out..

“he said he loved it” you replied back

“oh nice! you know.. i shouldve placed a bet that if he liked your song i would take you out on a date”

“and what makes you think i want that?”

“the way your hand is on my stomach” he said. you looked down to find your fingers fiddling with his t-shirt, quickly pulling away as you realized what you were doing.

“oh.. im sorry changbin” you nervously laughed, biting your lip as you placed you hand on your lap

“it’s okay kao... but can we pretend like i placed a bet in the first place?” he asked with a smirk.

you laughed at his attempt. “finee”

you and changbin laughed at each other embarrassed. even though he seemed cold on the outside, he was rather cute. almost like a whole different changbin from the one you see on stage, but his adorable personality stayed valid. he never failed to make you laugh since the day you met him, then again that was yesterday.

due to the silence you yawned, blinking several times before your eyesight could return back to normal.

“you must be exhausted huh?” changbin asked.

“you probably know how it feels more than anyone, the pressures of meeting deadlines” you replied, covering your mouth as another yawn passed your lips

“tell me about it, if anything you can always sleep here”

“here? of course i will. i do all the time” you laughed

“no.. i meant *here*” changbin patted his lap with a inviting smile, an offer you couldn’t pass.

you laid on his lap, changbin massaging your hair with your fingers. “mmm.. that feels so nice” you whispered as your eyes started to drift asleep. without noticing your fingers started to intertwine with changbins, a smile arising upon his face.

you couldn’t tell, however changbin sat there with you on his lap smiling.

“CHAN!! HURRY UP KAO IS PROBABLY DYING” jisung yelled as he ran down the hallway. the door was kicked upon revealing a panting jisung with a cup of water and a few seconds chan followed behind him.

chans lips formed an “O” as he saw the two of you on the couch.

“we’re just gonna leave you two...”

your eyes opened a little to see jisung and chan walk away, “thank you for the water guys” you whispered, which jisung was able to pick up.

“no problem kao!!” he replied before running off with chan.

you heard the door close, and your eyes shut before falling asleep on changbin’s lap. it’s only been day two since you two actually met, but it felt like eternity.

a sudden comfort in his touch as he brushed his hands through your hair. you couldn’t miss the opportunity of actual sleep, you thought to yourself. and it seemed like with changbin here; allowing you to sleep on his lap, massaging your scalp. it seemed like changbin being by your side was the reason you were even getting any.

your possible conclusions as to how the song finished last night were endless, but the question still remained: who made the bridge?

[jayyrayy90]

I'm so angry and disappointed. I'm so frustrated with my own self too bc no matter how hard I try I can't even force myself to hate you. I have numerous reasons to hate u but I can't. I guess I'll never be able to.

What's so fucked up to me is how you can just erase me like I'm nobody to you. How you can flip a switch in your brain and I've suddenly become your enemy. How you so easily can make so many promises to me, how you can look me right in my eyes and lie to my face so easily, and how you act like you've done absolutely nothing to me or act as if the things you done were something insignificant and dumb and I'm just being overdramatic about them. Like the shit you did shouldn't matter just bc of shit i did 5 years ago or simply bc u hated me so those things were justified.

To this very day you have no respect for me and treat me as if i meant absolutely nothing to u. I don't think you will ever understand how bad that hurts me Jasmine. You, of all people in this entire world, broke me down piece by tiny piece until there was nothing left of me. You drained me of my last bit of sanity, hope for love, and I will never let another human being get close to me again as long as I'm here on this earth. You took all of that away from me so effortlessly, carelessly, and easily. I never meant anything to you and I wish like hell I knew exactly what made u hate me so much that you'd even consider doing the things you've done to me.

In some sick and cruel way, I believe u got some kind of enjoyment out of watching me fall apart. You enjoyed knowing you could go do whatever you want and come back to me whenever you got ready bc like a dummy I'd always be there waiting. I was so stupid and foolish to even think any of your promises were sincere. What made me look even dumber was the fact that I believed you and in you. I had faith in you. I was so gullible and blinded to believe that the person you used to be was still somewhere inside of you. That loving, honest, sincere, faithful, and LOYAL person u used to be had been dead and gone years ago and you kept showing/proving that to me. Yet i kept fighting to bring her back. I kept praying, hoping, and wishing that someday I'd get my baby lovey bear back. I failed to even try and believe the things you were so effortlessly trying to tell me with your actions. You've been trying to tell me that you didn't love me anymore for so many years. I was trying so hard to be/say/do everything you wanted just to make you love me. I pushed the things you were doing to me so far in the back of my mind that i allowed myself to become blinded. I just kept telling myself that you were lost and didn't know what u were doing at the time, every time I would think about the things you did.

Truth is, you knew exactly what you were doing. You knew exactly what risks u were taking. U knew exactly what u were jeopardizing. You knew. Yet you still did it anyway. You didn't care and still don't about what happens to me or my life. You have no idea the amount of pain that causes me. Its honestly like I'm loving the shadow of a person who never existed.

The way you left me, I would've never left you like that, even if i did hate you. All those years we spent together and you just leave me like that knowing I was broke. I would've never in a million years plus some, NEVER left you like that. I would've bet my entire life that you wouldn't have ever done that to me.

When you came back in my life, the one thing you would always say was, "The way I left you last time was fucked up and I know it. I got my karma. I'd never leave you like that again." Something similar to that anyway. But guess what, you left me even worse than you did the first time Jasmine. And u don't even care. How can you not even care?!! I have no words to even describe the pain. Words couldn't even come close..

In the beginning i wasn't much of the person I should have been. I had issues and addictions. I wasnt really worth your time. I put you through hell and for that I will forever be sorry. If im being honest you terrified me, no one had ever saw me the way you did. No one had ever wanted me the way you did. No one had ever made me feel the way you did. I had walls that had always kept me safe and kept me braced from the world but you... you somehow made them fall over time with your undying love for me, even when i was awful. You saw me through the worst times of my life. If not for you i wouldnt be here today. you saved me.

To me, we had a beautiful bond and an amazing love. You were everything i ever wanted and i couldn't believe you were mine. Maybe looking back that is where the trouble started...I had such guilt for who i was and how i treated you at the start and i felt so lucky to have you that i started to compromise on the things that were fundamental to me. I started to give way more then i received and i started to let you think things were okay that honestly weren't. I let you start to walk all over me and looking back maybe if i had stood up for myself then, instead of just feeling like i owed it to you for sticking with me then maybe things would be different today..

I stood by you, i did any and everything for you. I let you take out your anger on me. I would pretend to sleep until i knew you were asleep so i could just make sure you were okay. I was watching you hurt in a way i couldnt fix. I didnt know how to help, so i decided to just be everything and anything you needed. I put my entire life aside and made you my priority, my world. I dont regret it, you needed me and i was there without question.

This is where it started to go downwhill, you were changing into someone i didnt even recognize and the worst part is you couldn't even help it. Our life had become one full of fights and make ups only to fight again shortly after. You were pushing me away and i didnt know why. I dont even think you knew why, so i took all the hateful words, the poor treatment, the lack of time invested and the lack of love being shown and made it into excuses for you because of what you were dealing with. Looking back i dont think this helped you the way i thought it did. It taught you that i was always going to take it. I was going to let you walk all over me and i was going to apologize when i didnt do anything wrong simply to avoid a fight. It didnt help, you left me in such an agonizing way. i was shattered, my entire life had just fallen apart and i was lost. You were my world and you were just gone!!

I was your friend. I was your family. I was your lover. You are a person that could have been any number of things to me. Heartbreak plays no favorites when it chooses people in life to let you down. I really always had faith in you. I trusted you and the promises that you made to me. I believed in your aspirations and disregarded your ambiguity. I let you in, against my best wishes. I relentlessly defended you. I saw the beautiful parts of who you were. I made plans with you and kept them in my head like a guaranteed magnificent destination.  I loved you. I gave you all that I had and now I am left feeling empty and cheated. But do you know what the strangest and most unbelievably frustrating part of all of this is? I forgive you.

Your betrayal shook my foundation. Not just the foundation of us, but the foundation of everything I thought. All that I believed about love was up in the air. I wasn’t sure about anything. It wasn’t just about you. I was now questioning everything.

The truth is, you didn't really love me. Maybe you loved the idea of me. Maybe you loved having me around because I would have done anything for you, but if you really loved me, you wouldn't have destroyed me the way you did. That's not love.

I loved you so much that I lost sight in everything else, especially myself.  I glued myself to you so tightly because I was so terrified of losing you. Lets be honest though, you were never really mine to lose, were you?

You always treated me so coldly, and I couldn't ever understand why when all I ever did was love you. Sometimes the harsh words you used still stay inside of my head.

I was never good enough, or at least that is how you would treat me. I was always wrong, I was the crazy one after the break up, it was never you. It was always me. You were poison to my heart, and I wanted so badly to save you, but I couldn't. You destroyed me mentally and emotionally to the point where I can’t even feel emotions anymore. To the point where I am literally completely numb to feeling anything or having real true emotions towards anyone or anything.

When I met you, I knew. I knew in some way, shape, or form, you would hold incredible significance to my life. I knew you were going to be a constant. I knew you would change me.

Yes, we had our disagreements, but we always made our way back to each other. I always felt you in my heart, there was nothing you could do to make me that upset for long. I already needed you. I knew, the second I held you close to me, I knew, that this was it for me. You were it. All I wanted, and all I would ever need.

You have issues, my love. Internal struggles with yourself, external issues with your family and others around you ­and it weighs you down. I never have held that against you. But the struggles you faced made it impossible for you to love me the way you wanted to, the way I needed you to. Still, I held on, praying you would stay with me, praying you would get better. Through all the fights, the petty disagreements, and the abuse, I stayed. Why?

I loved you blindly of course. I loved you without restrictions, and without caution. I loved you wildly. In my head, I knew you could be better. I wanted to see that happen for you. I wanted to help you get to where you should be. I believed in you. I loved you so deeply, I would have, and did do, anything on Earth for you.

The truth is, you are not who I once loved. That person is gone. That person took some of the deepest parts of myself with them. I will always love them.

Had you tried for me, love, had you tried for you, we would have been in love forever. But you didn’t, and sitting around waiting for you only made things harder on me. I’ve accepted the fact that the you I once knew is gone.

I didn’t want to move on from you. I hoped in the deepest cell of my heart that you would come back and sweep me up and make things better. But eventually, I chose to move on. I chose to heal myself. I chose to fix what you shattered. It didn’t come easily, and nearly everyday is a struggle… but I have to. You are the love of my life, but you are long gone now...

[nightmaretyrantvantas]

Sleepless nights and a shift in character developments- A homestuck au strider story

I wrote this during a bout of insomnia(partially caused by excitement) and I couldnt stop thinking about it

@turing-tested This comes from one of the MANY things I babbled about this character, so if you see this you might recognize it. 

Im going to post more about this character soon its just alot to compile for one post-at least 5 years worth or development and passion so bear with me please

Note before reading : This is in the best put terms, an au epilogue i made before homestuck even finished, and the only thing accurate to any current epilogues is the canon kids ages. 

This is long and gets a bit dark and emotional and angsty but I promise it has a happier ending. It also glosses over some heavier themes like mentions and brief discussions of nonspecified eating disorders, so if that makes you uncomfortable you can skip this

enjoy

whrrz….whrzz…..whrrzz….

The damn clock ticking was endless. The figure tossed and turned restlessly on the bed, kicking and pulling up the cotton sheets as they ceiling fan lazily spun uncaringly from above. After another bout of struggling for comfort there was a glance at the nearby digital clock

2:45 a.m

“Goddammit……” 

With a angry groan the girl fell heavily onto her back and dragged her hands down her face, staring up at the ceiling with exhaustion. This just kept happened to her, ever since she and all her friends and people she gave any shits about crashed here in a new world. No matter what she did she could never get a full nights sleep, plagued by either ruthless insomnia or vicious night terrors. Pick your poison a night. It didnt matter what the 19 year old did really, nothing eased it. And so she stared at the bedroom ceiling and the spinning fan hopelessly before she finally dragged herself up into a sitting position, head hung low. Even with moonlight streaming in blue light things felt too dark. So one tired Dian Strider fumbled her hand around the room and turned on tv on the other side of the room, wincing and squinting as its bright changing light filled her room. She glanced back at the clock and grimaced at the two minutes that had passed. Then she shut her eyes and listened, muting the tv. The apartment was quiet….too quiet…

Her eyes snapped back open, a new look of anxiety crossing her face. 

“ Hes not back yet….its Wednesday…hes late…” She shook her head and looked at the wall by her bed, at the pinned up pages of scribbles hanging there contently

WEDNESDAY : RETURNS BY 1 AM

Now she as on her feet and pacing around on fragile boned legs, absently gnawing on the scarred knuckle of her index finger. Her thoughts drifted and tumbled through her sleep deprived brain worriedly, though she wouldnt admit it aloud just yet.

Dirk wasnt home yet. He shouldve been home by now. But hes not….is he?

She stopped and looked at her bedroom door, unlocked and fully capable of opening and revealing the knowledge she wanted to know, all outside her little space.

But could she handle opening it?

With a new look of tired firmness she padded barefoot across the carpet and opened her door as silently as she could. If he WAS back she didnt want to wake him up. And there it is illuminated by the light in her room and the gently dim moonlight from the staircase and hallway window : Dirk’s bedroom door, firmly closed. She took a few light steps and Dia was now in front of it, hand grazing the doorknob as doubts made her pause. Sure, she had been living with him for almost 5 months now, and sure he had been more than welcoming and generous in his…weird stoic and socially avoident tendencies and eccentricities. Dia couldn look passed those, who was a shattered and violently anti social and mistrusting girl to judge the man who gave her and her little brother a roof to sleep under and a home to call their own when he had absolutely no obligation to? The answer was she wasnt anyone to judge him.

Not after he let her take on his last name to ease some of the trauma.

But were they really close enough to give her the right to just….turn the knob and open his door as if she was really family?

‘ Yes. we…we are? God i dont really know…But Hal gave me an ok to do so if I needed to talk or got too anxious…he said Dirk doesnt mind me leaning on him a little…so…this should be fine…to just peek in and see if hes in there…even if hes not asleep…I can just make some excuse about…fuck…anything…’ With a metaphorical slap to the face and a small huff of “ Just do it already dia stop being a pansy its just Dirk” she tightened her grip with more false confidence and turned it, slowly pushing it open just enough to poke her head in…

Just to find it empty. 

She blinked and her shoulders slumped in disappointment. He wasnt there, which mean he just…probably wasnt home yet. 

So she re shut the door without venturing further and walked over to the stairs that led down to the first floor and front of the apartment and ended up slumped across one of the sturdy steps, glaring at the wall upset and exhausted….so exhausted that her eyes fell without her realizing…letting her drift into an uneasy sleep….

And fell straight into a unrelenting nightmare.

She was forced out of it by the sound of something slamming downstairs  followed by a thump she didnt register. Because she was sitting straight up shaking violently and tearing up, fingers digging painfully into her arms as she hugged herself, breathing too fast. She looked around like a cornered animal until she was able to calm down a little, her surroundings settling back into her mind. But that slam…

Dia was on her feet gasping for breath a little as she stumbled down the rest of the stairs and out into the living room, tripping on her own two feet in her panic. She felt so small and alone and alone was the one thing she didnt want to be for a little while–

And all the spinning in her head stopped when she saw him.

He was sprawled out not all that gracefully on the beat up grey couch, one of his arms hanging off as his legs dangled over the arm. His blonde hair, much lighter than hers was a damp mess of spikes from being outside in the misty rain of before dawn that plastered against his forehead and into his uncovered, shut eyes. On his hand against his chest were his sharp shades, a dim and fading red glow slowly going out on them, a clear indicating Hal was asleep. She watched his chest rise and fall rhythmically and deeply, indicating he was already fast asleep. She figured it was from the past couple all nighters he’d pulled, between work his own projects and his nightly outings. Dia watched him sleep for a few moments then quietly walked over to his side, noting the familiar bags of insomnia under his eyes even in the dim lighting Silently she sighed and walked over to another chair in the room and grabbed a two blankets off it, a soft knitted one Dave left here from someone she was had met two times now named Rose and a thicker fabric quilt thing Dirk’s had since before she arrived, mentioned by Hal to have been a apartment warming present from friends named Jane and Roxy. She carried them over to him and with a wobbly stance and some struggling to not wake him or Hal up draped the quilt over his body, making sure it wasnt awkwardly on him. 

Then Dia wrapped the knitted blanket around herself and plopped down on the floor next to his side, facing him and watched over him for awhile. 

It wasnt anything special or life changing to her at first. She just…her brain was in a dark place and right now, The man before her was a very real and very present and constant reminder of the good in her situation. She was out of that hellscape, she was free.

She was safe and in a better place. Next to him the these early hours of the morning on the living room floor nothing bad from her past could hurt her or reach her. And that was all she needed.

So Dia made herself more comfortable and leaned on the couch in the space next to his chest and side and leaned her head against the quilt covered space until it barely, just barely pressed up against said bodily area as her body curled and folded into a comfortable spot doing so and her tired clementine eyes drowsily watched the movement of his breathing and the distant tick of a far off clock until she didnt even notice herself falling fast asleep at his side, nightmareless for the first time in months.

‘ Dirk…dirk wake up already.’

‘Dirk I know you can still hear me, wake up’

It was irritatingly bright with the morning sun when Dirk finally pried his eyes open, squinting up in pain at the ceiling. God was he fucking regretting passing out on the couch right now. So he quietly unfolded his only small salvation from the light and slid the shades over his orange eyes, blinking the exhaustion from them after with a yawn.

‘ nngh….Hal buddy you on already?’ He got an immediate, if not amused answer that made him practically imagine the body motion and expression that shouldve accompanied it. He couldnt help but smile a little and crack his neck in an attempt to ease the stiffness….god he needed a new damn couch.

‘ Dirk…dirk look down.’ He quirked an eyebrow but didnt even get a chance to ask 

Because he moved his hanging arm and brushed against another solid mass that made him look down anyway.

He didnt dare move for a few moments when he saw Dia curled up beside him on the floor, his hand having brushed against the slim girl’s too bony arm. But didnt wake up, only shifted slightly as her head burrowed into his side a bit, looking more relaxed than he’d ever really seen her. 

‘ When did she…?’

‘ I am not sure. she was already there asleep when I first started up this morning. I can only assume shes been there since we got home.’ He dragged a hand through his hair as he looked over her and carefully moved his arm so he didnt wake her up.

Dirk decided not to sit up or move from the couch yet either. 

‘ She almost looks happy…’

“ Yeah… I know. Too bad she doesnt always look like this…’ There was a silence between them and Dirk sighed through his nose. 

‘…im going to make breakfast.’ Was the only thing Dirk finally said before carefully getting up and heading to the kitchen. ‘ Oh? Thats a first for you…you normally skip breakfast.’ Dirk didnt respond right away, scavenging the simple, cluttered kitchen for anything to cook and scrunching his nose a little when he wasnt really finding anything.

‘ Dirk you KNOW there hasnt been any grocery restocking since you started your latest project…’ He groaned and pressed his forehead against the freezer door and stayed quiet for another moment, gears in his head turning and things lining up in his head. Hal didnt try prodding him too much for an answer. He knew the human too well by now, Dirk was working something out in his head. And on top of that he had barely been awake maybe twenty minutes after a total of maybe four or five hours of sleep, doing three all nighters before that. So Hal wasnt quick to call Dirk all to responsive lately. 

Maybe he should contact Jane after all to get him into a healthier…well…anything.

“ ….I really didnt want to go outside this early…but if the kid will be asleep for awhile…hmm…” 

‘ Hmm what?’ The blonde shook his head a little and rubbing an eye with the palm of his hand as if forcing the drowsiness away. 

“ Hey Hal….mind messaging Dave for me and asking when he’s planning to come back home from Karkat’s this week?” ‘…alright Dirk I am, anything else?’ Hal asked, a bit sympathetic at the exhaustion in his voice. He knew Dirk didnt like to bother Dave with too much, especially when the younger strider stayed with them specifically to make sure Dirk took care of himself. He wanted him to live his own damn life without worrying about him, and so didnt ask him when he was coming back or how long he’d stay.

“…yeah. Ask him if its today and if he could possibly grab some groceries on his way home…” There was a silence but Hal told him he would and Dirk’s shoulders slumped when they got the reply that Dave would show up in about a half hour, and asking for a general list or if he should just wing it. 

Dirk said to just wing it. He wasnt picky right now.

Dia hadnt woken up by the time Dirk pulled on a decently cleaner shirt and his shoes, though she had shifted somewhat. He was a little relieved, she’d been sleeping worse than him recently and any rest was good rest. Yeah…it was was all he concluded as he slipped outside into the bright sunlight and sat on the stoop step that led into the apartment, absently gazing over the city lost in thought. 

“ Yo Dirk.” He glanced down to see Dave coming up the steps in casual clothing, face mostly neutral as he carried up two big bags of food. Dirk saw the slightly furrowed brows and the way his mouth tugged down in concern and heaved a sigh, standing and walking down to take one of the bags.

“ Gotta be quiet when you go in, the kid’s fast asleep in the living room and I kinda want her to stay that way. Where’s Derik?” Dave shrugged as he followed him up.

“ He was video calling Jay when Hal pestered me, so I left him be and came alone.” He got a nod as they walked in, Dave raising an eyebrow seeing Dia on the floor but not voicing the question. 

Dirk probably didnt move her so she’d sleep longer. He knew she had issues with being touched.

Though when they entered the kitchen his eyebrows furrowed again.

“ Dirk when was the last time you cleaned the damn apartment? You’ve got shit lying everywhere again it wasnt like this when I was here last.” The older man shrugged as he shoved junky clutter out of the way and replaced it with the bag of food, not exactly wanting to answer. The knight sighed and resisted any urges to smack the other person he considered family. Because goddamn was it hard to resist when he was falling back into bad habits and going back on months of progress being made.

“ You know what? Dont worry about it Dirk. I’ll help you pick up later or something since I’m here. Lets just get all the food put away and make something to eat, because damn am I starved and Im sure she will be too once she actually wakes up.” Dirk mumbled an agreement and started putting things away and setting stuff up to cook…something, anything. 

“ So…what is with the sudden desire to make breakfast? Hal and I usually have to force you not to skip it.” Dave wasnt really expecting an answer, To be honest neither was Hal at that point. Dirk was clearly in a more antisocial mood and that was fine really, but the silence was making the shorter blonde…twitchy. Maybe he just wasnt used to it anymore, when he considered half the time he stayed with Karkat further out of the city in a house that was distinctly more…energetic with two teenagers running around living with them. He had thought having Dia here might break him out of that but she could be just as bad as he was honestly, a sometimes too perfect match in their isolation habits.

He was thinking about it so much he almost missed Dirk’s reply, turning towards him blinking. 

“ Wait wha–” “ I said I’m not doing it for me…im making food for Dia.” There was a moment of a much more fragile silence and dirk pulled off Hal and set him on the counter, gripping it with both hands as he stared tiredly at the wall and cabinets in front of him, his eyes a bit distant as if he was seeing something else entirely Dave couldnt. He sighed heavily and continued with a low tone that sounded like he was trying to stay neutral, unemotional about it.

“ She doesnt eat enough. Coming from me already is a big deal but, I…Im almost positive she has some sort of eating disorder Dave. One she just wont tell me about. But I see the signs of it all over her. The underweight, the fragility of her whole body, the fatigue, the way she tries to avoid eating as much as possible, the way she hides herself away after meals…but I cant push her either because well fuck. What place do I have to really say anything? I’m not blood related, I’ve only known her about 5 months and ive barely tried to get to know her that much or get close to her but she’s grown on me a little and im worried one of these days her insomnia and her lack of eating are going to do her off right under my nose and there’ll be no one to blame but myself for not looking out for her enough. Like fuck,” His nails scrapped along the counter as his fingers curled in frustration. “ Im a goddamn wreck half the time and she’s almost worse than me and I just…I dont even know. The kid deserves better than that? She probably deserves alot better than staying up at night waiting and worrying when I’m going to get home and falling asleep on the goddamn floor and–maybe…maybe I should’ve had Roxy or Jane take her instead. Or even Jake. Somewhere where’d she’d-she’d get help for her issues, not a place to let them fester.” The air was heavy as he finished, his shoulders slumped in defeat and his head hung as if it had become too much to stay up on its own, eyes screwed close in a frustrated kind of pain. Dave was a little speechless, he knew Dirk felt a little responsible for Dia and part of that mightve been from himself but…He didnt know.

He shouldve known though. 

“ Dirk…Jesus Dirk why didnt you mention any of this sooner? If you’ve been so worried you could just tell me and I’d help you.” He moved closer and put a hand on his shoulder, pushing up his shades and leaning over to try to look the older man in the eyes. 

“ Dirk cmon dont shut me out now after that damn word vomit of you actually opening up. You are not shutting down on me, hell no. You opened your own floodgates and we’re going to swim through what the fuck you released together and work this out because clearly help is needed right now. If it wasnt you wouldnt have asked me to come back out of nowhere, and we wouldnt be having an emotional brotherly moment in the middle of your shitty kitchen at nine in the goddamn morning with the kid you’re clearly worried about dead asleep on your living room floor. So, lets talk ok?” With another tired sigh Dirk nodded as they kept cooking, neither noticing the thin figure slip away upstairs to shower.

After Dave left things were awkward. The two sat at Dirk’s kinda crappy dining table with a non microwaved meal in front of them both poking at it in silence. By the time they both decided they were done the house apartment felt delicate and tense. But regardless Dia holed up in her room for the rest of the evening to prepare for another fitful night and around ten Dirk pulled on his shoes and headed out. 

Dia checked the clocked a couple hours later, noting tiredly that it was only ten past midnight. So she simply rolled over to face the wall and shut her eyes, trying to shut off her brain. It almost worked too…

Click.

Her eyes snapped open and she lifted her head to look towards the door briefly confused, almost assuming she was hearing things. She glanced at the clock again. 12:13 am. She rubbed her eyes and slowly sat up.

“ No way…I heard him leave at ten…and he usually doesnt come back until at least two on thursday…” She listened for a moment to make sure, and sure enough there was the sound of shuffling downstairs, slowly coming up the stairs. When she heard Dirk’s bedroom door open she got up and shuffled over to her own peeking out of her door to see his back. Before she could stop herself she made a noise to announce her presence and Dirk paused, looking back at her. There was a moment where they both stared at each other as she briefly panicked at the fact she started this conversation.

“ y..you’re back pretty early tonight…” She almost visibly cringed at herself as he gave a small shrug.

“ Didnt feel like being out for long tonight…besides, keeps some anxieties down if im not gone too late.” She stood up straighter and looked up at him stunned. He…he came home early…so she wouldnt worry? Her mind flashed to the morning before and something warm filled her chest. She nodded and murmured that she appreciated it and swore she saw a smile on his face before he continued into his room.

“ Hey um…” She saw him pause again and she took a nervous breath. She wasnt used to this, but…

“ I um…im not that picky when it comes to food…but I dont mind spicy foods, as long as its not deathly spicy. I’m also willing to try most things put out for me to eat at least once…so I’ll at least try to eat most meals…” She glanced back up to see him nod, a small smile now clear on his face.

“ Alright kiddo, I’ll keep that in mind. Try to go to bed before sunrise.” She nodded back and slipped back into her room, somehow feeling a little lighter.

The next couple weeks after that were different for them both. At first it was hard to describe, but things were less stiff so to say. They both came out of theyre rooms more for meals together and…just talked. The talks were awkward as hell at first, but the more they did the more she looked forward to meal time, and the less she dreaded eating. Even though she struggled to open up to the older man she could still find things to talk about. At some point she started cooking again, which she hadn’t done since she took care of her little brother, over five months ago. Dia started when she noticed Dirk skipping meals, lost in his work.So…she started making things and leaving them for him with a reminder to eat. And once his portion was gone she ended up eating what was left for herself, the portion being enough to not make her feel too guilty most nights. 

But things were on a better track, Hal pointed out as much one night as Dirk slipped back into the apartment as the clock read 1:00 am. Dirk raised an eyebrow and got a bit of a half smile. “ oh yeah? You really think so huh?” 

‘ Yes I do actually. You havent noticed? She’s opening up to us both more than she has in months.’ Dirk nodded with a hum as he made his way to the stairs, listening to hear if Dia was moving about and noticed it was quiet. Maybe for once she managed to fall asleep. 

‘ You know, you two are alot alike, at least with your issues and and some of your traumas.’ Dirk paused halfway up the stairs and tilted his head as he thought about it, not exactly responding. But Hal continued on.

‘ I think at this point, the best course of action for you both would be for you two to try having a deeper conversation. It would benefit you both greatly to try discussing and sympathizing over your similar issues. At the very least it would help you both open up more, something we both know is very needed in this apartment.’ He…couldnt really argue with that one. 

“ Ya know what? fuck it why not. I’m not going to push her too much but…I’ll give it a shot.” 

And he did. When he saw her at breakfast he motioned for her to listen and took a deep breath through his nose, preparing for the worst. He vividly remembered how she could lash out when she felt cornered or afraid, and that was the last thing he wanted.

So he tried as gently as he could, following some of Hal’s advice and the advice of Rose who he’d talked about this with much earlier in the morning for ideas to approach the subject…delicately. He even vaguely put some of his smaller issues on the table first, made them vulnerable which made Hal rather proud of him for. 

“ Look Dia…I get it ok? I get the not wanting to talk to anyone about it and the need to be strong and unbreakable. But I also know how that can fuck you up even more. It has for me for years…and…I’ve lost trust with close friends because of it. I did things I still dont forgive myself for trying to bottle it up.” She listened and nodded. Then Dia looked down and touched one of her scarred knuckles and took a deep breath. Then she looked up with an expression he hadnt seen before, it was tired and sad and vulnerable. Suddenly she looked like her age, a broken and exhausted 19 year old who’d been suffering on her own for too long, and he watched her shoulders droop as she spoke as if a weight was starting to lift off them.

“ I…I-I have alot wrong with me Dirk…maybe too much to be fixed…so much you may not want to bother with me if you knew everything…I’m…Im beyond screwed up and I cant even eat anymore without trying to loss the nonexistent weight it brings…I…I’ve done too much I dont deserve this I dont…” She trailed off and Dirk reached out and hesitantly, understandingly placed his hand on her wrist, making her look him in the eyes.

“ Why dont we start by just being screwed up together kid? You arent alone in it anymore…and about the eating, we can work on that first and get you started on recovery however you need it. But lets start small and see how we survive it.” She smiled a little and nodded, relaxing.

“ Yeah, ok.” 

A few nights later Dia was tossing and turning again after waking up from another nightmareThis time a light rain drummed on the roof from a small passing storm. She looked at the clock and glared at the two am glaring back at her before sitting up and pulling on her hoodie. Maybe…

She got up and walked over to her door and stepped out, looking at Dirk’s door and expecting him to be out. But what she saw instead was a soft light coming from under the door, signifying he was still home and awake. With a deep breath she walked over and raised her hand to knock, only to pause and stare at the wood. She started doubting her right to interrupt him when their last talk flashed to mind. He had opened up to her a little and she had done the same, they had shared a moment and she felt…closer to him. She didnt feel like a burden as much.

So with more confidence than she had she grabbed the handle and turned it, letting the light wash over her warmly as she gazed at his back, sitting at his desk across the room making something. She only hesitated for a moment before her body relaxed and she smiled a little, taking a step in.

“ H-hey Dirk…I cant sleep…do you mind if I hang in here for awhile?” 

She shut the door behind her when she saw him smile while declaring she can have his bed since he’ll be up awhile longer.

She fell into a peaceful sleep that night, feeling safe and at home.

End

Tadaaaa, this took a long while to write but I hope it was worth the wait! And I hope you guys like it!

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[antihero-writings]

The Things We Say Aloud—Pandora Hearts Fic for Phmonth18 Rainsworth Trio Week—Prompt 2: Family (Full Fic)

Fic Title: The Things We Say Aloud

Fic Synopsis: The Rainsworth Trio has a tradition of midnight snowball fights. But what if this is Break’s last?

Notes: This is another fic I wrote last Christmas (for the prompt “Rain”), but I think will work well for Phmonth18. I think it works best for the Rainsworth Trio Prompt 2: Family. You don’t have to have read the previous Christmas fic to understand it, but they are supposed to take place in the same year, and there are a few connections/references between them. (The other one is called “In Plain Sight” and you can read it on this blog, and/or at I_prefer_the_term_antihero ‘s Ao3!)

Out of all the PH fics I’ve written so far, this is honestly probably my favorite. I would deeply appreciate it if you commented to let me know you enjoyed it!

I feel like the Rainsworth Trio–especially Sharon and Break–don’t really talk about Break’s death, even though they know it’s coming. I thought it would be interesting to explore how such a conversation would go, and almost made myself cry writing it!

Also, point of interest, a song that I think works really well for the section of this fic where Break is pondering if it will be his last Christmas is “Into the Open Air” from the Brave soundtrack.

P.S. This is a repost of an old fic!

Fic:

Rain pounded its tune on the roof. It was the kind of rain that swarms the air, making it misty, grey, and cold with the buzzing of a thousand tiny drops.

It wasn’t that he disliked the rain. There will always be something about the rain that’s soothing to people dealing with sorrow. But rain like this; that pounds, and pounds, and doesn’t dissipate, sometimes serves to extend the mistiness inside too. Though it could be a rest, a relief, people like him always pray for the sun to come back. For sunny days and summer light were something people like him, with red eyes, and a past full of sin, knew they didn’t deserve, but couldn’t help seeking all the same.

Xerxes Break walked through the hallway of the Rainsworth manor. He wore his turquoise and gold outfit, half of his white hair falling across his shoulder, the other, shorter side, messily added to the covering the bandages provided—bandages over the place where his left eye should have been, though it rarely bled anymore.

As he passed by one of the rooms, he saw Sharon. She looked so small, but so regal, sitting on the windowsill, with her back to the glass, now frosted with condensation. Her chestnut hair was pulled back with a ribbon, and she was wearing her little pink dress. The little girl was pouting, staring at the ground, her arms folded over her chest in the characteristic expression children wear when they don’t get their way.

He paused, resting his hand on the doorframe.

She lifted her head.

When she met his eyes, he remembered very quickly that was not in his skill set to comfort little girls.

When he glanced back, she was giving him a look that said Well? Aren’t you going to come comfort me?

He knew better than to disobey such a look. He took a deep breath and walked in, hopping up on the windowsill next to her.

Like the rain, it wasn’t that he disliked kids, he just didn’t know how to deal with them. When they cried and threw tantrums…in short, he didn’t know how to deal with emotion (well, strong ones anyways). He couldn’t help hoping that kids like her could stay happy, and innocent forever. Like he had hoped for his young mistress from another time, and seen it go so very wrong, then later heard, through his own interference, that he had made it go far worse. But children would have to get hurt, they would have to grow up, some day. And in turn, they would become the kinds of creatures who hurt, and caused pain, who even killed, and made excuses for it…creatures like himself.

Luckily, he found that Sharon was a much happier, much kinder, much stronger child than most.

When she didn’t speak—(he didn’t dare ask, for fear of making it worse)—he turned to look outside the window.

“Xerx-niisan,” she began at last, “Why is the sky crying?”

He turned back to her, raising an eyebrow. “Huh?”

They weren’t siblings; they weren’t even remotely related. But for some reason, the name fixed itself in her mouth, and nothing he did or said could change that.

She could be a little tyrant sometimes.

At his misunderstanding, she continued to pout, averting her eyes. Then she jerked back to look at him, (he flinched a little), and said in a high pitched voice, “It’s almost Christmas! Why is it raining? It should be snowing!”

“Oh,” he relaxed a little, contemplating his response, “Well…it’s not going to stop raining just because you want it to. Sometimes,” he gave a sardonic smile that was more painful than the frown that seemed fixed on his face, looking away into the rain, as if he would find answers reading the drops, “things…people…that should be happy, just can’t be. And no matter how much you want something…”

He trailed off, and when he turned back, he saw tears welling in her eyes.

Nice going, Xerxes, you barely have to open your mouth to make a little girl cry.

There they were, brimming to the surface: all those emotions he didn’t know what to do with. He could only sit there, waiting for her own brand of rain to start, wanting more than anything to escape, to not have to figure out the right words to fix her.

It was the crying he hated the most. Maybe it was because it reminded him too much of a certain day, long ago, of a certain girl…but the snow did fall that day…

Still, he wasn’t going to tell her that if she just wished hard enough, if she believed in hope, the-general-goodness-of-the-world-and-its-inhabitants, and maybe a little bit of magic, that the snow would fall, that she could change things. Wishes were dangerous things, and he didn’t suggest anyone make them. You never know who, or what, might be listening.

Fortunately, before the tears reached her cheeks, Sharon’s mother, Shelly Rainsworth, appeared at the doorway. She looked almost exactly like an older version of her daughter, the same chestnut hair, the same smile that shined with a light of its own.

Upon seeing the tearful look on her daughter’s face, she marched into the room, put her hands on her hips, and turned to Break.

“Xerxes,” she said his name like he really was Sharon’s brother, “what did you say to her?”

“Why do you assume it was my fault, Shelly-sama?” he muttered, sounding like the child she was calling out.

“Let’s just say you have a habit of stepping on people’s feelings.”

He sighed. “I was only telling her that it won’t start snowing simply because she wants it to.”

“It’s almost Christmas, mother!” Sharon said like she was pleading her case, the tears reappearing in her eyes.

Shelly smiled, shaking her head.

“What am I going to do with you two?” she crouched down in front of Sharon, and paused, contemplating her own question for a moment. “Tell you what, sweetie; I can’t promise it’ll start snowing because you want it to, but I can promise this:” she pushed her daughter’s tears away, “The moment it starts snowing—or, I suppose,” she interrupted herself, “the moment there’s enough snow on the ground, but no later!—we’ll go outside, and have a snowball fight. How does that sound?”

“Really?” Sharon raised her head, the sadness lifting a little.

“Even if I’m busy, or it starts snowing in the middle of the night,” Shelly elaborated, grinning, “No, especially, if it’s in the middle of the night,” she placed a finger on Sharon’s nose, at which the little girl giggled, “I’ll wake you up—or you me—then, while everyone else is asleep, we’ll run around the house in just our pajamas and coats, we’ll wake Xerxes—”

“What?!” Break blurted out.

“Yes, we’ll wake Xerxes,” she repeated smirking, “drag him outside—”

“Do I get a say in this?!”

“Nope,” she grinned mischievously, “Don’t think I’m letting you get out of this one.”

“Tch.” He looked away.

She walked calmly to the couch, picked up one of the pillows, as if she was going to fluff it, brought it over to them, and smacked him with it.

He growled, his red eye starting to blaze, like some caged beast.

She threw the pillow back onto the couch, sighing, saying seriously, “I don’t want you sitting here on this windowsill forever…I know, somewhere inside you, there’s someone…” she pondered it, then smiled, saying simply, “Someone who’s not afraid. You’re stronger than you think. Deep down, I think, these sorts of things that seem childish, like snowball fights, and tea-parties,” she smirked, “fun things, you actually enjoy.”

He looked away, as if knowing he could only disappoint her.

She added softly, placing a finger on his chin, making him look at her,

“We’ll see that smile someday, Xerxes Break.”

He stared at her as she took her fingers away, then he blinked, averting his eyes again. murmuring something about, “Really, Shelly-sama…I’d just ruin—”

“Sharon,” Shelly interrupted his mutterings, turning to her daughter, “Do you think Xerxes should sit here sulking, day in and day out, or do you think he should join our snowball fight?”

“Xerx-niisan should come with us!” she didn’t even take a breath before she answered.

He stared into the little girl’s eyes, so full of hope, no question, no hesitation, just…kindness, endless kindness.

Shelly smiled at her daughter, which turned into devious smirk when she looked at him.

“Checkmate.”

He bit his lip before jumping back down to the ground, muttering incoherently his displeasure, knowing once they were set, he couldn’t change their minds.

They could be tyrants sometimes.

Most people wouldn’t have gone near him, much less want him to be a part of something…well, fun. He knew what people said about him. It didn’t matter, it had been a long time since he had cared what other people thought, plus, he more than welcomed the lack of company. But, the thing is, he knew they were right; he was creepy, and dark, and very, very dangerous. So, he too, often wondered why they had taken him in, why they treated him like something worth saving, worth dragging out of bed for snowball fights, and tea-parties, rather than being sure, like rest of the world was—like he was—that he would just darken everything with any amount of light in it.

That’s what Children of Misfortune were for, right?

A little girl, who should have been more scared of him than anyone, who should’ve wanted him as far away from her and her snowball fights than anyone, could not only go near him, but fail to hesitate as she bounded up to this dark-and-dangerous man, looked into that blood-red eye, and asked him why the sky was crying, gave him flowers, and called him “brother.”

And that was worth more to him than he would ever dare admit aloud.

*****

It was from nightmares about knights, and blood, little girls, dolls, and names that he never mentioned, that Xerxes Break awoke from.

Breath and heartbeat weighed heavily on his chest. Once the memories faded enough for him to remember that, though it may have been real, it was not now, he gritted his teeth together, slamming his fist into the wall behind him. He didn’t care how much pain was pulsating through his hand.

If only it would take his mind off the throbbing in his empty eye socket.

If he had been a weaker man, perhaps he would have screamed, even cried, perhaps he would have whispered something pitifully to the sheets about not wanting to remember again, not wanting nightmares like this one to show their faces in his head. But he had already made a wish, and these nightmares were its descendants. He didn’t have the authority to dream anymore.

All he had was the anger and regret surging through his body, and nowhere for it to go, except make his past a weapon that shattered him just as much as it did his enemies, into glass shards, and cold bones, and bloodstained roles.

Still, there was some part of him that hoped after so many years they would have stopped haunting him. And sure, maybe it wasn’t every night, but they did come. Perhaps that’s why they call them ghosts; There were too many horrors to be reminded of, too many sins to feel guilty for, too little he could do to fix it, and the nightmares were all too eager for the task. One lifetime was not enough for them to let him forget.

They say ‘there’s no rest for the wicked’, and his mind was often cruel enough to remind him.

When he raised his gaze, he saw that the curtain was open just slightly, and something in the sliver of window flickered.

The Mad Hatter sighed, throwing his legs over the side of the bed.

It was awfully cold.

He stepped up to the window, gently pulling back the curtain, just enough so he could see.

He drew in a breath softly, his eye widening at the view:

It was snowing.

There was enough moonlight to see flakes falling upon the grounds—which were cloaked in white by now.

Like that time years ago, for the whole month, the only thing that fell from the clouds was rain, and finally, the sky decided that Christmas Eve was no time to be laying in bed, sleeping, or else dreaming about past follies.

“Well, Shelly-sama, what do you think?” he spoke softly to the merciful sky, “One last snowball fight?” he paused a moment, turning, leaning against the window, as if waiting for an answer to be whispered in his ear.

He stepped over to his wardrobe, throwing a coat over his pajamas, taking up some winter gloves, putting on socks and boots, and, as always, placing Emily on his shoulder (she wouldn’t want to miss this).

Lighting the candelabra on his nightstand, he ventured into the hallway, making his way toward Sharon’s bedroom.

Opening the door as quietly as he could, he walked in, setting the light on her nightstand.

Sharon was sleeping soundly on her curtained bed, her hair splayed all over the sheets, wrinkled in the night’s sleep, and she hugged her pillow.

He resisted the urge to laugh at her un-proper appearance.

Break sat on the side of her bed, by her head, saying quietly,

“Ojousama.”

She stirred in her sleep, muttering something indecipherable.

He gently ran his hand through her hair, saying louder, “Sharon.”

She blinked open fuchsia eyes to see her servant.

“Break,” she muttered his name softly.

Slowly, she sat up, yawning, looking around.

“Break, what’re you…?” she began, fatigue weighing down her words, then shook it away by shaking her head, “What are you doing in my room?! In the middle of the night! How dare you wake me up!”

He knew what was coming next: she grabbed one of the pillows, and he dodged it before she hit him with it. “Do you think you can just come in here as you please?!”

“Really, Ojousama,” he laughed, standing back up, “You think I’d risk injury without good reason?”

She folded her arms over her chest, pouting. He walked over to the window, throwing open the curtain, standing beside it.

“This better not be one of your pranks, Break,” she muttered, walking over to the window.

“Relax. When have I ever been that cruel?”

She glared at him, as if to say I-could-name-a-few-times, then turned to the window, surveying the landscape outside.

Her aggravated expression broke for widened eyes and a smile.

“Break!” she exclaimed, all grievance forgotten, grabbing his hands and spinning him around, “It’s snowing!!” she let go of him, and jumped up on the bed, repeating, “It’s snowing!! It’s snowing!!”

He smirked, folding his arms over his chest; No matter how old she really was, she still looked like that little kid to him.

“What do you say?” he helped her down from the bed, “One last snowball fight?”

“What are you talking about ‘one last’?” she grabbed the pillow and managed to catch him off guard this time. “You better not be talking about that again!”

She didn’t wait for him to respond as she dropped the pillow and ran over to her wardrobe, found a little coat to throw over her nightshirt, boots, and gloves, then handed him a ribbon to tie her hair back.

“Ready?” he tapped her on the shoulder when he had finished tying her hair.

She nodded, beaming.

They weren’t too far from Reim’s room when Break asked her to hold the candelabra, and stepped down the stairs to the front door.

“Where are you going?” she asked, “Reim’s room is this way.”

“This will only take a moment,” he grinned.

She put her hand on her hip, scowling at him as he ran out the front door. Quickly he returned, with the first snowball in his gloved hand.

“Break! Just what are you intending to do with that?!”

“You’ll see!” said Emily.

Sharon sighed, placing her head in her hand.

Reim stayed at the Rainsworth’s often enough that he had his own room (albeit, not a very fancy one). They quietly entered it to see the servant laying on a bed, much neater than either of theirs, facing away from them. His glasses, and some extra paperwork he just couldn’t leave at work, lay dormant on his nightstand.

Break tiptoed up to his friend, gently pulled back the collar of his shirt, and stuffed a snowball down the back of his shirt.

It was a moment before it took effect, but when it did, Reim skyrocketed out of bed, dancing around, until the snow fell onto the floor.

Break could barely contain his laughter.

He rested his hands on his knees panting. When he regained his bearings enough to figure out what had just happened, and saw Break laughing, he shouted,

“XERXES, YOU BASTARD!!”

Reim lunged at Break, at which the older man only needed to step out of the way, to make Reim trip onto the floor.

“Yes, a tired Reim-san, without his glasses, is definitely a match for me,” he remarked, leaning over him,

“A normal Reim-san isn’t exactly a match either!” Emily squeaked.

“Now, now Emily,” Break chided his doll playfully, “we mustn’t rub this sort of thing in people’s faces.”

“I’m gonna kill you,” Reim’s voice was muffled by the floor

Break laughed, “Is that so?”

“All in good fun!” Emily chirped.

“It’s not fun for me!” he retorted, sitting up, “How can your idea of fun be tormenting your best friend!” Reim got up off the floor and sat on his bed.

“Come now, Reim-san, ‘torment’ is a little harsh, don’t you think?”

“I meant what I said! I mean, who in their right mind thinks a good way to wake their friend up is to stuff freezing-cold snow—”

He interrupted himself, looking at each of them with question in his eyes. He repeated the word, “Snow…?”

Sharon and Break grinned at each other.

Break helped his friend up, saying, “And whoever said I was in my right mind? Didn’t you know? All the best people are mad.”

Reim rolled his eyes.

Sharon and Break stepped up to the window to unveil the answer to his question. Reim followed to inspect the view outside.

Then he looked at each of them, shaking his head and smiling. “Really, you two, after all these years…”

He trailed off, going over to his wardrobe to put on the winter clothes he kept there.

They barely had time to blow out the candles before Sharon grabbed both their hands and dragged them out into the moonlit hall.

They were like little kids trying to get a peek at Santa; bumbling down the hall, almost falling over each other, shushing each other, as they made their way through the manor, down the stairs, out the front door, into the cold grounds.

Even with their winter clothing, the cold still crept in. The snow muffled ordinary sounds, falling seamlessly, sparks of scattered moonlight gleaming off the flakes.

“So, we’ll—” Reim was interrupted by Break throwing a snowball at the back of his head.

“Oy! I was talking!” he whirled around.

“What’s there to talk about, Reim-san?” Break tossed another snowball up and down in his hand.

“I was simply—”

This time it was Sharon who threw the snowball at his face.

“Nice shot, Ojousama,” Break mentioned.

“Thank you,” she grinned, “You’re next, Xerx-niisan.”

“Alright, you two are going down,” Reim challenged.

“That’s more like,” Break smirked.

It didn’t make sense that three adults could have so much fun doing something so childish as playing in the snow. But between exploding snow and shouting, their laughter was what radiated like light from the scene. Maybe they forgot they weren’t children, they forgot that they had grown up things to do, responsibilities to attend to, and that the world was really comprised of blood and pain, and worthless names, not innocence and friendship.

The mad tea party, forever trapped in a moment, forgotten by time.

It was a while later when another voice broke through:

“Hey, what are you guys doing?”

They paused, turning to see Oz at one of the balconies.

“Our humblest apologies, Oz-sama!” Reim shouted back, bowing low, “We didn’t intend to be so loud!”

“No worries!” he yawned, “Are you…having a snowball fight?”

“That’s right, Oz-kun,” Break answered, “Would you like to join us?”

“Really?! You’ll let me?!”

“Sure,” he tossed a snowball up and down in his hand again, “but we certainly won’t be going easy on you!”

Oz beamed. “Hang on a sec! Lemme grab Gil and Alice!”

Not long afterwards, they heard the all-too-familiar sounds of Gilbert and Alice shouting, and they their annoyed faces appeared on the balcony.

“Why are you three having a snowball fight at 6:00 in the morning!” Gilbert yelled down to them.

“Oh? You scared you didn’t make the cut?” Break taunted . “Clown! Is this your doing?!” Alice demanded, “I’ll come down there and make you pay for waking me up!”

As Break spoke to them, Reim saw it as an opportunity to get his own revenge, and snuck up behind him. Break, of course, still heard him coming and, once again, tripped him, as he got close.

Break walked around him in a circle, grinning shaking his head, “You’re going to have to try harder than that to beat me.”

Reim gave an expression akin to Gilbert’s evil eye.

Break kicked some snow onto his head as he walked by, just to rub it his face (quite literally).

Oz, Gilbert, and Alice tumbled down the front steps, already laughing and yelling at each other before they even joined the fight.

“Well look who it is,” Break taunted, leaning over them, then Emily continued,

“The dumb bunny, the spoiled brat, and—” he didn’t get to finish, because the two lunged at him.

There weren’t really any teams, or way of keeping score—it was everyone against everyone else, though each of them had their own approach: Gilbert had a more meticulous method; creating a stash of snowballs, and walls to hide behind, (often getting hit in the building process). Oz was would sneak up on people, and took particular pleasure in knocking down, or stealing, Gil’s hard work, while Alice ran around pelting everyone in sight, holding a particular grudge against anyone who landed a hit on her (who were mostly Break and Oz).

Near the end of their fight, as Break snuck up on Sharon, just about to land a hit on her, he found himself falling, and was then somehow on the other side of the yard,

He paused to regain his bearings, and stood back up to his full height, quickly discerning what had happened.

“Is that really fair, Ojousama?” he called across the yard, knowing she had used her Chain.

She chuckled like it was a trivial offense, “Since when have you cared what’s fair Xerx-niisan?”

Well, she got me there.

It was at this moment he felt a rush of cold! against his neck, and tensed, resisting the urge to spill some choice words. He spun around to see that Reim had been waiting behind a nearby tree and, as he addressed his mistress, Reim had managed to get the perfect revenge.

Break pulled back his shirt to make sure the snow fell, scowling at his friend.

“Say it,” Reim folded his arms over his chest.

“What? That you got me?”

Reim’s expression was unmoving.

“I’ll say nothing of the sort, Reim-san,” he flicked his glasses, “After all, you merely copied me. You should be more creative next time.”

Reim’s fingers curled into fists, practically growling at him.

“I didn’t know we could use Chains!” Oz called, running up to them, having noticed Sharon’s expert use of Eques, (but not the following exchange between Break and Reim.)

“Seaweed-head! Release my limiter!” Alice shouted when she heard, “I want to smash the clowny bastard to smithereens!”

“Is that so?” Break called, “You really want to go down that path, Alice-kun?” Break smirked evilly, “My Mad Hatter would destroy you before Gilbert-kun even had the chance.”

“You wanna go, clown!” Alice hollered, and Gilbert had to hold her back to keep her from rushing at him with teeth and claws.

Reim looked worried, and Oz—wearing a similar expression—spoke in hushed tones, “No, Alice! You don’t want to go up against his Mad Hatter!”

“Try me, Manservant!”

“Break! No one wants to see you killing yourself over some stupid fight with some little girl!” Gilbert scolded.

“Oy! Who you callin’ ‘some little girl’?!” Alice snapped at Gilbert.

That seemed to return Reim to his senses,

“That’s right!” Reim scolded, “What did I tell you about being reckless with your powers?!”

“Always so tense, you two,” he walked up to Alice and ruffled her hair, “I’m only teasing.”

Alice broke free, and the fight resumed, though the others were glad to see neither managed to draw blood, and that it quickly returned to the antics of the snowy game.

And for one brief moment, Break forgot about everything else. About the nightmares, the regrets, and the answers he clung to so desperately as a reason to keep himself from falling further. And for one moment, he could see those flickering lights behind dark eyes, and he was happy he could feel the cold biting his skin, he was happy he could see their faces—rosy-cheeked, all smiles and laughs, even if they were yelling at him—for one precious flicker of a moment, he was happy to be alive.

That moment would end. The shadows would crawl back from the corners of his mind, the smiles would become fake again, the world would become a wax museum of happiness. Reasons that were just that, empty reasons; desire had left them behind in an alleyway long ago, for better, darker wishes. The pain would come back, and once again he’d convince himself, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care about them. About what happens to me. The snow white chaos would return to tears too fast. But in this moment, it was okay. He was okay.

Sharon and Reim ran at him, but instead of getting out of the way, this time he let them bowl him over, the three of them collapsing in the snow.

Shock flitted across their faces, which broke for smiles.

He wanted to say he was sorry. He wanted to tell them over and over I love you both so very much. But he wasn’t the only one who knew that those words falling from Xerxes Break’s lips was all too close to admitting defeat. Because if he admitted he cared, then he wouldn’t be able to let them go when the end came. And he knew it would come all too soon. His lips wouldn’t dare betray him with such miserable words.

So they settled for a smile.

His real smile. Not the smirks and grins he gave away at a moment’s notice. The smile that was barely perceptible, but which, for them, captured within its folds more sunlight than anything else in their world.

Sharon and Reim glanced at each other, then smiled back at him, deciding not to sully the moment with words.

And, as soon as it came, the true smile was replaced with a smirk.

“You two really are gullible,” he put snow in their hair.

They jumped up, shouting his name, trying to rub it out, then quickly ran after him.

He couldn’t tell them the truth. He couldn’t tell them that he was thinking how this might be his last Christmas. He couldn’t tell them how he was wondering if they would still put his stocking on the mantelpiece when he was gone.

He didn’t get a chance to anyways, because it wasn’t long afterwards when beads of citrus and crimson light began tracing the navy sky.

They paused, panting, raising their eyes to look into the sunrise.

For a moment they stared silently at the art the morning made of daybreak, gentle smiles tracing their lips at the beauty.

Then Oz broke in, exclaiming,

“Merry Christmas, everyone!”

“Merry Christmas!” they answered, a little tiredly.

“What do you guys think?” Reim asked, “Ready to go inside?”

“Aww, but we were having so much fun!” Oz protested, trying to mask the fatigue in his voice.

“Easy for you to say, we’re exhausted!”

“To be fair, we were out here much longer than them,” Break panted, realizing just how tired he was. “Perhaps I have gotten old after all. If you youngin’s want to go on—” he flapped a shirt sleeve their direction.

“There he goes again calling himself old!”

Sharon broke in, “Don’t you want to open presents?”

“Presents?!” Oz repeated, like a dog who had seen a squirrel, glancing at Gilbert and Alice, his grin widening.

They began to make their way inside, still laughing and talking about the plays they each had made, and how they would eventually get each other back. As they walked back, instead of joining the conversation, Sharon gently tugged on the corner of Break’s coat, holding him back.

He turned to see that instead of the tired, but joy-full smile that had traced her face moments earlier, she was hanging her head low.

“Ojousama?” he asked worriedly, crouching down beside her, seeing tears begin to grace her cheeks.

The others noticed, and stopped too.

“Xerxes! What did you do?!” Reim demanded.

“Yeah, Break! How dare you make a girl cry on Christmas?!” Oz questioned, running up to her.

He rolled his eyes at them.

“I’m fine, everyone,” Sharon reassured them, giving a somewhat plastered smile, “I’ll just be a moment.”

They all glanced at each other, knowing something was clearly wrong.

“Are you sure?” Gilbert asked.

“Yeah, Sharon-chan, if you need something—”

“Yes. Please, go inside. Break and I will catch up with you.”

They glanced at each other.

“Alright, Sharon-chan. Just let us know if you need anything, okay?” Oz put a hand on her shoulder.

“Thank you, Oz-sama,” she smiled.

The others gave similar smiles back to her, then they gave Break a collective you-better-not-make-this-worse look before walking up the stairs into the manor.

“Sharon?” he asked softly.

No matter how many years went by, he still couldn’t handle the sight of a child in tears.

“Xerx-niisan,” he could tell she was fighting back against the tears, “What if… What if this is your last Christmas?”

He gasped; he didn’t expect her to be thinking about the same thing.

“What if…” she continued, breath taut, “What if we never get to have another snowball fight? What if…?”

“Well,” he rubbed his neck, looking away, “you and Reim can still—”

“Don’t act like everything will be the same when you’re gone!” she threw snow into his face.

He fell back onto his elbows, gently brushing it out of his hair. After a moment a laugh bubbled in his throat, and he put his hand on his face.

“What’s so funny?!” she demanded, scowling.

Obviously that was the wrong thing to do.

If only she had chosen someone else to comfort her; someone like Oz, who could read the situation, and chose his words carefully. Or Gilbert, who was sensitive enough to understand. Even Reim would be better, despite his rather unemotional, straightforward nature. But she had chosen him.

“It’s funny…to tell you the truth,” his voice became more serious, “It’s just…I was thinking about the same thing.”

Shock added to the concoction of hurt and yearning in her eyes.

“Y-You were?”

He looked at the ground and nodded ever so slightly.

“How dare you laugh at that?” she balled a fist in the snow, but the strength seemed to leave her.

She shook her head, tears fluttering back to her eyes, “You can’t…Xerx-niisan, you can’t! I…I don’t want to be alone!” she put her arms around him and fell onto him.

His eye was wide, his breath harsh and cold as he looked at the girl in his arms, forgetting for a less than a moment that she was not that little girl in a darkened room, surrounded by coffins.

He shook his head of the memory.

“You won’t be alone, you’ll have Reim, and Sheryl-sama, and—”

She lifted her head to scowl at him, as if to say must-I-repeat-what-I-said and he cleared his throat, changing his method of attack.

“Well, I won’t go down easy, that’s for sure. But, despite how it might seem,” he gently ran his finger along her cheek, giving that sad but true smile, and whispered, “I am not that strong.”

“You think you can talking about you dying all the time and I’ll just—?!” she tried to fight back, to be angry, but her words fell like the snow, and she murmured again, she let her head fall back onto his shoulder, and whispered back, “Xerx-niisan…”

He gently wrapped his own arms around her.

“I want to be there for you…” she murmured, “I don’t want you to do something stupid…You’re always running into fights without a second thought…” she sobbed for a moment before saying, “Maybe we could…maybe we could stop it? I-I could go into the fights with Eques…Oz-sama and Gilbert-sama—”

He pressed a kiss into her hair, and as she lifted her head off his shoulder to look at him with the wide and teary eyes of her younger self. The look in his eyes was enough to say I’m sorry, Sharon.

“It’s just like I told you, Ojousama,” he ran his fingers through her hair, and murmured into her ear, “No matter how much I may want it to, I can’t stop it from raining.”

She lifted her head off his shoulder to look at him.

“No matter how much we might want it to, we can make the snow fall. Our wishes can’t change things. Even if…” his words were blown by the wind into the stars.

She shook her head gently, murmuring that name.

“Just promise me you won’t make any illegal contracts to bring me back,” he laughed a little, which turned into a grimace, and she knew just how serious he was being.

She smiled for the first time since the conversation started. “I promise.”

For a moment they sat there, together, in a sort of limbo, watching as the sunrise turned into a light blue sky—a present sorrow caught between the earlier joy, wondering which emotion of the two would soon come. Moments were so finicky.

“I can’t promise I’ll have another Christmas, but we still have today. Let’s not waste it with talking about depressing things.”

She nodded, smiling.

He gently reached down and picked her up.

“Xerx-niisan!” she protested at first.

He touched her nose with his finger.

After a moment, as he took her inside, she rested her head against him sleepily, murmuring, “Xerx-niisan, I don’t want…I don’t want you to pretend you’re okay for my sake.”

His eye widened and he jerked his head to look at her.

“Don’t give me that look,” she responded, “I know you do it. You think I can’t handle it.”

He took a deep breath, “I’m fine, Ojousama,” he murmured, and smiled, “It’s Christmas, after all.”

She shook her head, “No you’re not!”

Once again he kissed her head gave her his real smile, “No, really, Sharon. I am. At least for today.”

The smile she returned was real too.

And that was worth far more to them than either of them needed to say aloud.

[gummyleesunshine]

Hot Mornings and Cold Nights

Genre: romance and angst

Warning: a bit of make out and sex

----

You open the curtain, letting the sun sip through. You wrap the robe tighter around your waist, it was 7 in the morning yet the room felt cold.

You turn your head and stare at the sleeping figure on the bed. You walk towards Like hot mornings and cold nights fluffy caramel hair then slowly down to every part of his face, admiring it.

You still remember the first time you saw him. Your breath hitched as soon as he walked in the room. At first you noticed how his face was perfect, he had bushy brows that matched his almond shaped eyes, his nose bridge was long and his lips had the perfect cupid bow. He had the face of a responsible and reliable boy who you'd bring home and your parents would love.

He was your bestfriend Lucas' roommate and brought him along as the plus one for the party. Lucas leads him to you and introduces him as Kun. Even his name matched his face.

He stuck out a hand and you shook it. He then gives a big smile and a deep dimple pops out. You cursed inside your head, you were a sucker for guys with dimples.

And as the night deepened you saw how Kun was, all nice and friendly. The exact guy you expected him to be.

Then beer came to the picture. He had low alcohol tolerance, yet he kept drinking, not able to refuse whatever Lucas gave him. 4 glasses and he was a mess. A cute mess. While you on the other hand, you had high tolerance but you only got yourself to 3 glasses making sure to be the sober one in the group.

The party was still on going but looking at the two boys all drunk, you decided it was time to head home. Despite their dorms being on the other side of where you lived, you still chose to bring them home.

Arriving to their dorms, you flopped Lucas on his bed and did the same with Kun. You were about to leave when a hand held your wrist. You looked back and see Kun sitting up holding your wrist.

"Ill bring you home." He slurred.

You raised an eyebrow at him. "Youre drunk."

"Nothing fresh air can fix." He replied. He lifted himself up, slightly wobbling. You reached for his hand, giving him support. He thanked you with smile. Before heading out, you fixed Lucas up and tucked him under his blanket.

You both chose to walk instead of taking the bus thinking it was better to have some fresh air. You stopped by a park and sat there for a few minutes just taking in the view of colorful bright lights hanging on th trees and the small bridges. Kun leaned his head on your head and let out a deep sigh.

After the park, you had bits of stop overs from the tiny ice cream shop to the cafe for coffee take out. Kun was drunk but he could still keep a conversation. Both you talked about the most random things from which building you thinks the tallest to favorite superheroes to how Lucas is crazy. The topics kept rolling that you didnt realize you were by your gate already. Your heart ached, you still wanted to keep talking to him. You couldnt even do the 'invite for coffee or food inside' since you already had that a while ago.

You were about to open you mouth to say something when his lips crashed into yours. You were shocked, confused and was processing what was happening. He realized you werent responding and was about to pull away, when you held his face and deepened the kiss. You werent sure what was happening, maybe it was the alcohol or maybe it was something else but you wanted it to last. Kun held your waist bringing you closer to him.

You woke up to the sound of your alarm. You threw a pillow at it making it fall to the ground and probably broken. You try to roll to your side only to be constricted somewhere on your waist area. You place your hand on your waist but instead you feel a large hand. Your eyes widen. You looked down the blanket and realized you were naked. You slowly turned your head around to the side and saw Kun sleeping beside you, shirtless.

He pulled his hand away and placed it on top of his eyes, groaning. He then turned his head and gave the same reaction as you. His eyes grew wide and he started going white.

"Oh shit."

---

You chuckle remembering that incident 6 years ago that had led to this. Your lips turn to a thin line and you pull your hand away from his face.

"Why'd you do that?" A mumble said. Kun rolls to his side going nearer to you. He pulls your hand and places it back on his face. His other hand wraps around yous bum and pulls you to him. He places soft kisses on your thighs and looks up at you through his lashes. He then pulls you down, you in an uncomfortable position—your body bent down and your legs dangling on the bed. He pulls you in on a kiss and leaves soft kisses on your jaw. You climb yourself on bed and stradle him getting a soft moan from his parted lips.

After having a steamy morning sex on bed, it follows then on the shower then the kitchen. That was the routine.

Kun places you down from the bar table and grabs a handful of tissue handing them to you. You grab it and dab on the beads of sweat on your face while Kun wipes you in the lower area. You eye Kun, following his every movement. There it was again, the painful feeling in your heart.

Kun stands up and you stretch your hands out fixing his tie. You tiptoe and stroke his hair, fixing the tiny strands poking out. Kun holds your waist and stare at your eyes. You stare back at him too and he gives his dimple smile. He leans down and kisses your forehead.

He slowly pushes himself away from you. He grabs his bag and walks to the door. You tightly fist your skirt, the aching feeling back again. Kun turns around but freezes when he sees you looking panicked.

"y/n." He calls out, slowly walking to you.

"Stop." You say, voice shaking.

Kun stops on his tracks.

Youre eyes are wet and tears are pooling on your eyes. "It hurts Kun," you touch your heart. "Here." Tears already slipping out

"y/n." he calls out again.

Before he could say anything, you cut him off first. "Just go. Please." You look away. "Ill see you tomorrow at dawn as always."

Kun sighs deeply. He clenches his hands hard, his knuckles turning white. "Im sorry." He said before turning away and leaving the flat.

You fall to your knees crying. You've loved him for a long time and now here you are. This is all your fault.

---

After the incident long time ago, you two became inseparable. Casual hang outs, dates and sex here and there. Slowly without realizing it you were falling for him. You became dependent on him, you kept relying on him. It was all perfect

However, things turned upside down. After graduating college, he was introduced to a girl by his family. It was arranged marriage. When Kun told you all this, you didnt know what to do but give him the smile and comforting words he needed.

Just like that you were drifting apart, he needed to be with her, get to know her. If he wasnt with her he was busy with work. You could only hang out every once in a while. Get some coffees, trying to update each other about life then say your goodbyes.

Until that day when you were out drinking with Lucas and friends when you reached your limit. You started crying and babbling about Kun. Lucas called Kun to pick you up

When Kun arrived, Lucas said some things to him in a hard tone but you couldnt understand the language. Kun approached you, picked you up and walked you home. You probably fell asleep because next thing you know you were home, on your bed. You propped yourself up with your elbows and saw Kun walking out your room.

You panicked. You picked yourself up and ran up to him. You hugged him and begged him not to leave. Kun stood still while you cried and begged. He turned to face you asking you to stop. You screamed I Love You at him then kissed him.

You woke up and felt a cold bed beside you. You went out your room and see Kun whipping up some breakfast. He greeted you and placed the food on the bar table. He apologetically smiled at you. He was about to leave when you called him. He turned to you.

"What happened yesterday..." you trail off.

"Its fine."

"No. Its not."

Kun looked at you blankly. "y/n"

"Youre not happy with her right?" You swallowed a saliva. "But you have to be with her because of your family."

Kun raised an eyebrow. "What are you insinuating here?" He crossed his arms.

"Fuck friends." You answered quickly and confidently.

Kun froze. His eyes widen and his arms drop. "y/n, are you listening to yourself right now?" He asked in a serious tone. His eyebrows furrowed.

Disappointed flashed through your face. Yes it was desprate and stupid but you didnt want Kun to leave you. You looked down and gripped the hem of your shirt. Yes it was shameful but that didnt matter to you at that moment.

"Kun, I love you." You said softly enough for him to hear.

Kuns face softened. "y/n, dont do this."

You looked up at him desperately. "I love you. I dont want you to leave me. I—"

Kun pulled out his hand, signaling you to stop. "Give me some time." He looked at you sadly. He turned around and left.

You stood there shocked with what just happened. You were never this kind of girl. What happened? Kun happened. The whole day went on like a blurr. You werent functioning properly. You spent your whole day in the flat shutting yourself out, not answering Lucas' texts or calls.

It was 12 pm already yet there you were sitting on the sofa, staring dazely at the movie playing on tv. The ring of the doorbell startled you. You walked lazily to the door, pissed and ready to scold whoever it was. You opened the door but froze as soon as you saw who it was.

Kun pushed you in, pulled your face to his and kissed you roughly. He cornered you between the wall and placed his hands on your ass, squeezing it. You whimpered when he pulled away.

"Deal." He said panting.

You looked at him confused.

"Fuck buddies, fuck friends, whatever you call it." He said.

The sex that happened was rough. You never expected Kun to show or even have this side of him. Your sex was usually loving and soft but this time it was different. He was dominating everything.

He lay down beside you, chest heaving up and down. You turned to him, your head on his biceps. You traced little circles on his chest, staring at his face with droplets of sweat.

"Why."

Kun lookes at you. "What ya mean 'why.'"

"Why'd you say yes. This morning you gave me this disappointed face. I thought Id never see you again."

Kun looked at the ceiling. He opened his mouth but closed it again. "Theyre controlling me. Im like a puppet." He looked back at you. "But with you, I feel free."

You smiled and pecked his cheek. You cuddled close to him, both your breaths harmonizing. You looked at again him. He was already sleeping, his eyebrows furrowed. You rose up and pressed the pad of your index on the middle of his brows. It relaxed. You looked at his features and sighed sadly.

He's using you.

You pecked the middle of his brow then lay back down to the same position, slowly dozing off.

Just like that you became fuck buddies and had a schedule planned. Hed come to you at dawn and leave before lunch for work. That simple. He'd text you or call you when he couldnt come. You two would spend time occasionally with Lucas but the girl was always around.

The whole time both of you were together you never heard him reply to your I Love You's. He'd either nod, reply with a hum or he'd give that dimpled smile of his.

---

This kept going on until now. 6 years. You waking up to a hot morning and going to bed with a cold night.

---

You're still crying there, unable to recover. You want this to stop but at the same time you didnt. You let out a loud cry, loud enough for the whole neighborhood to hear.

Unknowingly, Kun's still outside, leaning on your door. His head raised up looking at the ceiling light. He closes his eyes, a tear falling.

End

---

I actually hesitates in posting this. I never see Kun being like this. He's more like a brotherly-mother type for me.

Also, its my first time writing with little bits of making out so, Im sorry if it kinda sucks.

Hope you enjoy it.

[buckymcbuttfacebarnes]

Yearn

pairing: bucky x reader (greek mythology au)

word count: about 2k

summary: bucky yearns for y/n!

warnings: bucky gets into a fight!! theres fluff and angst

a/n: y’all i really like this one, i hope y’all do too! it’s pretty vague in terms of the greek mythology stuff, so you literally dont need to know anything abt mythology to understand lmao, just know that when i say ‘the gods’ those r who im talkin about!!!!!! anyways love feedback, pls let me know what yall think!

He landed on his back with a heavy thud, the wind knocked from his chest. Two lungs immediately began to expand as he gasped to regain the air that had been lost. There was a reverberating pain sourced at his left temple, the spot where the last punch had connected. Dark blotches scarred his vision, he tried to blink them away.

Bucky?

It was her voice. Light as a feather, pleasant and sweet like honey. He’d know it anywhere. Was that her perfume he smelled? It was just a whiff of that familiar scent. Clean like lemon, sweet like lavender. He sat up to find her, barely bending at the waist before falling onto his back with heavy exhalation of breath. A sharp bolt of pain stabbed him in his head, behind his eyes, that punch had been no joke. His vision blackened into nothing.

He woke to the sound of Steve’s voice. He could hear his anger even though his words were hushed. It was morning now, or perhaps afternoon, Bucky didn’t know. He was lying on Steve’s couch. Vague memories of Steve bringing him in last night faded into his mind’s eye, but they were foggy. The only clear thing he could remember was her...the sound of her voice. She was there. She had to be. In a clumsy rush of urgency, Bucky stood from his position on the couch, pausing for the briefest moment to recover from the sudden lightheadedness before he made his move to the kitchen, the source of the hushed voices. He didn’t even notice the ache within his bones.

“Where is she?” Bucky winced when his voice came out a snarl, harsher than he’d meant it to be.

A silence settled within the kitchen as Steve and Sam turned to meet his flickering gaze. “Where is who, Buck?” Steve did not try to hide his exasperation. It was on his face, it was in the way he lifted and dropped his arms to his side helplessly. “Where is who?” he asked again, anger marring his handsome features.

“You know who,” Bucky croaked. His voice was small, he seemed no longer a man, but a boy. He was lost.

“She’s not here. Bucky.” It was Sam who said this, his voice more sympathetic than Steve’s. This was a first.

The long haired man had not realized that his breathing had grown ragged, his heart pounding loudly in his ears, a deafening sound. He leaned against the island that separated him from Steve and Sam, looking from one to the other. His brows furrowed with confusion, his lips parted as he scrambled for words. “She was there,” he claimed. “Last night, I heard—I smelled her! She was there…”

His words seemed to fall upon deaf ears. Steve’s face was hardened into a damning look of what could only be described as contempt. Sam had a sympathetic look on his face, but his eyes shone with pity.

“You must have seen her Steve! She couldn’t have left, she wouldn’t have left me after she saw what happened,” his voice was threaded with desperation.

Steve could only shake his head, expression softening. He too pitied Bucky. “You’ve got to stop doing this to yourself, Buck. Look at yourself.” He gestured to the broken man before him, a heavy breath falling from his lips. “This isn’t the way to...you can’t get over her like this.”

“It’s already been six months.”

Had it really been six whole months since she had gone away? Six months since the gods had cruelly snatched her away from him? Half a year had passed by in an instant, which was odd because every day spent without her had been agonizingly long. Each morning he woke up with his heart lifted with a sense of hope, each night he found himself falling into a disappointed and angry slumber.

“Buck?” Steve interrupted his reverie, looking to him expectantly. “Promise? No more fighting, you’re gonna wind up messing with the wrong guy and you know, who knows what’ll ha—”

“You’ll get really fucked up,” concluded Sam, folding his large arms over his chest. “No more.”

And though he heard them, his friends, trying to save him from his own self-destructive tendencies, the words meant nothing—he could barely comprehend them. His mind had wandered to a faraway place. A place where Y/N was, a place where he would find her. He agreed to stop his fighting to appease them. Nodding his head and meeting their eyes with an earnest look on his face. He had gone three weeks before he reverted back to his instigative mannerisms, looking to feel anything different from the pain of missing her.

Things went on this way for months more until one spring afternoon when he’d discovered Y/N asleep in his bed.

It was four in the afternoon. For the first time in months, Bucky felt a twinge of happiness. It was warm out, warm enough that he could keep his windows open allowing a gentle breeze to flutter at his curtains. The sun shone brightly, it’s golden rays bathing his furniture in a bronze light. Y/N would have loved it. He can imagine her, lounging on their couch, head propped up on her hand as she flipped lazily through the pages of a book. She loved to read. The sun would warm her skin, she would sigh happily. He’d ask her to read out loud, just to hear her honeyed voice.

He left his brown grocery bags untouched on the counter, retreating into the hallway to use the restroom. He turned the corner, surprised to find his bedroom door lying wide open. He typically closed it. Stealthily he made his way to his room, he was not afraid. Nothing seemed to scare him anymore.

Light shone through the blinds of his bedroom window, covering his room in horizontal stripes of golden light. Everything appeared normal. Except his bed. Beneath his white duvet lay a girl. He could see pieces of her hair against his pillow. He blinked. Once, twice, even considered pinching himself. He found that since Y/N left, sometimes he saw her. He wished he did. He approached her now, the duvet was pulled up and over her face. His breath hitched in his throat, suddenly he felt like he couldn’t breath. His heart began to thump a little louder. Twitching fingers grasped the duvet, tentatively peeling back the fluffy fabric.

He felt like he was in a dream.

He was not.

Crouching down to the ground, he looked at her up close. He reached out to touch her, to move the hair from her face, but decided against it, fearing that he might reach out and find once more that she was merely a figment of his wild imagination. A stripe of light lay across her forehead, just above her closed eyes, and near her lips, slightly parted. He could hear her gentle breaths.

He fell asleep by her side that night, his head resting on his folded arms...he was only a few measly inches from her. It was all he wanted. To be close to her again.

He awoke to her singing, refreshing like the sound of gentle waves upon rocks. The room was dark now. Golden light was replaced with a silvery glow. She had opened the blinds fully now, standing at the opened window. A breeze tickled his cheeks, he turned to see her.

“You’ve missed me.” She did not turn around.

Bucky could not speak, he was too stricken by surprise. By happiness.

“I’ve missed you more,” continued Y/N. She was doing her best to subdue the knot of anguish that was rising in her throat. It was difficult to keep her voice from breaking.  “I can’t stay.”

“Can you tell me where you’ve been? Where did they take you?”

“She can’t know I’m here, she’ll have you killed.” Finally she faced him, eyes large. Panicked.

Bucky rose to his feet with surprising swiftness, pulling her into a tight embrace. He pressed his nose into her hair, inhaling deeply. Lemon and lavender. “I love you.”

She said it back without hesitation, her arms wound tight around him, head pressed against his chest. He was warm and familiar. She had missed him. “She may be watching,” she whispered fearfully.

The gods, he thought, would not keep him away from her. He would not let her slip away this time. “Let her watch.”

He kissed her then, almost timidly, on her mouth. Their lips fit together as if they were two pieces of the same puzzle. They moved seamlessly together, hands roaming, lips ravishing. For the first time in nearly two years they had found each other again. The gentle touches of cool fingertips along hot skin, heaving breaths, and sloppy kisses. It felt so natural, unchoreographed and harmonious. It was everything. She was everything.

Naked bodies lay side by side beneath the duvet, hands clutching one another tightly, lovingly.

“Your hair has gotten long,” she commented softly. “It’s beautiful.”

“You’re beautiful.”

He was too caught up in her return to even notice if there had been a change in her appearance. Her hair had grown, but aside from that she looked the same. She had a nearly ethereal glow to her now. It was stunning, she had always been stunning.

“Sometimes I would speak to you...I always hoped you might hear me. I would watch the things that you did when I was gone,” she suddenly murmured, gazing up at the ceiling. “Why would you put yourself through that, James?”

“I heard you.”

He could hear her breath hitch in her throat. He didn’t see the tears that glistened in her eyes.

“It doesn’t matter,” he answered decidedly. “Those things were nothing compared to you being gone.”

“Going around picking fights couldn’t bring me back.”

“They were a distraction, doll. They let me know I could feel something...different.”

“Different,” she repeated softly.

“Different from the feeling of missing you, I guess. You had been taken from me, I wanted you back. The worst part was knowing that you were out there somewhere, but I couldn’t find you...I didn’t know how,” he spoke slowly, as if calculating his words to make sure he said exactly what he meant.

“I’m here now.”

Bucky pulled her close to him now, pressing a lingering kiss to the top of her head. “You’re here now.”

She had fallen silent, her face pressed against his chest, head to his heart. He assumed she was sleeping until she spoke up again, “I can’t stay.”

He could not beg her. Nothing could stop the gods from seizing her once more. So he simply nodded. “I know.”

She wept then, violent sobs racking her entire body. He held her in his comforting embrace, he knew there was little he could say to console her. He let her cry and cry, he bit back his own sobs. “I love you,” he whispered to her over and over, “until the end of time.” It was a long while before her sobs began to subside and she grew quiet, her breath still shuddered from the violence of her cries. He kissed her closed eyelids, before he kissed the rest of her salty tears away. She had met his lips in an open mouthed kiss, she seemed to breathe life into him. He climbed atop her now, he wanted to feel her one more time, every part of her. His lips marked nearly every spot on the plane of her body. He committed it to memory...he was unsure of the next time he might see it. Experience it. In an unspoken agreement they moved slowly, wanting to experience every last moment of one another. Skin against skin, open mouthed kisses, heavy inhales and exhales of breath.

They went unto the early hours of the morning. They fell asleep with limbs entangled, bodies intertwined.

When Bucky woke she was gone again.

[irastayshome]

Ibrahim's birth

Ibrahim arrived in this world on 21st January 2017. Back then, we were lucky to afford a doula because I was hella nervous about the whole birthing process and tbh my head wasnt in the game because of all the stress at work. After the 'hard part' was over, and as I held my son, I vividly remember my doula saying that the easy part was over and the hard part of being a parent has just begun. I thought it was a joke at the time because, well, what could be harder than pushing a 3 kg baby out of your vagina? 2 yrs and 6mths on, I have mentally kicked myself in the head for taking my doula's words lightly. These days, I consider it a win when I do not raise my voice or completely lose my sh** and raise my hands at my son. I keep needing reminders of what it took to get him into this world and the many moments we failed him along the way so that I do not be complacent and mistreat him.

So I thought I might write his birth story down after all. Didn't really wanna remember all the details of something that feels rather insignificant now, but some days at home are just rough and a good reminder is useful.

*

19 January 2017. I had been on maternity leave for a week, but only just completed my case transfers from home. My mamamia had been insisting that I sleep over her place once a week for the last trimester on Hasyali's night shifts. I didnt mind at all, because my r/s with my parents have improved significantly after moving out. Distance is truly necessary sometimes.

It finally dawned upon me that I was due in a week. Being last minute as I always am, I tried to 'catch up' on the squats that my doula/birth educator had been reminding us to do at 9 pm. But really, i was just doing it for fun cause like it would make any difference at 39 weeks, esp since ive been treating my body like crap while handing over my work the last few weeks. Planned to youtube more exercises to speed up labour etc etc but fell into the rabbit hole of "natural birth positions" and "painfree birth vlogs" and before I knew it, I was hooked on the Midwives yt tv series till i fell asleep at 5 am. Damn youtube.

20th January 2017. 7 am. Felt like I ate something so bad and had to do a big one. And so I did, groggily, and went back to sleep. Feeling so smug that I could finally sleep in on a weekday. 9 am. What is going on with my bowels??? Tried to recall what I ate last night, but dont care just sleep after the business. 10.30 am. Sat up and mentally admitted that those horrid pains at the bottom of my tummy could actually be contractions! Trying to keep cool, I ate breakfast quickly, trying to mask my ronyok face each time the tightenings came by because nyayi was there and I just did not wanna tell my family. pretty sure they would have shipped me off to the hospital immediately.

Took cab back at 12.30pm and smsed hubs about the contractions, saying it could potentially be the real thing. But not sure, so I timed them in the cab. 10 mins apart. regular. oh crap its happening. Got home, discovered the bloody show. So yup i got my confirmation. Smsed hubs a photo of it but told him to just take it easy, go solat Jumaat and just slowly pack his bag aftee. He just got off his night shift so he probably hasnt slept at all. Told doula Kak Hajjar about whats going on, and was advised to just relax and walk2 until i cant talk anymore from the pain. Hubs came back, and i took off on a birth walk alone around the estate. Every few mins, I just stopped and breathed deeply, sorely regretting not pestering my hubs to come along bcoz adoi sakit and nothing to squeeze or hold on to. and in the 3 pm sun no less.

Came back, started panicking when i realised hubs belum pack!! what is it with men and last minute packing?? feeling annoyyed bcoz im about to do some serious work but he cant even get started on packing. but ok takpe, got in the shower to cool down and to relieve the pain while he packed. Contractions were now 4 mins apart, but I could still talk. NUH told me to come in now. Doula told me to wait till i cant talk. The kancong me decided to go anyway, worried about the rush hour jam on the start of a weekend.

Arrived at NUH at 6 pm, realising that id skipped lunch. I was hungry, and oh no so damn sleepy bcoz i barely slept the night before! Damn youtube. Ate mr bean pancake with hubs. Met doula who told.me i dont look like its time bcoz i could talk and joke about. I admit i secretly thought that it was because i had a high tolerance for pain hahahaha joke. Entered the delivery ward at 7 pm, was 4 cm dilated. Yay! but wait what, all that pain and only 4 cm? oh no.

So began the longest night of my life. Doulla massaged my back and did hip squeezes through contractions, and I occasionally swayed while standing with hubs. These two were just incredible birth partners. My labour pains were rough at the front, but damn the back labour pains were friggin insane! Felt like maybe I had tentacles trying to burst out of my spine and turn into Doc Ock.

At some point, i remember just saying random supplications and feeling so regretful that i had not rehearsed what selawats I wanted to read in those moments bcoz my head was really jammed up trying to manage the pain. By 3 am my body felt like it had gone through a marathon and i really did fall asleep between contractions out of sheer exhaustion. It was exhausting to just tahan the pain.

By 4 ish am (hazy on the details by now), a VE confirmed I was 9 cm dilated. At this point I was already vomitting and my head hurt so much from tahaning the pain. I remembered thinking, or maybe even saying out loud, that I wanted them to cut the baby out. Im pretty sure I was transitioning at that point but I didnt know bcoz my mind was too panicky. They told me the head was still too high to push, so they offered to burst my waterbag, but said theres no assurance it would bring the head down but wld certainly intensify the contractions. I was pretty sure I would pass out if they intensified, out of exhaustion. and never mind that I was barely able to wake up btwn contractions due to my flu and fever (yes ARGH hate flu during labour). So I refused and waited for news that im fully dilated.

6 am. Still at 9 cm. My head was thinking "how long did Kak Hajjar say transitions lasted again?? takkan lama gini??" This time, my mental strength just gave way. I screamed for an epidural. I remember feeling so terrified that my baby would be stuck while im pushing, because I had zero energy left. Fatigued from the pain and the fever, I pleaded for an epidural again n again. I rmbr my doula, my husband, the nurses all giving me such kind words of support, saying ive gone si far and am at the last lap, and encouraged me to stick to my birth plan of going without medication. But I was too defeated by exhaustion and just wanted to sleep. Hahahaha. Like i literally said "yang, i nak tido" and started to cry.

So they called in the anesthesiologist (dunno the spelling). While he prepped the long-ass needle, I felt a huge gush of warm water down there. My waters broke. At this point I could have just waited for the head to descend, but I was too tired and looking forward to a promised 2 hour rest before pushing. So I kept quiet about it. I was in tears, out of disappointment at myself for not being able to ride out the exhaustion. But my doula was so kind and reminded me that God is the best of planners, and perhaps this was the way for me to achieve a natural birth still and avoid any emergency csection if I could not push. The nurses too were angels, and kept assuring me I had tried really hard for a long time and shouldn't beat myself up. And so I slept. That was the best 2 hour sleep of my life. pretty sure I snored and drooled, in the presence of my doula. Nak kata paiseh but nah I was too tired to care, and all modesty had left the room hours ago.

8 am. Woken up by cheerful nurses who told me it was time to start pushing. I just wanted to sleep in longer, but then I remembered oh ya baby is still inside. That epidural was gooooood. So began pushing. It felt so weird pushing when I cant feel anything moving down there. They had to tell me when to push i.e. when contractions came, and kept telling me I was pushing wrong and i had to do it as how i would when pooping. I suddenly didnt know how pooping felt like anymore. Kept pushing for an hour plus, but apparently the head keeps going back in. My husb and I had affectionately named our foetus "jubjub", just to avoid calling it the baby during the pregnancy. and my doula joked that perhaps the baby keeps going back in bcoz we named him jubjub like the muppet from Hi-5 that likes to peekaboo around. haha that was a good one.

My gynae finally came in around 9.30 am ish. She told me that I had to do an episiotomy to help push the baby out. My husband stopped her and told her to let me continue trying. But eventually she kept persisting and my husband apparently could not tahan seeing me push so hard anymore (he said the veins on my face look like they were gonna burst). So he agreed. The moment she cut, I pushed and felt the head empty out of me. I thought that was weird cause I was on epidural, but apparently they reduced the dose while pushing. A few more pushes later, I heard it. Ibrahim's first cries. The nurses and my doula congratulating me. My husband telling me I did it and he was proud of me. But mainly, Ibrahim's cries. 21st January 2017, at 10.03am.

They placed him on my chest. I cried. and cried. And i thought he was the most perfect thing I could ever hold in this world.

Dearest Ibrahim, a mother can love her husband out of choice, but theres simply no choice in this love I have for you. It is so raw and intense and relentless, that Im so consumed by it from the moment I held you. There are days, now, when I feel your anger towards me because I am so hard on you, especially since im not very good at coping with the two of you. But I hope you never feel that I love you any less when I get angry. and I hope you truly forgive me when you give me a hug after I apologise each time for beating you. You deserve so much better, and i'll keep striving to be a better mother to you and adik.

Ok bye. Am gonna cry my eyes out now. Damn birth stories.