#im already so scared to transition
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how about maybe we dont call transmascs who dont work super hard to maintain their appearance ugly thats it thanks
#just saw a post on tumblr dot com#and i agreed with a lot of the stuff in it#but at one point they said that trans men who feel liberated by not having to conform to beauty standards are benefiting from the patriarch#and then called them ugly#???#and the tags were full of people saying that men looked disgusting including trans men#as if trans men dont have a whole other host of physical standards to live up to that we are constantly harassed about#tbh as a transmasc who hasnt transitioned#hearing that im gonna be ugly and oppress transwomen when i transition isnt great#im already so scared to transition#transandrophobia#moonstone screams into the void#transmasc
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Goodsir is trying to help Fitzjames transition and that involves a little bit of forgery and identity thief. And luckily, there's this one guy from the expedition who happen to be an expert on this. Surely this will go well, right ? Right ?
#the terror#cornelius hickey#harry goodsir#Ribbons and ties#<- My “Goodsir realizes they're trans while helping Fitzjames transition” AU#I have posted some art from this au already you can check it out :3#Hickey is not having a good time since they got rescued but hes not going to show it#also i know nothing of english currency so if the amount he's asking is weird just pretend it's Hickey being stupid thank you 👍#a bit scared/anxious/self concious to post this but im being brave about my little hcs#earl’s sketches and drawings
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me to my coworkers: when you request time off, you should not give the assistant dept head any additional info on why you're requesting it, it's none of her business and may be used against you
me requesting time off after my requests keep getting denied/overlooked the past few months: telling kelly explicitly that this one is an oncology appointment bc i want her to feel bad :)
#messages from the ouija board#sadies day job#to be clear it IS an oncology appointment im not lying i just want her to feel bad for me also#like yeah this is why ive been making so many requests lately :) i know u think im difficult & ur a dick about chronic illness to me & tim#but a mention of cancer WILL scare u into feeling bad about it :)#also i dont think i have cancer but i had to do a genetics screening for top surgery stuff bc of a family history of breast cancer#and the results came back and the geneticist was like 'hey so if ur already transitioning its a good idea to talk to a specialist about#a hysterectomy bc ur cancer risk down there is pretty big.' so now off to oncology we go!
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dont feel too bad, youre not the only one suffering with unprecedented levels of internalized transphobia
#sometimes i wish i could have just been a cis woman then i wouldnt have to deal with all the pain being a trans man brings me#its so hard nowadays to find any joy in my gender or to see it as anything good#i know realistically that its a good thing to transition but fuck. whats the point of adding one more man to this awful world#if i already scare people by being fat and tall and autistic while being seen as a woman than wont i just be a threat as a man?#i have a vent blog i dont know why im posting this on main
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puts chin in hand. i need to get a binder
#ive been planning to get one for like what. ages.#i just found a picture of myself from 1.5 years ago when i tried on the binder of a friend and OHH..#the euphoria....#my face on the picture is blurry because i turned quickly but you can still make out just how hard i was smiling#and i dont know whats holding me back!!!#its definitely the fear of social transition. because people would surely notice that suddenly my entire server rack is Gone.#but again. i dont have to attend p.e. classes. i dont have to take a binder down in front of everyone...#but im scared of my parents' opinion. they know that im trans and how much i hate the concept of my reproductive system#but . especially my mother tbh. i dont think she'd like the idea; shes already very Eugh on the topic of my name#so i think shed die a little if she learned im fully serious about top and possibly bottom surgery#(once im out of hungary ofc. because legal gender change is impossible and illegal here)#ghost once said#why is being trans so god damn hard!!!!!!
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chin hair only thing local man likes about himself, mom constantly mentions he should shave it and he says he will later. he is mostly lying.
#sometimes i get scared abt it cos the more obvious it is the more clocky i am#and im already accidentally clocky just by like#well people dont like fat people for one and project things onto me#but for another i think unconciously the way i carry myself and dress makes ppl uncomf#being visably disabled makes them uncomf#people stare at me like theyre scared#ppl wont go in the bathroom if im in there#yanno. lots of things always happening#i feel a lot less safe than i used to#i used to keep my hair so short and i dont mind long hair#but it is kind of my plausible deniability these days#if i speak at my normal like register and depth ppl are like confused sometimes#have to make my voice higher#its already really soft when im out cos im scared of everyone#so like idk. but i also dont talk much so thats less helpful than u might think#idk no one 3ants to hear abt hiding ur transness#obviously ppl want me to be happy and like myself and my gender presentation#and just be myself in public#but i just. its not pratical for me#and its not like ill be able to actually medically transition anytime soon#so might as well lean into living as a woman as much as i van without getting too miserable#im so scared of things happening in this country and the part i libe in#and its just like. yeah this is depressing but my home isnt even safe for me to be trans in#so what else am i gonna do
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gang im still as sad as i was b4 my birthday but in a new hopeful way with way more questions so that’s interesting
#ok tag rant ehheheheheheheh#ok as of i think feb-march this year i had accepted that i just wasn’t going to transition#that it just was too hard and too expensive and the privileges of being a cis guy esp in the work im going into#are just too great to throw away#this was the point that it was becoming more clear to me that if i really tried i could be a pretty man#i have a decent jawline decent skin im on track to be taller that 6 foot big chin#so i had just decided that when i graduate i was just going to act as if it was just a phase#yeah i would be miserable for all of my life but the alternative in my head was someone still miserable but also unemployed and ugly#i’d rather be miserable looking pretty than be miserable and ugly#but i saw a reel yesterday#and i’m always very vulnerable around my birthday so i was solacemaxxing#it was about someone detransitioning bcs they couldn’t get on hormones#and at this point i had just accepted the fact that i’d never transition and the idea of me continuing my life as trans hadn’t crossed#my mind in a while#but the reel kind of reminded me exactly what i was missing out on#if i had come out to my parents the moment i started to question my gender when i was 11 i could be passing as a woman already#and ik it’s not about passing n shit and like it’s about you and not your perception but like#idk what all the forums i look at don’t get but i don’t want to be trans i want to be a woman yk#anyways i looked into it and at 14 my voice has deepened but not too much#im 5’9 which for women makes me tall but model tall not freak tall#my shoulders haven’t broadened#if i come out soon and my parents are accepting and i can get on blockers#realistically i could be passing before i’m 18#when i kind of got to that conclusion it kind of scared me yk but in a good way#and now i’m stuck with the same question i was asking almost exactly a year ago#is it worth the effort to transition
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pls write some fluff w dani and gn!reader
12:00AM ‹𝟹



ᯓᡣ𐭩 ; daniela avanzini x gn reader.
summary ::: you and dani have been in the talking stage for a couple weeks now, but new years might be the final push you two need.
warnings ::: reader gets a little overstimulated, but that's it !!
note... a week late for new years bc im a slow writer.. and the intro reads a tad rushed bc i had a rough time figuring out how to make the transition smooth :[ im very sorry!! (also i am in fact working on some other requests rn! ty guys sm for your patience ^.^)
dani smiled, greeting everyone excitedly whilst they cheered over her arrival. you stood behind her nervously, yours hands intertwined, giving a meek smile along with small waves to the few people who noticed and welcomed you in.
you were dani's plus one to a new years gathering, and to say you were anxious was an understatement; this was the first time you were meeting any of her friends in person. you'd talked to a few of them interchangeably a couple times, when they'd burst into her room while the two of you were calling or texting. you'd talked the most to manon, seeing as she's dani's roomate, and often entertained you whenever dani stepped away for a little during one of your calls.
it wasn't long before two of you were pulled away into watching an on-going uno match, as it was the crowd's current main focus.
eventually, that game ended, and a second one started—but unfortunately, you had been eliminated pretty early on, and since everyone else was busy continuing on with the game, you'd figured it'd be okay to step out onto the balcony for a few as it had gotten a little rowdy due to all the +2s.
what you didn't realize, was that dani had gotten eliminated as well, and noticed you leaving. she frowned, wondering if something happened that upset you. to not draw any attention to you or her, she stood up quietly, following you out onto the balcony.
“yn?” she called out, softly shutting the balcony door behind her. you greeted her, smiling sheepishly as she stood next to you. “are you alright?”
“yeah. it was just kind of.. loud.”
she inched closer to you, taking your hands in hers. “we can leave if you want.”
you shook your head profusely, “no, i'm okay. really.” you gave her hands a light squeeze as affirmation, your heart warming up at the fact that she seemed so genuinely concerned.
she opened her mouth to say something else, immediately being cut off by ruckus from within the house; everyone had paused the game and begun counting down. “it's 12:00 already?” she muttered, unconsciously fiddling with your hands.
as soon as the countdown got to one, your eyes were fixated on the sky, cheerfully watching all the different fireworks go off. dani, on the other hand, had her gaze fixated on you; admiring how pretty you looked with all the firework colors lighting up your face.
“can i kiss you?” her voice was barely over a whisper, as if it was a thought that wasn't meant to be said aloud.
you whipped your head to look at her, immediately being met with her gaze; the sweetest, love-filled doe eyes you'd ever seen staring back at you. she was a lot closer than you remembered, yet you were unsure if you had even heard her correctly.
“please?” hearing her plea made your stomach flip, and you couldn't help but nod giddily.
you couldn't even get a second nod in before her lips were on yours, her hand traveling up to caress your cheek while the other tugged you closer by the hem of your shirt. the kiss was slow, her lips moving against yours passionately, though delicately, as if she were afraid to hurt you or possibly scare you away.
she let go of your shirt, bringing her other hand up to hold your face fully. your knees wobbled, feeling her smile into the kiss. “already falling for me?”
you barely had the chance to respond before a knock on the balcony door startled you two apart.
“we're.. starting uno round three.. or are you guys too busy?” manon smiled innocently at the two of you, clearly planning all the different ways she'd tease dani about this later.
dani bashfully muttered a response, entwining your hands again and following manon back inside, bringing you along with her.
── 𖹭 ──
for the rest of the night, dani hovered around you; her hand never left yours and the smile on her face never faded once. the kiss had seemingly boosted her confidence, as she'd started openly using pet names for you. she'd also gotten a lot more touchy; currently, she had her arms wrapped around your waist, her chin resting on your shoulder while she hugged you from behind.
“babe, play that one.” dani perked up, using her head to point to a card in your hand.
“hold on. how is it fair that these two are teaming??” megan called out, pointing at you and dani, since you guys had decided to mix your cards and just play as one.
“leave them alone megan, you know dani will explode if she's away from yn for five minutes.” sophia remarked, nudging dani with her shoulder playfully.
dani's cheeks heated up and she hid her face in the crook of your neck, hugging you a little tighter.
you finally placed down a card, “okay, okay. lara, your turn.” unable to hold back your smile, you turned to dani, pressing a kiss to the side of her head before turning your attention back to the game.
#i LOVE spreading the clingy dani agenda#₊˚⊹☆ – 851 words#₊˚⊹☆ – divider creds; cafekitsune#daniela avanzini x reader#daniela x reader#dani x reader#daniela avanzini#katseye#katseye x reader#gn reader#gender neutral reader#x reader#kpop#katseye imagines#kpop x reader#kpop imagines#₊˚⊹☾ – works#₊˚⊹☾ – requests
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hey, i need advice from an older trans man or at the very least a bit of hope. due to a lot of reasons (life circumstances, lack of support from my parents) i cant start hrt at the moment as i planned to (im 18) and i just wanted some help to remain optimistic that i will at some point. i think waiting for the right time is the worst part of all this especially with encouragement from my parents to keep putting it off until "the time is right", im scared that the time may never be right and i just wanted to hear advice from someone already on hrt
Hey, Anon, I'm so sorry you are struggling with shifting goalposts.
The time will never be right for your parents. But you can decide when the time is right for you. Build your safety nets, both financial and emotional, and have a plan A, B, C, and D.
I highly recommend reading this article. I delayed my own transition for 10 years, and while I lament not getting the full benefit of HRT (I recognize I still have gotten so much out of T), what really hurt me was how my relationships were stunted, my self-confidence ground down, and how the stress of being closeted exacerbated my existing mental illnesses.
https://www.thechatner.com/p/let-me-save-you-some-time-on-transitioning
That said, while beginning HRT in your youth tends to be the best time for folks, it's really never too late to affirm who you really are. I started HRT at 33, got top surgery at 40, and I am incredibly happy, even living in these precarious times.
Much love to you, and I hope this helps you figure out what you want to prioritize. And if you have to wait, please find other ways to assert and affirm who you are and spend time with other trans folks - it will help keep you sane and focused.
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im thinking of starting my social transition and im coming to ms transfem oracle of delphi and a publically transfem person who i spent the last year or so looking up to to ask for. advice ? encouragement ? idk im eighteen years old. i go to an artschool highschool. theres a shit ton of transmascs but im pretty sure i will be the first out trans woman to be at that school. im anxious. my classmates and such and such are already aware im tenously nonbinary and some of them already use a different name than my deadname for me when they're around me but like. idk. im scared. sorry for pouring myself out directly in front of you
You are very brave, much more so than I was when I was 18, and I’m proud of you. I know it’s frightening, but it’s so, so worth it and you may find yourself surprised by how supportive people can be, even unexpected ones. I’m sorry that we your predecessors in this weren’t successful in making it easier for you, but it wasn’t for lack of trying. Not to get too ‘moral arc of the universe’ here but whatever bullshit you have to put up with to do this is in service of the next girl having it better, and the one after that better still, and so on. Anyway, all of this is to say that I believe in you, and you should too.
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being trans is such a mindfuck. nobody knows who i am. i dont need to come out, im fine as i am. i hide behind my clothes. i dont recognise myself in the mirror. i dont know if i ever will. i want to transition. im scared of change. i want to be seen and known. i am in danger. queer joy is beautiful. i am more open than a queer person used to be able to be. someone like me was murdered yesterday. i saw their face on the news, and the reporter used the wrong name. wearing mens’ clothes brings me joy, and the joy is reminiscent of a little girl. i want to be pretty. my skin doesnt fit and my voice is not mine. im scared i might love my father more. i dont need to come out, i can manage this all. im going to die someday anyway, it wont matter. a kid was staring at me in the bookstore today and i saw my past in their eyes. i wonder if they saw their future in mine. i want to be someones boyfriend. i am my brothers sister. all bodies are beautiful except mine. god created grapes but not wine and wheat but not bread. god hates fags. there is something wrong with me. if i ignore it, itll go away. its not going away. it hasnt gone away in seven years. i dont want to be a stereotype. i love brash vulgarity. my mother thinks i am beautiful. i share her face. i know ill regret it if i never come out. i dont want to waste my life wearing a costume. i dont know if i want to sacrifice the life that ive had for the life i could have. someone out there understands me. someone else would kill me without regret. someone would cry if i was gone. someone would praise my killer as a hero. there are photos and illustrations of people like me in the past. our history has been erased. theyre still trying to erase us. i dont know if the present is worth the future. i want to be happy. i dont feel like i deserve it. ‘female’ leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. ‘woman’ makes me see stars. i am one but not the other. i am the ghost of the person i want to be. i encourage others and love them regardless. i am a hypocrite. ive been in hiding since i was thirteen. i want to be loud. my mother spent nine months creating me. i will spend the rest of my life creating myself. i am scared. i am angry. i am beautiful and sickening and i want to rip my skin apart to make space for something new. my rage is glorious. they will never understand. i do not need them to. i am so lonely. i am an artist and i want to be a masterpiece. they call my creation mutilation. i dont want to make my parents sad. i want my brother to like me. i am visibly queer. that man shouted at me to smile because he was treating me like a woman. what i have right now is enough. i want more. i don’t know if ill ever have it. if i die tomorrow, i will be buried in a dress. it will be a dress that is already in my closet, a pretty dress that i havent worn in years.
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sorry if this is too long but i really appreciate your perspective and would love some advice
i have a mixed gender friend group irl, however i am the only transmasc in the group (the rest of the group is queer transfems, queer cis women, and our token cishet guy) and ive run into a little issue in that im quite close to one of the cis girls of the group, and we occasionally have deep chats about our queer identities (we're both aro, im ace, shes bi) . these chats are great and i really appreciate her as a friend but one thing shes always bringing up, even in unrealted conversations is how much she hates men .
im not a transandrobro so this isn't gonna be one of those "im one of the good ones" or "i feel guilty for being transmasc" asks dw. the issue came up when i was discussing how i was going to start T pretty soon (i pass decently well without it already but as more of a butch/androgynous type look) and as we were talking about the changes she was acting... genuinley scared and disgusted??
especially when i talked about how i will likely grow more body hair, and how T affects scent and stuff. she was almost horrified. "yeah but you dont want that right? youll shave it?" . i already dont shave my body hair (she does) and i cant help but feel scared that one of my closest friends is going to find me revolting once i start transitioning medically.
i didnt even mention bottom growth after that because i was so scared of what her reaction to that would be.
idk if you have any experience or advice for this? or any reading on the subject? ive found that its only the cis women in my friend group who are acting this way as well. i feel like maybe its because theyve secretly been viewing me as "just" a masculine woman this whole time. i id as nonbinary with the group, but secretly i really do think im a trans man, but based on the disgust with those things im reluctant to come out again.
Honestly this is a really common way that cis women microaggress against trans mascs! Those two identities have competing privilege/oppression intersections and a lot of really wild shit can play out as a result, as well as due to the projection that can happen because both groups have shared a social identity at some point (whether we liked it or not). It may not be fixable, but I think you need to set the tone that this kind of negative commentary on your transition and body is NOT acceptable, and to do so EARLY, so that you are establishing ground rules for how you will be treated.
Example conversation:
You: So I started getting some hair on my neck around my Adam's apple.
Her: Ewwwww, but you're going to shave it right?
You: (pause and look at her seriously). Gender transition is something I'm very excited about and that's very good for me, you know. I am happy about everything that's happening and I hope that as my friend you would be happy for me too.
Let's say that she continues to be somewhat shitty about your transition multiple times. Here is how you might escalate without totally blowing your lid.
Her: Wow, your [voice is so deep/your acne is getting so bad/your hair pattern is changing/whatever thing she is being shitty about].
You: (stop whatever task you're doing if any to give this full attention. lock eyes with her, maybe even sigh). I have told you multiple times not to comment on my appearance. It makes me very uncomfortable. I don't enjoy spending time with people who comment on how I look.
I think your focus should be not on correcting her feelings, which she needs to go like stare at a pond and reflect about on her own, but instead reign in her shitty commentary completely -- and if she won't do that for you, then you will need start ending conversations/walking away/not inviting her to things/whatever other boundary setting strategy you like. I would prioritize nipping the personal comments in the bud over the "men are so disgusting and evil" kind of commentary, because I think that matters more and seems to bother you more -- but if it were me? I would also be pissed that she wasn't including me in the category of "men" when she was talking about them, and would say things like "I'm a man too, you know." Or "Yeah, WE can be kind of annoying/boorish/smelly sometimes." This isn't some transandrobro NOT ALL MEN thing, it's an anti-transphobia don't misgender me thing. And perhaps by taking accountability for all that manhood is -- the good and the bad, the euphoric and the just neutral, you will influence her in a positive way to think about these things more neutrally. If not, well, that's her fuckin loss.
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can I ask advice? my friend recently came out to me as a trans girl, but she’s having a really hard time. apart from the everything about being a trans woman in the world, she’s been treated horribly already as a traumatized autistic “boy” and there aren’t any other transfems around us, the only other trans person we know is me and im more or less theyfab. so here’s the question: I know she really wants to make friends as herself, especially with other transfems, and get into a community, but she’s terrified and depression fatigued and doesn’t feel like she’s really worth it bc she’s pre transition. is it inappropriate for me to look for/contact transfem support groups or discords? im not gonna push her into anything but she does very well with more information and if it’s not rude or invasive, I thought I might just ask in a few transfem spaces or contact the mods and sort of what goes on and what they’re about, see if they have any other recs for newly hatched chicks if they’re more insular. and then just like. Send her the rundowns so she’s not going in blind. I don’t want to push and I don’t want to get in random online trans women’s business asking stupid questions. but I also know that even tho we’re friends I don’t quite Get It or Know Stuff and I cant rly be everything she needs nd deserves with this. and after all she’s been through I don’t blame her for being scared to reach out. Also if you have suggestions pls pls pls. Thank u
it is not inappropriate for you to look for/contact transfem support groups or discords!!! well some of the discords might be weird about it because discords are often run weird but that's just a discord thing.
better yet -- you could look for local events and take her! dont feel like you cant go because youre not transfem, if you're taking a trans girl to a transfem event, unless it's for us "only" then you're allowed/encouraged to come with. she'll feel less anxious with a trans friend who will have her back!!
i think this is the biggest advice i have for TME trans people/cis queer people in supporting trans girls -- go with her. be her friend. stand up for her! trans girls are so denied from everything that even when we're explicitly allowed, we function like vampires. you need to offer us a space, and you might need to physically take her to events in/around your area if you can find anything at all -- even if you have to travel
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ceilings
PART TWO



GUYS I DONT THINK YOU UNDERSTAND HOW AMAZING THE RESPONSE TO THE FIRST PART OF THIS WAS!!!! IM ACTUALLY SO SORRY FOR MAKING YOU ALL WAIT LIKE FIVE MONTHS FOR PT 2 BUT HERE IT IS!!! I REWROTE IT LIKE SEVEN TIMES SO I HOPE YOU ENJOY IT (its not exactly how i wanted it to be but its here so pls stop harassing me ab it lol) (jk i love being harassed by you guys) (love u all)
pairing: ellie williams x fem!reader
description: ellie is put on the spot, but it seems that her choice has already been made.
warnings: MENTIONS AND (non-explicit) DEPICTIONS OF DOMESTIC AND CHILD ABUSE, swearing, allusions to nsfw situations, misogyny, alcohol consumption, mentions of guns, ellie is stupid af
words: 8.7K
date posted: 18/11/23
part one
From a very young age, Y/n had developed a deep understanding in regards to her place in the world. Girls like her did not ride out into the face of danger, nor did they scour the ruins of what was once a flourishing society for even the slightest chance of survival. Girls like her did not fight or talk back, instead they were quiet and followed orders so that someone might feel inclined to protect them. She had learned these lessons from no one other than her father.
He had never been a kind man; the type that would send even the bravest of souls running the other way with his piercing stare and bulging muscles. He had started off with a considerably large group, only to find himself off on his own all thanks to his frighteningly short temper and his alcoholic tendencies. For a few years, he wandered through the woods on his own, tearing his way through small survivalist groups as if he, himself, had been infected, until he came across a young woman hiding out in an abandoned motel. Unlike usual, he hadn’t immediately reached for his blade at the sight of her, and instead found himself feeling in need of some human contact after so much time on his own, and offered her his protection for the nonrefundable price of her body. Scared, alone, and hungry, Y/n’s mother was quick to fall into routine with the man, finding comfort under his protection and returning it whenever he saw fit.
Y/n often tried to imagine the man who had been so frightening to anyone who crossed his path; Almost as wide as he was tall, rippling muscles beneath weathered and scarred skin, a seemingly permanent sneer carved into his face. It was difficult to picture him as such, especially when he had been so unwell since they had arrived in Jackson. He’d been bitter since that very day, never wanting to feel like he might be indebted to somebody else, though Y/n’s mother had convinced him that neither of them would be able to survive the winter this year, especially considering that Y/n had contracted a terrible cough and was showing signs of oncoming pneumonia. To this day, he made it very clear that he only chose to stay because he knew that there was no chance of convincing Y/n’s mother to leave her behind. The years hadn’t been kind to him–the sudden transition from living on the run to such a comfortable life caused a dramatic physical transformation, and allowed his age to finally catch up to him.
Her father was among the most humiliating parts of her life in Jackson, everyone recognising him immediately to be a raging old fool who was all-too reliant on the bottle to take away the pain of his aching bones. He’d also settled more comfortably into his role of a deadbeat husband and father, finding Y/n and her mother to be even more irritating now than when they relied on him for everything; they’d both been left to cover up bruises with clothing and excuses of clumsiness rather than admit where they’d really come from.
Her relationship with her mother was almost more difficult to explain.
From the time that Y/n was old enough to remember, her mother had been telling her that their lives were owed to her father in every sense of the matter. Y/n’s mother didn’t hate her, that much was clear, but it was also very plain to see that she considered her daughter to be quite a disruption of her life. Things had been much easier before she had been born–all that she needed to do to survive was to make herself available for his use and boost his ego, now she needed to not only fend for herself, but fend for her child as well. Y/n’s father had no emotional or moral obligations to her, and had even tried to leave her behind after they’d figured out that she’d been knocked up. After Y/n was born, he still considered dumping the two of them–what kind of use would a woman be if there was the chance of her getting pregnant again? It was only because of some kind of divine blessing that he found it within himself to keep them around. After coming to Jackson, her loyalty to him never strayed, and the slight resentment that she already harboured for her child grew.
Y/n fit into the everyday routine of Jackson residents almost too easily. She quickly came to enjoy the new aspects of her life in the commune such as school, taking part in daily chores, community events, and most of all, interacting with her peers. They were all so kind to her, praising her when she did well at something, and comforting her when she didn’t. People told her she was pretty and smart and funny, all of the things that her parents did not. She did not need to resort to loaning out her body for a meal, nor did she need to cower in the face of safety. At school, boys flocked to her every whim, because they genuinely wanted her, not because she was playing into their sick mind games in hopes of survival. Things such as praise, safety, and happiness were handed to Y/n so easily, while her mother had to fight tooth and nail for them. The complex relationship between Y/n and her family could not easily be explained, but those native to the commune had quickly come to their own conclusions about the trio.
Things did not remain as easy for Y/n as she had once seen them as. Those unfiltered adoring comments of pretty and smart, quickly led down a dark path and became dumb and slut and fat. There was a pattern in her life, all of those who started with the kind words would always end up saying the others at some point, though it wasn’t until Dina began saying them that it truly bothered her.
Everything that Y/n was to the people in Jackson, Dina was too, only better. She was the kind of girl who couldn’t be stopped when she put her mind to something, and was loyal to the very end, which is what made it so difficult when she turned her back on Y/n.
There were very few limits that Y/n had when it came to the brunette girl. She was the type of person whose laughter could warm the soul, and whose praise was comparable to a badge of honour. Y/n would take up new hobbies or interests, even some things that she never really even liked in order to have more things in common with her, and at one point, would have considered her to be her closest friend; Each time a new boy broke her heart, Dina was there to comfort her; Each time her father grabbed her a little too tightly, Dina would force her to spend the night and help her ice her bruises. There was quite literally nothing in the world that Y/n wouldn’t do for her, something she had never felt for anyone, ever, until Jesse came into the picture.
He was the first guy their age who hadn’t shown an immediate interest in Y/n, which was quite refreshing, so she made no opposition when Dina suggested that they invite him to hang out. The first pinch of regret came a few weeks later when her friend finally confessed her feelings for Jesse. With every guy that had ever been around her, she’d never felt an ounce of jealousy when it came to other girls.
Until then.
***
Ellie has never felt longing like this before. Of course, she had experienced the embarrassingly naïveness that came along with having a crush on someone before, both with Cat and briefly with Dina, but she had never genuinely felt what it was like to want someone in the soul-crushing way that came with the early stages of love, let alone with someone who made it quite clear that they wanted nothing to do with Ellie. Her bed felt much colder than it ever had before, and nights seemed to drag on rather than how she used to pray for just a few extra minutes. She couldn’t help but wonder how she had managed to fuck up everything up so badly that withing a few days, she had gone from wanting to keep her relationship a secret to wondering if she even was in a relationship anymore.
Well, to be completely fair, Ellie had made it quite clear to Y/n time and time again that they were most certainly not girlfriends. They were just two girls who had romantic interest in one another who spent most of their time together doing things that girlfriends might do with one another. But they definitely weren’t dating, so it really shouldn’t have bothered her when she began to notice the attention that Y/n had been receiving from the new girl.
It was rare for Ellie to see either of them apart from one another. In fact, Y/n seemed to have made a genuine and successful effort in avoiding Ellie as much as possible in the days that had passed since they had last spoken at the Tipsy Bison. She would spot her from afar sometimes, walking in stride with her seemingly new best friend, and would watch her from a distance until her figure disappeared out of sight. On the odd occasion where Y/n’s shift in the stables lined up with Ellie’s patrol, Shimmer’s reins would be silently handed over to her, accompanied only with a blank stare and deaf ears when Ellie attempted any sort of small talk. When this happened, Ellie’s pale cheeks flushed red and her shoulders slumped in embarrassment as she tried to ignore Jesse’s awkward chuckling.
The only thing that made it worse was the undeniable fact that Erin had publicly staked some sort of claim over Y/n. In public, she was unashamed to be near her, to touch her, and to speak to her. She didn’t feel the need to pull her into dark corners just to utter a few words, and she didn’t seem put off by any sort of reputation or rumours being spread about herself just from being seen with her. Ellie felt almost territorial when it came to Y/n, in a way she truly never had before. Any time that she noticed one or both or Erin’s hands to slip across Y/n’s waist or lower back, the auburn haired girl had to rely on her last shred of sanity not to rush over and beat her to a pulp or tear her hand right off. For the unforeseeable future, Ellie decided that her best course of action would be to become as much of a hermit as possible, even thinking as far as asking Jesse to bring her dinner every night to avoid the dining hall, though she knew better; Her friends would be utterly useless in helping her in this situation, as Dina didn’t even know what was going on and Jesse, well…
The boy had been fairly understanding of Ellie’s feelings on the situation. He knew firsthand how his own girlfriend felt about Y/n, even more in detail than Ellie did. He admitted to her that he genuinely liked Y/n, but chose to avoid her purely out of respect for Dina, though made sure to tell her what an idiot Ellie had been if she actually had feelings for her. He had successfully perfected the art of tough love, and made sure that Ellie felt every bit of it.
She truly hadn’t been looking forward to her patrol shift with Jesse, knowing that it would be nothing more than yet another therapy session; what Dina was mad at him for this week, the crazy dream he had last night, the weird bump on his ass… Only this time, there was a much larger issue at hand that turned the need for therapy to Ellie rather than him, and she knew that there was practically nothing that could have prevented Doctor Jesse, LMHC from joining her that morning.
“You know, I really don’t think it’s as big of a deal as you think it is.”
Ellie shook her head, “Says you. You see Y/n walking your way and you run the other direction.”
“Well, you know how Dina is.”
She sent him a pointed glare.
“For me, that is.” He continued, “I’m her boyfriend.”
“And I’m her best friend.”
Jesse tilted his head with raised brows, “Meaning that you are irreplaceable. Me, on the other hand, could be replaced by anyone given the chance that Dina’s standards suddenly go up. Will she be pissed? Definitely, but there’s no way that she would ever wanna stop being friends with you over this.”
Ellie wasn’t sure whether this was the most intelligent or idiotic thing that Jesse had ever said. She certainly hoped that her relationship with Dina was strong enough that anyone that she would be looking to pursue romantically would not be too much of an issue, though the dark-haired girl tended to be quite unpredictable and Ellie couldn’t rely on hope. Dina was the first friend that she had made in Jackson, the first person who didn’t treat her like a wild animal who’d been spooked, the first person who actually accepted her into the community. How could she risk losing her?
“And not to light a fire under your ass or anything,” he sent her a pointed look, “But word on the street is that she and Erin are getting pretty close, if you know what I mean.”
Ellie narrowed her eyes at him, “Oh, fuck you. ‘Word on the street,’ my ass. As far as everyone else knows, she doesn’t even like girls. By next week, the rumours will start and then everything will be back to normal. I guess it’s my own fault for thinking that–” She coughed and cut herself off.
“For thinking that she actually liked you?” Jesse finished for her, smirking at the dangerous glare that wordlessly confirmed his thoughts. “Have you ever considered that maybe she feels the same way?” There was a beat of silence before he continued, “Think about it, every guy in Jackson told her the same things you probably did, and the second they got what they wanted…”
“No, I’m not like those fuckers. I never told anyone anything about what happened between us. Those guys, she told me that half of the stuff they say about her isn’t even true.”
“So is spreading rumours really that much more hurtful than being too embarrassed that you were even together?”
Was it? This whole time, she had been consoling herself with the idea that she would be better than the others–all of those guys who called her a slut behind her back, all of those guys who used her for her body, the guys who stole away pieces of her until she genuinely had very little respect for herself to prevent anyone from hurting her like that again, Ellie included. Especially when, during the last few days, Ellie had been no better, wondering how much Y/n could’ve liked her at all if she was moving on so fast, wondering if all of those rumours might have had some kind of truth to them at all. There she was, throwing herself a pity party over her unrequited feelings, when she had been the one who had been emotionally unavailable, not Y/n.
“Am I good, or what?” Jesse laughed, “Seriously, do you think Maria would be open to starting a therapy business in Jackson?”
“Or what,” Ellie responded a moment later, “But she might, God knows I’ll need a session after this.”
***
Y/n had always had it in the back of her mind that everything happened for a reason. Every bruise was a fight that she survived, every sickness was a reminder that she was still alive, and every heartbreak was a love that simply wasn’t meant to be–a sign that the one was still out there. A large part of her wanted it to be Ellie, even more so than how she wanted it to be every guy that came before her. Y/n thought that Ellie was different than the others, she didn’t just smile charmingly as whisper pretty words before going off on her merry way, instead preferring to stay in bed for a while after they would sleep together, actually listening to what she had to say and responding in a way that let her know that she was genuinely interested.
But alas, Ellie had been no better than the rest. Of course, Y/n had been used to this kind of thing, so there was a bit of a routine that she’d gotten used to. It was worse this time, though, even worse than the very first–but the routine was strict, and didn’t allow her to shed any more tears than she could help, and so the cycle began again.
Y/n wasn’t stupid, despite what the others said, and she could very easily see what Erin wanted from her, though she was determined to make this time different. If she was fated to undergo the same heartache time and time again, she would hold it off as long as she possibly could. Any attempt made by the blonde to take their relationship further than a friendship would be ignored until Y/n decides that she was ready for it, though the ease that she found when it came to swerving her advances began to bring up another question in her mind; Was she really that interested in Erin? Or was she really that desperate for attention that she was willing to jump to the next person who even glanced in her direction?
The question gnawed on her for days. Everytime Erin touched her, it felt as if someone had brought flame to her flesh, and not even in the same way that it had been with Ellie, nor any of the others that came before. Perhaps she was simply just more aware of the issue at hand than she had been before–that much was undeniable at this point. She made a real effort to put a bit of distance between Erin and herself, deciding that, if something were to happen between them, it wouldn’t be quite so easy as it had been in the past. She could tell that this bothered Erin to some degree; Her pink lips always turned into a scowl when she wouldn’t receive any more than a peck, and her wandering hands often caused the girl to stiffen, but she had yet to say anything about it, instead putting on a sickeningly sweet smile and changing the subject to something much more lighthearted.
It would seem that Erin was less discreet about their relationship with other Jackson residents than she was around Y/n. Apparently, it was a hot bit of gossip around Jackson, considering that the girl who had a pretty scandalous reputation when it comes to men seemingly had switched teams. Her sexuality wasn’t exactly a new discovery for herself, but she’d never actually been with another girl until Ellie, and no one even knew about that. Generally, Y/n wasn’t concerned about what other people her age thought of her, as there was very little that they hadn’t already said about her, but the way that she was viewed by the older generations of Jackson residents was something that she was very conscious of.
She’d had quite a close relationship with Maria for quite some time now, and in turn, Tommy as well. The married couple were the unofficial leaders of Jackson, and often took it upon themselves to check in on those around town that may need a bit of extra help or care. They both viewed her as someone who has overcome quite a lot in the short time that she’d been on Earth, and yet, she was miraculously able to fit into the status quo quite easily.
A few years after he arrived in Jackson, Tommy’s brother, Joel, took up another caring role within her life, just as he had done with several other Jackson residents who were around her age or younger. Y/n quite liked Joel, and not only because of his close relation to Ellie. In fact, Y/n had somewhat of a friendship started with Joel long before she had even spoken to Ellie for the first time, finding some comfort in his unshakeable fatherly instincts; Offering her a small cup of precious coffee or another sweater when he noticed a tremble in the cold, or a gentle reminder that she could tell him about anybody giving her a hard time. He once told her that she reminded him of a stray cat, constantly showing up on his doorstep time and time again after he’d given her a scrap of food once, and now he was forced to practically adopt her as a consequence of his actions. There was hardly anything that she wouldn’t tell him, which was why she was quite excited when Tommy suggested that she start out her paired patrolling duties with him at her side.
Joel was mostly quiet on patrols, usually offering small grunts in response her pestering questions or a stifled laugh, doing his best to seem unimpressed with her foolishness, but unable to hide the admiration he seemed to have for the young girl who seemed so unfazed by the things she had been forced to face in this world. He always made sure to ask her about her own wellbeing, usually when they would stop to pick at the sandwiches that Maria had packed for them.
“Anyone givin’ you any trouble?” He would always ask, quickly followed up by, “Aside from what you go lookin’ for, that is.”
At this, she would usually give him a little explanation of her personal life; Who she had spoken to the day before, who she thought was nice and who wasn’t… Joel wasn’t usually one for gossip, but he didn’t mind having to listen to her drone on about what the Jackson youths were up to lately, especially when it may or may not concern Ellie.
“And your daddy?” He always asked her this at some point or another. It was no secret around Jackson that her father wasn’t exactly the nicest guy around, especially towards his daughter, nor was her mother doing much to look out for her. “He treating you and your momma alright?”
Her lips tightened into a grimace, stuffing a large bite of her sandwich into her mouth, “Same as always.”
“He hurtin’ you at all? You know if he is–”
“He isn’t. Not since last time.” She affirmed, peering intently down at the half-mauled sandwich in her lap, “Besides, you’ve got bigger fish to fry; Don’t think I haven’t heard about Miss Gonzalez bringing you that apple pie last week.”
“It was pecan, actually.” Joel groaned, shaking his head and hiding his smirk, “You’re talkin’ to me about my love life?”
Y/n chewed her bottom lip, “Didn’t take you as the type to listen to rumours, Miller.”
“‘M not talkin’ about any rumours.” He gave her a firm look, one that knew far more than she had expected. “A girl as smart as you can’t’ve forgotten whose backyard you’ve been sleeping over in.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
He rolled his eyes, “‘M not tryin’ to pry, I only mean…fuck. All ‘m tryin’ to say is that I think you make her happy. I know she and I aren’t exactly in the best place, but that’s all I want for her. Startin’ to think she makes you pretty happy, too.”
“Yeah, well,” Y/n scoffed, trying to reign in any bitterness she felt towards the girl, “Not happy enough.” She forced the remainder of her sandwich into her mouth, her words coming out muffled, “Let’s get moving, it’s gonna be dark soon.”
***
Y/n had always had it in the back of her mind that everything meant something. Every bruise was a fight that she survived, every sickness was a reminder that she was still alive, and every heartbreak was a love that simply wasn’t meant to be–a sign that the one was still out there. A large part of her wanted it to be Ellie, even more so than how she wanted it to be every guy that came before her. Y/n thought that Ellie was different than the others, she didn’t just smile charmingly as whisper pretty words before going off on her merry way, instead preferring to stay in bed for a while after they would sleep together, actually listening to what she had to say and responding in a way that let her know that she was genuinely interested.
But alas, Ellie had been no better than the rest. Of course, Y/n had been used to this kind of thing, so there was a bit of a routine that she’d gotten used to. It was worse this time, though, even worse than the very first–but the routine was strict, and didn’t allow her to shed any more tears than she could help, and so the cycle began again.
Y/n wasn’t stupid, despite what the others said, and she could very easily see what Erin wanted from her, though she was determined to make this time different. If she was fated to undergo the same heartache time and time again, she would hold it off as long as she possibly could. Any attempt made by the blonde to take their relationship further than a friendship would be ignored until Y/n decides that she was ready for it, though the ease that she found when it came to swerving her advances began to bring up another question in her mind; Was she really that interested in Erin? Or was she really that desperate for attention that she was willing to jump to the next person who even glanced in her direction?
The question gnawed at her silently as she waited patiently for Erin to return with her second drink. She hadn’t really been in the mood to drink that night, but it was either that or be left alone with her thoughts, and they had been less than kind towards her lately. But going to the Tipsy Bison also heightened her chances of coming face to face with Ellie again, and she wasn’t entirely sure of how to act if she were to confront her again, just as she had last time.
Her fingers scraped at the sticky residue that had been smeared across the tabletop, shoulders hunched and eyes cast downwards to avoid drawing any additional attention to herself. Her mind felt hazy, likely a combination of the little food she’d consumed that day and the drink that she’d already finished, leaving her blissfully unaware of the attention that she actually was receiving. It was different from the way that people normally looked at her, either in awe or resentment, instead proving a general concern for the girl who would normally be jumping to be in the middle of the dance floor or joining the few musicians in Jackson on stage for a song or two. This girl was very different from the latter, the charming smile that she would normally wear had turned into a small pout, and her normally wide and wondrous eyes were dull and bored.
A hand touched her shoulder, drawing her out of the daze that she hadn’t even realised that she’d been in. Maria appeared at her side, a warm smile on her lips as she scanned the surprised expression of the younger woman, soon followed by her husband.
“Oh,” Y/n shook her head slightly as her posture straightened, “Hey, Maria, Tommy.”
“Y/n,” Tommy nodded at her, “How you doin’ tonight?”
She shrugged in response, “Good.”
Maria squeezed her shoulder, “You sure? Are you feeling alright? You look a little pale.”
Y/n suppressed the minor tug of annoyance at their persistence, “Fine. Just a little tired.”
The couple shared a knowing glance. Y/n was not the first girl in Jackson to hold the kind of reputation that she did, though very few others had their entire lives put out on display for the rest of town to judge. People talk, and between their words and the physical state that she was in, there was nothing that she could do or say to make them believe her.
Tommy cleared his throat, “Heard you did well out on patrol today. Joel’s thinkin’ that a little while longer ‘n you’ll be on your way to doin’ it full time. That sound good?”
Y/n didn’t go on patrol often, but anyone who was physically capable of going was put on the schedule at least once a rotation. Having not been out too many times, she tended to get paired up with others who truly knew what they were doing, though Joel Miller seemed to be her main partner, which was an especially bizarre situation considering that Ellie was practically his daughter, no matter how impossibly strained their relationship may have been. Joel had always been nice to her, never too harsh when she made mistakes, nor was he a major softie who let her away with shit. Things had been a bit tense one morning when they had run into one another before their patrol in his backyard, where she had been sneaking out of Ellie’s garage-turned home in the early hours of the morning. It was a bit of an unspoken understanding of each other–both had fallen into the bittersweet situation of caring just a little too much about Ellie Williams.
It made her chest swell knowing that he’d been praising her to his brother, but if he’d truly been bringing up the little bit of good that she’d done, he’d surely growled about how clumsy she’d been after their converstation, falling off her horse, losing the map to the wind…Hell, she’d almost shot him on accident from sneezing! Of course, even Joel Miller would be talking poorly about her behind her back, just like everyone else.
“That all he said?” She asked, tired eyes turning to the man.
He shrugged, adjusting his belt buckle uncomfortably as he shifted his weight, “That’s the gist of it, anyways. Say, you wouldn’t mind filling in on the late morning shift tomorrow, would ya? Eugene’s got a stomach bug and can’t seem to go more than twenty minutes without…well, you know.”
She tilted her head, glancing between the married couple in confusion. She’d never been asked to take on a patrol shift more than once every three weeks, let alone twice within a few days of each other.
“I know you aren’t normally on the schedule this regularly, and I wouldn’t ask if I weren’t in such a bind.”
“I mean, I don’t really mind, but I’m supposed to work in the stables tomorrow.”
Another figure appeared before anyone else could speak, the loud clink of two glasses hitting the table as Erin’s smiling face filled Y/n’s vision.
“What’d I miss?” She asked, eyes shifting between the couple and the girl she’d walked away from only minutes earlier. She slid a glass across the table to Y/n, who eagerly accepted it and took a large gulp.
“Not much, Tommy was just telling us about how great Y/n was on patrol yesterday.” Maria smiled, patting her shoulder gently.
Erin turned to Y/n with an amused grin, “Oh yeah?”
“So great that she’s even taking over Eugene’s shift tomorrow. I’d say she’s on her way to becoming a big hot shot around here,” Maria grinned, “Everyone will be talking about you soon enough.”
“More than they already do, you mean,” Erin chuckled, completely ignorant to the glance that both Tommy and Maria sent her as she turned to Y/n with furrowed brows, “And here I was all excited to work together in the stables tomorrow morning.”
Y/n glanced down at the amber liquid in her glass before downing it all in one gulp, cheeks beaming with embarrassment, “I mean, it’s an emergency. I really don’t mind, and I don’t think the horses will miss me too much.”
Tommy nodded, thanking Y/n once more before guiding Maria away with a hand on her lower back, departing from the pair with a farewell before disappearing into the crowd. Y/n’s eyes followed them until they couldn’t anymore, then found themselves locked onto an eerily familiar gaze. Ellie leaned against the opposite side of the bar, clad in her favourite black flannel and nursing her own drink as she blatantly ignored Jesse and Dina as they bickered playfully next to her. She seemed a bit surprised when their eyes met, but offered her a small nod as a greeting. Y/n’s brain scanned through all of her options; She could have run over to her, jumped into her arms and announced her love, she could have turned to Erin and chose to make Ellie jealous, but instead, she simply looked away.
“You okay?” Erin’s hand graced the small of her back, her body suddenly closer than she had previously been. “Shit, you feel kinda warm. You’re not sick, are you?”
Y/n shook her head, finally glancing back to the blonde girl at her side, “I’m fine, just tired. Maybe a little tipsy.”
Erin’s laugh sounded like wind chimes as it fell from her lips, “A little? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you down two drinks so quickly.” Her eyes fluttered, hooded eyelids drooping as she lowered her voice, “If you’re not having fun, we can always leave early.”
The game she was playing was a dangerous one. She’d been down this road before, leaving early and spending the next few hours wrapped up in their sheets. Not this time, though, she decided as she nodded, allowing Erin to lead her out of the bar and into the empty, dimly lit streets. The walk was quiet, their fingers laced together to keep each other grounded, and Y/n didn’t miss the sideways glances being sent her way. Her doorstep finally came into view, and she knew that she needed to come up with a plan.
“This is me,” she sighed, moving to unlace their fingers and make a quick escape before her back was pressed firmly against the railing of the doorstep, “Thanks for walking me.”
“Hey,” Erin’s fingers latched onto her chin, turning her gaze up to meet her own, “Can I come in? We can just… I don’t know, hang out?”
Y/n’s cheeks warmed at her sly grin, and the alcohol was telling her to agree, “I don’t know, my parents are here.”
“We could go to my place?” The blonde suggested hopefully, “My brother won’t be home till later, and I really don’t wanna say goodbye yet.”
“Erin–”
“You look so pretty tonight,” she continued, her thumb rising to trace over Y/n’s bottom lip lightly. Her eyes narrowed, focusing on the curve of her lips intently before she finally lurched forward and connected them to her own.
For a moment, Y/n let it happen. This was her safe place, her routine, and it was difficult for her to deny herself of it regardless of what she felt towards Erin. Finally, she leaned her head back, parting from her with a wet noise and a sniffle. Her eyes burned with the oncoming tears, tears that she couldn’t even begin to explain or understand.
“Come back with me,” Erin whispered.
“I just–I’m really tired.”
“We can go to bed,” Erin smirked.
“Seriously, Erin. I’m like, really, really tired.”
An annoyed expression cracked across her features quicker than Y/n was even able to comprehend, as if she had been masking it the whole time, “Really? You’re still playing this little game of yours?”
Y/n tilted her head in confusion, “What?”
“Don’t act so innocent,” The blonde sneered, taking a step back and placing her hands firmly on her hips, “You’ve been stringing me along this whole time. I don’t know who told you that this little innocent act was cute, because it’s really not, nor is it very convincing. I mean, what’s keeping you from putting out like you’ve done with everyone else?”
“Excuse me?” A tear slid down Y/n’s cheek.
Erin shook her head, scoffing at her as she turned around, stalking off into the night without another word, leaving behind a trembling figure in the darkness as the creaking of the front door echoed in the silence.
“You got something you wanna tell me?”
***
Ellie couldn’t figure out which was worse, the blistering heat inside the bar or the bitter winter air that flooded her veins the moment that she stepped out into the street. For a split second, she almost followed the instinct to retreat back inside and find refuge in the warmth before remembering exactly what had brought her out into the cold to begin with.
The Tipsy Bison was busy that night, bodies colliding as drunken Jackson residents laughed and partied amongst one another. Ellie found herself in need of a drink, preferably in the largest glass she could find after the week she’d had. Jesse hadn’t given up on his desire to be her personal therapist, even though she’d been entirely unwilling to give him any more information on her love life than she already had, and had been prompting her to go off and find Y/n all evening.
Find her, was a poor choice of words, considering that Ellie had clocked her the second that she had set foot into the pub. More accurately, Jesse was eager to see her march over and confess her undying love in front of the whole of Jackson–Dina included.
There were times throughout the evening where she thought that their eyes might actually meet. The idea should have scared her, considering that she had absolutely no clue what she might do if she ever came face to face with Y/n again, and yet she found herself moving around as subtly as possible in hopes of catching her attention. Ellie’s mind kept drifting off to the constant question of whether or not Y/n had mourned what they had, or perhaps what could have been. She had moved on rather quickly, always being found with Erin not too far behind, though her appearance was not what it usually was; her normally tamed and styled hair was quite messy, and she wore muted colours in comparison to the bright, eye-catching shades of her favourite shirts.
She watched in silence over the entire evening, making sure to offer the occasional laugh or jab at Jesse’s expense to avoid being called out, though it would be impossible to avoid the all-knowing expanse of Dina’s watchful eye.
“Who’re you looking at?”
Ellie’s head snapped to the side, finding her friend leaning across to get a better look. The auburn haired girl shook her head, pushing her back gently, “Nothing. No one.”
Dina scoffed, “Oh please, you’ve got some kind of look going on right now. Who is it? Please don’t say it’s Cat.”
“God, no, it’s not Cat.” Ellie glanced down at her drink.
Dina leaned across Ellie’s body again to get a better look, eyes falling on the slouched figure that sat directly in her line of sight, “Then who–oh. Please don’t tell me you’re looking at who I think you’re looking at.”
Ellie rolled her eyes, “Jesus, what does it matter?”
“Ellie,” her tone mimicked a young mother who had just caught her child red-handed, “You know what it matters. Don’t do it.”
“I’m literally not doing anything.”
“No, but you’re thinking about it.”
“About what?” Ellie’s tone had a sharp edge to it as annoyance twisted her stomach. On top of the other shit that she was dealing with this week, she was not exactly in the mood to deal with Dina’s judgement.
Dina stared at her in disbelief, emotions running across her face quicker than the speed of light–confusion, annoyance, and then finally, anger. She shook her head, taking a long swig out of her glass before speaking, “About seeing if the rumours are true, going where literally every other guy has gone before.”
Jesse coughed, inserting himself into the tense conversation between his best friend and girlfriend, “Not every guy.”
Both females sent him a silencing glare before turning back to one another.
“Don’t you think you’re being a little dramatic, still freaking out about something that happened years ago?” Ellie insisted, “If it’s so bad, then why doesn’t anybody talk about it? Jesus, even she wouldn’t tell me.”
“Oh, so you’ve been talking to her?” Dina scowled.
“Am I not allowed to?” Ellie challenged, knees wobbling underneath her as she pushed herself off of the bartop behind her. Of course, the drinks she had would make themselves known now of all times, when she needed to at least be sober enough that she wouldn’t end up saying something to her friend that she didn’t really mean.
The raven haired girl pursed her lips, hands resting on her hips, “I can’t make you do anything, Ellie, but I figured that it’s common decency to not sleep around with people that your best friend hates.”
“I’m not–” Ellie paused, exhaling slowly through her nose as she caught herself from raising her voice any more than she had to, “I’m not just sleeping around with her.”
“But you are sleeping with her?” Dina caught on, “Jesus, Ellie, don’t tell me you fell into her little trap. I figured you’d be smarter than that.”
“Why–don’t change the subject. If you don’t want me hanging around with her, tell me why. If she really did something that horrible to you, I’ll let it go.”
“I shouldn’t have to,” Dina fumed, “You’re my friend, I shouldn’t have to beg you to not hang out with the people I hate. But if it really means that much to you, she convinced me to ask Jesse out, and then tried to steal him from me.”
Jesse blushed sheepishly from behind her, shoving his hands deep into his pockets, “I don’t think she really tried to–”
“So what would you call it then?” She turned sharply towards him, “She told you I didn’t like you, knowing fully well that I did. Why else would she do that?”
Jesse paused, almost as if he were about to come up with an answer before slowly shrugging, “I don’t know, but I guess you really didn’t get the full story.”
“Why are you defending her now?” She sneered.
“I’m not, I just,” Jesse rushed, seemingly unsure of how to undig the hole he’d gotten himself into, “I don’t think this is something that’s worth fighting over, right? I mean, if Ellie has feelings for someone, shouldn’t we, as her best friends, support her?”
“Feelings?”
Ellie groaned, glaring at Jesse. Leave it to him to spill every secret she’d ever told him. She downed the remaining whiskey in her glass, wincing at the delicious burn as it slid down her throat before starting marching away from the pair, “I’m not dealing with this shit right now.”
***
Y/n’s cheeks burned under the harsh coldness of the wind. Instantly upon stepping out of her house, she felt a deep mourning for the warmth of her bed and even considered scaling the side of the two story home to sneak in through the window, that way she could have a comfortable and warm place to sleep, but would still need to stay half awake out of fear of being found by her father. Instead, she took quick steps in the opposite direction, barely catching herself as she slipped on the nearly invisible ice that covered the ground.
When she finally stepped into the warmth of the stables, she leaned against the heavy wooden door as it sealed shut behind her and finally let the tears that had been burning her waterline drip down her cheeks. Her breath left her lips in heaving clouds, the air considerably warmer inside the barn than it had been outdoors, but still quite cold. Still, she would likely sleep sounder in the pile of hay in the corner than she would in her own bed.
“Hey, are you–shit, what the fuck happened?”
The last thing that Y/n had expected to happen was to find somebody else in the stables this late at night, let alone to find Ellie there. She had, of course, come around the corner from Shimmer’s stall, having come to find some comfort in her chosen steed after her falling out with Dina.
“Ellie–”
“Who did this to you?” Her cold fingertips slapped Y/n’s own palms away from her swollen jaw, lightly pressing them into the purple flesh and tilting her head back to examine the dark collar that had begun to bloom around her throat. Y/n’s silence seemed to draw an emotional response from the auburn-haired girl, “Fuck, who did this? Was it Erin?”
“No,” Y/n finally uttered, “Not her.”
“Jesus, come here,” Ellie spoke as if she were giving the girl any option other than to follow her commands, leading her further into the dimly-lit barn to see the full extent of her injuries.
Y/n felt a deep, uncomfortable sense of insecurity beginning to eat away at any form of confidence she may have had left. Throughout every conversation and intimate moment they’d shared, Y/n had never felt quite as vulnerable as she had when Ellie was able to see through every barrier that had been erected between them. She sat in silence as Ellie poked and prodded at her, digging through the emergency first aid kit to clean the cuts that had splintered the delicate skin of her cheek.
“My dad,” Her voice cracked as she finally broke the silence, “It was my dad.”
Ellie paused her movement for a brief moment before continuing to dab at the broken skin, “Why?”
Y/n cleared her throat, eyes darting around to look at anything Ellie’s piercing mossy stare, “He saw Erin kiss me. Turns out, he’d rather go back to have a shameless skank as a daughter than a…”
Ellie cursed under her breath, chucking the dirty cotton pads off to the side. She tried to shake the jealousy that coursed through her veins, more focused on the girl’s physical wellbeing than their recent romantic falling out, “Why’d you come here? I mean, I get not wanting to be at home after this… but why not go to Erin?”
Y/n snorted, “Why’d you come here? Last I saw, you were having a grand time with your friends. You’re sure you aren’t afraid they’re gonna come looking for you and find us together?”
Ellie didn’t respond, taken aback at the response, but not at all angry or frustrating with the girl’s rightful feelings towards her.
Y/n finally sighed, “Sorry.”
“No, I–uh, I think that was deserving.” She paused for a moment, “I’m sorry too, if that means anything to you. I was so, so shitty towards you.”
A small chuckle fell from her lips, “Yeah, you were. Somehow, you still treated me better than anyone else that I’ve been with.”
Ellie pursed her lips, thinking back on her conversation with Jesse and Dina earlier on, “Hey, you don’t have to answer this if you don’t wanna, but can I ask what happened with you and Dina?”
Y/n stiffened, “You mean she hasn’t told you? You’ve been going along with her hatred for me and you don’t even know why?”
“I know why on her part,” Ellie explained, “but I have a feeling your side of the story is gonna be a little different. Did you really try to steal Jesse from her?”
A scoff escaped her, disbelief escaping her features as an expression of guilt took its place, “Yes… and no.”
“Gonna need more than that.”
“I may have told Jesse that Dina wasn’t as into him as he was into her,” Y/n admitted, shoulders slumping as she stared down at her intertwined fingers, “But it wasn’t because I liked Jesse.”
“You like Dina,” Ellie concluded, a look of surprise on her face.
“Liked, past tense,” Y/n corrected, “There’s only so much a girl can take before any kind of positive feelings go away.”
“Does she know?”
Y/n shook her head, “At the time, it made more sense for her to hate me over Jesse than for her to hate me over this. It really wasn’t until you came to town and started dating Cat that I realised that I’d made a mistake, but it was too late.” A whimper fell from her lips as more tears began to trickle down her cheeks, “I’m sorry Ellie, for everything. I’m not mad anymore, I’d be pretty fucking embarrassed to be seen with me, too.”
Ellie lurched forward, grasping either of her cheeks in her cool palms, “No baby, no. I’m not embarrassed. I just, I was scared, and I didn’t understand. I could never be embarrassed to be seen with you. Shit, you probably wouldn’t even believe how fucking much it hurt, having to see you with her.”
Y/n stared up at her, eyes glassy in the dim lighting as Ellie continued to ramble, seemingly completely unaware of what she was actually saying, considering that Ellie Williams was one of the second most emotionally constipated people she had ever met, second only to Joel.
“And you wouldn’t believe the kind of shit I’ve been getting from Jesse the last few days over this. I’m starting to think he might have been some kind of therapist in a past life or something, telling me how stupid I am and analysing my feelings. God–”
She was cut off as Y/n leaned forward, pressing a soft, barely-there kiss on her lips before pulling away, as if she had never done it in the first place. Both girls stared at each other with wide eyes, trying their best to read the expression of the other for a moment before Ellie grasped the back of Y/n’s neck and pulled her into a much firmer and much longer kiss.
Y/n was pliant under her touch, allowing Ellie to mould her in whatever way she wanted. It was surprising to her that it was able to make her feel this good only a short while after her altercation with Erin, and how different it felt. With Erin, things felt forced, almost as if she wasn’t holding back as much as she initially thought she had been, but with Ellie, it was literally impossible to melt in her warm embrace.
Y/n was the one who pulled away, forehead topped forward to meet Ellie’s as she inhaled heavily, forcing some fresh air through her puffy, spit-slick lips, “Ellie, I–”
“I know.”
“No, I can’t go back to how things were. I can’t have only half of you.”
“You won’t.”
Her eyebrows rose in surprise, “What about Dina?”
“She knows. Sort of. I guess it was too much to ask that Jesse keep his mouth shut.” Ellie snorted, her hand moving back to stroke the girl’s swollen cheek. “I don’t care what she thinks. She’ll be mad for a while, but she’ll come around.”
“And if she doesn’t?”
Ellie sighed, pressing one more sweet kiss to her lips, “Then I guess it’s just you and me against the world, huh?”
tags: @xmycxx @ellieseyesonly @lissanovak @erikaar @gold-dustwomxn @viswifetotallyreal @kerst666 @uraesthete @hellokitty3821 @stxrluvr @pampeop @ximtiredx @3lliesrifle @ellieslittlegf @chiao1209 @mimsiemoo @scarletnighttt @waiting-till-im-okay @salitosblog @eleactric @pedrosballsack @yourgirlcin @catostrophiclesbian @lazyotakuofficial @smelliebellie @slaysksmska @pretty-prrincess-13
#reader insert#x reader#imagines#lesbian#ellie williams x reader#ellie x you#ellie x y/n#ellie x fem reader#ellie x reader#ellie the last of us#ellie williams#ellie tlou
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Thoughts + Analysis on the Winx Reboot.
This is the first frame of the Winx Reboot and already this is..not looking good.What is going on with Bloom's mesh top !?!?
" I used to be a normal girl in a normal school just tryna fit in " This super AI generated line sounds like a direct rip off of the miraculous ladybug trailer...their not even trying to hide it at this point.
Have you guys also noticed that Kiko looks like a png !?!?! He' s floating awkwardly on the table like he wasn't originally supposed to be there.Its a shame because their backgrounds are so pretty (so far)
We see Bloom getting surprised by her fire powers and how it scares and then...the scene cuts off abruptly.Couldn't they have found a more natural way to transition to the next scene ?!
...so Flora and Stella just kidnap Bloom out of mid-air ?
The girls's rebootix look so much like dolls here that it takes me out of the story entirely--this is so obviously a capitalist cash grab ���💀
Why is Flora laughing during what is supposed to be a serious moment
But I do have to admit that Stella and Flora's CLOTHES, look pretty cute here.Its too bad that the wings/shoes/Stella's staff look chopped as hell.Like honestly, with a few tweaks Stella's outfit might look decent.
...Why does Stella look cross-eyed for two whole frames ?
Holy moly the dialogue to convince Bloom to come to magix with them sound so forced 💀.Like regular humans do NOT sound like that.But humans didn't write this now did they
" All fairies with magic in their heart can lean towards darkness...or the light. " What does this even mean ?!? Does your innate magic come from the hear or ?! Do Witches even exist in this timeline ?
Who is this guy and why does he look like he looks straight out of an anime video game ?!?
UPDATE : Ive been hearing some things around speculating about who this new Damian charather is.All I have to say is : Daphne is enough.
This looks like a recurring problem that this series seems to face--they don't seem to style their older male charathers in a consistent ( or good looking style ).Mike fr looks like a merge mansion charather. Vanessa looks.ok.I don't like the yellow shirt with the pink t-shirt ( are they forcing EVERYONE in pink now ?!?! ) And her face seems to suffer from prototype Musa syndrome.
" We know this isn't easy...but hard things never are..." Intelligencia Artificiale Ahh statement.
Okay female specialist--get the bag girl ! Now where are our male fairies n witches ?!
Wuh luh Wuh Meet-Ugly
WOAH ICY SERVE--the trix looking as Iconic as always.
Why do Darcy and Stormy look 10 shades darker than there supposed to be and im highly sure its not because of the lighting.Griffin looks...surprisingly good in her new reboot look.
Rainbow try not make their main girls look as chopped as possible challenge : Impossible.Aisha looks good, but Bloom and Stella's outfits and hairstyles look so hideous...can we please get bloom off of the hot pink please !? Too much dosen't look good on her. Why's Tecna's undercut so high up.
Good grief their hair looks worse from the back.
I don't feel anything when I see this..and is it me or do Bloom's sketches look suspiciously AI generated ?
THEY DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER RENDERING THIS FULL SHOT.
...ah here it is.The shot that's making the rounds around the Winx Community.Timmy looks like a pre-pubescent child and no longer a ginger, ( why are his lips so full ), Sky looks like TEMU adrien agreste, and that's not brandon...that's his cousin Femdom.He's either a flamboyant gay man or a 30 year old butch lesbian.Run Stella.
Rainbow fr couldn't stand that we all thought Brandon was hotter than their bland ass poster boy ( love you sky )
Well, at least Riven is serving face from the little we see of him.Also, why is their pink on the specialist spaceship !?!? Does everything in this show need to have pink ?!
EEEW.Actually scratch that.Sky looks like Lord Faarquad and Prince Charming from the shrek movie's love child.
Gotta say the shot of sky using his hoverboard and the red fountain tech looks..decent.i still don't know why the uniform has yellow accents ( IT DOES NOT LOOK GOOD. )
Is this...Paladium !?! He's clearly unrendered and its so uncanny to watch Bloom look so lively using her fire and he's just.staring at a wall.WHERE ARE HIS SIDE-BURNS
From the looks of it, It seems like Flora's going to be Bloom's new best friend in this reboot....but honestly the way they are marketed its looking a looot like wlw.
Bloom STILL has more chemistry with her friends/enemies than her own boyfriend...
" This is a horrible way to go... " Yeah Musa try again maybe we could hear a fraction more of emotion in your voice !
OH WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT ANOTHER UNRENDERED SHOT.
....did Bloom's skirt just dissapear mid air ?!?!
Okay, I have to admit Lake Roccaluce looks beautiful
TW : JUMPSCARE
Is this supposed to be Princess Daphnee, Nymph of Domino and Former holder of the Dragon's flame ?! Why do her eyes look like that...its taking me out.OG Daphnee literally looked like a goddess...do you expect me to think that she just looks like some random ass ghost now !?
Rainbow, Its possible for a ghost to look magestic...look at SOTLK for example.
Is it over ?Thank god this nightmare is over.
Final thoughts on this... " trailer " :
This is unironically the worst trailer for a series that I have seen in my entire life.At a base face value, this trailer was only a montage of different scenes in the show with 0 aim.We get no indication of a serious plot or an actual, coherent story, we are given no introduction to any of our main ( or side ) charathers...we are just simply expected to know who they are..which dosen't bode well if your trying to attract a new audience for your " show". We know that there's six main girls but we don't even take the time to get aquitainted with them...outside of their clothes we have no real indicator of what their personalities or powers are.
Likewise, the dialogue present in the trailer is not only super clunky--as I mentioned previously, the conversations don't have a natural flow and the script definitively sounds like it came out of an AI generated prompt at some point.Vanessa ( or at least who I THINK is Vanessa because we get no real indicator and she appears to share the same VA as Faragonda ) is a very good example of this.Her only line is " We know this isn't easy...but hard things never are...".What is this supposed to mean guys.No one in their right humane mind would ever say this.Furthermore, The Winx's voices's are emotionless at best and sound downright annoying at worst.Musa doesn't even sound like herself in the...one line that she was given and Bloom's voice actress can't seem to summon any type of energy for anything.
The practical effects are well done, and although the environements present are pretty, certain props or scenes are left unrendered or unfinished.( Ex : the Kiko PNG, Bloom's animation errors ).These mistakes were small enough that they could easily have been fixed in a day's work at least.Considering that this is the project that was ideally finally lift Rainbow out of disgrace and out of bankruptcy, wouldn't you want your project to look the best it possibly can ? This level of negligence communicates to your audience ( old fans and future investors alike ) that you really could not give a crap about this project.
So, with all these glaring issues – the narrative void, the stilted dialogue, the uninspired voice work, and the frankly baffling technical oversights – one has to wonder: what exactly was the goal of this trailer? If this is the best they could offer to entice new viewers and reassure long-time fans, then the future of this series is looking incredibly grim.
#anti winx club reboot#winx club#winx club reboot#justice for the winx#justice for WINX FANS#winx bloom#winx stella#winx specialists#winx sky#winx brandon#winx flora#winx tecna#winx musa#winx layla#winx aisha#winx roxy#winx faragonda#the trix#winx darcy#winx icy#winx stormy#I can't believe I thought this would actually be good.#winx
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love love love the sugar daddy au, do you have any nsfw thoughts to spare?
this is kinda gonna just be their first time together as im not 100% on their dynamic overall,,,,bare with me whilst i figure this couple out:
i feel like their first kiss is when they're drunk at regulus' penthouse, like they're sat on the sofa watching something or listening to music and talking and drinking some nice wine and regulus is looking away as remus stares at him and then just kinda leans a little closer at first
regulus flinches, he's never used to physical touch anymore, and then looks at remus and realises he genuinly wants to kiss him, thats it, and he leans in so their lips touch and its immediate fireworks
both of them feel electric and the soft kiss turns into deep kissing, slow and sensual, then passionate and desperate as they touch and grip and feel and grope and start to moan into each other's mouths but then regulus jumps back because he's scared, he hasn't done this in so long and he doesn't know what to feel and remus is so apologetic about it
then,,,,the sexual tension becomes too much
regulus caves, he goes to remus' flat when james is out with his brother and just,,,he kisses him so desperatley, moaning into his mouth about how horny he is and that he cant stop thinking about remus and he needs to fuck him and remus is all for it, he's been in the same boat
but regulus knows what he wants and he knows how this is going to go, so he lays out ground rules, safe words, dos and donts etc and remus is all for it, its the most safe and seen he's felt having sex EVER
regulus takes the lead, he feels every inch of remus before even taking his clothes off and its the best kind of torture
remus is a pretty submissive guy and he's under his spell straight away, just whimpering and pleading for regulus to let him touch him but he isnt ready, he needs his fill of remus first
regulus is,,,very good at giving head. he doesn't have a lot of experiance with partners but he watches porn, he has toys, he knows what he's doing, and remus' thighs are shaking by the end of it
regulus has never seen this intense look of pleasure ever on a partners face and he's actually flustered, he didnt expect remus to enjoy it so much but then he's being thrown on the bed and its time,,,he has to let remus see him naked
now, im a trans reg truther always, so he's very nervous. remus knows he's trans, they've had this talk, but he's never had sex with someone after transitioning and he's so scared remus will hate the scars and maybe hate the fact that he doesn't have a 'real' dick, remus loves his body so much its crazy
he's never been so attracted to someone and he wants to devour him,,,so he does
remus' sexuality is a bit of a mystery to me, but i feel like he's had experiance with,,,everything that can be down there, and he just gives regulus his fucking all, he's sloppy and messy but so precise and attentive, every time regulus tugs his hair he stays in that spot, every new moan and gasp is what he wants again and again, its amazing,,,he does himself proud
and then the actual fucking,,,its a bit awkward
remus has to get condoms and regulus is lying there watching him and then gets under the sheets so he's comfortable, and then remus is leaning over him just staring into his eyes and saying how beautiful and handsome he is and regulus just blushes and tells him to put it in already, and remus frowns
'i want this to last forever, regulus...dont you?' and regulus melts, plus it makes him wet af to hear that
and god,,,the sex is good guys, its so good
neither has ever felt this good before and its overwhelming in the best way
they're both panting and moaning and gripping at ecah other, begging for more and almost on the verge of tears because they've never felt so connected to another person, and its a mix of hot and fast and hard and slow and deep and loving and its just,,,UGH
they're a hot fucking couple idc
and afterwards when they're both cleaned and showered and the sheets are changed, regulus will NOT sleep in a dirty bed, they're lying together naked, just gently touching each other and holding each other, regulus confesses that he's been so scared to have sex again because he didn't think he'd ever enjoy it, he never did as a woman so why would he as a man? why would people care about his pleasure now?
and remus just kisses his forehead and promises to never let him feel that way again
regulus wakes remus up with a blowjob the next morning and rides him for ages, they basically spend the next three days fucking and going down on each other to make up for lost time until remus has to go back to work and even then he comes home in the afternoon to naked regulus in bed napping, and he's so fucking happy
#the marauders#regulus black#remus lupin#moonwater#moonseeker#remus x regulus#regulus x remus#remus lupin x regulus black#regulus black x remus lupin#mail
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