#im trying to get as much content done as possible before eventually the anxiety and self doubt take over and i disappear again

[hexados-on-a-string]

believe it or not, i was going to make some with other characters but i have a favourite i am so sorry

[weebsinstash]

Hey sorry to pester you and feel free to ignore this if it's annoying or 12 billion people have already asked but how far percentage-wise are you in writing the new chapter for BOAL? Sorry if this is annoying 😭

Gosh dude I keep trying to answer this ask without making it hella long by adding all these unnecessary details about "oh I feel bad I haven't written in ages blah blah blah, been prescribed new meds that might be helping, something something I just had my surgery for my other leg so hopefully I'll get something written while I'm being a sloth and recovering" so on so forth

Basically I've been real ass unproductive, I keep having these not-sure-if-it's-mania-but-could-be-mania emotional upswings and downswings where I'm either making so many WIPs I don't know what to work on to just. not doing shit, and obviously that's just in terms of writing. I've been having other personal issues that I've touched on before in probably a little too much detail 😅

Anyways, imma be honest and say The Storm is like, maybe slightly over halfway done, with the next chapter being, gosh, mostly unwritten. There have been some tweaks and shit done just off the cuff along the way which is another reason I haven't been super proactive in writing just because I kinda worry im going to dig myself a hole of inconsistent writing and odd choices and having to change things to be consistent because I didn't fully think an earlier decision through or--- basically im massively overthinking it and kneecapping my potential with anxiety

But I've actually been thinking about the series and just writing in general a lot lately so. No promises but I hope to get SOMETHING worked on soon because I do really like writing 🥺 also like im unemployed right now which isn't great obviously but for my mental health it's been pretty good so... yeah! Hopefully I get something out eventually. I'm in a leg cast for at least 4 weeks so that's at least 4 weeks of me being able to take it easy and hopefully get some shit done

So yeah! These upcoming chapters are going to have a lot of emotion and action in them and I have to kind of find the balance to strike with that, which has been, uh, intimidating for me. But yeah! I just need to tell myself I'm writing as a hobby and it's not like I'm writing a college paper or an academic essay lr something and that I gotta stop always trying to like. I dunno. Try and make my stuff as "perfect" as possible

Also like sometimes the performances of being a content creator gets exhausting so I kind of needed a break from that for a few months. Obviously I know I don't have to and I'm not required or obligated or being forced but I feel guilty when I "can't provide for my following" and then that can develop into like, weird habits and mindsets of putting the pleasure of internet strangers above myself when I'm literally writing for my own enjoyment and really the point of publishing it is just so I can be told "oh this was fun to read, good job!" to get extra enjoyment out of what I've written

But yeah dude you're not being annoying! I think I needed a break from writing and publishing for a while and im trying to ease back into it at a comfortable pace so I don't get overwhelmed so... I guess stay tuned and hopefully something will happen soon 😌

[mai-sau]

if you're still taking them: russingon + 34?

!!! thank you so much for prompting (and for your patience, this has taken so long im so sorry!!) and i really hope you enjoy it!! i admit this one stumped me for a while because every time i tried to think of smth it was like, romance brain empty aro thoughts only. and then i went. oh. aro thoughts.

:3c

set in aman, pre-kinslaying.

Prompt: “It’ll never be enough.”

“Nelyo, please!” Findekáno hissed. Snatching one of the many plump pillows off his bed, he whipped it at Maitimo’s head. It landed right on target, smacking him  in the back of the head. It hit the floor with a soft plop.

“What?” Maitimo teased. A lazy grin stretched across his face. His eyes, sparkling blue, twinkled in a way Findekáno decided he most definitely did not trust. “Afraid dear uncle will see me trotting about his halls?”

Findekáno crossed his arms and shot him a look. “If it means that I will have to explain why I have let a Feanorian into said halls, then yes. Consider me very, very afraid.”

Maitimo merely snorted. With a grand sigh, he let himself fall backwards onto Findekáno’s bed, his body bouncing a bit on the downy mattress. Findekáno tried very hard not to notice how his hair lit up in a glowing amber in the light spilling from the window. And he most certainly did not notice how the locks  framed his freckle-dusted cheeks or his plush lips, now pulled into a pout. “Fin, please. Have a little courage.”

Findekáno raised an eyebrow. “And I’m sure you would love to explain why you’re roaming about these halls to my dear uncle?”

Maitimo groaned and threw an arm over his face. The rich ruby silk of his sleeve pooled over his face, obscuring it from view, though Findekáno was sure his expression aptly matched the theatrics. It was as good a surrender as he was going to get.

Sighing, Findekáno couldn’t help the fond smile that smoothed across his face. He joined Maitimo on the bed, sitting down next to where his friend lay. Gently, he laid a hand on his forearm, pulling it away to reveal Maitimo’s grumbling, pretty face.

“Come now,” Findekáno soothed. “Is it really so terrible to practice a little subtlety?”

“A little subtlety? You would have me creep about these halls like a burglar.” Maitimo huffed.

“It’s just for our families,” Findekáno reasoned. “You know I would love to spend time with you freely, as I’m sure you do too. We both know that isn’t possible, at least -” He paused, gingerly tucking a strand of hair behind his ear. At least while our fathers still quarrel like two wet cats in a barrel. “At least, not right now.”

“Fin,” Maitimo said. “You wanted me to climb out the window.”

“Well, yes,” Findekáno said. They paused, staring at each other. “Okay, maybe that was a bit much.”

“Maybe,” Maitimo said. They looked at each other a moment more, before his friend broke out into a grin again. “Or maybe I could stay a little longer? We were out for quite a bit today. We could both use a nap, don’t you think?”

“Well,” Findekáno considered it. They had gone out for a walk by a babbling brook Maitimo discovered while out the other day and had wanted to show him. It was quite lovely, and more than a little playful splashing was done, so they spent the next few hours sprawled out on the rocks chatting idly while their clothes dried in the warm air. Eventually, they made their way back to Findekáno’s home, managing to slip unnoticed through the halls despite Findekáno’s anxiety over the whole thing. 

They had spent the past three hours talking over everything and everything, Maitimo occasionally running his hands over all the bits and baubles in Findekáno’s room, examining each one with a casual yet intent gaze. Were it anyone else, Findekáno might have been a bit antsy about letting them touch the little treasures he had acquired over the years that lived all about his room. 

They were small things, though each close to his heart: a wooden whistle he had whittled as a child, a violet he pressed from one of their walks together - Maitimo had pulled him into an entire field of them and they had rolled about in the grass for hours, talking and playing and laughing - and a sea-smoothed stone Irissë had dropped into his palm during a trip to the beach when they were younger, among other things. 

But as Maitimo brushed his fingers against the stone, admired the misshapen whistle, tapped the violet left out on the pages of his sketchbook - Findekáno felt nothing but a quiet joy, a deep contentment and pride unfurling in his chest at sharing what he cherished with who he cheris-

Well. That was where things got complicated, didn’t it?

Because Findekáno saw it. Even now, he saw it - that playful glimmer in his friend’s eyes, tender and touching and so, so confusing, because Findekáno didn’t know-

“Well?”

He blinked. Maitimo still lay before him, curiously looking him over. Distantly, he noted Maitimo’s fingers drumming a careless beat against his wrist - that’s right,  Findekáno was still holding his arm. He should probably let go now.

“I…” He really should.

“I… suppose it would be alright.” Findekáno said.

Maitimo’s brows furrowed slightly. He sat up on the bed and took both of Findekáno’s hands in his. “Finno, it’s no problem if you would rather not. If you’d be more comfortable if I went back out for now, then I’d gladly do so. Anything you want.”

“It’s okay,” Findekáno smiled. And this - indulging his heart, enjoying Maitimo’s presence for just a bit longer - this was okay, wasn’t it? “I love spending time with you. I want to spend more time with you.”

Maitimo still looked uncertain. “Are you sure? If you’re tired, and would like to rest on your own, really, it’s no trouble-”

“Nelyo,” Findekáno said. He placed both hands on Maitimo’s chest, gently pushing him back on the bed. Findekáno snuggled into his side, resting his head on his chest. No matter the confused whirl of emotion he felt whenever he thought about it too hard, Findekáno adored laying with Maitimo like this, especially after long trips out in the forests. Like this, he could hear the steady beat of Maitimo’s heart, pulsing against his cheek. “Don’t go home yet.”

He felt a hand lazily card through his hair. “Of course,” Maitimo murmured.

Findekáno wasn’t sure how much sweet time rolled past them, curled up together and dozing in his bed. All he knew was the slow, tender brush of fingers through his hair, and Maitimo’s heartbeat gently pulsing under him. 

“Finno?”

“Mm?”

“I love you.”

“You-” Findekáno felt the blood freeze in his veins. In his mouth, his tongue turned to lead, and he carefully chose his reply. “I… love you too. You are a dear friend to me.”

“Yes, but -” Maitimo choked off. Findekáno forced his head up, and saw Maitimo gazing at him helplessly. “Finno, I love you.”

“Ah.”

And looking at Maitimo, whose eyes bored into him with love and longing so plain and bare, Findekáno was struck with a terrible wave of guilt. Fondness. Shame. Want. Confusion. It washed over him, twisted up his insides, until the world was a blurry mess.

“Fin? Are you alright?” He heard Maitimo’s voice ask worriedly. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

Ah. So that’s what it was. Findekáno felt the warm, wet tears rush down his face. Trembling fingers touched his cheek, and Maitimo brushed away his tears as they came.

“I’m sorry,” Findekáno whimpered. “I’m really sorry.”

“Shh,” Maitimo hushed him, though his own voice seemed strained. “It’s okay, Finno. It’s okay. I just wanted you to know. It’s okay if you don’t feel the same. It’s okay. I’ll still be here for you.”

“No, it’s not - well, it is, but it’s - it’s -” Findekáno tried to explain. “I love you, Nelyo, I do, I do, it’s just - I don’t think I love you the same way - I don’t think I love the same way.”

Maitimo frowned in confusion. His thumb rubbed against Findekáno’s damp cheek. “What do you mean, Fin?” He asked gently.

“I mean…” Findekáno took in a deep breath, took in every bit of confusion that swirled inside him over years and years, and let it spill. “I love spending time with you, I love being around you, I love you, but when I think of, of love, I think of my siblings. My father. My mother. My friends. And you. And you feel - different, closer, I think you’re wonderful and beautiful, I do. And maybe we could make it work; it’s close enough, isn’t it? I love you, and I am attracted to you, so maybe this is just a big fuss about nothing, it’s close eno-”

“Finno,” Maitimo said softly. “Let me hear your heart, not what you think mine wants to hear. I want to hear you.”

Findekáno breathed in, once, twice. Considered. It was close enough. He could do it, go on with close enough and compensate for the rest, but… “I don’t want to perform, or pretend. Not to you, and not to me.”

“Perform?”

Findekáno sighed. “When I think of romance, I - I don’t know what I picture. I’m not sure I even understand it, to be honest. Which sounds silly, I know. Romance is two people in love, right? But I don’t know what in love is supposed to entail. I can’t even picture it. I try to, I do. I think of what it might be like to fall in love, and I try to think of what it might feel like, what could possibly make it feel different from the love I feel for my family, or my friends. And for the very life of me, I just… can’t.”

Findekáno slumped then, the tension releasing from his body at the admission. It felt like defeat. It felt like truth.

“That’s alright, Fin. I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult or confusing that must be,” Maitimo said. “Thank you for explaining it to me.”

“Mm, it’s…” Findekáno trailed off. “Nelyo, I’m so sorry. You’re here comforting me, when you put yourself out there and it must hurt and all because I’m the one who’s… broken.”

“Fin, you are not broken!” Maitimo insisted, eyes wide. “You live, and you feel, and you love in your own way. It sounds like you are perfectly whole, just… differently shaped?”

Findekáno couldn’t help it - he barked out a laugh, and felt another curl of fondness in his chest for the nér beside him. “Well, I suppose that’s a more optimistic way to put it. And… when I think of you, I feel…”

Even as he trailed off, Maitimo was silent. He would let him take all the time he needed. Findekáno knew it.

“I feel love. I love you like a dear friend, I love you like something I can’t describe; I grew to love you as a friend, and every day I know you I grow fonder. And I do find you - well, beautiful. But the love I feel hasn’t changed, per se. It’s still the same kind of love I felt when we first became friends. And maybe one day it will change, who knows? But I know that right here, right now, I see you as a dear friend, closer than any I’ve had before.” Findekáno took a breath, felt it fill his lungs. “I love you. But to say I’m in love with you would be… untrue. And I never want to lie to you, Nelyo, not ever. And… not to myself, either.”

Findekáno breathed in deep once more. Maitimo smelled of the forest, the brook they had delighted in together, with just the faintest notes left of his own home: warm spices and smoke. If he could lay like this for just a few more moments, a few more moments until Maitimo realized he was much better off pursuing his heart elsewhere than on a hopeless case like Findekáno, then he would take all the time he could get.

“Thank you, Finno,” Maitimo finally murmured. “Thank you for telling me. Thank you for trusting me. And I… would like to ask you something.”

“Yes?”

Maitimo swallowed, closed his eyes, opened them. Looked right at Findekáno. His eyes were crystal blue, Findekáno thought, and yet they were so warm.

“Can I… stay by your side?” He asked, voice soft as a feather. “Not as your lover, or anything you’re not comfortable with, but just… as whatever we will be.”

Findekáno sputtered. “But - Nelyo, you deserve to be happy. With someone who can love you in return. The way you deserve to be loved.”

“Do you not love me? You said it yourself,” Maitimo hummed. “Finno, your love may not be the same, but it is love. It is you.”

“Nelyo, please,” Findekáno begged. Please, please. Maitimo needed to understand, so they didn’t get their hopes up, so that they would be spared the inevitable disappointment, the unavoidable heartbreak. But my heart already feels like it’s breaking, Findekáno grieved. “It’ll never be enough - I’ll never be enough -”

“Finno,” Maitimo said. “You are enough. Your love is enough. Maybe one day I will fall in love with another, but my love for you is not so easily lost. I want to be by your side: as dear friends, as partners, as anything. You bring me so much joy, Finno, so much, and when we are together I feel as if my heart is at peace and ready to burst at the same time - I want to see you happy, and cherished, and loved. Because I love you, deeply, and Finno, that will not change simply because you love differently. I love you.”

Oh dear - Findekáno’s vision was going blurry again. He felt warmth in his chest, through his whole body, blooming through each vein.

Maitimo made a helpless noise. “Oh, you’re - stars, Fin, I’m so sorry -”

“No,” Findekáno said. Knowing he could say the words without any pretense or performance, true and raw, he smiled. “I’m just - I love you. I love you so much.”

Slowly, sweetly, Maitimo’s lips curled into a smile, as if enjoying the most wonderful treat he had ever tasted. “I love you too.”

[its-ya-boi-autumn]

sjdbfisdb your writing is so good!!!! i loooovveeeee the feitan ones so much ahg. im content starved. i dont know if youve already done this since i just found ur acc, but could you do one with with machi in it? maybe fluff? idk...

I've actually never done Machi! I love her so muchhhhh I'm an attention whore for her 😂😂 I didn't know if you wanted male or female, so I did this platonically and tried to avoid anything suggestive of gender (most of the time I try to do that anyway but still)

"Right on time!" you greeted Machi happily, smiling gently at her. She didn't return it. Must of been in a bad mood. Your own mood changed slightly, eyebrows furrowing and squinting at her.

"What happened? You good?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, just ran into some trouble on the way here. " Her arms were crossed over her chest defensively though she finally let a small smile tug at her lips. You sighed in relief. At least you wouldn't have to deal with the bad attitude all day.

You wouldn't necessarily call it a date, mostly because Machi and yourself had been friends for a few months, but you'd offered to take her out to the small cafe just downtown of your apartment. To your surprise, she obliged.

"So, other than that 'trouble' you ran into, how's your day been so far?" you tried to make light conversation. Machi didn't seem to be very talkative in general, though she let her arms fall down to her sides.

"Eh, it's been okay I guess. It happened the second I woke up. Some guy just started banging on my door and yelling."

"How long was he there for?"

"Dunno, don't care. Must of been all morning." she looked away from you and instead to her side, watching for something. Her alertness didn't go unnoticed, though you said nothing. You wanted to avoid making her uncomfortable or seeming invasive at any cost. She told you what she wanted to, and that was all. You didn't want to ruin your relationship when it just started. Though, your own anxiety was beginning to swell in your chest. Who was she looking for?

"So, have you ever been to this place before?" you attempted to start a new topic in order to muffle the apprehension wrapping itself tightly around you. You even started searching for an unknown source of your worry, darting your eyes every where for a threat you didn't even know was there. Machi seemed to take notice.

"Don't worry, nothing is here right now." she started, "And, as long as you're with me, you're safe. Also, no, I haven't been here before." she chuckled at your reaction. You let your guard fall down and continued to walk with her. You had seen Machi fight before so you knew you were probably safe. Still though, you couldn't help but be wary of the world around you. Your hands fumbled over each other nervously.

One of Machi's hands covered both of yours, lowering them slowly. You met her gaze. She was... Gentle?

"Hey seriously, don't worry about it. Everything's gonna be fine~" she reassured you softly, never taking her eyes off you. The world around you seemed lighter now, better than it was a few moments ago.

The two of you simply kept walking together, bodies in sync with one another while you spoke. Machi didn't seem the domestic type, but right now she was rather calm and perceptive. Not only of her surroundings but also of your conversation. She was genuinely listening and giving effort to hold up with you. This in and of itself made you glow on the inside.

Eventually, the two of you managed to make your way to the small café on the corner. You would have passed it up entirely had Machi not pointed it out to you.

“Alright, I hope this was worth leaving home for...” Machi spoke more to herself than to you, and you knew she didn’t mean it offensively. However, the words still reached you in a negative tone. You didn’t let it bother you too much as you knew she’d like it a little bit at the very least.

There wasn’t much to the area. It was rather bland looking and unassuming for someone who was new to the café. Machi didn’t seem to mind though, even letting her guard down more. Obviously, despite the cream color of the walls and typical swirly cursive writing on the white boards, this place struck her as somewhere comfortable. Safe. Safe from whatever had been bothering her earlier that morning. A part of you wanted to ask her about it, to see if possibly you could help with whatever it was. The other part of you said that it was none of your business though and that it would just be better not to ask. You were sure that whatever it was, Machi could handle her own.

“So, what do you think?” you asking while stepping in front of her view, eyeing the photos on the wall of coffee brews and of food they served here. Machi said nothing, still taking it all in. You didn’t push her, at least not until the waiter arrived with two menus in hand.

“Two?” She held up two fingers. You nodded, tugging on Machi’s sleeve to ensure she wouldn’t be in the way of the next customers to enter. You snapped her out of her trance, letting go of her immediately so she wouldn’t feel alarmed. She followed willingly after you and seated herself across from you in the chair closest to the wall. The waiter set your menus down on the glossy wood and pulled out a pen and paper pad.

“Can I get you started off with some drinks?” her voice was pitched in a friendly manner, fake and rather transparent. Machi took a quick glance behind the waiter even though her menu was right in front of her.

“I’ll just have some green tea for now.” she started, her hands playing with the edge of the menu.

“Just an iced mocha for me, thank you.” you smiled at the waiter as she wrote down your drinks.

“Alright, I’ll come back out when they’re ready.” she said, placing her paper pad back into her apron pocket and walking off. For a few moments, neither you nor Machi spoke. Both of you stared at your menus, searching for something to eat. You hadn’t really found anything to eat yet since you had been feeling picky lately when the waiter came up and handed out the glasses with your drinks in them. Machi closed her menu and set it to the side, her hands folding on the table and her back completely straight. Was something off? Did she sense someone nearby that shouldn’t be. She seemed to be relaxed but on the off hand she was awfully aware of her surroundings. Not that it was a bad thing entirely, it just made you nervous. It made you feel like maybe you should be more aware as well.

Machi plainly told the waiter what she wanted and then turned her attention to you. Blushing you stuttered out something you thought you might want, even though it didn’t sound entirely appetizing. You were more focused on Machi’s mood changes than on your order. The waiter said something you didn’t quite hear and then walked off again.

“Are you okay?” her voice broke through to you. You flinched at the sound. Her brow cocked up in judgement.

“Yeah... just anxious, that’s all.”

“I already told you, as long as you’re with me, you-”

“I know! But your mood keeps changing, like you sense something somewhere and it’s making me jittery...” you blurted a little louder than you wanted to, drawing the eyes of some people close by. Machi took notice of this but made no move to meet any of them. Your cheeks flushed in embarrassment.

“I’m sorry... I just wanna know what happened and you keep making it seem like whoever was bothering you is still close by.”

“He is.” her voice was completely flat. You shrunk in your seat, head and eyes down to avoid her own. The monotone change made you think you had upset her, making you feel insecure of your next moves.

“I’m sorry...” you mumbled it, you didn’t even know if she heard. Machi sighed, pulling her chair closer to the table and taking a quick glance around the café.

“Look,” she started, “he’s not an enemy, he’s an ally. He’s just been causing some trouble lately and he’s been following me around. He won’t hurt you or me, so we’re okay. I don’t know about anyone else though.” she explained. Her voice remained soft, an attempt to reassure you of your situation while still being honest. A part of you thought it worked as your hands and legs stopped fidgeting about the table. Everything was going to be okay. Whoever this ‘ally’ of Machi’s was couldn’t of been that bad if he hadn’t already shown himself. You tried to calm down some more, just to not create a scene for anyone else. Straightening your back, you leaned forward on the table like she did.

“Okay, can I get a name?” 

“No, that puts both of us in danger.”

“D-danger?” you uttered, feeling yourself shrink again. Machi’s eyes widened. She must of said something she shouldn’t have. Maybe she meant to word that sentence differently and just hadn’t thought about it. Either way, it made you start to worry even more.

“Hey, y/n, we’re okay. I’m right here. I’m not gonna let anyone hurt you and I don’t think he’d even try to.” she tried again, trying to make sure you wouldn’t cause a scene. You tried to comply and calm down.

By the time you had actually managed to sit still, your food had arrived in front of you. Machi was already digging in before the waiter could set her plate down.

“You must have been hungry!” you joked, taking a bite of your own food, changing the attitude if the atmosphere once again. Machi didn’t laugh back, just hummed a yes in response, too busy chewing to actually speak. You giggled to yourself, hoping that whatever she was talking about earlier was just talk and that there wasn’t actually anyone there to bother the two of you. And if there was someone here, you hoped they’d just leave you be. You were having a good time with Machi, and you enjoyed her company. You didn’t want this to be ruined by some random stranger. 

[bahannah01writes]

Lighthouse

This was going to be a flower fic, but I got mildly metaphorical and now it’s called lighthouse lol. Aaaa I know I haven’t written in forever and I’m far less than consistent but I’m hopefully still a decent writer and I will hopefully be uploading more and being here for you all more as well :) Thank you, everyone, for your continued support, I love y’all big time and you have no idea how much I appreciate it<3!! 

Kind of requested by this sweetie! @glorious-idiot I know it’s very late but I hope you enjoy, love! Also this may or may not have a part two because I feel like it could but I feel like it’s also good as is. Soooo tell me what you all think ! ^^

Warnings: Slightly Paranoid! Reader  

Send in requests!

Check out the masterlist here :)  

Tags: @kourt-kay @themarkiplierexperience  @let-it-go-and-live-again @skarletton @maximum-fander @randomboxofsadness @browniebri @amostpeculiarmademoisellerp @potteritis @kindasortagood  if you want to be on the tagged list,  just message me and it shall be done!

Enjoy!

11:56pm

Sent to moomoo:

are you up?

00:13am

Sent to moomoo:

aaaAa i dont want to bug but please tell me youre awake

00:28am

Sent to moomoo:

Markkkkkkk:(

     Sighing, you realize that you're alone for this one. You breathe in and out for a moment to try and calm your racing heart, but it seems to do very little. The voices from your TV acting only as a buzzing white noise in the background of your mind. You try to focus, eyes struggling to stay on the screen when they feel the need to dart and survey the room. Every little sound is sending your heart and mind into a panicked state. Feet grow cold and heavy, they keep you from moving whether you want to or not. Not unlike your voice, which appears to also be stuck and hiding from what may be around you. All you can manage to do is pull the blanket, your one layer of protection, tighter around your body in a hope that you can bury yourself from the world in its warmth.

     There was another noise from behind you. The sound of floors creaking only for just a second. In a swift motion, your head swerves to look in that direction and you swear you caught a shadow of a figure. Your eyes widen once again and you try to control your breathing. Hands grasping to get your phone once again, the screen illuminating your face in the dimly lit room as you debate what to do next. You lip finds itself between your teeth, a nervous habit showing itself in this moment of paranoia. You know you are making something out of nothing, but the fear you are feeling is nothing less than real.

     You needed to try again.

00:45am

Sent to moomoo:

Im scared, mark

please just call me asap, ok?

     Your cat stares at you from the other side of the couch. Her curious eyes inspect you and senses that something is off. Rather than letting her make her way over, you reach over and pull her into your lap, a meow of resistance resonating in the room. You ignore it and instead, try to pet your nerves away. She eventually settles and begins to purr, content with this odd situation as long as she's getting pet. You, on the other hand, are still far from content with your situation.

     Why isn't Mark awake? You know you tell him all the time to get more sleep but why must tonight be the one night he decides to take your advice?

     He was always there for you when you were scared. Honestly, he was one of the only people you trusted enough to talk to about things like this. Mainly because he and Amy found out after they insisted you stayed and watched horror movies with them for Halloween… but that's beside the point. They were both able to be your lighthouse that guided you through the fog of paranoia in the late hours of the night. Only, it seems as if you may be left sailing blind tonight.

     Until a certain name catches your eyes and becomes a temptation.

     A mental debate fills your thoughts with ‘yes’s and ‘no’s and yet, you click the call button all the same. Not truly realizing it at first, either. As the phone rings in your hand, you panic for a whole new reason and with a shaky hand, hang up.

     You shake your head and place your phone down. That’s when you notice that the room appears darker than before. All the little noises that you were temporarily oblivious to fade back into your world. The large glass sliding door adjacent to the couch, hidden by mere curtains that are lighter than the weight on your chest, feels like it has transformed into a dismal portal. You can feel eyes on you. But how many? What if someone is just waiting out there for you and has been watching you all along? And… what if they come in?

     Your breath catches, it is as if you can already feel their hands around your throat. Your chest rises and falls like the unsteady waves of the deep ocean, you feel yourself sinking into the unknown and losing your sense of security.

     Your phone rings and at this noise of a possible saving grace, your desperate hands reach to answer without even looking at the caller id.

     “Hello?” You call out, voice wavering from the anxiety that has taken hold of your body.

     “Hey, (Y/n). You called..?”

     Ethan. Your eyes dart for a moment, debating if you should come out with it. Instinctively, you go to pet your cat but you notice she had left at some point without you noticing. This prompts you to go forth and tell him after all.

     “Yeah, I did… Sorry,” You automatically apologize, feeling bad for the emotional strife you are about to reveal to the poor boy. You would normally not even dare tell this secret fear of yours to him in case it would somehow ruin your chances with the sweetheart, but the fear raising in your head outweighs such small concerns. You hear him dismiss your apology and a shaky smile crosses your lips and you continue with, “I know it’s late but, I… I’m kind of really scared, right now, Ethan.” And with that, a humorless chuckle leaves your lips. The feeling of weakness now mixing with your paranoia, what if he sees you just as weak as you feel?

     It’s silent on the line. You feel yourself sink deeper into the depths of your mind at the idea that he may feel just as you suspect.

      “Would you like to hear a story?”

      A story? You’re a tad perplexed but curl into yourself and nod, “I, yeah, I would like to hear one, I think.” Your voice is less than confident but all the same, just listening to Ethan tell a story sounds nice.

     You feel like you can hear his golden smile over the phone as his voice lights up and begins to tell a story back from his years in junior high. Already sensing that it will probably be one with him acting stupid or coming up with some silly and delightful plan, your heart begins to lighten. You close your eyes and try to work on your breathing as you listen, hanging onto every word that falls from his lips and into your ear.

     A distracted mind no longer swarms your thoughts with the nightmarish and impossible situations that it seems to fill with at night. Instead, it begins to clear and you realize that you have another lighthouse.

     About five stories in, the clock on the wall reminds you that you have been up for far too long. You interrupt Ethan, “Oh wow, I’m sorry, Ethan! It’s like almost 3am. I didn’t mean to keep you up this late-”

     “You realize if anyone is keeping someone up, it’s me right?” His laugh that follows is sleepy, making you smile softly and roll your eyes.

     “I’m the one that called you, though.”

     “Cause you were scared and it’s my responsibility as your friend to help.”

     Guilt tugs at your heart but you try to shake it off. Because he was right, friends help friends with even the silliest of fears. “Thank you, Ethan,” you say, almost whispering, still a bit embarrassed but also very grateful to this man you have in your life.

     “It’s nothing, you’d do the same for me.”

     There is another moment of silence, only this one is filled with mutual admiration and love for one another.

     It is his sleepy laugh returning that breaks the silence, “You feel better right?”

     “I do!” You laugh lightly along with him.

     “Good. I want you to try and get some sleep tonight, alright?”

      “Alright, and again, just thank you so much.”

      He hums in response, “Call me again if you ever get scared. If you ever need me to come over too, tell me and I’ll be there,” Ethan chuckles and is grateful that you can’t see the blush growing on his cheeks, “I’ll always do what I can to protect you, even if it’s just from the things that go bump in the night.”

      You thank you for the third time before sharing an exchange of goodnights and finally hanging up. The smile refusing to leave your lips as you feel your heart not only at peace but also in complete and utter bliss at his words.

      Maybe he really could be your new lighthouse.

~

So, I really hope you all enjoyed this!! :) It may be a lil obvious but this is slightly personal as I get super spooked easily when I am alone and it’s night and I always end up spooking myself further because that’s what I do apparently lol Anywayyy, I wanted to say thank you to you guys again :) Justttt aaa I know I’m not the greatest so to everyone who is still supporting me and reading my stuff, bless you all and thank you so so so much!! I will try to do better by you all!! ^^

[leta-the-strange]

Spoiler-free COG feelings/essay/thoughts before I see the movie. Spoiler-free because the movie isn’t out here til the end of the week but obviously, I’ve picked up info from trailers and interviews and things like that so sort of common knowledge stuff but I guess if you’ve avoided all the promos for the year I wouldn’t want to ruin it for you now so don’t read until after you’ve seen it if that’s the case (again, I only know basic info).

I have a lot of feelings that I’ve been sitting on for a while because frankly, large parts of the Fantastic Beasts and Harry Potter fandom terrify me. It’s why in my nineteen years (okay, thirteen years – I had to learn how to read) I’ve distanced myself from engaging in the fandom too much and when I do, I try and stick to as safe, neutral content as possible.

But I’m going to write a little bit a lot (my anxiety’s poppin off the charts right now) not to antagonise anyone or personally offend people just to get this pent up crap off my chest before I see the movie. 

I have Māori and Pākehā parentage. Although I am proud to be a Māori girl and I’m definitely not white-passing, I do acknowledge that out of my family, I was born with the lightest skin and being a lighter-skinned/mixed poc among my family and friends has made me recognise my privilege. That isn’t to say I haven’t experienced lifelong struggles with racism, bullying and discrimination but I will never experience the same micro-aggressions and experiences that they have. Although, I do have light-skinned privileges and I don’t ever want to take away the struggles of my family that I won’t experience on the same level, growing up looking a little different opened me up a lot of feelings of invalidation within my own culture. When I experienced racism as a child, I was also met with disdain for being upset about it when I wanted to talk about it. This was when I was a child and I didn’t understand lighter skinned privilege or the animosity from some of my own people. I am far more educated now, but during that confusing time I, like most children, turned to literature (which in turn is what helped me make sense of the world).

I’ve gotten a little off track – this isn’t overly important to what I’m writing about, but it is introducing my opinion as coming from a woman of colour who has experienced racism and horrible bullying, but I always feel the need to clarify my position as a lighter skinned poc before giving my opinion based on those experiences.

Obviously from my content, I love Leta Lestrange. Perhaps it started out as a matter of representation, but I feel like over the past year, I have become intrigued with her for a number of reasons. She’s striking me as a Sirius, Regulus and Andromeda Black type character. Different to her family and caught in a struggle of light and dark (magic, not skin colour). Loves magical creatures. I haven’t seen it yet but it seems like she is one of the centre point characters of the film. She seems to be connected to many of the main characters in one way or another and has always striked me as the most intriguing.

I really do hope I am wrong but the ‘other’ love interest’s in the Harry Potter universe are usually treated terribly. They experience character assassination to further the development of the canon/new interest.

I really hope this film doesn’t do the whole blow out a woc character to make the white, self-insert, classically beautiful, ‘im not like other girls’ character shine brighter.

Before everyone comes for me, I wouldn’t say I’m a Tina ‘anti’ whatever that is. There’s no like extreme hatred at all! I would say I don’t like Tina as a character, or Queenie for that matter. Not yet anyway. The new trailer gives me hope that this movie might win me over finally. It doesn’t need to be upsetting or offensive to anyone. There are lots of people out there with favourite and not-so-favourite characters. A lot of people dislike Ron, Dumbledore, Snape, even Harry…and there are people who have those characters as their favourite.  

There are a lot of reasons I don’t like Tina and Queenie. I may address them in a different post if being vague upsets people more than going in-depth but at this point, I am trying to stay as unconfrontational as possible but I have seen people get extremely furious when they don’t deem your reason for disliking them to be ‘good enough’ so if not saying exactly what I find uncomfortable about them is not as preferable as telling people then I can write it up as respectfully as possible if I’m treated the same way. All I’ll say is that I think Tina is a good person, but, in my opinion, not a great character. Queenie is the opposite. I would not like Queenie as a person but I have to admit, she’s a good character. But I’ll hold the rest of my opinions until after the second film. 

Honestly, the film adaptions leave some of my favourite book characters to be desired. Maybe if FB was a novel, I’d like Tina but I really dislike her in the movies. I have seen people blow up when this is said. I try to understand the outrage. I think one of the reasons I dislike Tina is one of the reasons why people love her. She is, at this point and in my opinion (which is ONLY an opinion), a self-insert character. Any Newt x Reader fanfiction can easily read as a Newtina fanfiction and vice versa. I know. Because I’m a FB fanfiction writer myself and tried to write her. Sometimes when you attach yourself to a character so much, it can feel personally offensive when someone says something as harmless such as they don’t like then. I don’t experience this as often. Every Reader/OC fanfiction is, perhaps unintentionally, but nearly always aimed at a white person in description. In actuality, nearly every character in literature is, intentionally or not, described with textbook white features or assumed white by the fandom/readers/watchers.

I know people are going to hate this opinion because I’ve seen people jump down other people’s throats when this gets brought up. I do believe, whether it is conscious or not, Leta not being white COULD, subconsciously, be a factor as to why she is so inherently hated. I’ve seen more hate for Leta than any other character – even the antagonist! I hate what they did to Lavender Brown, book and movie wise, but even she, being as over exaggeratedly unlikable as a romantic plot device, received and still receives far less fandom hate than Cho Chang (who was also eventually written to be ‘jealous, hysterical, unlikeable’, etc, etc – I don’t agree btw I love, understand and appreciate Cho and Lavender)  who was smart, talented, kind, traumatised, and until it was no longer convenient to the main characters romance for her to be ‘likeable’ anymore.

I wish I could enjoy going through the Leta tag but often, her and Newt can’t even be in a scene or photo together and people lose their minds with anger and hate. Literally, the comments on any scene/photo they are in are all along the lines of ‘stay away from newt!/poor tina/urgh, don’t flirt leta/leta WHAT ARE YOU DOING?’. Sorry, to break it to you guys but it isn’t a love triangle. It’s a love conga line. The only person getting in the way of ‘Newtina’ is Newt. Instagram is even worse. By worse, I mean horrible beyond belief. The better comments are the ones are the ones merely (though still grossly) comparing her to Tina and how much they dislike her, the other ones are wishes that she’ll get killed or join Grindelwald. It’s literally not even hidden the fact they wish either of these things happen so Newtina can happen faster. I’m not a Newtina shipper at all (Yet. Again, this might change if the films improve) but this would be one of the worst ways to further your ship. That is literally not going to change the fact that Newt’s still in love with her (you can have feelings for two people at the same time. The filmmakers confirmed - in fact, one of the first things about the new movie that they confirmed - that Newt is ‘absolutely still in love with her’), it just makes her conveniently unattainable. I do have a feeling that Leta might die and if it happens, it better not be because she’s unwillingly in the way of a ‘love triangle’ that people have forced these three characters into. If Newtina is going to happen in a way that isn’t awful, rushed and horrible, it will be slow-burn and it’s in own time AFTER Newt has healed and properly fixed things with Leta. You can’t be best friends and in love with someone for 15+ years and fall out of love with them immediately after they die, turn bad and settle for a woman you met for like two days and collectively spent maybe ten hours with. It might be a Ron/Hermione situation where it’s slow and eventual. That’s the only way I could possibly get on board and I think it could be done tastefully if they don’t resort to lazy writing. I do have my fingers crossed I’ll start to like the Goldsteins before this happens and I can enjoy it as much as everyone else does.

To be honest, after seeing the trailers, I see only two endings for Leta (and I hate them BOTH):

She joins Grindelwald: If this is the plot twist, it’s the shittiest plot twist ever. Pretty much 90% of the fans since seeing the first film have assumed/liked to believe she’s pure evil. Probably the characters themselves all assume she’s evil from her last name. I was worried the whole ‘haha, I was on Grindelwald’s side all along!’ situation was going to happen. We know JK hates Slytherins. My ‘Leta joins Grindelwald’ theory would be that she has always been on the good side – or trying to be – and after YEARS of oppression and discrimination and being distrusted by maybe the central characters in this film no matter how hard she tries AND maybe finally realising that Newt isn’t going to ever forgive her she just snaps and goes all ‘f*ck you guys then’ (I wouldn’t blame her tbh). HOWEVER, I doubt this. In a trailer, you literally see Leta THROW a fucking spell STANDING BY HERSELF (what u doin bby?) at Grindelwald. Trust me, if this was Tina it would have been all everyone was talking about but of course the fandom was all ‘yeah, see, she’s in the same frame as Grindelwald SHE’S EVIL’. One of the trailers is literally titled Leta vs. Grindelwald. Everything in the trailers/promos points to Queenie joining Grindelwald but *shrugs, I guess*.

Leta dies: I get this may seem the preferable way to appease the Leta haters and the Leta lovers especially if she dies after redeeming herself or heroically or whatever but urgh, no. I know everyone’s like ‘DoNt MAKe ThIS AbOUT RaCe’ when the woc character inevitably is killed but I’m sorry. To have been able to sit in a theatre as a little girl and see Leta Lestrange in the wizarding world would have blown my tiny mind. Honestly, as an older teen seeing Zoe Kravitz in that little photo frame in Newt’s case in the first film was iconic enough for me. After growing up being made to believe I was ‘unattractive’ because of how I looked, seeing total dreamboats like Callum Turner and Eddie Redmayne’s characters being all heart-eyes over Leta is, like...wow!  And I do have an uncomfortable truth for people who want Leta to die. That would possibly be the WORST thing to happen for the Newtina thing (would pretty much be the last nail in the coffin for me ever coming around to it). I’ve seen it happen in my family when someone you love dies. Your feelings for them essentially FREEZE. You can’t fall out of love with someone who is dead. That’s of course not to say that you don’t love again and just as much as the first time. But it takes time (LOTS of it) and there’s a little part of your heart that’s like…permanently sealed off. I don’t even like Newtina yet and I’m hoping for the sake of the Newtina fans that Leta doesn’t die because freakin’ yikes. Just let them heal and connect and be besties again goddammit, its POSSIBLE (and bet your ass I’ll write it my god damn self to prove it if they don’t). 

I know these are highly unpopular opinions and I HOPE that I am wrong, and they do her character justice and don’t discard her via death or the dark side.

In summary, I suppose my biggest struggle with Leta’s character is definitely the overwhelming fandom hate which I still can’t quite comprehend. I really want to believe it isn’t a race thing. Though, I have seen horrible posts about Leta, mean comments on nearly every Leta promo, Zoe Kravitz literally being called a c*nt in the comments of a Leta post on tumblr, a lot of fanfictions having her be primarily evil, selfish, manipulative, in some a rapist even, ugly, cruel, etc. But honestly, she’s literally not interfering in Newt having a relationship with anyone at all??? She’s literally been villainised because her friend can’t get over her (getting Snily nostalgia). But buggered if I’ve been able to find next to anything of that calibre about Jacob’s fiancée (literally a Queenie doppelganger) who left him, like, the day he met Queenie. I get that it was a deleted scene for those non-hardcore fans, but Leta-hate was literally kicked off by a picture in a photo frame and a comment made by a, in my opinion, kind of not-nearly-as-infallible-as-people-think character that barely knows Newt breaking into his head non-consensually (after being repeatedly told not to) who had an agenda to hook him up with her sister. Sooo…*shrugs*.

Even I personally have tried to keep out of the fandom debates, but I wrote a Leta and Newt story (still ongoing) that I stopped for a while because the kind of disgusting comments I was receiving about people hating the pairing. Which, I get. You don’t like a pairing, that’s cool? Why are you going and seeking out a piece about them and then taking the time to leave a comment? Whenever I start to read a story about Leta being this horrific monster of a person and being torn apart and compared and occasionally borderline racist, I just…click out? I know it’s only a small patch of weeds in what is likely a garden of roses, but I have never come across such an insecure fandom for a literal canon ship. If the relationship was that pure and strong, you wouldn’t feel the need to kill or villainise the (non-existent) ‘threat’. I just hope the writers feel the same way. You can write healthy closures and strong women of colour characters without casting them aside for plot development/man pain/stereotypical Caucasian romance/plot device, etc... I’m going to go into the theatre at the end of the week slightly optimistic to be fair but I’m also fully expecting to be disappointed but honestly, Leta could avada kedavra every character and she’s still going to be my favourite, I don’t make the rules. 

[roadkillfuneral]

if connor never found the letter

No Letter AU a.k.a. connor and Evan were set up to be a perfect gay love story

-The story is the same up until the moment after Connor signs Evan’s cast. He doesn’t find the letter and leaves the computer room, already forgetting the nervous boy he just encountered

-Evan goes home and his mom sees Connor’s name on his cast bigger than life itself and invites him over for dinner. Connor never has a chance to even think about his previous plans that night

-As soon as Heidi leaves them alone they begin bonding over overbearing mothers and, soon after, shared disdain towards their fathers, and they’re attached to each other before they even realize

-Sometimes due to Evan’s mother, but more on their own, the two start to hang out. They goof around, talk about books they like and Connor shows Evan loud music and Evan shows Connor… support.

-At some point Evan notices the marks on Connor’s arms and asks about them, completely innocently. Connor lashes out of course, defensive as all get out because it’s not Evan’s business, it’s not anyone’s business, he doesn’t have to talk about it with anyone, it doesn’t matter he’s fine

-And Evan drops it because he’s confused but also because he wants to respect Connor’s wishes

-Connor sees that and not too much time later, he finds himself confiding in Evan, telling him about them, what he’s done, how long he’d been clean, but it doesn’t really matter, he’s fine. And Evan, touched, tells how he’d broke his arm. The real story.

-And then there’s a moment where they both have never felt less alone.

it doesnt end there though

-the friendship progresses pretty much perfectly. Connor’s parents love polite little Evan, and Heidi, at first, is just glad that Evan has a friend, but then she sees some of her lost teenage self in Connor and finds that Connor is actually a funny kid???

-Heidi and Connor totally playfully gang up on Evan “sh hon the grownups are talking” they sip their tea in unison  omg give me heidi and connor cute friendship

-By now Evan is coming to Connor’s house whenever Connor isn’t at his and his crush on Zoe is ever persistent. And one day he makes a fool of himself, trips or chokes and eventually Connor is just like dude. what’s going on.

-so Evan comes clean, all blushy and dumb and gushing, but apologizing all the while because she’s your sister I’m sorry but gosh have you seen her smile? sorry but wow

-then Connor feels it. the tug in his chest and the burning of emotions he thinks are gone, thinks he couldn’t possibly feel anymore

-Connor has always known. He was lucky to grow up in this generation where he sees men holding hands on the sidewalks and it’s been a couple years since gay marriage was legalized. He knows this and he’s long since accepted it, though he’s never been with anyone cos everyone fucking sucks have you met people? they’re gross

-But Evan. He’s sweet and understands Connor and when he laughs- not that awkward laugh, but a real laugh that’s hard and deep- Connor’s heart stammers.

-he feels it even before that moment but he only begins to really comprehend his feelings when he’s jealous

-He manages to ignore it until one day when he asks Evan if he wants to smoke weed with him

-Evan trusts Connor fully and he’s curious and Connor always seems so laid back when he does it

-So he agrees, even if he’s a little skeptical 

-He’s an anxious mess at first and coughs his lungs up and Connor has to light the pipe for him because Evan’s hands are shaking so bad and Connor was just planning on giving him a few hits, making him chill, but Evan takes a few too many drags and he is stoned

-At first Evan is just giggling and rambling and fluttering his hands and he seems fine and Connor thinks its fine so he smokes a little more, feels a little lighter, a little more high

-To this day he doesn’t know who started it. All he remembers is touching Evan’s hands and Evan touching his hair and counting Evan’s eyelashes and then they were kissing 

-Connor has kissed a couple people before, usually pecks and things like that, and he assumed Evan has never kissed anyone before but it feels perfect, it feels like finally

-They’re pretty much making out by the time Evan pulls away, his eyes wide and scared and no longer high. Connor wants to kiss him again but he looks so scared. It’s a silent moment before Evan runs out silently  

-Evan knows he’s not gay. Connor knows he is. Connor knows what he wants. Evan does not. 

-he knows that he’s been admiring Connor, sure. He likes how tall he is and his black nail polish and how when he’s angry (even though he’s almost always angry) his eyebrows pucker but his bad moods make him look likes hes glowing when he smiles or laughs and…. that doesn’t make him gay, does it?

-So naturally he goes to his mother. 

-And he’s like so. asking for a friend. what should you do if your friend of the same sex kisses you (even though he thinks he might have initiated it) and you kinda like it and might wanna do it more

-Heidi freaks out she’s all oh you and connor would be so cute oh what a sweet boy your cousin lindy can flower girl at the wedding 

-Connor is all mom no for a friend

-Heidi smiles and agrees to play along, tells Evan, all wise and mom-like, that if he really likes Connor then he needs to tell him and see how Connor feels and talk out where they should go from there. 

-Evan is scared to death. He likes Connor so much (in what way he doesnt know) and he’s pretty much his only friend and he’s so scared of ruining this but he goes anyways 

-There’s a lot of stuttering and flushing on Evan’s part and mumbling and avoiding gazes on Connor’s part but they both admit to the feelings they have that are definitely not Straight and by the time theyre done they’re kissing again, simultaneously relishing in the fact that it feels much better sober and knowing where they stand 

bonus content

-connor’s long noodle ass limbs getting in the way of everything. when they cuddle its a jumble of connor’s ligaments and evan in a ball watching as his beanpole of a boyfriend tries to adjust 

-oh and cuddling? these two are a fucking mess

-it starts off the most awkward thing ever as i said connor can’t adjust himself and evan doesnt know where to put his hands but they are both very touch starved but they dont give up they keep trying and eventually connor knows just how to curl himself around evan so he can kiss his forehead and whisper in his ear and evan still can touch connor’s hair and snuggle his face into his tiddies chest 

-connor denies that he likes it even a little bit even though he’s the one that initiated it, the nerd

-possessive connor. bruh. 

-once he gets evan he refuses to let him go. if he sees alana even look at evan for too long he feels the need to take that moment to grab his hand (if he isn’t already holding it) or to kiss him or grab his ass whatever connor is possessive but pretty harmlessly. he knows evan likes him and only him but still. 

-evan can also get jealous at times, though his is much more lowkey. if someone flirts with connor he wont speak up, but he’ll feel the need to tell connor how much he likes him and cherishes him. connor understands. 

-weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed

-stop that ‘evan makes connor stop smoking’ bullshit. im here for evan becoming a borderline stoner because it helps with the anxiety. he might evan smoke more than connor. maybe he likes edibles more but im totally here for connor and evan shotgunning because homies share hits

-speaking of evan’s anxiety

-connor is annoyed with it at first tbh. evan’s nervousness and awkwardness grates on him but then he’s okay with it and then he finds it cute and then he loves him for it

-who says i love you first? ohoho boy

-i have way too many headcanons for this but my favorite is that they’re hanging out, probably smoking, def telling jokes and swapping little kisses and they’re laughing and evan just kinda says it

-connor’s mother doesn’t even tell him she loves him that much anymore. she kinda gave up when he started taking out his anger on everyone including her and when evan says it, connor stutters it back, but he says it, and dives down to kiss evan again but honestly no kiss could convey how happy he feels. evan says it many more times that night. 

-zoe doesn’t get it tbh

-first this anxious weirdo comes into her house and is looking at her weirdly and then he’s looking at her brother and her brother is looking back and she hears laughing coming from connor’s room it’s weird but hey at least he isn’t acting crazy anymore

-then one night she hears a car come up the driveway at like 11 at night and she goes to her window to see who in fresh hell it is, forgetting that connor has gone to evan’s for the afternoon

-she sees the two get out of the car and go to the door. they chat a little bit and connor is smiling and their faces are weirdly close and they stop and evan leans up on his toes and oh my god they’re making out on the porch

-she never mentions it but there’s at least a week or more where she can’t look at connor 

-if im being honest i see evan being ace but if he weren’t/still copulates with connor, im here for power bottom connor

-someone that wasn’t me mentioned evan still letting cynthia pay for his college but only if she gets connor therapy and i love it and i love evan getting connor to therapy and i love him getting therapy gwahh

i havent got anything else but um this au kills me daily hope u like it adios

[wolfbunsart]

Im gonna ramble on for a bit, so gonna put this under a Read More.

TL/DR: I find it real hard to find any time to draw recently, and Id like to apologize to all the people who support me, either through social media, Patreon or commissions, for not putting out enough content. Ill try to change that, and put out more furry stuff on your timelines and dashes.

I have not been putting out as enough content as I would like to. That wouldnt usually matter to most people, “oh ill just draw when i get the chance”, “well at least its just a hobby so it doesnt matter if i dont do it” and all that.

However, now I feel a certain sense of responsibility. Earlier this year I launched my Patreon so that if people wanted to support me with any ammount they wanted each month, they could, while I could repay their kindness with temporarily exclusive art. I also made it so that it would keep me motivated to keep drawing more, specially by making polls for patreon supporters for getting feedback on who or what should I draw next. 

Thats why I didnt put any specific reward tier for it other than “$1 a month for all exclusive content”, so that if anyone wanted to pitch in they could. I considered making more tiers further down the line once I got used to working on it or enough people seemed interested. However things started going downwards from there.

I launched my Patreon on January, a few weeks before the end of winter break. I fooled myself thinking Id have enough time to put out rewards on a decent schedule because the very first picture I did, I did in one night. I was probably just motivated cause I had been drawing a lot around that time, but I did it quickly, and in my opinion it was very good, so its not like I was sacrificing quality over doing it quickly. So I thought “hell yeah I can do this” and launched the Patreon.

However I eventually had to go back to school. Im a college student, and Im getting close to finishing my way through college (currently on my 8th out of 9 semesters), which means I keep getting busier and busier doing school work, attending classes, working on projects, and everything in between. Add all that to the housework I gotta do in the room I rent, plus all the traveling I have to do when visiting my parents, and that leaves me with almost no time for art.

Now you may think “ok but you gotta have SOME free time. Yes, but after all the stress and all the stuff I have to deal with its really hard to just come home and be like “now I feel like I could draw for several hours!”. Most of the time I just nap because Im so physically or emotionally exhausted, or just take some time to play videogames to de-stress. Heck, even during spring break I was like “hell yeah Im gonna have a full week to get caught up on my art” and my computer started having issues that i spent more than half of the week fixing.

So I feel like Im letting my Patreons down. Having long periods without time to draw was always a possibility I considered, but since its pretty much “donate what you want” I didnt worry too much about it, cause its not like Im asking for $10 out of everyone and not delivering on anything. However since the Patreon had enough success I was really happy with all the support, Id just check Patreon all the time and be amazed and happy at how much people wanted to support me for drawing dumb hunky animals.

That all changed though. Because Im not putting out art, people have been removing their pledges. Which is like, SUPER undestandable. Youre not gonna pay me for not doing anything. But like, its been so many, it really kicks off my anxiety. Now I cant check Patreon unless I have to, because doing so makes me legitimately super anxious.

The thing is its not only Patreon. Ive been taking sketchmmissions, which means Ive had some long overdue things to draw for people, and I feel a bit of a “need” to put out Shark Dude and other free content as well. Heck, most of the time I just look at other peoples art and I feel really disappointed that I havent had time to draw and it makes me pretty sad. 

Even when I do have free time for art, its a bit of a struggle: I have to choose what to prioritize, do I draw something for the Patreon cause I had no rewards this month? Or do I draw something for the commissioner who is paying more for just the one picture? Or do I draw something quick and free, that most people will enjoy, but also Im not working on the things that people actually give me money for?

So, this is an official apology to everyone.

To my Patreons, Im so sorry if Ive made you feel like youre wasting your money. I gotta find some way to fix up a schedule, or change the way of how I deal with the rewards. Maybe post more sketches instead of just finished pictures? Do the Image Pack thing? I dunno, Ill figure something out.

To my Commissioners, Ill get to your commissions as soon as I can, and Ill try to deliver something worth your wait. For anyone who wants to commission me in the future though, I might cut down on opening commissions until I can have more free time. Like, only open them until summer break and that kind of stuff. I originally wanted to do at LEAST 5 sketchmmissions a month this year, but boy that aint happening huh.

To everyone else, who may support me with retweets, reblogs, sharing, likes, comments, replies, and everything in between, Ill try to get more content done in general. Commissions is a thing you guys can enjoy when Im done with that, but patreon exclusives are different. I wanted to share Patreon stuff as soon as like 2 months after but since Im not making enough rewards I wanna keep them exclusive for a bit longer to justify the lack of exclusives. Ill try to make more Shark Dude stuff as well too.

But above all of that, to every one of you: Thank you, for putting up with me, and enjoying my art.

[svetlanabelikova]

Journaling (III)

content warning:

bodily functions

food talk

i shit in a bucket.

i know that was almost a week ago at this point but it has been a rough week. im going to go through it as best i can from memory. i think my last post was about a week ago and i was dreading the ‘shit in a bucket’ moment of my life which-- did not disappoint. it was just as bad as i thought it would be. 

monday: i set my alarm for about 6am with the intention of getting up and wondering around the house until my body was like ‘aye mate, the time is upon us.’ but instead i just ran around the house trying to get myself and the kids ready for school-- which turned out to be a good thing as it turns out, when it comes to shitting in a bucket, there are some rules you gotta follow. the principle one being that you have about an hour from toilet seat to dropping it into the hands of some lab assistant. we usually leave the house at about 7:20am or so, get the older two kids to their school before 7:40am, then take the youngest to her school by 8am, so i would then need to book it across town to the medical center, jaunt up to the lab and drop off the specimen. it was going to be a fairly tight schedule but you really can’t-- well, i can’t, produce on queue and with the chaos of the kids and everything... it just didn’t happen. but it turned out to be a good thing as my stupid-ass brother took out the truck the night before, literally ran it dry and left it outside on empty. so my mom had no choice but to use her tiny car which didn’t have space for me and three kids in car seats. so they left, i was able to be alone in my thoughts and then the moment came. i-- i am sure that i looked like a totally insane person. i had a lot of anxiety, i was just pacing around the room hyping myself up. it was a lot of ‘look, this is something that, while you’ve never done anything like it before, it will be a fun story to tell. you never pissed in a cup before either-- but you just did that on friday. you’ve never told everyone on the internet your weight and yet you did that too! this is nothing. you just gotta walk into the bathroom and just do it! this is something that you really want! if you want to be successful in this program you gotta deal with all the weird shit they throw at you! come on, get in there champ!’ it was not a pretty picture and i did not believe my own lies.  eventually the dark deed was done. i got to use my super advanced, medically sterile cup and popsicle stick. sealed it in a sterile bag, put that bag inside another bag with my name, the time and date on it, then waited for my mom to get back so she could drive me over to the lab. at the lab, i stood around for almost 20 minutes just waiting for someone to come out and tell me what i was supposed to do. eventually, someone came out, got my sample, then i went with my mom grocery shopping. that ended up running a little late, so we got the littlest from pre-k, then decided to go get lump from kindergarten a little early. while my mom went in to sign him out, i got a call from the lab. apparently, someone used one of my samples for the wrong test. i kept trying to get more information but the woman just did not want to tell me over the phone. just kept saying the specimen needed to be recollected and the sooner, the better. my phone is at like 28% at this point and i still haven’t eaten anything yet. we take the kids home, i change clothes, get the kids calmed down then drive back over there absolutely furious that they somehow used an ENTIRE SAMPLE for the wrong test and scare shitless (pun intended) that i’m going to have to shit in another bucket.  i get over there, wait in the waiting room for like 40 minutes before the nurse will finally see me and then tells me they just need another vial of blood. i give them the vial and go home. at this point, i start to notice my ears are stuffy. the day before (sunday) i had noticed my throat was sore. but it was the first big wind storm of the season, there was a high pollen alert from my area so i was just trying to tell myself it was allergies-- add to that my hyperfocus on the whole ‘shitting in a bucket’ thing and i just didn’t want to realize that it was a headcold coming on-- and wouldn’t ya know it-- it was a headcold. and my white blood cell count in all my tests for this week are all high. so i’m probably going to have to take them again when i’m feeling better. so tuesday through today (friday) i have spent in an anti-histamine daze. take a pill, feel better for an hour, sleep for 3 hours, take another pill, repeat. today however, i got 2 different phone calls to set up appointments next week: an upper GI scan (which by the way and tone the lady who i talked to on the phone said “Oh those are so fun.” means it will most certainly be not fun at all so....) and a follow-up with rupinder to go over all, and there is no joke here, 20 test results from the last week or so. as i mentioned before, everything is high but not scary high. the only things scary high are my b1 levels (i take vitamins to boost those and i guess there is just a lot built up in my system. oops), insulin (like i mentioned, my body over produces the stuff) and white blood cells (cause i was getting sick). everything thing else is high due to a shitty diet and being so overweight and once i get that under control, i expect to see all those levels drop. all week i have been eating about half a cup of oatmeal and whole wheat toast for breakfast than either homemade soup and salad for my other meals. which i don’t mind at all! i was vegetarian for over 8 years. i love salads and veggie burgers, etc. it is just a combination of it being expensive and that shitty, cheap food is more available. like yes, i could have been adding only veggie burgers and salad stuff to my grocery list but when your not paying for your own food, you kind of take what you’re given. but now that i’m seeing the toll it is taking on my health and trying to wrangle in what’s going on in my body, i am going to be more conscious of what i’m eating overall. i’ve gotten used to avoiding dairy due to my lactose intolerance, and red meat/ high sugar foods due to my gallbladder issues, but not being cognizant of calorie count and sodium levels and total fat-- all the stuff i used to make fun of skinny white girls in yoga pants doing in the grocery isle. i have to be that girl-- minus the skinny part. and the yoga pants. but i do have to be the bitch in the cracker isle turning the box over and doing the math in my head, trying to add up to the magic number that will make me... better. healthier. i have a lot of deep-seated hatred and unbridled vitriol for the health and fitness lifestyle. it has been pushed upon me my entire life and i’ve always gone out of my way to try and avoid it as much as fucking possible and while i’m never going to be drinking whatever the hell kombucha is or doing px20 or whatever other health craze is going on, i am going to have to put some of that acidic anger on the backburner-- at least for now.