#imagine you’re just some guy and you see a giant robot kicking the shit out of the latest freak of nature that crawled out of the breach

[oasisofgalaxies]

Time to think about RTgame and giant robots

[illdesigns]

Kloktober Day 9

crossover or fave au

my favorite au featuring the most coveted ship - magnus/therapy

rated m, warnings for brief talks of canon typical violence, self harm

The office had a smell. That was the worst part. Not the pastel walls or the various ceramic kittens and cherubs or the pale yellow sofa that sagged as Magnus sat in it. It had an absolute perfume smell to it, like he had his face buried in a field of flowers at all times.

Well, it wasn’t the worst part. The worst part was a special kind of torture that most people were not privy to - the sound of mechanical fingers clicking a pen.

“You gotta talk for this to do anything, you know,” Magnus’ eye tracked the man behind the desk as he wheeled back and forth in his office chair. “C’mon, big guy. I know you got a lot going on in that head of yours. What’re you thinking about?”

“Leaving,” Magnus replied briskly. “So I can have a beer and pretend this didn’t happen.”

“You use alcohol like that a lot?” Twinkletits asked curiously, pausing his rolling but not the pen clicking. “To cope with things? You a heavy drinker?”

“No,” he snapped. (Translation: Yes.)

“When you drink, how many drinks do you have? Just one or two, five or more?” he wasn’t subtle in what he was asking. Which is why Magnus hated therapists. He had tried it, once or twice, even before everything in his life really went to shit. When he was just depressed about being in his early twenties because being in your early twenties fucking sucks. And there had been one afterwards but, well, she just didn’t work out either. Dropped him after the whole stabbing story. “Talk with me, Magnus. You’ve got a friend worried about you, you know.”

“I don’t have friends,” it was out of his mouth faster than he intended and he winced. Whatever. If that got back to Toki somehow, Magnus could sue right? Patient confidentiality, HIPAA or whatever? Twinkletits wrote something on the pad in his hand. “What are you writing?”

“Don’t worry about me. My job is to take notes about this stuff for future reference, you just talk. Why don’t you think you have friends? Toki cares about you a lot. He set this up for you, asked you to come down and see me. That’s a friend, right?” Twinkletits offered.

“Yeah,” Magnus spoke with a hint of guilt, looking at his hands. (Translation: Yeah, actually.)

He felt the urge to sneeze, covering his face with the crook of his elbow, rubbing his nose and sniffling. That fucking smell was still covering every surface of his nostrils and it was starting to give him a headache.

“What’s that smell?” he asked.

“Bless you. Lavender. Keeps people calm,” Twinkletits beamed at him. It was funny, because he felt the urge to bash his head into a wall the more he had to inhale it. Not very calming. “And speaking of calm…Toki told me some interesting stuff about you.”

No. No, no, no. Magnus looked up at him again and his eyebrows knit together in suspicion.

“Like?” he asked, knowing the answer.

“So, do you wanna tell me about what happened back in…” he checked his notes. “1999? Ol’ Nate mentioned it too. Feels like it’s important to bring up.”

“Oh, he tell you he did this?” Magnus gestured to his dead eye.

“He told me he did that after you, uh, you stabbed him. But yes, he did,” Twinkletits wrote another little note. Magnus could only imagine what the little dossier Dethklok has on him now will look like. But it’s easier to imagine Offdensen smirking as he reads it, easier to imagine a list of reasons why Toki shouldn’t hang around him laid out in front of him, easier to imagine all of his plans unraveling because he went along with this.

“He, uh…” Magnus paused. Even if he was going to lie about what happened (not that he would be believed by a guy on their payroll anyway) he wasn’t sure...what had happened. It was always a blur when he tried to remember the details - his thought process, why it happened. It was like he blinked and opened his eyes to Nathan beating the shit out of him. “Not much to say if he told you.”

“What about from your point of view?” he prodded, steepling his skinny robot fingers. Why did their therapist have robot arms, anyway? Magnus found that more interesting.

“I dunno, man. It just happened!” he was defensive already, arms crossed over his chest, leg crossed. Shut off. “Things just happen, you know? Like before then I’d have problems with getting mad really easy. People would like, call me stupid and I’d blow up on them or something bad would happen and I’d get depressed and cry it out then take it out on people. And they started to hate me for it, and I started getting worse than that. I see you writing, dude, what are you writing?”

“Just writing what you’re saying. Helps me keep track, okay? Nothing bad,” Twinkletits waved him on. “Go on.”

“I...well, I dunno. It just got worse. I was mad all the time. Thought about hurting myself a lot. Then I started doing that. Thought about hurting other people a lot after that, and then…” he shrugged his shoulders. “Then I did. And got kicked out and live in a little one room apartment while my old friends have this giant sprawling mansion and shit now, who cares.”

“Do you think about that still?” he picked his head up curiously. “Do you think about hurting yourself or others?”

Magnus paused for a moment and thought. Who didn’t think about hurting themselves? You know, just get so frustrated and filled with nervous energy you had to hit yourself in the head a few times? And there was the time before last that he had hung out with Toki, where Toki had sat and talked and talked and talked for too long and Magnus had imagined grabbing his hair and slamming his face into the table to shut him up.

His mind flashed to a basement in an abandoned building. Silver chains and a silver face, both hungrily waiting for their captive.

“No,” he said softly. “I’ve gotten better with that.”

Twinkletits smiled. Checked his clock.

“You know, I gotta wind this down today but...thank you for opening up! Doesn’t it feel nice?” he stood as Magnus did, breaking the distance quickly. He held out a hand to shake and Magnus found himself taking it. His grip was stronger than he expected but metal couldn’t be limp wristed, could it? “I appreciate you opening up at all. We can continue this next time you stop by to hang out, okay? Toki can fill me in so I can make space for you. Oh, before you go-o-o-o-”

He turned to grab something from his desk. A sticker sheet. Magnus frowned as he watched those mechanical fingers peel one off.

“I’m not in Kindergarten. I don’t need a gold star,” Magnus grunted as he felt Twinkletits’ hand on the lapel of his jacket.

“Oh, this isn’t a gold star, buddy! It’s something better,” he beamed up at him. “It’s a banana sticker. For a job well done! You obviously don’t open up easily and I’m sure all that’s a sore subject, so even the little bit we talked about was probably a big step for you!”

Magnus looked down. Well, it sure was a banana sticker. Okay. Seemed a little too gay for his taste but whatever. He was just going to peel it off and toss it the second he could anyway. Twinkletits gave him a wave when he departed and Magnus was stopped outside of the therapist’s office by all but running into Toki dead on.

“Hows it go?” he asked excitedly, then his eyes found it. “Ohhh, you gots a stickers already?! That’s goods, it took me forevers to get ones! Man I gots to do somethings specials as we hangs out today!”

“What?” Magnus raised his eyebrows in confusion as he spoke, looking down at it. It was just a goddamn sticker.

“It’s a big deals! Means you dids a good jobs. I’m prouds of you, pals!” Toki said, face lighting up and eyes crinkling as he looked at Magnus.

Proud. For a sticker? But, Magnus tried to really think of when the last time someone told him they were proud of him. Whatever. He’d take it. He let out a little grunt as Toki wrapped his arms around him in a crushing hug and that gave him more pause. His arms hung by his side limply, his chest and throat suddenly hurt and Magnus wracked his brains for the last time that someone had given him a hug, either. More than ten years ago probably, five figures huddled in front of a camera to commemorate some successful show or something.

So Magnus kept the sticker. So what? It wasn’t anyone’s business if he did or not. Or if he kept the others that he accumulated over the next few months. Or if he found it easier to keep his hair up in a bun at this point. He’d been growing it for years, he could keep it up now and then. Or if he did a few other things, like wear a shirt now and then, change up his style a little bit. And there was a tiny part of him that found it funny as fuck when Dethklok stared at him with a mix of confusion and horror as Toki drug him into the living room of Mordhaus, proudly talking about his brand new friend.

[victory-cookies]

we were fools to think that nothing could go wrong (chapter 3)

Milo woke up from a restless sleep with a jolt, the sound of screaming still ringing faintly in his ears. His heart raced and he was breathing unevenly, each inhale and exhale shallow and shaky. He couldn't bring himself to be more than barely cognizant of the large boulder that had smashed through his bedroom wall at some point in the night, leaving a sizable hole that let the chilly morning air in.

He closed his eyes again, trying to steady his breaths, before he sat up and forced himself to get out of bed.

"C'mon, Murphy, you gotta get going," he murmured groggily, fighting back a yawn.

Once he had climbed down the ladder to the floor (thankfully without incident), he turned his attention to the boulder and let out a small, tired sigh.

It was a bit of a distraction, at least.

"Hey Mom?" he called as he walked to grab clothes from his closet, skirting the near-car-sized rock now sat in the middle of his room.

"Yes?" came her voice faintly from downstairs.

He pulled out a button-up, slightly beat-up body armour, and shorts and began to change into them. "Boulder came through the wall last night!"

"I'll call insurance!" she replied. "Also, breakfast is on the table whenever you're ready!"

"I'll be down in a sec!" He pulled on a sweater vest and grabbed his backpack, which he had packed the night before. "Alright, first day back to school," he said to himself. "Let's make it incredible!"

***

He tried to ignore how his voice shook a little on the last syllable.

"Milo!" came a chorus of voices as he walked up to the bus stop, hands tightly gripping the straps of his backpack.

He grinned as he saw who it was. "Hey Melissa, hey Za— oof!" He was cut off as Melissa rushed to embrace him, lifting him off the ground.

She put him back down. "Thank god you're back! It was getting so boring around here without you."

"Yeah, I think I woulda died if I had to sit through one more history class without anything catching on fire." Zack added. "You feelin' better? You had it pretty rough there for a while."

Milo rubbed the back of his neck. "Yeah, I'm just a little tired. And my leg's still in a splint, of course, but at least I can walk without crutches now!"

"Oh yeah right, your leg! Didn't it break that when we got knocked out during the fight?" Melissa asked. She and Zack had been for a visit with Milo once while he was still in hospital care, but it had been cut short when a nurse had come in for a routine checkup and kicked them out. They hadn't exactly had time to discuss much beyond how Milo was out of his coma and how they all were glad that everyone was at least somewhat okay. Along with that, the fact that she was half-out when the whole leg-crushing event had transpired made Milo wonder if she had forgotten his leg had been broken entirely.

He assumed he was right, seeing her expression turn mildly embarrassed, as if she'd heard what she'd said and only then realized how it sounded.

He smiled softly at her. "Yeah. I was lucky that I only had my leg hit by that falling wall, unlike you two. That must've hurt."

"Yeah..." she replied, touching the back of her head and grimacing. "Good thing, too, because if you'd been out too we would have been screwed."

"Oh yeah, we heard about what you did, by the way, pulling us to safety after we got knocked out. Thanks for that, man. You... you definitely saved our lives there," Zack said. "And you did it with a broken leg."

"Eh, no biggie," replied Milo, laughing nervously, trying to push the resurfacing memories of the event as far out of his mind as possible. "All that matters is that you guys are fine."

"Dude, you saved us from some big-ass scary mechs while you had a broken leg! Don't sell yourself short," exclaimed Melissa. “If it weren’t for you, we would have been in some deep shit.”

Suddenly, a voice came from behind them. “If it weren’t for Milo, you wouldn’t have needed to be saved in the first place, you know.”

Melissa whirled around, glaring. “Shut your piehole, Bradley.”

Bradley leaned up against the bus stop signpost and shrugged. “I’m just saying, Milo's the whole reason stuff like that happens. Giant killer robots—"

"Mechs." Melissa corrected.

"—mechs, whatever, they don't just show up ready to go on a murderous rampage around normal people!" Bradley crossed his arms. "Half of downtown was destroyed, Melissa, and they're still cleaning up the robot—"

"Mech."

"Shut up. They're still cleaning up the robot carcasses and trying to find the bodies of people who died in the building collapses!"

Uncomfortably vivid flashes of memories from the battle were now rushing back to Milo, and he gulped. "Hey guys..." he said quietly, but he was cut off as Melissa took a step towards Bradley.

"So? None of that is Milo's fault!"

"Everything that could have gone wrong did, Melissa! Our city was invaded by robots from the future who, if I'm remembering their speech from the news correctly, were, oh right, looking for Milo!"

Melissa was beginning to look like she was going to scream. "Oh no, you do not get to blame Milo for this."

"Why not?"

"Because he's not responsible for anything that happened that day! In fact, he probably was the reason more people didn't get hurt! He's certainly the reason Zack and I aren't dead!"

"Guys?" said Milo again. "Could you stop?"

"Without him around there wouldn't have been people endangered in the first place! Him being there caused it!"

"Bradley, I will say this one last time: none of this is Milo's fault! He didn't hurt anyone!"

At that, Milo's face paled. He remembered Cavendish and Dakota's account of the post-battle destruction, remembered the mech he saw destroyed right in front of his own eyes, right after he'd hit it with a bolt of energy he still hadn't figured out how he'd created.

Oh, he definitely hurt some people. Maybe not the people Melissa was referring to, but still...

He wondered if he'd ever stop feeling nauseous whenever he re-remembered that fact.

Probably not.

"Well—"

"Will you two stop!?" Zack exclaimed suddenly. "Some of us don't want to hear it."

The two of them quieted and turned to face him.

He sighed. "Thank you." He then turned to Milo and placed a gentle hand on his arm. "You alright?"

Milo realized he was shaking a little. "Oh, yeah, I— I'm fine."

"Cool. Just take some deep breaths, okay?"

Milo nodded and did as he was told, slowly breathing in and out until he began to feel a little less shaky.

They all stood there in silence for a moment, Melissa still fuming, Zack maintaining a comforting hold on Milo's arm, Bradley repeatedly curling and uncurling his plant hand and sulking, until Chad eventually walked up to join them at the bus stop.

"Hey guys, what's going on?" he asked, breaking the silence.

Melissa sighed as the bus pulled up in front of them. "Shut up, Chad."

"What'd I say?"

***

The morning had been relatively uneventful, which Milo was grateful for, with only one thing in science class exploding when it wasn't supposed to. Sure, the blast knocked the mouse cage off the shelf and let the rodents free, but that was nothing that couldn't be easily dealt with. He could tell Melissa and Bradley were still mad at each other, as they had been intensely refusing to so much as make eye contact all class. He was also pretty sure he'd seen Melissa try to slam the safety goggle box closed on Bradley's hand.

As much as he appreciated her standing up for him, he felt a little bad, seeing as he was partially the reason the two of them were angry at each other. Plus, she'd been fuming all morning. That was never fun for anybody. Her fuming sessions were sparse but legendary, and he knew it would be a while before she'd even begin to consider making up with Bradley.

Cliche or not, he really just wished they could all get along.

He also knew from experience that having that safety goggle box slam closed on your hand really hurt. Even Bradley didn't deserve that.

Eventually, lunchtime rolled around, and he, Zack, and Melissa sat down at their regular table to eat. Milo rummaged around in his backpack for a second before pulling out his lunch bag, which was looking a little squished.

"Maybe next time I should pack the anchor nearer to the bottom," he mused to himself as he took his sandwich out of the bag. "Oh well, squished PB&J is just as good as regular PB&J."

"I'd even argue it's better," Zack commented, pulling out his own lunch. "It gives the sandwich character." He emphasized the last word with a quick, vaguely Italian gesture of his hand and a chef's kiss.

Milo laughed, and Melissa cracked a small smile before returning to her fuming.

They sat there, eating in silence for a few minutes after that, before Milo sighed and spoke up.

"Melissa, you don't have to keep being mad at Bradley. Sure, he said some not-so-nice things, but you know I'm used to that by now. Some people just don't get it, and that's okay."

She put down her sandwich and leaned her face against her hand. "I know, it's just—" she made a spluttering noise and waved her free hand around. "He's such a dick! None of that stuff was your fault! It's like he thinks that you control it or something, and then choose to let stuff go wrong! Which is so not true!"

"I know, Melissa."

"It's just— arrrrrgggh!" She pressed her face into her hands and muttered something that Milo couldn't hear but made Zack's eyes widen.

"I'm gonna pretend like I didn't hear you say that," he said, blinking incredulously. "Because holy crap."

"What'd she say?" asked Milo.

Zack shook his head. "I refuse to repeat any of those words." He then leaned as farback in his chair as he could, eyes darting around the room, obviously grasping to find something else they could talk about. "Sooo, uh, hmm... oh!” He leaned forward again. “Imagine if Milo really was able to control Murphy's Law, though! Wouldn't that be wild? It would be like a weird superpower!"

Milo felt like he was going to die, right then and there, but he forced a pained smile. "Yeah, imagine that..." He giggled nervously. "It would be pretty wild."

Melissa perked up. "Yeah, what if you could, like, shoot it all like—" She punched the air in front of her a few times, like she was blasting something. "—pew pew pew! And whatever it hit would get Murphy's Law'd, like with the mech suit you guys used on the pistachions but, like, smaller. And you wouldn't need the Flynn-Fletcher brothers for it." She grinned conspiratorially. "Maybe you could use it to give Bradley a little taste of his own bullshit theory!"

He didn't respond, unable to focus on the words, because for the second time that day, images of the battle with the mechs had begun to flood Milo's head, as hard as he tried to ignore them, only this time he couldn't help but imagine the consequences of hitting Bradley with a bolt of that energy too. Would he be crushed by a collapsing building? Flattened by a falling telephone pole? Would he spontaneously burst into flames?

Would he be hurt, just like every other person he'd hit that day?

"Ex-excuse me," he said, standing up abruptly and beginning to walk away from the table.

"Where're you going?" Zack called after him.

"Washroom," he lied, voice weak, as he hurried away.

By the time he reached his favourite obscured alcove under the back staircase, he could no longer keep the memories of the battle at bay. He leaned back against the wall for support, breaths quickening as the events played out in wicked clarity in his mind. He could see every blast at him and his friends, feel the panic as they were knocked unconscious and the helplessness that followed when he had to stop running and hide. And the last few moments of the battle? He got to see those play out with the knowledge of exactly what he was causing to happen in that moment.

Eventually the memories began to recede, but his heart rate only quickened as he realized he could still feel his hands buzzing uncomfortably. He slowly brought them up, heart dropping as he confirmed what he had feared: they were surrounded by that red glow, small sparks jumping off of them.

He began to feel panicky again. He hated being panicky, too. It made being able to swiftly respond to danger a lot more difficult. Ironically, that made him begin to panic even more. His heart clenched.

Then, without warning, he felt something akin to a static shock travel through him, and a burst of red sparks flew from his hands, a few of them striking things nearby while most of them hit the underside of the stairs above him. He watched one of them hit a light in the stairwell, and the cables attaching it to the ceiling broke with a loud snap, causing the fixture to immediately fall to the ground, knocking over a garbage can nearby and spilling its contents everywhere. Milo cringed, but his attention was quickly stolen by a loud cracking noise from above him. He looked up to see a large crack spreading through the underside of the staircase.

"Uh oh," he breathed, before diving out from under the stairs just as they began to give way. With a school-shaking rumble, the whole flight crumbled and fell to the ground below.

Milo pushed himself to his knees, staring at the rubble in front of him.

There was no denying it anymore. What he had done that day hadn't been a fluke, or a fear-induced hallucination.

That red energy stuff, that focused destruction? It came from him. And now, somehow, he'd unintentionally done it for a second time.

Watching the dust settle in front of him, with his still-tingling hands stuffed into his pockets and the memories of the battle still lingering in his mind, he became acutely aware of how much the idea that he might accidentally keep doing it again terrified him.

[makeela]

Top 12 Most Unfuckable Men In FFXIV (according to a lesbian)

(WARNING: This list contains spoilers up to 5.0)

12. Urianger Augurelt

Urianger is the least unfuckable man in Final Fantasy XIV. Mostly because, well - look at him. That’s the look of a man who has either fucked a lot or never once in his life, and we all saw Moenbryda. If Urianger told me he wanted to “smasheth mine pussy” I would have no choice but to accept, if only because it’d be an experience. There is nothing wrong with wanting to fuck Urianger.

11. Aymeric de Borel

Aymeric was originally in Urianger’s spot when I was thinking about this list, and the only reason he’s not is because he has definitely never fucked before in his life. So aggressively has he never fucked that when he was born, he had to come out via cesarean section, so that he might not have touched pussy even once. You would have to have a several year long committed relationship with him and it still wouldn’t happen until after his dumbass best friend gets possessed by a giant dragon and he’s trying real hard to stave off those Unholy Urges. It doesn’t work. This does not change the fact that, if I had to choose a man, I would be honored for Ser Aymeric de Borel to have a seat on my face.

10. Crystal Exarch

Haurchefant wants what the Crystal Exarch has: he’s smart, he’s cute, and his body is partially composed of rocks. All he wants is to go on an adventure with you, and maybe hold your hand. I feel like fucking the Crystal Exarch isn’t even sexual at this point, your emotional connection is just so deep that it’s only right to make him cry over and over. You’re being a good friend. You should fuck the Crystal Exarch.

9. Cid nan Garlond

I feel like Cid is the true neutral of this list. He’s funny, not objectively bad looking, loves to make shit for you and showers regularly. Unfortunately, he is not exceptionally memorable on a list of Male Characters I’d Be Interested In Maybe Fucking, If I Had To. I was almost done with this list before I even remembered that Cid is a major character, and not your best friend who you would never even consider fucking, just because that’s the kind of relationship you guys have. I would not fuck Cid, but not because there’s anything wrong with him; I just don’t want to fuck him. Sorry, Cid.

8. Gaius van Baelsar

Gaius van Baelsar definitely smells bad. He’s tried to kill you more than once, and two of those times was with a big robot that had god powers. However, like, just look at him. Imagine if he washed his hair. We all know how tall Alphinaud is, right? Look at how small he is by comparison. This is, in truth, the only reason he is in this spot and not one lower - he’s basically just a Metal Gear Solid character, which I am not mad about at all. I kind of wish Gaius was my father figure, and if, at some point, I ended up fucking him, I don’t think it would be the end of the world. I don’t think you should go out of your way to fuck Gaius van Baelsar, but if it happens, it happens, right?

7. Estinien Wyrmblood

I really wish I could justify ranking Estinien somewhere above Gaius. I really do. If I wasn’t trying to be at least semi-objective, he’d be right below Aymeric. He’s just so spiky. And Mean. And Sad. Unfortunately, I regret to inform you all and remind myself that there is no way that Estinien Wyrmblood does not, on a constant basis, smell like the inside of a Taco Bell, and I’m, like, at least 75% sure that he doesn’t know how to read. There also wouldn’t be much of a chase if you wanted to fuck Estinien, but unless he’s like, in love with you he’s also a very wham-bam-thank you ma’am kind of guy, and I’d be more into it if I got to braid his hair afterwards and gently reassure him that things were going to be okay. I wish I could recommend that you fuck Estinien, but I don’t think that’s the kind of physical comfort he needs right now.

6. Zenos yae Galvus

After Estinien I wasn’t sure who to put next, just because starting around here you get to Men I Am Neither Disgusted By Nor Benevolent Toward the concept of fucking, and I didn’t even think I had any of those until my friend, no hesitation, said “Zenos.” She is right. Zenos is pretty, he’s huge, he kills a lot of people and enjoys the job. This is a charm point for me. He also has absolutely no character traits otherwise so all he has is that he’s Pretty and Likes Murder. Talk to me again when he has depression and maybe we can re-evaluate.

5. Thancred Waters

Thancred and I have had a very tumultuous relationship. In ARR, he was alright. My opinion of him improved significantly in Heavensward, where he was just a long-haired eyepatched hobo who refused to revisit human civilization because he didn’t want to wear pants. In Shadowbringers, he just turned into a shitty dad, and I did not like that shit at all. They took his eyepatch and his ponytail and gave him Shitty Parenting Skills. If Thancred were my father figure, I would simply not speak to him. I could not be persuaded to fuck Thancred.

4. Magnai Oronir

I don’t need to explain this one.

3. Nabriales

I don’t think Nabriales is too much worse than, like, Lahabrea, in terms of fuckability - meaning that, if pressed, I would not choose to fuck either of them - but every time I get the Chrysalis in Trial Roulette half the party immediately drops. The Chrysalis isn’t even that hard, guys, just make sure someone limit breaks the tear. I love to MT the Chrysalis. As someone who consistently gets Thornmarch and Steps of Faith in Trials Roulette, I will kick the shit out of Nabriales any day. Just, not sexually. At all. Maybe a little bit if the off tank would turn off tank stance.

2. Hien Rijin

Hien is pretty cute. Unfortunately, he is also an imperialist, even though the MSQ doesn’t want to talk about that at all because he’s your buddy. Every single time I got a quest like “talk to Hien!” I would get so mad. I don’t want to talk to Hien. Every time I talk to Hien he just wants me to help him infringe on another race’s cultural events for his benefit. It wouldn’t even be a problem for me if it wasn’t encouraged and entirely uncriticized by the narrative. I don’t want to see or be seen by Hien.

1. Haurchefant Greystone

I didn’t play FFXIV for three years because I thought Haurchefant was a main character. Literally, for like, three years, many of my friends were like “Play FFXIV!” and I was like “no!” because I didn’t want to hear about Haurchefant more than I already had to. By the time I met him in MSQ, I was willing to give him a chance. I got it, at the beginning - he’s helpful, he’s complimentary. The problem is, that’s it. I think he sounds like Kif Kroker, and I think I would rather die than fuck him, which is saying a lot coming from me since I think most aliens are super sexy. After I knew Haurchefant for, like, two weeks, he invited me to come to his house and he was like “you have no idea how long I waited for this!” You waited two weeks, man. I understand that you live in an icy tundra and you’ve not felt the touch of another in years, because that’s the only way you could possibly be this horny by the time I stumble into your office, but Jesus Christ, dude. I wish I could be friends with Haurchefant, but I know this is simply not possible since he is so deeply horny that once the point was made the friendship could no longer recover. I am truly, deeply glad that I’ll never have to worry about having a Tinder date with Haurchefant go awry and he will never send me fifty texts asking for photos of my feet. Haurchefant is the most unfuckable man in Final Fantasy XIV. Sorry, Haurchefant. I wish things could be different.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

1. Nero tol Scaeva

Nero fucking sucks. I would probably fuck Nero. You should not fuck Nero.

2. Emet-Selch

I’m pretty sure that Emet-Selch wouldn’t even be DTF, at least not with the Warrior of Light. On the off chance that he was, though, I would definitely fuck Emet-Selch. I cannot see any good reasons why I shouldn’t fuck Emet-Selch. He is greasy, and old, and talks in riddles. This is extremely sexy to me. If these things are not extremely sexy to you, I don’t think you should fuck Emet-Selch.

[crushedbyhyperbole]

Disco Ball Diva

A/N: For @buckyshelves Merry Christmas, I hope you enjoy this and have a great festive holiday <3 

To @bucky-smiles​ for organising this secret Santa gift exchange, you’re awesome and so, so kind <3

Also... thank you to my friend Haz who beta read this for me.  You are always so supportive of my writing and I love you <3

Summary:  You’re inappropriate, sassy, have snazzy powers, and now you’re an Avenger-in-training.  Not everyone appreciates your blasé attitude, and when a surveillance mission goes south you’re thrown together with one hot brooding super soldier.  It doesn’t help that you can’t stop ogling his bum.

Pairing:  Bucky Barnes x Reader w/ powers

Word Count: 7k.  I actually feel bad that it’s so long.

Warnings:  Violence, gun violence, Bucky kills people, mentions of blood and injury, bad language (which is a given for me), some sexual tension (light) but mostly just reader is an asshat XD

The Avengers compound is not like you imagined it.  Or maybe it is but you haven’t found any of the secret stuff yet.  Hidden jet hangers under the basketball court, labs in the basement, glass cases full of superhero suits.  Wait.  That’s the freakin’ X-Men.

Still, it’s nothing like you hoped.  The conference rooms are boring, obviously, because meetings are the epitome of dull. The communal lounge and kitchen are both boring; there’s no espresso machine that doubles as a drone, no fridge that transforms into sentry bot, there isn’t even a SodaStream.  Yawn! You don’t even need to see the fitness suite to know that it’s not a place you want to visit, and you’re not allowed below the ground floor yet.  Talk about not trusting the noob.

Your room is a vision of extreme lacklustre, but you only moved in yesterday, so, no redecorating just yet, save for the peace lily your brother gave you.

Congrats on your new job and home by the way, here’s a half-dead plant I had but couldn’t be bothered to look after.  Now it’s yours.  Enjoy!

Your super power is definitely not green thumbs, nurturing life, healing, or anything even a tiny bit supportive.  You can’t fly, don’t have super strength, speed, or a crazy-good aim.  There’s not a green rage-monster just below the surface waiting to erupt and smash things.  Well, if someone steals your cookies you might have to choke a bitch but hey, rainbows are cool, right?  Super distracting, like oh hey, what’s all this shiny shit flashing around?  Oh dayum, I totally didn’t see that badass super warrior coming to kick my ass.

You swallow hard.  The small conference room feels like an interrogation room despite the polished wood table and plush leather chairs.  Of four sets of eyes that are currently watching you, only one pair is encouraging.

Tony Stark.  The guy who recruited you.  Took you from a life of selling hotdogs on street corners in the City and apartment sharing with a crazy cat lady called Angie who you found on Craigslist.  You had nothing against crazy cat ladies, per se, but you would prefer it if the pissy smell was optional.  Angie had opted in, hence why you jumped at the chance to opt out.  Ugh.

“Rainbows?”  The scowly but buff brunette with the dreamy blue eyes and robotic arm, scoffs mockingly.  “You project rainbows?”

The equally buff blonde who you suspect might be Captain America (or maybe his stunt double) snickers, his head lowered to hide his amusement.  Does Captain America have a stunt double, for like, TV appearances and meetings with officials, and stuff?  You’ll ask later.  Right now, you’re annoyed.

“Oh, I’m sorry, fist-of-victory!”  You snap your fingers like the queen you are.  “Am I too snazzy for you?  Do my rainbows ruin the whole Neanderthal vibe you got going on there?”

Loud snorts and chuckles pull you back.  The redheaded vixen you know already as Black Widow is pinching her nose to stifle her laughter, and Tony is looking to the heavens in askance but emotional stability is not forthcoming.

“Wow.”  The brunette says flatly.

“Fist of victory.” Tony ponders, eyes twinkling.  “I like that.”  He levels an amused gaze at you, rolling his next words around in his mouth.  “Manchurian candidate is a little out-dated, wouldn’t you say, Barnes? Ready for an upgrade?”

Oh shit!  Your eyes get big.  The brunette is none other than the infamous Winter Soldier.  You should have known by the arm.  Show no weakness!  Your brain screams.

“What’s the official title for that skill, you have?” Steve Rogers has gotten his face to cooperate, now there’s no trace of a smirk.  “Light manipulation?”  

“Walking disco ball.” You put on the light show again, manipulating the effects so the lights are dancing across the, now stormy grey, eyes of one Sergeant Barnes.

“It’s definitely distracting.”  Natasha says objectively.  “Could be useful.”

“See!  That’s what I said!”  You punch the air, sending the lights into a frenzy.

“I have a theory.” Tony is playing his cards close to his chest still.  “That’s why y/n is here.  She’s agreed to work with us, and at the very least she can be a supportive member of the team.”

“Team, frickin’, playahhh!”  You holler, earning a concerned look from Rogers and a downright obnoxious groan from Barnes.  “What?  What you complaining at?  You fucking love me already!”

The truth was that you didn’t know how your ability worked.  You could feel it when you did your thang, like the hairs on the back of your neck stood on end and the air in your hand felt stiff and substantial.

Better not talk about hands full of substantial stiff things around grandad Tony, he might kick the bucket.

You could manipulate the amount of reflections in your light show by making the air heavier, make them move, dance, even adjust the size of them a little.   Agreeing to work with The Avengers had been a no brainer; you get paid, get a place to stay that isn’t full of the stench of sadness and cat piss, and you get to find out more about your ability.  Win, win, win.

+++ A couple of weeks later +++

“You really expect me to take Rainbow Brite on this mission?”  Barnes has his arms crossed across his chest, refusal crinkling his brown and pursing his lips into a thin line.  The guy looks hot in tac gear.  One bicep straining against the material, the other is obviously free and oh-so-fucking-awesome.  Thighs tight under those black tac pants, thigh holster accenting the flex of muscle as he shifts his weight.  Wait-what!?

“Wait a fucking minute!”  You squawk.  “Rainbow Brite?  Oh, hell no!”  You march up to him, similarly decked out in black gear that makes you look like some tiny recruit in ill-fitting body armour instead of badass like him.

There’s a smirk on his perfect mouth now, dusky pink lips lop-sided with amusement, and the twinkle in his eyes is more than a little alluring.  What the fuck?

“Huh.”  You stop your tirade, blinking, baffled.  He’s playing with you.  Trying to get you pissed so you’ll refuse to go, or maybe he wants you to go so you’ll make a fool of yourself and Tony will see you’re not useful. Too many mind-games already, you don’t have the patience for this shit, so you go with an insult instead.  “If I’m Rainbow fucking Brite then that makes you Twink.  Dink!”

“Well, he does epitomise my sparkling personality.”  Sardonic, deadpan.  It’s classic brooding Barnes and you’re almost proud that he got an 80’s pop culture reference.  Almost.

“And they did rename him Mr fucking Glitters back in 2014.”  You pout, adopting his stance, arms crossed.

“Perfect!”  Tony pops m&ms into his mouth, turning away dismissively.  “Rainbow Brite and Mr Glitters it is.  Head to the carpool, there’s a vehicle waiting for you both.”

There was no getting away from this mission.  You’d grumbled, griped, whined, and begged Tony to send you with anyone but Broody Barnes but the Iron Man was true to his alter ego, he did not budge.

You are about to take a few pot shots at him in the insults department when Barnes’s voice comes over the earpiece you have already been fitted with.

“Earth to disco ball. Get in the damn car already.”

“It’s disco diva to you, giant cocksicle.”

He laughs at that and is still grinning when you slide into the passenger seat beside him.

“You’ve got some mouth on you, kid.”  Was that acceptance?  Admiration? Whatever it was it looked good on him.

“Yeah, you know you want my mouth.”  It sounded better in your head but now that it’s out it can’t be taken back.  Barnes looks a little frowny but at least he’s got nothing to say so you can quietly die in peace.

Can someone cringe so much they die?  You might find out.

The mission is surveillance.  Low-key observations of a facility out in Nova Scotia that makes products for iGoddess, a beauty company owned and run by Gabrielle Porter, the niece of one Alexander Pearce, crime syndicate king-pin and scumbag extraordinaire.

You know the company; you buy their stuff.  Well, you do now you can afford it and it’s not wasted under the scent of cat urine and bleach.  How can a company so devoted to making women feel special and empowered be mixed up with drugs, weapons and human trafficking?  Fucking bullshit, that’s what it is.

Bucky had ditched the car in the parking lot of a lake-side leisure and visitors centre about fifteen miles away, and with gaudy waterproof outerwear over your tac gear, you had begun the hike that would set you smack-bang in the middle of nowhere good.  Posing as hikers had been Tony’s brief but you’re cold and bored, and your body aches from being on the solid ground.

You’re both lay just behind the crest of a hill a little way away from your target building.  Bucky mutters his observations into his comms as you look through your own binoculars trying to see what he’s looking at.  He’s talking guard numbers and movements, the weapons they carry, security features and people entering or leaving the facility. It’s no use, you’re not cut out for this.  Surveillance is soul destroying.  You’d rather be interred in Tony’s kitchen, at least there’s coffee there.

Not even an hour in and you’re itching to get up and move around.  The hike had gotten your blood pumping but now you’re going stir-crazy, joints tingling with the need for motion.

Boring.  Boring.  But at least you can entertain yourself.  Where there’s light there’s beauty and you tease the air through your gloves, finding that your skin doesn’t need to be bare for you to create the effect.  Well whadd’ya know.

“There’s movement.” Bucky warns.  “Looks like some of the guards are exiting the compound.”

You snort, they’re probably bored too.

“A Jeep and a couple of motorbikes, moving quickly.”

“Sounds like they’re going home.”  You mumble, focused on the lights in your hand.

“They’re headed this way.” He curses.  “Grab your- What the HELL are you doing?”

Bucky tackles you to the ground from where you were on your knees almost at the hill’s crest.

“Asshole!”  You’re trying to get away from him but he pins you to the ground.

“I’m the asshole?” He complains as he rolls off you, sliding down the hill on his ass, shoving his gear unceremoniously into his backpack. “Mission compromised.”

“What happened?” Tony’s disembodied voice doesn’t sound happy.

“We were spotted.”  At the bottom of the hill, Bucky starts picking a path through the rocks and small fissures hidden by the wild grass and heathers. A quick glance back tells him you’re not following; you’re caught.

“Uh, hi, guys.”  You chuckle nervously as one of the guards levels an assault rifle at you.  “Would you believe we’re winners of a free weekend iGoddess Spa?”

Bucky is livid.  If it had just been him, he could have taken them out and escaped, but, no.  Tony had to insist that he bring you, show you the ropes, look after you.  Babysit you.

He snorts.  You don’t need a minder you need to be put in a padded room where you can’t inflict any more of your weird bullshit on him. Fucking rainbows.  What kind of skill is that, other than one that gets you caught?

Eight hours ago you were both doing great.  There’d been some small-talk in the car, he’d opened up a little and you’d responded. Even on the hike over you’d been great, your filthy mouth was a source of much amusement for him, and you’d listened. His instructions were followed close enough to the letter, and he was happy.  Everything was good.

Now it’s all fallen to shit and he’s locked up in a heavy-duty restraint chair that brings back memories of dark places and dark times for him.  To his side, you’re slumped forward in a regular wooden chair, cable-ties binding your wrists and ankles to the wood, pulling at your skin, making your hands and feet turn blue.  How the hell are you both supposed to get out of this?

He’s watching the movements of your chest that tell him you’re still breathing.  The cut on your head has stopped bleeding but you’re drooling blood-tainted saliva down your grey rash-guard.  Both of you had been stripped down to your undergarments and checked for hidden weapons.  He was the first to be incapacitated as they’d used you as leverage, holding a gun to your head until he complied, stripped, and submitted to the chair. When they’d took away your gear you’d fought and Bucky had seen red; he’d strained against the chair until the butt of a gun to the head had put a stop to that.  When he came to you were out cold, beaten and bloody.  How hard had you fought?

Your feet and hands are turning purple now.  The weight of your body pulling the restraints against your skin is making the plastic ties dig deep, cutting off the circulation.

“Y/n?”  Bucky hisses, hoping the noise doesn’t prompt the guards to come back.  “Y/n! Wake up!”

The room you’re in looks like an interview room.  Two-way mirror, camera in the corner, reinforced door with heavy-duty locks that were strangely not engaged.  It’s grey and cold, and the only things in the room are the two chairs and you two. The device Bucky is locked into is bolted into the floor; a permanent feature, like they expected him or maybe Steve. He tests the chair again.  It creaks but doesn’t give.  He’d have to really put some brute strength into it to break out, and that would create too much noise.  He’d wait.

“Y/n!”  A little louder now, and you stir.

He keeps talking to you, just bullshit words, what he wants for dinner, what film he’s going to watch when he’s home safe.  Anything to help draw you back to consciousness.

“You wana watch a film with me, y/n?”  He thought for sure you’d tell him to go fuck himself.

You moan, head lolling as you come back to him.

“Hey!  Rainbow Brite!”

“Fuck you.”  It’s a whisper but he’ll take it.

“There she is.”  He allows himself a relieved smile.  “C’mon, sweetheart.  I need you to sit up for me.  Take the weight off those ties before there’s any permanent damage.”

It takes a few more moments before you can shuffle yourself properly into the chair, then you’re flexing your hands and feet to get the blood moving again.

“Oh-god-it-hurts-so-fucking-bad!”  You are practically wailing as the pins and needles sensation in your extremities reaches a peak.  The slightest movement now sends a cacophony of intense pain into your limbs.

“It’ll be over soon.” Bucky sooths.

“Why are you being nice to me after I got us caught?”  You eye him suspiciously, flapping your hands to rush the blood into your fingers.  Rip the band aid off.  “Is this some kind of prank?  Ohhhhhhh!  This is an initiation isn’t it?  Oh, I see. Where’s Iron Doosh?  Hey!  Tony!”

“Would you shut up?  This is real.  We’re really captured.”  Bucky hisses.

“Tony Stank, Skank, Spah-hank.”  You sing-song as you struggle against your restraints, examining your bound feet through spread knees.  “I hope this is one of the chairs from his good dining set.”  You stand, leaning forward and centring your weight above your bent knees.

“What are you doing?”

“Just need to…”  You shuffle over to the mirror.

“No, y/n, wait!” Bucky begs.  “Don’t break the glass.”  His frantic expression says the rest.  Your feet are bare and you’ll shred yourself to ribbons.

“What?  You’re crazy.  Why would I do that?”  You chuckle, amused that he’s so worried.  “There’s no one in there.”  You wink at him.  “They’d be in here by now if there were.”

You shuffle a bit more and grunt as you throw yourself backward to the ground.  The chair cracks but doesn’t break.

“Fuck!”  You struggle some more, grunting and groaning like a butch female tennis player in a grand slam.  One of the arms loosens and you fight against the wood until you get your left hand free, then you’re reaching into your hair for a bobby pin to jam into the clasp of the cable tie on your right arm.

Moments later, you’re free and rushing to Bucky who is fighting against his own restraints. There’s sweat beading on his bare chest and his hair is sticking to his forehead.  A quick swipe of your hand clears his brow and he stills, watching you as you search the chair for whatever mechanism has him trapped.

“There’s a big red lever at the back.”  You muse. “You think it’s an ejector seat?” A cheeky wink.  “If I sit in your lap we can both go for a ride.”  You don’t have time for giggling and flirtation, but you do it anyway.

“Y/n.”  Bucky chastises lightly.

“What?  This is every girl’s wet dream.  Every, damn, girl.”  You mumble as you grip the handle.  “And I can’t even enjoy it.”

“Just pull the damn thing already.  We don’t have time to mess around.”

“Pity.”  You tug the lever and a loud hiss fills the room, pressure releasing from the chair.

Bucky is on his feet and at the door before you make three steps.  He’s rubbing his right forearm where the metal clamps had bitten into his flesh, there’s blood there too, long ago dried.

“There’s movement out there.”  He has his ear to the door.  “I need a weapon, we need our gear, and we need a vehicle.”

“I need some chocolate and bottle of wine.”

“What?”

“Are we not making a shopping list?”

Bucky rolls his eyes and grabs your wrist.  “C’mon.”

With the door cracked open, Bucky can see movement at the end of the corridor; there’s a security room which is promising for retrieving your gear, but not if you want to avoid being seen.

“Stay behind me.”  He pushes you towards his back.

You look down at his bum. “No problem.”  You sigh and then you’re moving, your hand on his bare back so you can feel where he’s moving next.

Bucky suddenly shoves you down into a squat, shushing you with a finger held against his lips.  The way he moves is like water, smooth and forceful, carrying the momentum of his body towards a lone guard who has paused at the corner by the security room.  How he hasn’t seen you is a miracle but the man doesn’t even hear Bucky until the his own knife is slipped from its sheath and into the his temple. There’s no sound, no gurgling, not even much blood.  Bucky lowers the body to the floor and cleans the knife on the pants of the dead man.

Looking at him now, you can see why people fear him.  His expression is cold, calculating, and focused.  It’s necessary, the distance he puts between himself and the act of killing.  Even when Bucky was him, there was always a distance; a gap between him and his orders.  Now the killing is his choice and he has to live with that, there’s no excuse of mind control now.  This is all him.

The security room has one guard inside who is overpowered moments after Bucky opens the door.

Fucking amateurs, you think.  Does that room not have cameras that cover the door and surrounding corridors?

Turns out that it does and the reason the guard hadn’t seen you was because he was sexting his girlfriend.

“Sexting?”

“Yeah.  Like sex role play and talking dirty over text.”  You snort.  “Jeez, you’re old.”

“What can I say? You’re broadening my horizons.” He winks then and it’s so out of place in this grim situation that you laugh nervously.  “Sounds fun.”

“Well don’t take tips from this guy.”  You wave his phone in the air loosely.  “He’s fucking terrible at it.”

“What’s bad about it?”

You’re not sure if he means to ask that, he’s busy trying to get outside communication through the phones which seem to be keycode protected and also checking through the security feeds to see if he can find your gear and a way out of this for you both; he’s clearly distracted.  At least he’s happy now that he has a pair of handguns and a pair of knives, no weapons for you because you haven’t completed your firearms training yet.  But let’s face it, who would arm you anyway?  You were a disaster waiting to happen.

“He’s a bit of a wham-bam-thankyou-ma’am kinda guy.”  You chuckle. Bucky is going to regret starting you off down this line of conversation.  “His poor woman has probably never experienced even mediocre sex with this schmuck if his sext skills are anything to go by.”

“Too eager to bury the bone?”  Bucky sounds distant, but he is listening to you as he checks drawers for weapons, keys and anything else that might be useful.  God knows your gear was nowhere to be found.

“Check it.”  You hop up on the desk near him and scroll through the laughable chat.  You feel slightly guilty reading this guy’s private shit but he’s dead so he isn’t going to care.  Reading from the chat, you do fake voices.  “So she’s like ‘hey baby, you free tonight?  I got something for you.’ Peach emoji, cat emoji.  And he’s like ‘you off your period? Can we bang?’  I mean, what the fuck dude?”

Bucky is smirking when you look at him.  “What did she say?”  He straps both thigh holsters to his almost naked body.  It’s comical how he’s gearing up from salvaged stuff wearing only a pair of skin-tight spandex shorts that leave nothing to the imagination. Once Bucky is packing (in more ways than one, now) you have to force your eyes elsewhere.

“’Yeah, baby! I missed you so bad.  Can’t wait to be in your arms again.’  She just wants lovin’ y’know?”  You spoke the line in a soft, breathy voice.  Fake, of course.

“And what did he say?” Bucky is checking the monitors one last time before he moves to the door.

“You like a bit of sexting? Huh, Barnes?”  You smirk, eying him mischievously.  “Living vicariously through the sexting chronicles of Captain Dick-Down over there?”

“Just looking to know what not to do if the opportunity for sexting ever arises.”  It’s light-hearted and completely unlike the grumpy Bucky you’re used to.  Maybe there was something in the air; sex pollen or something.  That’s totally a thing.  “C’mon.”  He says after a moment, eyes twinkling with mirth, soft lips pulling up to the side in a cute smile.  “Let’s get the hell out of here.”

It’s comedy gold, the pair of you running the halls of an apparently secret part of the factory, him in his tight little shorts and you in your panties and spandex t-shirt over a sports bra that makes your rack look like a uni-boob.  You awkwardly tug your rash-guard down over your ass whenever Bucky is behind you and you’re thankful you didn’t wear a thong though that would be better than skid marks.  God, you hoped you’d not shat yourself when they beat you.

You barely encounter anyone until you’re almost at the warehouse; Bucky is so stealthy that even with you hindering him, he only has to subdue one foreman and drag you into a cleaning supply closet once, to avoid a pair of patrolling guards.  Not that you’re complaining, being squashed up against an almost naked super soldier gave you endless thrills, even if he was all stiff and awkward about it.

Bucky stalls before the double doors that lead to the warehouse.  There’s a heavy plastic strip curtain over the exit too, it’s almost opaque with age and hinders your view of what is beyond the meshed safety-glass of the door’s small windows.

“They know we’re coming.” He whispers to you, mere inches away. “There’s a lot of them out there and I can’t keep you safe if you disobey orders.  So, please,” he begs, “please do as I tell you.”

He begs so sweetly, you think, blushing.  But you’re not one for passing an opportunity for inappropriate comments.

“I’ll be a good girl, Daddy.”  You bat your eyelashes, feigning innocent.  “Cross my heart and hope to die.”

“Really?”  Bucky doesn’t know whether to blush or be annoyed. You never seem to take anything seriously; it’s always a joke, or something you can twist to your amusement. He gets doubly serious.  “If you die, it’s on me.  You think I haven’t lost enough people over the course of my very long life?  You think I want to wash your blood off my skin later tonight?  Bury you alongside all the other people lost to some fight or other in the name of SHIELD or the Avengers?  I can’t save you if you don’t want to be saved.”

You watch him as he fervently tries to convey the dire nature of your situation, desperate to make you understand that he doesn’t want you to die here, he cares.  His eyes are piercing and your heart is a ricocheting bullet in your chest.  What if you don’t make it out ok?  What if this is it for you?  Both of you? Suddenly, you’re acutely aware that Bucky Barnes, Winter Soldier, Fist of HYDRA come Fist of Victory, has cleared himself a little spot in your fucked-up soul, and is there to stay. You don’t want him to get killed because of you, but there’s nothing you can do, you’re not trained for this, or at all really.

You nod once, not trusting your voice in that moment.  You could choke on your words or you could vomit all over yourself.  It’s a lottery, so you say nothing.

“Good girl.”  He gives your shoulders a reassuring squeeze. “Stay behind me.  Be quick, keep low, don’t hesitate, and for Christ’s sake no disco ball.”  There’s a small smile tempting the corners of his lips, like he’s saying he forgives you for getting you both into this mess.  “Ok, sweetheart, lets go.”

Out in the warehouse there’s a whole host of guards and workers, patrolling and overseeing shipments being loaded into lorries.  It look like it’s important, and probably why the majority of the facility is clear of security staff; the merchandise is being moved.

It’s a mad dash, crouching low as you ghost around the edge of the warehouse.  The huge rows of stacks are packed full of boxes and crates, further obscuring your movement around the area.  Bucky is silent, especially since he’s barefoot; he’s every bit the assassin he’s hyped to be, but you can’t take him seriously padding around almost naked with the top of his crack showing and his junk all jiggly in the front.

A radio crackles to life. Three personel down.  Prisoners have escaped.  Cameras last caught them headed your way.  

They must have found the bodies.

“They’re in here somewhere.” A man says, loud and authoritative. “Search the rows, shoot to kill. They’re not low-life mob goons, they’re Avengers and can’t be allowed to live.”

Well that settles that, you think, gone are the chances of mere bodily harm.  It’s death or death.

You watch in awe as Bucky scales a nearby stack to stalk one of the patrolling guards.  When his opportunity arises he yanks the man up by the throat, snapping his neck in the process.  You can’t help but admire that metal arm, so sleek and powerful.  You groan, light and lusty, earning you a concerned look from the owner of said appendage.

Killing that guard has yielded an assault rifle, another knife and another handgun.  You’d think Bucky would be too smart to arm you but apparently he’s not.  Silently he points to his eye and then to the gun where he shows you how to turn off the safety, puts the gun in your hand and moves behind you to adjust your grip. He aims for you, pressing his chest against your back and you swear you can feel his junk against your ass.  Once he’s satisfied that you aren’t going to injure yourself, he’s gone from behind you, crouching low at the end of the row.

He grabs another guard and drags him backward.  The struggle is louder than he would have liked, and the man got out a partial shout before his throat was closed forever but Bucky is hopeful that he can thin the numbers down enough to make it possible to get you into a truck and away safely.

Bucky shoves the newest body under the nearest stack and beckons you to him.  You both move like a two-carriage train, he’s the engine and you’re the caboose following in his wake.  He only leaves you to commit murder but you feel lost when he’s gone, cold even.  There’s something alluring about the way he uses his body and your mind drifts to other carnal things.

A hand on your shoulder makes you jump.  There’s more of a commotion going on in the warehouse now, not just the sounds of men moving goods and silently searching for two prisoners.  There are massive amounts of footfall, boots hitting the concrete at speed; bringing in reinforcements from outside.

Bucky is about to whisper in your ear when the squeal of a megaphone pierces the air; he stills with his lips almost touching your skin before pulling back with a frown.

“Sergeant Barnes?” Bucky knows that voice, he’d heard it for years, worked with it, even obeyed it on occasion.  “Save the girl.  Turn yourself in.”

You shake your head, panicked, urgent.  Don’t leave me, your eyes are saying.

A noise nearby draws Bucky’s attention and he suddenly forces you to the ground under a stack where he slots himself immediately after; the security team are searching for you, stealthily stalking the rows.  It’s cramped and dusty, the bottom shelf above you so close you can barely breathe without your back brushing the metal supports.  How Bucky fits is beyond you, the man is a beefcake, all bulk and magnificently defined muscle.  Thinking of him naked is the only thing that keeps you from succumbing to claustrophobia. Something brushes your hand and you jolt, eyes snapping to meet his.  He grasps your hand properly and gives it a reassuring squeeze.  In your chest, something gives.  Maybe your permafrost heart is thawing, maybe you’re about to have a stroke, maybe you really like him.

When the coast is clear, Bucky pulls you free and you emerge into a different row, one with fewer boxes, one you’ll likely be spotted in.  You can just see the massive doorway of the warehouse, double sliding doors like a hangar, several half loaded trucks and maybe forty men with body armour and guns.  One guy in the middle is wearing a full-face helmet with a white skull etched across the features.

“Holy shit!  Is that Punisher?”  You hiss before Bucky can clamp his hand over your mouth, the warning look on his face is stern as he leans in to you.

“Crossbones.”  He corrects you, barely audible despite the proximity.  You still don’t know who that is but he’s totally not as cool as the Punisher, so it doesn’t matter.

His hand is still over your mouth but there’s no point in struggling, you couldn’t break free of him even if you tried, so you push your tongue out and squirm it against his palm, making him recoil in disgust.  Your chuckle is silent and his frown turns to the ghost of a wry smile before his attention is fully back on the man he calls Crossbones.

Bucky is taciturn at the best of times but he’s in full diagnostic mode now, assessing the situation. His eyes flicker around the warehouse from yet another new position.  It seems like he’s trying to get you closer to the trucks but you suspect that’s what Crossbones expects.  There are more men closer to the trucks too and Bucky has already had to kill another two in the latest relocation.  The missing men haven’t gone unnoticed and Crossbones is issuing orders, plugging the gaps so you can’t escape.

“I will find you Barnes.” Crossbone’s voice sounds wet through the megaphone, like he’s salivating with excitement at the prospect of getting his hands on you both again.  “If you turn yourself in, maybe I’ll let the girl live.”

Bucky’s eyes are downcast, like he’s actually considering it, but the moment passes and Bucky’s resolve hardens.  He drags you away towards the end of the row.

“The end of this row has a direct line of sight to the exit.  I need a distraction.  Can you do that for me?”  He whispers.

You nod, lips set in determination.  “One disco ball distraction coming right up.”

“On my mark.”

The fluorescent strip lights overhead create more than enough light for you to use.  With your right hand flat against Bucky’s left shoulder blade and your left manipulating the air to create a huge show of dancing lights, you move in tandem.  Bucky steps out of hiding, keeping you just behind him with his metal arm, he surges forward squeezing off four shots.  The way his arm snaps to aim so quickly is astounding, like he has a targeting chip implanted in his brain.  Who knows, maybe he does.  Four men fall and remain still.  Another three shots, then another two and he’s pulling you into another row at a crouching run to the opposite end as he discards the empty gun and pulls out another. He’s saving the assault rifle for Crossbones.

“Again.”  He instructs gruffly.  “Can you get their eyes?”

“It’s not an exact science this, you know?”  You huff and he seems to know that you’re saying you’ll try your best.  Of course you’d try, but you don’t know much about your power, even after the few months you’d been training with the team.  If it meant you both got out of this alive, you’d flash your tits at the enemy for Christ’s sake.

You emerge again, him with the gun in his metal hand this time, stepping out with you at his back. This time they are ready for you and they start firing before Bucky gets off his first shots.  He makes a dash for a fork-lift with a huge pallet of crates sat at floor level.  He shoots his rounds in threes until the 9-round magazine is done.  The gun is discarded as you both slide behind the cover of the pallets.  Machine guns rattle, pummelling the crates with round after round.  Bucky prays the crates don’t contain munitions.

“I make fourteen down. Twenty-two left.”  His breathing smooth where your is ragged.  You curse yourself for being so unfit that even a tiny bit of stress and exertion leaves you heaving air like a couch potato made to climb stairs.  “Crossbones is a problem.”

“What do we do now?”

Bucky has two handguns, four knives and an assault rifle, you have one gun and your rainbows.  This isn’t going to go well, you think.

“You’re going to hide over there and watch the rear.”  He points to your left.

You smirk.  Now isn’t’ the time for joking.

“I’m going to thin the crowd some more and, if I can, take Crossbones out.”  He looks determined but ridiculous in his underpants, dusted with dirt and debris from the floor that’s stuck to the slightest bit of moisture on his skin.  “This might not work.  Run to the left, hide in the stacks again, stay down and don’t expose yourself.”

You nod and he readies himself to break cover.  The shooting has stopped now and it sounds like the guards are changing positions again. His muscles clench, coiling ready to spring.

“Wait!”  You stop him with a hand on his arm, the metal is unnervingly cool.  Tension builds.  “I wanna fuck you until you pass out.”

“Ummmm.”  Bucky blinks, eyebrows raised in surprise but he’s smiling.  “You’re serious?”

“Yeah, well, no, but, uhhhh.”  You splutter, this hadn’t gone well at all.  “I couldn’t let you go without telling you, you know, what Captain Dick Down said to his girl.  You asked, for future reference, and all.”

“Oh.  Right.”  He frowns, turning away again.  “Move when I do.”  He orders stiffly, preparing to move.

Well, shit!

“Bucky, wait.”  Your voice is softer this time, tears prickling your eyes.  There’s a chance that neither of you will make it through this and it’s suddenly hit you that there’s something missing.

“What now?”  He grumbles, turning to find you closer than he expected.

You surge forward, cupping his jaw in your hands as you capture his lips in a kiss that’s both urgent and needy.  You don’t care if he doesn’t respond, you need to feel this before it’s too late. All this tension between you, the jibes and snarky banter, it’s unresolved and sexual in nature.  You want him, and if this is all you can have then so be it.  One stolen moment before it all slips through your fingers, and you both go to your graves.

You’re already pulling back when he snaps back to attention, quickly pulling you back for another kiss. His tongue delicately touches between the seal of your lips and you sigh with longing.

“You ready?”  You pull away but he’s still clearing his head, trying to focus again.

On your feet you’re running out, pumping your legs as fast as you can, heading to the wrong place. Machine guns stutter to life and Bucky is on your heels a second later, fear contorting his features as he scoops you up in his metal arm and returns fire almost blindly.  He’s shielding your body with his own and yips like a wounded pup when the bullets find him.

On your knees beneath the curved shield of his back you see the enemy are far closer than you thought. Everything in you yelled stop and you felt the pressure rise through your body and out, cascading off you like a roiling storm.

The bullets stop but the guns are still firing, muffled by the thickness of the air.  Despite the pain in his lower back and hip, he turns to see what’s happening.  Bullets sluggishly pushing through the air like flies in syrup, all but stopped and slightly redirected on a path that will take them away from a central focal point that is you.  You’re doing this, shielding you both as if by some miracle, your power not only refracting the light causing rainbows but acting like a forcefield.

“As much as I have to break up this little party, I really can’t have you killing my friends.”  The voice of Tony Stark is heard a second before the Iron Man himself and several of his Iron Legion appear and shoot each and every remaining guard with a taser disc, stunning them into unconsciousness.

Crossbones is a different matter and is somehow resistant to the zapping he just got.  He levels a grenade launcher at the stacks near where you and Bucky are crouched and fires.  No air shield will save you from all of that falling metal, but Bucky is still fast despite his wounds.  There’s blood running down his leg in rivulets as he pulls you to safety, and shields you instinctively with his body once more while the sound of explosions and grinding metal fill the air.

“I did not know I could do that.”  You praise yourself.

“I still got shot.”

“It’s just a flesh wound.” You snort.  “Walk it off.”

“You’re a real ray of sunshine, you know that?”

“I must be something special if you took one in the ass for me.”  You wink.  “I hope it heals puckered, then you’ll have two rusty bullet holes.”

“STARK!”  He shouts but pulls you closer to him.  “Evac for one.  She’s walking hom-owwww!”  You pinch the skin on the inside of his thigh viciously enough that he shoves you out of his embrace.

You both stay close on the Quinjet home.  Bucky had been confused as to how Stark had known to mount a rescue mission but when you produced Captain Dick Down’s phone from your uni-boob bra it all became apparent. All of the comms in the facility had been locked down but that was a personal device, one that probably wasn’t allowed to be carried.  Good old Captain Dick Down.

The facility had been put to a far worse use than drugs and weapons trafficking.  iGoddess was a front for human trafficking and also human experimentation.  The restraint chair they had strapped Bucky into had been used to restrain test subjects; Alexander Pearce was trying to replicate the super serum that made Steve and Bucky what they were.

“So, this was a win for us.” Steve said in the debrief.  “Our intel was lacking but it worked out in the end.”

“Says you who didn’t get shot in the ass cheek.”  Bucky grumbled, shifting cautiously on the Mr Glitters cushion you’d given him as a joke.

“I got to see some wonderful scenery,” you grin brilliantly, “so I’m not complaining.”

There had been no further discussion about the kiss you and Bucky had shared when you thought you might die in that place, but that’s ok.  Your daily thrills are made up of making him squirm, and since you two had become closer since your ordeal, you have had several of moments like those.  There’s plenty of time and you’re prepared to play the long game, starting with your newest idea.  You pull out your phone and casually write a text while Steve is rambling on about seized research and assets.

[I’m so turned on right now].

Bonus add-on for this work:  Captain Dick Down - External link to AO3

Because apparently 7k words wasn’t enough and I just had to try my hand at a little text chat/social media piece.  It’s more of an embellishment.  Enjoy

And if you liked this story, why not try Good Ole Stuffing, a smutty follow on for the same reader/character.

[f4liveblogarchives]

Fantastic Four Vol 1 #182

Wed Aug 21 2019 [11:24 PM] Wack'd: Strap in because we've got seven straight issues of Len Wein [11:24 PM] Bocaj: The LenWeinening [11:26 PM] Wack'd: So when last we saw our heroes Counter-Reed, who is Reed from Counter-Earth, had stranded Reed, who is Counter-Reed from Earth, in the Negative Zone, and then Annihilus was like "hey we need to team up" so he and Reed teamed up against the Mad Thinker who is some kind of green lion now [11:26 PM] Wack'd: Also Sue is on to Counter-Reed so she and Alicia have teamed up to find a plan to counter Counter-Reed [11:27 PM] Wack'd: Also according to the letters page, which I neglected to mention, the Editor-in-Chief door with all the names crossed out? A real thing that hung on Archie Goodwin's door for a while. The more you knoooooooow [11:28 PM] Wack'd: Anyway Ben, Tigra, Thundra, Impossible Man, and Johnny come back with the hot robot from last issue and try to get Counter-Reed to figure out who's behind it [11:29 PM] maxwellelvis: That's "hot" as in wanted or possibly stolen [11:29 PM] maxwellelvis: they don't, like, find the robot physically attractive. [11:29 PM] Wack'd: No, that's "hot" as in "generates a fuckton of heat" [11:29 PM] maxwellelvis: Ahh [11:29 PM] Umbramatic: why not both [11:29 PM] Bocaj: Por que no- dammit [11:29 PM] Umbramatic: or all three [11:29 PM] Wack'd: But also it might've been stolen because last issue the government was demanding to hold onto it, so [11:30 PM] Wack'd: Anyway Counter-Reed covers for his inadequacies by ordering Thundra, Greer (trying to use given names), and Impy to go double-check the bank for clues. As they leave Greer is like "hey, did anyone else notice we don't work for him, what the fuck is going on" [11:31 PM] Wack'd: She also had suspected Counter-Reed is not Reed but is in fact Counter-Reed [11:31 PM] Wack'd: God I hate imposter plots [11:31 PM] Bocaj: This is a lot smarter than people tend to be in imposter plots [11:31 PM] Bocaj: Like three people already onto him [11:31 PM] Wack'd: True [11:32 PM] Wack'd: Anyway Counter-Reed then tells Johnny and Ben that actually he's positive the robot came from the Negative Zone and they should go check it out [11:33 PM] Wack'd: In what I think is the biggest sign Roy Thomas' attempt to rehabilitate Reed has gone horribly wrong, Ben immediately leaps to the conclusion Counter-Reed shooed out Thundra and Greer because he's a patriarchal git [11:33 PM] Wack'd: And didn't want to send them on a dangerous mission [11:34 PM] Wack'd: To Ben's credit, he's also noticed Counter-Reed incessantly watching the Negative Zone monitor, but thinks it's because he wants to rescue his doppleganger because he's such a nice guy [11:34 PM] KarkatTheDalek: Does Ben this that’s good or bad? [11:34 PM] Wack'd: He does not make a judgement call, only acknowledges it as a known facet of Reed's character [11:34 PM] KarkatTheDalek: Ah [11:34 PM] KarkatTheDalek: Neutral Guy Ben Grimm [11:35 PM] Wack'd: Anyway Agatha also kidnapped Franklin recently. Remember that? We have like fifteen plots going on right now [11:36 PM] Bocaj: I do remember [11:36 PM] Wack'd: So apparently Agatha needs Franklin's powers to deal with something otherworldly invading her home [11:36 PM] Bocaj: Sure [11:37 PM] Wack'd: Anyway Franklin is like "I won't let anyone hurt you, Auntie Agatha" which is usually the part where the adult would say something patronizing about how brave they're being [11:37 PM] Wack'd: But Agatha is like "yes, obviously, that's the entire reason you're here" [11:38 PM] Bocaj: Agatha Harkness has always been patronizing but in a different way [11:38 PM] Bocaj: She's older than everyone and knows everyone is dumber than she is [11:38 PM] maxwellelvis: In the same way Animated Madame Webb is [11:38 PM] Bocaj: Also sometimes she's a ghost. And everybody knows ghosts are jerks [11:38 PM] Wack'd: ONLY. TOONAMI.

[11:39 PM] maxwellelvis: You thought that sounded like a soundbyte they'd grab for one of those rad promos, eh? [11:39 PM] Bocaj: They had that one about not being intimidated that played all the time [11:39 PM] Bocaj: I don't even remember what show it was from [11:39 PM] Wack'd: The joke is "we won't be intimidated by criminal threats" from the Fleischer Superman cartoons [11:39 PM] maxwellelvis: Ahh [11:39 PM] Wack'd: That soundbyte far outlived those cartoons, duration-on-Toonami-wise [11:40 PM] Wack'd: Anyway Agatha tries to do a magic battle with these shadowy figures but one of them has a gun that when fired locks Agatha's hands in heavy metal gauntlets [11:41 PM] Wack'd: And by the time Sue and Agatha arrive to collect Franklin, whoever these shadowy figures are teleport away with Agatha and Franklin [11:41 PM] Wack'd: They kidnapped a kidnapping [11:41 PM] Wack'd: Some kind of kidnap turducken [11:41 PM] Bocaj: Guns that shoot handcuffs? [11:41 PM] Bocaj: Ridiculous [11:41 PM] Bocaj: Only arrows can shoot handcuffs [11:41 PM] Wack'd: Not just handcuffs, they're like--I really should screencap this [11:41 PM] Wack'd:

[11:42 PM] maxwellelvis: He has a MAGIC GUN! [11:42 PM] Wack'd: Where'd he purchase that [11:42 PM] maxwellelvis: (Where'd he - dammit [11:42 PM] Wack'd: Meanwhile! Ben and Johnny finally catch up with the rest of the plot [11:43 PM] Wack'd: See, back in issue 51, Reed designed a thing that was basically just a rope attached to a belt to tether folks to the...Positive Zone?...while they were in the Negative Zone [11:43 PM] Wack'd: But he nearly got stranded, decided they were too dangerous, and replaced them with a more Kirbyish full-body rig [11:44 PM] Wack'd: Ben and Johnny are well inside the Negative Zone by the time they realize haha, whoops! Reed strapped them into the early version [11:44 PM] maxwellelvis: "Roy's not the only one who can pull out ancient continuity, I'll show him!" -- Len Wein, probably [11:45 PM] Wack'd: So yeah, Ben and Johnny are about to turn back around and kick Counter-Reed's ass, but by miraculous coincidence, just as they figure out the plot, they find Reed and Annihilus [11:46 PM] Wack'd: Mad Thinker must've been thrilled when he found out he could possess a monster in the Negative Zone with his exact facial hair

[11:46 PM] Wack'd: I wonder if that's true for all Negative Zone beings. Maybe that's why Reed has a beard now [11:47 PM] maxwellelvis: You know, Kiko wasn't anywhere near as tall as his old man, technically speaking. [11:47 PM] maxwellelvis: I wonder if Ben's throwing that out there because Dino DeLaurentiis' King Kong had come out in the previous year. [11:48 PM] Wack'd: Probably [11:48 PM] maxwellelvis: Also, yes, "Kiko" is the name of the Son of Kong. [11:48 PM] Wack'd: So Reed, Johnny, Ben, and Annihilus beat a hasty retreat, and Ben and Johnny are like "hm, our Reed would never team up with Annihilus, maybe we were wrong" [11:48 PM] Wack'd: And then it turns out their tether cables have been cut [11:48 PM] Wack'd: Which settles the issue [11:50 PM] Wack'd: OKAY SO [11:50 PM] Wack'd: You wanna talk ancient continuity? [11:50 PM] Wack'd: This giant beast is not, in fact, a native of the Negative Zone, but one of Mad Thinker's robots that got chucked in there back in #69 and got mutated or something [11:51 PM] Wack'd: ...why did I think Mad Thinker had a beard?

[11:51 PM] Wack'd: Dude still dresses like a high school track coach, I remembered that much right [11:51 PM] Bocaj: He might look less ridiculous with a beard [11:51 PM] Wack'd: He might! [11:51 PM] Bocaj: His hair sure is a decision he made [11:51 PM] Bocaj: And continues to make [11:51 PM] maxwellelvis: He's still built like a high school track coach, too. [11:53 PM] Wack'd: I enjoy the fact that back when Buscema and Buckler were revising everyone's hair styles Mad Thinker wasn't around and so now he's stuck like this [11:54 PM] Wack'd: Back in...I'm just gonna keep calling it the Positive Zone until someone objects [11:54 PM] Wack'd: Back in the Positive Zone Sue tells Reed that their son has been double-abducted [11:54 PM] Wack'd: And he takes a long. Long time to figure out how he should react to that. [11:54 PM] Wack'd: So now the gig is officially up. Sue's worst fears are confirmed [11:55 PM] Wack'd: So Counter-Reed goes into Brute mode because now he has no choice but to kick Sue's ass [11:55 PM] Wack'd: He also calls her "the weakest member of the Fantastic Four" and you know whenever anyone says that with a straight face, and are not written by Stan Lee, a major ass-kicking is about to happen [11:56 PM] Bocaj: Look, Lincoln had a mom [11:56 PM] Bocaj: and therefore now slavery is illegal [11:56 PM] Wack'd: Right, yes [11:56 PM] Wack'd: ...oh goddammit [11:56 PM] Wack'd: So instead Counter-Reed kicks Sue's ass thoroughly and tosses her out the top-story window of the Baxter [11:56 PM] Bocaj: 😐 [11:57 PM] Wack'd: I forgot this was "Cripple the B****" Wein we were dealing with for a moment [11:57 PM] Bocaj: OH SHIT [11:57 PM] Bocaj: THATS WHERE I KNOW THE NAME FROM?? [11:57 PM] Wack'd: Yeeeeeeeeeeep [11:59 PM] Wack'd: In the letters page: someone tries to puzzle out what Ben is made of ("I miss when everyone assumed it was 'orange rocks'," moans Thomas); and apparently Len Wein plans to explain why there's not a much greater mass of cosmic-ray-powered superbeings now that space travel is business as usual [12:00 AM] Wack'd: Oh! And an ad for Ms Marvel's first ongoing. Exciting! [12:01 AM] Wack'd: Somehow I can't imagine Kamala Khan being hyped to wear this

[12:01 AM] Bocaj: Love Kamala [12:01 AM] Bocaj: Ew they changed her costume [12:02 AM] Bocaj: I took too long to type and now my joke misunderstanding your words is belated to oblivion [12:02 AM] Bocaj: "Never before has a FIGHTING FEMALE cpatured the imagination of the reading public so DRAMATICALLY" [12:02 AM] Bocaj: why are you like this, comics

[doomedandstoned]

Wasteland Coven Summon Doom From the Rust Belt

~Doomed & Stoned Debuts~

By Billy Goate

You're about to meet a true blue, dyed in the wool doom band from Ohio, which I discovered just a few weeks ago. This is WASTELAND COVEN, aptly named considering the industrial devastation that has visited the midwest, accentuated now even more in a time of pandemic. 'Ruined' (2020) is their debut EP and it features a singer, Susan Mitchel, that I would rank with Susie MacMullen of Brume and Dorthia Cottrell of Windhand. Sometimes vocalists try to pull off that coveted, full-bodied range, but end up sounding thin and wobbly. Not here.

Performing double duty on bass, Susan is joined in this Toledo crew by guitarists Bill Anderson and Brandon Collins, along with drummer Jason Wilcox. This is meat and potatoes doom, too, each of the three tracks on Ruined bearing the formative influences of Candlemass and Saint Vitus (the vocal cadence and guitar solos of "The Great Colossus"), Trouble and My Dying Bride (the mysterious and dramatic "Endless Night"), and the aforementioned Windhand (the riff laden intro to "Midsummer Days").

This mix of beauty and beast works well for Wasteland Coven. Susan's vocals take wings with sad urgency, rising above the dense, darkly downtuned procession of smoke and fire. Bittersweet leads break through the haze here and again, too, if for no other reason than to accent the gravity of the moment.

I've listened to the EP multiple times in a row and it is substantial enough to keep my appetite for doom satiated, without overstaying its welcome with an overly-familiar taste. Look for its release on Friday, April 17th (pre-order CD here), and listen to the record whole right here, right now via Doomed & Stoned!

Give ear...

Ruined by Wasteland Coven

A Chat with Wasteland Coven Guitarist Brandon Collins

Take us back to the band's origins. How did it all begin for you guys?

Things got started in late 2018, when our drummer Jason posted on Facebook asking if anybody wanted to play something dark and heavy. He was already playing in a punk band (The Old Breed) and a noise rock band (Sog City) so he was really looking to start more of a Manilla Road inspired band - he's a big Manilla Road fan. Sue (bass and vocals) and I (guitar) were both interested in Jason's pitch but style shifted a little bit as we all got together. By the first time we met up, he said to aim for Candlemass meets My Dying Bride (which I declared sorcery) and from there we drifted into the doom menagerie that we're at now.

Jason quickly roped in another guitar player, but after a month or two he lost interest, so we spent some time looking for another. During that search period we sketched out our first songs and booked some studio time for later in the year - we were going to record what we had regardless of who we had. Eventually Sue reached out to Bill who solidified the lineup midway through 2019 and we were officially a band. We practiced, finished up the songs as a four piece, and went to Lakebottom Recording House in September 2019.

How about a walk-through of the songs on 'Ruined' (2020)?

Midsummer Days

I think we all agree that this is the best song on here. It was going to be a shorter and simpler song originally, but it really kind of blossomed with all of us adding new bits to it. Lyrics mainly involve the imagery and feelings of a dying world. Really it's a sad, poetic veil over the changing of seasons, summer to fall to winter - seeing everything in nature fade and decay as seasonal depression kicks in. Admittedly, "Midsummer Days" isn't really a doomy title, but when you realize that they're dead. That'll teach you to judge too quickly! Kinda had to push Sue a bit to do the "trailing off into the void" vocals right at the end. She was reluctant, but I'm really glad she did them. It really adds some resonating loneliness.

Great Colossus

So originally, I came up with the riffs for this, played them for Jason, and when he added drums, his style immediately put Sue in mind of robots -- giant robots. And that drove us to make this our weirdest song lyrically, about falling in love with a giant robot with sexual overtones. Sue and I went back and forth on the lyrics for this one a lot, tweaking it to put just the right sultry spin on something cold and mechanical. This song sort of prompted the cover art. Around the time we were recording songs Sue was at an art show and saw the piece. Made her think of the song and said we needed it on our EP!

Endless Night

This was our first song, so I like to say it has first song syndrome -- not quite as strong as the others and maybe sticks out a little more 'cause you're trying to find your direction. But the main riff and the solos are still fun, so why not? Since it was going to be the first song for our doom band, the lyrics hit on a pretty typical doom metal topic: death. But I suppose the twist is that it's more about setting aside your fears and finding peace in your demise -- even as the music kind of betrays that peace and hints at the dread and dark thoughts behind it all. Solos here were fun to do. I take the first half of the solo section and Bill takes the second half, so we each get a chance to go our own direction just meeting for a moment to hand it off in the middle.

What was the recording process like for the band?

The bulk of it was done over the course of two weekends, September 27-29 and October 4-6 in 2019 (with a bit of touch up and review a few times afterwards). We went to Lakebottom Recording House in Toledo owned and operated by J.C. Griffin. Jason had recorded with J.C. many times before and refused to go anywhere else. But for the rest of us, it was our first time there and it was fantastic.

It's hard to imagine how it would have worked out with anyone else. J.C. is super encouraging and immediately invested in making sure you're getting a great sound - he's gives great direction for process, equipment, and performance. Really great weekends overall hanging out and playing music the whole time. The hardest part might have actually been the work week in between those two weekends -- coming down from all the joys and excitement with days full of music made "regular" life such a dull slog where we were just desperate to go back and do it again. Easily the most fun and best experience I've had recording.

In retrospect, maybe it was a bit weird that we were all so happy and having such a great time producing this melancholy music, but I don't think we put any thought into it at the time. Susan was extremely nervous and self-conscious when it came time to do her vocals, but with enough liquid courage she nailed it.

It looks like you had the album cover commissioned?

Artwork was done by Jackie McKown who lives here in Toledo. Sue saw the piece at an art show where Jackie was showing her stuff. These giant robot creatures wrecking shit was pretty in line with the initial themes of Great Colossus - it was lacking the sex/love angle, but it still fit just fine with the kind of destructive war-machines that could inspire love. Sue was very taken with it right away, so we went with it.

There's also presumably death and longing for better times involved in that kind of city-wide rampage, so you can tie into the other tracks as well. We sort of let that guide us, having the artwork inspire the title "Ruined." We had a city being ruined on the cover and we could find some form of ruination in each song. Then when it came time to lay everything out, we decided to ruin things a little more, adding wrinkles and dirt marks and imperfections.

This last question is just for the gearheads! Tell us what you're sporting these days?

Brandon: Epiphone Les Paul Studio guitar with an Orange Crush CR120C amp (frequently used to accidentally drown out everyone else), and for pedals: Big Muff Pi (with Tone Wicker), MXR EVH Phase 90, Cry Baby Wah.

Sue: Ibanez BTB 5 String Quilt Top bass, DR Dragon Skin strings (allergic to nickel), with a Fender Rumble 500 Combo amp and Big Muff Pi pedal.

Bill: ESP LTD Viper-256 w/Gibson 498T bridge guitar, ESP LTD EC-100 w/EMG 81/85. Amps include Peavey Valveking 2x12, Carvin X100-B 100 watt head*, and Carvin 4x12 Cab (used as needed). Pedal of choice: Digitech GNX4 Multi-Effects.

Jason: Tama Rockstar Drums.

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[pkmnsdarkqueen]

Drabble-So calls my heart to bad decisions. (Sinnoh)

Based on this , cause I can’t get it out of my head and I think it’d be funny to give mini versions of the crack ideas I said. Cut cause of length.

“You know as architecturally fascinating as this place is I think I like the Eterna base better.” “Wait seriously? All of the fun planning stuff that you love is here though. I mean we just read through notes in a lab about the lake guardians. That is your exact cup of tea.” “Yeah I knoooow but it was so much more dilapidated. How is this place still so clean?” “The various roombas might have something to do with it.”

Will chimed in as he stepped to the side to let another one slide by. When they talked to Cynthia she had mentioned the leader having an affinity for robots and machines which is why both Karen and Will hadn’t batted an eye at seeing a roomba in every room puttering around. 

Still Karen had expected it to be a bit more chaotic. I mean at least some wall paper starting to peel, a nick in a wall here and there, but no the place was just uncannily spotless. It made her wonder if anyone was still living there. They had encountered said issue before which had thankfully resolved itself. This time though she wasn’t so sure since as far as she knew they hadn’t met many Galactic members. 

Continuing in their exploits they both looked around the giant hall they’d entered. There wasn’t anything in the room except of course another roomba, guess they all were active this time of night, and a large podium area built into the room. As soon as they saw this Karen already knew what Will was about to say. 

“I want to get up there.” “Ok well let’s keep looking around and see if we can find stairs or another door, or-” “No way that’s lame, and these trips are for fun remember!”

Will cut her off running towards the wall starting to jump. The woman shook her head watching him miss the ledge by a long shot. Oh she already knew this wasn’t going to end well. 

“And how are you going to get up there from this room? That ledge is a whole you taller, and if you hadn’t noticed this place is stupidly minimalistic.”

She countered leaning against one of the walls to watch the show. He had moved from trying to jump it to knocking along the walls of the room. Personally she hoped he had taken her advice and was looking for a hidden stair case or something. Sure enough at one point there was a hollow thud causing both of them to perk up. Will grinned from ear to ear starting to see what objects he could manipulate. A hinge, a lock, some part of a door, and sure enough he was able to locate the spot to press on the wall. The panel cracked open with a small pop, and Will flung the door wide revealing chairs. Again practically spotless organized room with many stacks of chairs. 

“This is how.” “Oh this is going to be a bad idea.” “It is not ye of little faith! Watch me dazzle you with my genius.” “I’m going to tell Lance those were your final words before you broke your neck.”

Karen told him watching him use the dolly to position a stack by the wall. He could possibly reach now but looking at the chairs she wasn’t sure how steady taht tower would be. Sure they were your regular auditorium like chairs which was better than folding chairs, but as he said she was ye of little faith. 

“I’ll be fine, just be sure to catch me if I fall.” “No way, if I do that you’ll probably take both of us down. If you fall I’m going to say karma, and then laugh in your face.” “At least one of us will be able to laugh at my pain because I’m betting on a few broken ribs if I fail.” “How reassuring.”

Despite the shaking tower and general poor decision this was He was making progress. He always had the better sense of balance and so she watched silently as he grunted and huffed his way to the top of the stack. By the time he reached the top he had gotten the right height too, and was able to reach over to grab the lip of the wall. A few more scrambled moments and he had managed to crawl his way on to the other side giving a final kick to the chair pile which started to tip. HIs victorious pose of with two fisted hands in the air was met with the crashing applause of many chairs crashing to the floor. So much for this place being kept practically spotless. 

“You know I admire the grit that took, but question. You could of floated there Mr. Hi yeah so I’m psychic.” “I know but I want to save it in case we run into something or someone dangerous. Like what if this Cyrus guy has befriended Girintina right after getting sucked up in that world between worlds and he’s watching us right now with the weird science over there, gets mad we’re wrecking his stuff and BOOM!”

He emphasized smashing his fist on the short wall.

“Girintina and him burst through and attack us!” “I think that marathon of all the Godzilla movies followed by season one of Stargate SG1 was a bad idea.” “You’re just like killing my imagination.”

Will pouted having found a few pieces of paper to ball up one of which he threw at her. Easily it was caught by the woman who, out of curiosity started to unfold it. Huh, well this was interesting. 

“Hey Will the paper you tossed down looks like an old speech. Damn you know some of the phrases in here look familiar,’this is of upmost importance, you know the price of failure.’” “Secrecy is key, keeps your senses sharp, oooh I found the one I used to hear all the time! Don’t disappoint me.”

The elite mocked using an older deeper man voice to pull  a chuckle from Karen.

“Oh but you sure did disappoint, but not as badly as Sham and Carl did some days. We really outclassed them so soon after joining, you know they had every right to be mad at us for that.”

The woman chimed in remembering well the day they basically became the right hand men and pushing those two out of their place. Despite being both younger, and not around as long they were quite the trained soldiers. In retro-spect that was not a good thing, but in some weird way Karen still felt pride in that. 

“I’m sorry I think you mean Coral and Shoe which I remember him calling them once because he forgot their names. I fully agree that they had every right to be  mad at us. We were nothing but some dorks that showed up, I came already born with powers, you are just well, you’re yourself.” “You know normally you say that as an insult.” “And this time I mean it as a compliment because compared to those two you came in Black Widow even without training yet. Then next thing you know we’re top dogs, we manage to connect with legendary pokemon, and are given control to command them, we get trusted to guard the main plan in the end, and are openly the favorite. I don’t blame them for hating our guts as kids. To be fair we deserved that hate, and all the other hate we’ve gotten. It’s a good thing like came and kicked us in the nuts when it did because if it hadn’t I’m telling you right now we would of likely ran that branch of Rocket after Pryce up and zipped off!”

The psychic started to rant. It was always fun when he started this. It was like watching a comedy special done by a very well dressed individual, with the accompanying hand gestures and pacing. All it took was a little audience participation and he’d go on a roll. What better place for him to give a speech than here.

“Oh us run the joint, huh? Now this I want to hear.”

Karen encouraged seeing her friend grin as he straightened up. 

“Let me tell you then! Now we both know if we knew the real reason that garbage human being wanted our help, reunite a lapras with it’s family, we would of revolted!” “Revolted?” “I fucking said it! Viva la revolution, and everything because we both knew all the shit we’d gone through wasn’t worth THAT! So if you’d listened to me and backed off of Blue when ya did we would of had not one, not two, but three legendary birds, and Ho-oh and Lugia cause there is no way we’d give them back after finding out his big plan. SO we’d take those birds, we’d rally up some of the other Rocket members in the other districts who’d follow us cause we ACTUALLY would manage to have control over real legendary pokemon and played our cards right till we and our group were strong enough to take down the league.”

He stressed grabbing the edge of the concrete wall to lean in. 

“Cause when you put Karen and Will together we are such goddamn unstoppable forces not even Arceus can stop you and I.”

Karen was grinning watching him give his little motivational speech and clapped her hands shouting encore a few times to boost the dramatics of his little speech. He of course did not take this in a humble stride giving dramatic bows as if they had a large audience to entertain complete with blowing a kiss and pretending to weep. All dramatic exaggerations until one sweep of his hand and misstep seemed to be a bit too grand. Unaware there was more paper scattered on the ground his foot started to slip. HIs latest ‘thank you’ was cut short as he felt his weight go over the edge. Even grabbing it was no good as he started to tip. Karen stopped her applause once she saw this breaking into a run as she raced over to catch him. Although she too took a tumble after not seeing a chair by her feet. 

There was a crash as the chairs collided with each other again now with an added person. The one to land after skidding against the floor was Karen. Will floated above her giving a hiss knowing that had to hurt. 

“....well, now who forgot I could float.”

He muttered feeling her hand grab his ankle and yank him down. With concentration broken he fell the last half a foot. Ok maybe he deserved that.

“You know funnily enough I was about to swing the conservation to talking about how it’s a good thing we ended up where we are. Life has a way of kicking folks like us down a peg.....or in this case pride comes before fall.”

There was a long pause as Karen simply stared at him dead pan before shaking her head starting to laugh. Sure she was still bruised and so was he, but hey they might as well enjoy this laugh even if it was a stupid one. 

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 173: Campus Tour

Previously on BnHA: Class A hashed out everyone’s roles for the upcoming band performance/dance party. Momo wound up on keyboard, Jirou is doing vocals in addition to bass, and Kaminari and Tokoyami will be playing guitar. A staging team was also assembled, consisting of Aoyama, Sero, Kirishima, Kouda, and Shouto. And the rest of class A (as well as Aoyama again, for some reason) will be on the dance team. The next day Deku went to meet with All Might. He explained that he could only maintain 20% OFA for a short while and that it wasn’t enough to beat Overhaul and he needed some sort of long distance attack. All Might was all “then LET’S TAKE THIS OUTSIDE, SON”, and they went out to the forest and he had Deku activate 20% OFA and do a cool wind attack and fuck up some trees! And long story short, basically Deku has to learn how to utilize 20% OFA in just his hands rather than in full cowl, so that way he can whip out the wind attack whenever he wants without putting too much strain on himself. Having settled that, we then fast-forwarded one month later to the day of the cultural fest, (ETA: nope) with Mirio bringing Eri to U.A.

Today on BnHA: Mirio and Deku take Eri on a fun tour of U.A. to help her get a little more familiar with the place before the chaos and commotion of the festival. During the course of their wanderings they first come across the members of class B who are constructing the set and props for the fantasy play they’ll be doing in the festival. They then stop by to greet Hadou (who’s running for Miss Con which is basically a beauty pageant thing) and Tamaki before heading down to the support department, where they ooh and ahh at Mei’s cool giant robot. Finally they take a breather in the cafeteria and ask Eri what she thinks. She says she’s not sure, but since everyone is trying their hardest, she wants to see how it will turn out. The kids take that as a win, and Rat Principal -- who is sitting at a table nearby -- says that he’s excited too. We have a brief flashback to a meeting he had with the Commissioner General, who wanted U.A. to cancel the event. Rat Principal begged him to reconsider, saying that he felt it was necessary for the students. In the end they got the okay, on the stipulation that if the security is breached or the alarm goes off for any reason, the event will immediately be called off and evacuated. Back in the present, Deku bids Eri farewell, and one week later Mina abruptly boots him off of the dance team.

(As always, all comments not marked with an ETA are my unspoiled reactions from my first readthrough of this chapter. I’ve read up through chapter 199 now, so any ETAs will reflect that.)

did these motherfuckers really just spell Kacchan as Ka-chan

(ETA: the Jaimini’s Box translations have had a lot of issues lately so I’ve mostly been sticking to Mangastream now)

also [whips out nerd glasses] according to the U.A. class schedule from the databook, the kids in fact do not have Saturdays off, typically. though maybe they have this specific Saturday off? since they said the temporary license course group also had a break

anyways, these guys are lucky that I’m in a super good mood and don’t feel like nitpicking too much BECAUSE!

IIDA MOTHERFUCKING TENYA HAS HIT THE DANCE FLOOR Y’ALL

I’m going to create a new folder on my PC right now just for pictures of Iida dancing. once it is full I will post them all, and then whenever I am sad all I’ll have to do is go back and look at that post

(ETA: oh yeah I still need to do that at some point lol. when the going gets tough, remember Dancing Iida)

also it appears that Aoyama has fully jumped ship to the dance team, because the staging team is just Shouto, Sero, Kiri, and Kouda now

meanwhile Mirio is hiding in the bushes plotting some sort of hilarious entrance!

BUT HE HAS BEEN SPOTTED

DAMMIT DEKU

also! I figured that since Eri was there, it must be the day of the festival! but I guess it isn’t! which means he’s brought Eri to hang out with all of her class A sibs early! WHICH MEANS THIS IS GOING TO BE MY FAVORITE CHAPTER OF ALL TIME, ISN’T IT

MIRIO WHAT ARE YOU DOING

I’m crying sob help

lmao Ojiro is all IS THAT SENPAI’S KID?? as though that’s somehow the ONLY POSSIBLE EXPLANATION. not his little sister, not his cousin, not even Aizawa’s kid despite him also being right there. nope. this must be Toogata Mirio’s illegitimate child

(ETA: Mangastream version just says “is that his kid” which makes me think he is in fact referring to Aizawa, which makes a lot more sense but is less hilarious though.)

Ochako and Tsuyu are immediately complimenting Eri’s fucking adorable outfit, which is 100% the correct reaction. FOR FUCK’S SAKE. HER FIRST TIME WEARING SHOES AND THEY GOT HER THE CUTEST FUCKING BOOTS IN THE WORLD. and the little kid purse that matches her outfit. I can’t

Mirio is now hauling himself out from the bushes dejectedly while Aizawa explains that they got permission from the principal to let her visit

apparently the principal quite rightly said that Eri should visit on a quieter day first so she could get used to being around people since she’s been cut off from society until now and they don’t want her to get overwhelmed

and she is indeed shyly running back to Mirio and taking his hand

so now Iida’s coming up to introduce himself

...and Mineta is officially being the MOST cancelled he’s ever been, holy fucking shit. usually I just ignore his crap, but jesus. “I’m looking forward to meeting you again in ten years!” he says. to a six-year-old. how the fuck is that funny. can’t Aizawa just fucking expel his ass already. can we just delete him already please. god

(ETA: it’s even worse coming right off of 172 where he was much more tolerable than usual. one step forward, ten million steps back. took so many fucking steps backward he went and tumbled off a fucking cliff good grief)

ugh. anyway, so Mirio’s asking Deku if he wants to come with them

they’re going to walk around U.A. with Eri and give her the tour I guess

EYYYYY

I was just thinking to myself, it didn’t seem right that all of the other interns got to say hi and not him!

omg

HE’S KIRISHIMA! YOUR NEW BEST FRIEND!

now they should go take her to watch the band practice because I want her to meet Bakugou. I just do. it could go very good or very bad but either way, I’m all in

(ETA: am I the only one who wants this?? I agree with the anon who said a while back that we have been robbed of Shouto+Eri interactions, but also! Bakugou Katsuki, who recently leveled up and got his babysitting certification! Bakugou, who would be so awkward around her, but supposing there was ever a crisis situation though? he would be super gruff and he’d tell her not to worry and that he won’t let anything happen to her and that if any villains try to start some shit he’ll kick their ass. Bakugou who wouldn’t be at all intimidated by her quirk and would think it’s badass. Bakugou who also knows what it’s like to be held prisoner by villains, even if it was only for a short while and under very different circumstances. idk you guys I just think there’s a lot of potential there and I’d love to see it. my list of people who I want to see interacting with Eri is getting fairly long by this point. and for that matter, Aizawa himself is on that fucking list too because even though he’s been acting as her guardian, it’s usually Mirio and Deku who interact with her directly.)

why are these weirdos putting their uniforms back on

is there some rule that you have to be in uniform whenever you’re at school or what

(ETA: actually this is probably the case since everyone else also has either their regular or gym uniforms on)

anyway, they’re running across some third years from the business department, and they seem to know Mirio and they’re saying hi

why is everyone on this damn campus jumping to this conclusion lmao

(ETA: and this time the MS translation is making the same joke. I think)

they’re handing out program fliers to him and Deku and telling them to come visit during the festival

oh dang

holy shit. they’re really going all out. even for something like a culture festival, U.A. don’t play

EYYYYYYYYY

I love that Monoma appears to be standing up on tiptoes to peek at them excitedly. “FUCK YEAH TIME TO INDULGE IN MY FAVORITE PASTIME”

Deku’s asking Eri if she’s okay as though he’s not the one who nearly had a heart attack just now

she says she thought it was the “falling lady”, referring to Ryuukyuu. oh my god. so fucking cute I’m gonna die

(ETA: the notion that Eri’s lasting impression of Ryuukyuu is as the giant dragon that came busting through the roof just tickles me so fucking much you guys)

Monoma is declaring war as usual

WE’LL SEE ABOUT THAT, FRIEND

oh my god

“completely original”

this is the best joke ever if this translation is accurate. please be accurate. class B you are giving me life right now

(ETA: you bet it’s accurate. and since this is the future, THIS SHIT IS ALL IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN NOW, Y’ALL. so put those lawyers away and prepare yourselves for the fantasy epic of a lifetime)

Awase is knocking him out and apologizing because Kendou wasn’t there so “he went unchecked”

OH MY GOD

HE’S RUNNING FOR MISS CON. THIS WHOLE ARC TRULY IS HORIKOSHI’S TENDER, LOVING APOLOGY FOR THAT HALLWAY OF BULLSHIT

(ETA: yet another mistranslation from Jaimini but CAN YOU IMAGINE THOUGH. but yeah, obviously what he’s actually saying is that Kendou is running)

Deku’s still shocked and says Aizawa didn’t say a single word to them about Miss Con. probably because he wasn’t able to mention it to you all at a time when Mineta was conveniently out of the room

(ETA: and also because it’s the least rational thing in the world and he will be DAMNED if his kids get caught up in that nonsense when they have more important things to be doing)

Mirio is apologizing to Eri for “suddenly showing you U.A.’s bad side” lmao

look at his face though

“I’m sorry Eri. Monoma was acting like a cotton-headed ninny muggins”

EYYYYYYYYYYY

she’s got it in the bag this year for sure

she’s floating over to say hi!

IS THAT TAMAKI WITH THE CAMERA??

Deku is so flustered he can’t even make eye contact. U.A.’s very own awkward bi icon

Hadou’s saying that she’s never won and that there’s a girl in the class G support team who beats her every year

in a world of quirks, it occurs to me that even lashes like this might legitimately be “maybe she’s born with it” and not automatically “maybe it’s maybelline”

EYYYYYYYYYYYYY

GOOD OL’ TAMAKI

Hadou is smiling and saying that this year she’ll definitely win

I’m amazed and pleased that she hasn’t started asking Eri inappropriate questions. even she can respect boundaries when it’s important! UNLIKE SOME CANCELLED PURPLE FUCKS

ohhh snap now they’re stopping by the development studio

okay now this looks more like what I was expecting the last time we saw this place

CAN ONE OF YOU GENIUSES PLEASE BUILD SOMETHING TO RESCUE TONY STARK. HE IS STRANDED IN SPACE

Mirio says they’re preparing for the technology exhibition that they hold every year. apparently it gets a lot of media attention

oh here we go

eyyyyyyyyy

so she’s showing off her latest giant robot, and they’re acting appropriately impressed. everyone loves giant robots

she says that for the hero department, the sports festival is where they garner attention. but now their department gets to be the main attraction

although, given the type of attention the sports festival garnered, you might want to reconsider being so pleased about that

also, didn’t Aizawa say that this year’s festival would be more lowkey due to all the shit that’s gone down recently? I mean, that’s the plan, anyway. apparently we’re going to be invaded by a gentlevillain so we’ll see how that actually goes

oh shit, Mei’s robot just blew the fuck up

“AGAIN”

HEY EVERYONE! IT’S A SINGLE PANEL OF THE TENTH MOST POPULAR CHARACTER, SHINSOU

HEY’S STILL HERE. JUST FYI. STILL EXISTS. STILL POPULAR

(ETA: you guys I’m so excited I finally got to the part of the manga where Shinsou Does Stuff Again. you don’t even know)

so now they’re at the cafeteria and Eri’s sitting down with some juice

they’re asking what she thought and whether she thinks she’ll be comfortable at the festival

;_____;

she is so good so pure I love her please protect her always!!!

lmaooooo

ERI YOUR BROTHERS ARE HUGE FUCKING DORKS

OH MY GOD

WERE YOU TWO HERE THIS WHOLE TIME

Rat Principal says he’s also excited for the culture festival and that the students always do their best to create a good time for everyone

oh?

I’m so curious to hear more about U.A.’s behind the scenes struggles. dammit. Rat Principal always gotta keep a tight lid on gossip

now he’s walking off and telling them to enjoy the festival to their heart’s content

YESSSSS A FLASHBACK TO U.A.’S BEHIND THE SCENES STRUGGLES!!

LAY IT ON ME

well now we finally know who this guy is. this is the second time we’ve seen him; the first was right after All Might’s retirement

he’s not wrong. U.A. has been a magnet for trouble lately, and they have several students who are known targets of the League. not to mention a weakened All Might. basically another attack is probably inevitable at some point, and they don’t want to test fate, because if there is an attack and anything goes wrong, that’s probably it for the school and that’s the last thing they need. they desperately need this place to stay open

Rat Principal acknowledges that he’s right, but he says that he considers this event to be necessary for the kids

and that’s true also! they really need the morale boost right about now. they’ve had one hell of a year

Rat Principal, you’re really not so bad for a totally evil guy

so they apparently worked out an agreement, and have fortified security yet again, and if by any chance an alarm sounds -- even if it’s false -- they will immediately suspend activities and evacuate

back in the cafeteria, Midnight says that talk of class A’s program has even made it to the staff room, and she’s telling them to work hard

well of course class A was discussed in the staff room. I imagine they’re the number one subject of gossip most of the time no matter what

Eri’s asking what Deku’s class is doing, and he’s explaining that it’s going to be a dance party

this chapter cleared my skin and watered my crops you guys and it’s just the best

and now we’re cutting to one week later

LMAO

WE’RE SORRY MAN. YOU JUST DON’T GOT THE RHYTHM

ah well. at least he has an adorable little munchkin of a sibling whom he can now spend the day wandering the school with again, maybe. and beating back gentlevillains with his new finger cowl wind move

there is a bonus page but I’m short on time today to include it, so I’ll just throw it in there tomorrow instead! plus ultra!

[dangan-meme-palace]

Yandere DRV3 Boys

I fucked up the ask but I hope whoever requested this likes it :’)

The girls can be found right here

(Trigger Warnings for the following: Abuse (Emotional and Physical), Kidnapping, Manipulation, Suicide, Self Harm, Eating Disorders, Implied Murder, and Implied Torture)

Rantaro Amami

Probably fell in love with you when you asked him for help with something and thanked him for it by helping him with something he was struggling with

Wants to feel needed 24/7 so he just kinda

Does everything for you

All the time

Whether that means doing your homework, bringing you a lunch, buying you expensive gifts, or just being a shoulder to lean on

God help the people you vent about though

He's basically your personal problem solver so when people are the problem there's only one solution

Doesn't really mind you having friends because they make you happy and that's all he really wants

But again, god help the ones he deems unworthy

Definitely introduces you to his sisters

The amount of attention and devotion he gives to you probably worries his sisters though, and can lead to fights between him and them

They realize he's running himself ragged trying to take care of everything for you but he doesn't see that as a problem

In his mind you're helpless and need his help all the time and since he loves you why wouldn't he try to help :)

Who cares if he's tired, you take priority :))

You have to be careful about trying to get him to take breaks because if he knows what you're doing he'll get huffy

So you have to be like “awww maaaannn I'm super tired, will you cuddle with me for a while?" and hope for the best

Make sure you put in some effort too

He has it in his head that he needs to be doing everything for the both of you so

Make!! Sure!! He!! Rests!!

He'll overwork himself if you don't

He also makes a lot of decisions for you so if Y'all go to a restaurant he's ordering for the both of you

Overall a good boy who I would die for

Kokichi Ouma

Did somebody say mind games?

Probably fell in love with you when you exceeded his predictions multiple times

I imagine he's a lot like Izuru and Junko when it comes to being bored so when you came along his heart just !!!!

Finally, someone who didn't bore him to tears

And that's when things went from bad to worse

Gets really clingy shortly after his obsession starts

Always making excuses to be near you

He just doesn't wanna lose the only person who isn’t absolutely boring, okaaayyy~?

That being said you're not allowed to talk to other people period

He takes it as a personal offense tbh

Wants you to talk to him, pay attention to him and just never look away

Talking to you is something he enjoys immensely btw

Bonus points if you can see through his bullshit

Not gonna lie he's probably gonna threaten you a lot

Don't get him wrong he loves you dearly but

He wants to be the only one you think of

Would kidnap you given the chance

Probably tried to get DICE to kidnap you but since they thought it was a bit much for a “prank" they didn't do it

He screamed and yelled when they didn't 

They're terrified of him at this point but that doesn't matter because he has you!!

Have fun being locked in what used to be DICE HQ

He doesn't actually love you btw

It's just flat out obsession

Try your best to keep him entertained with you

If you don't he's gonna be sorely disappointed in you and you're gonna be horribly disfigured by the end of it

After all, what do you do with toys you don't like anymore?

: )

Kiibo

Probably didn't realize he fell in love until waaaaay later

All he knew was that you were really nice to him and caused him to overheat like a motherfucker

Poor Miu honestly

She's probably the one who told him about his feelings but we all know she gave him more questions than answers

Google: what is a smash and why do I want to do it????

Bless him

He just wants to impress you so he researches fucking everything he can about dating

Also if you like the more robotic aspects of him he asks Miu for hella upgrades

Would straight up do anything for you just so you would keep looking at him

Gets jealous a fair amount but he doesn't know what it is or why he feels it so he just acts pouty

That being said he's kinda indifferent towards your friends for the most part but he doesn't think they deserve you

He's done so much for you to keep looking at him and what have they done? Nothing, that's what.

You trying to leave him would be your downfall

Idk why you would but if you did that's when he fuckin snaps

He's tried so hard and you still won't look his way

Nuh-uh

His thinking does a 180 and now he expects you to do everything you can to make it up to him

If you don't he's gonna get real nasty with you

Not above blackmail and threats at this point

He acts like you owe him everything

Why couldn't you just love him for the jetpack??!?

Shuichi Saihara

S t a l k e r

Fell in love when you were consistently nice to him

Probably sees it as some sort of debt that he can never pay back

Like Rantaro he just wants to make you happy but unlike Rantaro he's doing it from the sidelines

Leaves nice notes in your locker, candy in your desk, and anything he can think to do to make you happy

Doesn't care if you know it's him

He just needs to pay you back for being such a kind person

If you find out it's him he's over the moon

Until you say you want him to stop

W hat???? Why????

He's near tears you fucking monster

When you explain it's just because you feel guilty that he's putting in all this effort he reassures you that it's fine

He would do anything for you after all

Now if you're not a cuntlord like me and you don't want him to keep doing this he's heartbroken

Takes it as a flat-out rejection

And that's when the emotional manipulation rears its ugly head

The worst part is he's not trying to manipulate you he's doing this because he feels like he needs to

And by this I mean he's eating and sleeping less and probably started cutting himself as a sick form of punishment for making you mad at him

You were just too kind to do it yourself so he has to do it

When you find out and tell him to stop again he's sobbing

He just doesn't know what you want him to do any more

You need to be real careful around him at that moment

Reject him and he will lose all faith in himself along with any confidence he ever had

Might kill himself not gonna lie

Choose to accept him and he's listening to everything you say like its gospel

If you want something done it gets done no matter what

Just… try not to abuse your power… he'll make himself sick trying to do everything for you

Overall he's a really big emo and I love him a lot; 10/10 would die for this man

Ryoma Hoshi

Another emo piece of shit

He's a lot like Shuichi except he doesn't stalk you

He just kinda stays at your side

Unless you tell him to go away; then he's stalking you

Fell for you for the same reason Shuichi did except you really had to give it your all

He sees you as his new reason to live and thinks that since you saved his life it's only fair that he spends it trying to make you happy

It's the least he can do

As a bonus, he would totally let you make a whole bunch of short jokes and would genuinely laugh at every one of them lmao

If you tell him to stop hanging around you he is crushed

Starts taking risks like no tomorrow

He smokes 2 packs a day and is right back where he started, if not worse, on the suicidal front

Doesn't even try to make it up to you because he doesn't believe he can

You were his second chance and he blew it

Now he's just stuck in this funk until he eventually just dies

He either kicks the bucket from health problems caused by smoking or doing something stupid like walking into traffic

All he wanted was to make you happy

Kaito “luminary of the stars" Momota

Fell for you when you both were talking about space and you managed to out-nerd him

Wholeheartedly believes he deserves you

Why wouldn't he? After all, he's a fucking astronaut

An astronaut

Who wouldn't want a cool guy like him?

Apparently, you, because when he started flirting with him you shut him down immediately.

Well shit

That's okay! He likes them feisty too!

Tries showing off but nothing's working

Okay, now he's pissed.

Great.

He still keeps trying but on the inside, he's starting to doubt himself

Why isn't THE Kaito Momota good enough for you

Truly snaps for the first time when he finds out you have a boyfriend

Why the Fuck would you pick some loser, who's not even an astronaut, over him: Kaito. Mother. Fucking. Momota.

He's done

Kidnaps you and tortures your boyfriend in front of you

He doesn't even care if you love him as long as your his, you can hate him all you want for all he cares

He might even hate you a little bit back tbh

You're nothing more than a trophy to him right now

Can somebody say yikes?

Gonta Gokuhara

Precious

Too good for this

I can totally see him kidnapping you and keeping you in a giant terrarium though

He would probably fall for you after you weren't afraid of him due to his stature. Also, if you say you like bugs (even just one bug like a butterfly or a ladybug)

After he started obsessing over you he also started killing his entire bug collection

Gonta only collects the prettiest of bugs after all

Why would he need all those ugly bugs when he has the prettiest thing he has ever laid eyes on locked away for his eyes only

Might realize it's wrong to keep you locked up but not before you lose hope of ever getting out and break

Actively tries to get you out of your cage now

Doesn't work though because you barely talk and don't move on your own

:’D

Korekiyo “I will rip out your nerves” Shinguji

Let's get this straight: He doesn't love you.

He's obsessed with you, yeah

But he doesn't love you

He wants to observe your beauty and nothing more

Actually won't kidnap you

Hurray!

He just intensively stalks you

Un-hurray!

It's gotten to the point where he can predict you with ease

He knows your schedule, your hangouts, your friends, and your mother's maiden name

Probably has tea with your mother on the weekends, just saying

He prioritizes watching you above everything, even food and hygiene 

He's getting a little thin… :( your mom is worried about her new friend :(

Doesn't matter because how could he miss you doing laundry!! So exciting!!

The big drawback with this man is that all he does is watch

If you're getting bullied, beat on, made fun of, abused; does not fucking matter

Kukukuku the faces you make while you're in agony are exquisite 

Overall he's not much of a problem unless you don't want to be watched 24/7

….

I still hate him tho

[pjbehindthesun]

chapter 25: confrontations and constellations

Tuesday, November 6th, 1990

“Mmmphh? Hello?” Not the most polite way to answer the phone, true, but who the fuck calls at this hour?

“Oh, shit, I’m sorry, I woke you up, I figured you’d be up early with Jeff…”

“No… I mean, yeah, he left way early, he had to be at work by 4, I went back to bed… what’s going on, is everything okay?”

“Uhm. I hate to do this before you go to work, but… can you come up?”

Cora’s voice is so small it’s terrifying. That’s all I need to know. It’s go time. I’ve barely yanked a comb through my hair, dragged a toothbrush through my mouth, and thrown on something vaguely resembling a work outfit before I’m off up the stairs. Halfway up, I remember the spare key to her place, which is hanging on a hook next to my door, but whatever, thankfully she’s left the door unlocked.

And she looks like absolute, utter hell. She’s curled up on the couch under a massive blanket, white as a ghost, looking at me with dark-circled eyes.

“I got Stone’s flu, I think,” she explains unnecessarily, obviously straining to talk through a sore throat. “Also, I kicked Alex out last night.”

Typical Cora, burying the lede. Pinching myself would be rude, right? I need to not do that. I opt for biting my tongue hard to make sure I’m awake as I scoot some of her mountainous blanket fort over to make room for myself on the couch. Ow. Yeah. I’m awake.

“What the hell happened?”

She winces as she swallows. “Another girl. Here. They were, uh, in the shower, when I… They, uhm, figured I’d be at work longer, but Colleen sent me home early last night, because of the whole…” she draws a circle around her face, which is giving the facial expression equivalent of a shrug.

“You’re fucking kidding me.”

“Uh-uh. So I… came home and… found them. Kicked them both out. And then I stupidly told him to come back tomorrow and get his stuff.”

“That’s not stupid, we should get his shit out of here as fast as possible,” I muse, scowling at her. “Do we know her?”

“No. She’s Brian’s girlfriend or something. She didn’t even know about me. It’s been going on for a year.”

A year?? This is so fucking surreal. I know how to do the friend thing, I swear that I do, but the way she’s relaying this insane information so robotically, it’s really throwing me for a loop. I wish she’d scream about it, or cry hysterically, or call him a rat bastard, or something to let me vent my own anger, but clearly, we’re not there yet…

“...and how are you doing?”

“I’m alright. I just, uhm,” she glances around the apartment, “I told him he could come and get his stuff today, you know, move out, but I don’t… I don’t really want him hanging around forever trying to get it all gathered up… I was gonna try to get a head start this morning but I could use a little help…?”

Okay! An action item! I got this. We’ll deal with robotic Cora later. I’m sure it’s just a defense mechanism and she’ll break down later once she’s had more time to process. I jump up off the couch, a to-do list growing ever longer in my brain. Cora starts to get up too, but it doesn’t take a lot of effort to push her back down because she’s not very steady on her feet.

“Park your ass, woman, you need to rest.” She opens her mouth to protest, but I’m already walking toward the bathroom, calling back over my shoulder. “The first thing I can do is bleach the ever-loving fuck out of your shower. And your towels. And your sheets. And who knows what else they touched, but we’re gonna nuke the shit out of it all. Okay? And then… we’ll figure out the packing part later.” A glance at the clock tells me I don’t have a ton of time before I need to go to work. I need reinforcements. But that can wait.

I leave Cora to slump passively on the couch while I gather up a load of sheets (because ew) and towels (because extra ew) and quickly attack her shower with some bleach spray. Out of her sightline, I’m free to gag at the mental image of that dumb, smarmy motherfucker hooking up with another girl IN THE APARTMENT HE SHARED WITH MY FRIEND. WHO DOES THAT??! FOR A YEAR!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I’m obviously not going to fan those flames with her and make her feel even worse, because she’s still letting it all sink in and what she needs right now is some unemotional, businesslike help getting the logistics worked out. But it’s therapeutic for me to be able to lose my shit in here with the door closed for a moment. Okay, whoa, bleach fumes... moment over. I make the bed up with clean sheets and grab the rest to take down to the basement.

“Laundry, be right back! You good?” I call at her over a giant basket of offending laundry. She nods and manages a small “thanks” as I bustle past. Once I’m in the laundry room, I get to take out more anger on the machine, slamming doors and swearing loudly, but I collect myself before I get back to the 4th floor. She hasn’t moved an inch, and she still looks like a zombie.

“Okay, alright, uhm, I have to leave for work in like five minutes…” I tell her, glancing at the clock as my mind races.

“You’re the best. Even that much was a huge help because I was never gonna make it down the stairs,” she tries for a chuckle but ends up coughing. “I’ve got it from here, you go to work.”

“Stop talking nonsense. I just need to figure out who I can call to come help you.”

“No!” she yelps, wide-eyed. “No, please don’t tell everybody, this is so fucking embarrassing, I really don’t need the whole phone tree to be notified that my life is on fire. I can do it myself!”

“I wasn’t thinking of lighting up the phone tree, I’m just wondering if any of the guys are off work this morning. You need manual labor.”

“I can do it, Lucy, honestly.”

“Uh huh. And you’re going to have help. Stop arguing about it or I’ll fight you and you know I have the height advantage. Let’s see, first, we need to figure out when…” it takes a Herculean effort to say his cursed fucking name out loud, but gritting my teeth seems to help “...Alex is going to drop by. I want to have it all done before then so he’s not here for more than a minute. Get in, get your shit, get out.”

Her eyes start to look a little red-rimmed for the first time. “I love you, Luce.”

“You too. Don’t you fucking move. Get a little rest.”

I grab the phone off the end table, tugging at the cord to follow me, and pace down the hallway and into their den, hoping that she won’t eavesdrop quite as aggressively that way. And then I remember I don’t know Alex’s work number. I yell down the hall, she calls out the numbers, and I punch them in, imagining each phone key is one of his teeth being knocked in. To my surprise, the bastard picks up on the first ring.

“Hello?”

He sounds like shit. This pleases me.

“Alex, it’s Lucy. You’re at work early.”

“Yeah, uh,” he yawns, “I slept at my desk last night, Cora kicked me out, and I couldn’t stay at Brian’s, so --”

“-- I’m playing the world’s smallest violin for you,” I growl, trying to keep my voice low enough that Cora won’t hear but assertive enough to terrify the shitstain on the other end of the line. “Listen. You are going to come get your shit on your lunch break. I’ll have it all packed up and in the front room. If you don’t get it out of here by 1:00, we’re having a bonfire tonight at Discovery Park, courtesy of your video game console.”

He stammers for a moment before mumbling something that sounds enough like assent for me.

“Don’t be late.”

It takes a lot of effort not to slam the phone back down. Get me, I’m mature. Okay, now we have a little over four hours to get his shit out of here, but I don’t have any more personal days left this year so I can’t miss work, Jeff’s at the cafe already… Eddie? Eddie’s a pretty diplomatic guy, I bet he’d be willing to help, and of all the options, he probably wouldn’t make Cora feel too uncomfortable. But when I try the guys’ apartment, there’s no answer, so maybe he had an early shift too.

Hmm. Mike? He’s a bit of a mess, but he’s got a good heart. I’ll try him next.

“H’llo? wh’s happenin’ ‘bout me,” a slurred voice says.

“Mike? Mike! Wake up, I need your help.”

“we’re closed! n’more lettuce for today.”

“The fuck? Mike!” but he’s already hung up. Great, the only two morning people in our whole crew are already at work, and Cready’s either talking in his sleep or wasted or both. I can’t remember Chris’s number, and I’m not about to ask Cora for it because I don’t want her to freak out again thinking I’m calling the whole neighborhood. That leaves one option. She’s not going to like this. She’s really, really not going to like this.

“Hello?”

Okay, finally, someone who sounds at least halfway awake.

“Hey, Stone? Sorry to bother you so early. It’s Lucy.”

“Lucy? What the hell’s going on? It’s like… 7…?” I can hear him stretch and probably fumble around for his alarm clock.

“7:15, yeah,” I finish his thought for him. “Listen, I need your help. Cora kicked Alex out last night, she found him cheating with some other chick. As in, he’s been cheating on her with this same girl all year. As in, she found them here when she got off work.”

His sudden avalanche of bellowed obscenity makes me jerk the phone away from my head. “Okay, okay, get it out of your system, I know, I said all the same things when I heard,” I reassure him from a safe, ear-protecting difference. “The thing is, there’s not really time for that, because he’s coming back at like noon to get his shit out of the apartment, and Cora’s got the flu so there’s no way she can pack it up herself. Despite what she may think.” As I speak, I can hear her making a liar out of me in the other room with the unmistakable sounds of a suitcase being packed. So much for the whole resting idea. She’s impossible. Good luck with that, Stone.  “She’s already trying to do it herself, you know how stubborn she is. I wish I could help her but I’m out of time off for the year and I have to get to work, but I’ll be right back as soon as I’m done for the day, I just need someone to --”

“Be right over,” he says in a terse voice that’s much higher pitched than usual. I hang up and resign myself to trying to restrain Cora from murdering me for calling him.

When I find her next door in their bedroom, she’s busily filling the battered old suitcase with sweaters and polo shirts from the dresser.

“So, Alex will be here around 12… Jeff and Eddie were both at work....”

She cuts me off in a brisk tone, continuing to pack and not making eye contact, “That’s okay, don’t call anyone else, I swear I’ve got this. He doesn’t even have that much stuff. All the furniture and kitchen stuff’s mine, it’s just his clothes, a few books, records, the computer shit in the den… I won’t drop dead from the exertion of packing all of that, I promise.”

For a split second, I consider telling her that Stone is on his way over, but (a), I value my life, (b), I’m not going to have the argument with her that she needs to stay in bed because I know that will fall on deaf ears, and (c), I’m going to be late for work. That’s Stone’s problem now.

“Okay, well, drink lots of water, don’t overdo it, call me if you need ANYTHING, and call me no matter what after he leaves. Got it?” I tip an entire drawer full of socks into the bag to speed up the process, giving her a pointed stare until she finally pauses and looks at me.

“Yes, ma’am. You’re my favorite human, you know that?”

“You’re mine. Try to rest.” I pull her into a quick hug, and then I’m on my way out the door.

I’d better be your favorite human. I bleached your ex-boyfriend’s sex towels. Vivid fantasies of murder accompany me on the drive to the hospital.

***

Of course, I only remember that I forgot to lock the station wagon when I’m already on the 4th flight of stairs in her building, taking them three at a time, trying to get a grip on my temper so I can actually be useful when I get to her place. Whatever, if someone wants my car that bad, they can have it. I was so busy mentally cursing Cletus that I nearly wrecked it like four times just getting it over here, and the drive’s only like 15 minutes.

I have to take a deep breath to avoid pounding on her door, but no matter what I do, I can’t get my adrenaline levels to chill out. Down, boy. This is not the time, place, or person for the whole John Wayne hero routine. Not that I’ve ever been very good at it, anyway. With one more deep breath, I arrange my face into some semblance of neutrality and manage a normal-volume knock.

Cora opens the door, bundled up in a massive quilt and looking like death, so much so that I’m probably gaping at her like a fool. So much for keeping a neutral expression. We stare at each other in silence for an excruciatingly long time, and I would speak up except that I don’t even know what I’m supposed to say. I’ve been preoccupied with all this stupid male anger for Alex, I didn’t even bother thinking about what I should say to her. Thankfully, she speaks up before I have to.

“What are you doing here?”

Okay, that I can work with. “Lucy called me.”

A skeptical crease between her eyebrows tells me that this information is news to her, so I explain as quickly as I can, “she said… she said you might need some help, uh, packing stuff.”

“Did she tell you why?” Her voice is a thin monotone.

I nod but then figure I should probably qualify so she doesn't think I’ve been prying. “I got the gist, yeah.”

“Fantastic.”

“I’m so sorry, Cora.”

“Sure you are,” she mutters with a sniff, huddling deeper into her blanket cloak.

“What's that supposed to mean?” I frown, kicking myself for not resisting the bait. She doesn't need a fight today, and I know that, but I’m still so fucking keyed up from the drive over here.

“This is the part where you say ‘I told you so,’ right? You called it, you should get to take credit for it.”

“I didn't come here to gloat, Cora.”

“Well, you should, you were right.” She rolls her eyes and refuses to look back at me, staring stubbornly down the hallway.

“This isn't exactly the kind of thing I want to be right about.”

My own voice is getting thicker as I talk because her eyes are reddening and I can't stand to see how much she's hurting, and trying to act like she’s not. When she doesn't answer me, I ask in a gentler voice, “can I come in?”

She nods and blinks back her tears, reaching for me, and I’ve got her wrapped up in my arms as fast as I can close the distance between us. She rests her head on my chest. I bury my nose in her hair, fighting the overwhelming urge to kiss her or do anything else that would make this about me, rather than what she needs. But I’ve really missed this. Every other thought vacates my brain, other than how much I’ve missed this. The way she fits in my arms. The way her hair smells. The warmth of her. Holy shit, warmth…

“Jesus, you’re burning up,” I rearrange so I can press my cheek against her forehead, nuzzling closer despite myself, “have you taken anything?”

She shakes her head, not letting go.

“Why the hell not,” I whisper.

“Didn't think about it,” she shrugs. “Anyway, it’s your fault.”

It’s still so terrifying to see her like this, and I don’t mean the fever. This calm detachment. Just like the other night, at the diner. Trying to pretend it never happened. That can’t be good. I give her one more bracing squeeze before loosening my grip, adjusting her blanket around her shoulders.

“Yeah. Okay. Sorry about that. Uh, I’ll check your medicine cabinet. You go get in bed, I’ll be right there, okay? I mean, not, ahem, not in your bed, just… I’ll be right there with whatever fever reducer I can find… obviously…”

She purses her lips in what could be either a smile or a wince and lets me steer her back toward her bedroom, rubbing her back once before I split off to the bathroom on the other side of the hallway.

Her medicine cabinet’s pretty sparse… some floss, some Alka Seltzer, a bag of cough drops that expired in 1986… the last one actually makes me laugh out loud… and miraculously, an unopened bottle of nighttime cold medicine that has a fever reducer in it. I don’t know how she’ll feel about the nighttime part, but she definitely looks like she could use the sleep, so I’m going with it. I grab the bottle, double back to the kitchen to get a glass of water, remembering which cabinet is which from the night I did her dishes. When I meet her in her bedroom, she’s sitting up, still out of the covers, with a nervous look on her face.

“I can’t take this, it’ll put me to sleep for hours!” she whines when she sees the label.

“That’s the general idea, yes. Unless you want to lie and tell me you slept well last night. Go ahead, try it.”

Through a peeved sigh, she huffs, “no. I stayed on the couch. Barely slept.”

“That’s what I thought.”

“But if this stuff knocks me out, how am I supposed to help you pack?”

“You catch on quick, don’t you?” I sit on the foot of her bed, tugging the covers back to encourage her to climb under, and she obliges with a sour look on her face. “Look, I follow directions well, just tell me what I need to pack. You need to get as much rest as you can.”

“But what about Alex?”

“Let me worry about Alex.”

“Gee, what could possibly go wrong,” she quips, but she finally reaches out for the cup of dark green medicine I’m holding out for her. With a grimace, she downs it in one shot and washes it down with some of the water before letting me tuck her in like a little kid.

“Okay. I got most of his clothes into that suitcase already,” she nods at a huge bag on the floor, “there’s just the coat closet left. He’s got some stuff in the bathroom, that should be obvious enough. Everything in the den’s his -- not the furniture, but the TV, the video games, all that stuff. And then he has some things on the bookshelf, but I’ll have to talk you through that.”

“Or you could sleep and I could figure it out for myself.”

“You think so, do you?” She cocks an eyebrow and for a second, it’s like that detached fog has lifted. Jesus, I’ve missed her so much. I roll up my shirtsleeves to give myself a sensory distraction.

“Mmhmm. I’ve got a pretty good handle on your music taste, Red. What does he listen to, anyway?”

“Well, you can start with all the Elvis Costello --”

“-- oh, it fucking figures --”

“-- and the Springsteen, and the Zappa, and --”

She rattles off several more artists as I disappear around the corner and start pulling records off the shelves. What gets left behind in her collection is both a massive relief and a weird set of bedfellows: obviously, there’s the Doc Watson and the Hank Williams and the Johnny Cash and the Willie Nelson and the Woody Guthrie and the Pete Seeger and the Joni Mitchell and the Joan Baez and all the other hillbilly and/or hippie things I’d fully expect on her shelf. And among other things, she’s got a bunch of old blues and motown, a weird smattering of acid rock and heavy metal, what appears to be the complete discography of Tom Waits, ditto for Neil, and a few others I’m almost too afraid to ask about, just in case they’re Alex’s…

“Uhm… what about the Steely Dan albums?”

“Stay.”

Good girl. “Elton?”

“Go, sadly.”

“Right.” I keep them on the shelf but shove them back just a little. What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. “Books?”

Pretty much everything stays except the Asimov, Ayn Rand, Salinger… uhm… Hemingway and Steinbeck. You get the idea.”

That’s for sure. What a fucking prick this guy is. I start pulling titles and dropping them into the box. Every now and again, I’ll call one out to her for clarification, but she sounds increasingly sleepy, and after a while when I check in on her, she’s out cold. It doesn’t even wake her up when I make my way cautiously into her room to finish packing clothes in his suitcase and drag it down the hall. The rest of the apartment is pretty easy to sort out, and I’m taking no small joy in the catharsis of purging all traces of Alex from her place. Even his juvenile man-den takes no time at all to clear out, although I think I’ve pulled a muscle in my back moving his big stupid TV. I’m not going to tell her that, of course. Gotta keep some dignity here.

It’s about 11:00 when I’m pretty sure I’ve got all his bullshit piled up in the front room, and Cora’s still fast asleep. There’s one book title from her collection that stood out to me as being especially weird, even for her, so I snag it and stretch out on the couch to read it and pass the time. Every third or fourth sentence has me laughing, which of course still prompts disgusting coughing fits, so I do what I can to keep the noise down, but Cora doesn’t show any signs of waking. In what feels like no time at all, there’s a knock on the door and the clock is telling me it’s nearly noon.

Setting her book down and checking on her one last time on my way to answer the knock, because who’s in any great hurry to see this motherfucker anyway, I slowly make my way to the front door. His first reaction when I open it is to drop his jaw and turn an extremely unappealing shade of red. He’s looking sufficiently unwashed and exhausted and stressed out and pissed. All very good things.

“The fuck are you doing here?!”

“Keep your voice down, Alex, she’s sleeping.”

“Don’t tell me what to do, asshole, this is my apartment!”

“Mmm, not anymore, I don’t think.” It’s deeply gratifying to keep my voice as calm as possible while he gets more and more irate. I budge past him into the hallway, closing the door behind me so he won’t wake her up.

“So you’re just here playing house with my girlfriend, then??”

I lean against the door frame with my arms folded, maintaining steady eye contact while he incrementally loses his mind, even though he’s encroaching more and more on my personal space. I’ve never been big on the whole males-working-it-out-with-fisticuffs thing, but I’m sure as shit not going to let this dickweed intimidate me. 

“I don’t have to explain shit to you. And she’s not your girlfriend.”

“I fucking knew it, I knew there was something going on with you and her, you obnoxious fucking --”

“I just came over to pack up your stuff. She’s too sick to do it. That’s it. Make whatever you want out of it, I don’t care, just don’t wake her up.”

“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO, I’M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU --”

“Hey, Stone, is there a problem here?”

The voice that cuts through Alex’s screeching is a deep, calm, resonant kind of voice, of the kind that can quiet a noisy room without even raising its own volume. Over Alex’s shoulder, I watch Eddie appear from out of the stairwell, and as Alex whips around to face him, it takes every bit of my composure not to laugh. Eddie’s at least a full head and shoulders shorter than Alex, and by rights he’s like the least threatening guy I’ve ever met -- Jesus, he makes people friendship collages, who does that? -- but right now he’s got this crazy-eyed expression that, with his tightly wound posture, seems to fill the entire hallway with its intensity. It’s a look that immediately calls to mind cobras or other animals that can make themselves larger to unnerve predators. Or, in Eddie’s case, probably a non-venomous snake mimicking a cobra, a thought that is threatening to make me laugh even harder, but there’s no reason for Alex to know any of that.

Anyway, it’s working, to my delight and relief. Alex unballs his fists and takes a big step back.

“No problem, we’re just helping our friend Alex here move out of his former apartment today. Cora’s asked him to live elsewhere,” I explain to Eddie, who maintains a deep crease in his eyebrows and a fireball stare as he keeps his eyes fixed on Alex, nodding steadily.

“Sure, yeah, let’s get you moved out, friend.”

My rabid-faced, calm-voiced bandmate seems to be enough of a wild card to subdue Alex, who mutters something to the tune of, “fine, whatever, let’s get this over with.”

With Eddie’s help, it only takes a couple of trips between the three of us to dump all of Alex’s shit outside on the curb in front of his stupid Jeep, letting him pack it all inside. I wish I could say, for the preservation of my integrity, that I handled his belongings with the utmost care and didn’t accidentally crush a fragile item or six. But hey, I’m weak, I guess.

“SEEYA!” I chirp, waving enthusiastically, a shit-eating grin plastered on my face as Alex climbs into his truck with nothing more than a sad little “fuck you, asshole.”

Eddie maintains his cobra posture until the Jeep’s on its way out of the parking lot, before turning to me to ask, “hey, is Cora okay?”

“Ehhh, she’ll be fine,” I explain, heading back inside and holding the door open for him. “I mean she’s sick as hell, so that doesn’t help, but I think she’s alright.”

“Anything else I can do to help?” he tugs at his soul patch, frowning.

“Nah, I think running him off with our torches and pitchforks is plenty for now, thanks man. I appreciate you having my back there.”

“Hey, whatever the fuck happened, he wasn’t gonna make it any better by starting a fight outside her door.”

“Something tells me he wasn’t thinking that far ahead. Not a big thinker, that one.”

“Some kind of son of a bitch or other, too, for her to throw him out like that.”

“Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy. Hey, thanks again,” I repeat once we’ve come to her door. As he opens his mouth, I cut him off, “I’ll let you know if there’s anything you can do to help, for sure.”

With that, I wave to send him down the hallway to Jeff’s place and head back inside. So much for not waking her up… she’s parked on the couch, looking groggy and wary but impossibly gorgeous. And she’s ditched her blanket coat.

“Hey! You feeling better?”

“Mm,” she equivocates, “sort of. Fever’s gone, I think. For now.”

“Hope we didn’t wake you up with our friendly little gathering.” I sit next to her, moving the book I’d left propped open on the cushion over to the end table.

She toys with a tiny hole in the knee of her sweatpants. “Sounded ugly out there.”

“Well, given the company, that’s kind of a given.” The fact that she chuckles at my joke and doesn’t tell me to be nice about Alex is like a breath of fresh air after working all day in a mine. “But nobody died. And I’m pretty sure we got all his stuff.”

“Thanks, Stone,” she mumbles quietly, a little tremble in the way she says my name that threatens to do me in. “Really, thanks.”

“Don’t mention it. Did you manage to get some decent sleep?”

“Yeah, not bad,” she looks relieved at the change of subject. “The meds are still kicking my ass, so if I say anything incoherent, please be kind.”

“You got it.”

“Čapek?” she nods at the book, her voice sounding a little more assured.

“Yeah, well, I got done packing early, I had to pass the time somehow. You’ve got some crazy shit on those shelves, Red.”

“I love that one.” A tired smile spreads across her face. She’s prettier mid-flu than most women I know when they’re all dolled up. It’s unfair to womankind, really.

“Yeah? War With the Newts, 1936. Where the hell do you find this stuff?”

“Got it at a weird little used bookstore back in Asheville. You’re telling me you could resist that title? Come on, a sea captain discovers a race of highly intelligent newts, enslaves and exploits them, causing them to rebel until they finally conquer the world?”

“Hey! Spoilers!” I elbow her.

“Sorry, it’s just too good. How far did you get?”

“Definitely not into any overt newt-human conflict yet, I can tell you that much. The sea captain and that other guy were still debating how to use the newts in their pearl-harvesting scheme.”

“Oh, man, so you’re pretty early, you haven’t even gotten to my favorite part!”

“Which is?”

“Hey, spoilers,” she repeats, a wicked glint in her eyes.

“I think I’d rather hear you tell it, anyway.”

After chewing on her lip for a moment, she obliges. “Okay, you know how the newts develop a trusting rapport with the ship captain, kind of a symbiosis? Like, he sends them on diving missions to find pearls, and in return, they ask him for simple tools for their own developing society?”

“Right…”

“Well, they start to ask for more and more complicated tools, showing more and more of their own hidden intelligence, and the sea captain develops more and more affection for what he sees as his own pet newts, even though they hate him for exploiting their civilization. Very good imperialism satire, by the way.”

“Of course.”

“Well, coming up soon, that symbiosis starts to break down. One of them’s going to start menacingly asking a human for one object over and over, and then the newts all start to chant:” she holds her hand out and widens her eyes creepily, “‘knife? knife? knife?”

“Jesus,” I sputter. “So that’s the beginning of the end, then.”

“Yeah, it ends up being a pretty perfect skewer of nationalism, fascism, scientific hubris… really it’s the perfect sci-fi story.”

“Yeah, and it reads like something Douglas Adams would have written if he were alive in the ‘30s, it’s fucking hilarious.”

“I knew you were a quality human, Stone.”

I watch her cautiously, unsure how much to push her on such a fragile day, but unable to help myself. I mean, this is almost back to normal for us, right? Maybe she’s feeling better already. “Careful, I might start thinking we’ve graduated from a temporary ceasefire to a lasting peace.”

“You’re making a decent case for it today,” she fights a little smile. Hope sparks up in my chest, but now is definitely not the time to make a move, for fuck’s sake.

“So, uhm, you need anything else? You got enough food, that kind of thing?”

“I think I’ll survive, yeah.”

“Well, I mean, I did get you sick… Cornell brought me soup, I feel like I should pay it forward somehow… I still owe you dinner, anyway…”

“You don’t owe me dinner, Stone.”

“I mean it though, what’s your comfort food situation when you’re sick? Everyone has one.”

“You’re going to make fun of me.”

“Oh, most definitely, but I’ll still go out and get it for you.”

She crumples up her face, eyes shut tight. “Uhm… well, there was this one thing I always used to eat when I was a kid…”

“Lay it on me.”

“Tater tots…”

“Okay, that’s an unconventional choice for the flu, but it could be weirder…”

“...dipped in strawberry yogurt?”

“Nope. Okay, that’s it, we’re done here, you’re obviously history’s greatest monster.” I start to get up from the couch, wrinkling my nose in disgust, but she catches me by the wrist and tugs me back down, laughing. Predictably, I fold like a card table at her smallest touch.

“You promised!”

“Ughhh, fine, just don’t make me watch.” I stand up again less dramatically, and this time she lets me go, even though I’d prefer it if she didn’t.

“Wimp.”

“A simple ‘thank you’ would suffice.”

“Thanks, Stoner.”

“You bet.”

“I mean it. Thanks… for all of this. I don’t know how to tell you… how…” her eyes suddenly redden again, and she looks away, almost chuckling at herself with annoyance as she blinks furiously.

“Hey…” and I’m back on the couch next to her, my hand on her knee, trying to get her to look at me. “Hey, don’t worry about it, okay? Maybe go get a little more rest, I’ll be right back.”

“K.”

I give her a quick hug, which lingers as a hand on her back as she gets up and heads back to her bedroom. I wait until she’s out of sight before I throw on my coat and head out, renewing my resolve to just be her friend for as long as we can manage it, because that’s obviously what she needs the most.

***

“Hey… I’m back…”

I open my eyes to a swimming image of Stone sitting on the edge of my bed, still dressed for the outside weather, watching me through those huge, concerned owl eyes. I must have fallen asleep pretty quickly after he left.

“Hey.”

“Uhm, the food’s in the fridge. I got your requested grossness, plus a few other things that us normies eat when we’re sick, you know, in case you wanna try and assimilate.”

“K.”

“I think I’m gonna head out, let you get a little more rest. Lucy’ll probably be back in a few hours, she said she was gonna come straight over when she gets off of work.”

“Stone… please don’t go yet, I don’t want you to go…” I hardly know what I’m saying, my head’s still so fuzzy from the combination of cold medicine and interrupted napping, but I know I don’t want him to go anywhere yet. I don’t want to be alone in this place yet. I fumble for his hand to make sure my point gets across even through my inarticulateness.

“Oh...kay…” he nods, looking taken aback. “You want me to hang out on the couch until Lucy gets back? I can do that.”

“No…” I tug a little harder on his hand. “No, can you… can you stay here? Can you…” ugh, loser alert, “can you hold me for a little while?”  

Frown lines deepening on his face, he nods and stands up to shake off his coat, his baseball cap, his blue button-down. He nudges off his boots and then climbs in next to me, letting me curl up in the crook of one arm as he pulls the blanket up with the other.

“Better?” he asks quietly, once we’re situated. The answer is no, of course not, not really, but the words don’t want to be said. In an inescapable wave, every awful thought I’ve been pushing down since last night swamps over me. Like the feeling of waking up from a nightmare, discovering with sheer relief that none of it was real, except that the wires got crossed somewhere and only the horrible stuff was true all along. Only the worst things you think about yourself are left. That you’re not lovable, not even to the only person who ever tried, that you’re not good enough, that you’re a way station for other people until their Something Better comes along, a consolation prize, a dead weight. That everyone’s going to leave, eventually, one way or the other, and that you might not even be valuable enough to them to be worth leaving properly. That you can’t even take comfort in a moral high ground because deep down, you know you have the ability to treat people this way, too. The sobs shake out in terrible gasps against Stone’s chest, endless, bottomless. God, I hate that I’m doing this to him. Stone, of all people. I’ve got to get my shit together, this isn’t fair to him.

“I’m s-sorry…” I manage to choke out, once the oxygen decides to stay in my lungs long enough to let me.

“Jesus, what the hell for?” his fingers find their way into my hair and begin to rake slowly through it, repetitively, consistently, in a way that gives me something to think about other than… anything else. I wind my arm further around his middle, clutch the fabric of his t-shirt in my fingers, thread our legs together, hold onto him for dear life, trying to get as close as I can, and he responds with a steady embrace and a quick kiss on my forehead.

“You’re just,” I sniffle, trying to pull my shit together, “it’s just really unfair, it’s almost funny, how you’re like… the worst possible person for this job…”

“What job?”

“Listening to me cry over Alex. Like a fucking idiot.”

“You’re not a fucking idiot.”

“God, this is so stupid, I don’t even know why I’m crying, it’s not like I want him back…” I wipe my cheeks, but there’s nothing I can do about the puddle on his shirt.

“That’s fair enough. There’s no excuse for what he did.”

His words cause an uncomfortable twinge, a familiar one. “Yeah, except I did the same thing to him.”

“Huh?” Stone cranes his neck to look down at me, disbelief etched all over his face.

“With you.”

“Uh-uh. No.” He rests his head back on the pillow and resumes his compulsive stroking of my hair. “Our thing was totally different.”

Was…Our thing was totally different. Granted, last week feels like it happened a year ago, but I’m not sure I’m ready to bury it under the past tense yet. I guess Stone is. Ouch. There’s a thought I don’t want to dwell on today.

“Uh… enlighten me.”

“Well, for one thing, you’re a pretty bad liar.”

“I’m sorry Stoner, is this you trying to make me feel better?!”

“You know what I mean. You wear your feelings --” he interrupts the rhythm of his hand to perch it on my shoulder “-- right here. And your whole Jiminy Cricket conscience muscle is way too overdeveloped. You could never do what he did. The sheer amount of deception involved in that kind of two-timing is fucking staggering.”

“Yeah, even to her.”

“Huh?”

“The girl. Cindy. She didn’t know about me either.”

For a second time, Stone arches his neck to try to get a better look at me. “No way.”

“Way.”

“Holy shit.”

“Yeah.”

“She didn’t know he had a girlfriend??”

“She seemed as shocked to learn about me as I was about her.”

“But, like…” he continues to gape in confusion, so exaggeratedly that it’s almost funny, “she came over to your house? Did she not notice that there are pictures of you guys together here? Like, all over the place?”

I don’t know why, but picking the situation apart like this with him actually helps me get a little distance from it again. Good. I don’t know if I can stand another attack of pathetic sobs in front of a witness. “Yeah, well, our Cindy didn’t strike me as the brightest tool in the drawer.”

He snorts as he relaxes back down again. “God, I love you. That’s another difference, by the way.”

“Well, don’t tell anyone, but likewise. But they were together for a year, Stone, I’m sure similar language was involved.”

“And that’s another thing,” he carries on, undeterred, “the length of time! Jesus! Who does that?? Fucking asshole, that’s who.”

“Well, anyway, I’m sorry. For snotting up your shirt and everything.”

“Who’s the snot otter now?” he smirks. “Anyway, don’t. You’re allowed. You just got your heart broken, you get a free pass for all kinds of obnoxious shit.”

Once again, I don’t know what to say other than thanks, and I feel like I’ve already said that so many times that it’s going to get stuck in my throat if I try again. But another thought occurs.

“Have you ever?”

“What?”

“Had your heart broken?”

“Oh, sure, lots of times. I mean, sometimes I’ve been on the other end of it, but yeah, of course.”

“Tell me about it?”

He’s silent for a moment. “Well, the first one’s always the worst, right? I’d had a couple of girlfriends in high school, but the first one I ever really loved was this girl, Annie. This was like, sophomore and junior year, so real revolting puppy love shit. Writing her name in my notebook, walking her home from school, talking for hours on the phone at night, all that stuff. Anyway, she left a note in my locker at the end of the year telling me that she’d decided to get back together with her ex. And that was it. Didn’t see her all summer, and when we went back to school in the fall, she acted like she didn’t know me.”

“Fuck. That must have been hard.” I wrap myself even tighter around him, wanting to insulate someone so good from ever being treated so cruelly. He responds in kind with a rib-cracking squeeze.

“It was. For a while. You get over it, though.”

“For the sake of argument, I will pretend what you said is not, in fact, a crock of shit and ask you the obvious question: how?”

He shakes with one of those tiny laughs I’ve come to love, the kind that seems to get stuck in his nose. “I don’t know, you kinda… you go through this stage where everything that happens to you, or around you, reminds you of that person, because you’re so used to telling one person everything on your mind, and sharing everything, and all of your stories point to them, they’re you’re reference for everything, like your…” he grimaces at his own word choice, “your North Star, or whatever. So it’s like there’s salt in the wound, constantly…”

“Sounds awful.”

“Yeah, it is. But after enough time goes by, other people start becoming new focal points for you, and you have new stories that are tied to those people, and they kinda start to fill in the sky with other constellations, until that one person doesn't seem so prominent anymore. And then one day you’re squinting at the sky, trying to figure out how that person was ever such a big deal at all.”

Past tense, present tense, whatever we are, however confusing my situation with Stone has gotten, this is exactly what I need right now: to be curled up in his arms, letting him run his fingers through my hair, while he climbs the ladder and hangs the stars back up in the sky one by one. Just like he said he would.

[snugglyporos]

So! I decided to watch Super Sentai Jetman. I’ve seen a bit of sentai before, specifically a lot of Fiveman, but I’ve never watched Jetman before. Jetman came out in 1991, and the series that followed it Zyuranger, was adapted to Power Rangers. Now, I love me some cheese, and I’m a huge fan of foreign media from this time. I love this sort of weirdness, and even the stuff I don’t like, I can appreciate. 

But holy shit guys, I was not expecting the trip this series starts on. Let me make something clear, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a series that crammed so much insane shit into 18 minutes of footage. 

Like, within thirty seconds of the start, we have two characters, and there’s a robot shooting lasers everywhere, and then suddenly we’re on a space station, and a woman is tossing her baby up in the air, and our two main characters independently catch the baby and press a button which stops the robot from shooting lasers everywhere. Also, the male gets shot like four times and is fine, so I’m not sure why this required ninja police? But also the woman catches the baby, and I’m not sure if that’s sexism or not. The weirdness of living almost thirty years after this was made in another culture. 

Anyway, you might think that this man and woman are our main characters, because they’re immediately brought up to the space station to be turned into super heroes, using ‘birdonic waves’ which is wonderfully silver age comic for me. I’m all about stupid weird science stuff that doesn’t need to be explained, and a giant plexiglass tubes that glow and shoot lighting to give super powers. 

Anyway, the woman rather wisely asks ‘is this going to mess us up’ which is something comic protagonists should learn about before signing up with military outfits to get super powers. I immediately began suspecting something was up when they started mentioning like four times how these two never want to be apart and given this was 1991, this woman might as well have been wearing a giant sign saying ‘DEAD’ in big bold letters. 

Well anyway, then some guy with half a cone face shows up and broadcasts himself across the world. Not just with like, illusions in the sky, no that’s not extra enough. Guy fucking broadcasts through people’s coffee cups and stuff. Like bro, all they can see is your eye, why are you broadcasting through there? 

Anyway, which you should get used to, because this entire episode is basically ‘anyway, scene transition,’ suddenly he blows up the space station! Oh no! It only had two days till retirement! But also, the girlfriend of our protagonist doesn’t just die, she gets like, horribly sucked out a fucking air lock into space. The protagonist is understandably broken up, and our chief character punches him in the face and carries him to a plane and they fly out back to earth. 

Also the chief is a woman. Don’t know if I mentioned that yet. She’s a badass. Also, she beats up our protagonist like three times because he keeps wanting to go find his love who got sucked out an airlock. Anyway, apparently destroying the SCIENCE! machine caused waves to go hit random people, and now they also have powers? 

So it’s off to find them! Now we get our varied cast! Which begins with the pink one, which is fine, who is apparently like, a closeted housewife character? But she immediately goes disney princess on us and is like ‘I’m so glad I can save the world because my life is so boring!’ and I’m like shit you realize you’re signing up to fight aliens and shit, right? Well, alright then! I’m not sure I like her. Though I do like the fact that she keeps calling what they’re turning into ‘gentlemen’ and not ‘jetman.’ Also, I’m pretty sure she keeps saying ‘gentlemen’ in english for some reason. 

Then it’s off to find the yellow guy, who at present might be my favorite character. Red is a bit too emotionally distraught constantly, and chews scenery like you wouldn’t believe, and Pink at present seems like her character isn’t geared towards me. Yellow meanwhile is a slighty overweight farmer, who literally does not give a shit about saving the world. Like this guy has his rake, and his vegetables, and the world can fucking burn for all he cares, he’s got farming to do! 

Red immediately gives up on him. Like, no second attempt, just is like ‘welp he said no, guess it’s pointless!’ Pink on the other hand is like ‘I think I can handle this.’ Which I for one give her props for, because she’s clearly used to winning people over. Yellow and Pink go eat some of Yellow’s cucumbers, which apparently are very good. So farmer Yellow over here is pretty good at farming. Good to know. 

This is where I realized that Yellow is my favorite so far. He mentioned in no uncertain terms that he hates violence and doesn’t like fighting. he’s just a humble farmer who wants to farm his crops. Well, apparently for whatever reason, I assume because the plot says so, the bad guy sprinkles some foot soldiers onto the guy’s farm. Also, the bad guy brings out monsters and foot soldiers by super imposing his hand through reality and then like, sweats onto the world, I think? 

Anyway, seeing the foot soldiers ruining his precious vegetables, Yellow immediately forgets that whole ‘hating violence’ thing, picks up a rake, and starts going to town on alien foot soldiers. Just like ‘I was going to let the world be taken over by extra dimensional alien horrors, but then they ruined my vegetables, and now it’s a blood feud.’ 

Now the fight scenes are... weird. Mostly because there’s a lot of green screen. Also there’s an untransformed explosion where it looks like neither of the actors were prepared for the explosion right behind them. In any case, this is perhaps the first time where I realize yet another difference between sentai and what they adapted for power rangers. 

So there’s this trope in the west with super powers where like, you have a normal person who can’t fight, and then they get super powers, and then they can fight. Not in this series. They toss yellow and pink off a god damn cliff, and then they morph, and then yellow just straight up face plants into a fucking tree. Like that’s his first entry into being a hero, just straight face checks a tree and I laughed so hard because it was entirely not what I was expecting. I fully expected the trope, and no, there’s no trope. 

Also, the red guy, the only guy who actually has any training, is the only one who fights, while the other two basically try to survive, because again, they took two untrained civilians and tossed them into combat, and the expected result occurred. Remember in power rangers where they went to extreme lengths to show that they all had like, basic combat training? Yeah, fuck that. These two got nothing. And it’s actually... endearing? Pink acts like you would expect an upper class woman who just got thrown into a melee would act, and yellow survives by virtue of him being himself. At one point he accidentally hugs one of the foot soldiers, and like, stares him straight in the face, yells, which causes the foot soldier to yell, like neither of them were entirely prepared for any of this shit. 

Meanwhile, Red is off kicking everyone’s ass. Because he does that. Also, he’s got like, major problems with the interdimensional alien david bowie fanclub. So he fights the monster solo, and for some reason the bad guy gets scared and... saves his monster? That’s new. Usually villains don’t give a shit about their monsters. This guy goes ‘oh no! Mild resistance! quick, grab him and take him back!’ 

Also this guy is apparently eating people. Including children! That’s new. 

Anyway, then we cut to disapproving female boss who looks like she is eight kinds of done with all of this, likely wondering how the hell they’re going to make this work, and also if the other two are going to be as big a pain as the current two. 

Then we cut back to the david bowie fan club, and introduce our villains, who are all introduced by having the camera be at weird angles. Also, I’m pretty sure the one called ‘Maria’ is the Red guy’s girlfriend that got sucked out the air lock. Just a theory. 

And that’s episode one. All of that happened in 18 minutes. That’s insanity. I’ve got 52 episodes to get through. We haven’t even met Black and Blue yet! I’m honestly a little surprised about how much they play up the fact that basically only one of them is at all useful. Like he’s gotta fly a giant flying bird, and I’m just imagining the rest having to go through flight training on top of combat training and just... 

Man this series starts well. This is everything I love about weird ass silver age comics in a tv show. It’s madness and it just works. 

[zombies-apocalypse]

Gargoyles - Awakening

Gonna do all four, five parts in this one post. 

I know, I know. I’ve been doing the read more thing lately. It’s not my usual fare, but hey, it’s November. I’m NaNoing so... Yeah, you know the drill.

Part 1

Ahh, this animation style. It’s just straight up nostalgia - ELISA MAZA. My girl! <3 Man, I’ve missed her! 

Clawmarks in solid stone. GASP. I wonder what that could have been caused by!

Back to the past!

Why doesn’t that guy’s mustache match his hair?

Sun’s looking real low there, boys. 

Ahh, Goliath. How I have missed you, big guy! And that voice. A+ voice.

So, kid' show. Remember. I don’t even know how many of these people are dead now. At least a few have fallen to their deaths. In the first episode.  Cause in Gargoyles, shit like this happens. 

Royal bitch lady and even the soldiers griping about the Gargoyles. Bitch, please. Ya’ll owe them so much. Beasts? Beasts in the dining hall? Jeez, don’t be an ass. Ugggh. Those assholes.

I’m sitting here on Demona’s side. And not anymore. Not down with the bowing. Goliath being reasonable. Good guy Goliath. Such a sweetie, such a good guy. I’m so, so sorry for what he’ll have to go through soon.

Seriously. Goliath’s voice. Goddamn. Goddamn!

Okay, that mom was rude but you don’t need to be making matters worse by scaring the bitch-ass peasants.

Ugh. Okay, so I don’t like that it’s Vikings coming to attack (cause I like Vikings) but this is just all a human problem. This cowardace, betrayal... Uggggh. And the poor innocents who have to pay. The children and the Gargoyles. And so many defenseless Gargoyles murdered.

I remind you, this is a kid’s show.

Part 2

Ahhh, I’ve gotten how much I loved the opening music for this. Such an epic theme! Hyping me up for the upcoming adventure!

I don’t blame them for wanting revenge. I’d want revenge too.

Of course they’d follow for revenge, you dumbass! You didn’t kill all of them. 

Ugggh. The Magus blaming the Gargoyles for the princess being killed. Even though they didn’t do it. Oh man, this curse. It’s not their fault, you assfart. And the princess still lives!

Mad props to Goliath for saving the Princess who was a bitch. Also mad props to the princess for realising the Gargoyles were not the beasts she thought. Ahhh. My heart though. Goliath choosing to be spelled rather than be alone. (Although honestly, he could’ve just waited until the eggs in the rookery hatched and then he wouldn’t be alone cause he could raise them.

Bitch just legit ran all the way inside and up the stairs. So excited to see Goliath. Makes it clear from the start that Xanatos is extra AF.

“Pay a man enough and he’ll walk barefoot into hell.”

Seriously, how much money does this motherfucker have? Cause he’s paying to buy a castle and paying everything to take at least some chunks of it and affix it on top of his skyscraper.

And the curse is broken! Woo! Their reaction to the city though. A+. 

Xanatos, you extra mother fucker.

Oh, the eggs are gone. RIP. Although it has been 1000 years...

I’m just shaking my head at this entire fight. 

LOL. “These weapons. We must be fighting sorcerers!” 

Oh, and now we’re seeing what lead to the beginning of the first episode. Hello Elisa. 

No, Goliath. Don’t trust Xanatos. Oh no, wait, trust humans. Just not that one. 

Part Thre?e

Seriously though, how were girls supposed to watch this show without getting a crush on Goliath? Just saying. 

And hell, Elisa. Elisa’s a babe too. Can we talk about her? How she’s smart, brave, and awesome. A badass babe who’s a damn good detective with a lovely heart. And she’s a POC! And a main character!  Legit, she’s  African/Native American. She was always  meant to be a POC. Originally they had her as Hispanic, but when they cast her voice actress they changed Elisa to match. And this in a show that came out in 94!

So Elisa just met Goliath during all the time that I was babbling about Elisa.

Dude, I don’t do heights so I can’t blame her one bit for clinging.

Ahh, these two. “A good detective trusts no one.” “That much we have in common.” You say that, you both say that. But nahhh, you’re cinnamon rolls underneath all that distrust.

Floppy! That’s a floppy! AHH. VHS!

Hi Demona. Think I didn’t recognise you in those shadows there? 

This show is sometimes really pretty.

“Stay outta sight.” Solid advice that will quickly be forgotten.

AHH. Just scooped her up! And that smile. AHH. Bridal style. Ahhhh.

Gods, this music. XD

Meanwhile, back at the castle. The newly named Hudson is walking around with their pouty pupper. And getting startled by rock’n’roll.

Jesus lady. A car with a carphone in 94? 40 grand... You’re talking like he brought it from some junkyard.

Meanwhile, the other three are blowing up some guy’s motorbike.

Oh, well. Who knew a single tranq dart would be enough to take down a Gargoyle. Or did they get him a few more times after that. I don’t know. 

Part 4

Dunnnn, dun dun dun dun dunnnnnn! 

There’s my girl, kicking some ass! They underestimated her. Also they don’t know how to aim.

Oh god, don’t try calling a taxi. That won’t end well. Yup, there he goes. 

Yup, just a single tranq dart. Just one. Just now taken off. And a tracker. 

Elisa the beast whisperer. Taming wild dogs long enough to put the tracker on him. Smart girl.

Hudson and puppers are getting used to the idea of television. Oh, I saw The Lion King for a second there. I see what you did there Disney. 

And Elisa now knows he turns to stone during the day. Brave girl, catching their eye and leading them away. You know she’s gotta be exhausted. It’s been a long night for her and yet she’s still being a champion. Gods, I love her.

Again, their aim is rubbish while hers is on point. Go Elisa! <3

That lighting though, when the blond baddie stepped over the crack. Ahhhh.

Also what part of New York city is this that has a dock and a waterfall? 

This guy is an idiot. Again, underestimating my girl. 

Moment of awe and respect for Elisa. Leading those jackasses away, risking her life, and then returning to guard Goliath! <3 

Brooklyn! Broadway! Lexington! Ahhh, my precious boys! And let’s not forget our adorable Bronx! <3 

And NOW. NOW he reveals that Demona’s there. Insert gasp of shock from Goliath. And sinister look from Demona, a character who was never very good. And full of bullshit. Yeah, sure. He acquired her for his private collection, but she implied she asked to be cursed by the magus to be with them. AHH Goliath, you’re still in wuv with the bitch. 

Ugggh, Goliath, sweetie. She’s no good. 

Of course the Elevator is different. You’re looking at the mechanics that pull it up and down, not the one people ride in. Such a good detail there.

Part 5

FLOPPY ACQUIRED.

I feel bad for all the frightened scientists in that building. Jeez, imagine their nightmares after that.

Talk of monsters, you say? As if your people haven’t fought them before, eh? It almost smacks of a miscommunication. Of course, the defenders dressing differently from the attackers don’t seem to register to the Gargoyles. Then again, they have yet to see a reason not to trust Demona and Xanatos. Poor darlings. 

Second floppy acquired.

NYOOM.

And now for Goliath and Demon to complete their mission... Success, but of course Demona fucks up their poor ship because she gives no shits about the well-being of humans. Splash. At least they had a softish landing in the water. Some of them should’ve survived. Most probably died.

Again, this is a kid’s show.

Ahhh, that hate. Hating all the humans for the sins of a few who are long gone. 

Ahhh, the truth comes out! The attackers are from Xanatos’ company. No one had stolen anything from him. He sent them after disks that didn’t belong to him! Gasp! He used them from the beginning! Colour me shocked! (Which I’m not, of course.) And of course Demona’s in on it. 

Dudeee, the Goliath bots. I forget what they’re called. But goddamn are they cool.

That isn’t a very sturdy bot, Xanatos. Should’ve made them more impact resistant. 

I’d ask why he bothered with waking up Goliath and his friends to begin with, but it’s more cost effective to have a self-healing attack dog than a robotic one. Obviously he was hoping he’d get the actual Gargoyles on his side, expecting them to play nice - which he did very well except with Goliath himself.

Ah, Demona with a rocket launcher. 

Ahhh, the reveal. Demona had betrayed them along with the captain. Tsk tsk. And now everyone hears it. 

Elisa to the rescue! Woo! 

Oh no, they both fell! And Demona’s wings got hit! And Goliath caught Elisa, but not Demona who fell out of view. Bye bitch. See ya later.

And Xanatos has been arrested. I don’t recall how long that lasts.

“Good, maybe we’ll catch a Giants game.” “Giants?” Ahahaha, he has no idea what she’s talking about and it’s precious.

[marvul-imagines]

friendly neighborhood hellraiser pt1

Libby stared at her reflection for a moment. It was just another day of school. Just another day at the place she considered her own personal hell. Not that was all that much different from the life of any other highschooler, if she was being honest. But what was a newly turned 18 year old to do? Her dad would have her head if she ever quit school. The guy watching over her now...her second adoptive father (that was another, much longer story) would probably kick her out of his new, sweet penthouse. Which wasn't exactly ideal either. She didn't want to be homeless. Adjusting the band on her black leggings, before fixing her red, cashmere sweater. It had been a gift from her adoptive father, Steve Rogers (that's right folks, you heard it here first) two Christmases ago. Before all this nonsense with the Sokovia Accords went down. Back when they were a family. Back when he wasn't missing. Back when she wasn't living under the watchful eye of Tony Stark.

The young blonde gave one last look at the mirror when Friday spoke. "Miss Rogers, your ride to school is waiting downstairs. How long should I tell him?" Her voice was always warm, if slightly robotic. It was what she imagined a mother's tone to be like. Not that she'd ever know.

So Libby sighed, pulling her wavy, ash blonde hair into a loose ponytail. "Tell Happy I'll be there in two minutes. Heading to the elevator now." Today was just going to be another day. Another day of being Captain America's adopted kid. It was nice being Libby Rogers for a while, it really was. After the Battle of New York, everyone really seemed to like having her around. Maybe it was only because of who her dad was, but, it was better than being ostracized. Which was what she was now. After everything that happened, her father and Tony fighting, the whole word watching, watching as her family fell apart and her dad was put on the most wanted list. It wasn't easy to say the least.

She grabbed her black backpack and slipped into her boots, before making her way out of her room and towards the elevator. "How's the forecast today, Friday?" she asked, as the metal shoot dropped her down, down, down.

"Cold, Miss Rogers. Currently 42 degrees. Rain is expected later today. Would you like an umbrella?" the voice automatically chimed back without missing a beat.

"No, that's ok," Libby replied, adjusting the straps on her bag. She liked the rain, even though it turned her long hair into a giant tangled mess. "Tell Tony I'll be back later than usual, I'm going to do some studying after school. I won't be long." She had a history project coming up and wanted to do some work away from her new, hightech home. Ever since Tony had taken her in, school had been ten times easier, what with a computer that would literally answer all her questions. But that wasn't how Libby liked doing things. She liked working stuff out on her own. She wanted her report to be 100% Libby Rogers built.

"Will do. Enjoy your day at school, Miss Rogers," Friday said as Libby exited the building and walked to the curb, where Happy Hogan was waiting, black car parked and purring, back door opened for her. The tinted windows were there as usual, only the best bullet proof Stark money could buy. Or invent.

"Good morning, Miss Rogers," Happy greeted in his thickly accented voice. You could tell this guy was raised out east just buy hearing him speak.

"Happy, I told you to call me Libby. Seriously," the blonde replied with a roll of her green eyes. "Just because Tony is your boss doesn't mean I need any special treatment."

"Yea, yea, I know Libby. I'm sorry, let's just get in and get you on your way," he replied, helping her into the car with a small grin, before slamming the door tightly. It would be a quick ride to school, even with traffic.

Libby relaxed into the car seat, pulling up her phone and browsing the news. Only thing remotely interesting was how the local hero (besides either of her fathers) Spiderman had stopped yet another bank robbery. The guy hadn't been in the news for long, but he sure was making a name for himself. It must have been nice, being able to do some good in the world. That was one thing Libby always struggled with. Being around all these amazing people, yet never being able to do anything quite so powerful, quite so good. Her father had done so much good before he had gone into hiding. She missed him so much.

She shut her phone and shoved it into her bag, staring out the window instead, jaw clenched as she rode out the wave of sadness washing over her. She didn't even noticed Happy studying her in the rear-view mirror. He hated seeing her this way, the way she always got when she was thinking about her family. He knew she put up a strong front, but that didn't make it any easier on the poor kid. Regardless of what she said, he knew better. Things could not have been as easy at school as she was always saying. He'd have to drop a note to Mr. Stark later, tell him to follow up or something. Tony would figure something out, he always did.

"Alright kiddo, here we are," Happy announced, pulling up infront of Midtown School of Science and Technology. "Just give me a ring when you're ready for a ride home, or whatever you need, alright?" He said, opening the door for her, even though she always asked him not to. It made people stare, she always protested. But he did it regardless, every day. It was chivalrous. And kind of his job.

"Alright Happy, see ya," Libby replied with a small wave as she slipped her headphones over both ears, drowning out everything else as she put Imagine Dragons on Spotify.

She walked lazily into the school, slipping between crowds and bystanders, not really paying attention. No one waved to her anyways, no one stopped to say hello. No one ever did, not since half of the Avengers had become Public Enemies. Not since the FBI pulled her out of her science lab to interrogate her on the location of Steve Rogers. No one wanted to be friends with the girl whose dad turned out to be the bad guy. Which he didn't, not really. He just didn't want a set of laws determining when he could or couldn't save someone's life. Libby understood it, she got it so well. That was part of the reason she loved her father so much, he was so effortlessly good. So right. He was Captain America for a reason, even if he wasn't really following that moniker anymore. He was still the best in her eyes, anyways. Always had been since he'd rescued her from another year of foster home living. That was why she spent half of her free time now researching him, trying to find the latest sightings of Steve Rogers, man on the run. He had to be out there somewhere. She would find him, eventually.

She was so lost in thought that she didn't see the locker door open right in front of her, knocking her flat to the floor. She practically saw stars as she rubbed her forehead, knowing there would probably be a bump there later.

"Peter, what the hell?" She heard a low voice say. "How can you have these great senses and not even notice a person right in front of you?"

"Ned shh," another male voice replied. As Libby blinked, looking up, and found herself staring into a set of caramel brown eyes, and a pale hand extending down towards her. "Hey, I'm, um, really sorry. That was completely my fault. Wasn't paying attention."

"You don't say," Libby replied dryly, but she accepted his hand, letting him pull her up from the floor. He did it with almost surprising ease. Her eyes narrowed as she studied him. He had cropped brown hair, almost the same colour as his eyes, and wore a baggy shirt that almost hid how broad his shoulders were.

"You're, um, Libby, right? Libby Rogers?" He asked again, scratching the back of his head.

"Holy shit, Peter, you just knocked Captain America's daughter to the ground!" his friend elbowed the guy, presumably Peter, in the ribs. "Tony Stark is probably going to string you up from the top of his building using whatever that super strong stuff you-"

The guy covered his friend's mouth with his hand, glaring at him. "We don't talk about that here," he whispered, but Libby still heard him. After he removed his hand, he turned back to the blonde girl. "Seriously, Libby, I'm so sorry. Let me make it up to you somehow. Have lunch with us or something?"

Libby could practically feel her heart leap out of her chest. Someone wanted to have lunch with her? That hadn't happened in months. "Um sure," she replied, trying to sound as cool as possible about it, even though inside she was ridiculously excited. Embarrassingly so. Who got this excited about lunch anyways??

"Ok, cool, cool," The guy said again, adjusting the backpack that hung lazily over one of his shoulders. "I'll see you around then," he said, starting to walk off with his friend.

"Wait," she said suddenly, stopping him in his tracks. He swiveled around, piercing her with those brown eyes again. She knew them, from somewhere. Where had he seen him before? Besides school, obviously. Something about him seemed too familiar. "I never got your name," she said, cautiously.

He grinned back at her, walking backwards down the hall as he replied back, "The name's Peter. Peter Parker."

[eternium-complex-blog]

Eternium Basement: Robot Rock

   The cramped one roomed apartment echoed with the ending theme of the "Robo-Hero" animated series. Davis quietly hums along. On his desk, next to his small monitor, lays an unfinished model of the "Dragon-Rex". Legacy edition; the gold and black version. When not watching, studying, or designing his own mecha; Davis enjoys collecting and assembling various model kits of his favorite me has. His room is a shrine to this passion.

"The show is simple, but it's a classic. Robo-Hero is the standard of all mecha heroes." He's in the middle of a lecture given to no one. Inside his head he is a professor, but outside he’s as quiet of a student you can get besides not being in class at all. "Nowadays the shows focus more on the drama of the pilots. Which allows for more interesting stories and giving credit to the pilots finally. Robo-Hero had like four and hardly anyone even knew... But nothing is going to beat Robo-Hero fighting a new monster of the week while giving insightful wisdom."

   He walks from his apartment building to the college. It's a short walk. Saves him a fortune not having to get a car. It's always colder in the mornings than the rest of the day. However, weather rarely dictated his wardrobe. He always wore his replica mecha pilot jacket. It bore some of the patches of his favorite mecha pilots like DinoCzar, Ace, Overlord, and of course an old Robo-Hero patch.

"The culture changed. People wanted less aliens and giant monsters, and more realism and internal struggle. Of course this wasn't just happening to mecha shows, but all facets of media. Though I think if you want realistic mecha fights you should just watch the actual mecha league tournaments. The shows are just there to promote toys and Saturday morning entertainment. The point I'm trying to make is... leave my cartoons alone."

   Davis arrives on campus. What follows is a montage of sitting in classes, listening to professors, walking to classes, and completing homework as it's being turned in. His first class is Art Theory. They are currently going over character design and how to tell a story through a character's appearance. The teacher, harmlessly joking, points out Davis and how him always wearing the pilots jacket shows his commitment and passion. Davis nervously chuckles along not knowing how to respond. The other students also playfully laugh, but then begin analyzing themselves on what they wore.

"Take someone like the classic Robo-hero." The professor continues her lecture. "Just looking at him and you get everything you need to know about him. Broad shoulders, big arms and legs, and of course his cape. Waving heroically behind him. Now look at the current champion, Overlord. Much more intricate with spikes and more accurate proportions, and horns resembling a crown. He also has a cape, but his silhouette is much more foreboding isn't it. This fits his character. The contrast to the classical heroes of before. This will be important for all you future mecha designers and engineers." She looks again to Davis.

    It is a small class, so she always singled out students. Davis liked the class and her, but hated being used as an example. The next class after this is an advanced math course. A mandatory for engineer majors.

    After the class Davis has a waiting period of 40 minutes. So he goes to the commons.

"The show actually gets the colors wrong on Robo-Hero. He has a more orange coloring to him. Where as the show gave him a red paint job to appeal more to kids." Davis imagines himself saying back in his art class. He wishes he could be quick witted and able to say something whenever he's put on the spot. When he's with friends he's sharp, but around strangers and in public he shuts off.

    His internal lecture is interrupted by the empty seat across from him becoming inhabited.

"Hey you finish the homework?" His best friend, Matt, asks hopeful. Hoping to copy off of him.

"Yeah... before I turned it in." Davis responds.

"Shit you turned it in?" Matt asks desperately.

"Yes. I have the class before you. What you expect me to not turn in my work just so you can copy?"

"Yeah..."

"No, screw you. Don't make me your last chance to get your work done. Hell I was barely finishing it when I was turning it in."

    They both laugh and continue talking to eachother over their typical topics; mechas, shows, people they don't like, and classes. The two of them have been friends since middle school. They shared the passion for mechas and both agreed to follow their dreams together.

    Their passion however stemmed from slightly different motives. Davis saw them as real life heroes, and desperately desired to be just like them. Matt however was slightly less noble. Matt puts it simply; "chicks dig giant robots."

"Anyways, there's this bonfire party thing on the beach tonight. We should go. It should be fun. Get us out for a bit. Maybe find you a girl." Matt hops his eyebrows up and down.

"Ehh... I don't know." Davis thought about it. Parties really weren't his scene. "Besides, Uncle Mac is making sloppy Joes tonight."

    The man they were referring to isn't actually their uncle, but the overseer of their apartment building. Since most of the residence there are students who can't or for some reason refuse to live directly on campus; he took it upon himself to look after all of them. Wether it be simply feeding them, or waiving certain fees the students couldn't afford.

    The two of them debate about it. Their need for free food greatly out weightes their need for a social life. Despite this however, Matt came up with a compromise.

"Well the thing is like all night. We can go check it out after we eat."

    They both agree on the plan and go their separate ways when classes resume. They only share one class through out the whole day, Mecha engineering. Since Davis started earlier than Matt, his day ends sooner. He's back at the apartment by 3 o'clock. He stops by the community kitchen in the building on his way to his room. Uncle Mac is already in there slow cooking the pork. Another resident is also in the kitchen talking to Uncle Mac, Tai.

    Uncle Mac notices Davis and greets him.

"Ayy, Davy! How was your day?"

"Good." Davis never really knew how to answer that question. Even if he did have a bad day, he felt it easier and better to just say "good" anyways. Not mix anyone in his problems. "Matt told me about this bon fire party thing. So I guess we're going to that later."

"So you tellin me I made all this food for nutin?" Uncle Mac responds with fake agitation.

"Oh no. Believe me there isn't much that we'd miss your food for. Nah, we decided we'd check it out after we eat."

"Yeah you best not be skippin out on my meals." He laughs to himself as he goes back to stirring some gravy in a pan. "Tai you going to this party too?"

"No, no. I... i don't party." Davis could be quiet and shy when around new people or put on the spot, but this was nothing compared to Tai all the time.

"Boy what you mean you don't party? You too cool to party?" Uncle Mac begins to shimmy to music only he can hear. "Everybody party's. When I was your age you'd only find me at a party." Uncle Mac and Davis laugh together as he begins to show them how he would party. Within the confined space of the kitchen. Even Tai got a kick out of it.

"I just have a lot of homework and studying. Can't really party." Tai responds.

"Yeah no, that's important. Keep it up... I'm just saying don't be afraid to let loose a little. Shack em bones of yours. You're young use that energy.

    Davis remembers that he too has homework he has to get done before heading to the party. He takes his leave and heads for his room. He sits down at his desk and begins to work. He tells himself not to turn on the TV, listen to music, or use his phone until he at least finishes 2 assignments.

    Once he feels as though he's done enough to not feel guilty. He turns on his TV and starts work on his "Dragon-Rex" model, hoping to finish it finally. After awhile he checks his phone and sees a message telling him that food is ready. He heads downstairs to the kitchen and gets his plate. They eat outside in front of the building. This was their typical dinning area since they don't have one inside. Matt shows up a bit later and starts eating with them.

    Once they finished eating, Matt and Davis left for the beach. As they approach they could the various sounds of the party going on. They finally arrive and it goes about how they expected. The two of them off to the side together complaining about everything and making fun of everyone. Matt occasionally breaking off to get a drink or talk to someone.

    Things start to pick up when a "rival" of theirs, Gary a fellow mecha engineer major, showed up in a small mecha he "built himself".

"Wow look, Gary brought his own walker." Davis remarks enthusiastically.

"Yeah it's be impressive if it could the one thing you know... walk." Matt responds sharply.

    It is true the self-made monstrosity could barely work. Anytime it actually tried to walk it struggled and a loud grinding noise could be heard.

"Like why go bi-pedal if you don't know how to properly install hydraulics? Go treads and save yourself the embarrassment. I'm surprised he even got the balancing right." Davis comments taking a sip of his drink that he only filled once.

"You think Gary knows the meaning of 'embarassment'? Nah, he'd eat a bowl of shit if you told him it was gourmet." They both laugh and watch on.

"If you guys know so much why don't you go and tell him something." The voice caught them by surprise.

"What-?" They both respond turning their heads to the left where the voice came from.

    Instead of a formal response they are answered with the flash of a camera. Temporarily blinding them for a brief moment. The person holding the camera is a girl, taking a picture of the scene in front of them. Gary pathetically piloting his mecha with a crowd of drunk college students cheering him on. The girl lowers her camera and reveals her face. Her hair is a medium length and green with a cynical face.

"Why don't you guys go and show him up if you know so much? Or are your majors in talking shit and drinking?"

    Davis and Matt just stared at her for a second. Both trying to think of something witty to say. Davis is mostly taken back by her beauty.

"It's a minor." Matt finally spoke. Davis thought of the same thing but a second too late.

"How long have you been standing there?" Davis asks.

"Long enough to pick up your guys characters."

"Oh... so you're some edgy sociology major huh?" Matt asks defensively to someone proclaiming of knowing him.

"Maybe..." she takes another picture. Blinding Matt again. Davis saw it coming and closes his eyes in preparation.

    Davis sees his chance and wishes to talk more to her. She's the first girl he's talked to at the party and the first in months. However, he isn't quiet sure how to do so. He doesn't want to ask something stupid and scare her off.

"Umm... you want a drink?" He nervously asks her.

"Yours?"

"Wha-No, no someone else's." Davis quickly realizes his mistake and tries to correct himself. "I mean like another. Like a drink that hasn't been drink."

"Drunk, and sure." She gives an almost unnoticeable glance up and down. Checking out Davis.

    Matt seeing his friend trying to make a move takes his leave.

"You know what, you've inspired me camera girl. I'm going to go over there and apply my expertise to Gary's monstrosity." Matt steps forward out of their side-by-side line they formed. "Ayy Gary, looks like you could use some help..." Matt's voice trails off as he walks toward Gary and the crowd.

"Oh so what drink you want?" Davis asks.

"Oh, I really didn't want a drink... but I'll walk with you to go get you one."

"Okay," Davis looks at his drink. It's still halfway full. Davis not wanting to blow any chance he has begins chugging down all of it. He finishes and tries to hold in a burn, but it comes out as he speaks. "...let's go."

    The two of them walk and talk. Devils refilling his drink, but not taking anymore sips. As they continue to walk, she reveals that her name is Sora. Named after her parents favorite vid3o game character. Unfortunately Sora did end up having the same hair color as the protagonist. Prompting her to continuously dye it.

"It's actually suppose to be red." Sora adds.

"Well it still looks good. Green really looks good on you." Davis compliments her. Nervous about every word he says, but steadily becoming more comfortable. He enjoys her company.

"Thanks." Sora smiles at him.

"How come you don't just change your name?"

"Well... I don't want to spoil their fun. I think the dying is defiance enough. How about you? How are you with your parents, if you don't mind me asking?"

    Davis takes a moment to think. He didn't have some tragic background or interesting quirk about him. His family worked and never had to worry about money too often, and both his parents were alive and happily married.

"Umm, strict but supportive. When I told them I wanted to be s pilot, they said "go ahead, but be smart. Get a degree in something you can make money from" so... mecha engineer. One day maybe though, I'll have my own, but..." Davis stops. He doesn't know what else to say. The more he talks about his future the scarier it seems. A dream that's getting further away.

"Well that explains the jacket." Sora pinches the sleeve of his jacket. "But why settle for engineer? Why not just try to be a pilot?" The question strikes Davis harder than Sora intended.

"It-if... there isn't a lot of money. Only if I somehow become super successful. At least with engineering I have something to fall back on." Davis isn't even sure if he believes that. Part of him didn't want to admit that he was just scared to try.

"Yeah, but isn't it the same kind of risk? Being a successful engines for pilot. You're always going to risk something. So why not have it be on a dream?"

"What if a fail?" Davis asks trying not to show his cowardice.

"That's going to have to be up to." She responds sympathetically. She understands how he feels. She too feared the consequences of following a dream. An English major betting everything on being an author. The only difference being she had the tenacity to follow through. "Better to die trying, than to live having never tried at all" she tells herself everyday. "You have to start eventually... a mech isn't going to fall out of the sky for you."

"Mecha." Davis corrects.

    He takes a moment to digest everything they've disgust thus far. He looks around and realizes how far away they had walked from the party. Almost to end of the beach. To their right, away from the water, is a Forrest like area. It connects to a park not too far away. Davis remembers a shack inside the woods that he and Matt frequent months ago.

"Hey there's this totally awesome shack nearby, want to check it out?" Davis asks hoping to change the mood.

"I-is that like code for something?" Sora responds hesitant.

"No, it's just this random, abandoned shack out here that me and Matt would always check out."

"'Matt and I', and sure..."

    Davis leads her through the trees towards the shack. Sora begins to ask questions about it.

"What's so cool about this shack?"

"There's just always random stuff appearing in it. A couple of months ago me an-Matt and I were strapped for cash, so we started selling stuff we found in there."

"It ever occurs to you that it might be someone's storage?"

"Of course, but we never saw anything being moved and no one else seemed to know about it. Hey it saved our weekend."

    Sora laughs at how ridiculous the story sounds. They get closer to the clearing where the shack is. Though they are met with a surprise. Seemingly as if dropped on top of the shack, laid a mecha.

    At least 50ft tall, a white and blue paint job with red markings on the face plate. Most striking though about it, is it's figure. It looks very feminine in its design. Davis just stands in awe of seeing it. Easily the coolest thing to appear at the shack. Sora walks up next to Davis with her camera ready.

"You recognize it?" Sora asks him. He nods no unable to fully speak. He starts to walk towards it and Sora lifts up her camera ready to snap a photo.

    As she does however, the flash suddenly seems to activate the mecha somehow. It's massive body convulsing, like a person struggling to breath. This startles Davis and causes him to drop his drink. He starts to back pedal but stops. The mecha's arms flail around and knock what's left of the shack down. It starts to grab at it's face plate. Attempting to raise it up. After a brief struggle it finally retracts up and the mecha's true face is revealed. Pale white skin, with sharp blue eyes and no nose. It's mouth, a simple slit with no lips, but what appear to be uniform teeth hiden in its mouth. It looks around terrified and scans it's current location. As it does, it locks eyes with Davis.

[afterspark-podcast]

G1 Episode 19: Transcript

Episode Show Notes

[This can also be found on AO3!]

[Stinger]

S: Bugs.  Bugs is what I'm getting at.

O: [Laughs] Oh, okay.

[Intro Music]

O: Hello, and welcome to the Afterspark Podcast.  An episode by episode recap of the generation 1 Transformers cartoon.  I'm Owls!

S: And I’m Specs!

O: And today we're gonna be talking about episode number 19, Dinobot Island Part 1.  Let's talk about giant robots today, shall we?

S: Yeah.

O: We open with Bumblebee (plus jetpack) and Powerglide flying through the air heading towards some strange energy reading in the middle of the ocean.

S: [laughs] Bumblebee comms back to base, to get confirmation from Optimus Prime and when it cuts to the Autobots we see Wheeljack at the console, you know, Teletraan 1, the big screen and everything, and then everyone else is like a good 60 feet back.

O: [snorts]

S: They're probably afraid Wheeljack's gonna blow shit up again.

O: By basically manning their telephone? [laughs]

S: Don't underestimate Wheeljack's ability to blow shit up.  He's got a green thumb for it...or a black thumb? I don’t know…

O: He’s very, very talented at blowing shit up, let’s just go with that.

S: At least that’s how the fandom handles it.

O: I mean, fair.  Bumblebee however, seems to be very gung-ho about this mission and excited and kind of surprised that Optimus seems to think so highly of him.

S: Like, he's kinda--he's almost a little blushy.

O: Yeah, he is.

S: It's kind of cute.

O: It's--well, Bee is very cute.

S: It's-it's sweet.  Then Powerglide calls Bumblebee his ‘Little Bee Buddy.’

O: Which great name, it's a great name.

S: Yeah…

O: Ah, Powerglide, while flying slams into some sort of energy wave or energy field and says that it won't affect him because he's got too much ‘pizazz!’

S: Oh god--he's an idiot who thinks he dumped all of his points into charisma but clearly he didn',t and then again I'm having a hard time figuring out what stat he would have dumped them into because it's clearly not wisdom.  Maybe dexterity? And I'm actually really wishing now that I'd sat down and put together a fucking stat sheet.

O: Oh god, that sounds nightmarish.  All I know is that Powerglide talks about himself a lot.   I feel like he says his name like six times in sixty seconds in his introduction.

S:  Something like that.  He sort of speaks in pseudo third-person, it gets kind of old.

O: It gets old very quickly.

S: But they had to have some way of differentiating these new Autobots from the previous ones so you get a bit more, um, out there personalities and speech tics.

O: [snorts] I mean, I guess at least they have personalities?

S: Or speech patterns is what I meant.

O: Yeah.

S: Cuz you've got Warpath and...all of that.

O: Yeah…

S: They're suddenly attacked by a giant pteranodon that carries Bee away in its claws.  Providing his own narration, Powerglide then flies off to the rescue.

O: Bee looks like, super done through this entire sequence.  Uh, he even says something to the effect of, “Can't he just save a guy without doing a commercial?”

S: Honestly, the Autobots could probably earn money by you know, selling off Powerglide’s vocal--

O: Oh god.

S: --powers for commercials.

O: Yeah, he--he would make a good--good guy to do commercials for…

S: Oh god, him and Swindle, doing something together.

O: Oh god, oh god, yes please--someone write this? [laughs]

S: Like, Swindle’s a perfectly good sell guy by himself but I mean, you want an infomercial…

O: Give him the power--uh, giving them the power of Powerglide’s voice?  Oh yes, they would sell so much shit!

S:  Oh god, I'm just imagining the robot infomercials now.  Shamwow, Oxyclean...

O: [laughs] Shamwow, now--now sponsored by the Auto--the Autobots!  Shamwow! [continues laughing while Specs speaks]

S: God, there’d be some sort of Powerglide pun in there somewhere.

O: Ugh, you know it would.

S: [sighs] And then well--uh, so back on topic, Powerglide does indeed chase the pteranodon off but it drops Bumblebee whose jetpack is no longer functioning properly like, it's super beat all to hell.

O: Uh, yeah after you know, being picked up by a pteranodon. Bee does eventually land safely with the help of a palm tree cushioning his impact.

S: It’s a thing, it’s a thing.  And okay, I figured out where Powerglide put his stats.  He clearly blasts Bee’s jetpack with some sort of ray of healing from his forehead, so magic?  Like--he's like, the world's shittiest wizard.

O: Oh god. [laughs] I don't want to think about him being a wizard.  He’s like, one of the flim-flam man if he is a freaking wizard.

S: [groans]

O: Yeah!  I'm right!  I'm right, and should say it!

S: Yeah.

O: [laughs] Anyway, Bumblebee explores the immediate area on, uh, the island that they have crash-landed on.

S: There are a fuckton of dinosaurs here and Bee is promptly attacked by a t-rex.

O: To which, he runs back to Powerglide and sort of jerks him--him by the arm in the direction that the t-rex is now chasing him.

S: Or is coming from, yeah.

O: Is com--yeah, like that the t-rex that is chasing him is coming from.

S: It's like, “Here, here look at this thing it wants to eat me!”

O: [laughs] “Save me!”

S: “Do--do the thing, kick its ass!”

O: Uh, Powerglide transforms and Bee hangs a ride by grabbing on top of uh, Powerglide’s plane mode and they fly off.  It looks very uncomfortable.

S: Yeah. Honestly, it's probably messing with Powerglide’s you know, uh, aerodynamic surfaces but okay…

O: The power of magic robots?

S: Yeah.  Back at the Ark, Bee and Powerglide have clearly reported the living fossils they ran into to the other Autobots and there, they proceed to insult the Dinobots.  You know, like normal--which is kind of sad.

O: You're all terrible, I want you to know this.

S: Yeah...Wheeljack tries to mitigate the general air of disrespect by saying that the Dinobots have good qualities and he's been trying to teach them stuff.

O: Wheeljack is a good Dino dad.

S: Yeah, and then Huffer decides to be a dick about this statement.

O: Yep, yep, shut up Huffer.

S: Shut up Huffer.

O: [laughs]

S: Wheeljack's idea of demonstrating Grimlock’s newfound control over his powers, his--his newfound dexterity, is to have Blaster transform into his alt mode and then have Grimlock change the radio stations...with fire breath or a laser breath or however they refer to it.

O: All this seems like a terrible, terrible, terrible idea!

S: It is, like yes, you can demonstrate his dexterity some other way, dude!

O: That doesn't involve fire and possibly melting your communications officer.

S: Yeah.

O: Grimlock, to his credit does actually succeed in changing the station without incinerating Blaster, much to the chagrin of Ironhide, Trailbreaker, and Sideswipe.

S: They have no taste. They don't like any of those music. But, ah, considering it was changed to a rock station I would expect this from Ironhide and possibly Trailbreaker but Sideswipe--you're a young hip dude!

O: Sides, there is no way you don't listen to rock, I am not buying this for a single goddamn second.

S: Maybe he's more of a pop guy?

O: Oh god, now I'm just like, now I'm just imagining him doing karaoke to Britney Spears songs.

S: [laughs]

O: Thank you, thank you for that came to Britney Spears in my brain!  Just imagine him going, “Catch me baby one more time,” or whatever. [Clearly my 90’s card needs to be revoked, because it’s, “Hit me baby one more time.” ~Owls]

S: Yeah.

O: Hust mmm-mmm, perfection and you know he would do it at karaoke just to drive Prowl nuts.

S: Or maybe he likes Dolly Parton?

O: [laughing while trying to talk] JOLENE! [continues to laugh]

S: The rest of the bots and humans in the room proceed to celebrate.

O: Wheeljack in particular seems super proud of Grimlock.

S: [sighs] Of course something has to go wrong, and that thing is Slag and Sludge getting interested in what's going on and then proceeding to bump into Grimlock.  Who then begins spewing fire around the room uncontrollably.

O: I love it because Grimlock says, “Slag, Sludge, go away!  Me, Grimlock, demonstrating finesse (whatever that mean),” before immediately turning around and destroying something else with his extremely long tail.

S: Yeah...honestly the perspective on that made no sense…

O: It looked way too long.  I'm like not really sure what happened there to be honest.

S: Yeah, the situation proceeds to further unravel with the on--with the arrival of the ever curious Snarl and Swoop, who want to come and investigate all this shit.

O: Which, congrats!  You lured the first two idiots with the racket, now you've caught the other two.

S: Well, they’re five for five.

O: They are five for five!

S: The Dinobots get dangerously close to Teletraan 1 but Trailbreaker uses a shield to protect it but he like, shoots it and then it hits and sort of spreads and it's weird.

O: Yeah, not really sure how this guy's powers work.

S: Yeah.

O: We see several previously unseen Autobots who rush in to put out the room which is now on fire.  The main two we get to see are Inferno, a fire truck, and Red Alert, a fire Lamborghini. Yes really, that's what he's supposed to be.

S: Well, I suppose it was either that or a fire Datsun, or a fire Porsche, or a fire minibot.  Do you want a fire miniot? Cuz that's how you get a fire on minibot.

O: [laughs] So, I looked it up, I believe his toy is a police car version of Sideswipe and Sunstreaker’s mold and it literally was listed as like, the police version.  Um, but I'm laughing because I'm like oh no--now I'm wondering is there a police version of the Datsun or the Porsche, or the minibot?

S: Well, there could be a police version of the Lamborghini in Italy.

O: Well isn’t Prowl--what is Prowl?

S: Prowl’s a Datsun.

O: Oh, Prowl’s a Datsun...then we already had a po--we already had a police Datsun!

S: Yeah, so it's just--I don't think--cuz, like Crown Victorias were like, the main police car.

O: Oh, yeah.

S: Now there's Mustangs and stuff and I've never seen a Lamborghini.

O: Yeah, like it's just...there would never be a fire Lamborghini.

S: Well, let me look this up.  Cuz I now want to know if there's a police...no, let’s see...oh my god!  Italy's newest police car is a Lamborghini as of 2017.

O: That's still 30 years too late I'm not looking at it! [laughs]

S: Well, there could be other Lamborghinis there, but a Lamborghini makes sense for--

O: Like, Italy.

S: Yeah.  Ratchet is rather resigned to having to repair the entire room now with Sparkplug offering to help.  Well, he's also got Grapple.

O: Oh yeah, Grapple’s in here.

S: Yeah and um...shoot I forget his name...Hoist.  Grapple and Hoist.

O: The Dinobots however, continued to blunder around with Sideswipe getting the brilliant idea of fighting them to a standstill.

S: [sighs] I mean that is basically...that--that is basically his entire modus operandi.  Slamming shit until it stops being a problem.

O: True.  Uh, then the red idiot brigade rush in like well, idiots.  This being Sideswipe, Cliffjumper, and Ironhide.

S: Well, they did decide to color code their hot heads.

O: They did!  [laughs] They did!  Well, paint them all red, they're idiots.

S: Yeah, thankfully they are stopped in their tracks by Optimus Prime.  And Optimus has Grimlock bring the other Dinobots to heel.

O: He actually shows some modicum of respect and trust towards Grimlock here, wow.

S: It's an improvement.

O: Definitely is.

S: They then get the brilliant idea of sending the Dinobots to the newly discovered island.  Where they'll be less likely to break shit or at least shit the Autobots care about.

O: [laughs] Yeah, uh, cutting away we see that Ravage and Soundwave are eavesdropping on the Autobots as they exit from the side of a mountain.  Why do they even have this?

S: I guess they wanted a backdoor.  They wanted somewhere where they wouldn't be mobbed by paparazzi.

O: [snorts]

S: Except you never see the paparazzi.

O: I feel like there should be paparazzi.  I mean if giant alien robots landed on earth I feel like paparazzi would be all over that shit but--

S: Either that or someone that wants to sell magazines--we've already discussed the magazine subscription sales.

O: Yeah.  Wheeljack and Ratchet uh, being good parents actually wish their babies luck.

S: They're sending their kids off to summer camp.

O: It is kind of what it feels like, yes.

S: Yeah, I except there aren't any moderators.

O: Yup, yup, we are leaving we are leaving the babies in charge of the babies.

S: Oh god no, they're basically sending them off to…

O: Live in the woods for a week? [laughs]

S: More or less!  They're basically doing what Izumi did with the Elrics.

O: [laughs] Yep, yep, yep, that’s close.

S: Oh god, except now--now Spike hops into Powerglide, to come with them, like--

O: Why--why aren we bringing the squishy?

S: He wants to sightsee, unfortunately he didn't bring any goddamn camera.  Cuz, you know Chip would be all over this.

O: Yeah, Chip would like to see this!

S: I guess we needed a the human element.

O: Well, that human element’s gonna end up smeared across the bottom of either the organic, or the robot t-rex, I fucking guarantee it.

S: Unfortunately yeah, or he's gonna puke everywhere because you just know Powerglide's gonna pull a freaking rodeo with every goddamn ride he takes this kid on.

O: Ohhhhh yeah.  Spike does actually put on a seat belt here which is kinda new. [laughs]

S: I figure planes would have some sort of restraint device even in the 80’s, but who knows.

O: That's my guess, that's our guess anyway.

S: Soundwave comms Megatron about the mysterious island discovered by the Autobots.

O: And clearly it’s shit on Starscream hour, as Megatron insinuates at least some Decepticons don't disappoint him.

S: At some point somewhere some version of Megatron has to have, “All of you disappoint me,” mug, or something.

O: Oh my god!  Yes! Now I want that, I want a mug--I want a tiny mug of that, to hand my G1 Megatron.

S: It’s just--

O: He absolutely has that mug!  I don't know this one has that mug but one of them's got that mug!

S: Yeah.

O: Maybe Prime Megatron?

S: [snickers, following by unintelligible audio]

O: Soundwave’s like, sipping his own shit that says like, “#1 Communications Officer,” cuz he knows he ain't talking about him.

S: Yeah.

O: [laughs]

S: So Soundwave sends Laserbeak after the Autobot crew, to you know, keep tabs on them.  Like a competent communication officer does.

O: Right!  Of course, as the Autobot group gets near the island Powerglide decides to show Spike his moves.

S: I called it.  I--I freakin called it.  Powerglide just cannot resist showboating.

O: But he's a plane! [laughs]

S: Show--show-planing, show-flying?

O: Showing off! [laughs]

S: Yeah. Spike decides to name the new island and he goes with Dinobot Island cuz…

O: Who--who let the 14-year old named shit!?! Guys--guys, Powerglide, you talk all the time surely you can think of a better name than this!

S: He may not care.

O: Of course!  And I--I feel like his suggestion would be like, “Let's call it Powerglide island!”

S: Well of course!  Cuz the most important person was first on the ground!

O:  Or--but he wasn’t!  Bumblebee was!

S: Yes, but that was falling, he wasn't the first person to actually set foot on it!

O: Oh god.

S: I don’t know!  I don’t--I don’t think I care. [laughs] Ahh..

O: The Autobots land and Laserbeak lands some distance away, still keeping an eye on them cuz again, competent.  Competent soldier.

S: One of the locals attempts to buddy up to Laserbeak, but gets eye lasers for their trouble.

O:Laserbeak’s not even remotely in the vicinity of fucking around here, he's got a job to do!  Laserbeak also conveniently pulls out his camera as Spike starts going on about all the energy sources on the island.

S: He mentions an oil pit.  How is there an oil pit here?  That wouldn't be...safe? But I mean okay, they're probably talking about tar, maybe?

O: I mean like, that's what--what we assumed is that--well, at least it's what I’m assumed, they have to mean tar pit!  But I'm still not sure how that's a source of energy?

S: Well, I mean, I guess there's enough thermal energy but I don't get how they’d get it.  Who the fuck knows.

O: Or at least how would that be less difficult than like, I don't know--solar energy in the middle of the fucking ocean?

S: Or wind power--

O: Or wind power--

S: --or you know, water power.

O: --or wave power--

S: Hydrodynamics?

O: --or whatever!  A zillion other things that the Decepticons could be doing under the radar and not being caught with!

S: They’re dumb robots and it's an 80’s cartoon.  We've already had discussions about that.

O: Oh, so many.  Of course, the first thing Powerglide says uh, is that, “It's a good thing those Cons don't know about this!”

S: Well, it's already been jinxed.

O: Yep!  And not 30 seconds later Powerglide has a horrifying realization that he has lost the human.

S: He's a really bad babysitter, he can't be trusted.

O: Clearly not.  Cutting back to Spike, he is immediately picked up by a giant green dinosaur out of nowhere.

S: One that obviously doesn't have a basis in reality.  I mean it looks like a weird dragon.

O: Minus, you know, actually like, being able to breathe flame.  He is then dropped into a nest with some absurdly huge eggs like, way too big for the dinosaur that has dropped him in there.

S: Maybe it's the dad that dropped him in and the female is bigger or something.  Maybe they're like kiwis? I don't know.

O: I think you're giving this show far more credit than it deserves. [laughs]

S: Swoop comes in for the rescue.

O: That's because Swoop is a good birb!

S: Spike gets dropped off near a lake, with Swoop telling him to be careful before flying off.

O: Nessie then rises from behind Spike and grabs him in their mouth, swimming off.

S: Oh plesiosaurs,I'm surprised the Autobots didn't decide to ah, build someone based off of one…

O:  Hee, hee, hee, Paddles !

S: Powerglide and the Dinobots here Spike screaming and run over.  Except, I don't know--Powerglide flies for like two seconds--

O: [laughs] Yeah for a whole two seconds, he is extremely gung-ho for a rescue until he spots the giant water monster and then he's like, “Uh, how about you guys do it instead?” to the Dinobots.

S: Yeah.  Spike is then rescued by Sludge after Nessie drops him.  And in a blissful moment of sanity, Spike decides to return home as he is tired of being dindins.

O: Yeah, for once a competent decision was made, weird.  Laserbeak, uh, after you know, presumably getting all of this on video, returns to the Decepticon base where he displays the recorded information for Dinobot Island to the rest of the Cons.

S: Megatron, well clearly Megatron's been taking notes from his comic iteration here as his badge is bright red.

O: [laughs] For like one shot.  Megs is gunning --get it, get it, because he’s a gun?  For a takeover of Dinobot Island but Starscream, who clearly does not want to be a flying dino dinner, objects.

S: Regardless, Megatron orders an attack in some completely ridiculous, amazing, visual framing.  Megatron is just standing there, in the middle of the group, with an arm up in a victory pose, flanked by two Decepticons on either side, with Thrust (whom we haven't met yet) framed by Megatron's magnificent thighs.

O: That placement seems so, so phallic.

S: Especially considering his name.

O: Yes, but it gets worse because Thrust is one of the Coneheads which means he has you know, a pointy head.

S: Yes.

O: Which only makes this worse, or better, really, depending on how you look at it.

S: To--to clarify, Thrust is way in the background and he's not like, lying on a stomach between Megatron’s thighs--

O: No, but he's like, he looks tiny in the distance and he’s right under Megatron’s crotch!

S: Yes.

O: And I’m just like--why did you frame it like that!?!  [laughs] Back on Dinobot Island, the Dinobots are training.

S: Grimlock does not have the vocabulary for this.

O: What do you mean Specs, “Do flying stuff!” sounds plenty descriptive to me!

S: It's pretty descriptive, but it's not you know, good for specifics.

O: The Cons land, uh, Megatron being a dick to Starscream.

S: When isn't he?

O: Oh, never really.

S: And then Starscream mentions being worried about the bizarre energy waves.

O: Because you know, scientist and shit, right?

S: They actually remembered he did that.

O: Yeah, I know, right?

S: The group splits up to gather Energon from the various energy sources on the island.

O: Starscream uh, proceeds to freak the fuck out as the weather begins to de--destabilize, but Megatron just points at him and tells them to get back to work.

S: From the air--Swoop the spots the Decepticons from the air.

O: Grimlock uh, after Swoop gets back and tells them this, orders the rest of the Dinobots to attack.

S: Meanwhile, Spike and Bumblebee are coming out of a library with some lovely, lovely research in hand.  Which we couldn't read the titles of--but it made no goddamn sense.

O: It was gibberish.  Yeah like, what we could see it was just complete gibberish.

S: Yeah...

O: Suddenly, a portal opens up and some barbarians riding motherfucking mammoths come through.  I don’t know who the voice actor is here, but they are clearly just making silly noises into the mic and it is amazing. [laughs]

S: Yeah.  I don't know what time period these barbarians are supposed to be from, we a--we had a discussion, but apparently they've got some metalworking going on cuz--one of them was wearing a horned helmet.

O: Yeah, and it's just like, I don't even know, but okay?

S: Disarray ensues as giant mammoths proceed to fuck with traffic patterns.

O: Spike says that mammoths just haven't existed for, “Fifty thousand years!”

S: Oh honey, most of them didn't die out about--until about you know, ten thousand years ago.  So you're super off Spike!

O: Some of them actually survived and until longer too! [laughs]

S: Yes, but that was a very small population on a very, um…

O: Isolated island, essentially.

S: Yeah.  They probably had some issues at the end.

O: Sounds like it.  Spike and Bee escape into a dilapidated building for cover but the mammoths ram the building, and it comes down on top of the two of them.

S: Yeah, that's bad--that’s baaaad.   Back on Dinobot Island, Megatron uses some well-placed blasts from his fusion cannon to create a stampede of you know, regular dinosaurs to herd the Dinobots off a cliff.

O: The Dinobots can fly?  They literally flew earlier in this episode.  Did--did, everyone here just collectively dump that fact from their brain?

S: I mean, the robots pretty frequently forget they have abilities but at least these guys are babies, so we can kind of forgive them.  Also, they may not be able to fly and in their alt modes with the exception of Swoop, so I don't know.

O: Yeah, but I don't know why they wouldn't transform.

S: We don't know what the reaction times are when they're startled.

O: That’s true.

S: And maybe they don't want to hurt uh--uh the other dinosaurs.

O: I'd be more willing to believe that but I still think transforming and jumping up in the air would be faster.

S: It would, it would, but I don't know we're not--we don't exactly have a view into the minds of these giant robot children.  And the Dinobots unfortunately, fall into a tar pit.

O: Because of course they do!

S: Yeah. Including poor Swoop, who only fell in because Grimlock basically fell on top of him. [sighs]

O: Poor Swoop.

S: Yeah.

O: And that's where today's episode ends.  Join us next time for more time warps, cowboys, barbarians, and pirates galore!

S: Yup.

O: So, do we have some fanfic recommendations for today?

S: Yes, we have two of them.  Uh, the first is Pounce by eerien_sadow.  Uh, it's in the G1 cartoon continuity, rated K, um, it’s Gen.  There aren't any pairings and the characters are Swoop and an unnamed Decepticon.  And the summary is: An infiltrator attempts to escape the Autobots. And I basically decided on this because Swoop, because unfortunate things happened to Swoop in this episode.

O: Poor baby.

S: And it's a oneshot, it's also very, very short um, less than 600 words, I think?  So it's a nice little bite. And uh, second recommendation is Wild Man's World by Harpokrates. It’s in the Transformers’ War for Cybertron continuity, it's rated K, Gen--even though it was written for a rare pair bingo.  There is no overt shipping or anything. The closest you get to it is someone giving someone else a bouquet of crystals and that's more, “I would like you to feel better,” than anything else, so yeah.  There's no pairings, our characters are Perceptor, Grimlock, Ratchet and Slug.

And in summary: They made it off of Cybertron but that doesn't mean all of their problems are solved.  Preceptor juggles morals, obligations, Insecticons, and Grimlock. And well, I picked this one because it's got Grimlock in it, but it also has the rest of the Dinobots which I thought the way--the way--the way they're handled is pretty different from you know G1 but I liked it.

O: So uh, if you're not aware uh, War for Cybertron is a PlayStation 3 game.  The continuity--it's technically in the Aligned continuity which is technically supposed to like, encapsulate the video-- the War for Cybertron/Fall of Cybertron, Prime, and Robots in Disguise, and Rescue Bots.  But I feel like the video games feel pretty distinct. Uh, but so, the way they handle the Dinobots in the game is pretty different and the Dinobots never show up in Prime or Robots in Disguise, really so...

S: Well, they do have Grimlock in Robots in Disguise

O: It's not the same Grimlock.

S: Yeah.

O: It's not the same Grimlock, which is this whole other kettle of fish.  So--it--it--they definitely are handled differently because in the game they were normal Autobots that were captured by uh--

B: Shockwave.

O: And his experimented on.

S: Okay, yeah, this deals pretty heavily with the aftermath of the experimentation at least on Grimlock.

O: Yeah, yeah, cuz basically--they did not have dinosaur alt modes before Shockwave got ahold of them.  And whatever Shockwave had done had really, really fucked with Grimlock’s mind.

S: Yeah.  As will be very, very evident if you read this.  Which it was good I reckon--I definitely recommend it, and yeah, it's--it's what you haven't read yet.

O: Yeah, I need to read this one cuz I actually--I really--I'm very fond of Perceptor anyway so...

S: Yeah, and I mean, you've actually played War for Cybertron, which I haven't.

O: I keep thinking I should play it while you're over or something cuz I do think you would enjoy the plot, but it's a first-person shooter so I'm not sure how interesting it is to watch.

S: It's--they might have had it available on computer at some point?

O: They did originally, but because the copyright--

S: Oh, yeah--

O: --they, uh.  Was it EA? Whatever company had it lost the copyright.

S: Yeah.

O: Um, so they pulled the digital releases.  Now the only way to get it is a hard--is a hard copy, and the only hard copies I could find were on PlayStation.

[Happily, it appears I may be wrong about this for War for Cybertron and Fall of Cybertron!  Even thought it’s delisted on Steam I could still find downloadable copies available on Amazon for the PC, and the Steam codes they give you still work in Steam. Unfortunately, this doesn’t appear to be the case with Devastation, which was my favorite out of the 3 more recent games. D: ~Owls]

S: Yeah, which I mean, I guess, I could theoretically get a PS--actually I want a PS4 I guess, because I kind of want to get the new Spider-man game.

O: Yeah, you can't play PS3 games on it.

S: Oh.

O: It's--they’re not backwards compatible, that's why I have both.

S: I hate that.

O: I know, I know, I feel ya!

S: Okay, let's get back on topic.

O: Sorry! ~Tangent!~

S: And I believe we have art recommendations.

O: So for fanart today we have Misaki, who does a variety [of art]--I've seen Animated, IDW, some Beast Wars stuff.  They have a very simple, cute style there's a lot of Animated art or characters done in the style of Transformers Animated.  Uh, they've also been doing quite a bit of TMNT stuff as of the time I uh, took my notes for this. Uh, oday we have linked a Transformers Animated style Dinobot, a neat looking Soundwave, and Rodimus not wanting to work.

S: He wants to play hooky.

O: He does, its Rodimus.  Hooky is like, his default state of being.

S: [chuckles] And that just about wraps it up for us today!  Remember to check us out on Tumblr or Pillowfort as a Afterspark-Podcast, for any additional information, show notes, or links we may have mentioned.  You can also find us on Facebook and Twitter at AftersparkPod (all one word) and various other locations by searching for Afterspark Podcast such as a AO3, iTunes, Google Podcasts, Stitcher, and YouTube just to name a few.  Till next time, I'm Specs!

O: And I'm Owls!

S: Toodles!

[Outro Music]