#improb

[inkskinned]

how do i contact apple bc actually i am currently going through an internet story but i don't have twitter.

which is to say that 3 weeks ago i was on vacation to the Azores with my family. due to girl pockets (iykyk) my phone fucking jumped into the ocean literally only because i lifted my leg above a 30 degree angle to avoid a wave. the phone was black. the sand was black. it was night. i had waded in about 2 feet deep. i think my guardian angel just closed his eyes.

i immediately reached a state of peace about it. maybe it was a sign from god or the universe. don't we all need to unplug. let's live in the moment or whatever. also, let's give the crabs technology, i just think it would be funny.

i come home. i haven't backed up my phone in a while (lol since 2022) and the shitty replacement i got is literally useless. i lost pictures of newborn babies. i lost contacts. i have to wrangle things together that need 2-factor authentication with a phone that's in the fucking ocean.

and then today i got this notification.

What in the everfuck. are you kidding me. this thing was IN THE OCEAN. like the ACTUAL OCEAN. like originally "find my phone" was reporting it as ABSENT.

and then i get this email:

she found it while she was SNORKLING. at the bottom of the actual ocean. it's been there for 3 weeks.

IT STILL WORKS.

which is to say. like how do i get her anything she wants, forever. i don't have any money but i would buy her a fucking boat of iphones to thank her. how do we get apple to give me a commercial. if nothing else i just want people to know that someone found my phone at the bottom of the ocean because how fucking fake of a story does this even sound.

what's going on. hello????????

[prokopetz]

The concept of "love languages" as a totalising picture of relationship dynamics may be pseudoscientific bullshit, but I have to credit the idea's proponents for enabling all those jokes of the format "my love language is [something objectively unhinged]". Top form there.

[corkinavoid]

DPxDC Danny Is A Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

(not in a necessarily bad way and it's by Clockwork's design)

Bats, or Constantine, or the JL, or whoever you want to be close to Danny in this prompt, don't notice it right away. It takes them a while to figure out its not purely coincidence. And even after they do figure it out, they still have their doubts.

The thing is, it doesn't work all the time. It also doesn't seem to have a system or a schedule to it, nor is it any kind of a superpower, as far as they can understand. By God, does Danny have way too many superpowers, but most of them are consistent, and yet this one... is weird. Weirder than anything they've seen before, and they've seen a lot, okay.

It also only works if Danny does it without thinking.

"You know what'd be perfect right now? A cheese sandwich," Danny says over the comms, in the middle of the fight with Dr. Freeze, "A warm, grilled cheese sandwich just out of the toas- Owch, what?" There's a pause. And then, "Guys, you're not gonna believe it, a cheese sandwich just smacked me in the face! I think someone threw it out of the window or something!" Danny sounds bewildered, but excited, and there's a sound of chewing from his comm now. At least he is eating, so that's good.

"I fucking hate robots," he grumbles the other day, punching his way through the Brainiac invasion in Metropolis, with no comm and only for the Supes to overhear, "No, correction, I hate only evil robots. The ones that interrupt my astronomy class. The ones that shoot motherfucking lasers and walk like crabs, and ruin a perfect day, and- I wish- aw, fuck, no, that's bad wording. Don't wish for shit. But if all these robots would just suddenly, miraculously malfunction and stop attacking me and the whole city, that would be, like, real nice of them."

A few minutes later, something goes wrong with the Brainiac's control over the army of robots, and all of them just stop moving and fall down at once. It is deemed as a chance, a lucky shot, a coincidence. Supes keeps quiet over what he heard Danny say.

"Oh, you bitch-ass fruitloop, you know what I want?" Danny yells at Plasmius, as the ghost is laughing like a madman, "I want a fucking brick to fall down right on your head, like, right now! Maybe that can set your brains straight for at least five minutes!" And even before he is finished talking, there's something falling down from the sky and hitting Plasmius's head. It's not a brick, to be exact, it's Miss Martian's shoe, though. She has no idea how it even came undone and fell from her foot. But it did somehow knock Plasmius out cold, so there's that.

It doesn't happen all the time. Red Robin does the math - the improbable accidents only happen in about 26% of the situations, given that Danny says something. It's by no means a reliable power. It also doesn't happen only during the fights: there were numerous times when Danny just said something like 'I wonder if the cafeteria serves garlic bread today' and sure enough, there's garlic bread there. Even if it was not on the menu. Ever.

They try to question Danny himself, but he has no idea. He doesn't even notice the coincidences most of the times - which is not surprising, knowing that they only happen in one out of four situations and Danny is known to have a short attention span. So, after a few unsuccessful investigations and failed attempts at calculating how this even works, they all give up. It has never jinxed anything, as far as they know, so everyone just leaves it be.

Danny is just magically lucky like that.

Meanwhile, Clockwork is having a good laugh about it. Danny's suggestions amuse him, and it's funny to watch the other superheroes having a mental breakdown over it, so he rigs the timeline from time to time. Just a little.

[amultitideofdrops]

What I love about this is that it confirms what we've always known : That if Garak and Bashir actually got together they'd be completely insufferable

[last-of-the-independents]

ANDREW ROBINSON as ELIM GARAK, Rene Auberjonois as Odo in DEEP SPACE NINE, S3.E20 - Improbable Cause (1995)

[kaijutegu]

One of my friends is showing me vintage men's magazine covers and when I saw this one, my first thought was "lol that sounds like the headline of an article on invasive tegus coming out of Florida or something."

LO AND BEHOLD, THE LIZARD FROM HELL

[thatswhywelovegermany]

Mann springt auf anfahrenden ICE – der beschleunigt auf 282

Man jumps onto departing ICE train, rides on the outside at 282 km/h

A man from Hungary left the ICE bullet train during a stop at the station of Ingolstadt to smoke a cigarette. The train continued its journey quicker than the man anticipated and before he had finished his cigarette. Desperately, because his luggage was still on the train, the man jumped on the train, holding on to technical installations on the coupler between the two halves of the otherwise smooth train.

Although witnesses immediately reported the incident, it took a while before the train driver was informed, during which time he accelerated the train to 282 km/h (175 mph). After being noticed, the train driver immediately decelerated the train and brought it to a stop at the next station, where a policeman incidentially riding on the train guided the man aboard. At the next regular stop in Nuremberg, the man was handed over to the federal police. It turned out that the man was traveling without a ticket, so he was charged for two offenses: Obtaining a transportation service by fraud, and carrying out an act disrupting train operation.

[lacedspine]

daniel…yes i’m aware of the time, don’t go back to sleep..lover, were you aware that sappho’s children are very fond of me? yes…very fond…they use my own likeness in their profile images on social media sites, daniel. daniel, what is “scissoring?” daniel?

[skybson]

3x20 - Improbable Cause

[rythyme]

"please tell me the omegaverse show is another joke like the thai goncharov remake" my brother in christ the "goncharov remake" was real too

[halloawhatisthis]

CBS Elementary + canon references • cases (part 3)

[undertalethingems]

dream i had last night that i will attempt to convey in text, even though i would like to draw it as a comic...

Sans, seated at a drum kit, plays the classic rimshot.

Sans plays a slightly more elaborate rimshot, adding an extra beat or two to the timeless phrase.

He plays a yet more elaborate variation, yet it's somehow still recognizable as a rimshot despite all the extra flourishes.

He plays an even more complex version, with lots of embellishments on every beat...

The variations continue, growing in complexity, until...

He plays incredibly, using a variety of percussion instruments with a level of skill that matches one Neil Peart, building up an unforgettable arrangement...

that all ends with a rimshot.

[beefcakekinard]

running joke where tommy 'knows a guy' for increasingly specific and unlikely situations. they need a speedboat on a moment's notice? yeah, he's got a buddy. buck spends a week in a research hole about endangered ant species and wants to see some? sure, he's got an old army pal. christopher wants to get into the natural history museum archives for a school project? no problem, he just needs to make a call.

[fandomchokehold]

“idk to me Gale is straight” oh really than why is my male tav using his big penis to rearrange the wizard’s guts every other night?

[thatswhywelovegermany]

Mannheim man steals own car back: Culpability under investigation

A man from Mannheim was arrested for car theft because he had stolen a car that belongs to him. During his arrest, the police found a complicated ownership structure – the car had previously been stolen from him. "At the moment, it looks as if we had two victims in this case", a police spokesman told newspaper Mannheimer Morgen.

The BMW had been stolen in Romania where the man had visited family. The 27-year-old man had reported the theft to the police in Romania and to his insurance. A few weeks later, a 38-year-old man from Dortmund bought the car.

Using the GPS locator device of the car, the 27-year-old man located the car in Dortmund, but didn't report at the police. Instead, he traveled to Dortmund, opened the car using his own keys, and drove back to Mannheim.

The 38-year-old owner from Dortmund in turn reported the car as stolen to the local police, who was able to locate it in Mannheim using the GPS locator service. Mannheim police forces arrested the 27-year-old, who provided credible evidence that he had bought the car a few years back in the United Kingdom.

Both men were able to credibly claim ownership of the car, which was manufactured in 2017 and had a value of 12,000 €. The car was seized by the police, while investigations of the true ownership are ongoing. The thieves back in Romania have to be identified as well. It is also still unclear whether the 27-year-old committed a criminal offense by reclaiming his car.

[fluentisonus]

imagining les mis from louis xviii's pov. really funny. napoleon is defeated & you are restored to the throne. fast forward four years & they tell you a successful businessman has come into public eye in montreuil-sur-mer so you have him appointed mayor. the guy refuses it. that same year you try to appoint a winner (?) of the industrial exhibition a chevalier of the legion of honor but he turns it down. it's the same guy. you have him appointed mayor again & he finally accepts. fast forward another four years. they tell you the same guy again confessed to being a former convict & a recidivist & has been sentenced to death. well okay you're a merciful king so you get out your pen or whatever & commute his sentence. less than a year later he's reported drowned & you're in your carriage in paris feeling sick & miserable & they point out to you a guy on the street in a horrible yellow coat. little do you know it's the same guy. you die before the rest of the book