#instead of two jobs and school
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just put in my notice at my job! I'm in my last semester and then it's applying timeeee! Wooo!
I need a spreadsheet of where I want to apply...
these next two months are going to be crazyyy
#I had to retake a class because I faileddd#NOT because I'm stupid#this year has just been one disaster after another#so I'm taking THREE classes this semester#hence why I'm quitting my job#so close to being done#and then I'll just have one job#instead of two jobs and school#also a job where I don't have to wake up before 6am?? sign me up!#og#werk#skewl#31#summer
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weekly navel-gazing update: this week is most consequential event in long time. keyword search: "scared" "is it ok to be scared" "beaten and tortured by the ogre"




#old director of south asian studies just talked to me to let me know theyll be joining me to sit on my panel while i present two projects#in two days and intimated they could discuss supervising potential grad work or dissertations despite funding freezes#she is respected used to do the gender studies program coordinating too#and their TA PhD student super severe standoffish goth walked up to me in front of seminar to thank me for my portfolio of essays#on poverty homelessness and environmental stuff and said it was TOUCHING and i should be proud and shell also be attending#after the director of student research invited them#and research director happens to specialize in borderlands and caribbean and empire and she emailed me to say#she left me a signed copy of her book with a really lovely message#and a protein bar because she knows i have diabetes and other illnesses but bike like ten miles a day between work and school#and then she emailed me and offered car ride if i wanted#and i was touched and surprised and now im like uh oh this is important i guess#and like uh oh i really shouldve taken the week off work or something why am i working forty hours for this#well precarious rent i guess but still wish i hadnt spent past four months just going to retail job and had instead hung out more with#faculty and hope i didnt waste my chance to get to know them#also is im just going to wear that outfit to conference hope not perceived as too informal#no family whatsoever so there was no one like interested or checking in on me to like help me see that the developments were significant#a year ago i was nothing but nightshift retail with NO prospects and rapidly worsening health#and there wasnt even a glimmer of hope for possibility of positive social environment let alone school
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Lois was kidnapped and held prisoner by the Parasite for six whole in-universe months, gets back for one day, and immediately tackles Deathstroke the Terminator when he teleports into the Daily Planet. Lois.
#to be fair when Clark rescued her. THE NIGHT BEFORE. he immediately keeled over and nearly died so like. i get it. but also.#six months??? they decided six months had passed??#it seemed like they were going for two months after the Valentine's thing but ok#..... this is why they stopped putting specific dates in comics#great job maws she WOULD steal a space ship immediately if required to help Clark#.... for my purposes i will be reducing it down to two months tho#for both 'she don't deserve that' but also it made more sense before they decided to catch up to real time at the end before a skip instead#of after#which like come on guys. you know how to do that#anyway uh the magic school bus episode from twenty five years ago was great#and actually was after the age nonsense stuff and power loss so now i have to go back#i thought maybe it was slipped in before because i thought he had his powers or Clark would mention the age stuff but noppppe#yeah i know i can go find a reading list somewhere. or i could figure it out myself. and entertain you with my silly bad team Super doodles
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it's that time of the year where i post about the ocs from my secondary story before launching them back into the void for several months
#art tag#6139#oc: vanna#this took THREE drawings the other two were just too stiff (this isn't the Greatest but way better than before)#but i really wanted to color this fit so i just angrily sketched out a third picture which finally worked#the story doesn't really have a plot just some vague ideas for the characters#because i always forget about it for a few months and then come back to it Extremely Briefly#it is set in the modern day#well..maybe pre-pandemic...maybe like 2018 or something#uhm since they were vaguely inspired by scooby doo in the original iteration though i could put it in the late '60s if i get tired of it#though it was specifically inspired by 13 ghosts of scooby doo + the reluctant werewolf movie#so...that would still be the '80s. what's wrong with me#the original draft was like a few shorter stories of the characters getting involved in various hijinx#but it's not really like a cartoon there's overarching themes and stuff? recurring stuff like that?#none of this is about vanna specifically.#she's not the group daphne she's actually the group googie (from reluctant werewolf)#so she is the girlfriend of casey (not-shaggy) (named for casey kasem)#but she like...does more stuff than googie does. and also doesn't immediately vanish lol#also!#because of that she's kind of an outsider#like...casey and vic (not-daphne) dealt with some wacky ghost stuff at their summer job in high school#working for not-vincent-van-ghoul#who needs a new name i don't like their old name...#but also like they were friends with the other two (noah/not-fred and lola/not-velma) in high school#but vanna went to a different town so she doesn't know them until the start of the story#she only sort of knows not-vvg and calls them up b/c casey's turnign into a werewolf and she doesn't know waht to do..#also her older brother's an evil wizard. possibly.#he was actually inspired by bram from music of the vampire so he fuckin SUCKS! lmao#i do have to start making characters not based off scooby doo but instead i just keep making ones based off of more obscure characters#well bram is probably less obscure than googie + had cameos in other movies. music of the vampire is more modern than reluctant werewolf.
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stumbled upon these again while thinking about aus and like oughghghHHAHAAHA i should rly finish/redo some of these sometime. pros of being a roleplayer: i have 800 emmet aus. cons of being a roleplayer: i dont have enough aus that have both emmet AND ingo
#emmet going from ''I DONT WANNA GO TO SCHOOL'' and ingo dragging him to like#emmet dragging ingo out of bed at 6 am because YAY TIME TO GO WORK AT OUR SILLY TRAIN JOB YAY!!!!#very funny and silly to me#also alola emmet + vampire grimsley is so fucking funny to meeee#taking my two aus and shoving them together#its ok instead of dying in the sunlight grimsley just gets perpetually more tired and dead looking but doesnt die frfr#listen can u tell i like emmet and grmsley from these.............. babys 2014 ship is back in my brain#doodles#submas#this tag down at the end so it doesnt actually show up in search lollll
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Yeah this is about right (as always my thoughts are in the tags so there's actually kei content there lmao)
#Hester I adore you they could never make me hate you. Seriously the first chapter in 6 (bad candy) is like my favourite opener#Kei they could NEVER EVER make me hate you. did nothing wrong ever. rhian when I CATCH you#its so funny how my two favourite characters just like. hate each other. like japeth literally kills him#sad cause they're so SIMILAR. theyre both victims of Dog Metaphor its so sad that kei does Not like japeth in the slightest#personally if they had a good long discussion about their emotions at like 3am they could've probably stopped TCY from happening#but alas. Aric. somehow its all his fault again. why do I have an aricposting tag but not a keiposting one.#Hester easily has the best overall characterisation arc I love love love the way soman writes her#I remember when I read 6 for the first time#before japeth insanity happened#I used to anticipate her chapters over like everyone else's. Hester the 1 lesbian in the series you are deeply loved#I could write whole essays about japeth and kei's characterisation it is so sad that soman forgets kei exists#like he's meant to be rhian's eagle. that's his job. that's what he's spent a Long Time anticipating becoming#but rhian refuses to acknowledge it. instead he calls Japeth his eagle in book 4's ending#He eventually falls in love with Sophie#he only ever cares about the crown#how he GETS to the crown#and bringing his mother back. he lies more than japeth#and never once does he get to be the eagle. There's only three spaces - lion/eagle/snake - and he doesn't get to be any of them#dont even get me started on how he dies. surrounded by white swans. being purely good#god rhian II try not to fuck EVERYTHING over challenge. and also Aric. its all arics fault as well#keiposting#japethposting#actually not really jposting. didn't do it that much#sge#tsfgae#school for good and evil#the school for good and evil#sfgae#the school of good and evil#as much as I adore Hester I dont think I will talk about her much in detail ever so no hesterposting yet
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⊂(^‿^)つ⊂(・ω・*⊂)
#spinaraki#spinneraki#shuichi iguchi#shigaraki tomura#mha spinner#mha fanart#bnha#mha#ive still been thinking about them A LOT. havent been posting because i have agdjflf so many wips instead#was actually working on an honest to goodness animation before i got distracted by the end of school and gifts and job searching ect ect#i might write a little stand alone fic for this 👀👀👀 the idea is simple enough with no extraneous plot so its doable#this is sketchy as hell cause i havent drawn for like a week or two or three.... anyways#lets say that Shiggy's pinky isnt touching on the left +his thumb isnt touching on the right. im not about to go fix it now so (◡ ω ◡#my friend accidentally discover their phone keyboard had the classic emoticon characters and since finding it on my phone ive#been using them so much! theyre so fun to use + i dont have to go searching through databases for them (like the old days) lmao#mha jbee
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spent $26.77 at the grocery store today 😶 i bought...
one 12oz plain cream cheese
one 6oz veggie cream cheese
half a dozen plain bagels
and two cans of red bull
ironically. the red bull was the cheapest thing in my cart, because it was on sale (2 for $6)
how THE FUCK did i spend $20 on cream cheese and bagels...
#i swear $20 used to go A LOT further than just bagels and cream cheese#literally do not know what to do bc i HAVE TO wuit my second job#and having two jobs plus school leaves me too exhausted to even do my homework when i get home#but without a second job we might not be able to afford groceries 🙃#my primary job pays so good too i should be able to live more than comfortably#19/hr plus tips should have me able to afford rent + groceries + leisure money#instead my leisure money must come from a second job#not to mention that my partner makes 17/hr plus tips and i often end up covering more rent#bc even though we both make more than minimum wage its not enough with the amount our bills have gone up
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anyway i'm such a cute shy and well behaved boy that has never let loose in his life it would be such a shame if someone was a bad influence on me ... just saying
#i feel like i come off as much Wilder on here than i would irl fjskfjsf. im a loser irl#ive only been to 2 (two) uni parties and one of them was bc it was being held by my roomie at our apt fksjfKDKSJDKS#the other one was with. my ex. looking away. but there was jollibee at it so that was very nice#only drank like a handful of times and smoked weed one and never vaped or did anything like. fun. never hooked up ...#never went wild during uni!!!!!!! tch!! but also i did like. go to school in a very large city during thr pandemic so it wasn't. safe#sniffs. now im working a 9-5 office job instead of being at tha club...
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just submitted another job application and now I want to walk into the ocean and never come back
#I didn’t think I wanted this job but now I very much want this job#please let me receive a call and an interview next week 🫶🫶👏👏🙌🙌#my other two applications were totally a bust it’s been two weeks and nothing#I want to apply to more positions in this school district but this one pays the most#and I don’t want them to be like ehhh she doesn’t have a lot of experience let’s put her in this less paying one instead#when they could possibly be like hey let’s give her a chance ya know#so I’ll apply in other school districts lmao!!#until I hear back about this position. or not. but I’m manifesting it bc it sounds perfect for me#👈 is this all wishful thinking yes! but I am going to manifest it let it happen let good things happen to me please
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Beginning to really wonder how much of my financial concern is manufactured and handed to me as opposed to something I'm genuinely concerned by
#bc like. i'm getting by just fine. i don't have anything to be reasonably worried about#but also when i was a kid my father would break down my mother's paycheck and basically explain how broke we were#and that May Have Affected Me Somewhat#as well as just. the way you consistently see the advice to just save! don't get takeout! necessities! and i'm not intent on living like#a monk nor am i intent on being on that grindset for financial gain#it's like i don't intrinsically care but i have so many messages given to me about how i need to care a lot and it puts me in a weird spot#i am simultaneously standing still and moving at mach speeds#i mean right now i just need a safety net while in between jobs; after that i need to save up to move out of state bc the uh#political situation and upcoming presidential election don't seem very sustainable for someone like me anymore#they weren't to begin with but i don't wanna stick around to see how bad it's gonna get#but it's like. okay and then what? save for what? going back to school i guess? idk#i feel like i keep asking myself what i'm trying to accomplish and keep trying to force myself to have answers#here and now when i have to be okay with taking things one step at a time instead of having everything here and now#it's simultaneously fine and terrible and i am holding two conflicting yet equal truths#i feel i may have a clearer head once i leave my current job. i'm trying to look but nothing feels appealing given how#burnt out i already feel. i dread going back into my workplace and i fear it's showing to the patients and i don't want that#i want a month off to rediscover who i am as a person outside of getting yelled at in retail and then pick something back up#could be feasible. genuinely could be. i need to sort out the health insurance aspect but. that's lowkey the plan?#to construct a financial safety net and then slam on the breaks for a while; see if i can strike up a deal with the staff about me#coming in for specific tasks bc we already know i'm quick and efficient with the inventory so i do have a little leverage#you know what. this is getting some of it off my chest and i'm starting to feel confident again lmao#i won't be doing weekends starting either next week or the week after so that's a start! i just think i want everything done right now#bc i'm afraid i won't have the chance again but i will. i definitely will#i just need to let myself get to that point; it's just the immense drain from the register work and the Everything that comes with retail#also having to accept that it's okay to leave this; there's not something wrong with me like. ''not being able to handle it'' or w/e#no mindfulness or detachment could've saved me; it was shit and i'm hitting the bricks and that's all there is to it#i've been thinking a lot about it all lately bc it's what's most prominent in my life rn of course#idk. pondering. introspecting. as i am wont to do#anyways if you've read all this you're a real mvp and i am kissing you on the hand#shai speaks
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my friends are FINALLY free for the summer (after ive spent 2 months wasting away waiting for them) and of course my work decides its the perfect time for me to go from 2 days of work every week to FOUR............ sick of this.
#im so???#i was so worried they were gonna get me to work on friday and they were like. bet. youre working 4 days in a row instead#8hrs then 6 hrs then 9 and 9.#32 hours over 4 days ....................................................................#btw all my work experience comes from working one day a week for 6 - 7 hours. and ive barely gotten used to 7/8 + 9 that has become my norm#here at my new workplace#THIRTY TWO OVER 4 DAYS.................................... dangerously close to being full time . sick of this#i know im lucky to have a job but like please. this is supposed to be a part time job for the summer and hopefully for when i go back to#school (assuming i dont drop out). like this isnt a summer job its a part time student job i dont want 32 hrs over 4 days.#sorry for whining
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brain fog is the worst symptom to ever exist ever fuck this shit
#it's clearing up a bit now which is the reason I'm able to fucking write this post#but literally I'm. grrr. every other symptom! i can take something for! or can figure out something that kinda helps!#or I at least can work around and deal with!#by work around I mean like. live around. I don't work I don't have a job lol#but brain fog I can't fucking live with#more likely than not I'm spacing out and then panicking about spacing out because it Feels Bad#if I need to focus on something for any reason like idk having to. figure out what to eat or some shit#uh I am not able to focus on that. I will instead start sobbing because I have to think for more than two seconds and it's too goddamn hard#have to remember something? oops bad news! have to have any sort of conversation or even pleasantries? yikes!#if there's something that helps with brain fog I don't know it and let's be honest I probably wouldn't think to do it!#too busy wanting to bash my head into the wall! yay!#when I was still in school it was making me feel like I was stupid#and it still does sometimes tbh#if I'm feeling a little self deprecating y'know. feeling stupid feeling useless.#my friend was messaging me today and asked my favourite candy (I assume she's buying me a birthday present or something)#and I was staring at my screen like ''what candy do I like. what even qualifies as candy are tictacs a candy. how do I phrase my preferences#in a coherent way. how do I explain that I don't even really like candy and would prefer something else. when even is my birthday.#did I plan something with her. do I need to plan things with her right now. if she wants to start a conversation how do I turn her down#without disappointing or upsetting her. what the fuck is a candy.''#and it's like girl just say starbursts are fine and close discord for the day what are you doing#hhhhngh#also all of the above was not thought in such a clear way. those thoughts were layered on top of each other and muddled and I had to dig#them out and consider them#typing my response taking way too long#and I cry! and I cry about it!#and the fact that I'm also dizzy and lightheaded and fatigued today is not helping!#guhhh#forgive me for all my vent posts forever and ever#they will keep happening forever also
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Just wish people would know that addiction is just the absence of hope/inability to plan ahead for whatever reason. Anyone would and could just stop if there were achievable short term goals & security in their lives
#and it has to be short term goals#like a promise of a job or school or something#or help with mental illness#instead of either endless boredom or pain or something#because no one is getting through one shit day to maybe work more the next and the next#when it amounts to nothing#idk dont wanna always play the trans card#tho i guess i could play some other cards too but#its just not a good life its not a bright future ahead im sorry#idk im just tired of struggling alone#and they say you dont have to which is partially true#but you cant go to any kind of system or institution when youre trans#and all your friends are as fucked up#or theres like three annoying rich trans ppl who will tell you what to do when theyve never experienced it#idk i feel pretty alienated from everyone around me#and its not like everyone has to get my deal#but no trans person i know is working class or they are but in that poor academic way#or honestly just too lazy to get a job#and then every addict or alcoholic is just some shithead#and i cant get professional help for anything in the next two years if i want to transition#because on paper im cured#so how tf are you gonna just bootstrap yourself out of this?#i mean people have just need to man up but its fucking hard
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…
#i can’t say really anything specific without effectively doxing myself#but there have been several direct attacks by The Administration this week on my industry and my workplace in specific#and now there are fancy magazine articles about Maybe The End of This Industry?? that i had reasonably thought was pretty secure!#even as i work on my grad school app in this field. and stare down the reality that i’m not qualified for anything else#and i’d have to stay in my current crap job to get tuition benefits for aforementioned degree…for likely two years……#at which point ill be [REDACTED] years old.#maybe i just launch myself into outer space instead. idk! much to consider!
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Ever since learning about my neurodivergence last year, it's made me reflect on my family's dynamic in a way that makes it so fucking funny. Like everything is supposed to be organised but it's so disorganised at the same time and in truth we're all just enabling each other. Not mention that we try to find solutions to problems that shouldn't be problems in the first place, it's a complete fucking joke.
#another thing just happened a couple minutes ago and i couldn't help but laugh because it's so ridiculous that we've had to resort to this#literally i've spent the last year or two trying to manage my life so that it's sufficient for me but also for others when i move out#and i've been failing most of the time (why do you think i spend so much time on here?)#i won't blame myself too much tho 'cause if i was in a better environment and wasn't brought up the way i was i would've been out by now#(idk if that makes sense but yeah)#honestly thinking of getting a diagnosis for smth asap bc i don't think i'm able to hold a job with how little i can manage my life already#maybe i could've gotten one when i was still in high school instead of focusing on academics bc i was told to but whatever#this is just how things turned out#2025 will likely still be my year just not for the reasons i thought i guess#thoughts#rambles#kia's posts#kia's thoughts#personal#neurodivergent#february 2025
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