#isn’t it fun when posts are borderline incomprehensible

[finitevoid]

🦗🦗🦗 gimme all of your wildcards and nobody gets hurt

i hope you're prepared for some wild wildcards

Counting Dragons by tsukinofaerii (on ao3) is an absolutely classic Strifehart fic that I still think about often to this day.

It's based off of a series of fantasy novels about people getting to ride dragons (awesome) but are trapped in a weird sexgendered social hierarchy that informs their view on said things (less awesome). They’re controversial for misogyny and the bioessentialism inherent in misogyny but I read them when I was like 9 (WAY TOO YOUNG) and thus have a complicated relationship with them.

I don’t have a complicated relationship with this fic though, because it is awesome. While you can tell the author originally planned for there to be more to it, it has such a richness to its portrayal of the world & characters. Leon in it is *chefs kiss* in my professional opinion, but the KH characters are fun and lovely as well.

There’s something really delicious about the way Leon and Cloud interact in this fic, it’s like peak pining Strifehart to me; they talk in code and innuendos, barely look each other in the eye. Can’t say exactly what they mean, every touch is breathtaking and fleeting. It’s so good.

I also have to give props to the author for finding DEEPLY creative ways to make the KH characters names fit into Pern’s established naming conventions. (Saora and Raoxas and Zakth and Cl’oud. Ugh it’s so good. It’s so fun.)

Plus Zack is Cloud’s goddamn dragon. What more do you need in a fic really.

Fax it Straight to his Heart by modeoheim (on ao3) is. Like okay. Listen. I’m not usually a fan of AGSZC. But this fic is so fucking funny.

The way to do a modern AU I like is to make it funny, it seems. This fic is one I return to a lot because it’s hysterical. There’s, like, a specific kind of Cloud I really enjoy, and that’s when he’s a beleaguered overworked retail/office worker that hates life and everyone he works with and this fic hits that Right in the sweet spot.

This fic is good because everyone else in it is so unrepentantly absolutely bonkers that Cloud is an entirely necessary grounding force. These four guys are sending love notes and fucking on their desks and arguing about raccoons in their trashcans and Cloud is just. Some guy. Trapped in a powerful hell. With no means of escape.

I love it when fics outside of the FFVII canon have Cloud and Sephiroth have some kind of utterly incomprehensible physical altercation because it’s funny and it’s meta and I can’t tell you the details because You Are Going To Read This Fic but the way this fic goes about Cloud being chased and caught is something I think about all the time.

Plus Cloud spends the whole thing posting on Twitter. What more do you need in a fic really.

How to Break a Deal With the Devil by ohmyfae (on ao3) is… a fic that I cherish. If I’m having a shitty day, this is the fic I read.

There is something extremely confronting and challenging about Prompto in this fic. I actually know that you, personally, would really enjoy Prompto in this fic. He is deeply socially alienated and mistreated in ways that are so intense they’re borderline comical and still he GRIPS onto kindness in an iron fucking clenched fist and he will NOT let that kindness go.

People are awful to him and he isn’t awful back. And it’s not because he’s naive, or something. He just. Chooses to be kind, always. He deliberately empathizes with his own tormentors. In a way, he dodges victimhood by understanding he is no better than them. He’s just unlucky.

It’s really cathartic, then, to watch Prompto find someone who cares about him, will defend him, will help him and love him and always always care for him. It’s even more cathartic to watch the empty shell that is Prompto come alive at the attention, and take the world by fucking storm as soon as he’s given the okay to.

There’s this moment towards the end where he’s finally just blunt with someone about how awful they are to him and it makes me feel like a human again every single time.

Plus Prompto has cool red eyes. What more do you need in a fic really.

[butterrdream]

Oh my gosh, I had such a fun time reading your response so of course I have to respond as well ♥️ apologies if this is response is borderline incomprehensible as mentally I am very tired (not in a bad way though <3) LOL I’m so happy to hear you read the food post and enjoyed it we were absolutely losing our minds while making it 😭😭 /lh

Yes, exactly you get me, Ein! See, I do think in many regards Reborn is set in his ways and has a bit more of a old-fashioned and “traditional” mindset (he can’t help it he’s an old man /affectionate) but for the most part he’s very open minded and always likes learning about new things! I also like to say Reborn himself is an enigma of contradictions ( for example I often joke he’s a misogynistic feminist lol /lh /hj) Akjhsjd oh my gosh Kana… It’s okay I understand your devotion though and that’s all that matters I won’t let Reborn come for you!! Number 1 Kana defender here 😤 And omg!! You’re so right this is ReboApp in their OG storyline/lore 😭!!!

Yes, that is correct 🥺Before that Reborn never really let his guard down enough to be taken care of. At least not in the same way she dotes him!! Spoiled unconditionally as you put it! And oh my gosh… The part about Nana that’s so cute 😭 I actually love the way Reborn adores Nana and calls her “mom” so much lol. Like, I just know Reborn has always craved a family of some kind so having Nana care for him like he was her own definitely is something Reborn loves about being a baby ajhdshajd /lh. Sorry, I’m rambling now but yes *to also add to your delusions and show my own delusional side* I think a lot of things remind Reborn of Apple when she’s gone. From little things like when he smells a cup of coffee and he remembers the espressos she used to make him (and the way she always scrunched up her nose when she took a sip from his cup), or when he sees Haru and Kyoko gushing over sweets he thinks about how she would have loved to eat those cakes too. But especially when he gets those small acts of kindness and love from people like Nana, where she shows him such warmth and care, his heart can’t help but ache a little extra during those times. And it’s a feeling he knows not even time will lessen. Anyway… *hides my face in embarrassment*

LMAO of course the Hibari stan advocating for Namimori 😆But yes!! I think both Namimori and Italy (wherever it is their headquarters are located) both become a place Tsuna considers home in his heart. NO BECAUSE!!! I think it makes so much sense Kurumi has to be the one to initiate because I know Tsuna is gonna overthink everything at first but once he gets comfortable and more confident he’s definitely gonna be the one trying to take the initiative more often (and isn’t that just so sweet and perfect for someone like Kurumi who loves shoujoseis and is such a romantic at heart)🥹🥹

YIPEEE, I’m so glad our takes align especially for Hibari because I have so much faith in your interpretations that that tells me my own can’t be too off or bad ♥️ “he doesn't like getting restricted after all, even by common sense!” is both an absolutely hilarious and accurate way to describe Hibari lol. Also let it be known when I wrote that Hibari doesn’t mind crowding when it’s the right person, I absolutely was thinking about Kana and imagining him chasing her just to fight her 😆 He is the one crowding around her <3 

Oh, actually when you think about it “A lot of patients (incldg Tsuna 😭) definitely got extended hospital stays” maybe Hibari actually helps a lot with making sure their bills are paid (beyond his bribery) by making sure they have lots of patience so maybe there’s more than on reason they put up with him at the hospital lol. And asdjhj “selfish self-care” is truly the perfect word for what he practices lmaoooo

For Reborn, Tsuna and Hibari for canon characters? 🥺✨ I'm curious abt ur thoughts on them too hehe

send 🍯 for a food headcanon

send 💕 for a love headcanon

send 😵 for a sickness headcanon

send ⛈️ for a sadness headcanon

Hello Ein, slowly but surely I am answering these questions hehe 💕 Thank you for sending these in I had so much fun answering them!!! I hope they are to your satisfaction!!

Edit: aahh!!! I'm so sorry I suddenly realized I forgot to do the sadness headcanons for them all!!! I gomen 😭

🔫Reborn

🍯 for a food headcanon

So… This isn’t even a headcanon but is canon as I’ve come to happily learn as I am a crazy and delusional Reborn fan my apologies ♡ but Reborn is a big foodie. Loves to eat and is actually not very picky about his food. One of his favourite things about travelling is trying all the different cuisines! Not to mention he’s definitely someone who has had the opportunity to try some of the best and even fanciest foods in the world. All that being said his favourite meals will always be a home cooked meal made with love. I won’t go into it too much here because it isn’t the right place (this is about food not family!) but I have always headcanoned Reborn as an orphan so to him being able to have a home cooked meal is a privilege he will always acknowledge in his heart and never not appreciate. 

💕 for a love headcanon

Two words I would use to describe Reborn are loyal and devoted. When it comes to the ones he loves (Both romantic and platonic/familial) Reborn believes in absolute loyalty. You may not expect this coming from a murder-for-hire hitman but once you become a loved one in his eyes you’ve gained his loyalty and devotion (So don’t make him regret it or else… Well you’ll soon be the one regretting it 🔫/j) . And he naturally expects the same from those he let’s into his heart! In fact, loyalty is a quality he can greatly appreciate in someone else (as long as it’s not blind and reckless devotion). So yes, while Reborn’s loyalties can be bought if you’re hiring him for his skills, his heart is something that can not be! 

This got quite long so the rest are gonna be put under the cut!

😵 for a sickness headcanon

Reborn himself has a good immune system! And he doesn’t allow himself to get sick often but when he does catch the occasional cold, flu, or fever, he does ignore it for as long as he can. Maybe allows himself a moment of bed rest before he’s back to the usual grind. He just doesn’t have time to be sick and naturally hates the weakened state it puts him in. 

But… after he meets Apple, and the very first time he gets sick around her she’s immediately on his case forcing him into bed and not in the way he would prefer lol and she’s fluttering and tittering around him like a worried mother hen. And for once he's being taken care of and isn’t being allowed to ignore his health. He’s understanding for the first time what it’s like to be doted on and cared for and he finds he quite enjoys it. And maybe… Just maybe, he’ll even stay in bed an extra day or two and allow his body to get some rest… 

🐟 Sawada Tsunayoshi

🍯 for a food headcanon

It takes a while for Tsuna to get used to Italian food. When he first moved away from home and relocated to Italy permanently the novelty wore off pretty fast and he found himself missing and craving Japanese food every day. The restaurants just didn’t quite make it the same way, and he especially missed his mother’s home cooking. He did teach himself to cook as he grew older, and so even when he tried to replicate her recipes it just never quite hit the same. Then when he went to go visit his mother and old friends in Namimori that first bite of the hambagu his mom made for him was just so divine… And yet… He couldn’t quite help but miss the taste of Italy as the days passed.  

💕 for a love headcanon

At first Tsuna would be rather reserved and shy about his affections. It’s not like he wants to be, heck if he could I’m sure he would love nothing more than to flaunt and show off his partner/significant-other. But he definitely has too much self-awareness and shame to do it so brazenly it’s okay Tsuna as someone with social anxiety I so get you. But this is something that changes with time and comfortability. While at first, he may even be reluctant to take their hand in public (or he'd get overly blushy and in his head about it sorta like in canon when he gets lost in his own daydreams and starts to get distracted and drool lol), but with time and growth eventually acts of affection come more naturally. He has no problem grabbing his partner's hand, putting his hand on their waist. There’s no unsureness or reluctance as he proudly introduces his partner to others, the pride in his voice even more obvious actually. One thing though that never changes is the look of love and adoration he has in his eyes when he looks at them. Still as love-sick and head over heels as the day he first fell in love. 

😵 for a sickness headcanon

Growing up whenever Tsuna was sick it was always his mom taking care of him. He never had to really think or worry much. Just rest and get better. So, the first time when he was older, and he was away from home and sick. He couldn’t do anything but lie there feeling awful and miserable in bed. Too tired and worn to even get up and get himself some water to soothe his aching throat. In that moment he missed his home in Namimori more than ever. Missed his mom, the kids and he never realized how lucky he was before to have a noisy but warm home. Eventually, he falls into a fitful rest.

When he awakens there’s a cold damp cloth over his forehead. To his side is Reborn reading some of the unfinished files he left out. No doubt judging his messy work. He hears the sound of something breaking in his kitchen before the door of his bedroom door is bursting open with flustered (and slightly angry) Gokudera holding a bowl of congee comes in. His face immediately lighting up when he sees Tsuna awake. Then, just as quickly Yamamoto is entering his room too, an apron tied around his waist. They both take a moment to ask how he is and fuss around him in their own ways. Reborn would tell them they’re both being too noisy but, in a way, only Tsuna can tell is filled with fondness. And… Tsuna knows his kitchen (and probably his living room too) are gonna be such a mess. He definitely heard something break earlier. But right now, it doesn’t matter. Instead, he just lays back down. Tired but content. 

🐥Hibari Kyoya

🍯 for a food headcanon

Hibari to me doesn’t feel like a very picky eater. Yes, he has his preferences, which lean on the more traditional side, however he’s pretty open to eating most things! And not to mention he can eat quite a bit in one sitting too thinking back to that one ova where he steals all the food lol. That being said I do think Hibari is the type to not like take out and instead prefers home cooked traditional meals instead! Now, do we think Hibari can cook? Honestly? I don’t think so. He could maybe if he really tried but why would he? He’s always had food prepared for him and if for whatever reason there wasn’t food already cooked for him, he has no problem just taking someone else’s meal. Anything within his presence is his now good luck trying to get it back❤️

💕 for a love headcanon

Hibari is absolutely an action over words person. I think a lot of people will initially think he’s not a very affectionate person, but he is! He just shows it very differently from others. In fact, I feel like Hibari often gets mischaracterized as not being very emotive but he really is! He shows his emotions with his whole body. And I think this is especially obvious when he’s with someone he’s with someone he likes/loves. He’s not gonna say outright he loves them but he’s gonna find subtle (and not so subtle) ways to be around that person. Crowding around is fine as long as it’s with the right person <3 /hj… Will he still probably fight that person though and be the absolute menace that he is? Yes absolutely.

Also, his love language is acts of service so he’s your guy if you need help hiding a body.

😵 for a sickness headcanon

He doesn’t get sick often actually! Takes pretty good care of his body but my god he is fussy as hell when he is sick. By this I mean he’s demanding. Needs to be waited on hand and foot, make sure he’s got any liquids or foods on call or already ready just when he wants it. His bed needs to be set up made just the way he likes it and better not let anyone disturb his rest or else he’s gonna make it everyone else’s problem. In general, he’d just be the worst patient to have. Perhaps that’s why he prefers to just go to the hospital when he’s feeling under the weather as that means he already has many people at his beck and call and having the hospital director bribed certainly helps with that too. Original Prompt List ☆

[anonomouslyabanana]

Thinking about how I thought I was being funny by rambling about ratatouille in the tags and the second I was done I had to face the consequences of my actions and explain ratatousical to the tppoc server

[monotonous-minutia]

because I think of it altogether too much, some dialogue on the differences in the role of the Muse in Les contes d’Hoffmann, in the play versus in the opera. Enjoy my nerdy, disorganized, former-literature-major ramblings as I spend altogether too much time picking apart the minutia of this issue (but hey, it’s in my URL, so).

In the original play by Michael Carré and Jules Barbier (the same people who wrote the libretto for the opera), the Muse doesn’t double as Niklausse. We get two separate characters–the Muse and Hoffmann’s sidekick, Friédrick.

The play opens with a monologue from the Muse, similar to the one in the opera (some lines are taken verbatim). The monologue in the play, though, isn’t about the Muse being mad at Stella and wanting to win Hoffman’s love. It is in a lot of ways a love letter to the real Hoffmann’s writing, of which Carré was a huge fan (obviously, he wrote a whole play about them). The works of E.T. A. Hoffmann were (and to an extent, still are) hailed as being unique, strange, and otherworldy compared to most of what was seen at the time. The Muse here talks about her stories as if they’re her own, and she happens upon Hoffmann in the tavern (read: when he gets drunk, he gets inspired to write weird stuff). She’s here, then, to introduce this story–the play that we’re watching/reading–as one of her own. She does reappear at the end and makes a statement similar to that made at the conclusion of the opera, that the poet had to suffer to be truly great and now that he’s given up on love she has him to herself–but it’s not that she specifically tried to make this happen, she’s just pleased that it did.

After the Muse’s opening monologue, she tells the audience that the people are coming and she’s going to hide, because they scare her. She puts on a suit and hat similar to that warn by the students that will soon be populating the tavern, so she can blend in with them and not be noticed. I’m guessing this is where the inspiration for the Muse also being Niklausse eventually (partially) comes from.

But we don’t have Niklausse in the play; we get Friédrick. Friédrick is, in my perception, ridiculously adorable. He spends a good portion of the play serving sass. There’s a ton of banter between him and Hoffmann, and some with Friédrick and the side characters as well as they collectively role their eyes at Hoffmann. So, much similarity to Niklausse. A few differences, though: the guys in the tavern love making fun of him, because he’s younger, and Hoffmann is even a little bit meaner to him than their operatic counterparts, and Friédrick is just kind of resigned to it, though he does make fun of Hoffmann at times. Mostly he feels sorry for him and feels the need to take care of him, as he can’t seem to take care of himself.

Friédrick is referred to as Hoffmann’ “shadow,” in that he follows him around everywhere making sure he doesn’t get himself arrested or shanked. He is also referred to by Hoffmann as “the voice of reason” through all his adventures, though of course Friédrick doesn’t remember any of them, since they didn’t actually happen. But he is constantly dragging Hoffmann out of trouble in these stories, which is why Dappertutto tries to off him in the Giulietta act. Dappertutto is annoyed that Friédrick first rescues Hoffmann from Olympia when she goes crazy (which is a big part of the play, and written into the libretto, but rarely ever portrayed on stage for the opera), then saves him from Crespel when Crespel tries to get Hoffmann for (as he perceives) killing Antonia (another bit that’s in the libretto but rarely portrayed onstage) and, finally, is trying to literally drag him away from Giulietta. As with Niklausse, Hoffmann severely under-appreciates Friédrick and all that his friend does for him. But when Dappertutto tries to give him a “sleeping potion” that he says will just make him pass out long enough for Hoffmann to get it on with Giulietta, Hoffmann kind of gets a reality check when he’s like “Wait, okay, but what if he drinks it and then he dies?” Dappertutto insists that no such thing is even remotely possible. I do wonder where Hoffmann’s sudden suspicion and consideration comes from. Like, is he already suspicious of Dappertutto, or is he just concerned because Friédrick is so small a single dose of Nyquil could end him? (Being a lightweight myself, I do wonder.) But we never find out either way, because Giulietta waltzes onstage and downs the poison first and of course Friédrick arrives just in time to save Hoffmann yet again. I just gotta wonder: given Friédrick is not the Muse in this version, why is it that he’s the one who drags Hoffmann out of trouble over and over again in a series of stories that didn’t actually happen?  As constantly annoyed as he seems at Friédrick, he’s the one making the choice to have him play that role. And Friédrick is pretty cool with it. I guess they were roommates.

The Muse’s role, then, comes with a different vibe. She doesn’t have any influence over Hoffmann’s love life or seem quite as imminently concerned about it. She’s not following him around in the same way; she kind of just has to wait for him to come around. She’s less assertive and pretty resigned to having to deal with the constant BS but at the same time seems less bothered by it. She’s not totally dependent on him or solely invested in him; she just likes him a lot and enjoys writing stories with him. The operatic Muse is much more definitively attached to Hoffmann and sees his love life as a direct opposition to them. The stakes are higher for them than for the Muse in the play.

The whole Muse/Niklausse dynamic on the opera fascinates me to no end. I can’t even quite put into words the thoughts I have about it. Lately when I think about the question “If you could go back in time and talk to anyone in history who would it be?” I just want to go and talk to Barbier and Carré and ask how they came to the decision to make Niklauuse and the Muse the same character because–is there really anything in literature that’s quite the same as that? We get “a madwoman, come down from the heavens, to fight with a frivolous woman over the love of a fool” (a line from the libretto) who transforms themself into their poet’s best friend, and deals with his BS which is (as I rambled on a bit in an earlier post) borderline emotional abuse in some cases and even in its mildest forms raises the question “Why, sweetie, why do you put up with this.” Well, they can’t not, can they? What’s a Muse supposed to do? They’ve got their poet and have no other purpose in life that to serve as their inspiration. What would they do if Hoffmann did actually choose Stella over them? It’s basically out of the question.

So looking then at the Muse/Friédrick dynamic was an interesting transition. I can start to see some of the pieces but in some ways it also raises more questions. Was Niklausse ever an actual person, like Friédrick? Is the Muse donning the disguise for just that one night, to be witness to the storytelling, as the Muse in the play does? Does the operatic Muse just figure that Hoffmann will be drunk enough to not notice the difference when the real Niklausse comes back later? Or was Niklausse the Muse all along, and the Muse has for years (or however long) personified themself as another student to try and win Hoffmann on his level? Further, is it Hoffmann who comes up with all the little things that Niklausse does that hints to us what his status actually is, showing that Hoffmann is subconsciously aware of the connection all along? Or is it the Muse infiltrating the storytelling as it occurs to insert themself further, trying to get Hoffmann to really see them during the course of the telling?

On one hand I go crazy over the fact that these questions are never answered, and I wonder why the librettists went from the relatively straightforward Muse/Friédrick dynamic to the super meta, almost incomprehensible Muse/Niklausse dynamic. On the other hand, I appreciate the weird genius behind this that makes me think unreasonably hard about the creative process and art in general and also the relationships we have with people in our lives who we depend on in ways such as this. Also, I appreciate how the ambiguity allows different productions of the opera to have so many interpretations of the role (although there are definitely some interpretations that can go to hell as far as I’m concerned).

Also I think a lot about the names. I think Friédrick is just a cute name and I think it suits the original character. And the transition to Niklausse makes sense: a new interpretation of the character warrants a new name–plus Niklausse comes from “Nicholas” which means “victorious people” which makes sense, you know? Niklausse triumphs in the end, so why not have a powerful name like that? If I were a Muse taking on a human form on earth, I’d want something with that kind of power, too.

[queenieofaces]

When did you know?

This post has been cross-posted to The Asexual Agenda.

I have a friend who in the last few months has started questioning if they might be queer (although they’re still trying to figure out where exactly they might fall).  They’ve been talking to me about it a fair amount, for obvious reasons.  The other day, though, we were chatting and they asked, “When did you know?”

“Which part of it?” was my immediate reply.

“Any part of it.”

The thing is, this question should be pretty easy to answer.  I have a standard narrative that I use for activism work, of course--I got my first crush on a girl when I was 15, got a crush on a guy a little over a year later, learned that asexuality existed a little less than a year after that,* but didn’t start openly identifying as asexual until my twenties.

Reality is, predictably, a whole lot messier.

Here’s a place to start: I don’t actually remember when I started identifying as a biromantic asexual.  I came out to my second partner (who also turned out to be ace), and I remember saying, “Do you know what ‘biromantic asexual’ means?” so obviously I knew the term by that point. But I don’t remember actually seeing the word or thinking, “Oh, hey, that applies to me.”  You’d think that would be a big realization, right?  There are so many narratives about people finding words for who and what they are and having huge revelations and I have...zilch.  I had read the page on asexuality years prior, so I guess I must have internalized romantic orientation as a concept, assigned myself a romantic orientation, and then...never thought about it again?  I don’t think I have a bad memory so much as it was a non-event for me.  I knew, but knowing didn’t matter as much to me as telling someone.

Or, there’s this: I got my first crush on a girl when I was 15.  I don’t think I ever went through a period of denial--it was very much “oh, okay, I have a crush on a girl; this isn’t ideal but I guess it’s happening” rather than trying to write off my feelings.  But, in hindsight, maybe it was easy for me to accept because I started experiencing some kind of nebulous attraction to girls starting...probably when I was 11 or 12 at the latest.  (It may actually have been much earlier than that--my mom got really frustrated with me when I was about 4 because I wouldn’t stop kissing this girl I was friends with.  She was frustrated not by the kissing itself but because the girl in question turned out to have chicken pox.)  I took dance classes starting in my preteens, and there were certain girls who I really wanted to impress.  Because they were good dancers, uh, yeah, that was the only reason.  I really wanted to talk to them and have them like me, but I was so painfully shy that I mostly couldn’t manage it.  One of them complimented my shirt one time and I kept timing my laundry so that I’d wear that shirt to class in the hopes that she’d compliment it again.  In hindsight, holy cow, tiny Queenie, that’s maybe not the most heterosexual behavior, but I didn’t realize that until I was in my twenties.  Before that point, it was just me having uncomfortably big feelings about people I wanted to be friends with (something I’m very good at).

Or this: when I was 12, I got into a big argument with my dad about whether or not there were too many kissing scenes in The Lord of the Rings.  I told him that the kissing scenes disrupted the flow of the plot and were excruciatingly dull, and he made fun of me and told me that he’d be laughing in a few years when I was eating up kissing scenes like candy.  I remember telling him that that wasn’t going to happen.  (I was right.  The kissing scenes in The Two Towers are still pointless.)  Do we count that as me “knowing”?  Or was that just young Queenie having a good sense of plot pacing?

Or how about this: I started being bullied when I was in my early teens because my peers knew something was off about me.  I wasn’t interested in boys (I faked a crush on a boy at one point to get people off my back), found the constant discussion about who people like liked really boring, and said some blunt and kind of mean things in response to one girl who kept monologuing about how much she enjoyed making out with her boyfriend.  She called me heartless and a monster, and I thought she might be right.  I had figured out by that point that I wasn’t experiencing what my peers were and assumed there was something wrong with me.  Do we count that as me “knowing”?  (Does it matter if I “knew” before I had the words for it?  Does it only count if I had proper words to put to the experience?  Or does it count only when I had proper words and started expressing those words to other people?)

That’s not even touching the way the language I use has changed over the past 5+ years.  I call myself queer now rather than biromantic--I’ll say I’m bi spec when I’m in bi spaces.  I used to think I was attracted to men and women more or less equally--now I’m mainly attracted to women and non-binary people.  (I haven’t been attracted to a man for...approaching a decade now.  That might be for Trauma Reasons or it might be luck of the draw--I’m attracted to people so infrequently that I’m working with a spectacularly small sample here.)  I’m much more likely to say that I’m greyromantic than demiromantic now.  5 years ago I used to be more upfront about being ace than about being biromantic--now people are much more likely to know that I’m queer but may not know I’m ace unless we’re close (or I feel the need to out myself by making an awful pun which, let’s be real, I’ve done multiple times).  But I’m not sure that we can say that I didn’t know before--it’s just that language in queer and ace communities is constantly shifting, and I’ve shifted along with it.  I’m always trying to triangulate who and what I am as precisely and concisely as I can, but sometimes it’s more useful for me to throw out “queer” than to kick off the hour-long conversation about how exactly attraction happens (or, sometimes more pertinently, doesn’t happen) for me.  

A lot of the time being able to talk to other people about something is a bigger turning point for me than knowing that thing about myself.  The first time I came out as ace was more important to me than discovering asexuality.  Which is more important: knowing or being able to make known?  Does it matter when I knew if I expected to keep that knowledge locked up inside me forever?  Does it matter when I knew if I somehow managed to forget that moment of knowing, but remembered the moment of telling someone else?

Maybe “When did you know?” just isn’t the right question for me.  It’s probably the right question for a lot of people, but introspection has always been my strong suit while expressing my inner monologue is less so.  

So, here, let me ask you: When did you know?

*Okay, so if you want to be a detective and work out my exact age it is in fact possible to do that by going through this post and previous posts I’ve made.  I’m going to ask that you not do that, or at least that if you do that you don’t post about it.  I’ve been intentionally evasive about my age for complicated reasons that mostly have to do with protecting my privacy (people knowing personal information about me is very anxiety-provoking, she says, on a blog where she frequently talks about very sensitive stuff because wow anxiety is weird), but this post would be borderline incomprehensible if I continued to be evasive--“February 2011″ means a lot less than an age for this kind of personal narrative.

[drink-n-watch]

I don’t use Twitter very much. It’s probably because I’m in the wrong timezone, It seems most people are active either when I’m sleeping or at work and by the time I get around to check, the interesting stuff is buried in a sea of adds and irrelevant retweets from people I don’t know. In any case, I just don’t have the instinct to use that platform, but on Wednesday I almost felt compelled to tweet out:

#SteinsGate is about to make me invent a time machine so I can project my consciousness to the next episode!

Read the rest of this post to find out if I liked the episode…

last time, this didn’t end well….

Am I the only one that really likes Moeka. I know that media often portrays serial killers as borderline cool masterminds that are incomprehensible to the common mortal, but I’ve read many articles stating that they are usually slightly below intelligence and suffering from a myriad of mental problems. I tend to really love murders that are depicted that way.

Moeka is pretty much a textbook case. Utterly lost and barely able to function due to social anxiety, extremely prone to being manipulated and easy to influence. She is neither smart enough nor self-assured enough to think for herself so it’s almost a relief to have someone else pulling the strings. Of course she would make the perfect assassin.When you couple that with the fact that she is almost unsustainability fragile, liable to burst at any moment and send shrapnel flying all around her, and that she is so desperate for a sense of belonging and acceptance that she will gladly sell her soul. Moeka is as likely to kill herself as to kill you. And yet she remains one of the most physically attractive characters in the show. When’s the last time you saw that particular take on the femme fatale?

the different shoes were an adorable touch 

Steins;Gate 0 is continuing to toy with our memories, both in and outside the context of the narrative. For Okabe, this means having to calmly accept the help of his greatest enemy and nightmare personified. Having tea and a chat with her as if it’s the most normal thing in the world. Denying his memories of the worst time of his life.

For Maho, it means trying to come to grips with the loss of her dearest friend by discovering a woman she never even knew, through Okabe’s feelings for Kurisu. Shattering and throwing into disarray the memories she holds closest to her heart.

cannot begin to explain the feels

For me, it meant watching Moeka casually cross paths with Mr. Braun, both unknowingly going about their business. Invalidating my memories of everything they mean to each other. It’s an impressive feat to have the emotional impact of the story weight so much more on the viewer than the characters on screen.

For the audience, it meant a wave of nostalgia as those infamous scenes of Mayuri’s death flashed across the screen once more. It meant racking our brains trying to figure out who this Okabe is. Obviously he’s lived through the trauma of Mayuri’s death BUT no one else has ever seen Moeka before so they most likely never got the computer in this world line but…

I don’t see the resemblance…

And for all of us, it meant watching our friends try to find a girl that’s been lost forever and hasn’t been born yet, just to have her miraculously show up out of nowhere, looking exactly like someone that should not be there.

The story is almost making fun of us, daring us to rely on our memories by pulling out the ol amnesia trick. From anyone else this would seem like a cheap ploy, but here…? You can’t trust your memories ever! How can you possibly even listen to them when linear time is irrelevant? I thought we would have one of those silly movie moments where someone’s identity should be obvious but everyone acts like they have no idea what’s going on. Why do I never learn? Of course Steins;Gate wasn’t going to be that cheap. Suzuha immediately recognized Kagari who seems to have reacted to Mayuri’s presence as well.

she does seem nurturing

Every week I figure it will be a filler episode, a calm set up for what comes next. That I can relax and wind down for a bit. Every week I end up getting caught by surprise by the closing credits and honestly wondering how I’m suppose to wait a hole week for what happens next. Right now, Mayuri’s future daughter, who looks exactly like Kurisu and traveled to the past with Suzuha, and was visiting Ruka’s family for unknown reasons, just crumbled to the floor of the lab before we could get a single answer. And you know what gives you amnesia don’t you…

Kagari isn’t Kurisu but she looks like her, Amadeus isn’t Kurisu but she sounds like her. Okabe and Maho were the two people closest to Kurisu but neither actually knew her. And as time passes, and memories fade, what will be left of her?

Have you guys been paying attention to the news. I haven’t and I’m kicking myself for it. Last week we briefly saw Kurisu’s dad on the news with a story about terrorism I think. This week, it seems the rash of *brainless* corpses is continuing! As a large number of dead chimpanzees and orangutans were found missing their brains. This definitely didn’t happen last time….

this doesn’t bode well…

Here are some more pics, mostly of Okabe looking really worried. That shoud tell you something!

Steins;Gate 0 Ep 5 – The More Things Change, The More They Stay The Same I don't use Twitter very much. It's probably because I'm in the wrong timezone, It seems most people are active either when I'm sleeping or at work and by the time I get around to check, the interesting stuff is buried in a sea of adds and irrelevant retweets from people I don't know.