#it doesnt even help half the time
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alk;sdgha;hkgs rn firefox has my top 3 most visited sites as youtube, tumblr, and the thesaurus
#ink post#writing#it doesnt even help half the time#thesaurus reverse dictionary and the thing that gave back 'roped into' was a nap in the end
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so I finished side order recently
#splatoon#pearl houzuki#agent 8#marina ida#acht mizuta#my stuff#inktober piece 2 :)#shoutout to my brother who reminded me i could replay the credits whenever because i had to get some extra refs for eight's model#and saved me from having to slog up the tower again#now if only splatoon could do that for every cutscene eh. please#i want to relive a lot of cutscenes and youre killing me for it splatoon#anyway did you know splatoon's official art has. well it wildly varies from piece to piece#they all follow like a very loose guidelines but also they all split off into their own things half the time#me with seven tabs of art trying to figure out if i want to do lines to separate pearl's fingers: so this one has lines but this one doesnt#'this one isnt relevant to this issue all fingers are splayed'#so in the end i just did whatever i wanted. i think that's a core tenet of art. do whatever you want. forever#also spent an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out what was etched into marina's headphones#im 98% sure it is the off the hook logo. but nothing save from booting up splatoon and checking myself would say for sure#and i didnt wanna boot up splatoon cause if i did then id inevitably be down a couple hours because 'oh well im here already. one run maybe'#but regardless!! im proud of how this came out even if i was supposed to have finished two days ago to keep with my schedule#especially the bg :) i think i did really good on that.#and eight's little smile i think thats the charm point of the whole piece and it took me about ten drafts to get it properly#i think i did good on that too.#im so enamored with splatoon rn help
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"sounds nice... having a partner"
#the walking dead game#twdg#violentine#clementine twdg#violet twdg#MAANN when clem says this in s3 JUST WAIT BBY#people who say clemvi has no basis like ep2 isnt just them working as a team for 2 and a half hours regardless of player choice#like be fr#clem telling louis that violet patching up the back wall is ok because she needed something to keep herself busy. married behavior#vi asking clem to help check in on everyone while she deals with the wall. their shared smile when she comes back outside :)#and then they sit in the leadership spot together overlooking the yard and everything theyve planned together coming to fruition :)#sorry i just think their romance set up in eps 1 and 2 is obvious as FUCK and im tired of (Some) people pretending it isnt#'i havent seen her warm up to someone in a long time' brody literally tells clem that vi seems to like her after its been 24 hours#after shes been a block of ice for a whole year. and clem just melted those walls down immediately while they fought walkers together#violet is so devoted to clem post ep1 its embarrassing for her#'i saw she had you pinned and i- shit i got So crazy...' sorry if you dont think shes in love with clem idk what to tell you#'i'll tear that boat apart before we leave without you' i know you would girlie!!!#the animators went CRAAZAYAYAYAY the way they look at each other... their little smiles at each other....even before the belltower#the way clem looks at her while they dance.... the way she puts her head down on her shoulder so contentedly....#and then she keeps her head on violets shoulder as she pulls away so clems chin gets dragged with it like she doesnt want to let go#'so you never forget that night' 'i never will' they are DISGUSTINGLY in love with each other it makes me physically ill#its 2024 and im still hearing 'i just didnt see it :/'. lazerbeams you#spaced art 2024
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is there a chance my plurality will get more clear and more defined or am i just gonna have to deal with never knowing who the fuck i am ever and not being able to predict or control any of it like forever until it maybe goes away if i get better in the future
#when i realized i had osdd i was like ''oh its gonna make sense now'' but it didnt. all that changed is i know i have it now 😭#everyone talks about it like its so clear but i just feel like im stumbling blindly through being a bunch of different people#even though i kinda share memories throughout all of it so i dont even forget what happened between stuff. its just all so blurry#i only have one alter thats actually clearly defined and she never fronts at all. and she barely shows up otherwise too#half the time i dont know when someones fronting and even when i do that doesnt help because i cant really tell who it is at all#i never know who i am or what i want or whats happening and i just have to guess and go based off avoiding what feels bad and weird#but thats hard when i literally have an anxiety disorder so everything feels bad and weird#and sometimes i just dissociate when im trying to do something so i stop and then by the time im done dissociating im a different person#and i dont want to do the thing anymore so i just have to stop. and i never know when im gonna be able to do it again#and i feel bad for being so distressed about this because its really not effecting me THAT much#its just on top of everything its really annoying and exhausting#and i already had enough trouble with my identity when i knew what it was... or when i thought i did... idk#awoo
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Redrawing/remaking my HLVRAI flowercrown au!! Benrey and Gordon are up first!! (If anyone's curious you can go looking for my old flowercrown au stuff, just be noted its was made four years ago LOL and all the old info is completely irrelevant) click for better quality, tumblr killed it 💀
Up next, Tommy and Gman Coolatta!
In the old version of the plot for this au, it had a lot to do with it being a game and such. However over the years it's changed! No longer a game, instead the Rescas explosion seemed to have had a .. strange affect on Gordon, due to him being right next to it. At least, that's what they all believe at first.
#art#help how do i anatomy#gordon freeman hlvrai#gordon hlvrai#hlvrai gordon#hlvrai#hlvrai benrey#benrey#benrey hlvrai#half life vr but the ai is self aware#hlvrai au#hlvrai benry#hlvrai art#basically! during this au each time Gordon dies he “respawns” back at the beginning. right agter the rescas explosion#however he cant bring his body back quite right each time. the different flowers represent who killed him. and the plave of injury .#benrey killed him first. through the eye. it was a misunderstanding! they were just messing around and Gordon . they thought he wasnt human#because he doesnt seem human anymore? they sense it. (so can tommy but that didnt stop tommy from yelling at benrey immediately after)#only as soon as benrey opens their eyes again theyre right back at the beginning and Gordon is trying to pull a flower from his eye. the#the same eye they shot through. augh fuck. anyway benrey is the first to remember. dr coomer and bubby are next to remember (#the betrayal and then the clones killing Gordon and then being brought back to the beginning. even more flowers. one less arm#tommy remembers last. an accidental kill.#Gordon doesnt “technically” remember! and each time hes brougt back he seems to believe the flowers are almost normal. just rescas stuff.#he can even still see out of his other eye? its fine probably. (everytime he rips a flower petal it hurts. like hes tearing through skin)#flowercrown au#feel free to send asks about flowercrown! i will answer and yhen kiss you with tongue /joke!
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sometimes looking at like Self Help Strategies lists for the symptoms I'm having is always just like:
thing that I already do
thing I have tried 10 times
thing I already do
thing that I don't have the money to do
thing I already do
thing I've been doing since I was 10yrs old to no avail
thing that is impossible given my situation
thing that doesn't apply to me
thing that I already do
thing I have already tried
hrmm, oh wait, maybe finally- OH, yeah.. okay. thing that I already do but it was just phrased slightly differently
thing I have already done
#I think maybe productivity tips help less if the reason you're unproductive is partially like.. physcial health and other extenral things#out of your control. rather than just like having trouble paying attention or spending too much time on tiktok or whatever#all the strategic to do lists in the world are not going to somehow prevent me from waking up with a debilitating migraine or whatever#or having external stressors or lacking resources and connections or other Productivity Essentials etc.#especially many tips involve stuff like 'cut off from social media' since thats the modern day time waster for so many poeple#and it's like.. lol.. i can hardly even maintain a blog even thuogh i actively WANT TO DO SO. 'shut off your smart phone!' already#done babey i fucking hate smart phones i shall never use an app unless i am forced to. 'delete tiktok' yep. already covered. tiktok and#all of those thinsg are my enemies. 'save money by cancelling some of your services' cool. already ahead of you.#who the fuck is out here paying for like 10 different subscription services. pirated videos uploaded to google drive and youtube to mp3#my beloved. etc. etc. and so on. 'socialize less' .........LOL.. if only you knew.. mr.writer of the article. i can barely muster#talking to friends more than once a month and even less if I'm actively sick (often occurence) etc. etc. ... hewoo#I think maybe instead of generic productivity tips I need more like.. how to refocus and be productive anyway even if you have a headache#or are nauseous or etc. Not that those are always things to ignore. and of course you should let your body rest and etc. But plenty of peop#e have mild physical symptoms and just work through them. Ithink something about the way my body/mind is SOO hyper attuned to all#sensory information just makes it like... constantly 'GRR well I cant focus on WRITING right now because my lef#t ear feels weird and my socks are too itchy and my back has a strange pressure and I'm vaguely warm and my eye feels some ssort of#way it doesnt normally feel and I'm hyperaware of my breathing and also nauseous for no reason' and like half of those things I#think '''normal''' people wouldnt even notice or at least would be able to just live through. but for me it's like.. nealry impossible to i#gnore and soooo distracting always. like 'wahh.. nooo we can't draw or get anything done.. my legs feel slightly heavy or something!!'#like............. ok......... who cares. thats not even a PAIN sensation it's just something weird. but it's just like.. NO. constant#mental alerts about the 'heaviness' of your legs be upon ye. Though Imean like.. yes.. 70% of the time I am in genuine pain#or having some sort of actual ailment with trackable physical symptoms. but sometimes it's just like... we could totally be working right#now and ignoring this silly thing but my brain is fixated on it for no reason uncontrollably. etc. etc. I guess it's the same way that like#most people can go to a grocery store without the whole experience being so overwhelming and so much stuff going on at once#that they have to rest afterwards but like.. in my own HOME doing NOTHING i feel like I should be able to not get overwhelmed lol. ANYWAY#Rolling my bastard little rock up a dumbass hill and so on and so forth
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thinking more about being trans
#because i want the voice drop of testosterone because training my voice has not been enough for me. i want some of the body shifts with it#and i want top surgery at some point#half because aesthetics + dysphoria and half bc they're just inconvenient#but i dont want to be a “man”#i dont want the capacity to grow a beard or a bunch of hair and have to shave all the time to keep up my looks the way i want#i dont want to “pass” the way some people do#i dont want bottom surgery for sure and i don't have any desire to have a dick or anything. ideally i would be like a doll with no features#i certainly have no plans to stop dressing feminine#i like being my androgynous twink self#and theres certainly a lot of aspects of femininity i do enjoy#jewelry makeup skirts certain aestheitcs long hair etc#i just want to be able to wear those things in a way that i am no longer a woman but a feminine man instead#i want to be one of those weird 80s twinks who would steal your boyfriend while wearing your dress and looking better in it#or like half the men you see in regency shows with the long hair/fine features/gentle manner etc#idk. i dont want to be a man. i genuinely feel like im putting on the wrong skin saying im a transman#genderqueer/agender is the closest i think ill ever find#but god i just wish id been born a man and then had the freedom to explore looking like a girl#little fucked up freak femboy stuck in some body that doesn't feel like its mine#maybe going on t will help me feel comfortable with growing out my hair again tho#idk. spitballing#it doesnt even matter that much rn. i have to delay my t appointment because of other medical shit#but man are there a lot of thoughts up here that will never in any way make sense to most people or be accepted by greater society
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how the fuck do you draw nature backgrounds holy shit
#trying to draw crimson rivers fanart 😐😐😐#NOT having a good time#its so stressful#ITS THE ONLY THING I HAVENT FINISHED#IVE EVEN TRIED HALF ASSING AND BLURRING IT AND EVERYTHING#IT JUST DOESNT LOOK RIGHT#someone. pls. how do i do this.#artist struggles#art struggles#artist#background art#backgrounds are my enemy#please help#marauders fanart#jegulus#crimson rivers#fanart#digital art
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Excuse the YouTuber in the corner I'm too lazy to switch to a different video but, it's probably a pretty easy conclusion to come to that KH might function off a somewhat stable time loop but nothing has really made it feel blatantly obvious than realizing that actually, since Ansem SoD sent Young Xehanort to Scala, that would mean there would have to be a starting timeline where the first SoD went back to start the loop, meaning there has to be a timeline where Xehanort never left Destiny Islands MEANING there has to be a timeline where SoD never existed, and as such neither did Xemnas and Terranort never happened along with basically everything else. So are we in fact confirming that KH does indeed function off a stable timeloop that never truly "started" somewhere and has just always been this way, or what in the world could have happened to still lead Xehanort to Scala without interference? Cuz now I have to wonder, if we're going by stable timeloop, then either Sora creates the tear in time every loop effectively creating endless ones over and over which could lead to a bigger problem(or not a problem at all if it's supposed to happen??) OR this is somehow the first deviation, which doesn't feel likely considering obviously Quadratum and Srelitizia being there seems to be decidedly factored into the equation here, but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it hasn't been. Or maybe the problem is that Sora's genuinely not supposed to be there. Idk where I'm going anymore, but basically if time started somewhere and it hasn't always been a loop, how did we get HERE to the point in the screenshot where SoD/practically everything was able to exist to "create itself" essentially??? And I don't think that's possible without outside intervention, so it's gotta be a stable timeloop!
#(and heres how i can prove MoM is future Sora from the past cuz time loops back around!!!) no i dont wanna make it about that even tho i do#but also now i wonder how MoM meeting young nort even factors into anything when it feels like dark road is the reason he went down his path#like. what further push could meeting MoM have possibly given him that dark road didnt???#especially since its before the exam#granted imo nort seemed so absent emotions wise from everything happening in DR that i feel like it didnt really affect him at all#i think some interal dialogue from him would have helped tremendously cuz hes just so blank during the whole story#like it does fit his personality as the quiet guy but like. it makes it look like he doesnt care about anything happening#so i mean. if he kinda didnt then yeah maybe the MoM meeting did help push him along#granted i dont remember half the dialogue and ive barely started the video the screenshot is from so like. let me cook before you correct me#i'll correct myself when i get there and remember all the dialogue lol
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Arcane season 2, act 2, got me crying on my couch by myself
#kee speaks#arcane spoilers#and its not even just the events happening in the show#but its got me non stop thinking about my sister#like on netflix itself: my sister was the one that set up the account and she gave me a profile on it#and so its just been her name and my name on the profile select#my bil never made his own profile he would just use hers#and he asked me if im alright with seeing her name on there still and i said yes its fine#so he hasnt changed anything so every time i open netflix i see her name and her profile picture is Vi#here in act 2 after the time skip and Vi's hair is now black and she looks so much like my sister#i already associated Vi with my sister becauss they are so similar but now with the black hair just like my sister#and at times accentuating the curve on the bridge of her nose just like my sister had#and then with Jinxs sorta adopted baby sister Isha#which already the first time seeing her name in the subtitles my heart stopped because thats the latter half of my sisters name too#there are other factors too but the gist is that this show just reminds me of my sister so much#and that ending with Isha just hit me very hard#i didnt even realize i was getting emotional until suddenly i was sobbing#😭😭😭😭#(doesnt help either that im still fighting this sickness too)
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sits up in bed. fuck dude six/arcade would be such a good ship.. fuckkkkk
#juno.txt#i cant sleep ive been having Thoughts. Gay Thoughts#six and arcade are very much on the same philosophical wavelength and six respects him a lot (as much as they also tease him)#the respect goes both ways but neither rly admit it. arcade doesnt wanna change anything between them and six doesnt realize this could#become anything in the first place lol#six doesnt rly explore freeside (and by extension doesnt meet the followers) until after killing benny and teaming up w yes man and all that#them slowing down and reconnecting with the regular people of freeside is what helps them get over the initial shock of the whole#being largely responsible for the fate of the mojave situation#they don't talk abt benny at all during this time (half cuz guilt/grief half cuz they dont wanna get blamed for murder lol)#but they are NOT over him at all. theyre still processing the idea they were even into him to begin with but that moment has long passed now#but arcade isnt an idiot and though they dont tell him outright what happened he can put the pieces together#and it's not a big deal or anything but he does listen to them talk abt it and their anxieties abt the future and all that#and they toss ideas at each other for a while that night before they both get tired#and after that they start looking at each other a little more fondly#idk where it goes from there I'll write more non fanfic when it isn't 1 am#fnv#technically
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netflix one piece live action feels a little like fanfic in that it makes sure it hits all the important notes but doesnt do all the work to make them hit which works in fic where the reader is supposed to bring all the emotional story investment from the original but doesnt work in a multi million adaptation that is supposed to be able to stand on its own or even serve as an intro to the series. it even does this in service to have more koby and helmeppo gay moments in this essay i w
#one piece#opla#the fleshing out of koby and helmeppo is like honestly good its a beacon of light its truly really fun#and all the actors are great it is just what they are given .#they didnt let nami do any real betraying. they didnt even have her steal the merry!! she just stole the map that they added in!!!!#ddont get me started on the gutting of sanjis intro. i dont give a shit about if don krieg appears or not i need to see this guy fuckin#feed the hand thats about to kill him im going to start shaking like a dog.#im almost madder krieg appeared for just a little id rather have that time be used for. anything else really.#like have one of arlongs guys starved half to death when they get to arlong park!or idk anything! no gin appears look its gin! you know him#sanji doesnt even get to beat the shit out of a shitty guest. like i guess he does a little but it feels so blink and you miss it#+the first like two eps were good!! buggys great hes scary and weird and fun. i dont mind that he sticks around longer in theory#but the way he is comedic relief instead of basically every character having funny bits is like. ahghhhgggg. its a symptom of this really#mean and edgy feeling the whole thing has. like the removal of people missing usopps pirate calling :( and how cocoyashi didnt know#nami was working to help them. like p. please. can we have caring and bonds in this world?? trust and love???#anyway. sorry for having expectations of a netflix show im so close to putting this into a more proper form rather than tags. just to get i#all out of my system cause fuck man.#anyway solid 7/10 not as bad as it couldve been
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Store managers said even a few minutes overtime will be a write up
I'm calling bullshit
#i work in a fucking deli you think im getting everything i need cleaned in exactly 2 hours?#on a slow day yes bc guess what im not helping customers til 8#but on days like today where we have a sale? and are pretty busy??? fuck no#and! itd be so much easier if we could shut things down even just slightly early (even 30 min could help)#but nooooooo#wednesday when i close imma shut down one of the slicers at like fuckin. 5. (start earlier) cause thats what slows me down#after 8 when i gotta sharpen then clean them all on top of putting food away. collecting dishes. wiping down counters and scales#wiping glass. the wing bar. the whole bird case. sweep. spray the floor. scrub it. then push all the water into drains#or idk do very quick cleanings of the slicers. SOMETHING to speed it up by 8#if i somehow do get a write up im gonna call up my union rep and see if a literal few minutes overtime to finish cleaning is fine#bc its either a few minutes overtime or some shit don't get done (like my cook today didnt get to do her floors cause she was#cooking until 7 and it takes a while to clean the fryers on top of all the other dishes. machines. counters and WALLS. and the back floors!)#my coworkers have claimed the union does jack shit and maybe thats true. or. there is a chance they just werent fucking annoying about stuff#cause like. i get it the store doesnt wanna pay overtime. then it should give enough time for us to PROPERLY do our job#otherwise itll be half-assed and people will get written up for THAT instead#and id get it if theyre annoyed if youre like. 20+ minutes overtime#but fucking 5 minutes? or even just 1 (as manager warned/threatened)???? if i do get overtime for those minutes i guarantee its barely#anything considering i get paid 15.50 an hour#anyways. im pissed off. and skipping asl tomorrow even if i risk the administrative drop#im skipping the day of that deadline but my grades are decent (a B that I can turn to an A so long as I don't miss more assignments)#so im not too worried. if my professor asks i will say i was incredibly sore (true. my arm/shoulders/back/legs/feet hate me rn)#as well as exhausted (also true. i got home at 10:30 its currently 11 and im wound up so i definitely wont be getting to sleep for a while#and i dont fancy trying to do asl on like. 5 or less hours of sleep with a sleep-and-magnesium (i forgot to take the vitamin) deprived brain#anywho hope yall have a better night 👍#amber's shit you can ignore
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...
#sorry im thinking abt death again#because it's weird to think that ive been in the room. maybe a meter away from someone as they died#that someone being my mom. its just weird. the time in the hospital feels like it happened in some dark little pocket universe detached from#time. a calm room and then the soft blips of a monitor then the nurse rushing in to say she'd passed#i dont kno y ppl use that phrase: passed on. i mean i do. it softens the topic. makes it sound peaceful. ive yet to use it. i just say she#died bc thats what happened. is that insensitive? i dunno. when i was home i realized that i come off as much stranger than i think. the way#my family see me doesnt fit how i see myself. i dont kno what to do with that. i dunno. theyre all together today#for an early easter. and im halfway across the country again. nose so stuffy ive had to mouth breathe for the last 3 days#and again. everything feels the same as it did before but also profoundly different. sometimes i cry in the mornings. or when i think abt#future vacations she wont be there for. bc in the end she quickly slipped away in a way that couldn't be described as peaceful until her#last half a day. and all i can think about in that tiny room is how scary it would be to lose control like that#and how its not fair and she didnt deserve to die only halfway through a lifetime. but its not about fair and its not about deserving.#sometimes bad things just happen. that's life. and now i own a book called motherless daughters. and now im standing with the countless#others who've lost their moms too early. ive already become aware of 3 ppl in my daily life who are in the same club#i keep thinking about this moment that happened between my parents at the hospital. apparently my dad was helping her get cleaned up and her#stomach was so bloated she looked like she had a bby in there. which my dad said. and my mom apparently said: but it's a baby no one want. i#dont kno y that upsets me so much. all the things i heard abt her being in the hospital before i got there upset me. and the rest of my#family was there to see it. so i have the least traumatic version of the story. and i got almost 27 years with her. except my sisters#probably got more time with her bc i spent so much time away. or maybe not. i dunno.#i dunno. im just sad that shes gone and sad that it was drawn out even a little bit. 6 days isnt long but im sure it felt like an eternity.#again not fair. nothings fair. 53 years of unfairness culminating in a tragedy. she would hate me characterizing it like that. she lived a#full life as they say. full with an asterisk on account of length#unrelated
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*shaking and crying* where is Urizen
#“monsterfucker website” they cant even handle the 20ft tall grotesque demonic half of a cambion#lowkey blame VoV for that. like I love that manga to death but god did the last chapter did not help the whole-#“V is his own person/is *the other half* of vergil (and not like. one half)” interpretation. bc then wtf was urizen for.#and tbh the game itself doesnt make it easy bc *obviously* we spend more time with V than with urizen. and then there's vergil's World of V.#and I guess its obvious both game and fans would focus more on the pretty goth bait and The Literal Best Character On All Time-#rather than mr. 1 dimentional boss fight demon but FUCK MAN now im pissed off that he is treated as unimportant-#and/or straight up forgotten that he even existed. like fuck he IS vergil's power. gone wild and without goal but he IS part of vergil#just like V is. and if V couldve “gotten his own character” during the time he was separated then why the fuck couldnt urizen?#<- sidenote I do not like the whole “V is/got his own character” thing. like no thats still vergil to me.#and yeah the last chapter of VoV fuck that up for me but im mainly of the opinion that-#if vergil exists. neither V nor urizen can. and vice-versa.#which imo SHOULD be the logical way but I guess nobody but me like urizen for what he is or represent. so its all about vergil and V#(who is STILL. FUCKING. VERGIL. TO ME. HNHNHNGNHN)#anyway whatever.#justice for urizen#tagging later
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