#joe chansky

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Nermina: What's your greatest weakness? Joe: I'm uncooperative. Nermina: Give me an example. Joe: No.

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Joe: You're like the dad I never had.

Pana: You didn't have a dad?

Joe: I did but he sucked.

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Pana, on the phone with Joe: Joe, the worst thing you can do in these situations is taking matters into your own hands.

Joe, over the phone: Got it.

Joe, after hanging up, to Nermina and Finley: We’re gonna have to take matters into our own hands.

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Pana: I have made the decision to trust you.

Joe: A horrible decision really.

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Ben: Hey Mina! How tall are you?

Nermina: 187 cm

Ben: Fin?

Finley: 181 cm

Ben: Noah?

Yuval: 179 cm

Ben: * teasing tone* Joe? How tall are you?

Joe: …Fuck you!

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Joe: When you’ve been in the Ocean as long as I have, you develop thick skin.

Ben: Navy blue is not your color.

Joe: Navy blue…bRINGS OUT MY EYES YOU PRICK!

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[Joe reads a picture book to Sam]

Joe: The cow says 'moo'

Joe: Butterfly don't say nothing

Joe: Pig says 'You have the right to remain silent'

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Finley: I made you a friendship bracelet! Look! Joe: I’m not into jewelry, kid. Finley: Oh :( sorry :( I’ll give it to Ben. Joe: I'm gonna wear it FOREVER back off!

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Nermina: J, where are you going? Joe: Well, that depends. Joe: When I die, probably hell. Joe: But right now I'm going to the bathroom.

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Nermina: You could have died! Joe: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood is supposed to be.

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(At the airport) Benicio: Have a safe flight! Joe: I have no say in the matter. Benicio: Die then.

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Benicio: Anybody under 5’9 can’t talk about fighting someone. Like, what are you gonna do? Headbutt someone in the nipples?

Joe: Say goodbye to your kneecaps, asshole.

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Joe: You’re pretty dumb. Nermina: Thank you. Joe: Why are you thanking me? I just insulted you. Nermina: All I heard was ‘you’re pretty’. I’m focusing on the positives of life.

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Nermina: Nope. Bad idea. Joe: There are no bad ideas, Mina. Only good ideas that go horribly wrong.

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Joe: I think I’m finally ready. Nermina: For what? Joe: Death. Nermina: What? Joe: I’ve experienced it all. Nermina: That’s not okay! Joe: I’m gonna go die! Nermina: Why are you smiling?

[ggghostbutt]

Joe: I feel like I don't say this enough but... Joe: F U C K! FUUUUCK! F UCK FUCKK!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!! WHAT,, IS, GOING, ON!!!!!