#kinda angsty. sorry!!! I've never written angst before...

[kaakelymaakely]

ROTTMNT LEO X READER TEASER 2

Much shorter than the first one lolz. just a snippet of a scene tho *big cheesy smile*

--

“Sorry. can't make it 2nite. upset stomach :("

Your short message blinks at Leo, almost tauntingly so. He uncurls from where he was positioned on his side, instead rolling to splay out on his back, the bed curving to the shape of his shell. He has his phone a few mere inches away from his face, thumbs supporting the weight of it from falling onto his pinched frown. 

You had written to the group chat, the one that included his whole family. It wasn't unusual for you to skip out on movie nights, citing an upset stomach or a raging headache. They would be hypocrites to say anything. Donnie will sit out, locking himself in his lab because of phantom impressions squirming across his backside and soft shell, like maggots digging into soil. Or Mikey, when his wrists sear with a burning pain, as if the skin is flaking off in giant, glowing chunks. Or Raph, because of the raised skin around his eye, the throbbing sensation feeling too similar to alive pulsing, like something was under the surface, threatening to break free.

Leo never sat out on movie nights.

Why would he, when the alternative would be to sit alone in his dark room, dark enough to where he couldn't see his hand in front of his face? It used to be comforting. Used to be the one place he could drop his splitting smile and just sit, devoid of any overwhelming emotions or purposeful overreactions. The curtains are drawn, the spotlights are dimmed, the audience dispersed, and he's alone on stage. But he couldn't get the blood taste out of his mouth, the disgusting sulfur smell that churned his stomach, as he was smashed to pieces again and again until all he could do was perform. Until Leonardo was gone, and all that was left was happy, go-lucky Leo whose basic expression was a snarky grin.

Wipe that grin off your face.

Leo blinks as something buzzes, and suddenly he's ripped from that horrible dark dimension and all he can see is light, light, light, until he finally registers it as his phone illuminating his face. It jingles with an incoming notification. Leo takes in a deep breath because his lungs aren't punctured. Lets it fill his chest because his ribs aren't shattered. And lets it slow the rhythm of his heart because it's surprisingly still pumping blood. Leo isn't dead. 

The phone buzzes again, vibrating his already shaking hand, as his brothers respond with varying levels of support and kindness. Donnie likes your text, Raph sends a simple red heart, and Mikey writes back a heartfelt message. His family isn't dead. And as his phone hums with another notification, Leo releases his breath, because you aren't dead.

"Can you pls come over? I need you here." 

You had texted, but not in the group chat-- instead to him, privately. He practically drops his phone on his face. Those last four words make him squirm with an emotion too big for him to name. He fights back the urge to grin-- the memory of that twisted smile as he cried and bled out onto his family portrait as a far-too-familiar figure rears back to deliver another blow, too fresh on his mind-- and instead places his phone onto his plastron. He tucks his other arm behind his head, propping it up to get a proper view of his ceiling, decorated in his glow-in-the-dark stars. 

Leo traces patterns of constellations. They didn't have stars in the Prison Dimension, just streaks of darkness. He couldn't even properly identify it as any color-- not even black. It was like the sensation of when you closed your eyes, hints and traces of colors threatening to pop up, but none making an appearance. It was a lack of color. A lack of anything. His throat contracts, swallowing back a pained whimper. Fear licks at his stomach, makes itself known in the dryness of his mouth. They don't have stars in the Prison Dimension, he reminds himself. He ignores the fact he's looking at fake stars, and ignores the fact he's beginning to make up his own constellations, and instead goes back to the fact that you texted him out of everyone else.

Why him?

[reidrum]

how dare you think it's romantic, leaving me safe and stranded

A/N: if i stared at this any longer it would never see the light of day...so here she is! this is the longest fic i've ever written and i'm kinda gagged about that but i really hope you like it and if you don't that's okay too this is just silly angsty brainrot anyways thanks for reading this my inbox is open if you wanna yap more summary: in which your kidnapping forces you and spencer to face the fallout following your recently ended relationship cw: angst, hurt/comfort, reader is kidnapped/held hostage, implications and mentions of SA to reader but nothing happens, cm type violence, ex!spencer, lowkey lovers to enemies back to lovers, cat adams, medical jargon, miscommunication trope, the bau team is family, afab!reader, pet names wc: 5.1k

Every case you and Spencer have been on has been insufferable for the rest of the team since your falling out, if it had to be given a name. Everyone always had to deal with your constant bickering and harsh words. It was the same in every case, a difference of opinions that led to incessant fighting between you two, Hotch would have to separate you both and use your joint intelligence separately for the sake of keeping everyone alive.

This last case was nothing different, a serial killer in Athens, Georgia who was religiously sacrificing young women in the name of a cult. Both of you fighting over what you believed the other to be wrong about in their part for solving the case. Spencer thought the unsub would have struck in a zone closer to his home, you assumed he was only going after women who resembled someone in his life. The real problem was that you were both wrong.

And it ended with you being held hostage.

It all happened so fast. You were in the car with Spencer and Rossi driving out to the unsub’s house to check for new evidence when you had stopped at a gas station about 15 miles out from the house to refuel. Rossi got out of the car to pump the gas, Spencer sat in the passenger seat, and you went inside to use the bathroom and grab a quick snack.

You quickly washed your hands after finishing in the bathroom and wiped your hands on your pants, still slightly damp as you turn the handle of the door. As you’re perusing the aisle looking for a snack, you can feel the presence of watchful eyes on you. Casually, you slowly look up and around at the source and clock a figure an aisle over with a cap turned downward blocking their face. 

Your gut was sending flares up, telling you that danger was near. You nonchalantly walk over to the aisle he’s in, pretending to look at the nuts and dried fruits while attempting to get a look at his face. In a (maybe not so) bright idea, you think to knock a bag of nuts on the floor next to the lurker’s feet in the hopes he’ll bend down to pick it up for you.

With a push of your hand, the bag knocks off the shelf and onto the floor and you both bend down to pick it up.

“I’m so sorry about that,” you chuckle lightly, “I’m such a clutz.”

“No problem at all, Miss—.” He stops talking all of a sudden, you’re unsure why. You follow his gaze to your left hip where your FBI credentials are peaking out.

Shit.

He draws a weapon faster than you’re able to react with getting your own out, and by the time yours is out the barrel of his is flush with your forehead.

“Drop it.”

You quickly recognize the man as your unsub, miles away from his hunting ground and about to stray from his victimology with you.

“Come on, up. We’re going for a little ride.” He snarls, glancing outside at the black SUV with your colleagues. He grabs you by a hairful and drags you out the back door, shooting the gas station clerk before making the escape with you to his pickup truck. You’re shoved against the car door, back facing him, as he place a zip tie on your wrists and opens the door to sit you in the back seat. The unsub gets in the driver’s seat and starts the car, glaring at you through the rear view mirror, “I’m gonna have fun with you, fed.”

Meanwhile, back in the car Rossi stands at the pump waiting for the tank to fill and Spencer remains in the car looking over the case details once more. He can’t help but feel something is wrong, but can’t place his finger on it. He looks over the details again meticulously, searching for a fault anywhere in your, or even his own logic. Rossi closes the tank and hops back in the car, “She’s not back yet?” he pondered.

Spencer hadn’t even realized you weren’t back yet, “I guess not,” something wasn’t right, “She went ten minutes ago right?”

Rossi nods, opening his mouth to speak when a gunshot coming from the gas station cuts him off. The men look at each other, eyes widened and rush out of the car, weapons drawn.

“FBI!” Rossi enters, looking for any sign of you but coming up empty. Spencer takes note of the disheveled store, produce and cans lying astray. He steps around the mess to find an out of place bag of sour gummy worms on the floor in the middle of an aisle only filled with nuts and dried fruit. 

Sour gummy worms were your favorite.

A sinking feeling settles in Spencer as he tries to fight the reality his brain is trying to tell him. He looks to Rossi with a pained expression, and Rossi matches it back.

“He took her.”

___

The next few hours are a blur for Spencer.

Rossi called the team to meet them at the gas station, already telling Garcia to hack into the security cameras to find any clue of where he’d taken you. Emily and Derek were checking out the crime scene, Hotch and Rossi talking to the sheriff. JJ finds Spencer staring off onto the one road connected to the station.

“We’re gonna find her, Spence.”

He whips his head up at the sound of her voice, “I should’ve realized sooner. I knew there was something off about his MO, a—and I just couldn’t place it. And now she’s gone and it’s all my fault and I never—“

“Spencer,” JJ interrupts softly, “You couldn’t have known. None of us did, even her.”

“I should have,” he laments, “And if she…if something happens to her because I wasn’t paying attention…” He trails off, too afraid of what his brain thinks is the ending of the sentence.

JJ offers him a sympathetic look, understanding the conflicting emotions, “We’ll find her, she’s strong. You know that.”

He stares back at her hoping, praying, that she’s right and you’re going to be okay. You have to be.

He’s pulled out of his head by Morgan calling him and JJ over, telling Garcia on the phone to repeat her findings.

“Okay, I think I have a lead based on the security camera footage on the car he has and where it’s been last seen. I’m sending the last known coordinates to your phones now.” 

An idea springs to him, “Garcia, can you also check the gas station records and see how much he filled his tank?”

The clacking sounds of her keyboard ring through the phone before she speaks again, “He didn’t fill a full tank, only like, fifteen miles worth of gas.”

Everyone looks up at each other in realization of what the new information means. You had to be close by. Morgan walks over to tell Hotch, who immediately talks to a state ranger about setting up a 15 mile radius around the gas station with monitored roadblocks, no entry or exit without inspection. 

After Hotch finishes he walks back to Spencer and lays a hand on his shoulder, “Good job, Reid,” He nods back with a thin lipped smile and fiddles with his pen anxiously, “Are you okay?”. Spencer can’t tell if he’s genuinely asking him or if he’s asking him for the sake of him being able to do his job properly considering the circumstances. Ever the profiler that man is, he thinks.  He nods again nonetheless and walks over to meet Derek at the car.

Spencer and Derek get into the car and set the route for the coordinates Garcia gave, ETA 14 minutes. He swallows nervously, do you even have 14 minutes? What if he’s too late? What if you’re not even there? What if he never got to tell you—

“Reid. Are you even listening?”

“What?”

Derek raises his eyebrows as he glances at his friend, “Got something on your mind?”

“Nothing.”

“You’re a shit liar, man.”

“I’m not lying.” Even he doesn’t believe himself.

“Spencer—“

“I’m just worried! Okay? We’re all worried, it’s not a big deal.” he snaps.

Derek stops at a red light and looks over the console, “I’m going to ignore whatever that was,” guilt sweeps over Spencer’s face as he continues, “I’m not stupid kid, I know how you’re feeling. But you can’t let whatever turmoil you got in that big brain of yours affect this case. Not now.”

“I know that, Morg—“

“No, you don’t. I know you’re thinking about her, we all are. And we all want—need—her to be okay too. We will find her, but we can’t let the unsub get away too.”

Spencer sighs outwardly seeing the truth in his words. As concerned as he was about you he needed to remember this was still an active case. He couldn't let your past with each other cloud his judgement, even if the fallout still haunts him every day of his life. He needs to save you, but he also has a job to do. He just wasn’t sure if he’d remember that when they finally found you.

——

A pounding in your head stirs you awake, the bitter taste of metal flooding your senses as you come to. You blink a few times adjusting to the lowlights of the unfamiliar environment, hoping to find something distinguishable to ground you back to reality. It doesn’t help once you realize the blood crusted over your eye is the reason for your obscured vision. You attempt to rub it off on your shoulder ignoring the sharp pains shooting up from the abrasive contact. 

Once you think you’ve cleared enough you blink a few more times registering your surroundings to be a house, a cabin more accurately. Your memory is a little fuzzy as you try to recount what happened before you were knocked out cold.

Gas station. Unsub. Unsub at the gas station? But where was I…I went to the bathroom… and was getting…gummy worms?… But Rossi and Spencer were just outside… now I’m here…so does that means the unsub—

“Oh good, you’re awake.”

You jolt at the voice—the unsub you’ve come to remember—and you realize your hands are tied up behind your back, quickly coming to the second realization that you are rendered both injured and immobile.

“What do you want, Jason?” you say hoarsely after a minute.

He chuckles, “I didn’t know they made them so pretty at the academy…” he walks over and kneels in front of you, gripping your chin between his forefinger and thumb to move your head, “They probably kept you around for…entertainment right?”

You whip your head, “Don’t fucking touch me.”

“Oh, you’re feisty. That’s good, keep it up. Makes this more fun.” he walks back over to the table and fiddles with something, you can’t really tell from the floor, “So how’d they make it work back in—what is it called—Quantico! They take turns with you or? There’s so many of y’all, probably had a system.”

The pounding in your head makes it more difficult to process anything he’s saying, “The hell are you talking about, take turns with what?” you ask, wincing through another wave of pain.

He turns around holding a metal rod and walks over, angling the rod under your chin to tilt your face up to meet his as he snarls, “I can’t wait to see how it feels to fuck a federal whore.”

All the color drains from your face and you kick into whatever gas is left in your autopilot. Your feet are flailing in every direction, body thrashing violently to prevent Jason from getting a good grip on you. You quickly learn the purpose of the metal rod hearing the clang! first, a millisecond passing before the pain and threat of unconsciousness spreads through your brain. 

The hit takes you out long enough for him to pin you down on the floor, the weight of his body landing on you before the metal rod goes for your limbs. It’s then you realize the throes of death have wrangled you for what appears to be the last time, and it’s probably wise to start saying—thinking— your final words.

To my parents, I love you. To Derek and Penelope, thank you for letting me third wheel with you. Emily, I’ll miss our weekend Sin City excursions. JJ, please give your boys the biggest hug from their favorite aunt. Rossi and Hotch, you always cared for me like I was your own—I am so grateful for you.

And Spencer…Oh, Spencer. How I hoped I would have the time to say I’m sorry for what happened, I hope you’ll forgive me in due time. I wish I told you that nothing about us ever changed for me. You were and will always be, My Spencer, I just wish I could tell you one more time how much I lov—“

“FBI, Drop your weapon!”

A clattering sound of something dropping rings directly next to your ear and the weight that was on you alleviates at the same time. You groan out and instinctively curl up on yourself, the pain spreading throughout your body. The sensory overload is so much you don’t hear the approaching figure crouching next to you.

“Hey Hey Hey,” Spencer stutters, quickly making work of the ties on your hands and holding you gently as he lays your head on his lap cradling you close, trying to hide the forming tears when he hears your whimpers of pain, “You’re okay, it’s okay. The medic’s coming.” He looks back to where the unsub was and watches Derek put him in cuffs, nodding at Spencer before walking out with Jason.

“…Spencer?” you whisper out weakly. You think you’re dreaming honestly, that in the wake of death you learn heaven isn’t a place but only his arms.

“Yeah, honey, it’s me.” he chokes out looking back down at your bruised face. He’s unsure how you still look angelic even when you’re hurt, but it doesn’t surprise him that you do. You were always good at defying the laws of nature, he prayed it extended to your immortality.

“It hurts.” you pout pathetically.

He brushes a strand of hair out of your eyes gently, “I know it does, honey I know. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry this happened. I should’ve been there. I’m sorry, baby.” he whispers tearfully.

You cough out and whimper in pain, “I’m sorry too.”

Spencer shakes his head vehemently, “No, don’t apologize. Don’t do that, just keep your eyes open for me, okay? I’m right here, I won’t leave you.”

The tiredness soon wins and your eyes flutter close. Before Spencer can even panic and beg you to open them again the medic finally comes and asks him—pulls him— to move so they can start working on you.

He reluctantly backs up and watches on with glossed over eyes, barely registering all the things they were sticking in you to wake you up. The medics stabilize your neck with a C-SPINE and lift you onto the gurney, wheeling you back to the ambulance. The same medic who asked Spencer to move comes up to him again, “We’re taking her to Georgetown Medical, you’re allowed to ride in the back with us if you want.”

You slowly come to again on the gurney and Spencer meets your open eyes before you even realize they’re on you. Without hesitation he says, “Yeah, I’m coming.”

The medic team lifts your gurney inside the rig, and right before Spencer gets in he feels a hand on his shoulder. He turns around to find Hotch, “You’ll be okay?” 

It’s a loaded question. He’s not asking if Spencer is okay at this moment, because it doesn’t take a profiler to see that he’s the farthest from it. He says it as a grounding reminder knowing how Spencer gets about you. It didn’t matter to the team if you both fell out, the pair of you never faltered in your subconscious for each other. Both of your actions always moved faster than your brains, especially when it involved the other. 

That’s what worried his Unit Chief.

He nods and Hotch gives his shoulder a light squeeze, “Keep us updated,” the concern clearly etched in his eyes breaking through his usual stoicism as he looks inside the rig, “We’ll meet you there as soon as we can.”

Under the bright lights of the ambulance he’s—unfortunately—able to really take inventory of the injuries you sustained. The blue and black bruising scattered your limbs, the congregation of it on your stomach telling him you have at least two broken ribs. His eyes trail further down your body before abruptly stopping, but not on an appendage.

Spencer’s face pales even further than it already has staring at the glint on the undone button of your trousers shining in the reflection of the light.

If they didn’t get there when they did…If he got to you a second later…He can’t even fathom to think about what would’ve happened.

He’s broken out of his spiral by the EMT sitting next to him offering a tissue, which is when Spencer feels the tear and snot streaks rolling down his face. He takes it and wipes his face mindlessly before muttering, “Can I just…” hands reaching out to you before his words come out. Spencer doesn’t notice the EMT tearing up as he gently buttons your pants.

——

You were a fighter.

At least, that’s what the doctors told Spencer when they came and updated him in the waiting room. He blanks out for most of the conversation, eyes unfocusing and ears on low lest your name be spoken.

“She’s stable and awake now, the nurse can take you back to see her.”

He shakes his head to recenter and mutters a thank you before following the nurse through the double white doors. His senses are heightened as he walks closer to your room. The scuff of his shoes on the linoleum floors, the pedantic beeping of machines in the rooms he passes, until he hears the only voice that’s ever been enough to calm the warzone in his mind.

“Hi, Spence.”

His feet move on their own accord right next to your bedside, hands hovering awkwardly at his side. He’s silent for the first couple minutes, just a faint sniffle here and there before he takes a seat near your bed and hears you speak again.

“You can touch me, Spence. I won’t break more than I already am.”

“Don’t say that,” he chides quickly, “It’s not a joke.”

“Well, someone should be the comedic relief here.”

He lays the tips of his fingers right on top of the tips of yours, “You could have died.”

Your face softens, “I didn’t though.”

“You could have.”

“Spencer—“

“Stop down playing it. You don’t know what it was like finding you like that.”

“I mean I have some idea, ‘cause like, I was there.” 

Spencer deadpans at your poor attempt at lightening the mood, a faint smile peaking through while he shakes his head, “Insufferable even at your deathbed.”

“Yeah, the Grim Reaper heard me yapping and said ‘keep her’.”

He chuckles softly as his hand moves further up to rest the front of his palm on the back of your hand, “How are you feeling?”

“I’ve…been better. The doctor said one of my broken ribs punctured an artery, a big one apparently,” you flip your hand over so both of your palms are touching but not laced, you softly continue, “Told me I was lucky I came in when I did. Any later the internal bleeding would’ve spread to my lungs.”

Spencer feels the tears springing again and a lump forming in his throat, “I’m so sorry, sweet girl,” the pet name slipping out before he could realize, “I should’ve gotten there sooner, or realized something was wrong at the gas station.”

“Hey. Don’t do that. You saved my life.” your fingers intertwine with his and squeeze with whatever strength you can muster, which isn’t a lot and it makes his heart clench tighter. “I’m here.”

He lets out the breath he’s been holding since he walked in, “You’re here.”

“I didn’t forget what you promised me when we…broke up,” God you wish it didn’t sound so terminable as it did, “I knew you’d find me. You always do.”

Another sniffle leaves him as he rubs his thumb soothingly on your hand, “I always do…Look, there’s something I need to tell you—“

He doesn’t get to finish his sentence as Penelope & Company burst into your room bearing balloons, chocolates, and many, many stuffies.

“How’s our girl doing?” Penelope huffs, hauling an entire Hallmark catalog worth of gifts in tow.

“She’s doing fine, Penny.” you chuckle lightly, trying your best to hide the wince of pain from your side, “You did not need to do all this.”

“Nonsense, everyone knows bear stuffies are the real medicine of the world.” she gleefully ignores the nurse onlookers, “I also brought you this, of special request by someone who shall not be named.” From her back she produces a bag of your favorite candy—sour gummy worms. A fact that you knew only one person was privy to.

You act surprised nonetheless, “My favorite! Thank you, Penny. And all of you, for coming to see my crippled self.”

Spencer watches the team take turns doting on you. Emily, JJ, and Penelope sit with you for about four Gilmore Girls episodes—another lost relic of modern medicine, according to Penny—after which Morgan, Rossi, and Hotch keep you company for a little bit before bidding you good night with forehead kisses and well wishes. Spencer stays with you the whole time, never once leaving your side. 

You are so loved, he thinks. He didn’t realize how much he liked watching you be loved. It makes him miss the times when he could do that for you too.

——

Weeks pass since the day of your kidnapping. You still find it weird to call it that, even though it’s literally what happened. You’ve been on house arrest—bed rest—begrudgingly, and while Penelope’s very glittery visiting schedule has kept you entertained, it’s been hard when the only person you really wanted to see has refused to come visit since you left the hospital.

You’ve asked Penelope why Spencer hasn’t come, and all she can offer you is a sad smile and a ‘He said something come up sweetie, sorry.’. Texting him seemed even more daunting, more because you weren’t about to beg for his attention if he obviously doesn’t want you to have it. 

The doorbell steals your attention and you glance over at the schedule before you walk over to open it, not expecting a visitor at this time.

Spencer looks up from his shoes hearing the door open, “Hey.”

A minute passes, “Why are you here?” you ask bluntly.

He looks confused, “I came to check on you, brought you takeout from the Indian place you like.” The food in his hand smells heavenly but you can’t seem to enjoy it yet without getting an answer.

“Why are you here, now?” you ask again with an addendum.

He either really wants to piss you off or his ear blew out on the way over but he chooses to ignore you and enter your apartment, “You having nightmares again?”

“What? No…” you lie poorly, straightening up your back, “Just tired.”

He chuckles, “Good to know you’re still a terrible liar. Did you know you wear Doctor Who shirts when you’re feeling anxious?”

Your brows fuddle in confusion but he elaborates, “It’s probably subconscious, something you find comforting and naturally gravitate to in times of distress. It’s a normal stress response but…you’re wearing an Eleventh Doctor shirt.” My Eleventh Doctor shirt, he thinks.

“That doesn’t mean anything.” you feign.

“Maybe it doesn’t,” he nods, “But you are anxious aren’t you?”

“Spencer, what the fuck is going on, why are you here, really?” your eyes narrow, arms crossing defensively.

“I told you, I came to check on you.”

“You just woke up this morning and decided it was convenient for you to see me today?” Spencer opens his mouth to speak but nothing comes out. You stare at him with tearful eyes and the emotion spills out of you before you can stop it. You speak again after a few moments, voice barely above a whisper, “You left me. Again.”

He tilts his head, “No, I didn’t.”

“Yes, you did.” you grit out, “You were rooted at my bedside the entire time I was hospitalized, and the second I was discharged you were nowhere to be found. I thought, maybe with Penny’s schedule you’d come by, but then I came to find out that you didn’t even put your name down.”

“You almost died!” he retorts, “You almost died, because I made a mistake and you got hurt because of it!”

“So, that gives you the right to abandon me for the second time?”

“I didn’t…” he sighs out roughly, “I didn’t abandon you. I just, couldn’t…face you.” Face you, in pain, as a result of his actions.

“Is that what happened the first time you left?” you bite back.

His eyes steel over, “That was different.”

“I don’t see how.”

“You know why I left.”

“I don’t think I do, Spencer—”

“I left because I was putting you in danger!” he yells cutting you off, “I left because loving you meant dragging you into all the messed up stuff that happens to me, stuff that’ll keep happening to me.”

Tobias. Mexico. Cat.

A single tear rolls down your face, “That’s bullshit, I’m sorry. We work the same damn job, the risks are the same if we’re together or not.”

“You don’t understand—“

“Then fucking enlighten me, Spencer.”

He stares at you, fighting an internal battle of whether he was really willing to admit his truth to you, one that he knows you deserved to know but wasn’t sure if it would put you more in harm's way.

“Cat had details about your family.”

That’s not what you were expecting to hear. Your face drops, “Wh—What?”

His eyes dart around the room nervously, “After I got out of Millburn and we went to see Cat, she was trying all these tactics to get me to break. I was doing fine, until she started talking about you. She was saying things that only you told me, stuff that’s not even on record.”

You remember that day. You were supposed to go with him and JJ to the correctional facility but ended up stuck at the BAU because your skill set was more valuable in helping Penelope locate Mr. Scratch. You remember how he came back to you that day, distant and glassed over. It was easy to chalk up his behavior following it to his recent release, but when you woke up a few weeks later to an empty bed and a throwaway note saying ‘I’m sorry.”, you couldn’t figure out for the life of you why all of a sudden you didn’t exist to him, like you didn’t matter.

“I made a choice, one that I knew would protect you.”

“That’s not a decision for you to make.” you snap.

“I had to,” he says lowly, taking a step closer to you, “If being with me puts your safety at risk…” another step, “I’d rather live in a world where you hate me and are still here…” one more step, “Than one where you loved me and died because of it.” he manages to choke out, taking one final step towards you.

It’s quiet for a couple minutes, save for the soft whistle of the breeze coming from your open window. The resolve in you has long faded, leaving behind nothing but the skin on your bones to weather the damage. It makes sense to you why he did what he did, and you don’t know if the roles were reversed would you do the same thing. But you knew that you loved him and he loved you, and that alone should have been enough.

You can’t help but let out a whine, sounding like a petulant child, “That’s not fair, Spence.”

“What’s not fair, baby?” he softly whispers.

Your whine turns into a cry, “That, all of this. The fall on your sword act in which you decide what’s best for me is to leave me stranded, thinking I did something wrong that made you stop loving me.”

He steps forward a little more, his face mere inches from your own, “You think I stopped loving you?”

“Was I supposed to think otherwise? You couldn’t even stand being in the same room as me.”

His hands raise to gently cup your face, thumbs positioned under your eyes to wipe the fallen tears. He’s missed looking into your eyes as close as he is. For a man who doesn’t believe in religion he’s pretty certain the gates of heaven lie within your irises.

“I was selfish,” he swallows, “I wanted to keep you safe but I did so in a way that I felt was most logical, which turned out to be so fucking wrong regardless since you still got hurt.”

He brings your face impossibly closer, the warmth of his breath gently hitting your face.

“There isn’t a waking moment where I don’t love you. Even when we weren’t together, I still looked out for you and I made sure you were safe in ways I couldn’t tell you. I meant what I said. I told you I’d find you in every lifetime. I love you, in every lifetime, angel girl.”

The ache in your heart only grows with his words, reminding you that he always was and will forever be, Your Spencer.

“You can’t do that again,” you stutter out through tiny sobs, “You need to tell me what’s going on, whatever it is. We figure it out together.”

He nods softly, the hair on his forehead faintly brushing up on yours, “We figure it out together. I’m so sorry for everything, baby.” his lips press a long kiss to your forehead, “I’m here now, I’m not going anywhere.”

You rise on your toes to meet your lips with his, the missed time and unspoken words flowing silently between you both. His hands wrap gently around your waist and pull you flush to his chest, with yours entangling with the brown curls you had missed so much.

Finally back in his arms, you sigh with exhaustion and relief, “You’re here.”

“I’m here, honey.”

[missmatchablossom]

summary: you finally got hired to work as a teacher for your dream school, jujutsu high. everything was perfect until you ran into gojo satoru, your first love and heartbreak.

a/n: angst + fluff, female reader. this is the first time I've written a story more on the angsty side, so please let me know if you like it : ) I was feeling angsty after listening to eternal sunshine and bam this story suddenly came to me

tags: @kenqki @sad-darksoul

~

When you caught a glance at that familiar shade of blue, you froze. That specific hue was a color you avoided at all costs, the color of heartbreak and dreams you never followed.

He looked at you, and suddenly you were 18 again. It was simultaneously the best and worse year of your life; the year you fell in love with Satoru, and the year he left you. 

Your heartbeat felt sickening in your own chest as he walked towards you, his eyes widened and jaw slacked as if he were in a trance. Like he hadn’t expected to see you again.

It’s not like you thought you’d see him again either. You had told yourself that even if you did, it wouldn’t hurt, because you’d moved on. It had been years since you gave up on him, so you should be feeling nothing as your first love came to a halt in front of you, gazing at you as if you were the only thing that mattered to him.

It didn’t feel like nothing, though. It felt a whole like despair, relief, and joy warring with each other, causing your fingertips to tremble as if your body couldn’t decide which emotion to settle on.

“Long time no see, Gojo,” you said, attempting to offer a warm smile. Though the tremulous note to your voice must have betrayed how you were truly feeling.

He frowned ever so slightly when you said his name, like he wasn’t used to you calling him by his last name. It was formal and cold - when things between you two used to be anything but. 

“You’re here,” he said, though it sounded like he was saying it to himself rather than talking to you. 

“Ah, Gojo. I see you’ve met our newest hire. She’ll be working with your students for the summer, I imagine you two will be working together closely,” the principal said. But Gojo wasn’t looking at him. You still felt the heavy weight of his gaze, like he was scared you’d disappear if he looked away.

“Why don’t you two grab lunch together? Gojo can catch you up on his students,” the principal said. So why did your body go rigid at his harmless suggestion?

“Sorry, I have to make a phone call during lunch! Gojo, feel free to email me any details I need to know,” you said quickly, smiling before you darted towards the courtyard.

You cursed yourself for running away, like a coward. What was there to be afraid of? He was someone you loved years ago, and time washed away any lingering feelings you had for him…right? 

At least that’s what you’d always told yourself. But maybe deep down, you feared some of those feelings would never go away. And that they’d definitely resurface if you let yourself be near him, if you let yourself remember how much he used to mean to you. How badly he hurt you.

You shook your head, hoping the crisp morning air would wash some sense into you. This position was your dream job, and you weren’t gonna let your past demons take that away from you. You could be civil, you could work with him like the mature adult you were. It would be okay.

~

“I wonder if our new teach would tell me where she gets her lipgloss?” Nobara asked aloud, walking in step with Yuji and Megumi as they filed out of the classroom.

“She’s really pretty,” Yuji said, smiling cheesily. It was a buzz amongst all the students actually, how beautiful the newest teacher was. The students warmed up to her quickly, captivated by her knowledge and how easy she was to talk to. 

“Gojo always looks like he’s in a trance whenever he sees her,” Megumi said, making his two companions snap their attention to him.

“Do you think they’re dating?!” Nobara nearly yelled, her eyes widening comically.

“Maybe not. They both look kinda sad when they look at each other and they think the other person isn’t looking,” Megumi noted, looking deep in thought.

“Woah, you’re so observant. Maybe they’re exes, I heard they knew each other when they were younger,” Yuji said.

“Eh? No way sensei could pull someone like her,” Nobara said.

~

Two weeks have passed since you began teaching, and you loved it. Plus, you’d managed to have as minimal contact with Gojo as possible. Things would be fine after all.

You stepped into the teacher’s lounge, eager to grab your bag and head back home now that the day was over. But your bag wasn’t on the hook where you usually hung it up. When you turned around however, Gojo was leaning against the doorframe, taking up nearly the entire frame.

“Can I help you with something, Gojo?” you asked politely, willing your heart to settle down at his proximity.

“Can we talk?” he asked, and there it was again. The inexplicable feeling that swarmed your senses whenever you heard the sound of his voice, no matter what he was saying. Your traitorous body responded to it no matter how much you told it not to.

“Um, tomorrow might be better during our free period! I’m actually looking for my…” you began, stopping your sentence as Gojo used two fingers to effortlessly lift your heavy bag.

“I’ll give this back to you when you agree to have dinner with me. Tonight,” he said, flashing a boyish smile at you that was oh so painfully familiar. 

“You can’t be serious,” you said, crossing your arms as Gojo took another step towards you. He was so close, and much taller than you remembered. He seemed to take up the entirety of the room you were in, making it harder to breathe and think clearly.

“I thought you knew me better than that, tea. I absolutely am,” he drawled, and the butterflies in your stomach swarmed at the mention of his old nickname for you. Hearing it used to fill you with love and light, because he began calling you the endearment after learning how much you adored tea. He’d often show up at your door with your favorite drinks, happily indulging in your obsession. 

You blinked the memory away, refocusing your gaze back to the man in front of you. 

“This isn’t funny,” you said, reaching towards your bag. He lifted it up and out of your reach easily.

“What isn’t funny is how you’ve been avoiding me since you got here. Why can you barely look me in the eye?” he said, the slight hurt in his voice hitting your heart. Your eyes darted around the room in a panic before you answered.

“Can you really blame me? We don’t have the best history,” you said, your voice coming off harsher than you intended. 

“That’s what I want to clear up. Just hear me out this once, please,” he said, his tone softening as he spoke. You hated it, how quickly you could feel yourself giving into him. After a beat of silence, you spoke.

“Just this once,” you murmured, your voice barely above a whisper. 

There it was. That familiar, triumphant upturn of his lips. 

~

You second guessed your choice as you walked towards Gojo’s car - a sleek, navy luxury car you remember he’d gotten for his 18th birthday. But there was no way he didn’t have other cars by now, so you couldn’t help but wonder if he picked this car today on purpose.

He swiftly opened the door to the passenger seat, allowing you to slip in before he slid into the drivers seat.

There was something undeniably intimate about being alone in the car with him. Being in such close quarters meant you could smell the cologne clinging to his skin, the minty remnants of the mints he always carried with him. You felt bespelled watching his long fingers wrap around the wheel, blushing as he wrapped his arm around your headrest and leaned towards you to look behind him as he backed out of the spot. 

A memory flooded towards you. Of a freshly 18-year old Gojo excitedly picking you up in his shiny new car, nearly getting you into a car crash as he carelessly spun the wheel in his excitement. You’d given him a firm talking to about him being careful, and he smiled at you sheepishly before he walked you to get ice cream. 

The sound of buttons clicking pulled you from your reverie. You watched wordlessly as Gojo set the seat warmer to the lowest setting and turned the ac up to 71, the exact settings you used to switch them to whenever you were his passenger princess.

“Is that still how you like it?” he asked, casting you a quick sideways glance before returning his eyes to the road. You wondered if you imagined the hopeful note to his voice.

“Yes,” you answered quietly. 

Oh , I definitely still like it, you thought, eyes roaming across Gojo’s figure as he drove. His seat was leaned back to make room for his long legs, and he kept one hand on the wheel as he drove with the elegant ease he must’ve developed in your time apart. It was stupid, how attracted you still were to him.

You didn’t miss the way Gojo glanced at you ogling him, the corner of his lip tipping up like it so pleased him.

~

You followed Gojo into a gorgeous restaurant that you were undoubtedly underdressed for. A smartly dressed man greeted the two of you immediately, leading you to a table right in front of the floor-to-ceiling windows. It offered you a gorgeous view of the skyline, the soft glow of the sunset making the silverware sparkle. 

You couldn’t help but look around in confusion at the quietness of the restaurant - save for the nice host, you were the only ones there.

“I booked out the place for the night. So we could catch up in peace,” Gojo said easily, as if that were something normal to do. You couldn’t say you were too surprised though, as he had the same penchant for spending and the fortune to back it since he was younger.

“Of course you did,” you said, shaking your head as you smiled to yourself.

Gojo leaned forward in his seat, studying you like you just performed magic.

“I’ve missed that smile of yours,” he said softly. It wasn’t fair, the way the last bits of sunshine of the day lit up the gold  flecks in his eyes. The way his hair nearly shone silver, making him look otherworldly as he told you he missed you. 

“I don’t know what to say to you, Gojo,” you said, forcing neutrality into your tone. But as soon as you spoke the words, you could hear how sad they sounded.

“Do you hate me?” he asked, sounding like his younger self once more. 

You met his eyes, releasing a deep breath as you did your best to offer a smile.

“I don’t think I could ever hate you,” you admitted, watching the way his shoulders eased ever so slightly.

“But you hurt me,” you said, voice barely above a whisper.

“I was ready to stick out long distance when you moved away. You stopped answering my calls, responding to my letters. I tried reaching you for months before I gave up, Gojo. There was no goodbye, no explanation. What was I supposed to think? How do you expect me to greet you with a smile now as if nothing happened?” you said, your voice cracking towards the end. 

“I know we were 18 and stupid, but I…” 

I loved you. You were everything to me. And no matter how much time had past, how much you dated around, no one ever compared to you.

You shook your head, unable to get the words out.

It would forever be fresh in your mind, the day you found out Gojo was being shipped off to a different country by his stupid family to train. 

The devastation was overwhelming. You curled up in your room, crying into your pillow as Gojo sat silently on the edge of your bed.

“Do you really have to go?” you sniffed, though it didn’t sound like that, with your throat clogged with tears.

Gojo laid beside you, pulling your back to his chest as he held you and buried his face in your hair.

“I don’t have a choice, tea. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he whispered, his voice breaking off at the end. You turned around, wrapping your arms around him as he held you brusingly tight. You rubbed his back as you felt his tears hit your shoulder.

After the cry you both needed, you faced each other silently, as if you were committing each other to memory.

“I won’t give up on us. I’ll call you everyday to bug the hell out of you,” he said, giving you the first lopsided smile of the night.

“For how long, though?” you said sadly, feeling the hope leeching out of you with each word you said aloud.

“For as long as it takes for me to become the strongest. And for you to become the teacher you’ve always wanted to be. I’ll come back for you,” he promised, lacing his long fingers through yours. There was hope alight in those eyes of his, convincing your own hope to stay.

“You promise?” you asked, sounding so much more like a young child than you wished.

“I promise.” he said, and you kissed him then. There was something so magnetic about him, the type of person that made you want to believe anything was possible. But you hadn’t known that would be the last time you kissed.

You had no way of knowing that your boyfriend would keep up with his promise for a month, and then suddenly leave you with nothing. He stopped responding to your letters, stopped his calls, stopped reminding you how much he loved you. The only time you ever heard about him was when the news featured his growing talents.

The sound of Gojo’s voice ripped you away from the memory.

“You have every right to be upset with me,” he began, his cerulean eyes betraying his grief.

“Was there someone else?” you asked before you could think better, cursing yourself.

“No,” he said forcefully, wincing like it hurt him for you to think that.

“There was never anyone else. Never,” he said, and you couldn’t help the relief flooding your chest.

“They got in my head about you. Convinced me that I was holding you back, that you could never focus on school enough to become a teacher good enough to teach at Jujutsu High if you were in a long distance relationship with me. I thought I was doing what was best for you,” he said, his voice low and regretful as he spoke. 

The man across from you blurred as tears filled your vision. You spent months agonizing over the possible reasons he would abandon your relationship, and your young, heartbroken self was convinced it had something to do with you. That he found someone, and suddenly you weren't his cup of tea anymore. Never did it cross your mind that he thought he was doing you a favor by ghosting you.

“God, Gojo. Why didn’t you just talk to me?” you cried, doing nothing to mask the grief in your voice. 

“I knew you’d tell me that it was incredibly stupid of me. And I know it was now, but back then I thought it would be easier if I made the choice for you. You deserved to have your full focus on pursuing teaching,” he said solemnly, lifting a hand towards your face as if he were going to wipe your tears, but laying his hand back down like he thought against it.

“You’re right, that was incredibly stupid of you,” you said, heaving a deep breath as your swiped the last of your tears.

“But I get why you did it. I just wish you would’ve included me in that choice, because you know what I thought? I thought if you could discard me, discard us that easily, that I must’ve not meant as much to you as you meant to me. That you didn’t love me as much as I loved you,” you said shakily, a single traitorous tear falling down your cheek.

Your emotions overwhelmed you as you saw his eyes begin to shine with unshed tears - a sight that hurt you as much as it did when you were both 18.

“I never stopped loving you,” he said, his voice hushed as he made the confession.

It felt like you were no longer in your own body as emotions assaulted you all at once. Happiness, relief, confusion, devastation. They warred with each other, and you didn’t know if the burst of nerves you were feeling was panic or excitement.

“You don’t mean that. Maybe you still love who I was when I was 18, but things are different now. I’m different,” you said, watching as Gojo shook his head softly.

“You’re right. You have become even more beautiful than I remember,” he began, and you knew you had lost. This wasn’t a game, but somehow you still lost.

“I’ve seen the way you work with the kids. I’m in awe of how confident and capable you’ve become. But I’ve also seen what hasn’t changed,” he said, leaning towards you with the light back in his eyes.

“Your tenacity. Your kindness. Your intelligence. Your drive. The way your eyes light up when you teach, the way you see the best in people. That’s how I fell in love with you, and I know thats still there,” he said, looking at you with the kind of reverence you forgot existed.

You closed your eyes as you failed at calming your thunderous heart. 

“I can’t do this, Gojo. I can’t put myself in a position to be hurt by you again,” you said, casting your eyes down in your lap. You couldn’t bear to see defeat in his eyes.

You jolted as you felt the soothing, painfully familiar touch of his hand over yours. 

“Look at me,” he pleaded softly, coaxing your eyes back towards his. When you met them again, they were filled with warmth, and you believed it. That he still loved you.

“You don’t owe me anything. I’ll stay out of your way if that’s what you want. But I’m not taking back what I said. I’ve loved you since before you were mine. And I always will.” He finished you off by lifting your hand to his lips, a gesture you were still a used to be a sucker for.

~

In the days that followed, Gojo consumed your every thought. It didn’t help that you worked so closely, and it especially didn’t help to see how good he was with the students. He goofed around with them more than a normal teacher would, but he taught them earnestly. No matter how much they complained about his antics, you could tell your students loved him.

It also didn’t help when he began leaving your favorite milk tea on your desk before the start of every school day, earning you a “wow teach, you must really love that tea shop,” comment from Yuji.

It was slightly embarrassing, but you couldn’t deny how much it brightened your day to see that cup of tea sitting on your desk, knowing how much Gojo still thought of you. And it didn’t stop at tea.

Over the course of the next month, your favorite flowers began showing up with your tea. Sometimes, instead of flowers it was your favorite candy. Gojo never lingered around to hand them to you himself, just giving you sweet smiles and waves whenever you locked eyes. You knew it was his way of giving you space to choose, and no matter how cheesy it was, it was working.

~

It was about 3 months after that dinner that you found yourself sitting with the principal for your quarterly one-on-one. You were pleased to hear the praises of your work and the positive feedback he’d received from students regarding you, but something in particular he said had you shaken up.

“I knew you and Gojo would work well together. You both had very moving reasons for wanting to teach here,” he said casually.

“Moving reasons?” you pressed, feeling like you were on the verge of something.

“Oh, yes. I was highly impressed by your years of dedication and experience, you were an obvious choice. But Gojo didn’t have much teaching experience when I hired him, it was really his reason for teaching that sold me on him,” he answered. And you didn’t know why, but your pulse grew uncomfortably quick.

“He told me that teaching helped him feel close to someone he loved. And that person taught him how powerful a good teacher could be,” the principal said. There was a beat of silence, followed by the screeching sound your chair made and you sat up suddenly. You apologized and excused yourself, rushing towards a certain office door.

Your movements were too quick for your thoughts to catch up. You just knew you had to see him.

He wasn’t in his office. Not in his classroom, not in the teacher’s lounge. That sickening panic began invading your senses, reminding you that it wasn’t the first time you desperately searched for Gojo and couldn’t find him.

But you pushed past it and kept walking. You walked until you reached the outer edge of campus, spotting a flash of silver hair atop a hill that overlooked the school. 

You ran towards it like your life depended on it, huffing and puffing until you finally locked gazes with the most beautiful eyes you have ever seen. Though the eyes that normally regarded you with warmth were unusually widened with concern as Gojo ran towards you.

“Hey, whats going on-”

“Why did you become a teacher?” you said, struggling to catch your breath. Gojo looked stunned for a second, staring at you silently as he waited for you to continue.

“Why did you decide to work for Jujutsu High, out of all the high schools in Japan?” you continued, watching as his expression turned pensive. But his eyes shone with all the words he’d yet to say.

“I didn’t intend on becoming a teacher. I just gave it a shot one day, because I knew how passionate you were about it. And I loved it,” he said, staring out wistfully towards the lecture halls.

“As for why I picked Jujutsu High,” he began, turning his body towards you again. He walked to you, stopping until there was barely a step of space between your bodies. 

“I picked it because I knew this was your dream school to work at. I hoped I would see you again if I worked here,” he admitted, smiling sadly. You shook your head in disbelief.

“This was my dream school when I was 18. What if I changed my mind and worked somewhere else? What if I didn’t even become a teacher?” you said frantically, searching for a crack in his resolve.

Gojo reached out, cupping your cheek in his hand. You had no choice but to tilt your head up to meet his, feeling new emotions flooding you at the look in his eyes.

“Doesn’t matter. The thought of seeing you again is what has kept me going all these years. Even if I mean nothing to you now,” he breathed, removing his hand from your cheek. He stepped away from you, giving you the space you realized you no longer wanted.

You didn’t know if you wanted to laugh or cry at this new revelation. But you did know one thing; you wanted Gojo Satoru. You wanted another shot with him.

Before you could talk yourself out of it, you launched yourself at him, wrapping your arms around him tightly and burying your face into his chest. He smelled like mint and summer and everything good with the world as his arms immediately came up to hold you to him.

He released a shaky breath as he held you, like he couldn’t believe he’d get to do it again.

“Of course you still mean something to me,” you whispered through tears you didn’t realize you were shedding. Gojo gently pulled back from your hug, capturing both your face between his hands. He swiped his thumbs gently against your tears, that reverent, warm gaze back in those eyes of his.

“What should I make of that, tea?” he asked, tucking an errant strand of hair behind your ear. You realized how much you missed his touch, how you’ve longed to feel his smooth, porcelain skin against yours again.

“You’re gonna have to work reallyyyy hard if you want me to fall in love with you again,” you said, smiling as his eyes widened and his jaw slacked.

Liar. It wouldn’t take much at all.

“You’re giving me another chance?” he said incredulously. You nodded shyly, smiling as Gojo awarded you with the most brilliant, heart-stopping smile. The kind that crinkled his eyes at the corners, the kind that stretched his cheeks, the kind that you had no choice but to mirror.

The breath left your body as Gojo lifted you up by your hips, swinging you around in a circle like the last scene of a Disney movie where the prince and princess reunited. 

It felt like a weight was released from your shoulders as he spun you around, the two of you laughing like teenagers again.

“Thank you,” he whispered, pressing a soft kiss to the top of your head.

~

“They have to be dating, there’s no way they’re not!” Nobara exclaimed, walking to get food with the other first years after class.

“Gojo sensei follows her around like a puppy. I could actually see hearts in his eyes when he looks at her! I swore I even heard her call him Toru,” Yuji said, him and Nobara nodding to each other intently.

“Maybe. Our new teacher has been looking really happy lately,” Megumi said.

[party-poison-218]

hey can i req angst?

like you two are on a long-distance relationship and jjk men are kinda ghosting us, whenever we ask they go like we're busy, are u dumb to understand that?

so we decide to give them space or something like that.

angsty please <3

Heyy!! You didn't tell me who you wanted, and I'm kinda busy, but I wanted to still do this so if it's not the characters you wanted or you want it written differently pls tell me but I tried My best!! I can write more characters or change up the storyline js say the word :33

You're my first request and I'm so excited about this ^_^ I appreciate you heavily!! 🩷🫶🏻 and I've never done angst before I'm sorryy

Online JJK bfs not talking much and snap 💔 :/

Satoru, Suguru, Kento.

Hurt to comfort + left to decide what happened.

Cw: insults, cursing

THIS WAS SO RUSHED IM GENUINELY SO SORRY. I HOPE U LIKE ITTT

[mermaidsirennikita]

Hi, sorry if this has been asked before but, regardless of trope, your favourite historicals of all time???? I was gonna say top10 or something but I read and love literally every one of your recs so top100 would work just as well <3

First off, thank you so much, you're too kind. I don't know if I can give you my Top 100 just yet (though I wish I could lol) but I CAN give you a good cluster ;).

It's been a whiiiile since I've thought of this, and it changes, so I'm happy to answer! I'm going to have some repeats, because I'm true my heart and some authors just write a good few bangers.

My top... 28, I think? In no particular order.

Dreaming of You by Lisa Kleypas—Easy answer, I adore this book, it changed the way I look at romance and it's so, so definitive re: my taste. Beautifully written, angsty (and kinda funny too), made me realize one of my core couple dynamics is "somewhat crazy woman and stern man who just doesn't know what the FUCK she's doing and is totally thrown off by her shit".

Thief of Shadows by Elizabeth Hoyt—Another easy one, virgin hero (which I love) who's nonetheless quite stern, jaded older heroine (another thing I love—a jaded heroine), it has the Zorro masked man vibes, the high stakes, INSANELY good sex scenes that only Elizabeth Hoyt can write... And perfectly written angst that isn't magically resolved. Gorgeous gorgeous GORGEOUS.

Waking Up with the Duke by Lorraine Heath—Another angst machine, has a scene that never fails to make emotional, a crazy setup that turns out to be deeply emotional. Icy proper woman/secretly deeply pining rake. AINSLEY!!!!

Princess by Gaelen Foley—A recent favorite; supremely angsty, supremely sexy, supremely BONKERS. He feels unworthy, which, please, is crack to me. She's a literal princess, giggly and flirty and horny to the max. He's a good bit older, they've known each other for YEEEEARS (... literally all her life), he works for her father. It's very ILLICIT AFFAIRS. Everything I love.

The Duke's Perfect Wife by Jennifer Ashley—Every single one of the first four Mackenzie books is a bANGER and this is the best one for me. I love a second chance romance. I love a growly hero and a heroine who absolutely owns him. I love that they've both been around the block (and have had sex before, three times, as he reminds her). Hart needed a woman who could MANAGE him and match his freak, and Eleanor is that. She boops his nose and he growls! He does a striptease for her! Perfection, even better if you've read the first three books.

A Rogue by Any Other Name by Sarah MacLean—Another one I read early in my return to romance, and I adore it. Bourne is the most dickish hero MacLean has written (imo) and Penelope is such a a sweet heroine who nonetheless doesn't put up with it. He has to work so hard to earn her love, as he should. I adore the childhood friends to at odds vibe, another thing I'm sooo into.

Shadowheart by Laura Kinsale—A pretty dark historical? Allegreto is CRAZY, Elena manages him perfectly. I love a good kinky romance, and this one is so, so sexy? The femdom is perfect, but it's also beautifully written and has a lot of deep themes. The fact that he thinks he's going to hell and she's like "Whatever, I'll go there with you". It has both corruption and redemption vibes.

The Duke Gets Even by Joanna Shupe—One of the books I hyped to a ridiculous degree before it came out, and somehow it delivered on everything. Has a touch of kink (mostly through rough sex, biting, etc) but it's honestly so soft in many ways. Lockwood isn't a pushover or a cinnamon roll, but he does have so much heart and he falls so hard. Nellie being the resistant, rakish one delights me. It has a great world (we need more Gilded Age books). It's another one where everything isn't resolved PERFECTLY, and I love that bit of realism. Just a big sigh ROMANCE romance. "I'm keeping you, Eleanor" PLEEEEASE.

Something Spectacular by Alexis Hall—Definitely tonally an unconventional historical, but my God, I love it. It's so funny. It's one of the only nb/nb romances I've read, and I love that it's a historical. Definitely the only one that has a castrato soprano lead, and we should honestly have more because they FUCKED. Like. Read it up. Castrati FUUUUUUUUUCKED. It's really tender and it has one of my favorite climactic moments. A very unconventional ending that made me smile so hard.

What I Did for a Duke by Julie Anne Long. Just a classic, perfectly written age gap romance. This one doesn't reinvent the wheel, but it hits everything it needs to hit perfectly. Has a great mix of humor, emotion, and heat.

Seduce Me at Sunrise by Lisa Kleypas—While there are the classic Kleypas issues with depicting the Romani people and I do dock this book a little for that... Look. The romance aspects are perfect for me. I know that Kev is too angsty for some people, but I love angst and I love the childhood friend devotion and the feeling of unworthiness and Win being ridiculous horny and determined to have her own happiness. Has one of the greatest love confessions of all time. One of the best "the dam has broken and they are FUCKIN'" moments. Just GORGEOUS.

When the Duke Was Wicked by Lorraine Heath—Another one that gets me super emotional. I love the horrified realization Lovingdon has as he realizes that he's so attracted to Grace. The intense desire. The denial of his feelings soooo far into the book, even when it's painfully clear to everyone that he's madly in love with her. This book also is one of the best when it comes to dealing with the Dead Wife Question. Of course Lorraine pulls it off.

A Lady for a Duke by Alexis Hall—Another one that's so unique and great and has amazing trans representation (at least to me, as a cis person, I could be wrong). It has this AMAZINGLY romantic moment that I always find SO FUCKING SWOONY. A great mix of old school vibes and modern sensibilities.

Duke of Midnight by Elizabeth Hoyt—Truly bonkers. Maximus is my ultimate alpha hero; a dick, aggressive, super stern, super resistant to love. Artemis just isn't intimidated. There's a lot of angst in this book, and honestly? I find the fact that he is a dick and Hoyt isn't afraid of embracing that really admirable, from a writing perspective.

Between the Devil and Desire by Lorraine Heath—JACK DODGER I LOVE YOUR WORK. A perfect "rogue meets uptight lady" book (I hesitate to call Jack a rake because he pays for sex pretty much exclusively, but he's definitely roguish). There's a wonderful dynamic here, Olivia being in denial of her attraction.

A Kingdom of Dreams by Judith McNaught—A gorgeously written book! You can see the groundwork being laid for other historicals here. A fabulous setting. The way the romance becomes so vicious at points, in a frankly hilarious way. Royce dragging Jennifer to the altar like "I DON'T WANNA BE HERE ANYMORE THAN YOU DO" is amazing.

Devil in Winter by Lisa Kleypas. Classic, everyone loves this book (well... not everyone) but with good reason. It's so very good. The perfectly executed rake/virgin book, with iconic moments, iconic characters, iconic SPIELS. The moment when Sebastian staggers out of bed trembling after the first time they have sex lives rent-free in my brain.

Indigo by Beverly Jenkins. Just a fucking knockout of a book. Another "rake/practical virgin" book, backed by beautiful prose and impeccable historical research (nobody does it like Ms. Bev). There's so much seduction in this book. A great rooomance, but then it has a fun bonkers villain situation (I know some people don't like this... I do, I'm kind of a sucker for this type of controversial and perhaps dated villain). The ending makes me cry a lot.

Scandal's Bride by Stephanie Laurens—Kind of a new one for me, and it's here because it's so fucking bonkers. Constantly entertaining, Catriona is such a difficult heroine who... crosses the line a lot. Has a scene where Richard draws a sketch of her ass birthmark to be like "I WILL SHOW EVERYONE THIS TO PROVE THAT I HIT IT FROM THE BACK IF YOU DON'T MARRY ME". A delightfully fucking weird book and I loved every minute.

Hyacinth by S.M. LaViolette—The more I think about this book, the more I love it. One that I loved originally, and it rose in my regard over time. A scarred hero (who likes it rough). They're both switches. Hyacinth is neurodivergent and very much unconventional, and doesn't even think herself capable of love because of what society has told her she is. The climax of this book? Incredible.

Again the Magic by Lisa Kleypas. A gorgeously done book, so ambitious, has an iconically HORRID hero (in the best way), executes the rare feat of offering both an amazing primary romance and an absolutely fabulous, emotionally affecting secondary romance. It just hits so hard, dude. It's so good. It's probably Kleypas's BEST book in terms of general quality (though DoY will probably always be my favorite).

Lady Isabella's Scandalous Marriage by Jennifer Ashley—A great marriage in trouble book! That's also super horny! I love so much that though there was a big breaking point in Mac and Isabella's marriage, there were very normal issues beforehand that had less to do with horrible behavior or ridiculous tragedy, but... Like... Them just not being ready for marriage? Especially him. The passion was always there, but passion and great sex isn't enough for a good marriage, and I love that in this book they do have the passion and great sex but also have to build a stronger relationship on an emotional level.

Regarding the Duke by Grace Callaway—Another delightfully bonkers romance. I love that they've been married eight years and she thinks it's enough but learns that it ISN'T. He has to open to her emotionally. There's amnesia. There's VILLAINY. I also love that the hero in this one has to. not only become a better husband, but a better father? I haven't read a lot of historicals where the hero and heroine aren't just married, but have kids.

A Shore Thing by Joanna Lowell—Ummmm I read this very recently but it's been sticking in my heart? It's more lighthearted than a lot of the romances I've loved. But i just love this story of a hero and heroine going on a bicycle race lmao. I love how funny it is, and how the villain kind of... grows? I love that the hero is a rake and trans. I love that the heroine is a widow who decides to like, have good sex for the first time ever and go with it (and suddenly there are feelings). It's just really good.

Sweetest Scoundrel by Elizabeth Hoyt—Helloooooooo emotion. This is one of the best "healing from trauma" books I've ever read. Asa Makepeace is just a perfect rake who's secretly so deep and so gentle. The way he introduces Eve to sex is fucking gorgeous. His patience, his tenderness, his love of what SHE'S okay with it.

A Rose at Midnight by Lisa Kleypas Anne Stuart—This is what I'd call a dark historical. It's true enemies to lovers. The hero is a rat bastard for most of the book. The sex... is very dubcon for much of the book. But man. I think it's so bold, the writing is so good, the story is so different from what I've read in the genre. It just hit a lot of buttons for me. And it has a great secondary romance, something Stuart excels at. Ummm also the fact that the secondary romance is fueled by the secondary heroine wanting to save the primary heroine, her best friend? LOVE THAT.

Scandalous Desires by Elizabeth Hoyt—Sorry dude, Mickey and Silence are just for Me. He's a ridiculous rake. She's a Quaker widow. There's that element of like "I'VE GOT YOU MY PRETTY". I actually love the baby in this book, and that can be a hard sell for me. (Several of these books include kids lol, but man, it's just this thing where you need to get it right.) It has one of my bad boy/good girl books.

The Earl Takes All by Lorraine Heath—Lol sorry, Gorilla Twins is a banger all the way. It's fucking insane. It's super romantic. It has one of the best "angst horizons" I've ever read. It does that Lorraine Heat Thing where you're like how THE FUCK is this gonna work. And then it does! It's just everything, for me. Edward Alcott, you beautiful idiot.

[nouearth]

a soulmate AU where you can write on your skin and have it appear on the body of your soulmate. with bart allen x dark angsty reader

i just combined your two asks together since they're pretty similar. hope you like it!

it's okay to not be okay.

pairing ; bart allen x m!reader. fandom: ; dc, the flash, young justice. word count ; 896. genre; angst & comfort. rating ; pg-13. warnings ; comfort!fic, soulmate!au, topic of depression notes ; i've been kinda on a creative block, so i'm so sorry if this sucks, lol. bart is aged up by the way!

“you up?” the sound of rain accompanies you as you’re sat at your desk, waiting for a response beneath your written question. it’s one of those nights again. another night of endless tossing and turning because of thoughts—stupid thoughts. naturally, parts of your body find a rhythm as a way to shake out those bad thoughts, an impromptu exorcism you liked to joke. 

your fingers nervously drum against cherry wood, your leg bouncing in pursuit, and your heart races all at the same time, as you wait for a response. it’s four am, you weren’t exactly hopeful for one, but somehow, bart has yet to fail you.

“brley.” you’re calmed by the appearance of the black ink on your skin, smiling now. barely. he’s missing an ‘a’ but you figured you’d give him a pass considering how late it is.

“sorry. just wanted to see if you were still awake.” you write smaller than usual on your skin, accommodating for the longer sentence. 

“drinking a coke now! you ok?” his handwriting is sloppy as usual, but you find it endearing. it’s almost like he’s rushing to talk to you and you couldn’t complain about that—you do the same.

“4 am thoughts again?”  bart continues on before you could write a response. he’s always been a quick replier, impossibly fast at times.

it hasn’t been long since… all of this started happening. you never believed in having a soulmate, even attempted to refute the idea. but the existence of bart allen has convinced you into believing, maybe… just maybe, that he’s the one. bart always knew what was on your mind simply by how long it would take you to respond at times. that’s how impressive he is. he always knew what to say. not because he’s wise or smart (though, he is), but because he knew how to make you laugh. and you can feel yourself healing, though baby-steps, the more you spent time with him.

“you know me.”

“and i always want to know more! favorite cheesecake flavor? mine’s a basque.” you chuckle as more words appear on your skin, quickly extending over the length of your forearm as bart never cared to write small. “i know, it’s a little too fancy for me, but that caramelization is YUM!”

“and i thought you knew me, bart…” you write just as the previous responses vanish into your skin. “you know i don’t like sweets.”

“i know and it’s why i’ve docked you down to being 95% compatiable with me.” a smug smiley face with its tongue sticking out ends his sentence and you draw whatever you can imagine at the moment over it like you often do, both to your amusement.

for a moment, you forgot why you even woke him in the first place. bart makes time pass by, the problem and care of the world—of life—fleet away when you’re with him. but when you’re not, everything is numb. white noise follows you everywhere. the only reason why you come out of bed is to go to work, but you work idly, breathing as best as you can. living as best as you can.

you didn’t realize you’ve been staring off into space until you felt soft pressure applied to your forearm again, breaking your focus. “you never answered if you were okay or not.” 

it takes a moment, a long moment until you gather the courage to respond.

“honestly? no…” you sigh to yourself, admitting defeat. 

sometimes, there were days where you felt okay. but they were rare. you hated feeling like this. merely stating how you felt made you uncomfortable, but you’ve been lying to him, to yourself for so long. you aren’t okay. because the longer you lied to yourself, the more you hurt everybody, what’s left of everybody, around you.

you’ve stopped doing your favorite things again, opting to sleep the entire day away if you could. but you knew it was unhealthy. so you try. you try to make yourself okay, whatever that meant. going to the beach, taking a walk in the park, it was something. but you always found yourself wanting, dreaming to be one of those attributes that had people returning to those locations. the gentle sunset that warmed cold shores, the breeze that kept park benches cool, you wished you had that effect on someone—to have them return.

but to have them return is to get better, work towards being better. you’ve hurt a lot of people. those that have tried to help you, stood by you, but you’ve pushed them all away by now, and you’re alone. painfully alone.

“you remember what i told you from before, right?”

“yeah.”

you think to yourself, will bart return if something happened? if you were an ass to him? said or acted hurtful towards him? you knew you would never intentionally, but it’s a thought—a scary one. 

“it’s okay to not be okay.” you both write simultaneously, your print in small and bart’s in large.

you’re not doing well. you admit to yourself again, and that’s okay. you remind yourself, alongside with bart’s writing. it’s a part of life and most of all, a step in the right direction. to healing, to being better, to being okay.

“i’m always be here for you.”  “you always know what’s on my mind, bart.”

© nouearth. please do not repost, plagiarize, or translate my works. and if you like this story, please reblog and leave a like!

[ngray192]

Hi :) can you do a Madlyn angst but with a happy ending? Thank you! <3

This is how I realized I've never written anything really angsty, but I'm sure as hell gonna try!

This is aged up, they're in their 20's.

"I'm not supposed to tell you this, but Maddie is going to scare the shit out of you when she gets home," Jet said as soon as Ashlyn answered the phone. "I'm only telling you cause I know you've been kinda stressed, and I don't want you to punch her or whatever."

Ashlyn laughed, "I promise I won't hit her. Thanks for the warning, Jet. I'll text you how it goes."

She spent the next twenty minutes looking for a good spot to jump out and scare Maddox. When she decided on a good spot, she only had ten minutes before Maddie was going to open the door.

Ashlyn waited in the closet for her girlfriend (ha, fitting) to open the front door. She waited for what felt like forever before she finally climbed out and checked her phone. It was 8 o'clock, Maddox was supposed to be home at 6.

Ashlyn forced herself to take a deep breath and not instantly panic. Maddox was probably just busy with some elaborate prank, right?

After a few minutes of trying not to panic, she decided to text her girlfriend.

Me: you working late? I miss youuuuu

Delivered: 8:07 PM

Me: Maddie? Helloooo?!

Delivered: 8:24 PM

Me: OK fine, Jet told me you were gonna scare me but pls text me back I'm worried

Delivered: 8:52 PM

"Shitshitshitshitshit" Ashlyn began pacing around their living room.

Her phone rang in her hand, startling her. She picked it up quickly, "Maddox?"

"It's Jet..." Ashlyn was on edge as he spoke. Her world was spinning and the sounds were muffled as he explained. "Car crash... surgery... Lakeview hospital..."

Ashlyn drove well over the speed limit, barely putting the car in park before she hopped out and ran into the main lobby. She nearly ran into the front desk as she started spouting words, "Maddox Curda?"

The woman at the desk typed on her computer before looking up at Ashlyn, "She's still in surgery, honey. That young man over there is waiting for her, too. I'll tell you when she gets out." Ashlyn turned around and realized that Jet was sitting on the other side of the ER waiting room with his head in his hands.

Ashlyn cautiously sat next to him. He looked up at her with red, sunken eyes, and instantly hugged her.

--

"Ash," she woke up to Jet shaking her shoulder. "They said she's out of surgery, c'mon." Ashlyn jumped up and followed Jet to the doctor's.

"Sorry, ma'am, only family allowed," he said sternly. He took a look at Ashlyn as she almost broke down in tears again, and sighed. "Both of you can follow me."

The room was bright white, it reminded Ashlyn of an asylum. A bed stood in the middle, with Maddox laying there still. She didn't notice Jet step out of the room; it was too much for him. Ash immediately ran to Maddox's side and took her hand gently.

"When will she wake up?" Ashlyn asked the doctors, blinking back the tears in her eyes.

"We don't know. Her body went through a lot of trauma in the accident. We just don't know if she'll wake up, I'm sorry." The doctors left as Ashlyn sobbed into Maddox's unmoving arms, she needed her to wake up.

-----

Day 1

"I brought you some food," Jet said as he entered the room with a black tray and two plastic wrapped sandwiches for lunch. Neither of them had left the hospital. Ash weakly thanked him as he set the tray down. He sat in the chair on the other side of the bed, praying his sister would wake up. He looked at Ashlyn, "What're you thinking about?"

Ashltn let out a long sigh. "It just... it wasn't supposed to go like this." She saw Jet's questioning look and continued. "I was supposed to audition for my first real music this weekend, and Maddox was going to be there to cheer me on. And then she'd become a techie for the same show so we'd get to work together. And then on opening night she would being me flowers and propose, all super chill because that's just how she is. But I'd say 'no' because I had already planned out my own big proposal with my own song to sing to her and everything." Ashlyn chuckles lightly.

Jet walked to the other side of the bed and hugged Ashlyn tightly. Maddox needed to wake up.

----

Day 3

"If you wake up, you can pick the movie for movie night every week." Three days was the longest Ashlyn had been without Maddox since they began dating back in high school, and she had hoped bribery would someone cause her girlfriend to wake up.

Jet smiled slightly, "Maddie, if you wake up, you can take anything you want from my room." The two laughed a little at their attempts to wake up Maddox. "Just wake up, Maddie, please."

----

Day 7

Ashlyn didn't want to admit it, but she was slowly giving up hope. She finally went home and took a shower on the 5th day of Maddox's coma, but she came back the second she could.

She placed a small bouquet of flowers in the small blue vase on the corner. Over the week, Ashlyn, Jet, and their other friends slowly filled the room with things to help Maddox recover; a handful of crystals by her bed, Ricky's radio and a handmade CD, the log with their names carved into it.

Ashlyn sighed, "Maybe true love's kiss would wake you up," she said to herself. She was practically out of ideas.

She sat back in her chair and pulled out the tarot cards she brought from home. "Alright, it's worth a shot. Cards, tell me if Maddie will be alright." She flipped over the first card; Death. "Nope, no thank you, we are putting this away." She quickly packed up the cards and tossed the box into the corner of the room. She looked back down at Maddox. "I love you, Maddox, please stay with me."

Suddenly, two brown eyes were looking up at her. "Boo," Maddox said quietly.

Ashlyn practically screamed of excitement as she held her girlfriend's face in her hands. Her beautiful, awake, alive face.

Maddox laughed, "sorry for scaring you, I was just going to tap on the bedroom window in a scary mask, but I guess a car crash works too." Ashlyn punched her shoulder gently before kissing her over and over again.

"You just woke up from a coma and all you can talk about is how your prank failed?" Ashlyn asked as she sat back in her seat.

"What else do you want me to say?"

"Anything, I'm just so glad I get to hear your voice." Ashlyn smiled down at Maddox, she couldn't stop smiling.

Maddox rolled her eyes as she thought of something to say, "hmmmm what should I talk about?" She tapped her finger on her chin as Ashly rolled her eyes. "Oh I got it! Will you marry me?"

Ashlyn's jaw nearly hit the floor. "What?"

"Is that a no?" Maddox asked, still smiling.

Ashlyn didn't respond, she just kissed Maddox deeply. That was all the answer she needed.

[amberlink]

i never truly understood why sirius is usually angry with james when he finds out he's with reg (I mean I totally understand and love the angsty possibilities it gives, don't get me wrong) but the way you explained it in forget the world….. yeah. That's why. He's not upset because "his best friend is dating his little brother", it's not about the roles they all have in this "triangle" of sorts. It's about the fact that they were both people for which he wanted to be the first choice. And the sudden and heartbreaking realisation that he never will be. James - the one person always by his side, always believing in him; and Regulus - the one persone he needed on his side the most but never had. It's about asking "why him, why not me, why was I never enough" and it's gut wrenching. The two most important people in your life choosing each other over you.

(and we could all argue how the fact that james and reg are dating doesn't mean they stopped caring about sirius because that's just stupid, but that's how sirius sees it anyway)

(Sorry for the long and rambling ask but I've been thinking about this for like two days straight and had to get it out of my system. I hope I got your vision right)

Yeah no this is exactly how I wanted to portray it. One of my favorite things I get to explore in this fic is Sirius’s response to jegulus (because I’ve never written jegulus before) in this situation where he and Regulus are kinda of sort of estranged (with their parents still in the picture) and James has always been there in place of his family.

Sirius is insecure because James and Regulus are really his only weak spots - the people that know him most vulnerably - so he jumps to these unfair conclusions about it. And growing up with his parents favoring Regulus and Regulus always ‘choosing’ them (out of fear) also certainly plays into his feelings about it.

I love the long and rambling ask!! It gives me confidence that I’m making sense and not just scrambling for angst <33. Ty ty

[demonio-fleurs]

i was tagged in a 20 Questions meme!

sorry for taking so long to respond, i can be kinda lazy sometimes and was waiting to be able to use my laptop <3 but ty for the tag @iam-jacks-redacted-information !!!

let's dive right in!

1 ) How many works do you have on AO3?

28!

2) What’s your total AO3 words count?

120,637 (owo)

3) What fandoms do you write for?

Red vs Blue, Spider-Man, World of Warcraft and SPYXFAMILY are what are listed on my ao3 profile. I've done my most amount of work in the RvB fandom, but i've also written a LOT for The Hunger Games, Torchwood, and (sadly) Harry Potter and Twilight. Just... not on ao3.

4) What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Next Time Around which is an RvB rewrite w/ Tex surviving outside of the Epsilon memory unit, instead of being erased by Church at the end of s9 (which i still need to rewrite and finish waaah) Closure which.. I genuinely don't remember writing. Scars which I wrote on behalf of someone who wanted more non-sibling Carwash fics a cup of coffee in the morning which I wrote after a desire to see more of Wash's tastes/interests changing after the implementation of the Epsilon AI it's all in your head aka, a cute lil thing I did for fifteen minute ficlets that I need to get back into for SPYXFAMILY and twiyor.

5) Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes and no. It depends! I am an awkward person so if I know how to reply, I usually will especially if it's something i can answer! However, if it's something where i can't really think of a good response I might just leave it, or come back to it later.

6) What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Uh... i tend to not write angsty endings. I like happy endings, I like knowing that despite everything, happiness can still be found. Like I LOVE angst, but I also like rewarding myself with some happy endings.

but one time I wrote about Cinna's death from THG so.... does that count?

7) What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I've never finished it, but my intended ending for Next Time Around was to have Tex going to Allison's grave on Earth with Carolina and Wash and laying down Forget-Me-Nots, before going back to live out the rest of her time with the Reds and Blues.

8) Do you get hate on fics?

Never directly, but I also don't really remember a lot of 2015-2018 because of cringe :'). I do think a lot of Peter/gwen fics got indirect hate from peter/mj fans which sucks because Peter has TWO hands!

9) Do you write smut? If so what kind?

I have orphaned most of my smut fics, but yes. I have done some basic ass vanilla guy eats out a girl stuff, but my favorite is the kinky sapphic smut. If you ever stumble upon a Tex/Emily Grey smut fic by an orphaned account, that was me :)

10) Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

No, they're just not for me.

11) Have you ever had a fic stolen?

No but last time I checked in 2021 someone had stolen my fucking background/about section from Tex RP blog and that was a COMMON problem I had in the RvB RP fandom on here. So. much. fucking. theft. of. my. god. damn. about. page.

And I put hours of work into it. Hours. It was detailed, and people just keep fucking stealing it somehow.

12) Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not that I am aware of!

13) Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

errrr...... Trying to rack my brain but coming up with a blank. i've written fics as favors/gifts for people though! Usually a "I have this idea and no idea how to write it help me pls Ange" thing

14) What’s your all-time favourite ship?

Church/Tex. Something about the inherent doomed by the narrative of it all, how no matter how hard Church tries to pull her close she always drifts away from him, the levels of love and trust they have towards one another.... Like they are DOOMED lovers but also they kinda both know that and that's what makes it so difficult.

15) What’s a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

I really really wanna go back and re-do and finish Next Time Around, and after playing NieR Automata that desire is even more present. but also, one piece is my current hyperfixation so I have no idea if I ever will.

16) What are your writing strengths?

oh. oh god. oh. um. hm.

Probably my short, punchy sentences. Where not a whole lot is being said, but the impact is still really strong and the emotions of what I'm trying to impart are impactful.

Also, my inner character monologues. I love that shit. Lemme open up their mind and tell you their entire secrets

17) What are your writing weaknesses?

Combat and physical descriptions B)

Combat is just... Idk. So much going on and it's so hard and you have to be really good about the descriptions and the motions and movements or else it's all a mess. And physical descriptions just... I'm a byproduct of the cringe era so I always worry about how my descriptions will sounds T-T

18) Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

/shrug

I have never attempted to create my own fictional language, and I probably never will. It just isn't for me. I am planning on trying to pick Japanese back up, as when I was a wee child I knew it fairly well, but lost it as the years went on.

19) First fandom you wrote for?

Shugo Chara! or Sailor Moon

20) Favourite fic you’ve ever written?

Next Time Around is my current magnum opus but it also unfinished and I have no idea when I will pick it back up.

And that's a wrap! Thank you again @iam-jacks-redacted-information for the tag!!! I appreciate it, and i loved reading through your responses! Plus it made me go back through my old ao3 archive and see what I have written which I haven't done in a minute.

Anyways <3 if you wanna play this game please feel free to, and tag me in it! I always feel awkward tagging bc I still don't know a whole lot of people on here anymore QwQ

[chuluoyi]

It's okay! I hope you enjoyed your break!!

YES there is a Xmas event omg I'm broke... BUT you have a chance bbg let's gooooo

😭😭 Unholy blood is so SO good tho!! Like Tbh I never liked vampires and stuff but this plot is so interesting I LOVE it. And to top it all off with ROMANCE- *chef's kiss*

Omg tell me once you've read it! I just started reading it haha!

omg right? No longer a heroine is so good like I love her character development! I also recc "Sister's war". It's by the same artist! It's so drama but I live for it.

hehe no probs Chu! I love giving reccs hahaha

OH and that's on my TBR omg glad to hear it's good I'll read it soonnn

.... No surprises there... Ngl she's a walking red flag... no offence but I have really no words...

AW it's an honour 🥹🥹

hahaha I can't sleep in I've got like 3 projects due in Jan... My trip to Kuantan [YES KUANTAN] was only 4 days long.... I need a longer break istg banking and finance isn't being good to me AT ALL.

YEAH I GET YOU I can't even go to school without light makeup cause I feel like everyone would judge me if I went bare faced bruh. Plus in my school, we don't have a uniform so everyone just dresses up. I don't have much clothes but I still gotta dress up cause the other girls look like they're going for a fashion show... Eyeshadow eyeliner and lipstick too! Like my extracurricular activity is makeup but I don't even feel like doing makeup everyday before going to school like PLS I'm there to study not to look good?!

Sorry for ranting HAHAH and yeah that's how I spent my secondary school breaks too! I love "Haikyuu" my first anime was "Yuri!! On ice". The 2nd one is gay but it's pretty good in my opinion. I love Violet evergarden too omg. For shows... I watch a LOT of K-dramas and my fave is "While you were sleeping" and "The Hymn of death". The latter is a short one, 3 eps if I rmb correctly! But it's so good and angsty HAHHA

YEAH I think I know that acc omg! I don't follow her but I always receive notifs from her- I DO hope he's alive tho! My non-JJK friends like to send me pics of half Gojo... You know the kitkat one?? Brutal...

YEAH LEVI SO FINE FR!!! Hotness at it's finest oh my goodness Idc if he's half blind and short and older than me he's the definition of a MAN

Oh my OH MY Taytay supremacy 🥹🥹🥹 I agree it's all so relatable like every song is a story itself!

Thanks for the tips, Chu 😭😭😭 I should try the forum... I hope it can help me....

Hahah totally relatable! When I started Accounting 2 years back I was like ?!??!?! More than half the time HAHAH like JUST BALANCE 😭😭😭 You'll make my life a whole load easier.... 1 financial statement is worth 20 marks... so you can imagine how much I'll suffer if I don't balance it.. Okay but I prefer my maths and languages over sciences 🫠🫠 I suck at Bio... But I kinda like chemistry ngl it's quite fun

hehehe it's nothing!!! and thankss I did enjoy it!!

Also, when I went to Kuantan heard the mayor was planning to build a LEGIT REAL LIFE memorial for Nanami 😭 She's in the midst of liaising with Gege and JJK editors. Its so cute how Kuantan is using Nanami as their marketing strategy 😭😭 Istg all the Nanami girlied will FLOCK to Kuantan just to take a pic with the memorial HAHHA

Okay I think I've written too much 🤭🤭 Hope to hear from you soonnnnnn 🩵🩵🩵🩵

-🪩

disco anonn!!🥹🥹 i have just gotten back from luke's bakerlon card omg i'm positively swooning it's my most fav card now AAAAAA

it's the same childhood friends luke rosa but takes place in bakerlon, really. and there's this little angst between them, forbidden love trope, and rosa is as brilliant as always if not more!! i love luke so much he's always there for her like aaaaaaaaa

and in the beginning, we get to see luke all serious and with that lower voice too🫠🫠

and the xmas event!! good lord i put all schips i have again and got marius so i think okay that's worth it🥹 i haven't read it yet but will after this! thank god they make luke an SR one or else😭😭

samee!! i used to think vampire stories are usually over-the-top but unholy blood makes it so modern i love it sm😭 it's to the point that i'm rereading it several times because the ending is just tooo bittersweet don't you think?😭 like we won but at what cost... pastor michael's sacrifice at the beginning of the chapter never fails to bring me to tears ugh

wait i actually didn't find the author's new work because i got tangled up somehow. is it apostle's creed? i ended up reading that🥲 but i think it's one of her older works...

okay okay i live for all drama!🥹 as of now i'm still on death is the only ending for villainess! it's so good omg thank you for the recs i just realized that i once read it too but then forgot it halfway🥲 i totally remember callisto's smirk alright. now i'm picking it up AHAHAH

you're going to kuantan!? omg i hope you have fun there!!🥹 to be honest silly me didn't know than kuantan is in malaysia before jjk🥲 but yes i saw this one ad that features nanami for kuantan😭 and yes me too! year end means work after work so i'm quite literally dying these days🥲 once january comes i'll be submitting my one-week leave!

i so relate to you!! but it's so cool that your school doesn't have any uniform and that you have makeup as an extracurricular?! i used to hate my high school skirt sm because they made it so long i had to cut it🥲 AHAHHAA omg like going to fashion show🥲🥲 i used to get this hate(?) from these group of questionable boys for wearing powder at school whereas they also mocked girls who were bare-faced as well. istg they were simply weird😩

that's perfectly okay!! you can rant whenever you want with me!🥹 ahh i've heard of yuri on ice too back then it was kind of booming?🥹 and HYMN OF DEATH I WATCHED IT LEE JONGSUK omg his dramas are always good🥹 and shin hyesun's acting is always top-notch too. i love shin hyesun in angel's last mission the most though because the story is just generally sweet!

that KITKAT HAHAHAHAH😭😭 i know that and also this one meme of gojo's half body with christmas hat. gods i hate that meme sm😭 my bf loves it he's so insufferable

hotness at its finest is so real ahahahaha

you're welcome!!🥹 i personally feel the forum is so helpful even though we asked the basics so i hope it'll help you too!

THAT'S SO TRUE or the exams would only consists of 2 financial statements which means each of them worth 50 marks?!😭 that sort of headache is what makes me choose engineering as my major in uni but then now at work i'm somehow back to dealing with finances and such *siiiigh*

omg you like math? i used to hate that even more than economics🥹 because i'd tear my hair out for finding x and y and for the life of me, i can't solve those kind of questions fast😩 and same! i suck in bio bcs i have trouble remembering complicated things but chemistry is so fun there was one time i remember all things in the periodic table even though i have a short-term memory aha

REALLY?!😭 wait but how, is it the same or different with the nanami memorial that's in the google?? even i'm interested to visit kuantan too if there would be a nanami shrine there!!🥹🥹

that's okaaay! my reply is sooo long too omg and i'm waiting for your reply too!🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻

[elgascreamslikehell]

Another game for writers. I'm not a real writer, I'm a cracker but here we are

Tagged by my sweet sunshine @pirrusstuff - I didn't forget!

I just don't really like my finished stories and ignore them) no, that's not right. I like them but i know it's bad so i don't want people to know that!!))

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

6

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

41,151

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Currently - only 911

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1. Hold on hope or just hold on

2. T-rex has never met brachiosaurus

3. Hot in blue

4. I'm sorry... kinda

5. Call me an idiot (till I'm your idiot)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Not that i have a lot of comments, hey, I'm awful in writing, but when i have - I response cause people waste their time on this stuff, I respect it.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Not in this fandom, not in this language, it was a long time ago. Now i hate angsty endings, i love angst in general but in the end everything should be okay, I'm done with the reality when it's bad and then it gets worse

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

... Well, I'm not sure what is the happiest ending, but 'Good liar bad liar or don't die before i do' has my favourite ending so far

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I have no idea how to divide hate and criticism so no?

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Well, not the specific detailed smut cause I'm too old for this but I'm fine with mentioning. So even if there's smut in my story it based on the emotions and feelings not on the anatomy.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I didn't yet but i have a plan!

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

No. But i have my poetry stolen dozens of times.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not that I'm aware of. So i think no.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No but it could be fun, just like texting roleplay.

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

Drarry. Well, i really have a thing for buddie right now but drarry is in my heart for twenty years now

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Actually... I'm not sure. I prefer to finish everything I've started.

16. What are your writing strengths?

In my own language I'm really good. That's why I don't use it for fanfiction.

I hope I can describe emotions right cause i can't feel them

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Beginning and title. And summary. And connections. Okay, writing is hard!

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

With added subtitles? If it's connected to canon - fine but I'm not a fan

I like when one character slips to another language to express itself, like Eddie and spanish or Draco and french

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Sailor moon. We never ever talk about it.

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

I'm not sure. I like all of them cause in every story there's a part of me and in every story is a part i just insanely in love with.

Well, i think everyone already played but tagging

@fionaswhvre @911-on-abc @steadfastsaturnsrings @carrierofthepaperclips @exhuastedpigeon

[sneakyfox55]

AAAAAAAAAAAAA THANK YOU FOR THE TAG!!!!!!!!! :DDDDD

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

134 AS OF RIGHT NOW!!!

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

622,511! (AGAIN, AS OF RIGHT NOW NYEHEHE)

3. What fandoms do you write for?

MOSTLY UNDERTALE BUT I WANNA WRITE MORE FOR THE TO THE MOON SERIES AND I'VE ALSO DONE WARRIORS TOO!!!

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1. Until That Day Comes

2. The Princes' Bride

3. as long as i get up, then…

4. You Can Be Great (And So Can I, Maybe)

5. Just Try

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

YES!!!!!!!!! :DDDDD I LOVE RESPONDING TO THEM!!!!!!!!!!

FOR ONE I'M JUST REALLY CHATTY ABOUT MY FICS BUT, ALSO CAUSE I JUST LOVE THANKING PEOPLE FOR READING AND TAKING THE TIME TO READ MY SILLY STORIES NYEHEHEH

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

OOO SEE ONE'S. TOUGH BECAUSE, I HAVE LIKE, TWO MAIN GENRES OF ANGST DSHDSJKHDSKDS LIKE. SKELEBRO ANGST AND ROMANCE ANGST. IN TERMS OF SKELEBRO ANGSTY ENDINGS, I'D PROBABLY SAY but in my heart's a memory BECAUSE, EVEN THOUGH IT'S PART OF A BIGGER SERIES THAT WILL GET HAPPIER AS TIME GOES ON, I BELIEVE THIS ONE ALONE HAS THE MOST INHERENTLY HOPELESS, PURELY SAD ENDING I'VE EVER WRITTEN FOR THEM. AS FOR ROMANCE!!! I'D HAVE TO SAY goodbye, goodbye I THINK, NOT ONLY BECAUSE IT HOLDS A SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART BUT IT'S JUST PURE SADNESS AND I LOVE THAT ABOUT IT!!!! AND FINALLY, AS FOR JUST, GENERAL UNDERTALE ANGST AS IS, THERE'S THIS FIC CALLED My Heart With You I NEVER QUITE FINISHED AND IS KINDA OLD BUT. MAYBE ONE DAY :)))

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I THIIINK I'D HAVE TO!!!! GO WITH The Tale in which Sans The Skeleton Gets Fecking Arrested!!!! :DDDD THAT OR Pick A Star On The Dark Horizon!!!!!

8. Do you get hate on fics?

NOT USUALLY. AND I'M REALLY GRATEFUL FOR THAT!!! I'VE GOTTEN A FEW OR SO COMMENTS GIVING ME CRITICISM I DIDN'T ASK FOR THOUGH (AND ONE TIME A COMMENT ON AN OLD WARRIORS FIC THAT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE ACTUAL FIC ITSELF AND INSTEAD WANTING ME TO WRITE A FIC FOR THEM JDSHKDHKDSJ) :')

REGARDLESS, I RECOGNIZE THAT I'M VERY BLESSED TO NOT HAVE GOTTEN MUCH HATE BECAUSE I KNOW A LOT OF AUTHORS GET CRITICIZED FOR THEIR WORKS ON A DAILY BASIS, ESPECIALLY FANFICTION WRITERS. AS MY FRIEND EM SAID, PLEASE BE AWARE THAT ANYTHING YOU SAY ONLINE CAN REACH PEOPLE AND HURT THEM. YOU NEED TO CHOOSE YOUR WORDS CAREFULLY; AND WHILE CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM IS OKAY, DON'T JUST ASSUME WE WANT THAT. WE WORK HARD ON OUR STORIES AND WE POST THEM FOR OTHERS TO ENJOY, AND WE DO IT FOR FREE. IF WE ASK FOR CRITICISM, THEN FEEL FREE TO GIVE IT!!!! BUT PLEASE DON'T ASSUME WE WANT TO BE IMMEDIATELY CRITICIZED FOR OUR HARD WORK WHEN WE PUT IT OUT INTO THE WORLD.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

NOPE SORRY LMBO

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I'VE DONE A COUPLE I THINK!!! THE CRAZIEST ONE HAS PROBABLY BEEN THIS IMPOSTOR FACTORY/UNDERTALE ONE CALLED The Observer KLDFJDSHKDSJSDK SKJHDSKJ

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I DON'T THINK SO?

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

NO BUT I'D LOVE IT IF SOMEONE DID!!!! :D

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

YEP!!!! What The Soul Wants IS AN UNDERTALE X READER ROMANCE SERIES THAT I WORKED ON WITH ARMELLE22!!! AND MY OLD-ISH FIC i'm rootin' for ya, kid HAS BEEN REBOOTED BY CAT_ON_A_KEYBOARD WITH A LITTLE BIT OF MY INPUT, THEY'VE DONE AN AWESOME JOB WITH IT SO PLEASE GO CHECK IT OUT!!!! :DDDD

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

EM YOU ARE SO REAL FOR THAT BECAUSE I ALSO WANNA SAY CANON CHARACTER X OC SHIP KDHSHDKJDSJHDSJDSGJHDDSJ

OTHER THAN THAT THOUGH I REALLY REALLY LIKE GRILLDINGS (YES I KNOW IT'S ACTUALLY GRILLSTER I JUST THINK GRILLDINGS IS CUTER) AND THE CLASSIC ALPHYNE!!!! :DDDDD

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I DON'T LIKE SAYING ANY OF WIPS ARE ABANDONED (EXCEPT FOR ONE FIC BECAUSE I NO LONGER LIKE THE SHIP I WAS WRITING IT FOR) BUT I DO WORRY ABOUT COMPLETING ALL MY FICS DHSDSHJDSJHDSGJDSH. I WOULD LOVE TO BE ABLE TO FINISH OUT LIFE WITH EVERY WIP AND STORY I'VE EVER HAD FINISHED AND CONCLUDED TOO IN THE WAY I WANT, BUT I'M JUST NOT SURE THAT'LL HAPPEN

16. What are your writing strengths?

HMMMM I'VE BEEN TOLD A LOT THAT I'VE MADE PEOPLE CRY FROM HOW I WRITE CERTAIN EMOTIONS AND SCENES???? TAKE THAT AS YOU WILL JHASGDSJHGDSJHGJHGHJDSGJH

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I THINK I'M NOT THE GREATEST AS LIKE. PAINTING A SCENE OR GIVING GOOD DESCRIPTIONS. MY WRITING CAN BE VERY BLUNT AND TO-THE-POINT I THINK; WHICH IS FINE, BUT I WOULD LOVE TO BE ABLE TO TRANSLATE HOW I SEE MY WORLDS AND IMAGINE THEM INTO WORDS THEMSELVES. I'M ALSO NOT GREAT AT WRITING DETAILS OR PACING

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

UHHHH YEAH NO I AM. NOT CONFIDENT THAT IN ALL JDSGJDHGHDJSGSDJH

19. First fandom you wrote for?

WARRIORS!!!! :D

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

HONESTLY, I'D HAVE TO SAY MY MAIN FIC Until That Day Comes!! IT HOLDS SUCH A SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART AND EVEN THOUGH IT GIVES ME TROUBLE SOME OF THE TIME (A LOT OF THE TIME ACTUALLY), I WOULDN'T TRADE WHAT I HAVE WITH IT AND THE COMMUNITY I'VE BUILT WITH IT FOR THE WORLD <3333333

NO PRESSURE TAGS!!!: @floofanflurr @lylia9000 @septic-dr-schneep @lizavet

Twenty Questions for Fic Writers

Thank you so much for the tag @hikamaus 💚 This looks really fun.

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

At this moment, I have 32 works on Ao3 (most of them oneshots)

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

At the time of posting this, it's 146,576, but I'm very close to posting the next chapter of Solace

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Mostly Undertale right now, but I also occasionally write for Harvest Moon/Story of Seasons and Sonic the Hedgehog

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1. Leaving a Mark

2. Robin's Nest

3. Solace

4. In Your Corner

5. Riding Therapy

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I love responding to comments! Even if it's just an emoji, I try to say thank you in reply, so they know I appreciate them taking the time to leave a comment.

I know there are some comments that I haven't gotten round to responding to, and those haunt me. Please know that it's either because I don't have the spoons at this moment, or because it's been so long that I'm shy about replying. But I genuinely do appreciate each and every comment I receive. 💚

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Probably No Man's Land (which also happened to be my first Undertale fic)

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I've got to say Photograph for that one. It still brings tears to my eyes rereading it, but they're happy tears.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

No one has said anything directly to me, but I did stumble upon a comment someone left elsewhere saying that one of my fics wasn't their thing because they "[didn't] like how the story is being told".

That really hurt at the time, especially as there was no other context as to why they felt that way. But my friends gave me encouragement and support.

Please be aware that anything you say online can eventually find it's way to the author, so please be kind.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I don't, sorry.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Not really. I've written crossovers featuring characters from separate games in the same franchise before, but nothing that spans entirely different franchises

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I would be delighted if anyone enjoyed my work enough to want to translate it

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, but I would love to 💚

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

Do Canon Character x Reader stories count? No?

Hmm... I can't think of any that would be my OTP. I generally prefer familial/platonic relationships, tbh

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

None of my WIPs are abandoned. But probably most of the original stories I've started and then never finished over the years. It's just much harder for me to maintain motivation when I don't have anyone reading my work and cheering me on.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I've always loved painting a scene or an emotion with words.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Oof, so many 😅 one thing I struggle with is wanting to post what I've written straight away. Sometimes that can work, like freshly baked bread. But most of the time it's like a plain cake: it needs time to cool, and then be assembled/decorated/finished in order to get the best experience from it.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I'd only do it if I was totally confident that I'd gotten it right. A common or short phrase would be my limit otherwise. If I really wanted to write dialogue in another language, I'd ask someone fluent in the language to help me with the translation and proof read my work.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

I think it was actually Legend of Zelda. I was about 12, and my brother, his friend and I made ourselves LoZ Ocarina of Time OCs. We started writing a fic of them, but never got very far.

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

Probably Photograph. I'm a sucker for a moving reunion scene, and that fic genuinely brought tears to my eyes as I was writing it.

No pressure tags (I'm going to try to avoid tagging anyone that @/hikamaus already tagged 😅) : @sneakyfox55 @hannah-heartstrings @lizzie-tempest @robanilla @thebeckster and anyone else that would like to have a go 💚

[littleoddwriter]

Hii ^^

How are you doing? I hope you're doing great <3

Could i request a Eli Sunday x male reader? I had this scenario in my mind where the reader is someone who was in a very low point in his life but Eli kinda saved him and the reader visists him to say thanks and ends up confesing his love for Eli by accident. The reader actually thinks that Eli would hate him for feeling like that and is scared but Eli reciprocates his feelings towards him. Just a little bit angsty but really fluffy.

Sorry if i wrote too much tho, sometimes my brain just won't stop thinking. Have a good time!

The Path that Led Me to You | Eli Sunday x Male!Reader

Hello there! Aw, thank you! I'm just terribly overwhelmed and exhausted, to be honest. I do hope you're doing well/great, though! <3 Absolutely loving this scenario. Thanks for the request! I really hope you like what I've done with it! It may have gotten more angsty than fluffy, I'm sorry if so! ^^" <3 And no need to apologise, you did great and I don't mind it at all when people write more in their requests. :') Take care! <3

summary; See above.

notes; Male!Reader; Planned Suicide Attempt (Implied/Referenced); Suicidal Tendencies; Religious Themes; Religious Guilt; Being Saved; Angst; Hurt/Comfort; Fluff; Falling in Love; Love Confessions; Kisses.

All your life you’ve been feeling this crushing guilt. Guilt for things you hadn’t done, things you had done, things you had no influence on, and so on and so forth. And when you didn’t feel guilty, you felt nothing. A suffocating kind of emptiness. It was an endless cycle and you wanted out. You didn’t know what else to do anymore. You had no one. You were no one. 

So, you decided that you were going to kill yourself. To end it once and for all. All this suffering you’ve been enduring for virtually no reason. 

Had you done something terribly wrong in your previous life? Was God testing you? No, was He punishing you? And if so, for what? 

Whatever the answer to any of those questions was, you would never know. 

Before you did it, though, you went to church. You wanted to ask for forgiveness before your deed. You were weak and you knew you were going to Hell for it. And so the least you could have done was apologise.

You thought you’d been alone in the church, kneeling before the big cross.

Tears were streaming down your face, as you sobbed out your apology, “Forgive me for what I’m about to do, Lord. You may be testing me, but I can’t do it anymore. It’s too much. I can’t- I’m so sorry. Please, oh, God, please. Forgive me!”

The sound of hurried footsteps on the church’s wooden floor made you jump, startling you out of your apology and instantly causing you to stop crying. 

“Y/N?” It was Eli.

Bowing your head in shame, you wiped away the tears with your sleeve, attempting to look more put-together than you were. It was stupid and useless, though, wasn’t it? He’s obviously heard you already.

“I’m sorry, Eli. I’ll be out of your hair now,” you said, getting up from the floor and walking past him with your head kept down. Or, at least you tried to walk past him, but Eli stopped you with a gentle, but firm, hand on your shoulder.

“Y/N,” he said sternly, tilting his head to attempt to meet your gaze. You wouldn’t let him and only lowered your head further. “What’s going on? What for were you asking the Lord for His forgiveness?” 

“It’s not important. Please let me go, Eli,” you told him, pleading with him. You sounded pathetic to your own ears. 

“You do know that suicide is a sin, don’t you?” Eli spoke firmly, as though he was preaching, and in a way he was. To you. Just you.

“I know,” you whispered, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologise. You haven’t done anything yet. And for as long as you don’t, you won’t have to ask for forgiveness from anyone. Especially not our Lord,” Eli told you kindly. “Sit with me.”

Defeated, you followed him and sat down in the front pew with him. At last, you looked at him. Compassion was basically written on his face. You didn’t know how much you needed to know that he wasn’t judging you harshly. The relief you felt bloomed in your chest, making some of that crushingly suffocating guilt go away. 

“Why did you want to commit suicide?” Eli asked softly, then.

You spent a little while explaining everything to him. And all he did was listen. He nodded in understanding. He showed you compassion. He put a friendly hand on your shoulder, your back and your thigh throughout, letting his palm travel to each of those places and squeezing your flesh to show you that he was right there and that you were not alone. And strangely enough, it helped you more than you could put into words. 

Once you were done talking, Eli sighed heavily, rubbing your thigh soothingly, where his hand still rested. 

“I’m sorry you’ve been feeling this way. I can only imagine how difficult that must be. But do you really think that killing yourself is the right choice? Do you not think that there’s something worth living for? Even if it’s just finding out why you’ve been made to feel this way all your life thus far?” 

Eli’s words rang through your mind. Perhaps he was in the right. Perhaps ending it so soon wouldn’t be good, if it kept you from finding the answers you’d been searching for. And perhaps there were things, people even, worth living for. You could currently think of one at least. Eli himself. 

Nodding, you once again used your sleeve to wipe away the tears that stained your face from your retelling. “You’re right, Eli. I- I actually think, no, want to find out. I want to keep going. I’ll try harder now, I promise.”

“Good,” Eli smiled at you, “I assure you, it’ll be worth it. If not for yourself, stay alive for the community. For me. For God. He’ll want you to keep going, I’m certain of it.”

“Yes, of course,” you said, smiling back at him.

“Will I see you at the sermon tomorrow, then?” Eli asked after a few moments of silence.

“You will.”

______

Months later, you’ve been going to every sermon again. 

Shortly before you had wanted to commit suicide, you hadn’t gone as often anymore. 

And every time you showed up, Eli smiled at you. He made eye contact with you, smiled at you, touched your shoulder, thanked you for coming, and asked if you were going to come back the next time. 

And every time you felt valued. You felt like you had a place you belonged to, like you weren’t just wasting away under those crushing emotions you’ve been feeling. 

Not only that, though. 

By now, a new feeling was added to the pile. A good one. It was love. 

At first you didn’t know how to identify it, since it would only ever come to the surface when you were around Eli. But soon you could put your finger on it. And once you did, you only felt it become stronger every time you saw him. 

You thought it was bad. It had to be. You were two men. You weren’t supposed to be in love with him. And besides that, he was a man of God. No one else existed for Eli, never has. He would certainly hate you if he knew.

So there was no chance for you to be with him. And that was okay. You had made your peace with that. 

The only thing that you still felt was long overdue was your gratefulness, though. You realised that you had never truly thanked him for saving you all those months ago. So you wanted to finally do that. 

You were on your way to him, nervous and with your heart racing. You only wanted to thank him. No big deal. And yet it felt like something far bigger. 

Knocking on his door, you waited. 

You kept tugging at your suit and fixing your hair nervously. 

Eventually the door opened to reveal Eli. He looked surprised to find you at his door, but smiled at you, asking you to come inside.

He offered you to sit down at the kitchen table with him, as he brought you a glass of goat milk. 

“So, may I ask what you’re doing here?” Eli asked, once he sat down across from you. He sat at the head of the table and you sat on his right.

“I, uh, I wanted to thank you. For saving me,” you said, averting your gaze, “You pretty much breathed new life into me, in a way. I’d really been at my worst then and you- you found me and you helped me. And I can’t thank you enough for it. I love you so much, Eli, you have no idea. You’re amazing, you- Oh.”

Once you realised what had slipped out in-between all your grateful gushing, you interrupted and stopped yourself, curling in on yourself.

“I’m sorry,” you whispered.

Eli was sure to kick you out of his house, the community, the church, the town. You shouldn’t have said that. You wished you hadn’t. He was going to hate you. He-

He laid his hand on your thigh and squeezed it gently.

Looking up at him in shock, you saw him smile shyly at you. His face was completely red, like he was blushing. Was he?

“How do you mean it when you say that you love me?” he asked, sounding cautious, like he almost didn’t want to know the answer, but not for the reason you had previously thought.

“I mean that I’m in love with you,” you responded without thinking about it. This was what would seal your fate. Be that for better or worse.

Eli closed his eyes and sighed in relief. You almost couldn’t believe it.

Smiling, he opened his eyes again and looked at you. “I love you, too,” he admitted, “I’d thought I was very obvious about that, but maybe not, considering how scared you just were.”

“I thought you were just being friendly. You know, making sure I don’t go and kill myself this time, if you show me enough kindness. I- I don’t know. It just made sense to me. You’re always so good to everyone,” you explained your view of things, shrugging awkwardly.

Eli agreed that you had a point, chuckling softly. For a split second you thought you had died and were in Heaven now. This must have been Heaven. What else could it have been? 

“May I kiss you?” he asked after a few moments that you two just smiled at each other. 

Putting your own hand on his, which still rested on your thigh, you nodded, “I’d love that.”

Eli leaned forward until he couldn’t anymore without falling from his chair, and you followed him suit. And then he cupped your cheek in his free hand and placed a chaste kiss on your lips. You reciprocated it as soon as it happened, kissing him again and again, ever so lovingly and sweetly.

“Thank the Lord for leading us together,” Eli murmured against your lips, pecking them.

You'd never been this happy to be alive.

[rrxnjun]

ok. i was gonna reply to ur comment but it got a bit too long of a rant HAHAHHA sorry😭

but girl i will never stop raving about ur fics istg like something about the way you write and your characters always seem to hit home for me like i always seem to connect with your characters. you make their emotions and the scenarios they're in so vivid and raw and IBFIWRFO i eat it up😭😭😭

i never used to like reading angst but you execute it so well that i'll literally love it when you do it (e.g. fics like two people, when nobody's watching, potential) IDK MAN it physically hurts my heart I FEEL THE EMOTIONS OF THE CHARACTERS MAN IDK

when nobody's watching: when the reader's looking at renjun thru the years from her perspective when the reader wants to reach out, I WANT TO REACH OUT LIKESJFGOWRG WHEN RENJUN SMASHES THE BOTTLE AT THE PARTY YK????

two people: the way you describe jeno and y/n's suffocating one way relationship, I UNDERSTAND THE READER!!! jeno is perfect, he tries to fix the relationship but IT JUST DOESNT WORK THAT WAY the relationship was way over before he tried to fix it and ITS SO REAL!!!! the inner turmoil the reader went thru and the slow changing feels for mark WAS JUST- UGH *chefs kiss

potential: man. where do i even start with this fic. it's a storyline that i never knew i needed to read in my life. like bar u don't understand, potential had me in despair for the next 4 days. i can understand chenle's pain, y/n's confusion, their complicated love for each other. i don't think words can describe how special this story is to me.

this.... became a lot longer than i anticipated and IM SORRY FOR RAMBLING ON ABOUT THE SAME THREE FICS OVER AND OVER OSBFOWRGO but seriously tho, i genuinely love everything you put out, keep up the hard work💗

(i think this is the longest ask i've ever sent lol)

i treat writing as my therapy session so maybe thats why the characters are always so raw- NO but omg this is such an honor bc i really focus more on the characters than the plot i think and i really try to develop them really well and stuff and i focus a lot on the feelings and emotions so >:((( i am so happy that you like that about my writing !!!

the paradox is that i HATE reading angst. like if its in a long fic where its mixed up i dont mind and i think its important to have angstier parts in a long fic too but if its a drabble and its angsty i just won't read it LMAOOO

when nobody's watching was such a spontaneous fic istg i wrote it in what. two days? at uni LMAO. i got the idea when i was like,, watching this guy from afar and then i realised i ALWAYS DO THIS like i always have those silly crushes on ppl and never tell them bc im scared but i care so deeply for ppl that dont even know i exist 😭😭���� but also i find that i used to change myself a lot to fit into social circles and even tho uni was really lonely for me at first that i kinda let go of that the same way renjun did so it was definitely cathartic to write :,)

honestly to this day idk how i even managed to write two people. like i think its the only fic i have thats about adult mature ppl LMAO all my other fics are like college aus and shit. like where did all of that pain and angst even come from ???? but i am so glad u liked it, i didnt expect ppl to enjoy that kind of fic >:((

DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON POTENTIAL why are my best fics always the most spontaneous. its literally like in my top 5 fav fics ive ever written so i am insanely happy that you like it sm !!! <33 chenle's character in this fic is insanely personal to me also :,) the readers and his dynamic is also one of my favs ive ever written,, idk idk theres just something about this fic...

i am really honored to recieve this in my inbox its so sweet of you and i definitely appreciate it a LOT hope you dont mind me rambling about the fics i just enjoy talking about my writing :,)

[vi-trying-to-survive]

Brownie Blues

Stephen Strange x f! Reader

Warnings: None, just angst. Probs the most angst thing I've written ever :') 💖💖

Summary: (Y/N) thought that Stephen has been on extra edge since the whole time loop ordeal, so she thought she could get him to take a break with her, but things don't go exactly to plan.

A/N: I really hope you guys like it. 🥺💖 This took me kinda long to write, but idk why. Also it's so angsty, like I didn't even plan to make this so angsty but it sort of transformed on its own :') Also if you like the writing please do leave requests😘🤩💖 (doesn't have to be Stephen Strange, I write for anyone in the MCU, but I love him with all my heart 💖💖), I love writing them. 💖🤩😊

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“Stephen !!!!” (Y/N) yelled, in excitement waving her hands in the air dramatically, “I just found the best thing in the store today”

“(Y/N), if it’s another basil plant to replace the one that died”, he rolled his eyes, walking down the stairs, his hands in his pockets, “you have to accept that your not good with plants”.

“But it’s such a good plant and it’s supposed to be easy to grow”, she claimed, waving her arms in the air dramatically, “but that’s not what I got”.

‘Well then, what did you get ?”, he asked, as he wrapped his arms around her waist, before pulling her in for a kiss, causing her to circle her arms around his neck, tugging him closer.

Still enveloping each other, they broke the kiss. “I got ingredients to make brownies”, she beamed up at him, “thought we could make them together … I think we both need a break from the situation at her hand”.

Stephen couldn’t help but match her smile, admiring her thoughtfulness but eventually sighed, his smile fading, “I would love to, but —“

“No buts Stephen”, she frowned, looking away from him and releasing her arms from his neck, sliding them down to his chest, “you can’t keep working like this, you barely sleep and you don’t eat enough”.

Turning her face back to him, she paused allowing herself to get lost in his eyes for a few seconds. She always loved how his eyes were so light and clear, full of life and joy, though he tried to keep a neutral expression, she could always tell how he was feeling from his eyes. Sighing she started, “I just — ever since the time loop — and I know bargaining with Dormammu was torturous, but you never open up to me or anyone else about it”, placing her palm across her face in a frustrated manner, “I’m just worried about you Stephen”.

Taking a step back from her, he placed his arms defensively across his chest, “well I’m sorry if I am trying to keep this universe safe (Y/N)”, he retorted, sarcastically, “you know what I’m sorry, I didn’t want to burden the people I love with the excruciating pain that I had to go through to save Earth— no, no scratch that … the universe!”

Now pacing back and forth slightly, in front of the woman who now stood shocked, with her hand covering her mouth which was agape.

Raising his arms to exaggerate, he continued with a mocking tone, “you want to know what happened so bad don’t you”, his usually calm eyes, now like a thundering sea during a storm, “I was stuck in that time loop for 10 years, 10 years of dying over and over again, while for you, Wong, Mordo and everyone else it was barely a second!”.

Finishing his rant, seemed to settle him slightly, finally allowing him to take a good look at the woman who stood shaken in front him. Her eyes glittered, with the start of tears forming, and immediately Stephen knew that he had mishandled the situation.

As (Y/N) began to speak, the large, wet drops began to spill, staining her cheeks, but her voice didn’t shake, “I’m not going to apologize for caring about you Stephen, but come and talk to me when you’ve calmed down”, with that she stomped out of the room, to toss her bags in the kitchen and let all the tears that had built up flow out.

Stephen continued to stand in the foyer, even after (Y/N). He had never made her cry, they’ve had multiple fights before, because what couple doesn’t, but he’s never made her cry ever. In fact he prides himself on it, or at least he used to, he though to himself. He knew he had messed up and his heart ached for her, longing to go to her, but his mind still filled with anger and pride refused to listen. Instead he found his legs carrying him to the library, flicking his hand the door shut with a long creak.

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Reaching the kitchen, (Y/N) tossed the bag she was carrying onto the counter in exasperation, wanting to scream. Unfortunately as the bag hit the surface of the cold countertop, a large crack filled the empty space around her, and the awful feeling at the pit of her stomach grew. Reaching into the bag, she pulled out the carton of eggs, hesitantly pulling at the top, which revealed that two eggs had cracked with their yolks leaking out slightly. The sight mixed with her argument with Stephen, well mostly her argument with Stephen, caused the tears that lined her eyes to come crashing down again. Messily pressing the bottoms of her palms against her face, she tried to rub the tears away, but they just kept flowing. Letting out a frustrated groan, she reached into her pocket, pulling out her sling ring. Sliding it onto her fingers, she began making the familiar movements and a blazing orange portal began to form. She defeatedly walked through it.

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Stephen sat at one of the tables in the library, with a thick book opened in front of him. Staring at the yellowed, age page, he tried to concentrate on the new spell he was learning before (Y/N) interrupted him. He tried to be angry or even annoyed at her, but the moment she entered his mind, his whole demeanor softened. He cursed his photographic memory as the image of her tears rolling down her face entered his thoughts again.

Leaning his elbow against the wooden table, he rested his forehead on his hand and noticed that after a few minutes he noticed that his sleeve was wet. Running his palms across his face, he realized that he had tears running down his face too. Groaning he leaned back on his chair, he thought back to that rotten memory.

(Y/N) was right, not talking about what happened during the time loop was eating up at him, like a mold that grew larger each time he replayed it in his mind. He had put up a façade, so that he didn’t have to relive it with others, thinking that it would be better for them that way. Most people thought he was fine, but (Y/N), his sweet (Y/N) who could see right through him knew otherwise, and he pushed her away, like so many people in the past. She didn’t deserve that, all she wanted to do was help him.

Realizing how awful he had been to her, Stephen quickly rose from his seat, his heart throbbing and yearning to be with her. His feet pounded against the hollow floors of the building but she wasn’t there. In a flurry of panic he thirst his hands into his hair, urging his brain to think of all the places she would have gone to. Fortunately in a matter of seconds it became clear to him.

Nervously, he pulled out his sling ring, moving his arms, the portal began to form, taking a deep breath he stepped through it.

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(Y/N) sighed, leaning her elbows on the stone wall surrounding the enclosure that was below. “I freaking love penguins”, she muttered to herself, fixing her eyes on the small black and white creatures. Some of them waddled around the rock in the center, while the others swam around in the water around it. She giggled weakly as one pushed the other into the water, honking in victory. Turning to the others she noticed a pair of them who stood basking in the sunlight, with their flippers almost touching each other, making it look like they were holding hands. “I wish relationships were that easy”, she frowned, wondering if she had pushed Stephen too far past his limit.

Being here made her think of the first time she took Stephen to see them, back when they were both still mastering magic in Kamar Taj, thinking that after an exhausting month of learning they deserved a break. ---

“Alright I can see why they’re endearing”, he chuckled, grabbing your hand and intertwining it with his, “they’re cute, quirky and very lovable … a lot like you”.

Grinning widely at him, she giggled, “thank you”, squeezing his hand and shuffling closer to him, trying to steal some of his warmth as a cool autumn breeze blew through them, carrying some of the sunset-coloured leaves along with it.

Resting her head on his shoulder, she asked softly, “do you know what’s so cool about penguins?”.

He shook his head, positioning his arm around her waist, pulling her in closer and clutching her tightly, as though she would disappear at any second.

She smiled, as she looked down at the penguins that stared up at the pair suspiciously, “they mate for life … they even propose with a rock, its so cute”.

“That’s one of the weirdest things someone has told me on a date”, he looked down at her and laughed, “but also one of the sweetest and endearing”.

She stuck her tongue out at him playfully as he turned toward her. Tenderly he placed a hand on the back of neck, pulling her in for a slow, sensual kiss. She instinctively wrapped her gloved hands around his waist, tugging him closer to her. Although they broke the kiss for air, their foreheads still remained connected as they smiled giddily at each other.

--- Rubbing more tears away from her already red and puffy eyes, she buried her face in her hands.

“(Y/N) ?”, a very familiar voice called out hesitantly and yet it still cut through the sounds of the noisy tourists and animals that surrounded them.

Recognising it instantly, she wavered a little, before turning around to face the man who stood a few feet behind her. She saw that his eyes matched hers, lined with red and the skin under them puffed up, his nose the same crimson as well. The sight alone made her heart ache and she wanted to run up to him and wrap her arms around him, but she stood her ground and folded her arms over her chest, his words were still a fresh wound in her mind and it stung.

He slowly made his way towards her, testing the waters. She did and said nothing, much to Stephen’s dismay, but he reminded himself that this was on him, so it was up to him to make it better. “I– I’m Sorry” he stammered out fidgeting with his hands as he shuffled from foot to foot, which made her soften her defensive stance, “I wasn’t fair to you, in fact I was terrible, and you were just trying to help, and your probably right … I am working myself to the bone”.

Releasing the breath, she was holding, she moved closer to him, cupping his face in her hand, “I’m sorry too, it was partly my fault”, she blurted, “I pushed you too far when you weren’t ready to talk about it”, his words making her anger melt into nothingness.

He gazed deeply into her eyes, “no don’t apologize, don’t even begin to blame yourself, please”, he sighed, “none of this is your fault, and if I’m being honest, you were right, the memory of Dormammu is getting to me”.

Timidly he reached out to clasp her hands in his, rubbing his thumbs gently over the surface, “I appreciate everything you do for me”, he admitted, forcing the walls he thought would protect the ones he loved to come down, realizing they only further provoked the raging storm in him, “I’m enraptured with you, my feelings are overwhelmed with you and you mean so much to me, I apologize for treating you like anything less”.

As she gazed into his crystal-like eyes, she could finally see some semblance of peace start to settle once again behind them, which lit a spark in her heart that blazed brightly. In a sudden burst of emotion, she threw her arms around his neck tightly, making the tall man stumble backwards, pulling his head down for a sloppy, desperate kiss. His lips moved in sync with her almost instantaneously, arms wrapping around her waist, almost clutching for fear that she would leave him at any second now. Breaking the kiss for air, they rested their foreheads against each other, the only sound between them being soft pants, relishing in each others presence, wanting the moment to last forever.

"Ahem", a man stood behind them, awkwardly glancing between the pair, while holding onto the small hand of a young, about 5 year old, girl, who was frowning furiously at them. "You're in the way!", she exclaimed, raising her free hand in the air to accentuate her point, as she tugged at her fathers arm repeatedly.

"Sorry", (Y/N) smiled apologetically at them, moving out of the way, dragging her stunned boyfriend along with her, burying her head in his chest after they were a distance from them, her cheeks painted a light crimson color from embarrassment. He chuckled lightly, pulling her frame closer to him, placing a gentle kiss on the top of her head. She responded by snuggling closer into the crook of his neck, brushing her lips softly against it, grinning to herself.

Pulling back slightly, Stephen cupped her face with her hand so that her gaze was fixed on him, “am I forgiven ?”, he whispered, worry flashed behind his eyes. She placed her arms across her chest, raising a hand to stroke her chin mockingly, as though deep in thought, before giggling, “yes, I think so”, standing on the tips of her toes to leave a sweet kiss on his cheek. He chuckled in response, enveloping her in his arms, as she moved in to place her head on his chest, sighing contently, he enjoyed the warmth that she radiated, having missed it, hoping to never let go of her.

[autisticlenaluthor]

sc request: Any s4 or s4 SC ideas you have?, feels like we don't get many of those, despite it being some of the best settings for identity reveals. Kara and Lena have an established knowledge of each other after season 2, making those seasons ripe for identity reveals, or Lena figuring out inconsistencies with Kara. The whole plane scene, the introduction of Sam as someone who Kara can be jealous over but unsure why meanwhile Sam calling Lena out on a crush on Kara, The whole reign/ex bf [1/2]

2/2] returning, the angst of Kara being hurt, s4 truth seekers, s4 setting up a potential return of Cat who figures out lena and kara are pining over each other, angst over Kara having to erase Alex's memories of her, Kasnia, the almost identity reveal actually becoming an identity reveal, and so many more potential AUs to canon. Feels like we as a fandom kind of ignore those potential settings because canon wise they sucked.

---

okay yes i just wanna say sorry in advance because this is going to be a mess because I have SOOO many thoughts about season 4. so buckle up for the most incohesive, rambly analysis you've ever read

i will literally say it until im blue in the face but season 4 had so many potential reveal spots and I will forever be angry lena found out the way she did

personally, i've always hated that lena never figured it out on her own. she's a genius/former child prodigy with multiple phds and you want me to believe she was fooled by a pair of glasses and a ponytail?? i think it would've been way better if she'd always known the secret and she was just waiting for kara to tell her. i'd hoped that in the season 4 ep where mercy attacks, after supergirl bypasses the lockdown, lena would've told her she knows.

specifically when she gives her that look, when she raises her eyebrow and tilts her head after kara says "but you're in a crisis and happy to see me". that was the PERFECT opportunity to show that lena knows, she just isn't letting on. i would've loved to see smth after where lena confronts supergirl about knowing she's kara. it could've been in an angsty/betrayed way or in a kind 'i know' way. idc. it just should've happened

also the thing you said about inconsistencies ! lena is smart, she's intuitive. things don't just fly over her head. and while I don't think she seems like a big 'people person' I think she's the type of person who analyzes behavior and makes mental logs of everything.

she's also been betrayed so many times by friends, coworkers, assistants, family, etc. that she has to know her friends. and by that I mean be slightly stalker-ish. i don't think it's out of the realm of possibility that lena's had L Corp employees look into the superfriends without them knowing. or at the very least, Lena would've lurked through kara's social media profiles when they were becoming friends.

this is all relevant because being who she is -- I don't think lena would take kara canceling plans or leaving abruptly in the middle of things as just a coincidence. especially because when supergirl makes a big save it's often on the news-- if lena's character were more realistically written, she would've pieced together that supergirl is always 'out' right around when kara leaves her. and I think even if she'd just had a slight suspicion that those two things were connected, she would've investigated.

so even if she didn't know kara was supergirl right off the bat-- I don't think she would've made it FIVE YEARS without piecing it together on her own.

it literally took her like a week and a half to figure out sam was reign once she started getting suspicious, like come on !!

--

I've never thought about kara being jealous of sam before (typically she's written being jealous of jack. and we see that in season 3) but I kinda love it as a concept

lena and sam were so close in season 3 and when sam leaves, in the first episode it's implied sam and lena are still in close contact. lena seems like she gets into pretty intense relationships once she's friends with someone

(she obviously holds back and tries to wall herself off. but i think once she's in, she's IN with her attachment to that person. i think of course, she still keeps information about herself private- she doesn't open up right away, if at all. but i see her as forming very strong attachments-- which we sort of also see with andrea. she's been deprived of genuine connection and care her whole life so when someone shows that to her, she doesn't want to let it go. i also think that she feels way more intensely about these relationships than were shown. like with kara -- she presents as caring about her a Normal Amount but we also see her studying for gamenight and crying over pictures of the two of them together. i think way more of those behaviors happen that aren't shown, bc of lena's history with trauma and abandonment)

and the intensity might be something that makes kara feel insecure. sam is gone so lena and kara are seeing each other more often but maybe sam comes up in conversation more. lena will mention in passing things sam has said over text or how much they're talking or say she misses her, and it will make kara feel uneasy.

i think at this point kara would know that the feelings of jealousy are because she has a crush. at least, she'd know it subconsciously. but at this point she knows she needs to tell lena she's supergirl and she's starting to feel a lot of guilt around lying to her. so I feel like she'd sort of beat herself up for it? like think that she can't have a crush on lena or come forward about her feelings until lena knows