#like damn broh

[yazzydream]

Y'know what's fucking wild? Yuji's grandpa died this year. ("This year" as in, in story timeline wise.) Yuji hasn't even been introduced to the sorcery world for a whole year yet!!!

[ricksdirtyarchive]

Bad B!tch 📸

Master List

You, Morty, and Rick were chained against the wall. A rescue mission gone bad. Rick made eye contact with you.

“(Y/n)” Rick whispered. Morty’s eyes wide in fear. “I need you to do me a favor.” You nodded briefly. “Sting the guard when they get within reach”

“Okay” you whispered quietly. You waited till the guard got close enough before forcing your stinger out. “Hey!!” You called. “Hey I gotta pee!!!!” You shouted.

The guards grumbled as they approached you. Something about not wanting to clean up your mess. The second you heard your other cuff click open, you stung the guard in his leg, forcing him down on his knees.

“Atta girl (y/n)!” Rick said excitedly. You grabbed the gun, shooting the other guards, stomping on their heads. “Damn she’s so hot” Rick says adoringly. You undid he and Morty’s cuff. Each of them grabbing a gun from the dead guards.

“They took the lab coat” You say.

“It’s not like I can’t just call it back” Rick shrugged. “Lab Coat, find me” the three of you stood in the middle of the cell. Soon a white flash entering the room and settling on Rick’s arms and shoulders.

“Mmm” you hum. “I love you in the lab coat” you mention as you follow him out.

“Yeah yeah, look you lead, Morty and I need to blend into the walls. They won’t attack you directly… because you’re a girl” Rick says as he and Morty turned invisible.

“Hey look a girl!” A guard turned a corner as you trekked through. “Come on sweetie out the gun down. We can get you back to your cell-“ you shot him.

“No one calls me Sweetie but Rick” you say voice laced with contempt. You looked up to see more guards. “Let’s lick tits” you say smiling.

You fired your gun, shooting the guards while they shot at you. You run up the walls shooting a few more. One of them shot the gun from your hand. You pulled a knife out and jumped down slicing and cutting through them.

“Daaaammmmmn” Morty said as he watched you kill the aliens. “She’s so badass”

“I know right?! My bitch is bad as fuuuuucckkkk!” Rick laughed as you crushed a head under your boot.

“Don’t ever underestimate me you pieces of shit.” You say as Rick and Morty uncloaked themselves.

“My god watching you do that made me so hard” Rick tells you before dipping you and kissing you roughly.

“Uhhh R-r-rick!” Morty exclaimed. “There’s mooreeee” Morty screamed. You and Rick both raised your guns. Eyes locked onto each others and shooting at the guards, killing them.

“Let’s have a baby” Rick says staring at you, guns still firing. “I-I-I want a family with you” Rick says lovingly.

“Let’s make it out of here alive and we can make one when we get home” you answer as Rick pulls you upright. The three of you running around.

“Where the ship? Where’s the ship? Where’s the ship?” Rick asks looking in through random doors.

“R-r-Rick! I found-found it” Morty announced from down the hall. You and Rick ran to Morty, piling into the ship.

“Let’s go home” Rick smiles as he flys out of the large ship.

~The garage~

Rick dropped onto the garage. The 3 of you covered in alien blood and grime.

“Fuck! Y-you’re awesome!” He exclaimed excitedly, picking you up and spinning you around. “O-o-oh my god, ha ha ha, when you crushed his head, I was like “oh-oh-oh shit, she does not play around” he laughs.

“Y-yeah (y/n)! You-you-you were totally awesome broh” Morty voiced.

“Hey Morty, next time, leave the fucking people to die” Rick says as he hears Morty. “I hate to be a dick, but it’s your goddamn fault we were all caught up like that.”

“Rick” you place a gentle hand on his arm. He looked at you with adoration in his eyes. He was still in awe of you from earlier. He was more in love with you than ever.

“Baddest bitch in the galaxyyyyyyyyyyyyyy” Rick screams.

“Is everything okay over here?” Gene said as he looked over the fence.

“Hell yeah! Gene, your daughter is fucking awesome!!” Rick exclaims holding you up and towards your dad. You were laughing so hard you had tears falling from your eyes.

“That’s my girl” Gene said, a light smile playing on his lips. Rick sets you down.

“We-we-we gotta go tie one on” Rick says. “L-l-let’s go” he grabs your hand and pulls you through the house to invite Beth and Jerry out for drinks.

~ 6 Hours later~

You and Rick came stumbling out of the bathroom. Sweating and hair all askew. Beth and Jerry looking at you as you twirled in Rick’s arms on the way back to the table.

“What the hell took you guys so long?” Jerry slurred.

“We were *burps* making Beth a little brother” Rick says as you hiccup, a sweet and satisfied smile resting on your lips.

[thefluffyrailway-official]

So if toad wears mittens, then do any of the other floofs wear other clothing? Christmas hats and the such?

Well yeah. They can, but most of them don't need it. (Except Diesels, who may use sweaters and scarves in winter)

Brake vans don't need them as their fur is long and thicc. But the mittens are to not hurt others.

They know their claws are dangerous since Toad accidentally scratched Sallie's arm leaving a visible scar on it.

And since Bradford left Samson without his frontal paw. (At first, he was about to kill the one who did that to his friend with benefits. Then, he was just like 😐 "Damn broh". Then curled into a ball squeaking like a pupsie)

Still, they can use clothes anyway.

[prism-empurress]

i'm not into...like...spitting in each other's mouths, like at all... like literally SPITTING. ew. no. BUT GOD DAMN THAT IS SOME FUNNY SHIT. JUST. OPEN MOUTHED LIKE THAT "is that sprite broh?"

[nihilistic-rick]

damn broh, you are a dweep if you stalk your crush’s thoughts on you like that. You’re acting like a Jerry fr

[daisukijosh]

i cannot stand my new coworker sometimes. they flex a stupid "physical therapy" degree at every chance they get. im like 'yeahhh it's rough i get like 4 hours of sleep on work days cause of insomnia so on the weekends i sleep like 12+ hours because im so exhausted to make up the sleep debt' and he laughs at me and says 'that's not how that works :)' like broh you literally sound like a dipshit right now

some people are just douches (and wrong despite having a degree lmfao). literally ruining my awesome coworker dynamic. also holds terfy values so i absolutely hate them. police your own damn body and stop with this holier than thou 'i know what your body should be doing' shit. it's so fucking annoying lmfao

[bigfukaku]

yo my birthday is the same day the government is scheduled to shut down lmao

[pixxie999]

Lewd Scene #2: My Thirsty Daydream

Watching my Pre-Calculus teacher lecture a lesson in class, I sighed and frowned while the other students around me either fell asleep in class, drawing something on their papers or their assigned desks, or just paid attention to one of my math teacher's lectures. Okay, wow…this class is so, SO boooriiing-gah…I turned left at the window and saw all the physically attractive young women jogging around the track. Two teachers stood in the middle of the track to supervise those women.

     "Mmmm…" I silently said to myself with my mouth closed. I laid my chin upon my palm and smiled at those young women. Now this is the thing I can get behind. My cheeks blushed and my eyes were nearly closed. 

     I imagined those braless women wearing tank top shirts, showing off their midriffs and under breasts. Mmmm…Their tits bounced up and down hard, as well as their nips poked through their shirts. They wore their super short shorts that exposed their buttocks. 

      Oh, yeah. Delicious! I mean, who doesn't wanna love that shit, right? Then I also imagined them drinking some water and spilled some water on purpose for them to land on their breasts, making their shirts see through. 

      I noticed their aroras finally appearing in all sorts of colors-usually pink and brown ones-and their nipples poked through harder than ever before. Then they poured water all over their chests for them to be wet. Oooo…hot damn, babes. I continued ogling at those young ladies until someone's voice shouted "Hey!" at me.

     "H-Huh?!" I asked, turning to the young man with brown hair yelling at me. I noticed the paper in his hand. Oh, that must be my assignment. Dammit, I must've over daydreamed, didn't I?! I should've paid attention in class. "Thank you."

     "Uh-huh," the young man answered as he returned to his assignment.

     Then I returned my attention to the track and those women were back to their normal school gym uniforms. Their shirts covered their midriffs and they were wearing sports bras. I noticed their breasts did bounce but not as hard as I imagined them being braless. And their shorts covered their buttocks, although some of the women there wore their short shorts there.

     I sighed and frowned for a bit, continuously watching the women reentered the school gym. Awwweee, man. Looks like the fun's all over and I was havin' a good daydream. Well, time to get back to that boring ass reality, huh?

     "Uh, ahem!" The young woman behind me said impatiently.

     "Huh?!" I immediately turned to her out of curiosity. 

     "The assignment."

    I closed my eyes with a little sweat coming off of my forehead. "Oh, right! Sorry 'bout that! Ha-ha-ha!" As soon as I placed my assignment on my desk, I turned to the blue eyed young woman behind me and handed her the assignment. "Here, ya go!" 

     "Thanks," the young woman responded, grabbing onto her assignment.

     "No prob." 

     But before I returned to my assignment, the young woman just gazed at my face. "Um, 'cuse me."

      "Ah, huh?! What's up?" 

      The young woman placed her fingernail onto the right side of her chin. "You got something on your face."

      I became confused. "Huh?!" Once I placed my hand on my chin's location, I felt some drool on it. My face blushed when I looked down at the drool in my palm hand. Oh, Jesus! How come I didn't even notice this shit, huh?!       

      I wiped the drool off of my face and wiped it on my pants. "Oh, thanks for the heads up, broh."

      "Don't even mention it."

This scene was inspired from three scenes from an American movies released back in the late 1990s called But I'm a Cheerleader! and I loved every minute of those scenes. So what do you guys think? Do ya love it? Do ya hate it? Let me know in the comments either in Tumblr or Twitter. Otherwise, take care!

#writing #lewdscenes #proship #pro fiction #proshipping #profic #proship safe #proshipactivity #underagelewds

[moxfirefly]

27. Dirty Talk for the red banded rebel please and thank you. (I have stumbled upon your works and I clicked the follow button real fast) ❤️

Broh you really just killed me, ok ok some dirty talking with big bara *cracks knuckles*

Rated EXPLICIT (18+ ONLY)

Work meeting were some of the most mundane activities you had to endure. On rare occasions it could turn into a heated but professional debate, on days like today it was simply boring. You scanned your phone sneakily from beneath the table and mentally groaned at the time. There was still a half hour of mindless presentations to go.

Once again you eyed your phone but this time something awaited you. The text message made you smile, finally some entertainment and more so since it was sent from Raphael. A few hours from now you’d be happily snuggling up to him and forgetting today. Unlocking your phone you went to his and yours chat, it was a simple question and read as so.

-You busy?

Clearly of course you wanted to send him a selfie of the meeting and all it’s bored inhabitants. Instead you settled for a sad faced emoji and a yes. Expecting for that to be it, he was very considerate of work hours after all, you were ready to leave the conversation at that.

Today though? Simply was not the case.

-You wearing those stockings I like so much?

You raised a brow at the question before eyeing your legs, well you most certainly were. You typed a quick affirmative and instantly the three dotted bubble popped back up. You lifted your gaze towards the meeting, had to feign some interest from time to time afterall.

-Show me

The vibration of the message brought you back and upon seeing the demand you stared a little wide eyed. You explained you were in a meeting and couldn’t necessarily leave and just take a selfie for him. Raph quickly replied and you had to admit, it made your throat feel a little dry.

-I want you to take it there, just your legs

Okay, okay... well then, for the sake of humoring him you took a good quick of your legs and sent it. Truly expecting that maybe that would be enough, you were met with another message that made you want to sink deeper into your chair.

-You’re lucky I love those, cause I’d more than rip them off with my teeth to get those pretty legs wrapped around my head

Your simple text of ‘Raphael Please’ only added more fuel to the fire.

-Ever tell you I love it when you say please? Especially when I got my dick buried in you? You get so hot and flustered baby

Which effectively was happening now. You wanted to yell at him but a warm heat pooling beneath your stomach wasn’t allowing it. Then he just had the audacity.

-Go to the bathroom and call me. Right now.

Oh you were gonna smack him when you got home. With a lame excuse you got up from your chair and made the trip towards the bathroom. Phone already dialed by the time you entered he had picked up.

“What up baby” Why did his voice have to do that thing. You bit your lip and looked at yourself in the mirror. “Dont ‘what up’ me, you know I’m at work and you’re being very unkind” You heard him shift, the rustling of perhaps his bed?

“Can a guy just call his girl and tell her he misses her?” He spoke lowly, that sprinkle of sweetness. “But also tell her he wants to pound that pussy?” You pressed your lips together tightly and closed your eyes. “Raph, you can do both once I’m home” Logical you cheered, fun perverted you boo’d.

“True true, but I keep looking at these legs and just, damn baby I want them wrapped around me right now...and I think you do too” That charm was on and you were quickly falling. “...just my legs?” You walked into a stall and closed it. “Mhm, I’m torn between them and your ass, fuck I love that ass so much” There was an edge to his words and you couldn’t help but press your legs together.

Feeling bold you hiked up your skirt, positioned your phone and took a picture of said body part he was infatuated with. He grunted upon seeing it, you bit down on your lower lip harder. “Fuck Y/n, yer killing me here. Wish I had ya on all fours right fuckin now” The way his voice dropped and a light churr escaped him made your head spin. “You touching yourself?” You asked a little breathless. Raph chuckled before groaning again and this time you could pick up the unmistakable noise of his hand.

The thought alone had you wet. God he sounded so good and every dirty confession only made you wish you were truly there. “Look at ya, got ya in some bathroom thinking about my cock being buried in that tight wet cunt, ya want that so bad huh baby?” All be damned you had your hand now in your underwear, rubbing the wet sensitive bundle of nerves. Knowing you couldn’t be as freely loud as he could perhaps be, you retorted with a lengthy sigh twisted around his name.

“Up to me, I’d have ya on my bed 24/7, Eat ya out when I’m hungry, fuck yer brains out when I’m bored” You pressed your forehead against the stall, his words further pushing you. “As if, you love it when I take control, love when it’s me tying you to the headboard and riding that dick” You knew he shuddered from the way he stuttered out a ‘Fuck’. He wanted to play dirty, so could you.

“Is this the purpose of this call? Missed me too much? Missed how good I look on top of you? Oh poor Raphie” You accentuated his pet name with a light moan. The danger of being caught had your senses tripled in pleasure and you knew the very idea had Raph at the verge of cumin.

“I’m gonna fuck you good when you get home, but for now mess up those pretty panties for me” That made your knees week and the quickening pace of his fist around his cock as well. The image itself of Raph fucking his fist imagining it was you was far too delicious. You came with a muffled moan as you bit down on your lower lip, Raph’s ‘oh shit oh fuck’ signaled you that he had just done the same.

“Clean up your mess” Was your breathless demand before hanging up on him.

And for good measure you recorded yourself licking your fingers and winking at him.

-Next time you’re on patrol, you’re gonna so regret it

You captioned before turning off your device just to really annoy him.

Tonight was certainly going to be fun.

[tommy-h-bff]

sometimes I wish I was fucking stupid where I can't really perceive things deeper than they actually are. but there are such things as alternate realities and things can polarize, like a mirror reflection when our reality dims and darkens. It's just the balance of the universe. It'll even out. I try to say these things, and people can't comprehend my mind, and automatically say I'm janky, or that they can't stand to be my friend because they fear I'll die in a ditch, or??? I'm just a crazy fucking bitch. Thanks, I guess. I just have a very open mind. Very analytical in the sense that I can read any transmission, even when I sleep, (clearer head when I rest), and still be half conscious where I can piece together what the encryption means. Subliminal messaging. I got immediately labeled as schizophrenic-bipolar, after they asked me what disorder I had and I told them, "all of the above", because I'm a fucking smart ass. Just psychic, broh. That's what happens when you expose my naked eyes to a tragic inside job and tell me to remember every fucking year of my life since. Shut the fuck up. You ruined me. I'm like a god damn prophet now. My memory is photographic. Everything does indeed happen for a reason, and I can tell why. It messes me up. It's not fair.

[toonbly]

tbh I've been following your blog for longer than I've known about Freeman's Mind so sometimes I forget that he's supposed to be Gordon Freeman. I just look at any content including him and I go "oh Nathan :)" but no that's not his name

I DO THE SAME DAMN THING DHDJDKDKDKDM THATS JUST NATHAN. THATS THE FUNNY CASCADE CROWNS PIRATE. LIKE IF FREEMANS MIND WASNT A WELL KNOWN THING WE'D ALL PROBABLY ASSUME I JUST MADE AN ORIGINAL OC DO NOT STEAL WHOS GORDON FREEMAMS BROh my god hes just john freeman but mean

[fleshphagus]

like the Thought of commissioning ppl for fanart tasetes awful in the back of my throat but at the same time would they REALLY mind they could fully say no its just like Conceptually hard to chew bc i dont wanna be That Person but

[stitchedupmemes]

Things I've Said RP Starters: The Series, except this time it's stupid crap I've said on Discord

Yes you can change the pronouns I'm not stoppin y'all knock yourselves out

1. "HEY WHAT'S UP YOU BITCHASS FUCKING CUCKS"

2. "Bro that really butters my fucking pickle dude"

3. "Far out dude that was the most beautiful cursed thing I've ever seen in my life"

4. "Broh I'm so tired like you won't believe how hard it can be to lift up one singular plate."

5. "AYUDAME YOU STALE ASS SON OF A BITCH"

6. "Do you not like my wittle toesies?"

7. "Ah, babies, finally some good fucking food."

8. "Okay no you don't understand they may be the size of crumbs but there's like one thousand of them and only one me."

9. "Your child. Hand him over."

10. "No you're a penguin you useless lesbian"

11. "How come HE gets to be a lesbian icon I technically gave him that idea"

12. "I'm gonna eat my whole asshole."

13. "Piss!"

14. "Fucker I have bigger dick energy than you and I don't even have one"

15. "NO FAIR I WANNA DIE TOO"

16. "You must grow BIG and STRONK by eating BEAR MEAT so you can grow stronk like bEAR."

17. "This is the gay police you haven't done anything we're gay and just wanted to tell you you're gay too"

18. "Okay no if I put in this one it's gonna be a fourth wall break and I've done too many of those."

19. "Pplease have mercy on my lesbian sou l"

20. "Okay see funny thing about tumblr is that if one person gets pissed you die that's it there's no escape you fool you absolute buffoon of a man"

21. "I swear if in an alternate dimension my life is a show and no one has placed wii music over the tragic points in my life someone is going to pay with their life."

22. "YOU BITCH NO WE'RE MINORS REMEMBER????"

23. "If I'm going to be your child you have to battle me to the death in pokemon and win."

24. "NO, I'll never acknowledge him as my father he's a crusty piss lizard man."

25. "Look at him, giggling like a cartoon villain, absolutely sickening."

26. "Yeah dude let's live off CORN for the rest of our lives just like the motherfucking pioneers dude damn they'd be so proud"

27. "Oh hey if you're dead can I sell your organs on the black market thanks"

28. "Disgustang."

29. "FUCK you Brenda you stale ass bitch we're eating casserole tonight not your stank ass lemon bites"

30. "Die."

[lifviakaza]

2019

Jadi beginilah ceritanya. Akan gw tuliskan dalam Bahasa Indonesia karena tak ingin Berbi menyinggung dua orang temanku diskusi malam tahun baru kemarin. Ceritanya gua baru pulang kerja dan teman serumah gw, anggap saja Sherina gak kerja hari itu jadi ya, dia dirumah. Sampe rumah udah jam 10.30 malam lah kira-kira lalu pas buka pintu udah kedengaran musik alay dan si Sherina nyanyi-nyanyi. Tapi semua lampu mati. Yaudin, gw karena lavar tingkat dewa, kirain dia nyanyi-nyanyi dari kamarnya, eh ternyata pas gw hidupin lampu dapur, dia dengan baju tidur seksehnya lagi diruang tamu (yang berada di sebelah dapur), dan gw langsung bilang: “Aku lapar, mau masak. Kau sendirian?”

Lalu tiba-tiba kepala seekor eh seorang cowok nongol dari belakang dinding pemisah dapur dan ruang tamu, “Woy, Monica?!” Untung gua saking laparnya belum buka jilbab, terus gw say hello (okay, gw gak bisa full Bahasa Indo wkwk) Terus mereka meyakinkan gw, “Makan aja itu mie dan lain-lain yang kami masak. Gak ada babinya kok.” Lalu yasudah, gw gak nolak walopun rasanya hambar wkkw 

Saat itulah mereka beranjak ke meja makan nemenin gw makan, sebenarnya gw udah mau bawa si mangkok ke kamar karena it’s awkward cuy, gw gak tau gw ngeganggu mereka atau gak dan gua males kalau mereka mabuk berat kan kayak temen yang kemarin, jadi gw seperti biasa, langsung meluncur dan mau ke kamar. Tapi si Ujang (anggap aja nama si cowok, dia temen sekantor gua yang baru berenti kerja) bilang, “Ayolah gabung, ini tahun baru lho!” Lalu oke, gw duduk di tengah-tengah dan mereka di sebelah kanan dan kiri gw yaa you know lah susunan meja makan nak? haha

Kita ketawa-ketawa dan cerita-cerita tentang pekerjaan baru si Ujang yang kantor barunya di gedung yang sama dengan kantor kami, cuma beda lantai doang, whattttttt. Terus cerita-cerita gimana kita belajar bahasa, terutama si Sherina yang bisa 5 Bahasa, dan iya, kami cerita kalau kami punya satu hal in common--suka lupa bahasa yang satu saat ngomong bahasa yang lain, kayak gw deh, pas ngomong Bahasa Inggris, gw lupa satu kata “sepele” tapi gw ingat Bahasa Indonya, dan sebaliknya, kadang gw lupa Bahasa Inggris dan Indonya, tapi tau Bahasa Rusia nya, yes damn Man, si Ujang bilang, “Gua gak kebayang gimana kehidupan orang yang bisa ngomong 10 Bahasa dengan fasih. Kok masih idup ya?” HAHAHAHAHA kami ngakak.

Tibalah gw ditanya, tahun baru di Indo gimana?

Dan gw sih kayaknya yang memulainya, bukan salah gw juga sih, salah bule juga kenapa terlalu kritis dan kepoh? zzzzzz

“Di Indo ya, samalah, anak-anak muda pacaran, entah kemana-mana sampe tengah malam, bakar-bakar, anak-anak pun gitu sama ortunya main kembang api palingan. Tapi kayak yah, mereka ngikut-ngikut aja sih, karena itu yang diliatin TV dan orang-orang “gaul” like artis dll di luar sana. Tapi mereka gak ngerti esensinya. Kalau menurut gw pribadi, tahun baru ya tahun baru, yaudah, terusssss? Biasa aja. Kami pun libur paling sehari doang sama pemerintah. Gak semeriah disini sampe libur 10 hari. Plus, dalam Islam kami punya kalender islam dan tahun baru islam udah dari beberapa bulan yang lalu. Dan kami ngerayainnya biasa aja sih.”

Ujang angkat bicara: “Ah, jadi kalian gak ngerayain tahun baru ini? Hmmm”

Disini udah mulai salah paham sih, padahal gw udah jelasin sepanjang dan selebar daun kelor diawal wkwk

“Gak, kalo orang islam yang tau esensi sebenarnya tahun baru, ya mereka tau tahun baru islam udah dari beberapa bulan yang lalu. Tahun baru masehi ini, ya jadinya biasa aja. Hanya karena tahun masehi ini dipakai seluruh dunia secara universal, makanya banyak orang yang heboh. Padahal biasa aja sih, apa yang mau dirayakan?”

Lalu si Sherina yang ‘pernah’ islam nyambung: “Kau orang islam pertama yang bilang tentang kalender islam ke aku. Aku dulu islam, dan di negaraku kawan-kawan aku banyak juga yang islam, hampir semuanya malah, terus pas aku kuliah dll ada juga kawan aku yang islam yang bercadar dsb tapi gak pernah ngomongin tentang kalender islam.”

Si Ujang nambahin lagi: “Esensinya apa dari tahun baru islam itu? Sekarang udah tahun berapa di kalender islam? Maaf ya, cuma aku gak ngerti masalah ginian, aku, kami disini sih ngerayain semua tahun baru dan perayaan dan selalu libur dari pemerintah. Yang Januari ni banyak libur ya karena itu, tanggal 25 Des kita rayain natal umat katolik, terus 31 dan 1 Jan libur tahun baru terus 2-5 yah tambahan libur karena tanggal 6 dan 7 kita rayain natal orthodox. Bentar lagi juga imlek, kita libur lagi dan gua sih tiap kali perayaan itu gua dekor rumah gw dan gw merayakan semuanya. Jadi gw gak ngerti kenapa lu gak ngerayain aja semuanya dan kenapa harus tahun baru islam doang yang lu rayain, yang sebenernya gak jadi tolak ukur apapun gitu, well, kita kan hidup berdasarkan kalender masehi, apa yang salah dg ngerayain itu?”

“Oke, kalian ngerayain semua tahun baru, tapi gua yakin kalian gak libur pas tahun baru islam kan? Kalian aja baru tahu kalender islam itu exist. Hmmm.” Kata gua.

“Iyaaaa, karena kami gak tau, coba jelaskan.” kata Ujang.

MAK EEEEE, gw diserang bertubi-tubi pemirsah. Gw gak tau lah ya, apa yang salah dengan penjelasan gua diawal sampe gw merasa ‘terserang’ begini, lalu gw diam, dan menyendok mie dll lalu minum dan mata mereka berdua ngeliatin gw menunggu jawaban dan you know what? Detik itu, gw LUPA, BISA, GUA LUPA nama tahun islam itu apa? Kemarin kita lebaran yang keberapa tahun? Asal mula tahun itu gimana? Esensinya apa? Gua gak tau, bongaknya gua, yang gak suka pelajaran sejarah apapun, yang sebenarnya gak peduli apapun inih, cuma suka belajar grammar doang yang rasanya pelajaran yang pernah gua nikmati dalam hidup dan sekarang, detik itu gw merasa--merana, cinca merana, apa gunanya lu ngomong puluhan bahasa saat lu gak punya ilmu untuk dibagikan, apalagi ilmu tentang agama lu sendiri, terutama dan teramat sekali untuk orang-orang seperti ini, yang cewek yang ‘pernah’ islam dan yang cowok yang 'mengikuti’ semua perayaan dan yes intinya mereka berdua sekarang gak beragama.

“Oke. Gua lupa nama tahun islam. Tunggu aku Google sejenak.”

Darn, saat gua liat Google, gw baru ingat, nama tahun baru islam itu Hijriah, ngikkkkkk, BISA GUA LUPAAAAA? Dan tahun kemarin 1440H yang artinya tahun 2019 1441 Hijriah.

Gua katakan kepada mereka, tapi mereka gak peduli namanya, mereka nanya, ESENSINYA, asal mula tahun itu apa? Latar belakagnya apa?

MAAAAAAK

Gua gak bisa google dan ‘belajar’ sejarah itu, gile, saat itu ‘live concert’ broh  wkkw

Yang ada diotak gua saat itu adalah Maulid Nabi, tapi otak dan hati gua gak terima, gua ragu, gua kepikiran Rasulullah hijrah, arrrrrhhhh intinya otak gw berantakan detik itu. Dan gw cuma bisa bilang.

“I’m not sure. Gua gak suka sejarah. Intinya, kalender islam itu adalah patokan kami untuk ramadhan, lebaran, dll.”

“Gw dengar tahun baru islam itu awalnya saat Muhammad hijrah bukan ya? Itu sih yang gw ingat dari memori ‘islam’ gua.” Kata si Sherina.

“Aku gak tau. Maybe yes, maybe no.” Sungguh terluka hati Berbi saat itu, menyadari gw gak yakin dengan jawaban dan penjelasan atas agama gua sendiri.

“Hmm.. kepo sih aku. Tapi yasudahlah.” Si Ujang bikin gua makin down.

“Terus ramadhan sama lebaran itu apa?” Nambah lagi kekepoan si Ujang.

“Ah, itu pas kita puasa sebulan terus lebaran kita merayakan ramadhan berakhir dan yah, kaya menyucikan diri gitu lebaran meeeh.” (Ini kalau lu liat live cara si Sherina yang ‘pernah’ islam ini ngomong itu dengan ‘meeeh’ yang mengeluh dan menurut gua kayak ‘whatever, gak masuk akal’. Terdengar seperti itu nada dan raut mukanya.

Dan gua pun gak bisa mengurangi atau menambah keterangan si Sherina ini. Kenapa kita puasa? Kenapa ada lebaran? Yang gua inget hanyalah kata-kata Pak Ngoh gw waktu gw remaja dulu, “Kita puasa supaya kita tahu rasanya jadi orang miskin, yang terbiasa gak makan dan minum, agar kita menghargai makanan dan minuman dan apapun yang kita punya, syukuri, dan berbagi. Untuk lebaran? Itu adalah hari untuk lebih berbagi, hari kita ngasih kesempatan yang sama, makanya ada zakat fitrah, dan dibayar terakhir sebelum sholat ID, agar orang-orang yang gak mampu bisa menikmati juga setidaknya makan ‘properly’. Ada Idul Adha, lagi-lagi kita berbagi, karena banyak orang diluar sana yang mikir 100 kali untuk makan daging, intinya bersyukur dan berbagi, dan diharapkan hal itu diamalkan di kehidupan sehari-hari.” (Of course Pak Ngoh gw gak ngomong segini panjang, itu long time ago, dalam Bahasa Kerinci dan bahasa remaja, dan it works, buktinya gw selalu inget ‘esensi’ itu sampe detik ini.

Tapi, of course, bukan itu yang gw jelaskan ke Ujang dan Sherina, karena bukan itu yang mereka mau. Mereka mau ‘science’, ilmu pengetahuan, sejarah, sesuatu yang concrete. Karena kalau gua bilang hanya untuk berbagi, mereka akan bilang, “Tiap hari lu juga bisa berbagi kalo lu mau.” jeng jeng

“Jadi apa esensi lebaran? Kalau natal kan jelas, itu hari lahir Jesus. Apakah lebaran hari lahir Muhammad?” Si Ujang masih aja menceracau.

Si Sherina diam, dan detik itu juga gua merasakan apa yang ‘pernah’ dirasakan si Sherina. Sedikit cerita kenapa dia ‘pernah’ islam adalah begini:

Dia lahir di sebuah negara islam, kayak 80-90% penduduknya islam, tepatnya kayak Indonesia atau negara islam lainnya, ‘lahir’ dalam keadaan islam. Keluarganya islam, teman-temannya islam, ada banyak mesjid, adzan dikumandangkan 5 kali sehari. Tapi di negara ini, gak banyak yang meramaikan mesjid, gak banyak yang baca al-Qur’an. Kebanyakan mereka tahu kalau mereka islam, tapi esensi islam bagi mereka bukan sholat tapi ‘gak makan babi dan gak minum alkohol’.

Dan itulah yang kebanyakan diikuti mereka, juga Sherina, sholat-sholat, gak yasudah, gak berjilbab, serah lu, lu tetap islam selagi lu gak makan babi atau minum alkohol.

Lantas dia kuliah disebuah negara yang terkenal dengan boyband nya. Disana dia ketemu banyak teman-teman liberal dan gak beragama dari berbagai negara dan juga dari Indonesia. Teman-teman kuliahnya yang orang Indonesia ini berjilbab panjang, ada yang pakai cadar, pakai kaos kaki, kebanyakan pakai gamis hitam, dsb. Waktu itu kami berdua jalan di Summer Garden, dan dia ceritain itu semua ke gua dan bilang, “Disitulah gua tahu, islam itu bukan cuma gak makan babi atau minum alkohol. Berjilbab itu wajib, sholat itu wajib, puasa itu wajib. Dan gua sadar, gua cuma islam KTP. Gua gak sholat, gw gak puasa, gw cuma gak makan babi dan minum alkohol, dan itu yang membuat gw tetap islam selama ini. Itu gak masuk diakal gua. Pas gw di negara ‘itu’ lah gw sadar, kalo agama itu gak penting, gua gak mau ‘ngakunya’ doang islam tapi sebenarnya deep inside gua sama sekali bukan! Dan yaudah, gua memutuskan gak punya agama setelah itu. Dan gua menikmati babi dan alkohol sampai detik ini.”

Dijalan itu gua terdiam, karena gw pun begitu, gw belum dan masih jauh dari islam yang sesungguhnya, tapi gua gak terima kalo gw harus memutuskan quit dari agama ini hanya karena gua gak menjalani semua perintah-Nya. Setelah beberapa lama diam, gua bilang ke dia:

“Gua pun gitu kok, kalo dibilang orang-orang dengan gamis dan jilbab panjang yang lu temui itu extreme, gak sih, itu yang sebenarnya diajarin islam, gitu sebenarnya cara berpakaian muslimah yang baik dan benar, yang diajarkan dalam Al-Qur’an. Gua tau itu, tapi liat deh, cara gua berpakaian dan berjilbab. Tapi itu bukan alasan gua untuk ‘pergi’ dari islam sih, ada cara lain kok, instead of leaving, seharusnya kita stay, belajar agama dengan lebih dalam dan ‘praktikkan’ dengan lebih baik lagi. Bukan pergi sih, gw pribadi kalau di posisi lu, gua pilih stay dan jadi lebih baik.”

Dijalan menuju Mall Galeria dari Summer Garden itu, kali ini, dia yang terdiam. Lalu kami berdua diam, lalu mulai ngomongin topik lain.

Dan malam tahun baru kemarin, feeling nya sama, di pertanyaan Ujang yang terakhir, “Esensi lebaran itu apa? Kelahiran Muhammad?”

Gua merasa denger itu samar-samar. Bahkan, detik ketika gua nulis ini, gua gak inget tepatnya tanggal berapa Rasulullah lahir. Dan pertanyaan itu mengambang, dan mereka pun ikut terdiam dalam diam gua, dan seolah bilang, ‘Lu islam gak sih?’

“Thanks for the food. Good night, Happy New Year in 30 minutes.”

Gua mengakhiri diam kami dengan ucapan itu, masuk kamar, dan merenungi banyak hal dalam gelap.

Malam itu gua hanya merenung, besoknya (kemarin, gua kerja) setelah gak bisa tidur karena berisik si kembang api sampe jam 3 pagi.

Pagi ini, bangun tidur, gua google semua pertanyaan yang ada diotak gua. Waktu gua bawa pulang dua bule Ukraina ke kampung gw, kita discussed juga bertiga, tapi tentang Indonesia, sama, gua gak tahu apa-apa dan gak peduli. Tapi malam itu gua cuma sadar betapa gua benci pelajaran sejarah, that’s all, besoknya bahkan sampai detik ini gua gak tertarik baca sejarah Indonesia. Dan malam tahun baru kemarin, gua gak peduli betapa gagalnya gua malam itu sebagai seorang muslim, sebagai perwakilan dari agama yang sedari lahir gua anut ini, lagi-lagi malam itu gua sadar, jika gua sedikittttt aja rajin ‘belajar’ terutama sejarah, dan setidaknya sejarah islam dan Indonesia, agama dan negara gua, mungkin gua bisa, setidaknya, menjelaskan ‘esensi’ dari agama dan negara gua. Betapa berharganya agama dan negara gua. Betapa bangga dan cintanya gua dengan agama dan negara gua. Tapi dari diskusi malam itu, yang gua liat hanyalah seorang Monica yang egois, pemalas, gak pedulian, dan bodo amat, setidaknya gua bangga dan percaya sama apa yang gua anut dan gua gak peduli orang lain mau ngerti atau gak dengan apa yang gua lakukan, apa yang gua sembah, apa yang gua cintai.

Tapi cuy, gua gak mau, jika kelak gua berada di tempat terendah dan ter-down gua dalam hidup, (like yang pernah Sherina rasakan), gua gak mau, gua ‘lari’ tanpa mengerti apa esensi dari hidup dan semua hal yang gua anut dan cintai dalam hidup. Orang bilang cinta itu buta, cinta gak butuh alasan, hari ini gua berani bilang itu bullshit. Cinta yang buta dan tanpa alasan itu gak exist, pasti ada sesuatu, sekecil apapun hal itu, yang membuat lu cinta atau percaya akan sesuatu. Semakin besar alasan, semakin ‘nyata’ cinta lu, semakin kokoh hati lu. Semakin gak beralasan, semakin absurd cinta lu, semakin buta, semakin gila dan rapuh hati lu dalam mencintai.

Dan hari ini untuk pertama kalinya, gua baca sejarah islam, bukan karena besok gua ada LCC Agama Islam kayak waktu di SMA dulu, atau karena ada ujian agama besok, hari ini, gua baca sejarah, dan yes, believe or not, gua nangis, ternyata begitu dalam dan ‘indah’ esensi dari setiap ajaran dan peringatan seperti lebaran yang selama ini kita rayakan. 

Jadi, tanggal kelahiran Nabi Muhammad SAW ada banyak versinya. Ada yang  bilang  8 Rabiul Awal, 10 Rabiul Awal, 12 Rabiul Awal, dan 17 Rabiul Awal. Namun, yang masyhur di kalangan  ulama adalah  12 Rabiul Awal. Itulah kenapa ada Maulid Nabi, yang juga pro kontra, ada yang merayakan ada yang gak. https://id.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muhammad coba baca ini deh.

Dan tahukah kalian asal usul Idul Fitri dan Idul Adha? Dari yang gua baca pagi ini, saat masa jahiliyah, orang-orang di Arab punya dua hari raya namanya Nairuz dan Mahrajan, saat hari raya itu mereka merayakannya dengan joget-joget dan minum-minum (kurang lebih seperti kehebohan kita ngerayain tahun baru). Lalu setelah turunnya kewajiban menunaikan ibadah puasa Ramadhan pada 2 Hijriyah, intinya Rasulullah menyampaikan kalau 2 hari raya itu diganti dengan 2 hari raya yang kita rayakan sampai sekarang, Idul Fitri dan Idul Adha.

Dan iya, gimana dengan sejarah tahun Hijriah? Iya, itu untuk mengenang hijrah Rasul dari Mekah ke Madinah, untuk mengenang betapa berat perjuangan Rasul dan umat islam saat itu dalam memperjuangkan islam, berdarah-darah, luar dalam, Rasul pun harus sampai hijrah. Namun itu menjadi titik balik penyebaran islam ke seluruh penjuru dunia! https://id.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tahun_Baru_Hijriyah and https://almanhaj.or.id/2563-hijrah-ke-madinah.html gua baca dua artikel itu sih nangis, dan sedih. THAT’S JUST BEAUTIFUL. Agama kita itu indah, pure dan penuh perjuangan, tapi tetap, gak melupakan cinta, cinta dan kepedulian pada sesama makhluk adalah BAB BESAR-nya.

Untuk mengakhiri tulisan panjang ini, gua cuma mau bilang, “Lu boleh malas, mau lebih males dari gua atau orang termalas di dunia pun silakan, tapi inget, jangan malas membumbui cinta yang udah lu punya dengan membaca. Jangan malas menambah kualitas lu dengan ilmu pengetahuan, terutama tentang agama dan negara lu. Lagi-lagi, don’t take it for granted, ‘gua islam dan gua orang Indonesia, terus ngapalah?’ Cuy, lu mau keluar negeri atau di kampung halaman aja dari lahir, tetep, lu perwakilan dari agama dan negara lu. DAN, lu adalah perwakilan untuk diri lu sendiri. Kadang ada banyak orang yang kepo tentang suatu hal, kekepoan dia itu bisa berakhir positif atau negatif, atau gak ada efeknya sama sekali--itu tergantung dari jawaban yang lu berikan. Dan tugas lu menuntut ilmu, ‘mengerti’ esensi ilmu itu, dan menyampaikannya. Setelah itu terserah orang yang nanya (ataupun gak nanya) yang berkutat dengan akal pikirannya sendiri. Ngerti kan maksud Berbi?

Belajar dari para bule ini, jadilah kritis, tapi tetep, jangan kritis tapi bongak, kalau lu belum nemu jawaban atau gak menemukan jawaban yang ‘tepat’ menurut lu  dari suatu hal, contohnya agama lu, bukan berarti lu harus ‘kabur’ dan menyerah, ‘udah ah, gak punya agama aja sekalian’. Seriously, ketika lu mikir aneh gitu, coba tanya deh sama dirilu, ‘jangan-jangan gua cuma pengen punya hidup yang lebih mudah?’

Sungguh-sungguh. Yeah, ditulis oleh Monica yang dari kemarin katanya ingin mencintai dengan sungguh-sungguh.

Bye, Beach~~~

[constructreese]

damn broh ....... you know when u see like a NEW post .... AND it’s funny ? thats what i call epic baby ...........

[souljournaler]

channeled message(s)

listening to some astral projection music with binaural beats and honestly it’s pretty tight

anyway here we go

holy SHIT their energy is so freakin close

like they have a portal open and are looking at me thru it

they have black and white face paint on that looks like kinda kabuki-ish, like it’s supposed to look perpetually like a frown but it’s just face paint to set tone

u dont scare me broh

ur look is actually kinda cute, not to be nice or anything

lol damn they seemed kinda surprised i saw them

oh im starting to get another channel

so when youre down there, make sure to clean up real nice so the faeries will come back to the corners, we want them to be in all the cracks because they protect us from the little pests we can’t see

you have to scrub the bricks where you walk a lot because your dust gathers in the tiny crevasses

mild soap is always better, clean a little every day and you will never work hard

be aware of when you want to start coming to the farm, sometimes things can come in with you when you dont want them to. sometimes theyre already in and you exacerbate them further

never work for someone who doesnt want to see you eat

dont disrespect a tree when it’s talking to you

the weather has the loudest voice and humans still dont listen

make concrete that’s supposed to have moss

your emotions recognize yourself in others. what is your relationship to your emotions?

the boar is tamed with kindness and comfort

where have you gone that makes you special? where have you been that makes you feel special? where is the place where you feel alone? how can you reverse the polarity?

break the message down into parts, general, active, specific? you cannot run while walking. the bones in your feet are connected to your spine. how do they feel touching the ground? when you walk? when you stand?

break free from the expectation. you only have what is, right now. when time comes, you can pursue the better thing. for now you have what you have, where you are.

if it is difficult to choose kindness, ask yourself what is kindness? how does kindness work? where does it come from, and what does it lead to? does the way i treat myself count as kind?

mend with fibers of similar texture for maximum last, plant & plant, animal & animal, plastic stop using for clothes you are too hot for that

who is the master of your mind? i hope it is you, but how would you know? who has taught you? who taught who taught you, and so on? who benefits from what you know & how you act? you must think longer-term than the next season, you are still connected to seven generations in each direction

some people dont understand what they see & feel even though they see & feel it. this society teaches people which parts of theirself to ignore because those are the parts that speak up loudly in opposition of the system. if the status quo is that “no one likes what theyre doing, they simply have to do it,” listen to the you that knows that is a lie, you dont have to do anything that makes u feel wrong.

ok i am tired im gonna do something else now, thanks for tuning in!