#like that to describe like completely normal and mundane conflicts in relationship

[doctorguilty]

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this tag SO REAL sobs

same genre as me posting this thing from twitter on my vent blog the other day

like! DEVOTION the word you're looking for is devotion !!!!!

[enneagramwingmiranda]

Parks and Recreation: The actual enneagram types of Leslie, Ron, Tom, April, Andy, Donna, Ben, Chris, and Jerry

The Protagonist: Leslie Knope [Type 3]

“I am big enough to admit that I am often inspired by myself.”

Enneagram Wing: 3w2 (Achiever along with a helper)

"I care. I care a lot. It's kinda my thing."

Core Fear: Being exposed as or thought incompetent, inefficient, or worthless; failing to be or appear successful

Core Desire: Having high status and respect, being admired, successful, and valuable

Leslie feels her purpose is to make the world a better place, specifically Pawnee, since this is the place she holds dear to her heart and is the most reachable for her. Her identity is defined by her work and her drive and passion are what allow her to continue to move up the latter. She takes rejection and set backs hard, however, she always gets back up and continues to move forward to reach her goals. Her influence shapes the hearts and minds of her coworkers. She inspires them to be better people and to find what they are meant to do in life and do it. Along with her go-getter attitude, she goes above and beyond for her friends (2) and they greatly appreciate her care and efforts. As for her childhood wound, she has described her mother as cold and withholding so we can only assume that she received praise and attention only from the achievements she made. Her mother also works in government and only respects those with an assertive and dominant presence. 

The Sensible Friend: Ann Perkins [Type 6]

“As Leslie’s maid of honor, I really need her bachelorette party to go well, which is why I’m stress eating gummy penises.”

Enneagram wing: 6w7 (Loyalist along with an enthusiast)

“I’m putting myself out there, meeting some new people, having some causal fun, and it’s awkward.”

Core Fear: Fearing fear itself, being without support, security, or guidance; being blamed, targeted, alone, or physically abandoned

Core Desire: Having security, guidance, and support

Ann is by far the most sensible character. She is the person everyone knows they can rely on. Andy unfortunately took advantage of this quality resulting in her becoming his caretaker rather than remaining an equal. Leslie appreciates her sensibility and this is what makes them such great friends. However, Leslie can trigger Ann’s already existing anxiety from her high expectations and good intentioned pushy behavior. Another side of the coin of is her fear of ending up alone. She is constantly dating and even settles a few times to avoid loneliness. It is when she takes the time to be single and soothes this fear that she and Chris end up together. Ann also has an adventurous streak. She likes to go out and have a good time. She just sometimes needs a little push from Chris, Leslie, or Donna.

The True Introvert: Ron Swanson [Type 5]

“That is a canvas sheet, the most versatile object known to man. It can be used to make tents, backpacks, shoes, stretchers, sails, tarpaulins, and I suppose, in the most dire of circumstances, it can be a surface on which to make art.”

Enneagram wing: 5w4|5w6 (Balanced)

“Don’t start chasing applause and acclaim. That way lies madness.”

Core Fear: Being annihilated, invaded, or not existing; being thought incapable or ignorant; having obligations placed upon you or your energy being completely depleted   

Core Desire: Being capable and competent 

Ron is an intellect, constantly going off on philosophical tangents about the corrupt ways of government, effective life hacks, and flawed human nature. He believes there is only one way to do things and his ways of going about things are very unique to himself (4). He is a non-conformist. He loves learning new things and adding to his craft. He is a breakfast and wood enthusiast. Ron is quite guarded and withdrawn from the world and prefers this. His childhood wound is that his mother was intrusive and over-controlling so we can assume he felt exposed and defenseless. This followed Ron in adulthood as he had many toxic relationships with women similar to her. Thus, Ron feels he is best served to live in isolation and fend for himself, as well as, rely on cerebral means rather than emotional means. Ron demonstrates his wing 6 with his desire to be safe and have security.

The Entrepreneur: Tom Haverford [Type 3]

“At the risk bragging, one of the things I’m best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man is me, smiling and taking partial credit. 

Enneagram wing: 3w4 (Achiever along with an individualist)

“‘Zerts’ are what I call desserts. ‘Trée-trées’ are entrées. I call sandwiches ‘sammies,’ ‘sandoozles,’ or ‘Adam Sandlers.’ Air conditioners are ‘cool blasterz’ with a ‘z’ — I don’t know where that came from. I call cakes ‘big ol’ cookies.’ I call noodles ‘long-ass rice.’ Fried chicken is ‘fry-fry chicky-chick.’ Chicken parm is ‘chicky-chicky-parm-parm.’ Chicken cacciatore? ‘Chicky-cacc.’ I call eggs ‘pre-birds,’ or ‘future birds.’ Root beer is ‘super water.’ Tortillas are ‘bean blankets.’ And I call forks ‘food rakes.’”

Core Fear: Being exposed as or thought incompetent, inefficient, or worthless; failing to be or appear successful

Core Desire: Having high status and respect, being admired, successful, and valuable

Tom measures his entire worth from his successes and failures. He is extremely creative and is constantly coming up with unique ideas to form a successful business. 

The Misanthrope: April Ludgate [Type 4]

“I wasn’t listening but I strongly disagree.”

Enneagram wing: 4w5 (Individualist along with investigator)

“If you ever speak me to me in Spanish please use the formal “usted”.

Core Fear: Being inadequate, emotionally cut off, plain, mundane, defective, flawed, or insignificant

Core Desire: Being unique, special, and authentic

April portrays major apathy but it’s clearly done to hide her genuine care and insecurity. She wants to be unique and special, thus overdoing it with her quirky, odd, eccentric, nonconformist talk and lifestyle. Her speech and way of behaving is an oxymoron. She deep down wants what everyone else wants: real love, real friendship, and a successful career. As she grows up and matures, she moves further away from her exaggerated dark persona to a normal expressive, mature adult. However, she adds in whatever she needs to to maintain her individuality. April also values cerebral pursuits shown in her getting accepted to an exceptional veterinary school. Her wing 5 is what helps her identify with so much with Ron.

The Charming Goofball: Andy Dwyer [Type 9]

“It’s fine. It’s just that life is pointless and nothing matters and I’m always tired.”

Enneagram wing: 9w8 (Peacemaker along with the challenger)

“I’m not crying. I’m just allergic to jerks!”

Core Fear: Being in conflict, tension, or discord; feeling shut out and overlooked; losing connection and relationship with others 

Core Desire: Having inner stability and peace of mind

The epitome of Andy’s character is his easy-going nature. He is also very caring and thoughtful. He rarely ever voices if anything is bothering him and we see him go through great lengths to end any conflict between he and April. He attempts to make things right with Ann after their break up but doesn’t succeed. Andy possess a child-like mindset and view of the world and this is what seems to serve as a coping skill for the trials and tribulations of life. This also makes him endearing and what makes him perfect for April as she holds a similar mentality. 

The Nerd: Ben Wyatt [Type 1]

“I don’t even have time to tell you how wrong you are. Actually, it’s going to bug me if I don’t.”

Enneagram wing: 1w9 (Reformer along with peacemaker)

“Stick to the list and you’ll do great. I have total faith in you... (there’s like a 30% chance they’ll both die.)”

Core Fear: Being wrong, bad, evil, inappropriate, unredeemable, or corruptible

Core Desire: Having integrity, being good, balanced, accurate, virtuous, and right 

Ben is straightforward and willing to tell the truth, even if it could offend someone. He likes things to be in order. He often feels like the odd one out in the parks department because he values principles and professionalism while his colleagues behave inappropriately. He admires Leslie for her quirky professionalism. Ben also desires a peaceful environment and will keep quiet about things bothering him resulting in passive aggressive behavior.

The Optimist: Chris Traeger [Type 7]

“The world is my gymnasium, Ron.”

Enneagram wing: 7w6 (Enthusiast along with loyalist)

“I am 100% certain that I am 0% sure of what I’m going to do.”

Core Fear: Being deprived, trapped in emotional pain, limited, or bored; missing out on something fun

Core Desire: Being happy, fully satisfied, and content

Chris is extremely positive all the time to cover up his true inner turmoil. He had a tough childhood and coped with the trauma by avoiding the negative emotions and putting his focus on his health. Thus he became a health nut. In the field of clinical psychology, he would most likely be diagnosed with orthorexia. Chris has a lot of anxiety about life and desires to feel a sense of safety in his life and relationships, thus making him fall into the wing 6. He desires the guidance and support from others (he started seeing a counselor 5 times a week during his depressive episode). 

The Minx: Donna Meagle [Type 8]

“You better watch yourself.”

Enneagram wing: 8w7 (Challenger along with enthusiast)

“Treat yourself.”

Core Fear: Being weak, powerless, harmed, controlled, vulnerable, manipulated, and left at the mercy of injustice

Core Desire: Protecting yourself and those in your inner circle

Donna is the epitome of “an independent black woman who don’t need no man.” She essentially dos onto others what she fears they will do onto her.  Thus, she manipulates and abuses vulnerable men to get what she wants and then leaves them. We can assume that something happened in her childhood that resulted in this relationship pattern. She discusses her grandma dying while having a threesome so this behavior was certainly model for her. She falls on the 7 wing for her enjoyment of life's greatest pleasures. 

The Target: Jerry Gergich [Type 9]

“So I go by Terry now. They already had a Larry in the Parks department, and they suggested that they change my name to Terry. I told them my real name was Garry, and they said ‘who cares?’ What a fun bunch of guys.”

Enneagram wing: 9w1 (Peacemaker along with reformer)

“Well, you know it's like I always say 'it ain't government work if you don't have to do it twice.”

Core Fear: Being in conflict, tension, or discord; feeling shut out and overlooked; losing connection and relationship with others

Core Desire: Having inner stability and peace of mind 

Jerry is clearly a peacemaker in that he keeps his mouth shut despite his constant abuse from his colleagues at the parks department. He identifies with Andy in that Tom was trying to dub him as the new office target due to his similar easygoing nature and clumsiness. He shows that he is a wing 1 in his values of goodness and morality.

[villainever]

God, We're All Tired: Female Conflict in Killing Eve's Season One Finale

So I'm sure 1x08 has been analysed to death, but seeing as we're winding up to the end of Killing Eve's second season (sad face), I thought I'd jump in with a completely unsolicited reflection on the ultimate culmination of Villanelle and Eve's mutual obsession and pursuit. I'll kick off by saying that from the start, we knew this moment would be interesting, for a whole slew of reasons: Firstly, from the get-go, we were shown that Killing Eve was here to subvert and reconstruct; it's deeply oriented within its genre, but it's irreverent, and even what I would describe as a reclamation of spy-fi. Specifically, it's a female-led narrative taking ownership of a set of texts and tropes that have consistently objectified and excluded women by turns. From its inception, the psychological thriller genre has delighted in a) withholding women's agency, and killing/torturing/assaulting them, both to shock viewers and to lend pathos to the motivations of male characters, and b) revelling in their "expiration" from sexual desirability, and casting the "ailing crone" as the villain orchestrating events. Killing Eve has absolutely no interest in ever reducing its women to their component parts. There are no pedestals, and there are no pitchforks. As a show, it hits all the golden points of suspense television, and completely reimagines the rest; it's a masterpiece balacing act of keeping the classic cat-and-mouse recogniseable, while allowing Eve and Villanelle to each be both the predator and the prey.

Secondly, our two protagonists are women. Highly unusual and exceptional women -- that's inarguable -- but nevertheless, they've been socialised in particular ways. What's so fascinating here is that both have been injected with a comfort in and enjoyment of theatrical violence that's usually reserved for male villains. However, even at their most ruthless, there's an innate intimacy to both of them -- unlike, say, for example, the Joker, Villanelle's flamboyance and love affair with destruction never manifest as mass-killings or the eradication of infrastructure (like blowing up a hospital). Villanelle exacts each murder with the creativity of the truly engaged and passionate, but it's always personal and unique, usually one-on-one. She doesn't have a vendetta against the world, either; she finds beauty in it -- in ice-cream and movies and nice architecture or fun clothes. Similarly, Eve is enthralled by Villanelle's flair for the deadly and the dramatic, but it's not born out of a spite for humanity, but a sense of artistry and a consuming need for some adrenaline in her otherwise numb and mundane life. These complexities muddle their emotions and motivations, and make it difficult for even the most television-literate to semi-accurately predict their storylines.

Thirdly, Eve and Villanelle are never positioned as diametrically opposed. This in itself is not exactly out of the left field -- a lot of media with a dark focal point or mature subjects introduce heroes and villains who share key traits (e.g. Sherlock and Irene, in CBS's Elementary), or even comparable goals (e.g. Black Panther's Killmonger and Nadia both want to open Wakanda's borders). In most cases, though, the antagonist will represent some kind of seduction to the 'other side', that the protagonist inevitably resists the allure of (e.g. Andy realising Miranda isn't who she wants to grow up to be -- successful but alienated -- and goes back to her excuse of a boyfriend in TDWP). But while Eve and Villanelle are very much established as one another's temptations, we also see that they'll grant the other access to a part of the world that is, for now, barred from them: Villanelle and Eve will stop each other from being bored. They "resist the allure" not because they fear moral wrongdoing, but because they cling to their respective images of themselves -- Eve, as someone "nice and normal", who happens to have a grey area for a hobby, and Villanelle, as someone independent, in control, with no lines she wouldn't cross. Way back in the pilot, we're shown that they don't actually WANT to destroy each other. Villanelle is too interesting to Eve, Eve is too attractive to Villanelle. Yes, they pose a significant threat to their respective lifestyles, but as we've had proven, they're becoming willing to risk that if it means gaining something more. They don't reflect a sinister alternative timeline of "look what you could've been" (which is inherently hero-centric, and Killing Eve pays as much attention to Villanelle as Eve), they offer each other a "look what you could still be", that is at once dark and hopeful -- something that they've really elaborated on in this second season. But 1x08, even though it is very much the symbolic collision that is the centrepiece of all chase stories, is not their first meeting. Villanelle goes to Eve's house in the (iconic) 1x05. So why not save that for the finale? Why not build and build and have that tension released right at the end? Because, crucially, 1x05 generated more tension. The show's writing is so substantial that it doesn't worry about losing its audience after the moment they've been waiting for happens. It's one of the reasons you could have the entire plot of Killing Eve spoiled, and then still enjoy every episode when you watch it yourself: it's the How that we love as much as the What. Killing Eve takes the time and space to revel in its style, characters, and setting -- but that's another essay. In 1x05, their meeting is high-octane, and crucially, it's brief. We get a snapshot of how their infatuation and fixation translates into chemistry. And they both become real to one another. Eve's last reservations begin to fade as she realises that she can survive an encounter with Villanelle, and her sense of self -- most importantly, the subconscious idea that she's somehow special -- is vindicated (Eve's slight narcissism, and how the show makes it compelling and intoxicating, is yet another thing I could go on about). For Villanelle, Eve is allowed to be more than just great hair and a worthy threat. She's someone challenging and entertaining. What's so incredible about that first meeting is that it's proof that this dynamic isn't running on mystery and fumes. It's sustainable. They continue to appeal to one another once they're in the same room together. They appeal even more. Their sexual tension skyrockets, and the whole dance becomes extremely personal. They can't write one another off as playthings, although they largely continue to attempt that, at least for a short while. With this in mind, let's move on to that finale. Not only is Eve trashing Villanelle's apartment hilarious, and a perfect articulation of the humour/danger cantilever that makes Killing Eve awesome, but it provides a critical catharsis for the audience before the actual confrontation. By this point, the price for Eve's obsession is starting to rack up -- her job is circling the drain, Niko's dodging her calls, her self-image is blurring. Eve has a whole lot of feelings, but she's allowed to express them on her own, symbolically taking them out on Villanelle by ruining her things, which become a vehicle for venting her frustrations without actually affecting their relationship. When Villanelle does arrive, Eve's ready. This scene would've worked if it was some sexy wall-leaning, banter, and Eve surprise-stabbing Villanelle in the middle of a conversation. I think that's probably how a lot of screenwriters today would've done it, scrawling it off by rote and relying on Villaneve's chemistry and Comer and Oh's excellent acting to nail the bit. Instead, we get this civil conversation, and then they lie down together, first relaxing, and then gravitating towards one another. I don't believe that Eve knew until the millisecond she decided to do it that she would actually try and stab Villanelle. I actually gave this mini-essay a title, and it's "female conflict". That's because I think that this entire sequence wouldn't have happened in a show created by men, or featuring male characters. In violent shows, we get violent conflict. Killing Eve is unquestionably a violent show, but it's distinct from its contemporaries in that the characters aren't there to prop up the violence; the violence is there to reveal and develop the characters. But after a whole season of elaborate murder and tyre-squealing pursuit, we get this stillness. Yet, it doesn't feel for even a beat like bathos. It's absolutely a climax, and it's both suspenseful and arresting. It really illustrates that the show is about fascination: they're hungry to know everything, like Eve says. There's no performative combat. We can't guess what's going to happen because neither can they. Their obsession isn't a "this town ain’t big enough for the both of us" situation. It's a "this town is only the both of us". Their worlds are reduced to each other and they don't want to squander it with fighting, because fundamentally, Eve and Villanelle are so much more similar than they are different. Again, I say this is so fitting for female characters because they see this co-existence as an option. It's so simple, but the idea of your protagonist and antagonist sighing, "Fuck, can't we just have a lie down after all this?" and making it satisfying is incredibly radical. Because it's so personal, and intimate, and human. At every interval, the writing asks, What would we actually do at this moment? Not, What precedent has popular culture set for this moment? Too often, I think we give characters responses that we've seen before in texts, because we watched/read it, accepted it, and just filed it into our own work, knowing it's what the audience expects. But this scene with Eve and Villanelle is so heart-wrenchingly in-character. It's two people charging at each other full speed, not to hit each other but to be close to one another. And like so many other tiny beats over the course of the season, Killing Eve luxuriates in this proximity. We get to breathe. It's gentle. It's a gentle pause between two people who could utterly eradicate one another, but choose not to. It's ladden as well with such a specific but familiar kind of exhaustion, and it's an act of defiance, too. Killing Eve rejects the hegemonic (and predominantly masculine) cultural assertion that conflict (or even sometimes, in the less typical texts, debate and negotiation) is the way to resolve difference, and indeed, that difference must be resolved. That one must overpower the other. That your enemy is an alien and cannot be connected with, related to. The fact is, a lot of even this first season isn't spent chasing, it's spent running. Eve and Villanelle take an interest in each other early on, and it quickly escalates from intellectual to sexual to emotional (insofar as either of them are capable of that). By 1x05, they've caught up to each other. The rest of the time, though, they're fleeing from how much they want each other, how alike they might be. And in Villanelle's Paris apartment, they concede: I love you more than I hate you. I need you more than I should. And it's with that concession that we as an audience can experience their relaxation, too. It's what we've -- consciously or not -- been waiting for. That acknowledgement. But Margot, you say, you've been talking about how this isn't about violence -- have your forgotten that Eve STABS Villanelle, literally three seconds after this? I have not, The Only Follower Who Read This Far. So why engineer all this, and then have Eve knife Villanelle straight in the gut? Because even though they have this liminal second together, their story isn't resolved. Killing Eve goes absolutely wild with power dynamics, and I could discuss that for hours, too -- Eve is older, but Villanelle is more experienced; Eve is more stable, but Villanelle is more adaptable, etc. But generally speaking -- partially because Eve is, at the beginning, something of an audience surrogate -- the scales are in Villanelle's favour. She's dangerous, clever, has no fear of legal consequences, and has more freedom and greater resources. Killing Eve is allergic to any pedestrian predictability, so it shakes up this arrangement. In stabbing Villanelle, Eve proves to both of them what she's capable of. Prior to this, they had an impression of their similarities, but this throws into sharp relief exactly how deep those run. Eve immediately regrets the stabbing, because it wasn't about getting rid of Villanelle. She doesn't want to hurt her so much as show her that Eve has power too, has recklessness too, can keep up. This interaction isn't the product of an inability to relate, but a desperation to connect. This joins them together, affirms their relationship. Eve isn't trying to dominate her, to win, not really. She's telling Villanelle what she's capable of, and equating them. We get this confirmed in how Villanelle perceives in the stab wound as a symbol of affection (2x02, 2x05), and how Eve says she continues to think about it constantly (2x05). I believe that while Villanelle always respected Eve, if Eve hadn't stabbed her, Villanelle would've remained confident that she, quietly, had the upper hand. That if ever need be, she could be more cunning and cruel and decisive than Eve. But Eve's put them in the same ring, and also removed one major wall between them -- Villanelle's murderous side is a key part of her character, and after this, she knows that Eve isn't intruiged by her despite this, but because of it, and because it’s at least partially common ground. Eve isn't Anna (another comparison I could go off on a tangent about, but I'll spare you). In sum, I think that the season one finale was beautifully rendered, and reflected Killing Eve's appreciation of itself. It let the characters interact genuinely, it refreshed their dynamic, and allowed them development separately (Eve's new understanding of her own capacity for harm; Villanelle's new experience with vulnerability, and not being able to predict others) and together (intertwining them irrevocably, further aligning them). It's one of those rare scenes where it's completely surprising at the time of viewing, but in hindsight, seems inevitable, and you can't imagine it any different. I can't make any predictions for the season two final episode other than I expect something equally unexpected, something just as loyal to the characters and their relationship, and their capacity to embrace and antagonise each other. This essay is probably borderline incoherent. It really got away from me. I set a timer for half an hour and told myself that whatever I got written in that time, I'd post. Thanks so much for your kind comments on my rant yesterday, and I hope this is at least vaguely what you were looking for, @ the people who said they'd read another. You're my favs. If you've got something else Killing Eve-related you'd like me to yell about, let me know! Or if you want to come chat, I promise I'm friendly! I’m using the tag “#villainever writes” for this rambly stuff atm, so if I ever write another of these I’ll have a digital drawer to put it in hahah

[kabaitan]

be somebody.

Be Somebody: A Brief Review of Existential Concepts in MP100 dedicated to the loveliest claude, for indulging me.

Cautionary Note: I took one (1) course in existential psychotherapy in grad school and this is probably just a fever dream I’ve been dying to write since I started MP100 so take what you will from this. I am by no means a crazy expert on existentialism and this is all 1000% self-indulgent.  Moreover, I am obviously not ONE-sensei and therefore this is just acts as a personal and theoretical comparative interpretation of certain plot directions.

I.  The Human Condition of Despair One of the major tenants of existentialism, proposed by Soren Kierkegaard, is that humans are always in a state of despair.  Not all people are aware of this state; some people go their entire lives being in what Kierkegaard considers the lowest level of awareness in regards to despair while others become aware of their suffering at some level.  Often times, to escape suffering, people busy themselves with earthly things or minor issues.  In the end, these attempts to avoid suffering and despair are typically futile and are only temporary.

In his mid 20s, Reigen is working an office job, typical for people at his age.  More often than not, there is a norm or niche job posed by certain cultures or societies – in this case, the salaryman/OL.  For people in that society to escape personal suffering and despair, they fall safely into society’s cookie-cutter expectation while unknowingly renouncing their agency and freedom to choose (another major concept considered in existential theory).  Reigen does this for a while and it appears that his office peers are unaware of their states of personal suffering and continue life as is.  

In time, Reigen becomes aware of how his routine is unfulfilling.  This does not mean that Reigen (of all people) is at the highest plane of awareness – there are a few more levels, but he is a bit more self aware than others.  Becoming aware that the facade of happiness he gained by leading a mundane lifestyle is just that, Reigen makes an impulsive decision to quit his job.  

II.  The Duality of Man During Reigen’s quarterlife crisis, he finds himself in a state of confusion.  In this state, he appears to not know where to proceed after quitting his job.  He impulsively rents out a space to do something, but it is not clear what it is at the time of purchase.  Unlike every rational young adult with the world at their fingertips, Reigen chooses to make his new living out of one of the most outrageously outrageous careers possible.  

Reigen may have chosen a stupid goal like becoming a psychic as a huge finger to The Man and Society for wasting a portion of his career as a salaryman or he was just running out of options… Either way, choosing a path that opens one to obvious ridicule may be compared to the plight of many protagonists in works of literature which illustrate the duality of man.  In particular, Fyodor Dostoyevsky’s novella Notes from Underground presents a character dubbed the Underground Man, a painfully honest, troubled, and bitter retiree in nineteenth-century Russia who is highly skeptical of "normal" people who blindly follow societal ideals without question.  As the novella progresses, the Underground Man expresses his raw human existence through angry outbursts and frantic attempts to be accepted by those around him, leading him to either be rejected or humiliated.  

In Reigen’s case, he is certainly not foolish enough to think that being a psychic would be a widely accepted career goal, and yet, he continued to proceed with it anyway.  While we see the rationale for his underlying motives (which will be touched on later), one can see his actions as a representation of freedom from societal expectation.  In Notes from Underground, the Underground Man knowingly acts horribly to people and completely out of the ordinary, but does so simply because he wants to show is free to do so.  Reigen quit his job and could have easily selected a more secure career path, but chose something he saw at the back of a magazine.  Each day as a psychic probably left Reigen open to obvious critique by family and even his own clients, but he could at least say he chose to be in that position, instead of being in a state of equilibrium that was imposed on him by society.  While playing fast and loose with your early adult career is not a wise decision, Reigen felt satisfied – at least at first – by acting like a complete fool in his new business, because he had chosen that lifestyle for himself.  

III.  Man’s Search for Himself Not only could opening Spirits and Such be considered an initial proclamation of freedom, but it may also serve as a challenge to the existential vacuum.  Psychiatrist Viktor Frankl discussed what he called the “existential vacuum,” which leads people to become bored with their lives as they are ultimately unfulfilling and empty.  Frankl described the existential vacuum as a product of modern society, stating that technically speaking, nothing and nobody tells a person what they must do or should do, leading people to either do what others do or what others want us to do.  Essentially, we are ultimately free beings to choose our path, but instead of honing that freedom, people just copy what others do because they gradually come to believe it is correct or good, or simply wait for someone to tell them what to do with their lives.  Reigen’s peers, like almost all people, took a backseat in life and let society dictate what they would become.  When Reigen becomes aware that he too gave up his freedom to choose his future, he attempts to shake himself out of his boredom and chooses to make a change.

While Reigen initially enjoyed his freedom at his new job, he eventually slips back into another existential vacuum in the form of working odd jobs at the agency.  He soon realizes that being a “psychic” while not actually being psychic isn’t as fulfilling as he might have originally anticipated, and Reigen begins to reconsider his life decisions again.  

Regarding existential frustration, Frankl theorized that in order to surpass boredom from life, one must move toward what he described as the “self-transcendence of human existence”.  In this, one must look outside the self, and it is outside the self that one will then find a meaning to their life: 

Being human always points, and is directed, to something, or someone, other than oneself – be it a meaning to fulfill or another human being to encounter.  

Frankl outlined three ways that human beings can find meaning in their lives and move toward self-transcendence: 1) by creating a work or doing a deed, 2) by experiencing something or encountering someone, and 3) by the attitude we take towards unavoidable suffering.  (Making art or loving someone are general examples of points one and two.)

Just as Reigen readies himself for another life change, Mob enters his life.  Intentional or not, Reigen accepts Mob as any other client and provides him half-baked advice.  However, something about the response he receives from Mob becomes a trigger to continue the business he was close to ending out of boredom and dissatisfaction.  While on one hand, it can be interpreted that Reigen really only chose to continue his shady business because he happened upon a real-deal esper.  On the other hand, later events reference that Reigen’s actions are driven in part by a desire to help Mob mature, as he had said he would.  In many ways, Reigen was able to ascribe a meaning to his life through his meeting with Mob, and declaring himself the person who would help him grow.  

The separation arc provides necessary conflict in order to draw attention to these intentions.  Reigen allowed selfish desire for personal gain to push Mob away, even if Mob is one of few reasons he became successful at all.  At the start of their separation, Reigen appeared to be moving on well without Mob; his business thriving just as long as he could bullshit his way out in the way he always did.  Despite the fact that his business is thriving, Reigen continues to work yet remains unsatisfied.  It becomes obvious before, during, and definitely after Reigen’s fall from grace and during the press conference that he fucked up.  While at one point Reigen felt he had actually become somebody important, that was the same point that he realized that he had become somebody he did not want to be.  Reigen flew too closely to the sun and forgot why he still did what he does.  In mentoring Mob – as dysfunctional as that relationship was/is – was where Reigen found meaning to trudge on with his existence.  It is once he turned his focus away from Mob and back unto himself that he essentially lost what gave meaning to his life.  It doesn’t seem like a long shot to consider that Reigen himself becomes aware that he lost sight of what was important as he sends a cryptic message to Mob at the end of the conference.  As the two come together to reconcile and let out the elephant in the room, Reigen refocuses his attention and subsequently regains his sense of meaning.

Referenced Readings + Extended Material:

Soren Kierkegaard, The Sickness Unto Death (1849)

Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Notes from Underground (1864)

Jean Paul Sartre, Nausea (1938)

Hermann Hesse, Steppenwolf (1927)

Viktor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning (1946)

Rollo May, Man’s Search for Himself (1953)

[northamptoncouplestherapy]

Tips for Marriage Longevity in Your Golden Years

Belgian psychotherapist Esther Perel once said, "None of us are married to just one person in our lives, even if we only marry one person." For those who have been married 40 years and beyond, this saying undoubtedly rings true. As partners change and grow, good marriages evolve.

We live in a culture that is richly informed by romantic concepts. However, the truth is that marriage is hard for even the most committed partners. We increasingly rely on our spouses to play a vast number of roles in our lives: friend, lover, co-parent and financial partner.

Playing all these roles is a lot to navigate and virtually guarantees that you will not only hit bumps but also some craters along the way. When two people with separate histories come together, there will be periods where the best thing you can hope for is to find a way to coexist and a maintain a neutral stance towards one and other.

However, over time and with work, you and your spouse can grow together and even thrive. Science and relationship studies provide critical features of the roadmap that points to long-term success.

In the name of science and in honor of all those marriages that have surpassed the 40-year-mark and beyond, here are five tips for lasting success so that you can enjoy the different phases of evolution together. It is never too early to make use of them, even if you have just started your relationship’s journey.

1. Avoid The Comparison Level Alternatives Phenomenon

John Gottman, a recognized leader in the field of marital distress, first coined the phrase “comparison level alternatives” to describe the pattern in which we compare our life circumstances with an alternative, imagined scenario in the outside world.

For example, it’s quite normal to ask yourself questions like, “Am I happy in my career, or would I enjoy following a different path?” or “Am I really made for a life in the suburbs?” or“Should I consider a move to the city?”

When a marriage starts going on the rocks, however, you or your spouse might entertain more damaging comparisons or even enter into a marriage crisis.

You might say to yourself, "If I was married to so and so I’d be happier," or "If I had picked a different person, my life would be less lonely,” or, "Maybe if I were alone, my life would be better."

Research shows that comparison level alternatives are dangerous and potentially devastating to a marriage. They often manifest themselves in absorption of fantasies of freedom or can lead to emotional and physical affairs. Avoid this insidious line of thinking at all costs.

When things get hard, try saying to yourself, “Part of being in a relationship is navigating troubled times, and I could be just as unhappy in another relationship. It might look different, but there would be difficulty and conflict all the same.” More simply, you could remind yourself of the truism “out of the frying pan, into the fire.”

Instead of entertaining fantasies about some alternative life that doesn’t exist, choose your primary partner; committing to them in every way repeatedly. Spiritually. Emotionally. Mentally. Choose your spouse, again and again.

2. Adopt a Commitment Mindset

Committed spouses lean more towards realism than romanticism during challenging phases, and maintain an awareness that their needs will go unmet a certain percentage of time in the relationship. When asked for the secret behind her successful marriage to George Harrison, Olivia Harrison said, “It’s simple. Just don’t get divorced.”

A successful long-term marriage requires a bit of abandon. You must give up the notion that your spouse will make you feel completely satisfied all of the time. Refuse to view your role in the relationship as contingent on how your spouse makes you feel.

This is a type of mindset that manifests itself — not in a declaration of wedding vows — but in the way you show up for your spouse in the everyday, often mundane areas of life. There is something about an unwavering commitment that makes all other burdens easier to bear, and obstacles easier to surmount.

If you do allow your commitment to waver, on the other hand, you are more prone to abandoning the relationship when it goes through a period of not meeting your needs. Whether you do this physically, mentally or emotionally, you stop showing up in any meaningful way.

Instead, you start searching for the proverbial “Exit” sign.

3. Build Your Relationship “Love Map” (& Continuously Redraw the Lines)

There is immense value in teaching your partner who you are and what makes you feel loved in return.

As humans, we can’t read one another’s minds. However, it’s vital to know what works for both of you and to act on that knowledge repeatedly. Otherwise, you can be building a self-centered marriage, instead of a functional relationship.

The philosophy of love languages--that your partner feels loved in particular ways and you should find those ways--goes part of the distance. But when they don’t see your specific love language and don’t speak it to you, a generosity of spirit can go just as far. Giving your partner the benefit of the doubt is an important stance when they may be too distracted to love you in the way you want.

During the first 3-5 years of a marriage, you are just developing this understanding and building your love maps — a concept originally developed by John Gottman to describe the process of getting to know your partner’s world intimately.

Ask yourself, what’s happening in your spouse’s world? What’s important to them? What makes their heart sing and/or sink? What romantic gestures do they long for, and how often do you satisfy those longings?

These love map questions are not answered once and for all. Partners headed for a golden anniversary will continue to ask them, revising their maps as they go, adding nuance at every opportunity. A successful relationship is partly based on continued attention.

4. Avoid Turning to “Thirds” to Avoid Conflict

While we all need to talk about our problems from time to time, it’s important to be selective in what you say, to whom and how often.

In the world of couples therapy, involving others in your marital problems is what we call turning to “thirds.” It’s when you choose to talk to another about your relationship woes instead of your significant other.

Why is this an issue?

Well, for starters, it creates an immediate ripple effect. All of a sudden, you may have a one-sided jury of people who are rooting for you and will take your side no matter what (even if they shouldn’t). Your “jury” is hearing only one perspective of the issue and may align with you on partial evidence. They are likely to give you a level of confidence in the validity of your view that maybe you shouldn’t have.

Another dangerous aspect of turning to “thirds” is the clear conflict avoidance it displays. Whether from a lack of trust or one’s family of origin, some people are just more conflict-averse than others. However, avoidance never solves the most profound problems in a marriage and may exacerbate the issues.

Bringing your complaints to friends and family on a regular basis, no matter how well-intentioned they may be, can poison the well.

5. Support Your Partner in the Hard Times

Couples who have been married for decades have experienced many seasons of life together: births, graduations, deaths of family members, career moves and financial highs and lows.

With everything life can throw your way, it’s important to have someone by your side to hold your hand and share in the ups and downs.

Caring for yourself includes caring for your partner, knowing that their health and well being supports your own. However, if you have a partner who has not cared for you well, (or even become more of a burden than a benefit), your trust in them may wane. Once the retirement years approach or age starts to take its toll, the stakes for marriage become even higher.

You don’t want to wind up wondering, "Wow, for the next 10, 15 or 20 years, I could be physically compromised. How well is my spouse going to support me through this time?”

The patterns of support you have experienced throughout your marriage will inform how you answer that question. Was your spouse there for you when you had a C-section or your shoulder operation? Were they there for you when you were laid-off from your job or lost your father unexpectedly?

If you have felt abandoned or neglected throughout your marriage, you will have an appreciable amount of trepidation concerning how much support you will receive as you age. And the same may go for your spouse.

One or both of you might be more inclined to say, “Life is short, and I have less of it left. I want to make the next 10 years count.”

This is especially true for if one spouse has worn the hat of caretaker throughout your marriage. They will likely experience burnout. So, if one or both of you are diagnosed with a chronic illness, it just might be the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.

In old age, things don’t necessarily become easier. So, pay attention to how you support your spouse now and make every effort to acknowledge the ways you might have missed the mark in the past. This is a step to doing it better in the future.

A marriage that lasts decades requires a committed mindset. It asks each spouse to give equal regard to the others’ thoughts, opinions, and values. And, as you age, it will necessitate even deeper levels of trust and support.

If you and your spouse need a little help adapting to this new stage of your marriage or want to find new ways to approach conflict, our couples therapists have over 100 collective years of experience treating couples and spouses.

From the Gottman Method to Emotionally Focused Therapy, we apply science-based methodologies to our marriage therapy.

We offer weekly therapy and private, intensive 2-Day and 3-Day couples retreats as well as new extended hours and a growing team of couples therapists to meet increasing demand for expert, research-based couples therapy.

[shemakesmusic-uk]

Everyone needs to have Maja Kristina on their radar immediately. She is an incredible artist that is straight out of our pop dreams. Her whole self-titled EP is absolute perfection. Maja has released the song ‘Jessica’ off her EP as a single, and she couldn’t have made a better pick. ‘Jessica’ is a new take on a breakup song that we hope to see much more of. It’s written with the mindset that the person that cheated is at fault, not the person they cheated with. That is the mindset everyone needs to have! Maja sings, “Cause she seems really nice, and I think in the end, Me and Jessica could be friends.” We love to see women lifting up other women, instead of adding to the teardown. It’s a breath of fresh air. Normalize shaming cheaters, but not other manipulated women. [via The Honey Pop]

Lucia & The Best Boys have shared a new video for ‘Forever Forget’. It’s a cut from the band’s recent EP The State Of Things, it arrives alongside the news that their upcoming support tour with Dream Wife has moved back to 2022. Speaking about the video, director Rianne White says: “'Forever Forget' is a landscape of a feeling. Lucia and I wanted to create a piece of choreography that exists in a solo otherworldly space shaken up by an unsettling sensation of feeling trapped. Guarded by multiple camera perspectives, this movement sequence is shattered like a mirror into pieces and dominated by a blinding sensation of overwhelm, refracting the internal electricity of the brain into view. This video is a portrait of inner turbulence, liberated by Lucia’s untamed and magnetic expression of self. Frontwoman Lucia Fairfull adds: “The 'Forever Forget' video concept has kept completely true to the meaning of the song, 'Baby you've taken me to higher places. It hurts if it's just in my head', is the first lyrics of the chorus. The video portrays this with an other-worldly head trapped space, along with the choreography expressing a state of wanting to escape your own mind and thoughts. The lyrics throughout speak directly about wishing you still had what you once did, but having to face the reality that it is no more, and then trying to erase the memories from your head and move on. Making videos has always been one of my favourite parts about being an artist and over the last year I’ve really detached myself from the idea that I need to be perceived in a certain way and have enjoyed being more adventurous with Visuals. I have imagery almost as soon as I’ve written a song so bringing it to life, and creating different characters to go with them is something I really feel helps to get across what I'm saying. I couldn't have brought these ideas to life ('Perfectly Untrue' & 'Forever Forget') without Rianne and Furmaan, and can’t wait to make more with them.” [via Dork]

Foxes has returned with news of her forthcoming EP Friends In The Corner, alongside sharing new cut 'Kathleen' to accompany the announcement. 'Kathleen' is Foxes' first release of 2021, and follows December's 'Hollywood', which will appear on her upcoming EP alongside last year's 'Friends In The Corner', 'Love Not Loving You' and 'Woman' singles. The new track is produced by Courage (Stormzy, MNEK, Ray BLK) and Charlie Hugall (Halsey, Florence and the Machine), and is an ode to her grandmother Kathleen. Foxes, real name Louisa Rose Allen, says of the single, "My grandma, Kathleen, has always given really good advice so on one visit I thought, ‘why am I not recording this?’. A couple of weeks later in the studio I happened to be going through my voice notes of random melodies and lyrics I’d saved and stumbled across her words of wisdom and within 20 minutes we’d written it with all her advice from the notes. I kept that exact recording of her talking at the end of the song. I don't think I’d be a songwriter without her." She adds, "For me, 'Kathleen' closes the chapter of the last year. Focussing on creativity during lockdown has been essential for me – it’s given me so much strength and positivity. Almost without realising, I ended up writing a whole new album. The new songs have a really different energy and need to exist together as a record. But first I need to release 'Kathleen' as it’s such a special song for me and just seems so right for now. It felt right to wrap these songs up together as an EP before the new album gets released later this year." [via Line Of Best Fit]

The Sydney-based three-piece Middle Kids release the cinematic title track and video from their hotly anticipated second album, Today We’re The Greatest, out now via Lucky Number One. 'Today We’re The Greatest' features a heartachingly beautiful performance from lead singer Hannah Joy and showcases the juxtaposition of her compelling songwriting. The grandiose and romantic notion of the song’s title is offset by the repeated refrain “life is gory and boring sometimes” which both closes the song and also the album – reveling equally in the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. About the song, Hannah explains: “This is a simple song of people being TINY and our lives being FLEETING but in that we are EPIC and GREAT. It’s finding the beauty and majesty of the every day. Therein lies life and meaning. LIFE IS GORY AND BORING SOMETIMES: it’s both hectic and mundane and we have to accept both.” 'Today We’re The Greatest' is accompanied by a stunning music video directed by W.A.M. Bleakley and filmed on the Kiama costal path in Australia.

Pacific Northwest native pop singer ALITA has released her new music video 'I’m Not Your Mother'. The video is a 50's inspired homage to empowerment and subverting antiquated gender roles. It was co-produced by ALITA & Zach Nicita (VERITE, Anne Marie, MS MR), and co-written by ALITA & Grammy-award-winning songwriter Jesse Saint John (Lizzo - Truth Hurts). “I wanted to create a visual world that put the song into a little more context," exlplains ALITA. "The song has a lot of classic & almost retro influences, from the old movie voices of women to the genre-blending pop, r&b, soul production. I wrote, ‘I’m Not Your Mother’ as a reflection on my own relationships, but I also know how shared of an experience this is for so many women. I see it every day in my friends' relationships, in my own family dynamics, in media. It’s constant. So we pulled in moments from old movies & tried to sprinkle in some history into the song as well. For the video, I wanted to honor the sonic storytelling with an exploration of the modern and classic roles women play. I wanted it to be a little weird & left of center, so there’s a lot of strange Easter eggs throughout the video. We’ve evolved as a species over the years, thank God, but instead of women being expected to be a homemaker, for example, there’s still this expectation for women to take care of and take responsibility for the men in our lives. It just may look a little different than it did 50 years ago. The application has changed, but the subtleties and impact remain. My goal was to tip my hat to that in the video, and just make something that looked nice.”

Glüme's Instagram bio reads "Walmart Marilyn," offering a succint intro to the LA-based artist's DIY approach to old school Hollywood glamor. She recently signed to Italians Do It Better, making her label mates with Chromatics and Glass Candy with whom she shares a penchant for bittersweet and melodic synth-pop, the perfect backdrop for a struggling ingénue. This week she debuts 'What Is A Feeling,' taken from her forthcoming debut album The Internet, due next month. 'What Is A Feeling' was written after Glüme, who has the rare heart condition Prinzmetal angina, was informed that her emotional health was starting to affect her physical condition. Over a chugging bassline and drum claps she questions the very make-up of her existence, asking questions including "What makes me work?" and "What makes me hurt?" Not even a doctor's orders can keep her away from temptation though, with the chaos of conflicting feelings tied up tight in the song's restrictive confines. “I had a doctor once tell me my feelings were doing my heart more harm than good," Glüme says via email. "I left wanting to completely disassemble my emotions and throw them in the trash. I studied emotions from physical and philosophical perspectives to see if I could outsmart them. But feeling less wasn't an option.” The Internet is out on April 30 via Italians Do It Better. [via The FADER]

Singer, songwriter, and producer ZAND is known for their uniquely brash brand of self-described ugly pop, and the iconic look that accompanies it is almost as distinctive. New single 'Bald Bitch' is ZAND’s most compelling earworm yet, its crunchy synthesised bassline driving beneath Blackpool accented pseudo-rap and the buzz of an electric razor. It’s the fourth and final cut to be lifted from last year’s Ugly Pop EP. ZAND isn’t afraid of controversial subject matter, with previous singles tackling topics such as misogyny and the stigma of sex work. 'Bald Bitch' is no exception to this trend, with ZAND squaring up to and superficial detractor chosing to comment on their appearance. 'Bald Bitch' is the next installment in the story of an artist who refuses to cow to convention. [via Line Of Best Fit]

Korean-American musician Jessi says she hopes her new song ‘What Type of X’ will inspire listeners to be “more confident”. The singer-rapper noted that “the most crucial thing” for her is self-love and how important it was for ‘What Type Of X’ to reflect that. “I am a woman of strong mentality and for me, loving myself is the most crucial thing. If you do not love yourself, nobody will do so. On top of that, you have to be surrounded by people who give off positive vibes,” she said. “Through the song, I want to tell people to be more confident and hope they remember that being different is not wrong.” Jessi co-wrote ‘What Type of X’ with Psy, who is the head of her agency P Nation. Psy. She shared that the lyrics were originally written in English before Psy helped to translate them, adding that the duo “did not argue as much as we did in the past while working together”. The singer also noted that, compared to her previous releases, she did not have as much time to prepare for this comeback. Calling herself a “perfectionist”, Jessi added that she feels like she is not fully ready to perform the song on stage yet, although she says she’s “quite content with the single’s quality”. [via NME]

Newcastle-based trio Cat Ryan have shared the official video for their latest indie-pop stunner ‘Mary Shelley Song’. The band has this to say on the clip: “Our film student friends, Briana and Gabi offered to film a music video for us and it was the first opportunity we’d had to film a professional kind of video. The first thought I had was to have a film noir style video. I think Lucas came up with a loose storyline and the idea to have it in reverse. We all quite liked the idea of a murder plot and with some tweaking of the narrative and, with the help of Briana and Gabi, the ideas came to life.”

[gingermcl]

4 major “Clair” abilities

When one searches for psychic abilities online there are abilities that seem to show up more frequently than others. There are four Clair abilities that appear on most every listing of psychic abilities - clairvoyance, clairaudience, clairsentience, and claircognizance. There are more than four Clair abilities; these four are the most common. In this video I will discuss each of these for abilities in detail.

Clairvoyance

Clairvoyance is the first Clair ability we will discuss. Clairvoyance means “clear seeing” (psychic seeing) and you’ve may have experienced it in some way in your life…. and may not have recognized it for what it was. The seeing that takes place isn’t typically dramatic. Clairvoyance is often subtle and the visions and images are usually in your mind or third eye.

Signs of clairvoyance

* Mental images randomly flash before your eyes

* You find it easy to visualize or imagine things in your mind

* See flashes of colors, numbers, symbols or images

* See visions as a “movie” playing in your head

I’m not a Clairvoyant so don’t feel comfortable declaring too much about how it works. I do have the other three abilities in this article.

Clairaudience

Clairaudience is the second Clair ability we will discuss. Clairaudience means “clear hearing.” Clairaudience is the capability of receiving intuitive vocal messages from spirits, higher, and other unseen beings and energies. Clairaudients can extend their hearing to transcend the everyday physical world and known level of awareness, in order to reach the world beyond. Clairaudients are highly intuitive people who are able to listen to a voice other than their own when the spirit world transmits a message to them.

The message might include particular words, names or phrases, unintelligible sounds or music. The voice sometimes sounds extremely different from the voices we normally hear. It may sound as if it’s being spoken right next to you, inside your head, or echoing as if from another dimension. It also might sound like one of your loved ones who has passed away. The voice may make itself heard at times of a crisis, an emergency, a crossroads, or at another significant time. Clairaudient dreams are also a known phenomenon, where a person may hear the voice of a spirit during sleep. Sometimes it isn’t a foreign voice but sounds like your own.

Many people are born to clairaudience. The voice appears one day or has always been with them, and the individual may accept it, get used to it, and decide to acknowledge it - or decide to deny the ability.

Clairaudience can also be an acquired skill. As with other abilities, like playing an instrument, practice makes perfect. You can decide to hone this skill. A similar example would be getting to know a partner in a relationship. At first, you have no idea what his/her different behaviors mean. Little by little, you start to recognize little signs and symbols, which have a special meaning that’s true only for that person. It’s like a secret language that only you know. When you start listening to your internal voice, you start to understand it and tap into its clairaudient meaning.

1. You talk to yourself - This could be having conversations in your head with an inner voice. Without realizing it, you could be receiving guidance. It’s also a way of hearing your own thoughts versus the thoughts of other beings.

2. Ringing in your ears - While this could signify a medical condition, when there is no explanation, it could mean a warning from your spirit guide. I have this a ton and it always feels malevolent. I don’t feel it is a warning rather an attack.

3. You hear someone call out to you when no one around you did - This could be you hearing voices from another dimension. The words may not always be clear, but they could become clearer during a reading.

4. You give advice to others - When people keep turning to you for the excellent advice that you give which helps them feel understood, you may be channeling the wisdom of higher beings.

5. Inspiration comes naturally to you - When doing mundane tasks and inspiration hits, the quiet is the perfect time for spirits to communicate with you and provide helpful advice.

6. You hear messages which seem to be just for you - This could be through the radio or any spoken words. Your focused hearing may be picking up on messages your spirit guides are communicating with you.

7. You had an imaginary friend as a child - Children often have stronger spiritual connections than adults. Imaginary friends could be spirits communicating with you rather than something your mind conjured up.

Clairsentience

Clairsentience Is the third Clair ability we will discuss. Clairsentience means “clear feeling.”It is the ability to feel the present, past or future physical and emotional states of others, without the use of the normal five senses (smell, vision, touch, hearing, and taste).

People who are clairsentient may also be able to retrieve information from houses, public buildings, and outside areas, that is invisible for our physical senses. That’s why clairsentience is often associated with what’s referred to as the sixth sense or the sense of intuition.

People who experience clairsentience are affected by a myriad of different influences, but it all comes down to being sensitive to changes in energy.

Clairsentients not only feel other people’s emotions and take this into their body, but they can also receive insights around these emotions.

They also may sense when someone behind them is watching them. Some clairsentients can even feel when somebody is potentially in danger or experiencing pain.  

*See photo for characteristics of clairsentience.

Claircognizance

Claircognizance is the fourth and final ability we will discuss.

Claircognizance means “clear knowing”. It allows one to know something is real or will be, though he or she has no logical explanation to back up this idea. Claircognizants have an inner knowing or gut feeling that they can’t dismiss even if they try. They just “know” specific things through their own psychic feelings, which can be directly manifested as thoughts. For example, you may know that you shouldn’t take your normal route to work (without turning on the news and seeing the major pileup), or know your daughter shouldn’t sleepover at her new friend’s house (without hearing the school talk that her mom is totally absent all the time). People with the psychic ability of claircognizance KNOW certain things, without logic or reason.

Claircognizance is when information and facts seem to be downloaded into an the individual’s awareness or perceptions. Often, this takes the form of a strong sense of knowing, or an inspired idea. Claircognizant messages often come like a light bulb illuminating suddenly within your head and can be gone like a flash. They appear very random and at times when you are working, watching TV, running, or otherwise, doing something completely unrelated to it. I have found it is very important to write things down when they come to me. Otherwise it may be weeks or months before it comes to me again.....if it does.

Those with claircognizance may describe this inner knowing as…

* As obvious to them as if someone presented an undisputable case

* An out-of-the-blue message

* “Look, I can’t explain it. I just know!”

Since claircognizance can also present as a “gut feeling”, it’s important to distinguish between it and clairsentience (“inner feeling.)” Those with clairsentience FEEL things and know them to be true, while claircognizant people KNOW things to be true – without logic, reason, or feeling. For example, your father may get a scary diagnosis from the doctor, but you just KNOW he is going to be okay.

3 Ways You Can Receive Claircognizant Messages

1. Gut Feelings

Those with claircognizance may describe their inner knowing as a “gut feeling”.

It’s difficult to explain how you know something with no logical reason… but a gut feeling is something most people can grasp and even relate to. Plus claircognizant messages really do feel as if the thought/message comes straight into your gut or solar plexus.

2. Out of the Blue

Most claircognizant messages seem “out of the blue”. Claircognizant messages randomly and often abruptly happen and may sound like:

* “Check on the dog outside!” (Dog has is tangled in the fence.)

* “I’m surprised my sister isn’t pregnant yet.” (You find out 2 days later she is)

* “Turn on channel 351” (Your favorite movie of all time is playing)

Claircognizant impressions come while you’re doing something totally unrelated and interrupt your thought pattern. If you’re showering and a thought about your sister being pregnant suddenly pops into your head…that’s claircognizance.

3. In Your Sleep

Some people with claircognizance describe being woken out of a deep sleep with solutions to problems. Whether the problem was a schedule conflict or world peace, claircognizant people get a deep sense of inner knowing that solves problems in insightful ways. They don’t always know how they know yet the message is loud and clear.

Let’s be honest… it may not sound like a load of fun to receive intuitive messages that you can’t explain to anyone. And it’s probably not great for your social life when you yell, STOP to someone who’s about to eat a sushi roll that you know is bad. Once you are far enough along in your psychic development, you’ll begin to get a sense of who is sending you a message and why. You may not ever know who is sending you a message. If you desire to know I suspect you could find ways to ask the universe to reveal your messenger(s) to you.

You may notice that you’re receiving messages you’re not quite sure what to do with. That’s okay. The good news is that you are receiving the claircognizant message. The meanings usually come in time. Until then, trust that your claircognizance is only being used for your highest good. You may feel more comfortable if you set the intention that you only consent to communication from benevolent energies with your and humanity’s highest and greatest good as their intention. I started doing this a couple years ago and my messages have become much more reliable, I get much less psychic interference, and I no longer get negative clairaudient messages.

Signs of claircognizance

1. You often know when someone is lying or insincere

People with claircognizance have a nose for dishonesty (even when they have no proof).

2. You wake up with insightful answers to difficult problems

If you wake up with now seemingly obvious solutions do your biggest problems, you may have the gift of inner knowing. When we sleep, our logical brain also rests: allowing intuitive messages to come through.

3. You get messages “out of the blue” that turn out to be correct

You may get the sudden urge to call someone only to find out he or she is frantic or in a crisis situation. This seemingly out of the blue and random message to check on that person was actually a claircognizant experience. If you regularly get “out of the blue” messages that are accurate it’s a clear indication you’re claircognizant.

Or if you receive intuitive messages in other ways; there’s a high chance that you are claircognizant.

Conclusion

If you feel that you have one of these four abilities it is important to realize that these abilities are a blessing!! Abilities should be accepted and honed. Humanity is in dire need of those of us that can offer additional help, hope, and healing.

[hudsonespie]

Interview: Commanding the Futuristic Destroyer USS Zumwalt

[By Dmitry Filipoff]

CIMSEC had the opportunity to discuss commanding the USS Zumwalt (DDG-1000) stealth destroyer with commanding officer Captain Andrew Carlson. 

In this wide-ranging discussion Capt. Carlson describes the goals of this unique warship, what it is like to experiment and field advanced new capability, and what the legacy of the ship may be for preparing for great power competition. 

What would you say are the unique challenges of leading this ship and crew compared to most other ships?

Certainly, managing the maturation process in automation, integrating advanced technologies with legacy programs of record, and the minimal manning model all come to mind. However, none of those challenges are especially unique to Zumwalt.

The truly unique set of challenges for Zumwalt has really been orchestrating the path toward reaching an initial operational capability (IOC). Not only because of in-stride adjustments and acquisition decisions for certain systems but mainly navigating the dual-delivery approach prescribed in the Acquisition Decision Memorandum signed December 22, 2007 by the Under Secretary of Defense for Acquisition, Technology and Logistics.

DDG 1000-class ships undergo a two-phased activation approach, separating hull, mechanical, and electrical delivery (encompassing propulsion and support systems for safe navigation) from combat systems activation. DDG 1000 was originally delivered from the shipbuilder, Bath Iron Works, in May 2016. Since our arrival in San Diego in late 2016, the crew has coordinated with Naval Sea Systems Command (NAVSEA) for completing systems installation, activation, and testing, while subordinate to operational direction from the U.S. Third Fleet, and operating under the manning, training, and equipping functions of Commander, Naval Surface Forces, U.S. Pacific Fleet. This blending of delivery timelines and program milestones with fleet certification requirements and operational schedules presented a complex command and control relationship with shifting phases of supported and supporting efforts between the numbered fleet commander, the type commander, and NAVSEA.

Despite the challenges inherent in this approach, the benefits realized include an ability to achieve progress in each of the support roles to the different chains of command. Provided the ship systems met readiness levels, and the crew maintained training certifications under surface force guidance, Zumwalt was able to conduct operations at sea necessary for initial operational test and evaluation milestones as well as meet crew training and proficiency requirements while satisfying Third Fleet operational tasking. The best example of this was a Spring patrol in early 2019 after Zumwalt completed critical tier-1 certification requirements and eventually sailed over 9000 nautical miles, conducting first-in-class trials in Alaska, supporting engagement and security cooperation events with our Canadian partners in Esquimalt, British Columbia, and completed a transit to Pearl Harbor, all while conducting combat systems activation events and crew training sustainment.

Split delivery, though a necessary decision at the time, has been a challenging framework to operate in, though in retrospect, I am encouraged that the coordination between the fleet and NAVSEA has resulted in a meticulously managed progress toward achieving IOC, while providing opportunity for the crew to gain competence and confidence in operating Zumwalt and meeting operational tasking for the Pacific Fleet.

The Navy established a Surface Development Squadron that includes the Zumwalt. What is it like to lead a ship whose focus is experimentation, rather than, say, preparing for a traditional deployment?

I would adjust the framing of the question a bit to address the opportunity to experiment more explicitly, in addition to preparing for a deployment. The main focus of the ship is completion of developmental and integrated at-sea testing and achievement of initial operational capability. Along the way, because of first-in-class privilege, the crew also has the opportunity and even the obligation to experiment with the ship. The newer technologies in computing architecture, hull form, electric drive, and increased automation present incredible opportunity to experiment not only with technology and newer systems but in basic ship operations and tactical development applied to the class, and perhaps the fleet of the future.

The Surface Development Squadron establishment (created in May 2019 and now up and running today) and alignment of the Zumwalt hulls under one immediate superior in command furthers the opportunity DDG 1000 already enjoyed as a lead ship by positioning each ship under a commander charged with, among normal command duties, the rapid experimentation and developmental operations for technology and procedures. At the root of our training, maintenance, and operations, we are always looking for proficiency and the application of basic-through-advanced surface warfare disciplines in order to be ready for deployment.

Pearl Harbor, Hawaii (Apr. 2, 2019) Sailors aboard guided-missile destroyer USS Zumwalt (DDG 1000) man the rails as the ship pulls into Pearl Harbor. (U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communications Specialist 2nd Class Jonathan Jiang)

The privilege of leading a first-in-class ship that gets to experiment was already a great job. Under a boss who supports, enables, and encourages experimentation, I have even more license and support to push the envelope in all facets of surface warfare. And this is all framed under a mindset of “preparing for a deployment” as it also includes developing the concepts of employment, adjusting and refining the training and certification models for this ship class, and proving out the best methods for integration with fleet and joint operations.

For a ship that will probably not experience a traditional deployment or reach its full capability soon, what keeps the crew interested and motivated?

Zumwalt Sailors have a long view. They have a problem-solving tenacity undeterred by ambiguity. And they understand that deploying is not synonymous with operating. We are able to operate, and need to operate, for testing, development, and validation so that subsequent ships and fleet units are ready when we do deploy. That is motivation enough to stay on top of readiness, training certifications, and maintaining proficiency in the very perishable skills of doing routine things in the maritime environment that, though dangerous, need not be unsafe.

The crew stays interested as well through first-in-class moments. We have the opportunity as the lead ship to live in the grey area and determine the way ahead for the ship class. Among our grading criteria is this path we pave for follow-on work. For example, the Zumwalt-class destroyer Michael Monsoor (DDG-1001) should meet or exceed many of our production, activation, testing, and qualification metrics. We absolutely measure our effectiveness more so by their successes rather than our own. Additionally, what we learn and experience has value to the current operating fleet as well as the ongoing research and development for future ship classes.

Finally, we focus on our team, our culture. Onboard Zumwalt we value civility, humility, teamwork, honesty, and integrity. We necessarily do this because those are characteristics of high-performing professional organizations, but we also make them a priority because they solidify our own crew as a team ready to lean in to the challenges involved in bringing a new ship class to life, and ushering in a new capability to the fleet. We are interested and motivated in each other, and that surpasses the challenge of succumbing to hard or wicked problems, and also counters dealing with the tedious nature of some of the more mundane things we do.

How would you describe the progress and process of the combat systems integration?

Challenging and rewarding, often simultaneously. In addition to ushering in advanced technology inherent in the Zumwalt design, we are poised at the intersection of legacy programs of record and new systems functionality that requires extensive testing beyond simple installation and testing on other hulls that have already passed through the crucible of being a part of a new ship class. Our situation has led to fascinating discussions and discoveries between design teams, engineers, industry leads, and fleet Sailors as we install, test, repair, modify, and operate various equipment and systems of systems onboard.

Pearl Harbor, Hawaii (April 2, 2019) Capt. Andrew Carlson, center, commanding officer of the guided-missile destroyer USS Zumwalt (DDG 1000), speaks to Rear Adm. Kristen Fabry, left, director of logistics, fleet supply and ordnance, for the U.S. Pacific Fleet, and Rear Adm. Jim Waters, director of Maritime Headquarters at the U.S. Pacific Fleet, during a tour of the ship. (U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist 2nd Class Jonathan Jiang/Released)

It is necessarily detailed and deliberate, and certainly tests one’s patience when testing identifies a flaw or corrective action, but each time the collective team of government civilians, industry leads, and Sailors punches through to a successful test or validation of system integration there is a tremendous sense of accomplishment and increased motivation to move forward. In some cases, our in-situ feedback can be turned around into rapid changes that affect not just the Zumwalt ship class but other fielding efforts across the fleet. We are also well-positioned to inform discussions on future ship classes with operator perspectives to aid acquisition deliberations.

What can this ship teach the Navy about preparing for great power conflict?

Logistics and self-sufficiency are not only critical enablers for prompt and sustained combat operations at sea, but need to be factored into requirements definitions, and design and acquisition decisions. We have spent many hours reviewing and modifying our ability to conduct repairs and improve self-sufficiency within the lifelines of the ship. Adequate repair parts storage, critically evaluated parts allowances, and onboard repair capabilities should always be part of ship design. This includes not only traditional hull, mechanical and electrical repair capability, but with the continuing shift of key components in systems and the networking of engineering control on par with sensor and weapon control, the reliance on network health and security, fiber optic repair, electronic redundancies, and computer architectures will require increased reliability and failsafes to ensure our ships and their systems can remain available in a sustained fight.

Including margin in space, weight, power, and cooling in our ship systems aids longevity of design and permits agility in our procurement to adjust to a dynamic strategic and operational landscape. Patience and prudent decision-making along the way are key components of a steady strain to deliver capability to the fleet that has not existed and will be game-changing in great power conflict. Investment in time, fiscal resources, intellectual capital, and deliberate maturation of critical technologies are key to the long view in procurement.

Significant advancements in maritime warfare capabilities like automation, stealth, and high power systems are expensive and require clear articulation of cost and risk balances. Once we have determined that these advancements are necessary to tip the scales in favor of our national interests, we have to be disciplined and principled to effectively follow through. But this is not a call to blind loyalty or to obstinate determination in the face of invalidated assumptions, or changing fiscal, strategic, or operational realities.

When we need improved and advanced capabilities, including ones the Zumwalt class brings, we will find that those capabilities are not something we can quickly surge if they do not already exist in the fleet. We will be glad that we committed in advance to gaining the advantages Zumwalt brings, especially in technologies and tactics that usher in new capability across the fleet. There’s a great quote from the movie Spy Game from Robert Redford’s character, Nathan Muir. His assistant, Gladys, (brilliantly played by Marianne Jean-Baptiste) muses whether or not he is being paranoid as she watches him prepare for foreseen challenges he expects to face. Muir’s response as a seasoned intelligence operative resonates with me: “When did Noah build the ark, Gladys? Before the rain…before the rain.”

Closer to my wheelhouse, I believe the more I sail and operate with an advanced warship like Zumwalt, the more I am convinced that technical competence and system expertise, procedural compliance built on a foundational knowledge of basic principles, and tenacity in solving hard problems remain timeless requirements of service at sea.

What do you think the legacy of the Zumwalt class will be?

Power, stealth, and people. More explicitly, power generation, redundancy, and smart power distribution regimes will become the norm across the future force. We will continue to see increased demand for high voltage systems, integrated power, and balanced distribution of power across a variety of inductive loads that include sensors and weapons, and even propulsion systems of the future.

Regarding stealth, the nature of our ship and her inherent stealth design has thrust forward into our tactical development an emphasis on signature control and emissions discipline that is not only supremely effective in the employment of this ship class, but is immediately exportable to other ship classes. A crew that can appreciate the use of the electromagnetic and acoustic spectra in the routine doesn’t need to be on a stealth destroyer to realize the advantages therein. Put another way, one doesn’t have to be invisible if you don’t let people see you to begin with.

I would hope for a stealth destroyer legacy that engenders a renaissance of basic warfighting disciplines in emissions control, operational deception, anti-submarine tactics, and an application of offensive capability distributed across the battlespace to not only decrease our detect-to-engage sequence timelines, but also complicates and reduces the decision space of an enemy.

Eastern Pacific Ocean (Apr. 28, 2019) The guided-missile destroyer USS Zumwalt (DDG 1000) underway off the coast of California. (Internal U.S. Navy photo)

Finally, the privilege of leading a concentrated grouping of talented, mature, and resilient Sailors reinforces continued appreciation for the maxim that Sailors mean more than systems onboard a warship. John Paul Jones had it right when rating the capability of a ship.

Any final thoughts to share?

Facing similar challenges to those faced by today’s Navy, our ship’s namesake entered office as the 19th Chief of Naval Operations. With defense spending declining and a steadily aging fleet, Admiral Elmo “Bud” Zumwalt saw it as his job to ensure the Navy remained capable of meeting the current and future threats. Zumwalt’s embrace of innovation resulted in a number of new programs, such as the Oliver Hazard Perry-class frigate, the Ohio-class ballistic missile submarine, and the F-14 Tomcat, all of which had lasting impacts on the Navy’s warfighting readiness. We are similarly poised with advanced capability requirements, but constrained resources, and we need to fearlessly apply a pioneering mindset while critically evaluating the effectiveness and integration of new capabilities.

More important than fleet capability development, Admiral Zumwalt knew the primary force-multiplier of the Navy continued to be Sailors and, as a social reformer, began quality of life improvements for the fleet and the institutionalization of equality for minorities and women in the Navy. There is still much work left in both the modernization of our naval capabilities and making actionable progress in the area of equality. We are privileged onboard Zumwalt to uphold a legacy of ushering in new naval capability, but more so, to reinforce ideals the admiral voiced in Z-gram 66, that “there is no place in our Navy for insensitivity. We are determined that we shall do better…ours must be a Navy family that recognizes no artificial barriers of race, color, or religion. There is no black Navy, no white navy, —just one Navy—the United States Navy.”

Captain Carlson is a 1995 graduate of the U.S. Naval Academy. He previously commanded the legacy destroyer USS Higgins (DDG 76), the U.S. Aegis Ashore Missile Defense System in Romania, and a trio of coastal minehunters. He holds Navy subspecialties in space systems engineering and national security. The views here are his own and do not necessarily reflect those of the U.S. Navy or the U.S. Department of Defense. 

Dmitry Filipoff is CIMSEC’s Director of Online Content.  

This article appears courtesy of CIMSEC and may be found in its original form here. 

from Storage Containers https://www.maritime-executive.com/article/interview-commanding-the-futuristic-destroyer-uss-zumwalt via http://www.rssmix.com/

[powerfulpositivethinking]

Conquering your fears

It is particularly visible it in our brave soldiers when they return from conflict, unable to resolve what they have seen and done. Many have the false belief that people will mistake them for cowards if they allow their feelings to be seen by others – and they suffer as a result.

We are talking here about extreme cases, but fears are still fears nonetheless, however trivial they may seem - and they have real power over us because we have allowed them into our lives and slowly but surely they have eaten away at our confidence and self-esteem.

Fears are the masters and those that are affected are the slaves and until you resolve to eliminate them from your life you can never be the positive person you really want to be. Even worse, fears act like a highly contagious virus and you will infect others, particularly those close to you, with exactly the same worries.

My blogs frequently return to the theme of breaking those chains, the stuff you pass on to your children – and the worst and biggest candidate of them all is fear. It will stop you in your tracks as effectively as a brick wall, fuelled by your imagination and the dark thoughts that follow from your sub-conscious.

I use the words sub-conscious because that is where your innermost fears are buried and that’s where we have to go to get rid of them for good. So let’s start that journey – it will not be as hard as you think if you are prepared to put your fears into some kind of perspective – and that is just what we are going to do.

Most fears, as real as they seem, are totally irrational and based more on natural anxiety. We need to make this distinction. Natural anxiety is quite normal – it is natural for example to be worried about the safety of your children if they are out alone for the first time; it is natural to be worried about passing an exam that is important to your future and it is natural to be worried about getting a new job after a gruelling interview.

The list is almost endless, but it represents the day to day challenges that face us all and in a perverse kind of way natural anxiety can be a good thing as it spurs us into action to ensure that the things you are worrying about have a better chance of success.

It is only when those worries turn into serious anxieties and they begin to take over your life and when action is needed to bring you back into the light. It could be that there are underlying medical and psychological conditions that are affecting you – and if that is the case then you must seek professional advice.

However, for most people it is the deep rooted fears that are the most dangerous and debilitating. These are the ones that may have been with you since childhood, planted in your sub conscious by your parents or other well-meaning adults who failed to recognise what they were doing.

Those seeds found fertile ground inside you – and if the truth be known, you probably added to them with a little bit of your own imagination and life experience. You almost certainly magnified them and today they remain in the fully grown adult to continue their damage when they are passed on your own children or loved ones.

These are the fears that effectively prevent you from fulfilling your life in the way you want. They act as barriers, virtual brick walls that hold you back in relationships, attracting material things, being the success you desire – I feel sure you can add to this list. But let’s examine these fears in more detail because until you can see them for what they are you will always be unable to deal with them.

Fear is one of the worst emotions anyone can face. I am not talking about raw fear, that gut wrenching adrenaline fuelled feeling where you have to choose between fight or flight. I am looking instead at that nagging day in, day out voice in the back of your head that reduces you to constant worry.

It is the one thing that is preventing you from moving on in your life. It changes the way you think to the point where even the smallest thing can completely change your mood in seconds. All it takes is a misspoken word, maybe a demanding letter, a thoughtless remark – and your mind goes into overtime as you imagine the worst.

You must put these into some kind of perspective. If you are having trouble paying a bill, it doesn’t mean that you will be declared bankrupt with all your possessions taken away. This is the last resort for banks and big corporations who will do their best to help you.

If you had an argument with friends it is unlikely that they will shun you forever, at least not if they are good friends. If you are facing health issues wait until you get the right advice before thinking about the worst outcome.

Fears about losing a job, offending that special person, losing the one you love – that list is almost endless, but feel free to tick the box that applies to you – will end up attracting the very thing you least want.

So how are we going to eliminate fears from your life? Only you can do that but, you are not completely alone so let’s see how Powerful Positive Thinking can help - that combination of positive thinking, common sense, realism and action.

However, before we look at the solution let’s make sure that we properly identify the problem. It starts with you confronting and dissecting your fears and getting them into perspective. Ask yourself what are you really worried about. Chances are all that you have is this nagging feeling of worry and anxiety that something is not quite right.

Start picking at that nagging feeling. What’s it all about? Confront and question it so that you have clearly identified the thing that is worrying you. Drag it out of your mind screaming for all it is worth, if you must – but confront and identify you will – for unless you know what concerns you, no one else can help.

There, as if by magic your worry appears, no longer protected by false emotions but standing naked before you and feeling very vulnerable. It is no longer a nagging worry because you have confronted it and reduced its power over you – it is now only a challenge waiting to be solved. I will return to this later because there are many fears that must be confronted if you ever to be free of them.

Believe it or not, one of these is fear of success. There are millions across the world who live with this phobia on a daily basis. It is difficult to define because success can come and is judged in so many different forms, but it is bad enough to cause major problems for sufferers – and in extreme cases it can be life changing.

It seems ironic that while so many crave success and the fame and fortune that goes with it there are those that fear it with the same level of passion – at least it seems that way especially when you discover that success and the way we react to it, means different things to different people.

At the most basic level there are those that never want to be seen to be standing out in a crowd. That could mean never putting your hand up in class, never volunteering or putting yourself forward for even the most mundane of tasks, always sitting in the back row, hoping you will go unnoticed. These affect the shyest of people in particular which we talk about this later.

Fear of success in such cases means the potential for humiliation, the thought that people will laugh at you if you get it wrong - much better not to try, than to take the risk of public rejection. Confused, I expect you are, because what I am describing sounds more like the fear of failure – so let’s explain the difference.

The two are closely linked, but while the variations may be subtle – they are still very much poles apart. Fear of failure is all about wanting something badly but being too afraid to pursue the dream. Fear of success is the worry that great things will be foisted upon you and you will not be worthy, so best not to try.

This feeling of unworthiness is the real key to understanding fear of success and when you can get that idea fixed in your mind then you can then look to use positive thinking as a potential solution and embrace the real benefits that success brings.

However, unworthiness also comes in many different forms so you need to understand the levers that make you feel this way. The most common relates to money where sufferers feel that they should not have been so blessed or have been more fortunate than others. They find it difficult to cope when they see poverty and lack and as a consequence. They feel guilty that they have been successful while others have not.

It is no good telling such people that there is plenty to go around and everyone can enjoy the same success and prosperity if they practice positive thinking. They have heard for example all the stories that being rich cannot relate to religious beliefs – the best known being about the rich man, the camel and the eye of the needle which implies that the wealthy will never enter heaven.

In spite of these fears there are many who still reach the greatest heights even though they fear being unable to cope with what it brings. Such people conveniently forget that they can use their wealth to benefit the poor and make a difference in a way that reflects their means – they can only see the guilt and as a result are unable to enjoy their money and what it can do.

Even worse is the scenario that those that have the ability to be rich reject the idea because they feel they will never be able to handle money. Equally, they never aspire to let the world see their talent for fear they will not be able to handle fame.

There are many similar variations which all relate to fear of success so you should now have an idea as to whether I am talking about someone like you. If the answer is yes then we should set about doing something about it, but what if your major fear is shyness.

We all know that feeling, that terrible moment when you walk alone into a crowded room, desperate to make eye contact with someone familiar. It’s that lack of confidence which has haunted you all your life. Some call it shyness but that does not go anywhere near to describing the fear that is gripping every fibre of your body right now.

You have read all those self-help books, you have taken in all of the advice, you may even have tried, Lord help us, to imagine your fellow guests vulnerable and naked and it’s not helping. Why is it that everyone else seems to so confident while you inwardly are self-destructing?

Well, I am going to let you into a little secret. Everyone in that room is feeling just like you to a greater or lesser extent. It all depends of course on how long they have known their fellow guests, how old they are, whether it’s a brand new environment – there are multiple permutations of course, but you can be certain that they all feeling a little unsure.

But that does not help me, I hear you say. I just want this feeling to go away, to be less shy and to be that confident outgoing person. Fear and anxiety are holding me back and it has been the same all of my life.

Ok! So we have worked out the problem. What are you going to do about it? Sorry, you will have to speak up – I did not hear you. Surely, you are not waiting for me to give you the answer – the solution is in your hands.

I do not mean to be cruel but when you focus on how bad and unsure you are feeling, you don’t stop to consider that others are having the same problems – and they do have the same uncertainties. What’s that you say – no one could be interested in you, you are not that good looking, you don’t have any special skills, you are a bit overweight?

Well, I’m looking your way right now and I am thinking there is no way that I can speak to you either. I expect you will notice that big spot on the end of my nose and my teeth have turned black with red wine and I always manage to say the wrong thing when I see someone attractive. Why can’t I be as confident as you?

Are you starting to get the picture? Probably, but I know you still have that fear, your throat is chocked up so let’s get back to positive thinking but combine it with some common sense and ask ourselves a few questions.

What is the worst thing that can happen to me if I conquer my fears and start a conversation with that person? What’s that you say – the sky will fall in – why didn’t you say. Best to stand there like a wallflower then.

Conquering that fear starts with a first step and sometimes you will falter and when you do you will stand up, brush yourself down and take another step until that whole glorious new world opens up. You will never totally lose those fears and anxieties. It’s called being human, but you will learn to control them.

Now you are ready to put positive thinking into action. Your fear is once again out in the open, write it down on paper or use a PC, mobile or tablet if you prefer. Go into some detail about this fear and question it. What is the worst thing that can happen? Is that likely?

Carry on writing or typing and then express what you want to happen – the best outcome that’s right for you. Tell the universe that it is not welcome in your life and you wish it to be removed. Check your message, make sure it’s right for you and your wishes – and then destroy it. Tear up the paper, delete the message and have faith that the universe has received it. Vow never to think about it again and then you will be ready for good things to happen.

OK! I accept that it’s not so easy to forget the message because that’s the big worry, but forget it you must because when you keep returning to the problem the universe will assume that you wish to keep it – so keep the faith.

This is when the next part of Powerful Positive Thinking comes into force. You need common sense to decide what else you are going to do to eliminate this or these worries and then choose a course of action with realistic expectations.

As I said at the beginning, everyone is afraid of something – crime, physical violence etc – but these are rational fears and if we are wise, we take steps to avoid such things. You may extend such fears to your loved ones but there is nothing wrong with teaching them to be wary or streetwise and such concerns represent natural anxiety unless you give them power by turning them into an obsession.

It is the mental fears, your own irrational thoughts that we are talking about here – and you have the power to change them when they are confronted and seen for what they really are. You are not powerless and they can be eliminated as soon as you are ready to take that first step – so what are you waiting for?

The post Conquering your fears appeared first on Powerful Positive Thinking.

from Powerful Positive Thinking https://www.powerfulpositivethinking.org/conquering-your-fears/ via https://www.powerfulpositivethinking.org

[dundermifflin-this-is-pam-blog]

Brooklyn 99 MBTI

This post contains spoilers for Brooklyn 99! These typings are just my personal opinion, if you disagree or have comments about characterization I’d love to hear from you!

Rosa Diaz (ISTP): The lone wolf of the 99 squad, Rosa is intensely private and, at first glance, flat and unemotional. She is first and foremost a “badass” risk taker that seems to have no problem jumping into situations and making quick executive decisions when there is too much deliberating or dithering. This is her primary function, Se, at work and provides her with much of the outward personality we see throughout the season. However, we see throughout the series that she is analytically minded (this being her first, internal, function Ti) and uses that to not only remain private but also solve cases and catch bad guys. A combination of Ti and Se makes it seem as if Rosa is making impulsive decisions based on little logic, but she has in all likelihood thoroughly analyzed the situation before making a decision (throwback to Captain Holt’s comment about how he would jump off a cliff if Rosa did because he is sure that she did the proper calculations to make sure it was safe to jump). As for her 3rd function, we see it come out in mysterious ways she pulls together information from a variety of different tangible sources to come to solutions (such as her extensive and secret training in med school and pilots school). Pinning down Ni is more difficult as it is internal and even someone who has it has difficulty explaining it, but we see it in the increase of intuitive leaps she makes over time. The 4th function, Fe, is clearly Rosa’s greatest weakness and we see multiple examples of her frustration at social norms and expectations of intimacy. A good example is at Pimento’s fake funeral when she is expected to play the grieving fiancé in order to sell the ordeal, Rosa is reluctant and almost unable to do it. However, when she thinks about how she truly feels about Pimento and realizes that it may not be an act after all she is able to show her emotions honestly. 

Jake Peralta (ESFP): Jake’s primary function is Se and he lives almost entirely in the moment, absorbing information as it comes to him and having fun with it. His Se causes him to be bored with “work” aspects of policing and makes him turn almost anything he can into some sort of game in order to stave off the boredom and mundanity. His Se also detests anything that stops his impulsiveness and “flow” which is why Captain Holt’s sudden imposition of order on the precinct is so horrifying for Jake. His secondary function, Fi, is where much of Jake’s deeply entrenched moral code comes from. Fi as a secondary function means that while Jake may seem impulsive all of his decisions relate back to an intrinsic moral code which he spent a lot of time developing, as well as a healthy imagination and need to understanding people and their stories. For example, he takes fairly normal assignments, like tactical village day, and creates a persona complete with an accent and backstory in order to engage with the activity and make it fun. Fi is also the product of Jake’s “Gut Instinct” or things he knows to be right but its not based on any system of understandable logic. It is simply a product of the interconnectedness and “story”-esque nature of his thoughts where the eventual outcome is obvious, though not necessarily in a normal way. However, the third function Te provides the quick and logical problem-solving technique that makes Jake a good cop in high pressure situations. While he mostly relies on his own subjective moral code to make the best decision, his Te allows for more reality-based decisions-making. Finally, Ni is Jake’s weakest function and this is shown by his inability to pre-plan and see future consequences of his decisions. Throughout the series he gains the emotional maturity to use Ni to think about his future with Amy and the 99, but generally he prefers to believe the future will work itself out and deal with problems as they come.

Amy Santiago (ESTJ): As Captain Holt’s prodigy Amy sets high standards for herself as an officer and a person and her personality fits those high standards. Having Te as her primary function means that Amy is singularly focused on advancing her career. She thrives in the hierarchical system of the NYPD and takes any opportunity (including a wealth of seminars and other career-advancing programs) to cultivate those skills within the boundaries of what she knows. Te provides Amy with a way of maximizing efficiency and “being the best” – which can make her quite competitive. Si is the secondary function and explains her obsessive need for order, both inside her mind and out. Si works like a filing cabinet for information that can be brought out and used as needed by the Te, and allows Amy to learn rules and follow them quickly and efficiently. Similar to the way she adapted to Captain Holt’s new rules when he joined the 99. The third function, Ne provides the catalyst for many of Amy’s good ideas and interesting theories. While she primarily focuses on facts (Si) in a concrete system of logic (Te), Ne provides a way for new ideas to be created through what she knows. For example, the various binders, projects, and gifts given to Holt all came from interesting and fun ideas generated by the Ne. As well as innovative and new approaches to outsmarting both Jake and Holt during the Halloween heist. Finally, Fi works as Amy’s inferior function and is inherently her weakest. While she uses her Te, Si, and Ne to use creative ideas and concrete information to push herself to the top oftentimes Amy can get so wrapped up in the system she is working in that she forgets to consider her own feelings and opinions. This is exemplified when Holt asked her what she thought her greatest flaw was and she struggled to find it, eventually realizing that Jake (whose secondary function is Fi) unintentionally pointed it out to her. This was the Fi function at work, and it is shown more frequently throughout the series as Amy gets more mature and her relationship with Jake allows for more exploration of her inferior function.

Captain Raymond Holt (ISTJ): As the patriarch of the squad Captain Holt brought stability and focus with his stern demeanor and focus. As his dominant function Si colours Holt’s approach to almost everything, as he prefers to ponder all external decisions using his Si before coming to a decision. It provides him with impeccable memory for facts and dates that he seems to pull out of nowhere to make a point. Si is often described as being a filing cabinet where all relevant information is stored into their appropriate file in order to be pulled out later and Holt uses his Si to maintain a working knowledge of many different things that may be useful to him as a Captain. Holt uses his secondary function, Te, as a way to interact with the 99 and be the great Captain and leader we know and love. Te provides Holt with his ability to work effectively in within the government because he is focused on goals and maintaining momentum for positive results. Te allows Holt to see the outcome of plans and ideas even before they actually take shape. He uses this in all police work but is the most intensely on display during the Halloween Heist – his intense focus on detail and obsessive pre-planning shows a combination of Si and Te in order to outsmart Jake. Additionally, the stubbornness associated with Te is where Holt found the drive to work through years of racist and homophobic politics in the police department in order to slowly implement change. As the captain of the 99 we see the fruits of his many years of labour through programs like AAGLNYCPA.  Captain Holt is a mature ISTJ and often uses Fi to his advantage to understand what people are feeling and behave appropriately. But there are many moments throughout the series where he offers blunt critique or comment and hurts others without meaning to, such as telling Gina that she is not a professional dancer or failing to tell Kevin when he was (lightly) stabbed. These situations are rectified often through the input of others he trusts and through his use of Fi, which shows him the best solution whether it be an emotional or practical one. Fi also contains Holt’s values system, which is largely unaffected by those around him and creates many of the opinions and views that he is respected for. Fi is where his drive to blaze a new trail for black gay police officers came from, his other functions like Si and Te allowing him the follow through to do so. As Holt’s inferior function it is the least developed in the functional stack, and Holt often struggles with new ideas and experiences that he does not have time to meticulously plan for. Ne allows for an onslaught of ideas and perceptions of what will happen next and creates ideas for future projects all of a sudden and without much warning. Holt has mastered the art of taking these ideas and future predictions, combining them with his more dominant Si and Te and using it to execute those abstract plans.

Charles Boyle (ESFJ): Boyle is first and foremost an extroverted Fe user as he forcibly inserts himself into almost any emotionally turbulent situation and offer support and ‘interesting’ personal anecdotes. Fe is an information gathering function and Boyle uses that information to try and help the 99 with their problems, usually with novel (albeit gross) solutions. Fe also makes Boyle adverse to conflict and he often gives in at the first sign of anyone making a fuss, his divorce with Eleanor is a great example of how his desire for harmony got in the way of logic leading to him living in his ex-wife’s new husband’s basement. Boyle’s second function Si is, arguable, where a lot of the weird comes from. Boyle uses his Si to remember little bits of information (since Si is objective, he often remembers things differently than other people in a similar situation). Si and Fe in combination make Boyle a good detective as he gathers information through his Fe and then stores it in his Si, allowing that information to come out and be used later on in a case. However, his Si also values traditions and the Boyle family traditions can be quite strange and unusual from the outside looking in. He resists changes that Gina tries to make, such as going to Aruba, and initially resists Lynn and Darlene getting married at all. However, given his Fe and the insistence of his father, Boyle comes around on the last point and agrees to help get Gina’s blessing. Boyle’s 3rd function, Ne allows him to see future possibilities and although it is used less it interacts with his Fe and Si to imagine future possibilities and keep himself from becoming set in his routines. He uses his Ne in an unhealthy way when he goes “Full Boyle” and begins making impulsive leaps in relationships based on events that may be four or five years down the road, such as asking Vivian to marry him a few months into their relationship. His final function, Ti involves Boyle’s own internal logic and reasoning and could involve logically working through many different options and finding the best solution through reasoning. This is inherently Boyle’s weakest function and that is demonstrated through his reliance on other people’s opinions (Fe) and the “status-quo” (Si). However, Ti is important to Boyle so he can depend less on what the squad wants of him and more about what he and his family wants – using Ti logic to make decisions that are best for him and not for other people.

Terry Jeffords (ISFJ): Terry mirrors Captain Holt’s primary function, Si, but he uses it in a slightly different way. While his mind categorizes facts and ideas quite easily, those ideas are organized in a subjective way that is very much dependent on how those facts are related to the people around him as his secondary function is Fe. However, Terry can operate very well in an organized system and highly values his routine (hence his strict exercise and diet, Terry loves yogurt). Si used in such a way makes Terry a great police officer as he notices details not only about cases he is working, but also about the squad in order to deal with the day-to-day nitpicky problems that plague the precinct. As a data-gathering function Fe is responsible for Terry’s knowledge of what everyone on the squad is feeling and warm approach to trying to help them. This is also the root of Terry’s protectiveness of those that he deems to be in his “inner circle”. This includes obviously his children who he has many crises about making sure they are going to a good school and being taken care of appropriately. He also applies his Fe to others on the squad such as his protectiveness of Rosa when her and Pimento are getting married. His disapproval of Pimento coming from both Si evidence that Pimento is unstable, however, he eventually comes around based on Rosa’s genuine feelings of love for him. As a developed ISFJ Terry uses Ti to be a great sergeant as his problem-solving skills is intensely focused on other people. A good example of Ti at work is when Holt and Terry attempted to make the office more efficient using Terry’s observations of previous times when the office was inefficient (using Si) and took steps to curb those instances through logical analysis (Ti). This also is the root of Terry’s stubbornness as once he comes to a decision about something it is very difficult to change his mind, as he has already solidified his personal logic about it. With his last function being Ne Terry has problems going too far out of his comfort zone and taking risks and he is happy to have the same routine and live within it. This is demonstrated by his love of being a father and the mundanity of tasks related to his children’s routine. Terry channels his Ne by doing small things within his normal routine that are thrilling, and yogurt is actually a good example of this as he uses it as a thrilling reward for fulfilling tasks and goals. When faced with uncertainty Terry’s instinct is to try and figure out what is going to happen and since he is not adept at using Ne that can lead to a rabbit hole of worst case scenarios that lead to panic. This was especially true when Rosa responded to the active shooter and he was unsure whether she would be back, leading him to try and plan for the future by getting new health insurance in a frenzy.

Gina Linetti (ENTP): As Gina’s primary function, Ne is where all her crazy ideas come from. Ne provided us with the name of her fragrance line and game show, all of which were shared with Captain Holt and anyone else who happens to be nearby. She is also there to provide commentary and her own opinions into a conversation that may seem disjointed and crazy but are actually just products of her mind jumping around so quickly between topics and her voicing those mental leaps without explaining the thought process that went into them. A good example of seemingly disjointed mind leaps is when the 99 is looking for a new IT person and Gina vets them using novel methods that Terry finds unnecessary and disruptive. She eventually explains her method and how she arrived at the best conclusion (using her Ti to logic it out and explain her thought process) and the leaps make more sense. This function helps Gina actually logic out her ideas and put them into focus. She uses it to sift through ideas that may or not help her move forward with them. Another example of her Ti at work is when she bests Holt, Amy and Jake by winning the bet by matching their planning ability through the combination of the Ne and most especially by using her Ti. The Fe side of Gina is very developed and she shows it in many ways that we may not traditionally associated with a “feeling” function. She uses Fe in order to build a huge social following (the G-Hive) and also uses her unique understanding of social hierarchies to influence and manipulate other people in the precinct (her relationship with Pimento is a great example of this). This is also the epicenter of many of Gina’s more tender moments in which she refuses to give Boyle Sr. her blessing because of worry about her mom and her loyalty to Captain Holt when he is transferred to Public Relations. Since Si is Gina’s weakest function, she has trouble actually getting started on projects even though she has many ideas. Gina often fails to reliably do her job as a secretary as she doesn’t want to remember small details that are the core of secretarial work and is often making mistakes (filing documents by perp hotness, for example) which are the source of comedy and her reason for leaving the 99.  

[telmamariana-blog]

Adore Him Or Depart Him?

Eleven Truthful Queries To Request Oneself About Your Partnership

If you are like me, your ladies are your go-to. They provide trend help and advice: “Seriously? That prime with that skirt? No.” They provide work out recommendations: “I assume if we start out accomplishing two-a-days until finally the weekend, we’ll seem like Victoria’s Secret versions by Saturday.” Most significantly, they provide daily life guidance: “Quit your work. Let’s be gypsies.”

Your ladies are a lot more than just pals; they are really your soul sisters. Sadly, they are really normally hopeless romantics and "Sex along with the City"-addicted like zombies, so it may be really hard for them to aid you honestly assess your present relationships without having supplying you with the black and white solution to “love him or depart him.”

Fortunately for you personally, I'm ready to be the good friend you require for when you have reached a romantic relationship fork during the street, or probably, just need a actuality verify ahead of creating the very best (or quite possibly, worst) selection of the lifestyle.

I feel in adore over I think in something else during the globe. I also think also a lot of people settle since they do not inquire themselves the difficult concerns they should really just before they make the “love him or depart him” selection.

Right here are individuals eleven queries:

one. Does he carry out the most beneficial in you? Most of us possess attractiveness and think it or not, all of us also possess unsightly. The man or woman with whom you select to commit the remainder of your daily life really should magnify your strengths and stability out your weaknesses. He need to make you are feeling like not merely the perfect model of by yourself, however the truest edition, too.

In case you needed to summarize on your own in just 5 attributes, what would you like them to get? Now, assume in regards to the attributes that your vital other brings out in you. Do they align? How would he describe you? Once the characteristics you strive to get turned out to be the attributes you possess, real harmony gets to be conceivable.

two. Does he make you would like to be a greater person/friend/sister/employee? I’ve discovered that once we truly feel fulfilled and accepted precisely as we're, we have a tendency to end up far better versions of ourselves. Whenever we come to feel unappreciated and misunderstood, we struggle to exist as we're. Accurate happiness fills hearts with a lot joy that it overflows to the relationships that surround us.

Have your relationships outdoors on the 1 together with your present companion flourished or suffered due to the fact you have been with each other? The like of one's daily life will want you to nurture relationships that happen to be vital for you rather then call for your complete and undivided consideration.

If you happen to locate by yourself skipping out on girls’ nights, missing your nephew’s t-ball video games and generating excuses for leaving loved ones dinners early mainly because you have been manufactured to really feel guilty for not paying all your time together with your important other, it may be time for you to reassess.

three. Does he make the ordinary seem to be extraordinary? Every single individual includes a unique viewpoint from the great date, an ideal technique to devote a weekend as well as a fantasy getaway location, but relating to day-to-day pursuits, how can you invest your time?

Do you discover with each other, go on adventures collectively and, most significantly, take pleasure in executing every day duties with each other, this kind of as likely to the grocery shop or folding your laundry?

Some may laugh at this query, however the rest of one's lifestyle is known as a lengthy time for you to invest with somebody you really don't take pleasure in executing the mundane with. It is fantastic just how much much more exciting “chores” could be when you're doing them with another person you really enjoy.

four. Does he make you are feeling safe and sound? Though it is good to truly feel protected using the comfort of beefy arms, the security to which I'm referring calls for your emotions and feelings.

Does he make you're feeling risk-free if you will need to share a thing that is been in your thoughts, reassess a predicament that occurred at do the job or any time you just will need somebody to pay attention? Does he make you're feeling safe and sound to chase your dreams and find out your passions?

Women and men are incredibly several and have a tendency to manage feelings extremely in a different way; nevertheless, there may be a little something to become stated about a guy who chooses to pay attention, tries to know and guard your emotions.

five. Does he make you laugh? This may possibly be one particular on the most critical queries. Existence is way also quick to shell out it remaining major and there's almost nothing considerably better than laughing right up until your abdomen cramps with someone that demonstrates a weirdness much like your very own.

We're all weird and goofy and many of us possess the capability for being wholly hilarious from the eyes of somebody who appreciates our distinct kind of humor.

The bottom line is lifestyle is far better when you are laughing. What improved approach to establish if you are using the best particular person than to inquire your self, “Does he make me laugh?”

six. Do you relish speaking to him? We emphasis a lot within the location that we usually fail to discover all the actions it took to arrive. The best from the mountain might be wonderful, however the conversation over the hike up can make the journey worthwhile.

Select to devote your days with somebody you can actually speak to about anything at all and nonetheless really feel as if there is alot more left to say.

I normally truly feel unhappy when I see a couple at a restaurant staring blankly at every single other in silence, swirling their straws within their glasses, as if there is genuinely absolutely nothing left to go over. Daily life is way as well extended to fill it with compact speak.

seven. Does he calm your storms or build your storms? The enjoy of one's lifestyle must be your heart’s resting location. The security during the chaos, rainbow following the rain along with the man or woman you understand you'll depart feeling greater than whenever you started out.

All also generally, men and women get caught in relationships that make much more storms within their lives and invest the entire partnership seeking to calm them.

Lifestyle is very difficult adequate because it is. We shouldn’t really have to invest our days in relationships that only make it tougher. When you have had a terrible day, to whom do you flip? While you cry, who wipes away the tears? The like of the lifestyle really should commit far more time bringing sunshine instead of rain for your lifestyle. eight. Do you respect one particular a further? Respect is among the most critical characteristics to possess inside a romantic relationship. If you ever respect somebody, you might probably not embarrass him in front of other folks.

In case you respect a person, you'll decide upon to come right to him after you possess a challenge, in lieu of speaking about it to anyone else initial.

Arguments adhere to a significantly alot more constructive highway when respect is existing.

9. Do you battle exactly the same way? All people features a favored way for fighting and it is crucial which you as well as your sizeable other are compatible in conflict resolution. It is going to not often be rainbows and butterflies and troubles will come up.

If two people today choose to “fight” in wholly opposite methods, it might not get the job done within the lengthy run. Some individuals want to acquire heated, scream it out and say issues they’ll regret later on on so as to truly feel understood.

A number of people shut down totally and need to have time for you to awesome off and believe about matters, although other people will need to examine the predicament right away and truly feel harm when their spouse says he demands a while or room.

Many people require to sit down and also have lengthy discussions about each small detail of the predicament prior to they come to feel considerably better, although others would rather just forgive and neglect and move forward. It is crucial to inquire your self the way you deal with conflicts using the men and women you enjoy.

ten. Does he challenge you? All also generally, consumers develop into complacent in relationships. Does your connection challenge you mentally, physically and intellectually? Do you are feeling as if you learn about from each and every other, develop with a single a further and also have progressed the two individually and with each other considering the fact that you may have been collectively?

The really enjoy of the existence will fuel your passions in order that you are able to pursue the items you uncover meaningful and can challenge you to understand new expertise the two of you are able to pursue with each other.

eleven. Is he great on paper or is he very good in man or woman? Do you take pleasure in HIM or even the Thought of him? It is so straightforward to make a picture of your wonderful guy, only to notice the particular person in our minds does not exist. Be patient along with your heart and bear in mind of the emotions.

For anyone who is forcing it, justifying it or frequently trying to find approval for it, it may not be the best romantic relationship for you personally. Really don't waste time seeking to make sense of the really like, but rather, watch for the appreciate that basically tends to make sense. 

simpatias para conquistar o homem amado

https://www.evernote.com/shard/s387/sh/98f83fab-29f3-4a24-b04e-cc0792781a49/00e8d64e71628081db6fb7f1638b012e

[fragraham-blog]

Really like Him Or Depart Him?

Eleven Trustworthy Queries To Inquire Your self About Your Romantic relationship

If you are like me, your women are your go-to. They provide style recommendations: “Seriously? That best with that skirt? No.” They provide exercise recommendations: “I suppose if we start off performing two-a-days until finally the weekend, we’ll seem like Victoria’s Secret designs by Saturday.” Most significantly, they provide lifestyle guidance: “Quit your task. Let’s be gypsies.”

Your ladies are greater than just associates; they can be your soul sisters. However, they can be generally hopeless romantics and "Sex as well as the City"-addicted appreciate zombies, so it may be very difficult for them to assist you truly assess your present relationships devoid of supplying you with the black and white selection to “love him or depart him.”

The good news is to suit your needs, I'm prepared to be the pal you will need for when you have reached a partnership fork from the street, or maybe, just need a actuality check out just before creating the most beneficial (or quite possibly, worst) choice of the existence.

I think in adore in excess of I feel in something else inside the planet. I also feel as well many individuals settle due to the fact they do not request themselves the hard concerns they will need to just before they make the “love him or depart him” choice.

Right here are individuals eleven concerns:

one. Does he deliver out the top in you? All of us possess elegance and think it or not, all of us also possess unsightly. The particular person with whom you select to shell out the remainder of your existence ought to magnify your strengths and stability out your weaknesses. He will need to make you are feeling like not simply the perfect edition of by yourself, however the truest edition, at the same time.

Should you needed to summarize by yourself in just 5 attributes, what would you like them for being? Now, consider regarding the attributes that your major other brings out in you. Do they align? How would he describe you? Once the attributes you strive to possess grow to be the attributes you possess, real harmony gets feasible.

two. Does he make you wish to be a greater person/friend/sister/employee? I’ve discovered that whenever we come to feel fulfilled and accepted precisely as we're, we have a tendency to turn out to be improved versions of ourselves. Once we really feel unappreciated and misunderstood, we struggle to exist as we're. Accurate happiness fills hearts with a lot joy that it overflows to the relationships that surround us.

Have your relationships outdoors in the a single together with your latest companion flourished or suffered considering that you have been with each other? The enjoy of one's daily life will want you to nurture relationships which can be significant for you rather then demand your complete and undivided focus.

For those who uncover oneself skipping out on girls’ nights, missing your nephew’s t-ball video games and building excuses for leaving loved ones dinners early given that you have been manufactured to truly feel guilty for not paying all your time along with your considerable other, it may be time for you to reassess.

three. Does he make the ordinary look extraordinary? Every single particular person includes a distinctive view within the great date, the right strategy to invest a weekend along with a fantasy holiday location, but relating to day-to-day routines, how can you devote your time?

Do you check out collectively, go on adventures with each other and, most significantly, like executing daily duties with each other, this kind of as likely to the grocery retailer or folding your laundry?

Some may well laugh at this query, however the rest of one's lifestyle is often a extended time for you to shell out with an individual you do not relish undertaking the mundane with. It is impressive simply how much far more entertaining “chores” could be when you find yourself doing them with anyone you enjoy.

four. Does he make you are feeling safe and sound? Though it is great to come to feel protected together with the comfort of beefy arms, the security to which I'm referring calls for your emotions and feelings.

Does he make you are feeling protected if you desire to share some thing that is been in your thoughts, reassess a condition that occurred at deliver the results or any time you just require a person to pay attention? Does he make you're feeling secure to chase your dreams and find your passions?

Women and men are extremely numerous and have a tendency to cope with feelings rather in a different way; yet, there may be some thing for being stated about a guy who chooses to pay attention, tries to comprehend and shield your emotions.

five. Does he make you laugh? This may possibly be a single in the most critical concerns. Existence is way as well quick to devote it currently being major and there is certainly almost nothing much better than laughing right up until your abdomen cramps with somebody who demonstrates a weirdness just like your individual.

We're all weird and goofy and all of us possess the capability to get absolutely hilarious during the eyes of somebody who appreciates our particular type of humor.

The bottom line is daily life is improved when you are laughing. What much better way for you to find out if you are using the suitable man or woman than to inquire oneself, “Does he make me laugh?”

six. Do you get pleasure from speaking to him? We concentrate a lot about the location that we commonly fail to discover every one of the measures it took to arrive. The leading in the mountain could possibly be amazing, however the conversation about the hike up can make the journey worthwhile.

Decide to commit your days with somebody you possibly can talk with about something and even now truly feel as if there is a lot more left to say.

I generally really feel unhappy when I see a couple at a restaurant staring blankly at every other in silence, swirling their straws within their glasses, as if there is actually nothing at all left to go over. Daily life is way also lengthy to fill it with tiny speak.

seven. Does he calm your storms or generate your storms? The enjoy of one's daily life need to be your heart’s resting spot. The security inside the chaos, rainbow following the rain along with the particular person you already know you might depart feeling much better than while you began.

All also normally, folks get caught in relationships that make much more storms within their lives and shell out the entire romantic relationship wanting to calm them.

Lifestyle is challenging ample because it is. We shouldn’t need to commit our days in relationships that only make it tougher. When you have had a lousy day, to whom do you flip? Whenever you cry, who wipes away the tears? The really like of one's daily life should certainly invest even more time bringing sunshine rather then rain for your daily life. eight. Do you respect 1 one more? Respect is among the most critical characteristics to get within a romance. If you happen to respect a person, you'll very likely not embarrass him in front of many others.

If you happen to respect anyone, you can expect to pick to come straight to him once you possess a situation, as an alternative to speaking about it to every person else initially.

Arguments stick to a substantially much more constructive highway when respect is existing.

9. Do you battle precisely the same way? Everybody includes a favored way for fighting and it is crucial that you just as well as your substantial other are compatible in conflict resolution. It is going to not constantly be rainbows and butterflies and issues will come up.

If two many people favor to “fight” in absolutely opposite strategies, it could not do the job inside the extended run. Some individuals have to have to obtain heated, scream it out and say matters they’ll regret later on on to be able to truly feel understood.

Lots of people shut down entirely and want time for you to neat off and feel about elements, when many others desire to talk about the scenario right away and come to feel harm when their companion says he desires a while or area.

Lots of people need to have to sit down and also have lengthy discussions about just about every small detail of the problem prior to they come to feel more effective, though others would rather just forgive and neglect and move forward. It is very important to request your self the way you deal with conflicts together with the many people you adore.

ten. Does he challenge you? All also frequently, individuals grow to be complacent in relationships. Does your romantic relationship challenge you mentally, physically and intellectually? Do you are feeling as if you learn about from every other, expand with one particular one other and also have progressed each individually and collectively given that you may have been collectively?

The adore of one's daily life will fuel your passions to ensure that you may pursue the points you come across meaningful and can challenge you to discover new competencies the two of you can actually pursue with each other.

eleven. Is he fantastic on paper or is he really good in man or woman? Do you like HIM or even the Strategy of him? It is so simple to make a picture in the ideal guy, only to understand the man or woman in our minds does not exist. Be patient along with your heart and bear in mind of the emotions.

Should you be forcing it, justifying it or always trying to find approval for it, it may not be the best romantic relationship to suit your needs. Do not waste time seeking to make sense of the really enjoy, but rather, watch for the appreciate that only helps make sense. 

simpatia para atrair o homem amado

https://www.evernote.com/shard/s524/sh/4c709d89-f786-4277-ad4a-f49cfcec2e0e/794fed3cbb37da286e9518f599141be0

[gasriel-and-chara-dreemurr-blog]

Adore Him Or Depart Him?

Eleven Straightforward Inquiries To Inquire On your own About Your Romance

If you are like me, your women are your go-to. They provide style suggestions: “Seriously? That best with that skirt? No.” They provide exercise help and advice: “I believe if we get started performing two-a-days right up until the weekend, we’ll seem like Victoria’s Secret versions by Saturday.” Most significantly, they provide daily life tips: “Quit your occupation. Let’s be gypsies.”

Your women are greater than just buddies; these are your soul sisters. Regrettably, these are typically hopeless romantics and "Sex as well as the City"-addicted like zombies, so it may be difficult for them to aid you genuinely assess your latest relationships devoid of providing you with the black and white possibility to “love him or depart him.”

Thankfully to suit your needs, I'm ready to be the buddy you will need for when you have reached a romance fork during the street, or probably, just need a actuality check out in advance of generating the most effective (or perhaps, worst) selection of one's lifestyle.

I think in adore greater than I feel in something else during the globe. I also feel also many individuals settle simply because they do not request themselves the challenging issues they should really in advance of they make the “love him or depart him” determination.

Right here are these eleven queries:

one. Does he carry out the most effective in you? Many of us possess elegance and think it or not, many of us also possess unsightly. The individual with whom you select to devote the remainder of your existence need to magnify your strengths and stability out your weaknesses. He ought to make you're feeling like not just the perfect edition of on your own, however the truest edition, too.

If you ever needed to summarize on your own in just 5 attributes, what would you like them for being? Now, consider with regards to the attributes that your vital other brings out in you. Do they align? How would he describe you? Once the attributes you strive to possess come to be the attributes you possess, real harmony gets attainable.

two. Does he make you must be a greater person/friend/sister/employee? I’ve realized that once we come to feel fulfilled and accepted specifically as we're, we have a tendency to turned out to be far better versions of ourselves. Once we come to feel unappreciated and misunderstood, we struggle to exist as we're. Correct happiness fills hearts with a lot joy that it overflows to the relationships that surround us.

Have your relationships outdoors within the one particular together with your latest spouse flourished or suffered considering the fact that you have been collectively? The really like of the existence will want you to nurture relationships that happen to be very important for you rather then need your complete and undivided focus.

If you ever discover oneself skipping out on girls’ nights, missing your nephew’s t-ball video games and producing excuses for leaving household dinners early mainly because you have been produced to truly feel guilty for not paying all your time along with your vital other, it may be time for you to reassess.

three. Does he make the ordinary seem to be extraordinary? Every single particular person features a several viewpoint in the best date, the ideal solution to shell out a weekend and also a fantasy getaway location, but in regards to day-to-day pursuits, how can you shell out your time?

Do you investigate with each other, go on adventures with each other and, most significantly, get pleasure from carrying out every day duties collectively, this kind of as planning to the grocery retail outlet or folding your laundry?

Some may laugh at this query, however the rest of the existence can be a lengthy time for you to invest with an individual you do not take pleasure in carrying out the mundane with. It is astounding simply how much additional enjoyable “chores” could be when you find yourself executing them with a person you like.

four. Does he make you are feeling harmless? Even though it is wonderful to truly feel protected together with the comfort of beefy arms, the security to which I'm referring includes your emotions and feelings.

Does he make you're feeling safe and sound after you have to have to share one thing that is been in your thoughts, reassess a condition that took place at operate or while you just want a person to pay attention? Does he make you are feeling protected to chase your dreams and find your passions?

Women and men are incredibly numerous and have a tendency to manage feelings incredibly in a different way; yet, there is certainly a thing to become explained about a guy who chooses to pay attention, tries to know and safeguard your emotions.

five. Does he make you laugh? This might possibly be a single with the most critical queries. Daily life is way as well brief to shell out it currently being truly serious and there exists almost nothing superior than laughing right up until your abdomen cramps with someone that demonstrates a weirdness just like your own personal.

We're all weird and goofy and most of us possess the capability for being thoroughly hilarious within the eyes of somebody who appreciates our particular type of humor.

The bottom line is the fact that lifestyle is considerably better when you are laughing. What far better way for you to establish if you are using the best man or woman than to request by yourself, “Does he make me laugh?”

six. Do you get pleasure from speaking to him? We emphasis a lot for the location that we normally fail to discover each of the measures it took to arrive. The prime in the mountain could possibly be amazing, however the conversation over the hike up helps make the journey worthwhile.

Decide upon to invest your days with a person you may speak with about something and nonetheless come to feel as if there is even more left to say.

I continually really feel unhappy when I see a couple at a restaurant staring blankly at each and every other in silence, swirling their straws inside their glasses, as if there is actually practically nothing left to examine. Daily life is way as well prolonged to fill it with compact speak.

seven. Does he calm your storms or develop your storms? The like of the daily life will need to be your heart’s resting area. The security during the chaos, rainbow following the rain and also the particular person you understand you may depart feeling superior than if you commenced.

All also commonly, men and women get caught in relationships that make much more storms inside their lives and invest the entire romance wanting to calm them.

Existence is tricky adequate since it is. We shouldn’t really need to shell out our days in relationships that only make it more difficult. When you have had a undesirable day, to whom do you flip? After you cry, who wipes away the tears? The really like of the daily life should really commit a lot more time bringing sunshine in lieu of rain for your daily life. eight. Do you respect one particular one other? Respect is among the most significant attributes to get inside a partnership. In the event you respect another person, you'll probable not embarrass him in front of other folks.

Should you respect an individual, you might pick to come straight to him after you possess a dilemma, as an alternative to speaking about it to almost everyone else to begin with.

Arguments adhere to a a lot even more constructive highway when respect is current.

9. Do you battle the exact same way? Everybody includes a favored technique for fighting and it is crucial that you simply along with your major other are compatible in conflict resolution. It should not constantly be rainbows and butterflies and concerns will come up.

If two persons favor to “fight” in wholly opposite techniques, it might not function within the extended run. A number of people want to have heated, scream it out and say items they’ll regret later on on in an effort to come to feel understood.

Many people shut down thoroughly and have to have time for you to awesome off and feel about items, whilst other people have to have to go over the scenario without delay and truly feel harm when their companion says he desires a while or area.

A lot of people want to sit down and also have lengthy discussions about each small detail of the circumstance prior to they come to feel improved, despite the fact that others would rather just forgive and neglect and move forward. It is crucial to inquire on your own the way you deal with conflicts with all the folks you take pleasure in.

ten. Does he challenge you? All also commonly, consumers develop into complacent in relationships. Does your partnership challenge you mentally, physically and intellectually? Do you're feeling as if you discover from every other, develop with a single an alternative and also have progressed each individually and collectively due to the fact you could have been with each other?

The adore of one's lifestyle will fuel your passions to ensure you are able to pursue the matters you discover meaningful and can challenge you to understand new capabilities the two of you are able to pursue collectively.

eleven. Is he great on paper or is he beneficial in individual? Do you really enjoy HIM or even the Plan of him? It is so painless to produce a picture with the excellent guy, only to know the man or woman in our minds does not exist. Be patient along with your heart and bear in mind of one's emotions.

If you're forcing it, justifying it or always looking for approval for it, it may not be the correct connection to suit your needs. Really don't waste time endeavoring to make sense of the take pleasure in, but rather, watch for the really enjoy that merely helps make sense. 

simpatia para conquistar o homem amado

http://blog-de-todas-as-coisas.strikingly.com/blog/enjoy-him-or-depart-him-eleven-straightforward-concerns-to-request-oneself

[northamptoncouplestherapy]

Belgian psychotherapist Esther Perel once said, "None of us are married to just one person in our lives, even if we only marry one person." For those who have been married 40 years and beyond, this saying undoubtedly rings true. As partners change and grow, good marriages evolve.

We live in a culture that is richly informed by romantic concepts. However, the truth is that marriage is hard for even the most committed partners. We increasingly rely on our spouses to play a vast number of roles in our lives: friend, lover, co-parent and financial partner.

Playing all these roles is a lot to navigate and virtually guarantees  that you will not only hit bumps but also some craters along the way. When two people with separate histories come together, there will be periods where the best thing you can hope for is to find a way to coexist and a maintain a neutral stance towards one and other.

However, over time and with work, you and your spouse can grow together and even thrive. Science and relationship studies provide critical features of the roadmap that points to long-term success.

In the name of science and in honor of all those marriages that have surpassed the 40-year-mark and beyond, here are five tips for lasting success so that you can enjoy the different phases of evolution together. It is never too early to make use of them, even if you have just started your relationship’s journey.  

1.  Avoid The Comparison Level Alternatives Phenomenon

John Gottman, a recognized leader in the field of marital distress, first coined the phrase “comparison level alternatives” to describe the pattern in which we compare our life circumstances with an alternative, imagined scenario in the outside world.

For example, it’s quite normal to ask yourself questions like, “Am I happy in my career, or would I enjoy following a different path?” or “Am I really made for a life in the suburbs?” or“Should I consider a move to the city?”

When a marriage starts going on the rocks, however, you or your spouse might entertain more damaging comparisons or even enter into a marriage crisis.

You might say to yourself, "If I was married to so and so I’d be happier," or "If I had picked a different person, my life would be less lonely,” or, "Maybe if I were alone, my life would be better."

Research shows that comparison level alternatives are dangerous and potentially devastating to a marriage. They often manifest themselves in absorption of fantasies of freedom, or can lead to emotional and physical affairs. Avoid this insidious line of thinking at all costs.

When things get hard, try saying to yourself, “Part of being in a relationship is navigating troubled times, and I could be just as unhappy in another relationship. It might look different, but there would be difficulty and conflict all the same.”  More simply, you could remind yourself of the truism “out of the frying pan, into the fire.”

Instead of entertaining fantasies about some alternative life that doesn’t exist, choose your primary partner; committing to them in every way repeatedly. Spiritually. Emotionally. Mentally. Choose your spouse, again and again.

2. Adopt a Commitment Mindset

Committed spouses lean more towards realism than romanticism during challenging phases, and maintain an awareness that their needs will go unmet a certain percentage of time in the relationship. When asked for the secret behind her successful marriage to George Harrison, Olivia Harrison said, “It’s simple. Just don’t get divorced.”

A successful long-term marriage requires a bit of abandon. You must give up the notion that your spouse will make you feel completely satisfied all of the time. Refuse to view your role in the relationship as contingent on how your spouse makes you feel.

This is a type of mindset that manifests itself — not in a declaration of wedding vows — but in the way you show up for your spouse in the everyday, often mundane areas of life. There is something about an unwavering commitment that makes all other burdens easier to bear, and obstacles easier to surmount.

If you do allow your commitment to waver, on the other hand, you are more prone to abandoning the relationship when it goes through a period of not meeting your needs. Whether you do this physically, mentally or emotionally, you stop showing up in any meaningful way.

Instead, you start searching for the proverbial “Exit” sign.

3.  Build Your Relationship “Love Map” (& Continuously Redraw the Lines)

There is immense value in teaching your partner who you are and what makes you feel loved in return.

As humans, we can’t read one another’s minds. However, it’s vital to know what works for both of you and to act on that knowledge repeatedly. Otherwise, you can be building a self-centered marriage, instead of a functional relationship.

The philosophy of love languages--that your partner feels loved in particular ways and you should find those ways--goes part of the distance. But when they don’t see your specific love language and don’t speak it to you, a generosity of spirit can go just as far. Giving your partner the benefit of the doubt is an important stance when they may be too distracted to love you in the way you want.

During the first 3-5 years of a marriage, you are just developing this understanding and building your love maps — a concept originally developed by John Gottman to describe the process of getting to know your partner’s world intimately.

Ask yourself, what’s happening in your spouse’s world? What’s important to them? What makes their heart sing and/or sink? What romantic gestures do they long for, and how often do you satisfy those longings?

These love map questions are not answered once and for all. Partners headed for a golden anniversary will continue to ask them, revising their maps as they go, adding nuance at every opportunity.  A successful relationship is partly based on continued attention.

4. Avoid Turning to “Thirds” to Avoid Conflict

While we all need to talk about our problems from time to time, it’s important to be selective in what you say, to whom and how often.

In the world of couples therapy, involving others in your marital problems is what we call turning to “thirds.” It’s when you choose to talk to another about your relationship woes instead of your significant other.

Why is this an issue?

Well, for starters, it creates an immediate ripple effect. All of a sudden, you may have a one-sided jury of people who are rooting for you and will take your side no matter what (even if they shouldn’t). Your “jury” is hearing only one perspective of the issue and may align with you on partial evidence. They are likely to give you a level of confidence in the validity of your view that maybe you shouldn’t have.

Another dangerous aspect of turning to “thirds” is the clear conflict avoidance it displays. Whether from a lack of trust or one’s family of origin, some people are just more conflict-averse than others. However, avoidance never solves the most profound problems in a marriage and may exacerbate the issues.

Bringing your complaints to friends and family on a regular basis, no matter how well-intentioned they may be, can poison the well.

5. Support Your Partner in the Hard Times

Couples who have been married for decades have experienced many seasons of life together: births, graduations, deaths of family members, career moves and financial highs and lows.

With everything life can throw your way, it’s important to have someone by your side to hold your hand and share in the ups and downs.

Caring for yourself includes caring for your partner, knowing that their health and well being supports your own. However, if you have a partner who has not cared for you well, (or even become more of a burden than a benefit),  your trust in them may wane. Once the retirement years approach or age starts to take its toll, the stakes for marriage become even higher.

You don’t want to wind up wondering, "Wow, for the next 10, 15 or 20 years, I could be physically compromised. How well is my spouse going to support me through this time?”

The patterns of support you have experienced throughout your marriage will inform how you answer that question. Was your spouse there for you when you had a C-section or your shoulder operation? Were they there for you when you were laid-off from your job or lost your father unexpectedly?

If you have felt abandoned or neglected throughout your marriage, you will have an appreciable amount of trepidation concerning how much support you will receive as you age. And the same may go for your spouse.

One or both of you might be more inclined to say, “Life is short, and I have less of it left. I want to make the next 10 years count.”

This is especially true for if one spouse has worn the hat of caretaker throughout your marriage. They will likely experience burnout. So, if one or both of you are diagnosed with a chronic illness, it just might be the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.  

In old age, things don’t necessarily become easier. So, pay attention to how you support your spouse now and make every effort to acknowledge the ways you might have missed the mark in the past. This is a step to doing it better in the future.

A marriage that lasts decades requires a committed mindset. It asks each spouse to give equal regard to the others’ thoughts, opinions, and values. And, as you age, it will necessitate even deeper levels of trust and support.

If you and your spouse need a little help adapting to this new stage of your marriage or want to find new ways to approach conflict, our couples therapists have over 100 collective years of experience treating couples and spouses.

From the Gottman Method to Emotionally Focused Therapy, we apply science-based methodologies to our marriage therapy.

We offer weekly therapy and private, intensive 2-Day and 3-Day Belgian psychotherapist Esther Perel once said, "None of us are married to just one person in our lives, even if we only marry one person." For those who have been married 40 years and beyond, this saying undoubtedly rings true. As partners change and grow, good marriages evolve.

We live in a culture that is richly informed by romantic concepts. However, the truth is that marriage is hard for even the most committed partners. We increasingly rely on our spouses to play a vast number of roles in our lives: friend, lover, co-parent and financial partner.

Playing all these roles is a lot to navigate and virtually guarantees  that you will not only hit bumps but also some craters along the way. When two people with separate histories come together, there will be periods where the best thing you can hope for is to find a way to coexist and a maintain a neutral stance towards one and other.

However, over time and with work, you and your spouse can grow together and even thrive. Science and relationship studies provide critical features of the roadmap that points to long-term success.

In the name of science and in honor of all those marriages that have surpassed the 40-year-mark and beyond, here are five tips for lasting success so that you can enjoy the different phases of evolution together. It is never too early to make use of them, even if you have just started your relationship’s journey.  

1.  Avoid The Comparison Level Alternatives Phenomenon

John Gottman, a recognized leader in the field of marital distress, first coined the phrase “comparison level alternatives” to describe the pattern in which we compare our life circumstances with an alternative, imagined scenario in the outside world.

For example, it’s quite normal to ask yourself questions like, “Am I happy in my career, or would I enjoy following a different path?” or “Am I really made for a life in the suburbs?” or“Should I consider a move to the city?”

When a marriage starts going on the rocks, however, you or your spouse might entertain more damaging comparisons or even enter into a marriage crisis.

You might say to yourself, "If I was married to so and so I’d be happier," or "If I had picked a different person, my life would be less lonely,” or, "Maybe if I were alone, my life would be better."

Research shows that comparison level alternatives are dangerous and potentially devastating to a marriage. They often manifest themselves in absorption of fantasies of freedom, or can lead to emotional and physical affairs. Avoid this insidious line of thinking at all costs.

When things get hard, try saying to yourself, “Part of being in a relationship is navigating troubled times, and I could be just as unhappy in another relationship. It might look different, but there would be difficulty and conflict all the same.”  More simply, you could remind yourself of the truism “out of the frying pan, into the fire.”

Instead of entertaining fantasies about some alternative life that doesn’t exist, choose your primary partner; committing to them in every way repeatedly. Spiritually. Emotionally. Mentally. Choose your spouse, again and again.

2. Adopt a Commitment Mindset

Committed spouses lean more towards realism than romanticism during challenging phases, and maintain an awareness that their needs will go unmet a certain percentage of time in the relationship. When asked for the secret behind her successful marriage to George Harrison, Olivia Harrison said, “It’s simple. Just don’t get divorced.”

A successful long-term marriage requires a bit of abandon. You must give up the notion that your spouse will make you feel completely satisfied all of the time. Refuse to view your role in the relationship as contingent on how your spouse makes you feel.

This is a type of mindset that manifests itself — not in a declaration of wedding vows — but in the way you show up for your spouse in the everyday, often mundane areas of life. There is something about an unwavering commitment that makes all other burdens easier to bear, and obstacles easier to surmount.

If you do allow your commitment to waver, on the other hand, you are more prone to abandoning the relationship when it goes through a period of not meeting your needs. Whether you do this physically, mentally or emotionally, you stop showing up in any meaningful way.

Instead, you start searching for the proverbial “Exit” sign.

3.  Build Your Relationship “Love Map” (& Continuously Redraw the Lines)

There is immense value in teaching your partner who you are and what makes you feel loved in return.

As humans, we can’t read one another’s minds. However, it’s vital to know what works for both of you and to act on that knowledge repeatedly. Otherwise, you can be building a self-centered marriage, instead of a functional relationship.

The philosophy of love languages--that your partner feels loved in particular ways and you should find those ways--goes part of the distance. But when they don’t see your specific love language and don’t speak it to you, a generosity of spirit can go just as far. Giving your partner the benefit of the doubt is an important stance when they may be too distracted to love you in the way you want.

During the first 3-5 years of a marriage, you are just developing this understanding and building your love maps — a concept originally developed by John Gottman to describe the process of getting to know your partner’s world intimately.

Ask yourself, what’s happening in your spouse’s world? What’s important to them? What makes their heart sing and/or sink? What romantic gestures do they long for, and how often do you satisfy those longings?

These love map questions are not answered once and for all. Partners headed for a golden anniversary will continue to ask them, revising their maps as they go, adding nuance at every opportunity.  A successful relationship is partly based on continued attention.

4. Avoid Turning to “Thirds” to Avoid Conflict

While we all need to talk about our problems from time to time, it’s important to be selective in what you say, to whom and how often.

In the world of couples therapy, involving others in your marital problems is what we call turning to “thirds.” It’s when you choose to talk to another about your relationship woes instead of your significant other.

Why is this an issue?

Well, for starters, it creates an immediate ripple effect. All of a sudden, you may have a one-sided jury of people who are rooting for you and will take your side no matter what (even if they shouldn’t). Your “jury” is hearing only one perspective of the issue and may align with you on partial evidence. They are likely to give you a level of confidence in the validity of your view that maybe you shouldn’t have.

Another dangerous aspect of turning to “thirds” is the clear conflict avoidance it displays. Whether from a lack of trust or one’s family of origin, some people are just more conflict-averse than others. However, avoidance never solves the most profound problems in a marriage and may exacerbate the issues.

Bringing your complaints to friends and family on a regular basis, no matter how well-intentioned they may be, can poison the well.

5. Support Your Partner in the Hard Times

Couples who have been married for decades have experienced many seasons of life together: births, graduations, deaths of family members, career moves and financial highs and lows.

With everything life can throw your way, it’s important to have someone by your side to hold your hand and share in the ups and downs.

Caring for yourself includes caring for your partner, knowing that their health and well being supports your own. However, if you have a partner who has not cared for you well, (or even become more of a burden than a benefit),  your trust in them may wane. Once the retirement years approach or age starts to take its toll, the stakes for marriage become even higher.

You don’t want to wind up wondering, "Wow, for the next 10, 15 or 20 years, I could be physically compromised. How well is my spouse going to support me through this time?”

The patterns of support you have experienced throughout your marriage will inform how you answer that question. Was your spouse there for you when you had a C-section or your shoulder operation? Were they there for you when you were laid-off from your job or lost your father unexpectedly?

If you have felt abandoned or neglected throughout your marriage, you will have an appreciable amount of trepidation concerning how much support you will receive as you age. And the same may go for your spouse.

One or both of you might be more inclined to say, “Life is short, and I have less of it left. I want to make the next 10 years count.”

This is especially true for if one spouse has worn the hat of caretaker throughout your marriage. They will likely experience burnout. So, if one or both of you are diagnosed with a chronic illness, it just might be the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.  

In old age, things don’t necessarily become easier. So, pay attention to how you support your spouse now and make every effort to acknowledge the ways you might have missed the mark in the past. This is a step to doing it better in the future.

A marriage that lasts decades requires a committed mindset. It asks each spouse to give equal regard to the others’ thoughts, opinions, and values. And, as you age, it will necessitate even deeper levels of trust and support.

If you and your spouse need a little help adapting to this new stage of your marriage or want to find new ways to approach conflict, our couples therapists have over 100 collective years of experience treating couples and spouses.

From the Gottman Method to Emotionally Focused Therapy, we apply science-based methodologies to our marriage therapy.

We offer weekly therapy and private, intensive 2-Day and 3-Day couples retreats as well as new extended hours and a growing team of couples therapists to meet increasing demand for expert, research-based couples therapy. as well as new extended hours and a growing team of couples therapists to meet increasing demand for expert, research-based couples therapy.

Like what you’ve read? Sign up to receive my musings filled with heart, concrete tools, and cutting edge resources via my blog: Loving Well.

[rachelbelitardoblog]

Really like Him Or Depart Him?

Eleven Sincere Issues To Inquire By yourself About Your Connection

If you are like me, your women are your go-to. They provide vogue recommendations: “Seriously? That leading with that skirt? No.” They provide work out information: “I believe if we start out carrying out two-a-days until eventually the weekend, we’ll seem like Victoria’s Secret designs by Saturday.” Most significantly, they provide existence recommendations: “Quit your task. Let’s be gypsies.”

Your women are a lot more than just acquaintances; they are really your soul sisters. However, these are typically hopeless romantics and "Sex and also the City"-addicted take pleasure in zombies, so it may be very hard for them to assist you certainly assess your recent relationships with no supplying you with the black and white selection to “love him or depart him.”

Thankfully for you personally, I'm prepared to be the buddy you'll need for when you have reached a partnership fork within the street, or maybe, just desire a actuality check out just before generating the very best (or quite possibly, worst) selection of the existence.

I think in really like greater than I think in something else during the planet. I also think also many of us settle considering that they do not inquire themselves the hard queries they should certainly in advance of they make the “love him or depart him” selection.

Right here are these eleven concerns:

one. Does he deliver out the top in you? Most of us possess elegance and feel it or not, many of us also possess unsightly. The individual with whom you select to shell out the remainder of your lifestyle must magnify your strengths and stability out your weaknesses. He need to make you are feeling like not just the top edition of on your own, however the truest edition, at the same time.

In case you needed to summarize your self in just 5 attributes, what would you like them to become? Now, imagine regarding the attributes that your major other brings out in you. Do they align? How would he describe you? Once the attributes you strive to possess grow to be the characteristics you possess, accurate harmony gets feasible.

two. Does he make you wish to be a greater person/friend/sister/employee? I’ve realized that once we come to feel fulfilled and accepted specifically as we're, we have a tendency to turn into greater versions of ourselves. Whenever we truly feel unappreciated and misunderstood, we struggle to exist as we're. Real happiness fills hearts with a lot joy that it overflows in to the relationships that surround us.

Have your relationships outdoors in the a single along with your recent spouse flourished or suffered considering that you have been collectively? The adore of one's daily life will want you to nurture relationships which have been necessary for you as opposed to need your complete and undivided interest.

In case you come across by yourself skipping out on girls’ nights, missing your nephew’s t-ball video games and building excuses for leaving relatives dinners early considering that you have been created to truly feel guilty for not paying all your time along with your considerable other, it could possibly be time for you to reassess.

three. Does he make the ordinary look extraordinary? Each and every particular person features a distinctive view of your suitable date, the ideal approach to shell out a weekend as well as a fantasy holiday location, but in relation to day-to-day routines, how can you commit your time?

Do you investigate collectively, go on adventures with each other and, most significantly, delight in executing daily duties with each other, this kind of as likely to the grocery retail outlet or folding your laundry?

Some may laugh at this query, however the rest of the lifestyle may be a lengthy time for you to shell out with somebody you really do not take pleasure in engaging in the mundane with. It is astounding just how much far more exciting “chores” could very well be when you find yourself carrying out them with a person you really like.

four. Does he make you're feeling safe and sound? Although it is good to come to feel protected using the comfort of beefy arms, the security to which I'm referring will involve your emotions and feelings.

Does he make you are feeling protected after you need to have to share a little something that is been in your thoughts, reassess a problem that occurred at operate or as soon as you just need to have another person to pay attention? Does he make you're feeling safe and sound to chase your dreams and find out your passions?

Women and men are extremely unique and have a tendency to cope with feelings extremely in a different way; even so, there may be a little something for being explained about a guy who chooses to pay attention, tries to know and secure your emotions.

five. Does he make you laugh? This may possibly be one particular in the most significant issues. Existence is way also quick to invest it staying really serious and there may be absolutely nothing far better than laughing right up until your abdomen cramps with somebody who demonstrates a weirdness just like your own personal.

We're all weird and goofy and many of us possess the capability to get fully hilarious from the eyes of someone that appreciates our particular type of humor.

The bottom line is the fact that existence is superior when you are laughing. What considerably better method to decide if you are with all the proper man or woman than to inquire on your own, “Does he make me laugh?”

six. Do you get pleasure from speaking to him? We target a lot over the location that we normally fail to discover each of the procedures it took to arrive. The best with the mountain may well be lovely, however the conversation over the hike up helps make the journey worthwhile.

Select to shell out your days with anyone you'll be able to speak with about something and nevertheless truly feel as if there is additional left to say.

I usually truly feel unhappy when I see a couple at a restaurant staring blankly at just about every other in silence, swirling their straws inside their glasses, as if there is genuinely almost nothing left to examine. Lifestyle is way as well prolonged to fill it with little speak.

seven. Does he calm your storms or develop your storms? The appreciate of the existence must be your heart’s resting location. The security during the chaos, rainbow following the rain as well as individual you recognize you are going to depart feeling considerably better than any time you started off.

All as well typically, consumers get caught in relationships that establish a lot more storms within their lives and devote the entire partnership endeavoring to calm them.

Lifestyle is difficult adequate because it is. We shouldn’t really need to shell out our days in relationships that only make it tougher. When you have had a awful day, to whom do you flip? While you cry, who wipes away the tears? The take pleasure in of the lifestyle should certainly devote alot more time bringing sunshine other than rain for your daily life. eight. Do you respect a single one more? Respect is probably the most significant characteristics to possess within a romance. For those who respect an individual, you can very likely not embarrass him in front of other people.

If you ever respect anyone, you'll opt for to come straight to him once you possess a situation, instead of speaking about it to everybody else primary.

Arguments observe a a lot extra constructive highway when respect is existing.

9. Do you battle exactly the same way? All people features a favored way for fighting and it is crucial that you just as well as your major other are compatible in conflict resolution. It will eventually not continually be rainbows and butterflies and difficulties will come up.

If two folks want to “fight” in fully opposite tactics, it might not get the job done while in the prolonged run. Many people desire to obtain heated, scream it out and say factors they’ll regret later on on as a way to come to feel understood.

A number of people shut down wholly and demand time for you to interesting off and feel about issues, despite the fact that some others need to have to talk about the circumstance quickly and truly feel harm when their spouse says he requires a while or room.

A number of people desire to sit down and also have lengthy discussions about every single small detail of the condition just before they really feel superior, whilst others would rather just forgive and fail to remember and move forward. It is essential to inquire on your own the way you deal with conflicts together with the men and women you really like.

ten. Does he challenge you? All as well regularly, men and women turned out to be complacent in relationships. Does your romantic relationship challenge you mentally, physically and intellectually? Do you are feeling as if you find out from every other, develop with one particular one more and also have progressed each individually and collectively considering that you might have been with each other?

The really like of one's daily life will fuel your passions in order that you can actually pursue the matters you discover meaningful and can challenge you to find out new competencies the two of you possibly can pursue with each other.

eleven. Is he really good on paper or is he very good in individual? Do you adore HIM or even the Concept of him? It is so very easy to make a picture in the wonderful guy, only to understand the particular person in our minds does not exist. Be patient along with your heart and bear in mind of one's emotions.

For anybody who is forcing it, justifying it or consistently in search of approval for it, it may not be the ideal romantic relationship to suit your needs. Do not waste time attempting to make sense of one's really enjoy, but rather, watch for the take pleasure in that just helps make sense. 

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https://www.caringbridge.org/visit/omundodoscursosdigitais13/journal/view/id/5a613bd1039023203ac7d38a

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Enjoy Him Or Depart Him?

Eleven Trustworthy Issues To Request On your own About Your Romantic relationship

If you are like me, your ladies are your go-to. They provide trend tips: “Seriously? That prime with that skirt? No.” They provide work out tips: “I consider if we begin accomplishing two-a-days until finally the weekend, we’ll seem like Victoria’s Secret versions by Saturday.” Most significantly, they provide lifestyle suggestions: “Quit your occupation. Let’s be gypsies.”

Your women are greater than just associates; they're your soul sisters. Sadly, they're generally hopeless romantics and "Sex plus the City"-addicted adore zombies, so it could be very hard for them to assist you genuinely assess your latest relationships while not supplying you with the black and white solution to “love him or depart him.”

Thankfully for you personally, I'm ready to be the pal you will need for when you have reached a romance fork during the street, or probably, just need a actuality check out just before generating the ideal (or probably, worst) selection of the existence.

I feel in take pleasure in greater than I think in anything at all else during the globe. I also think as well some people settle mainly because they do not inquire themselves the hard inquiries they need to just before they make the “love him or depart him” selection.

Right here are individuals eleven issues:

one. Does he carry out the perfect in you? All of us possess attractiveness and think it or not, most of us also possess unsightly. The man or woman with whom you select to shell out the remainder of your lifestyle ought to magnify your strengths and stability out your weaknesses. He will need to make you are feeling like not simply the right model of on your own, however the truest model, too.

Should you needed to summarize by yourself in just 5 characteristics, what would you like them to become? Now, assume regarding the characteristics that your sizeable other brings out in you. Do they align? How would he describe you? Once the attributes you strive to get turned out to be the attributes you possess, real harmony gets feasible.

two. Does he make you should be a much better person/friend/sister/employee? I’ve discovered that once we truly feel fulfilled and accepted precisely as we're, we have a tendency to end up more effective versions of ourselves. Once we really feel unappreciated and misunderstood, we struggle to exist as we're. Correct happiness fills hearts with a lot joy that it overflows in to the relationships that surround us.

Have your relationships outdoors from the 1 along with your recent spouse flourished or suffered considering you have been with each other? The like of the existence will want you to nurture relationships which are necessary for you other than need your complete and undivided focus.

In case you come across your self skipping out on girls’ nights, missing your nephew’s t-ball video games and producing excuses for leaving relatives dinners early since you have been created to truly feel guilty for not paying all your time along with your important other, it may be time for you to reassess.

three. Does he make the ordinary appear extraordinary? Every single particular person includes a distinct viewpoint on the excellent date, an ideal way for you to invest a weekend along with a fantasy getaway location, but with regards to day-to-day routines, how can you shell out your time?

Do you discover collectively, go on adventures collectively and, most significantly, love executing every day duties with each other, this kind of as likely to the grocery shop or folding your laundry?

Some may well laugh at this query, however the rest of the existence is actually a lengthy time for you to invest with somebody you do not delight in undertaking the mundane with. It is astounding simply how much far more entertaining “chores” might be when you find yourself doing them with anyone you appreciate.

four. Does he make you are feeling secure? Whereas it is wonderful to truly feel protected using the comfort of beefy arms, the security to which I'm referring calls for your emotions and feelings.

Does he make you're feeling risk-free any time you want to share a little something that is been in your thoughts, reassess a condition that occurred at perform or once you just desire another person to pay attention? Does he make you're feeling risk-free to chase your dreams and find your passions?

Women and men are extremely diverse and have a tendency to manage feelings pretty in a different way; nonetheless, there's one thing to become stated about a guy who chooses to pay attention, tries to know and shield your emotions.

five. Does he make you laugh? This may perhaps be 1 in the most critical inquiries. Lifestyle is way also quick to shell out it staying really serious and there may be nothing at all much better than laughing until finally your abdomen cramps with somebody that demonstrates a weirdness just like your individual.

We're all weird and goofy and most of us possess the capability to become totally hilarious within the eyes of somebody that appreciates our particular type of humor.

The bottom line is the fact that daily life is far better when you are laughing. What greater method to discover if you are together with the proper man or woman than to inquire oneself, “Does he make me laugh?”

six. Do you love speaking to him? We concentrate a lot within the location that we frequently fail to discover all the ways it took to arrive. The best with the mountain may well be amazing, however the conversation to the hike up helps make the journey worthwhile.

Opt for to devote your days with somebody you may speak to about something and even now come to feel as if there is far more left to say.

I often come to feel unhappy when I see a couple at a restaurant staring blankly at just about every other in silence, swirling their straws within their glasses, as if there is certainly nothing at all left to examine. Daily life is way as well extended to fill it with modest speak.

seven. Does he calm your storms or produce your storms? The appreciate of one's existence really should be your heart’s resting area. The security inside the chaos, rainbow following the rain as well as the man or woman you realize you can depart feeling considerably better than whenever you commenced.

All as well normally, individuals get caught in relationships that develop extra storms inside their lives and devote the entire partnership wanting to calm them.

Daily life is very hard adequate because it is. We shouldn’t must shell out our days in relationships that only make it more difficult. When you have had a lousy day, to whom do you flip? Whenever you cry, who wipes away the tears? The adore of the lifestyle must invest even more time bringing sunshine as opposed to rain for your existence. eight. Do you respect 1 a different? Respect is amongst the most critical attributes to possess within a romance. For those who respect somebody, you can expect to probable not embarrass him in front of many others.

In the event you respect anyone, you'll decide to come straight to him after you possess a dilemma, other than discussing it to every person else to start with.

Arguments adhere to a substantially much more constructive highway when respect is existing.

9. Do you battle the identical way? Anyone includes a favored strategy for fighting and it is critical you along with your substantial other are compatible in conflict resolution. It'll not consistently be rainbows and butterflies and troubles will come up.

If two folks desire to “fight” in totally opposite strategies, it could not get the job done from the lengthy run. Some individuals require to obtain heated, scream it out and say points they’ll regret later on on for you to really feel understood.

Lots of people shut down absolutely and require time for you to awesome off and consider about items, when other individuals demand to talk about the scenario straight away and come to feel harm when their companion says he desires a while or room.

Some individuals demand to sit down and also have lengthy discussions about just about every small detail of the condition ahead of they truly feel superior, whereas others would rather just forgive and fail to remember and move forward. It is very important to inquire your self the way you manage conflicts using the men and women you take pleasure in.

ten. Does he challenge you? All also generally, folks develop into complacent in relationships. Does your romantic relationship challenge you mentally, physically and intellectually? Do you are feeling as if you discover from every other, increase with one particular an additional and also have progressed each individually and with each other seeing that you've got been collectively?

The really enjoy of the lifestyle will fuel your passions to ensure that you can actually pursue the important things you get meaningful and can challenge you to understand new competencies the two of you are able to pursue with each other.

eleven. Is he really good on paper or is he great in individual? Do you adore HIM or even the Strategy of him? It is so uncomplicated to produce a picture on the most suitable guy, only to notice the individual in our minds does not exist. Be patient along with your heart and bear in mind of the emotions.

For anybody who is forcing it, justifying it or continuously searching for approval for it, it may not be the appropriate connection to suit your needs. Do not waste time attempting to make sense of one's really like, but rather, watch for the really enjoy that only tends to make sense. 

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https://www.dailystrength.org/journals/take-pleasure-in-him-or-depart-him-eleven-truthful-issues-to-req