#lucanis is still refusing to live!!!

[drownedkiwi]

And if I said lucanis's and spites major conflict comes from lucanis shutting down and refusing to experience life out of fear. That lucanis not fulfilling their deal is out of refusing to live and not revenge. That spite desperately wants lucanis to live. What then

[corvus-frugilegus]

The real tragedy of the Dellamortes is how inevitable Illario's betrayal was.

Caterina's refusal to really see either of her grandsons for who they are sets all three of them on this path. Lucanis's mother was Caterina's favourite, she was probably the person Caterina had in mind to succeed her. That loss, the loss of so much of Caterina's legacy had to have been devastating. She'd built so much and it was all torn away in a single conflict. All she has left in the wake of it is two young boys and this tenacity that will not allow her to give up on what she's built.

So she puts it all on Lucanis. The son of her favourite (bonus angst if he looks like his mother). She's unable to see this sweet boy who loves wyverns and just had his life ripped apart for who he is. She just see's her legacy. The daughter she lost. She puts it all into him, he's pushed into the role of favourite.

Lucanis responds to this by shoving down the parts of himself she doesn't want to see- his gentle heart, his love of wyverns, the little boy who needs to be loved. If he's good enough, strong enough, the perfect crow, the perfect granson- then and only then will she love him, will he be safe.

And then you have Illario! There isn't as much to go on in the text about his family or what he was like as a boy but there's a few things we can pretty confidently infer. Like Lucanis, Illario violently loses everything he has at a very young age. All he has left are the other two Dellamorte's.

But he isn't the child of Caterina's favourite. She isn't automatically putting all of her legacy on his shoulders the way she does Lucanis. He still gets the training, and what we do see in the wigmaker job and the wake and even in the codex entires in the game is that Illario does become a comptent and capable crow. He has a level of skill that I suspect is broadly expected of house Dellamorte, he was trained by the first talon herself. But the Illario we meet as an adult has this laissez-faire affect and presents himself as a seducer and a bit of a peakcock. He also very overtly refers to himself as Dellamorte-the-lesser and at the end of the wigmaker job when they're discussing the title of first talon you can feel the resentment below the surface.

For Illario it's not about the power and the prestige that comes from the title of first talon. It's not even about having the title itself. It's about FINALLY earning Caterina's love and respect. Things he undoubtly never felt as a boy.

How could he? When he's a child the only two people he has left in the world have this special bond that he never gets to be a part of. His only caretaker has a clear favourite and she shows it. He's lived his whole life in Lucanis's shadow, and a shadow that Lucanis never wanted to cast! Which if anything just adds insult to injury for Illario.

Lucanis has everything Illario wants and he doesn't even want it.

I imagine as a boy Illario tries SO HARD to win her love, her favour, he'll do anything to feel like he's loved and wanted and valued. And when after YEARS it doesn't work even though Lucanis clearly doesn't want the role he's been forced into? Illario gets resentful, he gets angry, he starts acting up. He becomes the suave peacock, the grandson who fucks up sometimes- probably not because he's bad at being a crow but because at least Caterina's ire is attention. It's a scrap of love.

Illario and Lucanis love each other. They're brothers. Illario resents Lucanis for being loved and favoured. Lucanis wants nothing more than to give it all to Illario. Illario doesn't want that he wants Caterina to love him on his own merit. At the same time (pre-inner demons) Lucanis will never actually give the title up because it means he's loved, he's valued, he matters.

The title of first talon has been synonymous with emotional safety and love for these two for their entire lives, and it's twisted them up so badly.

The real irony of it all is that this whole time Illario is so much more like the person Caterina wants Lucanis to be. Her heir, the Dellamorte best suited to be the next first talon has been right there infront of her all along, but she's so caught up in grief and legacy she misses it. She never really see's either of her grandsons for who they are.

I actually suspect that when it all comes to light, even though she's furious with him, Caterina finally starts to see what she's been overlooking in Illario all along. And Lucanis who's started to heal... well I think she's starting to see him too, and the truth of who he is is something she'll struggle to face.

When the day finally comes that Lucanis tells her he doesn't want the job, when him and Illario both accept that their lives have meaning outside of Caterina's opinion of them, is the day that the Dellamorte's can maybe start to really see each other.

[dalishious]

Lucanis and Family

House Dellamorte is so gloriously messy. You don’t get to achieve and keep the seat of First Talon without getting your hands dirty…. and unfortunately, without a great deal of loss.

Caterina

Caterina Dellamorte had five children and eight grandchildren. Lucanis’s mother was her favourite; she gave his mother her opal ring as a show of that favour. But House Velardo killed Lucanis’s parents and sent the ring back to Caterina to demand she surrender the seat of First Talon. When she refused to submit, a war of succession broke out amongst the Crows. House Dellamorte remained First Talon, but at great cost – the only surviving family Caterina had left was two of her grandchildren, Lucanis and Illario.

Lucanis says he and Illario lived in Villa Dellamorte with Caterina until they were eighteen. While he says they would have ended up under Caterina’s care regardless for training, they were taken in by her early after their parents were killed by House Velardo.

In the Tevinter Nights story, The Wigmaker Job, Lucanis reflects on the following:

“Memories of sweat-filled days without food or water came unbidden. Lucanis’s back tingled from where his grandmother’s cane had bruised his flesh for letting his guard down or fumbling his footwork. For years, he’d hated her. But his time as a Master Assassin had since taught Lucanis that Caterina’s cruelty was her way of making sure that he was prepared for this life—that he survived.”

And if Rook is a Crow, they share this dialogue:

Rook: What was it like? Training under the First Talon?

Lucanis: What was your training like?

Rook: Torture.

Lucanis: There you go.

Rook: But you didn't resent her?

Lucanis: Not anymore.

Thus, it makes sense that in Lucanis’s mind prison, Spite describes Caterina as “tenderness and terror.” She is his grandmother, and he has always been her favourite, as he acknowledges. I do not doubt that she showed affection for him, but unfortunately it also came with cruelty.

While I do not wish to defend Caterina’s actions, I do think it is important to contextualize them with a reminder that she is a woman who lost her entire family. I really do believe that Lucanis is correct in his assessment that Caterina torturing her grandchildren was her way of making sure they would survive, where their parents did not. Because unfortunately, she is also someone who clearly cares about maintaining her power, and was not willing to sacrifice it for the good of her family’s wellbeing. She wanted to have both power and family, and Lucanis and Illario suffered for it.

Illario

I truly do have sympathy for Illario, despite all the terrible things he’s done.

First of all, remember that all Lucanis went through, Illario also went through. But unlike Lucanis, I don’t think Illario has ever really fully forgiven Caterina. In The Wigmaker Job, he comments, “All that effort training and grooming us, and the old woman still won’t step aside.” Illario doesn’t see the point of been groomed as he was, and doesn’t excuse Caterina like Lucanis does. Probably because no matter what, he’s always been treated as the lesser one.

The saddest thing about Illario though is, in my opinion, that the only way he would have ever actually gained Caterina’s respect is if he really did kill her. Lucanis says he believes as such to Emmrich in party banter. But he couldn’t even do that right. He’s such a fuck-up and I love him.

Lucanis

Lucanis’s mind prison offers more insight in how he sees Caterina… and himself.

When you approach Caterina in the mind prison, she is angry that Lucanis is an abomination, and Rook is able to observe that Lucanis fears he has disappointed her. Spite comments, “Old stale fear of disappointment.” As the favourite child of an abusive parent myself, I can tell you right now I really relate to this sentiment of thinking you need to be perfect in order to keep your favouritism, because they make you feel like you owe that to them.

When you approach Illario in the mind prison, the first thing Illario says is that Rook is too good to be wasting time with Lucanis. He also says that Lucanis will fill his mind prison with corpses. Because that’s how Lucanis has traditionally seen himself, I think; as someone who’s only importance is that he’s a good killer. It’s how Caterina raised him. But now that he’s had a taste of more with the Veilguard, he’s terrified to lose it. Spite says that there are three kinds of people: “Family. Enemies. Contracts.” But the Veilguard has shown Lucanis that he can have friends, too. (And potentially a lover if Rook romances him, or he gets with Neve.)

Average families can be complicated. Assassin families, apparently even more so. I think a crucial part of Lucanis’s character is that he values his family so strongly. He no longer resents Caterina for how she raised him and Illario. He is unwilling to kill Illario, even though Illario made it clear that he would not have spared Lucanis in return. Because they are cousins who were more like brothers, and that means something to Lucanis. After all, as one of the notes found in his mind prison says, “So few of us left…”

-----

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[trialsofthedas]

SPOILERS FOR VEILGUARD —>

For those of you who have played and/or watched the scene that takes place after the dragon attack if you are a crow!rook who chose to save minrathous, you know this little line Viago throws at you?

“Because you always think of something. You always do. Except this time.”

Once again, I’m asking you guys to think about Lucanis having to tell Viago that rook is missing post-tearstone island. Because they don’t know where Rook is. They don’t even know if Rook is alive. All they know is they killed one of the gods, they did it, but the smoke cleared and solas is free but Rook is gone. and it’s WEEKS according to that Bellara romance scene.

Viago refuses to believe Rook is gone. Not Rook. Not the stubborn little idiot who had more lives than the feral street cats of treviso they so loved to pet. Not the little crow who spent years following Viago around with one hand always fisted in his cape until it was beat out of them to not show that kind of weakness. Not the little scrap of a being that succeeded for always being quick, but fell for their mouth that ran that much quicker. Not Rook, who he sent away to learn patience, to get them out of the hot seat and away from the other houses who wanted their head. Rook, who fought and won against gods and dragons and the blight. Not a crow who always completes their contract. Not Rook who was supposed to come home.

Not Rook. So Viago refuses to believe it. The first few days he clings so hard to the mantra. “Rook always thinks of something.” And they will come back and laugh and laugh and laugh at how worried Viago was and Viago will sigh and ring their neck and slip poison into their food to make sure they’ve been keeping up with their daily antivenoms— and Rook will be there.

But those days turn into a week, and then into two, and Viago hasn’t received any update from this so called ‘veilguard’ and all of the sudden “Rook always thinks of something.” is crumbling because what if this is the exception? this is the “except this time.” Because it is always until it’s not. and there is no time to truly mourn is there? there is still one god left to slay and very little time left to do it.

And Viago will fight. The loss of his… the loss to House de Riva is felt, but Viago is a professional. His wings are not clipped. ( his feathers are broken, hard shafts digging in and pulling blood from oozing cuts. they need clipped, groomed, removed. but his wings still work. they just hurt. ) He will finish this contract, in their name if nothing else.

But Viago let himself forget. “Rook always thinks of something.” And he let himself doubt and underestimate when he swore he would never be caught by those things again. but maybe this once, it’s okay. it’s okay because Rook stands in front of him, alive. Broken, but alive.

because a Crow always completes their contract, and a Rook will always come home to bother Viago.

Until they don’t

[thegeminisage]

origins-style conclave quest where instead of picking the next king of orzammar you have to help pick the next first talon after caterina dies. who is your rook throwing their weight behind?

lucanis dellamorte: caterina's flesh and blood and chosen successor. has the necessary skills to do the job passably but emphatically does not want it, which may affect how well he does. from a crow house with only like 2 people left in it. well-known weakness: illario, which may put a giant target on both their backs. other weakness: he is a known abomination, which makes him and spite a package deal. being an bomination would make him hard to kill, but it would also make a lot of the religious types really REALLY want to kill him.

illario dellamorte: also caterina's flesh and blood but she hated him. little bit of a disaster, but would have schemed his way into it with surprising cleverness had zara actually killed lucanis like she promised to. great at lying; even lucanis said illario was better than he thought. also from a crow house with only 2 people left in it. wants the job REAL bad but maybe only because of grandmommy issues, so who knows if he'd actually put effort into it or not. did kind of betray the entire country of antiva, which would DEFINITELY put a giant target on his back.

viago de riva: bastard man (honorific) who wants the job so so so bad and would be RUTHLESSLY good at it, bringing a kind of strength to the crows they haven't seen in awhile, but he definitely only wants it because of his daddy issues (he is the king's bastard and being first talon would make him more powerful than the king). would one hundo percent ditch the job to pull a coup in the future if he spotted a good opportunity. well-known weakness: teia, which may put a giant target on both THEIR backs. counterpoint: she can take care of herself though.

teia cantori: pretty compassionate as far as assassins go, has a strong sense of right and wrong, and would probably reform the crows to make them less horrible as she is probably genuinely a good person. this combined with her being an elf would piss pretty much every single other crow who ever lived off which would put a huge target on HER back. however, this is probably the only person you could put in this seat that viago would NOT try to kill...in fact, he'd probably help protect her even though he, again, REALLY wants the job for himself. his ambitions would be shelved in favor of being teia's boytoy for the rest of his life.

rook de riva: available only to crow rook players, only you can know how good of a job your de riva rook would do and what direction they would take the crows in, but hey, if rook saves the world, who would complain? viago, that's who. this option would likely cause a falling out between them. furthermore, de riva rooks who are also romancing lucanis may struggle in that relationship since it's a job he didn't want (it's likely he will not want his beloved doing it, either). de riva rooks who are not romancing lucanis are putting a big target on their love interest's back.

zevran arainai: the crazy amount of horrifically tedious sidequests and picking the EXACT right options would make this a rare option because he's technically totally ineligible, and would cause complete and total pandemonium if he did get in. however: it would be funny. i'm adding a restriction to this option so he won't just sweep instantly: if your warden romanced zevran and died during origins or of the calling since, he will be hardened and and KILL everyone else on this list upon assuming power. if your warden romanced zevran and is still alive, he will refuse to take the seat no matter what to be with them.

[rooksspite]

thinking about post game rook de riva and Lucanis, moving back to treviso after everything.

nothing all that serious just imagining how pissed off Lucanis would be when Viago tells him that no, rook will not be moving into the dellamorte villa. not when rook has a perfectly fine room in house de riva (a room that he refused to let any one touch when rook left with varric but he’ll sooner die than admit that)

lucanis trying to reason with viago who only turns up his nose, “absolutely not, rook is still a de riva at the end of the day. i don’t even want to think about how the other talons would react to a de riva living in house dellamorte”

lucanis who after months of living in close proximity to rook decides that maybe his plans of having rook take his last name would have to happen sooner rather than later

[fangsandfeels]

"Everyone gets along because there is a threat", yadda, yadda, yadda.

Bullshit. This is not how real scenarios work and it has never been.

russia is a global threat right now, but the world can't decide between sucking its dick and politely asking it to stop because the mere thought of confronting russia makes it shit its pants. The very few countries who scream into the void, warning about russia and telling people to wake the fuck up are ignored and viewed as crazy doomsayers.

This is how real crisis looks like. Nobody works together against a threat because people are spineless cowards who would rather throw their neighbors under the bus than fight. Nobody learned anything from history lessons, books or survivors.

The only difference in a fantasy game is that NPCs end up having more spine and moral principles than real people.

But in Veilguard, everyone gets along because they have NO reasons not to.

Davrin has no real reasons to beef (if you can call it that) with Lucanis because he is a Grey Warden. He knows where Grey Wardens take their conscripts from. He knows that Grey Wardens regularly recruit mages who are a lot more likely to get possessed if they're not careful. Working with an assassin who knows friend from foe isn't the worst thing ever. One subtle warning about taking action if demon takes over is enough.

Taash has no reasons to antagonize Emmrich aside from horrible writing.

Neve gets along with Bellara because writers gave Bellara a happy childhood with her family and turned Dalish artifacts into Apple store gadgets, while refusing giving Neve any nuance as the citizen of Tevinter.

Emmrich gets along with everyone because he is generally a kind and well-mannered person who doesn't like to stir the pot.

Any companion who could have had a sharp edge, got that edge ripped off and a cartoon band-aid slapped on.

Never doesn't deal with people who don't know about Shadow Dragons (and they probably shouldn't know much because when you work against a powerful government who wants to destroy you, you shouldn't show off), so she constantly has to deal with the fact that people assume she is a noble or a slave-owner because she is from Tevinter; that they don't know that she had to literally fight against being enslaved herself because in Tevinter mages who refuse to use their power to dominate others are turned into slaves as well.

Bellara isn't conflicted about working with humans, especially Tevinter humans at all. She seems to never have dealt with oppression her whole life and she is super quick to write off Cyrian as evil even though there are clear SIGNS that he was tricked and controlled by the Forgotten One. But no, she never thinks "He is still there, I can save him, I won't lose him again", she goes straight to "Oh nooo my brother is dead to me".

Emmrich doesn't get burdened by people reacting to him and his sincere intention to help with fear, because of all the sinister rumors revolving around necromancers and Nevarra. He isn't hurt by people assuming that he loves death and things dying. If even he openly admitted that he is deeply terrified of death, they wouldn't have believed him.

Harding isn't burdened by the revelation she learned and what to do with it. Should she storm her way to the Orzammar? Should she talk to fellow surface dwarves and reconnect them with their history? Should she never breach the subject because the truth hurts and it's too much pain, too much anger to live with - and maybe she shouldn't let other dwarves go through it?

We don't even have a party divided on what to do with Solas (kill or talk it out)? Even though it's logical to have companions who are convinced that Solas has to die and those who think that he is misguided and can be convinced to stop.

Also, there are NO companions whose background, viewpoints and attitude would rile other companions up. We have no controversial characters whose interactions with the crew Rook would have been forced to intervene in unless they want their team to start throwing hands with each other.

We could have had Imshael - to give EVERYONE a reason to worry, and argue, and have conflicts. We could have had an ex-Venatori Calpernia bashing heads with Neve, Bellara, and Emrich. We could have had a Qunari spy who'd make Lucanis' dagger-arm itch.

If writers didn't forget about the Architect, we could have had an intelligent Darkspawn companion Davrin could be losing his shit around.

Or heck, we could have had a former red templar who got partially (magically?) reversed from their mad state and is now not a mindless beast, but still is on a borrowed time, probably needed due to their strength, but barely tolerated by anyone.

Who is fanatical, mostly because they have to believe they made a noble sacrifice, that it all was for the greater good -- because the truth scares them to their core. Who gives Lucanis shit for being an assassin and abomination, who bashes necromancy, and mages, and talks about purity, while downplaying their own actions as "Yes, these are my sins, but they are for the better world, and I would be proud to die for that world unlike you heathens who would rather ruin it than repent for your flaws". The kind of companion you'd initially want to do nothing with, but who can reveal an entire gallery of fucked up contradictions and trauma if you decide to keep them around.

However, writing such companions takes skill, courage, and requires absence of greedy corpo "we don't want to scare away new players with all that moral nuance" thinking.

[fandom-go-round]

If you’re still writing for dragon age I’d love if you did head cannons for all the veil guard companions and how they act after losing an injured rook to the fade and getting them back + nursing them back to health. I live for a good hurt / comfort and your writing is incredibly well done!

Warnings: Angst, Perceived Character Death (Rook), Nightmares, Self Blame, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms,

Davrin:

Davrin is clinical until he isn’t. Losing you had been devastating enough the first time; he isn’t going to lose you now due to injuries. He hovers a lot, letting the others heal you as much as they can and then sitting right back by your side. The team had been trying to organize, to help the allies you’d help, but all that fades to the background now that you’re back. Davrin is going to defend your bedside for as long as it takes.

It takes you a while to wake and he does his best to distract himself. He trains, works with Assan and attempts to show that he’s fine. He’s not, of course, and the others know it but they do their best to help. The first time you open your eyes, groggy and disoriented, he ignores the way tears gather in the corners of his eyes. He gives you a minute before leaning in to hold you close, almost squeezing the air of out you. He’s never going to lose you again.

Taash:

Taash alternates from being pissed to being hollow with loss, which leads to more rage. They’ve just lost their Tama and now you? One of the best things in their life? They don’t know what to do and it mostly ends with them wanting to hit something. They do hit and run missions with the other factions, but that stops once you come back to the Lighthouse. Taash isn’t the best nurse but they’re not bad, changing your bandages and telling you stories. They aren’t the best at sharing their day but they refuse to leave you for long.

This entire ordeal has been murder on Taash’s patience and it may never come back. The moment you’re awake Taash is relieved but also a little ashamed. They feel like they should have been doing something productive, not being upset. Reassure them and let they hover over you. Their hovering looks more like demanding you eat and start to move. Their touch is gentle, however and you soak up the attention like a sponge.

Lace Harding:

Lace isn’t a stranger to loss, but you hit her harder than the others. She lost friends during the Inquisition, but you loom in her mind like a specter. It’s worse now that she can dream; she sees you disappearing over and over. She doesn’t sleep much and distracts herself, sending letters and trying to track down Elgar’nan’s next move. The others worry for her but she puts on a brave face; the circles under her eyes start to rival Lucanis’.

She stays by your beside until you wake up, head bobbing with the urge to sleep. You wake up to her dozing next to you. Wake her up and she’ll start scolding you, tears gathering in the corners of her eyes. Lace dotes on you for the next few days, getting you things and making sure you’re comfortable. She wants to touch you so badly but you’ll need to make the first move; hold her hand and she might just cry with relief.

Lucanis Dellamorte:

He blames himself for you going missing; he replays the moment over and over in his mind. If only he was faster or moved in a different way. It’s a dark slope he goes down and Spite doesn’t help, raging against you going missing. The guilt doesn’t dissipate once you’re back, in fact it’s worse. He wants to be with you so bad it hurts, but he feels he’s unworthy.

Spite solves this problem for him. Once Lucanis goes to sleep, Spite goes to your bedside and curls up next to you. You wake up to an exhausted Antivan man in your bed and it’s cute as much as concerning. Lucanis is so embarrassed he wants to sink into the floor, but when you start talking to him, he relaxes. You have a heart to heart and he feels better, leaving after to let you rest. None of the others say anything and he makes a huge dinner as a thank you.

Bellara Lutare:

Bellara throws herself into the study of the Fade, working around the clock to try and figure out what happened. Emmrich might be the expert, but she can help and she’s not going to sit around doing nothing while you’re gone. She gets so focused she forgets to eat and drink; Neve has to literally drag her to bed one night. Once you’re back, Bellara is finally able to sleep but it isn’t restful, not when you’re not up yet.

She does cry once you’re awake, not in front of you but in the hallway. She can hear you talking to Lace, and she’s so overcome she collapses against the wall. She soaks in your voice, your laugh (weak but stable). It takes her a little while to get herself under control, but she smile is genuine when she goes into your room. You notice she’s been crying but don’t say anything, smiling back. Later, she wants to talk about everything, but right now all she wants is to hear your voice again.

Emmrich Volkarin:

Part of him feels like he should be more prepared for this, but he’s not. Emmrich has been surrounded by death but this is different. There isn’t a body, no remains to care for and no time to really mourn. He does his best to take time to grieve, but there’s never going to be enough time for him. Fade research and working with the other factions helps; he feels your absence like a stabbing wound. Rooms aren’t as bright when you’re not in them, and it’s hard for him to focus, he keeps getting lost in his thoughts.

He does his best to heal you once you’re back with them. Emmrich isn’t someone who normally gets touchy, but this is an exception. He doesn’t want anyone else to care for you and the others are accepting, even if they don’t agree. When you finally open your eyes, he feels like the sun is rising for the first time since you’ve left. He has so much to tell you but it’ll have to wait. He wants to soak up as much time as possible with you before the final fight.

Neve Gallus:

Neve throws herself into her work, or at least, that’s what she says. She pours over notes and clues, trying to figure out how Solas has come back, but no thoughts ever stick. Her theories slide through her fingers like sand and she feels like she’s going crazy. She blames herself; for losing you, for getting too attached, for not seeing this betrayal coming. When you finally awake up, she feels so goes boneless in her chair. She needs a moment to collect herself before going to see you.

Neve does her best to show she’s alright but it’s easy to see through her. After you fall back asleep, she vows that she’s not going to lose you again. She wants your kind of trouble and you’re both going to survive this damn it. She pushes herself to get ready for the big fight, both for her city and you. Support her but also remind her that you’re on her side; you’re going to finish this together.

[propenseverbosity]

The People (my beloved mutuals) have spoken. As promised, ace rookanis thoughts:

(Under the cut because I'm gonna talk about sex and also this post got WAY longer than I thought it was going to. Whoops 😂

What if they didn't have sex after Rook returns from the fade prison?

They struggle to stray far from each other's side after Rook's return. Between Solas's illusion of Lucanis crumbling into dust, and the weeks Lucanis spent staring at that damn green couch, wishing that Tearstone Island had all been a dream, the two of them never thought they'd see each other again. Lucanis overcomes his embarrassment over PDA in front of the team solely due to the need to keep a hand on Rook at all times. Whether holding one of theirs, or simply keeping an arm around their shoulders as they process updates from the others, he refuses to let them out of his sight.

The usual teasing from Taash or Davrin doesn't come. A silent understanding of how much he needs this.

Of course he also knows Rook needs to rest, and sending them off to their room is the best way to encourage that, but he doesn't last long before sneaking off to check on them- if only to make sure they're still there. That they're still real.

In the few weeks since their disappearance, he's had far too much time to think about all the things he wishes he'd told Rook. How grateful he is, how much he cares about them. By the time they're tangled up together on Rook's couch, kissing like their lives depend on it, he thinks this could be the perfect way to show them all the things he never found the courage to say.

But in the end, he's not sure he can go through with it.

Despite the seemingly convenient circumstances, Rook is still his first, and Lucanis isn't quite sure he's ready for this yet. He does trust Rook, and wants to be with them in every way (eventually), but after weeks of sleepless nights and Spite's incessant demands that he bring Rook back from the fade, he's not sure he's up for anything more than holding Rook close, savoring the miracle that they've both survived.

He knows Rook would understand. They've always been patient with him, but his fears start to overpower his hesitancy.

What if he never gets another opportunity like this again? What if one (or both) of them dies in the battle ahead, and he loses his chance? Rook was always the gambler. He's not sure he wants to take these odds.

They're down to their underclothes when Rook notices the faraway look in his eye. He tries to brush off their concerns, but Rook knows him better than that. Once they coax an explanation out of him, they brush a hand along his cheek, smiling as he leans into their touch.

"There will be other nights. I'll make sure of it. Not even the gods can keep me away from you." they tell him.

They decide to leave their clothes on the floor for the night. Whether it's out of exhaustion, or the level of comfort they have with each other, he's not sure, but he's also not sure he cares at the moment. He lays with his head in Rook's lap, struggling to keep his eyes open as they run their fingers softly through his hair. When they start to lovingly tease him about falling asleep, he has only one request. It's all he's really wanted.

"Will you talk to me? Your voice is a comfort."

[kabsey]

Today's Illario obsession: Illario as a Lord of Fortune.

During the last battle, a forgiven Illario is near-fatally injured. He recovers, but even after the healers declare him fit to return to normal activity, he refuses to leave his bed. Lucanis, Rook, and the other Crows just roll their eyes and mutter, "Typical Illario," because let's be real—as much as I love the Crows with all my heart, Caterina's disdain for Illario has trickled down over the years and stained them all.

This doesn't sit right with Taash. Taash has basically been living at the Diamond and then the Villa since Harding's death (which ties into my headcanons of what happens after Tearstone Island, but that's a post for another day). They take it upon themselves to get Illario back into fighting shape.

So one day, at half past noon, Taash bursts into Illario's room, stalks over to the bed, and whips off his blankets, completely unfazed by the fact that he is wearing nothing but a satiny eye mask. Illario, after he manages to rip the mask out of his tangled hair, is understandably baffled to find Lucanis's qunari friend looming over his bed. (What the hell happened to his instincts?)

"Take a bath," the qunari says. "Then meet me in the training room. You have ten minutes until I drag you down."

As they walk away, braid swinging, Illario's still reeling brain can only spit out one of a hundred questions. "Why would I bathe before training?" he calls after them.

"Because I could smell you from the hallway," they call back.

And that's true enough. The lack of grooming has been bothering Illario too, though not enough to motivate him to do anything about it. But thinking of the qunari's muscles and how they could likely make good on their threat to drag him out, he navigates his bleary way to his bath.

He manages little more than to wash his hair and throw it up into a wet ponytail, but it's more than he's done in weeks. He goes down to the training room and leans against the wall, watching the qunari lift improbable amounts of weight. When they glare at him, he begins some desultory stretching. His annoyance only grows when he realizes how much muscle and flexibility he has lost. The scar on his abdomen makes even the simplest movements feel strange and foreign, and he stops even his halfhearted attempts.

Seeing this, the qunari grabs two pairs of plain daggers from the practice rack. They march up to him and slap two of the daggers into his hands.

"Spar with me," they demand.

From the way they grip their own set of daggers, Illario can tell they aren't the qunari's preferred weapons. Annoyed by the failures of his own body and by the perceived implication of weakness, he launches himself at them. For a while, the flurry of activity feels good, feels familiar, and he even sees a glimmer of respect in the qunari's eyes as he pushes them back. But before long, much too soon, he is panting for breath, a cramp in his side making his freshly healed muscle pull painfully.

With a shout of frustration, he throws the daggers at a target on the wall. (He can't help but look from the corner of his eye and see that they missed the bull's-eye. Lucanis would have hit the bull's-eye.) The qunari walks over, pulls them from the target, and returns to Illario.

"Again," they say, holding out the daggers.

"Why the fuck are you even doing this?" he spits. "What the fuck do you care?"

The qunari gazes down at him with a face that gives nothing away. "Because I used to think I wasn't good enough either."

They shove the daggers into Illario's hands and resume a fighting stance.

"Again."

And so it goes. Little by little, Illario regains his strength. His energy levels aren't what they were, and while he gets back to bathing regularly, he often doesn't bother to shave or do anything with his hair. He can't bring himself to care enough to maintain his old meticulous routine. And there are bad days where he refuses to train, convinced it's all pointless, and Taash does have to drag him down. But Taash also teaches him skills he's never had before, skills that the Crows don't teach. They help him build the muscle to heft and carry heavy objects. They teach him to climb, not with speed and agility, but with stamina and the dogged determination required by a mountain far higher than a city wall. And he teaches them in turn, sharing Crow secrets until the qunari is grinning and sending the practice dummies their regards and Illario is unable to completely stifle his own smile.

Then one night Taash takes Illario to The Hilt. He's not sure what to expect, but he assumes he will enact his usual routine in a new place—place himself in an out-of-the-way corner with dim but flattering lighting and look intriguing and mysterious. Instead, as soon as they enter, Taash introduces him to the bar at large with a booming voice and a sweeping hand. Immediately the crowd chants a chorus of demands, insisting that every newcomer has to share a story.

With all eyes on him (a situation that makes Illario simultaneously want to preen and hide), he begins to tell the tale of one of his many jobs. He speaks slowly at first, waiting for the rolled eyes and the interruptions to correct his account, but instead the Lords listen intently. He warms to the story and starts to weave in some details that, while not strictly factual, make for a more entertaining narrative, and not only does no one contradict him, the more he exaggerates, the more the Lords laugh and cheer. When he finishes, the whole bar is raucous with applause. He receives numerous heavy thumps on his back and claps on his shoulders, and a stein of ale that smells like rat piss is pressed into his hands. The woman who gave it to him has a hat equal in stature to her impressive cleavage.

"Taash tells me you have some skills that might be useful on our next raid," she tells him. She looks him up and down with an appraising eye before grinning at him. "What do you say, handsome? Have a fancy to earn some gold and glory?"

He lifts the stein to his lips and drains the rat-piss ale in several long swallows to wet his throat, dry from the storytelling. (It somehow tastes exactly like it smells and yet better than any of Viago's fancy wines.)

When he lowers it, he smirks back at the woman. "I do indeed."

(And then of course this all ties in with an old story of mine where the healer at the Hall of Valor is an odd mage whose eyes sometimes glow in a way that reminds Illario of Lucanis. And he eventually meets some of Isabela's regular lovers, including the Hero of Ferelden and her husband, who happens to be a former Crow of some renown himself.)

[grymm-gardens]

Lucanis, Spite and Dissociation

I wanted to expand a little on my love for lucanis and spite, and how they're a beautiful representation of dissociation, for anyone who is unfamiliar with dissociative disorders, they are primarily caused by significant early childhood (usually before 6) trauma paired with unstable environments that results in your brain putting up blocks between different parts of itself. This happens because as children we are hard wired to believe that our caretakers and environments are safe, they have to be so that we can function and develop.

well when your caretakers and environments aren't safe, that causes significant conflict of your brain, and as result your brain responds by developing different parts that hold different memories and beliefs so that they can respond properly to the circumstances

the most common type of part is a protector part, and while most dissociated systems hold a multitude of parts, i believe Spite is meant to represent Lucanis's protector, Protector parts are the parts that develop typically to shelter other parts from abuse, and to protect the body and hold those memories so other parts can live unburdened.

I personally am diagnosed with osdd or other specified dissociative disorder, and i have seen my own personal journey with my protector part mirrored so perfectly in his journey that it made me cry!

when we recruit Lucanis we see that he has a clear dislike for Spite, as do most people with protector parts. This is because now that they are no longer in the traumatic situation, Spite and those coping mechanisms are a part of the trauma, much how protectors are developed during trauma.

once you are in a safe environment, their existence can feel like a burden in and of itself, especially when experiencing lost time, and reacting in ways that you know aren't appropriate. It truly can feel like you have been possessed against your will.

We can clearly see this sentiment in lucanis early on with his refusal to ever allowing spite to be co-conscious. Instead lucanis tries to simply internalize and ignore both spite and the trauma, this manifests in lucanis refusing to sleep, not allowing him to interact with the other companions, and in general denying spite a chance to live. Lucanis views spite as an enemy rather than a part of his healing.

this is is mirrored in real dissociative disorders by repressing protector parts, denying their anger and rage, and viewing them as a hinderence, rather than as a vital part that kept you alive.

in my eyes its heavily implied that in the ossuary spite was likely the one in the body, experiencing most of the torture, epecially considering the venatori were actively focusing on corrupting the demon further to force him to overtake lucanis. i think this is further confirmed by spite believing he is still in the ossuary, because that all he knows, theyre the only memories he carries, because since theyve been freed lucanis has been keeping him trapped in their head, stuck ruminating in those traumatic memories rather than being allowed to experience their new reality. They are living sperate lives in the same body

even spites voice is entirely different to lucanis in the beginning.

i think the fact that spite takes over when lucanis sleeps primarily also makes me think lucanis is likely experiencing traumatic nightmares reliving the ossuary, and triggering spite in thinking he needs to jump back into his role as protector, and that is his reason for overtaking and believing they need to escape again.

Throughout the series we never see spite doing anything other than trying to keep the two of them safe no matter how, even when he no longer needs to.

Lucanis believe that this makes him fundamentally unlovable because he believes he is not a whole person, he is a danger to himself and others, and he has become a burden, another very common sentiment amongst those with dissociative parts

he fears that acknowledging that spite is a part of him makes it all real, that there was a darkness in him to begin with if he's able to coexist with a demon, and that maybe he truly should just be executed

and so the fact rook and/or neve can see all of the ugly parts and still care for him and spite is jarring and cofusing for him, but its what inevitably leads him down the path to healing and what leads us to the inner demons quest, because if they can see and accept spite then maybe he can too

and that is what leads to both mine and my therapists favorite scene, the coffee date with spite, because that is what healing with a dissociative disorder really does look like, its teaching that protector part that you are no longer in a life or death situation, and that they are allowed to breathe and enjoy things and just exist.

for me that looked like learning how to rollerskate as an adult because the little demon inside me wanted to see of we could

for lucanis its teaching spite letting spite experience coffee and the cafe because thinking about it helped keep them both sane in the ossuary

after this we begin to see lucanis and spite being present at the same time, is dissociation this is referred to as co-consciousness, and its only possible when parts are working together. Lucanis is relaxing his hold on spite because he realizing he doesnt need to cage him any more, because spite doesn't feel like he needs to fight constantly to keep them alive

truly im heartbroken that we got very little interaction between spite and rook because i think we missed out on a lot of potential for rook to prove to spite that even the darker parts are lovable themselves, spite sacrificed so much of himself to keep lucanis safe and none of his pain there was explored really, and i wish we got to be more involved with spite first hand

LMAO this got so long winded nd im too tired to proof read and see if it makes any sense lmao, enjoy my stream of thoughts about my baby girls <3 @feaches i accidentally wrote a whole thesis for you so here you go, if you have any questions about dissociative disorders, and lucanis, or just on how they work in general feel free to ask, I think the media has done wild things to peoples perception of them so im always down to share my experience

[theheartmold]

Ok but what if in order to effectively forgive Illario Lucanis is forced to take First Talon because only then does he have the power to not send Illario to prison...........

YES. I saw that @vigilskeep added that addition to their post which is why I made an edit to my reblog. I agree, the only way that forgiveness is going to have any weight is if Lucanis is First Talon. But I think one key player we haven't accounted for in this situation is Caterina.

In this hypothetical, the choices are: Become First Talon + Forgive Illario or Refuse + Illario Imprisoned. It's an impossible choice for Lucanis because it is an impossible choice for Caterina. She refuses to take responsibility for the fate of either of her grandsons--her two remaining, living, biological family--and puts it, all of it, on Lucanis. It shows, to me, that there is a line Caterina is not willing to cross and it is this one.

She lets Lucanis make a choice and when Illario defers to her, only then does she give Lucanis the weight to back it up by naming him First Talon--all she gets is what she wanted: her favorite grandson as a puppet leader (he says himself she isn't leaving the political scene) and Illario's fate, imprisoned or forgiven, as Lucanis's choice.

In the scenario where Lucanis becomes First Talon and forgives Illario, Caterina still wins. She still gets what she wants and arguably more than she bargained for, which is both of her grandchildren still alive and well, even if one of them is disgraced.

But the other--Lucanis's refusal? Lucanis choosing himself and his freedom and walking away from his life, in theory, as a Crow? It puts Caterina, if Illario is imprisoned, in a state of vindictiveness. If Lucanis does not listen to her, then she will punish Illario, and make it clear that it's Lucanis's doing--make it HIS FAULT AND NOT HERS. HE is making the choice to walk away so she is FORCED to do this as First Talon.

Really chewy and interesting.

[rook-laidir]

Rook Banter Part Something

Too Rook, Too Banter

~

Rook: So you like cats but don’t want one of your own?

Neve: Hard to keep a cat on a feeding schedule with the hours I keep. Besides, I’m spending more time in the Fade than in Dock Town lately and I’m not sure the Lighthouse is the safest place for a cat.

Rook: Assan seems to be doing just fine.

Neve: Sure, but there’s plenty of small hiding spots. Who knows what kind of trouble a cat could get up to?

Rook: I thought you liked trouble.

Neve: Sometimes.

~

Davrin: Rook, you’ve hunted your fair share of monsters. What’s the biggest one you’ve taken down?

Rook: Biggest or deadliest? And do demons count?

Davrin: Normally I’d say no, but now you’ve got me curious.

Rook: Found a desire demon in an old ruin off the coast of Antiva a few years ago. She was luring sailors down to their deaths, making them promises they couldn’t refuse.

Davrin: How’d the fight go?

Rook: It wasn’t much of a fight on my end. Isabela had to get a few good hits in before I snapped out of it.

Davrin: Sure she let you live that one down pretty quickly.

Rook: She was very persuasive!

~

Lucanis: (sighs)

Rook: Something on your mind?

Lucanis: Caterina’s refusing to let me change some of the decor in the ballroom.

Rook: Aren’t you First Talon now? Can’t you do it anyway?

Lucanis: I may be First Talon, but she is still my grandmother. I’d face twenty Crows before getting on the receiving end of her displeasure.

Rook: Just tell me which decorations you want gone. I can make a couple of them go missing.

Lucanis: You are not stealing from my house.

Rook: (grumbles) Fine.

~

Rook: I’m gonna regret asking, but what are you eating?

Harding: Chocolate covered jerky! Want some?

Rook: When has my answer ever been yes?

~

Rook: Bellara, can I ask you a favor?

Bellara: Sure. What do you need?

Rook: Can you make fried fish?

Bellara: Really? Just fried fish? I mean, I can - well, I probably can, I haven’t gotten the chance to try yet - but that’s it? I was kind of expecting something important and world-ending like usual.

Rook: Neve hasn’t gotten to go back to Down Town for a bit and I think she’s homesick.

Bellara: Oh, it’s for Neve? Why didn’t you say so? I’ll make some extra so she won’t get hungry if she stays up too late again.

Rook: Thanks, Bellara.

Bellara: And you can share them.

Rook: Sure.

Bellara: Together.

Rook: Okay?

Bellara: Alone.

Rook: (groans) Shut up.

Bellara: If you hurt her, I’m tweaking the Eluvian. You’ll be ripped apart in seconds and no one will hear you scream.

Rook: Right…Got it.

~

Taash: The Lords are playing Pandemonium at the Hilt later. You in?

Rook: Absolutely. I gotta win my dignity back.

(If another companion is present): What’s Pandemonium?

Taash: It’s a game the Lords made up a few years ago. We have this ugly chalice Rowan found and we take turns hiding it and trying to find it. Winner gets gloating rights and they get to hide the chalice next.

Rook: As long as they don’t break the rule.

(If another companion is present?): The rule? There’s only one rule?

Rook: Yup. Don’t kick anyone’s junk.

Taash: It’s a good rule.

~

Emmrich: I was wondering about schooling processes in Rivain. Where did you study?

Rook: My mother taught me how to read and count up coin when I helped with her stall. Aside from that, I kinda just learned everything else on my own.

Emmrich: Really? You’ve received no formal education?

Rook: When you’re just trying to make ends meet or you’re stuck on a galley for a few years, it’s kind of hard to make time to study.

Emmrich: Ah. Well, I’d be happy to tutor you if you’d like.

Rook: I’m not exactly a model student. Thanks for the offer, though.

[rookinthecrownest]

Bedtime Stories For a Demon, Night 3: The Girl Who Knew Despair (Lucanis x Rook Fanfic)

*Endgame spoilers for Veilguard ahead

** No seriously if you havent played to the end of the game dont read this

Soft candlelight flickering. An exuberant chorus of voices outside the door, celebrating victory. The smell of alcohol and Embrium and Elfroot in the Diamond’s infirmary. The Cantori Diamond, still standing like the rest of Treviso. Free of the Blight and the wrath of a God’s anger.

Thanks to Rook.

Madeleina.

Lucanis sits on a wooden chair by her bed. He asked Teia for a private room in the infirmary – a request she was happy to accommodate for Treviso’s saviour.

As grateful as he is for her help in Treviso – and he is incredibly grateful, he’s equally infuriated by her recklessness in battle. Not many can claim to have injured a Blighted dragon and lived to tell the tale, but even fewer would have been stupid enough to try and conceal a mortal wound until they were bleeding out on the ground.

He remembers the blood spilling like a crimson waterfall from her mouth. Choked gasps for air as she drowned in it. The thud of her body as it hit the ground while Viago was mid-sentence thanking her for her help.

A shard of ice from the dragon’s last attack before it fled had lodged itself into her chest, piercing her right lung. She must have quickly removed it before anyone else noticed, and her thick mage’s overcoat hid the worst of the damage. The dragon’s attacks only left them with enough time to worry about their own survival – hurling cold, sharp death their way with brutal force and terrifying speed. Even with Spite’s wings, he was barely able to dodge them.

He and Davrin quickly dragged her back to the Diamond, with the help of Teia and Viago to clear the way for them.

Madeleina was still choking on her own blood.

Hemothorax, he thought bitterly. Mierda.

The idiot actually apologized to him for getting her blood on his nice coat while her death rattles filled the air. He is fairly certain he told her to shut up. He desperately hoped those were not the last words he would ever say to her.

Lucanis started barking out orders for supplies – alcohol, a thick needle, and a mage who could heal. He needed to decompress the pressure on her lung and get the blood out before it completely collapsed. One of their mages, Lucrezia, stood at the ready to assist. She had given Madeleina a cloth to bite down on. Davrin, Teia, and Viago stood around the bed and held her limbs down.

Mercifully, Spite was quiet enough to let him get through the procedure. One he hadn’t done in a long time, but still remembered well enough.

He poured alcohol over exposed chest to sanitize the skin.

He inserted the needle through the fourth and fifth ribs in the mid-axillary line. The mage sucked the blood out of her chest, using wind magic to create a vacuum. The blood came flowing out and spattered onto the floor. Agonized cries through the fabric of the towel. Terror on her face, limbs shaking, while he stitched her back up. The mage casts a healing spell to help mend the rest of the damage and hopefully restore some of what was lost.

Then, silence as she finally fell asleep.

Davrin, the new member of the group, stood beside her after Teia and Viago had left.

“Is she going to be alright?” He asked quietly.

Lucanis didn’t have an answer for him. He was fairly certain she was out of immediate life-threatening danger. But she lost a lot of blood, and nearly lost a lung. Only time would tell how well she would recover. If she would fully recover.

“I’ll watch over her – you should go back to the Eluvian. See if you can help Neve and the others in Minrathous. It might not be too late” He answered, nodding towards the door. “We’ll meet you back at the Lighthouse when she wakes up”

When, not if, because he refused to let her die for the crime of choosing to help him. He didn’t need that on his conscience.

Mercifully, Davrin didn’t fight him on it and left soon after.

He’s not sure exactly how much time has passed. There’s no windows in the infirmary, so he measures it in forehead towel changes. Four by now, at least. Maybe a few hours he estimates.

A soft and pained groan, and the rustling of bed sheets fill the quiet room. He looks up to see Madeleina’s green eyes fluttering. She hisses and holds her right side, her face twisting with pain. She coughs, but this time, no blood comes sputtering out of her mouth. The warm towel on her forehead slips off.

“L-Lucanis?” she asks quietly, blinking at him with glassy eyes. She groans again “Ahh… Venhedis…”

“Hey, take it easy” Lucanis holds a hand in front of her, “Try not to move too much right now”

Madeleina frowns, and speaks with no small amount of strained effort “We … won … right?”

“We did. But you almost died” He points to her chest, “Would have died, if that wound kept bleeding out. Why did you try to hide it?”

“Didn’t want … to ruin the …  ‘we survived… a Blighted dragon attack’… party” She smiled weakly. Her voice was raspy and uneven. She was gasping between words. “You … know me … I hate to bring… down the mood…”

Lucanis clapped a hand to his forehead, “Mierda… unbelievable”

His frustration only grows when he sees her trying to sit up, grunting with effort. “What did I just say? You’ll rip your stitches.”

I worked hard on those, he wants to add.

“Min…rathous …. Need to get … back” She winces as another wave of pain sweeps through her body. Madeleina manages to get herself upright and leans against the headboard of the bed. “Neve … Shadow Dragons…”

Lucanis frowned deeply, “You’re not going anywhere. And if you are, it’s back to the Lighthouse.”

Madeleina sighs and leans her head back, hitting it against the headboard softly. She looks utterly defeated.

“They need my help Lucanis…” she whispers, staring at the opposite wall. She’s starting to blink away tears. “I … I left my city to burn”

He’s not sure how to comfort her. He settles by saying what is in his heart, uncertain if it will be enough to assuage her guilt.

“But Treviso lives to fight another day because of you. Free of the blight, free of Ghilan’nain” He pulls his chair closer to the edge of her bed. “And none of us will ever forget it. I won’t forget it”

Lucanis realizes she was forced into an impossible decision. Madeleina was a Shadow Dragon, she was from Minrathous. He didn’t expect her to aid Treviso. But the relief that flooded his chest when he saw her come to his home’s defense was indescribable.

A tense quiet passes between them. He watches, helplessly, as she bites her tongue to keep a deluge of tears from streaming down her face.

“You saved a lot of people today” Lucanis says quietly.

Madeleina shuts her eyes tight and bit down on her bottom lip. Her voice is quivering as she replies, “And doomed so many more.”

“You don’t know that” He leans forward. “Davrin left some time ago to help, he might have- “

“Don’t” She hisses, her chest heaving. “Don’t … do that”  

His brows lift in surprise, taken aback. “Do what?”

The defeated look on her face as she turns to him makes his heart sink into his stomach.

“Give me hope …” Madeleina says weakly, as her shoulders start quaking. “I … I don’t … deserve…”  

He isn’t sure if letting her cry it out is the right thing to do, but lets the sound of her quiet sobbing fill the little room. The weight, the magnitude of the choice she had to make is not lost on him. How unfair it all was. Few things in life are fair, he knows that better than anyone. But forcing someone as young as her make that kind of choice had to be up there.

He sees Spite manifesting beside her bed, a purple doppelganger of him. Spite leans in closer, it’s face – his face, twisting with anger.

Smells like salt and ice and smoke. Not right. Not RIGHT. The demon howls. Lucanis pinches his nose bridge and sighs. Spite’s gaze drifts between Madeleina and Lucanis. He frowns at Lucanis, Make. Her. Right.

“Mierda, not now Spite…” Lucanis whispers, exasperated.

Madeleina sniffles and stops crying for a moment. Her eyes are red and puffy. She wipes her nose with the sleeve of her tunic. “Spite’s bothering you?”

Lucanis crosses his arms over his chest and frowns, “Don’t worry about Spite. You have enough to deal with right now”

She looks around the room, as if she could see him.

“Would Spite … like a story?” Madeleina asks, after a few moments of silence.

Spite tilts his head and leans in closer to Madeleina. He grins maniacally and nods. Yes. Story. That will make her Right.

Lucanis is quick to answer, “Absolutely not. You need to rest, Madeleina. Leave Spite to me”

He’s still not used to the feeling of her name on his tongue.

She sucks in a deep breath, one hand holding her right side. Then, she’s looking at him with an uncharacteristically stern look on her face. “You … always say that”

“Say what?”

“That Spite… is only your problem” She grips her blanket tighter.

“He’s my demon. Of course he’s my problem”

Madeleina sniffles again, her brows drawing together. “That’s not … how being on a team works, Lucanis. We help each other”

“You’ve helped me more than enough” He replies, gesturing around the room, “You saved my home. I can’t ask any more of you than you’ve already given”

Madeleina blinks slowly and draws her knees to her chest, considering his words.

“I … want to help …” She frowns, and she’s staring at the opposite wall again.

Spite’s apparition has disappeared, but he can still feel the demon rattling in the back of his mind.

“You can help by resting” Lucanis rises from his chair, “Are you hungry? I can bring you something to eat”

Madeleina shakes her head. “No… but … will you stay? Just for a little bit”

He stands above her for a moment, letting the request hang between them. He knows he should let her get some rest before they make their way back to the Lighthouse. Before she has to face the other side of her decision. Yet, he finds himself increasingly unable to say no to her bright green eyes and tired smile, and that worries him deeply. What it means, what it could mean.

He sits back down in the small wooden chair, and she gives him a weak smile.

“Thank you”

“It’s the least I can do” he returns the smile in kind.

Madeleina is quiet for a moment. Thoughtful.

She raises one hand, and it starts glowing a familiar blue.

“Madeleina – “

“Please – just let me tell the story” He knew her well enough to know that tone would brook no argument. He can do nothing but gesture for her to continue.

“At least one person ought to know”

Her face awash in eerie blue light, Madeleina flicks her wrist.

She looks like she is struggling to keep the illusion alive. He sees a bird’s eye view of a small village, nestled between a dense forest and a mountain range. It flickers in and out and lacks the usual care and detail of her illusions.

“Once… upon a time … in a land far, far away…” her voice is shaking, and she’s using her free hand to keep pressure on her right side. “There was a small farming village. And… in that village… lived a family.”

Another flick of her wrist and the mountainside village vanishes, now replaced by three figures. The man is tall and lanky. He has a lyre strapped to his back. His hair is wild and curly, much like Madeleina’s. His eyes look like hers too. The figure of the woman is maybe a head shorter, with long, pin-straight hair. She has Madeleina’s high cheekbones. The same nose and lips and heart-shaped face. Finally, he sees the figure of a young girl. A young Madeleina. All wiry limbs and wild curls.

“Eurydice, Orpheus and their daughter”

The figures rotate in the air between them.

“Eurydice ran the town’s bakery, and Orpheus played at the local tavern”

The figures ripple and a young Madeleina is now helping the figure of her mother bake bread.

Madeleina’s glassy eyes looked sorrowful.

“They didn’t have much. The village was small… there were no mages … only regular people.”

She smiled ruefully. “But they were happy. Orpheus,” She paused and waved him back into existence, “Kept their home alive with music and stories” He’s playing the lyre for his wife and daughter, while he chases her around an invisible room.

“And Eurydice made sure a warm meal was always on the table”

Her mother brings a plate of something to the young Madeleina, who wastes no time devouring it.

Madeleina sucked in a deep, shaky breath, before continuing.

“One day, their daughter discovers she can use magic”

The figure of young Madeleina is laughing as blue spheres of light dance around her. The figure of her mother brushes a hand through her unruly hair and pulls her into a tight hug. The figures ripple, and she furrows her brow to concentrate harder. They become solid again.

“Her parents are so happy for her. It means she will become Laetan, instead of Soporati. A chance for a better life. Her mother wants to do something for her”

Madeleina winks out of the scene, and Eurydice is pulling a garment out of a small chest.

“A new dress, she thinks… One from her youth. Her daughter is finally big enough to wear it” Madeleina blinks another tear from her eyes. “But wants to dye it her daughter’s favourite colour. She can’t afford a fancy dye but can make her own. Her daughter wants to help. She’s old enough to go pick the elderberries deep in the woods.”

The figure of the mother disappears, and a young Madeleina is in the forest bordering the village, placing berries in a large wicker basket.

“But the girl didn’t know what was coming for them, or she never would have gone to the forest that day”

He frowns, and a feeling of dread takes hold deep in his chest. He knows that whatever comes next is not likely to lead to a happy ending.

“A Venatori blood mage had escaped capture in Ventus.” The young Madeleina flickers out of existence and is replaced with a tall, cloaked figure, holding a stave in one hand and an amulet, glowing bright crimson, in the other.

“He held a dangerous amulet in his possession. The Amulet of Liberum” Madeleina whispers, “Forged by a Dreamer centuries ago, it held a pocket of the Fade inside it. Allowed the wearer to store an infinite number of demons and summon them at will with blood magic”

The cloaked figure arrives at the border of the village, her village. It takes a knife and runs it across his hand. The blood seeps onto the amulet in the other. The bright red glow becomes even more intense, and a horde of demons springs forth. They rampage through the streets, tearing the nameless and faceless villagers apart.

The scene shifts to her parents, backing away from the demons. The father, Orpheus, stands in front of the mother with a small dagger. It does him little good. They are both swiftly torn apart by demons.

The figure of the mage comes back into view, and sucks them back into the amulet, before disappearing.

Madeleina’s expression shifts between anger, grief and sadness. Something he is intimately familiar with.

“The girl comes back from the forest to see her entire village slaughtered”

The form of young Madeleina drops the wicker basket. She is walking through the main path of the village, by ruined houses and bodies torn apart. Bodies of people she once knew.

She comes to a lone house on a hill. Her home.

Madeleina breathes in sharply.

“Madeleina – you don’t have to …” He begins, but she holds a hand up to stop him.

“Yes, I do” she says, resolute. She shifts on the cot and brings the illusion back to life.

The young Madeleina is standing over the bodies of her parents, mutilated beyond recognition. She falls to her knees, and the figure starts screaming. He can almost hear it. The raw anguish rippling in the air like a shockwave.

“She screams and screams until her throat is dry” Madeleina says quietly, “Keeps going until she’s cried herself to sleep.”

The young Madeleina is still on her knees, her eyes closed, and the bodies of her parents disappear.

“In her dreams … a voice finds her in the Fade”

A faceless figure, layered in several layers of tattered cloaks, hovers above her.

“‘Have you lost all hope, child? Has it become too much to bear?’ The voice asks her. And it was … it was all too much …” Madeleina says, her voice barely above a whisper. “The voice offered to take her pain, her regret – everything, away. ‘So much for one so young’ it said”

Lucanis frowns. Spite’s rage prickled under his skin like a starved beast gnawing at the bars of its cage. Spite hates Despair.

He watches as the familiar blue glow of Madeleina’s figure starts to change colour. Veins of black light crawl up her legs.

“The Demon’s name was Despair. And it would eat everything she was, everything she would be”

As the tendrils of black light crawled further and further up her body, Madeleina continued.

“It ate her love, her hope, her joy” her lip quivered, and the figures flickered again. “It ate up her life until nothing was left”

Lucanis made a fist as waves of rage surged through the back of his head, the pressure behind his eyes mounting.

The tendrils were now creeping along the left side of her face. The figure only looked up at the Despair demon above it and continued to be consumed.

“But the girl didn’t know that the Templars who had tracked the maleficar had arrived at the village. One of them, a young man by the name of Tiberian Mercar, found her” She waved the figure of a tall man, adorned in Templar heavy plate armour, into existence.

“He would have been right to strike her down where she stood. She was becoming possessed. She was becoming an abomination” Madeleina wiped a stray tear from her eye with her free hand.

“To this day, she’ll never understand why he didn’t.”

The Templar, instead of drawing his sword, steps closer to the young girl. Lucanis watches with bated breath as he pulls the girl into a hug.

“’It will be alright child, you are going to be alright’” She says, her voice hitching. “Whether he really meant it, or he was just trying to comfort a girl moments away from dying, she’ll never know”

A bright, golden light shines from the figure of the Templar, and then slowly envelops the young Madeleina. The black light is dying out, overcome by the warm glow shared by the two figures.

“But that simple act of kindness brought her back from the brink of despair, from the brink of the abyss” Madeleina’s lips quirk into a sad smile. “He saved her that day, in more ways than one”

The Templar and the girl stand and begin walking away from the cloaked figure.

“The Templar couldn’t take care of her, so he asks his brother to adopt her into his family” She waves to life four new figures – a man, a woman, and two small boys. “His brother agrees, and she goes to live with them” The young Madeleina walks away from the Templar and towards her new family.

“The Mercars are a military family. One of a precious few non-mage families in Tevinter who enjoy more than a modest life” Madeleina explains, “She’s given an education, nice clothes, and a seat in the Circle of Minrathous. But everything comes at a cost”

The figures all wink out of existence, and are replaced by Madeleina, in apprentice robes, standing alone amongst a sea of other robed figures.

“She can never whisper her old name – the one her parents gave her. She can never tell anyone she’s not a true Mercar.” She fists her blanket, gathering the fabric in her right hand. “When the family agreed to take her in, they erased all of what she was. She was not a foundling, but a long-lost member of the family. She’s named after a great-great-great-great-grandmother, the last in their lineage to be born a mage. It gave them more legitimacy that way”

Madeleina’s eyes fall and all the figures disappear. “And in time… she forgets who she was before she joined them. Forgets her own name”

She brings her knees closer to her chest and wraps her arms around them. Lucanis releases a breath. He wants so badly to reach out. A hand on her shoulder. A hand on her arm. Anything to provide some kind of comfort. But all he can do is listen, as if some invisible rope binds his arms to his sides.

Madeleina gestures with her left hand, and a young Madeleina is standing next to an older, tall, rather handsome man.

“But she wants to help, so she finds those in the Magisterium working for the greater good” She continues. “She finds Magister Dorian Pavus, and he brings her into the Shadow Dragons. He gives her a cover to use so her family doesn’t grow suspicious. She tries to do good, tries to make use of the second chance she was given”

The figures blink out of existence a moment later. Her face falls. “But she never feels like she’s ever going to get there. Always feels like she's falling short of some unattainable goal”

“Madeleina…” Lucanis starts, but he doesn’t know where to go from there. What to say.

“That’s why I chose to come to Treviso” Madeleina is looking at him now. “I… I didn’t want another defenseless city to suffer the same fate as my home town – as Arvanitum did”

Lucanis clasps his hands together in front of him and leans forward.

“Whatever the reason you chose to help us … just know we’re grateful” He gives her a small smile. “Thank you for sharing that with me”

Madeleina gives him a weary smile in return. “It feels nice to have someone know … the Shadow Dragons, Dorian, Neve – I was never able to tell any of them. On paper, there are no survivors from Arvanitum. On paper, I am dead”

Lucanis rises to his feet and takes the towel from her pillow.

“For whatever it’s worth …. I’m glad you’re only dead on paper” He chuckles and twists the towel in his hands. “But you need to stop tempting fate, hm? Contract is no good if the employer dies”

Madeleina snorts, “I promise if I get another mortal wound, I’ll come right to you”

Lucanis grins, “Deal”

He motions to the bed, “Get some rest, we’ll go back to the Lighthouse when you’re ready”

Madeleina groans as she slithers back down into the bed. She yawns and turns to her side. “Alright … I should… need…. to check in with Varric soon ….”

Lucanis hesitates a moment before leaving the room. As he closes the door, he wonders to himself.

Who is Varric?

[fantasynexus]

Stages of Grief in Veilguard (Major Spoilers)

I firmly believe that the theme of Veilguard is the Five Stages of Grief and Loss and how the first five companions have their own stage that ties deeply into their individual stories.

Lucanis Dellamorte: Denial

Loss: Illario (Closest Friend) and potentially Treviso

Lucanis Dellamorte, especially a Romanced Lucanis, will tell you he's unsure if he even left the Ossuary. He's in denial that he's free, and you see him deny the 'realities' around him. Concerning the 'death' of his Grandmother. He's constantly questioning where and how she died as if he cannot believe that she is dead or the story of how she died. He also refuses to see the truth about Illario's Betrayal, at first, telling us he doesn't want to believe Illario would betray him.

Lace Harding: Anger

Loss: Varric

Lace Harding, as the game goes on, expresses a large amount of resentment and anger about what happened to Varric and the Ritual, as well as towards Solas, for obviously valid reasons. Killing Varric, The Titan's Fall, and the use of Lyrium to create the Ancient Elves. That just being the top of the list, I don't think this requires much explanation, considering we fight the 'Wrath of Stone' and Hardings Rage-filled Lyrium Double.

Davrin: Bargaining (Not the Strongest Argument)

Loss: Purpose

After Weisshaupt, Davrin consistently wonders what he did wrong and if he's even a real Grey Warden because he didn't die when slaying the Archdemon. He questions and dwells on the Gryphons being taken and if he could have done something different.

Neve Gallus: Depression

Loss: Minrathous (It gets destroyed no matter if you save it or not)

Depression forms itself in many different ways, including guilt and insomnia. Neve, feeling guilty for the Death of Rana's partner, consistently goes to their memorial to recharge their light and keeps their pendant. Neve is an apparent workaholic (Can't think about your feelings if you're drowning in work) who drinks way too much bad coffee that induces insomnia. Part of Depression is being withdrawn (Lone Wolf Archetype). Neve's Diet can also cause depression; it's a fact she mainly eats fried fish (if Lucanis Romances her). Poor Diet can worsen it or even trigger depressive episodes. Specifically Fried Foods and Caffeine.

Bellara Lutare: Acceptance

Loss: Brother

Bellara, by the time we meet her, has already accepted that her brother is dead. There's still a pain (There always will be) when talking about him, but she has accepted the loss and uses her work to honor him and continue what he wanted for the Dalish. Even when they go to honor his second death at the end of her quest line, she's already accepted that he's gone for good because she's already experienced the other stages of grief regarding him. (She also experiences them again in quick precession after finding out he's still alive)

We can also add in Emmrich and Taash for Funsies

Emmrich shows Bargaining and Depression regarding becoming a Lich, unable to let live because he's scared of dying. It's something that will inhibit him from becoming a Lich, and Depression with his lifelong dream being out of reach because of his fear.

His potential Loss: Manfred or Lichdom

Taash shows Denial, Anger, and Depression regarding their Mother. Whether it's their identity issues, relationship, or their Mothers' (and Hardings') death.

Loss: Mother and potentially Lace Harding

The Veilguard is just one giant support group talking to a therapist (Rook) who also needs a therapist.

I do think some could be switched around:

Bellara could also be Denial, Lucanis could be Depression, and Davrin could be Depression or Denial. I am open to other interpretations.

[the-rebel-archivist]

Illario Appreciation Week Day 4: Childhood Memories

Illario Dellamorte & Lucanis Dellamorte | 1111 words

Illario poked his way through cupboards and under tables, searching for any sign of Lucanis. He wasn't in any of the usual spots.

Ever since the Velardos had come and he had left home to live with his grandmother he had dogged his cousin's steps like a tall, dark shadow. House Velardo was gone, grandmother - Caterina, she said, since any grandmotherly aspect had been buried behind 'trainer' - had told them. Still, when Lucanis disappeared and left Illario checking hidden corners in the strange, large villa, he felt the choking nausea of fear clawing at his throat.

"Hide now, Illario, and wait. If anyone finds you you know where to put your knife. Use all your strength. Remember that you are a Dellamorte."

Mama, on her knees in front of him, enveloped him in her arms. His face pressed against her shoulder and he breathed in her familiar smells - leather, that all pervasive animal skin and tanning oil that he so associated her with, and metal, like copper, like knives. And underneath, nearly obscured by her dueling outfit, the cloying, tangy-sweet scent of cherries lingering from where she'd been picking them in the garden.

His brother was hiding in the next room. If he hadn't been doing the same and waiting Illario would have protested at the unfairness of it, that he couldn't follow behind Mama and Papa when he had been working so hard at his knifework - and he was better at target practice than his older brother too! But they had both impressed on him that this was his job, his position to hold, that he was to follow his brother if it came to it, and so he would do exactly as they asked, be strategic, conserve his strength until the right moment. "A Crow knows how to listen before they can lead," Papa had told them, and one day he was determined that he would lead.

Lucanis played the role of brother now. Lucanis, who could hit a target with half the practice Illario needed. Lucanis, who brightened the scowling eyes of Caterina when all she turned on him was the latter.

Lucanis, who had told him not to worry and sat with him until he could consistently hit his targets. Lucanis, who hadn't even been too cross when Illario'd pushed him in the canal over the last pastry. At least, not too cross after he'd offered to split it.

Lucanis, who had disappeared.

It wasn't the first time, or even the second. Every time Illario felt the ancient, gilded villa close around him oppressively, too quiet, its distant mothball smell acrid to his nose. There was no one to joke to, no one to laugh with, no one to be teased by or to follow behind.

Once, left on his own he'd managed to flood one of the too-large sitting rooms with soot from the fireplace. He'd had trouble sitting down for a week after but he'd borne it without a peep, refusing to give Caterina the satisfaction. It had been more of a struggle to hold his face steady after the next time when all of the potted plants in the hall had become unpotted, casualties of his lonely game.

Illario padded down into the kitchen, where delicious, spicy and sweet smells were beginning to waft from in anticipation of dinner. Inside it he found no trace of his cousin, only the servants, some with hands covered in flour, some stirring at pots on the stove. He managed to wheedle a cookie out of them and continued back upstairs.

Illario set his jaw and stood up straight, shrugging out of the tightness and desperation of his mother's hold and wiping his eyes with the back of one hand. Perhaps if he had known that it was the last time he'd see her he would have stayed longer. Perhaps he would have kept more than the smell of leather and iron in his memory. He gripped the handle of the dagger at his side, which on his small body hung more like a shortsword.

"My brave little crow," Mama said, kissing him on his forehead between his eyes. "Handsome and fearsome." Then she had disappeared from the room and he heard the tumbling of the lock from the outside of the door.

Illario did as he was told and waited. He waited while he heard fighting and screams. He waited through thuds and the clattering of broken pottery. He waited when he heard the triumphant shouts of House Velardo when they found his brother in the next room, and all the while he prepared, his dagger handle slipping in his clammy, shaking hand.

Rounding a corner, Illario very nearly bumped into his cousin padding quietly down the hallway and leaving a trail of wet, muddy footprints behind him.

"Where've you been off too?" he asked, crossing his arms and looking down his nose at him, a bitter edge to his voice.

Lucanis lowered his shoulders sheepishly.

"Nowhere," he said, eyes downcast.

"Nowhere smells pretty rank."

Lucanis met his gaze and stood taller after the insult as if to defend himself, though there was no defending the canal-silt stench on his clothes. His brown eyes gleamed sharply.

"I was in the tunnels," he declared defiantly. "Did you know-" he started to say, excitement creeping into his voice.

"That they're horrible and wet and musty?"

"Well yes, but I also found-"

"The secret ingredient in a stink bomb?"

Sighing deeply, Lucanis rolled his eyes and mirrored his cousins's crossed arms, leaning his weight onto one leg.

"Nevermind. If you get over your fear of standing water I'll show you."

For a moment Illario's heart jumped at the chance to be asked to follow after him, disgusting tunnel or not. The insult to his pride was too great though, and if Lucanis really wanted him around he would have asked before and not just when he was cornered. He wouldn't have abandoned him and left him behind.

"I'm not afraid of anything! Its more fun up here anyway. If you stuck around you'd know."

"Your kind of fun always seems to end with a sore bottom."

"Suit yourself," Illario said, plastering on an arrogant smile to cover any trace of quivering on his features. "You're missing out, you'll see."

When the door finally opened Illario did as he had been instructed, stabbing at full force, expecting a knife to the gut when his own blow was deflected as if it were nothing.

Looking into his grandmother's hard eyes, her face and clothes splashed with blood, he knew with a bone-deep intuition that he was alone, the last of his family.