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danvazini · 3 months ago

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I’LL LOVE YOU TILL THE DAY THAT I DIE —

“have you ever lost someone you’ve loved and cared with your entire being without them ever being your lover?” the redhead asked her therapist, and the raven haired woman just stared at her.

now playing : Birds Of A Feather by Billie Eilish

(📓) angst , main character deaths, suicide, heartbreak, depression, grief, some comfort?, starving mentions, lara stops taking care of herself, depression, guardian angel mention, manon visits lara a lot in her dreams, college au, lara goes to manon’s grave a lot, non idol au, lara never gets closure after manon’s death, also lwk karina from aespa as lara’s therapist , established relationship (best friends), no one gets a happy ending.

(💚) i haven’t written for my babies in a while so heres a little marz angst since they haven’t got one in agesssss. of course, i literally don’t wish this type of pain on anyone, not even my worse enemy (i actually would). as stated this does contain a lot of heavy topics, so if you cant read this one then you can always find a light hearted fic somewhere on my page, and be sure to take care of yourself.

previous katseye works

word count : 5.8k

—

it was almost midnight, on a cold and rainy night when lara was making her way back to her dorm room which she shared with one of her friends, when she walked in her roommate was gone which was expected becaue she worked till later in the night.

while she was showering, her phone rang. she stopped her shower for a bit, to answer it. she heard a friend on the other end hysterical, she was crying, basically screaming down the phone. lara was able to calm the girl before she told her what happened.

upon hearing this information laa's body just froze up, she didn't know what to do. her friend on the other end, sophia, was calling out to her despite not being able to form anything herself. lara just told her "thank you for telling me" before hanging up, she couldn't even put on anything.

despite not being changed, the indian woman laid in her bed, crying as her reality sunk in further as the moments passed on. she had just recieved the most gut wrenching call of a lifetime, one she prayed she'd never have to get. she didn't know what to do, she felt so empty so fast, like a half of her died.

"the signs were there though" lara read the messages people were leaving on her phone, it sounded so insensitive. she turned her phone off, laying on he back, sniffiling, "we swore to never leave each other" she whispered.

lara sighed, her head was pounding from how much she cried. she stayed in her room that night, her roommate coming home to no sign of lara aside from her car outside. the house was quiet, the ginger would walk upstairs, and knock on lara's door.

"hey..? are you okay?" megan didn't want to just intrude, but she was worried. she heard lara faintly reply, "yeah", which she just assumed was her being tired so she went off with her night. but something in the air continued to mess with her.

megan finally powered on her phone and saw she had 40 missed calls from daniela. see, it wasn't out of the norm for daniela to contact megan but the two weren't known to interact much outside of work but they attened the same university but here she was calling her, and 40 times was alot.

megan called the blonde woman back, assuming that it'd be daniela explaining why she needed megan to cover the rest of her shift and well, it was that but not exactly what megan thought to hear.

"megan?" she could hear daniela's choked up from the other line, "yeah? what happened?" megan asked upon hearing the blonde's voice. "it's about manon." daniela got out, making megan's heart drop.

okay let’s wait, first let's give some backstory on them, this friend group and who manon is. the group consists of six different girls, who all have somewhat different personalities, but somehow they seem click together well.

they all met in university aside from the youngest, yoonchae. yoonchae was really close with megan, due to them going to the same high school. the ginger introduced the brown haired girl to the others, she clinged to sophia the fastest due to their personalities, being so similar and them sharing the same habits.

the group was literally inseparable. honestly, anyone who saw them knew they were such a close friend group. everyone basically had a role, manon was the oldest of all the girls so she'd kinda be the "mom" while sophia was the leader because she always knew what to do in almost every situation.

and of course the other four girls had their roles in the group and it all just fit so perfectly. so where did it all go wrong? what was so bad about this night that sophia and daniela were blowing down lara and megan's phones?

what did the pair hear that made them so sick and numb? well, let's start off with yesterday. daniela and manon had been rooming together for a while and so they did their mornings routines together. for the last week easy, manon had been feeling down.

daniela could feel how heavy manon's energy was, it made her feel terrible herself. that morning daniela woke her up when she got up and took the swiss woman with her to the bathroom. "wake up you big baby" daniela tapped manon, pulling her attention away from the wall she stared at while she spaced out.

it was about that time of the year, manon had been experincing this for so long that she would just let it happen and wait for it to pass but daniela couldn't let that happen. the blonde had plans with the ginger woman, but she decided to bring manon along.

"ughh i wanna stay home" manon mumbled while daniela handed her some shoes, "no you're coming out and lara's gonna be there" which almost sparked something in manon, she really loved lara, and i mean loved.

see, manon had a much deeper bond with lara compred to the other girls, they connected on deeper levels compared to what they would with their dormmates. manon basically beat daniela to her car, and they drove over to megan's house.

when they arrived, lara was the one to open the door and running to manon and pulling her into a tight hug. they both giggled at the impact because they basically ran into each other, lara picking manon up with ease.

daniela walked inside of the house, seeing megan was in the back, somewhere in the backyard. "hey meg" the blonde said, appearing behind her. megan was crouched over, doing something, but daniela didn't question it.

it seemed megan was always up to something new. literally seeing her just doing shit was the most normal thing ever. it wasn't outside of her personality really. daniela went and set her stuff inside of the house before coming back with megan.

lara and manon were in the living room, this time just cuddling one another. it felt like time stopped everytime those two were together. their lives always felt like the were moving too fast, their brains were always thinking and they literally could never rest.

when they were together though? it felt like a paradise, no stress, no worries, they just felt like they're floating. you may think though, all the girls are around the same age, or about the same age, and so they all should have somewhat of a more equal experience level and they all should connect on such a deep level.

and that's right, they actually do, together. but manon had feeling for lara, she loved the redhead so much it would literally hurt her and she hated when she was feeling down because that meant she wouldn't be 100 around lara but the indian woman's energy always brought her back.

"i don't know were i'd be without you" lara whispered against manon's chest, and manon chuckled, "i think i know where i'd be" and lara perked up, "where?" and manon just shook her head, "it's okay", dismissing the entire ordeal but it made lara think.

she sat up completely, "manon, you know i love you, right?" and the brunette' eyebrows furrowed, "yeah..? why, what's going on?" and lara held her hands, looking at her, "i'm worried about you, why did you say that?"

and manon swallowed, "i just, haven't been 100 recently and today you made me feel better" and lara felt a rush of relief come over her, and smilling before kissing manon. "i'm happy i did that for you"

lara pulled the brunette back to her side, this time manon's head was restin on lara's shoulder, while she flicked through random things until megan and daniela cameback from outside doing who knows what to be honest.

some time passed before the latina and chinese women came through the door, "okayy let's go" you can hear megan say as they walked into the main room, where lara and manon were. the pair got up and made their way out with the other two, megan gave lara her keys and she rode with daniela.

but instead of going to the location, lara drove her and manon to a mountain peak. once they made it there, the pair got out of the car and went to sit somewhere random. something was in the air, manon felt like confessing right then and there —

something stopped her though, but the rehead could feel she wanted to say something. "did you wanna say something?" lara softly asked, her voice was always so light it warmed manon's heart everytime she heard it, "uhm, no....??" manon said, questioning herself while answering lara.

the indian woman couldn't bring herself to force manon to speak, so she left it alone despite how much the brunette would try, "i just wish you were able to read my mind" manon sighed out, making lara look back at her, "maybe just let me inside your mind, i might be able to find what you're trying to say."

and manon gave her a tight lip smile, and lara just chuckled before looking off. the pair sat in silence before the indian's phone chimed, she opened the message and seeing it was from daniela, "where did you two runoff to now?" and lara replied, "somewhere in the mountains" —

it all felt so right, that day her and manon were happy, so what happened within those two days that she just gave up? manon was known to miss alot of days of their classes, honestly it worried everyone that knew her. she'd disappeare for days at a time then she'd randomly come back.

but this time, she wasn't coming back. see, the day after her and lara's little run off from ther friends, they all spent the day out having the time of their life. manon was so giggly, so giddy and happy. you couldn't tell if anything was bothering her because she was so lively.

she went home before daniela did, well, to her own personal home not to the dorns, you see, manon had other plans. the brunette woman went under her bed, grabbing a box that she had been preparing for the longest time.

"today's the day" she said, sighing to herself. she didn't want to have to leave the girls she just met but it was that time. the brunette grabbed what she was using, her method of choice being overdosing. she had used the prescription her therapist had put her on a while ago that she wasn't taking regularly.

manon sat at her desk, writing down five different notes for each of the girls, leaving them a sweet message each personalized for them and all having a similar ending message with something along the lines of —

"don't blame yourself for this, you've done all you could and words can never thank you enough for giving me the happiest years of my life that i was never able to touch on my own"

when it came to lara's note, it was much harder for manon. she felt like she was abandoning the red haired woman but she also felt like lara could understand her. she could feel that lara would understand why she decided to just end it all now instead of continuing to fight for any type of happiness without being distracted or depending on someone else.

while manon wrote lara’s note, she had already taken the pills. as time passed, her eyes began to feel heavy, her phone was ringing under her body as she laid in her bed, but she wasn’t able to move. by the time that her phone sent the caller to voicemail, she had already passed out.

the caller being daniela, asking if manon was home, but it went straight to voicemail so she just texted the swiss woman and waited for her response. it was rather late in the night so daniela didn’t feel right forcing her to reply just yet but that would be proven to be the worst mistake daniela could ever make.

now i know what you're thinking, "why don't they just go over to manon's house and check on her?" — well, she never gave the look that she neeed to be checked on, the common misconception when it came to depression or one with suicidal thoughts.

it didn't begin to worry daniela until the next day when all of her calls continued to go to voicemail. she went to manon's house, knocking on her door but the brunette never came to answer it.

daniela took the spare key from under her sun visor in her car then went back up to manon's door, unlocking it and her house felt oddly cold. daniela didn't really bother to question that, honestly it was the last thing on her mind.

the latina woman ran upstairs to manon's room, knocking on the door. "her car is in the driveway" daniela thought to herself, before opening manon's door. at first she just sees the woman laying in her bed, so she began to just assume that the swiss woman was just tired.

but as she walked closer, she noticed manon wasn't breathing, she in fact hadn’t moved an inch since daniela walked in the house. daniela began to panic, shaking her friend trying to wake her up before manon ended up on her back and daniela tried picking her up.

she laid the woman on the floor while trying her best to revive manon, not having any idea how long manon was there. she called the emergency serivces, her hands were shaking as she cried, whispereing to manon, begging her to wake up and just say that it as a joke, that it's all just a prank.

but by the time the paramedics made it to manon's home, she was already dead. they tried everything they could to bring he back but nothing was working, and they asked daniela questions but she couldn't answer any of them.

daniela was frozen, seeing them put a sheet over manon's head and carry her out of the house, she felt her heart breaking into a million pieces, it felt like time had slowed down, basically stopped. it felt like that until someone tapped her shoulder, they asked daniela to come to the back because they found her notes.

daniela picked them up, and thanked them before going back to her car where she completely broke down. she didn't know what to do, she know she had phone calls to make now but she drove to sophia's house first.

the black haired waman had just gotten off of work, her night shift in the hospital, she had just got to her door when she saw daniela's car pulling into her driveway. sophia was lost, they had their tests soon and this was around the time she had to study before classes which were in a few hours, why was she here?

sophia walked off her porch, seeing the blonde woman get out of the car, "dani? hey why are you here?" sophia questioned but from the way daniela looked, it told sophia something had happned.

daniela just stood at the front door, her face red and eyes were puffy from how much she cried, she felt discombobulated. she had already called lara while she was driving to sophia's place, checking on her to see if she even knew but the red haired woman told her she was okay so daniela knew it'd be much harder letting her know what happened to manon.

daniela made it inside of sophia's home before telling her, the black haired woman just furrowed her brows, the information not registering in her brain. "this has to be some kind of joke, "manon isn't coming back" you're playing with me" sophia said doing air quotes, playing it off — but daniela shook her head, the fillipina woman stayed in denial until it clicked in her head, her heart started feeing heavier as time passed.

she felt like she was having an anxiety attack, she called lara, she didn't know why, hell daniela didn't even know, she was walking out to her car to get the notes manon had left for them. that's when sophia had told lara, but the call was different.

lara answered the phone, you could hear the shower water running in the background hile sophia was crying to lara, "l-lara.. m-manon ...she" you could her lara trying to calm down sophia, the shower water stopped before the indian woman spoke "what about her? what did she do?"

"she didn't make it" sophia got out, and lara felt her entire world stop. she didn't feel anything anymore, everything felt so cold all of a sudden, she couldn't even process the words, her ears began to ring.

the younger woman just simply replied saying "i-i'll call you back, thank you for telling me" sophia looked up, seeing daniela walking back up to her, with the papers. "those are her notes?" and daniela nodded.

the other two girls didn't know what was going on, at least they had no knowledge of what happened to manon by this point. megan was at work, covering someone else's shift while yoonchae behind in class to help the staff and teachers set up for the celebration they had going on later that week.

daniela decided to call megan after she got off of work, they tried to act as usual, how they'd treat any other day since thats what manon asked them to do once recieving the news but it was hard for them, harder for daniela since she saw them carry manon's dead body out of the house.

after daniela told megan, you could hear the ginger just laugh it off "yeah, no. she didn't do it." megan was in denial about her friend's death, daniela kept trying to tell her that she saw them carry manon out but the ginger wasn't listeing.

"i'll call you when i'm home" megan said, just laughing it off which worried daniela and sophia so they decided to dirve to megan and lara's place. the drive from their house to the ginger and red haired woman's home was a 15-20 minute drive.

by the time they got there, megan's car was already in the driveway and they knocked on the door. megan opened it, and automatically hugged daniela. the blonde woman held her in a tight embrace, rubbing her saying it was okay.

megan was in heavy denial just an hour ago, what happened that made her realize it wasn't fake? she heard lara crying, and asked her what was going on, lara tried beating around the bush but they know each other too well for them to lie to each other and lara ended up telling her the truth and thats when eveything clicked for megan.

the group walked inside, megan telling them lara was in her room. sophia walked upstairs to lara's room, to check on the indian woman but she had cried herself to sleep. sophia opened the door, and saw her laying there. sophia walked up to the sleeping girl and sat beside her, placing her hands on lara's back gently.

she could feel lara shifting in her sleep, her heart was heavy after this and it was the same or all of the girls. everyone grieves differently and in reality everyone was hurt but they had to put on a facade, a look to throw everyone away from suspecting things.

it was working until lara had a terrible mental breakdown during one of her classes, that made them question what was going on. lara normaly would cover for any of her friends absences if she was there to do so but by this point it had been a little while since manon passed, and like stated, she missed a lot of school.

lara and manon were taking at least one similar course, and that was the exact class lara had her breakdown during. the teacher pulled her aside and asked, "what has been going on with you?" the techer whispered to lara, after they walked out of the room. "i just.." lara sighed, trying to lie to her teacher about something but she couldn’t.

lara already felt so overwhelmed with all that was happneing, she just ended up telling the teacher, which her teaches gaze softened while she spoke to lara. "it's none of my business but i think you should try going to therapy. " and lara nodded, wiping her tears off of her face.

"i'll sign you out for the day, saying you have a family emergency or something similar. you'll be out until you can gcome back, what about the other girls?" the teacher was refering to the rest of their friend group and lara just shrugged her shoulders, she was overtimulated and the teacher quickly picked up on that.

"i'll email the other teaches and tell them to allow them to be out until they feel better" her teacher said before nodding and gabbing her bags from inside of the class then leaving. lara would go back home, feeling the emptiness that filled the house now, she went upstairs after leaving her bag in the car, falling face first into her bed and just sighing.

while lara laid in her bed, she could feel her heartbeat against her pillow. "lara?" the red haired woman heard a familiar voice, making her sit up. lara felt like she was going crazy, no one else was home but to make sure she called out for someone but no one answered.

once the house fell dead silent again, she heard the same voice speak, "i'm sorry". this made the indian woman start thinking to herself questioning who could be talking before she let the voice sink in her head, was it manon? it sounded like her, but, no, that’s impossible.

lara tried drowing it out, she put some headpones on and played some music, laying in her bed and as her thoughts slowed down, for the first time in so long lara was relaxed. while she slept, she heard the brunette girl again.

"hey, lara. i'm sorry for leaving you so soon" the swiss woman said softly, lara could feel the warmth of the clothes manon had on, she could feel the brunettes heart beat and she could feel the embrace.

lara cried as she hugged manon back, "i love you so much, you know?" manon said, it felt like lara was listening to an old voice message manon had recorded for her but it was all sureal. she could fee the hug, she finally felt somewhat happy with manon holding her.

"you were an amazing friend, but lara, i need you to do something for me" manon said, holding eye contact with lara, her thumb wiping across lara's cheek to wipe her tears, "i need you to stay strong for me, i need you to live out life for me. do what we planned to do for all these years"

lara nodded and she could feel manon kiss her forehead, manon smiled to her before lara woke up. everything that happened she could feel, touching her face she could feel the tear that fell down her cheek but she felt better now.

a few hours after this lara decided to start looking for therapist, finding one that was highly rated out of the entire city. lara contacted the woman and she was able to make her appointment for the next day, and that's exactly what she did.

the morning of the appointment, lara woke up happier than she did any other day, yeah she still had the anxiety but for reason she was more okay with this. she got dressed that morning and wore the perfume manon always said she loved on her.

lara got in her car, and mapped out where the location was. while she drove, she could hear little voice speaking, but it was all manon's. she payed attention to them and it as all little things manon would do or say while they drove anywhere.

lara smiled to herself while she thought about their litte mountain date, that stayed on her mind until she made it there to meet her therapist.

the raven haired woman greeted her with a hug, "hello, you must be”, she said as she went through her schedule after breaking the hug, “lara raj?" “yes that's me" lara nodded, and karina suggested they go inside and get the sessions started.

"so what seems to be bothering you?" karina asked, "well it's been the death of my friend. i was really close to her" lara started, and continued to explaining her and manon's connection.

karina nodded as the indian spoke, then began giving her some advice on how to handle this chapter of her life and helping lara being to accept this being her reality now. lara took notes while karina spoke, taking every bit of information given to her and planning how she was going to make that appear in her actual life.

soon the days turned into weeks, those weeks turned into month after month and now it was the day of manon's funeral, lara was far from prepared for this.

building up to the day, she hadn't seen manon or even heard her voice, but here she was in her bathroom getting ready for the day that she knew would drain her beyond her capacity. — the day she had been dreading.

she had been so mentally exhausted ever since that night but today she wanted to try to not let it get the best of her, "hey lara?" lara heard manon's voice again while she spaced out, she was straightening her hair when the brunette called out to her.

it had honestly been so long that lara felt like she was going crazy again, today was the last day manon's body would be exposed to any type of sunlight — that it would be above ground. "thank you for not giving up like i did" the brunette said again, lara shook her head, trying to drown it out but it was like manon was in the room with her.

or, well. she literally was, when lara walked out of her bathroom, she noticed a small dip on her bed, like someone was sitting there, it was manon. now, lara couldn't see her but the swiss woman saw her. "you look so beautiful today" manon said as she looked at lara's outit.

it was color cordenated to manon's favortie colors, different shades and everything to match all that the love of her life enjoyed. "lara, be strong today" manon said, lara noticed the dip in her bed getting lifted before feeling that same warm air pass by her.

she could feel the gentle woman's hand around her waist while she pulled her into a hug, the light weight of manon's head touching her chest, gently weighing on her. "i love you" manon said, "even where i am now, i still love you so much" lara felt like she couldn’t breathe for a second, and she started crying. as the tears fell down her face, the indian woman could feel manon wipe it for her.

"please don't cry" manon whispered before kissing lara's cheek, "i'll see you soon, i promise. i have to go now, i love you" those were the last words lara heard from manon before she killed herself that day, but here she was hearing them again from manon's spirit.

lara nodded, "i love you too, darling" lara softly said, opening her camera and seeing manon smiling at her and waving before disappearing again. lara sighed as she closed her phone, putting on her shoes before grabbing her keys.

lara attened the feuneral and she handled it much better than she thouht she would've been able to. after they buried manon. everyone was geting ready to leave but lara stayed back.

she sat near where manon was buried and just looked at the sky, she began to disassociate from reality the longer she was there, it felt draining.

even though she came in so confident and handled it better than expected, she still felt every last bit of energy that was left in her body completely leave, while she just stood there, watching her casket going down.

she didn’t cry at all, not until now. lara felt weak in this moment, she felt like she was just a bag of flesh, something dead but was living still.

she tried getting up after a while of sitting there, but something pulled her from going away. she stayed there for another thirty minutes, and when she tried to get up, she was able to this time.

she looked down at manon’s grave, then the obituary that was in her hands. she had to drag herself to her car, driving home but after that day no one saw lara again.

and when i say no one — i mean, nobody. not even lara and megan’s cats had seen her, lara never went back to their home, she went back to her family home, that was now hers and she stayed there.

the days soon turned to months since anyone had last gotten any contact to lara, she was still grieving, deeply buried in her bed. she would always sleep, and as odd as that sounds she’d taken sleeping medicine to do so because that was the only time she was able to see manon.

and i know, wasn’t she still in therapy? — yeah, but she stopped going after a few appointments. the funeral really broke her, so bad to the point where she couldn’t even function normally.

but then a knock came at the door — she got out of bed, but her head was spinning. “shit how long has it been?” she said, sitting back down trying to make sense of time and what day it was.

she stood up and was able to make it through the hallways holding onto the walls, her head was pounding but someone was also knocking on the door. — she made it downstairs before opening it, seeing a worried sophia.

her eyes were squinted while sophia’s brows were furrowed, “lara..” thats sophia was able to make out, she looked at the way lara looked. she looked so, sick.

she walked into lara’s house as the redhead turned around, saying something about her head hurting and sophia hurried behind her. "lara? are you okay? no ones heard from you in months." sophia said, the worry was obvious in her voice.

lara sighed hen she sat down, "i'm .. i'm okay" she said, trying to keep her eyes open but sophia was already in front of her "come on lara, please be honest. this is nothing like you. where is the same lara we had two months ago?"

"she died, along with manon" lara said which took sophia back, " i thought you were in therapy and gettng help lara, thats what you would alway said and show us." but lara just chuckled, "soph", making the filipina look at her.

"yeah?" the indian woman just sighed, "its easier to sell off that i'm doing better but in reality, i'm really not, i mean for fucks sake look at me!" lara yelled as she pointed to her body. sophia gasped as she looked at how thin lara was, yeah she saw her earlier at the door but she didn't exactly look at her body.

sophia stayed for the rest of the day, trying to get lara to at an be active again, but at some point sophia left to go upstairs and lara hard the voice she yearned for. "hi baby" she could manon gently say, she looked down on the seat next to her, seeing a small dent, like something or someone was there.

"it's been so long, i know." manon softly said, pulling lara on her shoulder. "i saw you last night, you know. i decided to take over the plushie that you sleep with" manon said and chuckled. which made lara smiled, she just listened to manon while she poke smiling to herself.

it felt like she was in another universe now, she actually felt happier and like she existed. it lfelt like the real world stopped for a second, lara started crying again. she hadn’t cried in so long, the flood of emotions was too much for her.

manon soon left, lara feling the emptiness of her actual life and noticing that sophia was already behind her. "i'm gonna get goi- lara are you okay?" sophia said when she saw lara's face. "no no, yeahh, i'm fine soph. thak you." lara said and sophia smiled, "you're welcome"

not long after though, sophia left, which lara just went back upstairs into her room. she laid in her bed, staring at the plushie manon got for her and just laid there while her brain began to static.

her vision slowly grew blurry as time passed, and soon everything went dark. the echo of heartbeat began to grow louder, her ears began to ring.

soon all the sounds stopped, her ears fell dead silent, everything was silent. lara’s heart wasn’t even beating anymore.

it worked.