#me going back to pretending to be normal now yippie

[blessedcactus]

Today is the day!!! That said it sucks I woke up at 5am...I hope to rest as soon as my second appointment is over, though. Rn, outside of being tired and the usual, I am not so bad, so I also hope that stays until after my appointment!

[getwellsoondeer]

i am taking a big fuckin leap doing this. ego death is not for the weak, i am gods strongest soldier.

i am so fucking out of it, i feel like i'm genuinely going insane. i feel so detached from every part of my mind and i don't even know what to think of myself anymore. i feel so pathetic and weak and useless, i feel like everything i've ever done or relationships i've built up aren't even mine. i feel like i can't talk with anyone, a) out of fear of vulnerability bc i have no defenses anymore, and b) bc i feel like those friends and relationships aren't mine, like a different person entirely made those connections and i can't keep up what they did. it's been like this for weeks, but i keep having moments of feeling normal again, or like i'm at least getting closer to my normal and then it all crashes again. i'm just so tired of feeling like i'm in a constant battle with myself in my own head, and on top of that having to make sure things are appearing ok outside of it.

it's like in my head there are three people. they're all me, but ik that one of them is definitely actually me, like only i can see inside and still make all the decisions for my body outside. then one is just a younger version of me, they're always there and are never really an issue, but rn i want nothing more than to sit with them and hold them. ik it's probably just an inner child/age regression thing but fuck dude so many times now i've held onto something like a bundled up blanket or a stuffed animal and pretended it was them, and it sounds fucking stupid but that's all i can do to give myself an ounce of comfort bc nothing else can reach them rn.

the last one has just been a struggle honestly, ik it's not malicious or anything but i hate that it won't let me help myself out. it constantly has my arms bound behind my back and a hand over my mouth and i physically can't say the things i need to say. i'm screaming everything in my own head but i just can't say it out loud or express it in any form, i'm stuck shaking and pleading out to nothing for it to just let me ask for help or anything from anyone. apologies to anyone who saw me, a bear foot guy, shambling down the street at 2am sobbing and talking to myself. i was not in it to win it

hoping this ends soon teehee. everything talking about ego death says to just thug that shit out, so yippie!

[chocoluckchipz]

The Other You - 10

Read it on A03, FF.net, WattPad

< Previous

Being a physics teacher, Adrien was used to solving problems. Yet, finding a competent assistant for Marinette fast enough was proving to be more difficult than he’d ever thought possible.

Sure, there were hundreds of applications and resumes stored in Gabriel’s database but none of the qualified people contacted in the last two days had agreed to come for an interview. Most had already had a job. Others, though jobless, were not willing to give a seemingly doomed company a chance.

Adrien shouldn’t despair though… or at least, that what his HR manager had said as he left for the day. Surely, tomorrow they would find a person crazy enough to jump on board. They might need a little training and time to work on their skills but at least they would be there. Right?

Adrien sighed, leaning into his chair. No. Marinette needed a professional, not a student to teach right now. At any other time, that might have worked but not this close to the show that bore her professional future on its metaphorical shoulders.

Adrien glanced at the clock. Half an hour until nine. A smile found its way on his face, his mouth salivating from just the memory. Yesterday’s meal was the best he’d had in a long time. Marinette was an amazing cook. Adrien knew his cuisine. He could recognize quality when he tasted it.

“Time to go.” Adrien stretched, standing up. “Ready, guys?”

“What’s the rush?” Plagg yawned, lazily flying out of his basket. “You need five minutes to get there, tops.”

“We need to drop by a store and my apartment first.”

“What for?” the kwami grumbled. “Didn’t you run enough today?”

“I thought it’d be polite for us to bring a dessert,” Adrien replied. “And Duusu needs more grapes.”

“Yippie!” The peacock kwami flew out from one of the shelves, doing a flip in midair. “Can I get the sweet green kind with a little pinkish tint on them?”

“They are called Cotton Candy, Duusu,” Nooroo said, getting out of his pile of fabric. “And they're not in season now. You know that.”

“But what if they are?”

“They are not.”

“But what if they are?”

“Duusu—”

“If they’re in stock, I’ll make sure to buy you enough for a week,” Adrien interrupted, putting on his jacket. “Otherwise, I’ll stock on a variety for you to try. Sounds good?”

“Yes!” Duusu squealed. “Thank you! You’re the best Master ever!”

“Nooroo, you can take some of those cuts before we leave. I noticed you like them.”

Nooroo’s eyes lit up. “You’re so generous, Master! Thank you!” He dove into the pile to gather as many pieces of silk as he could.

Plagg huffed, rolling his eyes. “Nuisances. Did we really have to take them with us? They would’ve been perfectly fine staying home. Better yet dormant back in their miraculouses.”

“They’ve been isolated for long enough,” Adrien replied. “I think they deserve some freedom for once.”

“Not at the expense of my peace,” Plagg grumbled.

Adrien reached over and scratched his kwami under the chin, evoking an involuntary purr from him. “You’ll benefit from being around other kwamis, Plagg. Maybe then you’ll become less grumpy.”

“Being grumpy is not art just anyone can muster,” Plagg mumbled under his breath, flying into Adrien’s bag. Duusu and Nooroo, with his pile of silk cuts, joined him a moment later. Adrien turned the light off and walked out of the office. After a quick visit to a nearby grocery store, he transformed around the corner and headed home to drop off Nooroo and Duusu. Appeasing the kwamis with food and Netflix, Adrien changed into his loungewear so he’d be able to just plop into a bed right after Marinette’s, then headed off to collect his rent fee.

At exactly nine o’clock, Chat Noir knocked on her window.  

“Good evening, Chat,” she greeted with a smile.

Chat grinned and inhaled, stepping into the room. Delicious. His mouth watered. “What’s for dinner?”

“Quiche Lorraine.”

“Sounds yummy. Smells heavenly.”

She giggled. “It is yummy. Go wash your paws while I set the table.”

Chat obeyed, though it was awkward at best to wash his gloved hands, but he supposed it was justified, seeing as he touched all kinds of surfaces on his way here. As he settled down in front of a steaming slice of quiche, Chat could hardly contain his excitement. This genius rent fee was his best idea ever. Period. “Itadakimasu.”

Marinette snickered, putting a slice of quiche on her plate. “Careful, Chat. Your weeb’s showing.”

He grinned. “But it’s you. You know all my flaws already. I don’t have to pretend.”

She cocked her head to the side. “I thought you would have overgrown that stage by now.”

Chat gasped dramatically. “You can never outgrow the wonder that is anime! It’s not a phase. It’s a part of me! How could you imply so, Princess?”

Marinette laughed. “Alright, alright. Eat before you choke on your drool.”

“Don’t mind if I do.” Chat grinned before stuffing his mouth full of what he immediately judged to be the food of angels. “This is good. Very good. I could live off this my whole life.”

Marinette started on her own meal. “I learned my quiches from Papa. He’s the real deal when it comes to those. Mine aren’t up to his standard yet.”

“Says who? I remember your dad’s pies. They were delicious, but they weren’t better. In fact, in addition to being delicious, this quiche is also somehow different. There is something distinctly yours about it. So don’t you go selling yourself short.”

“You think so?”

He nodded. “You could make a fortune selling these. Marinette the Quiche Queen. I can see it now.”

Marinette laughed. “Dork. Don’t talk with your mouth full.”

“Then tell me how your day was while I indulge myself in this heavenly food.”

Marinette frowned, shifting her eyes to the side immediately.

“That bad?”

She nodded. “Since my assistant quit, I have to do twice the work now. And I was already struggling to keep up with my own portion. That’s why I’d stay overtime to finish whatever I couldn’t during the day, but now I can’t do even that so I’m falling behind already, and it’s only the first day.”

“Because of me and my rent fee?”

She shook her head. “Even if I didn’t have to cook for you, today my new boss enforced a curfew for us to leave the premises at the end of each working day. I have to be out of the building by eight or risk being sent on a mandatory day off the next day. And if that happens, I’ll fall even further behind which means Gabriel’s women’s line won’t make it to Paris' Fashion Week at the end of summer.”

“It’s good for your health and sanity, though, no? To get enough rest.”

“Not if I spend all of my ‘rest’ time worrying sick over not finishing my collection on time and losing my job, possibly my career, as a result,” Marinette grumbled. “Stupid curfew. Stupid Adrien. It’s like he doesn’t care in the slightest. Then, why should he care? Gabriel’s men’s line is on time and looks good. Adrien has nothing to worry about. It’s not like his whole future career hangs on that damned line.”

“I’m sure he realizes how important this is for you,” Chat said carefully. “Maybe he’s just trying to prevent you from killing yourself by introducing this curfew? Overworking and exhaustion can kill you, you know.”

“Then he could’ve just hired a new assistant for me instead,” Marinette murmured. “It would’ve been more effective.”

“And I’m sure he’s realizing that too and I won’t be surprised if he’s trying to find you one as fast as he can.”

Marinette fell silent as they continued to eat. When her plate was clean, she quietly added. “Sorry for being a downer. It’s just that… my whole career, my entire future is tied to that stupid line and this upcoming Paris Fashion Week. It will either make me or break me and after how much I’ve invested in this already… I’m not sure if I can handle the failure.”

Chat reached out, putting his hand over Marinette’s. “If I can help in any way, just tell me.”

She lifted her eyes full of tears to him, a sad smile on her lips. “You’re already helping, Chat. You gave me a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in. And honestly, this ridiculous rent fee of yours is kind of a godsend. I always enjoyed cooking. It helps me relax after a stressful day and knowing I have a friend to share my dinner with gives me the strength to hang on. So, thank you.”

“No need to thank me.” Chat shoved the last piece of his quiche in his mouth. “It’s not like I am not the one benefiting from this arrangement the most. Can I have one more slice, please?”

Marinette giggled, ruffling his hair. “Sure. And I’ll pack you some to take home.”

He closed his eyes in delight. “Thank you. Now I don’t have to admit I was already thinking of ways to beg you for thirds. This is undoubtedly the best meal I’ve had in the past few years.”

“Speaking of meals,” Marinette perked. “There is one good thing Adrien did with all the changes he’d implemented today.”

Chat quirked an eyebrow. “Oh? What is it?”  

“Well, I have no idea why since Gabriel is a huge company but his father never had a cafeteria on site. We had to either go out for lunch or bring our own, and with all the stress and rush, I did tend to forget my meals until I was starving. But then with all the work on my plate, I wouldn’t have time to go out, so I’d settle for a snack from a vending machine. But today, Adrien announced that starting tomorrow, we’ll have our own cafeteria with freshly cooked meals on-site. The best part—the company pays. All employees get food for free.”

“Wow,” Chat tried to look surprised. “Isn’t Gabriel in trouble? How can he afford that?”

“I have no idea,” Marinette replied. “But I’m not complaining. It’ll be nice to eat normal meals again.”

Chat Noir smirked. Money wasn’t an issue. Having a cafeteria on-site didn’t cost as much as everyone thought, and his father had left behind a far bigger fortune than anyone had realized. It was only fair that some of it would go into replenishing the health of employees who’d sacrificed their wellbeing catering to his father’s every whim.

But!

Marinette thought he had a good idea! Huh! What happened to that annoyed and grumpy Marinette that glared at him at this morning’s meeting when he gathered his lead employees and announced new implementations?

“Seems like this new boss of yours isn’t so awful after all. Those new rules don't sound too bad.”

“Free food—yes, not bad at all. Curfews—no. Burn them with fire.”

Chat cocked his head to the side. “I suspect there is a reason you’re huffy about the curfew. Don’t tell me you were planning to sneak back in to work after feeding me?”

Marinette stilled for a brief moment, then cleared her throat. “That’s ridiculous. Why would you think such a thing? Are you done with that?” She pointed to his plate, standing up.

“Marinette, no,” Chat sighed, now reassured he’d made the right decision with that curfew. It seemed ridiculous to enforce it in the first place since all but Marinette left work at a decent hour, but it was the only way Adrien could think of forcing Marinette to go home and rest. “Please, promise me you won’t do that. You have all day for work. At night, you need to rest. You already collapsed once. Let’s not repeat that.”

“Don’t worry, Chat. I wouldn’t sneak back in.” Marinette shrugged. “I can’t afford to get caught and be sent home for a day. Not this close to my goal, but—” she smirked, “—a curfew doesn’t mean I can’t take work home, right?”

“I guess it doesn’t.” Chat sighed, standing up. “I’d better get going then. We wouldn’t want you to spend all your evening entertaining me and then lose sleep working.”

“You know if not for work, I’d totally kick your ass in a video game now.”

“Well, then let’s hope your boss will find you an assistant soon, so you’ll have free time to do that.”

“Let’s do that.”

Marinette packed him half of the leftover quiche and half of the macarons he’d brought her, both of them agreeing that they were too full after the main meal to have dessert right away. Then, she promised him not to stay up too late, and with that Chat Noir departed. He did have a patrol to get to.

Chat stopped at a nearby roof, wondering if he should even bother with patrolling. Hawkmoth was gone. So was Mayura. Whatever small crime was going on, the police could handle it. Paris didn’t need Ladybug and Chat Noir anymore. They didn’t have to patrol. They could go back to a somewhat normal life. Take those masks off. Maybe, finally, start a relationship. They could be free.

He only wished he could tell that to Ladybug.

But…

That sort of revelation would entail a conversation Adrien wasn’t sure he was ready for yet. He would eventually… if only because Nooroo and Duusu needed to go back to the Guardian. But not now. Not yet. He needed time to wrap his mind around it all himself first before opening up to someone else. It pained him to keep a secret from his Lady. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to look her in the eye next time they met, but what could he do? How would he explain? Would she understand the shame and anger and confusion that was consuming him?

His baton beeped.

Ladybug: I hope you’re enjoying the weather, Chaton, and I’m sorry to ask, but would it be okay for me to miss a few more days? Work’s gotten harder for me to manage.

Chat Noir: Of course, my Lady. Take all the time you need.

Ladybug: I really am sorry. Message me if something happens.

Chat Noir: Not a problem. Good luck with your work! Hope it goes well.

Ladybug: Thanks. I’ll see you in a few days. <3

Chat Noir: <3

That settled it. Patrol abandoned, Chat Noir headed straight home. Once back at his apartment, he detransformed and plopped on his bed.

“Are you alright, Master?” Nooroo asked, floating closer.

“He’s fine,” Plagg grumbled from nearby. “It’s his normal state of brooding.”

“Are you sure?” Duusu frowned from his place in front of Adrien’s laptop. “My wielders—”

“Your miraculous was broken at the time, Duusu, wasn’t it?” Plagg rolled his eyes. “I know my kitten, and I’m telling you he’s fine.”

“I am fine,” Adrien decided to end the argument before it started. “Just tired. Lots of work. Lots of things I have to think about.”

Once again trying to concede his own father was Hawkmoth, Adrien’s mind raced to the events of the past. Little details. Tiny hints. Bigger slip-ups. How could he never have suspected anything? Even Ladybug figured him out that one time until…

“Say, Nooroo?” Adrien turned over and propped himself up to lean on his elbows. “If my father was Hawkmoth, how could he be akumatized? The Collector?”

“It can be done,” Nooroo nodded. “The butterfly wielder’s power is to give supernatural abilities to anyone, including themselves.”

“As long as there are strong negative emotions, right? That’s what we gathered over the years.”

Nooroo shook his head. “Not necessarily. Your father searched for people who were upset and angry because they were easier to manipulate. But when he akumatized himself or Mme Nathalie, for example, neither of them had strong negative emotions, just a goal in mind.”

“Wait!” Adrien sat up. “Nathalie? Are you saying Nathalie knew and was helping him?”

Nooroo lowered his eyes, glancing at Duusu, who promptly bowed his head.

Gears clicking in his head, Adrien stared in shock at the peacock kwami. His eyes bulged. “Mayura… Nathalie was Mayura, wasn’t she?”

Neither kwami spoke. Neither looked at Adrien.

Silence enveloped the room, no one daring to move or say anything until a quiet why slipped Adrien’s lips.

“We don’t have a choice but to follow the orders of our masters,” Nooroo mumbled.

Adrien shook his head. “I know that. I don’t blame you. I just… I don’t understand. Why would Father want to terrorize the city in his spare time? Why would Nathalie… She was… Why would she help him? Why would she know and do nothing about it? I just can’t…”

“For your mother,” Duusu spoke, flying closer. “Your mother was her best friend and your father had a special place in her heart. Everything she did was for them.”

“My mom?” Adrien frowned. “What does Mom have to do with all of this? She disappeared when I was fourteen…” His eyes widened as he sucked in the air. “A few months before Hawkmoth first attacked.” Looking straight at the butterfly and peacock kwami, he pressed his lips together. “What am I missing? Tell me everything.”

Nooroo glanced at Duusu before murmuring, “I don’t think that’s—”

Adrien stood up, a tight, uncomfortable feeling gripping at his chest. “This is my family we’re talking about, my father and his assistant who terrorized this city and tried to kill me for years, supposedly for my mother. Don’t you think I have the right to know?”

“Spill it, guys,” Plagg said, flying to sit on Adrien’s shoulder. “I’m rather interested myself.”

Duusu lowered his head even further as Nooroo sighed and gave in, disclosing to Adrien the story of a young Gabriel and Emilie, two adventurers in love who found Duusu and him buried under the snow on a random Tibetan mountain on one of their expeditions. They brought them back to Paris, Gabriel choosing Nooroo as Emilie favoured Duusu. Only the peacock miraculous was broken and an unfortunate accident soon after left Emilie in a magical coma.

“She didn’t disappear?” Adrien whispered, his head feeling dizzier and dizzier with every word that left Nooroo’s mouth.

The kwami shook his head. “Your father put her on life support and hid her in the basement under your house.”

Adrien’s eyes widened. “No. That can’t be.”

“He hoped that by obtaining Ladybug and Chat Noir’s miraculouses he’d be able to bring her back to life.”

“Why didn’t he take her to a hospital? They could’ve saved her.”

“A coma caused by magic cannot be resolved by human medicine,” Nooroo sighed.

“No.” Adrien backed away, shaking his head. “This can’t be right. You’re mistaken. My mom disappeared when I was fourteen. They pronounced her legally dead a few years ago. We even had a funeral! I attended that funeral! Don’t tell me she’s still in a coma in the basement of my father’s house!”

“She’s not,” Nooroo replied. “There was a really bad rainy season a few weeks before that funeral. The basement flooded. The system that kept her alive was damaged. The back-up sustained substantial water damage as well and couldn’t kick in when her life support failed. Every minute counted, and your father and Nathalie were both out of the house that day. When they got back, it was already too late.”

Nooroo paused for a moment, letting his words settle in before adding, “Your mother’s coffin at her funeral wasn’t closed because it was empty. It was because your father had no way of explaining how after years of claiming his wife was missing, he suddenly had her body, looking just as young as the day she’d disappeared. I’m sorry, Adrien.”

Stunned, Adrien continued to shake his head, his feet and hands going cold. A chill ran down his spine, skin tingling with discomfort as he struggled to breathe. “No. You’re lying.”

“Kwamis can’t lie,” Duusu whispered. “We can avoid saying things but we can’t lie.”

“No,” Adrien kept repeating. “This… this can’t be true.”

“That’s why Hawkmoth vanished around that same time,” Nooroo said. “Your father had no one to save anymore.”

“No!” Adrien swore under his breath, turning away. This was too much. His mom had still been alive all those years. In a coma but still alive. His father fought them all that time to save her? Was it even possible? Ladybug explained the whole “ultimate wish” to him once, and if Adrien remembered correctly it was more of an ‘equal exchange’ deal than a wish. Was his father aware? He must have been. He had that book on miraculouses. Was he then ready to sacrifice another life for Mom? Someone just as dear to him?

Nathalie?

Or him?

His head spun, stomach violently churning. He leaned against the wall. Neither of those choices made it right. Mom would’ve never wanted that. She’d hate him for doing so. Heck! She’d snatch those miraculouses off him and reverse the wish! Adrien could see it even now. Fierce, always ready to defend justice, and immeasurably kind. His mother was his role model. And as much as Adrien would love to see her again, he knew she’d never let someone else die for her sake. Father should’ve known it as well. How could he claim to have loved her if he was ready to violate something so fundamental to her beliefs? And at a price she’d never agreed to pay?

“Adrien?” Plagg appeared in front of his face, looking rather distressed himself.

Adrien raised his watering eyes to his kwami. “He was a monster,” he whispered. “He was insane. I need… I need to go. Plagg, claws out!

A bright flash of green and Chat Noir sprinted across Paris, not bothering to choose a direction. He just ran. Ran until he collapsed from exhaustion on a random roof, unable to contain his tears anymore.

Next >

[asryakino]

Okay

Okay yeah

I’m under a LOT more stress than normal right now. And my stupid little brain is compartmentalizing it into trauma size and worry which is a nice thing for it to do. But it results in me feeling like I’m super stressed and not expressing it enough becuase the Emergency Shutoff valve for Emotion (tm) has been hit and I’m just... numb now.

Just fucking numb. Started off with coming home between shifts (as usual) to discover the battery in my laptop had decided to bulge and the registration I did four years ago never fucking took. It was out of warrenty by now anyway but still. Panic. Called company, got battery part number - had to call while in front of mom because THAT was when they picked up - immediately set off one of mom’s triggers about how shitty her laptop is because she chose to go back to the one she hates over learning to use the tablet computer. Stepped out to the mailbox only to discover that we’ve been reported for having (gasp* BOXES on our screened-in front porch. I had to call city ordienence and hope this was a misunderstanding about my ugly ass container garden made of upcycled kitty litter containers. The woman who wrote the violation? Not answering the phone. So I get to stress about this because the LAST violation WARNING please note this is a WARNING that’s IT a notification of the rule being broken. My mom HOUNDED about it for TEN FUCKING YEARS. And I only JUST got her to shut the fuck up about it. I could not, for the sake of my sanity, allow her to find out we’d been reported by some scumbag in the neighbourhood. Left a message, stressed more about what to say/do/how to deal with this situation.

okay... dealt with that. Then went to work for second shift - stressed and on edge because my driver’s been getting onto me about every little thing because her sister has been visiting, and she’s been unconsciously bringing THAT stress onto the bus and affecting her work. I’ve been respectfully silent on the matter while she’s chewed me out over every little thing. I was battling a migraine by this point and covered my eyes to fend off as much stimulation as possible while I try to conserve enough fucking energy to pretend to be a functioning adult while the kids are on. Stress more about whether our trouble kid will be riding because I do not have the brainpower to deal with them.

Trouble doesn’t ride, other kids are as alright as can be expected. Driver is still being distant. City Code woman calls mid shift, and I have to tell her I have to talk to her when I’m NOT at work. But OH she won’t be in her office again until WEDNESDAY. Which puts the posted time limit on the fucking violation SHE WROTE at fucking HALF before I even find out what I have to do to correct for this shit in the first place.

YAY more stress. yippie.

By now my jaw is hurting, my head is throbbing, my knees and ankles are killing me and my elbows have popped due to fidgeting flex and tension dislocating my fucking joints again.

Drop kids off, try to finish paperwork as necessary, think I have everything done, make escape to have a cry in the car and try to relax just a LITTLE bit to deal with this shit.

Go home- mom is still in bad mood, no relaxing happening tonight. Get a text from driver where she announces that she’s going to have to get a new aide who can do all the paperwork properly (I missed one part of one section) and that “won’t eat, sleep and play games instead of doing work. [I] have NEVER had an aide act like this!”

Note - I don’t sleep on the bus. I put my head down to counter the overstimulation of afternoon sun, passing traffic, and scenery.

I don’t “play games” on my phone. I READ. And since we’re allowed books, there should be no problem allowing electronic books. But when she complained I stopped even doing THAT because it upset my driver.

So I don’t put my head down to keep out overstimulation, and I can’t read to provide my own stimulation. So instead? I’ve been staring and zoning out at the back of the seat ahead of me instead. This she has interperted as me sleeping apparently.

Eating - she eats every day, and I eat most days because I don’t do well on the whole -eating- thing so I MAKE myself eat small snacks to keep from passing out.

She has an obsessive need to have a floor on a schoolbus you can apparently eat off of. And compulsively cleans the bus 2-5 times a DAY, with SPECIAL attention around MY seat because either consciously or unconsciously she considers ME a mess. She ALSO considers the children messes, and has yelled at them and insisted I enforce a stupid ass level of cleanliness that most NICU don’t enforce. Example - the kids are not allowed to TOUCH the windows or it upsets her. They are all visibly upset and scared of being yelled at by her for touching the windows.

her text just set me off the deep end and I shut down immediately to respond that I was sorry for my failings and she has made it extremely clear that I am not fit for this work and job and that if she wants a new aide I will set aside so she can have one that better fits her. My mind is already made up, I’m requesting another assignment for next year - literally any other assignment at this point because she has made it EXTREMELY clear thorugh her words and actions that I am not welcome in her space and she doesn’t feel I am able to perform my work at all.

When I had to write up a kid, I wrote out the exact details and times of what happened. She took it upon herself to rewrite the write up and put her own version of events. Which was esclated as to what really happened and caused issues when trying to explain the situation.

So I came home to all that bullshit, then drove an hour to do a grooming job that helped somewhat with the stress. But the stress immediately returned when my mind was no longer on the topic of grooming cats.

Coming home I stopped for pizza as a way to placate mother - and noticed my engine was making a bad knocking sound. The sound worsened until saturday morning when it sounded as if I was going to blow a piston out of the engine block. Oil was bone dry, transmission was dry, added each and additive to help... sound still there and steadily getting worse. Go to mechanic on the way to my dad’s. NOW having to deal with a panicked mother who is panic stressing about the engine noise that we can literally do nothing about. Go to mechanic, who says it’s a piston or arm and the engine is fucked and on a timer to self destruction - I just dropped 2k in repairs on it about two months ago.

MORE STRESS

Fan fucking tastic.

go to store to get dinner, go to dad’s...

dinner and movie is good, tablet is chugging and won’t play games. Eh.. is fine.

Put mom to bed, watch final movie with dad, go to bed.

Discover 8d music - some stress removed.

Mom starts having a massive seizure- shaking, foaming at the mouth, non responsive, eyes rolled back grand maal seizure. Get dad, call 911, have to direct them how to get to her bedroom, direct them how to get her out of the house and to the ambulance because my dad’s house is weird...

follow to hospital

sit in ER for nearly 14 hours for them to determine they have no idea what happened, but that she def had a seizure in front of them (an absent one) and what I describe is a grand maal, and that they just don’t know what happened.

truck still sounds like shit

dad finds replacement truck in my city for 2500$

cool cool

dad already dealing with dropped house insurance, busted ass roof, and possibility of being kicked out of his house because of tax prices and bullshit because he can’t hold a job because of shit that happened 30 years ago.

yay more fucking stress.

so yeah

I just really fucking feel like dying right now mkay?

[toukenra]

So for my request, let's say the fem!saniwa is given a few days a year to go back to her timeline to give her report to the government. So she sneaks out at night one time, so as to not bother anyone, to return to her timeline. She didn't realize one of the boys followed her there. But she can't just send Yasu, Kashuu and Mutsu back so she takes them along. How would they protect their saniwa in the dangers of this unknown timeline? And how would they enjoy this alone time with her?

Okay so for this scenario let’s pretend the Saniwa is from our current time and goes back to let’s say Tokyo, because a) it’s my favourite city in the world and hopefully I can go back there soon and b) wouldn’t it be fun to send our ancient swords into a megacity like Tokyo where they are very likely to be overwhelmed by the blinding lights and heavy traffic I really like this one bless you for sending this in cutie pie! ( ˊᵕˋ )♡.°⑅

*kracks knuckles* time to bring in my knowledge on Tokyo hehe (￣ω￣)

Mutsunokami

he is so pumped

this is going to be the adventure of his life (and your personal nightmare)

your first instinct is wanting to scold him but seeing this excited face who could say no am i right

there’s never a dull moment with him and you’re really torn between deciding whether this is a good or bad thing 

you actually saw your life flash before your eyes when he ran onto Shibuya Square to inspect this new kind of horse

*sighs* that’s a car darling

honestly tho you’d be the one protecting him mostly from himself

hyperactive puppy on the run where’s the leash?

get ready for being dragged to every food stand

but he’s also very interested in how the country he once knew like the back of his hand has changed and flourished over time so you take him to visit the National Museum for a history class that takes the whole day

Odaiba Beach becomes his favourite spot because are those giant steel monsters really ships?? and they can travel around the world so fast??

someone tell him about planes and skyrockets pls i’m laughing my ass off lol

photos, tons of photos and he even gets you to buy him a new reflex camera so he can take a lot of photos 

(and rub them into Izuminokami’s face when you come back to the citadel haha)

Kashuu

so outwardly he would be very apologetic about following you without your permission but in his head he is shamelessly jubilating about getting to spend some quality time with you alone (yippie ya yeah)

very intrigued by shopping malls and IDOLS! but moreover your modern outfit 

you just look so cute and dashing in your modern dress his face is turning into a tomato and so are you when he won’t stop complimenting you

‘You look really cute in your clothes Aruji. You really are a natural beauty’ - cue heavy blushing from you: ‘Eh..I beg to differ, I’m not as cute as you Kashuu.’ get a room both of you

at first he tightly holds onto your hand your knuckles are almost going pale, partly because he’s mortified at all the heavy traffic and mass of people surrounding him but when people start mistaking him for your boyfriend you can bet your ass he won’t let go of it. 

EVER

just look at the two of you strolling around the avenue hand in hand like a real couple on a date

also Kashuu definitely gets mistaken for a model more than once

he is GLOWING with pride and I can assure you that this surely contributes to his ego inflating to the size of Australia

trying a Sakura Cream Latte at the Shibuya Square’s Starbucks is a must and he may or may not spent a little too much money on clothes and beauty products and souvenirs for Yasu

pray for both your souls because Hasebe is going to ground you when you come back lol

Takeshita Street becomes his favourite spot ever, because he’ll drag you into every photo booth

when both of you come back to the citadel poor Yams won’t hear the end of his trip with you 

Yasusada

ok first of all let’s get rid of your sword Yasu 

why? because normal people in this time period don’t walk around heavily armed

even though he’s very concerned that without his sword he won’t be able to protect you in a case of an emergency he eventually lets you hide it (somewhere idk where tbh) and pick some casual clothes for him

can we agree on Yasu in jeans, sneakers and a hooded sweater? because this mental image is killing me right now

totally the type to fight a car because why is it trying to run him over

enemy spotted

cue heavy sweating from you because people will definitely film him and put in on youtube lol

so before you can even think about reporting to the government you’d have to sit him down in a nearby park and explain to him the basics about the modern world

and how are you going to explain this tumult to your superiors? oh dear you’re grounded

even though he finds the skyscrapers and metro very exciting he actually prefers relaxing and eating a shared Bento box with you at Meiji Shrine

mostly because it reminds him of more peaceful times but also because he gets to spend some time alone with you

when you take him up the Sky Tree at night and watch the city lighten up even more you can’t stop smiling at his face pressed against the glass and his eyes almost popping out of his head

he is so pure and excited who wouldn’t smile when he smiles???

prepare for overly jealous Kashuu when he comes back to the citadel it ends up with literally every sword begging you to take them with you next time 

Oh Lord what have you done?

I mean, can you imagine the chaos it would cause if you’d arrive in modern Tokyo with more than 40 very handsome men at your side? Because this thought literally makes me tear up right now ok byee ~

- Mod Pancake🥞

[danglydolan]

Picnic ♡ Grayson

Summary: Vacation is almost over which is the reason you are stressing out, starting a new school and all of that. Grayson decides to surprise you by taking you on a nice picnic. 

Word count: 2.020

A/N: This is just a fluffy imagine for those who start school (or have already started) and need a reminder that they will do great! I believe in you :) Do your best and study hard, because hard work always pays off! Xx

Requested!

The early morning sunlight was the reason you had woken up so early today. You opened your eyes and closed them immediately when you glimpsed at your phone and saw how late it was; 8.30. Too early to wake up at a Sunday morning in your opinion.

After turning around to get comfortable til the point you were wrapped between the sheets, you realized that you weren't able to fall back to sleep again. But why would you? It was the very last day of your vacation and no way you were going to waste that.

Although it was Sunday and that was mostly one of the days you loved the most, today was the very opposite. The whole week you had been hoping that these last few days of your holiday would slow down a bit, so you could enjoy your last spare time with your boyfriend.

But the thing is; the slower you want things to go, the faster they will eventually. And just as any other day they fly by and then suddenly it is Sunday again. On Monday you were going to start your very first day at college. Yippie.

You were more nervous than excited. A new school, new people, a new city... Everything was going to change. And you were the type of person who liked to stay by the old and familiar things.

You turned around and catch sight of your favourite person laying next to you; Grayson Dolan. He was laying on his chest, head on the corner of his pillow. He looked so dreamy and pretty that your heart melted. He wasn't wearing anything but a pair of boxers, and as usual you were the one who had stolen the sheets throughout the night. Not on purpose, of course.

You held your hand out and let your fingers trace his back, which was warm from the sunlight. You chuckled softly when you noticed the red scratches from last night on his normally oh so smooth skin.

After a while Grayson woke up and blinked his eyes a few times, before he glanced up to meet yours with a small smile. 'Wake up, sleepy head,' you whispered and leaned in to kiss him  on his cheek. 'Hey baby,' he grunted, his voice a little raspy from the sleep.

He cleared his throat and turned around, so he got to lay on his back. He looked very sleepy with his hair sticked to his forehead, something he always had when he just woke up. You scoot closer and press a light kiss onto his chest.

'Any plans for today?' he asked, grabbing your hand after you pulled back. You shook your head. 'What do you think of just staying in bed today? Eating pancakes and watching some Netflix?' you asked. Grayson played absently with your fingers, the look on his face questionable.

'Hm... Not that that doesn't sound appealing, but what do you think of going on a hike today?' He gazed at you, and you had to keep your face straight to hide the surprising feeling you felt. 'A hike?' you asked. You were a bit stunned that he rejected your offer, since that was something you guys did a lot on weekends.  

And if you were completely honest, hiking was the last thing you wanted to do today, especially today. All you needed was to take things easy for as long as possible. As soon as school would start again you were going to be walking a lot.

But it was Grayson's last day to spend time with you as well, so you just decided to go with it. At the end of the day everything you did with Grayson was fun. 'Yes, sure. Sounds good,' you said.

❊ ❊ ❊ ❊

'I. Can't. Breathe,' you said, gasping for air after every word you spoke. Grayson, who stood a few meters before you, suddenly held his step and turned around to watch you. 'We're almost there baby, just hold on a little longer.'

If it wasn't for the weather today, the hike with Grayson had been more than awesome. You had seen many animals and Grayson had chosen a beautful hiking trail. But it was so bloody hot and there wasn't any wind to make it at least a little bearable.

You were glad you put on some sunscreen and deodorant, but you were sure you were still burned and sweating like a pig. 'Grayson,' you begged and closed one eye to look up to him.

For a reason you didn't know he had no trouble with the heat at all and he still looked like a Greek god. He took a few big steps and within two seconds he stood beside you.

'We're almost there, I promise. Do you want me to carry you?' Grayson asked sweetly. 'No no, I'm fine. But what do you mean, 'we're almost there'? Where are we going?' Grayson grinned and took your hand. 'You'll see. Now come on.'

Grayson hadn't lied. It didn't take longer than five minutes before you finally reached what he called your destination. When you were at the top of the hill after an hour long walk, you couldn't believe your eyes. You had never been in a place like this before.

'Grayson... It's so beautiful here.' You looked around you, taking it all in. You had reached the top of the hill now and there was an outstretched meadow in front of you, covered in sunshine and daisies. Grayson sighed. 'I know right? Ethan and I came here a lot when we were little. Now I come here rarely. It's a place to just think and clear your mind.'

'I bet...'  you said. 'Wait... what is over there?' You pointed your finger in the direction where a big tree was standing. You didn't know what, but there were things spread around the tree. 'That was the surprise,' Grayson smiled and looked at you. 'A surprise? For me?' You asked, not convinced.

❊ ❊ ❊ ❊

'Oh my God. This is so sweet, Gray.' You sat down and Grayson followed. 'It's nothing,' he said modest, but his cheeks turned red at your compliment. He reached for the picnic basket and started to get out all the things he prepared and bought for the picnic.

Crispy croissants, watermelon, grapes, a pack of oreos, a bottle of water and a bottle of freshly squeezed orange juice. All of your favourite foods. Something you adored about Gray was that he always remembered the littlest of details, such as your favourite fruit, your favourite cookies and your favourite drinks.

Of course, that wasn't the most important thing for a good relationship, but it was just so nice of him to do this. He also knew you loved picnicking, but it wasn't something you did regularly because of your busy schedules.

You watched Grayson with a big smile as he grabbed two cups and poured in something to drink for the two of you, his face in a small frown as he tried to not spill on the red and white blanket you were sitting on.

'Cheers,' you toasted before you took a sip. 'Cheers,' Grayson smiled, winking at you. It was almost terrifying how big his hands looked compared to the cup and compared to yours.

After you had eaten a croissant and a big piece of the watermelon, you sat back and leaned on your elbows, letting the sun warm your face that was sheening through the leaves. Luckily you had coolen down a bit from the long hike. It was much more enjoyable in the shadow than walking out in the sun.

You catch Grayson looking at you and you give him a sweet smile. It had been quiet for a while now, listening to the birds and buzzing bees around you. Something you noticed was that there wasn't any sign or sound of a car, a plane or anything that you always heard if you were in the city.

It felt like you were far away from the modern world and no one would ever know. A fresh breeze blowed the hair out of your face and you inhaled deeply. You closed your eyes, simply enjoying the calm feeling you had. You didn't mind Grayson and you were quiet; it was actually quite nice. It gave you some time to organize your thoughts.

An angelic voice made your eyes flutter open. 'I wish we could do this more often, you know that?' Grayson said. You nodded and sighed. 'Me too. I still can't believe you did this, Grayson,' you told him. 'You make me sound so unromantic, Y/N. I love doing  things to make you happy!' Grayson said, eating the last piece of his croissant.

'No! I-' you objected, but Grayson laid his hand on yours, calming you down. 'I was just kidding, baby. I thought I'd do something that would clear your mind before you started at your new school. You have been acting so anxious these last few days and I was worried. I figured maybe this would help.'

You brought his hand up to your lips, pressing a chaste kiss on the back of his hand. He bit his lip. 'It did. Thank you,' you said gratefully. 'So, when did you set all of this up?' you wondered. 'This morning,' he answered proudly. 'Ethan and I went to the store and bought the food. We went to this hill and set everything up, then I went back to the apartment and I pretended to be asleep. I was just five minutes back before you woke up.'

He grinned after he said that last sentence, realizing his plan almost had failed. You narrow your eyes. 'So Ethan is in the complot as well?' 'Uhuh,' Grayson nodded. 'That's very sweet of him. But why? Couldn't you take all of this stuff up here on your own?' Grayson acted like he was offended and was about to answer, but you quickly added; 'I guess those arms don't prove much, do they?' Grayson laughed his heartwarming laugh. 'Shut up, Y/N.'

'Make me,' you said softly, watching him with a serious face. Grayson looked like he was atonished by the change of the situation, but he recovered quickly. He raised his eyebrows and a cheeky smile played around his lips. You giggled, knowing exactly to what this would lead.

'C'mere,' was the only thing he said. You scooted closer, still giggling. He leaned in and you thought he was going to kiss you, so you closed your eyes and waited until his smooth lips would touch yours. Suddenly you felt two hands grabbing your waist and pinning you down.

Suddenly, without a warning, he started tickling you everywhere. You squeeled and laughed, your hands trying to push him away. 'So you think I'm not strong, huh? I guess you should take that back, baby girl.' You almost weren't able to speak, still laughing and trying to escape.

'N-Never!' you giggled. When you were gasping for air and you almost couldn't breathe, Grayson decided it was enough and he helped you sit up straight, still chuckling in amusement. 'You call that a punishment?' you challenged him. You were not finished with the fun yet.

Grayson smiled broadly. 'You are unbelievable, Y/N. You want me to really punish you?' 'Depends on what kind of punishment...' you whispered and leaned in, kissing him on his soft lips. 'Hmm... No, no,' Grayson hummed against your lips when you tried to pull back.

He closed his hands around your cheeks to stop you from leaning back. You giggled against his mouth, brushing your nose against his. He smelled sweet and tasted like watermelon.

He parted your lips and let his tongue find it's way between your lips, wanting to taste all of you. A long minute passed and slowly he pulled back, stroking his thumb against your cheek.

'I love you, Y/N. You are going to do amazing in college. I have so much faith in you.' Your heart fluttered at his kind words. Grayson never failed to make you feel better. 'Thank you, Gray. I love you too.'

[artificialzeezee]

Sorry to my unknown lover.

Summary: Based on Halsey’s song ‘Sorry’. Roy reflecting on what he won’t let himself have. Roy reflecting on his insecurities and his mistakes, and the love he let slip away before it ever began. A drabble about Roy and Shane, and what never was.

“All you are is a bastard! You could never be someone’s boyfriend because your tongue is already so far up your own asshole!”

“Real classy, Shane. Keep ‘em coming, you think I haven’t heard this song and dance before?”

“Of course you have, I just never thought we’d play it! I never thought you’d be like this to me!”

-

Roy didn’t enjoy arguing. No sane minded individual did, unless they had some sort of God complex- and contrary to popular belief, Roy didn’t have one of those. Roy didn’t take pleasure watching people he loved in pain, he didn’t get a kick out of tears and screaming, and he wouldn’t choose to repeat any of the dark nights where his voice went hoarse shouting, while his partner curls up in ball of self pity on the floor. For Roy, arguments had become a regular visiter, but not a friend he greeted warmly. Just an acquaintance he begrudgingly accepted. All his previous relationships ended not with a whistle, but with a bang.

How did he end up here? A Friday night, laying on the grass of his garden, staring up at the stars and letting the summer breeze whistle past his anxieties. The over grown grass blades tickling the exposed parts of his skin, the midnight blanket attempting to coo him into a blissful state of relaxation, and the hammering of his heart drumming louder and louder every second he represses the aching of his chest. He should be out on the town, breaking hearts and living the extravagant life of an L.A bachelor.

This was a normal thing he did however in times of great difficulty. He use to retreat to a field a few blocks down from where he lived as a kid when he got stressed. When his mother flipped out after finding the red dress under his bed, when his father told him about his grandfathers heart attack, and when he’d gotten into a huge fight at school after a jock called him a faggot one too many times. He coped with fresh air, and silence, letting his conflicting emotions battle it out civilly. Roy would briskly trudge up the hill, counting every breath he took on his trek, and then lay under the twinkling night sky above him. Thoughts would begin to untangle from the web like a lucky fly, and the spider that spun the dread and anger from corner to corner of his mind would eventually rest. Then he was left fragile, but tranquil. He could breath again without the pang of rage boiling at the centre of his soul. Roy watched the silver balls of fire sit still and calm in the void, and he’d imagine himself to be them. 

Against all odds, the stars weren’t sucked up by the mind numbing darkness. They carried on triumphant and bright, beautiful no matter what surrounded them, and he took inspiration from them. 

He came out to his family. He started performing on bigger and better stages. He got a job as a costume designer. 

He won Drag Race.

Somehow he always ended up the same way, as if he was still the twig-like, trifling kid from way back yonder. Laying on grass, trying to relax his rigid, uneven breathing, and over thinking to a point he may explode like a volcano. Why did it all have to be so familiar? Why couldn’t he move on, and stop relating to the 11 year old that would scream angrily through the burning tears streaming down his cheeks, crying into the empty space of an uninhabited park. 

Roy rested his hands against his chest, focusing on the way they lifted and fell in time to his breathing. He began untangling the irksome knots of his worries, but he finds himself stuck on the most infuriating, intangible thought that he wanted to avoid at all costs. How foolish was he to pretend it would simply go away with some air and concentration. 

Shane. The one and only reason he was currently laying in his garden at 12:42AM, with goosebumps and a sour expression on his face. 

They’d gotten into a huge fight, and it had felt like an eternity of shouting until eventually Roy stormed off, driving into the night with Shane screaming bloody murder after him. His voice became nothing but a ghostly echo, and Roy was left with an eerie silence he didn’t feel any better about. Now he was all alone, he missed Shane, even at the worst. To miss the sound of someone’s screeching, even the sound of their heart ripping apart...did that make Roy satanic, or just human? 

/

A few weeks after he was crowned on Drag Race, he was in a club with Shane; as regular as any other night on the tear with his friend. Arms slung over one another as they merrily sang along to whatever the DJ was playing, cheeks pressed together and words tossed around with little concern for the shattering effect they may have in the light of a sober morning. 

Maybe it was the smell of apples in Shane’s hair, or the sparkling in Roy’s eyes, or maybe it was the bass pounding their blood through their bodies, but something was different that night. Shane laid his eyes on Roy in a way no one ever had, and as fast as the thought even crossed his mind, Roy threw himself at Shane for a sloppy yet passionate embrace. 

Blurred delights and burning loins, Shane led Roy back to his hotel. Hands nervously tugging at damn material blocking their desires, hair caught in the tight fist of a lovers rushed need; the two barely had a second to take a breath before they were under the sheets, hot and sweaty. That was their first time.

It went on for months. Shane and Roy would meet, exchange pleasantries, have a couple bottles of wine, and find themselves in a mess of the others limbs, under a shameful blanket or duvet. 

Eventually, they stopped drinking wine. 

Eventually, they would sleepover after having sex.

Eventually, it was a dream come true...

So eventually, Roy felt claustrophobic.

He wasn’t good at relationships. He was good at casual sex, and he was good at being a shoulder to cry on, but the idea of someone depending on him, or his darkest, most vile secrets being shared with another person, scared him. Whole heartedly petrified him - spine tingling, hair standing up on his arms, sweat dripping down his forehead terrifying. Then there was the worst point of all, that this wasn’t just some yank he’d picked up at a bar, but it was one of his best friends.

And deep down, Roy knew he was falling in love with Shane, despite all the guards and walls he built up around him.

It was the most disgusting, despicable sensation to realise he was falling in love with Shane. It wasn’t the first time he’d been in love, but it was by far the worst, because the repercussions this time would mean tearing himself open, wounded and vulnerable. He knew so much about Shane - facts engrained onto the flesh of his brain, like his birthday or his best memory growing up, or even his mothers favourite song. So much about Shane had become who Roy was, and he despised the codependency they had fallen into. 

Watching his “boyfriend” in one of his work shirts as a nighty, cooking breakfast, shinning in the toils of the sun’s rays that leaked through the window. Listening to the angelic, carefree notes of Shane singing in the shower. Watching him beam with pride when he made Roy laugh. Shane had, unfortunately, become Roy’s favourite pass time, but he wasn’t overjoyed by the soft glow of new love. 

Commitment-phobe. That’s what Danny had jokingly tossed at Roy when he told him about his hatred for relationships. Who was Danny to talk anywho? The boy who wrote songs about fake falling in love with a stranger on holiday, and ending every relationship he had before they got too intense. Danny was a commitment-phobe just as much as Roy probably was.

But, he was young. Roy couldn’t afford to keep jumping out of bed every time things got serious.

He didn’t want to be alone, not in a long shot! It was just, love was never a sure thing. Love wasn’t an unbreakable bond, and relationships could crumble and end in tragedy when placed upon the wrong person. Roy felt that he was the wrong person, and Shane was not. Shane was kind, and bright. Shane was warm, and loving, and had a whole world to offer a person. How could grumpy, workaholic, narcissistic, pessimistic Roy even think about taking that world away from someone who truly deserved Shane?

So he started missing phone calls. He stopped sleeping over the now infrequent times they hooked up for sex. He stopped putting in the effort in an attempt to distance himself and save the friendship he cherished.

/

*Tap, tap, tap.*

Roy sat bolt upright as the sound abruptly shook him from his thoughts, looking toward the source. There sat his precious dog Dede, whimpering as she gave him wide, pleading puppy eyes, scratching at the glass every couple of seconds. He snickered, hiking himself off the ground to let her out.

She pounced at his legs, letting out soft yippie barks of excitement as he fussed over her, and then they were both sat back in the middle of the garden, quiet and calm. Dede snuggled up in his lap as he stroked her, recalling where his thoughts last were.

Lost. He was now thinking about how much Shane use to pamper his dogs, spoil them like they were his own, and how the two adored Shane as much as they did Roy. He recalls the time they spent all morning in bed together, the two small dogs snoring at the foot of the bed. Shane resting on Roy’s chest, their fingers linked and held against his chest. Roy can still feel the gentle pitter patter of his love struck heart against his palm, trying to break it’s way out of Shane’s rib cage. 

/

I should never have kissed him. The most frequent thought that crosses Roy’s mind these days. Especially since the argument.

Shane had come round fuming, not even allowing Roy the chance to shut the door in his face since he had shoved his way through to the living room. His face was fresh with makeup, beautiful and soft, but nothing else he wore indicated drag. Obviously he’d rushed from a gig to get changed before bursting onto the scene. 

It started with an unnerving quiet, just the intensity of Shane’s burning glare. Roy felt his blood boil just having the usually calm boy’s eyes glued to him. Then came the shouting - the horrible sound of distress coming from the most important person to Roy. He never had the strength to stop it however. Rather, a demonic part of him deep, deep down wants Shane to keep shouting; till his lungs burst; till all the days end and there’s no longer a life to fight against. It’s the flight part of his fight, that would rather Shane tier himself out of this “relationship” as apposed to Roy putting in the effort to be with someone he fits with imperfectly. 

It’s a good thing, not to be perfect. Roy’s a little crooked and Shane’s a little bent out of shape and they fall together like two different puzzle pieces, miraculously working, despite the picture. 

“What did I do to you, Roy? We were so good for so long, and then you stopped-”

“We? What are you even talking about, Shane! We were never a thing, and you know it!”

“How can you stand there and lie to me? Lie to yourself?!”

“You were nothing but a good fuck, okay? Why do you have to kid yourself and pretend this was more than it was? We’re two adult, single, men, who were lonely, and wanted sex. That’s it! That’s all this ever was, Shane.”

He’s lying. They both know it, like the markings on the back of their hands. Shane can see the desperate attempt at escape that Roy leaves exposed within the twinkle in the iris of his eyes. 

“Stop playing the gobby, no feelings cunt you put on for everyone else. I know you, Roy. I know the real you, deep down-”

“Ah, what a load of bullshit. What you see with me is what you get. Sorry to disappoint you, Shane.”

“No, I’m not just a pretty face. I’m smart and I see exactly what is going on here. I’m not some sex toy you can discard when you’re done with me, especially with you, of all people! My best fucking friend, that’s who you are. So don’t you dare tell me I don’t know you, and don’t you dare pretend what we had was nothing!”

It went on for more than an hour. Roy threw his fist at the wall, Shane pounded his palm onto the coffee table, both ended up exhausted and no where nearer to an ending. Shane knew all their late night conversations meant more to Roy than he was letting on, but he also knew how unbearable the pain of unrequited love felt, and how at his age it just wasn’t worth fighting for. If it was anyone else, Shane would have given up. If it wasn’t his best friend - his rock to confine in - he would be home asleep, a little broken, but relieved. 

Roy remembers cocking his jaw, slick with a sleazy smirk that would infuriate anyone who saw it. He remembers laughing mockingly, in time to the music of Shane’s shattering affections. He remembers when things got violent and both began hurtling insults back and forth, for no particular reason other than to hurt the opponent. 

When would it end? It didn’t seem like either was going to get their way. Shane wasn’t going to walk away in a relationship and Roy wasn’t going to leave with a best friend. They would both end up angry and alone.

“All you are is a bastard! You could never be someone’s boyfriend because your tongue is already so far up your own asshole!”

“Real classy, Shane. Keep ‘em coming, you think I haven’t heard this song and dance before?”

“Of course you have, I just never thought we’d play it! I never thought you’d be like this to me!” Shane screamed, the foundation of his makeup unable to cover the burning red of his cheeks. “Why are you incapable of real human compassion? Huh?! You couldn’t just let us develop like we were, you had to be a prick! God, do you even realise how mean you can be? I mean for God sake, you kissed me all those months ago, not the other way round! You’re the one who started this...” Shane stopped, his chest struggling to keep up with his breath as he tried to settle the racing of his heart. “You’re the one who kissed me.”

I should never have kissed him. Roy cursed under his breath, a hand pushing through the tufts of his hair. “I know.” he whispered, to himself and to Shane. “I know. I never should have-”

“No, don’t take that moment away from me. I’m glad you kissed me.”

They’re on opposite ends of the living room, staring at each other, with less rage and more pity. Roy was broken. Shane was broken. Everything about them and between them was breaking. Roy wants nothing more than to hold Shane, rest a hand on his cheek and apologise till he’s used up all the words within him, and he’s contently mute. He wants to be able to love Shane without the fear burning away inside him, but the anxiety is too much. He’s convinced Shane could do so much better, and he’s convinced it’s written that he must spend his days alone. Shane believes in love, Roy believes in realism.

Roy grabbed Shane by the wrist. He dragged him out of the house, locked the door and got in his car, alone. Shane shouted for him to stop, pounding on the car window, begging him to resolve whatever it was he was missing. Roy just looked at Shane through the glass and sighed. 

“Someone will love you,” he said, too quiet for Shane to actually hear against his persistent shouting, “But that someone isn’t me.”

He drove away, from his own home and from his dying love. He drove toward the unknown and the lonesome future. 

/

Dede began to stir in her slumber, and before Roy could pick her up she jumped off his lap, scuttling back to the house. He watched her, smiling warmly despite the agonising twisting off his stomach. So many self destructive thoughts to match self destructive actions. 

The stars glimmered high above, singing against the silent audience of darkness. Roy fell on his back again and just stared at them, in awe, hoping they would tell him what to do next. Such grace and beauty, dancing above for all the see but never to touch. He’d burn up the very second he lay the tip of his finger on them, and right now when he felt so conflicted and nauseous, it was exactly what he wanted. To become the shimmering star dust within the cosmos, with no problems and no feelings. Just a stunning chain of lights, free and admired. 

It had been a day since the argument. It felt like a battle that had extended for years, the way his throat was tightening; reflecting on Shane’s depressed pleads and his distressed screams, pulling Roy down under and filling his lungs till he drowned in the same feelings. Why couldn’t he just accept love? Why did he have to run for the hills?

He could spend all his life analysing and still never come up with a clear answer. Childhood trauma, fear of abandonment, some other bullshit answer- Roy didn’t want to find answers as to why he wouldn’t, he just wanted to know how to unapologetically love Shane. To love him without the compulsion to back peddle, and to give him the undying, obsessive, proud love Shane truly deserved. 

“I’m making it harder than it fucking has to be.” He spoke quietly to himself. “This is...fuck, why can’t I believe that anybody ever really starts to fall in love with me?! Why am I...” He grunts, slamming his head down against the grass and squeezing his eyes shut as he settles the rising anger. “fuck.”

The longer he lay watching the stars, the longer he’s depriving himself of a blissful future in the arms of his very real love. The longer he lets his hot headed nature be the dominant feeling, the longer he is without carefree, tender intimacy. 

/

“What was I to you then, Roy? Tell me- tell me right now, because I know I wasn’t just sex and you won’t convince me otherwise.”

“Then what the fuck is the point in me saying anything, you’ve already decided on the answer!”

“Are you telling me all the mornings we spent talking about our lives, stark naked, unable to take our hands of each other, was nothing? Because it didn’t feel like nothing. It felt like everything!”

“You can’t just enjoy the bullshit. You have to ruin a good thing by putting thought into it-”

“Me ruin it?! You’re the one who started screening my calls, ignoring my texts! You’re the one who tried me on like a piece of cheap jewellery and threw me away! If you thought I’d just shrug and move on without a second glance back, you’re not as intelligent as I figured you were.”

“You’re use to being an over sized flesh light anyway, why are you-”

Shane threw himself at Roy, slamming him against the wall and screamed every crude insult he could think off. Roy shouted back, practically spitting, clenching his fists at his side. 

/

It was ugly.

It was heart wrenching.

Why? Why did Roy ruin such a good thing, why did he destroy the one person who meant more to him than anything ever had?

When he was a kid, watching the stars use to do him a world of wonder and clear up the web of worries cluttering his thoughts. Now, in his 40s, it did nothing but leave him cold and star struck. 

Should he call Shane? Or, was it simply too little too late? It seemed their fait was sealed; his ignorance had broken Shane’s heart, and he failed to see it at the beginning till he tore Shane up at the end.