#mod hakki

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

TW: abuse - I have a question is it normal to be afraid to become like your abuser ? Because like I know there are times abuse victims sadly changes to be another version of their abuser, I know not all of them turns into that and many still remains so kind and good, the thing is that after going through childhood abuse it develops anger issues inside me, my abuser has anger issues too, I am worried sometimes if my anger will make me lay a hand on anyone in the future if I am became a parent, I always tell myself [ I hope I won’t be like them, I want to give my future kids best life ]

Is it common fear?? I am really worried.

Hello there, anon! Yes, it absolutely is a common fear. Survivors have all kinds of issues regarding sense of self, self worth and self confidence, self image and feelings towards the abuser(s). All of this interaction may very well lead one to being scared of, or convinced that they already are, becoming their abuser(s). It's great to recognise this as a symptom, and as all symptoms, not an indicator of your morality as a person! Do remember that who you are, your reactions and your behaviour are entirely under your control, even when your emotions aren't. If they sometimes feel like they aren't, or that they control you instead of the other way around, that's also common, and simply tells you that this may be something you should try working on! You're the only one that gets to decide what kind of person you will be, anon, and that is a great thing. - mod Hakki

[skogsforumse]

Vedmaskiner, flishuggar — Har en Hakki Pilke 52 greenspeed 09 mod.

http://dlvr.it/QNqCfH #skog #skogsforum

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw sexual assault, rape, flashbacks- looking for advice/resources please!

hi! first i want to say thank you for running this blog, its really kind of you and yall have helped me out a lot!!

on to my question, if you have sexual trauma is it normal to feel like the person is still touching you sometimes? i sometimes will just be vibing and suddenly it feels like theyre touching me again- if it is, do you have any ways to make it go away?

thank you-

benni

Hey there, Benni! Thank you so much for the kind words, I speak in behalf of all the mods when I say that knowing we've been able to help you absolutely makes our day. Now, I'll first answer your main question clearly, then we'll get to an explanation, and them some advice:

Yes, it is normal. I'd go as far as say it's normal.

A term that's already well known for people who read on trauma and trauma disorders is flashback. What is not as well known about them, though, is that there are many different kinds of flashbacks. Without getting too technical, flashbacks are re-experiencing the sensations from the traumatic event resurface: these can range from emotions, to sounds, to, yes, touch. Absolutely normal.

For advice, you can go about it in many ways. Some people try dealing with them like any other flashbacks: reminding yourself the sensations aren't real, and ride them out. Others try to define what the triggers are and avoid them. You can also experiment with grounding yourself; seeing as though they are physical sensations, stimulating your senses may help, with different textures, sensations, and stimuli. It may work!

I hope one of these help you, Benni. Good luck! - mod Hakki

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

does trauma always cause some extent of memory loss? sometimes i feel like i remember too much of my childhood for what i went through to be considered trauma.

Hey, anon! That's a very complex question. I wish I could give you a quick answer, but I can't. Here are the simplest explanations I can manage:

First of all, trauma doesn't inherently lead to a dissociative disorder, or to PTSD. The ways an individual reacts and grows after trauma can be wildly different. They can affect different areas of psyche and physiology, not always leading to PTSD. In this sense, no, trauma /itself/ doesn't inherently cause memory loss.

That being said, memory issues /are/ one of the most predominant symptoms found in people with PTSD, C-PTSD, and other dissociative/trauma disorders. These issues might not necessarily be forgetting things - they might be false memories, flashbacks, distorted perception of time, and, yes, sometimes memory loss. Either way, it is generally considered that memory disturbances are a recquired diagnostic criteria for trauma disorders. It should be noted, though, that memory loss related to trauma will only occurs at or after the period of time where the traumatic event occurred. If you did not experience trauma during your childhood, then experiencing trauma later on should not cause you to have memory loss of that period.

Long story short; trauma doesn't always cause memory loss, but memory issues are among the criteria for a typical trauma disorder. Take care! - mod Hakki

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hey, everyone! I'm Hakki, a new mod on the blog. This is just a quick self introduction for us to get to know each other better :]

I'm 18, originally from South Korea, living in southern Brazil. I'm a Psychology major, taking a break for a year and volunteering in a suicide prevention hotline. I'm a survivor of CSA, NCCSA, psychiatric and religious abuse, and I have both C-PTSD and Schizzoaffective disorder bipolar type - I'm open to questions about any of these! I'm definitely looking forward to being a mod in here!

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

TW religion/religious trauma. Can I get a little validation? I have religious trauma but still choose to be religious. I’ve of course chosen a different church and left a lot of my old toxic beliefs behind, but I feel like an alien because I do still practice my faith. Is that valid? To have trauma but still practice a different version of my faith? I feel like everyone else I know with religious trauma has stopped being religious.

It absolutely is, anon. Different people deal with their trauma in different ways - what others chose to do should not and does not dictate your choices. Take care of yourself and heal in your own way! - mod Hakki

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

No tw, just looking for advice

Do you guys have advice for like. Short term goals. Like I have long term things I'm working towards like moving out and being able to live away from my parents, but the days between just feel so useless and it's hard to go day to day because I have nothing I'm looking forwards to on a daily basis. I just wanna have something that makes it feel like these days mean anything.

Hey, anon! Short term goals can be a hard thing to nail - between getting the balance between goals and chores, managing the time and energy you're willing to devote to them, and even just finding something you actually enjoy, they can be a struggle. Here are some ideas for you!

Pick up a new hobby. Hobbies are great ways to have little, pressure free things to look forward to each day. You can pick up anything from art, baking, music, meditation, writing, anything!

Learn something. Maybe a new language, coding, or dancing - either a style or a single choreography. Different things will have take more or less time, but they can help you feel like you're doing something worthwhile.

Start working out. Without pressure! Working out is great for moving yourself everyday, and setting small goals that can help you feel productive and accomplished! I'd recommended ground Pilates or calisthenics if you don't want to invest in a lot of equipment.

Do some volunteering. A lot of places need help in a lot of different areas. Almost everyone has a skill that can be put to good use - if you don't, you can learn, or even just talking to people or handling the mundane chores that pile up! If you have the time and energy, this is definitely something to look into.

Try setting a daily schedule. If possible, give yourself a set time for waking up and going to bed, have a self-grooming schedule, keep your living area clean, and cook your meals - even if it's just preheating one you already had. If daily isn't your thing, try weekly events to look forward to. These can be anything from a walk around the block, to watching a movie, eating out, or a call with someone in your life. You can have a set day every week, or change it around - whatever works for you.

Best of luck, anon! - mod Hakki

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Is being still afraid of mother who abused you when you are child as an adult now is related to trauma ?? Some of my friends get very confused why do I still fear my mother, allowing her to control me out of fear, they tell me it’s my fault that she still control me as an adult who’s going to be in her mid 20s soon but it’s so hard to do anything ! Just to be clear she stopped abusing me years ago but I do still fear her, I still don’t like her but I don’t hate her either, I get really scared when she yells at someone because it reminds me of how she used to yell at me/hit me, I honestly do not know if this related to trauma or if this just normal non-traumatic affect, but all I know is that I feel hurt when my friends assume it’s easy to make my mother give my freedom to not control me, as I said she stopped the abuse but she dose control a lot of times.. I am even scared so many times to tell her [ NO ] simple example is how I couldn’t tell her no when she wanted to bleach my elbow/knee with the doctor because they are dark and she thinks because I do not clean them, I could tell her no but I am scared really am but I could not blame my friends for no understating either some don’t know what has she done in the past or some just do not understand even if they are abused themselves they have different personality than me, they fear their abusive mother less than I do, which makes me think maybe I am just a coward..

Anon, I would like to first of all say that no response to trauma is coward. Surviving trauma is one of the bravest things one can do, and you should always look to feel empowered in your survival - it took strength and courage, remember that.

Second of all, it's super important to keep in mind that different people have varied long term results from trauma, even when the trauma between them is similar. You are in no obligation to heal as quickly, or similarly, to your friends. Having complicated feelings towards your former abuser is normal, continuing to fear them after the abuse has ended is normal, feeling self conscious of your trauma response is normal - you are 100% valid and entitled to all these hard, complicated emotions, which do all derive from trauma.

As always, the best thing you can do for yourself is keep going. There are countless ways one can manage these experiences: some people distance themselves from the abuser, some people distance themselves from the memories, some people confront them and some don't. Different people heal and move on in different ways, anon, you should strive to find out what will work for you. Going on, keeping what helps and changing what doesn't, will slowly build on your strength, and working on this trauma and on your healing means this fear won't be eternal. Just remember that you're strong, capable, and absolutely not a coward!

Keep strong, anon! - Mod Hakki.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hey, I'm looking for some advice, I'd prefer a queer mod answer if possible

So I've recently come to the conclusion that I'm aromantic, this causes a lot of problems as I currently have a partner. I don't think what I feel for them is romantic love but I'm very conflicted on how to feel, I feel really comfortable around them, more so than with any other relationships I've been in but I'm struggling a lot with what to do, I know I should probably tell them but I'm really scared to. I just wish I realized this before getting into a relationship with them but I also think I never really liked them romantically and it was more an idea put in my head, one of our mutual friends mentioned that we looked like we were dating and that'd we'd be cute together knowing they liked me at this time and I think that's what confused me but we've been together for a bit over a month now

Sorry this is all over the place, thank you guys for everything you do

Hey, anon! I myself am arospec, so this is going to be an answer coming from a place of common ground - still, keep in mind that romantic attraction is very varied, and so is the way people relate to that! Above all, know that the way to self acceptance as a queer person is often rocky, even when it comes to other people, and that this is a struggle lots of queer people face.

Coming to terms with an identity that possibly interferes in a relationship is very hard. On the one hand, your partner deserves to know about these feelings, especially if they change the context of your getting together or the future of the relationship. On the other, you're absolutely not owed to broadcast your personal feelings and identity to people, just as they are not owed your privacy. To strive for middle ground can be hard, though. Some other things to consider are: what kind of future do you see for the relationship? What kind of reaction are you expecting, and what kind are you likely to receive? If there may be backlash, are you mentally steady in your identity and emotions to handle it? How will this affect your feelings and your partner's? Are there extra things or people tied to this? And much more. All of these things are good to keep in mind, so that whatever decision you chose can be made with a clear mind.

At the end of the day, there's no one answer to your dilemma - though, being true to yourself and mindful of everyone's feelings are still essential. Absolute best of luck, anon! - mod Hakki.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw unreality/dissociation and child abuse mention ?

Most of the time i dont feel like a person. When i wake up i make sure to like, just lie in bed so my brain would get used to existing in the real world (as opposed to dreams). I basically got treated like a subhuman as a child and now I don't know how to be an actual person

I want to get professional help about this but I don't know where to start and im also kinda scared and i dont want to get better sometimes. I felt like this since i was a literal child like 5 years old.

Idk i just want to know how to look for a diagnosis when you have a pretty solid idea of what you might have?

this is kinda off topic but I've met/heard of pretentious doctors that doesn't work with the patient/ignores the patient's opinion and like I'm scared of that happening? I'm young and i don't want to feel invalidated by a fuckin doctor

Hey anon! That's a very tough, though very common, situation to find oneself in.

I think the first thing you should try to sort out is: do you want help, or do you want to get a diagnosis? These two, though not mutually exclusive, are very different.

Getting help can happen in many ways. You might decide to try therapy, of which there are many kinds, and I highly encourage you to research about it yourself to find what you feel best suits you. If you decide against it at this moment, for whatever reason, you may also find help in changing some habits, adopting others, reaching out to possible people in your life who you trust, etc.

Getting a diagnosis, on the other hand, is a different process. For you to receive a full diagnosis, you'll have to attend consults with a trained professional. For many, receiving a official diagnosis is affirming and orienting in their issues, but you should be aware that it is a often strenuous and long process that may recquired trial and error and trauma reliving. It is sometimes also expensive. Since you're young, you should also keep in mind that a diagnosis might not be available to you at this point: many psychiatrists and psychologists will be reluctant to diagnose someone younger than 18 with a disorder, as that may be considered to young for a concrete outlook on your possible disorder to be available. Also, depending on what the legal age is where you live, hour legislations and your status, you diagnosis may possibly be disclosed to your guardians. Like therapy, this is something you should research heavily on your own, as it varies a lot from situation to situation. In any case, searching for a diagnosis usually starts with a psychiatric consult.

Best of luck, anon!

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

i wanted to address the person who asked about memory loss if thats okay. i have limited qualifications, though i do have a psych degree and some experience in the field. i mostly just wanted to share that i dont believe the diagnostic criterion ‘requiring’ overt memory loss/disturbance is necessarily inclusive of neurodiversity. i identify countless systemic flaws in the presumptions of psychiatric diagnosis/the DSM specifically, and i think this is one example where the potential for the intersection of PTSD and the additional presence of inherited neurological variabilities – which often by their very definition will affect informational attention, processing, and storage in uncommon (occasionally even unheard-of) ways – gets basically overlooked. idk for sure, im not a scientist, havent even looked into if theres been research on the matter lol, so truly cannot offer a professional opinion. but i think it’s something to consider, and i felt maybe the approach of the mod’s response was too narrow and institutionally-minded. (though i greatly appreciate your service and kindnesses! thank you! you’re a blessing to this website and i intend no personal criticism.🖤)

Hey, anon! Thanks for the message - I appreciate it. I do agree that the recquired criteria for different diagnosis often fail to include nuanca regarding comorbidities and neurodivergency, thought that is comprehensible given that the interactions between two or more disorders or illnesses are infinite in the ways they can play out, and it is significantly harder to map out symptoms when considering those than it is to consider any given one on their own. I do also agree with you that my responde was fairly 'psych book' written, but you should consider that that ask, like many others we receive, offer little to no additional information that would make a personalised analysis possible. I, personally, do not feel comfortable with providing potentially mistaken or misguided information in hopes of giving a nuanced answer to a question regarding a situation whose nuances I don't know. The mods are only able to give information and advice based on what is provided to us on the asks - any interpretation that would benefit from more depth should come from a professional, in a professional setting. Hope this was well explained! Again, thank you for the message! Absolutely no personal criticism taken 💗 - mod Hakki

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

TW : suicide mention

Hello,

I'm writing this to say thank you and also give hope. You guys have helped me so much, your page is the only one that is really supportive out here (and it's real help). Thank you for everything.

I wanted to say, to people who are struggling right now, that there is hope. We do not see it but it will get better. Few months ago I was at my lowest, I tried to end it all, and today things are slowly getting better. But when you're in a difficult psychological state, when you have a mental illness, when you're not okay, there's no room in the brain for hope... So now I wanted to say : there is hope, there is light, even if you don't see it.

If anyone needed a sign, this is it. You got this. You're on the right path. You will get through it.

This is a very nice message to send, anon! We're very glad that we could help, and we're happy to see you're in a better place! Thank you for the kind words.

To others; we make Anon's words ours. There is hope, and there is getting better. You got this!

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw for pandemic mention. mods, is it weird for trauma to impact your perception of time? not sure if that makes sense but basically after i saw the ask that mentioned 2018/2019 i felt a mix between thinking that was a long time ago and feeling like it was just yesterday. today i sent my friend some pics from 2020 and it felt like it was such a long time ago but they were pics we took at the mall in january a couple months before the pandemic started impacting our area. maybe the pandemic plays a role in this? i mean, i barely remember what life was like before the pandemic honestly since this has become our new normal. my main trauma was one that happened 8 years ago but i don't like being reminded of how many years ago it was because i don't feel like i've improved much since then. like people say things are supposed to get better but i feel like i've just been waiting for things to get better for so long, i have reached out for help before but i've never felt like anybody cares about helping me long-term. like i went to a school that had free counselors on-site but just a limited amount of sessions for currently enrolled students. so i met with counselors a few different times while i was still a student but it really wasn't enough to make improvements and now i'm in a situation where i can't get my own counseling. everything just feels weird and blurry. also i have a milestone birthday coming up and it doesn't feel different from any other year, even though for some people it's a really important and meaningful year.

Anon, the true question is: what isn't weird for trauma to affect?

The answer, though, is no, it's absolutely not uncommon for trauma to affect our notion of time. Trauma survivors can experience this in any number of ways - gaps in memory, lack of continuity, not grasping how long an hour, a week or a year is, scrambled memories, dissociation can leave you feeling like time is either stretching out or disappearing, it's all a mess. Add that with a years long pandemic and it's completely understandable for you to feel like you're not gauging time very accurately. Here is a great piece about this topic, if you're interested!

Some common suggestions to countering this are keeping a diary; marking events or time passed on a calendar; and having a journal of important days. I, personally, have found that taking photos of yourself regularly can make the passage of time feel more substantial. Though additionally, if you find that time passing can leave you feeling confused or triggered, you're free to avoid delving into it! Living life on a day to day basis is always an option, and never a shame. - Mod Hakki

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hey, y'all! Just a reminder to please use specific trigger warnings in your asks - the mods ourselves have triggers, so asks that have no warnings or just a general TW at the beginning can be potentially dangerous to us :] it also makes it easier for each mod to sort what asks they can handle, which makes us getting back to you faster! Specifying what you're looking for is also appreciated, but trigger warnings are a necessity.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hullo! I have a bit of a question. Im going to be having my first ever meeting with a psychiatrist (I have a therapist, shes just a psychologist), and I’m trying to get diagnosed with ADHD, social anxiety and possibly BPD and NPD, and also maybe go on meds. But I’m also not trying to get undiagnosed with Autism (I am professionally diagnosed). The session I believe is 2-2 1/2 hours long, and I don’t know what to talk about. Do you have any advice for how I should raise my concerns?

I hope you all have a great week!

Hello, anon! Psychiatrist appointments can be very stressing for the first time. Here are some tips:

On raising your concerns about getting a professional diagnosis you should be aware that those are most probably not going to be achieved with a regular psychiatrist. Diagnosis are most often given by a psychologist with an specialisation in diagnosis. You can ask the psychiatrist for a reccomendation for one - if they work in a clinic, it’s possible there might be one working in the same system, which might make the process similar!

On requesting for meds, you should first and foremost be completely aware that it is your every right to control which ones you take and for what reasons. A patient should be an active participant in a consult - raise your concerns openly (what are you having trouble with? Emotional regulation? General anxiety? Panic attacks? Insomnia?) and what your expectations are (what are you looking for? Feeling happier? Better executive functioning? In what areas?). If you decide to go for meds, demand your doctor be very clear with that the expected results of the one they suggest is, what are some side effects, why they chose to reccoment it, etc. If you are unsure of the side effects or reasoning behind their choice, ask if there are other similar options, or if a different kind of medication would also be possible. Do not take your doctor’s words as law, do try to find the best possible fit for your situation. 

If you feel uncomfortable or at risk with a doctor, do not go on with the consult. It is your health and body that you’re caring for. All that being said - psychiatric appointments and psychiatric medication don’t have to be scary. Either starting on meds or chosing not to are valid options. Good luck on your appointment, and on getting a diagnosis, anon! Hope it all goes well.- mod Hakki

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

is it okay to still be affected from things happening years ago? like 2018/2019 is the years i’m talking about. it just feels too long ago to still be affected by

It absolutely is, anon. 5 years is not a long period of time, plus things can continue to affect us for decades. That's absolutely normal - though if possible allow for the time that's passed to help you take perspective and move on :). - mod Hakki