#my 4.0 is ruined and my future is going to SUCK NOW

[fortunapre]

why is everyone’s favorite season my worst

[tiphansia]

long and negative post under the cut that’s just a giant wall of text with no breaks lmao

ah lads now i’ve really done it, accidentally left myself unmuted in the voice chat of a discord server of online friends to whom I never said a word about being trans. In fact I lied about it, when asked earlier I said I was a cis dude. I even played up being a little homophobic/transphobic as a joke to reinforce the perception of cis-ness. But now they’ve found out I’m actually trans which is the most wildly humiliating thing that could happen to me on there. This sucks ahah god now they’re going to think of me differently and accidentally misgender me sometimes like they do with the other trans people in the server which i don’t mind in principle but the big problem is that it means they aren’t perceiving me as male anymore which. Really sucks. God it’s really my fault for lying to them but all I wanted was to be treated as normal. That’s not a crime, right? All I wanted was to be one of them and not a weird outsider like how they treat the other trans dudes. I feel like I’ve betrayed my own kind in some way. I even have an irrational hatred towards everyone who heard me, which is completely stupid given that it’s my fault for leaving myself unmuted. I wish they would hate me because it would make me feel a lot better if they did, but no one is mad at me and it’s making me feel sick. Hmm. Privileged problems, right? I know people out there have it worse than me and that I don’t even deserve to feel sad about this because nothing bad has ever happened to me in my entire life but still. I can’t help but be sad, and it makes me feel better to post this into the unfeeling void. Might get hate for this, but I really wish conversion therapy actually worked and was legal, I’d be the first in line to sign myself up. To me, the thought of becoming a woman makes me absolutely scared and sick, and therefore I am scared of conversion therapy in this hypothetical scenario, but just like dying, once it’s over I won’t care anymore. So it’s the most logical thing to wish for out of all my stupid fantasies, even though it’s the most painful one. My other fantasy is to go back in time and mess with my dna so that I’d grow up a cis boy, but of course that’s impossible. I once saw a post about how any religion that touts the idea of suffering as a virtue is one to be wary of, but I subscribe to that idea myself. Even though I don’t really have much real pain in my life since it’s not like being trans is actually the worst thing in the world (to me it is the ultimate shame), the idea that my being trans (very minor pain compared to others I know) is somehow a test of my character comforts me. I don’t know what scares me more, the fact that I’ll be like this my entire life, or the idea that it’s temporary, I’ll detransition, and all this pain was just made up for nothing. I also don’t believe in god logically, but whenever I’m in pain it’s comforting to think that there’s someone I can talk to, even if no one is actually listening. I think the most use that could come out of my life would be as a murder victim of a trans hate crime, so people can use my death to advance the cause. At least I’d be doing something useful for once. I think I’d make a fine martyr, too. I feel subhuman a lot of times, like everyone around me is looking at me and speaking to me without noticing that I’m a cursed and rotten creature to be crushed under their shoes. I almost wish people would hate me more so I wouldn’t feel like such a liar all the time, even though really I’m not lying about anything. I feel though that even by attempting to pass as male, I’m deceiving people. I’m a man inside I know but it’s so hard to even say the words or even think them because of this stupid shell of perception. I look and sound like Minnie mouse, anyone I told would burst out laughing if I told them: “I’m a man.” God, it even sounds so stupid here. I get by by presenting as ambiguously as possible, and saying nothing about pronouns unless directly asked. I’m such a pussy, not strong enough to stay female-presenting, too weak to correct pronouns and perception, and not even man enough to kill myself when I should have. It’s been 3 or 4 years since I was severely suicidal, and still I think life would not have changed for those around me if I had died then. I still wish I’d killed myself then, or at least tried. It’s kind of my life motto at this point: “Too pussy to do anything”. Even now as the grand landmark age of 18 draws near, all the hopes I placed on it in years past are evaporating. I told myself, “When we’re 18 we can get on hormones, we can change are name, we can finally live a full life”. And now, life’s realities are becoming clear. Transition with what money? And how are we going to deal with the family? I’d rather die than come out, but I’d also rather die than not transition. Real sticky situation we got here. Looks like I won’t be able to transition until my late 20s, which is horrifyingly far away to me. I thought I couldn’t make it until 18, but here I (almost) am. I know I can make it until then, but it makes me so unbelievably sad, and I can already imagine the amount of suffering in my future between now and then. Plus, I was on track to have a beautiful and privileged life. Was a 4.0 student, in multiple honors societies, great standardized test scores, the works. Now I’m none of that except the test scores  due to me being a dumb piece of shit this entire school year and letting my half a decade of hard work swirl down the drain along with my life prospects. Hell, it’s starting to look like I’m gonna be a highschool dropout. Me! It’s unthinkable. I’m gonna end up working in retail or at mcdonalds or something and while all work is honorable work, I’m not going to be making enough to fucking live off of, much less transition. I was set up for greatness, man. I let everyone down cause. Well, I don’t even know what happened,w as probably depressed or something but I can’t remember most of this entire school year so I’m not sure. Being trans ruined everything for me. I wouldn’t have ever even been depressed if I wasn’t trans. I’d be in the qualifying race for the cross country junior olympics if it wasn’t for being trans. To be honest I miss track, but guess what! You’re trans, no sex-segregated sports for you. You either have to come out and do sports with your chosen gender, or stay closeted to your parents and out yourself as a tranny to your entire fucking high school. I mean sure the whole world’s probably thinking, “Boo fucking hoo tumblr user tiphansia, let me play you a song on the world’s tiniest violin, those are first world problems” and yeah they certainly are but it doesn’t make it any less upsetting to me. Just let me have my little pity party in my little corner of the internet. I miss my online friends. Normally my response to anything painful that has to do with my being trans is just denial denial denial until even I forget the event, but I’m pretty sure my brain can’t take any more forgetting. I’ve forgotten this entire year I can’t do this anymore. I have to be strong and face it and stop being a pussy. I hope it turns out well for me. and for whoever made it this far reading hope your life goes well too. Thanks for listening. Goodnight.

[afolklorelover]

25 Tips for Undergrads (from a wise old grad student)

No one cares if you have a 4.0 in college. As long as you are passing your classes, and you are not in danger of losing any scholarships, then try not to stress over your GPA. In the job interviews I’ve had (as well as the ones I’ve conducted) GPA has never once played a factor. Never. Getting a C in a general education class will not ruin your life, I promise! (Note: If you plan to attend Med School, Law School, Grad School then things are a little different, but even then a bad grade does not mean the end of your dreams!) Graduating with honors is nice, but not at the expense of your health.

Re-write your notes because it helps you retain/understand the information, not because you want the aesthetic. It’s a waste of time and you’re a badass person who has things to do!

Make a friend in every class you take. You don’t have to be besties, but it is helpful to have someone with whom you can share notes if you’re absent or study with before the final.

Join clubs on campus (or greek life if that is more your speed). Make friends with people outside of your major. Branch out! One of my best friends from college is someone I never had a class, so you never know who will change your life.

Always help someone else if you can.

Try taking classes in subjects that are not your strongest or not in your concentration. This will contribute to your growth as a well-rounded human. However, do not stress yourself unnecessarily. (You could always take it pass/no-pass.)

Your living situation will impact you more than any other single factor. Make sure you like your roommates (if you get a choice).

There is no shame in being homesick. Freshman year was really, really hard for me because I had separation anxiety from my parents. In retrospect moving so far away was good for me, but FYI I’m in my 20’s and still tear up when I drive away. It’s okay if you need to call home every night and just know that it won’t always feel that hard.

Find what comforts you. (For me it’s Harry Potter audiobooks.)

No one knows what they’re doing. N O   O N E. Some people are just better at faking it.  

If someone judges you for not wearing makeup to an 8am class then they are not worth your energy.

BUT FOR GOODNESS SAKE DO NOT TAKE 8AM CLASSES. Just because you woke up at 6am for 4 years of high school does not mean you will want to do it again. You will have a lot more activities/distractions going on and it will be harder to wake up that early.

It’s okay if you can’t do everything. (Get perfect grades, Adult™, workout, etc.) You do not have to be perfect. Focus your energy on the important bits and do the rest tomorrow.

You are paying thousands of dollars for this degree, so go to class. GO TO CLASS. Go. To. Class.

Depending on the class, it could be useful for everyone in the class to contribute to a communal Google doc with their notes.

If you are struggling in a class, go to the professor’s or TA’s office hours. You will look dedicated and if your grade is borderline then it’s possible this simple effort could bump it up.

Work smarter, not harder. Quantity =/= quality. [Insert other cliches here.] Studying for 6 hours is not necessarily better than 2. Sometimes spending that extra 4 hours sleeping is a better investment. Manage your time and make your schedule work for you.

Don’t be afraid to change your mind. Don’t be afraid to change your major. Don’t be afraid to change your school (37.2% of students do!). No one will think less of you for graduating later (if your graduation date is pushed back). No one will think less of you if you need to take time off. Focus on your future. Your future is more important than your past. The classes you have already taken are a sunk cost and should not play a huge factor into your future decisions. Investing an additional semester or so now will save you YEARS of time and poor mental health of preforming a job you do not find fulfilling but for which you happen to be qualified.

Group projects suck, but contribute to them. You do not want to be the weak link in the chain, even if it’s not your best subject. You also do not want to be the only one working.  

Don’t buy the book if it’s not a subject you will ever need once you graduate or if it doesn’t interest you. The library usually has copies of textbooks or you can rent books from Amazon for a significantly cheaper price.

A book you have to read for a class can impact your life beyond just a grade. Read it.

Minor in something that ignites your soul.  

Explore the area around your school. Find the coffee shop that makes decorations with their steamed milk. Try the Thai place around the corner.

Do not define yourself by your ability to do well in school. When you think about yourself, try not to do it in terms of grades (I’m an A-student!) but the qualities you have that earned that grade (I’m a hard worker!, I’m disciplined and articulate!, etc). This will help you transition after school when you no longer have grades to help guide you in your job.

The first year after graduation can be lonely af, confusing, hard, AND NO ONE WARNED ME HOW ROUGH IT COULD BE. If you have a hard time just remember you’re not alone and it happens to basically everyone.