#my b to vent. but MAN. ive been thinking | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

bugbxyjunk · 2 years ago

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hello cj. my name is oliver. you may know me as ollie of @ollieollieoxenfreeee.

answer all 100 of the questions. every single one. do it.

bet.

2. what’s the weather like?

Humid and veryyy warm, but much cooler than it has been!!

3. are you impulsive?

yes, oh my god yes, its a really bad problem

4. are you organised?

no but i am trying!!

5. are you self confident?

HAH. thats funny. no

8. what’s something you hate about yourself?

uhhh not to get all edgy but my like entire self of being? in specific probably my body. or my scars. really hate those.

9. do you have any pets?

Yes! 3, my babies 🥹

10. do you have any regrets?

too many to count man

11. do you have any siblings?

yes, 2 technically. but. i only say one

12. what do you think comes after life?

death, probably

13. what colour is your water bottle?

mainly blue, its git sharks on it :3

14. have you ever dyed your hair/would you ever want to?

its actually dyed rn

16. do you believe in aliens?

YES

17. do you believe in ghosts?

YES

18. do you believe in karma?

yes, actually

19.do you believe in astrology?

ehh kinda? not really, but i also don't know a lot about it

20. do you believe in luck?

Yeah

21. what is/was your favourite subject in school?

Not to be That Stereotypical Person™ but definitely art

22. what is/was your least favourite subject in school?

Math. i hated the class, i hated the teacher, i suck at it, and ive never been good at it.

23. how long have you been friends with your longest friend for?

Considering i only have one stable friendship, almost 3 years i think? maybe 2 and half

24. what do you do in your free time?

i have too much free time in the summer, and lately ive just been on my phone and listening to music/watching YouTube

25. what do you do under stress?

Cry? Panic?? okok fr though if theres a more suitable leader i let them handle things and panic quietly, but if i have to take the lead i can, then i fall apart afterwards. by myself. away from anyone else, of course of course

26. who/what do you turn to to vent?

okok honestly? no one? i mean i go to J (irl friend for those that don't know) for smaller/easier to handle things. but. really i try to deal with everything alone

27. spicy, sweet or savoury?

Sweet, probably

28. what’s your favourite drink?

Strawberry watermelon Ice drinks 🙏

29. what’s your favourite cuisine?

cuisine is so fancy for what I'm about to say, my mom's Alfredo shits delicious

31. what are you wearing right now?

women's beach shorts that r wayyy too big and a grey oversized Harley Davidson shirt

32. what’s your favourite time of day?

Night time !!

33. who do you trust the most?

My mom or J

34. do you trust anyone completely?

Nah

35. would you ever want to get married?

Noooo thank u im good

36. would you ever want children?

NO. i will b the uncle to J's kids, i shouldn't be allowed my own kids i can barely keep myself alive

37. do you have any allergies?

Pollen. and i think caramel??? i don't know i cannot eat that shit

38. do you hate anyone?

Yes

40. what is your relationship with your family like?

Pretty good now, it was pretty rocky for a bit and well childhood was. something. but its great now, my immediate family is my priority in life

41. what is your middle name?

Next question

44. do you like making art?

Yes! its kinda like therapy. and much cheaper.

45. do you believe in the death penalty?

Yeeesh thats a heavy question dontcha think? i think if you're a r--pis- yeah fuck the fuck right the fuck off. I do not care. but i don't think im allowed to speak beyond that, im not qualified

46. do you follow routines/plans easily?

I actually prefer them, i get overwhelmed without them

47. growing up, what did you want to do in life?

I wanted to be a pretty woman with a husband and children and be a vet, a lot has changed since then

48. what is your favourite album?

i don't think i really have one? i don't really pay attention to names/albums on what im listening to, i just enjoy the music. this is why music connoisseurs hate me

49. what’s something you’re grateful for?

My mama 🫶🫶

50.what’s a food you hate?

Tomatoes. for various reasons.

51. would you rather lose your legs or arms?

uhhhhhhhh legs? i guess??

52. what is the most important thing to you right now?

Getting ny shit together for school so i can get a good fuckin scholarship

53. what’s the last dream you remember having?

Something about my grandfather? and a train. it definitely had something to do with something I don't like digging up sooo

54. do you believe in soulmates/true love?

I guess, yeah i do. i think ive met mine, since they aren't always romantic. twin flame is the platonic version i think?

55. what is your favourite word?

Shark, maybe. Or like, Slippery, funky ass word

56. would you rather be loved, trusted or respected?

Loved or trusted, people don't respect me much already so like i can handle not being respected

57. would you want to be famous if you had the chance?

Depends i guess, id like act in something that sees people one day, so sure why not

58. what are/were you like in school?

Horribly quiet, and awkward, and clumsy. and also 'intimidating'

59. who’s the last person you talked to?

J my bbg 🫶🫶🫶

60. what would your perfect day be like?

Getting adequate sleep, spending the day at an aquarium with a loved one(romantic, platonic, queer platonic, i don't care), swimming, or just laying quietly with a lover, i don't need much to be Happy

61. where is a place that you’d love to visit?

THE GEORGIA AQUARIUM !!

62. what is your main goal in life?

Help as much of the ocean and sea life as i can, they're vital to this planet and just as important to take care of.

63. do you exercise often?

Not as much as i should, no

64. do you play any sports?

Im gonna be on the swim team again! i was on it in 8th grade

65. do you play any instruments?

Nah, but im gonna learn bass

66. what is your earliest memory?

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh i don't wanna talk about it so lets say getting my first build a bear from my aunt

67. if you could have a superpower, what’d you choose?

Shapeshifting.

68. what kind of person annoys you the most?

Uhh people who assume they're better than you for "xyz reason"

69. what is your biggest pet peeve?

People who talk in the middle of tests, or people that are rude to cashiers/customer service people for no reason

70. what’s your favourite number?

71. have you ever been in love?

Yeah, and i sometimes i feel like i still am

73. what is your deepest fear?

damn this is getting personal jeez, death? serious sickness/ailments, and doctors. also my half brother and his ex gf

74. have you ever met anyone famous?

i don't think so

75. cats or dogs?

Cats!!

77. how do you deal with loneliness?

uhh im kinda used to it, but if i ever cant deal w it i get into the shower and crank the knob all the way to hot

78. what’s your favourite animal?

is this a real question. SHARKLSKSKSKSKKSKKSHSJDHH!!!!!!!

80. would you rather freeze or burn to death?

uhhhhhhh burn? i feel like it'd be quicker maybe

81. what are some of your bad habits?

Biting my mouth, picking the skin on my fingers, and yk other things

82. what do you do when you’re angry?

Yell, hit my pillow, get in the shower and crank the knob all the way to hot. cry.

83. what is something that you’d want to learn?

Astronomy

84. what’s your favourite insect?

hmmmm Picasso beetle, they pretty

85. what are your thoughts on euthanasia?

god, its sad but sometimes if there's no other answer it might be best? like if my baby, my dog, had an incurable thing thay made life a pain for her every day and she wouldn't/couldn't get better i wouldn't want her to be in pain. i never want to see any of my animals in oain

86. what are your thoughts on your name?

Love it, thought of it myself, just wish id come up with Cj first instead of what other people know me as irl (Corey/ my deadname)

87. what’s your favourite name?

My favorite name..hmmmm...i don't know, i love all names, they're special in a way that I cant choose a single best one

88. would you rather go back or forward in time?

Back, i suppose..fix some things yk?

89. what are your thoughts on roller coasters?

I don't know, its been years sinec ive been on one

91. do you believe in love at first sight?

Nah, i don't think you can love someone instantly. you can experience attraction at first sight, but i genuinely don't think you can love someone at first glance. unless its an animal, then obviously yes.

92. what is something you’re currently worried about?

School, life, my friend, my mom

93. what was your childhood like?

Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh lets not open that can of worms

94. how long do you usually sleep for?

when i di get to sleep? around 10 hours in the summer 💀, usually around 3-6 during school

95. what hairstyle do you have right now?

something like this

(NOT ME!!!!! found on Pinterest)

96. if you could be one age for the rest of your life, what’d you choose?

uhh probably like 25? maybe?? idk

97. what genre of music do you listen to the most?

Uhhh pop..indie i guess? musicals too

98. where do you come from?

The US 🇺🇸🦅🦅🦅

99. do you curse/swear often?

Yes i do

100. what is the meaning of life?

Boys kissing me.

#i took out the ones ive already answered #and now you all know far more than i appreciate #but yk what #its fine #this took way too long #bugs junk #ollieollieoxenfreeee

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spacedhead · 2 years ago

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homestuck reread #15 act 6 p6

this is funny . HE DID THOSE THINGS . he is so silly . he is the reason all of my faves just died gruesomely. i hope you die in a fire you fucking bitch

when you walkin

my son needs to be studied in a genetics lab . why would you ever say this to another human being

okay...... in dangerous territory of becoming a roxygen shipper... surely this will not happen to me

LOOK AT MY SON HE WILL LIVE UP TO HIS RESPONSIBILITY AND MASTER HIS POWERS

this is how i look in real life every day of the god damn week year month space time continue umm (thinkign of daeb stribur)

MY SON IS SUS HES VENTING SOMEBODY STOP HIM BEFORE HE KILLS US ALL

ive been converted to roxygen. sorry to all my fans. also this sequence um is the best and i love it even though the things that it is a reaction to were terrible and maybe the worst i love this part for some reason. it is like a break. like there is a plan in motion and things are getting fixed, but it also feels... quieter... the chiller if you will. maybe because i love john and roxy and they are the stars of this part

i wonder if he was saying things like gadzooks or shucky darn or ay chihuahua

ok i watched the vriska gram and it was awesome B) but look at THIS . wow they are getting along! awesome we love to see it

???

SO TRUE. i need to start saying this. or do i? no probably not .

awwwwww yeeaaaaaaaaa-

he is so funny

brother what are you saying... youre so corny lil bro... i cant believe i used to be like this when i was like 11 years old... SO CRINGE

yeah sometimes things are just really fucking gay. and is it a crime to point that out . like my friends? theyre all soooooooo gay its ridiculous. i think it makes them better

john egbert - subtle as a brick. i kinda love him for that though? like it is funny to me just how fucking oblivious he is to like EVERYTHING around him .

john being absolutely mind blown and own realizing he wants terezi so badly is so funny like LOL YOU WANT HER SOOO BAD AND KARKAT JUST CALLED YOU TF OUT LIL BRO

WHY DOES HE WANT TO FUCK HIS MOM

hes so over

god i love dave and arquius sprite. look at them . my sons. one of them is weird and sweaty

dave is so me (in my mind)

this is the funniest jake will ever be and the joke is on him and he said ONE word. great comedic timing buddy

i love this for karkat. defend your boyfriend!! i dont think vriska is necessarily trying to be mean here but i do like that karkat is willing to seriously defend his honor.

me every day . goodnight

this is really fucked up man

GOD.

okay reading this i dunno if i always thought this probably i did but ive returned to it again and definitively this time. this interaction between dave and dirk is the BEST interaction in the comic and adds so much more depth to both of them who were already GREAT characters. THIS interaction solidifies dave as my favorite character of all time. homestuck is many things but one of its major themes is just trying to become a better person. and i think dave personifies that theme so much. he has come so far and evolved so much as a person that looking back at his early interactions in the comic makes you think you are looking at a completely different character. sure he types the same and has a bit of the same mannerisms but it is so clear that he went from shitty bigoted teenager to a guy who actually cares about the things he says and does and a guy who is actually a good person. he even says in a previous interaction with roxy and rose that he has focused on being a half way decent guy so that when he makes a freudian slip (which he does ALL the time) it wont be anything insane of unforgiveable. i fucking love him and i am so glad this conversation with dirk exists

I MEAN LOOK AT THIS SHIT DUDE . PRE SBURB DAVE WAS A FUCKING ASSHOLE AND LOOK AT HOW FAR HE HAS COME . it seems so simple but it actually means a lot especially for someone having gone through all the shit he did and coming out the other side like this .

man so fuckin true

GAHHHHHH MAN THSI UFUCK

okay... so thats all the images i have for this one. i do think its a good place to end it though. this is def my favorite part of the whole comic. theres not much left! next post may be the last. just a few more conversations and little events to happen and then Collide. its gonna be great!!!

#joff hs reread #GOD DAMN YOU #things need to improve or so help me i will freak out #roxygen so cute

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hobimo · 1 year ago

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sorry if i keep sending you asks i think it would feel a lil weird to dm bc my accounts on sns tend to be kind of throwaway accounts bc i don't know how to build an online presence prob freaks ppl out lol but yeah exactly you can tell that a lot of new jikookers experienced fan fiction for the first time with jikook so they just be reading and writing whatever. no critical thinking just big cocks and alpha knots is what it takes. the thing is that imo years ago you used to like a pairing and then get inspired by them to make up stories/characters, whereas i feel that now jikookers first and foremost see jm and jk's relationship and personalities in That specific way and it translates to fics as well. they keep saying it's just fiction but i don't buy it lmao i think it's the opposite so yeah it kinda fucks the whole thing up yk. OH btw i know that author!!! i have one of their naruto fics saved in my bookmarks so i'm def familiar w them, i'll check it out! ty <3

(i'll censor the names just in case) yeah they're rly good! hmm rk1ve1nk did an interesting spin on omegaverse in Forest,F1re. very animalistic even though the characters were made in a lab, super unique fic. Mo0nJar by them too is pretty cool. changing genres completely, user cartograph1c writes these weird lil fics, def recommended!!

HEELLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO i swear i get so excited when i see you in my inbox hello hello hello

yessssss surveycorpsjean has been Around writing bangers. i am just discovering bakudeku the last few months tho so im extra insane about them 👍also recommend watching trigun for normal reasons (please. please please please please we need more people with trigun brainrot. if u like the hanged man archetype and characters doomed by the narratve and tragic siblings you will Love trigun.)

thank you very much for the fic recs!!!!!!! i have heard of the first author but cant think of the fic ive read so i will check it out. im such a fucking sucker for super animalistic a/b/o..... that furry shit is so good

i have so many thoughts about the way people talk and think about jimin these days but im so scared putting them on public posts will get me doxxed or some shit. people are very attached to the idea that jimin acts openly queer which is really like. well. yeah. i definitely think people reallyyyy need to remember it doesnt matter how much you believe someone famous is queer theyre just presenting in a way that makes them happy and you really do NOT need to decide whether that's queer or not lmao in fact i think it says way more about someone when they decide he's queer because he doesnt act like a "typical man". like yeah in his performances obviously he explores gender some times but like sometimes songwriters are also exploring themes and thoughts that are purely creative. sometimes its not about them (and sometimes it is!) but. yeah. you can PERCEIVE him as queer if it makes you happy but you gotta remember thats not fact thats just what YOU think. yknow. and i also think this translates kinda into the fic people consume and create.

like here's the thing. people dont need to ACT a certain way to be considered men like thats ridiculous if youre a man youre a man regardless of how you act or what u say or what bits you have. same for any gender. which is why i generally think critiquing the cringey wattpad fics is a slippery slope. however, do i also think a lot of them have a very distinct cishet girl fantasy..... yes. but its embarrassing to write Y/N fic. so theyve gotta vent their desires somehow which is like fine i dont give a shit what people write. (as much as it bothers me how uncritically people read it and get it popular) but sometimes in a/b/o especially....... its VERY clear when your biases come out. which is why its sooooooooo obvious when someone who has never met real life queer people writes it. for example grouping "women and omegas" like they fill the same role despite being different subgenders when u could specify like. omegas and female betas. if u wanted. implying that women are still women even if theyre alpha but omegas are not men anymore. you get me? the fact that u decided to include male/female gender essentialism in the fic genre specifically around Not doing that is so unbelievably on the nose. and yet i see it everywhere. (i also think this is a symptom of people never having read other fandoms tho. they dont even know about gock [girl cock]).

also fics where the major antagonists are a group of girls that harrass jimin r super mean bc god we cant have a MAN do that or he's a predator. you get me? and the alpha jk who is quiet and broody and doesnt even HAVE to fight bc he's soooooooo strong the other alphas are just scared of his vibes. like you know the type of fic im describing. in general whenever the major antagonist of the fic is a bunch of women who also want to fuck jk (which like. if we're supposed to believe jk is soooo hot... like. they should?) and the author calls them a "gaggle" of women and emphasises how they "giggle" and their high pitched unpleasant voices..... brother we have some serious internalised misogyny to unpack with that one.

sorry this is such a massive rant I HAVE A LOT OF THOUGHTS. IVE READ SO MUCH BAD FIC IVE NOTICED SO MUCH

#sorry. about this #once again these are all my shitty little opnions......#im a professional hater what can i say. sorry

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nahalism · 2 years ago

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howwwww ddid you manage to study and get a darned degree within a scheduled academic reality with your impulsive and random spurges of energy/inspiration¿¡ is it survivable most of my friends r systematic, somehow collected, motivated in a beauutiful steady way that’s typically required in higher ed and i just¡ do not¡ relate¡ loove you hope you are breathing easy🫶🏻🫶🏻

lool man.

the truth is, i did get the degree, but the process was not as heroic as ur question makes it sound. the determination to finish came from a genuine passion for literature, but also cause i didnt want to drop out and have debt, but no degree to show for it. everytime i looked for an excuse to quit, i had my mum telling me 'i only had a year left and could pursue what i wanted to when i was done'. — she was right, but i dont think right means it was the only way to do things. i think my approach was courageous, but also very based in fear and lack of self believe. so whilst i dont regret it, and its part of what got me to build that self believe and faith over fear, there are times i question if dropping out and pursuing my 'spurges of inspiration' would have been the braver and more rewarding choice. it may or may not have been, but i cant answer that cause its not the path i chose.

how i did it was a matter of programming my mind. sounds cliche, but as ive said before i fanaticised over ways i could effectively 'hack my mind' so that regardless of what i thought felt and was going thru, i could not just perform, but overcome the barriers that made it hard for me to perform. (i have a ask with book recommendations and loads of those books were part of the resources that saw me thru). that process was ugly at times, full of extreme stress, insomnia, extreme highs, crazy lows, smatterings of episodes where i was so exhausted and had pushed my body, psyche and emotional state to such extremes that i was full on out of it and a shell of a person. i was sent to my uni therapist and psychiatrist multiple times, and my family were concerned for my wellbeing. i spoke to my professors one on one maybe a maximum of two times. i barely had friends and a social life because my mental state was so poor, and the friends i did have i was constantly paranoid about losing cause i felt like i had no energy to meet up with them call them or maintain a relationship with them. i had consistent insomnia and near to no quality life. and i pursued art, writing and non degree related passions only because i sacrificed doing the other stereotypical university things my friends were doing.

im not saying this to be a victim. i rate myself highly and respect myself for what ive been able to achieve, but i dont want to say all the good w out contextualising the reality of how bad it actually was. i love learning but the the institution of education itself was hell for me 2 b honestly quite insufferable. i dont know how i survived if not for sheer will

the only advice i can give you is try to have a schedule. dont compare yourself to others, just do your best, find what your passionate about re: your degree, set a personal goal of what you want to achieve, and hold on to that blindly. have people around you that will let you break down and vent about what your finding difficult without judgement. & its awkward but if you can find someone in ur unis pastoral care department that knows what your going thru and will check in to see if your doing good or struggling. above everything, life is short and not promised. follow ur urged and ur inspiration cause thats the only thing thats real and only thing that will keep ur spirits up when times are hard. skills and experience are more important than degrees

sending u a huge hug and all the luck in the world. it might be hard but its not impossible!!! u got this

#ask

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pup-pee · 6 months ago

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VENT POST

i just started typing & i accidentally worte an essay

dont click read more if ur not ready 2 scroll or if u dont want 2 read some random persons thoughts

whenever my mother has a manic or depressive episode every1 looks 2 me 2 help her

bc 4 sone reason im ghe only 1 who understands??? but slso fucking like i dont want 2 i e been trying 2 help her w/various shit since i was born man like literally y do I have 2 help when shes drunk, or hallucinating, or angry, weeping, bored, delusional ect ect

like y me mannn

i wouldnt mind hanging around her if she wasnt a huge source of trauma 4 me god damn

like the problem is i dont mind bing around her its just she has the biggest victim complex & i cannot bare 2 b tricked in2 apologizing 2 her again & again & again & reliving moments that hurt me so i can explain y her actions were not just another tuesday & then she just brushes it off or resays the original statement so i try 2 resay what i said

or when i try 2 calm her down so i let her hold me & sob & i am so uncomfortable bc i dont like bing held by her & she grips my hand & squeezes me when hugging & its like man i dont want 2 deal w/this pls

but when any1 else tries 2 b around her they just make her worse?? make her more upset angry fucking they just trigger her off 4 some reason & she cant b around family or friends bc they just feed in2 her delusions & make them more real 4 her SO IG THATS Y IM THE 1 WHO HAS 2 DO EVERYTHING

4 SOME FUCKING REASON im the 1 ppl listen 2 but then on a dime they will just go “oh but ur the toungest ur not an adult u dont understand it doesnt work that way!” IVE LIVED W/THIS WOMEN MY ENTIRE LIFE I THINK I UNDERSTAND HER BETTER THAN WHEN U KNEW HER AS A CHILD. SHES A FUCKING ADULT TREAT HER LIKE 1

TREAT ME LIKE 1 I GUESS BC U WOULDNT HELP ME AS A KID

dude holy fucking balls im so annoyed bc i cant do anything im just thinking about what ive been doing this week & god damn i h8 the holidays

i want so badly 4 ppl 2 listen & understand me but the bias just DOESNT LET THEM IT DOESNT & IT SUCKS IT SUCKS SO MUCH

bc i can understand what my mother is going through. the mood swings the paranoid/intrusive thoughts the sudden depression BC REAL ME 2 GIRLIE

whcih sidenote my mother told me she was suppossed 2 get diagnosed when she was younger but didnt bc the walk 2 the therapists office each time was way 2 much & just like goddamn that sucks ass. bc imagine if she was able 2 cope better instead of alcohol & cigs & impulse buying all the useless shit

anyways mayb thats y my mother is able 2 stand me more than the others. bc i can relate. which also makes me more easy 2 manipulate but i think ive gotten better @ standing my ground? i hope. man.

mayb i shoukd like talk 2 a therapist bc i want 2 tak about these things but everytime i went 2 a therpist((multiple)) it was always “oh it seems u have it all figured out”

did i get cps called or alerted from me multiple times then got scared in2 talking further in2 it? maybe

but literally cps does jack shit

dude the cops came 2 my house bc my mothers dramatic & she wouldnt let me talk 2 them ((bc i was a minor @ the time)) & they jsut went “ah yes normal behavior.” she drunkenly told them wrong information about our family like that i had a sister? do not. she tried 2 she them the injuries that my dad gave her ((she had none)) & then just refused 2 let me b alone. & oh holy fucking shit. when the reaosn was “well its 2 hot!” i said “they can come inside” she said no

then it was bc i was a minor which doesnt matter bc law

like i had 2 shove her back inside dude it was awful

then when i opened the door she was like right there oacing around like i can not i cant

she did get held 4 that night bc they took it that she was the main disturbance & HOLY SHIT THAT WAS 1 OF THE MOST OEACEFUL NIGHTS IN A WHILE

but ohhh my god she has not let that shit go 2 this day

“they arrested me 4 no reason!” “do yk how AWDUL it is in jail? ofc u dont!” “they had 2 search me!! it was so violating”“ur father LIED 2 them 2 get me.” “those police were lazy & racist” ((i mean ur not weong but also ur not right in that moment)) “yk who had 2 pick me up bc ur father wouldnt? yeah so & so” LIKE YES I GET IT U HAD 2 SPEND 5 HRS IN WHERE EVER U WERE

ohhh my god listen i can understand how treatment can b traumatic but HOLY SHIT the thing that bugs me is how she doesnt realize SHE PUT HERSELF IN THERE

she called the cops of my father then got arrested like girl PLS

she dismisses everything based on those reasons then used them against us

OHH MY GOD I JUST REMEMBERED she tried 2 tell a friends parent who we ran in2 about all of this & i had 2 pull her away like do u know how embarrassing that is? i was trying on the fly 2 correct her BC I DIDNT NEED ANOTHER OUTSIDE INFLUENCE FEEDING IN2 MY MOTHERS VERSION OF EVENTS

im so fucking tired man. & then my father tries 2 defend her & its like my good sir u r the victim but also u neglectful asshole take care of urself the way u never took care of my brother or i

like hes fucked up but hes not a terrible person. outside of the transphobia, racism & other things that i think hea grown past? listen he used 2 b way more homophobic but like my mother helped him w/that shit

but oh my god dude i remneber coming out 2 my family in 8th grade & he went 2 his lesbian friend talking abiut me bing trans which. rude honestly. i wouldve rather him ask me questions not some girlie i never heard of. & holy shit she fed him the worst advice. “when i was younger i thought i shouldve been a boy when i was just gay” GIRL STFU IM SRRY I WENT THROUGH THAT BUT U R NOT ME

she made him so much more surr of himself then he shouldve been & im still struggling 2 explain shit 2 him

dude hes oit here talking about trans women in sports when i dont even play sports like hhhh

my mother has this friend who is like a professor 4 brain shit & shes a proud supporter of lgbtq+ everything

& like shes been wonderful. she supports me even if im 2 scarex 2 say stuff 2 her or cant text her bc i dont have her number angmkre & i dont want 2 intrude on her life

but its the way none of my parents believed her or took her advice on anything

shes my fairy godmother man like they will trust her w/my life if they got died gone but they cant take her advice w/something she literally has a degree in

& it SUCKS bc she believed in my mothers words about my father abusing her WHICH IM JUST SO FRUSTRATED ABOIT

i havent been able 2 talk 2 her bc of it man it sucks… also bc i dont have her number anymore haha lol lol ahaha hhh

& dude its like mutual abuse. my fathers a lot easier 2 b around than my mother most of the time but it flips so easily.

they both r just elly hard ppl 2 b around

i think i takw back that precious statement. theyre both rlly hard 2 b around

explainign the concept of racism 2 my dad is so difficult. bc he cant understand y asian like no-no words r hurtful bc he has an asian wife BUT THE MOMENT U BEING UP THE N WORD HE JSUT CANT WAIT 2 SAY IT 2 PROVE ME WRONG

LIKE DO U NOT UNDERSTAND THE SHIT UR SAYING

& HE JUST WANTS 2 TURN EVERYTHING IN2 A DEBATE ITS SOOO TIRING

like @ least my mother wants 2 hear me talk about my interests instead of telling me 2 shut up

like ik she guilt trips me but @ least she actually likes my company i think

idk man

i just want 2 have a relationship w/them but its so hard & i feel like giving up

my brother basically alr has but he has like, friends n shit dhjdksk

i dont rlly have other ppl like that((mainly my own fault im a pussy)) & it sucks bc i love ppl & man y do i have 2 have a brain that h8s me as much as my parents do

i just want 2 exist in my body & like laugh & smile & eat food a normal amount y is it so hard

y is it so hard 2 just talk 2 some1 when thats all i want 2 do it sucks

but 2mr is another day these feelings will pass & hopefully i will get better or some shit even if ive only been getting worse

this headache is making me reflect on my life man

got me cryinf & shit

god & i just keep thinking about laying in the hospital bed & the nurse telling me not 2 kill myself & her sharing a story about her brother & how he tried but lived & how hos attempt was much worse than mine & now i cant help but compare everything i do or think bc theres always some1 off worse than me stfu

like i will not attempt again ((until??)) @ least donald fucking trump is dead bc i will live off my spite 4 him

but oh my god i hope i can fix myself b4 then

mayb ill just keep setting goals of ppl i need 2 outlive bc @ least im better than them nomatter how much i suck

like jk rowling

is that how u spell her name i dont give a shit. but like i should just keep doing that? idrc how dark it is i just know ppl dont eant me 2 die even if i want 2 so ig ill do it 4 them

oh i just remmebered bing in the hospital bed & my mother yelling @ me then running out XDD im not ok dude that moment sucked that hurt so much & no1 even asked if i was ok mannn like ok let me dissociate on the bed while watching history channel whatever ancient aliens? ok let me just giggle @ this

YK WHAT SUCKED

Omg i couldnt sleep every in both the hospital & the pych ward bc i cant sleep if ppl r watching me

like if some1s looking @ me my body wakes up bc of just this fear instilled in me i suppose?

i think it happened bc of my parents

a mixture of bing forced 2 sleep in their bed & also my mother taken numerous pictures of my father ((& by consequence me)) 2 use as ammo agaisnt him

“oh he sleeps so much” “he snores os loud” “hes passed out drunk” like girl u have over a 1000 pictures of my dad just sleeping calm tf down

anyways i cant sleep if some1s looking loke the moment some1 opens my door i shoot up. which was useful when school tbh but i couldnt sleep @ ALLLL during the hospital bc theres a nurse there 24/7 & in the ward i got a roomm8 yk & the door checks

like ughhhhh i dont sleep well or long anyways unless i dont sleep 4 a while then my body knocks me out((which is what happens/ed)) but holy mollyyyy

i think existing in this world would b a lot better if i didnt confine myself 2 this house. if i like, got out yk? if i left it all bhind

which goddamn i tried like me running away was not a joke idk how ppl took it as that but whatever im so tired of just existing in here

like althoguh im in my safe cave((my room)) im always terrified of the next knock on my door or attempt of conversation

srsly if u want 2 talk or hang out w/me dont complain that i dont shut up u signed up 4 this shit U WANTED 2 HANG OIT W/ME

do u want me here or do u just want this idea of me 2 b here?? i cannot get over it. which fine if its a “i want 2 hear what were watching” situation but 1. subtitles. but fine fine i get it u dont like those so ill shut up or just leave

but dont complain when i leave

& WORSE

DONT B A HYPOCRITE & YAP MORE THAN I DO

watching fightclub was a NIGHTMARE bing told 2 b quite then hearing them talk 2 eqchother ot try 2 talk 2 me then when i would try 2 start a conversation it was like “oh mo we got 2 pause the show bc THIS is goinf 2 go on & on”

like ok goddamn ill shut up ig

i mean @ least when my brother watches stuff w/me ((which is not often)) he KNOWS ill talk. which is y he doesnt watch stuff w/me!! & thats fine!! WE HANG OUT IN DIFFERENT WAYS. like when he asked me 2 stick around during an oil change or when i talk 2 him when hes making food 4 himself like IS IT THAT HARD??

my brother is not a shining example of some1 who completely understand or is purely good. i mean in the car he will constantly say “jokes” calling ppl a slur then bing like “but yk i dont mean that in a bad way” like ok man whatever u grew up w/ny father i understand y u say this

i asked 1nce what the joke was & i think he like actually stuttered. like his brain had 2 load in a response bc it was just “what was the punchline?” “a joke doesnt have 2 have a punchline” “not rlly but most jokes r jokes 4 a reason. so what was the funny bit about that?” “it was just funny” like i dont think thats how it worksss

sigh but @ least their better than my fathers jokes. & my mother oh my god. her humor is literally “haha gangers wear their pants so low u can see their underwear”

& OHH MY GOD when my father tries 2 say we have the same humor

no sir we do fucking not shut the hell up. ive laughed @ 1 joke hes ever said in his entire life istg

he constantly turns 2 me & goes “how r u not laughing this is hilarious!” ITS BC WE DONT HAVE THE SAME SENSE OF HUMOR IVE BEEN TELLING U THIS

or mayb none of them r funny bc i can make them laugh but they cant make me laugh & its getting me rlly insecure

& oh my god if some1 makes 1 more fatphobic ass comment im going 2 send them 2 the time out corner I CANNOT

got in an argument about societies influence on whats “right or weong” & beauty standards came up. yk bc fatness doesnt equal beautiful or some shit like ok whatever i think theyre hot af but surr push ur views on2 me

like DUUDDEEEE trying 2 explain that sexiness is a person fucking opinion & not a fact just goes over EVERY1S HEAD

like hi. im trying 2 explain a concept & trying 2 b patient bc im basically destroying how uve lived ur entire life but pls listen 2 meee

4 some reason my family love 2 compare me & themselves 2 eachother & im so tired of that

i am not like u i dont want 2 b like u bc u make me so depressed i want 2 hurt myself 4 bing aeound u

when my brother compares me 2 our parents its in an effort 2 “change myself 4 the better” but i dont think this criticism actually helps me. it just makes me feel more like shit bc now i feel like im the person that hurt me so i hurt others & UGHHH its awful

my mother has compared me 2 my father in order 2 try 2 get me on her side. things like “thats what ur father would say.” “ur father thinks the same way” ect ect along those lines & its stupid & annoying & i h8 it

MY FATHER THO IS THE WORSSTTT 1 OF THEM ALL

he compared me 2 himself when its a positive trait & my mother when its a negative trait

“oh i 4got ur phone in the kitchen? haha u got that from me” “u 4got what day it is? u r ur mothers child”

“see ur smart & dont care about others opinions. u remind me of myself” “ur so sensitive like ur mother.”

“reading books & preferring physical materials? loving the library? u r my.. daug-child” “creativity? yeah thats ur mothers side of u”

“i like that we can talk about hard hitting questions during shows that dint distract us & let us dig deeper in2 whatever or smth.” “u talk so much. just like ur mother”

LIKE UGHHHH

ive only “rlly got 2 know him” in the oast 2 yrs bc b4 that he was rlly uhmm… absent? not gone but i just. idk he was much more of an alcoholic & seemed 2 care more about work then me

apparently thr thing that snapped him out of that mindset was when i told him i didnt have many memories of him

which

i dont

bc i just dont. unless its him bing drunk n shit & arguing/fighting like isk what 2 tell u

& OHHH my god im still confused about this memory i have bc 2 me ifs as fresh as daisies but my mother told me smth about thag night that i dont remmeber

in trying 2 incriminate my father she said smth WILDLY uncomfortable & now i have no idea if its true or not bc im sure its jot but what if it was & holy mother of jesus that scares me

bc i dont trust her but i want 2 & ik she cares about me but what if shes just trying 2 get me on her side BUT WHAT IF ITS TRUE.

that night was scary enough i dont need 2 think sbout it more mannn

ugh i h8 family vacations

like just any family outting. we got a flat tire bc father wouldnt listen when we daid “hey dont drive on sharp rocks” & then every1 got pissed @ eachothrr & then @ ME WHEN I TRIED 2 B OPTIMISTIC. then when waiting 4 a pick up 2 help us they got blasted drunk & my dad started hitting me in the fucking truck & when we got bsck 2 town my brother picked only ME up bc he doesnt care 4 my parents & he said i was the victim in that? sure whatever

but when my parents came home they started a fucking fight w/them while ienas in the shower so i got out & started 2 record the aufio bc i coudlnt rlly,,, like get out? my father threatening 2 fight my brother pushing him in2 corners forcing him out the soor my mother “trying” 2 make “them” stop but just making it worse bc again. victim complex she needs 2 b in the middle of eveything

& my brother just wanted 2 help me i feel so so so bad

the time when we were out of state bc my brother was moving away((has since been manipulated back yay go mother)) & my father fucking left my mother & i there. took the car & just drove back home. it wasnt the worst we had a hotel room & had a car but it still sucked.

we didnt have many vacations when i was younger bc my father was always working so my mother would take us places & honestly it was better bc she would always put on a persona like how she does when she works yk?

bit when my father would join 4 things like birthdays it always ended up in drunk fights & threats. even if we were bringing friends w/us on trips 2((not the birthday 1s))

there r times when my mother has gotten oanic attacks in the car from the way my father drives & i get like 2nd hand panic from that bc, ofc i do. & my father just gets pissed off @ her?? also my mother & i get vry motion sick so the way he drives also triggers that like crazy. but he gets upset when we mention it or constantly tell him 2 calm down bc if he doesnt stop switching lanes & taking sharp turn 1 or both of us will b throwing up.

& its usally me saying it bc im the only 1 who has the fucking balls apparently bc I DONT WANT 2 PUKE. & my mother cries so easily from him but she also abuses him & UGHHH ITS SO ANNOYINGLY COMPLICATIED

oh its also awful when my mother drives tho bc she drives drunk if were hanging out. like only if its me & her & omg i let her get away w/it way 2 much.

trying 2 convince her 2 pull over bc shes having a panic attack while shes drunk is not fun. on the interstate. its not fun.

like thats not all its just oh so tiring mann ughh woe is me i suppose

theres many times also when my father will just abandon 1 of us on the street. like ONLY if its only 1 of us in the car tho bc if theres another person they would prolly protest

ive been l8 2 school((& lost)) multiple times & man i got so many detentions bc i just couldnt wake him up which fair on that but god god god fucking damnit

just the power move of trying 2 get the other person 2 shut up bc ur having an argument by threatening 2 leave them on the side of the road or 2 not drive them somewhere or not pick them up is smth my dad consistently does 2 this day. not 2 me much anymore bc ive “learned my lesson” & i can usually talk my way out of it but he did do it 2 my mother like 2 weeks ago bc of such dumb reasons

it was so frustrating trying 2 express myself about trans shit & then getting like told he would force me out if i kept getting upset @ him so i just shut up about anything gender related until i was 18 bc that was the rule

& its useless bc i dont even have a say 4 myself still so who gives a shit i h8 everyhting it makes me so sad like y did i just let myself do that? y did i let myself intentionally get hrut?? bc i was scared?? i fucking guess. bc i wanted 2 prove myself? i had false hope. like its so frustrating

its apparently normal 4 families 2 fight but i dont like it. “ofc u would prefer ur friend u dont fight” like i think thats how its supposed 2 work?

then getting told “oh thats just how our family is. no1 would get us were unique were not like the other sheep families” like FUCK THAT i want 2 eat DINNER W/U

shout out 2 never eating dinner 2gether so when i did @ friends places i was scared & awkward

haha. fun. shout out 2 explaining im scared of helling but telling my friend im not when they do it then them telling me “thats not normal” i said yeah it is

i think about that a lot. bc i think thats when i rlly started 2 realize how not normal my family is. back in like elementary school.

my brother telling us his friends dont like them((our parents)) bc theyve been scared of them. like huh. when u dont grow up in a toxic environment ur able 2 tell when somethings toxic! go figure

& its rlly frustrating bc IK my parents r not inherently bad ppl. they care 4 us in their own fucked up way. they tried their best. they want the best 4 us & vowed 2 not let us grow up like them.

which, in a roundabout way actually did make is grow up like them but in like a different font.

my father has talked about not wanting us 2 b afraid of him bc he was afraid of his dad bc he would beat his ass. he didnt want us 2 worry about money.

but in a weird way that like, did make me incredibly afraid of him.

bc he worked all the time 2 get money, he was stressing himself out((& it wasnt just 4 my brother & i it was also bc my mother was pressuring tf iut of him & berating him about it)) but BC he was always working i never saw him. so when i did see him he was tired but he has insomnia & cant sleep 4 shit so he would drink 2 go 2 sleep

but he would drink a lot

but the drinking made him drunk of fucking course so he would argue w/mother & so eventually all i came 2 know him as was some1 who only yelled & fought

& that makes me scared of him.

hes forceful. hes self righteous. hes aggressive & if u dont think of him as right he will make u.

& he still is all of these things its just toned down bc hes stopped drinking as much. which has raised more probelms but i cannot b bothered 2 type them out hell no

but hes often told me that he fucked up more than his father. bc of the memory thing yk? when i told him i rlly dont have any good memories of him he broke down bc while he was scared of his dad, he still loved him & admired him. he had memories of his dad teaching him 2 fish & things like that

& i can tell hes improved as a dad i think. i mean im trying 2 b more supportive about it then my brother

giving him space when he finally gets sleep like,,, normal etiquette & also letting him vent 2 me or ask me uncomfortable questions. i try 2 answer them so he understands yk

i also try 2 push him 2 think himself tho bc he rlly just cant think outside of his bubble. like its extremely annoying. he will talk about how smart he is then say how the media is all liberal so he watches fox news 2 combat that like i get it i just want ppl 2 approve ur fucked up world view holy shit

but i can see him realizing like, what it is not 2 b such a hard person bc when i hugged him when he came back from a trip, he like, remembered

he was tired((3 days no sleep)) & just drove back but when he came home i gave him a hug bc idk, im a physical affection person & it kills me 2 b uncomfortable w/affection so ive been working on that. but also it just looked like he needed it

but he told me the next day about how much it meant 2 him so mayb hell understand?? sonething?? that i dont h8 him exactly,,, i think. but that i treat him the way i do bc of how hes treated me? & when hes less of a shit bag im less allergic 2 him?

idk that feels like how my mother treats him which puts a fowl taste in my mouth but i swear on my life its different. like i swear im not trying 2 manipulate him in2 doing what i want

which he seems 2 think i do try 2 do that? mostly in ways like of trying 2 make him think differently

which i will not deny. i would rather him not b transphobic & racist & whatever but hotdog its hard

this seems 2 b a common trait among all my family tho. when i try 2 explain a concept & then them telling me i got brainwashed by the media?? like mayb but also im not a h8ful person just bc of some1 existing so i think thats alright

its like the 1 point i can talk w/my mother tho. like its the only time she will listen. ALSO WHEN MY BROTHER SAID HE UNDERSTOOD THEY/THEM PRONLUNS?!?!? HOLY SHIT!!! i mean i dont use them BUT THE FACT HE ACKNOWLEDGES THEM MAKES ME SO HAPPY BC IT MEANS HE HAS BASIC HUMAN RESPECT

i mean did he out me 2 my fathers side of the family & now im scared 2 talk 2 them? yeah

but thats just bc i havent talked 2 them since i was in diapers & then when i did it was strange bc they were so normal ((minus the slight racism but they just,,, r white & live in utah. like seriously i like tea bc its good nor bc im asian & my hair is a natural color its not dyed. no u cant touch it???? no i dont speak asian wtf)) snyways but they did grow up mormon so hahah afriad

y r u as a man a mormon? u want more men? huh? is that it?

no but anyways yeah im scared of them. which is strange bc theyre rlly nice

but i think i just cant accept ppl in my family bing nice & accepting 2 me bc its rlly scary. like. i have cousins. i have fucking cousins & theyre younger than me & im scared of them

even on my mothers side im scared of my family

& its not just that but ive convicned myself that i feel alienated from them bc im also half asian so i just dont “fit in”

i dont. look like them. i dont have sinilar intrests im weird y am i crying

fuck y is it so hard 2 make human connection 4 me mannn like its rlly annoying i just want 2 b hapoy & talk 2 ppl but ive convinced myself every1 h8s me & my existence & that im annoying & irritating & have nothing if value 2 contribute 2 every so y would i bother them or any1 & i h8 myself 4 it so much

like no fucking wonder i like that fucked up fox boy sm r u shitting me. this shot stinksss mannn

& it also hurts bc my brother called me dumb 4 thinking like this bc hes never ever thought of it b4. which

fair enough ig

he doesnt care much 4 things like that.

but ig i just do

i think it all stemmed from my mother always pointing out im HALF asian like ALWAYS correcting me. & it just spiraled from there bc when i was younger i never even noticed i was asian yk what i mean? childhood innocence “i didnt see color” lol

but whenever i started 2 grow up & say smth like “its so strnage that ive noticed ppl dont eat rice 4 ever meal! bc as some1 whos asian-“ then she would cut me off & say “HALF asian”

& honestly it fucked me up 4 no goddamn reason.

like literally who cares. i say. as im crying tears. like i rlly dont understand y i care sm but it jsut hurts

like i dont feel whole. i dont belong in 1 or the other & its stupid ik but my brain still convinces me its true.

that bing said its always strange bc ppl consider me just asian. like i never had 2 clarify so it makes me wonder y my mother feels so vindictive 2 do so

like in 7th grade we were doing this gene thing. & guess what, the 2 asian kids were paired 2gether. so we basically just asked about facial features & based on the score we got we would b put in2 a certian number group

which makes sense ok its like basic understanding of how genetics works 4 beginners

but when calling the numbers, we both stood up 4 like number 13

& ONLY US

every1 turned 2 look @ us when a kid went “woah & its the inly asians” like ok lmao

but it just kinda makes me think about how no1 fucking cares that im wasian. im just asian & white. im both.

i am not a percentage of 1 that will tell me if im more white or asian it doesnt rlly work like that. u cant split me in half & say this is the white side & this is the asian side.

logically.

emptionally all that shit gets thrown out the middle bc of fuckign course ur half & half u twinkie bitch

i feel like ive lost the point of whatever im typing

it was noce 2 just kinda vent about it whicj i do way 2 often lol

will i post this? mayb mayb not. it is noce 2 post these tho bc 1, this is my blog its me. 2, it makes them feel lore real

like less imagination i suppose?

idk. wheneve i share these thoughts or recount these memories 2 my family it always gets pushed aside so i just kinda, want them here. ig

i mean ok i havent actually shared some of these thoguhts 2 them. like i mostly avoid talking about my od bc they dont want 2 hear about how they make me h8 myself way more than i alr do & when i even slightly hint @ that shit they press me more like “what did i dooo” like ok let me go down the list again

then jts the whole “prove it” like shit alright i have some recordinfd from thr last 2 hrs but thats it do u want those? no? u dont? bc they make u upset? ok

i got a christmas card from my grandma & grandpa & my grandma wrote about how she was interested in my like etsy store & wanted 2 hear morr about my adventures

which is crazy bc i havent talked 2 them since,,, shit like the last time i talked 2 them lol uhhh b4 they moved away. like way b4

but the fact that she remmebered is insane 2 me

its the same way i feel when my mother remmebers my favorite color is pink or when she knows i like tmnt

like when j started getting in2 comics & talk her about the last ronin & how i wanted 2 read it bc uhm guess who my fav turtle bro is. but i didnt expect he 2 remmeber snything or b interested @ all but she got me the whole fucking book

off of like amazing yk. but she saw that & got me it & thats insane 2 me

my mother often tries 2 buy back my affection which unfortunately works bc she actually lsitens 2 me

like 4 christmas she got me a new keyboard thats quieter bc ig she remembered whne i told her that my brither conplains that my keyboard is 2 loud @ night so i wanted a new 1 so i didnt wake him

& just

its things like that when ik she genuinely cares about me. like, how i remmeber her when i was younger, b4 she put on some sort of persona all the time

not that she buys me shit btw bc i rlly wished she stopped doing that but the fact she listens 2 me. like woah.

like she KNOWS i like flash & superman!! LIKE SHE KNOWS I LIKE THEM BETTER THAN BATMAN!! SHE KNOWS THIS!! i mean she cant rlly recall my favorite characters but i dont expect her 2 im honestly just super impressed he cared that much about my interests @ all

it makes me like glad. in a say like how my friends would remember my favorite characters. like when ie wtched toilet bound hanokokun i like tsukasa aka his brother fav character right there & MY BESTIE WAS ABLE 2 TELL THE DIFFERENCE BTWEEN THE BROTHERS BC THEY PAID ATTENTION 2 ME??

like they knew i love tohru from dragon maid & that i live snufkin so dearly they got me a silly gay ass moomins hoodie 4 my birthday

or that i called myself a dogboy as a silyl bht semi yk real bc haha cope cope cope & THEY GOT ME DOG EARS & I JUST

i regret so much bcoming scared of them

like i fear how bad of a friend that i am that i distanced myself from them bc im convinced they h8 me

but when i remmeber these things im like no obviously they cared enough 2 listen 2 u & also share interests w/u & hang out w/u on fucking skype & play ur games cause u played theirs & its so stupid im so stupid

im such an idiot i want 2 talk w/them again

theyve been my best friend since 4th grade ive known them since i was in 1st & they were the 1st person i came out 2 & when i thought i was about 2 b h8ed & casted aside they said no u idiot i care 4 u holy shit im an idiot

y am i so scared of them y do i not thijk im worthy of their time theyre my best friend i miss them

so much

i love them sk much & ive neve tild them bc ive been scared 2 say it 4 so long till this yr bc i genuinely love ppl & i want them 2 know i regret it so much

ive always been afraid of being close 2 them like sitting in the same bed or couch 2 watch a show bc ive always been sfraid o how bad i smell cause ive been told my entire life that i smell like shit bc i fucking do bc im 2 fucking broken 2 take shwoers ir properly take care of myself

but they wanted me 2 they wanted me 2 & i dont undertsnd & i feel so bad 4 not letting myself get closer bc when i ddi 2 another frind & they told me i dont smell like shit i dont know i dont knoww

i miss them so much ive hugged them like once & i want 2 do it again but i definitely dont deserve it after distancing myself like this

& it sucks bc this is exactly what my parents want man

they h8 their family & them bc they “changed me”

which rllt just means they made me more comfortable bing myself but whatever. they made me “loud” they made me “trans” ((even tho i came out 1st 2 them???” they r manipulating me & THEY STILL BRING THEM UP DISPITE ME NOT TALKING 2 THEM IN LIKE 7 MONTHS,, & that was just over text

i rlly miss them i miss all mybfriends but i dont think they should deal w/the baggage that is whatever the fuck i am mannn

i just rlly hope they dont think of me bc it will bring on bad feelings & i dont want 4 them

im sobbing way 2 much i started making sound

yk i was just quietly sobbing b4 but i started thinking about mt best friend & i just couldnt hold it back in this sucks

every since i considered them a friend my parents have been telling me how theyre awful & manipulate me

& how they dont like them or their family & i think its a pile of horse shit bc if anything were the manipulative bastards like tf & its partly my parents fuslt that i dont interact w/them bc i just cannot take my parents bing awful shit bags 2 them & their family 4 litterly just existing

i can take transphobia directed @ me whatever but the instant any of them being up them i lose it. i scream i yell i push away

like its so fucking aggravating.

i dont think theyre perfect. they dont think theyre perfect ik that. but the fact that my parents theink they & i do is SO ANNOYING

stop basing everything u belive in on fucking fiction, i dont live in ur imagination

i sm real. they r real. were ppl mot concepts u can play around w/& i cannot wrap my head around how that doesnt make sense

i miss my best friend

i miss bing a kid, but in the way i was hapoy bc i ddint understand or care 4 these things

now i can grasp them slightly better & my brain turns them agaisnt me & hurts me 4 no fucking reason so now i i want 2 just disappear & woopsie daisy fuck me blehhh

did yk i cant play muliplayer games bc they make me cry? i get so scared of playing w/other ppl that i start panicking & crying

but i played w/my friends bc they like multiplayers & they would accommodate 4 me & hype me up & i fucking miss positivity so much

bc like i would play like idv right? my im so insecure anout my skill & my friedn was higher rank so they used an alt account 2 pkay w/me even tho they said i was good enough 2 play w/their main

like its such a nice thing that i dont think theh noticed they said or did they were just. functioning as they normally did as a nice fucking considerate person & i crying iver it

im fucking crying

& i stopped talking 2 them bc im as asshole. & when i told them y i want them 2 stay away they said but ur not. but ur not ur just a dick sometimes & i want 2 cry bc wtf is the difference mann ejfjk what is the dofference

im so scared 2 reach out despite constantly crying out a call. ill work up 2 it i want 2 i need 2 i just rlly want 2. i just panic so fucking much i start crying like literally whats wrong w/me

whats the difference btween talking on tumblr & talkiing on discord/msgers?? what is it??? i dont know

my headaches gone down slightly now so im going 2 make food 4 myself

& prolly cry some more anyways

#like a ranty vent post #as i do #its just me rambling #LMAO MAKE FOOD NVM my brother walked in on me crying bc wants me 2 go on a grocery run w/him #ok food waits #praying the food fucking waits bc

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myownprivatcidaho · 4 years ago

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at this rate im keeping my sister as far away from spn as possible cause the second she sees the ridiculous amount of sacrifice that people on there use as acts of service shes gonna act like she's got me all figured out

#personal #like im AWARE how oblivious this dounds but she thinks its an abandonment issues thing and like.#man idk its insulting she thinks that how i express love is secretly self motivated and not actually love and just selfishness #one time i actually taktked to her about how i feel selfish asking for things and like ! i am well past expecting what i give to be returne #but now she acts like theres something im mot coming to terms with and like idk one time we were arguing and she was like #/Well mAyBe YoU sHoUlD ASK fOr [subject of argument] like.#a)fuck you b)its not sone hidden motive expressed through acts of service like im secretly just being selfish i know what it is #its lack of inhibition its not like i started doing it once i realized it could get me smth its how ive always been and i never learned how #to stop or balance it out so it doesnt bit me in the ass #but shes got all this tiktok psychology (which is a contender for the piss poor armchair psychology on here) and thinks shes got me Figured #Out like its an abandonment issues thing #like i do have abandonment issues im not denying it but it doesnt manifest through THAT it manifests other ways fuck off #like no siree im just like this !!!#like its not smth i picked up for selfish purposes its my abrasive personality thats secondary but nooo she thinks thats just like. Primary #Nature and not smth developed over the years #idk im going into a different topic but shes got me all wrong and its aggravating and she picks some Superior Stance like im some Unwell #Mongrel for not talking to her about this but ! this is what happens when i do! and theres more central reasons for actively Not doing that #but this is one hell of a deterrent #ANYWAYS #jesus i try to keep this stuff vague when i vent in the tags but. alas :|#delete later #spn for ts

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little-miss-dilf-lover · 2 years ago

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Tangerine headcanons/ imagines

tangerine x female reader

tw: none! just cute stuff that makes us sad

okay so I love analysing people and ive been in love with him since march/april, so this was a piece of cake- also im obsessive and lonely so was super easy lmfao

these are just things that I think (kinda self indulgent) but if you disagree that’s fine too

princess treatment- he’d treat you like royalty

huge softie at heart

love language wise:

physical touch- I feel like he’s quite handsy, he always has to be touching some part of you

acts of service- he’d always be willing to help you, does things for you. makes you snacks and drinks throughout the day- like if you’re busy, he’d pop in and give you a tray of stuff you may need

quality time- he’d value the time you spent together, even if you weren’t doing an activity together (both in the same space, doing your own things) he’d designate certain days for just you

gift giving- he’d spoil you like crazy, he’d remember certain little things about you and get you a thoughtful gift based off that (like if you mentioned something you wanted to try for just one second midway in a conversation you had months ago, he’d remember it)

words of affirmation- he’d call you tonnes of pet names, I feel like he’d say ‘my’ in front of it to make it more special. he’d tell you he loves you, how special you are and how much he adores you etc

----

hates everyone but you vibes- he’s standoffish to everyone, but when it comes to you he’s the complete opposite; he speaks very soft and kind towards you

he treats you like the most valuable thing on earth

very patient with you

protector x protected energy- he just always wants you safe

nose and forehead kisses

lots of thumb stroking on your cheeks

lots of intense eye contact- he admires your eyes

feel like he’s a hip and thigh kinda man

I feel like you’d be very close to Lemon, and sometimes it’ll wind him up. Lemon would tell you embarrassing stories about Tan- you’d love it while he’d hate it

I get ride or die vibes- kinda like romeo and juliet, just minus all the death

he secretly loves your chick flicks, he pretends he hates them but watches them with you every time

he also pretends he hates when you call him sweet things but he definitely looks away to smile

he’s very slow to warm up, takes a bit of time to crack him open. on the outside he’s a doberman but on inside he’s like a ragdoll

gets a bit possessive, not in a scary way- but I do think that sometimes it could be

feel like he’s the kind that will literally worship you

you clean his cuts and wounds after missions

he runs warm but you run quite cold, so he’s always trying to warm you up

I feel like you’re the first person he’s actually loved romantically

drinks black coffee and ofc tea

definitely a whisky drinker, he loves a good whisky by the fire

I feel like he’s very clean, likes to keep everything organised. maybe a bit of a perfectionist

always smells good

very romantic and extremely charismatic- a natural charmer. funny and lots of inside jokes

he’s a great caretaker- looks after you really well. if you’re ill he’d be with you at all times, not caring if he got sick too. and when it’s your time of the month he’d get you hot water bottles and you’d get lots of back rubs etc

he loves it when you use your fingers to trace over his tattoos, same goes for his chest hair too

also loves when your stroke through his hair

he gets really irritated in hot temperatures- and starts swearing a lot more

I feel like he’s kind of set in his ways about things/ he knows what he likes, and that you help open his mind about trying and doing new things. you help keep things fresh and exciting

some reason I feel like you’d have daddy issues idk why, (sorry if you do, also sorry if you don’t lmao)

he might follow you like a lost puppy, he’d literally do anything you say

you’d be best friends as well as a couple

he’s very reliable and would drop anything for you

if you needed to rant or vent, he’d be there lending you his ear. he’d be an incredible listener

very attentive

feel like he’s a fast driver, but never when you’re in the car

if someone flirts with you or someone was mean to you at work he’d say “where are they? I will fuckin kill em”

private but not secret relationship

definitely a homebody

whenever he goes past the florists or to the shop, he’d always bring some flowers back for you (more often than not- it’ll your favourite type of flower)

leaves you sweet notes around the house

that’s it for now, hope you liked

#bullet train #tangerine #tangerine bullet train #bullet train fanfic #tangerine x reader #tangerine x you #tangerine fanfiction #aaron taylor johnson #imagines #tangerine headcanon #tangerine imagine

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tavvattales · 4 years ago

Note

Is it ok if I request hcs for Bennett with someone that gets a lot of mental breakdowns? Ive been having a lot lately and wanted to think abt my comfort character so I could get my head out of it :/

Hihi lovely! Of course you can. I hope you've been feeling better and that you smiled today <3 Know that my DMs and Ask Box are always open if you need someone to talk to or vent.

TW: Talk of mental illness

For those that suffer with anxiety, depression, or other mental illness, my page is a safe place for you to freely talk about your feelings(as long as you put a TW before the post). I know the feelings all too well and it can feel so lonely, that you have no one to lean on. But with my page, I support all of you 100%, never be afraid to reach out. Each and everyone of you are valid and your feelings DO matter. It's okay to feel all the feelings! It doesn't make you weak to let them all out <3

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GENSHIN IMPACT Character x gn reader fluff stories~♡♡

Scenario: Bennett guides you and comforts you through a panic attack

Characters: Bennett

Pairings: Bennett x gn reader

Warnings: Detailed descriptions of dissociation and panic attacks, please read at your own risk.

SFW ❤

Click below if you want to keep reading and be comforted by Benny boy 🥰

BENNETT:

● You never met someone who radiated such positive energy before you met him. You always looked up to him for being able to pick himself back up so easily after a bad day. You fell in love with his strength and resilience to keep pushing on no matter what obstacles got in his way, but also his kindness.

● Bennett never met someone who was so in tune with their emotions. He was so used to people bottling up their feelings, but with you, it was different. Someone made you mad? You would let them know. You discovered something exciting? You were all for it and let everyone know with such joy and enthusiasm! He fell in love with your softness and ability to feel all these emotions.

"Y/N," The voice rang in your ears, yet it felt distant. You recognized it, but for some reason your brain wouldn't register and respond. Your vision was blurry until those dreaded words brought you back to reality, "Y/N. . .are you okay?"

No, you were the furthest from okay. It was like your world shattered into a million pieces, like pesky shards of glass that whenever you tried to pick them up, your wounds would only get deeper. Your eyes refocused, glossy, and bubbling over with tears, "I can't breath, " You manage to say between broken sobs.

The silver haired young man's emerald eyes softened with worry as he sat down next to you. He gently pushed back strands of your hair that clung to your tear soaked face, wiping your never ending tears away in the process, "Shh, shh, take deep breaths with me," He spoke softly, breathing in a deep breath and holding it for three seconds before letting it out.

You tried to follow suit, your breath shaky and raspy, your heart still pounding fast, but with each deep breath you could feel your heart beat slow, "Take it nice and slow, as much time as you need, Y/N," The young man said, giving your hand a gentle squeeze.

He continued to breath with you until you could formulate words, "B-bennett. . .thank you," you gave him a weak smile, your eyes and face flushed red and puffy. Your body was still in fight or flight and you felt light headed, but you managed to stop crying and your heart stopped racing a mile a minute. Bennett softly cups your face with his hands, pressing his forehead against yours as if he was giving you his positive energy.

You press back into him and the two of you stay like that for a while before he speaks up softly, "You are never alone when you're with me. When you're having a hard time and it feels like your world is crumbling apart, I will be here to help you pick up the pieces and bandage you back up, no matter how long it takes. I love you, Y/N, through your good days, and especially your bad days when you need my love the most, I will be here." He places a gentle kiss to your forehead before pulling away, "But also, remember to be gentle and kind to yourself. You're doing the absolute best you can each and every day. Be proud of that. I know I am. I am SO proud of you, Y/N"

With those kind words you couldn't help but tear up once more, but this time for a happier reason. You didn't feel so alone anymore.

#rebby writes #genshin impact #genshin impact x gn reader #genshin impact x reader #genshin impact fandom #genshin impact fanfiction #genshin impact bennett #genshin bennett #benny's adventure team #bennett x reader #genshin bennett x reader #potentially triggering #bennett fluff

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kermitmentality · 3 years ago

Text

vent again- sorry guyss

lol ok so i hate this situation

i have a bf- and hes fucking amazing. sweetest person ever

before we were dating, i identified as lesbian. i thought i like him so i identify as bi now

i have been told that bi is being attracted to all genders but it feels different for each? ig- while pan is feeling the same- so like gender blind (im so sorry if this is incorrect this is just what ive been told)

anyways so i cant tell if i like him fr or not...

i was looking through this rant in notes about my ex, madi, after i broke up with her. she was my first gf and i was o b s e s s e d. brokenhearted but it had to be done

and like now i realize we were both feeding into eos mental health issues but whatever

but idk if i like my bf or if it just feels different bc im bi... does that make sense?

like i... dont know... if i would care.... if we broke up....

like he makes me happy and i love love talking to him and fting him-

but i dont know if its romantic-

but this man is uh pretty much in love with me i think

so im scared to do anything abt it either way

so ya y a y

edit: weve been dating for almost 6 months now so like- a h

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chipper-asks · 4 years ago

Note

Any tips on how to grow your own blog by chance?

Aah man I've written a response to this kind of question many times but I always delete it because I'm afraid of coming off as self centered or arrogant, but I definitely have some tips on what works and doesn't work (on tumblr.)

I will say that I never believed I would get to the "Big Fandom Artist" stage. I've seen people drop my name in conversations or descriptions and just assume other people know who I am and that's still incredibly wild to me. I never really pushed to get a big blog it really just happened.

But! I do have rules and personal guidelines that might help if you are thinking of actively building your blog!

1: Keep personal information and vent posts to a minimum

It should go without saying that its not a good thing for your personal information to be on the internet. Once its out there its near impossible to erase. This is for your own safety.

Vent posts give out more information than you might think, but also some people who are following you may be going through difficult times themselves. I go on the internet to get away from my stressors and problems and i've specifically catered my dashboard to reflect my desires. I have no doubt others are the same.

I've unfollowed mutuals because they vented too frequently. I enjoyed what they made! But it stressed me out to read their vent posts because I couldn't help. I realized it was taking a toll on my mental health and I made the tough decision to unfollow.

It is very tempting to vagueblog because its nice getting out all the angry feelings, but a blog with thousands of people following it is not the place to do it.

2: Shitpost vs Quality Foley

I could go into a massive essay on this alone (ive even written out an outline already) but i'll keep it as brief as I can.

Throughout my time on Tumblr I’ve seen a number of posts of artists complaining about the lack of notes on their serious work compared to the abundance of notes on their shitposts.

This is because Tumblr IS a place of shitposts. It's like squeezing a clown nose and expecting it not to honk.

However! It's more complicated than that and i've broken it up into four parts organized by importance.

A. Relevance/Meta: Is it something that people are already familiar with? Is it something that's currently going on?

People want to enjoy things they're already familiar with. For example, people getting into Hollow Knight are more likely to follow a blog that posts HK content regularly over a HK blog that posted a picture of Grimm once and then is full of original content. It's not that people don't like your original stuff, its just not what they're looking for.

If you like striking while the iron is hot, meta jokes are the way to go. Making references to games like Among Us during the height of its popularity for example would get you lots of notes.

B. Hilarity

Is it funny? Does it subvert expectations?

Shitposts will always be more popular than a well drawn post. People like to laugh and share things that laugh. A cool, well drawn post is more often than not met with a "hm, cool. scrolls down."

This is a polished comic I made 10 months ago. I'm very proud of it and i'm pleased with the amount of attention it got. It took me 2 days to finish.

This is a shitpost I made 3 years ago that I still haven't been able to top. It took me 30 minutes to make.

That's not to say a well drawn post can get popular! It's just that people enjoy a good laugh over something shiny. This is a factor of knowing your audience. Some things land better than others and you'll be better off if you just roll with what you get.

I will say tho I appreciate the people who reblog my oc posts 200x more than people who reblog my shitposts and fanart. Those are quality followers and you must cherish them.

C. Appeal

Is it cute? Is it fluffy? Is the design easy to understand? Does it make people emotional? Is it angsty? Is it relatable?

People like cute shit. People like things that make them hurt (albeit not too much). People like things that they can see themselves in.

D. Skill

There is some merit in being good at what you do. People do like funny things more than shiny things, but shiny things are cool too.

If you post things that are funny? You're normal horoscopes.

If you post things that are well drawn? (its really telling that I can't think of someone right off the top of my head)

If you post things that are funny AND well drawn? Well then you're iguanamouth

3: Know your boundaries.

There's a difference between being understanding/tagging things correctly and catering to people who want you to be someone else.

I know that many people get upset with others who gender the vessels in Hollow Knight. While it doesn't bother me, I can recognize the misgendering of vessels as a source of dysphoria and I tag accordingly.

If someone comes into my inbox and tells me to stop drawing a character because they're "problematic," I'm just going to block them and go about my day.

4: This is your blog, its your rules.

I'm apologetically myself on my blog. I post what I want and what inspires me. The reason why I have so many AUs is because its my blog and I like AUs. If a large portion of the fandom doesn't like my AUs, its their loss, I make great AUs.

In fact, its just a good mindset in general to have. If some people don't like what you make, its not your problem. It makes you happy and it makes hundreds of others happy then continue to do what you do. It's impossible to have a large following and not have someone who dislikes you purely out of spite.

Make stuff for yourself, not because you want numbers.

5: Don't feed the trolls.

If someone sends you hate, take a picture of it, share it with your friends, laugh, block the person, delete message, move on with your life.

It's really fun to feed the trolls, but feeding trolls attracts more trolls and soon its not fun anymore. Just laugh when you get your first anon hate, maybe frame it in your room, and don't even acknowledge them with a "fuck you."

6: Recognize your position.

This is more advice for when you do get a big blog. You get to a point when you realize you have a portion of your audience who value much more than a regular human being and are willing to take up arms for you.

Do. Not. Weaponize. Your audience.

It's incredibly shitty and can ruin peoples lives.

7: Post Frequency/Schedule

Now this is one I can't do. It's normal for me to become incredibly active for 2 weeks and then end up posting nothing for a month. I don't have the patience to build up a queue of new things.

However! If you have more discipline than me, posting daily or twice a week builds up anticipation for your next post. You're dependable and people have the chance to look forward to seeing something from you on their dash on Friday.

Thats all I can think of so far.

There's no TL;DR you'll miss my important advice within these tips.

#nofandom #long post

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cienie-isengardu · 4 years ago

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The Development of Law and Zoro relationship: Wano, ...and Law Is Not Happy About That

<Part I: Before Meeting>> <<Part II: Sabaody Archipelago, The First Meeting>> <<Part III: Punk Hazard: The Alliance (A)__(B)>> <<Part IV: Dressrosa, The Breaking Point (The Plan Failed)__ (Saving Law)__(Protecting Law)__ (Birdcage, Pica and Doflamingo)__ (Aftermath)>> <<Part V: Zou, The Kindred Spirits (Traveling Together)__(Searching for Nakama)__ (Reunion)__ (Ninja-Pirate-Mink-Samurai Alliance)__(The Last Moments before War)>> Part VI: Wano, Against Emperors (The Untold Journey)__(Luffy & Zoro Means Troubles…)__(…and Law Is Not Happy About That)

The fight between Law and Hawkins was stopped; Law didn’t manage to eliminate the enemy nor prevent information leakage about alliance presence in Wano. He almost was run over by a speeding cart with stolen food (another “crime” against Orochi & Kaido, which Straw Hats committed in his absence). No wonder why Law was so pissed of at Zoro (chapter 918):

➽ Up to this point, Law never have been so openly angry at Roronoa, nor aggressive toward the other man. Now, Law vented all frustration and anger while Zoro kept silent… and maybe felt some embarrassment(?) about Trafalgar’s unusual outburst, considering bubble speech with three dots and “sweat drop” expressing Zoro’s reaction in a more visible way.

➽ Another interesting detail is how calmly Zoro endured Law’s angry rant. He simply let the other man scream at him, and even tolerated grabbing his kimono and invading his personal space. When it comes to scolding, Zoro reacts differently, depending on the seriousness of the situation and who is scolding him. He either fights back in such situations or doesn’t respond to angry rants and taunts. For example, if Sanji started screaming and pointing his faults, Zoro most likely wouldn’t be so tolerable because those two like to antagonize each other. Seems like Roronoa opted for the calm approach with Law. Maybe Zoro knew that Law was right and his anger was justified. Maybe he simply figured it will be better if Law got all the anger and stress out of him. Or maybe he was just taken by surprise by the sudden outburst?

↪ In all fairness, I think he perfectly knew what Law’s reaction will be, especially considering this ambiguous frame:

At first it seems like Zoro talked about Kinemon, what honestly would make perfect sense. He already mentioned Kinemon when repeated samurai’s warning to Luffy but couldn’t really say his name in front of just met Kiku. At the same time, he could also talk about Law, because at this point he was familiar enough with the man to predict his angry reaction. Law seems to be prone to stress and he likes planning everything ahead and Zoro not sticking to plan (letting Luffy smash enemy) would definitely earn Law’s ire. Righteous so. Then what was the point of arguing with Trafalgar? Even more, when the man, despite stress and rage, doesn't hold on such emotions for too long. Which really seems like the best way to deal with a pissed off Heart Captain was just let him scream until he cooled down and adapted to the new situation.

➽ Because Zoro did not stop Luffy as he should - as Law hoped he would - Trafalgar was blaming Zoro for the whole situation, even though Luffy was as much guilty, charging into unknown without care for consequences. Zoro not once tried to excuse himself or Luffy, did nothing to stop Law’s outburst nor remind Law he wasn’t his captain (superior) thus he wasn’t obligated to listen. He simply let Law scream and blame him for the mess.

Anime expended this moment by actually giving Zoro a chance to explain to Law why he screwed so badly. Which literally was “I met Luffy” what immediately refocused Trafalgar’s anger from Zoro to solely Luffy:

This extended scene fits well with already existing Law’s personal experience from Dressrosa - the usually stoic and reliable Zoro will throw away rational thinking in the favor of Luffy’s whim and craziness. Monkey D. Luffy has that kind of effect on Roronoa.

Also, another funny thing anime did with that scene is when Law was scolding his fellow Supernova, Zoro was maintaining eye contact.

But when he was saying “sorry”, he was clearly looking to his left, instead at Law. Which makes the apology feeling insincere. Zoro wasn’t really that sorry about the mess but he said it, most likely to placate angry (stressed??) Law. Seems like Roronoa is bad at lying; not on Luffy’s level of bad, but still not really into telling lies.

Law most likely could tell Pirate Hunter wasn’t sorry at all, which explains grabbing Zoro’s kimono and screaming more at the other man’s face.

➽ Zoro’s patience and lack of response makes an interesting contrast to Law’s unusual aggressiveness. We may only wonder if Roronoa already had some experiences with such an outburst from the other Supernova. Once again, there is little to no information how their relationship was affected by the journey and situation in Wano, nor why Zoro was so indifferent while Law’s level of stress so high.

➽ Manga and anime versions of the scene give us valuable informations. One: Law was aware that Zoro promised to not cause trouble, like not fighting with samurais and Kaido’s men. That of course was a rational thing to ask of Zoro, because the man is too bloodthirsty for his own good and is always up for a good fight. The manga translation makes it look like Law personally witnessed Pirate Hunter swearing to not cause any trouble. Yet Law’s screaming sounds a bit confusing. On one hand, he knew Zoro A) became a wanted man and B) was supposed to be in Flower Capital. So it seems Law was informed about Zoro’s mission of pretending to be ronin. Whatever Kinemon initiated him from the start or after the wanted poster was made public, Law understood the danger of drawing the enemy's attention to the alliance. Which may be the reason why he was so mad at Zoro and referred to him by surname or called in his mind an idiot. On another, asking Zoro - a wanted man - why didn’t he stay in capital sounds, well, kinda stupid (and interestingly, the additional symbol of irritation was added to this specific question / bubble). Roronoa killed in broad daylight an important person (magistrate), and either killed or injured the magistrate's samurais, so it is not like Zoro could wander through the capital or any city without causing more problems. Of course, wandering directless did not help the alliance at all but it was still the best outcome. As a wanted man, Zoro could either stay in capitol and draw enemy’s attention to himself - and in result, endanger Franky, Robin and Usopp’s missions and even alliance’s presence in the Wano or wander through the wasteland in which was easier avoid unnecessary troubles and, in case of fight, hide dead bodies without increasing the vigilance of Beast Pirates or Orochi’s samurais. As a wanted man, Roronoa wasn’t really in position to come back to Kinemon because of possible pursuit - though he managed to wander into Kuri region, but that is more lack of direction sense than anything intentional, I guess. Unless this is why Law was the most angry? That Zoro came too close to their main secret base of operation? Anyway, Trafalgar for sure did not hold back and vented all his anger and frustration at still passive Zoro.

Soon, the group made it into Okobore Town and gave the stolen food to starving locals while Luffy brought the fresh water with himself. Straw Hat told the happy people “I’m Luffytaro! If anyone asks, you tell ‘em my name!” (chapter 918). For the first time Luffy also noticed Law - now much calmer than a moment ago. Law made clear, that what Luffy and Zoro did was ultimately an act of rebellion against Wano (Orochi and Kaido) to which Luffy responded he was “repaying the favor” to Tama, who fed him, once again getting into additional trouble just because someone gave him free food. The serious note disappeared right away, when Luffy started screaming at the starving people to not eat all meat without him:

➽ The meeting between Luffy and Law is drastically different from meeting of Law and Zoro. Like was mentioned, Trafalgar didn’t show any anger or frustration, so either screaming at Zoro calmed him down or he already gave up trying to reason with Monkey D. Luffy. Taking into account all previous adventures from Punk Hazard to Zou, what in universe happened through what? One or two months at best? Law’s resignation makes sense. Luffy wouldn’t care nor bother to apologize for the pulled stunt, while Zoro, well, didn’t care much either, but at least didn’t try to argue back.

➽ Once the serious talk was done and Luffy literally jumped after the meat, Zoro and Law shared the same reaction (visualed by bubble speech with three dots, though the “sweat drop” symbolising embarrassment(?) is only on Zoro’s part). Despite the previous intense moment, both men were again on good terms and even in agreement toward Luffy’s idiotic/childish behaviour.

The next time we see Zoro, Law and Luffy, Trafalgar kept his distance from everyone else. He stood the closest to Luffy yet with back turned to him. Was that sort of ostentatious expression of dissatisfaction or did he keep watch in case of an enemy's attack, hard to tell.

Luffy loudly declared his intention about Wano to Tama (“By the time we leave this country, it’ll be a place where you can eat as much as you want, every single day!!!”). With a sigh, Zoro noted how because of Luffy’s action, the enemy will come after them for real. Law did not take such a comment from Zoro kindly, because the man ignored(?) his own part in the mess.

➽ Surprisingly, Law still was angry more at Zoro than Luffy, who was the main culprit. But it may be just Zoro’s uncaring attitude that provokes Law so much.

➽ Despite the still fresh feeling of irritation, Law decided to focus at the best course of action - moving on to safest place. In this case, to the ruins of Oden’s Castle, in which Kinemon and the rest of the alliance stayed in hiding.

The group said goodbye to Tama who was taken to home by Horselina (a former enemy-turned-into-her-loyal-servant thanks to Tama’s devil fruit powers). Like always, Law kept his distance from others (in manga on one frame, he kept close to Zoro, on another, to Luffy). In anime, between sharing food and saying goodbye to Tama, Trafalgar was shown usually close to Zoro, similar like he did on Zou:

At this point, there is something to ponder a bit about Law and his (lack of) interaction with people. Like in the scene above, does Law keep close to Zoro (or Luffy) because of their bond (trust?) alone or is that partially due to his minimal social skills? As in, he keeps close to people he at least knows and doesn’t make contact with strangers unless it’s necessary. Zoro and Law both have some asocial traits (seen especially in their tendency to isolating themselves from too large group), but in contrast, Zoro and Luffy were shown through the Wano arc to interact and even befriend the local people while Trafalgar was interacting only with his crew, Straw Hats, samurai group (extended of Shinobu person) - the people he already knew for some time. Law isn’t going out his way to meet new people (like Luffy) nor bonds with accidentally met people (like Zoro with Tonoyasu). It seems in Law’s nature to avoid interaction with strangers as much as possible. Which makes me wonder if that comes simply from his introverted nature, general distrust for people or maybe even some social awkwardness created by childhood trauma and growing up in criminal organisation (Donquixote Pirates)? Because Law’s way to interact with people he just met is either ignore them (seen above) or act in cool manners around them, like in Punk Hazard with Straw Hats… but frankly, Straw Hats freaked him there on so many levels it really makes Law looks like social interaction is not his thing.

This reflection actually comes close to another detail. Namely, Law’s general feeling about Straw Hats helping starved people. Because the locals were truly happy and expresses that just before the departure of Three Supernovas (chapter 919):

Law has strong opinions about pirates, it seems. And it comes from a man that admitted he doesn't like to kill but yeah, doing nice things for (poor) people makes him sick. Was he so annoyed by the cheering people, or did he simply didn’t know how to react to such situation so he went with a grumpy approach?

Law expressed a lot emotions; the outbursts of anger departs from the image of stoic captain but at the same it makes me think that Law must feel okay around Zoro to be so open about his frustration (and lack of control over situation?). At the same time, Zoro let him take out all anger on him without a word. But the most important thing, no matter how much Zoro’s screwed up, no matter how much Law’s screamed and accused and was unhappy about, it didn’t change their already estabilished relationship. Once the situation calmed down, Law again kept close to Zoro and shared the same opinion about Luffy’s antics and in general they were okay in each company.

Next part: Separated Again

#one piece #The development of Law’s relationship with Zoro #roronoa zoro #trafalgar law #wano arc #law & zoro #zoro & law #i loved so much this chapters #all law's frustration and anger #and zoro's calmness about the whole situation #my analysis

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