#my brain actually stops functioning
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why the FUCK is writing smut so hard i'm an emotional person i can't do this 😭🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
#sam writes! ⋆˙⟡🪶#SEND HELP I'M WRITING THE EPILOGUE OF MM#how am i able to plan out the smut in detail but never actually write it#my brain actually stops functioning#did y'all know that the one kaeya series i wrote a while back also was supposed to have smut#i just couldn't fucking write it 😭😭😭#I'VE BEEN WRITING FOR A FUCKING DECADE HOW DOES ONE NOT GAIN THE KNOWLEDGE OF WRITING SEX SCENES#series: mischief managed ⊹₊⟡⋆
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the cruelest thing about the world is that there's so many languages and a girl can't learn all of them
#legit have like 5 things open at once and i'm losing my mind#slovenian and english are locked down#german is far enough to function in so that's fine#but then i have a 50 day streak of swedish (cause it's my fav country to visit)#and i've done like three monthly spurts of russian (cause it sounds so pretty and also slavic so it's not that hard)#and i've done asl for years and love it more than anything#and i fully plan to start in-person classes for slovenian sign (so it'll actually be useful here and great if i come across deaf patients)#anyways. having a good one#my brain is screaming to stop and do one at a time but i don't have the discipline for that#noodle rambles#language stuff#langblr
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i know what's good for you (you can touch me if you want)
tonights homework. listen to my song #mysong
#thinking about when he was on the younger side and still adjusting#and istvan using sex as a—make no mistake perfectly functional—reward for behavior even though it needs to be all but taken from him#ican elaborate if anyone wants but im not actually getting the places i wanted to with this brain dump about it rn so i will stop#well in conclusion. dont read too far into this one youll discover too much about me#isterik#my art#⚔️
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Hey sorry if this is kinda random and wild but I'm kinda like.. idk lost. I saw ur DID and OSDD (?)masterpost from 2019 so I have now chosen you to ask for advice 😬👍🏻okay bare with me here
SO basically like. Someone said they split an alter of my very personal fursona. Like they're talking to me about it and everything like it's just something casual or fun. My psych yk like sorta suspects I have some sort of dissociative disorder so I'm very (very very very) vaguely aware of like. Everything about it. I don't even really see it on myself but ANYWAYS that's besides the point...
I am in no way mad or upset at this person. I'm just unsure of like. How to feel? I'm not really deep into the internet in regards to this topic. I'm genuinely just (?) Idk shocked ?? Like what am I supposed to do... I can't rlly find anyone else this has happened to since I'm not involved in such spaces very heavily.. like I just need some advice I guess sorry if this is kinda out of pocket 😭😭
Yeah it's kind of an awkward situation, isn't it? I can't tell you how you should feel about it, obviously, but as someone with DID, I can tell you that I'd be uncomfortable as fuck in your position.
People can't control what they introject (splitting an alter based on something else, fiction or real), but they can control how they share that information and interact with people it impacts.
Frankly, in your position, I would be asking this friend a lot of questions to get a feel for what's going on. Some people seem to consider it flattering to introject things based off others (if they're treating it like it's casual or fun then they probably fall in that camp), but it's a really awkwardly loaded thing to drop on someone and just expect them to be fine with.
Ultimately you don't really have to do anything. If they're talking to you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, you're allowed to set boundaries, just like any other social situation. If you just feel kind of weirded out and unsure about the whole thing, you can also tell them that, and try to get some clarification.
Good luck buddy 🫠
#like. maybe this comes across a little harsh to the friend#but I don't like how some people just throw around ''hey I split an alter based on a personal thing of yours!''#I gather that they MEAN it as a compliment#kinda like ''I like this so much / it resonates with me so much that I copied it into my brain''#but as someone who views splitting and alters as deeply personal and complex brain functions...#...it makes me deeply uncomfortable to think of someone yanking bits of me into their brain tapestry#It's actually really hard to put into words so I'm gonna stop now lol#answering asks
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kieran hyperfixation so bad he got me actually enjoying doing art (ft. pomoe pokemon oc i have idk... he's just there with a spiked bat)
#pokemon scarlet and violet#pokemon scarvi#rival kieran#pokemon kieran#pokemon oc#totally functional apocalypse duo#kieran is an overthinker meawhile pomoe is brain empty most of the time#i need to ramble about pomoe hold on#uhhhh idk what region they're from but they lived two years in galar before moving to paldea#oh and he was a hooligan i guess and got the spiked bat from his sisterly figure after The Incident#actually the whole story is too long so um fun pomoe fact their name comes from the genus of the morning glory#pokemon does a lot of floral naming so i did the same for pomoe#also due to the lighting it isnt visible but his bangs are eggplant colored... purple with green ends#roasted eggplant served with onions#ok i need to stop staring at my art before i suddenly get self conscious#mochi mayhem#pokemon sv#pokemon sv dlc#pokemon dlc
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actually so low on morale.
#sami rambles#i don't think anyone without a chronic illness can understand what it's like to then get sick on top of that because like.#my flatmate who gave me this chest infection carried on with her life like it was just an annoying cough.#which i have my own issues with regarding like passing it around because she wasn't wearing a mask anywhere :/#like with my condition at least when i get sick my whole body shuts down in order to actually have enough energy to fight the bug.#but my body stops functioning the way it should#my brain slows all the way down so i can't focus on anything#so i am literally just reduced to lying in bed until i start to get better#and it's not even like i can really do work whilst lying in bed because again. brain no work!!#so im just bored and there's a thousand things i need to do but i cant focus on any of them long enough to actually do them#and even thinking about doing them feels like im thinking about taking up the mantle of sisyphus and rolling that big fucking rock#anyway. I'm going up a hill with my friends tonight to watch the fireworks and drink hot chocolate idc if it kills me
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#okay sorry for venting but i’ve been processing that session for months#like im the one who fucked up that session because i couldnt make myself say anything and actually naming any problem i have#felt like im begging to have a bunch of excuses#and god that paychologist really made me feel like i imagined all of that for attention and now im back here again and im once again#realizing my brain is just fucked up and what do i do now because if i went to a session now#i would be in the same situation where i can’t say anything that actually bothers me#so i guess im in deep shit forever or at least until i stop having some fucking mental block or whatever#im just fucking tired bro…….#she told me everyone is a little bit autsitic and that’s it WHAT#bro if i had little enough symptoms of whatever that i could do stuff by myself anyway i wouldnt fucking be ghere paying 200zł for the most#ruining hours of my life thank you so much.#instead i have to use everyone in my life as a crutch because i literally just can’t function without help IUOUOUGHHH#god im so sorry okay im gone im just really going through it rn#vent
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extremely extremely funny to me that sacha dhawan is like one of the only people in existence who i find attractive without any prerequisites or anything, he just is, because now every time i see a picture of him i start BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BA
#rude! actually! of him!#i do not generally find actors attractive. i like thinking about the characters they play fucking. because im invested in the characters.#my sexuality is investment in their character development#but. but. bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark-#jesus fucking christ is this how people who arent on the ace spectrum feel all the time. about more than one person???? whats wrong with#all of you how do you function. i see one picture of the man and my brain shuts off completely#i mean this has happened like once before so it shouldnt be that surprising but its also only happened once before so yes it is surprising.#stop that! ruining my cool guy persona!!!!
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Nowadays trying really fucking hard to teach to my brain that it's okay and better to "just do 10 min of this task" even if it means leaving it unfinished (but further along than before!) rather than not doing it "because when I do it I should do it all" Because jfc I can't keep leaving my house in states where I need to do 30+ minutes of dishes instead of just... doing a little everyday and at least it remains a manageable amount in the sink even if it's not always emptied...
#it's hard but i'm doing my best#im using housekeep chores as an example bc it's an easy one but really this is for everything in my life rn#better draw 10 minutes than none at all#better practise for my driving license 10 minutes than none at all#because I VERY rarely actually get the cross of energy AND motivation to do “a whole task”#rn my brain hates not doing a whole task but i'm sure with practise it'll become easier to feel rewarded for doing just a bit#at least future me thanks me every fucking time so yknow#i just have to practise enough so it doesn't feel like i'm forcing myself everytime#bc starting is always the hardest part#and even if i stop AT LEAST I DID 10 MINUTES OF THE THING SO IT'S NOT STAGNATING HOLY SHIT#i wish i was a functioning human :)#or at least a functioning artist that enjoyed drawing for 4 hours straight after work lmao#beary talk#beary ramble#beary life
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been seeing a lot of jokes making fun of people with alters. i don’t think people realize that some of us (especially people with did/osdd) just genuinely have different brain functions when a different alter fronts…
#lol funny people excuse their horrible actions on their ‘alter LOL’#me who genuinely can’t function or think properly if certain alters are fronting: 😀😀😀😀😀#parts of my brain know things that others don’t. like it’s a real thing that can happen to people#not ALL systems are like that but a lot do!! mostly people with dissonance issues#idk man#actually did#actually a system#stop villainizinb people with disorders!!!!!!
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😷 just venting abt dumb health stuff, pay no mind
#i dont wanna go back to the doctors for my throat bc it was just test after test and absolutely no answer last time#i am/was in a lot of physical pain and it makes talking/eating/drinking and even breathing to some degree VERY uncomfortable#but after all that testing and 'investigating' a few years ago they just said it was probably in my head.#which is fair. my brain isnt good at functioning etc. but that doesnt actually help me when i am in pain#there is nothing VISIBLY wrong with my throat so they just threw it all under my ongoing mental health label i think#very clearly is an actual issue tho. a physical one. no matter the cause. bc its exacerbated by hayfever/colds/flu/recycled air/vomiting etc#i lost my voice for three months a few years back. that may have been a lot to do with my mental health. but the pain made it harder to talk#so i stopped trying to talk at one point and it all spiralled#i am very tired.
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The Kinds of Movies Randy Would Watch with Each of his Friends
Tatum - 'Good For Her' movies are the best ones, but really he'd watch almost anything with her (except the stuff in the Stu category).
Sidney - Classic horror, low on gore.
Stu - The fucked up shit that he wouldn't watch with his other friends because they might think he's weird. Like Salò, Cannibal Holocaust, etc.
Billy or Mickey - Would just let him pick, because he doesn't want to deal with him being hypercritical about whatever Randy picked.
Cici - Psychological or arthouse horror. Or just his very favorites.
#c // randy#will do actual movie lists sometime when my brain is more functional#but i couldn't stop thinking about this until i wrote it down a;sdkljf
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There's also something to be said about the experience of people treating you - sometimes in the span of a single breath - as BOTH Too Sophisticated AND Too Child-like. (My perception is that it's less common from people who are themselves well-educated/highly-trained - they seem more likely to take you seriously and consider moments of 'childishness' as normal - but it's hard to say if that's an effect of becoming Learned or that people who specialize are a lot more likely to be neurodivergent themselves...)
okay
#my DX is theoretically straight ADHD not AuADHD#but partially bc my shrink thinks Pt Doesn't Think The Addon DX Is Useful is a good reason to stop slapping labels#An unrelated thing that gives me bouts of aphasia also tends to feed ppls perception of me as childlike or mentally invalid#like. yes: some of my brain functions are subpar. BUT. It's NOT the ones ppl seem to assume and Harder things DON'T actually require them#social justice#mental health#mental illness
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oh my queue paused again. anyways where is that one tweet thats like "sorry i accidentally ghosted you i was trying to k*ll myself" because i'm mentally posting it 200 times
#dis.txt#why does it keep doing that.... i can't tell if i keep accidentally clicking the pause button or if it's a custom site css thing??? eh...#w/e. anyways i tried a s*briety day n it did NOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT (<- hissing the word out) really work out lol#turns out i actually need something to shut my brain up and i keep forgetting this b/c i go ''oh i should try to be healthier!''#while ignoring The Circumstances. and it's like oh yeah i'm not just doing this for fun it legitimately helps me function. and live#very evil of my brain. doesn't stop when i take stuff i can just control/ignore it btw. so i'm not lying down for 2 hrs w/ my brain-#giving me flashbacks going ''do it NOW'' while i fail 2 get any sleep. literally had 2 get up and smoke just so i could pass out#*guy w/ P/TSD voice* i'm sure everything will be fine if i stop taking the stuff that allows me to control my mood/brain chemicals. right#anyways IM GOOD NOW i'm still physically sick and all that but i'm good 👍 fridge is still busted but it should be repaired soonish#mad because i wasted a whole day where i had shit i NEED to do and now i have to fuck up my sleep schedule and stay up.... waugh#(so fucking scared abt surgery still but what can you do abt that lmao)
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#when you catch yourself doing a compulsive tendency and you actually work on like. stopping yourself during it#and then when it passes and youre like. oh i havent been doing that thing. so you intentionally do it this one time#and you realize like. hey man why was i even doing this to begin with it like why was my brain so stuck in it#anyways i had a moment ^ and i wanted to test it and my brain did not immediately latch onto that tendency again so we are Free#the only other big one i can remember is when id check if the outside gate was locked. come inside and lock the door. and then repeat#and id do that like 6 times a night. until a week in i caught myself doing it and had to slowly force myself off it and it took like a month#this one was more. im checking this thing multiple times a day and i dont even want to but brain says i have to or i cant function#so i think that made it easier to catch it and ease myself off cause it was happening all day instead of just. a specific time of day#whatever man im free now (gracie abrams)#compulsive tendency free summer babyy we are so back im gonna live foreverrr (watch me develop a. new one....)
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#delete later#well thats two days in a row that ive had brain screaming. dunno what that means but its probably not good. its probably#intense stress from needles and work. and ive been having nightmares and grief dreams. so probably a combo of those#but its weird. as always it feels like its in the back top of my brain. just screaming and crying. while i feel pretty much fine.#its the oddest sensation. bc like obviously there isnt a part of my brain screaming and crying. and i cant like actually hear it hear it#it feels the same way as my thinking voice but far away and down a tunnel. really strange. and usually means im a combination#of distressed and upset and exhausted. which i guess i generally am rn even if im functioning pretty well. idk. its odd lol#also my centiscorch crochet project is pretty much completed and i lov him. he's nearly as long as i am tall. and beautiful. i gotta figure#out a way to get the tassels looking right but thats it. im making a charjabug bag next lol. bc i cannot stop making Pokémon bugs
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