#my life hasn't been the same since this came out. i'm changed permanently | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ashkevran · 8 days ago

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I got the call at about 8:45 pm; I'm going home. Not the home I share with Henry, Thaniel and Antonio, but the one that hasn't been a home to me for many years. I'm honestly not sure why I still feel any sort of obligation to my "family", but it's a truth that I just haven't ever been able to shake, no matter how much I wished to. I was 13 when I came out to my family and the news was not well received. To give you an idea of how it went down, there was a lot of screaming, crying, and recriminations leveled at me. It quickly devolved from there into outright denial. I would spend years insisting to anyone that would listen that I was not straight, and they would spend those same years denying my reality. I was forbidden from not just dating boys but even acknowledging that I might want to. And I did want to very much.

I spent most of my early teen years sneaking around and finding any chance I could to pursue the truth of my sexuality. I dated a lot, and every secret relationship felt like validation of my orientation. At 15, I was caught in making out in bed with my lifelong best friend and I was "asked" to leave the house. Permanently. I moved in with my older brother who was somewhat more accepting of me, but there were other flaws with that situation. We weren't close and it always confounded me that he allowed me to live with him. He made sure I always knew that I really owed him for allowing me to live with him.

In addition to kicking me out, my parents outed my best friend to his family, and he stopped speaking to me after that. I couldn't blame him for abandoning me; this was my fault after all. That didn't make it any easier to lose everyone I had ever loved.

By now, I had a lot of baggage and unchecked trauma from my years unwillingly living in the closet. I was finding it harder and harder to be in relationships, and ended up just jumping from person to person, never forming tight binds with anyone. I despaired of ever finding the kind of relationship I'd had with my best friend again. I was completely rudderless and floundering; I had no idea what to do with my life. It was about that time that I met someone that changed everything for me. That is a story for another time, but the relationship healed something in me, and even though it didn't last, I can still look back on it fondly. More than fondly, if I'm being honest. I don't think I'd be in the relationships I'm in now if I hadn't experienced that one. I have a lot to be thankful for these days.

When I got the call from home, I decided to return as asked, even though I owed them less than nothing. I don't know what it is that compels me to continue giving my family chances that I know they don't deserve, but here we are. I will be going home on my terms though and I won't be going alone. I plan to ask Henry to accompany me since neither of us has registered for school yet. I would happily take Thaniel and Antonio too, but they are both in the thick of classes, so it wouldn't be fair to ask them to drop everything for me. I know they would in a heartbeat, but I can't ask it of them. I was having a hard enough time gathering my courage to ask Henry to accompany me. I didn't know what was in store for us, how my family would treat us, or even how long we would be there.

My father was dying, and I had been asked to take care of the remaining estate planning. It should have been done years ago but had obviously been put off until the last moment. So, now they needed help and for some unknown reason they asked me. Daniel must have been too busy, and things must be bad there if they are asking me of all people to come home. That should have been my first clue that something was off.

That night, I explain the situation to everyone, and I ask henry if he's comfortable accompanying me. I make it clear that this is not going to be a pleasant trip. My parents are deeply homophobic, and I have little hope that they have changed since I last saw them. They certainly didn't bother acknowledging my existence until they needed me again. That spoke volumes to me of how "valuable" I had been to the people who were supposed to love and support me the most. Henry gravely listened to my request and silently hugged me once I had finished explaining the situation. "I hate this for you Andy. Really, truly hate this, but of course I'll go with you. There is no way I would send you into that lion's den alone. We'll get through this no matter what they throw at us. I know this won't be a comfortable trip for anyone. I'll be there for you, whatever you need." I couldn't possibly ask for more; I could face anything as long as I had Henry backing me.

We departed the next day for Willow Creek. My old home was exactly as I remembered, very white picket fence and a little bit Stepford. I hadn't realized just how much I was dreading this. It hit me full force as I walked up to the house I was ejected from so many years before, orphaning me from my former life. This place should feel like home, but I only felt a cold emptiness envelope me. My body rebelled and I took a step back; and suddenly Henry was there holding my hand and grounding me back in reality. I was no longer the hurt, lonely child I had been when I last left this place.

"We asked you to come alone", a voice startled me from the door. "You know we don't allow that sort of thing in this house." My sister eyed me with barely veiled disgust and moved to block the door. "He's not welcome." "Neither am I" I said, "but here we are anyway, so if you want my help, you'll keep a civil tongue in your mouth. Otherwise, I can go now, but I already know you wouldn't have called me if you could do this on your own. She looked ready to spit nails but kept silent and stepped aside to allow us entry to the house.

Stepping into the house felt like a time warp. Everything was the same as it had been the last time I was here and suddenly I was that kid again getting kicked out of the only home I'd ever known. I silently walked down the hall, tears streaming, heading towards my old room. It was long emptied of any trace that I had once lived there, and I think of everything, that hit me the hardest. I felt like I'd been erased from this family and in truth, I had been. "We'll take this room" Jenny shook her head at me "You can have this room; he can have the couch". I ignored her and began unpacking our bags. "No. We can talk once we've settled in here. Lunch time seems reasonable. Henry, is that ok for you?" He nodded to me in assent, pointedly ignoring my sister and making himself comfortable.

Jenny scowled darkly but shook her head as she decided on something. "Lunch is at 1, don't be late". She left us alone in the room and I deflated as I lowered myself onto the bed and cried. It seemed I'd be doing a lot of that while I was here. Henry silently wrapped his arms around me and comforted me with his warm presence. "It'll be ok" he said. "It's Not okay", I said. "We just arrived, and she's already made it clear that she's going to be hostile towards us. I don't care about me, I will deal with it, but it infuriates me when you are treated badly. I should never have asked you to endure this. I'm so sorry." He rested his head against my back and rocked me gently. "I've been treated worse", he said. "I'm here to support you and nothing they say will change that. Don't take on their guilt. You are not responsible for them and their prejudices. You are so much better than where you came from, don't forget that. We will get through this visit together. I promise you. Now, we should get settled in. We only have an hour until lunch, and I plan to have my way with you until then." And he did.

I don't know what I was expecting but the emaciated wraith of my father was not it. He looked like a walking corpse, and it was obvious he was not long for this world. I was honestly surprised to see him up and on his own two feet. He'd always been stubborn, but even I was impressed by the fortitude that had this man up and attending lunch as though he wasn't on death's door. "Shouldn't you be in bed?" I asked. "Why? Worried I'll kick it at the dinner table? Not likely." Still as snarky and disgruntled as ever, some things don't change. It was hard to believe this man could die, but the sallowness of his skin and extreme reediness of his body told a different story. "Not to be crass, but what exactly is wrong with you? When your wife called, she made it seem like your death was imminent and that time was imperative. "Come to watch me die, did you? Don't worry, I'm unlikely to disappoint you. And that's your mother you are talking about, show some respect". I laughed, actually laughed at that statement. "No, you disappointed me a long time ago. And she stopped being my mom when she stopped acting like one. Now, do you want to continue this argument, or will someone give me the details of your condition and why the hell I'm even here?" The silence spoke volumes. Something was definitely not right.

The Rasmus: Sky

In that moment, I truly felt free of them. Henry was right, they couldn't hurt me anymore. I was a grown man in a very happy relationship, and I wouldn't let anyone drag me down to their level. "Look, can we just get everyone together so we can have a talk now? I have a few things to say, and you will listen and agree to my terms, or I will walk out of this house and leave you to deal with this shit on your own. I owe you NOTHING. I do not have to be here, I'm honestly not even sure why I came. I guess I needed to be in this place to realize how far removed my life is from you now and how happy that makes me. I'm here to help, Gods only know why, but I'm absolutely done tolerating your bigotry. I had never seen my father look stunned before, but there it was, disbelief written on his face. I don't think he ever expected that I might have the gumption to speak to him like this. Now, I'll be waiting for you and the others in the living room so we can get this talk over with. Don't keep me waiting or you may find yourself on your own in this again.

"I'm sorry". I almost hadn't heard him.

I stood up from the table, appetite fled, and reached for Henry who had been completely silent through this diatribe. "I'm proud of you", he said and took my hand in his. We exited the kitchen for the less tumultuous energy of the den, where we waited for the others. When they finally arrived, they all looked a bit chastened. It was obvious they had been told to be on their best behavior, and neither my mother nor sister would meet my eyes. So, it would be like this. It was better this way, I had no intention of pulling any punches, so it was best if they were already resigned to listening and accepting my demands. "One of you needs to tell me what's going on now. You call me out of the blue and demand my presence, but no one can be bothered to give me the details or explain to me why I'm even needed here. I'm missing something here; it wasn't just about the estate, was it? Why did they specifically need me?

My mother abruptly spoke up, your grandfather left your father a hefty inheritance when he died, but it is only for his lifetime and the balance will not transfer to me or his heir, when he dies. When that happens, the balance of the estate transfers to you. All of it, except for a small stipend that was designated for myself and your sister, but we need you to sign some papers giving us access to that stipend. It is grossly unfair to your sister and I to be so abruptly made paupers. I snorted at the dramatics, but I was utterly stunned. "What about Daniel? Where does he figure into all of this? and why isn't he here for that matter?" I was suspicious now, as there was something they weren't telling me, I could feel it. "Daniel took you in years ago, and so he will automatically be given his inheritance when your father passes on." I was starting to suspect that my grandfather was a devious bastard of the best sort. He and Daniel had been the only family I'd had left after the fallout. It wasn't until years later after his death that I learned that my grandfather had arranged for Daniel's financial and physical accommodations in exchange for giving me a stable-ish home. I don't know why he chose to keep that a secret from me, I would have expressed my gratitude if I'd known, but maybe that was why it was kept quiet. He didn't enjoy being in the spotlight, even amongst family. Or maybe especially amongst family.

"So, let me get this right in my head, you need my signature, basically my permission, to continue to draw on grandfather's inheritance? That's an irony I did not expect when I woke up this morning." "Don't gloat", my mother scowled at me. That old man loved to torment us about you. He was furious when we kicked you out, but that was so unfair to us. We had no choice; you left us no choice." I stopped her coming rant with a pointed look. "I'll want to speak with the inheritance lawyer before I sign anything, as I can't trust you to give me the full story, but if what you have said is entirely true, I'll sign off and be out of your hair in a matter of days, IF you aren't hiding anything from me. So, get that meeting set up for me, the sooner the better. But before we adjourn this meeting, I have some ground rules for my stay. My mother actually huffed and looked utterly offended at that statement and I could not find it within myself to care.

This is my partner Henry, and you will treat him with the utmost respect, or I promise you, I will make you regret the day you called me. You will keep the rampant homophobia and the snide remarks to yourselves. It won't be tolerated. I hope to be out of here and back home before the week is out, so thankfully for all of us, this will be a short stay, and I don't expect we'll be keeping in touch. Every one of you has shown us one form of disrespect or another and we've only been here a few hours. Once this is over, I hope you will all lose my number. That's it. That's all I've got. The quiet exploded into a cacophony of sharp words and blatant denials, that I had no interest in hearing. "Just, let me know when you've set up the meeting with the lawyer. Henry and I are going to bed. Together.

The next day dawned quietly, and Henry and I lounged in bed a shade longer than was probably necessary. We were startled out of our shared reverie by a quick pounding on the bedroom door and a brusque "Breakfast". We glanced at one another and silently agreed it was time to crawl out of our pleasant cocoon. Breakfast was a fairly subdued ordeal. I think the others were too worried something offensive would fly from their mouths if they were to open them and so they chose the better part of valor and stayed silent. That was smart, as I was not in the mood to humor anyone even a little today. A meeting with the lawyer had been set for noon and it was clear from everyone's demeanor that they were worried. I wonder what they hadn't bothered to tell me, or purposely left out as was likely the case. I glanced at Henry and noted the ease at which he moved through the morning. Good, I thought to myself, I can't allow the hate being broadcast in his direction to actually reach him. The mere thought made me furious, and I guess it must have shown on my face because my parents were flinching back from me, and Henry was looking at me curiously. I schooled my emotions and got down to feeding myself as quickly as possible so we could return to the softness of the bed until it was time for the appointment.

Hours later, I lay on my back with Henry's tongue exploring my mouth languorously. I could almost forget where we were when was wiggling his tongue like that, almost. Another bang on the door brought us back to reality and Henry sat back on his heels and grinned at me. They Hate that I'm in here with you and it's giving me a perverse sort of joy, I'll have you know. I startled out a laugh and kissed him again before dragging myself out of bed and retrieving my clothes. I'm assuming that bang meant it was almost time for the appointment. The sooner we got this over with, the sooner we could go home and be free of this unwelcome purgatory.

Henry and I arrived at the lawyer's office hand in hand, much to the chagrin of my mother. We were admitted to his office shortly upon arrival and made ourselves comfortable. Well, we did anyways. My mother looked like she was both tasting something terrible and sitting on a particularly sharp thumbtack. My sister looked extremely nervous and rather ill. Curious that. The lawyer arrived and began to speak directly to me, ignoring my mother and sister with a directness that told me they had likely had a few run ins before today. The longer he spoke, the wider my mouth hung open. I was the heir. I WAS THE HEIR?!?! ME. Oh that must really rankle. But why? I was handed what appeared to be a letter on a fancy embossed letterhead that I recognized as my grandfathers and told to read it thoroughly and meet back here in an hour. My mother appeared to have been sucking on a particularly sour lemon, but she kept her mouth shut. I grabbed Henry's hand and pulled him with me into a nearby office, slamming the door shut behind me before anyone else could follow. "WTF HENRY, what just happened?" He nodded to the letter, "You should read it".

30 minutes later I was completely dazed and looking for the catch, there was a catch. There HAD to be. "Well?", asked Henry. "What's the verdict?" I shook my head stupidly, "He left everything to me, and I do mean everything. They have been living off the family stipend since my grandfather's death, but I get everything once my father passes. The stipend my mother referred to is voluntary on my part and rather small considering how they are obviously used to living. The one for my sister is even smaller and my grandfather requested that I not increase the amount he decided on. He was very particular in stating that he was against giving her anything at all, but he had been advised to give her a small amount too, so that it would just look like sour grapes if she decided to contest it. I told you that, after I was kicked out, my parent's outed my friend to his family; well, apparently, she started a whole campaign against him at school and made the rest of his life at high school a living hell. He eventually came to my grandfather and asked for his help in reigning her in, but it was too late. The Willowbrook community had been turned against him, and he had to move away to escape it. That evil little bitch ruined his life and for what??? Loving me.

I think I know what I'm going to do. I nodded to Henry, and we returned to the waiting room. It was almost time to see the lawyer again. I had a feeling after this, we would need to retrieve our possessions and leave my parents' house immediately. I was not going to be popular with them very shortly. "Mr. Baker, your family and I are ready to continue this meeting if you have reviewed the letter?" "Yes, we have some things to discuss as I'm sure you are aware." I seated myself and proceeded to outline my plans for the stipends in question. My mother and sister both paled considerably as I spoke. "For my mother and sister's stipends, I have a few conditions I'd like to apply. First, each pay cycle, 10% of each stipend will be garnished and that amount will be donated to a lgbtq charity that I will be designating. I have a few in mind, and I may want to set it up to cycle through a couple of different charities if that is doable." "Quite doable" stated the lawyer as both my mother and sister seethed in a palpable rage. Second, this condition will apply to my sister's stipend. In order to collect anything, she must first publicly apologize to the Davison family, and Kai in particular for essentially running him out of town years ago. That must have been a huge financial hardship for him, particularly knowing that his family had never been particularly well off. In addition, another 10% of her stipend will go to Kai for 10 years." At that proclamation, Jenny exploded into a white-hot rage. "You stupid, motherfu…" "Finish that sentence and I'll cut you off cleanly right now." She abruptly collapsed in on herself and dissolved into tears. I shook my head in disbelief. She was still getting more money each week than most people would see in a month. I was concerned that it was not enough of a lesson, and I tacked on one more condition. Finally, if I hear of you or anyone else in the family using a homophobic slur or harassing someone for their sexuality ever again, you will be immediately and permanently disinherited. With that, we left the office with the promise to return the following day to sign the newly drawn up conditions.

Henry and I returned to our room and packed our bags before leaving the house without another word. Everyone was coldly furious with us, but I couldn't find it within myself to be even slightly bothered. We would spend the night at a hotel and be better off for it. We should have done that in the first place, but hindsight is 20/20. After checking in to the hotel and unpacking our things again, Henry grasped me from behind and kissed my cheek. "I'm so proud of you; you did the right thing today and people like us will benefit because of it. I hope your friend Kai is doing well, and the money helps him recover in some way." "I hope so too. He didn't deserve any of that". "Neither did you, Andy." He said softly. "Neither did you."

#sims 4 #sims 4 stories #ts4 #simblr #ts4 simblr

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the-firebird69 · 5 months ago

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I can't believe how stupid you are Sherry and Stan the screaming howling idiot ruined your whole realm you guys are all going down all of you because this idiot Trump granted you can't stop him and I have trouble stopping him but wow you're encouraging it how wonderful you see him stuck to you right you see you guys dying and getting killed by this low life Street person how glorious you are since westborough how wonderful of a change

Zues Hera isn't it funny Missy ellman how low you've gone from what you were and that was pretty low but now you're nobody getting killed from this idiot that you have do stuff and trust invited into your business what a big mistake

The clans were not doing that to you and they had work and stuff now you sit there and stick it to my son cuz you're an idiot you'd say what's wrong with you but it's obvious you're a fool this guy stand as a massive fool we can't stand you people just holding me in the house I ended up kicking the s*** out of Lily so now she's driven and she's also dying from cancer in her brain in her face from her attacking me she's going to be gone soon she's a complete idiot and frontal lobe doesn't work and you two are going to die too permanently in the movie Star wars shortly because what you're doing is idiocy a little child wouldn't do this it's so dumb and hilarious I mean you just simply came out and you made a deal with this f****** low life now you're nobody

Hera

We can't keep doing it now we have to we probably shouldn't have done it we don't really have to but boy he's a sticky little piece of s*** that Trump and more sticky than anybody ever dreamed of and her friends right he's massively massively sticky and wrong and screwing us over he's screwing himself already it's a piece of garbage we did the wrong thing and we keep doing it and we probably will proceed and do during the wrong thing and he knows it and that's a friend here and he's taking over using it he's going to sit next door and take over because we're massively offensive people to him that's true we are it's kind of laughing at us all the time cuz we don't act you and reacting very dumb I'm forced into it but I had it happen so it doesn't really do much. And Tommy F you're fired that's ridiculous you're trying to ensnare instead of getting him some funding what you should and yeah people are firing you from FEMA they're pushing you out and they're getting Trump out and they should I can't believe how stupid this s*** is with you too idiots and you owe him send some money

Stan

We're going after all of them for stuff but Stan and Sherry thier time is coming pretty fast. They're not in many movies you don't see them all over the place and Ben is Obi-Wan Kenobi but yeah you see Obi-Wan Kenobi and it's Stan and he's not burned you know why it's really Dave and his wife and the big tall guy okay they're bringing somebody the brain survived and they go inside demons and yeah the end of dead but so you're wondering about stan. Tommy F gets killed by Jason. Permanently. You know you're really stupid people and you shouldn't be doing this but it's what you're doing. Jason survives the explosion in his piece of s*** s*** and he dies and starcraft or Warhammer same thing and it's killed by his own wife sister and they're so f****** dumb for 2000 300 you willing to die Tamia Tommy F and we're going to kill you for it so you're sitting there thinking because it's stupid but it's going to happen. You're so cheap you f****** retard now we're going to come down on you hard and get you out of there and have someone reverse it he requested money cuz he has to pay for it and stuff and he needs it and you're saying no cuz you're a f****** idiot and the stuff hasn't been billed yet how can you come up with the building so we're going after you he spent all the temporary money so it's the same landlord so what you want to use against them you're dead

Thor Freya

We're actually all saying it and we're fed up with all of you now and it's the last straw you can see you dying but we're going to help out

Olympus

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angelic-serenade · 5 years ago

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Alastor + disaster cook! S/O

headcanons

✧༝┉┉┉┉┉˚*❋ ❋ ❋*˚┉┉┉┉┉༝✧

gif, original work and characters do not belong to me

you could not cook to save your life

any attempt at cooking would result in certain failure in the best case scenario and 5.4 magnitude earthquake damage in the worst

sure, you could make edible pasta and if you really put your best efforts into it, acceptable omelette too

but anything past that level of complexity was simply out of your league, a lost cause to put it mildly

don't you even think about making a cake, that shit's dangerous

as they say: as above so below

when you landed in Hell and found yourself joining the Happy Hotel soon after, you came to find out your culinary skills had not magically improved

which is quite ironic since Charlie had made you head chef of the hotel

the string of curses which had left your lips upon hearing the news had been legendary, even for Hell

you adored the demon princess with your whole heart (or whatever was left of it anyway), bUT REALLY CHARLIE? YOU DO NOT GIVE A GUN TO A CHILD AND EXPECT CASUALTIES NOT TO HAPPEN

at this point you were certain she was subconsciously auto-sabotaging

either way, you didn't have the heart to tell her no, so you decided to put your heart and soul into trying to learn how to properly cook, which didn't turn out to be the ideal choice of words since you were in Hell and your soul was probably rotten to the core

at least, nobody could say you hadn't tried your damn best

and hey! some days your cooking hadn't even been completely sickening

you decided to stick to easy, “safe” dishes though, you know, just to be sure

so pasta and eggs were definitely a thing

a constant and repetitive thing to be precise

you were trying your best, okay? nobody in your place with your limited set of skills would have taken the job, but you did and you deserved recognition for that feat alone

or a fucking donkey hat for your skyrocketing dumbness levels

things were not so bad at first

both Charlie and Vaggie were very supportive, each one of them in their own way - even though you had totally seen Charlie trying to swallow pure unadulterated fear that one time you had announced you wanted to try to cook something more elaborate

Angel Dust on the other hand... hadn't been as considerate as to lie to your face about what he thought of your cooking

"fuck me doll, this shit's disgusting"

*insert the I don't have friends they disappoint me vine here*

Vaggie had proceeded to give Angel quite the earful while Charlie tried her best to cheer you up

you went full hermit mode on them for two days after that

you were proud of yourself, handling criticism so well

anyway, the cycle kept repeating, with the only difference that most days Angel would grab something to eat outside of the hotel and join you during meals only to blankly stare at the plates and silvery

Charlie had tried to shield you from the truth, but you weren't that stupid

you respected Angel's choice, really, you did, and you had decided to be the bigger person among the two

that's why you began to put a lil bit of laxative into his portions whenever he decided to grace your efforts and actually eat your "disgusting cooking"

y’know just to spicy things up a little

at least now he had a valid reason to complain

with the whole fiasco on live TV and the sudden and suspicious appearence of the one and only Radio Demon at your doorstep, however, things started going haywire

Alastor's presence was eeirly demanding and unsettlingly charmimg at the same time

so it was only natural for you to gravitate the fuck away from him whenever you could

you always acted politely, greeting him whenever you bumped into him through the corridors of the hotel, but you only went as far as to appear courteous because you didn't want for him to go Hannibal Lecter on you. thanks, no thanks

“and what can you do my feminine fellow?”

“I can suck your dick!”

you had snorted a bit at that which immediately shifted the strawberry pimp's attention to yourself

“and what about you, pretty dame? I take it you're in charge of the kitchens around here?”

dressed in your chef attire, you were going to meekly answer him, but before you could, roaring laughter erupted in the room. it belonged to the one and only slutty spider you found oh so irritating

in the fraction of seconds, Alastor snapped his neck at an unnatural angle to stare at the spider with a strained smile on his face

needless to say, the cursed image would forever haunt your traumatized psyche

“hasn't your mother taught you it is rude to interrupt a conversation which you have no part in? that just won't do!”

static filled the air and you feared you were going to implode if the heavy pressure didn't lift off soon enough, so you decided to take action

“ugh... yes, I'm the head chef! but, well, I... could actually use some practice and proper training?”

you hated how uncertain you sounded, but Angel's comments and your own dissatisfaction with your culinary products made you quite self-conscious about your skills

“don't fret your pretty little head about it, my dear! I, for one, am a culinary connaisseur and wonderful chef, if I do say so myself. I'll be ecstatic to guide you through your training!”

how you'd be able to handle his booming voice during hours and hours of practice was your first and main concern, but you had never been one to refuse the chance to finally prove the people who had criticized you wrong *cough cough* Angel Dust

since that day, Alastor began to personally give you cooking lessons

he was exuberant and pretty sly when it came to veiled jabs about your dreadful cooking, but he really took his time to help you out

which you had been both grateful and suspicious about

“now, we can't have our future patrons starving to death, can we?”

he was strangely patient and an overall good teacher too (emphasis on overall)

he guided you step by step through each dish, simultaneously showing off his own flawless culinary skills

you hated that you daily found yourself boosting his already GIGANTIC ego, but you couldn't help it. you could only dream about reaching that level of artistry in cooking

he always came up with creative recipes to test your limits and cooked for you in order to make you more familiar with different tastes. his mother’s were your favorites, jambalaya being his one true specialty

he had blindfolded you once and proceeded to present you with various samples of spices, oilments and all kinds of food so that you could acquaint yourself with the smells and flavors of the ingredients and figure out yourself which ones would best suit a certain dish

saying you were hesitant at first was an understatement, because you know? being completely at the mercy of a sadistic serial killer who had terrorized the seven circles of hell? not even being able to see him? not on your bucket list

he had tried to ease your nervousness with the whole “if I wanted to hurt anyone here, I would have done so already” thing, but it was getting kind of old pretty fast

“if I had been one to play with fire, I'd have joined a circus”

he found your sense of humor as endearing your sheer presence

(when he rolled up his sleeves to cook, you felt like you could catch fire any minute, you were a slut for strong skinny arms)

yes, Alastor had always loved to show off his own impeccable skills but he unexpectedly found himself enjoying the moments spent in your company too

he relished in seeing you fail again and again, but he also admired the way you always managed to bring yourself back up to your feet each time

he had yet to fully understand if it was foolishness or stubbornness to guide your steps

either way, you turned out to be his favorite form of entertainment in the hotel!

no matter how many slights would he send your way, you'd always manage to find an appropriate remark that made his permanent smile stretch a little more in sheer amusement

“oh dear, this beef is so undercooked one could still hear the poor beast’s lament”

“the only noise I hear is the obnoxious ramblings of an arrogant boomer”

he wasn't technically a boomer but it was always so satisfying to irk him with terms he had no knowledge of

during your cooking lessons, when the only thing left to do with a dish was wait and pray for the best, you'd come to talk about everything and anything

he'd talk to you about his precious New Orleans as he remembered it and you'd fill him in on recent historical/social developments of your time

he always looked so taken when you shared with him that modern knowledge and it made you feel useful for a change

it was, dare you say it, almost adorable how he'd ask you countless questions about your home town, the catastrophes of the last century and had there been any other war since his death?

the topic switches almost made you dizzy though

once or twice, when the timing allowed, he'd even indulge in a musical show to pass time

on the days your mood soured because of a particularly complicated recipe or bad result, he'd drag you along and dance until you were so distracted by the absurdness of the circumstances that you forgot about your previous sadness

with time, his musical shows became more frequent as he realized you'd always offer him a genuine smile after his flashy performances

it was out of personal indulgence, not because he liked the way his music always seemed to cheer you up

he'd not been vocal about the way he tried to comfort you, but you were grateful nonetheless

the first time you managed to succesfully complete one of his complicated recipes, you had almost cried

“now, now deary, under my watchful eye, it was only a matter of time until you'd finally blossom into a fine cook!”

“Alastor can I... can I hug you?”

and how could he say no to such an adorable expression? he found himself stunned into silence, not being able to tell you yes either, therefore you slowly came closer as if trying not to scare a wild animal away

when Alastor passively stood before you, not moving away, you wrapped your arms around him

he really was such a dorky noodle

he didn't relax into the hug, but he kept still as you relished in the moment and let the pressure you had hoarded for months now loose

Alastor proceeded to show off your dish during dinner and even Angel Dust could do nothing but shut up and dig in

The all powerful Radio Demon was simply so proud of your progress - not that he doubted you'd prevail in the end, thanks to his expertise and guidance

from that moment onward things only got better and even if you didn't necessarily need Alastor's help anymore, neither of you ever mentioned going your separate ways

you were both secretly glad for the silent agreement

friendly banter and dad jokes were a daily occurrence and with your new-found confidence in the field, you'd always bite back showing off new delicious dishes instead than words

you still had trouble every now and then, but Alastor was always there to help you out

not that you'd ever hear the end of it if you actually asked him for help

“what was that, my darling? is the mightiest chef in Hell having trouble in Paradise?”

you had noticed however that he'd started sneaking glances your way more than usual lately and he also started following you around wherever you went in the hotel. he became your shadow both inside and outside of the kitchen

the attention soon became unnerving, even more so when you'd go in the kitchen only find a different flower on the counter each morning

you came to realize that Alastor's advances were rather old fashioned, but you would amuse the dork and yourself for a while before taking charge

gifts became an ordinary occurrence as well as praise and you preferred not to think about what praise could do to you when it came from Alastor

he enjoyed your reactions to his flattering words a little too much, he had to admit

you had had enough of his childish antics one day and you decided to finally put your plan into action

“Al, can you come here for one sec?”

he wasn't particularly fond of the nickname, but you just loved to get under his skin as much as he did when it came to you

“what can I do for you, my darling chef?”

“here, I have a gift for you”

he looked uncharacteristically unsure of what to do but slightly amused as well. in the end curiosity took the best of him and he finally decided to open the box you had handed to him rather unceremoniously

“what is this dear?”

the apron you had chosen was a perfect fit for your long boi

“read it, please”

“kiss the cook? well, if you ask me so nicely, I just might have to”

he then proceeded to peck your cheek and you swore you could have fainted right there and then by the sheer sweetness of the gesture

it hadn't exactly been what you had planned, but you weren't going to complain

your relationship was bound to be full of surprises apparently

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barnesandrogersfanfics · 5 years ago

Text

Ocean Eyes - Part 10

A/N- Another update??? What is going on??! hope you all enjoy this part 💕 Please like/share/reblog.

Within days of being back home from our weekend at Chris's the lockdown was announced and I spent a day packing up some of mine and Masons belongings that we might need while staying with Chris. While i was feeling very nervous about having to spend this time with Chris, Mason was over the moon! He was so excited that we had to go stay with Chris and Dodger.

Chris arrived early with Scott and they loaded our things into Chris's car.

"This is gonna be so much fun!" Scott said happily.

"Are you staying at Chris's too?"

"I am!"

"Oh god that means you're gonna be trying to get me drunk!"

"Well duh!" He laughed shrugging like it should have been a given.

"God help me you two are gonna be trouble" Chris said shaking his head as he helped Mason into his carseat.

"You knew what you were getting yourself into".

While Chris and Scott started bickering i turned and saw Brian coming out of his house, he stood and watched us and then started to walk towards us.

"Oh shit.... quick lets go, Brians coming over!"

"This guy!" Chris said through gritted teeth shaking his head and looking a little pissed off.

"Morning neighbour!" Brian called out, i turned and gave a quick wave.

"You and Mason leaving?"

"Yep, we're gonna ride this out with family" i nodded and felt Chris wrap his arm around my waist and pull me closer to him.

"Come on sweetheart we should go"

"Yeah sure, take care Brian"

"Wait, you look so familiar...." Brian suddenly said looking more closely at Chris "where have i seen you before?"

"I just have one of those faces, i get that a lot" Chris shrugged casually opening my door for me.

"Yeah maybe..... hey Y/N, i was thinking after this lockdown is over maybe you and i can get dinner...."

Was he serious right now??

"Dude really??!....." Chris snapped looking at Brian shaking his head.

"What?"

Chris closed my door and stood towering over Brian as they exchanged words i could no longer hear. Chris was soon strutting round to the driver side of the car while Brian stood there looking pissed. I turned to look at Chris as he got into the car, he was fuming. He started the car and pulled away onto the road, his grip on the steering wheel so tight his knuckles went white.

"Hey, you okay?" I asked him quietly.

"I will be knowing you and Mason are away from that creep"

"What did you say to him?"

"We'll talk about it later, i don't want Mace to hear"

"Okay, but can you please try and calm down....."

"Im Fine"

"Tell your face that, plus you're kinda white knuckling the steering wheel there....."

"Sorry.... sorry. Im fine really...." he loosened his grip and gave me a tight lipped smile.

"Always so protective" Scott chuckled from the back seat earning him a glare in the rear view mirror.

"Scott i swear to god...."

"Come on boys behave, this lockdown hasn't even started yet and you're bickering"

"You sure you don't wanna go stay with Ma....." Chris muttered at Scott making us all laugh.

The first week of lockdown quickly passed, there was no news on when the lockdown would let up so we were all just enjoying our time together.....It was just like old times. I called my mom and Hannah everyday just to check in and have some female conversation but other than that it was just me and the Evan's boys in our little quarantine bubble.

I was in the kitchen making breakfast when Chris walked in sporting a new haircut..... the buzzcut was back!

"Wow...... you've shaved your hair...."

"Yeah" he run his hand over his head blushing a little "fancied a change, its been a long time since i can just cut my hair when i want"

"Right, Marvel owned it before"

"No...."

"You know i'm right" i shrugged "i always did like the buzzcut look though"

"Yeah i remember....." he smirked.

"Morning family!" Scott said loudly walking into the kitchen "What happened to your hair??"

"Fancied a change, plus now i haven't gotta worry about my hair everyday"

"You know that actually sounds kinda smart..... have you seen my bed head??"

"Kinda hard to miss Scotty" i snickered behind my hand looking at his hair that was sticking up left, right and centre.

"Maybe i should do it too"

"And me!" Mason said smiling big at us "i want hair like dads too!"

"Oh my god Chris what have you started..."

"Sorry...."

"No its fine, its only hair. It'll grow back right.... i guess now is as good a time as any for a haircut".

After breakfast Chris took Mason for his hair cut while i showered and dressed for the day. The next time i saw them all three were sporting buzzcuts and i had to admit it was very cute!

"Let me get a photo of you three, this is just too cute to pass up" i smiled grabbing my phone. I snapped a few photo's and forwarded them to Chris and Scott before setting one as my lock screen and slipping my phone back into my pocket.

"Oh my god i love this.... i'm gonna get this blown up and framed on my wall" Chris smiled looking at the photo.

"Let me get one of you three" Scott jumped up and pulled me towards the sofa where Chris and Mason still sat.

"Oh.... we dont have to do that....."

"Come on, it'll be nice to have at least one photo of the three of us" Chris said looking up at me with those damn ocean eyes of his that always made me week.

"Okay, sure" i nodded taking the seat next to Mason.

"Move in a bit closer....." Scott said trying to get us all in frame, we both leaned in closer to Mason and smiled while Scott took the photo.

"Oh i'm good..... this is great you guys" Scott said before both our phones were receiving photo's from Scott. I couldn't help the smile on my face when i saw how lovely the photo had come out.

"Okay you did good, i love this"

"This ones going up too by the way" Chris looked at me with a huge smile.

"You don't have to do that...."

"You kidding me? I want to"

"Fair enough, its your house. I just don't think your girlfriend will appreciate it much".

"Okay..... who wants lunch??" Scott asked loudly interrupting, it had suddenly got a bit awkward at the mention of Lindsey so i just got up quickly and followed Scott into the kitchen.

Once Mason was in bed for the night the alcohol came out. We watched some old movie (that Chris found hilarious) played some card games which somehow led to childish drinking games and before we knew it we were all pretty wasted!

"Right you guys i'm going to bed, i physically can not drink anymore" Scott said getting to his feet and stumbling making Chris and I laugh.

"Dude you're such a lightweight" Chris rolled his eyes at his brother.

"Shut up. Goodnight.... love you both"

"Night Scotty, love you" i smiled up at him from where i was laying on sofa.

"Night bro, love ya".

Chris and I sat in silence for a few minutes, just the sounds on the TV playing in the background.

"You want another beer?" He asked getting up from the armchair he had been occupying all night.

"Sure, i'll have one more before bed".

While Chris went to grab the beers i sat and reached for my phone to make sure i hadn't missed any messages from my mom or Hannah. There was a photo from Hannah that made me laugh just as Chris walked back in with the beers.

"Hannah just sent me this photo..." i said to him turning my phone to show him a photo of Lucas who now had a buzzcut.

"Haha! Oh god i really started something didn't i?" He laughed looking a bit guilty.

"I sent her a photo of Mason's new haircut earlier, she said Lucas wouldn't shut up about wanting the same.... looks like he got his way"

"You gotta admit it looks cute though?"

"Yeah okay i'll give you that. Mason is like your little mini me, even more so than usual"

"He’s just missing the beard"

"I think we've still got some time until that happens" i laughed "you definitely have strong genes Evans.....that boy literally inherited none of my looks"

"No but he's got your attitude and sass"

"Hey!"

"Im kidding.... mostly"

"Ass" i muttered shaking my head at him before taking a mouthful of my beer.

"He might look like me but his personality is all you sweetheart... he's an amazing kid"

"Yeah he is, id be lost without him"

"I kinda love having you both here" Chris added avoiding eye contact with me.

"Its been nice, just remember its not permanent...."

"I know, i know" he nodded quickly "you know when i came in and saw you laughing at your phone, my first thought was that it might've been Derek.... i hate that guy and i don't even know him" he scoffed "how sad is that?"

"Chris....."

"I know, its none of my business who you date or whatever"

"You're right it is none of your business. But just for the record, there's nothing going on with Derek, we were gonna go for dinner before this lockdown stuff but i haven't spoken to him since"

"Oh...."

"Can i ask you something?" I turned to face him, he looked up and nodded finally looking at me.

"Why isn't Lindsey here?"

"What?...."

"Why isn't Lindsey staying with you? I mean you guys are obviously serious if you came looking for that divorce but she isn't here....."

Chris looked away again coughing to clear his throat.... was he nervous??

"Lindsey isn't here because i ended it"

"What?... when?"

"When i found out i had a son. When i saw you again and realised anything i thought i felt for her was a lie"

"Are you fucking with me right now?"

"No. Im just being honest. Y/N, i know i fucked up when i ended things with us.... it was the biggest mistake of my life and i regret it everyday.... but i never stopped loving you. Not for one god damn second...."

I suddenly felt very sober, my heart pounding in my chest.

“You’re just saying this because you’ve had too much to drink...” i muttered shaking my head.

“You’re probably right, doesn’t mean its not true. Ive just been keeping it to myself” Chris suddenly got up and came to sit next me taking hold of my hand “i know my timings sucks but i just needed you to know..... and i just need to know if there is any chance at all that you’d give me another chance.....”

“Chris i really don’t think now is a good time to talk about this.... we’ve both had too much to drink..... if you’re serious about this i think we need to have this conversation sober”

“But you’re willing to have that conversation?”

“We’ll talk about it tomorrow” i nodded pulling my hand free and standing up “i’m gonna go to bed.... goodnight”.

I had to put some distance between us before i did something id regret in the morning.

It was safe to say i wouldn’t be getting much sleep tonight.

Everything taglist: @jesseswartzwelder @dumblani @barnesandrogersworld @patzammit @rynabarnesrogers-reading @rainbowkisses31 @rororo06 @supernaturalwintersoldier @fairlightswiftly @hiddelstannerbarnes

Ocean eyes: @supraveng @michelehansel @melissaglenn5 @denisemarieangelina

@mrsjeffwittek @mery-be @marvelfansworld @cmalass @capstopavenger @fallenoutofrose @kelbabyblue @biebsmylife95 @loser-alert @traceyaudette @w3lissax @jennmurawski13 @ford66steal @saiyanprincessswanie @christocrave

@jakiki94 @torntaltos @buchanansebba

#chris evans #chris evans x reader #reader insert #ocean eyes #steve rogers x reader

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vanchlo · 4 years ago

Text

The Partner / Chapter Fourteen, "The Ten"

Word Count: 5.9k words / Story Masterlist / Read The Assistant / Read on Wattpad / Warning: Sensitive and upsetting topics

I wasn't sure what had brought me here. It had felt like yesterday since I'd shut this door last, even if weeks had passed since. I'd never been able to shut it on that day and I knew that I wouldn't be able to, not fully.

"Babe! Are you ready to go? We're going to be late for the meeting," a voice calls from down below. Gulping hard, my heart stays stuck in my throat at the sight before me. It hadn't been the only one this morning that was hard to swallow.

"Coming!" The upstairs guest bedroom door closes behind me. I can't help but look at it over my shoulder, still unsure of why I had come up here. "We're not going to be late, Harry! When was it that you started to become so anal about being early?"

Stopping at the bottom of the stairs, he doesn't attempt to hide the way his eyes roll at my remark. They finally settle on me, registering my eyebrow raise I challenge him with.

"Since you take fricken forever to get ready in the mornings, and the boss needs to be early," he tuts, nodding his head towards the front door. I hadn't noticed before how he holds it open, but now, the spring sunshine is unmistakable. "Come on already. I put our stuff in the car while you were dilly dallying upstairs. What were you doing up there anyways? It took me a few times to get your attention."

We'd long ago passed the time of saying 'thank you's for holding doors open, but habit aside, I still say it. Pulling the seatbelt across my chest, I ruminate on his question as he messes with the radio beside me. I'd become a master at being able to tell when his eyes were on me, and right now was no exception, because when I glance over at him, he's doing just that. The words hesitated on my tongue because at times I still found it hard to talk to him about her. We shared her and the grief around her. There was nobody else in this world who could know how I felt about her besides him, but the struggle persisted.

Avoiding his eyes had been my go-to when I didn't want to answer him. I did it now but it didn't serve me well, because of what I find instead. It seemed that nearly every time my eyes came upon it, it was impossible to not trace the curves of ink. It had lived on the inside of my wrist for over two weeks now and I still hadn't gotten used to it. When I thought that way, I realize I was never one to get used to things. My mother's abuse. Harry's coldness towards me in the beginning, only to be changed into sporadic softness. Then we became friends and something more, and it was hard to wrap my head around. He got hurt and I almost lost him, and it was something I still couldn't believe. It was a recurring theme in my life, especially as of late.

The permanence on my skin is interrupted by the soft edges and lines of his hand. A relief is kissed onto my skin when his fingers lace with mine, his thumb paying attention to the capital letter P in his handwriting on my skin. I don't know what does it but suddenly, I'm looking at the melancholy lifting his lips.

"I don't know but I wanted to look at her things in the nur- guest bedroom. The sonograms and clothes . . to remember that she was real and ours when . . when today I feel like I need to pretend that she wasn't," the words tumble from my lips as my throat feels tight with remembering. "I miss her."

"I miss her too," Harry says with a softness saved for times like these, which seemed to be quite often lately. It speaks louder when his lips press a kiss to the top of my hand. "But we don't have to act as if she never happened, Becks."

"I want to though. Not to act like- I'm just not ready to talk about her with people at work yet. It's almost been two months and I feel like I should be ready by now."

Repeating in and out inside of my head didn't help to steady the breaths trying to swim into my lungs. What did succeed was letting myself live in the unending sage color of his eyes, wondering what the flecks of gold would feel like if I swam in them.

"That's okay too, honey. People know not to ask and I said not to. It's more so something that you bring up yourself if you want to," he murmurs, thumbing at the escapist tear that got through my guard. "Are you sure you don't want to stay home another day? I can work from home whenever I want, you know."

"I'm sure," he had barely put a period to his words and I was insisting. His nod was fast but I could read the hesitancy in it. I tried to push it out of my mind as the car began to move, my thumb occupied by the same traces of ink on the inside of his right wrist, a P in my handwriting.

It wasn't how I thought I'd be living my life today, carrying the memory of my daughter in my heart and on the inside of my wrist, instead of in my arms in a few months.

I had thought at once that it was a sight for sore eyes, but now I couldn't be more sure that it wasn't. Still, I wasn't certain how I felt about it now. Seeing it had brought forth a nostalgia I yearned for, wanting to go back to a time where we were so naive and unknowing of what the future held for us. It also dug up a pain that could be unfathomable, because I knew how different things were the last time I stood outside his office door, looking in. Our happiness had been unmatched and upon realizing that, I felt my throat grow dry.

He looked more handsome than ever with the short beard he'd come to keep, one that swims into view upon turning around. I'd been caught.

"Hi, bug," Harry says, a smile making the dimples dive into his cheeks. It was small but it brought a glow to his face that I'd missed. "Are you heading out?"

Nodding was all that I could do as I stepped foot in his office. Even if it wasn't the first time today it still stung. Everything I missed was what I thought of when I stood in here. It was the framed sonogram missing beside his desktop, the space behind the guest chairs where I'd showed him the pregnancy test, and on the couch where we spelled out potential names with Scrabble tiles. That was only the beginning of what stabbed at me like knives, even if things had gotten better. It had only been two weeks since we'd started to talk and I had come to feel so much better, almost like myself again. I wasn't sure if I'd admit it but he was right. I'd come back to work too soon and it had been too much. I couldn't decide when I would tell him that I had cried in the bathroom twice today because of it all. He'd wonder when that had happened since I had been at his side all day helping him start on his new case, but I'd thought about her all throughout. I hadn't known that coming back here would stir up so many thoughts about her. How could I?

"Becks?"

"Y-Yeah, soon," I belatedly answer, grateful for his bookshelf in front of me. I know that he knows the truth, but it could seem as if I was lost in reading his titles, instead of consumed by my thoughts. No, Harry was smarter than that. He knew that I had perused his bookshelf more times than fingers I had on one hand, more than one normal person would. "You're sure it's okay that I take the car?"

"Of course. I'll just catch a ride with Myles. We still have a few things to go over anyways. We're not sure if we're sold on that one guy for the new hire or not, so we have to figure out what to do."

I couldn't find it in me to make a comment. Today had taken so much more from me than I had anticipated. I knew that there would be awkward interactions and maybe the curious looks. I didn't know that the team meeting right off the bat would let everybody stare at me to their heart's content, and let me catch them in the act.

"How was today?" his voice comes, interrupting my thoughts. I had come to welcome it, knowing how it broke up my mental web of danger. He had to have known too. "Rate it."

A title catches my eye, replacing the Pain-O-Meter we'd come to adopt since it'd happened. Plucking the book off the shelf, I flip it open to find the familiar title page and a message written in black ink. I'd have a good shot at reciting it without needing it before me even as the words came to blur before my eyes.

"Pass," I mumbled, daring the tear at my nose to fall onto the paper. Brushing it away before it can, I let the words in front of me swim through my mind yet another time.

March 2024

Harry,

I couldn't count how many times I've heard you speak of this case and all that it's taught you, even inspiring you to become a lawyer, you once said. I guess maybe I should have kept it for myself seeing as how you know next to everything about it, but maybe you won't know some of this 'never before seen' stuff. I call dibs on being the first one to borrow it from you, seeing as how it's a new release. I hope that one day we can bring justice and right a wrong like seen in this landmark case. Book aside, I couldn't ever find the words to tell you how grateful I am for you and even though it hasn't been a month yet, how much I love you, Harry. If there's a God, I'll be thanking them forever for bringing me back to you and to your firm to work beside you, and to fall in love with you all over again. I can't wait to hear you talk so passionately about this case and all of the others you look up to when we have our nightly goodnight call. I'll try not to fall asleep the next time.

Love,

Your Becks xo

"Becks?" There had been a time when I'd hated that name and how he'd mistreated it. It wasn't long after that I'd missed it deeply and wished to hear it despite being scared to. "There's no passes."

"Since when? Why can't I just for one time not have to rate my pain, Harry," I almost retort, my chest heaving when I turn to face him. His face remains stoic, that is if you were anybody but the few people who could read his face right now. The shock is clear as day and brings my hands to my mouth. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to explode on you."

"It's okay," he assures me, stepping forward. His hand on my wrist is ginger and reassuring. "What one have you got there? Ah, the good old Glensheen murder. One of my favorite cases."

There hadn't been many times anymore that I couldn't unravel the emotions hiding on his face. Except for now, he locked it up good as he thumbed at the page, nostalgia lifting his lips into his cheeks. It made the sting louder inside of me as his mouth relaxed into its former line, a wetness clinging to his eyes.

"I'd started to think about how I'd tell our kids how I became a lawyer and it always started with this case here," unlike before, a dullness lept into the curling of his lips, a smile dipped in sour memories. "I thought of it with P, telling her how Daddy became a lawyer because of Glensheen . . but I can't do that anymore. It's too hard to think about."

A hastiness filled my actions, first with my hand on his forearm. The velvet button down he'd picked for today felt like butter beneath my fingers, but it was the only easy part about this. No, the wetness spilling onto his cheeks only made it harder and so did prying the book from his hands. It wasn't any smoother looking into his eyes as mine welled with what filled his.

"I'll rate today if you will," my gentle words came, volumes different from mine that had come before.

"Eight and a half," Harry said dryly, clearing his throat afterward. I knew how he craved a glass of water to soothe the cracks in his throat. If only it could do the same to the heart.

"That's your first eight in a week and a half," I note aloud and his acknowledgement is absent. That is unless you count his eyes falling away from mine, focused on dragging his finger along the letter on my wrist as if he could do it forever.

"What's yours?" his question is quiet, but I could hear his voice in the loudest of darks. It was what had dragged me out of my lowest of lows, afterall.

"Nine . . and a half."

It was my turn to stare at my hands and avoid the gaze of the other. I could feel his as I tried to swallow past the heart shaped ball in my throat, trying to forget how quickly his head lifted.

"You haven't had a nine in weeks, bug," Harry remarks and I don't bother to nod. What would be the point? I don't want to make it any more real than it has to be. "Becks, can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"When you say nine . . do you mean a ten?" his question made sense but I didn't want it to, because that would mean I'd have to come up with an answer. That wasn't something I could do.

Waiting was something I had done a lot of recently and what joined it was my feeling of something being amiss. I had blamed it on losing Phoebe and how it had upset my entire life, but standing here now, both rang too true. I couldn't put a finger on why I hesitated opening the door, even though I had been here just the other night. It had been Harry and I's first double date back with Asher and Skye. We had played Cards Against Humanity and sat around the old rinky dink deep fryer whilst picking our cards.

Leaving that night, my stomach was full from the pizza rolls, cheese curds, steak bites, and more that we deep fried, but that wasn't why my gut felt off. Skye had been acting weird and I couldn't put a finger on it. Sure, things had been different since losing Phoebe, but I knew it wasn't that. Tonight, I hoped it would come to light. If only I'd known now what I would later, I would have never come at all.

There was no answer when I knocked on the door, so I let myself in like usual. Our favorite chicken bacon ranch pizza Skye had promised me wafted from the oven where it cooked. After a quick glance around the open apartment, I find that I'm alone. That's odd, I think to myself, remembering running into Asher in the parking garage on my way from leaving work today. Their cars were parked out front and Skye's purse and keys are scattered across the island. Just like the old times, I muse silently as I begin to toe off my shoes until I stop.

Loud voices carry from down the hallway and immediately I recognize them as the two blondes I'm looking for. Removing my shoes is forgotten as I inch my way into the apartment, trying to listen. Normally, I'd feel guilty eavesdropping and so I don't often do it, but that went out the window when I heard my name. It sounds like they're fighting, but what about? Does it have something to do with me? Why would it? The questions bloom behind my eyes as the sound of their arguing grows when I come closer.

Stopping outside my old bedroom door, I felt more than uncomfortable, but it only grew as I waited. It had been weird at first finding out that Asher and Skye moved into my old bedroom, but knowing that it was the biggest, it made sense. Something inside of me tells me to stop and that I shouldn't be stepping into such a private moment of theirs. If it were the other way around I wouldn't want somebody to eavesdrop on me and Harry talking, and least of all a fight. But I can't stop after I hear my name for a second time.

"Skye, you have to tell Becky. You can't wait any longer."

"Don't you think I know that, Ash? I've been trying to think of how to say it, but for the life of me I can't," my best friend sighs. A whining sound follows her words, presumably after she plopped down onto the mattress. But when it comes a second time, I realize it's drawn from her lips.

"It'll be easier the sooner you tell her, babe. You know that." An unmistakable sigh whooshes from my best friend's lips on the other side of the door. "It can't wait any longer. Maybe you should tell her tonight."

"No! She just went back to work earlier this week and Harry said that she's doing better. I don't want to ruin any of that by telling her."

"She'll understand, Skye, and I know how much you want to tell her, to share this happiness with her. It was all I could do the other night to not talk about it, because I'm excited too," Asher admits with exasperation. Another sound tells me that he's joined her to sit on the bed.

"Of course I want to tell her, but how do I tell her about . . "

I hadn't known how I had gotten here. That's stupid because, of course, I did. But sitting here now, the steering wheel of Harry's car slick with my tears, I still wish I hadn't heard what I did. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't erase it from my memory, and no amount of tears could make it better. Each breath I took sent shoots of pain through my chest as it shook with fitful sobs. The engine still ran, rumbling softly even through the steering wheel my head rested on.

I had lost track of how long I'd sat here after pulling into the driveway. I knew that he would hear the garage door if I pulled in, so I was waiting. He didn't seem to hear or see the car yet, something I was grateful for. I wasn't ready yet, but would I ever be after what I just learned? Just as much as she didn't know how to tell me, I had no idea how I could tell Harry.

The laugh track of a TV show is what I hear first upon opening the door, followed by a wisecrack from Joey on FRIENDS. My heart squeezed at the sound of Harry's subsequent giggle, and knowing how I was about to take it away. I closed the door softly as I could and still knew that he would hear it. It's instantaneous how quickly the TV is turned down and how my unrelenting crying replaces the sound.

"Becks? You're home already, love?" my favorite voice murmurs from the living room before alarm is racing in it. "What happened? Is everything alright?"

I could count the seconds before I hear his rushed footsteps coming my way, and then stopping in front of me. Harry's molasses voice rushes to say my name a few more times but he succeeds in one try to pull me into his arms. Taking my spot sitting against the front door, I melt inside of his arms.

"Baby, please. What's wrong? You're scaring the shit out of me," it was hard to make out the concern in his voice amidst the spinning of my thoughts. It was there but I knew that had things been normal inside of me, I'd be able to hear the panic and fear living in his voice. "Are you hurt?" hurrying to ask, his hands run along my body, as if checking for injuries.

His neck smells sweet with vanilla from his cologne and then woodsy all at once, a smell that used to calm me in seconds. No, not now. Inhaling, I try to focus on his voice and the feeling of his fingers in my hair, but it's more than hard. It's only after snaking my arm out from around him and my fingers into his, do I find my bearings. His chin was sandpapery against my head and although he'd wake me up with the weird feeling, I welcome it now. It's what roots me to the spot and brings me back to him.

"Becks honey, talk to me . . Don't run away from me again," sorrow leaked from his words that began to break on his lips. "Please."

"Harry," his name came out in a sob deep from inside of me. The second I'd heard those words drop from Skye's lips I had wanted him . . needed him. I had known that's the only thing that could ever make it better, but could it after I utter the words that had been spinning webs in my head? "S-Skye . . . "

"What, is Skye alright? Did something happen to her? Did-."

"Skye's pregnant, H-Harry."

What woke me wasn't the feeling of his fingernails dragging along my arm, raising goosebumps. It was a nightmare that I couldn't place once I'd opened my eyes, but that didn't matter because I'd woken up to one. The night before came flooding back to me, making me remember why my throat burned and my eyes stung. It was from the screams I shouted in the car where nobody could hear me, not even God who they were meant for. No, I doubted he heard me or saw the way I chased breaths between sobs.

"Morning, bug," Harry rasped in his voice dripping with extra honey.

Something unspoken hid in his words and in the way he covered my face with loud kisses. I didn't laugh or even break a smile. It was impossible after the newly awake ignorance washed away seconds after waking. I felt the hesitation in his movements, the way his chin now tucking my head to his chest moved when he was going to speak only to stop. He wanted to ask how I slept or what I dreamt about. It was the usual stuff but I knew that he was choosing his words carefully after all of the ones that were said last night.

I felt lost in my own, not knowing what to say. It was almost as bad as before when a chasm broke through our lives, carrying us away from each other. Almost but not quite. The thought made me cling to him with fear, never wanting to lose him ever again after all of the times that I had already.

"Shhh, I'm here. I-I know it's not okay right now, but it will be eventually," he cooed to me, fingers nimble and gentle where they dragged through my snarled hair.

"How, Harry? How am I going to be okay seeing her have what I want? I have to watch my best friend have a baby when- when I should be pregnant with her too. I-I . . ," no other words are possible as I begin to shake in his arms. Again.

"I know, buggie," is all that he says, speaking volumes more through his fingers drawing shapes into my back.

"How many times have they called?"

His hand pauses, frozen in a soft claw against my spine, "How'd you know? I thought you were asleep."

"I was but I know h-how they are . . She was so upset, Harry. I still feel so bad for how it happened."

"They each called about ten times already since last night between our two phones. I've gotten a few texts as well but I don't know how to answer them," he murmurs and I can only nod. His calming humming begins against my hair, some tune by The Paper Kites that he caught me listening to when I was his assistant, saying it was a favorite of his too. "Skye already said a hundred times that she understands that this is hard for you . . It's what all her texts and voicemail said."

"How can she say that she understands wh-when she's never lost a baby?" out it comes and I can't take it back, despite all of the times that I had thought it. His words of comfort begin but I'm too quick to shut them down. "But I should be happy for her and Asher," I whisper into his chest, the familiar warmth of his necklace against my cheek.

"You don't have to be anything you don't want to be, Becks. We don't get to choose how we feel . . However you're feeling is okay and it's understandable," Harry says, tracing circles under his t-shirt he pulled over me last night when I couldn't get dressed myself. "To be honest, I'm quite pissed at the world at the moment and somehow at them too. It doesn't make sense but feelings never do . . I had the hugest crush on you when we met and I had a girlfriend. It didn't make one bit of sense to me."

All that I can muster is a hummed acknowledgement before words find me, "You fought it and it didn't go away though. I want this to go away. I don't want to be jealous and mad but . . I don't know how I can't be. It's not fair, Harry."

Any licks of morning light is doused out by black when I squeeze my eyes shut, wishing that was the trick to keeping the tears in.

"I know, honey bug. Life is never fair, unfortunately . . but we're going to have our own family one day. It'll happen for us when we're ready again . . And if you can't do it, watching Skye become a Mum, then you don't have to. I don't want you causing yourself any more pain. You've already been through so much."

"But she's my best friend, Harry, ever since first grade."

"Then give it time, babe. Healing doesn't happen in a day . . We both know that."

"How can I heal if everyday I'm reminded of it, Harry? Sh-She's going to have a baby and I'm supposed to be there as her best friend, like we've always planned. The best friend plans the shower and is there for the birth, and her bump is going to get bigger. I-," he stops me before I carry on and eventually implode from the feeling bursting from my words.

"You can only do so much, and however much that is - big or small - is okay. Skye will understand," he insists from above, nudging his nose against my temple. "Shhh, shhh. It's going to be okay, babe. I promise."

Harry's words ghost over my face, smelling of the minty toothpaste we use. If my body wasn't shaking with waterfalls of tears, I'd try to care what time it is and why he isn't at work. Part of me wants to ignore it and that's the one I listen to, letting him rock me back and forth inside of the safety in his arms.

"Thanks for staying w-with me," I blubber against his neck, finding purchase with my hands cupping his shoulders.

"Always, my love. Thank you for doing the same. I know it seems like we keep getting hit down as soon as we get up."

"No kidding," I hiccup.

Trying to focus on the Elton John song he sings to me instead of the danger concocting inside of my head is no easy task. It was one of our favorite songs but it still couldn't stop me from thinking about how it should be Skye and me pregnant together. We'd dreamt out loud how many times since we were six that we'd be mothers together and our kids would be best friends. Now, that will never happen, I think miserably, wishing that things could be different just like I had thought for the last two months. Those thoughts spun back into how I'd have to stand by her side through it all, pretending that I wasn't insanely jealous and resentful. That sentence in itself makes me cry louder against his bare chest, because she was my best friend and how could I be so mad at her for something that was so amazing? I can't but I am.

It was the very same thing I'd said last night after the bedroom door had opened, all of our mouths agape. I'd tripped on my own feet, or their news had knocked me off them, I suppose. It had sent one of their plants onto its side and profanities from my mouth.

"Ree . . Oh my god," Skye had gasped, a hand to her mouth, of course. The face I had known for so many years, watched change over and over, had paled so that it almost matched the wall behind it. "Please. I'm so sorry. I didn't want you to find out this way. I promise I was going to tell you, I just didn't know how. I-."

"I can't do this, Skye. I'm sorry but I-I can't. I don't know how to," I had muttered hastily, my wet eyes already painting my face only moments before hers.

It was only seconds later that Asher had exclaimed my name for there to be no response. Moments before slamming the door, I heard him call after Skye whose footsteps trailed behind me.

"Ree, please! I'm sorry!" she had shouted after me, in a voice that snagged on the fresh crack in my heart.

"Skye, don't. She'll be okay, just give her time."

With a pained sob just before the door closed, I heard her choke out, "I never wanted to hurt her."

"Is there anything I can do to take your mind off it, bubs? It's not healthy to keep replaying it over in your head, and I know you are," Harry's murmur comes, trying to shut the door on the memory. One that is still too fresh and new, too much like the puddle of red I sat on in this very bed that morning. We'd made our way back into our bedroom and into our old lives, thinking things were going back to normal. Little did we know. Shaking my head does little to erase the thoughts, no matter how many times I do it.

"Your head's not an Etch A Sketch, bug. Stop, baby, please," he insists, bringing a hand to my head, trying to make me stop. If only I could erase the thoughts like the old toy we played with as kids. Skye and I would fight over who used it, even if we both were terrible at it. "Please, just tell me what I can do to make it all better."

"You can't always fix it, Harry. Thank you for t-trying, but . . "

Puffing, the crack in my heart widens at the pain held in just his sigh. "I wish more than anything I could, Becks. I'm the husband, the d-dad. I should be fixing it."

"Don't. You can't a-and that's okay," I say with a voice colored with the very opposite, because it really isn't okay.

"Even though it's not . . okay."

Nodding my head quickly into him answers that then and there, as if the tears loud from my eyes didn't say that already.

"I see now why you've never rated your pain as a ten before today . . ," he didn't need to finish his thought because my mind knitted it up for him. Because I need to save it for when it could be nothing else but a ten.

"I miss her. I never even met her and I miss her so much it hurts," my voice trembles, colored with memories that had just become bearable to recall. Now, I feel as if I need to find the key to lock them back up in their box because they're too painful to think about. "I just want her back, Harry."

"I know, sweetheart. So do I," his lips brush against my temple with his words, pressing a kiss there that stays. At least I have Harry. I can get through anything with him by my side. I find it in me to take a full breath at that realization, holding onto him tighter.

What now, I thought silently but the words spoke volumes. Underneath me the mattress squeaked when I tried to get comfortable. Tugging at my shirt, my eyes fell to my legs clad in a fresh pair of jeans. It felt bizarre to be wearing them. I hadn't gotten dressed in four days, because I could barely get out of bed. It was too much like the last time and it scared me to no end, because I didn't want to lose everything like before.

I didn't want to get dressed today or to take a shower for the first time since I'd heard about Skye, but I did. Harry gave me time and didn't push me, but when he left for work this morning, again without me, I found it in me to do it. My body had already gotten used to the baggy feeling of Harry's oversized shirt and sweatpants. Now, it wasn't sure about these jeans or the warm black and brown Argyle sweater I'd found in his closet. Dragging a brush through my snarled hair seemed like the most work I could do all day, let alone warming up leftovers after it. This time, I hadn't lost myself completely, but I still didn't feel like me. Knowing what I did changed everything once again, and I didn't know how to do it.

Staring back at me, the meticulous plans Harry and I had made seemed impossible now. The blinking cursor nagged at me to type in the shared Google document, knowing Harry would see it. The top listed the logical need to know things and then the places we'd go, followed by the costs and smaller details. It had only been a week since we'd looked at our wedding plans together, but it had seemed much longer now. Seeing the dress decorated with lace and sewn flowers in our closet pained me, making me wonder how I'd get my best friend to do my hair and makeup now. I knew that she would come, even if I hadn't answered any of her texts or phone calls since it had happened. But how could I do it?

#harry styles #harry styles fanfics #harry styles wattpad #one direction fanfiction #harry smut

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palimpsessed · 4 years ago

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So @captain-aralias did one of these and invited other writers to do the same. And I wasn't really going to because it feels a bit late now and also I've done quite a few other year in review posts for 2020. But then I got to thinking that it would be really nice to have one of these for each year to look back on and compare, which convinced me. So, here we go!

If you’re a writer, I’d also encourage you to steal this. Tag me on your post so I can see your thoughts! 🥰

List of Complete Fics for 2020 1. At the Top of a Tower, With You- General, 900 words 2. Use Your Words- Teen, 16k 3. A Man of Letters, or Five Times Baz Retreats and the One Time He Doesn’t- Teen, 54k 4. To the Manor Borne- Teen, 43k

Total: 4 fics, 113k words

Every one of these fics was written for an event, which, realistically, is the only reason they got finished. I have so many ideas I'm working on all at once, and I came into fandom with a focus on making art, so to actually find the motivation to sit down and write/finish/post a fic was entirely deadline based. And it's a technique I'm sure I will also employ in 2021.

Best/Worst Title?

Well, I've mentioned a few times before that I usually have a title before I have much in the way of a fic concept. I don't really dislike any of the my titles, because they all did exactly what I needed them to do, which was help me focus on what I wanted to accomplish in the fic. Comparatively speaking, though, I can answer this.

Best: Use Your Words - succinct, idiomatic, a book quote/motif that also has the potential to be a spell, does what it says on the tin, is probably what all of us are constantly yelling at Baz and Simon to do throughout the books and the fic itself

(Honorable mention to A Man of Letters because that title forms a perfect heart shape when viewed on mobile on AO3. ❤️)

Worst: At the Top of a Tower, With You - this is also a quote and it fits the fic perfectly, but it is a bit of a mouthful and it has a comma in the middle of it, which, while I love commas, feels a bit off-putting in terms of a title - also, it's always kind of bothered me that it's a Baz WS quote used for a CO-era Lucy POV

Best/worst summary?

Again, I don't really dislike any of my summaries.

Best:

To the Manor Borne: The gang decides to spend Christmas together at Pitch Manor. Romance, hijinks, and holiday cheer ensue.

Anything that lets me use the word hijinks is always good! - it's short and sweet - it does a fair job of setting up the premise for the fic and giving highlights, without giving anything away

Worst: A Man of Letters

I'm not going to include this one because it's so long, I had to cut down the version I posted on tumblr to fit in the AO3 field, which is really why I rank it below my others - it effectively sets up the world of Simon and Baz in Regency England prior to where the story starts, but it is prohibitively long - and it's set up, not summary, so it also loses points for not doing what it purports to do - I could have said exactly what this fic was in one sentence: "Simon and Baz meet at several Regency-appropriate venues over the course of a London season and reflect on their acquaintance in letters", but instead I did the full book jacket version because it was more interesting to me.

Best/Worst First Line?

Oh, this is interesting. I can honestly say that I have no idea where this will go. Going to pull up my docs and find out! Okay, since I only have four fics to consider, and I'm feeling split, I'm going to do two for each. I feel good about my words, but I will say that half of my first lines actually provide information, and the other half are incomplete thoughts. Those were stylistic decisions I made, but when taken alone, it does somewhat limit the effectivness of a sentence when it can't stand without the rest of the paragraph. Perhaps that decision will lure readers in for more?

Best:

In the end, we wind up at Pitch Manor. (To the Manor Borne)

I know that you won't be surprised when I tell you that I do not like writing letters. (A Man of Letters)

Kind of interesting that these both contain key words from the titles 🤔

Worst:

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to do this. (Use Your Words)

I love how the title seems to be answering Baz's question when the two are put together like this 😂

Strange that it should end here, where it all started. (At the Top of a Tower, With You)

The title also seems to complete the first line in this one, too. I'm learning about my writing as this goes on, so that's cool!

Best/Worst Last Line?

Hmm. Okay, again, no idea. Also, a little leery of including last lines for anyone who hasn't read the fics they're from yet. (Tho I guess it's unlikely those people would be reading this😆) But let's see what we've got.

Use Your Words and A Man of Letters have very similar final lines, and both are somewhat spoilery.

Best: The ending of A Man of Letters felt risky to me, in the way that it is formatted and changes tone from the rest of the story. It was something that happened as I wrote it and I loved it. I had no idea if readers would like it, if they would feel like it worked as an ending, but I felt strongly enough about it to let the entire fic hinge on that and I think it really paid off. So, without giving you the actual last line, which is only one word, I'm going to say that one is my best ending.

Worst:

To the Manor Borne: "Carry on, Simon."

It's not bad, it's just not mine.

Looking back, did you write more fics than you thought you would this year, fewer than you thought, or about what you predicted?

I did not set out to write any fics in 2020. I was supposed to be taking a break from writing. I've been an aspiring novelist for half my life now, and have been going through major ups and downs with my writing. I decided I needed to re-evaluate and figure out if writing was something that was even going to be able to make me happy anymore. The answer is: YES! Just…not original fiction. At the moment. I'm happiest when I can write for the sake of writing and not have to DO something with that writing. Which is why discovering fan fiction was AMAZING!!!! 🥰🥰🥰

To actually answer the question, yes, I wrote more than I thought I would. I also wrote exactly as much as I thought I would, simply because these were all things I signed up for (with the exception of my Countdown fic, but I committed to it as if it were something that required a sign up).

I have a lot more ideas for 2021, but I don't know how many of them will come to fruition. I'm not putting pressure on myself to have to do anything beyond what I sign up for again, because it did work out so well for me starting off.

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted last year?

I mean, the pairing and the fandom were in no way a surprise. 😆 They're my only ones, so those were both a given. The genre is also not surprising.

What's your favorite story this year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you the happiest?

A Man of Letters, without any hesitation. I adore it so much. It's the kind of fic I know I will unabashedly sit down to read over and over, even if I'm the one who wrote it. I had one reader to please and it was ME. By far, my most self-indulgent fic.

Okay, NOW your most popular story?

That depends on the metric.

To the Manor Borne leads in Comments (107), Kudos (153), and Hits (1992), and Use Your Words leads in Bookmarks (26).

But since To the Manor Borne is top in 3 out of 4 metrics, I'll say that one.

Story most upderappreciated by the universe?

I mean, the least popular by a wide margin is At the Top of a Tower, With You, but I don't know if I'd call it underappreciated. It's short, it's angsty, it's got a very unusual style, it's Lucy POV, it's the first fic I wrote and posted. I didn't really go into it with high performance expectations. I'm proud of it, I just didn't expect it to be popular. It would be nice if more people read it, but I'm not broken up over it.

Story that could have been better?

I'm not even going to touch this one. Everything can always be improved upon, but if I go down that route, nothing will ever be done. This is one of the things I have come to appreciate about traditional art versus digital. With traditional, there is only so much you can do before something is permanent and you have to live with it. It's an exercise in letting go and acceptance. Digital is flashier and more flexible, but I could (and have) spend months on a single piece and never feel satisfied, never stop tweaking. I think that's also the reason I started to hate my novels.

Sexiest story?

Based purely on overall vibes, I find the understated tension of the Regency the most appealing, so I'm going to say A Man of Letters. I didn't actually stray into sex territory in any of my fics (though Simon and Baz have had sex by the time To the Manor Borne starts, and refer to it, and probably do it "offscreen"), but A Man of Letters is the one that feels sexiest to me. Lots of thirsting!Baz and feral!Simon and sensual hand touching (how risqué!) - and YEARNING. That, to me, is the sexiest vibe of all. So. Much. Yearning.

Saddest story?

At the Top of a Tower, With You - for this one, I tagged "angst without plot" and I stand by that. It's Lucy losing her connection to Simon at the end of CO and trying to find a way to reconcile herself to leaving him alone again. I gave it as much of a hopeful bent as I could, with the refrain of Baz's spoken "love" to cling to, but it's very sad.

Most fun?

To the Manor Borne - All of my fics have their fair share of angst, but this one also has some good, silly, holiday fluff thrown in. Since I wrote it for the Countdown, each chapter was based on a different prompt, which led to this one going in all sorts of directions no single fic probably ever should. Plus, it has the most Shepard, and Shepard always makes things more fun.

Story with the single sweetest moment?

Oh my god. I don't know. No, never mind. I do. It's To the Manor Borne, but it's split between the two gift giving scenes, the Constellations and Secret Santa/Gift Giving prompts. These were private moments between Simon and Baz, sharing themselves with each other, being vulnerable, and communicating. It's the gifts they give each other, yes, but it's more so the reasons they chose those gifts, and how they show part of themselves and share their love for each other, through those gifts, that had me in tears writing those two scenes. I'm super proud of them.

Hardest story to write?

Use Your Words - it was written for an exchange and that made it really hard to write it knowing there was this pressure of making my gift-ee happy with the fic. I'm proud of it, and they really liked it, but the anxiety was too much for me.

Easiest/most fun story to write?

A Man of Letters - if there is a fic better suited to me as a writer, I haven't met it. I started writing after reading Pride and Prejudice in high school, so I started out writing Regency and I spent years and years and years of my life obsessed. When I transferred into college, an administrator I had never met before heard my name during orientation and said, "Oh, you're the Austen scholar." (It is a small, private college, and I was a transfer, so the pool of students was even smaller. But still. Many years later, I'm clearly not over it.) I also did my senior thesis on an epistolary novel (Frances Burney’s Evelina), and my English Lit emphasis was for that time period. So, I felt like I had been preparing for this fic my entire adult life. 😂

Did any stories shift your perceptions of the characters?

I don't think so. I tend to let my writing be dictated by the characters, so I'm always following their lead. Sometimes they'll do or say something that surprises me and takes me down a route I didn't necessarily foresee, but I don't think there was ever a point where one of them did something that made me rethink who they are as a character.

Most overdue story?

I will say A Man of Letters, since that one felt like a culmination of my seventeen-year-old self's wildest writing dreams. But I should probably say the Scooby Doo AU I still haven't managed to finish, because that one has been a WIP since I joined the fandom. Oops. (I'm hoping when I look over this in a year, I can feel smug that it's finally done.)

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?

Writing at all was a risk for me! And writing fan fic for the very first time! Writing an entire fic told only through letters. And then ending it in a completely different style from the rest of the fic. Doing a multi-chaptered fic for the Countdown, using a different prompt for each chapter, and publishing a chapter every single day for thirty days (with the exception of two days that had art). Signing up for fandom events in the first place!

What I learned from taking risks in my writing is the same thing I learned when I took risks in my art this year. I have a much better appreciation for what I've done when I push myself, I feel better about the end product, and I like it longer. I think it's really good for me to challenge myself creatively.

This year's theme and the story that demonstrates it most?

Oh boy. Um. Therapy! Both Use Your Words and To the Manor Borne had their big HEA moments built around sending Simon and Baz to therapy. I don't think that's likely to change for future fics, either. I feel like therapy as the theme for 2020 seems very fitting. (Also, I think I keep sending the boys to therapy because I'm trying to get myself there…)

What are your fic writing goals for next year?

Just to write what I want to write, have fun, not put any pressure on myself, and to take risks in my writing and my art because it will help me to grow.

#fan fic year in review #my fic #at the top of a tower with you #use your words #a man of letters #to the manor borne

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tuttifuckinfruttifriday · 4 years ago

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🎉 Happy Birthday to who?? 🎂 (or : The best birthday she ever had)

Pairings: The Voorheese’s family(MJ, Malon and Jason)

Warnings: a bit sad, cute

another banner under the cut since I love making those hehe :D

Absolutely don’t hesitate to tell me if I did any mistakes, it would be extremely appreciated!<3

—

As soon as she woke up, the only thought that MJ had was;

Oh god, not today.

Why you ask? Well, it’s her birthday even though she never celebrated it, which kind of made it hard in her whenever someone would remind her of it.

It wasn’t a big deal, but today was. After long time of no signs of life, her parents had sent her a “Happy Birthday” card bought from the nearest store with the cheap envelope that you can’t even open. It was cute and nice of them to think about her, but she almost would have preferred they didn’t, the classic message “We hope you’re having an amazing day since it’s your day and blah-blah-blah” greeted her as she opened it and closed it after, a small smile onto her face. She was so into the piece of paper that she was obvious of the small red head looking over her shoulder with a small grin. As soon as MJ turned around her daughter was already gone and tiptoeying away, a mischevious look on her face.

She never even knew when her mother's birthday was, so she would cherish this information. The first thing Malon did was look for her father, her smile widening when she saw him cutting some woods outside. Jason had his back to her, an axe in his bigger hands as he cut some woods for one of his numerous projects, his usual jacket missing even if it was chilly outside. The wind made her hug her small knitted jacket tighter to her body as she moved towards him. She liked how her father was so creative, but sometimes she thought about how he made them for her and her mother, just to see them smile...She wasn't stupid. If only she could tell him how happy her and her mom were happy with just being with him, but he wouldn't believe them anyway... Well, at least they could try to make him understand how much he means to them by doing small things for him and saying everyday that they love him <3. But going back to it, she announced her presence with more weight in her steps, knowing her father would probably die again if she sneaked up on him. When he realized she was there, he put the potential weapon down and looked down at her, crouching beside her as she hugged him. ''Did you know it's mom's birthday?... '' Malon said as she looked into his dark eyes with her sparkling and childish ones. A laugh escaped her as she saw her father's face look like he had just been slapped, his eyes wide open. To answer her question, the undead man nodded and got up, but he couldn't fool her. He couldn't fool her, and Malon knew he knew that. Even so, she still let him think that he did as she watched him pace around with his eyes moving back and forth as he was obviously thinking. It was even funnier when she asked him bluntly if he wanted her to help him find a present for her mother, a childish smile still on her face. Without even thinking about it, Jason immediately nodded with enthusiasm and despair. Both knew that they could not find a gift on their own, the reason why they immediately went to work. Still almost laughing, Malon followed her father to the small shed behind the cabin and waited for him outside when he made her sign to.

After some time of waiting and hearing him rummaging inside, the curious girl was going to ask him what he was doing until she saw him get a really big wooden chest outside, the paint chipping away as it seemed to have survived a lot. What she didn't know and nobody did is that it did survive a lot, since it's Jason's old toy chest. Obviously, there weren't toys inside. It was a surprise to his daughter when he opened it and she saw lots of things inside, mostly things that he had taken from his victims/the trespassers. There was almost anything; jewelries, brushes, broken phones, what looked like snacks but were obviously not good anymore, clothes..... A lot of things. ''Woah! Where does this come from?? '' Malon said with excitement, impressed by the things inside as she leaned down to look. Her father only made a shush motion as he winked at her, already starting to look through the heavy box at his feet on his knees. Trying to make small talks and being really curious, Malon asked her father after guessing those were things he collected; '' For how long have you been collecting those?... '' Jason stopped and looked up, frowning and making a motion to say he doesn't know, which surprises Malon even more. He didn't know for how long he had been collecting those things, but he remembered a bit that he started approximately when he saw MJ for the first time, but he wasn't going to say that to his daughter. After some times of searching, he found an almost intact compass at the bottom and took it with a small pocket knife and some other things he found, having a small idea of what to do. He had let Malon look inside too for something to give her mother, evidently making sure to show her to be careful because there was some dangerous things inside the chest. Malon chooses a cute ring that Jason didn't even knew he had with a necklace that has a small rock that her father told her is an 'aquamarine', the people who are born in march's birthstone(correct me if I'm wrong<3).

To get the dust and dirt off, Jason gave his daughter a small rag and she did just that, smiling as she saw how beautiful the jewelleries were. Before Jason closed the chest and hid it in the shed again, he took some camo pants that had a hole in them and closed the lid, remembering he had a small sewing kit on a shelf. He watched as Malon ran inside to find a cute bag to put the jewelleries inside and draw her mom a birthday card before he put all his strength into taking it back to the shed and hiding it, the things he took into his arms.

While they did that, MJ was wondering what her family was doing as she hadn't seen them when she got up. It was definitely strange since Malon always came to her and asked her for breakfast since Jason was mostly always working. But she hasn't even seen a glimpse of the child, not until now at least. The front door closed softly as the woman made her way to greet the person, frowning and tilting her head when she saw Malon hiding something in her pockets. ''Hey sweetheart! Where have you been? '' ''Oh! I-I was looking for daddy until I found him and helped him with..... something. '' Malon said with an hesitant pose as she almost looked panicked, obviously trying to hide something from her as she averted her eyes. ''Okay....'' MJ was going to let it pass since she didn't want to assume anything, so she only watched her speed walk to her room with a small chuckle when she heard her door close. Her pale eyes looked into the window as she saw Jason's retreating back going into the shed and closing the door. 'Why... Why are they acting so strange?? ' She thought as her brows seemed to be in a permanent frown. To change her mind, she decided that she would make a light breakfast for her and Malon, since her husband didn't need to eat and looked quite busy.

Questions raced through her mind as she cut some fresh strawberries/blueberries/raspberries (your pick :p) from the garden on the cutting board, being careful not to cut herself in the process. It was kind of weird that they decided to hide themselves on her birthday. It's not like they knew though, so she couldn't say anything. She got some crackers and yogurt (sorry if you don't/she doesn't eat that D:) and put them in a bowl as she smashed the biscuits in a small bag before putting the into the almost liquid substance and took the bowl with the fruits to the side to Malon, keeping another one of the same thing at the table as she obviously wanted to eat too. She knocked softly on her daughter's door as she called out to her, almost jumping back when she opened the door right away with a giddy smile. ''Here you go hon...'' She gave the food to her as she put it on the small table with the chair in the corner of her room. Before MJ could go though, she felt a small hand holding hers. ''I've got something for you, mom...'' A soft look came onto her face as she nodded with a small 'okay' and entered her daughter's room. ''That's nice of you, baby... What have you got for me? '' She answered back softly with a smile as she saw her pick a small pink bag from the floor. ''Here.'' The bag was placed into her hand carefully as she looked down at it with curiosity, missing Malon's childish and excited smile as she opened it carefully. There was a piece of paper that was folded in two on the top, so that's what she took and gasped as soon as she saw sparkles falling out of it, colourful colours and writing inside. It was written in blue and pink 'Happy birthday mom! ' In Malon's shaky handwriting. There were three stick figures beside each other, one that had muscles and was taller than the other and one that had a birthday hat. At the realization, MJ's eyes became glassy and happy tears fell down her face, her eyes fixed on the homemade card. ''Oh my.... Thank you so much, darling. You certainly didn't need to.....Awww....'' She instantly hugged her daughter tightly, almost forgetting the presents at the bottom until she was reminded by the girl. Her hand shakily reached inside as she ignored the fact that she didn't tell anybody it was her birthday for now as she felt two small things and gathered them in her hands. It was a beautiful shock again when she saw the jewelleries she hold in her hands, her eyes wide open before she covered her mouth with her other hand. ''Malon....'' She almost whispered as she watched the small girl hug her tightly and smile happily. ''Put them on!'' MJ carefully put the ring on as she admired it, feeling Malon's smaller hands put the necklace's chain around her neck and attach it with the clip at the back. ''W...Where did you get those?.......'' ''Daddy had them in a chest!'' The girl didn't know if she should have told her about the chest, but she did anyway. After some cuddles and hugs, MJ finally asked her how she knew it was her birthday. ''Well...I saw that you were reading a brithday card your parents gave you........'' It instantly clicked in her mind as she let out a chuckle, already guessing that she told Jason too. ''You didn't have to get me anything, I swear sweetie--'' ''I HAD to!!'' She was surprised as her daughter cut her off with a whine, hugging her tighter. ''You always get us something, you deserves so much more!'' Before she knew it, a tear fell down her face again as she buried her face into her daughter's red hair with a giant smile. ''I love you so so sooooooo much....'' ''I love you toooooo....'' MJ was trying so hard not to tear up,

until she heard the door open again.

With a chuckle and some sniffles, she let her daughter go and looked at her face as she placed some loose strands behind her small ears. ''Well, *sniffle* daddy is home...'' She said as she took Malon into her arms, smiling even more as she giggled and wrapped her small limbs around her. She walked out of the room and caressed her soft hair as she smiled brightly at her now unmasked husband. He went slowly towards her with a beautiful but shy smile as he kissed her softly and gave a small pat to Malon's head, on hand behind his back. His lopsided smile enlarged before his wife could do anything else as he took his hand out from behind his back, a home made camo patterned bag into his strong hand. Malon was sure that her mother would have dropped her from shock if she hadn't hopped from her arms some seconds ago. The woman's pale eyes were impossibly wide as she took the offered bag in her hands, feeling that there are some things inside. Tears finally streamed down her face as she looked at all its angles, noting the sloppily stitched words into the bag as she squinted and smiled. ''A...A survival bag?... '' A nod was her answer as he made a sign for her to carry on. The noise of the velcro was what filled the cabin as soon as she pulled gently the piece of fabric closing the bag. The only thought that came to her was that she didn't deserve all that, but she knew that her husband would whoop her ass if she said that. Obviously, another shocked gasp escaped her as she wiped her face with the back of her unoccupied hand. She took out the things inside and put them on the kitchen table, putting the bag aside once it was emptied of all its content. Her eyes travelled once again, but to the things that she had gotten out; a pocket knife, a compass in a small leather pouch and what seemed like a Swiss pocket knife and a big roll of thick rope. Happiness invaded her full body and she hugged her husband tightly, her arms coming to wrap around his neck before she kissed him, chuckling and parting as she heard a small “eww” from Malon. “I love you so much….” The answer she got was her lover’s hands in the shape of a heart as he pointed to her. She chuckled again. Leaning her body on him after some moments, MJ started to speak again. “I seriously don’t deserve you two… It’s just……” There was a pose and Malon and Jason could almost have thought that she would have cried again, yet she didn’t. “Thank you…. “

The three hugged tightly, staying in the hug as long as long as they wanted as they didn’t have anything to do anyway. “Y’all want to play a board game?—“ Mumbles and whines from Malon greeted her as she laughed, seeing the childish face Jason did. “Come on! I’ll search for one!” They couldn’t complain as she already went to search for it. For the rest of the day, the small family played games and joked with each other, having a pretty nice day. It was the first time MJ had celebrated her birthday with Jason and Malon, but she could consider it the best birthday she ever had…

#randomly a fan #jason voorheese #jasonvoorhees

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imaginethathaikyuu · 6 years ago

Note

PLEASE CAN YOU DO A SCENARIO WHERE READER DOES SOMETHING REALLY SWEET FOR KEIJI AND HE LIKE, ALMOST CRIES?? (Maybe they get a family member he hasn't seen in a long time to come over?) I don't know why I want him to almost cry but I wanted a cute scenario where he's super overwhelmed and readers like "?? Please don't cry baby I'm sorry" and he tells them that he's happy crying. If you can't come up with something then that's totally okay, don't stress yourself :D (happy birthday Keiji, baby :) )

this was a really sweet idea :’) if there’s something that would make keiji cry happy tears it would be getting a special gift like this. i hope u enjoy this third gym squad fluff >:)

Keiji was being quiet on your walk home from dinner, and you desperately wanted to change that. To do so, you asked him the only question you could think of. “So… how was your birthday?”

He hesitated to answer, and you weren’t sure if he had even heard you. You squeezed his hand a bit harder, seeming to bring him back to life.

“Oh, it was good,” he said, giving you a small smile. “You made it great, Y/N.”

You nodded and decided not to press him any further. You were almost home anyway, and you were scared you’d spill your little secret if you spoke any more.

You had gotten Keiji all the gifts he’d asked for, you treated him to a special breakfast, and had taken him for dinner at his favorite restaurant. And he was thankful, you knew that. But every year Keiji wished for one thing; one thing you were never able to get for him… until now.

It had been three years now since Keiji and his best friends were all together. Something that used to be a tradition was celebrating each other’s birthdays, but it just wasn’t possible anymore like it used to be.

All the boys lived in different cities now doing their own things. Kuroo was always traveling, Bokuto was coaching an elite high school volleyball team, and Tsukishima was still in grad school. They were a busy bunch.

You knew Keiji missed them a lot. Since graduating college three years ago a lot of things had changed for him. But as adaptable as he was, he really didn’t take well to those changes; he missed his friends and the traditions they once had. Keeping up with each other through texts and social media just wasn’t the same.

Every year on his birthday, Keiji would tell you stories about their usual birthday traditions. Bokuto’s family had a beach house and that’s where Keiji had celebrated five of his birthdays surrounded by his three friends - at least half of those birthdays he spent drunk off his ass, so his memory is a bit fuzzy. But even though it was too cold to play beach volleyball on his birthday, Keiji always had an amazing time celebrating his day with them.

Those trips were special to him. He turned 18 there, had his first drink there, made countless memories there. But it wasn’t the location that mattered - it was the company.

You couldn’t take it anymore. Every time Keiji would call one of them without getting an answer, the heartbroken look on his face was too much to bare. And he always ended his stories with a solemn smile and a now infamous tagline: “I’d just love to have one more birthday like that.”

You wanted to give him that.

That’s why Kuroo, Bokuto, and Tsukishima were all waiting inside your house waiting for you to get home with Keiji; the moment you two walked in, he would be met with his best friends, who all missed him just as much.

It was tough wrangling them all together, but none of them took too much convincing. In fact, they were all just as eager as Keiji was to have another trip.

You were at the doorstep now, but you stopped Keiji before he could open the door. With both hands on his cold cheeks, you placed the sweetest kiss you could muster onto his lips.

“Happy birthday, baby,” you told him before kissing him again. “I love you so, so much.”

He gave you a happy smile, one he reserves for moments like these. “I love you,” he replied, then gave you a thank-you kiss before pulling away and finally opening the door, ready to get out of the cold. “And I really love the watch you got me,” he said as he was taking off his shoes. “I think you’ve adopted some of my good taste -”

“Look who decided to show up!”

You watched everything unfold from the doorway with an uncontainable smile, excited to see your plan finally work out. Keiji seemed to freeze in place at the sound of Bokuto’s voice.

“Hey, it’s the birthday boy!”

And when he heard Kuroo, he had to look back at you to make sure you heard them, too. When he saw your smile he knew he wasn’t going crazy.

“What - what are you guys… doing here?”

“Well, we heard it was someone’s birthday today,” Kuroo said, now standing behind Bokuto. “So we thought we’d swing by.”

“Y/N planned this,” said Tsukishima, who seemed to come out of nowhere.

“Really?”

Keiji’s voice was uncharacteristically quiet, and he looked back to you to confirm what they were saying. You nodded, and as he looked at his smiling friends, he couldn’t believe they were actually standing there in front of him.

But all of your smiles dropped when his head fell into his hands. You could hear his quiet cries and saw his body shaking, and that’s when your excitement turned to concern.

“Keiji,” you said as you quickly walked over to him. “Keiji, baby, are you okay?”

He shook his head and wiped his face, laughing at himself because his tears wouldn’t stop. “Yeah, I just… I’m really happy,” he said, giving in to his crying once again.

“Akashi, you big softie!”

“We missed you too, kid.”

You pulled him into a hug which he turned bone crushing; he squeezed you so tight you thought you’d pop.

“Thank you,” he whispered as his tears continued to fall onto your shirt. “I love you, kitten, thank you.”

He collected himself and you pushed him away, encouraging him to go properly greet his friends. And he did; Bokuto gave him a bear hug, Kuroo put him in a playful headlock and made his curly hair an even bigger mess while rubbing his knuckles on his head, and Tsukishima only snickered at them - though he was thankful it was Keiji getting Kuroo’s tough love rather than himself.

And then Keiji came back around to you; he gave you a big kiss, one his childish mates oohed and awed at, and pulled you into another hug.

“You’re the best,” he told you. “I love you. Thank you, I love you.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” you giggled. “I love you.”

“We hate to ruin this romantic moment,” Kuroo said. “But we’ve got to get going.”

Keiji’s seemingly permanent smile faded away at that. “Really? Already?”

“Yeah, man, we’ve got a long drive ahead, you know?” Bokuto replied.

Keiji, while disappointed, understood. “Yeah, I get it.”

You poked his side to grab his attention. “So you should probably go pack, babe.”

“Pack?”

“For a four night stay in the Bokuto family resort!”

Keiji was, again, completely shocked. “Really?”

“Yes, now go pack -”

“- and don’t start crying again!”

Keiji ran to his room and made sure the rest of his tears were hidden from his friends, and as he packed his bag he reminded himself how thankful he was for the people in his life. For you, specifically. And he knew he’d have to pay you back for this when your birthday rolls around.

#keiji's birthday party #akaashi keiji x reader #akaashi keiji #akaashi x reader #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu one shot #fluff #scenario #third gym

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bizarrewritings-blog · 7 years ago

Text

3 Words - Stucky

Steve Rogers x Bucky Barnes

Summary: It only took 3 words to turn Bucky's world around. Normally, almost nothing could caught him off guard, but in that moment, his jaw nearly hit the ground.

Word count: 2,733

Warning: Slightly implied smut

A/N: This plays partly before, partly after Infinity War but we're gonna imagine everything went well, they won the fight and everyone is alive and friends again. Basically, let's pretend life isn't as fucked up as it is rn. Also, in this Steve and Bucky didn't had contact during Bucky's stay in Wakanda.

For already a while, Bucky's constant state had been simply Confusion. Nothing new, some would say, but it was. At least to him.

He always loved Steve. More like a brother, a best friend, but he loved him. But something has changed since he got unfreezed in Wakanda, being met with T'challa and Shuri rather than his best friend. He felt disappointed almost.

The time he spend in his little cabin in Wakanda wasn't the best as well. Of course, he loved the kids and his goats. And the peace he was finally able to enjoy, apart from the farm work. But he wasn't happy. Steve wasn't there with him and he missed him more than anything. Bucky couldn't go to anyone when those nightmares came back and he couldn't talk to anyone about the fears that still lingered inside of him. He had to suppress all that.

When T'challa brought him his new arm, he knew the peace was over. But Steve was coming. He would be able to see him again. And after all this was over, he would be able to be with him again. He felt his heart swell whenever he thought of it, a small smile creeping it's way onto his face. He couldn't wait. So he did everything to not look like a greasy, depressed man. He took a much needed shower, put on his new arm and suit before making his way over to where Steve and the others would arrive.

When Bucky saw the jet landing he could almost feel his heart exploding with excitement, the smile on his face permanent as he shifted nervously. He watched from afar as T'challa led the group towards him. Then he spotted Steve for the first time in years, and he felt his throat get dry. His hair was slightly longer, styled back, and he had grown a pretty impressive beard, his old uniform worn out. He looked so amazing, Bucky felt himself starting to sweat. He never had that kind of reaction from just seeing someone, but he did now.

As the group neared he tried redeemed himself, taking a deep breath as to calm himself, even though his heart was racing harder than it ever did before. He could hear T'challas voice the closer they got. "You have my kings guard, the border tribe," They were so close, but still haven't seen Bucky. He slowly crept out of his hiding spot. "the Dora Milaje, and-" "A semi-stable 100 year old men" He grinned, instantly walking towards Steve. The Blond smiled brightly at him before pulling him in for a hug. It didn't last long, but it was enough time for Bucky to take in Steves sweet scent. He wished they could stay like this forever. He had missed him so damn much.

"How've you been, Buck?" Steve asked with a smile after pulling away. God that smile. "Ehh, not bad, for the end of the world." Bucky joked, a small grin on his face.

After that they all prepared for the war that was about to happen. Bucky clearly wasn't ready, he was tired of fighting. All he wanted to do was to stay somewhere safe with Steve, just the two of them, like it used to be back in the 40's. But he realized he wouldn't get his wish granted as a couple of spaceships brought a mass of giant, angry aliens to Wakanda.

The fight was hard and exhausting and left all everyone physically and mentally scared, but after what felt like eternity they finally won.

*2 month later*

Most of the Avengers came back to live on the Avengers compound, including Bucky, and it was the happiest he's been in years. He finally got to spend time with Steve again. He obviously didn't have him all to himself, but he would have to accept that.

By now, Bucky had realised that the feeling he got around Steve wasn't like friendship. He had changed, just like his view on Steve. Bucky could feel his heart pick up whenever the Blond smiled at him and when Steve fell asleep next to him after Bucky joined him after another nightmare, he could burst out in tears of happiness.

What held him back from saying anything is Steve's past. To Bucky, it appeared like he was straight. He never told him anything about any attraction towards men, and hell he watched him making out with Sharon a couple years back. On the other hand, Bucky hasn't told Steve about his sudden bisexuality as well. He himself wasn't even sure if he was bi. All he wanted was Steve. But he kept silent, pushing his feelings down in fear of rejection. At least until that day, which turned his whole point of view around.

It was one of those cozy evenings where they all would sit in the lounge, maybe watching a movie, joking around and just being happy about how peaceful it finally was. Bucky would take his standard place on one of the couches, next to Steve. Their arms would brush against each other from time to time, and even the small contact made Bucky shiver. He wouldn't even listen to the ongoing conversation, his mind focused on his phone in his hands and Steve's slight touches. But when the conversation shifted to that exact man, he lifted his gaze to listen. "Come on Steve, when was the last time you had fun, mh?" Natasha, who was sitting on Steves other side, grinned. "I don't have time for relationships. Someone's gotta save the world, y'know." Steve answered, shrugging. "But come on, maybe just a little fun from time to time, nothing serious. It would do you good, you're too tense all the time." Tony joined the conversation, grinning as well. Bucky tensed in his spot as Steve chuckled beside him. He didn't want to think about his best friend/crush sleeping with a random girl. "I hate to admit, but Stark is right." Natasha went on. "What about that barista in the coffee shop this morning? He totally gave you bedroom eyes." Buckys eyes widened. He?

The rest of the team seemed just as surprised. "But Steve isn't gay?" Sam spoke from his spot on the bean bag. Steve turned to him, brows furrowed. "You didn't know?" Buckys breath quickened. There was no way he was- "I'm actually bi." Buckys jaw slacked as he started at Steve in disbelief, just like everyone else. "What?" he heard himself say, a little too loud as now everyone turned to him. He felt himself blush, slowly closing his mouth again. "Why didn't you tell me." He was actually kind of hurt Steve didn't tell him. But then Steve softly smiled at him and he forgot basically everything. "I just didn't know why it would be relevant. I just told Natasha because she was with me when I once didn't turn down a guy who flirted with me." He shrugged. Bucky just sat there staring as his hands, not knowing how to react.

"I'm bi as well." He suddenly blurted, his mouth speaking faster than his mind could think. His cheeks turned a dark shade of red when he realized what he said, his mind spinning as he thought how weird that must have sounded. His gaze lifted to Steve who was just grinning at him. "So you wanna call me out for not telling you when you didn't tell me yourself?" Bucky chuckled nervously at the irony. "Great. Now we have two bi super soldiers." Rhodey joked. "Anyone else want to out themselves? Or are two enough for today?" The room went silent. "Noone? Good, these two are acting awkward enough." Rhodey continued, pointing at Bucky and Steve. Both men laughed slightly at that.

When Bucky was making himself a sandwich in the kitchen a little later, Steve entered as well. "Hey Buck." He smiled brightly, making Bucky smile as well. "I wanted to say I'm sorry i didn't tell you about - y'know." He continued, scratching the back of his neck nervously. Bucky nodded, understanding. "I'm sorry as well. I should've told you earlier." He said, taking a bite of his sandwich. Steve smiled at him again with this goddamn smile that made his heart jump. "No more secrets from now on, alright?" Steve suggested, making Bucky gulp down his bite, the phrase 'I love you' running through his head instantly, wanting to be spoken out aloud. But he kept quiet, told Steve "Of course." instead. Steve nodded at that, padding him on the shoulder before leaving the kitchen. Bucky left out a heavy sigh, his mind dizzy. God he wanted to tell him so badly. But just because Steve was into men didn't mean that he was into him as well. He wanted to slap himself for his feelings, he hasn't fallen for someone in so long and now it had to be Steve? He knew his brain was messed up, but not that messed up.

The following night, Bucky once again woke up in the middle of the night with his chest heaving, his forehead glistening with sweat. A relieved sigh left his lips as he realized where he was, his dream not being reality. He could punch himself that after all these years, he still had nightmares about his times as the Winter Soldier.

He slowly slid out of bed, making his way to Steve's room, as usual. But this time it was different. Since he now knew Steve was bi as well, the chances that he might feel the same as he did were now higher. He took a deep breath as he stood infront of Steves room before lifting his hand, softly knocking again the door. He listened closely to the sound of ruffling sheets inside before a grumpy "Yeah?" made him open the door. He felt a little bad as he stepped inside, seeing a tiredSteve rubbing his eyes. He clearly had woken him up. Still, he didn't miss the way his heart jumped at how adorable Steve looked. All sleepy and soft, shirtless with his blanket pulled up to his broad chest.

"I-I'm sorry if i woke you up. I can leave again." Bucky mumbled, nervously picking on a loose threat of his sweatpants. "Shut up and come here." Steve chuckled, making Bucky smile. He closed the door behind him, walking over to the empty side of Steves bed and getting under the covers. He layed on his back, about 2 feet away from Steve as he stared against the ceiling. "Wanna talk about it?" Steve asked, laying on his side as his head rested on his elbow, looking down at Bucky. Bucky could feel his heart racing. "It's almost the same I've been having the last couple weeks. Nothing new." Steve nodded before dropping down beside Bucky, now laying much closer to him. Bucky could feel the heat radiating off the Blonds body and it made him want to cuddle into his side.

"Hey Buck?" Steve ripped him out of his thoughts as he stared at the ceiling as well. "Yeah?" "How did you know you were bi?" Bucky swallowed thickly. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Steve was looking at him again. He clearly couldn't concentrate under his intense gaze. "I-I don't really know. Why?" Steve lifted his gaze back to the ceiling. "I dunno. Just curious." Bucky furrowed his brows in confusion. "How did you know?" "I fell for a guy, duh." Steve answered amused. Bucky felt his face heat up. "Of course." He simply replied. A calming silence filled the room after that. Bucky could still feel the heat from Steves body while he listened to his steady breathing. This was normally the point where they would either cuddle or just fall asleep next to each other. Bucky wanted nothing more than to be as close as possible to Steve, so he went for option one.

"Steve?" He asked quietly, getting a "Mhm?" as a response. "Can we cuddle?" He hated how desperate he sounded, but he smiled lightly as Steve chuckled. "Of course." Bucky immediately turned to Steve wanting to scoot closer but Steve suddenly stopped him. "I probably should put something on before this." Buckys brows furrowed. "What do you mean?" "It's a warm night. Didn't expect company." Steve answered honestly, shrugging his shoulders. It took Bucky a moment to understand, his face turning red as soon as he got what Steve meant. "Y-You're naked?" He asked, making sure he understood him correctly. Steve chuckled, amused by how flustered Bucky was, before nodding. Bucky just stared at him in disbelief. He had been laying in a bed with his butt naked crush. Steve still faced him as well, his lips curling into a sly smirk. "You want me to put something on or not?" He asked, biting his lip. Bucky fought the ought to stare at his mouth. Instead he kept his eyes on Steves as his throat went dry, his whole body feeling on fire. He wanted to say no, wanted to feel every inch of Steves skin. But he would never be able to fall asleep when Steve would be just laying beside him, completely naked.

So he swallowed thickly before croaking out a "Yeah." Steve nodded, smiling before standing up. Buckys eyes went wide as he now had full vision of Steves butt as he walked to his wardrobe to put on a pair of boxers. Buckys breath got caught in his throat as he watched the other man bent down slowly. Then it hit him. Steve was putting on a show for him. Noone takes so long to put on one piece of clothing.

"You little shit." Bucky almost growled, making Steve bite his lip again. "What was that?" The Blond asked as he turned around to get back on the bed. "You're doing this shit on purpose." Steve drpped back down beside Bucky, tilting his head to one side innocently while he grinned. "And what if I'm doing it on purpose?" He leaned forward slowly, smiling as Buckys breathing became more erratic. "For what reason?" Bucky questioned, now shamelessly staring at Steves lips which were slowly inching closer. They were already so close, he could feel Steves breath against his face as he chuckled. "Because i like you, dumbass." Buckys eyes widened, flying back to Steves to see if he was lying. "Are you serious?" Steve chuckled again. "Of course. Now stop talking and kiss me." Bucky didn't need anything else as he leaned forward, crashing his lips against Steves. He groaned into the kiss as they lips moved together, the taste of Steve even sweeter than he imagined it.

Bucky moved his hands to Steves waist to pull him closer, while one of Steves hands made it's way into Buckys hair, tugging gently. Bucky moaned softly at that, Steve taking this opportunity to slip his tongue into his mouth. Both their tongues danced together perfectly as small noises of pleasure left Steves mouth. Buckys grip on Steves waist tightened as the only way to keep him grounded. He could feel his mind spinning, the warmth he felt in his belly spreading over his whole body. Of course he had kissed multiple people already, but this was a whole new level. With Steve it felt so good, just RIGHT. Like they were made for kissing each other and noone else.

After a couple minutes Steve pulled away, gasping for air while grinning at Bucky. "Shit, if i knew you could kiss like that i would've made out with you earlier." He chuckled, making Bucky smile. "We definitely should have done this earlier. We're both surprisingly good at it." Bucky agreed, earning a laugh from Steve. "Guess I'm going to take this as an 'I like you too'?" Steve questioned, his eyes meeting Buckys. Bucky slowly lifted his right hand to lay it on Steves cheek, slowly stroking the stubble as he smiled softly at him. "I like you too." He could see the way Steves eyes lit up, a wide grin on his lips. Both leaned in to kiss again, this time more slowly and lovingly than the last one as butterflies interrupted in both their stomachs. And as Bucky felt Steve smile into the kiss, he knew he was deeply in love with his best friend.

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