#my psychiatrist wants to put me on anxiety medication to help me sleep because she thinks the issue with me sleeping and stuff is ptsd rela

[bitegore]

getting mental healthcare is really cool, its like asking someone to take a sledgehammer to your self-interest and then saying thank you after because it makes your life moderately easier even though you have to deal with this shit now

[glitterrosesnzz]

sort of mentally checked out right now,, woke up yesterday feeling physically weak/shaky the way i've sometimes felt when sick. no other real symptoms other than loss of appetite, and the weakness/shakiness occasionally goes away, but it has me freaked out that i don't really know the cause of it

[casketscratch]

The push-and-pull of knowing I have heard myself tell our therapist something and not believing the words out of my own mouth even years later, hahaha.

I had a psychiatrist in like, junior high. The Peak of a lot of the abuse from, I guess, every source we had. I was volunteering where my grandpa worked for a few months; my dad would visit for holidays; we'd moved in with the stepdad and he was abusing us; my older sister would kick the shit out of me every day.

So there was a psychiatrist and doctors because I was had "anxiety" and I remember telling this guy I heard voices. I didn't really know how else to describe it. I just became different people sometimes. I just heard arguing in my head all day long. I don't know. I didn't have the vocabulary to describe how I felt (and it would be another 20 years before I realized what I felt was toxic shame, constantly) other than "bad" and "weird" and "sometimes I think I hear things" and "I'm scared all the time but don't know why."

And the meds he put me on did so much damage. I don't remember very much of anything coherently from that period but I know that psychiatrist was friends with my stepdad; I know the antipsychotics made me sleep like the dead at night; I know they made me start hearing and seeing shit for real and I started having genuine hallucinations and thought ghosts were attacking me a lot.

But at the time I didn't have a choice about whether or not I took them either, or I'd be "sabotaging everything" and my mom would have meltdowns about how bad having a kid in therapy made her look and why would I do that to her, etc. I know this same period is when I started self-harming. Like there's a lot of little overlaps I can piece together now.

So now I have a psychiatrist appointment booked and I cannot sleep and all I have is The Fear. I absolutely refuse to go on antipsychotics again but I think what's not entirely registered is that I do, actually, have that choice this time. Odds are this doctor will just listen and try to help, not, you know... medicate me into oblivion because my stepdad wants him to and then take advantage of that. I can just not take stuff or ask for alternatives. This is hitting as Extremely Unlikely to 13 year old me and I'm realizing just how long she's been stuck there.

I can remember telling my (good) therapist about all of this before in bits and pieces. I can mostly remember him explaining that, yeah, unfortunately doctors like the one I had in jr. high exist and predators are attracted to the profession, too. Unfortunately all of that (the trafficking, the drugs, the working with my stepdad) probably happened.

I am just trying to remind myself that this time I will have a choice and there are probably options to help reduce symptoms to the point I can be a bit more stable again. I'm so tired of clawing my way to a few weeks of stability and then just getting fucking shipwrecked by flashbacks and nightmares and The Fear. The major reason I haven't met anyone in this city (or even been able to reliably reply to a DM for, like, years now) is just The Fear of The Worst Thing Happening Again. Every potential social interaction spirals into obsessing over the worst possible outcome and it's exhausting. I'm fried.

If it's two months of this level of red alert anxiety between now and the psych appointment I am going to lose it all over again. But also: trying to be understanding of where that fear originated from and validate it. But also, also: god just let me relax and stop thinking about this.

[razrrgames]

tomorrow is the 7th anniversary of when i first released after the bell.

a lot has happened in the past 7 years.

i have/had an entire update planned, i wanted to rebuild the game from the ground up, especially since porting it to the steam version of 2003 fucked up the fade transitions.

but i never did.

i’ve tried starting many times, and failed every time.

i don’t think i’ve talked about it here, but im very open about this: i have ADHD and autism. the ADHD is what applies the most here.

the ADHD prevents me from doing what i want, and the RSD makes me overcomplicate things.

back when i made ATB, i was in a hyper focus state on RPGMaker. i had four ongoing projects at once: after i finished the first version of ATB, i was drafting the update, file:blue was added during a horror game jam, riitami, and one other project i literally cannot even remember the name of off the top of my head. i focused hard on these projects, mainly riitami, and then the novelty wore off. this is one of the worst parts of my ADHD. i get really into doing something for a short burst and then i get bored and can’t force myself to do it anymore.

i felt horrible for so long. why can’t i just DO things like everyone else? i need to remake ATB, i need to fix it, i need to take out the stair scene because it was in poor taste, i need to expand on the lore so i stop seeing people asking why ghosts can’t just go through the wall, i need to expand on these characters, etc etc etc. and i just couldn’t do it. i forced myself to come up with a logistical reason for not passing through walls, i rewrote and scrapped and rewrote and scrapped over and over again.

don’t get me wrong. i still do want to update after the bell. i want to remake it. i want to make it better. better maps, better art, better jokes, better characters, etc. but i can’t give you an estimate on when that will happen.

as for the lore of the game,,, i don’t want to put any more thought into it.

i didn’t go into that project with a real plot or world in mind. i just drew a little ghost girl and decided i wanted to make a game about her. then i made her a girlfriend and some classmates. i thought of a very simple fetch quest: getting her name. that’s all it was. nothing more, nothing less.

that said, i have new answers to things.

why can’t she go through walls?

who cares? i’m not gonna make transition events on every wall tile just to satisfy some people who can’t put their suspension of disbelief on hold for a silly ten minute game.

why are all these girls dead?

i don’t know. i just thought one character would be too lonely, so i added some more. i thought more ghosts would be better than filling the space with living characters and then dealing with whatever allows them to communicate.

and there was one person that once said in a comment that it was weird that protag’s parents had the same last name. that has always been a strange thought to me. they’re married? one took the other’s last name?

i don’t really know what i’m rambling about at this point.

in the past seven years (in no particular order), i have moved out, got my drivers license, lost my job, got another job, was ghosted out of that job, gotten a new job that destroyed my soul, fell into a deep depression at the start of the lockdown, went back to the soul crushing job once it resumed, fell out with my roommate, moved back in with my parents, quit my old job and got another job that i now love, adopted a hamster, had her until she passed away earlier this year from health complications, made friends, lost friends, started and ended therapy, got a psychiatrist, got on anxiety medication, started (trying) ADHD meds, started dating my girlfriend, saw her in person twice, was briefly hospitalized to get my first surgery (gall bladder removal), had ANOTHER surgery (septoplasty + removing polyps), went to new york to meet old friends twice, went thru multiple medications trying to find something to help me sleep at night, came out to my mother as a lesbian (she still does not know my gender identity), met some of the people who would become some of the most important people in my life, cried over dnd (positive), started writing stories again, tabled at a lot of conventions…

it’s been a long and wild road. and in those seven years, i have thought about the ATB cast. i know the game got a little traction when it was first released, and i’m a little shocked that it seems to get a lot more attention in spanish speaking communities! that’s a lil crazy to me! not in a bad way of course. i think that’s really cool. sharing our creations and experiences across different language communities is one of the coolest things in the world.

i’ve seen praise and criticism that have helped me think about my work as an artist, and some that have hindered me a bit. nevertheless, i’ve grown a lot since then. at least i hope so.

im rambling about a lot of things. sorry. my train of thought is more like a spaghetti junction, lol

at the end of the day, these silly little ghost girls were my first real journey into RPGmaker. i’d loved playing games for a long time and had made one shoddy little thing before, but ATB was my first real release. i’ve thought about these girls a lot. i don’t think too hard about their world, the lore doesn’t really matter to me; it was just a silly little game i made with no real forethought.

one day i will deliver that remake to you. i don’t know when. i love these characters, simple as they are, and i want to do right by them. im even thinking of asking for help, as i clearly have a lot of trouble moving forward; help with setting up maps and transitions is the most important thing, as i’m not very good at layouts or mapping, but i can handle all the artwork and writing dialogue myself. i also want to commission someone for custom music, as the original music used in the game was generated via online programs because i am also, shockingly (/sarcasm), terrible at music composition. or more like i have no experience with it. i’m tone deaf as all hell.

that is not financially viable for me right now, unfortunately (i owe my parents like $800 for insurance + some assistance from when bebbie passed away) and i do not want to just. not pay people for their work. as an artist i understand the value of the work that goes into these things, and i’m not about to run around asking for free help with a silly little ghost game. i want to be able to pay my help appropriately for their time and effort. that said, if you’d be interested in helping out when that time comes (paid of course, i can’t tell you when that’ll be bc as much as i love my job i don’t make a lot of money) please let me know.

i should bring this rambling to a close.

thank you for seven years of silly ghost girls. it’s been a long time, but i hope that these girls pop into your thoughts from time to time to say hello, as they do for me. i want to do them better, even if they are just a couple of silly middle school lesbian ghosts.

thank you for your patience and support. i’m sorry i haven’t lived up to be the person or developer that i wanted to be. i’m sorry i failed to bring you something to play so many times and for so long. i hope you can forgive me.

thank you, thank you, thank you.

[thepurpleprince]

I just wanted to tell you that I'm wishing you all the best for your appointment tomorrow🫂💜 You know, there's no right or wrong way. It's your first time you're doing something like this. You need some time to get used to it and to adjust to this new situation. Please try not to be too hard on yourself. I know, easier said than done. But even if you do mess some things up, honestly I wouldn't call it messing up, there's still enough time for you to figure things out and to talk to your new psychiatrist. They should try to help you and work together with you. It's a process. One step at a time, even one minute at a time. Everything will be okay🥺 Remember, you're beautiful inside and out. You deserve love, support and compassion. As for you probably having a hard time falling asleep. Maybe try to lay down and put on some gentle music. You could also try the 4-7-8 breathing technique to try and reduce your anxiety. Breathing in for 4 seconds, holding your breath for 7 seconds and then exhaling for 8 seconds. Another suggestion, maybe thinking of J could be calming too. Because he loves you and he will always protect you from the world💜 Well, I'm not sure if my words are helpful at all and I probably babbled too much. But I wanted to send you a little message. You got this, Nia. I'm proud of you and I'm sending you all of my love. I'm thinking of you🥺🫂💜

Thank you so much, Sue!! 😭🫂💙💜💙💜💙 Thank you for comforting me and for all the kind words. This really helped me get through it. The appointment went well and I got some medication for anxiety and depression. I was very nervous answering doctors questions but when she praised and thanked me for seeking a professional help after years and years of hesitation it made me feel a bit better. She seems like a kind doctor.

And thank you so much for the advice to do some breathing exercises! I did that and watched some asmr before bed. I've managed to get enough sleep 🥰

Thank you for the encouraging words 🥺 you're such a beautiful person yourself. I'm sending all the love and support your way 💙💜🫂

[heartshattering]

Wtf even was last night? I couldn't sleep until after 7 AM and it was only because I took another half of my prescription sleep pill, otherwise I'm sure I would've made it to 24+ hours no sleep (I was full of non-stop anxiety) and I would've kept doing the compulsive behavior I do specifically at nighttime/early morning before I sleep that keeps me out of bed for hours.

I am just feeling bad all over and I'm not even sure where to start or what to do. Dealing with my mom is a pain, she's definitely what set me off last night, but there's way more to it than just that. She was the final push for me last night when it came to S-H-ing but there's been a lot making me feel disgusting and terrible and too overwhelmed to exist.

I don't like my environment and I really need a clean and organized space, but this is one of those cases where traditional cleaning advice isn't really helping much... like I'm sorry but putting on happy music to clean my room isn't going to make me feel any better when the sight of all the piles of clutter in my room literally makes me freeze up and just want to vomit on my floor. I don't even know how to begin tackling it.

My schedule is all messed up and I know I'm not living "right". I'm taking more pills for sleep and stomach issues and chronic pain than I usually need to take because my anxiety and insomnia have been skyrocketing which affects me physically too, and even then, I'm still having a ton of trouble with functioning, even at the bare minimum.

I really feel like a zombie. I'm wrecking my insides (as if gallstones weren't bad enough) and it feels like I'm literally poisoning myself. I'm not "abusing" meds (I'm not taking more than what's prescribed to me or getting high from them or anything, I write down everything I take to make sure I'm not taking too much, even OTC meds and vitamins, and I check medication interactions if I'm ever unsure about anything... better safe than sorry). But at one point I was weaning off my meds so it sucks being back on the full dose and still sleeping like utter shit thanks to my anxiety being so severe. I had a (shitty) psychiatrist I only saw one time who told me I wouldn't be able to sleep without shooting horse tranquilizers into my veins and tbh every day it feels more and more true.

I have headaches, fatigue, pain, and stomach problems every day. I'm trying to push through and do things that would maybe help be productive but I never feel comfortable. There's been at least 3 days this month where my panic has made me feel like I'm physically dying.

I really need help, I realize that I do. This is too much for me to handle on my own and I've tried to reach out before but I always get pushed away. I really do feel like one day I'll just randomly drop dead like the nurse told me. I'm handling things so badly and not coping well but I just don't know how to balance every single thing at once with no help from anyone at all and while feeling both mentally and physically sick all the time.

I can't stick to routines, I have a million things I need to do, and all I end up doing is panicking and taking pills and getting yelled at by my mom. I don't know how to deal with things in a "healthy" way anymore and it's like watching a car crash happen before my eyes.

[sincelastsession]

My psychiatrist is an asshole.

I just asked him if complex PTSD caused any sort of auditory hallucinations because I was trying to figure out if I was having an issue or if it was just loud neighbors which he never let me explain and then he went off about medical marijuana and how terrible it was.

And he doesn't really want me smoking it but he doesn't have a save because I'm on the registry and another Doctor Approved it for pain and I'd rather you know not have to take opiates or other harder drugs to kill my pain.

He also freaked out about the amount of xanax I'm on even though he's the one that prescribed it. And I told him that I would rather not take 3 mg a day and I would like to just be able to move from where I'm living now and keep on the 2 mg plus the third milligram for emergencies and I have no idea if he changed my dosage at all.

He talked about how it would eventually cause me to have dementia and you know what I fucking hope it does. I hope it does I don't wanna remember a fucking thing about my life I really don't I don't care I would rather be clueless for getting everything and not knowing who I was or where I was honestly because that sounds a lot better than being hyper aware and hyper vigilant about everything.

Like who cares I'm 37 I'm probably not going to live to 70 at all because of all my other health problems who cares.

I literally have a heart condition that could kill me at any moment of time.

Why don't they think about these things.

I mean it's helping me everything is helping me also he was convinced that I'm still taking my adderall which I have not touched since he told me that he could not prescribe that to me while I was taking xanax and smoking weed which I understood even though I'm pissed about it.

He was excited to see the name of the psychiatrist you work with and I'm starting to wonder if I should just switch to her and if she would keep me on the correct medicine that works for me.

I would love to have 5 minutes with her to just ask her if she would actually keep me on my anxiety medicine and not wean me off until I'm doing way better. However the medicine is doing like more than one duty. It also helps me relax my muscles because I've got something going on with that that's neurological that they haven't figured out. It helps me sleep because I can't take any of the fucking sleep medicines on the market except for ambien but that runs risk of killing me with my heart condition and I've had reactions to everything else. Melatonin makes me not feel good and have horrible dreams. Can't take vista real because that will set off my heart condition. Add event only works for like 10 minutes. I'm not correcting any of these typos from Text-to-speech I really hope you can read this I don't know what to do and I don't feel like fixing it. Anyway and connipen erased my whole fucking memory from the time I was on it. And boost power did jek shit fuck nothing.

I really don't like the way I was treated by my psychiatrist and his PA today and I don't even like the way that they spoke to my mother and I had her at that appointment today so she could discuss with him that it would be a terrible idea to put me impatient which he agreed with.

He wants me to move as soon as possible to some more very quiet and safe and I need a 2 bedroom apartment that's in an area that's quiet and safe I do not care if it's in a ghetto with mostly black people I just care if I'm in a safe and quiet environment.

I was told that I'm not going to get better until that happens.

I have a massive headache and I fucking hate everything right now.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do when I'm unable to leave my apartment most days to get away from this shit and if I do leave then I end up having to spend money on something like a drink or a snack. And that's driving me insane because it's like completely unnecessary purchases. But to me I don't even know what is necessary anymore because I don't even buy myself new clothing I have it bought myself anything that didn't come from a thrift store in years.

Also fuck my sister all the way to hell to the center of the fucking Earth. She needs to fucking learn her lesson because she has been a complete fucking cunt to everybody in the family she won't get help she says she's gonna call and make appointment she won't do that my mom and dad have sat with her and offered to assist her in making appointments she won't do that all she does is either work or play with her friends or sits in her room and smokes weed and has a horrible sleep disorder that she won't get help for.

She also has an alcohol problem in her aunt just passed away At 43 years old from alcoholism and A We're genetic disorder that has to do with alcoholism and alcohol that might possibly kill Piper if she has the same genes

My mom tried to explain this to her she did not care

Apparently Piper just talks to her birth mom on the phone and makes up lies and bullshit as if her birth mom is going to come get her and take her away which I wish she fucking would honestly. But I'd like to beat her mother's ass first for all the shit I have been put through.

Also found out the name and the crimes that Piper's father has done which are horrible.

Other than giving her biological sister shaken baby syndrome he's also a fucking pedophile.

I can't stand this shit

She keeps whining to her fiance that she doesn't want to go live in a nice house with him and she confided in my mother that she hates her engagement ring even though it was one of the 3 she picked out.

If she doesn't fucking want it I will take it jesus I'm so tempted to call her fiance and fill him in on every fucking lie she's told him and ruin their relationship but then she would just try and sap off of mom and dad again

And my mom told her that if she does get married don't come crying to her or my father when she's pregnant and divorced because her fiance or her husband won't put up with her bullshit anymore.

I do think that because her father is mentally ill and my dad is mentally ill she's extra fucked up and I do think she has a form of psychopathy or sociopathy or I'm sort of personality disorder or just really really needs to go to rehab for weed and quit smoking and quit drinking and quit being a fucking dumb ass

Her and my father apparently I have learned today have thrown out so many things and donated so many things of mine without my permission also I was given mail that I told my credit union to quit sending to that address and I know that they send a letter once a month

And I did not get all of the letters that they sent because why because my dad has been opening them and he swore he hadn't opened this one which is why he knows how much money I'm spending on doordash when I'm too scared to leave my apartment because of all the bullshit going on in my anxiety

I have 2 legal years to press charges against my father and sister and I'm still trying to figure out if I am going to win at all if I even try

There are many laws about abusing disabled people. I would love to meet a lawyer that knows about all those laws and knows about all the abuse that I have gone through throughout my life and how the fuck can I Sue my family for that.

I am super mad I don't feel good I'm pissed off at my partner too right now.

My mom told me that she resented me and my sister but me especially because of how I speak to her but she doesn't realize how she comes across to me and I'm not purposefully trying to speak to her any sort of way unless I'm angry and it's reactive abuse which I understand is a problem and I should not do that and that's why I'm in therapy among other things.

I shouldn't have to go to bed at all like before midnight on a weekend just so I can get enough rest to deal with tomorrow which is supposed to be a lazy Sunday but it won't be because everybody's gonna be loud as fuck

I went through crying and sobbing and shaking and almost throwing up today just because of how loud everything was

All of the sudden my psychiatrist doesn't think I have autism he thinks I just have a generalized anxiety disorder and he didn't even make a note that I have the diagnosis of complex PTSD it's in all of my medical chart

He told me he was treating me for the symptoms of generalizing anxiety disorder and panic disorder

I don't understand why we couldn't talk diagnosis I understand that he's treating symptoms I'm not an idiot like some people and that's okay that they're idiots because they don't have a special interest in medical like me they don't know better.

But talking to me using a diagnosis is going to be easier for me to understand and understand the symptoms of that diagnosis that are being treated I'm not going to start acting like that diagnosis and lean into it just because we're using the phrase I understand that the fucking DSM is just like a fucking field guide

I understand that the human brain is so complex that we don't even have words for all the disorders that exist that most things that people are dealing with are pretty much unspecified and most of the medicine that's prescribed kind of covers those symptoms anyway

But not for me not for fucking me I've tried everything.

They I asked him about ketamine treatments and he about had a fucking fit and I still don't understand why other than he just doesn't know enough about it to recommend it and it's experimental blah blah blah

And then my father my father finds an apartment $700 a month it's a 2 bedroom or something like that at fucking Sherwood something and that's an area that is fucking dangerous as hell and I looked them up and I saw a reddit thread about how there was a shooting 10 days ago and bullets went through people's walls.

I am not doing well but I don't need to go to in patient facility Because they will just hurt me and fuck me up more

I don't know what to do I don't know how to handle it I've tried everything does this make all the noise stop

Is terrified that my PTSD is going to go completely off the wall and I'm gonna lose all sense of self-restraint and fucking explode and fight like fucking neighbor

I don't necessarily want to do any of that but if I snap I don't know what's going to happen

And he told me I needed to move as soon as possible to a nice quiet spot and I've been telling my mom and dad and they don't fucking care dude they don't care

Everybody I know other than Travis and my partner generally only gives a fuck about themselves and what benefits them in their life and they don't think like I do about other people

It is a miserable existence and I hate it

I don't wanna care anymore I just want to learn how to deal with the people that are closest to me which is my fucking family

I want to get my things out of my dad's house but I can't even go over there without having APTSD reaction

And they're just throwing my things away and donating them without my permission

My sister is also stealing things from me and my mother without permission my dad's just letting her have whatever she wants and it's not hers to take and it's not his to give

I did not ask them to block off my old bedroom 4 8 fucking years and allow wild animals and shit to get in there.Because of course there's holes in the roof and there's holes in my bedroom ceiling that never got fixed that my dad made and there's gonna be damage to everything I own and I have really important stuff that I left in that room and if I find out my sister took it I'm gonna end up in jail

Because the things that I left at that house have great monetary value but also incredible sentimental value because it's the only things I have left of my grandparents.

I'm gonna be an awful older sister right now and say that I wish that they had never adopted her and maybe focused on helping me while I was a teenager so I didn't end up hanging out with the wrong people and end up in situations that were awful

Maybe if they hadn't used me as a slave to clean up after them both and made all sorts of excuses for this behavior I might not have certain problems

I know that focusing on the past is not very helpful but it's very hard to stay in present moment and fucking do anything because of how bad this flair is I'm not doing well

I'm fucking crying and that's why all the typos are happening

And literally the problem is noise it's just too much noise and rude people and uncaring people and just I can't deal with it it's too much

I don't want my meds fucked with I don't want my old psychiatrist to be dead I wish he was alive more than anybody right now

He was gonna retire after finding me a Doctor and we were supposed to go get coffee together because he actually cared about me as like a daughter figure because my father is a piece of shit You can't seem to keep his hands to himself and it has horrible boundaries

And my sister is also a piece of shit and she has horrible boundaries and I hope she just goes back to her mother

You shouldn't even be talking on the phone with her mother her mother is atrocious she is trashy and she is an idiot and it's probably best that she was given up for adoption but holy fuck I wish she went to a different family

It's not fun to be terrorized by your entire family you're entire life

I don't really have the support system I need either

I have Travis and he's wonderful but he's not gonna be around forever he's eventually gonna get a girlfriend or something's gonna happen and he's gonna be too busy to help me and that's fine and I understand and I would be so happy for him

But I don't really have anybody else that checks up on me and really gives much of a fuck

I wish my grandmothers were still alive.

I wish they knew what everybody was doing to me. Because they listened to me and they cared and they took care of me and nobody else did.

I miss my dead best friend so much

She had a lot of problems but she had a really good heart and she actually gave a day of about me.

I'm so fucking tired of crying I'm so tired of living in this hell hole it used to be nice

I don't know how to get proof that my neighbor is running a day care

I don't know how to get proof about the noise level

They told me I shouldn't be videotaping to prove it but they want me to prove it and so how the fuck am I supposed to prove it

The security and courtesy officer won't come out and won't help with anything because he's a lazy son of a bitch I fucking hate cops

They don't do anything unless it's an emergency situation and then they'll kind of wake up out of their drunken wife beating stupor

Police are supposed to be fucking public servants we pay taxes about this I believe I don't know I've never done taxes my parents stuck me in medicaid and SSI when I was 25 and I never got a chance to try again and again to leave it home and try and get a job to save money to get my own place so I wouldn't have to rely on my fucking father and now I'm in a position where I can't even do any of that

Kitty even concentrate to pack boxes to move because everything is so loud and it's almost midnight and it's still loud and the security officer has already refused to come out so why does he even have this job he gets to live here for free he doesn't even patrol

I can't even call corporate till Monday

Feel terrorized in my own home by people outside of my home

I'm scared to smoke weed now that I'm prescribed because my psych had a fucking tantrum

I do wonder if the site that you work with is a lot more chilled out and understands but I have no clue

I would like to try the Academy and treatments my brain is already fucked up anyway who cares maybe you don't fucking kill some of my intelligence and give me a little bit Of like A lobotomy I don't know maybe I'll be happier if I'm dumber

The thing is Joshua I would try other medicines if I knew that they would possibly help me but I have literally been on everything we ran me through the Gambit

Nothing works why is that oh because I don't have any of those psyche problems that it treats or I'm just completely resistant to them or I just have some sort of wild ass genetic mutation I don't know

My geneticist wants to run a whole bunch of shit tests on me and I won't be able to do that till next Spring

My parents expect me to be financially independent as soon as possible and I'm like you guys I don't even know if I can accomplish that in 2 years because of all the trauma that I have and the things that I need to work out

And I need to do EMDR therapy to be able to process these things and if it doesn't work then I need to find another procedure or medication or something that shuts up my stupid vase of vague nerves

Because I know they're overactive I know my court is all and a journal in levels are probably fucking insane

And I know that I have been living in this state for far too long like I have been hypervigilance since I was a child

I don't know if there was a time where I wasn't

I barely have good memories and they're fleeting because all the bad memories have to take up the room because they're not being processed to the correct part of my brain and it's not fair

And I hate how other people could post about their mental issues on Facebook and everybody gives them encouraging messages and tells them they love them and heart reaction but if I do it I don't but if I do it oh Kim's just being crazy again and I have never even been actually crazy in front of these people it I'm so sick of it

I guess because I'm not a fucking addict I don't count.

I can't even get my apartment clean to have company over because I feel like as soon as it gets clean it gets fucked up again

I wasn't having any of these issues when I took adderall

It was taking like an infant dose

2.5 mg

It worked just fine for the first half of the day which is what I needed it for and then the rest of the day I was able to smoke weed cause I was on the registry

I have never had an interaction with any of these medicines I don't care how old I am I have weighed more than I do now and I have been in worship than I am now and there's still no mental problems that I get when I combine those things however I haven't been able to take to adderall for like over a year no and I am miserable because my brain doesn't shut the fuck up and I really miss it when it was quiet

And my anxiety medicine does like a whole bunch of shit for me it helps with my blood pressure it helps with my pain it helps relax me and it helps with my anxiety and PTSD so I don't see why the fuck I should have to get off of that medicine ever I really don't care if it gives me dementia I will sign a fucking contract saying that I don't fucking care and I won't Sue

You know it's frustrating because like even just talking about my medicines makes me worried because if you talk about your meds too much it makes you look like you're an addict

That's what I've always been told by other therapists and doctors because they think that my hyperfocus is that because I have an addiction issue and that is not the case ever

If I didn't have to take any medicine I would be so thrilled but this is what helps me this is what works and why fix something that isn't broken

Why is my psychiatrist being a fucking asshole to me.

By the way I signed paperwork so you can talk to him about whatever you want and I hope that you use that for good and no evil and that was a joke but didn't land how I thought it would

Maybe you can explain to my psychiatrist that there's a lot more going on with me than what he sees because I'm terrified of him

I actually prefer to see his daughter who is his PA

She was in the session today wanted to talk to her instead of him and every time I tried to talk to her she sat there with her mouth shut and didn't talk to me at all and I'm so confused about that

He seemed angry that I brought my mom to my appointment but I brought her there on purpose because I was terrified that they were gonna put me in treatment or something

And she was very helpful and told him that I do not belong in a psychiatric facility because it's terrible for people with PTSD and autism

I don't know why he told me that he was pretty sure I had autism but I needed to be tested for an actual diagnosis But it was better if I didn't have a diagnosis in my chart and I don't know how that makes any fucking sense

I miss social cues constantly I can't have conversations with people normally because of my autism and whatever else is going on with my brain

I cannot find Somebody that can test me for any of that I cannot Find a narrow psyche worth a damn that can Help me figure out if there's something neurologically going on with me in causing all the Issues

And then people forget that soriatic authorities and all of my other physical diagnosis cause brain issues as well they can inflame the brain

I feel like I'm going completely nuts and I don't like it

I don't want to wake up to people screaming tomorrow

I'm tired I just want to enjoy my weekends and relax I just want to enjoy my week and relax and do things I want to pack I can't pack

I want to stay up all night because that's when it's quiet but then I can't sleep during the day because everything is too loud

Even late at night it's loud and there's people hollerin

Like I've tried to think up every possible thing that I can come up with and nothing is a solution that I'm going insane because of this

Mean I even thought about living in a 600 square foot studio on East state street because it looked decent enough but $800 is too expensive for that says everybody so I don't know what I'm supposed to do and I don't like the fact that my dad gets to choose and then is gonna put my name on the fucking lease

He and my sister and my mom treat me like I'm being dramatic and I'm not I don't know how to act dramatic on purpose like they think I'm doing because me acting dramatic is very obvious because I act like an autistic person trying to mimic drama and it's not pretty it's just stupid looking

Everybody has these false narratives of me and their heads and I'm tired of that I'm tired of being judged by everything and everybody

I'm exhausted and I just want a break and I just want to sleep for a fucking week and I want somebody really nice to take care of the cats for me while I rest and I don't want to go to an awful hospital place

I'm not a danger to myself I'm currently not a danger to others yet

I'm scared I'm going to end up being a danger because I really need to get out of here

Like I need to move immediately

And it sucks because it's just gonna be my parents holding money and things over my head and making threats at me over and over again and then denying that they're doing that because they're fucking narcissist and they can't see what they're doing is wrong unless somebody they respect or a professional explains it to them properly because I don't count as somebody that knows anything about myself

I might as well be a pet or an object or shit on the bottom of someone's shoe

Why do people have to be so fucking cruel

I'm so sick of it I don't want to have to be resilient anymore

I don't want to be nice anymore

I don't want to make everybody happy anymore

I don't even know who I am or how to make myself happy

But it just feels like a lost child that just got raised by crazy strangers

And I feel so stuck and I can't even read my book that I got to help me because they just won't wing me alone

No onen is leaving me alone to rest I can't get any rest with the noise

I shouldn't be sitting here crying on a Friday ni stressed to hell and I missed so many things going on this weekend because I was too stressed out to do anything

Travis bought tickets for us to go to a show next Saturday and I don't even know if I'm gonna be able to go Because my sanity is on the fucking Fritz.

I mean with loud music it's different I can wear the ear protection and enjoy the music and there's a band I really want to see anyway and Travis paid for tickets for both of us

And I'm scared that I'm gonna be too anxious to go because a lot of people I know are going to be there and I don't know what to say to any of them when they ask me how I'm doing

I don't wanna see Bonnie or Jamie or fucking anybody who is an asshole

Because like I can't handle them and I'm either going to run away and cry or flip out and I don't want to flip out

The thing is everybody just thinks I'm crazy and it's like a distressed tolerance thing but no one has actually heard what I deal with because this is something that you couldn't even deal with most people can't even deal with this noise I don't know how my neighbors are like fucking angry as hell I guess because they're busy and their apartment layouts aren't the same as mine

I just need to move I need to move as quickly as possible I wish I could just find a place tomorrow and Go ahead and sign the fucking lease and just start moving My Shit just get my Bed moved in there and the cats moved in there and slowly moved the rest of my stuff so I can Sleep somewhere where it's fucking Quiet.

I'm scared that I'm going to have APTSD episode or flip out or something shitty like that

I'm so tired of people being shitty to me I'm so tired of it I don't know what to do II really don't know what to do about any of this shit

I've turned it over and over and over and over in my brain and I cannot find a solution

It doesn't matter if I call all the apartment places in town

Everything is dangerous and scary and nobody understands what I'm going through and I just want to be able to leave my apartment and get normal groceries without being overwhelmed for fucks sake

I want to be able to work on my art and I can't even do a job

This is crippling this is fucking crippling

I shouldn't have to figure out how to turn my closet into a quiet space to get away from all the noise

I haven't had any issues with this and I've lived here for 5 years.

And now I'm the racist bitch Karen that everybody hates hearing from and no one solves the problem so I'll quit calling

I'm sure if another person of color went to the office and had a giant tantrum that things would get done

And yes I do believe that people of color can be racist towards white people and I used to not think that but I've experienced it myself and it's not fun and I have never been awful to another person of color like that and I don't understand why people not even in that way come after me and treat me like shit

Like why does every experience I have have to be mostly terrible

I feel like nothing I do goes unpunished

I'm nice I get punished I mean I get punished I try to stay neutral I get punished I breathe wrong I get punished I speak wrong I get punished I can't read people's tones I get punished it's all punishment my entire life has been being punished

I don't even think my parents realized how incredibly fucked up they are

I wish for once a therapist would call them out on their bullshit and tell them off because I'm tired of not being heard or understood and repeating things that doctors have told me to my parents and they don't believe me because they need to hear It from the professional

I know my own body and my brain as much as I possibly can why would I be not a good source of information about myself

I don't even feel like my parents want to be my parents or want anything to do with me

I don't think they wanted anything to do with me for a long time

I feel like they planned me and then I became an accessory and then I gained autonomy and they didn't want to play with me anymore just set me aside with the other cabbage patch dolls

I mean our dogs got more attention than I did and my parents will argue with you all day long about that

I mean they not only hoarded things but they hoarded animals and before it was dog piss and shit all over the house

And my sister verbally attacked my mother because she got teased by kids in school because she smelled like cat piss and dog piss all the time because my parents couldn't wash her fucking clothes correctly and do anything to help her Actually they probably did more things for her than they ever did for me she has no idea what kind of abuse I went through

She really has no clue what I've gone through she has not experienced anything that I've gone through

She thinks that my dad telling her to get out of the car because she's probably being an asshole honestly and getting yelled at by him is the worst thing ever well he doesn't put his fucking hands-on her like he did me

And him helping me find an apartment it's not gonna win him his daughter back

I know what cycle is going on

It's just another abuse cycle

I wish that he had the intelligence to know that there is something wrong with him and to go get treatment foright like I wish someone would ask him well if you know you have these problems and you know that you can't control yourself and you know you did something wrong and you're mad at yourself then why don't you just go talk to somebody about it or take a fucking pill if that helps

I would give anything for my grandmother's to be here to just take me away from these people and help me but it's not possible

I'm so tired

[loser-female]

When I went off prozac I started having flashbacks.

SRI’s are clinically designed to cause dissociation and emotional shut down and repression of memories.

I’ve told folks I didn’t have withdraws and will sound contradictory by saying when I went off prozac I had flashbacks, but what happened is prozac gave me dissociative amnesia. I was sexually abused and then put on meds. I remember my memories slowly become shut down and repressed to where I “forgot” that I was molested as a child.

I hate how SRI’s are so heavily pushed. I don’t think most therapists (and 100% psychiatrist are not,) trauma informed.

SRI’s are sold based on a hypothesis that anxiety, depression, etc, are biochemical imbalances. They’re not… that is a hypothesis which is falsifiable by definition.

Dianthus stress model, in contrast, is a scientific theory (suggests our brains develop in early childhood around our environments.) it is a scientific fact. Yet whenever I suggest that I believe mental illness are rooted in early childhood trauma, I get mocked. But men have already said this numerous times, folks just don’t listen to women I feel like (like Daniel Mackler, Dr Gabor Matè, Charles Linden, etc etc.)

Yet even when I was studying psychology, my professor brushed over that and dismissed it.

Recovery just doesn’t sell.

Psychiatry is very patriarchal. Oppressed women act like oppressed people and are mediated.

Anxiety and depression are normal responses to oppression.

Internalized anger can lead to depression. I had a psych tell me this and stated this is why we more often see women with depression and in codependency groups, while men are in anger management. (If you’re a woman and externalize you’re a b*tch that’s why.)

Thoughts on pysch?

Like I honestly never found SRI’s helpful but when I went off of them at 19, it was my choice. My mother got obsessively angry and would tru to force me back in meds and I’d repeatedly tell her I was an adult. She put me on meds by the time I was in about 1st or 2nd grade.

Under the cut because I don't want to trigger anyone with my personal history of mental illness

Hi! So... You are actually preaching to the choir on all of this.

That being said, for a variety of reasons, I think my brain is just broken. My depression has always been very "mechanical", like you could tell that my brain was a broken clock. I just started to shut down and got to the point of sleeping 18 hours a day, with unaliving thoughts.

There was no other solution for me than take meds. I've started therapy because my illness made me act like a total jackass and it wasn't fair to anyone around me. It took me several years to get to the point of being a functional human, and I still struggle a lot daily.

When I say that my brain is a broken clock, I mean it with no self hatred it's just what it is. It just came out wrong and at this point, I don't think I can do better than what I'm doing now, unless they like, approve a super ADHD medication that makes me asymptomatic.

For trauma I'm doing wonders with EDMR btw, if you can access it. I've been abused by my educators because of my ADHD (psychological, emotional and verbal abuse, but also I kind of remember a couple of time where I got hit? But I'm not sure), and now I'm focusing on this.

I feel like I'm out of the woods now, and once I'm done with EDMR I'm going to just drop everything because I can deal with the things going on. I'm sick of seeing doctors and psychologists even if i had a good explanation with it. This is also why I'm stopping my SSRI, i don't need it.

Oh lord I forgot my point lol. So, I do agree that for a lot of women depression and anxiety are caused by oppression and trauma, and I hate the healthcare industry (even if in my country is not an industry). But two things can be true at the same time, and I do think a lot of people (don't ask me for a %, I wouldn't know) also develop mental illness for other reasons. I think I just came out this way for example because of how obvious my symptoms are.

And I'm sorry that those professionals act so dismissive, it's unscientific and bad practice. I hate how people are being given medication like it was candy - this is a problem. If I have a terrible mood because I don't know if I can pay rent for example, giving me happy pills won't help.

I felt incredibly betrayed when the review about the chemical imbalance came out btw because I feel like I should have been given this information and I wasn't. That would have been helpful.

And I really really hate to think of my difficulties as the result of bad things done to me, because I'm not sure I would be able to cope with it.

I hope this makes sense, I've been up since 5 am and I'm currently working.

[pye-mental-health]

MENTAL HEALTH SUMMARY REPORT

Timeline: 2021-2023

Challenges in my mental health during the years had impacted my growth both in a positive and negative way. I’ve seen so much change in me, I’ve conquered so many battles, and I’m willing to embrace for the newer challenges ahead of me.

Form 5 (AY2021/2022) was a year of either long ups and long downs. Simply put, there were months that I fell into a deep depression, but then I recovered from it as 2022 came.

My depressive episode was triggered by schooling & public examinations. The routine life I had to go through was overanalysed, I had a negative outlook on it due to various circumstances that led to such thinking. Firstly, my friend always complained about the school’s regulations, and compared the school to different countries’ schools. At the same time, many Hongkongers were leaving since they wanted to find more opportunities abroad. So did my friend. Given that she had a lot of negative outlooks about our school, at first I wasn’t really bothered by it, but after she left, the first stage that stems my depression was that I felt lonely, I subconsciously held onto those words she said because I couldn’t help but to agree. Our school in general restricts students of many things, like the Appearance, Confiscation of Cellphones before lessons, intense practice on Public Examination, and long hours of school. For me, it was also about the environment there. I always felt uncomfortable physically while in class, like stomachaches, lack of appetite, lethargy, and I didn’t really do a lot of things besides academics for most of the time. This in turn made me want to leave my school and leave Hong Kong for good because I couldn’t handle it anymore. I convinced my parents about such idea, but the answer was NO or the suggestion was to move back to the Philippines. In fact, I almost had the decision to return to The Philippines and study in the school my mom used to teach at, but I was faced with the rush of time and caused me to overthink a lot. I was at a crossroads. It also led to the point where I did a suicide attempt prior to the commencement of my Form 5 year.

I was lost. I had no clear decision and pathway. I did nothing much except using my phone and Ipad either watching videos & Netflix or making edits /recordings of my gameplay on Trainz Driver. I also called with my now ex-friend Jay a lot: He used to be my support network. (The reason behind our friendship ending will be discussed in a later part.) I had no energy, yet feeling anxious and guilty for not being in school. My mother used to always convince me to go back, and there are times she became really sad/angry about the fact that I couldn’t do so. On some occasions, like birthdays, I went to my friend’s birthday party and got myself drunk. I was really messed up. After all that happened, intervention came since my depression and anxiety was still severe. My parents didn’t know what kind of therapy would suit best for me, neither did I. However, they still brought me to a talk therapist. But as I went back to school, I was referred to a private psychiatrist thanks to my school principal. In early October, I was then started on antidepressant medications, sleeping medications, sedatives for anxiety and mood stabilisers. It was trial and error, so my medications would change from time to time.

My medications made my condition terrible at first. Apart from the anxiety and depression part, although I was already feeling tired, but upon taking them, I became even more tired. I also experienced unpleasant bodily sensations like heart palpitations, head buzzing, and stomach pains. So I became skeptical of my medications. I skipped them once, and I had terrible withdrawal symptoms like insomnia, restlessness, head and heart pain, and my whole body felt so buzzy. I experienced extreme paranoia about dying too. I constantly searched on the internet about my medicines’ side effects and I was shocked by the results I found.

[leclerqued]

I said it yesterday, Seb’s quotes were going to be the inspiration for this Monday Motivation. Mainly because I strongly believe that if we keep talking about Seb as a human, he is never leaving us for real. Yes, I am in denial and it hasn’t sunk in yet. I wanted to make a whole Daniel/Mick/Seb/Nicky Monday Motivation… but now I think I’ll shine a little spotlight on these beautiful quotes.

Yesterday I saw a TikTok that said ‘only six more weeks till 2023’ and normally it would give me the biggest rush of anxiety. “SIX WEEKS? But I haven’t achieved a whole lot and there is so little time…” But this year I am taking a different approach. Instead of just looking at the big things (like working for a company I loved, getting back on track with making myself healthier and of course getting my bachelor diploma last week), I am looking at all the small things that in hindsight made a big difference for my happiness and I want to ask you to do the same. I would love to hear the small things that made your January till November happier! 🧡

Here’s a small list of mine: I got closer with my friends since high school, I met new people and became close with them, I started doing these Monday Motivations and we became closer, I went on small little trips that are now big memories, I put myself out there and started this dating journey, I went to more concerts in a year than I’ve ever done, I started to take more pictures (no… I am not starting a babette.jpg even though I do think I could run a good account), I’ve seen more F1 cars in a year than I’ve ever done and most importantly I chose myself countless of times.

So, am I gonna give you a piece of homework this week? Yeah, I am! Write that list! Sit yourself down and write/record/sketch/whatever else a list of moments. Little moments of happiness and positivity to combat the stress of this year almost coming to an end. And if you feel like sharing, I’m a nosy bitch so… send them my way 🥰

Have a great week! 🍀

Ahhhh happy Monday baby!

I'm really sorry I missed your message last week. I've been working on a project that I hope will be worth the effort and I've been sleeping an awful lot. I went to my psychiatrist because I was having trouble getting asleep (thus causing my exhaustion during the day) so she adjusted my meds a bit and now it's a tad better even to the feeling of tiredness never leaves.

I must admit, yesterday gave me a ton of anxiety and when that overwhelmed me, depression. I know most people look forward to the end of the season mostly because of all the drama, but I wish I had a race every couple of weeks to look forward to, just to keep me away from bad thoughts.

Strangely, Christian Horner said something that calmed me down a bit: 2023 begins this week. And although we have to wait 100 days till the lights go out again, I feel that this winter break will bring us good news.

Or at least I hope so.

I didn't want to let Dan, Mick and Seb go, but at the same time I wish for Dan to make a great comeback. And for Seb to look at the possibility to be a TP for a certain Italian team...

But now, let's go back to your message!

Loads of stuff has happened since January and you're right, I haven't been looking at the little things that happened along the way: I found a research project to cooperate on with a professor that seems to have found something special in me and wants me to graduate soon. He also texts me for races and we comment on them. It's fun.

I finally found professional people to help me through my mental issues, I'm on medication and in therapy and my therapist made me feel less lonely now that I'm back living with my parents. I managed to get a couple of exams done too, fighting through my depression.

I adopted a cat. She's the love of my life now.

I finally visited my best friend in the city she's now living in.

I went back to play videogames and liking it. And met a new friend along the way.

And ofc I spent all the races having fun with all of you ❤️

Thank you for sending these messages. I really appreciate them ❤️ hope you have a wonderful week.

[naatizzle]

I mean, obviously.

Mood stabilizers were made to stabilize your mood, right? I mean, obviously.. what else would they be taken for?

Maybe I should’ve kept taking them. Maybe when I saw my psychiatrist last, I shouldn’t have lied and told her I was taking them. Maybe if I told the truth like I did that other time, she could actually help me.

Well, I learned my lesson. Or did I? I told myself this before and yet i find myself in the same situation except this time I’m like  / r e a l l y /  telling myself “Fuck, dude. You just had to take them and we wouldn’t be writing this blog post right now.” I feel like no one would know what I’m actually feeling unless you’re in my shoes. And if you are- please just take the damn meds.

The thing is, I’ve been taking pills for the past 16 years of my life. Not a day goes by where I didn’t swallow a (prescribed) drug. It’s got to the point in my life where 0.5mg of Xanax twice a day won’t calm me down all the time, 300mg of Trazodone won’t put me to sleep, 1,000mg of Tylenol won’t cure my pain, and I can still write an essay and get an A while induced with Hydrocodone. Besides that boring, sad fact, I really am just tired of pills. With the amount of pills I have to take daily, I just wish it could all be in a shot for my to drink and I’ll just chase it down with something. 

I’m honestly scared that as I get older, these medications will stop working. Especially my “brain medz”. What if I get so use to them that the mood stabilizers stop stabilizing my mood, the Xanax and anti-anxiety pills stop giving me peace, the sleepy meds don’t put me into R.E.M. anymore, my stimulants won’t keep me from being depressed? What if it all stopped instantly working? How would I ever feel that euphoria feeling ever again? My therapist would probably say something like, we have to internally work on it ourselves or something. That’s true. She has helped me with some of that stuff, not gonna lie. But that doesn’t take away the fact that I am in fact, so fucking tired of medication.

Okay Natasha, just take your meds. You know what’s crazy about mood stabilizers? It’s that if when I do take them as prescribed, I do start to feel A LOT better, but then that’s the thing. I start to feel so much better that I start to believe I don’t need them anymore. THEN that’s when it hits. I start to fall down into an emo version of myself (I’m not suicidal anymore, though) and I start to overthink everything. Life starts to feel pointless even with everything I love and strive for in front of me. I start to become numb at one point, still reminded of why I’m living, the thought of me still wanting to live, yet just not knowing what I’m doing with my life anymore. 

At moments I just want to quit my job, stay at home, and be dependent on someone keeping a roof over my head, food on the table, and clothes on my body. But then I tell myself that that’s not how life is suppose to be. As much as I want to quit everything and just wait for my boyfriend to come home so I can cuddle and bug him, my anxiety strikes and that’s where it becomes so contradicting. I start getting so anxious that I won’t find the opportunities that I have now so I can’t just stop and quit everything because everything I did to get where I am now will just vanish and go to someone else! I honestly can’t even think of being depressed without getting too anxious. And yet it has happened before though, so fair warning- if you sense it happening.. CALL MY PSYCHIATRIST (or tell my boyfriend so he can try to talk to me?).

Here’s the thing that’s different about me, I am  / v e r y /  aware of my symptoms and actions. If I’m not, then that’s another story to tell.. If I’m not aware of my symptoms and actions then I’m in a manic state which is MAYDAY MAYDAY SOMEONE CALL MY PSYCHIATRIST AND TELL HER I’M NOT TAKING MY MEDS. No seriously, especially because I have money in my bank now.. you’re gonna have to do that if I am in my bipolar manic state. Where was I? Oh, right. I’m aware of my symptoms and actions. Which really help my psychiatrist and therapist figure me out when I’m having a session with them. Siiiiiiiiiiigh,

I just need to take my meds.

Or I can hold off until Thursday since that’s when I see my psychiatrist and possibly talk to her about what I just wrote on this blog post.

Wish me luck,

I don’t know how to end these posts anymore.

For whoever reads this, please just know that I know I’ll be okay. It could be seasonal depression, it could even just be the rain, but trust me when I say that I still want to be alive. I just mentally (and physically) need the world to pause, let me do my thing, and then resume.

[kaijuno]

Im a girl, 15 yo, and last year I was under so much stress and extreme anxiety because I couldnt figure out why I was having insomnia. I couldnt stop overthinking each and every night, worry about everything and had to forcefully put myself to sleep which sometimes didnt work and I had to stay awake for 7 hs straight until I could sleep like 1 h. So I went to the doctor once, the woman there acussed me of being a irrational and annoying teenager and the second time I visited another one she just

gave me the stupidest most unnecessary therapist talk. When I spoke to the latter and tried to explain that I didnt even go there from my own will and actually decided to have medical attention ACTUALLY because my TEACHER was extremely worried about me (and she understood the causes of my insomnia from an objective, non-emotional perspective) she just, dissmised it. As if I was "inventing it to make it valid" or lying. Then proceeded to hear my mom's opinions instead of mine

Oh that’s another thing too. Doctors like to treat teenagers like trash when it comes to mental health. A lot of times they treat them like they’re being Dramatic Angsty Teens that just want Xanax or Adderall

I absolutely do not trust therapists at all because of this and just being talked down to like I had the emotional intelligence of a wet blanket pissed me off to no end. I eventually just went to seeing a psychiatrist and in my experience they have an approach more like “ok so you know what’s wrong with you more than me so what kind of drugs do you think will help” and I can skip all the being treated like a toddler bs

[charincharge]

I have lost the ability to be productive and this is not joke I just can’t do anything so I’d love some tips because I have a really big thing coming up next week and I really want to do well (if I don’t I suspect it will be very bad for my mental health) I can no. Longs just do things I can’t focus for long periods of time (but I have too in this case) and I need to do a lot of prep work before but that’s all I’ve been doing all week(but also not because I can’t focus for very long) 1/2

My inability to do anything has given me such bad anxiety and I feel like I’ve lost the ability to cope I used to face things head on and let the results be the results but now I tend to avoid and put off things and I get massive anxiety from it and I’m afraid I’ll get a bad panic attack on the day of so any tips on how to manage time, anxiety, and focus for my dumb ass 2/2

Oh no! I’m so sorry. This sounds so so much like my best friend, who went through a really rough bout of anxiety and depression and couldn’t focus or get things accomplished. It’s a longer term solution, but working with a psychiatrist to find the right medications realllly helped her. (And she is thriving again!)

But, I know that doesn’t help you right NOW. So, some more immediate solutions — make sure you’re getting enough sleep, water and nutritious food. That sounds so stupid but those three things can exacerbate your anxiety. Then, break down what you need to accomplish into smaller more manageable goals. Write the pieces all down and make deadlines for each of them. If there’s a way to make that fun, and you get a small reward after completing the pieces, my best friend used ordering out or getting a cupcake as a prize for finishing deadlines. I know I always feel really accomplished when I’m able to highlight something on my to do list (which means I’ve done it), and I feel really rewarded by seeing a fully highlighted page.

Getting started was always her hardest part because she suffered from perfectionism anxiety as well, which I don’t know if you do, but if you do, let me say that it’s better to get things done than to get them done perfectly. Push through the lack of focus just to get it done. I think the more you force that, the more easily it’ll come.

I have PTSD and get panic attacks fairly regularly, and I will say, I’ve been able to talk myself out of them just by saying NOT NOW (in my head lol) and breathing in slowly for four counts, holding my breath for four and exhaling for four. Also, pinching the fleshy bit between your thumb and forefinger back snd forth on both hands helps abate anxiety as well.

I don’t know if any of this will be helpful, but I believe in you and am pulling for you!!!

[charmingpplincardigans]

January Kitchen Sink Check In

This is mostly for me, because I’m trying to become a better person this year, for varying definitions of the term ‘better’, and I like to see my progress laid out all organized like. It helps me move forward. So I’m gonna go through my Body/Mind/Money goals for January and note how I did and what I’m going to do moving forward!

BODY

Working Out: 

My two work out goals for the end of the year are to 1) be doing yoga semi-regularly and 2) be working out four days a week reliably, including the yoga. I’m working on easing myself into these (and all) habits, because I don’t want to overwhelm myself and give up on everything, so my goal for January was to work out one day a week. And I worked out *drumroooooooll* NONE! NOT A ONCE. I don’t have an excuse for this. Part of it was stress, part of it was depression, part of it was sheer laziness. I promise myself I’m gonna work out at least once a week in February, but also shoot for the two times a week that is the February Goal. 

Food: 

I have several overall food goals for the year. One is to give up soda near completely, or at least to break my addiction to it. The others are to start planning meals and eat less meat. For January I wanted to drink only two sodas a day (20oz max). I managed that 23 days out of 31. In looking at the calendar you can reliably match the days I failed to the days that were extremely stressful or anxiety ridden. I have a very bad habit in those moments of throwing up my hands and deciding that I’m a failure anyway so nothing matters. That’s definitely a mental tick to keep an eye on over the next few months as my job no doubt just gets more and more stressful. The other goals I did okay with. I decided to plan one meatless meal a week. New recipes I made in January were: 

Black bean soup

Moroccan sweet potatoes

Spinach lasagna

Black bean & sweet potato enchiladas

Do recommend most of them. The lasagna had way too much cinnamon in it, which was kind of weird. If I make that recipe again I’m gonna quarter the amount. But I might just find a different veggie lasagna to make. 

For February I want to drop the soda to one a day (12oz max), and start to plan to make two meals a week. I’m doing okay with meat, but I could for sure do better. It helps that I have started making THE WORLD’S BEST SANDWICHES for lunch. Probably just gonna eat those forever instead of ordering out Huey Magoo’s or whatever. (The sandwich is hummus, cucumber, and feta on toasted Good Seed bread. Try it!)

Doctor Things:

Uff. I need to figure out the CPAP issues and the chest pain issues. I absolutely despised the first mask they sent me for the CPAP. It gave me panic episodes and I was ripping it off IN MY SLEEP. Insurance refused me a new mask until April, but my doctor came in like an angel with a sample version of a different type of mask to try. This one is...better. I’m still not comfortable in it and it’s not appreciably helping my sleep. People keep telling me it’s going to change my life, but that has not happened yet. On the other hand I have friends who’ve tried to make them work for YEARS and never did, so I’m wary of this whole process, but still trying. 

I had a sort of fraught meeting with my cardiologist last week. My chest pain symptoms had been getting better as of October, but with the change in my job I’ve back slid almost entirely. I had a 36 hour period of chest pain two weeks ago. I go whole nights having every heart attack symptom in slow motion, but doing nothing about it because I can’t afford for the ER to tell me I’m fine five times a month. I cried when she asked me why I didn’t go to a hospital when that happened. I feel so helpless all of the time and I’m certain I’m going to die any day now, even though my heart is technically physically fine. Can you anxiety yourself into a heart attack? I THINK YOU CAN. She did tell me to try to speak to the psychiatrist again about anxiety medication. The last time I tried the woman I saw didn’t want to prescribe me anything. She told me to work on my sleep and come back. Welp! The cardiologist said that if that happens this time she’ll write a note telling her to prescribe me something. We’ll see. I need to try to make that appt this month. 

MIND

Therapy:

My therapist thinks I’ve done really well over the last year with working on myself and said out loud that she thinks I’m better at dealing with some things and am in a good position to move forward. But I’m so stressed right now that I just feel like I’ve fallen apart again. We’re meant to start on EMDR this week, but I’m going to have to put a pause on it so I can talk about how I’m at like, the lowest point of my life, which she will be very supportive of and then probably remind me that if we could just get to the EMDR and work with the older traumas this might not feel so dire. I’m just, on the struggle bus and too tired to do anything but freak out about that. 

Writing: 

I have so may creative goals this year! Too many probably! I should put some back! My creative goals for the year are:

Complete a rough draft of AMLD (10,000 words a month)

Complete and mail out the Girls Who Date the Universe chapbook

Complete and mail out any remaining art for people who helped me with the car fund

Work on poetry and short fictions (Monster Story?)

Actually check in to @gywo every month (10 days a month goal)

My creative goals for January were to write 10,000 words on AMLD, work on the extra poems for GWDTU, and send the remaining postcards from the car fund. And uh...look. I did work on writing. I worked on the chapbook layout and editing pieces that needed to be edited/replaced, because there are several. I did also work on the outline for AMLD, but didn’t write new words on it. Not anywhere 10,000 of them at any rate. 

The owing people art thing is just...it fucks me up, man. I have learned a huge lesson between the car fund and the patreon. I get so in my head about how these people deserve beautiful things and then I tell myself I’m not capable of making things worthy of them and then I put off doing the thing because I want to put off letting them down and then it just spirals from there. ALL THE WHILE I AM FOR SURE LETTING THEM DOWN. I realize this is both unhealthy and unprofessional. It’s why one of my goals this year is to clear all of this once and for all so that I can square myself away with everyone and try not to end up here in the future. 

So, the January Goals now get rolled up into the February Goals, which leaves the new list for the month at: 

10,000 words AMLD

Complete extra poems for GWDTU

Send postcards from car fund

Complete layout for Boston chapbook for car fund

I did check in for GYWO. 

Future Plans:

Part of letting off the pressure for the now for me is always about planning for the future. Not like, the actual future, I’m not starting a 401k, let’s not go nuts. But for something that is one step forward. In my notes for my year goals this is all about moving back to Boston. I need to set a date for it. I need to save money for it. I need to keep my job until after I’ve done it. But now I think this part needs to include notes about my job itself and the ways I can either move forward with it or move away from it once and for all. 

I talked to Lisa and Kait at the beginning of the year about the moving plan, and now I just need to talk to my apartment complex to see if it would be feasible to extend the lease to December or February without paying an exorbitant amount in rent each month. If rent ends up being more than $2k/mo for the extension then I’m just going to have to have to wait until June 2022. This frustrates me, because I hate not being able to just follow through with decisions once I’ve made them, but patience is another thing I’m working on eternally. My goal for February is figure out money stuff well enough and talk to complex and set a timeline. 

Work is. Wow. It’s awful right now. I still have my job, which takes up much of my days, but because of re-org I’m also having to learn a whole new job which would also take up much of my day. I can’t not learn this job, because the person who used to do it is in another department now too, so there’s no one to get the work done if I don’t learn to do it. But I also can’t do both. I CAN’T DO BOTH. An issue popped up last week with my job that literally brought my ulcer back. I asked my boss for help with it and she sent me a message at one point saying she wanted to cry about it. So like. She knows now, right? She knows I can’t do both jobs?? BUT THERE’S NO ONE ELSE TO DO IT SO I GUESS I JUST GET TO SLOWLY KILL MYSELF. I’m just so frustrated, and angry that these decisions get made without taking the people in them into account, and of course anxious and miserable. I’m currently dreading work in a way I haven’t since I was in text perms. It’s real bad. So I have to find a way to make it work or find a way out. 

My February approach to that is to finish this Love It or Leave It book and see if I can’t divine where my true motivation lies, and also to research library school. I kind of would rather not go back to school. Not because I wouldn’t spend my entirely life in school if I could. I WOULD. But because it’s expensive and time intensive and there’s no promise my life will be better after it’s over. But every job I think I want pretty much requires that masters, so. We’ll look into it at least. 

MONEY

Eating Out:

During the pandemic, one of my money sinks became DoorDash. I never used it before, because it costs literally twice as much as just going to get the food. (Also because I kind of like eating in restaurants alone. Ah, one day again I hope!) But the more afraid I became of the outside world, the less inclined I was to go into a restaurant to pick up take out, so I’ve had it brought to me. And I need to cut that shit out! I have food at home! My goal for January was to order out only 4 times a week. I managed this for three of the weeks, but when I blew it it was definitely those weeks at the very beginning and very end of the month where I was super stressed. The goal in February is to only order out 3 times a month.

Savings:

I need to open a high yield savings account. I’ve had the starting money for the move just sitting in my bank account making me no extra money for like, four months. The latest reason I haven’t moved it over is that I’m worried I’m going to owe a lot in taxes this year because of the partial unemployment I got. Hopes are that since it was a work share the taxes were taken out ahead of time, but I do not trust the government with my money as far as I can throw them, so. I’ll do my taxes this month and finally know for sure. And then I WILL move the rest of the money into a high yield savings account. I WILL. 

Also, every time my credit union savings hits a grand, I’ll move $500 of that over into the high yield account to put toward moving expenses. 

Budget:

I keep meaning to sit down and work out my new budget for 2021. I’m bringing home a little bit less in my paycheck because I changed my health insurance, and I’m also, of course, trying to save as much as I can ahead of moving so I don’t put anything on credit cards. (I’m doing so well paying those down!) This means I need to save everything I can and not spend money on stupid frivolous stuff. I’m not buying clothing like I did in the before times, but I AM spending too much money at Target still, because the app lets me just peruse any dumb idea I have and then pick it up that day! What a disaster! So, I really need to work something out. Or at least, I need to check my bank accounts more often and keep tabs on how much is actually going out. I have a bad out-of-sight-out-of-mind habit when it comes to bank accounts. Just another piece of me to try to cure this year.

And that’s it for January. I’m now late to bed because I’ve been working on this post for an hour and a half. Working on my sleep is also a goal, but we’ll see how exercise and the cpap handle that. Til next month!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #399

“i was raised by the devil’s own kin, taught me that a good time was never a sin”

Do you like wine? NOOOOOOO that shit is gross. Explain the grossest thing that's ever happened to you? Having an infected pilonidal cyst drained. Would you rather go on holiday somewhere warm or somewhere cold? Cold, for sure. What would be your ideal pet? I reeeeaaaally want a very visibly sunset morph ball python one day. The really pretty ones are expensive as fuck, but omg, I want one so badly. What was the last book you were required to read for school? The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. It was fantastic. Would you chew somebody else's gum? EW FUCK NO. What was the last type of meat you ate? Chicken. How old were you when you had your first kiss? 16. At what age would you allow your kids to dye their hair? Whenever they wanted, as long as a professional did it. Which fast food place do you eat at the most? Probably McDonald's. Bats are not spooky or are they? I adore bats. Do you like the song "Womanizer?" Unabashedly, yes, haha. I love the beat and it's really catchy. Do you know how to change a tire? Nope. How big is your backyard? Very small. What is your favorite Nintendo 64 game? I've actually never played a Nintendo 64. If you want children, what are some of your reasons for wanting them? I don't want any. Does a career in finance sound interesting to you? Absolutely not. When you cook a dish that has beans in it, do you prefer to use canned or dry beans? I. HATE. Beans. What’s something that makes absolutely zero sense to you? Those that deny the existence of dinosaurs. Fossils don't lie. Do you like strawberry shortcake? No. What’s your favorite dessert? That's so hard, but probably cheesecake. What’s the last you got out of the freezer? Vanilla ice cream. Do you know anybody who is ambidextrous? Sara. Have you ever been 4-wheeling? Yes. Will you be attending any weddings in the near future? No. If you have glasses, have you ever smashed them? No. What was the last thing you got a really good deal on? My APAP mask. Insurance covered it way more than even the women in the office were used to so had to look into it. Insurance has been nice to me lately, from TMS to this. What was the last reason you took medicine? I had a massive headache. Any important birthdays coming up? My older sister's was today, and her eldest daughter's is in two days. Mark's birthday is the 28th, and that's like a holiday in my book lmao. What colour are your headphones? These earplugs are pink. How do you express your creativity? I mostly write RP and rarely poems. I also like to draw sometimes, and I'm big into photography. Gypsies or gnomes? Gypsies. Dragons or fairies? Dragons are my favorite mythological creatures. Elves or pixies? Elves. Where is your favourite place to get breakfast? Maybe Cracker Barrel? Or Waffle House. What was the first sport you learned how to play? I want to say soccer. I hated it. Nickname you’re called the most? "Britt" is the most used. Do you sleep on your stomach? I can't now with my mask. -_- That's how I usually slept. Have you ever been called a bitch? Yes. Would you ever want a super-realistic baby doll? Fuuuuuuuuuck no. I don't like dolls, never mind realistic ones. Ladybugs or bumblebees? Ladybugs. <3 What is the best thing that ever happened to you? My first round of a partial hospitalization program and meeting my psychiatrist. Both that therapy and proper medication is the reason I'm alive. What is something really hurtful someone you love has said to you? That I was an "ungrateful bitch." What Facebook groups have you found the most helpful? One for advanced ball python husbandry. There are some SERIOUS elitists in there, but it does have great information. Did your mom ever own a typewriter? I think she did? We used to have one, so. What would you have your bridesmaids wear? Maybe orange. I want to wear a black dress and get married in the fall, so, Halloween vibes! :') Where do you want to go on your honeymoon? I think Alaska. Do you wear a watch every day? I never do. Have you ever personally been a victim of homophobia? No, thankfully. Not yet, anyway. Do you think you’d be happier if you had a pet? I am much happier with pets. Were you ever hospitalized as a little kid? No. Have you been hurt more by friend break-ups or romantic break-ups? Romantic ones. Who is/was the best friend you have ever had? Sara. Do you own a trenchcoat? No, but I wish. They're badass. Name the hardiest piece of technology you own? My iPod that I've had since middle school. That bitch STILL works, and I use it heavily. Are you currently in a smoking environment? No; people aren't allowed to smoke in our house. Have you ever owned a tire swing? No. Does anyone you know own a bird that can talk? My old friend Alex did. I don't know if I can call her my "friend" anymore because I haven't seen or heard from her in well over a year at the bare minimum. Do you ever not speak to someone because you’re afraid you’ll annoy them? STORY OF MY LIFE. Is there any drama going on in your circle of friends? No. But I don't really have a "circle" of friends to begin with. Have you ever lost your luggage at an airport? No. Have you ever been on a rollercoaster that actually scared you? I don't go on rollercoasters. If given the opportunity, would you act in a commercial? No. Do you believe in finders keepers in most situations? No. How many pills do you currently take a day? Ugh... Now keep in mind this number encompasses medications that I just have to take a larger dose of that particular med; I don't take this number of different prescriptions. AS a whole though, I take uhhh. Somewhere around nine or ten in the morning, and six at night. I might be off about my morning pills. What do you take medication for? Bipolarity and depression, anxiety, OCD, severe heartburn, even more intense nightmares, uhhh... maybe I'm forgetting others? Idk, man. I'm on too many. Have you ever had a bag stolen? No. What class from high school did you love the most? Art. What class did you hate the most? Economics. If you don’t have a car, do you wish you did? Not at this very moment, because it'd be useless as I don't currently drive. Have you ever had a job you loved? Nope. What, if anything, do you substitute for fries? I just eat normal fries when they're offered. Have you ever been in a building that was on fire? No. Have you ever written a poem for someone? At least twice. Have you been best friends with someone of a different race? Yes. Who’s the last person who cussed you out in anger? I think only my grandmother has done that. Who is the person you are closest to that you’ve meet online? Sara. Have you friended your parents on FB? Mom, yes, while Dad doesn't have one. What do you absolutely have to have to make your birthday feel special? My family. Mice or roaches? I love mice, but roaches creep me out. Have you ever received a gift and truly did not know what it was? Yes. A family friend is good at that. Is there anyone whose grave you visit? No. Do you like being in pictures? NO. Do you travel a lot? Not at all. Have you ever eaten a dog treat? No. I've eaten a guinea pig treat though, haha. And it wasn't awful. Have you ever wanted to get drunk and get your mind off everything? Yes, but turns out my alcohol tolerance is too high while only liking weak alcohol to begin with. Have you played cards recently? No. Is there a certain song you like to headbang to? I don't do that, I'd get way too dizzy, and besides, I don't want a headache. Anything you might be giving up on soon? I've been wondering if I should (for the most part) abandon human photography. I've lost so much passion for it, and besides, I feel like I'm going nowhere with it. I know I really, really shouldn't, though. Have you ever captured a moth? I put a caterpillar in one of those little plastic habitats once as a kid that grew into a moth. I then released it, of course. When was the last time you changed your picture on Facebook? It's been months. Do you have a really fat cat? No, he's healthy. Do your initials spell a word? No. Have you ever made a business card for yourself? No. Did you love playing hide and seek as a kid? Yes, that was my favorite! Are there any recipes you have memorized? No. Do you know your multiplication times tables? No. Do your parents allow you to have your privacy? Yes. Have you ever been severely burned? No. Did you ever dream that you had a baby? I've had many, actually. Guess with who. What was the weirdest thing you've ever seen cross the road? I want to say a turkey? Or maybe it was beside the road.

[avelera]

Thank you so much for your quick and thorough answer!! It was so incredibly helpful! I do have a few things holding me back from immediately seeking out a psychiatrist right now but otherwise, I think I'll do some research to look for someone in my area. About finding the right medication: Does the process of finding the right medication interfere with every day tasks and professional work? I've heard people say that finding the right medicine/dosage can be a long rollercoaster-like process at times and it kind of scares me that I might be... worse off than I am now, even if temporarily. Again, thank you so much for talking about this! This is so helpful and I've just been feeling more lost than usual lately about this.

So my process around the "right medication" had to do with the fact my Awesome Psychiatrist (to be distinguished from the one who was just like, yeah sure, and gave me the meds I asked for but was close to retirement and didn't gaf about helping me find the right fit) diagnosed me as having ADHD comorbid with anxiety as well. So what we were trying were some anti-anxiety meds mixed with adderall (they treat different brain chemicals so it wasn't a risk or anything) to see if we could find a correct mix there.

The biggest "disruption" for me, personally, was the standard anti-anxiety meds DID work but they also killed my libido and made me want to jump out of my own skin I was so uncomfortable. But damn if I was not anxious. I basically told her it was NOT worth it, I'd rather be anxious. We then tried another one I could use just once in a while if I had a stressful day coming up and it basically put me to sleep immediately lol so that didn't work. Bupropion was the best one, basically just gave a kick in addition to the single-release vyvanse and did brighten my outlook somewhat. Ultimately though it was so hard to tell the difference it almost wasn't worth it so I dropped that and just stuck to vyvanse.

The change came when I got a new job, ironically, that didn't cover Vyvanse so we decided to try one more thing. She asked if I'd ever tried extended-release adderall (that's often given first as I understand) and when I said I hadn't we tried that. BOOM. INSTANT IMPROVEMENT. My alcohol cravings went away, the meds started being more than a too-strong cup of coffee with a bad crash and turned into actual RAILINGS that helped me function as a human being. I tend to take them around 6/7am, about an hour before I need to be up for work (I work from home). Then I go back to sleep. Then the adderall wakes me up naturally and I feel AMAZING like I just woke up refreshed at the normal time because I could (not like the effed up circadian rhythms adhd usually gives!) and it's been a revelation. I still go without sometimes like on a slow weekend, because I do sense it building up sometimes and can get a bit tense when that happens, but that's still like one or two days off a month generally. Oh, and it got rid of about 90% of the anxiety too!

So that was my process! I can't speak to everyone else. Also, if cost is a concern, check out ADHD support groups too. I've never gone to one but I imagine they're cheaper and can help point you in the right direction. Also don't be afraid to say in your inquiry (<- the site I used) to a psychiatrist what your financial situation is. If they're not a match they'll usually point you to someone who is.