#nick never ever escaping any of these scenes btw

[yrsonpurpose]

rwrb looks a little different here

[harpersplay]

4x14 Thoughts

I touched on this before, but context fucking matters. Even though it erased Annie's class & Ruby's race while using Beth's momness and whiteness as a shield, the speech in 1x02 works because it's life and death. It works because these women have just been thrown into this scary world and Beth makes a desperate but savvy (she picks up on Rio being more than just a gangbanger and appeals to his business side) plea. She uses what she can (Annie has never brought orange slices to any game ever, let's be real) and saves the day. And yet we see how terrified she was even after it worked. IT WAS AN UNREAL SITUATION THAT FELT REAL. Beth's recent "boss bitch" moments do not work because it's just her fully leaning into the smug entitled white lady role. I feel like too many fans ignore 2x13-3x02. The threat of Rio (and the FBI) was GONE as far as Beth knew. But she decided to do crime. Ruby was stealing from her workplace. Beth was putting Dorothy and Lucy at legal risk by using her store and her work, respectively, to commit crimes without telling them. That's who Beth is. So reframing her actions in S3 & S4 as simply reactions to evil Rio trying to ruin her life not only removes Beth's agency. It is also hollow. Because Beth has zero problem with crime—stealing Gayle's business, bribing a city official, hiring a hitman, setting up an innocent man to be a murderer, making Dean "sell" a hot tub to Mick, selling counterfeit purses, blackmailing men into buying those purses. Beth has a problem with not getting her way. And that's not enjoyable to watch. This is not me saying Beth has to be likeable as in a "good" person. But she has to be likeable to watch. Mary Pat is a total weirdo with very questionable morality, but she's enjoyable to watch. Vance is fucking creepy as shit, but he's enjoyable to watch. And while the show gave both those characters some dimension, it never portrayed them as characters we should unabashedly cheer for. That's not how they write Beth. They still—four fucking seasons in—want us to see her as a mom just trying to survive. But that's not the story plotwise that they have chosen to write. And the fact that Beth's "wins" are almost always at the expense of other women or POC is an added gross factor.

The show needs to make up it's mind about the monetary situation. Either things are dire and they are saving every penny to "escape" to Nevada. Or they have enough money to refurbish Sweet P's and buy Kenny an iPad.

Detroit city council is by district. Why do they keep referencing Ward 5?

Nice of the show to have Dave & Phoebe literally walk thru the situation. Super FUN! that the women who have been in this for years (per date revealed in 4x13) still don't understand how it works. The only way I like this scene is if it is a meta commentary about how the majority of the show stans have never understood how any of the crime aspects work 🧐 And I see that the show is yet again ignoring Turner's whiteboard and everything else implied about Rio's business dealings in S1.

Phoebe's no Turner, but I've never disliked her. She was really good in this episode, but the Phoebe/Beth stuff from stans is annoying. Why are people so into ships where Beth is awful to the other person and yet the other person is willing to risk things for Beth? Wait...I think I answered my own question.

So much wasted time on these MRA guys. I guess they don't need to be ~mysterious~ and I love (I don't) the casual misogyny in all their scenes. Preemptive GTFOH: I know—believe me, more than I want to—that men like this exist. I know it is realistic. But, again, as I mentioned before, the show is more than happy to ignore all types of realism to make the story they want to tell work. So don't tell me that this is simply a reflection of society. Jenna & Co are choosing to write this storyline in this way and she thinks it is fun and comedic.

The show is about the 3 women and anyone asking for more screen time for Rio is a misogynist. One minute spent on Annie's new shitty white male love interest popping her pimple = crickets.

The show is about the 3 women and anyone asking for more screen time for Rio is a misogynist. Dean having the reasonable response to Beth running for city council while she dismisses his legitimate concerns = crickets.

And, btw, Denise doesn't need secret insider information. Even if Dean's police records are sealed—why tho?—the two extremely visible daytime raids on the family businesses would have been on the news. And—gag!—Beth's visit to Denise was hella stupid. Denise is not a criminal, like the girls were in S1, so she has no narrative reason not to call the cops on Beth & her "thug." It was a shallow parallel and just another example of Beth needing a man to handle things for her.

I mentioned in my 4x13 thoughts about how the Sweet P's "fun and empowering...unlikely feminist statement" is bullshit. The girls, specifically Ruby, spent a lot of time judging the dancers. Beth straight up mocked Krystal's voice. They didn't care about implicating them in crime or costing them their jobs when they set up Gene to take the fall for the money laundering. They only "care" now because they need them.

Annie & Nancy's scene would have been nicer if Annie didn't imply that Greg(g)'s cheating was Nancy's failure. Again, they could have had them talk about the cheating and difficulty that Nancy went through as an example of a hardship she overcame. But they CHOSE to have Nancy explicitly frame the business disaster as a personal failing. So having Annie respond with the infidelity doesn't come across as tough love. It comes across as needlessly callous and victim-blaming.

This is long already, so I'm not even going to get into the Beth & Rio conversation at Sweet P's.

Ugh, Rio & Nick. So fucking dumb. Where was Nick before all of this? Why is he flexing his muscle now? With what we've gotten of his characterisation & attitude, are we to believe that this is the first time in 20 years that Rio & Nick have clashed? I would think that he would have been very concerned and involved when Rio drew the attention of the FBI. But Nick was nowhere to be found. (Because these writers don't understand the difference between retconning and world expansion.) Although I did get a chuckle when Nick said, "You think you'd have any of this?" while gesturing to Rio's usually empty bar.

Yet again, no cameras in an area that would most likely have cameras. And white woman Beth implicating gangs (which to cops = Black & brown youth) with her "broken windows theory" scare tactic is disgusting.

Caribbean flair and Mahalo. I'm so goddamn exhausted at this point.

Hello, Random Bitch Wife. FUN!

Hey, speaking of context matters....that entire last scene Beth is actively working with Phoebe & Dave to send Rio to prison. Romance!!!

[go-ldy]

Hola, lmao you're right I send the Archie fixing Betty and the slow burn I hope bot being annoying I just knew that your answers will be interesting and truthful. I don't know I like the way you see the things ( am i agree a slow burn it's not a couple take to long to be together, need a constant development at this point barchie it's more a will they or won't they)+

+ I love you fanfics, I would like to stop watching Riverdale and just read it but sadly bughead caught me and I can't escape (I'm not even trying) . Okay I wanted to ask you about the blaming jughead for Betty's actions (extortion Cheryl or the serpent dance) but I felt that it was related to the corrupting Betty theme or the jughead it betty in danger with the investigations (he just wanted that she help him to change a tire not brought her to a drug business btw and in this town everybody is

+ her to a drug business btw and in this town everybody is in danger) but I know that you probably gonna have a good ☕️ about this: warning falice/bughead and the "incest"(sorry for the testament and for my English, its not my first language)

Aw, well thank you! I’m so pleased you like my fic. If only the Riverdale writers would hire me, I feel like I could help them out so much lol. And I have enjoyed answering your asks!

Regarding Betty’s extortion/blackmail of Cheryl or the Serpent dance, I truly don’t know how Jughead could be blamed for any of these things without diminishing Betty’s agency and independence. Yes, she did those things for Jughead, but who in this show has not done some morally questionable things for the people they love? No one blames Fred for Archie’s choice to take up vigilantism in his name. No one blames Jughead for Gladys taking Penny’s eye. No one blames Veronica because Archie assaulted Nick St. Clair etc. 

Personally, I am fascinated by how far Betty and Jughead would go for each other. I think it would be damn far. Betty blackmailing Cheryl to get FP out of prison was definitely a pretty morally grey choice. FP is someone who probably did deserve to be in prison for his role in covering up Jason’s murder. But you know what? I don’t think Betty will spend a day in her life regretting it. And I don’t mind that. Actually, I love my morally questionable teenage sleuth who will go to the ends of the earth to protect the man she loves. Give that shit to me lol.

Jughead definitely is not to blame for the Serpent dance either, but that particular plotline was an awkward stumble by the writers (along with Betty’s brief foray into webcamming) who, I think, wanted to portray a story of Betty trying to explore her sexuality but just... doing it poorly. I think we can assume that after Betty and Jughead reconciled in season 2, they had a very healthy sex life and Betty has been able to explore her sexuality in a safe and loving way since then. But the fact that the writers told that particular story in a fumbling, sexist way is not Jughead’s fault lol.

Jughead actually has incredible respect for Betty’s agency and abilities. I mean, he will FUCK YOU UP if you look at her the wrong way or hurt her, but he’s never considered her a damsel in distress who needs to be saved. Actually, one of my favourite underrated Bughead moments is when he and Archie have fled Riverdale in Season 3 and Archie is like “sounds like Betty needs help maybe you should go home” and Jughead just looks at him and his answer is like “Betty can look after herself, but you can’t go five minutes without getting kidnapped.” It’s a great answer. It’s true. I love Archie-in-distress. And is it later that episode where Archie does in fact get kidnapped by that farm girl and needs rescuing from Jughead? Jughead knows what his best friend is about.

And I think that dynamic is part of the tire changing scene that you’re talking about - Jughead is very much “well, Betty can protect herself and make her own choices” and Archie’s default is to be her protector. Look, I can see why some would interpret Jughead’s actions as thoughtless in that moment, but one of my favourite things about him is his high regard for her abilities.

Somewhat tangentially, if you look at what caused Bughead trouble in season 2(a), it came from both of them wanting to protect the other from their supposed darkness. Betty wanted to protect Jughead from what was going on with the Black Hood. Then Jughead wanted to protect Betty from his initiation into the Serpents. But he later tells her that he was wrong, that he should not have been trying to protect her from his “darkness,” that she can handle it. And since that moment, their relationship has been so strong. It’s wonderful. Except for 4x17. But let’s not talk about that. 

As for Falice and Bughead (or bugcest as I once received in an ask from an anon), I don’t actually have a lot to say? Is it weird that Betty and Jughead share a brother? Yeah. But they are not biologically related in any way, they did not grow up together as siblings, and Charles came into their lives a few years after they had been together. Neither they nor anyone else on the show ever treated Charles’ existence as some kind of obstacle to their relationship so.... like, why does fandom? If Bughead aren’t concerned by it then why should we be.

That being said, it is not exactly peak parenting that Alice and FP decided to just hop into things together without having a single conversation with their kids about it first. Alice and FP have not been good parents over the years. At times, they have been truly terrible parents. And they both know their kids have found something wonderful and loving and stable with each other and... like, maybe they should have thought about that before getting together? At least had it give them pause? At least talk to their kids to see how they feel? But no. They did not do any of those things. 

That said, @thatiranianphantom‘s One Big Happy Smith-Jones-Cooper Family series of fics is a sheer joy and a light in my life. 

[know-the-way]

can we get a “do not despair” post for spellwood too?? feeling pretty sad after part 3 and would really like to hear how they could turn it around

Sure! Strap in - this is gonna take some turns. And if Spellwood/Blackwood ain’t your thing, just leave m8 - it’s not for you.

Right. So.

Honestly, at this point - the only thing keeping anything about this ship afloat in canon is their history. We know they have one, but we don’t know much about it. I had really hoped, since they had cast an actor to play young!Faustus, that meant we’d be getting a backstory. But apparently, all we were getting was a 20 second scene that reveals very little.

However, it does reveal something.

1. The book Faustus had was clearly referencing old world Gods & goddesses and it would seem - his interest/study of the mystical (i.e. eldritch terrors) dated back to when he was a boy. Along with pretty much everything else about him, I would very much like to know WHY he had the desire to study that. Why was he so desperately searching for power at such a young age? And why was he looking for it beyond the religion he was born into, which gave him the gift of magick and promised limitless power to the “worthy” already? In essence - Faustus, WHO HURT YOU. Considering his view of women, I’m gonna guess whoever hurt him was one. Maybe his mother? Maybe both of his parents? Idk, but the little shit definitely got fucked over somewhere in his youth by someone he probably trusted. Said it before and I’ll say it again - he practically screams ‘child abuse victim’ (a la Draco Malfoy, if you need a reference) and I’ll stand by that until I’m proven wrong.

(I was also really struck by the line “that boy knows nothing of true Hell” which Faustus says to Lucifer after Nick beats him in the witch’s cell. What hell has Faustus been through himself in order to say that?)

2. That scene also showed us Zelda & Faustus studied together and were familiar enough with each other to notice a change in attitude (“why are you in such a snit?”) and snipe back & forth from what appears to be a very young age. Which seems to suggest they spent a fair amount of time together at (and possibly before) the Academy. Not a shocking or new revelation really, except it kind of confirms their relationship wasn’t a whirlwind romance and that Faustus asking for Edward’s permission to marry Zelda wasn’t on a whim.

The main questions I have following that scene are if that excerpt he ripped from the book was actually about Hecate and her power. If so, is her power more vast than we even understood by the end of part 3 (i.e. can even she defeat eldritch terrors)? And could the reason Faustus got so upset reading it be that it said only women can call on Hecate, thus thwarting his search for an absolute escape?

Something confirmed about interacting with mystical entities is that they can/will drive you mad. Ambrose says this after Sabrina returns from her quest and finds everyone dead - “Blackwood was driven mad and feral by his insane worship of those eldritch terrors he prays to.”

And if mysticism can drive you mad - and he’s studied/sought these things out since he was a boy - it stands to reason that he’s been slowly feeding and incubating that madness until it finally fucking snapped.

(Side note - an Acheron configuration, which will also drive you mad, is an arcane device from ancient magick, too. So maybe Edward studied these things with Faustus at one point together? Curious.)

We saw him experience a big and sudden shift in part 2 - where his faith in the Church of Night waned with every challenge to his authority by Sabrina. Things had been going along fine the 15 years or so of him being high priest, that maybe he was finally starting to trust his faith in the Lord Satan, until Sabrina showed up and started meddling with the order he’d established. And THEN - in a last ditch effort to take back control and become anti pope, she interferes again and Satan himself doesn’t even seem to care how heretical she’s been.

So back to the eldritch terrors he goes - setting a contingency and pledging his loyalties to them in exchange for protection and power. But they also want an offering (“oh, they like offerings, yes they do”). Proof of loyalty by blood. Solution - poison the coven. Here’s your offering - an entire building’s worth of souls. Bing, bang, boom - “we’ll hide you in this cozy time rift at Loch Ness and siphon every last bit of sanity out of you while you’re there. Oh gosh, they’ve found you and taken our gift egg from you. Well, we can’t have a repeat of that, so while you go pursue it - make sure you get rid of any ties to this reality that you may have. Anything that would hold you back from the glory we’re promising you. Destroy them all, if necessary. The twins can stay ‘cause you’ve raised them to be insane, too, okay off you go!”

But what’s this got to do with Spellwood? Well. The two go hand in hand, the way I see it and here’s where the very small bit of hope for them as a couple (very small) lies.

It’s apparent that, at least somewhere in their history together, Faustus wanted Zelda. She seems to be the only thing about the Spellmans he could ever tolerate and why? Well, perhaps because he cared for her, perhaps they found a common ground in feeling inferior their whole lives (hurt/comfort is kind of their jam), and/or perhaps he just found her attractive (understandable). And if he didn’t have any affection left for her by the time part 2 rolled around, I do not know why he’d continue to pursue her after she cut their physical relationship off. Zelda was going to gain power by marrying the high priest, but there was nothing in it for him beyond... having her as his wife. Which perhaps he truly had wanted since they were young together.

But then he realized it would be more complicated than he thought when Sabrina really amped up her interference with presenting Edward’s manifesto and accusing him of murdering her parents (still never explicitly confirmed, btw) (also still very curious about when he said ‘you haven’t even read mine’ to her at the wedding - makes me wonder if what was in it wasn’t as egregious as the Church of Judas tenants wound up being). And so - he put Zelda under the Caligari spell to keep her from helping her family while he destroyed them once and for all. Except her. ‘Cause he wanted her. Not until he found out she had betrayed him in hiding Leticia did he seek any type of ‘vengeance’ towards her directly. Then, though he was far from sane before, he went well and truly mental after that.

So I see it like this - if he was driven mad and used by the eldritch terrors, he didn’t really have a grasp on reality nor would he have understood what he was doing. He wouldn’t remember any earthly affection he might have for someone because his mind would be corrupted by other worldly things. Thus - a conscience, remorse, and reparation might be possible if they’re able to restore some humanity back to him.

It’s a long shot... by a lot, but in the same way Sabrina told Nick he couldn’t have known what he was doing while under the influence of the Dark Lord’s essence (which we can certainly open a healthy dialogue about taking responsibility for your actions no matter what you’re going through/under the influence of *clears throat*) - so, too, could be the case for Faustus.

If proven as such - and they can additionally confirm some backstory that, at one point, he and Zelda did truly care for each other - it might be possible to salvage the dumpster fire that is their current predicament. If done carefully and with a fuckton of explanation. That’s a lot of built up character history to waste.

(At the very least, just give me an explanation, RAS. I am BEGGING you.)

*slow exhale* Okay, I’m tired. And wow, that’s a whole novel. Okay. Right. Thanks for your question, hope this helped. Bye!

[bynewtscamander]

The Crimes of Grindelwald Review (Spoiler heavy!!)

Alright I’ll start off with a basic (post writing it: it is not basic whoops) plot synopsis for those of you nosy people who want to know what’s up before seeing the movie, or for those who can’t afford to go the movies, etc. 

So basically Grindelwald escapes from prison by enchanting Abernathy and switching places with him via polyjuice potion (?) that’s my assumption just cause a spell would probably be too much work given the circumstances. He heads off to Paris and kills a family and takes over their house. He’s there with some french woman who is basically his henchman, the bellatrix to his voldemort. Newt is in London as the British Ministry has forbidden him to travel outside the country. He’s there taking care of all his creatures in his house with the help of his assistant Bunty. Queenie and a love enchanted Jacob show up and talk with Newt. Newt lifts the spell on Jacob that Queenie put, and J&Q fight and Queenie heads off to Paris where Tina is stationed as an auror looking for Credence. Cut to Tina at the magic circus (located in the diagon alley of Paris) snooping about where we learn Credence is basically the circus janitor and is in love with human form Nagini. Shows happening, Nagini transforms, and behind the scenes Credence release a bunch of creatures to cause havoc so he and Nagini can escape. They dissaperate I think. The circus packs up and moves on to who knows where. Tina runs off to investigate stuff and runs into this other guy who’s also there looking for Credence. They have a talk at a street cafe. Jacob and Newt use a portkey to go to Paris and head to the Paris diagon. Newt uses a spell to see what happened there and they follow a feather to find the guy Tina was with so they can find Tina. They meet up with said guy outside of the street cafe and have a talk. Queenie is on her own and looking for Jacob. She gets discouraged and sits on a street corner sad and french bellatrix shows up and talks with her. Newt and Jacob find Tina and they all end up getting locked in a cell by the other auror guy. He passes out and Pickett picks the lock and they escape easy peasy. Newt was told by Dumbledore really early in the movie to go to a safe house in Paris so that’s where Newt and Jacob and Tina go and they bring the auror guy to help him. They get some info from his and Tina runs off and Jacob urges Newt to follow. Jacob watches the auror, who made an unbreakable vow, while he recovers from some magical parasite. He falls asleep and wakes up and finds out Nick Flamel lives there, and the auror guy makes a break for it. Nick shows Jacob a crystal ball and he sees Q and runs off to find her. In the meantime Q was talked into following Grindelwald so she and Jacob can get married in his new “utopian” society. Meanwhile Credence and Nagini are looking for his birth mother and Grindelwald is trying to recruit him. They don’t find her. The British Ministry is keeping close eyes on Dumbledore since they know he’s in major kahoots with Newt. Flashbacks to Leta and Newt at school. Small subplot is that some gossip magazine printed that Leta and Newt were now engaged but it’s actually Theseus and Leta. Back to the main plot, Newt and Tina break into the Paris Ministry to find records of the LeStrange family. Newt uses polyjuice to become Theseus. They get in and are looking for the records and have a moment in the record library. No kissing, just a moment. Leta comes in also looking for her records. They aren’t there. Leta, Tina, and Newt fight off some ministry guard cats and head off to where the records were moved. Now we’re at the LeStrange tomb where Grindelwald has summoned his followers. Auror guy is there and ends up running into Leta, Credence, Nagini, and possibly Newt and Tina (I can’t remember exactly). They explain the LeStrange background. Leta and auror guy are brother and sister. Ther mother was enchanted away from their father by another man. She falls “in love” with him and marries him and dies after giving birth to Leta who I can’t remember now if she was half-sister to auror guy or full sister. Guy who enchanted their mother remarries and have another kid. Non blood related to auror guy and possibly Leta if she was from og parents. Credence is their brother, sort of. When going to America, Leta and “C” were on a ship and “C” kept crying so she, as a child, switched him out with another baby to get some rest. Ship goes under and “C” dies being believed to be another womans baby. That womans baby survives and is apparently the Credence we know and love. So not related in anyway. Wack. Now the Grindelwald meeting has started and Jacob finds Q there and Tina is there to spy and everyone else joins in and Theseus and his aurors are there to keep an eye on stuff. Grindelwald makes his speech, calls out aurors he knows are there, they come forward and one (planted I believe) lashes out and kills a follower of Grindelwalds. More talking and then Grindelwald tells his followers to go. Most do but obvs Newt, Tina, Queenie, Jacob, Theseus, Leta, Grindelwald, french bellatrix, Credence, Nagini, and possibly Leta’s brother are still there. Grindelwald uses fire to weed out those not loyal. Queenie and Credence both join Grindelwald. Big fight with the fire and Leta sacrifices herself so everyone else can escape. They run into Nick Flamel and they do some more fighting of the fire to save Paris. They go to Hogwarts and Dumbledore gets cleared of suspicion and it is revealed that he and Grindelwald made a magical blood pact (basically an unbreakable vow) to never right each other. Ministry wants Dumbledore to fight cause he’s the only one who can match Grindelwald. Now cut to remote mountains in Austria where Grindelwald and Queenie are discussing Credence. Grindelwald talks to him and it is revealed that he is apparently the 4th Dumbledore sibling? And this bird he was taking care of is turned into Fawkes. I think that’s everything major. 

I definitely forgot stuff and I’m sure some stuff is wrong, I’m writing this 3ish hours after seeing the movie so it is still pretty fresh but I obviously cannot remember nearly 2.5 hours of content. 

Time for my thoughts and opinions and impressions. 

So Grindelwald’s escape. They mention something while he’s in the cell that they cut out his tongue. Later when we find out that Grindel was actually Abernathy he has like a forked tongue so idk if that’s what they meant by cutting it out?? Also I wasn’t a fan of the total demotation of Abernathy as GW henchman. Like I know he wasn’t very nice in the 1st movie but come on. Btw they were moving him from British prison to French cause he committed crimes both places. The French ambassador dude has like this whole moment where he’s fighting this creature and GW and then gets thrown from the flying carriage and almost dies on impact of the water. Then he’s just floating around and never mentioned again. 

I also wanted to know if the family GW killed to take over their house was muggle or not. minor thing. french bellatrix kills like a 2 year old baby they found in the house after killing his parents and I know they’re the bad guys but like it was kinda messed up. 

Newt’s house was dope and everything I expected it would be. His assistant, Bunty, has a crush on him, but he’s too invested in Tina and the animals to care. This is never addressed again. She is never mentioned again after this scene. So I thought it was dumb that her character was even involved and has the crush sub plot. Like either stick with it or make the assistant even more of a throw away character. 

So when Q shows up with J she’s like we’re getting married yay. A few minutes into their reunion with Newt he can tell something is up. He realizes that J is under a love enchantment and urges Q to lift it but she’s all like no no no. I just didn’t understand why she even enchanted him in the first place? Like yes he was against marrying her based on the fact that he didn’t want her to go to prison but like was it necessary to enchant him? idk it just felt stupid and childish and tbh Q is a more developed character than the ditzy blonde who wants to get married. I guess it more just rubbed me the wrong way. 

So J and Q have a fight  where J is like “I dont want to marry you cause I dont want you going jail” which is a totally legitimate reason and like I cant think that there would be any significant benefits to it, i think the big thing for them would be calling each other husband and wife but tbh they could do that anyway so i just thought it made Q seem like a resilient woman who only wants a man to call her own, which like I said earlier, she’s so not. She’s an accomplished legilimens and I feel like her character got a little side lined this movie. So anyway after this fight she heads off to find Tina in Paris.

So the magic circus was super dope, definitely an aspect of the wizarding world I was excited to see. I think they could’ve spent a little more time showing it off and all that cause it was more just a setting to introduce Nagini and what Credence had been up to since the last movie. 

The Nagini Credence romance didn’t really bother me, it’s kind of whatever and good for Credence for caring about someone and having someone care about him and stick by him.

Nagini herself is a whole nother ball game. I was mad dude. I still am. I think it’s one of the stupidest plot twists ever. Cause she’s basically from bloodline that is destined to turn into snakes forever and change every night and then at some point dont change back. It seemed kinda just thrown in there and for god’s sake we didn’t need some deep backstory for Nagini. I liked that she was just a snake cause it made sense for voldemort cause it’s like his closest companion isnt even human, that’s how crazy he is. So like I also dont know if he knew she was a person or what. it poses too many questions for the canon. She had a cool costume design though so i guess thats good. 

The other creatures at the circus were cool too cause it was neat to see a different side to animal keeping that we didnt in the first movie. All chained up for show and from all over the world. I really liked the big cat/dragon creature (im not looking up names rn so as not to break my stream of conciousness too much). Like im a big cat person and im a big dragon person so it was super cute and when newt used the toy for it i was like awwww. 

Side note, Newt when he’s shown at home taking care of his creatures jumps into the water without taking off his shirt and i was hoping this movie for a more indepth dealing with his scars but alas there was none.

I think I would’ve also liked to see more of paris diagon just cause all we get is the circus glimpse and the glimpse when newt and jacob go there and you dont get to really see any shops or stuff. 

The scene where newt uses the revelio spell thats all gold and uses the niffler was great, really liked that, i thought it was super pretty and showed they werent shoving aside the beasts despite it being a more wizard driven plot this time. 

After they meet up with auror guy and are thrown in jail with tina the auror guy passes out after making some little speech about how they were trapped. I dont even think he took their wands or if he did it wasnt shown or made note of. like a minute after theyve been trapped auror guy passes out. they super easily escape with Pickett picking the lock (my guess now is pick-it was the play for his name, well done, cute). So that plot point was barely a plot point.

When they all go to the safe house we find out that auror guy has some sort of water creature parasite in his eye. its gross and tentacally. newt removes it with literal normal tweezers. all it does is make auror guy need to rest for a few hours. once again, barely a plot point.  

Auror guy is also revealed to have the marks of an unbreakable vow, now, correct me if I’m wrong as I’ve only seen the movie once a couple days ago now, but i literally cannot recall what it was for? like idk why have a character make an unbreakable vow, something that was crazy important in book 6, and then make it seem like it wasn’t a big deal or like whatever it was wasn’t significant enough.

So anyway, he escapes while jacob is supposed to be watching him and falls asleep on the job. Then he meets Nick Flamel who I enjoyed being in the movie as it was a good nod to the 1st book. He was a funny character but also very powerful and important. I appreciated that he did look super old cause I think they could’ve easily tried to “sex him up” by making him this banging hot young immortal guy. They didn’t and honestly I prefer it that way. 

Now the crystal ball thing, was Nick Flamel a seer? Once again, may be wrong but I thought like only seers or people gifted with some form of the sight could use them? and like flamel was seeing and showing some intense visions that were very graphic and well formed so it didnt seem like he was a casual. Thats neither here nor there i just thought it was an interesting thing going on.

So now we’re with queenie who is being persuaded by GW to join him so she and jacob can get married. I mean that’s consistent with her character this movie but it does make her seem a bit weak willed. I feel like she should’ve known something was up by using her legilimency to try and poke around with gw or french bellatrix. Obvs they’ve probably trained with occlumency but i think lack of hearing those thoughts would’ve been a big red flag. maybe queenie was too emotional or distraught or whatever to think of it? Seemed like a bit of an oversight. Gahh i just wish they’d shown her resisting a bit more so she didnt seemed weak willed and we could also get a better look into just how convincing gw was. 

So Nagini and Credence have located where his birth mother lived in Paris but when they go there all they find is this half (elf? i think) woman who was Credence’s nanny basically. She basically reveals his mother is dead and credence is very distraught. The one of gw henchmen (who also works for the british ministry) sneaks into the house and kills the nanny in front of credence. Side note, i did like how they showed avada kedavra in a more casual setting because it shows how merciless gw was with it. I felt like with voldemort even though he was merciless and used it a lot, there was still this big dramatic focus on it. I think the casualness added to the morbid atmosphere being presented. 

So credence obvs goes all obscurial on the dude and blows up the house basically and is bombarding him with debris while he’s using a shield charm. The dude dissapperates in the end and credence goes back to being his normal self. And then I think later on at this house gw goes to him and talks him into joining him fully. 

So cut to hogwarts for dumbledore. He’s teaching defense and “dueling” some kid. This kid turns out to be an ancestor of cormac mclaggen which I thought was a nice little easter egg kind of thing cause the kid gets his ass handed to him by dumbledore. So in the middle of this lesson ministry officials show up and they’re like kiddos get out. then a woman only referred to as mcgonagall (since I know there’s been some discourse about that in reference to her birth date and age and whether it’s minerva or not. tbh i did always think mm was the sameish age as dumbledore but i also do believe in sticking with the harry potter canon as it’s more concrete and developed than the fantastic beasts) she herds them out so the ministry can talk. 

The robes for the 20s hogwarts students were dope btw and im so mad that they i guess went out of fashion cause like the subtle ribbon sleeves and the navy blue and red plaid skirts and the focus on sweaters was sick, really really liked that. 

So the ministry is like “so newts in paris and we know it was u” and dumbledore is like “whaaaat, who knew” and plays innocent and whatever. So then the ministry gives him unlinked cuffs that can track what spells he’s casting which i thought was an interesting concept and im wondering if that’s going to be used more for law enforcement and if it was more of an old fashioned thing and thats not used during hp era? i just thought they were cool and clever. 

So while this is going on Leta is poking around reminiscing about hogwarts and she was obvs a slytherin and was like jinxing kids and was very unpopular and she finds newt in this hidden nook while hiding from bullies. newt is taking care of some grindylows and a baby crow and some other creatures i couldn’t identify. 

They become friends and newt takes out on this island on the black lake and shows her this tree he likes and then we cut back to present day where Leta is looking at graffiti under a desk that says n+l so she had real feelings for him at some point that were probably not returned or newt was too naive to notice. fairly on brand tbh. 

Leta’s outfit for this is like a long sleeved loosish satin dress, maroon, with like a cape on that back and while i wish, for every movie tbh, that wizards always wore robes, I thought it was a nice little nod to them being magical and having different fashions. 

The gossip magazine subplot was actually so stupid and I wish they hadn’t included it because it makes Tina, who believed it, seem stupid and she’s not. She’s a well trusted auror now and there’s no way should would believe a stupid gossip magazine without doing proper research. 

I appreciated the little moment she and newt had upon clearing this up in the records hall. I would still have liked a kiss or something a little more considering everything but I’m not dying for one. 

Blah blah blah ministry fight, the familiars used to guard the ministry were cool and i did like their design, however, i am a big cat person so i can see if some people disagree. 

Gw uses this really sick method of conjuring like these huge, light, pieces of fabric that cover the buildings of paris in order to summon his followers. Im assuming they were invisible to muggles but this isn’t addressed however no one except the wizards bats at eye at them. 

So now we’re at the lestrange tomb which is big and fancy and all that. So now there’s the whole credence origin reveal/lestrange background. Auror guy shows up and is like you’re my sister and credence is our brother and i was just like hmmm because leta and auror guy are both black and credence is white so how does that work. 

The plot behind it is so complicated and weird holy heck. Basically auror guys parents fall in love and have him and are wealthy and all this stuff. Lestrange man falls in love with auror guys mother and imperios her to live with him and love him. Now i cant remember if leta was by both auror guys parents or if she was from lestrange and his mother. either way his mother dies giving birth to leta who is brought up, kinda, by lestrange. He remarries to another white woman and they have a baby who is in some way related to leta and auror guy. The baby’s name is corvus which idk, its weird. So eventually leta and corvus get sent to america with the half elf woman from earlier on this ship. Corvus doesn’t stop crying so leta sneaks out and temporarily (she intended) switches him with another womans baby. The ship begins to sink and thus they never get switched back and corvus officially goes down with the ship. Leta, fake corvus, and elf woman are on a lifeboat that tips and not corvus is see falling into the depths and either leta or the elf woman is seen swimming for him. It was super unclear to me whether or not they actually saved him because they must have if credence is there but like it was super unclear and im not sure. 

I also dont understand then how credence ended up being adopted and leta ends up back in britain and goes to hogwarts and all that jazz. maybe it will be cleared up in the next movie but that part of the plot gets all fuzzy and unexplained. 

I personally haaaaatttteeed this explanation. I may be reading into too deeply but it seems like they were just trying to make an excuse as to how the lestrange family went from a totally different race to another in like 50ish years (assuming bellatrix was born around the 60s). It also just felt like this crazy plot twist to be a crazy plot twist, nothing more. I also want to now go back and look at the black family tree and see how much info on the lestranges i can glean from that. I just think it would be interesting to see how much stuff has differed there. 

So now its the followers of gw meeting. There’s several hundred to a couple thousand wizards there and legit they all look like emos. gothic emos. it’s easy to pick queenie out in her multicolored plaid jacket. I just thought that was funny that the demographic for his followers was emo wizards. 

So blah blah blah speech about how the muggles are others but how gw doesn’t hate them or anything, something apologetic like that. lots of wwII imagery used to say like here’s what the muggles are gonna do if we dont take action. I think they were trying to push the hitler comparison here. Not a fan of that cause that “trope” or whatever needs to die. feels like we glorify hitler too much as the end all be all of evil in the world and history. that’s more of a personal thing for me, like the guy is gonna live forever in infamy and we as a society have pushed that and used it every which way. he needs to die out as a figure, especially with all the horrible stuff happening in the world today. 

So back to way less serious stuff, to show the wwII visions gw literally takes a fat rip off a skull bong that french bellatrix is holding and blows out the smoke which forms into the images. I started laughing out loud in the theater because of this and it majorly lowered the seriousness of the rest of the movie for me. 

So after all this gw knows theseus and the aurors are there and like calls em out to come down and like they cant actually do anything to the followers cause listening to someone speak is apparently not illegal even if the person speaking is like #1 escaped criminal of the wizarding world. 

And then basically out of nowhere one of the aurors kills a woman, a guy who i believe to be a plant, unsure if the woman was, but it def wasnt real. So gw goes over to her body and is like “look at how sad this is, followers, please leave this place and do stuff,” and they all disapparate. so now its gw, french bellatrix, queenie, jacob, newt, credence, nagini, tina, and theseus and his aurors. (now that im thinking about it i cant recall what became of auror guy)

Gw summons some blue flames in a circle around himself that only loyal followers can pass through. all the non-theseus aurors get consumed by the flames either by charging or gw manipulating it to engulf them. So then one by one gw starts trying to convince people to join him, in the end queenie joins him much to the dismay of jacob. unsure how i feel about this, it’s an interesting duality but god i wish it wasnt queenie again. and then much to naginis dismay credence joins. gw tries to get leta to join. she wont. he lashes out at everyone with the fire but leta holds it off and theseus is like “no ill do it, escape” and leta is like “im doing it and you need to go” they (newt and theseus) linger long enough for leta to be consumed but they manage to escape dramatically. 

Once outside the tomb in the graveyard they see flamel who is like “if we dont do something the whole city is gonna burn” so they all stick their wands into the ground and create a ring of fire to encase the evil blue flames and they work super hard at holding it off and they do and thats the big epic ending fight scene. it looked really cool but explaining it it seems kinda lame lol. 

So now that paris is saved they all go to hogwarts and are standing on the bridge and have newt alone go talk to dumbledore and he shows his this heart charm thing which has 2 drops of blood in the center. dumbledore explains that in their youth they made a magical blood pact (basically an unbreakable vow in a different form) to not fight each other. Newt is like well can you un do it cause you’re the only dude who can defeat him and dumbledore is like i’ll see what i can do. he also gets his magic tracking cuffs off. 

We get to see the mirror of erised again which was cool and i really liked seeing dumbledore stand in front of his for the first time as we all know the “sock” line about it from him. he sees gw, so no surprise there. more of a nice little easter egg moment more than anything.

Then we’re in austria in the mountains. Gw and queenie are talking about how credence is and how to get through to him and then gw walks in and starts talking to him. Gw explains that he is aurelius dumbledore. so wtf. I have big problems with this as dumbledores history is pretty clearly eplained and im pretty sure his parents werent around long after arianna so how did they have another kid? how did they lose him? is he older or younger than arianna? and if we go off the lestrange story wouldnt that make the woman who leta switched the babies on mrs. dumbledore? i also really hated this bit and i want to see how they clean it up in the next movie cause yiiiiikes is it bad. super unnecessary and kinda messed up and weird. 

After this gw gives credence his first wand and turns this little bird that credence had been looking after into fawkes (assumed from earlier movie context clues etc). Which is also confusing cause like uhhh can someone actually turn a bird into a phoenix? is that even possible? was the bird secretly a phoenix this whole time? and if so why was gw able to make it grow up so fast? weird shit there.

So anyway that was my long, rambly, opinionated, all over the place, too extra, very informal and grammatically atrocious review of Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald. Maybe things will come to me later and I’ll add on but this is what I’ve got floating around in my head 2 days post movie. 

It was by no means a bad movie, the cinematography was great, the acting was great, I loved the characters so much. The beasts were new and exciting. My biggest gripes lie with some of the plot points brought up. 

7/10 final score I guess.