#note that these are about luke himself and not anything else i.e. not a commentary on the narrative as a whole

[bayetea]

Thoughts on Luke? just curious, i love all your pjo stuff and i saw that you like thaluke so 👀

(resisting the urge to say "no one gets him like I do") to be completely honest barring that one thing luke is probably the best written original character in the entire percy jackson franchise

[postedbygaslight]

No One’s Ever Really Gone: The Synergy of Narrative and Poetic Structures in the Star Wars Sequel Trilogy

IMPORTANT: The following essay will draw upon existing work for a lot of its content and conclusions. I do not claim credit for the work cited to others below, though my interpretations and commentary are included throughout. Most of the content I’m referring to can be found in links included below, and the primary sources are @ohtze‘s ���Kill the King and Take His Crown,” and @ashesforfoxes‘ “The Descent.”

You can also find a lot of really insightful work on this stuff by listening to related podcasts, like recent episodes of SW Connection, Metamashina and Scavenger’s Hoard. Literary theory isn’t new stuff, and any analysis will necessarily stand on the shoulders of giants. However, I hadn’t seen any analysis on the synergy and interplay of the various tropes and archetypes discussed.

TO BE PERFECTLY CLEAR: The summary of the constituent parts of these tropes and archetypes is based on the work of others, in both written and commentary form. My contribution is the assignment of the various elements to the heroic, character, and narrative structures, and a guess as to how those elements will play out on screen. Some of the guesses are close to or identical to those suggested by Ohtze, because I think she’s right, but I’ve added editorial commentary and my own spin on it. The summary of the literary structures is intended as crib notes for anyone unfamiliar with these terms or other works.

So, if you’re ready, join me below the cut. [I’ve tried about seven times to add the cut so it’ll show on mobile, and it won’t for me, so idk]

I wrote this meta about six weeks ago, and have put off posting it here for a number of reasons. But, having looked it over, I feel fairly sanguine about it. I’ll probably add pictures/gifs later, but for now, I’m not going to bother. Strap in, though. This is a hell of a ride.

My lit theory engines have been running non-stop since The Last Jedi was released, because I could see there was a highly developed structure underpinning everything. I just couldn’t put my finger on it, and, while some tropes and archetypes I’ve encountered as applied by analyses in the fandom fit in certain areas, others didn’t match up. But now I think I see what’s being done, and, well, goddamn.

What we’re seeing here is the synergy of the entire saga being brought together. J.J. Abrams himself said Episode IX is intended to do just that. The question is: how do you accomplish that? Through the evolution of the saga, different through lines have been adopted and integrated. First, there was the mythic, then, the tragic, followed by the poetic, and, finally, the gothic. Now that there are four distinct and synergized elements guiding four distinct elements of the saga’s conclusion, finding one pure parallel is nigh impossible, and for good reason: this is more ambitious than anything a major production has really tried.

As my professional training is in the law, it wouldn’t do to structure this as I would a creative work of fiction. So, in deference to the legal tradition, here’s a summary of conclusions:

Star Wars operates first and foremost as a Hero’s Journey, or, more specifically, three separate journeys: The Hero’s Journey of Luke Skywalker, the Tragedy of Anakin Skywalker, and the Heroine’s Journey of Rey of Jakku. These three journeys are distinct and operate within an overall poetic structure that binds the saga together. Each trilogy represents a poetic stanza, and the three trilogies are arranged overall as a palistrophe (wherein the tragedy of the first stanza is unwound and reversed by the third).

[In earlier versions of this essay, I incorrectly identified the poetic device being used here as palindrome. Credit to a Facebook user to calling me on my bullshit and not letting me talk my way around it. The device I intended to identify is a chiasmus, and more specifically, a palistrophe, in which chiastic structure is used to address broad elements, rather than exact mirrors. A palindrome is far too constrained a device for it to be the appropriate device, and I ought to have known it. A good example of a palistrophe is the Biblical story of the Flood, in which the first act details the coming of the Flood, the middle act deals with the consequences of the Flood, and the third act unwinds and reverses the first and presents the elements as mirrors, thus arriving at different thematic conclusions.]

The Original Trilogy features monomythic character archetypes and narrative, needing nothing else. The Prequel Trilogy features tragic character archetypes and narrative, utilizing a failed Hero’s Journey as its mythic foundation. The Sequel Trilogy features the same tragic character archetypes as the Prequel Trilogy, but inverts the roles and elements as befitting the palistrophic poetic arc, and, as the gender roles are reversed, employs a Heroine’s Journey to counteract the tragic conclusions of the Prequel Trilogy. Because neither the monomythic nor the tragic narratives are applicable to a non-tragic Heroine’s Journey, the Sequel Trilogy adopts a gothic romantic narrative to carry the poetic and heroic arcs to the Heroine’s Journey’s conclusion.

In the applications of these various tropes, the Sequel Trilogy uses the base narrative of the gothic romance, but those elements that do not comport with the tragic character archetypes are overridden by the archetypal dicta. Similarly, because the Heroine of the Sequel Trilogy does not have a tragic flaw, when the conclusions reached by the tragic archetypes or the gothic narrative would conflict with the requirements of the Heroine’s Journey, those conclusions must be controlled by the Heroine’s Journey.

Here follows the more specific discussion. Let’s follow the bouncing ball:

The Original Trilogy was powered by a simple Hero’s Journey: Luke Skywalker’s. The classic Campbellian monomyth is applied in almost perfect step-by-step progression. Taken on its own, this is all that’s needed. George Lucas took the pulp elements of space opera and placed his Hero on his journey through it.

But then Lucas decided to make the prequels, and he wanted to use the same mythical structure, but the archetypes of the monomyth didn’t work. Why? Because Anakin Skywalker is not a classic heroic figure. He is a tragic hero; that is, the Hero of the monomyth, but with a fatal flaw that prevents him from completing his journey. To do this kind of story, Lucas elected to draw from Sophocles himself and took the base archetypes from Oedipus Rex (the greatest of all Greek tragedies), applied them to the Star Wars universe through the Hero’s Journey, and we saw that play out exactly as one would expect it.

In Ohtze’s excellent meta, “Kill the King, and Take His Crown,” she details the application of the Usurper/Holy Mother trope as established by Greek tragic tradition (and supplemented by Freudian analysis), and I’ll be discussing that here. The trope, by my reckoning, applies mostly to the characters moving within other structures, but applies very broadly to the Prequel Trilogy by dint of being a straight transfer of both tragic character archetype and narrative.

By using the Usurper as the male archetype, Lucas fundamentally changed the way Darth Vader’s entire arc is to be interpreted. Instead of a messianic crusader, Vader is redrawn as a Dog of War, corrupted in the absence of his female counterpart, taken from him as a result of his own tragic fall. This also reframes Luke’s own Hero’s Journey, as his arc takes shape through the Oedipus archetypal structure, and transforms him into an avatar of his dead mother; i.e., the only figure through whom the Usurper can be redeemed. However, Vader’s crimes were too great, and his Queen (Holy Mother) was dead. Redemption had to be followed by death, and Luke’s Hero’s Journey ends, as all must, with the Hero assuming the legacy left by his father, gaining mastery over two worlds (here the Light and Dark Sides of the Force).

When confronting how to approach the Sequel Trilogy, the first thing I assume they established was using the three films to reverse the tragedy of Anakin’s fall. So, in some ways, they found themselves hemmed in by what had come before, but also had some serious decisions to make concerning a final element: by subverting the tragic trope, it makes the narrative of the tragedy inapplicable, and it must be supplanted by something else. Also, because the poetic device used to reverse prior stanzas is palistrophe, all major elements and roles needed to be reversed. That leads to a few conclusions that explain a LOT.

In reversing Anakin’s fall, the same tragic archetypes must be used for the new characters. However, because of the palistrophe, the production’s hand was forced in a few areas.

First, the heroic role had to be the female counterpart to the Usurper, taking the tragic figure out of the Hero’s role. This is key. If the tragic figure is not the capital-h Hero, the tragedy can be avoided if the Hero/Heroine’s Journey overrides the tragic conclusions. Second, by reversing the roles, that put the Sequel Trilogy into a Heroine’s Journey, with the Holy Mother archetype as the Heroine.

Ashes+For+Foxes’ excellent analysis of Valerie Frankel’s work on the Heroine’s Journey, and its application to The Force Awakens informs this next section a great deal. The most pertinent meta is “The Descent,” linked above.

The Heroine’s Journey differs fundamentally from the Hero’s Journey in that the Heroine is much more attuned to the Shadow than a Hero, gaining mastery over the darkness through understanding instead of conflict. Another important distinction is the Heroine’s Journey’s interest in family, and the transition from childhood to womanhood to motherhood. Where the Hero’s Journey is more anodyne and chaste, the Heroine’s Journey is explicitly a journey of sexual awakening, with one of the elements including marriage to the Animus (often portrayed as Prince Charming, et al), and eventual consummation and sexual union with him. The Animus is a true counterpart, representing the yin to her yang, completing the whole, and this relationship is essential in the Heroine’s Journey.

There are many examples of conflation of elements in the Heroine’s Journey, and here, as in Beauty and the Beast, Kylo Ren is both an agent of the Shadow, and the Heroine’s Animus. Because the Heroine must confront and overcome the Shadow, and also wed the Animus, the major conflict of her Journey becomes freeing her lover from the Shadow’s influence.

Fairy tale offers a lot of rich territory to mine, but it’s short on substance. This is where narrative structure comes into play. You have the poetic goal, the tragic character archetypes, and the Heroine’s Journey running through it. But what structure will the story adopt?

This is the point where my analysis of the synergies of these elements hit a snag, even though it was staring me right in the damn face: the story is being told as a Byronic gothic romance. The first response to this might be: why? Because Star Wars uses what works. And the Byronic tradition is perhaps the most effective and emotionally resonant model that employs a capital-h Heroine with a tragic lover who must be freed from the darkness.

[The ladies at SW Connection did a great video on comparisons between the Reylo arc and Jane Eyre that is very well done. I’m quite familiar with Jane Eyre and its other gothic kin, but somehow missed the parallel for all the talk of Pride and Prejudice.]

I’m far from the first person to notice the parallels between the Sequel Trilogy and the female driven stories of the gothic era. The most often cited has been Pride and Prejudice, and some story elements do indeed fit, but the fit is awkward. Rey and Kylo’s relationship mirrors the intensity and tension of Darcy and Elizabeth, but one must remember that P&P is satirical, not strictly romance. Instead, one must look to actual gothic romance, and the most prominent and applicable is Jane Eyre.

Jane Eyre’s story is eerily similar to the Reylo arc. The only things that truly don’t fit are those things filled in by the use of the tragic archetypes (the Usurper and Holy Mother archetypes override gothic character motivations), and the Heroine’s Journey (which is and will always be supreme in this kind of story). Jane and Rochester fit the class and gender roles of Reylo; their attraction is similar, and they also share an unexplained and occasionally supernatural connection (the Force Bond scenes seem to draw a lot from the implications of a supernatural gothic romance). The Byronic tradition also typically includes a bungled proposal that is always refused by the heroine, and the eventual reunification of the lovers after time spent apart takes its toll on them both. The Byronic heroine loves her counterpart, and does so even though everyone else thinks he isn’t worth it, and he, for his part, is irascible and cruel to everyone but the heroine. The Byronic male character suffers for his moral failings, and is brought low, makes a life change and corrects his awful behavior, and is redeemed through the love of the heroine (again, through implied supernatural means, though the nature of that intervention varies dramatically from story to story). The lovers then get their happily ever after.

Gothic romances very often end in tragedy (see Wuthering Heights), but only when there is no true capital-h Heroine to drive the narrative. When there is no true heroic figure, tragic flaws will rule the day in stories heavily tilted toward tragic ends. But in this iteration of Star Wars, we have a Heroine, whose mythic archetype and narrative role are tied up in the redemption of her lover, and since she’s on a Heroine’s Journey, and doesn’t have a tragic flaw herself, the rules of the game dictate she has to triumph.

Perhaps, at this point, a demonstration is appropriate:

In The Force Awakens, Rey and Kylo’s first encounter is, to say the least, confrontational and unfriendly. This dynamic does not improve throughout the film, though he does soften toward her to some measurable degree. In The Last Jedi, as the elements of their supernatural connection become apparent, their dialogue becomes more comfortable, less acrimonious; they connect on a spiritual level, and achieve a unique understanding of each other. But Kylo is an absolute shit to everyone other than Rey, sometimes violently so. He, however, is also devoted to her in a very obvious way by the climactic moments of The Last Jedi, and proposes his version of marriage to Rey, but the terms of this union are unacceptable to her, and she has to leave him.

This sounds a lot like Jane Eyre. But the parallels don’t line up like they should. The reason they don’t is we’re not in 1830s England, and the supernatural elements aren’t abstractions or allegory. Rey and Kylo are, like their tragic archetypes, playing in the realm of the Gods, replete with actual magic and cryptic prophecy. Rochester isn’t a murderer and war criminal like Kylo is. But the Usurper archetype is, and the mythic setting dictates a more visceral level of antagonism than verbally abusing servants and violating the norms of polite aristocratic society.

Like Jane, Rey is an orphan, and discarded multiple times, left to fend for herself in the face of constant abandonment. But Jane, though strong, is always subservient to the authority figures that surround her, having no other real choice. Rey is not bound by those constraints, but if that’s so, then, shouldn’t the Holy Mother archetype dictate her motivations? Well, she is driven by a desire for belonging and family, and she fiercely protects those she holds dear, but she is in no way attended by the pomp and circumstance of the queen in the tragic trope. So, the Heroine’s Journey rules the day, setting her on the path to her magical weapon, call to adventure, and confrontation with the Shadow, etc.

BUT WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN

I’ll tell you. Jesus.

With this formula, it becomes possible to game out what will happen in Episode IX with a startling degree of specificity. Remember, this is my interpretation, applying the formula I’ve detailed above and supplementing my own personal conjecture and assumptions as necessary. So, again acknowledging that some of these basic predictions have been made before, here goes:

WARNING: Basically lit theory informed fanfic from this point.

Rey and Kylo will remain severed in their bond for the first part of the movie. They must be made to feel the sting of loneliness and recognize the incompletion only cured by the other’s presence in their lives.

Rey will find solace in her new family for awhile, but will not be able to replace the feeling of belonging and completion she feels with Kylo. This longing will act as a real source of conflict and represent a constant struggle to stave off the Shadow (the Dark Side).

Supreme Leader Kylo Ren will try to convince himself that he only used Rey to help him usurp Snoke’s throne, if only as an attempt to shield himself from the reality that he has been abandoned by his Queen, and will continue to seek her, but probably use the excuse of pursuing the Resistance as justification.

The Knights of Ren will appear as Kylo’s personal honor guard and act as military commanders as well, another poke in the eye to General Hux. I think this primarily because J.J. Abrams stated after directing TFA that he’s love to do a Knights of Ren movie, and here’s his chance. The Knights will represent Kylo’s stated ideal to begin a new order of Force users, one that has its basis in the Dark Side. If this is the case, I foresee Rey tangling with at least one of them in the front half of the movie (she’ll probably kill the Knight, having no other choice, and giving the other Knights a vengeance incentive to track her down and kill her).

Leia’s death will cause a real shift in the status quo for both Rey and Kylo, as the shock of her passing will leave them both vulnerable. I assume this will cause the Force to join them, and they will have a reckoning about their parting and an acknowledgment/reinforcement of the feelings they have for each other (though it’s likely this will still remain implicit for the time being). Unless they go for the gold and have them initiate physical contact through the Force again, only this time without Uncle Luke outside the door (the tragic trope suggests physical contact here due to the loss of the Usurper’s birth mother, but that could be toned down or delayed for dramatic effect). It’s also entirely possible that this could actually be an in-person meeting, but I doubt that for plot reasons.

[I also think that there’ll be a number of Force Bond scenes, because there’s a real need to have these two share serious screen time in Episode IX.]

Rey’s connection with Kylo will be revealed to the Resistance. Not sure how this will happen exactly, but its effect will be to cause separation and distrust between Rey and her adopted family.

The consequences of the revelation of the Force Bond to the Resistance will cause the rebels to make a fatal mistake. The First Order will move to finish the Resistance, and this time it’ll be for good.

About this time, Kylo is going to find himself in the midst of some extreme conflict. The pull to the Light will be stronger than ever, and I anticipate he will call once more to Vader for guidance. Typically, Sith cannot be Force Ghosts, but Anakin was redeemed, so his spirit endures. I anticipate it will be a riven, tortured existence, and we’ll get some spectacular visual effect that shifts his ghost from blue to red, with the red one maimed, burned, and scarred. This experience will shake him to his foundations.

For her part, I wrestled with whether Rey would also receive supernatural guidance from Luke’s Force Ghost, but I’ve come down on the side of that not being the case. Rey is past the point in the Heroine’s Journey where she’s looking to father figures for guidance. Rey’s reconciliation with the mother figure will probably have to come through some form of interaction with something left behind by Leia, but I wouldn’t be surprised to see Maz Kanata reprise her quest giver role in a more motherly capacity, with a symbolic or literal passing of the torch, so to speak.

Having made his decision (“I know what I have to do” part 3?), Kylo will attempt to sabotage the First Order’s assault from the inside. This attempt will not go as planned (Kylo’s not much of a planner), and Hux’s long-anticipated coup will spring into action. I also think that Hux will have, by this point, convinced at least some of the Knights that Kylo murdered Snoke, and to join his insurrection.

Having learned of his betrayal, the Knights of Ren will turn on Kylo, each of them having been trained to seek power over all else. I expect some of them will go with the assault force (which was at least partially successfully fucked up by Kylo’s attempt at sabotage— something that the Resistance will know was his doing), while the rest lie in wait to ambush Kylo as he goes to either escape or re-establish control.

During his fight with the Knights, Kylo will be badly wounded (or perhaps will have been wounded by Hux just prior; this is a guy who keeps a knife in his sleeve), but will manage to escape. Having made his way as far as he can on his own, he’ll either consciously or unconsciously call out to Rey through the Force.

Rey will hear his call and will go to him, and I expect that will be over the objection of her friends, and may result in Rey threatening violence against one of them (Finn, probably) if they try to stop her (still on the fence about this).

Finding him wounded, Rey and Kylo’s reunion will be cut short by the remaining Knights of Ren. Rey will fight them and hold her own for awhile, but will soon be overpowered, and an injured Kylo will join the fight and save her life. Together they’ll finish off the remaining Knights, thus bringing an early end to the new order.

Meanwhile, Hux and the First Order, having been more debilitated by Kylo’s betrayal than it first appeared, are losing to a resurgent Resistance fleet. Hux’s brief tenure as Supreme Leader will end in ignominy, his death coming in as humiliating a fashion as befits the smallness of his character.

The defeat of the First Order will be attended by Something Very Bad (I haven’t a clue as to what that could be, but suffice it to say I anticipate it would be some kind of kamikaze self-destruct protocol that’ll threaten both the Resistance fleet and a massive number of civilians).

Rey and Kylo, able to see this Something Very Bad happening from their vantage, will risk everything to save everyone else, and do something with the Force, working together, that will blow our minds. Like stop a Star Destroyer from falling on a city, or something equally as impossible. I expect this will involve them coming together physically (probably holding hands), to juxtapose them being separated at the end of TFA and TLJ.

The Resistance will be saved, and the First Order decimated beyond reckoning. Those who witnessed it know they were saved by the Force, and the only two people capable of wielding it in such a way.

But.

Kylo Ren will die. Having sustained serious wounds, and having had to expend a titanic effort using the Force, Kylo will collapse into Rey’s arms in a La Pieta motif. This will probably be shot either like the Luke/Vader scene or the Anakin scene with his dying mother in Attack of the Clones. It’s going to be rough.

“Hey! Hold on! You said happily ever after, you motherfucker!”

I sure did. Remember, we’re on a Heroine’s Journey. Kylo Ren is not a capital-h Heroic figure. He is a tragic figure given the opportunity for redemption through penitence and selfless sacrifice. And what is the last stage of the Heroine’s Journey before the final triumph?

Mastery Over Life and Death.

Where the Hero’s Journey can often involve the resurrection of the Hero himself, the Heroine’s Journey ends with her saving her lover from death, often resurrecting him through magical means. The Force is nothing if not the space fantasy version of magic, and the desire for this kind of power is exactly what caused Anakin to fall. But Anakin’s desire to achieve mastery over life and death was inextricably tied to his tragic flaw, meaning that the very act of seeking it would lead to the tragedy he sought to prevent. The Heroine, however, never seeks this power explicitly. It is made available to her when she is in greatest need, and is realized through the love she has for her counterpart. Because the Heroine’s final triumph requires her lover to be alive (so she can finally achieve motherhood in her own right), this step is essential. Don’t think you’ve ever seen this before? Think Beauty and the Beast and Tangled.

So.

Ben Solo will be reborn. Having passed through death and been reborn through the grace of his lover, Ben Solo will have achieved an earned redemption, and a chance at a new life.

What then? It really depends on the circumstances of the Something Very Bad being averted, and how public Kylo/Ben’s betrayal of the First Order is. But, once loose ends are resolved:

A time jump. A few years, I think. The Jedi Temple at Ahch-To. Rey and Ben teaching a new generation of Jedi. And, yes, babies. Probably twins. Sunset, Force theme swells, circle wipe to a star field, the end.

Okay, so that was way longer than I expected. Thanks for staying with me on that one. Of course, all of the above could be spectacularly wrong, but I’m bringing all of my instincts and education in lit theory to bear here, and incorporating the best ideas I’ve encountered in the fandom, and this feels right.

I’m sure at least some of you would agree.

Tagging @raven-maiden because she encouraged me to actually get off my digital ass and post this.

[jillmckenzie1]

The Silver Lining – Online Dating on the Road

Once upon a time, in a galaxy not so far away, I came across a guy on Bumble who immediately proclaimed in his bio that faith was the number quality that he was looking for in a woman. Okay. He then proceeded to say how much he loved positivity and hated photo filters: “Real is beautiful.” You got it, bud. I second the filter hate train. I mean, I’ll send you a dumbass video of me with cheeseburgers circling around my head, but a hard no on the cat ears for public visibility. In true Stephanie fashion, I led with: “Should I start sending all my Snapchat filter selfies now or later?” (don’t worry, the answer is yes, I do amuse myself). Here’s the part where you sit back, relax, and enjoy the show. His response: “Funny, Funny. I wonder what a vagina looks like filtered? Huh [insert light bulb emoji]. I have an idea. Test it out for us. Send me one both ways. I’ll let you know [insert smiley face emoji].”

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

Yep, this actually happened. Seriously. I responded and questioned why, on any planet in any point in time, he believed this response would be an acceptable way to speak to a woman. Ever. I recall using words like “disgusting” and “degrading” (I’m sure the screenshot is somewhere deep in the abyss of my iPhotos if you need evidence). His response? He was joking. Right. Super funny, dude. Real funny. Report. Block. Terminate. Bye.

If you’re single, you’re not surprised by this story. If you’re in a relationship, I hope to God you are completely astounded. And, while I often think dating apps are the absolute devil, it is also the current means to an end. Are you even a real single person if you are not on a dating app? Not even kidding. Okay, slight over exaggeration, but truly, never in our wildest teen years did us 30-something-year-olds imagine using our phones to score a significant other (AIM, sure, but not our phones).

So, I exist in my current reality. Fact: I’m single. Fact: I’m transient. Fact: I’d like to be in a relationship. Fact: I don’t care whether or not that relationship exists in a transient or stationary state. So, yes, if our vibe is high and you want to hop in the Airstream and explore every end of the earth, great. If you work in a job you love in a city that you call home, ask me to stay. Let’s ride the wave. Together. Because, seriously, doing life with someone who really gets you better than anyone else ever could is the real damn deal.

Back to dating. I don’t think anyone actually dates anymore. I am actually convinced that it’s not really a thing these days. There’s like pre-dating in which you entertain the idea of actually dating. And then there is friend-zoning or jumping deep into the abyss of quasi-matrimony. I speak with experience from the former, not the latter. And, mark my words, “friends with benefits” is so hot right now. I actually went toe-to-toe with two guy friends at a bar last weekend in a pursuit to convince them that the typical Millennial male is more often than not seeking a friend with whom he can simply have sex than an actual committed relationship (let’s just say they didn’t disagree). Because, I actually do believe that most men do not want to sleep around with handfuls of random girls. They seem to be perplexed by their own paradoxical existence of not wanting anything serious (i.e. being forced to attend your grandma’s 80th birthday with you) while simultaneously wanting to have sex as much as humanly possible.

Let me present to you exhibit A.

I moved to Denver in my Airstream last spring. I met a guy on Bumble who happened to be on the way to a bachelor party for the weekend. I assumed we would engage in an hour-long text conversation that would end with him asking me to send nudes or with him sending me a completely unsolicited dick pic (because, yes, as you can assume from the above scenario, guys really do that). I’d tell him to (a) Google a nude, any nude (most certainly not mine), if that’s what he wanted, or (b) I’d cuss him out for exposing himself like a disturbed and arrogant asshole, and I’d add another tally to my list of douchebags found in the wild.

Welp, surprisingly, he proved me wrong. Beyond that, he actually seemed interested in who I was as a human being, and he proceeded to text me non-stop over the course of the weekend. While at a bachelor party (I feel that this detail needs repeating).

So, he returns home three days later and we commit to actually meeting face to face (like, whoa). And, for lack of a better word, it’s flawless. We’re super funny together (priority one), conversation is natural, and chemistry is fire. We hang out for a few weeks, which inevitably leads to sex. Immediately, he drops the bomb: let’s be friends. Let’s. Be. Friends? Oh wait, I’m sorry, correction, let’s be BEST friends. Perfect. Great. Because, I’m really lacking in the best friend department (insert massive eye roll here).

At this point, I assume it will die out. I assume that he used the nice guy “let’s be friends” card in an attempt to save my feelings and he will vanish as quickly as he had appeared. But, no. He quite literally continues to pursue my friendship. For a month he asks me to do nearly everything with him. He also proceeds to pay for everything: climbing, concerts, movies. Let’s note here that he also proceeds to take my clothes off on a semi-regular basis (despite his constant commentary on us needing rules to prevent such happenings). Final bomb: after a Luke Bryan concert, while sitting on a bench enveloped by a Colorado night sky, he tells me that he loves my soul. I’m sorry, what? Like, we are dating, bro. We. Are. DATING. I don’t care what you title me, but let’s call this thing by its Urban Dictionary definition. He follows up this statement with the fact that I simply deserve better. One, I think I am being dumped for the first time without ever actually having been in an established relationship. Two, fuck off. No one gets to tell me what I deserve. I decide that. So, no, I don’t deserve better. You simply deserve less based on your own evaluation of whatever this thing is that we’re doing. Say that, please. Own that.

So, spring came. And, spring went.

Summer roared in like a lion, and I committed myself to rock faces and mountain peaks, two things that I find to be (surprisingly) much more predictable than men. I also dove even deeper into my work (don’t worry, the digital dating gods still delivered amidst my commitment to my professional projects).

Enter exhibit B.

As a freelance creative director and brand strategist, I work remotely for all of my clients. Idaho. California. Kentucky. Texas. I sometimes wonder if I have a subconscious goal to knock off all 50 states. With all that being said, I met a guy in another state who pursued me completely on his own accord. My vision had always been to travel with my Airstream, but I was never 100% certain on dates. This guy gets my number, he uses round-about questions to engage me in some witty banter, and low and behold he says, “Move down here and I’ll fix all your dating problems.” Wow. Bold statement. I like it. So, after a couple months in this state of flirting euphoria, I commit (amongst a sea of many factors, but I’m intrigued by what’s happening here). He calls me pet names and we have running jokes, and if you know me, these are the keys to my heart. So, I’m smitten kitten. Without any expectation of what will actually become of it. If anything.

The point here is that I show up. I have the luxury of saying yes and then doing something about it. I want to be next to him, so I choose that. Because his voice brings this uncanny smile to my face, and when his name appears on my iPhone notifications, there is a simultaneous level of excitement and comfort. He is fireworks, and he is coming home. And the beauty lies not only in the feeling, but also in the reciprocation of the feeling. Because, there is zero bone in my body that has interpreted anything that he’s told me as being untrue.

Until I’m there. Until I’m standing in front of him begging for every inch of contact. And, that alone becomes the culmination of months of aggressive flirting. Me. Begging (like, seriously, just kiss me before I scream). Because he likes me, but he doesn’t know. I’m sorry, what? Yes, he likes me, but he doesn’t know. Because, self-admittedly, he is a tease. And, he likes it, even though he’s not proud of it (his words, not mine). Perfect. Great. Because, my character flaw is not consuming enough water daily. The effect of this flaw on other people: zero.

At this point, I need to clarify two things. One, I respect people who have an awareness about what they do not know. There is nothing wrong with not knowing. I would take harsh honesty over a sugar-coated lie ten times out of ten. My frustration or disappointment or bewilderment exists in the actions that suggest otherwise. I get it, the pursuit is fun, but if you are not ready to take the elk out of the woods after the hunt, then why are you going hunting in the first place? Terrible metaphor, by the way, but rolling with it. Two, I do not believe in forcing anything in life. I spent far too many years making things happen in the pursuit of checking off items from some proverbial checklist (which is entirely bullshit, by the way). So, for someone not to choose me does not devastate my being. Yes, I have feelings. Lots of them. Too many of them, probably (hello, Leo over here). But, in a world where we get to choose everything (for argument’s sake), I’m not into forcing anyone into a choice that involves me.

What I have observed in this last eighteen months of singledom is that no one wants to commit. To anything. There is no need to commit to anything. Most guys are on dating apps to have sex. Okay, rephrase, most guys are on dating apps posing like they want something substantial in order to get sex. I actually have the most respect for bios that read, “If I’m being honest, just looking to hook up.” Bravo. Kudos to you, dude. Because, I have had my own seasons of wanting more and wanting less. And, there is nothing wrong with either choice. There is nothing wrong with existing in either space. It’s the lack of honesty that burns me to my core. Stop flirting with me if it’s not going anywhere. Stop wasting my time. I don’t need more friends off of Bumble, or sliding into my DMs, or through obscure means of getting my phone number. Truly. I’ve reached my lifetime quota after 34 years.

In tandem, what I have observed in the last eighteen months about myself is that I am, most certainly, a lover and believer of words. And, that is the crux. That online dating, or simply just dating, is this whole show of words. That are so easily believed. And it’s just all shit. If I had a dollar for every guy who suggested running away with me in my Airstream, I would have been able to pay straight cash for my new F-150 a few weeks ago. Seriously. There’s one in LA, and a couple in New Jersey, a handful in Texas, and so many in Colorado that I’ve actually stopped counting. Because the minute I say, “Okay, I’m calling you on this statement,” my experience indicates that they can’t live up to it.

Great, tell me all about your fantasies, homeboy, only to ghost two days later (or, better yet, I find out about your undying love for your current girlfriend on your second to last Instagram post from five days ago). Newsflash, smoother operator, this is my actual life over here. Hope you enjoyed your glimpse.

So, yes, I’m attempting to not grow cynical. I’m also attempting to unpack two very real personal questions. One, if a game must be played in order to win the affection of another, and that game requires me to act outside of my normal state, then am I even winning if I do “win?” For example, guy articulates that he doesn’t know if he wants anything. Then, the same guy asks for me to bring him food because he’s stuck at work. I show love through service, so naturally, my being is dying to deliver said food. But, guy advice (based on my current inner circle) is usually, don’t bring him the food: “He’s using you. If he can’t say that he wants you, but is willing to get favors from you, show him that you don’t have time to do him favors without him giving you a respectable level of commitment.” And, this is fair. This actually makes sense. But, still, I deliver the food (yep, that’s me) because, yep, that IS me. And, I don’t want to be anything but myself. Ever.

Two, what is my responsibility to give people space to be honest and themselves but also to guard my own heart in that process? I believe in ease. I believe that there are certain things in life that mysteriously and beautifully fall into place. I’d like to believe that a romantic relationship would unfold in a similar fashion. But, if this guy says he doesn’t know and then proceeds to engage with me in a fashion that suggests otherwise, should I believe his actions or his words? And, the fact that I’m asking that question is my answer, right? If the right person were standing in front of me, I’m confident I wouldn’t have to be choosing between his actions and his words in the first place because there would be an alignment in both areas that carries the level of integrity that I demand for in my own self. Yet, here I am, FaceTiming my best male friend at 7:32pm on a Wednesday night to ask how to respond to the 47th text message from a guy who just doesn’t know what it is that he wants from me, making me perplexed on how to proceed with my own verbiage and actions.

At this point, let’s add the nomadic element to the mix. And, I am quite confident that therein lies a bigger piece to this commitment-phobic puzzle. Because, it is easy to fall into a routine with someone who resides within your city limits and has a similar schedule to your scripted life. It is an entirely different thing to choose a person who has the freedom to leave. To ask someone to stay requires a deeper level of commitment. It means that someone is choosing for me to do life alongside him, and it means that we are taking off into the sunset together or I am abandoning the road to call someone my home. Ultimately, that choice is my desire. Because, the more I embark on adventures alone, the narrower the gap becomes for me to experience those things for the first time with someone else.

And, I’m starting to question whether or not anything is actually beautiful without it being shared, without it being seen through two sets of eyes in the same moment, if anything is real without the conversation of that thing existing between two coherent bodies.

So, I continue to sit and manifest these desires in the belief that, one day, I’ll be done with the exhibits. That, one day, someone will choose me, and I will choose him back. Without force. Without fear. Without the twenty questions. Granted, maybe I’ve already missed out on Mr. Perfect somewhere in between. Because I didn’t like his shoes. Or his haircut was weird. Or, I swiped left because he failed to include a bio (c’mon, guys). Regardless, I know that wanting something requires attention to that thing. I know that wanting someone requires intentionality to his existence. So, I’m here. Showing up. Attempting to live outside of our digital dead zone. Attempting to keep doing the work to have that one thing that my heart yearns to explore. I can reason that if it were easy, then everyone would do it. Like, really do it. It’s not easy. Not everyone does it. Like, really does it. But, it will damn well be worth it.

Meanwhile, if you need help with your pickup lines, don’t hesitate to slide into my DMs. They’re currently still free for the taking.

from Blog https://ondenver.com/the-silver-lining-online-dating-on-the-road/