#objectifying harry is always a good idea

[devoutlywished]

harry osborn damsel in distress moodboard

[vinterdrape]

hi! after harry lloyd's words about his favorite jayvik headcanon (yes, sorry, guys, it's still just his headcanon), there was a wave of arts and fanfics about pregnant jayce (very rarely) and viktor (more often).

i have something to say about it.

first, i really find it weird to see pregnancy hypersexualized. especially male pregnancy. objectifying it is not a good idea.

second, it's also weird that it's always viktor who is carrying a child, but... let's be honest, getting pregnant with his health would be suicide.

third, the fact that people use the word ‘mom’/‘sunscreen momma’/‘anything else momma’, etc. for one of the men. no. they are both fathers. period. they. are. both. fathers. no need to shove stereotypes and heteronormativity where there is no place for it. even as a joke.

i know that many will disagree with me, but i want to say right away that i have no desire to explain my point of view, responding to hate comments, so you don’t even have to bother. stay healthy, love your food and be safe 🧃🫂🖍️

[dearweirdme]

Hi Rain!

So I have been an army since 2017 and I started shipping in like 2018-ish and I have an army twt and everything. But on my army twt I only have my army friends who believe shipping is for deranged ppl lol. I have had discussions with them about shipping and they hate shippers because they believe shippers objectify the members in a way. And almost all times I agree, especially when I see fans of other ships like jkk or larry or even jklisa. When I look at these ships, I definitely think that they only look at these ppl as a tool to satisfy their own void. Analysing every single behaviour is psychotic and they need to touch grass honestly.

BUT

I just cannot bring myself to think the same about tk. I like to believe I am definitely a sane tkkr (I know there are tons of delusional tkkrs). I am queer and most of my army friends are queer as well so we do joke about the members being gay and we do joke about tk as well but I will never be able to tell them I like tk (that I ship them). I do think there is something between them. I know I could be wrong and they could just be really close friends. The point is that my shipping has always been a secret in a way. I have never told any of my army friends this. If I did they would definitely think I am total weirdo since I have seen how they view shippers. I don't really have a twt for tk just bts as a whole so I have never really had any tkkr friends as well, I have just lurked here and there.

I wanna ask you do your irls or army friends (who are not tkkrs) know about your shipping? And how do you recognise delusional behaviour in other ships vs when it comes to tk? Cuz for me I could easily spot it other ships but sometimes I am afraid I am delulu when it comes to tk😭

Hi anon!

Well, I think there’s a difference between shipping and believing two persons are together. We use the term shipping/shippers for both those things, but it’s not the same although there can be some overlap. To me shipping is something like: enjoying the idea of two people together or thinking two people would be well suited. It does not directly mean that you think those people are actually together though. Believing without shipping is also possible. Personally, I am not a shipper in essence (though i do think Jk and Tae fit together well). When I came into this fandom it was for music, I love to see BTS perform… I still go through performance videos often. When I started to look at more other footage Tae became my bias.. but I wasn’t looking for someone to ship him with.. I rarely do that.. even in my life outside of fandom, I never connect two persons that way. But something about Tae and Jk just started to stand out to me. It was only after that, that I started to look into them more.. and well here I am believing that they might be a couple.

I think the only way to figure out if a ship is real or not is to look into it. Sometimes it’s very easy (the Liskook stuff for instance) and sometimes it takes a few more looks (Jkk, though I have little difficulty with that as well). But the difference between a ship and and a real relationship will always lie in the actual connection between two people. Most of the easily debunkable ships lack in the real connection part. It’s narrated by fans using similar clothes and jewelry for instance.. and other situational stuff. That is also why for some Jkk is harder to debunk, because it is clear that Jk and Jm do have a real close bond. So imo really looking into it (as a whole, within the context of everything around them) is necessary to understand if it’s real or not.

Now this is where you will lose all faith in me 😂 (it’s been good having you around anon!) because I do believe Harry and Louis were once together. I understand if you base your thoughts on that on Larry fandom these days that it all seems very farfetched and crazy. But, during 1d Louis and Harry imo did have that real connection I talked about before. In a way to me that is even more clear than Tae and Jk (their culture is similar to mine, and they were quite obvious). I do not believe they are together now though and probably haven’t been for a while.

We could be wrong about Tae and Jk. I could be wrong about Larry. We all deal with just tiny bit of information about their lives. But I also think it’s kinda crazy to think that two members of the same band cannot fall in love. Why couldn’t they? It is a unique situation for sure, but then again that is kinda why we are all here… we think we’ve spotted something special.

I don’t really speak to my irl friends about this. I’m 41 and for some reason people already find it weird that at this age I’d be a fan of BTS.. so I don’t really wanna let them steal my joy in Tkk. I have some Tkk friends around here who I talk to. And for me that is enough. I think.. that a reason why some of us don’t feel like we can share this is because we are made to feel ashamed of our thoughts. But believing in the love two people have for each other isn’t something we should have to be ashamed of. If anything.. Tae and Jk do love each other.. no matter to what extend that might go.

[chaotic-lesbian-but-also-a-tree]

Hi!! This is your secret Santa!

We definitely have similar tastes! And I love Eurovision but as a British person it’s always very hit or miss on if we do well 😂

So because it’s Taylor’s birthday, what are 13 things you love about Taylor or being a swiftie or just anything like that?

Hope you doing good! 💛

Ah that explains the timezones, from now on I will be imagining these asks on a British accent.

And yes, happy birthday to our queen Taylor Swift!

1. The storytelling. Her songs are so rich with language features and all that English class stuff and it makes listening to her song an active experience.

2. Community. It's been a while since I've felt so at home in a fandom, where things like this can be organised and I can make friends. (♥️)

3. Theories. I love the theory based culture that is so prevalent. I don't believe most of them, but it's fun to see connections and Easter eggs, even when they're not on purpose. It makes every post, every event, into something more shared.

4. Her kindness. It's actually so nice to be in a fandom where the main person is actually a good person (I used to be a Harry Potter fan 😬). It's really heartwarming to hear all the really incredible things she's doing, and even more so that she doesn't milk them for clout.

5. It does feel a bit objectifying, but ohmygod she's so hot.

6. Her weight. (Let me explain) I am going through the age where I am most likely to develop an ed, and being a recent swiftie and looking back and seeing how happy she is now, and how she talked about it in Miss Americana has really helped me steer away from all that. Seeing her happy and regretting the era when she was policing her weight has been a really great role model.

7. How she deals with fame. As a swiftie I am very appreciative that she managed to walk the line of 'keeping her privacy' and 'telling us her secrets'. Which is a very hard thing to do esp when writing songs predominantly about her personal life.

(this is a lot harder than I thought)

8. Her cats. I love love love them so much widdle babies kitty catsss.

9. Her style. She looks so cool every time we see her and always looks so pretty.

10. Music. Such fun. She is such a good songwriter and all her songs are so good.

11. Easter eggs. Related to point number 3, but I am running out of ideas. I love how much Taylor leans into the theories. How aware she is of us and how she caters to our puzzle creature needs.

12. How much she knows and interacts with us. So many swifties feel such a strong connection with her because she makes us feel seen, which is hard in a crowd of millions.

13. The number 13. I love how she is so committed to this number. She has her thing. I respect that.

Thanks for the question ♥️♥️♥️ I'm doing good, you?

[evesaintyves]

Ok long annoying question incoming: Whenever I read your remadora stories im always interested in how you portray lupin with his relationship with sex. I always got the feel that werewolves were looked as sort of sexual predators in the wizarding world. I mean the way greyback is written was very creepy, “specializing in children”, wanting to eat hermione because of her “soft skin”, yikes.

Because of that reputation do you think lupin views himself as a sexual predator when he’s feeling just basic lust? Not even specific to tonks, like do you think he has trouble with his feelings of attraction to anyone. How do you think puberty was like for him? How does gender play into this, does he feel like he’s objectifying whatever person he’s attracted to? Would he even have sex before a relationship like tonks? Is he jealous of Sirius and James because they can be more free with their sexuality? Lol so many questions sorry

hi anon! not annoying at all, thanks for sending an ask! i'm always happy to get them, even if i'm not great about answering them in a timely manner (or at all)

tbh i'm not really a meta-writer and i don't usually fw headcanons too much outside the context of developing a story - but here are some thoughts based on the characterization choices i've made in my work. they are entirely speculative; canon has very little to say about how Remus Lupin uses his dick.

TW for sex, violence, sexual violence, wizard porn, endnotes, Moonchaser*, stuff i wrote at 4 am

so to start there are a couple of much better metas out there by other authors that you might like:

@bikelock28 has a really good meta on werewolves as sexual predators that covers this really well and explores lupin's struggle with it.

@ashesandhackles also has a great meta on the psychology of lupin's lycanthropy/marginalization called the gentleman monster

so yeah, i think you're dead on about the sexual subtext of greyback. in canon we first see people disgusted by and afraid of werewolves¹ and eventually we find out about greyback's notoriety as a child predator². Lupin obviously expresses occasional self-loathing in canon, and my take on that is that he's internalized some of the responses he gets from people aware of his status and some generally-held prejudices against werewolves—he pushes back against Harry's assertion that he's a normal person with a problem³, he refers to himself as "dangerous⁴**," he speaks of himself as having "tried to live amongst wizards⁵," which to me implies that he thinks of other wizards not as peers but as betters who tolerate him. i think his carefully neutral, people-pleasing, equivocating tendencies are his attempt to build a self around the rejection of whatever people might believe about werewolves.

do you think Lupin views himself asa predator when he's feeling basic lust?

my feeling is that, because of all these ideas he's absorbed about what werewolves are like, Lupin might pathologize and abhor some of his own thoughts & behaviors, maybe even normal/typical ones, and have a difficult relationship with urge, impulse, and desire.

How does gender play into this?

he's a boomer who hangs out with a bunch of bros, he takes a kind of patronizing attitude with Tonks in their confrontation in the hospital wing⁶, and he was written by an author who went on to make gender essentialism her whole entire deal as a person, so i feel like he's probably at least a little sexist. i think, just because it's part of the sexist background radiation we all receive, he probably understands women as vulnerable and passive-receptive in heterosexual relationships - so my thought is that he probably has extra hangups about hooking up with women. i think he'd probably have hangups about any sex where the power dynamic favored him, and there are a lot of things about penetration, exchange of fluids, etc. that seem like they might trigger any internalized ideas about himself as violent, sexually rapacious, diseased, etc.

Would he even have sex before a relationship like Tonks?

I don't particularly headcanon Lupin as lifelong-celibate before Tonks, but I get why some people do and it's fine. My personal instinct is that if he experiences sexual desire, he probably finds an outlet for it one way or another***. I think one of Lupin's specific hangups with Tonks is that she's asking for a relationship, she's asking to love him and for some kind of commitment on his part - I think he'd struggle with those more than he might struggle with casual sex. Not just because of the risks to which they'd expose Tonks; some of Lupin's behavior in canon is pretty self-serving - specifically, self-protective against conflict or rejection⁷ - and I think being in any kind of serious relationship might expose him to an uncomfortable kind of vulnerability. personally, i think that's probably a key factor in his apparent misery in the early days of his marriage and his eventual ditching of Tonks—yes, he was trying to protect her, but my suspicion is that he was trying to protect himself too: from the permanent commitments of family after a life spent moving between places and jobs and societies, from the guilt of producing a werewolf kid, and from all the risks of pain and failure that a relationship would bring.

What would puberty be like for him?

Lupin's relationship with his body seems like it must have been pretty fucked up at baseline so starting to grow face & body hair and get physically bigger (and thus harder to control during full moons at home) was probably kind of rough. early sexual feelings and the realization that sexual relationships are going to be difficult and fraught at best for him probably sucked too

Is he jealous of Sirius and James?

so there's that line in the extracanonical Lupin bio where he says of Sirius "he always got the women." i really hate the incelness of this line, but if you want to consider it canon, then sure. tbh i think most of the Pottermore stuff is kind of trash

there's no interaction i'm aware of between Lupin & Sirius in book-canon that would give me the impression that he's jealous, and Lupin always seems to warmly & fondly remember James so... i think it'd be fine if a writer wanted to try and build a case for this dynamic between Lupin and his friends, but it doesn't resonate with me specifically. honestly, I think it'd be easier to make the case that he had a little crush on James than that he was jealous.

if you've read this far, hi, and also i just wanted to mention that i have a fic coming out in July that explores some of Lupin's struggle with—and terror of—his sexuality so stay tuned if you're into that

*god i fucking hate ship names how about "Rames" "Jemus" "Pupin"

** obviously, a werewolf is dangerous at the full moon and it makes sense to be afraid of encountering one. as a reason not to be in a romantic relationship, though, it suggests to me that Lupin thinks of himself as violent/untrustworthy/impure in a general sense

*** ok new headcanon Lupin is one of those guys with an absolutely massive and meticulously-organized porn collection. i bet wizards could make a pretty dope fleshlight. like remember that care of magical creatures book that's just like a weird hairy animal mouth? okay i'll stop

¹ PoA, pp. 336-337

² HBP, pp. 334-335

³ HBP, p. 335

⁴ HBP, p. 615

⁵ HBP, p. 333

⁶ HBP, p. 615

⁷ PoA, pp. 345-346; OoTP, pp. 719, 721

[holyshit]

He really went from catching flags to catching panties thanks to the environment hshq have created… I can’t even imagine how disappointed, grossed out and disturbed he feels on this tour where he’s surrounded by people only wanting one thing from him and being bolder than they’ve ever been before. (Obviously the fault is all on the gross people who are not understanding the basic human decency but bc of the image hshq have been selling they’ve convinced themselves Harry wants this and they feel validated). Wish he wasn’t as nice of a person as he is and just walked out.

hmm it's complicated because i've seen a lot of the conversation (not from you, just in general) turn to "they should expect this kinda of behaviour with how watermelon sugar was marketed!!" etc, and i think that's bordering on the idea that people can't write sexual songs/make sexual art/talk about sex/have sex without the expectation of people being nasty about it and sexualizing the person behind it constantly, which isn't fair. i don't think musicians should have to make a choice between being able to explore sex openly in their art/image/whatever else and not being sexually objectified constantly. they should be able to coexist, as it does with a lot of other artists out there. of course the womanizer image that has been ever present since the 1d days contributes to that, but in a perfect world, this still shouldn't happen as that still borders on that icky idea that people who are openly sexual should expect unwanted sexual attention, which is not fair.

i think the problem ultimately started with how he has always had a hyper-sexual image since the 1d days, starting from when he was a minor. so, once fans had something more tangible to latch onto like WS, they jumped on it. that, paired with the kind of lack of boundaries and hypersexualized social media culture that currently exists where we have literal children/teenagers saying shit like "choke me daddy" to celebs on twitter on the regular, has all come together in a hurricane of nastiness in harry's fanbase where people have objectified him for so long already and are now feeling validated in openly doing so more than ever. although there has always been a good chunk of inappropriate fans in both the 1d and solo days, it's legitimately upsetting seeing how much the vibe has shifted this tour.

so i think, other than the obvious failing of 1dhq to protect him when he was a literal child from an overly sexual image and to not fuel the rumours constantly, where both 1dhq and hshq has really failed him is not letting him openly stand up for himself more. he gets a small polite comment in every once in a while, but i think he should be able to put his foot down and say "this isn't appropriate/i don't appreciate this/etc" when fans are being nasty. like what you said, i wish he was able to just walk out... but i think a combination of him being very nice and not wanting to upset fans paired with hshq's desired image of him as being a blank slate for people to project what they want onto him makes it much less likely that he'll be able to.

[vivithefolle]

I just wanna ask, and don’t get mad at me cause I’m genuinely curious, how do you stan Ron? Like, I like him, but he is definitely misogynistic (slut shaming Ginny, treating hermione like she owes him something and being mad that she kissed someone years before, always objectifying Fleur, and acting like girls who aren’t pretty aren’t worth much). Like, by DH I feel like he definitely has mostly grown out of it, but still 6/7 books he’s kinda unbearable IMO

how do you stan Ron? 

Like this:

OH MY GOD HAVE YOU SEEN. HAVE YOU SEEN HIM DID YOU SEE MY BABY OH MY GOD. WHEN HARRY’S ARM HAD GONE KABLOOIE BECAUSE OF LOCKHART AND HE. RON. HE WAS. HELPING HIM GET DRESSED???? OH MY GOD BABY???? HHHHNNNNGGGG. AND. AND. AND ALSO WHEN HE. OMG. WHEN HE WAS PUTTING FOOD ON HIS FRIENDS’ PLATES LIKE. MOM FRIEND ALERT MOM FRIEND ALERT MOM FRIEND ALERT. AND THE WAY HE’S ALWAYS BLUSHING AND BEING EMBARRASSED AT THE SLIGHTEST PRAISE BUT ALSO HE’S SO DESPERATELY SEEKING IT BUT HE KNOWS HE CAN’T TAKE IT AND EEK EEK EEK THAT’S SO CUTE SOMEONE HOLD ME IT’S ADORABLE RONALD WEASLEY YOU ARE SO GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME IT’S ILLEGAL TO BE THIS CUTE!!!!

Ok and then.

he is definitely misogynistic 

No. And here’s why.

slut shaming Ginny 

Yes, that was wrong. And guess what, that’s also something he probably - scratch that, definitely - picked up from his mother. And also his brothers, recall how Fred and George too don’t like to see Ginny go around with boys. There’s also something to recall: Ron was there when Ginny was taken into the Chamber of Secrets and learned later that it was because she had trusted an older guy. You seriously wouldn’t be paranoid about who your sister dates after that? It was wrong. Yeah. And he more than learned his lesson when Ginny clapped back by virgin-shaming him and basically told him that he was childish because he hadn’t have a relationship yet. So would that make Ginny sexist too? Or is it just for Ron?

treating hermione like she owes him something 

..................... uuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh... when? When the fuck did anything like that happen?

He made a prat of himself at the Yule Ball, that much is obvious. But he didn’t tell her anything like “you should be with me” or didn’t insinuate anything of the sort. He was a jealous bitch but kept attacking Krum, not Hermione.

If you mean in sixth year when he treated her with “icy, sneering indifference” for the course of two weeks, yeah that was bad but that’s not “treating her like she owes him something”, the fuck?

being mad that she kissed someone years before 

Yeah. I know. And that was bad, ooooh you got me to admit Ron did bad stuff, that’s what you want to see, right? And I reckon he was also mad that she hid it from him, and that he had to learn it from his sister of all people. We see Ron handles what he considers betrayals terribly. I have some meta discussing the possibility that he has a form of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria.

always objectifying Fleur 

Um... no, he doesn’t. He makes a stupid comment about her once in GOF then stops. Let’s also fucking remember that Fleur is a Veela, she literally makes guys stare at her as part of her powers!! I’m not blaming her because she’s literally born that way, but you can’t blame someone who is under magical compulsion either.

acting like girls who aren’t pretty aren’t worth much 

So tell me why he was friends with Hermione then?

Because Hermione wasn’t Emma Watson the super hawt sexy model goddess. Hermione was Mrs Generic. Until this once at the Yule Ball when she got the pretty princess perfect Mary Sue makeover but then stopped because she had to remain ~relatable uwu~.

Again. Ron made stupid sexist comments. But it’s actively shown that he doesn’t follow up on them. If he did indeed live by the motto “girls who aren’t pretty aren’t worth much”, explain to me why he wasn’t simping and drooling all over Padma Patil who is explicitly stated to be one of the prettiest girls at school when she was his date? Why exactly did he ignore her and was a miserable twat the whole evening instead of basking in the joy of having snagging a girl that was “worth it”? Well surprise, it’s because HE ACTUALLY ISN’T LIKE THAT AND WHAT HE SAYS IS MAYBE SHIT HIS “COOL OLDER BROTHERS” SAY AND HE THINKS THAT BY EXTENSION IT WOULD MAKE HIM COOL TO REPEAT IT. MIMETISM, THAT'S BASIC FUCKING HUMAN PSYCHOLOGY FOR FUCKING TODDLERS MY FUCKING GOD.

Like, by DH I feel like he definitely has mostly grown out of it, 

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so. so why. so why wouldn’t you. use that. as a reason. to stan him.

like.

fuck all the “hurr durr ron weasley the boy who made it out of the friendzone!!!!” bullshit, let’s start going with “Ron Weasley, the Boy who became a Man, and not one of those 'uugghh im such an alpha male’ ones but one that’s got the balls to say ‘hey love, I’ve got an idea, what if you kept doing that job you love and feel passionate about while I support you and do the majority of the childcare while also working a smaller job on the side so we’re never short on money’“

Why you people gotta be “yeah I like Ron BUTT” when you know full-well this fucking awful fandom will rake him over hot coals over the slightest mistake he does - worse, will actively go out of their way to interpret his positive moments in the most negative way possible??? Fuck off with that bullshit. Ron dared to say bad stuff omygah big deal, he was forgiven for it all and you’re just all cowards looking to feel “pure” by telling yourself “oh yeah but he was problematic once uwu”. FUCK. THAT. NOISE.

but still 6/7 books he’s kinda unbearable IMO 

And IMO he’s not, funny how that works

So.

I guess it’s impossible to stan Ron because he was problematic uwu.

Ok.

Then I hereby decree that it’s impossible to stan Hermione Granger because:

“I’ll bet you wish you hadn’t given up Divination now, don’t you, Hermione?” asked Parvati, smirking. [...] “Not  really,”  said  Hermione  indifferently,  who  was  reading  the  Daily Prophet. “I’ve never really liked horses.” She turned a page of the newspaper, scanning its columns. “He’s not a horse, he’s a centaur!” said Lavender, sounding shocked. “A gorgeous centaur . . .” sighed Parvati. “Either  way,  he’s  still  got  four  legs,”  said  Hermione  coolly.  “Any-way, I thought you two were all upset that Trelawney had gone?” - Order of the Phoenix, ch 27

wow casual use of a racial slur yay!!! A+

And it’s also forbidden to stan Harry Potter either since:

It was raining hard now, and she was nowhere to be seen. He simply did not understand what had happened; half an hour ago they had been getting along fine. “Women!”  he  muttered  angrily,  sloshing  down  the  rain-washed  street with his hands in his pockets. “What did she want to talk about Cedric  for  anyway?  Why  does  she  always want to drag up a subject that makes her act like a human hosepipe?” - Order of the Phoenix, ch 25

and

“Harry! There you are, thank goodness! Hi, Luna!”  “What’s  happened  to  you?”  asked  Harry,  for  Hermione  looked  distinctly  disheveled,  rather  as  though she had just fought her way out of a thicket of Devil’s Snare.  “Oh,  I’ve  just  escaped  —  I  mean,  I’ve  just  left  Cormac,”  she  said.  “Under  the  mistletoe,”  she  added in explanation, as Harry continued to look questioningly at her.  “Serves you right for coming with him,” he told her severely.  “I thought he’d annoy Ron most,” said Hermione dispassionately. “I debated for a while about Zacharias Smith, but I thought, on the whole —”  “You considered Smith?” said Harry, revoked. - Half-Blood Prince

Victim-blaming! Nice Harry, nice. Always classy.

Ok, Ginny stanning is already cancelled because she virgin-shamed Ron, right, so who’s left, who’s left... ah yeah:

“There you go,” said Fred proudly. “Best range of love potions you’ll find anywhere.” - Half-Blood Prince

Selling date rape drugs proudly ouh là là. Bye Fred.

"Do they work?” she asked.  “Certainly they work, for up to twenty-four hours at a time depending on the weight of the boy in question...”  “...and the attractiveness of the girl,” said George, reappearing suddenly at their side. “But we’re not  selling  them  to  our  sister,”  he  added,  becoming  suddenly  stern,  “not  when  she’s  already  got  about five boys on the go from what we’ve...”  “Whatever you’ve heard from Ron is a big fat lie,” said Ginny calmly, leaning forward to take a small pink pot off the shelf.

Assuming that only girls use love potions, and only on boys. Men never rape in JKR’s world, only women do, you heard it from George Weasley here folks, I’m just passing on the message. Ah and I hope you’re also starting the Fred And George Hate Club given how he’s also slut-shaming Ginny.

“What’s this?”  “Guaranteed  ten-second  pimple  vanisher,”  said  Fred.  “Excellent  on  everything  from  boils  to  blackheads,  but  don’t  change  the  subject.  Are  you  or  are  you  not  currently  going  out  with  a  boy  called Dean Thomas?” “Yes, I am,” said Ginny. “And last time I looked, he was definitely one boy, not five. What are those?”  She  was  pointing  at  a  number  of  round  balls  of  fluff  in  shades  of  pink  and  purple,  all  rolling  around the bottom of a cage and emitting high-pitched squeaks.  “Pygmy  Puffs,”  said  George.  “Miniature  puffskeins,  we  can’t  breed  them  fast  enough.  So  what  about Michael Corner?”  “I  dumped  him,  he  was  a  bad  loser,”  said  Ginny,  putting  a  finger  through  the  bars  of  the  cage  and watching the Pygmy Puffs crowd around it. “They’re really cute!”  “They’re  fairly  cuddly,  yes,”  conceded  Fred.  “But  you’re  moving  through  boyfriends  a  bit  fast,  aren’t you?”  Ginny turned to look at him, her hands on her hips. There was such a Mrs. Weasley-ish glare on her face that Harry was surprised Fred didn’t recoil.  “It’s none of your business. And I’ll thank you” she added angrily to Ron, who had just appeared at George’s elbow, laden with merchandise, “not to tell tales about me to these two!”

Ah, good on you for defending yourself, Ginny, but remember, Ginny stanning is prohibited because she’s been problematic in the past and is gonna be problematic in the future and that’s baaaaaaad. Careful kids, don’t get ideas. It’s problematic to like people who’ve done problematic things.

So I guess nobody can like anything or anyone now. Sorry guys. Liking things is evil, what if the thing you liked had, OR USED TO HAVE, *gasp* flaws, can’t take that risk, ohmygah.

[baixueagain]

diff anon - re the racist, etc stuff already in harry potter, it is definitely there, but it's also like..... not extraordinarily different from the general atmosphere of 90s UK. it should be called out and discussed! but presenting jkr as like, always having been a hate group leader is dangerous bc it ignores how people get inducted into hate groups and the possibility of intervention. very calvinist mindset.

It's absolutely there. I've talked about it in multiple posts, in fact. But no, those attitudes aren't out of the ordinary even today in some places in the UK. Doesn't make it okay or right, but also doesn't make JKR an exceptional paragon of badness (at the time, anyway).

And yes ignoring how radicalization can target both blind spots and weak points is extremely dangerous.

Something to remember is this: radicals always, always think that their opinion is the correct and accurate one. You don't become radical for something you disagree with, you run into a group or individual or whatnot that tells you something that resonates with your own experiences of the world and then supplies you with additional information that fills in your knowledge gaps.

JKR's experience, according to her own words, was this: that many men are abusive, duplicitous, and will go out of their way to harm women. Additionally, that the general wider culture hates women and wants them silenced. Then she came into contact with an ideology that tells her "Yes, that's absolutely correct. And look at what these men* are doing now because they love objectifying and hurting women so much, and look how our woman-hating culture is supporting them!"**

And that's both confirming something she already believes to be correct while reinforcing her with new information. It doesn't require that she already know about trans issues or hate trans people: it only, at the very bare minimum, requires that she be ignorant of trans issues. So she hears something that certainly sounds correct in a lot of ways and she has a gap of education that would allow the new idea to take root, and boom, the seeds are planted in fertile ground.

That's just one possible scenario, obviously, but it is how it works in many cases and (as I've said before) there's a good chance it's what happened here, too. Note that this doesn't excuse her for failing to educate herself or to think critically about what she was learning! This is just how the contagion often makes contact.

So to bring it back around to my initial point, if radicals always think that their opinion is the correct and accurate one, how do any of us know that we aren't being radicalized, too, only by groups/movements/etc that tell us new information based on what we already believe to be true?

That's what I mean when I say that radicalization can happen to anyone.

* Trans women are women; I'm just saying that TERFs call them men.

** Again, I (obviously) don't believe this, but it's what TERFs do believe.

[loudsuitlover]

A friends to lovers little thing

If today Y/N were to talk about her friendship with Harry, she’d probably not even mention Mitch, even if she did know him through him. But that has been years ago and even though Mitch was as close to Harry as he was to her, Harry and herself had develop their own friendship, where Mitch was always welcome but not always needed and she didn’t feel Mitch’s absence like a tragedy when she hang out alone with Harry. Which happened quite a lot. 

Like right now, when they are both sitting on Harry’s backyard in LA, and her feet are up on his lap as she takes the sun in behind her sunglasses and he absent-mindlesly draws figures on her jeans-covered calves while he scrolls through his emails. 

“H” she knows he’s listening even if he’s not looking at her “do you think things are going to go back to fully normal after this whole coronavirus pandemic is over?” 

Then he looks up at her. 

“How do you mean?” 

“I mean” she shrugs “you know, I can see that people are a lot more wary now... Me myself I’m a lot more wary... I mean Europeans are starting to act a lot like countries which do not have a public health care system like... We’re afraid of getting sick, you know? And that means we pull away from the sick and that’s just wrong, isn’t it? I don’t know.” She shrugs. 

“I mean it’s hard but... wrong? I don’t think it’s wrong. I think it’s what we need to do.” 

“I know, yeah, but it’s like people are afraid of getting sick not only for being sick themselves but for what being sick means, you know? Like at work there was this girl who tested positive, she was asymptomatic, and everyone was like talking shit about her, you know? Like calling her irresponsable and I was horrified by that. I mean she was sick, when did we start blaming the sick for their sickness?” 

“Yeah, I see what you mean. But people are afraid, you shouldn’t take it to heart, love.” He smirks. 

She smiles and snorts a chuckle at the way he is always so chilled in LA. 

“I hope you know, if you get sick, I’ll get sick too.” 

He rolls his eyes but chuckles. 

“That’s just plain silly, Y/N. I wouldn’t let you.” 

“You would kick me out of your house?” Her mouth opens in the shape of an o and he raises his eyebrows while he nods. “That’s so rude!”

“I’d do it out of love!” He explains. “These days the way to say I love you is staying the fuck away.”

“And wearing a mask.” 

“And wearing a mask.” He agrees. 

“I think masks did a lot of good to ugly people.” 

And like that she changes the topic and makes Harry laugh and they both talk about how useful masks can be. When he doesn’t feel like shaving he doesn’t have to, when she has a zit on her chin for her period there’s no worry and he laughs along because he thinks it’s ridiculous that she’s ever worried about the way she looks. 

He met her four years ago in his own house. Mitch was over and they were going to order pizza for dinner but he said he had plans with a good friend and Harry said he could invite them if he wanted to so he did and there you were. 

You arrived twenty minutes after the invitation and the first thing you said he remembers was this apartment is fucking massive and then your eyes had met his and yours had gone wide and embarrassed while he had just laughed at your honesty. 

You had known who he was beforehand and you hadn’t pretended you didn’t but you had admitted you were not really a fan of One Direction just because you were not really a fan of anything- you didn’t believe in the fandom thing- or so you thought before he proved to you that you were a fan of a lot of things on just that first night. You would talk and then he would say so then one could say you’re a fan of chocolate and you would laugh and find him funny. 

And then when the pizza was over and Mitch was mindlessly playing some chords on his guitar, you were both sitting on the same couch and your bodies were turned to the side so you were facing one another and it had been like such a magnetic connection in just about three hours he had fancied you and you were sipping from your beer bottle and the way you brought it to your mouth and rested your lips against the glass circle had him mesmerised and he thought you were really such a pretty girl and that you were funny and confident and you looked kind to him, even though he didn’t really know you, but he found himself wanting to know more and he wondered whether you would yes to dinner with him. He scratched the back of his neck then as if that was going to settle down the blush creeping up when Mitch talked. 

“Hey, Y/N, we never got to talk about just how mad you were with “men as a gender” last week.” He reminded. “D’you still wanna talk about it?” 

She sighed and had a sip of her beer. 

“Well that depends on how you two are going to take it. If you’re going to be the kind of guy who feels attacked and tries to sell me that bullshit not all mean are the same then I’d rather not. I don’t feel like arguing tonight.” 

And Harry liked that too. That you were fiery and had a mind of your own and had no fear to talk about it. Not because you were a woman, because he thought some men were lacking that too, but because you clearly had some ideas and he had always liked that about people.

“So we’re just supposed to agree with you on everything?” Mitch smirked. 

“Not at all. You don’t have to agree. You just have to shut the fuck up if you don’t.” 

They both threw their head backs and laugh and Y/N herself chuckled too. She didn’t mean that and Mitch knew that, he could always speak up his mind and disagree with her and she would take it but she had had enough and she was tired of men as a gender, of genders entirely, and Mitch had always been the ear who would listen to every little complaint she had so she another sip of beer and then she started talking. 

“You know how you told me everything with Brandon was going to end up badly.” She pointed at him and he nodded. “Well, you were right.” 

Then she tilted her neck so her eyes met Harry’s and she explained. 

“Brandon is a mutual friend of Mitch and mine.” 

“More hers than mine.” Mitch clarified but she just rolled her eyes so Harry smirked.

“They have this weird competition going on, I think it’s the testosterone again.” 

“Not at all. I am like the least toxic masculine guy in England and you know that. It’s him who seems to have a problem with me.” He shrugged. “We know each other from high school and, don’t take me wrong, I love the guy because he’s like family at this point, but it’s true that he always seems to measure himself with me, you know? And then Y/N had the great idea to sleep with him and that only made it worse because, you know, Y/N’s my best friend and I’m her best friend so in his mind, I was a thread.” He chuckled. “Me, being a thread, as if I would ever date her.” He joked. 

Y/N threw a pillow at him that he dogded thanks to years of practice and then she got back to her explanation to Harry. 

“The thing is, I did meet Brandon through Mitch and I liked him” she looked at Mitch “that’s the truth and we were friends for a long time because he had a weird thing with a girl, I didn’t want to be a part of it and all that but then last summer something changed, you know? Like I actually thought he might be interested in me so I flirted with him, despite Mitch’s relentless advice not to-”

“But she’s never been known for listening to me.” He intervened, making her roll her eyes again. 

“And so we became... You know... Special friends.” 

“Friends with benefits, she means.” Mitch explained making Harry smirk. 

“I think he figured that out.” She scolded him. “Well, two weeks ago, we went out and we were drunk, at least I know I was drunk off my ass, and he like literally stopped me at the washroom door and told me that he didn’t want to keep shagging with me because he liked a girl.” 

“Shit.” Harry said. 

“No, that’s not all.” Her eyes widened. “He said he wanted to let me know because I needed to change my behaviour because he knew I still wanted to sleep with him.” 

Harry’s eyes widen and settled on Mitch’s and Mitch just nodded as if saying yeah, I know he’s a dick but he’s our dick, I guess. 

“And the thing is what bothered me is realizing what he thinks of me, you know? He doesn’t see me as a friend and I wonder if he ever has or if he did and then it changed the minute he saw me naked- like what the fuck? So that’s where my problem with men as a gender began because then a few days later, I’m talking about this to another friend from work and you know what his reaction was?” She gave them a few seconds to answer but they both remained silent. “He asked me out! Like- what? I thought we were friends! But we’re not! He was just waiting to ask me out. So then I was like do I really have any male friends who do not want to see me naked? Other than Mitch?” 

“Ryan.” Mitch offered then.

“Ryan is gay.” 

“Still a male.” 

She clicked her tongue but smiled. That had Harry thinking, he even felt bad for thinking of her like he had done before she told them all of that. He was considering asking her out himself then but after all that, he figured that’s not what she would want so he didn’t and for days after that he still thought about it. 

It happened to him sometimes too and he knew some people would never get it, those who would say wait, so you’re complaining about being pretty? And then he remembered that Mika song are you wishing to be ugly like me? But no, it was not about being pretty or being ugly, it was about being objectified and he knew that was how Y/N had felt because he had felt that way sometimes too, so he didn’t ask her out. Instead he buried his feelings and he pretended he didn’t like her but damn right he did... 

He liked the way she would bring up weird deep conversations any minute, he liked that thin black line she would get on her lips whenever she drank red wine because her lips were always so dry but she was too forgetful to have care with something as simple as lipbalm, he liked the clothes she wore and her scent and pretty much everything that had to do with her. And he’s liked that for four years but he’s always been afraid of saying something about it because he didn’t want to add to her feeling of being objectified. 

But then four years later she was coming home from a date with Nate, a friend of a friend, and the guy had been nice and sweet but he hadn’t been as funny as Harry or smelled as good as Harry or moved as lanky and clumsy as Harry and he definitely didn’t have Harry’s sex appeal and she just didn’t like him like he liked Harry. 

She rests her head on the door and sighs like a teenager because it’s been four fucking years of him being nothing but the sweetest, kindest friend; but she still can’t take him out of her mind. And this is the same old story, the girl falling in love with someone so clearly out of her league because Harry would never be interested in her like that- that’s just plain silly- but he loved her and he was so good at loving... 

Sarah: How was the date? x

Y/N: Like every other... 

Sarah: Pal, you’re the Grinch... 

Y/N laughed at that. So what if she was? She rather liked the Grinch. She looked at the clock on her kitchen, it was too late to call Harry so she went to bed because the sooner she fell asleep, the sooner she would stop thinking about him. Even if it was just to dream with him... 

He called her tonight too. He has lost the count of who called who or rather he had never counted. He figures those things some people did in relationships had more to do with pride than with actual healthy patterns and he called Y/N because he wanted to spend time with her, quite simply, and now they are both sprawled out like cats on the couches on his living room after watching Now You See Me and he is still sipping from his glass of wine when she asks him. 

“Harry” 

“Yeah.” 

“Do you think I’m pretty?” 

He swallows the sip of wine he’s taken as his eyes set on her. She’s changed her position on the couch so she’s facing him but she’s still somewhat lying down so her eyelashes almost hit her cheeks because she has to look at him from an angle. He takes a deep breath, he studies her, he doesn’t know what she wants him to say. 

“‘F course.” So he goes with the truth. “I think you’re beautiful.” 

“Really?” 

He frowns then. Is she being insecure now? She’s going to drive him crazy. He rests his now empty glass on the table and leans on his elbows on his knees before he breathes in. 

“What’s this about?” 

She purses her lips and looks away from him shaking her head. The wine had given her some courage, the wine and all the thinking she did the night before- maybe she should say something because if it has been four years it’s because even though the rational part of her knew it was impossible for him to feel the same, there was a little of irrational hope that he did; but if he said it- if he said no, Y/N, I just love you as a friend then she would have no reason not to move on and she would probably ask him for some time and space until she could mend her heart and then they could be friends without their friendship interfering on her love life. 

“Can you please not do that?” He begs. 

“What?” She tilts her neck and looks at him. 

“Avoiding confrontation.” 

She frowns. 

“I’m not avoiding confrontation! Confrontation of what? We’re not arguing.” 

“No, we’re not. But you asked me whether I thought you were pretty and I answered and asked you why you’re asking me that and now you’re not answering me.” 

“It’s silly, H...” She shakes her head. 

“Well, I want to know.” He presses. 

She sighs. She’s going to say it. 

“It’s just... We’re such good friends. I thought you would be honest with me about that.” 

Except she doesn’t. 

He nods. 

“Why would you need me to tell you you’re beautiful? Do you not have mirrors?” 

She smiles. 

“I just wanted to know if you thought I was pretty.” She smiles. “That’s all.” 

She leans over to the table to rest her empty glass of wine as well and Harry lets his eyes set on every inch of her body. The way that soft green cardigan has almost fallen from her shoulder, her strapped crop top and the way her cheeks has turned pink. And she hasn’t said anything, but that’s the first time he thinks she might fancy him too so he sighs. He has no problem in taking this slow. After four years, what difference does a day make? 

“Well, I do.” He smirks. “I think you’re gorgeous.” 

And that’s how their thoughts about what the other might feel started to change but their relationship didn’t yet change much. If anything, they didn’t look away anymore when the other catch them staring and the sheepish smirks came more often but they didn’t say anything still and it was nice and comfortable and nothing needed to be said. 

And then this morning Harry just appeared on Y/N’s apartment very early when she was still on her PJs and he dragged her inside her bedroom when she claimed she had to study because he had found this very nice small village that he wanted to check out and he had heard they served good food on the town too so you got changed as he waited downstairs. 

“Can I at least have breakfast?” 

“Sure.” He smiles. 

She rolls her eyes like she always did and swats his chest to push him away but that time he holds her wrist and pulls from her until she has to press her free hand against his chest to stop herself from colliding against him and he just smiles. 

“Don’t you roll your eyes at me, love.” 

“Or what?” She challenges. 

His green eyes fall to her lips for a second and she feels her heartbeat accelerating. Please, God, have him kissing me. But his eyes flicker back to hers and he lets her wrist go with a teasing smirk. When she turns around, she rolls her eyes again. 

After breakfast, she’s sitting on the passenger seat of his convertible and he’s driving one hour and a half away until they get to this very lovely clear sand, clear water beach and they step out of the car as he smiles like a kid. 

“Are we in Santa Barbara?” 

“Almost.” He smiles. 

He doesn’t tell her the name of the town and she doesn’t really need to know, all she cares about is out of all the people in the world, he chose her to spend the day with at this town and she quite likes that. 

As they walk up a cement hill towards the town, Harry’s arm wraps around her shoulders and he pulls her to him, pressing a kiss on her hairline and she feels her heart fluttering but not in a painful way, like it sometimes had in the last four years, but in a good one, in a new one, in a way that doesn’t feel inappropriate. 

They walk around the town like that and she likes the way old ladies look at them, probably think he looks like James Dean, but somehow she feels like they think they make a good couple and that thought had never crossed her mind in four years. 

“I like this town.” She says. 

“You do? Me too. I was thinking about filming the Golden music video here.” 

“Love that song too.” 

She stops so she can look into his eyes and he holds her hazel gaze and he wishes he could tell her she is golden but instead he licks his lips inside his mouth so his smirk doesn’t give him away. 

“Thank you, love.” 

It’s true she loves that song. She loves everything she writes or performs, but that song especially, it just feels like he’s writing her own feelings towards him and she felt so exposed when she listened to it the first time because she was so sure he knew it all then but his jade eyes didn’t leave hers for as long as the song was coming out of their headphones and he was sitting in front of her and she almost cried right there but somehow she managed not to. 

And then they keep walking, and they even stop at some souvenir shops and joke around with ugly hats and sunglasses and then they enter a cheese shop and buy two different cheeses and they talk about it like a married couple would and the old man from the shop really did think they were together because Harry held the door for her twice and because of the way they stared at each other when the other wasn’t looking. 

She hasn’t stopped thinking about the Golden song ever since he had mentioned it and his arm had kept wrapping around her shoulders and his hand resting on her waist when they had to pull to the side because a car was passing on a narrow street or when the carriages of the market had passed them by and he had pulled her to him so they wouldn’t accidentally hit her. 

“Are you hungry?” He asks. 

“I could eat.” 

He smirks. He could eat too... 

“Jeff told me about this place... He was there with Glenne, it’s a good one, right by the beach like you like.” 

She smiles and wants to kiss him as he looks down at his phone with a frown checking for the name of the place. 

“H, why are you not seeing anyone?” She smirks. 

His phone is still on his hand when he looks up at her and her smirk seems to be contagious. He shrugs but his eyes look into hers and it gives him away. 

“What’s with the smile?” He asks. 

This time it’s her who shrugs. 

“I’m just happy you chose to bring me here.” 

“Are you surprised?” 

She shrugs again. 

“I mean... This looks like the perfect plan for a date. You know, the beach, the nice restaurant, the lovely town...” 

“It could be a date” he smirks “if you want.” 

They both stare into each other’s eyes and people keep walking past them and cars keep driving down the road behind them but for all they care the world has stopped for these few seconds. They are both smirking and their hearts are beating fast like teenager’s before they kiss. 

“Are you being serious?” 

“Yeah.” He confesses. “You’re beautiful, you like my music... I don’t see why I wouldn’t take you out.” 

She rolls her eyes again and he realizes he just made it sound like a joke but she’s been playing with his mind for years, she can take some mind game for a while too. Let’s see how she reacts too... She could turn it back into a real proposition, which is what she does. 

“Then, yes, I do want it to be a date.” 

He snorts a chuckle and she grins at him. 

“Then a date it is.” 

And for the first time in four years of friendship, he holds her hand as they walk towards the restaurant by the beach and it feels so right and so comfortable, she even caresses the back of his hand with her thumb. 

But they didn’t kiss that day either because none of them was brave enough so despite all the times they had stood in front of one another and their heart had beaten hard and fast against their throats, they hadn’t dared so that night again she went to bed thinking it was all in her mind. 

And then four days later he was having lunch with Mitch on Café Habana and he was munching on his salad when his friend cleared his throat. 

“So what the fuck are you doing with Y/N?” 

“Pardon?” 

“I know you like her. I’m not an idiot but,dude, she’s like... Bad.” 

“What do you mean she’s bad?” 

“She thinks you don’t!” He shrugged. 

“How would she think I don’t?” He frowned. “I’m so obvious!”

“She’s a jerk.” Mitch shook his head and Harry almost chuckled. “But if you hurt her, I’m going to have to kill you.” 

“I won’t.” 

“Then talk to her, mate. She’s driving herself crazy.” 

“She’s been driving me crazy for four years, mate.” 

“You’ve liked her for four years?” Mitch frowned. “But, wait, when did you guys even meet?” 

“Four years ago.” Harry nodded. 

“Wait, what?” Mitch chuckled because  “So you’ve liked her since you met her.” 

“Yeah...” He blushed then and Mitch started laughing. “What’s so funny?” 

“The day after the pizzas at your house, she asked me if you were single, if you had ever dated someone non model, non famous, if she was anything like your type...”

“Really?” 

Mitch nodded. 

“Why didn’t you say anything to me?” 

“Mate, you know. I don’t do that.” 

“You’re telling me I could have been with her these last four years and I didn’t because you don’t do that?” 

So that night after talking to Jeff about the Golden music video, he picked her favourite sushi and knocked on her door around dinner time. She was on her housewear, like she liked to call it, so an old t-shirt of his and cottom shorts- very short- and his eyes inevitably roam her body before he even said hello. 

“What’s this?” She asks.

“Sushi number 25 from Quimos.” 

“Oh, God, I love you. Come in.” 

He smiles differently that time, despite all the times he had heard she loved him, because that time he thought she might mean it in a different way. 

She takes the bag from him and walks towards the kitchen, him following her suit and only when they’re in the kitchen he sees the mess she’s made with flour and cinammon and oranges all over. 

“What were you doing, love?” 

“Doughnuts.” She giggles. “Do you wanna help or should we let it be until after dinner?” 

“Can you even let it be?”

“I probably shouldn’t.” She giggles. 

He laughs too and places his jacket on one of the kitchen stools before he turns to her and presses a kiss on her cheek, his hand gripping her waist through his own t-shirt. 

“You look beautiful, Y/N.” 

Her hazel, to him golden eyes, look into his own and as stupid as it might sound, it’s like he can hear his own song in his mind, the instrumental part, and he knows she’s scared but he’s going to kiss her now. 

So with a determination he’s been lacking for four years, he leans in and captures his lips with hers and he feels her breath getting caught on her throat as her lips welcome his. It takes a few seconds to react but when she does, it’s like they’ve been kissing one another for years. Their lips adjust to one another like a ring fits a finger and their hands know where to stand even if now they can probably touch places they never have before but for now they don’t. For now his hands linger on her waist for longer than he’s ever dared and hers tangle on his hair and caress the back of his neck and that freckle he has on the line where his neck meets his shoulder and her tongue timidly comes out at last making him moan and press his hips against hers mindlessly. 

“I should have done that last saturday.” He explains when he pulls back. 

She’s still fighting for breath and her smile almost doesn’t let her peck his lips as many times as she wants but he holds her waist and chuckles as she covers his face with kisses. 

[buscandoelparaiso]

Can I just say that I’m happy that you found other interests? Not only “larry” I ser the Italian players make you really happy. Don’t take this the wrong way. 😅 It’s nice to see that you’re not very invested like you were months ago. Especially in stunts etc...Sometimes this fandom becomes too much. I like the Italian players too, thanks to you. Especially Manuel Locatelli and Matteo Pessina. Hahaha🥰

ahah i did not lose interest in anything, i'm always a 1D fan, a 1D blog, A LARRIE, etc.etc. i'm just spacing a bit and enjoying other things while they happen because nothing is really happening in the 1D fandom other than harry's tour (which is basically the same thing every night) and like i said, my blog has always been a mix of everything so it hasn't really changed from its original idea.... when 1D are/were more active i'd blog about that, also i agree with you having other interests is a good thing and feels kind of refreshing. football has always been an interest of mine it has just been enhanced by the eurocup which brought the enthusiasm back in me (it never really actually went away though), i've always found it a pretty exciting sport and i am also in when it comes to objectifying hot footballers lol i'm glad you enjoy the variety of content and i'm glad you like locatelli miaomiao and the national team you have an excellent taste

[atlafan]

Just Friends

a/n: I can’t believe I’ve been driven to write one of these, but here I am. All of the italics conversations are just flashbacks for context. this is a slow build (which I usually don’t do), and there is smut (words - 9K)

“I can’t believe we’re finally doing this.” He said, looking down at me with the hungriest eyes I had ever seen.

Harry and I have been friends for a long time, since we were teenagers. Each taking our different paths down the fame walkway. I had my own hit TV show, which just ended after ten years. Not too shabby. While also continuing a normal education, and making music. He had the band, and world tours.

We tried once. When I was seventeen and he was nineteen. I was a senior in high school, and he was just starting to film his 3D concert tour. When I was in the area for something I would let him know. Often times I was on the same talk shows as him and the band. We were good friends, great friends really. I had a group chat with the boys, but Harry and I were the closest. We tried doing one of those “together when we’re together things”, but all I felt comfortable doing was make out. That’s when he started seeing Taylor. I got dragged into this weird love triangle. When I told him I would be done with him completely, because I just couldn’t handle the drama, he broke things off with her.

We went back to having aggressive make out sessions, him always being a gentleman, never making me do anything I didn’t feel comfortable with. The media suspected something deep was between us, but we would just say we were good friends, nothing more.

I’ll never forget when he asked me if he could take me to my prom, I said no at first, not wanting a media circus, or for every single girl (and some boys) at my school to bombard him. They were used to me being famous, but it would be a lot for him to be there. Eventually I gave in, who else would I have fun with anyways? No, we didn’t have sex on prom night. We danced all night, and crashed together in his hotel room, nothing more. It’s not that I was a prude, I just genuinely wasn’t ready. I wanted to, boy did I want to, but I was young and scared. Besides that, we were both always so busy.

We would’ve been great together, but I was selfish. I didn’t want to deal with long distance. At the end of the summer, before I went to college, I told him I couldn’t do it anymore. He was mad, beyond pissed really. He thought we were moving in a completely different direction. I was taking the first semester to solely focus on school, even putting my TV show on hold until winter break. I would still write music, to be released years later. That was sort of my thing. Write a song, lock in the vault, and release it when I no longer felt the way I did when I wrote it.

He started getting photographed with every girl out there. He knew I would see the tabloids. We stopped talking until it came out that I was seeing someone. I happened to be in New York when Josh Hutcherson hosted SNL. We met, and he asked me out. We somehow ended up in a relationship, it was all over the news. I’ll never forget when Harry called me. I could hear the strain in his voice when he asked, “Is it true”. I immediately burst into tears.

“Why are you crying?”

“Because I know what you’re going to say?”

“What’s that?”

“That I didn’t want to have a long distance relationship with you, but I can do it with him.”

“Hm…you still know me so well.”

“It hurts less.”

“What does?”

“Being apart from him. I don’t feel the need to have him around all the time. It hurt with you…”

“So, you’re with him because it’s easy? That’s a fucking load.”

“Don’t talk to me like that. You’ve been out and about too.”

“Yeah, I have. With some friends here and there, but nothing serious.”

The conversation went round in circles. It ended with us both crying. My roommate had walked in, so I had to get off the phone. We barely talked after that. I understood why he was hurt, I really did. I liked Josh, I may even have loved him, but I wasn’t in love with him. We broke it off after six months, agreeing that we were better as friends. I never let him touch me, not in that way. Make outs here and there, but nothing below the belt. I still just wasn’t ready to give myself fully to someone.

We broke up right when my first year of school ended. I jumped right back into work. Between my music, TV show, and working on a movie, I had a really busy summer. Harry and I started texting again here and there. Just sending each other memes we thought were funny.

My first week of sophomore year was the week before the VMA’s. I contemplated just skipping the first week of school so I wouldn’t have to fly back and forth, but I had too much anxiety to get behind. Even if it was syllabus week. By the first Thursday of the semester, I had met a guy at my friend’s apartment. I went to a party with him and flirted all night. He was cute, really cute. We ended up exchanging phone numbers before I left. The next night he invited me over, and before I knew it, I was having sex for the first time. Well, getting fingered for the first time, giving a blow job for the first time, hell, just seeing a penis in the flesh for the first time.

It was better than I ever could’ve imagined. It was an out of body experience. He was obviously very experienced, and took really good care of me. His dick was large and thick. How it fit into me, I still have no idea. I was sore the next day, I could barely walk. I went back to his place again that night. I didn’t let him fuck me again, but we did other stuff. I had to be on a plane Sunday morning to get to the VMAs in time.

I was walking like I had a stick up my ass, and my short dress was far too tight. Walking the red carpet was not a good time. I walked as quickly as I could until I could get inside and get to my seat. He was there, well they were there. His hair was a little longer, it suited him, even if I missed his curls. I didn’t get to say hi until one of the after parties. He walked up behind me, wrapped his arms around my waist, picked me up and twirled me around. It was our thing, he had always done that. I squealed playfully. I turned around and gave him a proper hug.

“It’s so good to see you.” I said to him.

“Same to you. Can I ask you something?”

“Of course?”

“Why have you been walking around waddling like a penguin all night?” Shit. I looked around, too many people might be able to see us talking. I drag him into a bathroom, close the door, and lock it. “Well, I wasn’t expecting this.”

“Shut up, I just wanted a private space to talk. I have big news, sort of.” He leans his back against the sink counter.

“Alright, what happened?”

“Well…I had sex for the first time”, I looked down, “two days ago.” I thought his jaw was going to detach from his head the way it opened.

“Come again?”

“I had sex for the first time, two-“

“Jesus, I heard you the first time.” He pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. Then he finally looked at me. “Well, how was it?”

“Do you really wanna know?”

“Look, I’m done being a little bitch baby, we’re friends aren’t we? Spill.”

“Okay, well…” I told him everything. It was like word vomit. When I was done he stood there stunned, not sure of what to say.

“So you’ve seen him twice already?”

“Yeah, I couldn’t believe he wanted to see me again so soon.”

“Have you looked at yourself? What guy wouldn’t want to immediately fuck you again?” I felt my face flush.

“Harry…” I roll my eyes at him.

“As your friend, I’m telling you, you’re fucking hot. You know you are. You have a dancer’s body.”

“Because I’m a dancer.”

“And yet, you’re curvy. You have it all.”

“Stop objectifying me.” I swat at him playfully.

“S’not what I’m doing. This doesn’t explain why you’re walking funny.”

“Are you kidding? I was so sore the next day. I sneezed and I thought my fucking vagina had fallen out.” He smirked at me.

“Was he that rough with you?” He said with a more concerned look.

“Not exactly, but it was my first time you know? It’s not like I had anything up there before, other than tampons, but even still this” I held up my pinky, “is a lot smaller than this”, I held my arm and fisted my hand.

“It wasn’t that big.”

“It was big enough, I know that. I think I’m just walking funny because clearly these muscles weren’t used to that kind of workout.”

“So, how many times did he make you come?”

“I’m not sure…”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean I’m not sure. It felt really good, I think it happened while he was using his fingers.”

“If you even have to think about it, then it didn’t happen.” He scoffs.

“Not true, I’ve never had one before, how would I know?”

“Believe me, angel, you would know. He should’ve had you screaming.”

“Oh he did, his neighbors heard everything.” My cheeks flushed again with embarrassment.

“Are you going to see him again?”

“God, I hope so. I’m afraid I’m going to get obsessed or something. Now that I know what it’s like, I want to have it all the time, but I don’t want to hook up with a bunch of different people.” I looked down.

“You don’t have to justify your actions to me. I’m no saint. Keep fucking him, fuck other people. Just do what you want.”

“Thanks..thanks for listening Harry. I’m sure it wasn’t the story you were hoping for.”

He smiled at me, and finally left the bathroom. It felt like we started talking all the time after that. We were good friends again. Sharing stories and secrets. He even let me cry on the phone to him when the guy I was hooking up with showed his true colors. He wasn’t a good person, and our relationship was toxic.

The day I turned twenty-one, a huge surprise party was thrown for me. Plenty of famous people were there. The one person I wanted there wasn’t, and he wasn’t answering my texts. Niall and Louis came. The band had just gone on hiatus, but you wouldn’t have known with how good of a time they were having. I just wanted my best friend there, but I had a distraction. Zac and I had gotten really close in the last couple of years. He was the one to roll out my cake, he sang me happy birthday. As I blew out the candles, he said he had a question to ask me. He asked me to be his girlfriend. I of course said yes, it was a dream come true. I was with the man I had a crush on as a young girl.

Harry texted the next day saying he was sorry, and had to cancel last minute, and hoped I would understand. He told me was happy for me, and that was that.

The first two years with Zac were pure bliss. He was so good about me getting through my last year of school. After I graduated I finally had the time to go on a world tour. It killed me that he couldn’t come to every show, but I understood. He was busy too.

In 2018, I signed on to do a movie. It was about these two college students. I played a simple girl who meets a guy who’s rough around the edges, and changes her life completely. It happened to be based off of a fan fiction about my good friend Harry Styles. I didn’t tell him about it, but I thought it was funny. Zac wasn’t thrilled. He never felt threatened by anyone before, but when I showed him a picture of my co-star, he wasn’t annoyed. He was handsome, and more around my age, a couple years younger actually. I couldn’t figure out why Zac was so upset, it wasn’t like I hadn’t done a sexy movie before. I did the movie, and many of my co-stars and I became good friends. Zac begged me to go on this big ski trip with him, but I refused. I had press junkets, and award shows coming up.

I got the call about his accident. I rushed to the hospital he was transported to. If I’m being honest, his accident saved our relationship…for about two months. Then the movie came out and he had started accusing me of cheating on him. He got more possessive. That summer when I told him we’d be filming the second movie, he was beyond furious I signed on before talking to him.

That fall, Harry was set to host SNL. As someone who had done it a couple times before, I wanted to be there for him. Surprise him, really. Usually I would spend all my free time with Zac, but I was so sick of his shit. I needed to get away. It was wonderful seeing Harry again.

“What are you doin’ here?” He said, picking me up, and spinning me around.

“Thought I’d surprise you.”

“How kind.” He smiled at me.

“I’m also very curious to see what single you’ll be revealing tonight.” I wiggled my eyebrows at him.

“Ah, there it is.” Were we flirting? Maybe a little. But, that’s how it was with us.

He absolutely crushed it. And if I’m being honest, I teared up at his slowed down version of Lights Up. Watermelon Sugar blew me away. He’s beyond talented, and I was so very proud of my friend.

At the after party, I couldn’t help but vent about the issues I was having with Zac.

“I mean, you’d think after three and half years he would trust me. I’ve never given him a reason not to trust me. I mean, I went off birth control last year. If I was fucking around, why would I stop taking the pill?”

“Okay, I’m going t’say something, and I want you to not get mad.”

“Alright.”

“In my experience, if someone is constantly accusing someone else of cheating, it’s usually because they themselves have had a slip up.”

“Are you saying that you think Zac cheated on me at some point?”

“It’s possible. You two were separated for a bit weren’t you?”

“Well, we’re always kind of separated.”

“I could be completely wrong, but you can’t rule it out.”

“Why would he lie to me though?”

“Maybe he realized he made a huge mistake. Look, I haven’t told a lot of people this but, um, I slipped up on my ex. It was stupid, and I felt horrible. I told her, and she forgave me, but she ended it.”

“Oh, Harry, I’m so sorry.”

“It was over a year ago, we’re on pretty decent terms, but she’s already with someone else, and she’s happy.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying…don’t just stay with someone because it’s comfortable. You don’t seem super happy.”

“What should I do? Just walk up to him and ask him if he cheated on me?”

“Just…do what you think is right, love.”

When I got back to L.A., I walked right into the living room, leaving my bag at the door. Zac was sitting on the couch watching TV. I greeted him, he was happy to see me.

“I saw the episode, he was really good.”

“Yeah, he was. Hey, um, could you turn the TV off, I need to talk to you.”

“Alright.” He does as I ask. “What’s up?”

“Have you ever cheated on me?” He blinks at me, and sighs. “I need a yes or a no.”

“Yes.” I stand up immediately.

“When!?”

“A year and a half ago. We had grown so distant, and instead of facing my fears and talking to you about it, I-“

“Fucked someone else?”

“I wouldn’t say it like that, but yes.”

“I need to go.” He walks after me.

“You’re just going to walk away?”

“You have bene lying to me for over a year! I can’t deal with this right now. It’s late, and I can’t be around you. You did the one thing that you knew would make me leave you.”

“You know what I think? I think you were hoping I would say yes so you could leave me.”

“Fuck you, that’s not true. I need to get away from you before we both say things we’ll regret. I’ll come back tomorrow to figure out packing up my stuff.”

“So you’re just going to move out?!”

“This isn’t my house, it’s yours. It wouldn’t be healthy for me to stick around. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“Where are you going to go?”

“To a hotel, probably.”

I didn’t go to a hotel. I drove for two hours to the one place I knew I could go, no questions asked. To Harry’s. Praying he was home as I drove up his long driveway. My license plate had a clearance past the gate. I grabbed my suitcase and I got out of the car, and rang his door bell. He opened the door, confused at first, then he smiled.

“Uh, hi.”

“Sorry it’s so late. Could I stay in one of your guest rooms tonight? I just broke up with Zac, and I thought I wanted to be alone, but I don’t.”

“Oh my god, yeah of course, come in.”

He took my suitcase for me. He grabbed me some sweats to wear, and made me a cup of tea. He didn’t ask any questions because he already knew the answers. We stayed up late watching my movie.

“So, when do I start singing?”

“You don’t sing, you’re not famous. And it’s not really you. It’s just your likeness, see it’s not even your name.”

We laughed about it. It was a really silly concept, but Harry is a sucker for intense, romantic films. I fell asleep on the couch, and woke up slightly to the feeling of Harry carrying me up the stairs.

“Bring me to your room. I don’t want to sleep alone.” I said, almost in a whisper.

He doesn’t say anything, he just did as I said. He lays me down onto his California king sized bed. It wasn’t the first time we had shared a bed. Usually it was a hotel room when these things would happen. I didn’t feel nervous, in fact I was quite comfortable. I hadn’t cried, or felt like crying until my head hit the pillow. I cried into my hands. He crawled in next to me, and pulled my hands away from my face, and pushed me into him, letting my cry onto his now bare chest. He rubbed my back as I was basically convulsing. His gentle hushes and “there there’s” helped me calm down. He continued to soothe me as my breathing went back to normal. I flipped onto my back and stared at the ceiling. He stayed on his side facing me.

“He ruined everything. I can’t believe I actually wanted to have children with him! I’ll be okay, I know I will. I have a penthouse in L.A. I can live in. I’m just so mad. I’ve known him ten years, Harry, ten fucking years. Dating for three and a half years. That’s my longest relationship ever! I don’t want him out of my life, that’s the worst part. How could I still want him around?”

“Because you love him.”

“I do, how could I?”

“Because you have a history, angel. Just take some time to be apart. It’s okay to want to work up  t’being friends.”

“I could never be with him again. Knowing that he so easily could stick his dick somewhere else and then stick it in me makes me sick.” I start to feel my tears burn my cheeks again.

“Please don’t cry again, love, I can’t bare it. Just come here, yeah?” He pulls me back to his chest, and he soothes me again. I ended up falling asleep like that.

A couple of weeks had gone by. All of my things were moved out of Zac’s, and into my pent house in the city. Harry and I talked almost every day. We both performed at the Brits, and he talked me into coming on the Late Late Show with him. He would be hosting in James’ place the following week, and he wanted me to play spill your guts or fill your guts. I agreed, of course.

The food was absolutely disgusting. Luckily, I’m an open book, or I was. I went dead on social media. Zac and I had released a statement about our break up. I straight up stopped posting. People can be so cruel during these times. I didn’t want to drag his name through the mud, but everyone accused me of cheating on him with my co-star. I just didn’t acknowledge anything, which pissed the media off, but what the fuck did I care?

“Okay, next question. How about, the salmon smoothie?”

“Ugh, alright. Ask away.”

“What songs, if any, off your last album are about me?” He had a sly look on his face, and crowd hollered. I pondered for a moment. If I was being honest, there were three songs about him, but I wasn’t going to reveal that on television.

“Bottoms up!” I say, lifting the glass. I take small sip, and nearly gag at the smell alone. I immediately spit out the liquid. It legitimately was a salmon smoothie. I looked up and my friend was just laughing at me.

“My turn. Let’s see, how about the scorpion?” He rolls his eyes at me. “Out of Louis, Liam, Niall, and Zayn-“ before I can even finish the question he takes the scorpion fully into his mouth. The crowd roars.

Next we go sit on the couch so he can interview me.

“You know what’s great?” He asks.

“What?”

“I’ve seen you more in the last two months than I have in the last three years.”

“I know, I’m sorry. Sometimes when you’re in a relationship it’s hard justifying spending your free time with another guy.” The crowd is silent as it’s my first time publicly addressing my break up. “But, obviously, I don’t have to worry about that anymore!” I laugh nervously. “Okay, I know there is a giant elephant in the room. All I’m going to say is I’m single, and that’s how it is. Zac and I are still friends, but this is what’s best for us right now.”

“I think it’s really brave of you to be here tonight. It was even more brave of you to drink that disgusting smoothie.”

The interview stayed lighter from there. When we finished recording everything, he followed me to my dressing room.

“I’m going to my club tonight.” I say to him. “Do you want to meet up there?”

“Yeah, that sounds great.”

“Cool, I didn’t know if you’d be busy.”

“I’m never too busy for you, love.”

We smiled at each other, and I felt something I hadn’t felt from him in a long time. We went our separate ways after agreeing on what time to meet up.

I decided to wear my hair down and wavy, a black lace spaghetti strap body suit, high wasted jeans, and my leather jacket. When I got to the club, he was there already, in the VIP section, where we couldn’t be bothered. We drank, danced, and laughed for hours. It was like we were teenagers again.

He invited me to come back to his place in Malibu, and I happily agreed. I like his house. It was private, and had a charm to it. It was a long car ride out there, but it was worth it.

I kicked my heels off the second I got inside. He poured us some drinks from his drink cart. He asked if he could play me his album. I told him I’d be honored. We sat on his hardwood floor and listened to every track. Stopping to make refills of our drinks. I teared up at Cherry, but Falling, oh god, Falling made me sob. He cried too, and then we both started laughing. I eventually took my jacket off, leather makes me too sweaty. I was essentially wearing lingerie with jeans. The rest of the album just made me smile.

“You are so talented, Harry. I mean it. It blew me away.”

“I’m so glad you liked it.”

“I loved it.” I smiled at him. My cheeks felt hot from the amount of alcohol I consumed.

“Let’s listen to something more upbeat, yeah?”

He got up slowly, and put a different record on. It was the O’Jays, I Love Music.

“Oh! I love this song!” I get up.

“You know this song?”

“Of course I do. I’m not an idiot.”

“No, you’re not.”

I sway over to him, and clothes my eyes as I let the music take over. He laughs at me a little.

“You can’t laugh, because you actually suck at dancing.” I stick my tongue out at him.

“I’m not that bad.”

“I guess not. I do like to see you move when you’re really into a song.”

“Oh, really?”

“Mhm. Come here, come dance with me.”

I take his hands and we just dance like silly idiots around the room. We fumble into each other a couple times, and we can’t help but laugh. He accidentally bumps me too hard and knocks me to the floor. I laugh so hard tears fall. He cuts the music and rushes to me.

“I’m so sorry! I’m so fucking clumsy.”

“It’s okay, I’m fine. It was funny.”

“I feel like a giant oaf sometimes.”

“You just feel that way because you’re over a foot taller than me.”

“It’s true you are pretty tiny compared to me.” He helps me up from the floor. I notice his eyes on my chest. I just realized how exposed I really am. “Well, only some parts of you are tiny.” He says with red cheeks.

“Do want to know something?”

“Sure.” He says, looking me in the eyes.

“I have written songs about you. I’m not going to tell you which ones though.”

“What inspired them?”

“I had feelings for you, strong feelings. But I was selfish.”

“Why didn’t you just tell me how you felt?”

“Because I felt like I couldn’t give you what you needed. You know what always surprised me?”

“What?”

“After I told you I wasn’t a virgin anymore those years ago, you never made a move.”

“I also didn’t want to be selfish.” I step closer to him, raising an eyebrow.

“Explain.”

“What was I going to do? Fuck you and then go on tour? That was like your worst fear, remember? Me loving you and leaving you. Besides, I would’ve either had to convince you to come with me, or I would have had to enroll at your school.” I let you a laugh.

“Why’s that?”

“Because if you and I were gonna go there, I wouldn’t be able to be away from you.”

“Harry…” I reached up, and put a hand on his cheek. He nuzzled into it.

I couldn’t tell if it was the alcohol, or the fact that he and I were both very single for the first time in years, but I was feeling that familiar feeling from him again. I start to giggle, and remove my hand.

“What’s so funny?” He raises an eyebrow at me.

“Nothing, it’s just weird that you have stubble now. We’ve grown so much since then, but every time I’m with you I’m back to being that seventeen year old. It’s nice, really. I also think it’s funny because I hate when situations like this happen in movies.”

“Situations like what?”

“When two stupid people just have horrible communication, and refuse to tell the other how they feel, until years later, and they both realize they felt the exact same way, so they should have just gone for it.”

“As much as it hurt back then, I’m glad we didn’t. We could’ve wound up hating each other.”

“We were too young, I agree.” I walk away from him, and run a hand through my hair. He doesn’t let me get too far away. He gets right up close to me. He taps on my forehead.

“What’s goin’ on up there?” I look up at him intently. The green in both of our eyes visibly matched.

I put both of my hands on his collar and tug him down to me so we’re eye level. I’m nervous with what I’m about to do. It’s not like we haven’t kissed before, it’s that this kiss is going to lead to more than I have ever done with him. I swallow hard. He grows impatient, cupping my cheeks with his hands, bring my lips to his in a crashing motion.

We don’t waste any time. My arms are wrapped around his neck in seconds, and his hands trail down to my butt and then down to my thighs, hoisting me up. I wrap my legs around him, never breaking our kiss, he quickly walks us over to the stairs to go up to his bedroom.

My lips part for him, and his tongue immediately dips inside, but only for a moment. He walks us into his room, and pushes my body up against the wall, still holding me up. He kisses on my jaw, then down just below my earlobe. I let out a small moan, and I can feel his lips move into a smile.

“You still like being kissed here, huh?”

“Mhmm.” Is all I can muster out as he nibbles on my neck. It was true, I loved getting a good hickey. When I was in college I would let guys absolutely destroy my neck, and I would have to always wear a scarf or turtleneck if I had an interview. No amount of makeup ever covers those things up properly.

He bring me over to his bed, and plops me down on the edge. He leans down to kiss me again as I unbutton his shirt. He lets it slide down his tattooed arms. I kiss down his long torso as he stands between my legs, nibbling where I feel appropriate. I notice the material near his bulge grow tighter, an image I was quite familiar with, but never took advantage of. Before I’m able to reach to palm him, I feel his hands on my shoulders, and he pushes me back on the bed. My legs still dangling over the side, my feet unable to reach the ground.

He steps closer, and runs a hand down from neck to my chest to my stomach. I arch my back up at the intimate touch. He loved the feeling of lace. A secret he disclosed to me years ago when he felt the material of a dress I was wearing. His eyes go wide and I see him smile.

“What?”

“You know what I just now realized?” I raise an eyebrow at him. “You can visibly see your nipples through this top.”

“Yeah, that’s why I was wearing my jacket all night.”

“Do you always wear lingerie as outerwear?”

“No, and it’s not technically lingerie, it’s a lacy bodysuit. I would normally wear a bra or something, but I just didn’t feel like it.”

“Hm.”

He reaches down to unbutton my jeans. He looks at me for a moment, silently asking for permission. I nod, giving him the go ahead. I was thankful I shaved every inch of my body earlier, not that he would ever care. For my own peace of mind really. I feel him slowly draw my zipper down. I left my hips so he can tug them off. His eyes go wide.

“Flip over.” He said with his eyebrows furrowed. I do as he says, choosing to sit up on my knees.

I feel his fingertips graze over the part of my bum that’s exposed. The bottom of the bodysuit essentially looked like lacy, cheeky underwear. A single finger slides into the material, and I feel goosebumps all over my body.

“So, you’ve literally been naked under this thing all night? Not even wearing a thong?” I look over my shoulder and give him a funny look.

“Obviously not.”

“How do you go to the bathroom? Do you just get naked?”

“No, there are two small snaps on the crotch so I don’t have to do that.”

“I see. Smart.”

I turn back around to face him. He pushes me gently back down on my back, and I prop myself up on my elbows.  

“I can’t believe we’re finally doing this.” He said, looking down at me with the hungriest eyes I had ever seen.

I smile up at him, before I can speak that I feel the same way, I feel his knee push my legs open, and his hand dart to my center. He smirked, but tried to hide it as his cheeks grew red. I knew I was wet for him already. The initial kiss downstairs was enough to stir something within me. I looked down at his hand to see his palm pressed up against me. He was teasing, it was cute. I let out a moan, and lifted my hips up for him. He used his other hand to press down on my stomach to keep me in place. He wanted to be in control, and I wanted to let him. I’m always the one in control of everything, it was nice to let someone else handle me.

I inched back further on the bed, and crawled over to the headboard to I could sit up against it. He followed my actions. I put my finger out with a “come here” motion. Before getting on the bed with me, he undid his pants and let them drop to the floor, careful to leave his tight, black boxers on.

His hand went to the back of my neck, and I part my legs for him. He pulled me in for a kiss, this time my tongue slipping inside his mouth. We grabbed at each other feverishly, him letting out a moan as I bit down on his bottom lip.

“You still like that, I see.” I say into his ear, before nibbling on his ear lobe.

He cupped my breasts in his large hands and kneaded them. I lifted my hips to grind against him, and he pressed up hard against me. He pulled the thin straps of the body suit down off my shoulders, and kissed and sucked on my collar bone. My head rolled back as he began to suck so hard on my skin that it would be sure to leave a mark. I dug my nails into his lower back, letting him know he could keep doing what he’s doing. He kept tugging the material down, and I let out a small laugh.

“You won’t get it off this way, there’s a zipper on the back.”

He rolled his eyes and huffed. I sat up on my knees, and turned around. I moved my hair out of the way so he could unzip me. He pulled my back to his chest, and lowered the material to my waist, fulling exposing my breasts. His kissed the back of my shoulder as he cupped me again. I leaned back further into him as he gave my nipples light pinches, hoping he would turn me around to suck on them.

Harry pushed me down for what felt like the tenth time tonight, and hovered over me. He kissed me on the mouth, then down to my collar bone, to my chest, leaving a trail of wet, sloppy kisses. He kissed down my left breast, and took the other in his hand. He swirled his tongue around my nipple, and then began to suck on it. Soft at first, and then with more lust. I pushed one of my hands through his hair, and had the other one on his shoulder. I couldn’t help the moans that left my mouth as he worked my breasts, arching my back and pushing my head further into the pillow. He lifted his head to take a breath, and I whimper at the loss of contact.

He begins to kiss just below my breast, and down my stomach, pulls the body suit in even lower. He stops for a moment, a surprised look on his face when he gets to my naval.

“When did you get this?” He asks, gesturing to the diamond stud pierced into my belly button.

“Um, I don’t know like a year ago. I always wanted one, and I finally got it. It’s cute right?”

“Yeah, uh, very cute.” He says furrowing his brow, lightly tapping the diamond.

“To tell you the truth, I really wanted my nipples done, but I chickened out. This didn’t hurt as much as I thought, so maybe I’ll still get them done.”

“You definitely should, imagine how good it would with me sucking on you then.” My face flushes. We were starting to dive into a specific territory, and I didn’t know how much I could handle hearing him talk this way to me seriously, rather than playfully.

He smirks when I don’t respond, and pulls the material down to my hips, revealing my hip bones. He kisses down my naval and nibbles on one of my hip bones for a moment or two. I suck in a breath as I feel him push my legs open further. He kisses down my inner thigh, and kisses me on my center, where the thin, lace, now soaked, material was.

“Harry, please, just take it all the way off.” I groan.

“Not yet.” He waves a finger at me.

He pushes the material to the side and swipes his tongue over me. My hips buck up at the sudden contact. He smiles and uses a hand to press down on my lower stomach to keep me in place. He swipes his tongue over me again, in a light, teasing manner. I can feel my breathing become more erratic as my chest heaves up and down. Before I’m able to dive my hands in his hair he leans up, and reaches out a finger to my lips. I look at him, puzzled, unsure of what he wants from me. Am I being too loud?

“Open, please.” Oh. I see. I open my mouth for him, and suck on his finger. “Good, thank you.”

He goes back down between my legs, and inserts a finger. I try to squeeze my legs together, but he uses his free arm to wrap around one of the thighs to keep me in place. I couldn’t believe the sight before me. Never did I ever think this would happen between us. Harry was pumping a finger in and out of me, with expertise might I add. He tries to get a second finger in, but he’s unable.

“You’re like, really tight.” I throw an arm over my face. “S’not a bad thing, I just don’t want to hurt you.”

“I just haven’t done this in a while.”

“Done what?”

“Have sex.”

“When was the last time?”

“I don’t know…six months ago? Maybe?”

“Jesus, you poor thing.”

“And when I do it for myself, I don’t necessarily need to stick anything in.” His cheeks flush even more than they already are. Assuming he has a mental image of me pleasuring myself.

“Right.”

He removes his finger from me, and tugs my bodysuit all the way off. Finally. He parts my legs further. He looks up at me, asking for approval again. I put my hands in his hair and push his face down. I feel the smile on his mouth as his tongue makes circles around my clit. Every little flick he makes sends electricity running through me. He slides his tongue down further where I’m dripping for him. We share in a moan as his tongue enters me. I grind myself against him in full pleasure. I almost wish he would let me sit on his face so I could just ride his tongue, but it was too soon for that. I wanted him to feel like he had complete control of my body.

I felt his thumb start to rub my clit rapidly as he continued to dart his tongue in and out of me. A loud moan left me, as I know I’m going to come undone any second. I squeeze harder on his hair, causing him to moan into me, his hot breath making my eyes go into the back of my head. He quickly moves his mouth to suck and nibble on my clit while he reinserts his finger, make a “come here” motion from inside.

“H, Harry, I’m gonna-“ The noise that left me was unrecognizable as my voice. For a moment, everything went white as I slammed the back of my head into the pillow. My chest heaving up and down. As my vision come back, I see him sit up, and suck on the finger that was just inside of me. My mouth falls open as a prop myself up on my elbows.

“So sweet, just like how I imagined you’d taste.” He leaned down and kissed my open mouth, and got off the bed. I watched his every move.

“I want to taste you now.”

“I’d love nothing more than that, but I really don’t want to blow my load in your mouth. I really just want to fuck you.” He says, essentially staring into your soul. He pulls his boxers down.

My eyes went wide at the sight of him. I’ve felt the imprint of his dick before, I knew how long it was, but I didn’t realize how much girth he would have. That’s what I like the best. I couldn’t wait to feel him stretch me apart. I had had the same dick for over three years, I was ready for this. As he sits back down on the bed next to me, I realize something.

“Wait, do you have any condoms?”

“Are you still allergic to latex?”

“Um, yeah.” How the fuck did he remember that?

“Then I don’t have any we can use, love.” He frowns at me.

“No problem, I should have some in my purse. I’ll go down stairs and grab it.”

“No, no, I want you right there just like that. I’ll get it.”

He didn’t even put his boxers back on before running out of the room. I suppose it’s his house, so who cares if he runs around naked. He’s back upstairs in seconds with my purse. He tosses it to me. I rummage through to find the pocket that I keep my condoms in. Luckily, I have quite a few. Something tells me we won’t be one and done tonight. His face lights up when I pull a handful out.

“A bit eager aren’t we?” I laugh.

“Just keep some in your drawer.”

“These aren’t like sheep skin right?”

“Nope, they still prevent against everything, they just don’t have latex in them.”

“I love that you just keep a hoard of them on you at all times.”

“I’m too old to feel uncomfortable for a week.”

“You’re twenty-four, you’re not old.”

“Stop talking, and put the damn condom on, would you?”

“You are eager.”

I swat at him, but he listens to me. He takes one and opens it with his teeth. I cringe a little because you’re not really supposed to do that, but I couldn’t complain either because it was extremely hot. I yank it back from him. If he wasn’t going to let me suck on him, I at least wanted to put the condom on. I rolled it over his length, and he let out a sigh of relief. I can’t imagine how much pressure has built up for him.

I scootch down on the mattress, and he hovers over me again. I open my legs and guide him into me slowly. This time we both let out a sigh of relief. He doesn’t move at first, savoring the moment he wished had happened years ago.

“Jesus, you’re so fucking tight.” His hoarse voice says into my ear. His hands move my legs to wrap around his waist.

Harry moves his hips in a circle and I almost lose it again right there. My nails dig into his broad shoulders. He starts to move in and out slowly. My eyes start to water, and he looks down at me, worried.

“I’m fine. You’re just so big, but it feels good, I promise.” I whisper.

That was all the reassurance he needed. He picked up the pace and moved in and out of me, slamming into me at points. He rubbed his thumb on my clit rapidly and I tightened around him. I clawed at the blankets at the bed, and squirmed under him. Screaming his name over and over, I come undone for the second time. This time, though, he doesn’t give me any time to recover, as he keeps rubbing me while he moves in a circle again.

“Jesus, fuck!” I moan out as my third orgasm comes.

Harry sucks on the salty skin of my neck, as I comb my fingers through his hair.

“I want you on top now.” My chest is heaving, but I nod.

He flips us over, careful to not pull out of me, afraid of leaving my warmth even for a second. I lift my ass up, sliding slowly up his cock, and bob back down on him. He lets out my name in a moan and it’s heaven to my ears. He lets me ride him. I make circles with my hips, and bounce up and down. I feel my head tip back and my back arch. Number four. I collapse onto his chest, letting him know he can take the lead once again. I feel his hips rise and fall, slamming into me each time. I keep my head berried in his neck.

“So good, don’t stop.” I say into his ear.

“Let me fuck you from behind, I’m desperate to see your ass.”

He lifts me off of him, and I immediately go onto my hands and knees. He pulls me by my hips to line us up just right. I feel his hands rub my cheeks, and he gives me a swat. Gentle enough to not be classified as a spank, but hard enough to leave my skin pink.

Harry slowly enters me again, this time with the most ease. My walls plenty slick and stretched out for him now. He makes hard and quick thrusts into me, and his fingers press hard into my hips. The sound of my ass slapping against him makes me fall to my elbows, giving him a better angle for access.

“That’s it, angel, take all of me.” He grunts through his teeth.

Suddenly, I feel his fist wrap through my hair, and he tugs me up. He grabs at my chest and presses me close to his back. I lift my arm up to wrap around into his hair. His mouth pressed to my temple. We’re both panting in unison. One more moan of his name and I feel myself come undone for the fifth time tonight.

“You’re doing so well for me.” He says into my ear before he lets me plop my face back down into the bed. His movements start to get sloppy. His end is near. He repeats my name over and over.

“Oh, fuck.” He lets out.

Harry collapses on top of me. I scoot my butt up into him, as he presses into me further. Once he catches his breath, he swats my ass again, and slowly pulls out of me.

“Don’t move, love.” He gets up to dispose of the condom. He jogs into his en suite bathroom, and comes back with a small hand towel. I rest my head on top of my folded arms as he wipes the wetness that lingers between my legs.

“I could’ve done that. I need to get up to pee anyway.”

“I know, I just wanted another excuse to look at you this way.”

I get up off the bed and use the bathroom. I feel a slight burn. There’s a light pink when I check the toilet paper. I sigh, and flush the toilet. I know he didn’t mean to hurt me. It’s my own damn fault for letting things get so bad in my previous relationship that we stopped having sex. I look at my disheveled appearance in the mirror. I take the elastic on my wrist and throw my hair up. I find a clean wash cloth and some facial soap, and wash my face. I have no energy to go through my full skin regimen so this will have to do. My thighs feel tight with every step, I’m definitely going to feel this tomorrow.

I walk out of the bathroom, and see Harry, now with a clean pair of boxers on, laying with his eyes closed and a big smile on his face. I cough so he knows I’m present. I smile at him, as he watches me pad over to his dresser. I grab a simple white t-shirt out of his drawer and throw it over my head. It covers just around the middle of my thighs. I climb on top of the large bed, and snuggle up next to him. He puts an arm around me.

“I hope you know that shirt won’t be staying on for long. I fully intend to fuck you again, just need a few minutes.”

“Mhm.”

“You alright? Feeling okay?”

“I feel great actually. Was it what you hoped it would be?”

“Better than I ever could’ve imagined. I loved getting lost in you.”

“Same here.”

Even though I was a little sore, we had sex two more times that night. The last time I let him finish in my mouth, finally letting me taste him. When we got up in the morning, he suggested a shower. I didn’t think anything of it until my back was pressed up against the wall, and he had me lifted, pressing inside of me. We couldn’t get enough of each other.

We each had things to do today. I needed to get back to L.A. so I could get to my office, and go over some content for my YouTube channel. And he had to get ready to go back to London soon for the holidays.

“Will you be going to Boston soon for the holidays?”

“Yup, I leave on the 22nd, doing Hanukkah with my family.”

“How long will you stay?”

“Um, at least until after the new year. I love spending new year’s eve in Boston.”

“Maybe, I could come join you for that.” I stop in the middle of tying my sneaker. Harry had lent me some spare clothes he had. I told myself they were his sister’s.

“Wouldn’t new years in London be more exciting?”

“Maybe, but I’ve done it so many times. If you don’t want me to crash your party-“ I walk over to him.

“I’d love to have you join. I’m hosting a big party at my club.” He sighs big. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I just..look, I don’t want to ruin the night we had.”

“Just tell me.”

“You just got out of a relationship, and I know you’re probably not itching to jump into a new one. But for the first time in a while, we’re sort of lined up. My album is going to release tomorrow, and I was wondering if you’d stay here the next couple of days instead of L.A.. I’m doing a pop up show at the forum tomorrow night, and I want you there with me.”

“Well, of course I’ll go to your show. And you’re right, I’m not itching to be labeled as anyone’s girlfriend right now.” He looks down, almost bracing himself. “But, I’m also done playing games with you. I’m all yours if you want me, Harry.”

“Really?” He asks, perking up.

“Yes, really. I just don’t want to use labels yet. Maybe we could call it hanging out or something?”

“Sure, that works for me. I mean, a lot of people when they first get together don’t establish labels. They see how it goes first.”

“Exactly. I knew you’d get it.”

“So, you’d really be all mine? You don’t feel the need to go hop on some more dicks.” He wraps his arms around me.

“After all that last night and this morning, I’d be a fool to want anyone else.” He brushes his smile against my lips before kissing me.

“Right, well the gang is gonna be here soon for a little party. We’re going to make margaritas and what not. You game?”

“Yes, definitely, but I do need to go to my office for a little while. I’ll come back in the latter part of the afternoon to celebrate with you all.”

“Alrighty.”

When I got back to Harry’s house later, I surprised him by wearing bell-bottom jeans, and a yellow crop top that said TPWK on it. He scooped me up, and spun me around, kissing me in front of all of his friends. I blushed and said hello to everyone. We drank all afternoon and into the evening. Dancing and listening to his amazing new album. I assumed his friends would be staying the night. Some set up in the living room, others in the guest rooms. I took my place in his room. I start to unbutton my pants to get ready for bed, but I feel his hands around me.

“No, no, I’ll do that.” He unbuttons my pants, and pushes them down my legs. His eyes go wide at the lacy pink underwear I have on. He holds his hands up like a camera and makes a clicking noise. “Now this is a sight I surely want to get used to.” I swat at his chest with my arm and giggle.

I walk away from him, shaking my butt. He wasn’t having any of that, so he picked me up and tossed me on the bed. I threw a pillow in his face and we started laughing. It was late and we were both tired, and with all the house guests we decided to just to cuddle. We made out for a little while of course, and I quickly jerked him off to relieve the pressure in his boxers. We fell asleep in each other’s arms, both happy and at peace for the first time in years.

[aion-rsa]

The Silence of the Lambs and Clarice’s Lifelong Battle Against the Male Gaze

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Special agent Clarice Starling is breathing heavily as she forces herself to turn the next tight corner. Between deep breaths, she knows somewhere in the back of her mind that she’s being watched. And she can assume those invisible, cold male eyes are making a judgement of her five-foot and three-inch frame: She’s in over her head. Yet she pushes past any condescending skepticism, and she perseveres  through the proverbial dark.

At a glance, this could apply to the climax of The Silence of the Lambs, Jonathan Demme’s masterful psychological thriller which finishes with a cat and mouse game of Starling (a peerless Jodie Foster) crawling through the dungeon created by Ted Levine’s Buffalo Bill. In that blackness, serial killer Bill most certainly watches her, playfully (mis)judging her aptitude for handling his house of horrors. Yet all of these elements are also evident in Silence of the Lambs’ very first scene.

On a sleepy late wintry morning in Virginia, we’re introduced to Starling already overcoming another manmade trap meant to exclude her. At the FBI’s Quantico obstacle course, we witness the quiet and earnest determination which defines Clarice as she ascends up a rope line and when she flips over a cargo net. She’s acutely aware that the deck is probably being stacked against her behind her back, but she remains unfatigued and undaunted. She doesn’t even wince when the FBI instructor who emerges from the shadows to summon her down to the office mispronounces her name: He calls her “Sterling.”

It’s only a few minutes at the top of Silence of the Lambs, but it’s shot with Demme’s signature attentiveness and subtlety. While the director never draws direct attention to his filmmaking and blocking techniques, his visual language is pristine and unmistakable.

From the jump, Clarice is in a maze, a labyrinth of manmade systems and challenges that appear to reject her very presence. And she never once steps away from their course. They’re with her at the finale in Buffalo Bill’s portal to hell, but they also manifest in the bureaucratic cages and then literal holding pens Dr. Frederick Chilton (Anthony Heard) ushers Clarice through as a power move—a brusque display of authority and arrogance after Clarice rebuffed Chilton’s sleazy pick-up line a moment earlier in the film. “See what an important man you missed the chance of getting to know?” he projects through a curdled sneer.

Chilton is, of course, taking Clarice to meet the man he calls “the Monster:” Dr. Hannibal Lecter (a mighty Anthony Hopkins who demonstrates the eviscerating power of stillness). And one doubts Dr. Lecter would disagree with that title. It’s easy to imagine the disgraced cannibal psychiatrist musing that if Clarice’s life is a series of mazes and evaded dead ends, then her lifetime amounts to a single, titanic struggle against a minotaur—the ultimate monster of Greek mythology who devoured young men and women fed into his maze.

Yet in Silence of the Lambs, the all-consuming Dr. Lecter is hardly the only monster in Clarice’s life, even if he is the creature at the center of Chilton’s labyrinth. Rather the real Monster (with a capital “M”) pursuing Clarice is just about every man she meets. Among them, Dr. Lecter is but an urbane drop in the ocean.

This is again foreshadowed during the film’s opening moments when, after coming down from the obstacle course, Clarice loads onto an elevator with a half-dozen other FBI trainees, each towering over her by at least a foot. Once more, Demme’s simple but eloquent framing of Clarice’s universe is devastating. In a snapshot, we can understand the white bread, buttoned up skepticism of the patriarchal institutions she’s attempting to join and improve. After all, in the next scene, her new boss Jack Crawford (Scott Glenn) admits she caught his attention when she grilled him in a classroom over the FBI’s sordid history in the civil rights era.

Crawford welcomes Clarice’s earnestness and repudiation of the good ol’ boys’ club in law enforcement. Still, he only picks her for this assignment because he sees her as a proverbial honey pot meant to entice Dr. Lecter—a pretty face meant to appeal to the lonely and incarcerated cannibal. Hannibal takes it a step farther too when he asks if Clarice has considered that the kindly Jack Crawford is attracted to her? Dr. Lecter relishes planting the idea of Clarice’s boss fantasizing about her in the young agent’s mind. How else would Crawford think to pick her to interview the monster?

But these taunts, which are intended to embarrass, are rooted in Lecter’s two most powerful weapons: acute observational skills and the ability to speak uncomfortable truths. He uses them again during their final encounter before his escape, when Hannibal asks Clarice, “Don’t you feel eyes moving over your body?” Don’t you feel the male gaze objectifying and defiling?

One of the most remarkable things about Silence of the Lambs 30 years later is its intelligent and (much like Clarice) frank way of addressing the overt sexism and misogyny in society. This is not done in the sometimes ham-handed way of modern media, with didactic speeches and easily defeated abusers who get their deserved comeuppance. Instead this problem is shown to be the uncomfortable truth of our reality, and a truth that’s sadly changed little in three decades.

Even before Dr. Lecter verbalizes the oppressiveness of the male gaze, Clarice and the audience know it’s there in the elevator, and perhaps also with Crawford’s more smiling friendliness. It’s sometimes not even unwelcome, as when Clarice flirts with the gawky bug specialist at the Smithsonian (he even gets to attend her Quantico graduation later); but it’s constant, and mostly insulting if not outright predatory. Whether in the gaze of all those criminally insane patients whom Hannibal shares a cell block with or in a dozen hard stares from a West Virginian sheriff’s department, it is always menacing Clarice.

It’s fair to wonder whether it was harder for special agent Starling to draw a gun on Buffalo Bill or for Clarice to tell all those country bumpkin deputies to take a hike earlier in the movie so she and Crawford can examine the body of one of Bill’s victims. When she entered the funeral home with her boss, once again all these other law enforcement types had a foot above her in height, and their eyes closed that distance to cover her body. No one says an outwardly sexist or sleazy remark; they don’t have to. In fact, the only cruel word comes from her own boss when Crawford preemptively bends to the local prejudices by marking Starling as soft and lesser by virtue of her gender while chatting up the sheriff.

Later Crawford offers a halfhearted apology, saying he only did that to ingratiate himself with the regressive rube he needed information from. But Clarice is never one to let the right thing go unsaid.

“Cops look at you to learn how to act,” Clarice respectfully but assertively pushes back. “It matters.” Crawford smiles and shrugs, “Point taken,” before dozing off. But obviously the point is not taken, and the patronizing tone of even a decent man like Crawford belies his kindness. It demonstrates why the insidiousness of patriarchal double standards persists. Hence how at the end of the movie Crawford gets to go on the ill-fated raid of where the FBI thinks Buffalo Bill is living—leaving Clarice behind to actually crack the case on her own.

Even from his cage, Dr. Lecter can see this perpetual struggle within the moment Clarice steps before his plexiglass. She is, after all, a woman trying to advance in the FBI. Not that Hannibal is immune from this nastiness or is some kind of “ally.” In the same scene that Lecter asks about men’s eyes, his own stare attempts to consume Clarice whole. Long before Demme’s camera puts Foster in an extreme close-up, Hopkins’ baby blues are dominating the whole screen as Hannibal demands to know about the screaming of the lambs. Unblinking, they’re like the eyes of a deity. Or a devil.

And yet, Clarice can at least appreciate Hannibal’s bluntness and honesty about it, as well as the fact he always shoots straight with her, even when he lies or obscures the truth beneath word games. He’s the only man who admits to the double standards, and he points her in the right direction to capture Bill, albeit by leaving Clarice to put the clues together herself.

At the end of the day, Silence of the Lambs is Clarice’s story. Sure, Hopkins is spectacular as Hannibal, but even with her Oscar win for the role, Foster is often overlooked for her contributions as Starling. It’s a role that’s been imitated a thousand times since 1991—including with several other actresses playing Clarice—but it’s never been duplicated. There is a steadfast resilience here, sure, but also a quiet awareness that’s just as observant as Hopkins’ supervillain. She sees everything, including her own insecurities. Dr. Lecter brings them to the surface when he extracts the story of the screaming lambs from her memory, but she already knows what the crying lamb sounds like. She hears it almost every night.

Read more

Movies

Hannibal: Did Author Thomas Harris Try to Destroy Dr. Lecter?

By Don Kaye

TV

Clarice Review (Spoiler Free): No Hannibal, No Problem

By Tony Sokol

It’s all there in Foster’s own eyes, which is what gives her steely determination to overcome staying power in our minds. By the movie’s end, subtexts become text inside Buffalo Bill’s dungeon. For here is a basement that a man retrofitted into a torture chamber for women, members of the gender he covets and despises. As with the obstacle course, Clarice enters this space brazenly and defiantly, finding its labyrinthine center where Bill has turned off the lights.

Hidden behind his night vision goggles, the killer thinks he’s master, and Clarice is his next victim. One more sacrifice to feed upon. Finally, the male gaze we’ve spent the whole movie dreading from Clarice’s vantage is flipped, and we watch her through Bill’s green tinted voyeurism. This is the metaphor taken to its most extreme, with the camera sharing headspace with a serial killer. Yet it’s not too far removed from the Monster that’s stalked Clarice all her life. The grossness of Bill’s hesitant attempt to touch her hair, to take possession of Clarice’s body and personal space, is a reach every male in the film, save for Clarice’s father (the only other male the camera shares eyes with in a flashback), has made.

When Clarice once again turns the tables on this assumed authority and shoots Bill dead, she’s slayed one version of the minotaur and earned her perch in a system that’s resisted her. We see her triumph via the graduation at Quantico. Now she is a celebrity among the FBI. We also see it in Crawford’s genuine affection and admiration for the young woman.

Nevertheless, the maze he helped maintain persists, and the Monster takes another form. Thus even in her success, Clarice ends the film still framed in tight shadows, hanging onto the words of Dr. Lecter, who’s just put down the phone. She has the respectability and authority Hannibal lost long ago, but he can still move through this world in a way more liberated than any path Clarice has ever known.

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[freddiesaysalright]

Dancing With Ben Week 3

A Ben Hardy x Reader Fic Disney Night - Jazz

Summary: Reader is one of the pro dancers on Dancing With the Stars. It’s her second season on the show, and this time, her partner is none other than Ben Hardy. Will they win the Mirror Ball? Maybe they’ll win something even more meaningful!

Word Count: 3K

Tag List:  @psychosupernatural, @someone-get-a-medic, @twigleektribute23, @ionlyhavepicturesofflowers, @asquiresofftime, @caborhapch, @iwasnothingbutacityboy, @a-kind-of-magik, @anxious-diabetic, @royalblueviper, @toms-irish-girl If you’d like to be added, let me know!

Week 1  Week 2

Week 3 here we go!!!

Disney night was a favorite of yours. It reminded you of childhood and the night was always joyful. Also, you got to take a break from rehearsal one day and go to DisneyLand. You were really looking forward to spending the day at the park with Ben, even if the cameras were following you around for most of the day. 

“Are you ready to have a fun Disney day?” you asked eagerly as you entered the park.

“I am,” he chuckled, looking at you.

You felt like a little kid again. You donned Minnie Mouse ears and everything for the day. You hardly noticed the way Ben gazed at you, like you were positively the sweetest thing he had ever seen. You took his hand and led him over to Cinderella’s castle, where you would shoot some things for the video package.

You stood with him in front of the castle, and faced him. “So, what was your favorite Disney movie as a kid?”

“I always loved The Jungle Book and 101 Dalmations,” he said. “I was into the animals.”

“No princesses, huh?”

He shook his head. “Nah.”

“You do know you look like a Disney prince, right?”

He laughed, throwing his head back. “I guess so.”

“It’s not a guess, Hardy, I’m right,” you insisted with a smirk. 

“Which prince am I going to be this week, then?” he asked.

“Actually, we’re doing something different,” you told him. “You and I are doing a jazz routine to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious from Mary Poppins.” 

“I can’t believe you said that without messing up,” he said, impressed. “Do it again.”

“Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious,” you said.

“One more time.”

“Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.”

“Oh, you’re good.”

You giggled. “Thank you.”

“So, what do I need to know about jazz?” he asked.

“It is very fun and very Disney,” you said. “One step you’ll have to know is the Charleston.”

“Show me, coach,” he said.

You slowly walked him through the basic Charleston step. The camera guys got a shot of you doing it together for the package. Ben already had it down, blowing you away with how easy most of this came to him. Then, you headed out to enjoy the park.

“Do you like roller coasters?” you asked.

“I love them,” he said. “You?”

“I love them!” you agreed. “Oh, we’re gonna have so much fun today.”

You took his hand again and led him to the first ride. The line wasn’t terribly long since it was the middle of the week, but it was still Disney, so tourists were crowding the park. Ben held your hand throughout the ride. Even through the first drop, when your hands were in the air, they were intertwined. You looked quickly at each other before it went down, your stomach turned, and you screamed together. When you clamored off the ride at the end, your legs wobbled, but Ben held you up.

You continued through the park this way - hand in hand. You were heading to get some food, when a tiny hand tapped your knee. You looked down and saw a weepy little girl, looking desperately up at you. She was wearing a Cinderella dress, but her tiara was askew in her hair.

“Excuse me,” she sobbed. “Can you help me?”

“Yeah, honey, what’s wrong?” you asked, kneeling down to her level. 

“I’m lost,” she said with a sniffle. “I can’t find my mommy.”

“Where did you last see her?” Ben asked. 

“By the castle,” she answered.

You were in Toontown, so it wasn’t terribly far. It was still a long way for a girl her age to go alone. 

“Alright, we can walk you back over there and see if we can find her,” you said.

“O-okay,” she stammered with a nod.

“What’s your name, lovie?” Ben questioned gently.

“Laci,” she said.

“I’m Ben, and this is Y/N,” he told her. “It’s nice to meet you, Laci.”

The corners of her mouth  twitched upward as he smiled at her. 

“Can you hold our hands?” you suggested. 

“Hold on, I’ve got a better idea,” Ben said. “How’d you like to sit way up high on my shoulders, Laci? That way you can see your mum from wherever she is.”

Laci nodded enthusiastically. Together, you hoisted her up until she was settled on his shoulders, legs dangling on either side of his head. He held her ankles. At last, she laughed.

“Lean forward, lovie,” he said. “Don’t want you to slip off.”

“Okay!” she agreed brightly.

“That was a quick turnaround,” you said to Ben under your breath. 

“Kids love to be tall,” he replied simply. 

“Mr. Ben, why do you talk funny?” Laci asked from her seat atop him.

You grabbed his arm and snickered. “Mr. Ben!”

He chuckled. “Well, I’m from another country. England.”

“Oh!” she said. “Like Harry Potter!”

“Yes, like Harry Potter,” he said, smiling. 

“Do you know him?” she wondered.

“Not well,” he answered. “We’ve met, but, as you know, he’s a rather busy person.”

They carried on back and forth and you looked on with admiration. A pang of irritation went through you as you overheard the camera guy and producer exchange a few words.

“Are you getting this?” the producer asked.

“Yeah, they’re gonna love it,” said the camera man.

You made your way back to the castle and Ben instructed Laci to be on the lookout for her mother. You kept your eyes peeled as well for a woman who might be distressed. Laci wiggled on Ben and gave an excited cry. He gripped her legs tighter to keep her upright.

“There she is!” she said. “By the statue!”

You squinted and saw a pretty blonde woman up ahead. She looked frantic and was calling out. You jogged ahead, so you could lead her back to her daughter. 

“Hi!” you called. “Are you Laci’s mom?”

“Yes!” she sighed. “Is she with you?”

“Yeah,” you assured her. “And she’s fine, don’t worry.”

At that moment, Ben caught up. He lifted Laci off his shoulders and lowered her to the ground. She hurtled toward her mother and wrapped herself on her legs.

“Thank you!” her mother cried. “I stopped in a shop to grab one thing, and the next thing I knew she was gone.”

“She came right up and asked us for help,” you said.

“Seriously, thank you so much,” she said. 

A beat passed as she looked at you. “Aren’t you two on Dancing With the Stars?”

You smiled. “Yeah! I’m Y/N, and this is Ben Hardy.”

“I thought I recognized you,” she said. “The whole family are big fans.”

“We hope that means you’re voting for us,” Ben joked.

She laughed. “Of course! Especially now, after what you’ve done. Is there...anything else I can do for you guys to thank you?”

You and Ben exchanged a surprised look.

“No, nothing,” he assured her. “Really, she was no trouble.”

“Then can I just ask for a picture?” she said a little sheepishly.

“Of course!” you agreed.

She picked up Laci and put her on her hip. Ben took her phone and you all leaned in for a selfie. He snapped the photo and returned her phone to her and she thanked you again and again. When you parted ways at last, Laci in her mother’s arms, she waved to you over her shoulder, until she was out of sight.

“What a sweetheart,” you cooed. You turned to Ben. “And you! You really were like a Disney prince!”

He looked at the ground. “No, I wasn’t. I was just being a good person.”

“You literally swept her off her feet,” you said.

“I do the same thing to you every week,” he teased, winking at you.

It made you stop in your tracks. You caught your breath and then kept on walking. Shortly after, the cameras were gone and you and Ben were free to enjoy the rest of the afternoon however you liked. You packed as much as you could into the day, since Ben had actually never been before. You had an absolute blast on all the rides, sometimes holding tightly to him as you went. A few other people recognized you and asked for pictures as well, which you happily agreed to.

Finally, you stopped to eat something. You picked a restaurant in the New Orleans Square and sat down to eat. As you waited for your food, you chatted some more.

“So, are you excited for this week’s dance?” you asked.

“I’m always excited to dance with you,” he replied, and you hoped he missed the color that flooded your cheeks. “But I am excited for this dance. I’m actually a bit relieved to not be a prince character.”

“Why?” you wondered.

“Well, I feel like it’s how everyone sees me,” he explained. “The hot guy or whatever. I want to be known for my performance, not the way I look. It’s why - when I have a choice - I always choose to remain clothed.”

You cocked your head to the side with a questioning look. He laughed at how cute you were.

“For example, when I did Woman in White, there was a scene where I could have had my shirt off,” he said. “I chose to keep it on because I wanted people focused on the scene. Not my body.”

“Are you insecure about it or something?” you asked, incredulous at the idea.

“No, not at all,” he answered. “I’m proud of my body and all that but I don’t like being objectified. Ogled.”

“It makes you feel like the reason you get parts is because you’re eye candy,” you summarized.

“Yes, exactly,” he said. “I want to be recognized for my talent.”

“Ben, you are a very handsome man,” you said, holding out your hand, which he took. “But you are so much more than that. You’re really talented. Not just at acting, but dance now too. Even more than both those things, you’re genuinely one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met. It’s probably what I like most about you.”

“I appreciate that,” he said. “Really.”

You enjoyed dinner together and you realized your newfound respect for Ben. He took his art really seriously. He had fun, but he was intent on doing things the right way. You admired him greatly for it.

The next day, you began rehearsals. Ben was enthusiastic as usual as you broke down the basics for him. One fun thing about this routine was that you were doing a lift where he had to flip you over a cane. It was whimsical and interesting. Ben was incredibly careful with you. Luckily, he was strong and only dropped you once. You laughed on the floor when he fussed and wondered if you were okay. 

“I’m fine!” you insisted. “Believe me, this happens all the time. Do you need a break?”

“Yeah, maybe a short one,” he said.

You sat down and grabbed some water, allowing him to shake it off. At that moment, Sasha entered, carrying a gossip magazine. You raised an eyebrow at him.

“Look what I found!” Sasha teased. “You two were really cozying up at Disney, eh?”

He handed you the magazine and you opened it to the page he had dog-eared. You groaned when you saw it. It was you and Ben at the restaurant holding hands. The text speculated you were in a relationship, and also implied how it would break James’s heart that you had “moved on.”

“Looks like you two are the couple of the season,” Sasha said.

“I’m happy to take some of the pressure off Sharna, but this is ridiculous,” you said. It usually was Sharna who was rumored to be dating her male partners on the show. 

“Yeah, Y/N was just being nice to me right then,” said Ben. “We were really just having a moment of genuine friendship.”

“You know how it goes,” Sasha said. “The press has to come up with some scandal if they can. Unless of course it’s true.”

You smacked him on the arm. “Don’t you have some rehearsal you need to be at, Mr. Bottom Two?” 

Sasha feigned offense. “Oh, she’s feisty. Good luck, Ben!” 

He left with a laugh and without the magazine. You kicked it into the corner. 

“Let’s get back to work, shall we?” you said. 

Ben smiled and agreed. 

He picked up the routine well. You worked extra hard to get the parts where you tossed his cane and your umbrella down to perfect timing. By the time dress rehearsal rolled around, you were feeling great. You were getting fitted for your dress. It was the white one, similar to what Julie Andrews wore in the movie, but with a little more sex appeal. Your neckline was a deep vee, and the red bit really cinched in your waist. The skirt only went just past your knees and you couldn’t resist doing a twirl and getting the layers floating around your legs.

You heard Ben gasp in the doorway. You beamed at him. 

“Wow,” he sighed. “You look…”

“Practically perfect in every way?” you finished.

He nodded. You naturally made you way to his arms and settled there. 

“You look pretty good yourself, handsome,” you said, straightening his bow tie. 

“Thank you,” he said. 

“Are you ready to kill it?” you asked. 

“It’s only dress rehearsal,” he laughed.

“No excuses, Hardy,” you said, poking his chest. “Give me everything you got, remember?”

“Yes, coach.”

You made it through dress rehearsal without a hitch. You were sure you and Ben would be getting even higher scores this time around. It was going so smoothly. 

The time came for the performance. You and Ben were going right in the middle of everyone else, which was fine with you. You were certain he’d stand out. Tom started to introduce you.

“Next up, take a look at Ben and Y/N’s experience at Disney, where they faced an unexpected visitor,” he said.

The video package showed you and Ben talking and then they included finding Laci. You rolled your eyes. Ben actually watched the video this time, and he smiled at Laci’s face.

“She really was cute, wasn’t she?” he said.

You nodded. “Well, she and her mom are voting so let’s do them proud.”

You got set up as the video faded to black, the music started, and you began your routine. 

You and Ben leapt around that dance floor like Mary Poppins and Bert were right off the screen. He got every step. He nailed the small lift, and you felt like you really brought some fire to that jazz. When you finished, you embraced, before heading over to the judges, very much out of breath. 

“Once again, I’m shocked,” Carrie Ann began. “Seriously, jazz can be so hard, and Y/N pulled no punches with that choreography.” She added a few notes about footwork.

“I won’t lie to you, Ben,” Len began, but then he broke into a smile. “I really, really liked that dance. You went in there, gave it some welly, and you performed a real jazz number. Well done.”

You and Ben laughed and squeezed each other. 

“I loved that dance,” Bruno agreed. “You were bouncing around, and you really captured the essence of Mary Poppins and Dick Van Dyke in that movie. And honestly, you behaved like a real Disney hero for that little girl in the park. Well done, Ben!”

They all clapped for you as you headed to the skybox to talk to Erin and receive your scores. The other pros and contestants high fived you guys as you came through, finally stopping in front of the camera.

“Great job, you guys!” Erin said. “Honestly, Ben, you and that little girl had my heart just melting. What exactly happened there?”

“Y/N and I were walking and the girl - Laci - literally just walked up and asked us to help her find her mum,” he explained. “She was so sweet, so we helped her out, and luckily, her mum wasn’t too far away.”

“Still so, so cute,” she said. “Let’s see what the judges thought.”

You waited while the scores came in. All three of them scored you a nine. You screamed with joy and leapt into Ben’s arms, wrapping your legs around his waist. The three nines placed you at the top of the leaderboard. You felt like you were in the clouds. Between the dance, the scores, and the thrill of being in the lead, nothing could bring you down. Ben was exactly the same. You couldn’t stop hugging each other. 

“You did it!” you cried. “I’m so proud of you!”

“We did it!” he returned. “Together!”

You got warm all over from the sentiment. 

Finally, it was elimination time. You and Ben joined the other couples on the stage as you waited once again for Erin and Tom to go through couple by couple to tell them who was in danger. You gripped Ben’s hand so tight, you were sure his fingers were bruised. 

“Ben and Y/N,” Erin said. “I’m sorry, you guys are in danger tonight.”

Your mouth fell open and you looked at Ben. He swallowed and pulled you under his arm. He kissed your forehead and you closed your eyes. You held tightly to him, fearing you may not get to hold him again. 

“I’m sorry,” you whispered.

“It’s not over yet,” he said, sounding more confident than he looked. 

You waited. There were three couples total in danger. You and Ben, Sasha and his partner, and Lindsay and her partner. 

“The couple that is leaving us tonight is…” Tom began.

You gripped handfuls of Ben’s jacket, sending a silent prayer that you wouldn’t have to let him go yet. You weren’t ready. 

“Sasha and…”

You sighed with relief, but did not let go of Ben. He didn’t release you either. You held each other for a long moment. The others were already moving to say goodbye to Sasha and his partner. You and Ben looked at each other and then joined them, noticeably behind. 

“That concludes Disney night,” Tom said to the camera. “Thanks for joining us and come back next week to see what our stars come up with for country night!”

[aspoonofsugar]

Who are your top 10 female characters?

Hello anon,

Here is my list in no particular order.

1) Akane Tsunemori (Psycho Pass)

Akane is my favourite character in Psycho Pass followed closely by Makishima. I think she has the best development in the whole series and I like the twist of her being a dystopic heroine who is able to affirm her own identity not by defying the system, but by accepting to work for it in her own way. All in all her point of view is original and refreshing and the scene where she finally reaches it together with her two speeches about the law in the final episode are some of my favourite moments in the series.

Generally speaking I love her because she is an example of an idealist whose idealism is challenged, but reaffirmed in the end in a way which is deeper and more powerful than before.

I like this kind of character and this is why in her section I am mentioning also two other female characters who share this trait.

The first is Madoka Kaname (Puella Magi Madoka Magica)

She starts the series as a naive girl who wants to grow up and believes in hope, but the story slowly destroys her innocent perspective of the world. However, by the end she manages to acquire a deeper knowledge of herself and of the world and re-affirms her ideals in a very powerful way through her final wish.

The second one is Nao Kanzaki (Liar Game):

Nao is described as a girl honest to a fault which makes her not the best candidate to take part in a game where the players have to trick and lie to each other. However, this doesn’t lead Nao to become a cynical person, but makes her reflect on why people lie and through the series she realizes that doubting people is part of the process to come to know them. I also like that she never becomes a genius strategist, but that she is able to show a different kind of intelligence rooted in the fact that she looks at things from a different perspective.

2) Alluka (and Nanika) Zoldyck (HxH):

Alluka has yet to have a proper arc and major focus, but I just love the idea behind her character and how symbolic it is. All in all she is a child who wants to be loved and to whom it has been taught that love is conditional. She is objectified in many different ways by the people around her and I like how her character is about showing that this behaviour is wrong.

3) Toph (ATLA)

Toph is the reason why I became so invested in the series. Her debut episode is one of my favourites and I love how Toph bending style developed in a way that let her overcome her blindness. At the same time, she has a wonderful personality and is incredibly well characterized.

4) Azula (ATLA)

Azula’s arc in season three is incredibly tragic and well built in my opinion. I especially like how the episode “The Beach” lets us get a glimpse at Azula’s issues and at how she refuses to aknowledge them and keeps repressing her feelings. This is probably what leads to her downfall.

All in all, I really love female villains, so there are two other characters who will be mentioned in this section.

Eto Yoshimura (TG):

I am not happy about her arc and focus being dropped suddenly, but despite it, I really like Eto as a character. I like her background and aesthetic. Moreover, it was very interesting to have a writer as an antagonist and I loved how her interiority was reflected in her books and how her stories were commentaries of the main plot.

Claudia McCunnen (Phantom: A Requiem for the Phantom):

Claudia is an antagonist I really like. Her motivations are complex and rooted both in the loss of her brother and in her desire for power. She uses her looks and sexuality to advance in the world, but is also extremely cunning and an incredible manipulator. All in all, it is very interesting how she foils Scythe Master in the way she manipulates others. Scythe takes away the will of his victims, whereas Claudia makes so that her subordinates follow her out of (what they think to be) freedom.

Despite this, her idea of free will and of living one’s life in freedom are obviously very important for the series and for the characters of Reiji and Ellen specifically.

5) Ellen (Phantom: A Requiem for the Phantom):

Despite the fact that Reiji is the main POV character of the series,  Ellen is the character the story ends up revolving around. She is the one with the best arc and the one whose development receives the most focus. I really like her evolution and how she starts out as a person without a will or an identity and ends the series by affirming who she in front of the man who abused her.

What is more, I find her defense mechanism very interesting. Basically, in order to face the life of an assassin which was imposed on her, Ellen has been repressing both her feelings and will and kills only on others’ orders. It is explained that if she did not do so, she would lose herself in the horror of killing. Despite this and her lack of memories, the narrative makes clear early on that her sense of self is not lost, but simply hidden and the way it is conveyed through little hints is very beautiful.

6) Cal Devens (Phantom: A Requiem for the Phantom)

Cal is Ellen’s opposite both in terms of characterization and as far as her arc is concerned. For example, Ellen’s problem is that she represses her feelings, whereas Cal lets herself be completely controlled by her strong emotions to the point that she becomes self-destructive. Her arc is the most tragic in the series imo since she starts as a child craving love and stability and then starts spiralling and becomes an assassin after she feels left behind by the person she trusted the most.

Her change is not really shown happening because of a time-skip, but despite how much different she appears in the last part of the series, I think this transformation is consistent with what we are shown before of her. All in all, what I like about her is how well characterized she is and the way specific motifs and details are taken and twisted after her negative change to underline how tragic the whole situation is. Her last scenes are among my favourites in the series and she has my favourite theme song of all the characters. It also helps that said theme song is used beautifully in the series and in a pretty symbolic way.

7) Nina Fortner (Monster)

Nina has my favourite arc in Monster. I love how she starts by repressing her past and assuming she can just push forward without ever aknowledging the dark part of herself, but then she starts a journey of self-discovery which is painful, but makes so that she can become wiser and happier in the end. The way she changes her mind about how justice works is also very beautiful.

Finally, the twist of the Red Rose Mansion is one of my favourite twists ever and her dynamic with Johan (another fave of mine) is fascinating.

8) Kyouko Sakura (Puella Magi Madoka Magica)

All in all I love all the girls in Madoka, but I have always had a soft spot for Kyouko. I like characters who present themselves as negative and then turn out to be good eggs and it is what happens with Kyouko. I really like how she presents herself as a cynic, but has actually a very idealistic part and a strong faith she never truly lost despite her tragic background. Her past itself is very interesting and sad and I love how it is expanded in Another Story. Talking of that extra I really enjoyed Kyouko’s relationship with Mami there and the way they became each other’s families (of course I also like her relationship and foiling with Sayaka in the series). Another thing I found very interesting in the extra story is the fact that Kyouko’s powers are shown and that we are explained how she became unable to use them because of her subconsciously refusing her wish. It is a very cool detail which perfectly shows how Kyouko’s defense mechanism consists in her refusing a part of herself which is the same part she sees and despises in Sayaka.

Speaking of characters who appear harsh, but have a very sensitive side to them, I would also like to mention another character in this section.

Touka Kirishima (TG)

Touka’s arc in TG is my favourite and all in all I like her transformation in :re even if I think far more could have been done with her character. For example, I would have loved for her to confront Eto as an embodyment and possible evolution of Yoshimura’s ideals. It could have led to very interesting developments for both characters and to a beautiful resolution of both their arcs.

That said, I still loved to see how she changed at the beginning of :re and her confrontation with Kaneki in Cochlea is still one of my favourite scenes.

However, the reason why she is among my favourites is how well done her character is in TG. Her parallel and inversed arc to Kaneki’s is just very beautiful and hopeful. Touka is a person who does an effort to understan and to try to communicate with others and seeing her struggle, fail and get better at it is wonderful.

I also love the chapters of her and Ayato’s past and how they explain the two siblings’ personalities perfectly and manage to make both characters thematically resonant for the human-ghoul conflict since they come to embody two different pov on what it means to be a ghoul.

9) Akemi Homura (Puella Magi Madoka Magica)

Homura is probably the most important character in the whole series since she is the reason why the plot itself happens. I like how active she is in the plot and the plot twist about her past is beautifully built throughout the series. I really like the episode where we are shown her transformation since it manages to make this extreme change belieavable despite having it done in one single episode. Her flaw os not accepting Madoka’s leaving her is also an extremely relatable one.

10) Luna Lovegood (Harry Potter)

Luna is one of my favourite archetypes that is the airheaded genius. Since they are not characters who are easy to handle there are not many around who have central roles in stories, but I love this kind of character whenever I meet it.

This is also why I love Shizuku Murasaki (HxH):

Shizuku is a very minor character, but I love her being characterized as a girl who easily forgets things, but at the same time is pretty intelligent since she manages to understand the meaning of Neon’s prophecies and is able to come up with great strategies in her battle against the Ants.

Honorable mentions go to the snk girls who are not in this list mostly because I want to first see how their arcs end. Among them, I particularly love Gabi, Historia and Mikasa.

Thank you very much for this aks anon! It was very fun to write!

[funface2]

Best Dick Jokes Through History – Why Sexual Comedy About Men Is Important – Esquire

Blake Griffin landed a dick joke about Caitlyn Jenner at the Comedy Central Roast of Alex Baldwin, which aired last weekend. “Caitlyn completed her gender reassignment in 2017, finally confirming that no one in that family wants a white dick,” he said to roars of laughter. Was the joke offensive? Racist? Hilarious? All of the above? For her part, Jenner took the dick joke in stride. “Caitlyn was down for it,” one of the writers of the roast said. “She was like, ‘Well, you know, I’m gonna hit hard. I want them to hit me hard.’ And so we did.”

Dick jokes have existed throughout history in nearly every culture known to man, from the greatest literature of all time—Shakespeare and James Joyce—to ancient graffiti. “Weep, you girls. My penis has given you up. Now it penetrates men’s behinds. Goodbye, wondrous femininity!” some anonymous guy scrawled on the wall of a bar in the Roman city of Pompeii around 2,000 years ago. They have been staples of comedy for millennia for a reason: They’re nearly universally appealing.

“Whether you’re rich or poor or black or white, everyone laughs at a dick joke,” says comedian Aaron Berg, who hosts a recurring show at The Stand in New York City. (Berg also hosted a somewhat controversial, entirely satirical show called White Guys Matter that addressed some aspects of white male inadequacy.)

One comedian has elevated dick jokes to poetry, launching them into the realm of high art: Jacqueline Novak, whose one-woman off-Broadway show about blow jobs, Get on Your Knees, manages to make the dick joke both hilarious and high brow. She’s not the first woman to tell a dick joke, nor will she be the last, but she is perhaps the only one to devote a show almost entirely to the penis (with a few minutes sidetracking to ghosts) and be feted by The New York Times for doing so.

Novak, who has been called a “deeply philosophical urologist,” may represent a tipping point in dick jokes, because her show is finally allowing people to see the wisdom (yes, wisdom) in penis humor.

“I don’t even think of myself as like, interested in telling penis jokes. I certainly wouldn’t sit down and go, I’d love to do a show about penises,” Novak says. “I think it’s more like an investigation of my heterosexuality. Does [being heterosexual] mean I love the penis? I’m interested in the language that I’ve been expected to use or accept as legitimate about the penis. Here’s all the reasons that that’s ridiculous.”

Novak’s show is replete with riffs on our “ridiculous” penis language, from the fact that we say the penis is “rock hard”—”No geologist would ever say, this quartz is penis hard“—to the idea that the penis penetrates a woman—”You penetrate me? Fine, but I ate you, motherfucker! I chewed you up! Spit you out, and you loved every goddamn second of it.” In some ways, Novak is the perfect teller of the 21st century dick joke, not only because she is chronicling our hangups about the penis, but also because without a penis of her own, perhaps she is able to see the dick more clearly for what it is, in all its ridiculousness and beauty.

“You penetrate me? Fine, but I ate you, motherfucker! I chewed you up!”

But for the most part, phallic culture remains incoherent. Men are pilloried for exposing their dicks, while Euphoria is celebrated for its 30-penis episode; dick pics are critiqued like Picassos or seen as a public menace; judging a man by the size of his penis is perfectly acceptable or grossly objectifying; porn covers every inch of the internet, yet Facebook won’t accept ads for dildos. Dick jokes are still looked down on as cheap—to be fair, some of them are blatantly bad—but some comics say that isn’t always fair.

“Dick jokes, if you craft something amazing out of them, could be the funniest thing someone’s ever heard. And funny in a way that like, opens your mind up even,” says comedian Sean Patton. “That’s the most important kind of comedy, where you laugh at something to the point where you’re now a little more accepting of it. And that can range from anything to other people’s sexual orientation to accepting your own mental illness.” Patton’s own extended dick joke, “Cumin” on Comedy Central’s This Is Not Happening, has been viewed over 2 million times on YouTube.

Jacqueline Novak performs at the 2019 Clusterfest in June.

Jeff KravitzGetty Images

Novak uses the blow job to critique cultural expectations of masculinity and the pressure women feel to become skilled at sexually pleasing men. “The teeth shaming starts early, of course,” she says in her show. “If you have your full set of teeth…don’t go into a room where a penis is. It’s not safe for him. Why would you put him at risk?”

Patton likens the dick joke to a “Trojan horse” of comedy. “You make them laugh hard at dick jokes, now they’re listening,” he says. “Then you can throw in something a little more meaningful, and they’re on board.”

Not that all dick jokes need to be intellectual to be taken seriously. The song “D*** in a Box” by The Lonely Island, featuring Justin Timberlake, won an Emmy. It turns out the concept wasn’t exactly new. “Decades before The Lonely Island, B.S. Pully was doing that in the ’40s and ’50s,” comedy historian Kliph Nesteroff says. “Pully would be holding a cigar box at his groin, walking down the aisle. [He would] start a show saying, ‘Cigar, would you like a cigar?’ Then he would lift up the lid, and there was a hole cut in there, and his dick was hanging out. The audience would go crazy.”

Dick jokes continue to thrive off audience reactions, according to several comedians I talked to. Bonnie McFarlane, who is best known for her appearance on Last Comic Standing and her Netflix documentary Women Aren’t Funny, began telling dick jokes when she started out in 1995. “You tell dick jokes because it’s a very male audience, so that’s what they want to hear about,” she says. “It’s been a thing since comedy started. People can really kill if they’re just doing dick jokes.” But there is a double standard, she says, when female comics are made fun of “for talking about their vaginas too much.”

That Novak, a female comic, is revolutionizing the dick joke makes sense, considering that historically, “the vanguard for so-called dick jokes and sexual material comes first and foremost from women rather than men,” Nesteroff says. He points to female comics Rusty Warren, Belle Barth, Pearl Williams, and LaWanda Page as “probably the four quote-unquote ‘dirtiest’ comedians of the ’50s and ’60s, more so than Lenny Bruce, more so than Redd Foxx.”

LaWanda Page performs for The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast in 1978.

NBCGetty Images

He also says African Americans pushed dick jokes further than any other ethnicity. African-American comedian Page’s albums from the 1970s were rich with dick jokes, referencing “the size of the man, the endurance of the man,” Nesteroff says. As Page recites in her 1973 comedy album Pipe Layin’ Dan: “Husband, dear husband, now don’t be a fool/you’ve worked on the night shift ’til you’ve ruined your tool/you’d better go hungry the rest of your life/than to bring home a pecker so soft to your wife.”

“LaWanda [told] dick jokes for the same reasons a lot of black comics do, because they had to come up in the chitlin circuit, which is basically comedy clubs or bars or places where only black audiences mainly go,” says comedian Harris Stanton, who has toured with Tracy Morgan. “When I started comedy [in 1999] I started in the chitlin circuit,” he continues. “Urban comedy became this big explosion in the United States. A lot of the young black comics couldn’t get into a lot of mainstream clubs, so they would have to perform wherever they could, and dick jokes were welcome to those places.”

African Americans were pioneers of the dick joke, but they definitely weren’t the only ethnic group telling them. Three of the other female sex-joke pioneers Nesteroff mentioned were Jewish. Pearl Williams was known for roasting overweight men when they entered the comedy club by asking, “How long has it been since you’ve seen your dick?” Lenny Bruce, one of the most famous Jewish comedians, was arrested for saying schmuck on stage in 1962. Seven years later, another famous American Jew, Philip Roth, published Portnoy’s Complaint, which is essentially a 274-page dick joke, or so some claim.

“How long has it been since you’ve seen your dick?”

“I probably owe a debt to Philip Roth that I’m not even fully aware of,” says Novak, who is Jewish. She references him directly in her show, joking, “I went off to college feeling good. It’s a Catholic-ish college. Lots of virgin boys scurrying around, scrambling for sexual experience at parties. Not me. I’m a Jew and I did the coursework in high school, so I felt like a Philip Roth figure. A Jewish pervert ready to teach.”

Jewish male comics may be drawn to dick jokes, according to Berg, who is Jewish, because, “the fact that our penises were intruded upon at a very young age probably gives us a fixation on it and makes us want to talk about it more.”

Dr. Jeremy Dauber, the Atran professor of Yiddish language, literature, and culture at Columbia University and author of Jewish Comedy, traces Jewish dick jokes all the way back to the Bible. The earliest case of laughter in Jewish tradition is Sarah’s laughter when she’s told that her 100-year-old husband Abraham will give her a child. It is “a laughter about male impotence,” Dauber says.

But comedians aren’t just laughing at penises anymore. Novak is going in the opposite direction. “I’m trying to restore [the penis] to true dignity.” Will her intellectual blow job jokes allow the dick joke to be taken more seriously? Will future comedians have to deal with the flack that Patton still gets in his reviews?

“Even like positive reviews, sometimes they’ll still point out there’s also a lot of cock, cock cock,” he says. “Why do you have to make sure everyone knows that you thought some of the subject matter was lowbrow?” He thinks reviewers roll their eyes at his dick talk because “everyone constantly is terrified that those around them don’t think that they’re that smart.”

Comedy is one of the only art forms that allows us to talk about male genitalia so openly and democratically. Whatever form the dick joke takes, from idiotic to intellectual, from poetry to prop comedy, as long as it gets a laugh, it should be celebrated. And there’s no better way to diffuse the angst surrounding the modern-day penis than a well-crafted dick joke. The more we laugh about penises (and not just at them), the happier the world might be.

Hallie Lieberman Hallie Lieberman is a sex historian and journalist, and the author of “Buzz: A Stimulating History of the Sex Toy.”  

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Bài viết Best Dick Jokes Through History – Why Sexual Comedy About Men Is Important – Esquire đã xuất hiện đầu tiên vào ngày Funface.

from Funface https://funface.net/best-jokes/best-dick-jokes-through-history-why-sexual-comedy-about-men-is-important-esquire/

[weekendwritingmarathon]

This weekly roundup includes fics written (at least in part) during the 1k1h sprints and/or the Weekend Writing Marathon events.

Fics are ordered first by fandom, then by word count from smallest to largest.

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Again by @ialwayscomewhenyoucall

Carry On (Rainbow Rowell) || snowbaz || General || No major warnings apply || 167 words || Complete

Summary: Just a few of Simon's thoughts after their first kiss.

Other tags: chapter 61, simon pov, poetry, fluff

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Looking for Every Day by @ialwayscomewhenyoucall

Doctor Who || Eight x Rose || No major warnings apply || 446 words || Complete

Summary: While looking for her Doctor with the dimension cannon, Rose comes across an earlier version of the Doctor instead. They only have a few minutes, but Rose and the Doctor will always have a connection: anywhere and anywhen.

Other tags: dimension-hopping rose, poetry

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lost in the after by @ialwayscomewhenyoucall

Harry Potter || none || General || No major warnings apply || 148 words || Complete

Summary: The day after the Battle of Hogwarts Luna sits alone, a bit lost in her grief, a bit in shock.

Other tags: poetry, post battle of hogwarts, grief, shock

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Together by @tellthenight

The Magicians || Quentin/Eliot || Teen & up || No major warnings apply || 336 words || Complete

Summary: A little bit from Q and Eliot's life together that we missed in ep 3.05-A Life in the Day.

Other tags: queliot, A Life in the Day, Missing Scene, 3.05

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Thursday by @tellthenight

Supernatural || Dean/Cas || General || No major warnings apply || 462 words || Complete

Summary: Dean tries to ask Cas out.

Other tags: destiel, flirting, AU

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A Irresistible Good Baby by FormidablePassion

Supernatural || none || Mature || Graphic Descriptions of Violence || 969 words || Complete

Summary: Lilith is hungry. She wants a delicious snack and she only settles for the sweetest little morsels that humanity has to offer.

Other tags: Lilith, Canon Compliant, Cannibalism, Marshmallow Cannibalism, Magic, Handwavy Demon Power, Hostage Situation, Kidnapping

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It’s Destiny by @fpwoper

Supernatural || Dean/Cas/Benny || Explicit || No major warnings apply || 1,370 words || Complete

Summary: Dean and Benny secretly want Cas to join them, both in their sex life and in their personal relationship. But how will they get to their goal? SPN Kink Bingo square: Double Penetration

Other tags: Alternate Universe - Restaurant, Restaurant Owner Benny Lafitte, Restaurant Owner Dean Winchester, Restaurant Owner Castiel, Good Cook Dean Winchester, Slight pining, Walking In On Someone, Double Penetration, Double Anal Penetration, Blowjobs, mild pain play, Mild Cock and Ball Torture, It’s not as bad as the tags make it look like, Bottom Castiel (Supernatural), Top Dean Winchester, Top Benny Lafitte

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What We Did Summer Vacation by Treefrogie84

Supernatural || Sam Winchester/ Amelia Richardson || Teen & up || No major warnings apply || 1,542 words || Complete

Summary: Chuck got to write novels for his prophecies. Nice, simple, and got him paid. Kevin's sneaking internet access under Crowley's nose and writing fan fiction of all things. This is going to look great on his college applications.

Other tags: meta madness, Prophet Kevin Tran, Sam Winchester hit a dog, Season 8, Fanfiction

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There You Are by FormidablePassion

Supernatural || Castiel/Jimmy Novak, Dean Winchester/Castiel/Jimmy Novak || Explicit || No major warnings apply || 46,496 words || Complete

Summary: Jimmy knew that he was adopted, he never bothered to ask questions, content with his family. When he finds himself face to face with one Castiel Milton he does things that he never thought he would do. Then Cas and Jimmy get the great idea to seduce the hot new Physics professor. Which throws all three of them for a loop.

Other tags: Charlie Bradbury, Hael, Minor Character Death, Alternate Universe - College/University, student!Jimmy, Jimmy POV, Professor!Dean, blatant objectifying of Dean Winchester, Mistaken Identity, Twins Separated at Birth, Smut, Frottage, Twincest, Sibling Incest, First Kiss, Cuddling & Snuggling, implied baking skills, Anticipation, Underage Drinking, POV Dean Winchester, Exhibitionism, Voyeurism, Deansturbation, Masturbation, Miscommunication, Unsafe Sex, Then safe sex, Angst with a Happy Ending

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Finding Our Way by @pherryt

Supernatural || destiel, bendriel, dean/cas/benny/alfie || Explicit || No major warnings apply || 75,627 words || Complete

Summary: Part 2 of the Just Right series: The music festival is over but the memory of it still lingers on in everyone's minds. Benny's working harder than ever at the diner while Alfie's trying to decide whether or not to meet his real family. Cas is trying to convince Dean to keep a kitten, Bobby's checking out the new possible boyfriends, Benny gets a mysterious new hire at the Diner and, all in all, they're just counting the days till Dean and Cas can move to Sioux Falls. Can their Summer Fling become the Real Thing?

Other tags: Polyamory, diner!fic, Established Relationship, Smut, Fluff, Angst, Past Abuse, Past Cheating(not by any of our guys), diner au, Hurt/Comfort, Finding Family, Reconnections, Cop!Dean, Doctor!Cas, Chef!Benny, writer!Alfie, bottom!alfie, everyone else switches, Light Dom/sub, Gentle Dom Castiel, domestic AU, Kitten, tub sharing, Shibari, Sub!Dean, Panic Attacks

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Risky Business by @froggydarren

Teen Wolf (RPF) || Tyler H/Dylan O || Teen & up || No major warnings apply || 1,532 words || Complete

Summary: There’s one person whom Tyler wants to hang out with at any given moment in time. He’s also the one with whom there’s a higher risk of being recognized and swarmed by fans. Still, they’re going to be only a few hours apart and with a little time on their hands. Tyler wonders if it’s worth the risk.

Other tags: Pre-relationship, Friendship, Pining, Unresolved Romantic Tension

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recognize the chances that you missed by Tryslora

Teen Wolf || Derek/Stiles || Teen & up || No major warnings apply || 3,988 words || Complete

Summary: It's been at least a decade since Derek saw Stiles, maybe longer. Hauling him out of a car wreck isn't how he expected a reunion to go.

Other tags: hurt!Stiles, angst with a happy ending

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