#of himself thing. but i dont really remember how much of that was a dirk thing and how much was the classpect

[ranting-writer]

On Childhood Neglect and Brothers

Dave sat boredly in the meteor's library, watching Rose and Kanaya flip through books.

He himself had been booted from research duty, Rose finding his lack of focus, doodling, and wandering annoying. It wasn't his fault reading all these weird books was boring! He needed something besides little ass letters on a page to occupy his mind.

Little ass letters on his laptop, now... Now that was something special and worthy of his attention.

He opened up his laptop and plopped on his headphones to listen to music while he messed around with random applications. MSPaint, Minesweeper, his old Type-To-Learn program, Limewire (dear God he was impressed his computer wasn't riddled with a robo-plague from that thing), until eventually that was boring too.

He sighed as he pulled up Pesterchum.

No one was available to pester and no one had pestered him. Not even a screech from Karkat demanding he watch another shitty romcom.

As his eyes trailed the list of chumhandles, his eyes paused on an orange username. It wasn't his messages with Dirk, well, not the current Dirk. It was his Dirk.

Bro.

They hadn't used the chat service much since they literally lived together. They could just bother each other in their respective spaces. However, the service had been useful when Bro was out doing his rap ventriloquist thing, or printing Game Bro, or whatever else Bro did. If Dave needed or wanted something, he was able to just send a message and Bro's pda or phone could pick it up.

Hesitantly, Dave clicked on the chat to read old messages.

" --turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 20:27--

TG: yo

TG: you coming home anytime soon

TG: i was sort of praying for left overs of whatever food denniss girlfriend made

TT: Chill.

TT: You'll get your damn meatloaf and beans, lil man.

TG: oh fuck yes

TG: I haven't had meatloaf in fucking ages

TG: why dont you ever make anything like that bro

TG: can you cook or no

TT: I could if I wanted to.

TT: I just don't want to.

TT: Especially not for your ungrateful ass, like shit. I bust my balls to feed you in the first place and you just take food and abandon me to my futon alone. Like a jackass.

TT: I thought I raised you better.

TG: holy shit

TG: ill come eat the leftovers with you when you get home damn

TT: Amazing.

--turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified[TT] at 20:39--"

Dave stared at the chat, gnawing on his lip. In hindsight, he wondered how serious Bro had been in calling him ungrateful and a jackass. Bro had insulted him plenty before, usually during a classic rooftop strife, but that was strifing. This was a casual chat about meatloaf. What weirdly struck Dave then was the fact that he genuinely couldn't remember this chat, let alone the fact that Bro's weirdo friend had a girlfriend who could cook.

That wasn't to say he really knew Dennis well enough himself to say whether or not the guy had a girlfriend, but it felt weird that he couldn't remember it.

Whatever.

Random chat about meatloaf and cooking that was super short. Moving on.

"--timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 8:43--

TT: Yo.

TT: I know you're sick this morning, but I need you to do something in the house. Well a couple things, but yeah.

TT:....

TT: Dave.

TT: Daaaaaaave.

TT: Answer me Dave.

TT: If you don't answer me right now, I will die.

TG: jesus fuck dude

TT: Ah good. Death averted and now I can tell you your chores.

TG: dude im sick dont you think making a sick person do chores is a little

TG: oh i dunno

TG: counterproductive

TT: Chill, lil man. I'm not making you clean the toilet or something.

TT: Firstly, I need you to get the swords out of the fridge. I'm bringing home actual groceries today since I got a little extra from my gig last night.

TT: And since I remembered food exists and is definitely something I eat.

TG: uh-huh

TT: Put the swords wherever, so long as they're out of the way and can't cut us. That is if they can, I know they're pretty shitty. Got a couple from the gas station.

TT: Secondly, I need you to go downstairs one level and ask Mrs. Wilkins if she has our mail. Apparently a package got delivered but I didn't see it and it wasn't in the office.

TT: Got all that?

TT:...Dave oh my fucking God.

TT: Did you fall asleep again?

TG: can you shut the fuck up

TG: im doing what you fucking asked

TT: You wanna try that again, you little shit?

TG:.....

TG: im putting the swords in our storage closet and im about to go check for our mail

TG: im sorry

TT: That's better. No strife tonight.

TT: Get your personal stash ready too. I got you the fancy apple juice and those weird yogurt nibs you like.

TG: yogos?

TG: hell yes

TG: thanks bro

TT: Yup.

--timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 9:22--"

Dave stared at the exchange, terror clawing at his gut.

"You wanna try that again, you little shit?".

He remembered every time Bro had a tonal switch up. Normally, Bro was hard to read, but it was safe to assume he was typically content or even happy. Usually, that made the tension in his voice all that more noticeable when he got irritated with someone, usually Dave. Bro being irritated with Dave usually led to a strife, especially if Dave didn't correct the behavior or apologize.

Dave remembered a time when he was probably seven. He was playing with a ball in the living room, barely big enough to actually get his little hands around the hilt of a sword, let alone strong enough to actually properly lift one. He'd accidentally bounced the ball off a wall and through a window to the street below.

Bro had kicked his ass for it, berating him the entire time. Bro had at one point even called him a "useless brat, better off left in the crater he was found in".

Back then, Dave thought it was a weird way to refer to their mother, but with the new context he had, he knew better. Bro had at one point thought about just leaving baby Dave in the crater with the meteor with the dead horse.

Yet, mixed with the fear was nostalgia.

Bro had bought him his favorite juice and favorite snack, and was letting him keep them in his room. He didn't have to hide it later that night. He remembered the excitement he'd had for that, on top of the excitement for the spaghetti Bro made that night too. Bro had even surprised him with Olive Garden bread sticks!

And that's sort of what sucked total ass about remembering Bro and growing up with him. When things were bad, they were really, really bad. Dave would have bruises and scrapes, hiding them away with tapes and shirts too warm for the Texas spring. He'd take butter sandwiches to school with a Hi-C carton and try to ignore it when people mocked his shades, which hid a black eye.

When shit was bad, Dave had to help Bro be a person again. He cleaned the futon, and fixed Bro Chef-Boy-Arde on the stove, feeding Bro the scalding sauce and ravioli with cold centers. He'd pick up Bro from the shower sometimes and dry, dress, and tuck him in because if Dave didn't feed the both of them, Bro would forget to eat.

But when it was good, man was it so, so good.

Bro taught him to skateboard and even bought him a small collection at one point. Bro helped him turn his room into a red room for developing photos, and even kept up buying film for his camera. They'd eat pancakes and eggs for breakfast and go out to a museum just so Dave could see dead things and prattle on about how something was preserved.

Bro brought him weird, but cool gifts. Bro helped get his comic out to the Internet, advertising it himself, just to help and encourage Dave to continue his passions. Even strifing was fun!

The combination of pain and joy was hard for Dave to wrap his head around. Sure, he knew Bro was a shit guardian. He knew that. But when Bro was kind or loving, or affectionate, he put his all into it. He wasn't an "I love you" type of person, but getting Dave a preserved fetus in a jar had to be pretty close to saying that.

It was hard to accept that Bro was a bad, if not an abusive, parent, but Dave knew it in his heart to be true. But try as he might to feel angry about it, he just couldn't. He loved Bro dearly, despite the shit Bro put him through.

Dave sighed heavily, struggling to process through these feelings, when a notification came through. It was Dirk.

Dave hesitated then opened the chat.

--timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 23:56--

"TT: Hypothetically speaking, if you were to wax poetically about how you describe people, how would you describe our friends or myself?

TT: I ask because Karkat has inspired me.

TT: His rants are truly to be admired for their poetic and analogous nature, if nothing else.

TT: But I do wonder if others, specifically you, as you are, in fact, a Strider, have any ability to describe others like that. Maybe with less insults and profanity but... Yeah.

TT:....

TT: Are you okay?

TG: yeah sorry

TG: i got caught up in the sheer surprise of being messaged at this hour

TT: Fair.

TT: Although, is time even real around here?

TG: through sheer will and hate for shit that's not appropriately timed so help me god i will make it so

TT: Ha

TT: Fair enough, Mr. Knight of Time.

TG: anyway

TG: what the hell are you going on about exactly

TT: Sorry.

TT: I was trying to take a nap because I'm tired as shit, but Karkat was screeching up a storm outside my room about something. And I found it amazing how many analogies he could fit into a single tirade, while being borderline poetic about it.

TG: oh yeah he does that

TT: So it got me thinking.

TT: You are prone to long winded analogy yourself.

TT: I was wondering how...

TT: Whimsical I guess?

TT: You could be about it. Waxing poetic as I said prior.

TT:.....

TT: You okay, man?

TT: Okay I'm a little worried I somehow annoyed you.

TG: shit

TG: no you didn't

TG: sorry i fuckin zonked out trying to think

TT: Oh.

TT: Yeah I do that sometimes.

--turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 00:23--

TT: Dave?? "

Dave put his things back in his sylladex and quickly left the library. He needed to actually talk to Dirk in person. He needed an actual voice in his ears that wasn't Rose's picking at his psyche. Again.

----------

In his room, Dirk paced uncomfortably. His relationship with Dave wasn't exactly... Extremely tight yet. Even though this Dave wasn't actually his version, the Hollywood superstar director that is, he still admired Dave immensely. He looked at Dave as if the guy had hung the sun and stars. He didn't want to ruin their friendship by being clingy or needy or whatever else has apparently pushed Jake away.

Dirk stopped and looked up as Dave came in. "Oh. You're here."

Dave plopped down on Dirk's bed, groaning into a pillow. He felt like crap and just wanted the universe to stop for a minute. Well, technically he could do something like that. Obviously on a smaller scale, just for himself, but that ran the risk of creating a time loop he wasn't exactly prepared to track right then. He sighed as he felt Dirk's hand on his back.

Dirk murmured, "Wanna talk about it?"

Dave stook his head and sat up. "No," he started. "I mean, yes, but no, but... I dunno, dude. Family is confusing."

Dirk nodded. "Oh I know," he agreed. "But, I don't really have any experience with it. What's got you all antsy and crawling up your own ass?"

Dave shot Dirk a look from behind his shades before replying. "It's just my Bro."

"Just?"

Dave groaned again, rubbing his face in frustration. "I'm struggling to see him as good or bad."

Dirk tilted his head a bit, confused. "Why can't he be both?"

"Because he was a guy who went to extremes, and I'm struggling to figure out where exactly his feelings around me land on his Extreme Bro-motion Scale."

"Elaborate."

Dave sighed and laid down, explaining his prior thoughts and realizations around the chats he'd read. How Bro was fantastic and fun one day, but could be cold and ruthless the next. He described his complicated relationship with food because of the kitchen situation, but also described Bro's struggles with taking care of himself, let alone Dave.

Dirk listened patiently, letting Dave ramble and rant for as long as he needed. When Dave finally finished, Dirk hummed a bit before speaking. "Hmmm, it sounds like he was a complicated person," he said finally. "Abusive and not at all suitable to parenthood, as it were. But also it seems like he did give a shit."

Dave stuck his hands up in the air. "That's what I was thinking!," he exclaimed in frustration. "But how can that be accurate?!"

Dirk sighed and looked at the wall, trying to avoid looking at Dave. "Maybe he just... I dunno, didn't know better? Maybe he thought it was right? Based on how I am as a person, I can easily see how my messed up sense of what's helpful could actually cause a lot of damage in the long term.

"Now, it was possible he was just acting like every other abuser, and was making you think the good moments were worth the bad on purpose... From what I understand though, parent-child abuse can be more emotionally complex."

Dave stared at the ceiling, anxiety tumbling about on his gut like a heavy load of laundry thunking about in the dryer. This certainly felt more complicated than Bro just wanting a punching bag. It felt manipulative and genuine. It felt real and fake. It felt like...

Like...

It... Felt like Dave didn't really know his guardian's mind well at all.

And that was probably the worst part for him. He just didn't know. Sure, here in the meteor, they could pass through the dream bubbles and maybe he'd see Bro and could ask about it, but would it even be his Bro? Would Bro even be honest with him? Or would the guy shut down and snip at him to ready himself for a strife in anger? But maybe he didn't need to know.

Maybe, hopefully rather, Dave could just put his worries and questions aside. If he got answers one day, he'd be happy, but if he didn't....

Okay, he still needed to work on Letting That Shit Go 101.

For now, he sat up and leaned on Dirk. "I'll probably still end up defending him a lot..."

Dirk nodded and rubbed Dave's back. "That's alright," he assured Dave. "I doubt you've properly processed his death, let alone your entire childhood."

Dave sighed heavily and nodded. He definitely still struggled with seeing Bro's impaled corpse.

But maybe, just maybe, with Dirk at his side,he could process things at his pace, and without judgement or weird Freudian accusations. He smiled as Dirk hugged him tightly. Maybe he could actually forget about the reasons for his abuse one day, and leave Bro and his anxieties (mostly) behind.

[crappy-homestuck-confessions]

hm ok this isnt really a confession so much as a ramble but I feel like someone would stab me over this so wtvr

thinking abt how the creation of dirks splinters never come from a place of malice or self hatred or anything. they actually came from a desire for companionship.

prince of heart, based on class and aspect descriptions, is roughly equivalent to "destroyer of self". dirk continues to splinter and break into fragments but it's never intentionally done (at least as far as I can remember - hal doesnt really count as intentional, as he didnt think of it as "splitting himself" at the time). additionally, they are always made out of a desire for a companion.

hal is the obvious example here - dirk made him because he was lonely, accidentally trapping what is effectively a static version of himself for eternity. which. that's fycked up but yall know that. point is he wasnt created out of any self destructive tendencies but rather out of loneliness and desire for companionship. as solitary as dirk can be, he was still lonely.

BGD is an interesting one - considering that jake manifested him, you would think he'd have more of an original personality. he does, but only to a very small extent. BGD is like if you fantasized about your crush so much that the daydream version of your crush became sentient-ish and started trying to talk you through your shit. which. that's just kinda fascinating tbh. but more importantly, he was still created with that want for a companion, a friend.

nobody can be fully heartless. not really. arguably, dirk has more heart than anyone else - so much that it overflows and splits and fractures. when he feels something, he does so vindictively. then he tries to resolve it. when he got lonely, he did the only thing he could think of: if you dont have a friend, then make one.

anyway sorry for incoherently rambling in ur askbox at 1am 👍 I dont usually think abt dirk that much idk what's up w/me today

.

[cadaverousconsumer]

helloooo here are my beta kid headcanons! @icarusshomestuckfan do u remember that one convoersation we had about how i had no headcanons? well i do now!!!!

also im only doing the beta kids rn cause i dont wanna spoil anything for @giggleshitter0

ok chat starting with my main dude

Dave Strider hc!! dave is definitely, at the start at least, very thin but relatively lanky bc of general malnourishment from bro. however i like 2 think that he would become healthier throughout the comic and eventually become a healthy weight for his height. dave i think, if he went 2 school i think people would like him and think he was cool and wanna hang out buttt i think that he wowuld only have a couple good friends like the other beta kids buttt like his irl friends. i think dave definetly learned many domestic chores at a very young age. however i think bro would care about how dave looks, like his style and whatnot, but it would be strictly mandated by bro, with lil room for dave to express himself differently from bro. i think that dave is biracial bc i think roxy is black n dirk is pale asf in a white way.

kk now for our unoffical main character the nicest sigmaest guy john!

John Egbert hc: just clariying i think june egbert iis totally cool and probably canon buttt i personally never rly thought about it b4 getting into the fandom so i have no headcanons for her so here r my headcanons for john. john definitely is on the chubbier smaller side imo. his dad does bake a lot! i think john had a pretty good upbringing and was pretty happy with his bad movies and prank obssession. at school he probably had a couple nerdy friends and tehy were all very close! i dont think he would play dnd buttt if he did i bet thats where he would meet his friends, stranger things style. john is a classic nerd and people like him bc hes so nice and very considerate. john likes basketball n has fun playing it but isnt very good. i think john is half brazilian bc i think jake is brazilian but alpha kids are for another day haha. john has definetly broken his glasses a few times tripping over things. i think hes a bit clumbsy lol.

now onto our goth queennnn rose

Rose Lalonde hc: rose definitely had a rough childhood 2 but i think her mom took more care of her then bro did even if it was only 2 play the role of motherhood for her passive aggressive tendencies. she definitely stopped doing anything (other than vacuuming lol) once rose was old enough to do it herself. i think roses hair is bleached and straightened to oblivion and when she gets older shes defintely gonna wish she hadnt done it so much when she was younger. i think at school many people would have wanted to be her friend but she prefered more solitude, for wizard fanfics and eldritch god study. i think rose is shorter and curvier, (i def like the idea of her being shorter than kan) and a bit darker than dave. she started her intensive makeup routine in the hopes of attracting her mothers attention negatively, but with no luck. however she kept up with it because she found she liked the repetitivness of putting it on each morning, as well as the fact that it fit her overall aesthetic.

now for everyones fav doggie girl, jade!

Jade Harley hc: i love jade i think she is sooo cute. jade had an interesting childhood, being raised by a god level dog. i dont think it was necessarily bad just... very different from the other kids. i imagine she was left unattended a lot, but bec would always be aware of when to teleport in 2 save her. her hair is very long and has never really been cut officially due 2 living in the woods. jade is completely homeschooled and has nevre left the island. i think jade is rather petite and pretty thin overall... i imagine dogs probably arent the best at nutrition for humans haha. even tho jade doesnt know any kids her age in person i think she probably had many online friends and spent a lot of time online, playing games, watching videos, and just messing around. i think she learned bass from a youtube video. jade is also half brazilian cause jake

well those r my shitty headcanons

[dirk-rider]

TT: I just can’t believe you’ve never experienced the pleasures of fast food.

TT: Like, not figuratively. I literally cannot believe you have never once in your entire life sat down and shoved a big mac into that bucktoothed mouth of yours.

GT: Well a mans got to keep himself in tip top shape if he wants anything to do with the ladies!

TT: I eat fast food. You still fuckin’ drool over me like a goddamn dog.

GT: Pshhhh.

GT: No i dont!

TT: …

GT: And even if i did you yourself arent a LADY! Lovely as that would be : )

TT: Oh, I bet.

GT: If you really are so insistent though i haven’t had dinner yet…

TT: Well my shift’s almost over, so if you’re serious you better get here fast.

GT: Oh right on! You dont need to worry my good bro! Im getting in the car as we speak!

TT: Don’t text and drive man.

GT: Ive got my trusty skulltop!

GT: And anyway with that logic you shouldnt be texting on the job! Im sure you’ve got other things to tend to.

TT: Not really. That’s why I’m heading out early.

GT: Oh! I guess i should have put that together haha.

GT: How early exactly?

TT: Like right about now.

GT: Well golly Dirk you could wait for me at the very least : (

TT: You’re right, I could.

TT: But I could also go home and play video games.

GT: : (

GT: Half the reason i decided to come over anyway was to see my good bro!

TT: Well it’s too late, I’m already in the car.

GT: But that means ill be missing out on seeing the real you!

TT: How about I call you. Then we can talk usin’ our voices and shit. Maybe that’ll help up the realism factor.

GT: Well i GUESS that would be close enough…

TT: Sweet.

So that’s how Dirk Strider ended up on the phone with his good buddy pal Jake English while he ordered his first ever fast food meal.

“So you’re gonna want to try the chicken nuggets, first off, because our chicken nuggets are the absolute shit,” Dirk explained, pulling into his driveway. “And I’d also order the fuckin… uhhh…. the double stack burger, since you like lettuce, and that shit has a lotta lettuce. Oh, and get one of the large fountain drinks, too, I just cleaned the machine today so there shouldn’t be any fuckin’ maggots infesting that shit or whatever.”

“Eww, Dirk, that’s gross! I’m going to lose my appetite before I even get there at this rate!” Jake replied, and Dirk could practically hear him wrinkle his nose. He chuckled lightly.

“Don’t worry bro I’m joking,” he assured him. “Mostly.”

Jake sighed deeply. “Well, I’m next in line, so anything else that’d get you off?”

Dirk blushed a bit. Jake was joking, obviously, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t true. Dirk shut the car door and started walking inside as he replied, “If you REALLY wanna get me off, double that shit.”

“Heheh, alright bro, as you wish!” Jake replied, giggling a bit. Dirk smiled to himself at that. Obviously Jake wouldn’t be doing that, but it was still a thought he enjoyed. There was a silence for a moment as he reflected on this mental image, storing it away for later as he flopped down on his bed, when a voice interrupted his thoughts.

“Alright, Dirk, now how do I order? I ask the metal robot box for food, right?”

Dirk came back to himself, and then remembered how much of a self sheltered dumbass his crush was.

“Yeah, roll down your window and when they say some shit like, ‘hello, welcome to [fast food place], I’ll take your order whenever you’re ready!’, you gotta say what you want.” He put on an admittedly obnoxious high pitched tone as he imitated his coworkers - he wasn’t really a big fan of some of them.

“Alright! Then that I will do! One moment!”

And so Dirk sat back and listened while Jake ordered, nodding approvingly as he did so. Jake ordered a double decker bacon burger, a six piece of chicken nuggets with honey barbeque sauce (just weird enough to be a totally Jake English thing), and a coke. All totally good, some of the best stuff on the menu.

And then he said “Oh, and double that order! I’d like two of everything, if you would!”

And Dirk practically melted into his bed.

He stayed quiet as Jake exchanged money with the cashier (Dirk’s manager), Jake joking about how “it only got busy when I got here”, which was honestly probably true. People DID seem to gravitate towards Jake English.

Eventually, he got to pull forward. As he was handed the bags, he gave an honest thank you, before a sound of confusion came from the speakers in Dirk’s earbuds.

“What’s wrong, bro?” Dirk asked.

“Oh! Well, I guess now that I think about it, I should have figured this would happen, but ordering two of everything seemed to include two drinks as well..?”

“Well yeah man, unless you specify that you only want one drink, they’re gonna think ‘double everything’ includes that shit.”

Maybe he was coming off as rude, and maybe his speech was becoming sloppy, but he was currently more focused on taking down the small tent in his pants than he was on explaining the proper way to order food.

“Well yes, I guess so, but… golly, what should I do with the second one? I already can’t drink an entire bottle on it’s own normally, and I was planning on saving the one I ordered for later-“

“I dare you to chug it,” Dirk replied, only realizing he wasn’t just thinking that after the words escaped his mouth.

Luckily, Jake stayed oblivious as always as he replied, “we’ll see if I have enough room left later,” laughing a bit. God he didn’t know how much that turned Dirk on.

“Right. Well, sweet. You got your food, you got your drinks, now what? Should I hang up or something? I can hang up if you want me to.”

“Oh no no no, dickens no! Dirk, I rarely if ever get to call you, I want to hear more of your voice!” Jake replied quickly.

“Wow, so you are absolutely desperate to listen to my voice, aren’t you? Not drooling over me my ASS.”

Jake chuckled a bit. “It’s normal to want to talk to your best bro for at least a little bit each day! And besides, I don’t know if there’s some proper form or whatnot to eating this food. Need I remind you, there’s a first time for everything!”

“Yeah, there is. But what really could be so different about fast food? You just kind of… eat it.”

“Well, maybe there is some proper order or such I need to follow. I don’t know, man!”

“Nah, it’s pretty simple. Take a bit of the burger, then wash it down with that coca cola shit, then follow it by dunkin’ your nugs in that soda like it’s some kinda sauce, really get it all sopping wet so you can eat it all good and soggy.”

A moment of silence followed, before Jake said, “no offense my good pal, but that shit sounds absolutely foul.”

Dirk chuckled a bit. “Nah, nah man, you have to try it. That’s the only true way to eat chicken nuggets. Everyone knows that.”

“Well, thank you for your advice, but I am afraid I won’t be doing that,” Jake replied, laughing along with him.

The two boys proceeded to make dumb suggestions and jokes the rest of the way to Jake’s home, until eventually Jake exclaimed, “Home at last!”

“Cool. Can’t wait for you to go inside and start shoving that shit in your mouth. Make sure to put on a show for me, alright?”

“Heheh, right-o!”

Dirk heard a door shut, then heard Jake yell, “Anybody home? No? Alrighty then!” and then heard another door shut.

“Jade’s not there tonight?” Dirk asked.

“It doesn’t appear so! Probably out gardening or volunteering or something.”

“Huh. Well that’s cool,” Dirk said, trying to tone down his excitement. “Maybe you can like, I dunno. Let loose now or some shit.”

Man was he good at hiding what he was thinking.

“Sure can! I can do almost anything I want tonight, and you’re going to bear prime witness to it all!”

Dirk smiled. “No, I’m not WITNESSING shit, man. I can only hear you, remember?”

“Well sure, that is true, but that’s all a matter of semantics. Who knows, we really should hang out soon anyways!”

“With or without food?” Dirk asked, rolling over in his bed.

“It depends on if this is really all you cracked it up to be! And there is really only one way to find out!”

Dirk could hear the familiar crinkle of fast food bags being opened and unwrapped, then the sound of chewing, then the sound of a hearty swallow, and then,

“ZOUNDS, Dirk! You were absolutely, positively right about this! Dear lord, this is amazing!”

Dirk could only imagine the face Jake was making. It sounded like he was making that face he made when he was super excited about something, the one where his eyes shot wide open, sparkled, but still somehow crinkled at the edges with his smile. Dirk buried his face into a pillow to muffle the sounds threatening to escape him.

Luckily, without needing any further comment from him, Jake continued eating, and the way his mic was set up was right against his throat, so Dirk got to hear every little noise that came from him. And god damn if they weren’t good sounds.

Jake surely wasn’t aware of this, and he’d most definitely move it if Dirk said something, so instead Dirk chose to maintain a comfortable silence on his end as he listened to Jake English absolutely devour a burger. Usually the sounds of eating made him slightly uncomfortable, but picturing JAKE making those noises? That was another story entirely. And those moans of satisfaction? Pure aphrodisiac. After only a few moments though Jake had already finished.

“Mm, gah, I need something to drink!” Jake exclaimed. “That was good, but absolutely parching, heh!”

“You got soda, don’t you?”

“Well yes,” Jake said, “that is true! I’ll go grab it!”

“From where man?” Dirk asked, admittedly somewhat disappointed that the display was already on pause.

“Oh, I set it down on my bedside table,” Jake explained, his voice surrounded by the sounds of a microphone that’s set a little bit too sensitive. “My hands were full.”

“Ah.” So Dirk waited in anticipation till he heard Jake plop back down in his spinny desk chair.

“Alright, here goes! Cheers!” Jake exclaimed. When Dirk didn’t reply, though, he repeated himself, albeit a bit less enthusiastically. “Um, cheers, bro? You have to say it back,” he chuckled.

“Nobody says weird shit like that but you.”

“Well then, I’ll instead say: bottoms up!”

“You do you.” Dirk then quickly tensed again as he heard the almost annoyingly close sound of a bubbling liquid making it’s way down Jake’s throat, and man was he swallowing fast. Eventually though the noises slowed, and Dirk heard a short breath out, followed by a short gurgly burp that seemed to surprise Jake just as much as it did Dirk.

“Hah, excuse me, Dirk! Wasn’t - wasn’t expecting THAT, heh,” Jake said, his voice rising a bit.

“No, it’s cool, man. I really don’t care.” And what a lie that was.

“Al-right, if you say so, bro,” Jake chuckled. “What next, though..?”

“You should try the chicken nuggets. That shit is fuckin’ bomb,” Dirk told him.

“Well then, guess I will! If they’re anything like those patty sandwiches, I’m sure they’re positively delightful!”

“Yeah. Whatever the fuck a patty sandwich is.”

Jake either didn’t hear or didn’t care to respond to that, instead digging around his bag for the small packets of honey barbeque sauce. When he found it, he made a sort of triumphant sound. And as he began eating these, Dirk’s thoughts were only getting hotter and hotter.

Every sound of delight, every smacking of the lips, every pause for a drink just left Dirk hungrier and hungrier, but he had to keep his cool. Even if the mental image of your best bro/biggest crush eating fast food was the exact opposite of “cool”. Jacking off while on the phone certainly wasn’t cool either, and so instead he just clenched his jaw and squeezed his poor pillow harder. Jake would occasionally make comments of course, unable to bask in his own sound as Dirk was, but Dirk would simply give his usual noncommittal reply of “yeah” or “huh”. It was easier that way for him really.

After what felt like quite a bit too short, though, Jake finally gave a somewhat disheartening “aw”, and now Dirk was the one sparking conversation.

“What’s wrong, man?”

“Oh, nothing really! Just finished the box quite a bit quickly, aha!”

“Oh yeah.”

“…”

“Well, you still got a whole other bag of this stuff, too, y’know,” Dirk pointed out. “Not like you’re out of food for a while.”

“Oh I guess that is true..! Here, let me grab the other-“

But it was now or never, and Dirk knew his hormonal high wouldn’t be lasting too much longer if he didn’t do something about it, so he did.

“Hold on a second, you promised me a show, remember? We’re not gonna look back and laugh at your first time eating fast food otherwise. We need some excitement and shit to really add stakes.”

“What do you mean? What would you want me to do to… make a show of things?”

“Uhh.” Dirk paused a moment, hoping it’d make it seem like a spur of the moment recollection and not a nightly fantasy. “Remember when you said you’d chug that soda? Do that shit I dunno.”

Jake went quiet a moment, seemingly thinking, before eventually replying, “Well I can’t seem to think of a reason not to!”

“Hell yeah. Chug chug motherfucker!”

“Heheh, alright!” Jake replied, unscrewing the cap of the second one. And Dirk most definitely noticed that this was a new bottle, the slight click of the seal being broken telling him just that. And he also most definitely was not upset by this. He heard a sharp fizzing noise, then a somewhat shaky breath on the other end, and then the sound of Jake English gulping down a bottle of soda.

Dirk wanted to say something, ANYTHING to distract from how absolutely amazing an experience this was for him, but he just couldn’t bring himself to speak. The sound of swallowing liquid was just so mesmerizing to him, he couldn’t turn his attention to anything else.

Soon though, Jake’s lips parted from the bottle, and as they did so a low, breathy belch came out of him. This time, though, he did not excuse himself, rather just exclaimed, “Hn - gosh, Dirk, all that and it’s still not done!”

Dirk inhaled sharply.

“W-well then, keep going man,” he replied, his own voice shaking with a hideous combination of arousal and nerves. “I’ve chugged lots of drinks, I’m sure you can too, heh.”

“Well of course I CAN, Dirk,” Jake said, making it sound like the concept was obvious, “but it’s a matter of how FAST I can. You yourself never even have any - ahem - eructations, which is honestly something I envy! Especially seeing how quickly you can down a whole bottle-“

“Yeah but this isn’t about me, man. I can do that any old time. I dared YOU to, remember? So uh- hurry up, man!“

Dirk was becoming antsy, the bulge in his pants becoming hotter, more painful by the moment. He knew he had to go soon, he had to do something about THIS. But he couldn’t bring himself to leave just yet, he had to experience just a bit more.

“Well, alrighty then! I can’t leave a good dare hanging!” And so he continued gulping down the drink, this time each swallow seeming much more forceful, more liquid going into his throat than was going all the way down. And, as the bottle began crinkling, a sign it was finally empty, Jake threw it down on the table triumphantly.

“Ya-hoo! I did it, Dirk! Did you hear that? Drank an entire bottle on my own-!” a gurgling noise made itself known in Jake’s throat. “Oh, one moment.”

Dirk heard a thumping sound, like Jake was banging on his chest, and he could just imagine so perfectly Jake holding one finger up as he did so, in an “i’ll get back to you” sort of way. And then the gurgling noise got higher and higher, and then the noises ceased for one split second of silence-

And an explosive belch came from the speakers in Dirk’s earbuds.

The mic clipped as the eructation was happening, and Dirk’s heart was going faster than it ever had. He had to bite his cheek hard to keep himself from moaning, tensing his body with all of his might. And when it was over, Jake’s chair creaked as he leaned back and sighed.

“Oh, MAN, Dirk, that felt - that felt good,” he said.

Dirk had to agree.

Rather than saying that, though, he instead ended up stuttering out, “I- uh, I have to mute myself real quick, you can - keep doin’ your thing, though. Uh, yeah.” He then quickly muted himself and began unzipping his jeans.

“Oh, alright Dirk! Will you be back soon?” Jake asked, sounding almost disappointed.

Dirk grimaced as he reached back up to unmute himself. “Unh, yeah. Yeah, man.”

“Oh, good! I’ll be waiting!”

Dirk nodded as though Jake could see him and muted himself again before struggling to pull his pants off and throw them to the floor. Finally clad in just his boxers and tee though, he reached under his waistband and inhaled sharply, involuntarily gripping his dick as he heard Jake unwrapping the other burger.

Shit, he’d forgotten about that.

When Jake continued eating, now that he seemed to think Dirk was gone, he ate much less tactfully. He moaned a bit more at the new flavors, took longer drinks, allowed himself to let out short burps between bites…

It was better than any shitty prno Dirk had ever watched, and he couldn’t even see this guy. He could only imagine though, the look of ecstasy on his face as he took large bites, tearing his meal to shreds. It gave Dirk more than enough push as he got himself off, the sounds of Jake’s ecstasy mixing with Dirk’s pleasure to create a beautiful, horrible noise.

After only a few short moments (though they seemed very long to Dirk) he had his own cum smeared across the head of his boxers, and he was left gasping for air, body limp as Jake simply continued on, completely oblivious to what his friend was doing on the other line.

As Dirk’s mind was fogged over, he began feeling disgusted with himself for the way he had acted, and he wanted to get mad, punch himself square in the face. But he also felt a deep sense of relief and ecstasy, the kind one can only get from having his fantasies played out in front of him.

Finally, Jake leaned back and let out a belch that he muffled with his fist. Dirk could her the sound of him slapping something like a beach ball, but he knew from experience that it was actually the sound of an overstuffed stomach, and it almost made him want a round two. He sighed and shook his head, though. That could wait for later, at least until he was off the line.

So he reached back up and unmuted himself, and the short “bing!” sound alerted Jake to his presence.

“Oh, Dirk! You’re back! Is everything alright?”

Dirk breathed deeply before answering.

“Yeah, Dave needed some help. With uh, his computer. Dude can’t understand computers for shit, always needs help with some update or whatever. And I didn’t want to - embarrass him, so I muted so you couldn’t hear his cries of fuckin’ agony as he realized all he had to do was turn the thing off and on again. Heh.”

Dirk grinned at how well he was able to bullshit that response.

“Oh, alright! That would make a lot more sense than what I was- no, never mind that. Um, I ended up finishing everything without you, sorry! I know you missed the ‘show’ and whatnot, I just couldn’t help myself!”

Dirk’s heart jumped a bit at that.

“Nah, it’s alright. Totally cool. I’m glad you enjoyed it,” he said simply. Such an understatement.

“Yes, I absolutely did enjoy it! Y’know, I really should have come on over as soon as you started working there. I missed out on some premium meals!”

“Yeah you did. But there’s always a spot in the to-go line for you. Or, hell, even in the regular line. I’d get to see more of you that way,” he smiled. Was he flirting? He honestly didn’t know.

“Oh, yes, I’d love that! I quite enjoy seeing your face, too, you know!” Jake smiled back at him. And he was definitely flirting. “In fact, before you go, could you please turn on your camera? I never did get to see you.”

Dirk blushed a bit, though it was hardly noticeable against his post-cum flush.

“Only if you do too, man,” he said, if only to buy himself time as he got up to walk half naked to his bathroom to grab a washcloth. Or a towel, if you’re a one of those fans.

“Ah, fine, if you insist,” he heard Jake chuckle as Dirk was wetting the rag. “Let me open the call on my husktop quickly… let’s see here…”

In the amount of time it took for Jake to boot up his computer and connect the call to it, Dirk had cooled himself down enough to look presentable. He quickly walked back to his bedroom and put his glasses back on before he turned on his phone camera, angling it upwards a bit to a) make himself look cooler and b) hide the fact that he wasn’t wearing pants.

“Oh, Dirk! Looking gorgeous as ever, I see!” Jake said when he finally noticed.

“Yeah man, looking and feeling like fifty bucks.” He couldn’t hide the small grin on his face.

“Well here, one moment… and- there we go! Camera is on- oh!”

Jake must’ve only then realized how much his stomach was pushing out.

It was quite a sight, really, his face and shirt coated in crumbs and grease as his shirt rode up on his stomach, unable to hide the massive excess he had indulged in.

Dirk’s eyebrows raised and he quickly took a screenshot before Jake could fix this.

“You’re looking good too, man,” Dirk said, hoping it came off as another joke, thoigh he couldn’t hide how impressed he was. “Reeaall good.”

Jake pushed his computer screen up so the camera wasn’t on his stomach anymore, only really capturing his upper chest, face and ceiling now. He then made an attempt to pull his shirt back over his stomach.

“Oh stop, haha,” he said, blushing a bit. “Sorry you had to see that!”

“No no, it’s cool,” Dirk smiled. “I do gotta get goin’ though, much as I love staring at you,” he chuckled.

“Aw alright, so soon? I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then?” Jake asked, looking hopeful.

“Yeah man. I’m not missing school if you’re there.”

Jake grinned. “Sweet! Fistbump for good luck!”

Dirk chuckled and raised a fist to the screen and the two fistbumped, Jake then pulling back and imitating an explosion.

“See ya, man,” Dirk smiled.

“Goodbyeee!!” Jake replied, and the screen went dark as he hung up.

Dirk quickly swiped up to his photo gallery, pulling up the screenshot he had just taken.

Now he had jack-off material for at least two months.

[diamond-sword]

God forgive me I'm assigning Homestuck classpects to all the characters from comeblockhome

[tomatograter]

Tips for writing Dirk and Jake?

They're both simpler and goofier than they seem. Dirk and Jake are heavily emotionally oriented, but at the same time their emotions are downplayed by everybody (including themselves!) for the sake of keeping up a "respectable front." They're not very good at it tho. If you keep this logic in mind you'll prolly be okay giving them words to say.

Specially when put together, their quirks play off one another. Dirk is all modern and hyper specific lingo, internet poison, and a tryhard 'street' impression pulled from the internet and god knows what 00's tv serial he cobbled up together all by himself to sound # hashtag # cool.

While Jake speaks like a golden age actor playing a character, on a stage, with a transatlantic accent (this means a mix of american and british lingo that did not truly belong to either culture - it is, from conception to limited use then eventual death, a language made for Prestige Movies and to embellish the telling of Stories.)

Their characters are paired up like this because they naturally contrast with one another. The man from the future / The man of the past, neither of them fully being what they seem.

One thing a lot of people slip up on is the Language thing. Dirk sounds like a guy who's sprinkling hard words into his dialogue to seem smarter, knowledgeable, academic. Whereas Jake has an expansive and peculiar vocabulary (think like Rose's, here), but he doesn't care about 'sounding intelligent' so much as he cares about being LIKED or being charming, so with him it's about pomp and flair. You could say Dirk pretends to be limitlessly reliable while Jake pretends to be "A Himbo", but they know there's a limit to the act.

With both of them carefully crafting a persona they want to project outwards and be remembered by, they tend to adjust to the environment. If there's not a public to perform to, it's gone. Dirk is less playful and more technical-incisive if he's talking to AR and Jake really tones himself down at the end of Act 6 when he's just exhausted of being read wrong.

Them being friends for so long also influences how they speak to one another in contrast of everyone else; in dirk-jake conversations, both of them use a lot of bro-speak deliberately and almost excessively. It's a lot of Bro's & Dude's & Man's that serve to denote bestfriendliness or reassure that they're in the same brainwave.

Also, they cuss a lot, indiscriminately, and to great comedic effect. I see a lot of people being afraid if making Jake Say A Bad Word but this is nothing new to him. He often abruptly cuts off his charming old-timey thing to just sound like a normal regular dude who's gotten frustrated and it's that whiplash that makes the character. Jake can be pretty & abruptly mean if he wants.

Dirk keeps more of a leveled writing voice and syntax, even when he's arguing with himself, favoring readability over tone. He wants to communicate something with his long-ass texts, even if his explanations are too convoluted. When Dirk goes off the rails we're talking about metaphor- Like Dave, he enters a trail of thought and keeps adding to it sometimes, needlessly, as if he doesn't know just when to end a joke. (The "Bounce a coin off that ass" monologue, ex)

While Jake uses asterisks to *narrate his own actions* or EMPHASIZES important parts of his run-on sentences to show importance/tone/frustration BY MAKING THEM BIG. He uses periods to separate sentences more often than commas. When he does use punctuaction he can also exaggerate!!!! Not always, but often enough. If you see it happening too much edit it a little. (Jake also occasionally uses an emoji here and there though its very sparse so its more like a callback to how Jade does it. He learned from her, after all.)

Rereading their pesterlogs w/ each other and then with different partners (like dirk with jane, jake with calliope, how each of them talks to caliborn, etc etc) can help you pick on other useful cues and subtleties. They're generally more amenable and friendly to the girls. Also, dont skip the jake/hal conversations. They're crucial for characterization.

If comparing/contrasting is up to your speed, here are characters whose quirks sound similar to, compound to, or can help you write:

Dirk- Rose, Dave

Jake- Vriska, Jade

TL;DR: "intent" matters a lot to the things Dirk and Jake say, even when the text is riffing off it. Its more useful to think on /why/ they're saying this rather than "does this sound like enough lingo/oldtimey speak", because focusing too much on the latter is gonna make you end up writing nonsense.

(*All screenshots used in this post are from actual pesterlogs in Homestuck)

[d00m3dh31r]

jade memory post bc why not

canon... adjacent? like, post retcon timeline, we made the new universe etc etc, but i remember things on earth c being different than whats shown (disclaimer: ive not read the epilogues nor homestuck 2 and i never intend to <3 ive seen at least some of what happens in those and im not interested <3)

when i ascended to godtier i got a tail in addition to the dog ears

i lived with karkat and dave. theyd been dating since some point on the meteor but after like a year or so of living together i came home and overheard them talking (bc karkat is not good at being quiet and i had sensitive doggy hearing) about an apparent mutual crush they both had on me (that i definitely reciprocated) and. all three of us ended up dating!

i dont remember the different kingdoms being like.. a huge *thing.* like there were places where humans were more prevalent, or trolls, or carapicians, etc etc but like. there was a good mix of different species everywhere

hal was on earth c! i think he made a backup of himself at some point before he got prototyped into arquiusprite? regardless, he wound up in my... custody? i guess? he either moved out of the shades altogether into one of my computers or dirk just. gave the hal-specific shades to me. they didnt talk to each other for a while and i think time away was good for the both of them.

hal and i became very close! karkat said we gave off "a lot of pale vibes" and we should just officially call ourselves moirails

i dont remember what prompted this joke but at one point i made a joke about "haltsune miku" and hal loved it and decided that was his full name now. and then he said since i was the one who came up with it i was his mom now. we never dropped this joke. i would always refer to him as my wonderful son and he would call me his mom (either of my boyfriends: *flirted w me bc we were DATING* | hal: can you please not hit on my mom it makes me uncomfortable.)

i eventually managed to convince dirk that we should make hal an actual body bc it wasnt fair that he was always stuck as something inanimate. so he jake and i worked really hard and made hal a cool robot body. hal continued to live with me dave and karkat

his robot body p much looked like how people often depict a.. humanized?? androidized?? hal. but he was shorter than me which was not true of either other strider

john/june came out as genderfluid! she'd use either john or june as a name depending on what suited her at the time.

[dahniwitchoflight]

Homesquared Chapter 14 part b

Alright time for more reactions to Homesqaured- oh jeezus

the last one of these I did was from october last year, hoo boy alright brain time to get back on the time train things are happening fast

we last left off with me thinking they just fucking hilled Harry but I remembered the wrong house so Harrys fine, John not so much

Yeah, John sad but ooh Karkat shows up!

They seem to have a mutual conversation about lost youth and stuff, really makes these characters feel oold

“JOHN: jeez, i'm sorry karkat.

JOHN: i had no idea how much time had passed.

JOHN: i must have gotten a bit distracted by my house being blown up.“

Oh man, John thats a whole ass MOOD

lol at sburb allocated blow job

yeah Karkats right tho, John does kind of need a kick in the pants to see how he might have been useful here, but Johns still stuck in this rut of not seeing anything around him as Real real, so hes blind to all of the consequences of inaction

John its called derealization and depersonalization, you can get help for that yknow

But I mean, cant really blame him, hes being smothered by the fires of Doom all around him

Its interesting to see that Karkat, a Blood player, is more comfortable navigating through things that constrain them and tie them down, since constraint is something Blood and Doom have in common, Chains and Barriers and Laws and etc

Whereas John the Breath player, just gets bogged down, hes totally out of his element

so it ends up being like John: “Id like to cling to some funny moments of my youth pls and try to lighten the situation up a bit because I cant do anything when so heavy”

versus Karkat being like: “BUCKLE UP FUCK TITS THIS SHIT IS YOUR LIFE NOW GETS USED TO WADING KNEE DEEP IN THE SHIT LIKE THE REST OF US GROWN ASS ADULTS”

John: ):

Hmm, both Vriskas have been captured, but Annie basically rescued herself, knowing Vriska Prime she probably has a plan or an idea about that, see well see how that goes

“KARKAT: JANE'S PLAN FOR THIS CONFLICT HAS THUS FAR CONSISTED ALMOST ENTIRELY OF KIDNAPPING VARIOUS HIGH PROFILE CHILDREN.

KARKAT: IT'S BIZARRE.

KARKAT: AS THOUGH WE ARE FIGHTING A WAR OF ATTRITION, WHERE THE MAIN RESOURCE BEING UTILIZED IS THE OFFSPRING OF THE MOST POWERFUL PEOPLE ON THE PLANET.KARKAT: IF IT WASN'T ONE OF THE CORE TENETS OF HER FASCISTIC PHILOSOPHY, I'D BE TEMPTED TO SAY THAT CURBING REPRODUCTION MIGHT HAVE BEEN A GOOD IDEA, IF ONLY TO PREVENT THIS KIND OF FUCKSHIT NONSENSE FROM HAPPENING.

Oh. Well I guess that was Dirk’s “plans” for Jane all along. Obviously he was using Jane as a vehicle to gather “players” for his eventually next session, interesting

But who has Jane kidnapped in total thus far?

Does Tavros count? he was certainly trapped with her for some amount of his life, but I dont know if that counts as a kidnapping, John certainly tried to kidnap HIM though from the epilogues

Annie certainly counts as being kidnapped

Vrissy has JUST been captured so that counts, and Harry so far is still fine

Which bodes so well for Harry’s future Im sure

Yeah, Vriska should have been able to not outwit any capture attempts, but my guess is either Vrissy got capture and Vriska dove in, OR, Vriska’s doing an inside job so to speak and got caught on purpose, dragging Vrissy along as well

I guess we’ll see when we see their “prison”

Anyway John, don’t get so down on yourself, you’re just ignorant to everythiong around you! thats why nothing makes sense and you can’t connect to anything, easy fix! Just try to learn more and care more about stuff lol

Man does this feel like a strong metaphor between people who are into/care about politics and people who feel like they can’t get into it though

Crossing that hurdle from one side to the other is rough

“KARKAT: BUT NOTICING THE PROBLEM AND MAKING MEANINGFUL PROGRESS TOWARDS SOLVING IT ARE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THINGS.”

yup

man, this is all feeling startlingly relevant to the current times, I should have read this sooner

“ KARKAT: PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME YOU JUST HAD ANOTHER EMOTION THAT WE NEED TO DROP EVERYTHING IN ORDER TO DISSECT. “

hah, oh wow, Karkat when you phrase it like that, it’s almost as if you’ve become self aware of your tendencies to Moirail people out of their problems

Not really that out of character for a Blood player to end up being the Therapy Friend though lol

Just don’t burn yourself out on that though

JOHN: karkat, we still haven't spoken about *you*!

KARKAT: ABOUT ME?

JOHN: yes.

KARKAT: ABOUT *ME*?

JOHN: about you.

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK ABOUT ME.

JOHN: well...

JOHN: you know, how you feel!

KARKAT: HOW I FEEL.

I know Karkat has probably matured past misunderstandings like this now given he’s really come into a great understanding of his Blood aspect, but by golly do I wish Karkat would misunderstand this as John’s attempts to be Moirail-reciprocal sdkjfhwlijebr

What a perfect way to continue their relationship, on top of more misconstrued romance quadrants XD

Spades is old Hat, Diamonds are in now babey

Oh

this started out funny, but Karkat’s emotional rant just ended up being depressing not funny ):

I have to say though, it is REALLY interesting to see John’s depression manifesting in a very breathy sort of way

Karkat in these panels was more closer together, connected, but as John gets more and more depressed over the course of Karkat’s rant when he realizes Karkat doesn’t know dave died, the panels get seperated by lines of blue, and slowly drift off away from John and from eachother

but thats basically been hows its been manifesting all along

the more John feels Disconnected and Seperate from the reality he finds himself in, the more he finds his will untethered, the more depressed and unable to act he gets

and right now its so much so that even a fuller fledged Blood player is having trouble grounding him back down

I don’t know, I always viewed the depression metaphor as a dark watery void to sink into and feels heavy and encapsulating (but probably thats just my Light-y interpretation of it)

so its interesting to see the depression metaphor as this floating disconnection instead, so much that it leans towards derelaization/depersonalistion/dissociation as well

I wonder if John will start dealing with bouts of actual full blown dissociation as this gets worse?

I mean, Breath aspect has given the literal ability to ghost around wherever he pleases in all other ways, why not literally and physcologically as well?

So John seems to be fully overembracing his aspect here, to a very unhealthy degree here, which I see you asking “aha Dahni, but hes doesn’t have overblown self esteem here, quite the opposite, is this not an inverted state instead? or something else because hes acting like hes inverting to Breath?”

and I say not so! reader, for overembracing is the idea that through your aspect, your will is overwriting the wills of others, and in someone like Vriska, this manifests in a very selfish and over self esteemed way

but is not John’s will overwriting Karkat’s here? Through Breath? And isnt John also being a little selfish here? Considering how he feels about things, more important than how anyone else feels? How Karkat feels?

John is too dissociated to understand that this reality is Real and has Consequences he needs to care about, and Karkat is trying to fight against that, trying to instill his belief that no, this shit is real and it Matters Why Don’t You Care, trying to ground him, trying to give him that dose of Blood he needs

but John’s overembracing Breath is just, blowing that all away, its becoming too strong

Roxy in the epilogues dealt with this as well, when John was really in the shits with it and started to believe Roxy’s whole personality was somehow fake and his own construction, because he convinced himself Roxy would never choose to do the things she did, but Roxy was able to snap him out of it and make him understand and respect it was her own choices that led down his path, not the idea that John’s choices are somehow overriding everyones

But man, John sure is riding that Breath train way too hard, and he keeps snapping back into it as well

Further and Further

[bladekindeyewear]

HS^2 bloggin’ mainline 2020-12-25

I’m not going to spend time BLOGGING an upd8 on Christmas morning!

...yes I am who the fuck am I kidding.  (Bonus stuff and Hiveswap are still well on hold though.)

So are we gonna follow up on the main ship?  Probably not, right, with that perfect Karkat point to cut away, right?  We’re just going to leave Roxy’s question hanging, as well as makeouts etiquette, and leave while having seen a COUPLE FRAMES of non-possessed canon Jade with only whatever fun fanart was inspired across the internet by the moment to tide us over????

Yeah, probably.

Ugh, more Dirk.  I guess it’s overdue.  :(

> CHAPTER 16. Welcome to my Secret Lair

Oh huh, I guess not?  So... Jane’s, or Rose and Kanaya’s?

Karkat stays for longer than John thought he would. They talk a bit, but mostly they are quiet. Eventually, Karkat gets called away on yet more important war business, leaving John with one final touch on the shoulder. John leans into it in response, though he’s a bit ashamed of chasing down a sliver of physical affection so soon after obliterating Karkat’s evening like he had.

Pretty much, yeah.  Can’t blame either of them.

When Karkat is finally gone, John still doesn’t move. It isn’t as though he has nowhere else to go, since there are quite a few places he might attempt to make himself useful, for better or for worse.

You’re still abandoning the task that was explicitly yours to protect your literal kid and his friends, but, oh well.  Low-point.  Dave dead, house dead, broke news, I get it.

He just doesn’t feel ready for that yet. The remnants of his house are still smoldering, and he can’t stop staring at them. It would make sense, he thinks, to want to root around through the rubble for anything that’s still intact; some half-charred keepsake to claim as the last thing left that’s still his. But he doesn’t want to do it, and he doesn’t want to think about it. And he still can’t move.

Can’t move.  No Breath huh?  What’s going to get him to, then?

> (==>)

Oh boy, that might help.  XD  She’s pretty good at that.

> (==>)

Still with the waistline gap.  And was his phone always yellow like his God-Tier shoes?

ROXY: hey john can u do me a quick solid ROXY: actly idk how quick itll be but its definitely solid ROXY: harry anderson says i just missed u being here but could u skip back on over?

Nice, huh!  No judgment, just a hey-any-chance-you-could-swing-back.  He sort of needs to be needed right now, in a simple, almost everyday non-judgmental way I guess.  (That’s what he NEEDED anyway-- whether he deserved it though is up for debate.)

ROXY: i need help w/smth and yr darling boy is holed up in his room working on some fuckin craft project or other and cant be bothered

YES SEW JOHN A BETTER FITTING FUCKING OUTFIT

ROXY: and now that me and u are freshly on speakin terms again i might as well take advantage of that olive branch and put u to work ROXY: assumin you havent died in an air raid, that is ROXY: which id also be interested in knowin about so if u wld be so kind as to reply instead of leavin me hangin

Heheheh.  Gosh Roxy is always the best.

JOHN: yea yea sorry im here. JOHN: i just had a hard time getting my phone out of these fucking tiny pants.

Hah.

JOHN: and also my house is bombed out so i'm kinda grappling with that. JOHN: but i honestly am not sure how much longer i need to sit around staring at it. trying to align my memories of my youth with whatever is happening right now so JOHN: short version is no i’m not dead, and yeah i can come back over there and help you out. ROXY: oh sweet yr alive and down to do manual labor its a win/win JOHN: see you soon.

Yep!  Pulled away from all the metaphorical, ultra-meaningful bullshit, back to some brass tacks with some easy humor.  Definitely something Roxy can do well.~

> (==>)

EXCUSE ME.  What is that outfit and pose.  Did you--

ROXY: sup ROXY: follow me ROXY: well were just going to my room so i guess technically u know the way JOHN: haha ok.

Did you invite him over for the manual labor of banging you while your son is sewing in the other room

Or maybe the labor is making him a new sibling.  JFC

Is this plan part of why we got the sudden content warning that was mocked or was that mainly for Hiveswap 

John follows, trying to shake the ominous feeling he got from what she’d just said. He’d been in and out of this house a lot in the past few days. Why should this be any different?

I DUNNO JOHN DOES THIS SEEM DIFFERENT TO YOU

> (==>)

Yea this seems like a fucc room.

JOHN: it’s not like i could forget! ROXY: ya i guess u only really saw the living room when you were here the other day but i have changed some stuff up ROXY: done a lil redecoratin here n there

So it’s MORE of a fucc room than previously >__>”

ROXY: may have to do a smidge more if my old bff decides im next on the list for bombing out ROXY: but so far so good

Ah geez.

ROXY: just a coupla exploded cars in the yard from some shenanigans our dear son and his friends were in but u kno it is what it is!!!

Well, that’ll buff out easy.

ROXY: can i get u anything? ROXY: just made some coffee JOHN: no, uh, i’m good.

Of course she has a fancy handled winecoffeeglass  (and the handle does look ridiculous but it’d be too hot to hold otherwise)

Roxy shrugs and swirls her own coffee around in her novelty mug. John looks around. A lot about the room is the same. The family photos, the rug. There’s a lot more cat stuff in there now, though. The bed is new. John feels like he’s about to take a test he hasn’t studied for. He makes himself focus on what she’s saying.

That would be the feeling.

> (==>)

MY GOD.  Roxy is so fucking good at this holy shit

She KNOWS she’s making him squirm and she loves it

JOHN: so uh anyway. JOHN: what was this favor? ROXY: yo why dont u just come rest yr tush for a bit ROXY: take a lil relax next 2 me here JOHN: haha uh. JOHN: roxy i uh. JOHN: im flattered, but i don’t know if that’s really the right step right now. JOHN: don’t get me wrong, everything seems so fucked up right now that when i try to think about what might actually BE the right step, it feels like a huge cartoon question mark might physically manifest over my head. JOHN: but I’m not sure if um rekindling our physical relationship is really the best--

So is Roxy trolling him, about to reveal she wasn’t thinking of sex and was just making things seem sultry?  Or just had “lol jk” as an option-select, maybe.

> (==>)

ROXY: r u kiddin me rn egbert JOHN: i’m not? unless you were, in which case yeah lets say i was also kidding. JOHN: oh my god, i’m sorry, i don’t know why this making me freak out.

OH NOOO NOT THE DISDAAAAIN - CRITICAL HIT D:

ROXY: i remember our past boot knockin with fondness but that is a situation im not interested in revisiting

boot knockin XD

ROXY: look john ROXY: i was trying to be polite about it ROXY: offering u sustenance n rest n all ROXY: but you look like shit ROXY: i just wanted to catch up on the whole heinous war situation were in and maybe check in on e/o before leaping strait to the real n actual nonsexual manual labor favor i have in mind for u JOHN: oh.

Hey, she can’t help looking sexy she’s too good at it.

Is the manual labor moving the crashed cars?  Can’t Roxy pull that off on her own, or... banish the cars to the void or something?  (Oh, but WOULD she want to do it on her own when she can rope in John and bring him down to earth by giving him a useful task?  And admittedly his strength and wallet would make things easier.)

John feels his shoulders unbunch. Of course. Yeah. He’s almost embarrassed by how relieved he feels. So what if his ex wife wanted to hook up? Shouldn’t that be a situation he could navigate? Don’t people like to find solace in human physical connection during dire times? Why did the idea of it make his mind white out in panic more than, say, any number of the traumas he just experienced?

Probably some gender stuff mixed up in there too, June.

He doesn’t know, but he believes Roxy that he must look pretty haggard. He probably feels haggard? Maybe sitting down will feel better.

Just put your feet up yeah

> (==>)

WHAT A CUTE IMAGE

JOHN: sorry. like i said, my "how to react to stuff" meter is completely fucked right now. ROXY: thats fair bud

she’s used to being patient with you don’t worry otherwise you never would’ve gotten this far

ROXY: real fast i do need to do a quick takeback of all that shit i said last time we talked about janey not being literally the most evil person we knew or whatever ROXY: i guess i was hopped up on arguin or somethin since that was before we hit our conversational vibe bc of course u were right and i shoulda listened

Ouch.  Yeah, we saw just lately just how far off the deep end she was.  (Where was that funny upd8 reaction art summarizing the bit where Kanaya was holding Tavros hostage and Jane was transparently debating “hmm do I let my son die?” and Kanaya and Tavros were just looking at each-other flat-mouthed nervous?  I REALLY wanted to share that but I don’t usually want to reblog or put most stuff HS^2 not under a read-more, for spoiler purposes, usually.)

ROXY: im just glad ur ok ROXY: or like alive JOHN: yeah, jury's still out on "ok" but, you know. ROXY: ya ROXY: u said ur house is gone?? JOHN: yep. JOHN: completely. ROXY: jeez ROXY: i would ask how ur feelin but like the answer 2 that has got 2b "prtty bad"

Talk it ouuuut~~  get those feels out there and articulated john

JOHN: yeah. JOHN: i mean. JOHN: no? JOHN: it’s weird. JOHN: it feels like it should be a bigger deal, I guess? JOHN: like it’s my HOUSE. JOHN: but mostly it always felt like my dad’s house? JOHN: and when i started living there after i moved out of here, it was like i crammed myself back into whatever was left of my kid self? JOHN: and it didn’t feel good, but it at least was familiar, you know? JOHN: like living there let me feel closer to my dad, trying to be like the way i remember him, or like how i remember him wanting me to be, or something? JOHN: and i didn’t realize how much i hated doing that until i saw it all go up in flames. JOHN: so i guess i could have used my powers to stop the fire and save whatever was left of the place, but i couldn’t bring myself to do it. JOHN: like some fucked up part of me was glad i got there too late? JOHN: so i just sat there, watching, trying to figure out why watching my house burn down felt like i was being released from prison. JOHN: and even now i keep trying to explain it away, as though it’s because of how fucked up everything else is that it made me feel good. JOHN: but that’s just bullshit. JOHN: it DID feel good. JOHN: i DO feel free. JOHN: sorry.

I was kind of saying some Breath/Blood stuff at the time of him losing his last tie to his stubborn sticking-to-his-kid-self bit?  Except now we’re mixing it in with June Egbert and his gender-identity questions too.

ROXY: no need 2 apologize ROXY: we just delved in2 my whole gender thing last time so it seems fine for u to have a turn JOHN: i didn’t say it was a gender thing.

Oh shit

ROXY: well no i just meant like i did some sharing ROXY: like referrin 2 the topic i brought up when we chatted last ROXY: but like now that u mention it ROXY: *meaningful pause* JOHN: … JOHN: i JOHN: ROXY: lol well we can move on 2 the favor part if youd rather ROXY: stick a lil pin in that topic n come back 2 it when u have had sleep

Are you just INCREDIBLY incisive Roxy or have you and John talked about this before?

ROXY: like i said the other day its not like this shits figureoutable in 1 sitting anyways JOHN: yeah... ROXY: sooooooo ROXY: movin on

It’s just fine for Roxy to slow-roll this yeah, if she’s going to pry open that door a little

ROXY: dont be mad but theres a part of the house u didnt know abt the whole time u lived here JOHN: what? ROXY: yea ROXY: i got a secret lair ROXY: for my sciences

OH FUCK YES SCIENCE LAB, of COURSE Roxy would want a cool science lab basement because she always wants a cool science lab basement

ROXY: and i get to it via a transportalizer underneath our bed ROXY: which is 2 heavy 2 move by my lonesome so i just needed to borrow some o your aforementioned powers of wind

Okay no.  Wait.  What the fuck?

First of all, as funny and MSPaintAdventures-y as furniture being in the way of things is, why would you block it with a bed too heavy to move, but,

Second of all, more importantly, how is a GOD-TIER ROXY not strong enough to lift a heavy bed?!?!?!?  Either she’s lying to get John involved in things or this is a gendered cop-out because these characters are superheroes at the TOP of their echeladders, given obnoxiously powerful video-game strength and athletics only to then have ascended into DEITIES.  God-Tier Roxy could probably have lifted a bed like that when she was SEVENTEEN!  And now she’s an ADULT, out-of-shape or otherwise!  If this were a whole CAR I might be willing to handwave it, but just a heavy BED?!?  And none of the GUYS are going to have this much trouble lifting a bed like this, are they??  This just feels like following classic cartoony gender tropes in the complete absence of these characters’ super powers, what the fuck, and also Roxy if you didn’t make it Transportalizer-only access you could have given it an entrance you could phase through with your fancy powers to get to.  FUCK.

This feels stupid.

ROXY: so if u dont mind woosh away JOHN: uh ok, well... JOHN: a secret science lair, sure, i can deal with that. JOHN: why not! JOHN: it doesn’t work out great when i do the windy thing indoors, though. ROXY: aight then no wind bending just use your mangrit

Roxy flexes, the corner of her mouth pulled up into a familiar grin. John feels his guts, so recently calmed, twist up into knots again. Her eyebrows shoot up and the smile loosens. He must have shown something on his face.

You’re already THIS sensitive about gendertalk?

ROXY: ok or just like push when i push ROXY: we both got sick muscles ROXY: no other adjectives necessary JOHN: yeah ok. ROXY: on 3?

Please, please reinforce the idea that they both have sick strength, because they fucking do and the idea that Roxy actually a hundred percent NEEDED John to do this is BS.

> (==>)

JOHN: holy shit? ROXY: sorry to lop yet another huge scoop onto ur lil brains ice cream revelation sundae JOHN: so wait, if this thing's always been under the bed, how’d you get down here before without me? ROXY: well thats neither here nor there john JOHN: i mean it is kinda. Here. ROXY: fine ok checkmate ROXY: i dont ACTUALLY need ur nerdgrit for this escapade ROXY: like im sorry but i said it ROXY: i mostly just wanted to see you and show u wats down here

THANK FUCKING CHRIST.

If that wasn’t actually just a lie to get him involved I was going to stay SO mad.  Of COURSE Roxy can move a fucking BED no matter how heavy it is.  OF COURSE.

ROXY: and also uve been ~sent for~ JOHN: ok but like ROXY: john i am inviting u 2 my inner sanctum ROXY: i am literally bringing out the word "sanctum" in case u werent already clued in 2 how cool this is ROXY: so do u wanna go into my secret lair or wat JOHN: yeah!? JOHN: yes? i guess? ROXY: aight good

Yes John of course you want to stop fighting it

ROXY: then as they told me in the hospital before lil h a was born ROXY: just push

eyeroll, but yeah, of course

> (==>)

Oh cool, sprite form version of her loungewear.

> (==>)

Sorry for my compulsion to post every full-frame image of Roxy in this awesome outfi-WERE YOU KEEPING CALLIOPE UNDER YOUR BED THIS WHOLE TIME?!?????

That’s like... almost a fucking metaphor isn’t it????  For the relationship you preferred in the other timeline and possibly THIS one TOO or

ROXY: hey callieee i got him ROXY: o damn john sorry i shoulda also told u callies here weve been hangin out again ROXY: 1 more freak for ur bean

Oh huh, so this isn’t an always thing.  And these two can get close in more than one timeline where it would’ve worked out nicely.  :)

JOHN: oh it's ok, my bean feels pretty well adjusted to freakage at this point so keep them coming if you like! ROXY: k cool i will JOHN: do i get to know what that big thing under the sheet is? ROXY: hmmmmmm no JOHN: oh ok. JOHN: are you sure? i mean, it seems like a pretty prominent feature of the room. JOHN: space. JOHN: wherever we are. ROXY: and a totally mysterious n COMPLETELY inconspicuous feature it will have to remain for now ROXY: we r kinda in a hurry here fyi ROXY: and by that i mean ROXY: we are in precisely the amount of hurry that means im excused from having to a that specific q rn JOHN: right, sorry. JOHN: i will pay no attention to the object behind the curtain. ROXY: u catch on fast egbert ROXY: anyway theres more cool info coming so just follow me

I don’t have any big theories.  Is it just the Hiveswap device or something?  If Calliope helped with it it’d help explain the Cherubic theme.

> (==>)

JOHN: so... this is all downstairs? JOHN: it seems like you had a lot of work done. ROXY: well no not x actly ROXY: were in the old meteor JOHN: under the house??? ROXY: ok so ROXY: in hindsight it may have been a bit misleading 2 say like ROXY: "downstairs" ROXY: in reference to a place which is hells of buried underground and may not actually be literally under the house ROXY: but there is no time to explain all that rn john so instead im going to refer u to my adorable little green friend here CALLIOPE: #U_U# ROXY: (hehe) CALLIOPE: *AHEM* CALLIOPE: hi john! CALLIOPE: long time no see. ^u^

Cherubs just really like dark cavelike places full of weird tech don’t they.

> (==>)

THEY’RE SO CUTE

JOHN: oh, uh. hey callie! JOHN: it sure has been a while huh. JOHN: now that i think about it, the last time the three of us hung out like this... CALLIOPE: was when i was aggressively third wheeling yoUr prenUptial coUrtship? CALLIOPE: if yoU dont mind, john, i'd rather not rehash that period of oUr lives. CALLIOPE: it was more than a little painfUl for me. JOHN: oh. JOHN: god, jeez, i'm sorry. i didn't mean to-- CALLIOPE: hee hee john i am only pUlling yoUr leg, don't worry. CALLIOPE: if anything i was personally a little thrilled with how things shook oUt in that respect. CALLIOPE: imagine, if yoU will, a yoUng cherUb raised in solitUde, whose only solace was the convolUted and tUmUltUoUs romantic schemata she projected onto her only friends from another Universe. CALLIOPE: and then fUrther imagine that this yoUng cherUb, throUgh varioUs even *more* convolUted contrivances, ended Up in the company of those selfsafe friends as an eqUal participant in their sphere of social discoUrse! CALLIOPE: it is a joy the like of which yoU possibly cannot fathom. u_u

Reinforcing that things turning out this way was in fact the FANTASY that Calliope was writing over in the Canon timeline.  Just, heavily, HEAVILY implied that the Candy timeline is -- or at least originated as -- Calliope’s fanfiction as a Muse of Space, and its competition for audience interest with canon is the essential conflict between alt!Calliope and Dirk (or Dirk and Andrew Hussie).

CALLIOPE: so to pUt it simply, getting to experience sUch emotional drama myself was an impossibly enriching experience. CALLIOPE: possibly a first for my species! CALLIOPE: it's actUally qUite interesting, if yoU ROXY: *nudge* CALLIOPE: oh, right. yes. i'm getting a little carried away, haha. CALLIOPE: argh, i'm sorry, this is not how i planned to begin this vital conversation.

Vital conversation?  What sorta truth-bombs are coming?

CALLIOPE: but to sUmmarise, what i was trying to say is: CALLIOPE: don't beat yourself Up aboUt it john. CALLIOPE: besides, hUman divorces are even more fascinating than i had ever imagined, and being able to witness yoUrs in motion was an honoUr. CALLIOPE: so i consider Us aboUt even at this point. JOHN: hahaha!!! JOHN: okay, well that's good to know! CALLIOPE: ^u^

Holy SHIT that was savage!  And we’ll NEVER know whether or not she really intended it so savagely, either.~

JOHN: so um... JOHN: i hear that there's this big secret thing you wanna tell me about? CALLIOPE: oh right, yes of course! CALLIOPE: let me jUst say first of all how thrilled i am that yoU're on board. CALLIOPE: i wasn't sUre if yoUr natUral inclinations woUld have preclUded yoUr coming to such a place as this, and yet here yoU are. CALLIOPE: this whole endeavoUr will be *so* mUch easier with yoUr help.

Uh oh.

Hopefully babies aren’t involved.

JOHN: oh! well, shucks. JOHN: not really sure what that means but i'm just glad to be of use somewhere, haha. JOHN: which, speaking of somewhere, CALLIOPE: ah right, right. yoU're probably a little cUrioUs as to where the dickens we are. CALLIOPE: how much do yoU know aboUt black holes? JOHN: um... like, the big space things? CALLIOPE: they aren't always big actUally, and in fact their relative smallness is practically their defining qUality. JOHN: oh. CALLIOPE: bUt okay i think we are on the same page. CALLIOPE: so, what if i told yoU that we are inside of a black hole right now.

Oh dear, we’re getting into the canon/noncanon divide?

JOHN: um... JOHN: like, HERE? JOHN: we just transportalized into a black hole? CALLIOPE: no, i mean, what if oUr whole WORLD was inside a black hole. JOHN: ok.

Yeah, that’s gonna be John’s reaction.  “ok.”  Pretty much inevitable.

CALLIOPE: earth c, or at least oUr version of it, has, from the moment we crossed the victory threshold, been inside a black hole. JOHN: ok. CALLIOPE: and not just any black hole, bUt the very black hole in which the green sUn Ultimately met its demise, allowing oUr victory in the first instance! JOHN: huh! ROXY: ("huh!") ROXY: (rofl my fucking ao egbert) JOHN: (shhhh!)

And Roxy enjoys his non-reaction reactions as much as we do, hehe.

CALLIOPE: bUt, paradoxically, the critical moment which determined its capture within the black hole happened *after* that point. CALLIOPE: i refer of coUrse to yoUr decision not to retUrn to the mediUm and fight my brother. JOHN: wait, wait. JOHN: you mean, the meat and candy thing? JOHN: oh my god. JOHN: you mean i actually DID make a mistake that day. CALLIOPE: well, that's not exactly what that-- JOHN: ugh, i fucking KNEW it! JOHN: i'm so sorry. JOHN: i'm so sorry that i put the earth inside a black hole everyone. ): ROXY: john ROXY: listen ROXY: u have got to get out of this mindset i am begging you JOHN: ):

Yeah shake him out of this shit.

ROXY: your choice literally didnt matter ROXY: the whole thing was symbolic in the first place ROXY: literally symbolic in the case of the picnic i mean come on ROXY: it was just some steak and a plate of candy suckers JOHN: oh. CALLIOPE: i mean, i wouldn't go so far as to say that the meal we shared was unimportant, given the sacred significance of the two options i presented. CALLIOPE: but yes, yoUr choice of snack was infinitely less important than the choice which it presaged. CALLIOPE: and even then, calling it a choice woUld be sorely misleading. CALLIOPE: think of it like a coin flip. CALLIOPE: the series of events that led to Us being trapped beyond the event horizon of an Ubermassive black hole could be considered "tails", while the events which would have occUrred otherwise could be considered "heads". CALLIOPE: since both were possible, and paradox space is the way it is, they actUally both happened. and we jUst "happened" (hee hee) to get tails instead of heads. JOHN: you mean we ended up with the bad possibility. CALLIOPE: not at all! since both possibilities depend on one another's existence, it really doesn't make sense to call them "right" or "wrong". they both just "are". JOHN: o...kay... CALLIOPE: u_u

Yeah, it’s going to take a bit more than that to convince him he didn’t make the “wrong decision”.

CALLIOPE: i realise that this may be a lot to process. CALLIOPE: it's easy to forget that this wasn't obvioUs to everyone from the beginning. CALLIOPE: anyway, the reason i went on this tangent in the first place was to explain that the space we are standing in right now has a special significance, in that it is the location which corresponds to the black hole's singUlarity. JOHN: oh, wow. JOHN: um. JOHN: ok so, sorry if this is a dumb question to ask suddenly, but what does being inside of a black hole actually... mean for us? JOHN: is that bad? JOHN: is it like in movie, um, JOHN: shoot. JOHN: roxy what was that matthew mcconaughey movie from your earth that we watched? ROXY: u mean interstellar JOHN: RIGHT. JOHN: the one with the organ. JOHN: man. i cried at that movie so much. ROXY: lol u can say that again ROXY: iirc at least part of y u got so weepy was the fact that u couldnt believe a version of earth existed where ppl got 2 watch more mcconaughey films than you JOHN: listen. JOHN: i simply don't think you all appreciated the gift you were given. CALLIOPE: i don't believe i'm familiar with this particular film ^u^;; ROXY: oh dont worry cal you didnt miss much JOHN: (gasp)

This is all gold

ROXY: but the important point is that no its not really an interstellar type situation here egbert ROXY: ur not gonna enter a weird time vortex and change the trajectory of a little girls life with the power of love JOHN: aw.

Dammit, now we have to be on the lookout for that possibility.  Or it did sort of already happen more than once to John.  ...Whatever.

CALLIOPE: to go back to your original question, john. CALLIOPE: it's not strictly speaking "bad" for Us to be inside of a black hole, mUch thoUgh that contradicts most of what anyone knows about them. CALLIOPE: of coUrse, if we had fallen into it, that woUld be a whole other kettle of fish. CALLIOPE: the tidal forces woUld have stretched Us all into spaghetti and then ripped us apart! CALLIOPE: bUt the natUre of oUr arrival was more akin to simply "being" here, sUddenly. one moment we were not, and the next moment we were, and somehow always had been. CALLIOPE: in everyday, practical terms, being inside of a black hole has very little bearing on Us. CALLIOPE: i mean, the natUre of space and time is a little finicky in here, bUt for the most part it doesn't seem to be anything too oUt of the ordinary. CALLIOPE: bUt beyond that, it means that we are sealed away from the rest of existence. CALLIOPE: oUr sphere of inflUence is limited to the sphere of the black hole's bounding horizon. CALLIOPE: as far as everyone else is concerned, we might as well not even exist! JOHN: is there no way we could let anyone know that we're in here...? CALLIOPE: almost certainly not!

No?  So this doesn’t have to do with the divide?

CALLIOPE: there are very few ways for anything to escape the kind of predicament that we are in right now. one of them is to be an all-powerfUl being with control over the very fabric of space, with the energy of two Universes at yoUr disposal. CALLIOPE: in which case, escape woUld become rather trivial, if a little Unscientific. JOHN: ok. i am going to assume that we can't just do that. CALLIOPE: yoU've hit the nail on the head, UnfortUnately. U_U CALLIOPE: the method i described was the one employed by my alternate self, who yoU may recall crashed through the event horizon in the body that once belonged to jade harley. CALLIOPE: she departed through a pUnctUre she created in the black hole's surface shortly after consUming my brother, a deed which provided her with the necessary "oomph", and which was frankly rather breathtaking to watch. =u= CALLIOPE: bUt Upon her departUre, the rift closed for good. as far as i can see, there's simply no way for Us to commUnicate with the world oUtside the black hole.

What the heck?  Calliope SAW all this?  Is this her Muse powers at work, letting her observe these things, or was she there?  And John certainly did NOT see ANY of what Calliope just said happen.

CALLIOPE: i woUld certainly be very sUrprised to find oUt that anyone had managed sUch a thing!

So we’re going to find that out if we haven’t already.  Maybe something to do with the way Vrissy just conks out narcoleptically?

JOHN: ...right. JOHN: so... let me just get this straight. JOHN: knowing that we're inside of a black hole... does that actually change anything? JOHN: like, can't we just go on living like normal? CALLIOPE: oh absolUtely not. CALLIOPE: i don't know if yoU've noticed john bUt this world is on the brink of a total cataclysm. JOHN: oh.

Um, what?

CALLIOPE: oUr exclUsion from the overarching coUrse of events which governs all reality means that oUr existence here is liable to dramatic and violent Upheaval. CALLIOPE: to pUt it another way, becaUse nothing in here "matters", we are likely to be sUbjected to things which are a bit bats in the belfry, for no reason other than it's totally insignificant to the wider canon of reality. CALLIOPE: and mUch thoUgh i am personally titillated by some of the conseqUences of this predicament, it is a degrading way for Us to live. u_u JOHN: that's... certainly one way to put it, yeah...

No plot-armor for your entire timeline, I guess, yep.  Outside of canon, we can imagine and write about ANYTHING happening to the characters, or just drop their existence entirely, much like a doomed offshoot timeline.  It’s a plot stability that depended heavily on the threat of Lord English and being trapped in a story, and without it things are bound to see a BIT chaotic (or “degrading” if you view it as subjected to the whims of fanfic writers, certainly).

CALLIOPE: at first, i believed that this was simply necessary. Us playing tails to oUr coUnterparts' heads, the black to their white, and so forth. CALLIOPE: bUt over the years i have come to the conclUsion that this is simply not kosher. ROXY: its total bs is what it is CALLIOPE: right, yes. CALLIOPE: a steaming pile of bUllshite. CALLIOPE: and so we have decided that something needs to be done aboUt it.

Ah fuck.  You’re going to regulate non-canon?  “Canonize” it?  Is the fact that you eventually succeed at whatever it is you’re trying to do part of why we have the story presented to us in this bifurcated structure?

ROXY: this is finally where u come in jegbert ROXY: we gots quests for yous CALLIOPE: hee hee, yes. CALLIOPE: or *a* quest, to be specific. JOHN: oh boy! ROXY: (this fkin nerd i s2g)

Roxy and Calliope setting him on this quest as a Rogue of Void and a Muse of Space feels fitting.

JOHN: i'm not sure how i can go about freeing us from a hellish space prison, but i'm up for giving it a try i guess? JOHN: i have... literally nothing better to be doing at this point. except for maybe hanging out with harry anderson. ROXY: nice save lol

YEAH WE’RE STILL GLOSSING OVER HOW YOU LEFT HIM UNPROTECTED, JERK

ROXY: but u dont need to worry abt busting us outta space jail tbh ROXY: thats not ur problem to fix JOHN: oh. JOHN: i'm... not sure i follow, then. ROXY: i mean yeah ur gonna obvs facilitate it in a sense ROXY: but only by going and busting the person who can actually help us outta normal earth jail CALLIOPE: we need yoU to free vriska from the clUtches of oUr misgUided friend jane, and bring her here, to the singUlarity. ROXY: weve been calling it the plot point CALLIOPE: yes, the plot point is a key part of oUr plan. CALLIOPE: as far as we have been able to sUrmise, the only remaining method for escaping oUr grim confinement depends on leveraging the UniqUe properties of this location to create an event of sUch catalcysmic proportions that it simply cannot be contained within the black hole any more. CALLIOPE: something SO dramatic, so hyper-relevant, that it becomes ontologically impossible for anyone to ignore it. CALLIOPE: for that, we need an individUal of sUfficient narrative cloUt, so to speak. CALLIOPE: and to liberate her, who better than the embodiment of the aspect of freedom itself? CALLIOPE: ... CALLIOPE: phew. okay, i'm finished. CALLIOPE: CALLIOPE: sorry, that took longer than i expected to go throUgh.

..............................

OOooooh, kay.

Whatever this is, it’s going to be really weird and PROBABLY infuriating and/or shippy, and I’m probably not going to like it.  Plus it seems like it’s some sort of inverse belated canonization of some other black-hole-rescue theories I went on about at some point.  Although, related to that link, “aspect of freedom” if anyone wasn’t paying attention!  That’s a (sorta-)canon mention of the purpose of it!

They’re going to attention-wh-- attention-hog themselves out of the black hole so that they’re “considered canon” too, or close enough.  Huh.

ROXY: what r u talking about cals that was great ROXY: i could listen 2 u plotsplain for years CALLIOPE: oh you >u< ROXY: fyi this was why i wanted u to get a move on eggbread ROXY: so callie could have more time 2 infodump ROXY: thats love bitchhhhhh JOHN: hahaha. JOHN: ok, well, i think i understood all that?

Love with who? Callie, John, both?

In reality, John isn’t sure what most of this means. But on balance, it feels okay? He’s gone back and forth about a hundred times in the last week about where his place in everything is, so he might as well ride this out. Plus, the last time a Lalonde kind of told him to do something, he thinks that he chose not to, and look where that got him. And it’s not like he has other plans. He may as well do this! It’s at least going to get him involved in things again, if nothing else. He turns to go, and then hears a sound. It’s the sound of feet and knocking on doors, echoed through stone and digital static.

Oh shit.  Is Andrew trapped behind some fourth walls behind the curtains.

> (==>)

Oh RIGHT also that DEVICE is where they want to bring Vriska.  Are they going to overturn part of canon itself with a super-retcon thus making this timeline unbelievably relevant or--?  Maybe make all the PESTERQUESTS canon or something?!  I don’t know.  Maybe they’re INTENTIONALLY starting the game like Vriska wanted to??????

Guh, this is something so big that I don’t WANT to theorize about it, do I.

JOHN: did you hear that? ROXY: wha ROXY: oh yeah uh ROXY: i may have messaged rose and kan and jade to check on them too ROXY: so its prob onea them showin up ROXY: they don’t need to know bout all this tho ROXY: we got time to chat with them b4 u go get vriska

No, even if it’s a knock at the somehow-top-level-house-even-under-buried-- oh, right, maybe it’s covering in part a monitoring system that looks up there.  But still, part of that sound was DOUBTLESS these two hiding something, all standing in front of the curtain like that.

JOHN: i’ll go stall em. ROXY: thx babe ROXY: oh is it 2 soon for that joke or JOHN: no, weirdly enough, that one’s fine. ROXY: oh good ok see u up there soon!

How is calling your significant other “babe” not cool REGARDLESS of gender?!  Like wasn’t that always cool? --Oh wait is it because they’re not together or... but... guh, I don’t know.

Anyway, see y’all after the holidays at least.

[urcharactersclasspect]

Psst. Can I get some more details about Nazz and Jonny being Bards of Heart? That's a really interesting take imo!

Boy do YOU have an ESSAY to read

As a disclaimer, Ed Edd n Eddy isnt really a very deep show- Theres just tidbits of something deeper sometimes you can gather about the cul de sac and the kids we focus on in the show. Ive watched through the show from episode 1 to Eddy's movie and the last episode. But its been a hot second since Ive been a kid myself and I havent really sat down to watch it in a long time tbh.

Another disclaimer is, even though they share a godtier does not mean they will have the same personality! Since Personality by itself pretty much is not as relevant to classpects as much as how the aspects seem to bend around the person in question as they grow and delevoped. That being said..This is gonna be a long ass read. Im so sorry. I have THOUGHTS on everything.

For Nazz, throughout the show we see her literally making almost every boy in the Cul De Sac crush on her, she has no confirmed feelings until the last movie, where she and kevin want to date. Unlike most heart players in canon and the ones I have met or seen good protrayals of, i dont think she has unrequited feelings and we clearly see as much, but it sure does give me the same energy as Dirk's frequant troubles to just finally spit out his feelings for Jake through extreme indirect means, and how Heart players are actually way better at controlling how or showing how they really feel waaaay more than people give them credit for- This isn't to imply heart players are Emotionless and never show emotion, but Heart players are firmly NOT all sweethearts who are innocent, do no wrongs and are definitely not always bubbly fangirls like Meulin- Hell, even Meulin isn't really probably being honest with her own feelings on things either.  On the contrary, they can be very intense with what they are passionate about whether it be romantic or just an interest of theirs. And usually, like Dirk, they are very self aware of that fact. So they sometimes try to hold back things about themselves they are all too aware of. Sometimes to a detriment, but not always. For Dirk, its his emotions in general he tries to keep to himself. For Meulin its likely her resentment of her team members and holding back her anger at Kurloz or maybe even her feelings for Kurloz still being there.

For the Bard part of her classpect, its the idea that Bards Mirror their opposite. The thing about Nazz is shes actually very responsible! Often giving an air of being very well put together for a kid to the rest of the cul de sacs kids and cool headed more times than not. Its part of the charm. Of her acting cool and casual- And just how she behaves regularly like nothing bothers her, but sometimes you can tell it does or just might (almost like a passive ghost of hpow Dirk acts). You learn over time shes actually very smart, too; she gets very good grades, is a model student who cheerleads, and even was seen as responsible enough by the parents of the cul-de-sac to babysit Eddy. Which definitely says something, I think. This is usually how we see Mind Players- Dirk being so cool headed but only the surface is  too. Since its the stereotype at this point that Mind players are the calm ones (which I have my own opinions on too but thats another essay for another time).

DESPITE this chill and responsible facade on the surface, Nazz has SEVERAL times shown some genuine Heart player impulsiveness or thinking with her heart on a sleeve. She allows Edd into her bathroom without even thinking about it, even when it wasn't cleaned up. You see how she acts on emotion like humouring Edd a lot through the show even by kissing him at one point and dancing with him even when it wasnt the popular thing to do, she humours Kevin but lectures him for his own impulsiveness on pure anger towards the Edds frequantly, passively destroying someone elses impulses and making him think before he acts a little more; In spite of this too, she also can get violent towards the Edds herself and irritable when things dont go her way, and we even learn Nazz for all her coolness and popularity, still has insecurities shes VERY emotional about- her hair being one. Much like Dirk does about this or that. Im sure theres further proof to get what Im saying across, but Im rambling as is. So thats where Ill end that tirade, I think it REALLY fits Nazz.  So theres my conclusion.

For Jonny 2x4. Its easier to tell you why I think it fits him, and Id say its for far more obvious reasons when you really get down to it. Hes probably an example of a Bard that simply hasn't learned how to gauge his aspect very well in every day life, leading to him becoming more of an annoyance to those around him much like how you see Cronus or Gamzee be treated. Someone who hasn't quite "gotten it" yet. I don't think this is nessasarily because Jonny is stupid though, at least maybe not as stupid as he makes himself out to be, since hes shown to definitely have some intellegience, more like its because hes Younger (theres no direct ages we know of?), but he does act a lot younger than Nazz so thats my best assumption, and hes also in a seperate enviroment from Nazz, who I personally see as a far healthier Bard for reasons I'll be getting into in a minute here. just know. Jonny has similiarities to Nazz with how the Heart aspect bends around him; Theres too many instances to count where hes just being impulsive but he tries to come across as braver or calmer than he really is. But if I admitted all of them for Jonny, we'd be here all day long and you'd be reading even MORE.

Lets just go with the obvious signs outside those then.

Jonny is a very lonely kid. This is similiar to Dirk too; Jonny is never seen with any genuine friends except his attempts to befriend the Edds, as stated before some kids in the cul-de-sac consider him to be an annoyance due to his own impulsiveness, and this because hes a very socially awkward kid because even in his own home theres rather dark implications of Child Nelgect or something happening. Even the Creator of the show states this interesting quote in an interveiw: "He'd be more or less thrown out the door at 9am and only let back in when it got dark or if it was time to eat. He had an imaginary friend. " Hes that lonely kid who was so lonely and felt so much so he had to resort to Imaginary friends, imposing an identity to an object that seemingly has a similiar personality to his own or a personality that meshes well enough for them to "get along" and to not get along sometimes- this is seen constantly with Jonny talking to Plank. Jonny sometimes disgrees with the morality of Plank, but hes also best friends with Plank and if I remember correctly, Jonny even says at point they are as close as brothers- PLank knows him more than he knows himself, as Jonny says. Sometimes Plank suggests even illegal things - things a little kid like Jonny (supposedly) wouldn't know about or do himself. Almost like Jonny knows weird things from listening to his parents and imposed them onto Plank, making Plank "real" so Jonny could stay in his own head and pretendHE doesn't know anything. If that makes sense.  Much in the same manner as Dirk having conversations of various focuses with HAL and objects he himself has inputted his will or rather - his Soul and Heart onto.

Thinking about this some more. I think an arguement could be made that Jonny isn't actually a Bard of Heart, but maybe a Bard of MIND. But IM not so sure.

If i think of anything more to add to this, I might revisit my thoughts on it later and reblog or edit it more.

[ardenttheories]

So, having read the updates, I’m going to point out some things of narrative importance. 

First of all, this:

DIRK: Until recently there’s been a shortage of ambient narrative relevance for Dirks, since one particular motherfucker has been sucking it all up like a thirsty little twink at his first interspecies rave.

So, in essence, no other Dirk has been able to do shit because Ult Dirk has been controlling the entire narrative too strongly. Now that he’s entered Fandon himself, there’s potential for the other Dirks to step forward for the same - hence, Brain Ghost Dirk appears. 

Therefore, while Alt Dirk was in canon, he was smothering his Splinters. How ironic. No wonder he commented on them in the last Upd8 - he’s been entirely in control of even them this entire time, but not quite in the way he wants, I think. 

I also think it’s interesting to see what BGD is like? Firstly, he’s what Jake thinks Dirk looks like now - so I’m assuming middle aged, since his hair style is different and looks a lot closer to the shorter cut of Bro than the flouncy cut of even an older Dirk. 

He also doesn’t seem as... commanding as Ult Dirk. He’s a dorky shit, he’s revealling more to Jake than he maybe strictly intends - he’s even doing the most ridiculous “draw me like one of your French girls” pose going. He’s definitely what Jake remembers Dirk to be, combined with a little of who Dirk is now. So it’ll be interesting to see how strong his narrative control is, if he’ll try to “fix” Jake in the way Dirk thinks Jake needs to be fixed or in the way Jake thinks (subconsciously) he needs to be fixed but is too scared to attempt alone, or if he’ll become more Ult Dirk-like with time. 

Then, this:

DIRK: The world comes first, even at the expense of all your relationships and personal happiness. That’s what being a hero means.

...

DIRK: Think what you want about Jane, but at least she realizes that none of you can ever be normal, and she never bothered to try. Can it really be a god-complex if you’re actually a god?

DIRK: People like us don’t get happy endings.

JAKE: Thats bleak dirk i dont think i could possibly believe that!

JAKE: I know youre born from all the little bits and bobs inside my mind but whew boy i dont think ive ever thought something like that even on my darkest days.

DIRK: Yeah. That’s probably more a Dirk thought than a Jake one. I told you, it’s hard to tell sometimes.

JAKE: Is...is that really how dirk felt the whole gosh darned time?

DIRK: It doesn’t matter.

So, Dirk is completely neglecting himself. He doesn’t think he can be normal, or that he can be happy - that there’s no happy ending for him because of who he is and what he’s capable of. He thinks that justifies what he’s doing; that everything comes first before the individual, that the world and the things he’s trying to do are more important. 

That’s why he’s so accepting of being the villain. It isn’t just a self perception thing; he thinks he has to take this role in order to save the world, the timeline, their relevancy. He’s disconnecting from who he is and his own needs (yet ironically is stroking his own damn ego, which is evident in how oddly humble BGD is as he says this; there’s no grandeur or flashy anime villain shit, just a sort of resigned idea that this is how it’s meant to be). 

Also, that last line. “It doesn’t matter”. Dirk has thought this since they came to Earth C. He’s be drowning in this fucked up sort of god-villain-hero complex with the idea that nothing matters except the fate of the world. 

How long did he stay on Earth C convincing himself there was no happy ending for him? That he had to do all this bullshit at the expense of every interpersonal relationship around him?

This is why I think he’s still not quite the Ultimate Self, as much as he thinks he is. He’s still destroying too wildly. He’s a True Prince of Heart once again, not Realised. There’s a way to do all of this without all the sacrifices, but Dirk hasn’t found it yet, he’s too determined to play it on his own and in his own way. 

(That said, for evidence of what a True Prince of Heart is; this is it. This is destruction of Heart but without aim, without purpose; this is Dirk attacking himself as well as other people, giving it direction but not a good one. He’s destroying everything to do with Heart but it isn’t beneficial to him or the people around him - only to this ideal that he’s striding towards. Being Realised means recognising when you need help, when you need to destroy and when you shouldn’t, being aware of these little destructions - but Dirk just isn’t. Or, if he is, he’s justifying them too much - and again, goes back to being True, not Realised.)

[actualbird]

most of the rec lists i have planned for @dghdafeedbackfest​ are completely brotzly centric so this rec list goes out to the shipless fics/fics that dont have the ship as the focus that deserve love!!!!!

An Interlude; or, Compulsory Heterosexuality Made Me Do It by @gallantrejoinder​ and @teacupsandcyanide​

Farah and Todd did, in fact, make out while on the run. They also both realised some very important things about themselves.

But not the things you might expect.

okay im kinda cheating with this one because theres suggested brotzly but this fic is just SO GOOD AND HILARIOUS and a wonderful look into farah and todd’s relationship

How Doth The Little Crocodile by quingigillion (cartouche)

Someone has beat them to it. That’s never happened before. They hate having their fun spoiled. Especially by some skinny white guy with a bloody nose who’s grinning far too wide.

"Oh. Hi!"

gorgeously atmospheric and beautifully written. i lack the words to adequately explain why i love this fic so much, but it just paints an amazing picture of a could-be dirk with wonderful prose

Pistachi-Oh, Dear... by @dont-offend-the-bees​

All Dirk wanted was a muffin. The universe had better ideas.

THIS FIC IS SO CLEVER AND FUNNY. THE SHEER GENIUS OF HOW EVERYTHING CONNECTS IS AMAZING AND THIS IS JUST A GREAT READ WHICH ALWAYS MAKES ME LAUGH

when you see me by couldaughter

Mrs Cjelli - Mum - was silent. He could hear her breath hitch, could almost taste salt in the air. The pressure in his chest hadn’t eased.

“I suppose this might be a bit of a shock,” Dirk said, eventually. He forced himself to look back up, to assess the damage he’d caused.

time for the TEARS. this fic makes me emotional so much. dirk gently deserves the BEST MOM!!!

Life by yeaka

Panto and Silas ask their king about children.

short, beautiful, and poignant. the magic here takes a life of its own even if it is sitting in the backseat.

where the falling angels meet the rising apes by cosmicocean

The thing sweeps its scythe and straightens. It must sense eyes on it, because it turns it’s head and looks right at Svlad. It is a skull’s face, grinning and bleached. Svlad stares. It tilts it’s head, like it’s watching a particularly fascinating documentary, or a cat attempting to catch a laser pointer created dot. AH, it says. It’s mouth doesn’t move, but Svlad hears it’s voice all the same, resonating deep and forever. INTERESTING.

A story of Death and the boy who could see him, through the years.

DISCWORLD DEATH AND DIRK ARE BUDDIES, WHAT MORE COULD YOU ASK FOR??? well this fic is also a wonderful peek into dirk’s development and Death as a character is done so well.

i was born in a summer storm (i live there still) by janeseyre

Farah confronts the vestiges of her past as she, Dirk, and Todd travel east to visit her mother. It turns out Farah isn’t as over her father’s death as she thought she was.

do you want the agency trio being the best of mcfucking friends???? gen ot3 feels are so strong in this fic. heartfelt and warm.

Breezes and Buceros have one thing in common by Grand_Funk

"Hi, I'm Mona." Says Mona in a voice that Svlad feels is fit for someone who breaks into rooms as a draft, only to spend time in them as a bird.

very VERY clever writing that is so apt for the short and heartbreaking scene that this fic portrays. lovely, so lovely.

An utterly non-de-escalatable situation by Grand_Funk

And in the deafening silence, Farah realized she had made a grave mistake.

"Oh my God, Farah, I didn't know you could sing!"

SWEETNESS OH GOD. RIP FARAH

Peach, Plum, Pear by Lavellington

"Mona!" Dirk says. "What have we said about sneaking up on people in the form of inanimate objects?"

"It's bad manners," she says, "and may result in invasion of privacy, or untimely cardiac arrest."

"Yes," he says, "good, thank you."

my favorite mona fic of all time. im taking this fic as basically like, the bible for how mona’s pov works and it is a joy to take a trip into her wonderfully crafted perspective and mind.

AAAAND here are some self indulgent self recs because im proud of my genfics hehe

the same wish is returned by reptilianraven

"I don’t really know how to make friends.”

The fortune teller opens a flap under Dirk’s fingers. The text reads, just do what you did with me.

“Take you with me while I escaped a government prison?” Dirk asks, dutifully folding all the paper back in order before unfolding a flap open anew.

smile. be yourself. keep talking. Mona says through the new text. if that doesn’t work do what i did to make you my friend

“And what is that, exactly?” Dirk fondly remembers how he met Mona. How he first yelped in shock when he saw a chair shift into scorpion and then watched in awe-horror as that scorpion stood between him and the exit.

make sure he doesn’t get away :D

-

When Dirk escapes Blackwing that first time, he takes Mona with him. Friendship is a little odd when one party refuses to turn into anything human and the other party is Dirk, but they make it work.

i just really love mona, guys

Estevez and the Acceptable, Tolerable, Not Too Bad, Okay Continued Living Existence by reptilianraven

Seconds before he’s about to stand to leave, his phone pings. There’s text from a number he doesn’t recognize.

estevez i hope this is ur number

Who is this?

who are you first is this estevez detective estevez i never got your first name is it detective hey are you ignoring these texts HEY THIS IS LYDIA

For real?

-

Wherein Ex-Detective Joel Estevez does not die.

i could not accept estevez’ death SO MUCH this fic had to happen lest i sulk for a month.

happy reading!! dont forget to show these writers some love!!!!

[kieren-fucking-walker]

Hello! I’m excited to do this as I don’t rec much, reccing things terrifies me because I hate feeling like I’m picking/playing favourites and leaving people out, and I also am just generally bad at picking my favourites of anything because I like too many things too much. I also am very bad at bookmarking, keeping track of fics I read, and generally being able to recall the names of fics to be able to rec them. So, with all that in mind I thought I’d start with something easy, on the understanding that this isn’t by any means an exhaustive list and I’d be more comfortable with this being “ten fics I like” rather than a top ten because there are far far too many fics I love in this fandom to ever do a list of favourites. So, in no particular order: 

Ten fics under ten thousand words (that I love):

Hypocrite by Lynds [@gold-from-straw​] - Rating: G, WC: 1.6k, Pairing: N/A

Summary: How can Todd possibly expect to be forgiven if he still can't forgive everyone who hurt him? Why I love it: This is one of my favourite explorations of a very specific part of Todd’s character, and it’s worth noting that the characteristics are spot on. I come back to this fic over and over again, and while in many ways it’s painful it’s also real and honest and just a beautiful bit of writing concerning Todd and his guilt.

Dork Greatly's Holistic Laundry Service by obscureenthusiast -  Rating: G, WC: 2.8k, Pairing: Brotzly (kind of)

Summary: Dirk very generously offers to help Todd with his household chores... an offer which Todd eventually takes him up on. The laundry gets a little out of hand when Todd remembers a game he and Amanda used to play and Dirk enthusiastically joins.

Why I love it: Cute!! It’s cute silly fun of these two bonding over laundry and sock puppets, gentle ribbing and acting like children. It gets even better when Farah joins in, I’m a sucker for those three being dorks together. 

My Mind Is My Own Worst Enemy; It Keeps Trying To Convince Me That You Are by DontOffendTheBees [@dont-offend-the-bees​​​]  -  Rating: T, WC: 1.6k, Pairing: Brotzly

Summary: His voice is so familiar and yet also just so… wrong. There’s something missing in it. Some vital aspect of Todd that Dirk didn’t even notice until it was gone.

Why I love it: ANGST! This appeals to every single one of my angst tendencies, and as I’m using this rec list to rec things I love I have to give a shoutout to the most wonderfully angsty fic I’ve read. I love this fic. I love the premise, I love the tension, I love the way it’s written, I love how awful the situation is. I love the way this fic is resolved, I love that it’s plausible, realistic in that. It’s incredibly emotional in all the worst ways and that makes it one of my favourite short fics ever.

Cut To The Feeling by zaphodthebb -  Rating: G, WC: 2.1k, Pairing: Brotzly 

Summary: Post Blackwing rescue, Todd is awake and on guard duty. He's had too much coffee. Also, Dirk can't sleep.

Why I love it: I’m such a sucker for post-big-things fic and this one nails the feeling perfectly. You can feel the exhaustion, the way smaller things they didn’t have time to worry about before catching up to them now they can stop for a moment. Both Dirk and Todd feel tired and real and it’s just a lovely read. 

split the secret up by piggy09 [@sharkodactyl] -  Rating: T, WC: 5.1k, Pairing: N/A

Summary: He asks if Dirk can hear it and Dirk just laughs, the sound reassuringly human.Well, not reassuringly. Reassuringly would mean Todd had to be reassured.It’s just – it sounds human. Which is good. Because Dirk is human. Definitely

Why I love it: Why don’t I love it? The idea of the Blackwing subjects being Eldritch in some way is a concept I’ve explored numerous times because it appeals to me so much, and if it appeals to you then you want to read this fic. It’s eerie and unsettling, the ability to hit the tone of not-quite-right is perfect, the pacing is astounding and it’s so hard to write a fic like this and keep the idea together as well as it’s done here. I love experimental styles of writing and when they turn out like this it’s not hard to see why. I love this fic a lot. (I would also recommend reading on desktop not mobile because the formatting of this fic adds so much to it!)

Catharsis by ben8615  -  Rating: T, WC: 1.3k, Pairing: Brotzly

Summary: Dirk is broken as heck, so why not have him cry it out? That's it. That's the whole story. You can all go home now.

Why I love it: The title and summary say it all really! This is such a lovely little fic about Dirk getting some catharsis in a way we all know he desperately needs, and paired with Todd taking care of him so gently? It’s such a perfect, wonderful little fic that just feels quiet and safe and wonderful.

objects in mirror may be closer than they appear by sharlook [@aceabed]  -  Rating: T, WC: 8.8k, Pairing: Brotzly

Summary: You’re alone, with your arms wrapped tight around a pillow at god knows what time in the night, and there are tears running down your face because you can’t seem to stop thinking about it, not even in your dreams. And then clutching your covers you get an idea. (In which Dirk has nightmares about Blackwing, goes to Todd for help, and is really, really, really in love.)

Why I love it: This fic aches in such a beautiful way. It doesn’t shy away from the ramifications of what Dirk went through and how that plays out for him, his fears and paranoias feel real and present in a way I really appreciate. The choice to use second person is a really good one, it’s a tricky pov to pull off but this definitely gets it right and is better for it. The development of Dirk and Todd’s relationship, particularly looking at Todd’s reactions to Dirk’s worries through Dirk’s eyes is just wonderful and it’s well worth a read. 

Those Grey Days by TheRoyalPrussianArmy [@theroyalprussianarmy​]  -  Rating: G, WC: 2.4k, Pairing: Brotzly

Summary: The bad days weren't always days. They could creep up, like some small, silent predator and deliver a swift bite that poisoned its victim's outlook. A blue sky could turn into grey one heartbeat after a laugh. The gentle sound of the wind in the trees would suddenly become overwhelmingly irritating. Even so much as a door closing or footsteps across the floor could lead to a strong desire to cry and scream, to rage and throw things. They would always pass, of course, but in the moment they were devastating.

Why I love it: We all know I love a good Todd characterisation, and I love a good exploration of the shitty realities of bad mental health and letting other people help you with that. I really really love this fic for both of those reasons, it’s unflinching without being gratuitous, and I really love the way it doesn’t promise sudden miraculous recovery at the hands of someone else, but ends on a gentler kind of promise of having people be there for you if you let them be. Also I’m a huge fan of the way this is written, it reads so nicely and it’s more than worth it. 

Light Work by  juniper_and_lamplight  [@juniper-and-lamplight​​​​]  -  Rating: T, WC: 2.8k, Pairing: Farina

Summary: Tina had, with her typical blunt insight, poked at Farah’s motivations for baking the cake herself. “Is it some kind of control-freaky thing? Like you can’t trust anyone else to get it right?” And while Farah couldn’t honestly say no to that question, her real motivation ran deeper.

Why I love it: This fic is wonderful. I always think we need more Farah insights, and this fic does just that in such a beautiful way, catching on her idiosyncrasies and the character building is to die for. It’s such a simple idea and yet the story itself manages to be rich and full, the imagery is simply gorgeous and every little snippet of a look into Farah’s life as it was in the past and is right now just delights me. Honestly this fic will leave you with a sweet, warm feeling all the way down to your toes and dwelling in the comfort of knowing Farah is loved by herself and others in all the ways she deserves.

or make a home by reptilianraven [@actualbird​​]  -  Rating: T, WC: 6.6k, Pairing: Brotzly

Summary: “Perhaps,” Dirk says in his best ‘yes, I’m bullshitting you, but I’m your boyfriend and you love me still’ voice. “The universe wants it this way.”“The universe wants you to always forget to put the cap back on the toothpaste,” Todd says, unimpressed, screwing the cap on himself.-Or Todd’s adventures in dating Dirk Gently, the mundanities of which unsurprisingly turning out to not be very mundane at all (featuring, among other things: intergalactic wormholes, regular periods of lying down on the floor, and several annoying habits that concern toothpaste and toothbrushes.)

Why I love it: You know those fics you read that make you want to throw your face into a pillow and scream with emotions? Yeah. This fic is so ridiculously good. The beauty of mundane daily rituals that make up part of a relationship! The way those things grow together, evolving into each others spaces and lives, this fic explores that so well. The portrayal of their relationship is so soft and tender, so happy and bright and silly and sad and everything a relationship should be. Honestly I can’t overstate enough how much I love this fic, I can’t go on and on here, but I’m about 99% sure this fic invented love-in-small-spaces kinda way. Also, sidetracking from all my other comments, if you like Mika’s song Tiny Love and the reprise of it then you’ll love this fic because I listened to it and immediately thought of it. Beautiful, emotional, fic. If this fic was a blanket I’d burrito myself in it and never leave. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There we go! I obviously have far more than ten fics that fall into this category and hopefully more of them will be cropping up over the course of this week if I can find the time to make that happen, but as this is something I’m lowkey scared of doing I’m pleased enough to have this much! Thank you so much to @dghdafeedbackfest​ for organising this!

If you read any of these fics and like them please let the author know! Also check out some of their other stuff, because a lot of these authors are writers I love in general! 

[juniper-and-lamplight]

DGHDA Feedback Fest prompt: Share your to-be-read list

Look, we all know that it’s difficult to read all of the fic you’d like to read in a timely fashion. However, it’s easy to rec fics you’re looking forward to, and so that’s what I’m doing today! Some of these fics I’m saving for when I have more time, or when I’m in the right frame of mind, or when I need an enjoyable distraction from family holiday stress (I’ll see you at Christmas, Strange Magic). If you haven’t read these fics yet, check them out and consider adding them to your own TBR list — or better yet, beat me to reading them, and leave some nice comments while you’re there!

you can check out any time you like - @cosmicoceanfic​ - WIP, T, Dirk/Todd

“Dirk and Todd, with no memory in a hotel that goes on forever.”

Strange Magic - @dont-offend-the-bees​ - 118.4k, T, Dirk/Todd, AU

"With the freedom to indulge his every whim, the love (or at least toleration) of his subjects, and the affections of the loyal Sir Brotz, it seems the sun shines down upon the prince’s fortunes. But that's about to change, an ill-wind blowing in the form of a tournament to decide his future husband. No more childish abandon, no more adventure. And perhaps most importantly, no more canoodling with his favourite elfin knight. Desperate times like this call for a quest; but will they find a solution, or just more questions they never thought to ask?"

I went out to find my soul - @flightinflame​ - 52k, M

“Agent Cjelli has been trapped in Blackwing ever since the Rowdy Four escaped, taking project Lamia with them. Being assigned a new case, in which a Patrick Spring has asked for him specifically, is his chance to prove to Blackwing that he is still on their side. Until he meets his future self, and his future self's best friend, and he's suddenly not at all sure which side he is on.”

Your Heart, Found at Last - @gallantrejoinder​ - WIP, G, Dirk/Todd, Farah/Tina, Amanda/Martin, AU

“Dirk Gently is the name Svlad Cjelli gave himself at eight years old, when his mother died, leaving him in the care of his cruel stepfather, Lord Priest. Dirk dreams of the day he will be free of his stepfather at last.

His Royal Highness, Todd Brotzman, is the crown prince of France. But to outsiders, he's just an irresponsible and reckless young man avoiding his duty. Nobody knows that Todd does everything he does to protect his younger sister - and he dreams of the day he no longer has to hold onto this burden alone.

Her Royal Highness, Amanda Brotzman, is a princess of France. She's far more interested in a life of danger and excitement than sitting around in a castle all day. She's dreaming of the day she can be free.

Hugo Friedkin, the adopted son of Lord Priest, doesn't know to whom he owes his loyalty. He dreams of the day he'll understand everything.

These four are set to collide, and the outcome could be disastrous - or, it could be everything that they've been dreaming of all along.”

you're the closest thing to heaven (the earth has ever shown) - kekinkawaii | @zigostia​ - 35k, T, Dirk/Todd, AU

“Dirk Gently is an angel. No, actually. But he’s not a particularly good one, so it comes as quite the surprise when he gets assigned a prayer. Especially when said prayer turns out to be a plea, one that asks for Todd Brotzman to be… happier. What the hell does that even mean?

Todd is a headache wrapped in an enigma, but Dirk is adamant to make him crack. With the help of Todd’s sister, Dirk uncovers facts about Todd’s troubling past, but how much of what Amanda knows is true? Not only that, Dirk's own less-than-idyllic history is rapidly creeping up on the two of them. Dirk’s going to need a lot more Post-It notes for this.”

And I Love Him - Khoshekh42 | @pangolinwithproblems​ - 19.5k, M, Dirk/Todd

“It sounds odd to say that Todd was happy not an hour after learning that Priest had pulled strings and was trying to get Dirk deported back to Romania, but it was true. He knew that it was technically illegal to exploit the system and marry his best friend for the purpose of keeping him in the country, but Todd was punk. Fuck the system, fuck Priest, and fuck the universe.

And hey, if keeping Dirk in the country meant getting to marry him, then Todd wasn't going to complain. However, things start to get sticky as many secrets are told, kept, and uncovered, and Todd begins to wonder whether this was a good idea after all.”

Heat Stroke - Lynds | @gold-from-straw​ - 2k, T, Dirk/Todd

“As the day gets hotter and the water runs out, Dirk finds it harder to remember where he is, and what's going on. Todd's irritability turns into a threat, and all he wants to do is make sure he stays strong so that Riggins and Priest don't come punish him for being weak and ill. Or: Dirk gets slightly delirious from heat stroke, dehydration and panic, and Todd is Not Good at Feelings.”

Fear is Only In Your Mind - @triffidsandcuckoos​ - 11k, M, Dirk/Todd

“The universe has found a body for communicating. Todd Brotzman is having really weird dreams. An innate connection to the universe means reality isn't quite what it seems for everyone else.”

Further fic recs | Fic bookmarks

[mintchocolateleaves]

Locked Out The Other Side (1/?)

Summary: At the end of the day, Jake isn’t brave, or an adventurer. He wants to be, but he is not. He is just a sixteen-year-old boy who wants to go home, Or, on Earth-C, Jake can't find himself settling down in the same way others do. So, he decides to head somewhere that seems more like home. His own, personal adventure.

Notes: You guys KNEW THIS WAS COMING. I mention reading HS, you all should have known. Okay so essentially, I love Jake. I wanna write a lot for him. If tumblr’s being a pain then here’s an [AO3 Link]

Jake isn’t exactly sure what he’s expecting the moment he opens his eyes, but honestly, it’s not this. He’s not expecting to wake up halfway across the tiny village they now call home, with goosebumps on his arms and eyes staring up at the stars. He’s pretty sure he should be back in his new room, the one that’s bare of any movie posters, and not in the cold of the evening.

Although really, he says that it’s cold, but frankly, it’s not that much. Not really.

Sure, goosebumps are rising up his skin, but that doesn’t mean he’s not comfortable, lying here and staring up. It’s nice knowing that he’s one of the reasons these stars exist now, except, well, not really, he didn’t really do anything and Jake knows that and-

Oh.

Maybe lying down here looking up at the stars isn’t so comfortable after all.

He pushes himself up, blinks as he rubs at his eyes and checks to see if his phone is in his pocket. In the past, he used to text mainly with his skull-top helmet, but now that seems kind of… silly. And impractical.

Nowadays it’s just him and his phone, and honestly, Jake is surprised when pushing into his pocket shows that he does, in fact, have his phone on him. For a moment it was a little nice to think maybe, in the depths of the evening, it had been just him.

Still, his phone is here, still mostly charged, and so he takes the opportunity to check Pesterchum. He wouldn’t want to be ignoring anybody, because honestly, he’s probably a bit too skilled at ignoring people and that’s not a skill he should be condoning.

Honestly, he shouldn’t be surprised that there are none.

He scrolls down and there are messages from the day before, all of them answered in quick succession because else the same tightness in his chest would return. A message from John mentioning how they’re hosting a movie night and wouldn’t it be cool if Jake joined them? A quick hello from Roxy asking if he was going to explore a little bit with her, Jane and Dirk.

Both rejected.

It’s not that Jake doesn’t want to watch any movies, but the idea of getting together in a big group kind of leaves him feeling kind of… strange. Like, he’d probably be so focused on not making a huge fool of himself that he’d end up making a fool of himself – and even then, he wouldn’t even be watching the movie.

He’d told John maybe another time. Maybe they could watch movies with just the two of them? He kind of thinks that’d be nice.

And the whole Roxy exploration idea? Gee, it’d be cool and all, he’s always loved exploring but well. Jane hates him, and Dirk was so mad at him when they broke up and honestly, most days he thinks Roxy’s only being nice to him because she’s like, pitying him and just being polite.

His phone buzzes.

-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 04:21 --

GG: hi jake!!!

GG: couldnt sleep either huh

GT: Not really.

GG: that sucks :(

GG: i cant really sleep either so i was just tending to the plants were growing

GG: have you been to the green house yet

GT: Not yet.

GG: its pretty cool im growing pumpkins again

GG: remember in our letters how i was always losing pumpkins

GG: i recently found out that it was roxy who was taking them shes really cool :)

GT: Yeah.

GG: hey jake are you okay you dont seem okay :(

GT: Gosh jade i didn't mean to worry you!!

GT: I'm actually feeling quite merry right now!

GT: I woke up because it's a bit chilly in here so i'm going to get nice and toasty and head back to sleep.

GT: Sorry i can't stay and talk but an adventurer needs his sleep you know!!

GT: until tomorrow jade!

-- golgothasTerror [GT] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 04:24 --

GG: ok

GG: :(

GG: im worried about you jake

GG: ill talk to you tomorrow

-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 04:31 ----

 Jake slips his phone back into his pocket, pushing himself up so he can hug his knees. Now that he’s firmly not looking at the sky and the stars, he’s staring out past their village, to the trees that seem to loom over them.

He’s not sure whether they loom because they’re so large, or whether it’s because recently he’s been feeling pretty small.

Jake isn’t entirely sure, but he doesn’t really think the difference is that large anyway, so not knowing is fine. Adventurers don’t mind not knowing things, and Jake is an adventurer, even if he’s not really been doing much of that recently.

Breathing out a sigh, he blinks again.

Funny how since they’ve come to Earth-C they’ve all pretty much stayed in the same area. Sure, they adventure out sometimes – like Roxy and the others, they’d been fine with looking around the immediate vicinity – but he doesn’t think that they’ve gone any further than a few miles.

Maybe because they’ve got a home here, and there’s no point searching for anything else when they’ve already got that.

The only thing is, with the busyness of this entire place, the amount of people – human, troll or carapace – Jake doesn’t really consider this place to be home. He’s got a room, and he’s got his own space, but home isn’t…

Home isn’t this.

It is secluded, hidden away on an island that is purely his. It’s overgrown vines and mystic ruins, isolation and seclusion. It’s having the space to be on his own without ever feeling like he’s trying to hide away.

Disappearing is something Jake’s been trying to do recently. He’s not altogether good at it, but he’s not bad at it.

Really, it’s not that he wants to disappear, but rather: Jake wants what he’s wanted since their session ended, since it even began, and that’s just… to go home. Earth C is so foreign to what he’s used to, that most days he thinks that maybe everything he’s remembering is gone for good.

Actually, that isn’t a half bad idea.

If it’s impossible to feel settled here, in his bare room and isolated state, nervousness swimming through him – then why doesn’t he try to find the home he remembers? This new earth is similar in a lot of ways, so he reckons he could find at least something resembling the pacific island he’d lived on.

And if he can find it, then surely, he can… settle there.

It’s not like this place is really tying him down. He doesn’t know most of the people living here well enough to be tied to them, and those he does know? Roxy, Jane, Dirk…

Well, then they have their space from him. He wouldn’t want the lot of them to be anymore pestered by him than they already have.

It’d be an adventure.

And adventurer would definitely go for it. They’d map out the lands they explored, take note of the terrains as they search for the treasure that they’re certain is out there. They’d explore everything, they’d see places that they’d never been before and goddammit, maybe Jake hasn’t been an adventurer in a while but he-

He kind of wishes he could be one now.

He wishes he believed in himself enough to be one, to take that first step and grab everything he needs, to let everyone know that he’s going to find something great, past this village that they’re trying to raise. Jake wishes he was brave enough for that.

But he’s come to realise that honestly, he feels more like a fake, feels more like a coward than anyone brave, so he doesn’t. He doesn’t have the courage to let everyone know, to be an adventurer who gets to go on some sort of quest.

At the end of the day, Jake isn’t brave, or an adventurer. He wants to be, but he is not.

He is just a sixteen-year-old boy who wants to go home.

And that want is all he needs to decide to head out in search of it. It is not an adventure. It’s not some miraculous journey for him to find himself, or anything. It’s just Jake, and his head, and the thought that maybe things will feel a little better when he’s home.

-

It is a bright morning, the skies holding no clouds in sight, and Roxy Lalonde is ready for action.

She’s got a lot of plans in action for today, actually, because the sun is bright and although she’s late to push herself out of bed, she’s got things to do.

Most of the things are similar to yesterday. Help build a little more of the village up, help Jane with some baking, spend some time drawing with Callie. But today – today Roxy has a brand-new plan that she’s been musing over for a while.

Well, it’s more something she’d tried in a different way before, but today she’s pushing the issue. No longer will she skirt around it.

Roxy is going to find a way to bring their friendship group together again.

She’s been trying to subtly bring them altogether for a while now, and frankly, it’s been harder than she’d expected. Well – not really. The motion has been mostly a success.

Callie has integrated into the group easily enough, which has been amazing. And Jane has become much more comfortable talking with Dirk again, which is even better, because Roxy had been lowkey worried that their mutual affections would cause some bittersweet rivalry.

And Roxy herself, has managed to get over the big, awkward crush she’d tried to force onto Dirk in the past, managed to move past to a point where their conversations don’t seem as strained anymore.

There’s only one person that they’re missing and that’s Jake.

Roxy isn’t a fool, she knows when someone is dodging her attempts to bring everyone together, and Jake has been doing just that. He’s kind of a shut-in to be honest, turning down all of her promises for adventure before she even has the chance to emphasise how awesome they’re going to be.

But enough is enough.

Today is the day.

Roxy’s got her game on and she’s going to drag Jake out on an adventure with them today, whether he wants to or not. Even if he throws a tantrum and the entire day goes horribly for it, she doesn’t care.

They’re going to hang out because how else are they supposed to get over all the things they’ve said and done to each other as a group. She won’t let him remain idle while the rest of the universe moves on.

No throwing away of friendships today, no, no.

Jake lives near the end of the village, on the side nearer to the river than the forest. It’s not that far a distance from where Roxy herself lives, so she settles on walking, letting her kitten, Frigglish the second, pad along beside her for some exercise.

“Let’s go get Jake,” she says to the cat, leaning down to run her fingers through soft fur, grinning as the cat follows beside her. “This is going to be so, frickin’ sweet.”

 -- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] started pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 11:05 --

TG: janey

TG: adventrue today!!!

TG: *adventure

TG: be ready okay

GG: Alright, see you soon! :B

GG: Cupcakes?

TG: hells yeah <3

-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] stopped pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 11:09 --

 -- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] started pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 11:10 --

TG: di-stri!!!

TG: ur adventurin wit/ us today right??

TG: u cant say no

TT: If I can’t say no, then isn’t the answer yes?

TG: exactly!!

TG: see u there

-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] stopped pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 11:14 --

 -- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] started pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 11:15 --

TG: jakey-boiii

-- golgothasTerror is now an idle chum! --

TG: dammit jake

TG: were draggin you out of isolation

TG: this is a prison break

TG: we wont take no for an answer

-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] stopped pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 11:16 --]

 “You know what Frigglish the second,” Roxy says, glancing down at her cat as it pads along beside her, coming to a stop just outside the door to Jake’s house. “I think this adventure is going to be pretty epic.”

Frigglish the second lets out a small mewl that Roxy takes as agreement. Then, he lets out a second mewl that’s a slightly different pitch. Roxy implies the meaning to be one of, knock on the door already.

Roxy does.

Knuckles rapping on the door, she offers three sharp knocks, waiting for the any signs of life behind the door. She doesn’t know much about Jake’s sleeping habits recently, but she doesn’t think he’d still be asleep at eleven in the morning. He’d always seemed like more of an early bird.

“Jake!” She knocks again, this time, several more raps echoing a jingle she remembers enjoying before they’d played Sburb. “Jakey, open the door, we’re going on an adventure!”

Jake does not open the door.

Fine, if he wants to play things that way, Roxy thinks, then she’ll just up her game. She’s not a rogue of the void for nothing.

Closing her eyes, Roxy visualises the object she wants in her mind, fingers tingling slightly as she tries to bring the object into existence. It doesn’t take too long until she feels the object plop into her hand, corporeal and weighty.

“Last chance Jake,” Roxy calls, opening her eyes again. There is no movement. “Fine, I’m coming in.”

Taking the object she’s conjured, she lifts it up to the door handle. It’s a key, brass coloured, and it fits within the hole almost as if it were the real thing. Maybe because with her powers, it pretty much is.

The door unlocks with a faint click, and Roxy pushes it open, wincing slightly at the creak. Jake’s really got to put that on his to-do list, creaks like that belong in a horror movie or something.

“Jake?”

She searches through the rooms individually, glancing around. Some areas are messier than others, but most importantly, they’re all empty. No life in sight other than Roxy and her cat.

Jake is gone.

[golgoterror]

Alright, this is ungodly long, but I just wanted to talk about something regarding Jake. 

A lot of this fandom -- at least, from what I’ve seen -- label Jake as stupid. Some may even say Jake and smart are antonyms. This could not be further from the truth. It almost irritates me how much the fandom places this mischaracterization on him. Also, I get to talk about The Lad™ for about ten pages worth of words on Google docs, which is always very, very fun for me.

Well, first things first, let’s talk about the child genius and multi-billionaire polymath that is Jake English.

Puzzle Modus.

Let’s begin with something small. Jake’s modus is of puzzlekind! This is described as:

It's quite a handy modus, allowing you to captchalogue objects of any size, as long as you can fit them all in a finite space by maneuvering the cards around like a big game of Tetris. You like it because it keeps you sharp for solving any puzzles you might find when you go out raiding hallowed tombs, which is never. (x)

He likes puzzles! This is a huge headcanon I absolutely adore that has a basis in the comic: He’s a puzzles guy! This is just sort of a neat little fact about him that I adore to the moon and back. Just the idea of Jake fiddling about with a Rubik’s Cube is kind of adorable.

This is how he goes about doing everything every day of his life. I think that’s just amazing! And incredibly smart of him, I might add.

Skaianet. 

Jake is shown in the credits to take over Skaianet after the game ended. For those unfamiliar, Skaianet made many things for the game, including but not limited to: the interstellar travel we see, transportalizers, the lab by Rose’s house, all Jake’s fancy-schmancy computers, and Sburb itself. In the beta timeline, Grandpa Harley founded Skaianet. In the alpha timeline, Grandma English did. I know Jake didn’t start it up and trying to pass off his alt-timeline self as him is a bit far-fetched at best, but he had the spoons to take it over. I think that speaks volumes for Jake’s intelligence -- this implies, at the very least, he can understand mathematics and physics at a high level. Remind you of someone we already know?

It is also important to note that Jake does, in fact, build the company back from the ground up, because it went to shit before his grandmother died:

GT: Pretty sure her company made a tidy fortune til it went belly up. At least i still have a few of her knickknacks for keepsakes. (x)

So he built an interstellar company back up -- using what his intelligent grandmother had once used -- to being very useful and practical once again. 

As someone with a degree in mathematics and about to finish a degree in physics, I can say this sort of work would for sure require at the very least a decent understanding of quantum mechanics, statistical mechanics, electrodynamics, calculus (vector and differential forms), ordinary and partial differential equations, and perhaps other things like topology. I don’t know about you -- and I’m probably tooting my own horn a bit by saying this -- but I think that’s pretty nifty, if I do say so myself. 

Actor.

Once again, I’m reaching into the credits to show that Jake has become a movie star after the game ends. Memorizing all those lines, slipping into characters... Being an actor is no easy feat. 

( Side note: This leads into my headcanon that Jake can imitate accents and voices on a whim. No more arguing about whether he has a British, American, or Australian accent -- you’re all right! )

And I would like to add he has two jobs! Skaianet and being a movie star! This guy’s a fucking polymath for Christ’s sake.

Reading People.

Let’s start of simple: Brain Ghost Dirk. I can hear the outcries now of Dirk’s powers being the cause for this. And, yes, I can’t ignore Dirk’s influence in this, but Jake’s hope powers were also needed for the projection to come alive. And the fact he was able to make such a startlingly accurate projecting of Dirk in his own mind is astounding -- even BGD himself thinks so!

TT: You could view me as a projection of the real Dirk within your mind, as expressed through all of your thought patterns about him. TT: So I'm kind of a splinter of his corporeal self who happens to live in your awareness. TT: I'm a startlingly close approximation to the real thing, for all intents and purposes. GT: Just how startlingly close are we talking? TT: I'm not going to give you a bogus percentage like the glasses cause that's not my shtick. TT: But pretty damn close. (x)

A very deep understanding of the other is needed for Jake to do this. That is pretty fucking incredible. He can clearly read people really well -- he had a few times where he was cluing in on Jane and Dirk have feelings for him:

TG: its one of those things jane likes about u so much GT: It is? TG: which TG: errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr im not supposed to talk about 2 u evr so nm GT: Talk about what? TG: nope GT: You mean how um... GT: Well a way in which i suppose... TG: no nope GT: Jane is prone to looking upon me with what i fathom to be more than just friendly affection? (x)

TT: I guess call it an extra birthday present. But instead of a present that's awesome, consider it more like a weird confession that may change the way you feel about me. GT: Whoa uh... GT: Dirk are you... uh... GT: Saying what i think? (x)

He’s not completely clueless on people! In fact, he seems to have a really good understanding of his friends. That’s something a lot of people seem to forget because of the incident that I will be getting to later on.

Fending For Himself.

I’ve already written quite a bit on this, but I’ll sum it up here: Jake is exceptionally good at living in the wild and taking care of himself. Sort of like a wild garden; he doesn’t need to be taken care of. Survival skills, especially around fighting and fending off things, aren’t something everyone has. This, once again, counts in his favour, even if it doesn’t line-up with “book smarts”.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

That’s five things! It’s clear Jake is, in fact, a polymath and incredibly intelligent. So, what’s with the fandom painting him as being dumb? What’s with people actually thinking he’s stupid? I think we can all take several wild guesses as to why that’s the case.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Takes things literally.

This is something that plagues Jake quite a lot. Case in point:

GT: Wow like the epic kevin costner film? TT: Almost exactly. Especially by the same degree of shittiness. GT: Oh man does that mean you have to drink your own pee?????? TT: You get used to the taste. Welcome it, even. TT: That takes about 15 days in a row of hard piss drinking though. GT: Ewwwwwwwwwwww no dude. No ew. :( TT: Relax, I don't drink any goddamn piss, ok? GT: Oh ok. Whew. (x)

But, well, let’s address the elephant in the room. The chat I laughed so hard at when I read it the first time due to pure, unadulterated second-hand embarrassment: Jake asking Jane if she had feelings for him.

Let’s analyze this, shall we? Jake starts off by being vague as all Hell, and I’ll spare those details, until finally...

GT: Just come out and say it. Do you fancy me? GG: No! GT: I see. GT: Very well then. GT: Jeez i mustve really misread that one! I feel like kind of a bone head now. (x / x)

Okay, she says no, and he backs off. That’s fine and dand--

GG: No!!!!!! GG: Oh my God, what am I saying here? GG: Jake, I didn't mean it! I didn't want to make you feel that way! GT: Now jane lets not backpedal here. GT: Youve spoken the truth and i greatly appreciate and respect you for that. GT: But now that i think about it you know what? GG: ... GG: No? :( GT: Please dont take this the wrong way but your answer is actually kind of a relief! (x)

... Oh, right. Yeah. It keeps going. It just keeps--

GT: Actually since youve made your feelings apparent and only see me as a friend that makes it a lot easier! GG: Haha, yes! GG: Friends!!!! GT: Maybe you could help me sort out some stuff that has been weighing on me lately? GG: Well what are friends for Jake!!!!! (x)

Sweet Jesus, Jake.

GG: Me? GG: HOO HOO HOO! GG: I'm just GG: Terrific! GG: I'm feeling so... GG: Friendly!!! GG: I clearly just want to be a good friend and bring all my AMAZING FRIENDLINESS to bear on your problems. GG: Friendlystyle! Ahahahah? GG: Shit I mean GG: Ahahahah! GT: Thats aces. Jane youre a sweetheart. (x)

Alright, alright, enough! You all remember the fucking chat. 

Regardless, it’s very apparent Jake takes things at face value. I also will cite him talking to Jane before her birthday, but not list examples, because what happened above will just happen once again. 

Okay, so he takes things at face value. What’s wrong with that? He trusts people to not lie to his face -- to not sugarcoat things or beat around any bushes. Perhaps I’m projecting a bit, but I do the same damn thing. I think a lot of people do! I don’t think reading things as fact over text is a good measure of someone’s intellect. All it does is show he has issues with communication. Okay, so he struggles with one thing. Sue me.

Doesn’t catch things right away.

Yeah okay I’m just gonna dump a few examples of this.

GT: Haha wow. Must have been a hell of a guy. TT: So... TT: You're not making any connections there? GT: Where? Huh? TT: Famous comedian, about the age of your grandma, inheriting the family name of the Baroness... TT: Not ringing a bell? GT: What are you talking about! Dirk stop speaking in riddles and keep telling the story i am on tenterhooks here! TT: Ok, well it's not like it's that important. Just a super obvious thing that'll probably occur to you later when you're looking in the fridge you don't have, at which point you'll feel like an idiot. GT: Oh my god you can be one opaque motherfucker just clue me in bro! TT: Nah, it'll be funnier this way. GT: STRIIIIIIDEEEERRRRRRRR!!!!! TT: Moving on. (x)

GT: Whats going on? TT: Took you long enough to figure it out. TT: Pages really are a slow burning class. Damn. GT: Figure what out! TT: You're asleep. (x)

This leads into the point above. His mind doesn’t work that way -- but that doesn’t mean he’s not intelligent. He needs everything laid out in front of him so he can make the connections and understand what’s happening, but there’s no real harm in this, and it certainly doesn’t dictate whether the guy is “intelligent” or not.

There are many, many more examples in canon depicting Jake as having difficulties with communication and you all can open most of his pesterlogs and probably find one. I’m not going to list anymore. But, hold your horses, I swear I’m getting to a point!

Difficulty reading.

A lot of the media Jake consumes is picture-based. Movies, comics, even the puzzles are most likely spacial and probably not riddles. It’s not far to imagine Jake might not be a terribly good reader, considering nobody was really around to make him read. Of course, his grandmother was around when he was little, so he can read -- and he can read just fine. But he probably isn’t very good at it simply from lack of practice. He also has terrible grammar, something Jane picks on him for, so it’s entirely possible that’s a contributing factor. He may just have trouble reading and writing.

Speaking from experience, I have dyslexia. As such, reading and writing are incredibly hard for me. I never read the books in my literature classes -- both in English and French -- but I did get the gist of the books (enough to get a decent mark in the class at least) by watching a movie adaptation of the novel. I don’t think it’s that far-off to think Jake may, indeed, do the same thing.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

NOTE: This next part is a bit hard for me to write, because I don’t want to vilify any of you. It might not have clued in on anyone or maybe you just saw Jake as a sort of comic relief and meant no harm by it. And I hope shining a light on this will make you all think twice about the guy. However, I can’t really avoid this next part, and I may get a bit emotional in it. Just a bit of a warning.

All of the above points are just me trying to say Jake probably has undiagnosed learning disabilities and perhaps autism. I don’t think I need to go into detail about how those don’t make someone “stupid”. If you think that’s the case, fuck you. I can’t argue with ableists, much less do I actually want to. 

NOTE: I wrote a thing on his speech impediments. That may be of interest too. I don’t really know, but here it is nonetheless.

My take-away message here is: just because someone struggles with socialization or other things doesn’t mean fucking anything in terms of their intelligence. Jake is very clearly smart and has the ability to read people incredibly well -- to the point of making copies of them! Perhaps it’s just a bit easy to underestimate the guy compared to other characters, though.

There are other things that muddy this up a bit, unfortunately.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Trolling.

Jake is such a fucking troll. Jesus shitting Christ, does he get a kick out of acting stupid just to make the other person look silly. Or perhaps even to make himself laugh in the process. Case in point:

uu: I WILL JUST BE YOUR PATRON DUDE. uu: OR MAYBE. YOUR PATRON MANBRO. GT: Sounds pretty gay. uu: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? GT: Whats what? uu: GAY. WHAT'S GAY YOU IDIOT FUCK. GT: Oh right. GT: Forgive me i forget you arent familiar with all of my earth lingo. GT: Its like... GT: How do i explain. GT: You know. Its a rather old fashioned term for being jolly and festive together. GT: Like "that rollicking time we had scrumming the other eve sure was gay." uu: I SEE. uu: THEN YES. YOU ARE CORRECT. uu: THIS IS GOING TO BE GAY AS HELL. (x)

Look at his goddamn face during this exchange:

That little bastard knows exactly what he’s doing. 

And these aren’t stand-alone events! Jake is very, very silly and will use the fact others see him as stupid to have a little fun. May as well, right? And, in the process, he makes others look pretty damn stupid. 

But sometimes it’s a bit hard to tell when he’s acting stupid against when he’s genuinely not getting something. I think he even fools himself sometimes! So you have to be a bit careful about fake-outs. I’m sure even the other alphas have trouble deducing when he’s doing this -- which only adds to the myth of him actually being “stupid” when viewed on first-glace.

He probably also does this with crushes, purposefully ignoring the signs because he doesn’t want to deal with it or may not believe anyone could like him that way. After all, if he’s wrong, he may think himself to be conceded and having a big head. So, he ignores the signs, thus convincing himself the feelings aren’t there. Then he gets absolutely fucking bamboozled beyond belief to find out they actually do like him. But that’s just a little side-note.

Thinks he’s stupid.

This one is just a bit... Sad. Very sad. Jake genuinely does think he’s stupid. Quite a lot, really. 

GT: I shoulda asked where he fit into the picture if you were raised alone. I can be dumb as a bag of penny candy sometimes. (x)

Just... Man, he’s been called and treated as stupid so many times, he’s at the point where he believes it. If you asked him, he’d say Dirk is a genius, Roxy is always smart and sassy, and Jane is brilliant. (I don’t have a source for that last one but... Come on. She lectures him about grammar. Don’t fuck with me.) But when it comes to himself? He can’t say the same. Of course he then acts that way. He sees himself as a burly adventurer who is also a gentleman and tries to live up to that. No where along those lines does he think he’s intelligent. And that’s just... a little heartbreaking, really, all things considered.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Can’t believe this blog is just me going, “Wanna see how fast I can talk about Jake?”, and a shit-ton of people all nodding before I talk for six hours straight. Anyway, take-home message is: Jake’s smart. Jake’s very, very smart. He’s also a himbo, but he’s incredibly smart. Just because he has learning disabilities doesn’t mean fuck-all. 

Thank you for coming to my TedTalk. There are drinks and refreshments in the back. Have a safe trip home. Remember to tip your waiters and waitresses. Jesus fuck can I run this gag any harder into the ground? Giving me language was a mistake. No but, really, if you read this whole damn thing, thank you! I hope this was as fun to read as it was to write.