#okee dokee and I am off

[inumbrapugnabimus-maybe]

Four NO

From this post by @crazylittlejester

[autisticlancemcclain]

“Al-righty.” Shiro hums merrily to himself as he puts the car in park and holds the keys out to Keith. “Here we go.”

Keith stares at them. Shiro’s hand remains where it is, keys dangling from the key ring around his finger. His expectant look leaves Keith at a total loss.

“Did you drive me out here to murder me?” Keith asks eventually, finally breaking the building silence. He looks pointedly out the windshield, where all that is visible for miles and miles is the desert.

Shiro snorts. “Yep. You ate the last ramen pack one too many times. Time to meet your end.” He reaches over with his other hand and grabs one of Keith’s, gently prying his fist open and placing the keys into them. “No, I’m not here to murder you, doofus. That would be a horrible idea. I don’t have an alibi.”

Keith refuses to laugh at that. It’s not funny and also Keith has been warned about letting Shiro think he’s funny. It can only lead to more dad jokes, or worse. “These are your car keys,” he says, gingerly holding the objects in question.

“Yes,” Shiro says.

“Context clues imply that you are asking me to drive your car.”

“Mhm.”

“I am thirteen years of age.”

“Yep.”

“We met, famously, because I stole your car. This very car, in fact. And crashed it.”

“Correct.”

Keith blinks slowly at him. His amused expression does not shift. Keith’s not sure how else to spell things out for him, so he just shrugs. He’s not about to say no to getting a chance to drive. How many other thirteen year olds can say that a legal, licensed adult took them out to drive?

“Okay.”

He steps out of the car, Shiro quickly vacating his own seat as well. He stands outside the driver’s side as Keith settles back in behind the wheel, leaning his torso through the open window.

“Okay,” he starts, voice taking on the same instructional quality he uses to lecture. “First step: seatbelt. You know this.”

Keith dutifully buckles himself in.

“Excellent. Now you can adjust your seat — levers on the underside there, yeah. You want to be able to easily touch the pedals, but when you fully straighten your arms, they should only go to the steering wheel. You’re a little too close.” He reaches down and guides Keith’s hand along the lever, helping him push the seat back slightly. “There, perfect. See you you can reach everything, but you have lots of space to move? That’s perfect. Fix your posture, though.”

“Does that help with visibility?” Keith questions, figuring a straight back will make it easier to see over the wheel.

“Nah, I just don’t like it when you slouch. Moving on.”

Shiro quickly runs through the rest of the set up with him — adjusting his mirrors, making sure he knows where all levers and signals are, testing the brake lights. Once he’s satisfied that Keith has a general idea where everything is, he jogs over to the passenger seat and climbs in.

“Okee dokee,” he says as he flicks through radio stations so fast you can barely even hear the first couple notes. He pauses after a moment, eyes flicking to Keith, then clicks back a couple stations, finally settling on a country station playing an old Johnny Cash song. “Start the engine.”

Keith does. The old car sputters for a second, then roars to life.

“Good! Drive!”

Keith looks at him in alarm. “What? Just — go?”

Shiro grins, wide and cheeky. “Go!”

Keith doesn’t need anymore encouragement. He steps on the gas, and the car careens forward at top speeds, shooting a cloud of red dust behind them. Shiro whoops, turning the song up louder.

The wind blows loud and fast through the open windows, competing with the blasting music and whipping Keith’s hair all around his face. He gets sand in his eyes more times than he can count, but he doesn’t dare take his hands off the wheel, just blinks it away as fast as he can. He watches the speedometer climb past forty, fifty, sixty, and his belly swoops every time they ricochet up a hole and go careening back down. Every so often Shiro calls out instructions — “Look at your mirrors and your blind spot before you make turns! Foot off the gas for the first half of the turn, then accelerate through the end of it! Don’t cross your arms over the wheel! Listen to the car so you know when to shift gears!” — sometimes a little too late. Keith stalls the car more than once. He also, at one point, swerves to avoid a cactus that seems to appear out of nowhere.

But Shiro never asks him to stop. Never has him pull over, never screams at him for messing up, never chides him about his speed (which, he might add, is entirely reasonable). He only grips the ceiling handle and cheers Keith on, whooping every time they hit a bump. He only calls out words of encouragement, smiling big and proud, cheering Keith on til he’s smiling just as wide.

For the first time since he lost his Pa, Keith feels like someone wants to see him happy.

[the-writer-nerd-ro]

Part 1 of my HDL birthday fic. The other part will be out in the next few days

Birthday Plans

D: Any fun plans for today?

It was seven in the morning and Dewey was sitting in the cockpit of the Sunchaser on his birthday. Della was bringing coffee but Dewey was still a little tired. There was a different kind of tiredness that had settled in his bones as he thought about spending his birthday away from his brothers. He didn’t expect either of them to be awake but he thought he would shoot them a text before he started flying.

H: I wish. I have a bunch of tests tomorrow so I have to study all day today. But tomorrow after my tests, my friends and I are going out for belated birthday drinks.

D: Tell the bartender it’s your birthday and get free belated birthday drinks

H: I’m not going to lie, it’s against the JWG

D: You’re 24. You’re not a Junior Woodchuck anymore.

H: You’re right.

H: I’m a Senior Woodchuck.

L: Do you guys ever sleep???

D: It’s 7 AM

L: Yeah, it’s 7 AM, you should be asleep

D: What are your plans today, Lou?

L: Boyd is visiting after I get off work and we’re going to spend the rest of the day together

H: Aww, adorable.

D: Sappy

L: Anyway, what are you doing today, Dewdrop?

D: Doing a flight with mom and then cake with some of the fam later

H: Have fun, eat a slice of cake for me.

D: Will do

L: Your present should be in the mail. Yours too, Hue.

D: You didn’t have to get me anything

L: Yeah, but I feel bad that we can’t be together today. It feels weird.

D: It does feel weird

H: I miss you guys

Dewey set down his phone, blinking back tears. He hadn’t wanted to get emotional this morning but he was having a hard time holding it together if Huey was throwing around, “I miss you,” and Louie was commenting on how weird things were.

To avoid addressing his emotions Dewey found a gif of a dancing baby that said happy birthday. That was enough to start a gif chain that moved them away from heavy emotions.

“You okay, sweetheart?” Della asked, offering her son a cup of coffee, and taking in his bummed-out expression.

“Yeah, just texting Huey and Louie.”

Della nodded somberly, “It’s hard being apart from them, isn’t it?”

Dewey was trying his hardest not to get choked up.

“I shouldn’t be so dramatic. They’re just a few hours away, and we’re meeting up in a couple of weeks after Huey’s done with finals.”

“But today’s your birthday. It’s okay if you miss them extra hard today. Your feelings are valid.”

“It’s our first birthday apart,” Dewey whispered.

“I know how hard that can be,” Dell said, wrapping an arm around his shoulders.

“Mom? Does it get easier?”

“A little. But the time apart makes the time together so much better. And you get to do one barrel roll in the Sunchaser on your birthday.”

“I should get to do 24 barrel rolls because it’s my 24th birthday.”

“Don’t push it, buddy.”

Huey had a coffee and an English muffin (toasted, lightly buttered) and was one flashcard away from a breakdown. He was exhausted, which was not the way you wanted to spend your 24th Birthday.

Everything was always happening all at once. Huey probably wouldn’t have remembered it was his birthday until Dewey had texted him earlier. He’d fussed about lying to an imaginary bartender but had had no qualms lying to his brothers. There were no friends taking him out for belated birthday drinks. No one here knew him intimately enough to know his birthday.

Texts would roll in all day from the family and friends who he desperately missed, wishing him a pleasant day and asking him about his fabricated plans. He was almost in tears every time he furthered this delusion that he had people here, that he was not just a loser alone on his birthday. How pathetic would that be? When Dewey was with their family and Louie was with his boyfriend. Huey’s chest ached about the fact he was the only one alone.

Fenton was the only one who called him out on his lie.

F: What’re you doing for your birthday, Huey?

H: I have to study today but I’m getting drinks with some friends tomorrow.

F: Oh, nice.

F: So you finally made some friends over there?

Huey wished that he hadn’t ranted to his mentor about how incredibly difficult it was to find time to make friends.

H: ...No

F: So who are you drinking with?

H: Nobody

F: Drinking alone, then? Maybe call a car to get home.

H: I’m not drinking alone

F: So you just lied to me?

H: Not just you?

Fenton stopped responding for a few minutes and Huey felt devastated. He hadn’t wanted to lie to his loved ones but he hadn’t wanted them to pity him either. And now he had to deal with guilt on top of all the exhaustion.

F: So you’re all alone on your birthday?

H: I guess I am

F: I see why you wouldn’t want to talk about that

F: But you didn’t need to lie

H: It’s too late now, I already told everyone that I’d be drinking with friends tomorrow.

F: Well, I don’t have any plans tomorrow. Team Science reunion?

H: Team Science reunion

Huey felt a bit better about his birthday, grateful that Fenton had reached out. He still missed his brothers though. He decided to text them both one more time today before he went back to studying, though he decided to text them separately this time.

H: Have a safe flight, Dewey.

D: Thanks, bro. Good luck studying

H: Thanks

He decided to text Louie later since he’d been tired and he wasn’t fun to talk to when he was tired. And then, swamped with studying, he promptly forgot until dinner.

H: Hey! I hope you had a good day at work and that you and Boyd have fun today. A responsible amount of fun.

L: Lol I’ll tell Boyd that the arson is canceled

H: No arson, but you could still probably make S’mores. Boyd’s really good at that.

L: I get it, you’re both Senior Woodchucks. Hey, do something nice for yourself today, okay? Don’t just study yourself to death.

H: ...Okay. Thanks, Lou

“Who’re you texting?” Boyd asked, already making himself comfortable on Louie’s couch.

“Huey. He told us to have fun. And to not commit arson.”

“I wasn’t gonna commit arson on purpose, were you going to commit arson?”

“Well, it’s my birthday, and you did bring cupcakes and candles.”

“Mm, those are more fun if you blow them out instead of letting them burn. How’s Huey doing anyway? Fenton just texted me about him.”

“I’m afraid he’s overworking himself,” Louie admitted, “But that’s just Huey’s nature. I'm not especially surprised.”

"That's the vibe I got too. Fenton asked me if I wanted to go get drinks with him and Huey tomorrow so that he doesn't have to be alone."

“Whoa,” Louie said, eyes widening.

“What?”

“Huey must’ve lied about having plans with his school friends tomorrow.”

“Aw. Well, you would’ve done the same thing. Huey probably just didn’t want you guys to worry. A classic Louie move.”

Louie frowned deeply.

"Hey, babe, do you ever get the sense you're doing the wrong thing?"

"Elaborate?"

"Well, I took this internship, to you know, pull myself up by my bootstraps. Be my own person."

"I'm really proud of you for that."

"Yeah, well… Being my own person sucks. I've always been one in a set of three. And it feels like recently someone ripped the "Do not separate" sticker off and I hate it."

"Hm… Do you want to come and get drinks with me tomorrow?"

"Getting wasted won't help. I've tried and alcohol doesn't fill that hole."

"I know, I've carried you home before. But I mean do you want to go get drinks with me and your brother? We could surprise Huey."

"Hey… That's not such a bad idea. I need to make a call."

“I’ll light your cupcakes on fire,” Boyd said cheerfully.

“No fair, starting the arson without me,” Louie laughed, as he pulled up the texts from the morning and tapping on Dewey’s number.

“Oh, hey! Hey, Louie, hold on, guys Louie’s on the phone, we gotta sing again!”

Louie laughed, cringing a little in anticipation of the awkwardness as his family began a staticky and muffled rendition of Happy Birthday.

“Thanks, guys, means a lot to me. Dewey, can I talk to you for a moment?”

“Sure, sure, let me just step outside,” A moment later Dewey’s voice came back, “What’s up?”

“Are you busy tomorrow?”

“Uh, not sure, why?”

“Well, it seems like Hubert lied about his birthday plans. Apparently, there were never any friends he was gonna go drinking with, so Fenton decided to drop by and he wanted to bring Boyd and Boyd thought it was a good idea if I tagged along. So what if we surprise Huey? He’s been working really hard at med school- hell, we’ve all been working really hard. What do you say?”

Dewey was silent for a minute and then Louie heard a laugh (Or was it a sob?) on the other end.

“Man, I’ve missed you guys so much. I’d love to do that. Let’s set something up, mm-kay?”

“Yeah. Boyd! Text Fenton and tell him that me and Dewey are gonna come surprise Huey, we’ll figure it out from there.”

“Okee dokee,” Boyd said cheerfully, putting an alarming amount of candles (probably 24) in one cupcake.

“I have to go, Dewey, I’m afraid that Boyd is about to set my apartment on fire without me, but I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow! Enjoy your fire hazard and your boyfriend.”

“Those are the same thing, Dewey.”

“Then enjoy your fire boyfriend. Boyfire? I dunno.”

“He is pretty fire, isn’t he? Bye, Dewey.”

“Bye!”

“Boyd if you light that you’ll coat that cupcake in so much wax it’ll be disgusting and that’s just a waste of a good cupcake.”

“Then I’ll eat that one. I’m an android I’m not as picky about what is and isn’t cupcake.”

“Sometimes, fortunately not often but sometimes, you remind me so much of Dewey that it’s terrifying.”

“Do you still love me?” Boyd asked, squinting a little and laser lighting the candles. As Louie had assumed it quickly became a soupy, fiery mess.

“More than words can express,” Louie said, capturing Boyd’s lips in a kiss after extinguishing the cupcake.

“Did you make a wish, baby?” Boyd asked, holding Louie close by the hips.

“I don’t need to, everything is going to be okay. In fact, I think that everything is going to be… Perfect.”

“Happy Birthday…”

[cowboyjen68]

that one ask you got wasn’t transphobic because she said she isn’t attracted to trans women (although you don’t always know when a girl is or is not trans and if you’re attracted to her when you thought she was cis and not after you know she’s trans is indeed transphobic and if she has a vag there is no way to blame it on not liking penises), it was transphobic because she said that it’s impossible for a lesbian to be attracted to a trans women. trans women are women plain and simple. (1/)

hey are not men and it is transphobic to say they practice “performative gender,” have “male bodies,” liken being attracted to them to conversion therapy, and say they cannot be desired by lesbians. that’s an extremely binary and transphobic way of thinking of trans people. some lesbians have problems with penises, and that’s ok, but what isn’t ok is to reduce trans women with penises to that part of their body 

2/)or their “pheromones” or whatever and justify blatant transphobia by saying that it’s a matter of personal preference. you are not always going to know who is trans and who is not, indeed many straight men and gay women date trans women and are still their sexuality, first of all, and second of all, a trans woman’s worth is not defined by someone’s ability to be attracted to her. writing it off as not being able to be attracted to trans women is a dangerous generalization bc it normalizes (3/)

not only the idea that trans people are undesirable, but also that it’s ok in the least to reduce them to their genitalia or to even suggest that they are always going to be whatever they were assigned at birth. lesbians can be and are attracted to trans women. it’s up to those who aren’t to examine why, because it’s not that they have “male pheromones” or penises. 

(4/)some of them are on estrogen which changes pheromones and some of them have vaginas. it’s because of transphobia and the ingrained otherment of trans women. this isn’t policing someone’s sexuality, this is calling out of dangerous rhetoric that contributes to more violent transphobia whether or not you have trans friends (5/5 fin.)

soo. honestly.. I am have had a shit month and a REALLY shitty couple of weeks. And I am exhausted and sad and experiencing heartbreak and loss and fear and uncertainty all at once.  Like life altering terrible.  So I will do my best to answer this. 

I can only speak from my experience.  I am not trans, nor in any way gender dysphoric.  I don’t have a degree in gender studies. I proclaim zero expertiese on gender or transgender issues.. hence my speaking partner who handles that information. 

I do align my sexuality and my gender with people who were genetically and biologically born with my same sex traits.  NOW.. as I have stated. I have no idea if I have ever been phyicially attracted to a trans person..because I have not dated anyone who is trans.. I know this because I have had sex with all of the women I have dated.. which is not many…  I never said it was impossible nor did I say their attractiveness had one single rats ass to do with their validity or right to be happy, healthy and safe.

Lesbians defining their own sexuality is well with in their rights. If they only want a vagina that is all original parts that is not transphobic,, but to say lesbians can’t be same sex and gender attracted feels homophobic to me.  

I don’t  claim to have immunity because I have trans friends.  Far from it. But I do make the effort to bring them to every table I sit at out in the community so their voice can be heard.  The deal is.. they agree to hear my voice.  

If a lesbian wishes to define herself as a lesbian and date a transwomen.. okee dokee.  FIne with me.. I don’t own the rights nor do I really care what her partner has in her pants. NONE of my business. If a trans person tells me they are a woman.. good enough for me.. I don’t need an explaination nor disclaimers nor a run down of what is under the hood.  Same goes for me.. If I say I am a lesbian.. done. .end of converstation. Let’s all go get some vegan tacos and bitch about Trump.    I don’t need to define that further. It is just unneceassary for casual interaction.  

If I started to fall for someone then found out they have a penis, that is likely a deal breaker for me.. One, yes…partially to societal pressure that lesbians don’t like penis. That is a giant barrier I likely could not break through. I am one hundred percent willing to admit that.  I can’t lie and say.. I’d get over it.. I wouldn’t  want to start that relationship on unfairly shakey ground.  Not if I truly cared. And secondly, and mostily, because penises just don’t turn me on. I don’t like them on me, in me or a touching me. AND if the person is post op? Can’t give you an answer.. for me personally I don’t have any clue if I would be arroused.. never been in that situation.. I literally have no way to know.  

The conversion therapy part comes into play because many lesbians.. and I know this is unpopluar but it is true for many and a fact is a fact, just don’t like nor want to like a penis no matter who has it.. Lesbians to the far end of the same sex trait and same gender attraction exist.  I am one.. as far as I have experienced.  I don’t owe anyone to say otherwise. It would be disingenuous at best.  

I don’t hate transpeople.. I am not afraid of transpeople. I support their right to exist, to be happy and loved and I support people who id as lesbians to date anyone they want. If you can fucking meet someone, fall in love and have mind blowing passionate sex.. then god damn well do it because such a thing is a rare and wonderful.

I love vaginas and breasts that are part of the original body.. I just do.. I don’t have any interest in finding out otherwise.. but ALSO don’t feel the need to announce that every where I go.  

You ask me to examine why?  I admitted above some of that is due to societal and community pressure, but by in large you are correct.. IT IS UP TO ME and I choose to not really look into it because right now I have no reason to question my sexuality and natural attraction. Should a situation arrive where It would warrant a closer look I can still choose to delve deeper or not and that is my choice.  I don’t owe anyone an examination of how i define my lesbianism… just like no one owes me one as to how they define theirs.

[orville-j-clutchpopper]

Ok. I have another question for my well-educated mutuals:

So I was watching a clip from the Senate hearing where Sen. Paul was reading the riot act to that Xavier feller. In the middle of his speech, he mentioned again this concept we've discussed so much lately about "bodily autonomy"; the right to decide for ourselves what we inject into our bodies.

My question is this: Why NOW? NOW we have a problem with being told what medicines/vaccines to take. What about all those years (since even i was a kid, and when my own kids were in school) where you had to be "up to date" with your shots or you couldn't attend school or participate in sports, for example. I didn't hear a lot of people complain then. Oh, there were a few, but they were brushed off as tin foil hat anti-vaxxers and the like. But most didn't complain about being FORCED to take the vaccines.

Do not misunderstand; I am not an anti-vaxxer. I know perfectly well that these vaccines were tested and proved over years; thus the acceptance (the fact that my youngest daughter developed mercury poisoning from a round of shots, and now has a very mild case of Aspergers is a subject for a different day).

Sorry to make this so long winded; just wanted to set the table. I'm just generally curious as to why NOW we have a problem with the mandates, when previous mandates were okee dokee.

[ladyacadementia]

Good thing it’s my rest day cuz there is no way I’m going out for a run in that. In February? Sure! March? Okee dokes! April? Please kindly fuck off. This winter thing is getting on my nerves. We’re already in month 6 of snow and I am so, so done.

image/gif

[rainbowchibbit]

a-specs are cishet at best and at worst poison to our community, Deleriousfromcoffee is no different why do you care?? I used to like you now you're ace/aro too? it's a fucking ploy to get more followers, get out of our community.

*cracks knuckles* Okee doke I was going into a meeting when I got this but now I’m done for the day so here we go!

Listen up, anon.

I dunno where you are in the community but I think you need to take a step back because this whole statement of yours? Is heteronormative at best and both homophobic and transphobic at worst so I think you might be the poison, actually.

Let’s break this down. “A-specs are cishet at best” so just because someone isn’t sexually and/or romantically attracted to someone that makes them cis AND heterosexual?

First of all, heterosexuality is the attraction to the opposite gender. By definition. So people on the ace spectrum are literally not heterosexual. Literally. And to say that “well if you’re not gay you’re straight” is the most heteronormative ignorant bullshit I’ve ever heard in my entire life.

Second of all, there are trans ace people??? And homoromantic/biromantic/panromantic aces so what the fuck???

You’re literally acting like the very people the LGBT+ community stands up against. You don’t want people to treat you like a second class citizen because of your sexuality or your gender identity–so don’t turn around and be that asshole to people on the ace spectrum?? The absolute fuck?

Like boy howdy you need to do a lot of fucking soul searching. If you’re thinking of saying ace people aren’t oppressed–wow look what you’re doing right the fuck now. There’s a long history of aces in the LGBT+ community AND their struggles that they have to deal with from both outside AND inside the community. Mainstream LGBT groups are accepting of a-spec people but there’s some ridiculous backlash that a-spec people aren’t LGBT ~ENOUGH~ to be part of the community.

“Deleriousfromcoffee is no different why do you care??” This is such a fucking scary awful sentiment? You’re treating a HUMAN BEING a living person with FEELINGS like garbage just because of their sexuality you don’t think they have the right to feel like a part of a community made up of people who are LITERALLY FIGHTING TO BE THOUGHT OF AS HUMAN BEINGS FOR THEIR SEXUALITY???? Are you??? Seriously not getting why your attitude is super fucking toxic and hypocritical??? I don’t care how old or young you are, your words can damage people and this whole culture of anonymous hatred freeing you of responsibility has to stop because you forget you’re dealing with a real human being on the other side of the screen. It’s easy to demonize them and say and call them terrible things because you don’t have to see their face, cause they’re just an icon to you. That’s heartless and YOU are the problem. YOUR words and YOUR attitude are poison.

“I used to like you now you’re ace/aro too? it’s a fucking ploy to get more followers, get out of our community.” This is the funniest fucking thing I’ve ever read. I had “ace” in my blog description for years, thought I was aro too, added that, but recently took aro off because I am now dating my NONBINARY & ACE SIGNIFICANT OTHER who you called cishet and poison by definition of being a-spec so lmao FUCK you.

“A ploy to get more followers” wat. Who the fuck would think being ace would get you followers? Lmfao I put it in my description to discourage people from HITTING ON ME SEXUALLY. Like, man, drawing edgy skeletons got me followers, not being ace. And if I lose followers, i mean, I love my followers but if they decided they need to unfollow me for whatever reason okay! I’ve never cared about number of followers enough to “be ace/aro too” as some ploy. Lmao be ace/aro. Like it’s some like decision I made. Like it’s a choice and I’m choosing to be this way–OH WAIT THATS WHAT PEOPLE USE AS AN ARGUMENT AGAINST LGBT PEOPLE!!!

Fuck you. This is my community too and @deleriousfromcoffee ’s and every single other aro/ace who wants to be part of the LGBTQIA+ community. I’m staying and you can piss off.

[junker-town]

Can Shaquil Barrett really keep kicking this much ass for the Bucs?

Shaquill Barrett recorded four sacks and two forced fumbles against the Giants.

Shaquil Barrett is a back-to-back Hoss of the Week because his four-sack performance against the Giants simply can’t be ignored.

I don’t necessarily love to name the same player as Hoss of the Week two weeks in a row. For one, I feel weird repeating all the same things I just wrote. For two, I also like to spread the love around when possible, especially with so many different guys turning in good-to-great defensive line performances on a weekly basis. If two players have exceptional games that are similar in impact by my totally arbitrary gut feeling after watching them on tape, I will usually try to pick the one that I had never written about before.

But sometimes a guy will follow up a great performance with one where he goes berserk, and there’s simply no way to ignore it. And why would I, when my goal is to pick the most deserving defensive lineman every week?

I swear at one point while watching the game live that Buccaneers edge rusher, and reigning Hoss recipient, Shaquil Barrett’s uniform was going to start glowing like an old-school NBA Jam character because that dude was on fire!

Well, actually, that dude has been on fire ever since the regular season first started. He did, however, damn near reach inferno status against the Giants in Week 3. In the second half of that game, he went to another level as a pass rusher.

Barrett turned in one of the best performances a Buccaneers DL has ever had

I am sorry to report is that after reviewing the film, one thing evident to me is that the Giants don’t read my Hoss column every week (but maybe they should start!). I say that because they came into the game woefully unprepared to deal with Barrett’s pass-rush ability, even though we all know I wrote about him embarrassing the Panthers’ left tackle in my Hoss column just last week.

So, instead of sending extra attention Barrett’s way to try to slow him down on passing downs, the Giants’ coaching staff decided it would be a much better idea to leave their left tackle, Nate Solder, out there on an island one-on-one with Barrett for most the game. An interesting choice to be sure, and one that damn near cost them the game.

Just picture Barrett as a hot knife and Solder as room temperature butter and you will have a pretty good visual representation of how that matchup went all game long.

In the end, the Giants were pull out a one-point road victory over the Bucs, despite Barrett’s best efforts. However, without the big plays he made, it’s very likely the game wouldn’t have even been close in the fourth quarter to begin with. The guy had one of the best pass rushing games from any edge rusher I’ve seen in quite a while.

Not only did Barrett get to Giants rookie first-round quarterback Daniel Jones early and often, he was also able to force a couple of turnovers with his pressure as well. That the Bucs squandered his epic performance is certainly par for the course for that team over the last decade or so. That still doesn’t diminish his individual production.

I’m going to break down three of Barrett’s outstanding plays from Sunday, and once I’m done I think you will agree.

Let’s start off with Barrett’s first sack of the day.

Play No. 1: Barrett barreled through two guys to force Jones to fumble

The Bucs were up 18-10 with 2:22 left in the first half. The Giants had the ball and Jones had just completed a 15-yard pass to Darius Slayton from their own 30-yard line. Now they had a first-and-10.

Jones was lined up in the shotgun, with running back Wayne Gallman to his right. Barrett was lined up on the defensive right edge in a standup six-technique, head up on Giants tight end Evan Engram. When the ball was snapped, Engram didn’t waste any time and went up the field immediately into his route. He did absolutely nothing to try to impede Barrett’s route to the quarterback, not even a stutter step to try to freeze him. In fact, Engram quickly took an inside track to try to avoid Barrett.

With Engram taking off right away, it fell to Solder to try to block Barrett one-on-one on a true dropback pass. Just like the week before, Barrett made the Giants pay for that lack of respect. He shot up the field a little wide, forcing Solder to try to get width so that he didn’t get beaten immediately around the edge. Getting that kind of width so fast played right into Barrett’s hands, however.

As he approached the widening Solder, Barrett chopped his feet to get Solder to stop his. Solder braced to shoot his punch, but Barrett quickly swatted Solder’s inside (right) hand with his inside (left) hand, and simultaneously crossed his feet over to get inside of Solder. He followed through with a nice rip move with his outside (right) arm through Solder’s inside half.

While all this was going on, Bucs defensive tackle Vita Vea, who started off lined up in a three-technique outside of Giants left guard Will Hernandez, was executing an inside move of his own and trying to get push in the A gap between Hernandez and the Giants center Jon Halapio. This is important, because Hernandez initially following Vea inside is what helped to create the opening inside of Solder that allowed Barrett to slide through. Hernandez was helping out Halapio with Vea, but when he peeped Barrett heading toward his quarterback, Hernandez tried to slide back outside to help.

It was too late.

Barrett was able to see Hernandez coming. He reacted quickly by ripping with his inside (left) arm through Hernandez’s outside (left) arm. Yes, that does mean Barrett ended up ripping through Solder and Hernandez at the same time just to get to Jones. Now that’s what I call determination.

He was already close to the quarterback by that time, so Barrett swung his left arm through to try to separate the ball out of Jones hands.

Barrett was successful in his endeavor and his teammate Carl Nassib was able to recover the fumble to give the Bucs the ball on the Giants’ 41-yard line.

The Bucs would end up going right down the field and scoring a touchdown to go up 25-10 before halftime. Yeah, I would definitely call that a big play.

Next, I want to take a look at one of the pressures Barrett had later on in the game.

Play No. 2: Barrett hit Solder with a cold-ass spin move

By the middle of the third quarter, the Bucs’ lead had been whittled down to a measly three points, 28-25. The Giants were still fighting, but they found themselves facing a second-and-15 from their own 34-yard line. The Giants were again in shotgun with Gallman offset to Jones’ right, but this time Engram was lined up on the defense’s left edge.

I see the look on your face. Yes, that does mean they left Solder completely on an island with Barrett this time.

Fucking mistake!*

*in case you have forgotten this great quote from one of my favorite pass rushers Pernell McPhee

After the ball was snapped, Barrett took two good hard steps upfield just to get Solder to kickstep back, then Barrett’s spin move had Solder looking like he was sporting cement shoes. When I say that was a textbook spin move, it just doesn’t get any better than what Barrett’s pulled off here.

He threw his inside (left) arm out to bait Solder into throwing his punch, then Barrett used his inside hand to half chop/half shove Solder’s fully extended inside (right) while planting his outside foot to push him back inside in a pirouette motion. Barrett showed off great foot work, gaining ground with what had been his inside foot as he completed his spin.

The best part, for me at least, is that Barrett was on the details throughout the move and finished it off by using his outside (right) arm to follow through and bar Solder from recovering and getting his inside hand back on Barrett.

Because of that little detail Barrett was able to come scot-free without Solder being able to grab him from behind. Barrett maximized the opportunity by finishing the quarterback and delivering a jarring blow to Jones from behind.

The force of the blow made the ball come out of Jones’ hand funny as he tried to deliver a pass downfield, so the officials initially ruled it to be another fumble. However, on replay the call was overturned and ruled an incompletion.

That still goes down as a pressure for Barrett in my book. And, maybe more importantly, it was another good hit on a young quarterback that might have, in theory, helped to rattle him and get him more worried about the pass rush than reading the coverages.

I will note that on the very next play, Jones was a little indecisive and ended up getting sacked by Nassib, leading to a punt. I will also note that it appears Jones was trying to throw the ball to Bennie Fowler, who was open on a 10-yard curl.

Finally, let’s take a look at Barrett’s fourth and final sack of the game as another instance of him serving up Solder an old-fashioned ass-kicking.

Play No. 3: Barrett gave Solder the ol’ okee doke to force another fumble

The Buccaneers were still clinging to that three-point lead with 10:36 left to go in the game. The Giants had just intercepted a Jameis Winston pass intended for Mike Evans, who was having himself a day in his own right. New York had a second-and-9 from its own 40-yard line when Barrett decided to make another statement.

Jones was lined up in the gun, but this time Gallman was offset to his left and Engram was lined up on the left as well. Barrett was back in a standup nine-technique right on the outside edge of Engram and ready to pounce.

I feel like I should mention that at this point in the game Barrett already had three sacks. And, as a reminder, that’s after he notched three sacks the week prior against the Panthers. You would think even if his production hadn’t caught the Giants’ attention prior to that point, surely now they would send some more help Solder’s way.

Yeah, you might think that. But it turns out the Giants were committed to being hard-headed all game, and for that, Solder and Jones paid the price.

Once again, Engram went right out into his route without so much as a quick glance in Barrett’s direction. Gallman was lined up on Barrett’s side before the snap, so he was in great position to chip him should anyone have asked him to. Evidently nobody asked him to because instead, Gallman checked inside for blitz first, then actually went around Barrett to try to avoid him so Gallman could sneak out on a route.

Now you might be wondering by what circumstances would Gallman have had to avoid Barrett in the first place. Well, I’m glad you asked.

See, this time, Barrett got Solder with what Webster’s defines as the “okee doke.”

On the snap, Barrett got off the ball and made everything look almost exactly like it was when he won with the inside move I discussed earlier. He got wide to bait Solder into coming out to get him, then Barrett once again chopped his feet and used his inside (left) hand to swat Solder’s inside (right) hand as Barrett stepped inside.

Solder was determined not to get beat inside again, so he immediately flipped his feet to try to recover and ride Barrett all the way inside and past the quarterback. Unfortunately for Solder, Barrett was never actually planning on finishing that inside move in the first place.

Instead, when Solder tried to step down hard inside, Barrett planted his inside foot and calmly side-stepped him back outside. They were like two ships passing in the night and Solder had so much momentum going inside that he had no shot of recovering. To finish off the move, Barrett clubbed Solder’s outside (left) shoulder with his outside (right) arm to make sure Solder continued on inside and couldn’t step back outside to try to catch up to Barrett.

Solder ended up so out of whack that he had to try to butt block Barrett to try to keep him off of Jones. It was a futile effort. Just as Jones tried to cock back and throw, Barrett dipped, turned the corner tight, then laid out and swiped at the ball with his right hand to force another fumble.

The ball came loose on the Bucs’ side of the line of scrimmage, where it took one big bounce before it was recovered by Barrett’s teammate, defensive tackle Rakeem Nunez-Roches.

The recovery gave the Bucs the ball at the Giants’ 47-yard line. They would go on to kick a field goal on the ensuing drive to expand the lead up to six points, 31-25. The lead didn’t last, but that doesn’t change the fact that Barrett was partially responsible for that lead existing in the first place.

Barrett won’t set records every week, but he can absolutely keep wrecking fools

Losing the way the Bucs did on Sunday, on a missed last-second, chip shot field goal had to be soul crushing for the whole team. (They could’ve not taken a dumbass penalty, then insulted every one’s intelligence after the game with the horseshit excuse that they “meant to do that,” and instead taken at least one shot to the end zone with 13 seconds left and a timeout in their back pocket, rather than putting all the hopes for victory on a rookie kicker. But I digress.)

That’s especially the case for Barrett. He had a career day only to see it ruined in a way that I’m sure made it hard for him to even celebrate his own accomplishments.

While losing does suck, there wasn’t a chance in hell I was going to pretend the Barrett didn’t show out on Sunday.

Let’s run the list. In that loss, Barrett tied the Buccaneers team record for sacks in a game with four and he also tied the record for forced fumbles in a game with two. Right now, he is leading the league in sacks with eight for the year. In the history of the NFL only one other player has notched eight sacks in his first three games of the season, and that guy just so happened to go on to set what was then the NFL sack record for a season with 22.

(It was Mark Gastineau if you aren’t familiar.)

(But, seriously, Google is right there.)

I know that sacks tend to come in bunches, so I’m not going to be “on pace” guy, but it’s safe to say Barrett has placed himself firmly in rarefied air with his play so far this year.

And if you are trying to hate and say “he hasn’t played anybody,” I just want to you to think real hard and try to name the dominant offensive tackles in the league right now. There aren’t that many of them and even fewer that show up on the Bucs’ schedule the rest of the season. Barrett also pass rushes well from either edge, so those teams are going to need excellent left and right tackles to try to hold him back and that still might not be enough. Seriously, at least chip the guy for your quarterback’s sake.

I tried to tell y’all last week that the guy isn’t a fluke. He isn’t getting all these sacks because of Todd Bowles’ scheming, or pass protection breakdowns as you can see from my columns. Barrett is going out there and beating people’s ass to get them. But don’t even worry about it because from what I’ve seen, if teams continue being stupid enough to single-block him, Barrett will keep making a believer out of all y’all on a weekly basis.

The crazy thing is, last Friday morning I was almost positive that I would be writing about Calais Campbell this week. The All-Pro defensive lineman had a monster game for Jacksonville in a win over Tennessee on Thursday Night Football. It was hard for me to even imagine anyone would have a more dominant pass-rushing performance than Campbell over the weekend, but Shaquil Barrett sure made a damn liar out of me.

With his four sacks, two caused fumbles, four other tackles including a tackle for a loss, two other pressures, and two other hits on the quarterback, Barrett had the kind of game against the Giants most defensive linemen can only dream about. For his efforts, I am happy to name him Hoss of the Week for the second week in a row.

If he can stay healthy, we might all just have to get used to writing and reading about this guy on a regular basis for the rest of this season, at the very least.

[the-firebird69]

and I am your husband Biollante and I too have a stake in this...need me out alive as well.  you are contrary to that goal in other words flee I can leave now. no you cannot we need to delve here....for a while.  Biollante ok why. Kraken deep holes near you under you Biollante good enough for me but if im here the holes stay too, Shai Hulud Kraken I am here, and ready to go on that one buddy.  and I hear you we are ugly as sin and it is distasteful to ours too.  we will ck and work now actually Shai Hulud and im valuable ok Hera please I knw that and stop w the illicit illegal fake videos ppl may think your trump lol Kraken you say that and it is trump who does and you laugh at me abut I know who I am and your in trouble coming for your job....um Hera but I tought we had a deal Zues ok bright eyes I get it Hera  okee dokee and then my car gets carried off Zues

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38AYeNGjqg0

[dailyaudiobible]

02/18/2019 DAB Transcript

Leviticus 6:1-7:27, Mark 3:7-30, Psalms 37:1-11, Proverbs 10:3-4

Welcome to the Daily Audio Bible. I am absolutely, positively not Brian, but I am the other, I guess, I’m the other half of Brian since the two of us are one. I am Brian's wife, Jill, for those of you that are new this year. Welcome to this amazing community led by an amazing man. I have watched my husband go from word reader, Bible reader, to theologian to lover of God's word and I am immensely…I am one immensely proud wife. Welcome to a new day, to a new mercy, and a new living breathing word. It is truly an honor to be here with you. I know how seriously Brian takes this, I see what he does every day, day in day out, no matter where he’s at. So, it is truly an honor that he has entrusted me with this mantel of carrying the word. We are reading today, starting in the Old Testament, the Christian Standard Bible translation on this 18th day of February, and we begin in Leviticus 6:1 and we're reading through verse…I’m sorry…chapter 7 verse 27. And we will see what kind of names he has left for me.

Commentary:

Every day this community gets Brian's explanations at the end of this. He’s become this theologian, this deep historian, and this man that can explain the Bible and interpret in a way that just makes it clear and understandable, which is…it’s just such a gift. Many of you like me have said, “I’ve tried to read the Bible through…I mean…I was even a junior Bible quiz student growing up in my church and just didn't understand Scripture. And the way that Brian explains it and delivers it is so beautiful and so rich and its such a gift and I feel bad that you're stuck with me today. So, my offering today, where I see myself in the Scripture is in the passage in Mark. I find myself all too well relating to the scribes who walk into a situation where Jesus is casting out demons, demonic spirits, and even knows what's about to happen so He tells the disciples to have the boat ready and before long here come the scribes. And I, with conviction, say that I ashamedly find myself with the scribes. And here's what I mean by that. When the natural mind cannot comprehend what fits into our religious confinements, when we do not understand outside the parameters of our belief system, and if it doesn't fit into our theology and our denominational confinements, boy, we like to call it the work of the enemy, don’t we? If we can't understand it, it must not be holy, it must not be God. And, so, if it's not of God it is automatically of the enemy. And I think so often we find ourselves, I find myself, blaming God for things He is not responsible for and blaming the enemy for things that God might be actually a part of. But in this particular Scripture  it is the work of the enemy and Jesus is taking it upon himself and casting out demons and the scribes come down and they insert their personal opinion and their personal belief system which we do so many times in so many of the wrong places. And Jesus responds in a way that only He can. He responds to them with a question and I hear the conviction in my own heart as the question is presented, “how can Satan drive out Satan? If a kingdom is divided against itself that kingdom cannot stand. If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand. You know, we often pin that quote to the speech that Abraham Lincoln gave often forgetting Jesus himself said it first. And it's so true. When my husband and I are not on the same page in parenting our kids can detect it and they’ll utilize it in their favor, right? We often reference that in government but what about this statement to be true in our churches. And if we go a little bit further inward let’s look into our homes. And if we were to go in just a little bit deeper, what if we look into our own lives?

Prayer:

So Jesus, we invite You into all of the places that we do not understand with our natural mind, we invite You, Holy Spirit, to bring understanding and direction and counsel and guidance and we can do that so much more clearly when we stop and give room for pause and room for breathe and room for You to speak into that which we do not understand, but we must create space for You to speak. And we can do that so much more effectively if we will stop before we jump to assumptions, before we make our conclusions, before we reach for our religious rules and boundaries and parameters and confinements and restraints and allow You to do what You do, which is guide us, counsel us, direct us, correct us, break us outside of our comfort zones and break us outside into deeper waters as You call us into the deep. So, Father would You forgive us where we have inserted our own personal preferences and opinions of what we think we already know. And when we do that we allow You to come and show us more of what we don't know, that we need to know and give us a longing to know You more. How I long to know You more. Give us Your eyes to see, Your ears to hear, and Your mind, give us the mind of Christ. We love You. We are so grateful for all that You are, all that You've done, all that You have not done because You know better and all that You are yet to do. In the name of the Father and of the son and of the Holy Spirit.

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com, that is the main place. Keep the main thing the main thing. That's the main thing. Everything else that you need to know about the Daily Audio Bible, it is there. That is the main page. Of course, we are all over social media. Daily Audio Bible social media page, Facebook, Instagram, and we also have the Daily Audio Bible women's page where we offer daily encouragement in just being a woman. And we also have the More Gathering Facebook page. So, if you are attending the More Gathering page and you have not liked that yet, I encourage you to do so. If you do not you will miss the daily posts that go out and we will be posting important information there for you guys. We’ll be posting the worship songs that you can start listening and learning and agreeing with the messages that we will be doing through song and worship and some other important information that is coming up as well as we get closer to the gathering itself.

If you have ever been to Israel, but really, really, really long to go. It's not your time to go. I would encourage you to follow the social media pages on their journey. They will give you as close of an in-depth look as you possibly can through virtually being there through social media. And I am personally asking you to cover the team while they are there. I was there a few years ago with Ezekiel and I knew it was a hardship for my husband and for Mike who goes and assists and all of the other people that are there working but I had no idea the depth of the trip, especially for Brian. It is…he will not tell you this…it's grueling for him. And, so, especially starting off with jetlag. There's no way to get around that and the responsibilities that he has to do to keep the Bible read fresh while he's there and all of the other demands of the trip. So, please, please cover him in prayer as he goes and the rest of the team and all that are on the journey and the pilgrimage. I say this almost every time I get behind the mic but it is your prayers that sustain our family and this community and I cannot, cannot highlight the magnitude of what I just said. I would have to give you stories and that would take time, but your prayers are the sustenance and the wind that keep this ship assail for lack of a better analogy…well…I guess…to keep a fire burning you have to have a little bit of wind to pick up that…to keep that fire, that ember burning. And when it’s about to die, when the wind picks up you’re gonna have a good frame. So, thank you for your prayers as always. Thank you for being a community that truly prays and cares for one another. It is…it's beautiful to see you bear one another's burdens. And I think sometimes the tendency is to think if Brian could just pray for me know...if, you know, if that pastor, if that evangelist could just pray for me all will be well. If they could just hear my story. It's not physically…here’s the bitter cold truth. It’s not physically possible for Brian and I to meet all of the demands and the needs of this community. It is possible for all of us to do it for all of us together and you all do it beautifully, absolutely beautifully. So, thank you from the bottom of our hearts for doing what we can't. And we can't…it's not because we don't want to…it’s that we are physically incapable of doing all that there is to do and we do a lot throughout the day and it seems like, you know, we could very much get thrown into the idea that there's not enough time in the day. There is exactly enough time in the day. We just have to manage it well. So, thank you sincerely for picking up where we leave off and for being the beautiful body of Christ. It is truly one of the most breathtaking parts of this community and we are grateful. Okee dokee shmoecky, that's it for today. I think Brian will be back with you tomorrow. Until then, that’s it for me today. I’m Jill. Love one another.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Good morning Daily Audio Bible, my name is Chris, I’m calling because my wife struggles with infertility and because I am an obstetrician I sought and obtained a donor which led to a frozen embryo. Maybe I did not seek God’s will long enough, but my wife was against adoption. Maybe I did not insist in her receiving counseling prior to doing this treatment but afterwards her behavior was definitely strange. Anyway, our son was born in 2015. Then in 2017 a job opportunity came up and my wife seemed excited because it meant security for our family. We prayed about and then we went and moved three hours away without her at first but only to give her a little time but not for more than a few weeks. Well, she barely came during that transition, but she did come to choose our new home and then she disappeared. I found her months later and she refused to __ my file custody of my son and she trumped me by signing for a divorce. Since then she’s claimed that she was counseling and has placed the divorce on hold but she’s still withholding my son and denying access even against courts orders. I have an attorney but he’s very slow. It’s now been one year since she’s filed for divorce and longer since she ran off with my son. Please pray that she’ll do the right thing. Her name is Carla from the Hudson Valley region of New York. Her stronghold is her mind. Her mother who’s a pastor and a strong matriarchal __ family. Also, please pray for me. I’m definitely __ stronger in my walk than I need to be, pray for my mind and for my son to be returned. He’s my only son. I am my dad’s only son and my dad waited 82 years for him to be born. My son’s name is Andr...My son’s name is Andred. Thank you.

Hi family I’m just calling on behalf of Karen. You called in. I just want to start off by saying I’m very happy and grateful that you did because you had a change of heart and your seeking change. You want…you want change. You want God to work in your heart and in your life and help heal the broken places for you and your son. So, I pray for starters that this change can be made permanent, solidified. And I pray that the Spirit of God will clearly guide You on what to do next, where to go, where to change even more. And as for Your son, I pray for healing and a complete identity restoration within his mind. I lift both Karen and her son to You God and I thank You. Thank You for having her call-in. Thank You for just the work You’re doing in her life, it’s just amazing, in all of our lives. I pray for all of our lives, lift all of our lives up into Your hands, that Your will will be done in each and every one of us because we know Your will is the best and most perfect way to go. Sometimes we think, yeah, this is the right way, but I believe in Proverbs it says, “the way of a man seems right, but it ends in and leads to death. That’s so true. In so many cases in my life it’s been the case. And I pray that we can have Your wisdom and be guided by Your Spirt. You know exactly what actions to take and where no to go. Thank you. Talk to you guys soon. Bye.

Good morning, good evening, good afternoon Daily Audio Bible family. This is Andrea DeLane from Kentucky and I just wanted to share and encouragement with you today. Obviously, we’re going through and we’re hearing about the crucifixion of Jesus and His resurrection and it’s so humbling to me. It’s just like, so humbling when we really stop and meditate and think on all that Yeshua has done for us, that He’s torn down the walls of separation between us and the Father and He has, so that we can be restored to Him. And, so, this morning also in my own personal time reading the word of God, I was reading and looking up Scriptures on humility and that brought me to first Peter 5, where he’s talking about, “humble yourself, and under the mighty hand of Elohim so that He will exalt you in due time casting all your worry upon Him for He is concerned about you.” And I just had to stop there because to take that all in, that He is so concerned about us, that He loves us so much. And I just want to remind you that to cast your cares upon Him for He truly, truly cares about you. And sometimes we want to feel it, but the fact is that He’s laid Himself on a cross, stretched His arms out and said I love you. And that, is enough to know that He cares, but He is so much more bigger and broader to just come down to each of us individually and show us His love. And I pray today that you experience His love. So, I agree with you for your prayer request and I love you. Have a good day.

Hello Daily Audio Bible family, this is Michael from Mesa. It’s been a little bit since I called in. Let’s see. Basic things. Amber from California, I think, I listen on my commute so my memory is really not so great on it but I think that’s right. Going through just marriage things. I have my own Amber, and we’ve been through so so many things over our 25, 27+ years of marriage. I, you know, I’m with you there, girl. So, just to let you know I’m praying for you. Brian, trip to Israel. I’m praying for you and the team and everybody that’s going. Praying for safe travels, technology working well, and just a wonderful and blessed time. In terms of myself, I know, I would guess that, as large as this family is, there’s someone still pray for me for clients. There’s things starting to build but I have nothing solid yet. And my work hours toward the billable stuff I’m supposed to be doing is all really low right now. So, prayers that the Lord would bring some of the efforts to fruit and that I would actually have some clients. My big project, working on the __ that I’m working on is going well but it’s coming to a close to. So, I’ve gotta get the client work in. Anyway, if you all know pray for me that’d be great. Love you all so much. Every day, the voices are a blessing to me just in that as I’m commuting back and forth during the day. You’re a rich family. Love you deeply. Talk you later. Michael from Mesa.

[gingerfiend117531-blog]

Transcription 1

Hear No Evil

Voice: “Ictiva … Solus … Omishos.”

*From the darkness, a peculiar growth of noise percolates through the darkness, ethereal and unearthly*

*A voice fades in after the eerie and fairly random incantation…*

???: ... Finally got it working!  I  was afraid I’d have to ask Connor to look at this piece of junk... Suppose that’s what I get for renting a janky microphone from the library.

Now, if I just hit this button here… *Click goes the microphone* ???:  Light’s flashing…  oh wait. Damn. It totally just recorded that.

*Another Click*

(Irritated blowing of air between lips)

???: Once more. Get this thing done. Then, Ultra Violent Sisters with Panni. Breathe.

(??? Inhales, and then exhales exasperatedly)

*Adjusting sounds of a nozzle can be heard, followed by a Click, and then:*

*Silence*

???: … Nope. Nothing. Nothing is coming to me.

*Click*

???: Who wants to even listen to a weirdo talk about college in a parallel dimension. That’d just be dumb.

*Shifting and shuffling noises are heard as ??? fidgits*

???: Professor Ynori will probably think it’s stupid. But I mean; what else am I going to use trans dimensional  communication magic for anyway?

*There is a beat, a pause in soliloquy*

???: Oh, Welcome back. … What? No, don’t worry Euphrates: I wasn’t recording. And even if I was, I put a charm on the microphone so it’ll only pick up sounds from me.

(??? Snorts in response to something Euphrates suggests)

???: No, I will pass on your help. I don’t want Ynori to get on your ass for helping me out with my personal project for my screw up.

*Silence, followed by ??? chuckling*

???: Yes: exactly. “Delphius is a huge wiener!” would totally match my ‘journal’s’ aesthetic… Anyway; what are you doing back so soon from practice?

*The audience now connects that ‘???’ is symbology to represent Delphius*

(The other individual who is almost certainly attractive, and is named Euphrates, responds in the absence of noise)

Delphius: Oh, I gotcha. I’ll just check these emails and then I’ll bounce so you can have some peace…

(Delphius murmurs the summaries of emails)

Delphius: Advocates for Pixie Justice… Meatloaf in the cafeteria for dinner… Overdue assign-

DUDE! Come on!  Warn me before you take off your boxers!

(Pause, most likely a retort from Euphrates after an uncalled for outburst)

Delphius: It’s not so much the fact you’re naked in the room, as it is the fact that I don’t fancy seeing your junk. Or much less, anyone’s.

(Another cessation of speaking, perhaps the Roommate apologizing, until Delphius is heard again)

Delphius: No, I’m sorry to be a pest… Honestly I should just get over it.

(Glorious void of sound transcends all until once again broken by the Prude)

Delphius: Naw, thanks for understanding… But um… Can you keep that book covering your - Yes. Exactly. Just like that. Don’t move.

*He pauses*

Delphius: Beautiful. Now then.

*A click, not unlike the microphone’s but ever so slightly higher pitched is emitted*

(Again, Delphius is muttering under his breath, reading aloud Email-Titles.)

Delphius: Mortals of earth; hear me! I come to you with tidings of - That’s spam mail… Spam, spam, Nigerian Prince, spam…

*It is most certainly a mouse click that is heard*

(An instance of Euphrates potentially speaking to Delphius is indicated by lack of noise)

Delphius: Yuuup. Yeah, be careful. Looks like a weirdo email going around right now, probably has some kinda virus… Anyway, I’m going go to the study room to record; see you in awhile.

*Nothing can be heard for several minutes*

*A door closes, swinging on ancient hinges*

Delphius: Okee dokee.  No naked tiger roommates, just me and a boring project. Let’s do this.

*A crescendo of silence overtakes the senses*

*Click*

Delphius: Hello and welcome to Scaldor’s Grant Academy and I’m going to talk about I wanttttt…. Aaaahhhhvvvvvvv…

*Raspberry in response to the word vomit*

Delphius:  Muh. . . What should I even do for an opening? … Radio show hosts do not get enough credit for their eloquence…

*Distinct Inspiration of Respiration*

*Prominent Exhalation*

Delphius: Think ... Focus. Cheesy quote about inspiration… Onu, Sod, Sert…

Got it. Just… Think.

*A complete breath cycle*

Delphius: Divines. Guide my tongue. Unload my mind. Free my heart.

*An eternity seems to pass but in a moment before the familiar  Click is sounded*

Delphius: Across a vast, yet transient gap in reality, the world of Splinter exists as a pocket between realms. And in this little pocket, a reclusive collegiate student is struggling to pass Magicks Class. And this is his attempt at doing so. Through remedial class projects.

*Pause*

Delphius: You are mortals. And we are the Fae. You also call us monsters, cryptids, fiends, demons, spirits, and a whole grocery list of other things. But no matter what you call us, we do exist. Just not on Earth. Not anymore, since humans discovered the Fae’s secret to magic.

(There is a flicker of doubt in Delphius’ voice)

Delphius: Do humans even know about magic… ?

I mean: I’m sure you’ve been introduced to the idea of magic. I don’t really know what humans do for their education on that topic. I’ll explain, just in case.

Anything and everything considered miraculous could be called ‘magic’. Eurasian seas being parted, summoning devils to grant you omniscience, finding your missing car keys on the first attempt. That sort of thing. That is what we would and should consider ‘magical’ in nature. Makes sense? No? We’ll try another time.

Now originally, we, the Fae, were the only ones with magic. But there’s a price that comes with such power. No free lunch syndrome, I’ve  heard it called.

(Delphius  scoffs, then resumes his rant)

Delphius: Being gifted with magic, we also were given a price; our free will.

Now, that doesn’t mean we can’t go to the supermarket whenever we please, or that we can’t worship the Divines as we like. Oh no. It’s something a little more devious and subtle.

Fae have True Names. As in, a secret name that, if a Mortal or other Fae Creature discovered it, we as an individual would be totally and entirely enslaved to the holder of our True Name.  If they so chose to do so. Three guesses as to what human magi did that figured out these names? That’s right! You! The person staring at the glowing rectangle! Many Fae became the slaves of Mankind with this finding! *A clapping is heard, the noise as sarcastic as percussive noise can be made*

Delphius: With this discovery, our birthright of magic became our undoing. By binding Fae with their True Names, humans  could finally use magic. Our magic. And a lot of us over on Splinter’s side are  still very afraid of that possibility.

I don’t see it productive to be afraid, and totally blame mortals. I mean, I’m sure humans were in the right to fear humongous, terrifyingly ugly, and/or magic wielding creatures running around your neck of the woods. Frankly, I’d probably try to figure out how to get them to do what I’d want too. But all the same; the Fae of old knew that they were no longer welcome on Terra, or Earth as ‘y’all’ call it. So, we tore off a chunk of the realm of Terra,  and with it, created Splinter, where the Fae have lived ever since.

*A moment of consideration brings about a break in monologue*

Delphius: Oh, and just so you humans don’t feel like you were cheated; each and every one of you has entirely free will. Sure, there may be a possibility you have true names, but even in any books on the subject, you can’t be bound by your soul to do some weirdo sadist’s biddings. Methinks that, instead, it has something to do with contracts … I dunno; probably not important. But it only makes sense that nothing in this universe is so clean cut. Which leads me to my next talking point.

There are scars from the the creation of Splinter, and the Gap, which is space in realms between Terra and Splinter. As the ‘Scar’ implies, it’s not a clean cut.  There are still portions of our worlds that are connected. Probably for the best anyway;  it’d probably mean oblivion for the Fae if we were entirely secluded, and cut off from Terra.

Butthese scars; the Fae call them Tethers. Tethers are points where both Splinter and Terra overlap, existing in the same time and space as each other. There are other weird properties about Tethers too, but short and sweet, that’s why humans see weird crap they can’t explain. Mostly.

(There is a sucking sound, as though Delphius is biting his lip in ponderation)

Delphius: It comes to my attention the idea of tethers may be too abstract from that description. Try this approach to try and understand Tethers:

they are  Crystal Pillars. You can see through them but they also prevent the roof from falling down on your head.

(Delphius says nothing for a moment, evaluating his suggestion)

Delphius: ...  On second thought, please try to erase that from your mind and draw whatever other conclusions you want to about Tethers. It is probably much more accurate.

(An obvious cough to serve as a weak diversion is performed)

Delphius: Crappy analogies aside, the next time you see flashing, unidentified  lights randomly dancing around the sky? It’s probably some Splintarian Father playing Lazertag with his son. Mysterious footsteps in your attic? Probably a mage pacing around. Ghost finder app on your phone going nuts? … You should go get that checked out.

Did I mention that Lazertag is a professional sport here?

I will  apologize for so suddenly bringing it up, but I do think I should make it clear: I only know a few things about lazertag because of my siblings. I do not ‘sport’ as many would say. So don’t ask me the details please. It gets complicated. *Word stew is chewed about in Delphius’ mouth before the thought continues*

Delphius: … I’ll be real with you; no school facts, just me facts. I don’t do much of anything. That’s how I like it. School is boring because I hate lecture, physical activity is too draining and involves too many people, and the only reason I am doing this remedial project is so I can eventually get credit for this magic class.

Now I know what you’re probably thinking. “Magic class?! Does this mean you are getting an education in the arcane arts at a center of learning that is similar to a magnificent and copyrighted academy of the mystical? How could you not be excited?!”

Yes, no, and quite simply are my answers, and in this order. I can try to explain my college some other time, but I assure you; if I actually get this recording approved, you’ll be disappointed. There are not many ‘whimsical’ things to discover in the eternal labyrinth in the basement. Far from it.

Really? School time means studying for biology, praying you get a  pass on  your English paper, and hoping that blob of brown goo you concocted in Homemaker’s Alchemy is not Caustic to skin.

So I’ll share the short story for now: Skalder’s University. It is one of the major magical universities of Splinter. I attend Skalder’s. Our mascot is a Toad so I am a Warter.  So are my moms... they are Alumni.

*A distinct gurgling and gnashing of teeth can be heard, as well as an apprehensive “Hmmm…”*

Delphius: My friends, are Warters if they attend Skalders. Skalder’s is an ancient school, dusty old people and faculty: you’ll probably never see it because humans should stay out of Splinter. Because of previously mentioned issues and prejudices. *Bitter chuckling*

Delphius: So now here’s the kicker; why bother paying ludicrous amounts of drachma to attend a stuffy school that doesn’t even offer your major of interest? The instruments.

The incredible amount of thaumaturgical instruments available to students is astounding. With these tools, I can perform research on …

(A notable pause. Delphius seems hesitant to continue his statement, but relinquishes his thought)

Delphius:  Research the mortal world. Which, in my eyes, seems so much more interesting than anything magic could offer.

(Deliberate silence meant for building suspense is shattered just as suddenly as appearing)

Delphius: I mean, think about it! Humans serve as the role models for our language and customs in Splinter. And we’ve taken so many ideas from you guys: and I want to just know more about you. And I can do that while I’m at Skalders. There’s not a chance at  home cause I couldn’t afford the instruments or equipment. Heck; even if I could, I’d probably just waste my time with a hand down my pants watching Kitsune Frenzy Force Versus the Kappa Commandos.

Now I know this sounds like a bad idea, being so interested in humans while I’m a Fae being. But I assure you; I’m not planning on trading my voice to a sea witch or some weird deal like that. I think I’ve heard about a movie that goes like that, and I don’t fancy becoming seafoam. Or having a potential love interest become magically seducted. Been there, done that. Not fun, let me tell you...

(There is an uncomfortable tension in the air as a faint ringing, or buzzing sounds now permeates the broadcast)

Delphius: This is my interest, though. My thing. My vocation. I can feel it in my incredibly skinny bones. I want to know about  humanity.To try and envision what it’d be like to have humanity instead of Faeship.  I want to see what humans do with their free will; how they handle life’s problems without magic so readily available. Why they think like they do, what they think of magic.

Probably doesn’t sound exciting, but coming from someone who doesn’t even know his ancestral heritage, I find the idea exciting…

(Delphius pauses and plays with an idea)

Delphius: Wouldn’t it be something if I were part human? And I spend hours upon hours researching them only to discover that I have lineage of mankind running in my veins? . . .

(There is a sharp halt of momentum, and a trailing, “Eh…”)

Delphius: Actually, no: that would make for some sort of really cliche drama that I actually don’t fancy much. The more I think about it, I pray to the divines that’s not the case. It’d be a really crappy, ironic plot twist to my life. But I could totally see it too.

*There is perchance an instance of Delphius waving his hand ambivalently, though the sound  of the action cannot be captured*

Delphius: Anyways, ignoring that silly thought, I should probably wrap up this recording. The microphone is violently shaking and foaming at the mouth, which means it’s low on battery.

I know that this will very likely never reach human ears, but all the same; thank you. It means a lot that you took the time to listen. Especially you, Dr. Ynori. I appreciate this opportunity.

This is Delphi, signing out.

*Click*