#on. I've had a few more doctors appointments and other things to do recently that have to be done in a time limit

[icewindandboringhorror]

recent lounging babey images

[hydeingpurples]

Hey man! I always love hearing about others’ transition. I’m a trans guy myself who is just now identifying that way very recently and is navigating getting ready to start T and top surgery whenever I’m able as I am saving up. I’d love to hear about your journey and where you are now. 😊

🏳️‍⚧️ Testosterone and Top Surgery 🏳️‍⚧️ (UK) : Discovering Myself, Hormones, Top surgery, Where I Am Now

Hey buddy! I'm more than happy to tell my story so far. I'll pack as much into this post as I can, as it may be helpful to others too, so it may be a bit long, but I'll do it in sections 😊

🕵🏻 Discovering Myself 🧐

This bit was tough. I think it is for a lot of us. I knew deep down for several years that I wasn't a girl. I was terrified of the thoughts that were buzzing around my head, terrified of the things I was feeling. I buried it so deep. At university, I started to let go a bit. Friends around me came out as non-binary and trans, I figured it wasn't so bad. I experimented with pronouns and identities, and eventually I admitted to myself that I was just a guy. I came out to my family aged 21 by letter and it went really well.

Things were still a bit scary though. Trying a binder on for the first time was both exciting and daunting. It felt so freeing and right, but scary too because it meant that, maybe, I needed to get rid of my chest.

💊 Hormones 💉

Over time, the dysphoria got worse and worse. I was becoming extremely jealous of my best friend who was on testosterone (T) and features that other men had that I didn't. I struggled most with my period. At its worst, I spent hours in my flat toilet and the toilets at work crying and withering in disgust and vile discomfort. I'll never forget those feelings.

I knew I'd make it to the other end though one day because my friend had. And, fortunately, April 2023, that day came.

📝 Testosterone Prescription 😄

After jumping through a load of loopholes and sending my blood tests off, my GP/Doctor booked me an appointment. I thought it was just to talk to me about my blood tests.

I sat down and he talked to me for a bit. Nothing much, nothing special. Then, he started printing something out. He whipped it from the printer and handed me this lil slip of paper. It was a prescription letter.

You know how people say the world can stop? Or go in slow motion? That's exactly what happened. I must have spent an entire lifetime staring down in silence, in awe, at this little piece of paper. My eyes were welling up with joy. I looked at him and all I could do was thank him, over and over and over again. A great smile beamed on his face.

Upon leaving, everything was blurry. It was like I had tunnel vision. All I could see was this piece of paper. I stormed out of the building, called my Mom, and violently cried with joy.

"Slow down, I can't understand you", she said.

"I've got it. I've got it. I have a testosterone prescription!" I spluttered.

It took me a while to calm down, haha. I've never been so joyous.

🌱 Testosterone Effects Timeline 📊

⚠️Please note everyone's changes, intensity of changes, and rates of changes are different⚠️

Week 1: no voice drop, but my throat felt different; increased discharge downstairs; a little sweatier and took me longer to cool down.

Week 2-3: some hot flashes but not many; needed bigger meals.

After 1 month: period stopped (🥳); small amount of increased hair growth on legs; head hair started growing faster; more and slightly more intense hot flashes; subtle voice changes, easier to talk at my lowest level.

2 months: stamina increase, longer work time and shorter recovery time; voice slightly deeper; upper lip hair started coming through darker; increased peach fuzz hair growth on face, arms, legs, stomach, especially legs; increased spots on back.

Up to 6 months: how I felt and processed emotions changed (found it A LOT easier to process emotions, less chaotic mind); even more hair growth and a few random beard hairs; further stamina increase; my sweat and pee changed how they smelt which was weird; further voice changes; sometimes I had sudden bouts of strong hunger but not often.

Up to 12 months: increased downstairs discharge stopped; even more body hair (thicker, darker, curly), especially on legs; a few more beard hairs on chin; back spots decreased; voice a little deeper; face shape changes, boarder shoulders.

Up to 17 months (now): almost every area on my legs is hair; hair growth on butt and up butt; a few more beard hairs (that grow back pretty quick after shaving); warmer, more and longer got flashes, difficulties cooling down (I'm also extremely heat averse though so 🤷🏻); masculinising hairline (i.e receding at the front to look more masculine); much more noticeable voice changes, difficulties reaching higher tones, much easier to talk low.

Extra: I haven't experienced any bottom growth or change in libido at all. I've identified as asexual for a while now and still do, no changes at all. It's fairly common to experience bottom growth and some report a change in libido too, I just haven't 🤷🏻

🧑🏻‍⚕️ Top Surgery 😷 - double incision

I was terrified I wasn't going to get to this stage. I moved from Wales to England and both have different medical systems, so I was petrified of my surgery referral getting lost.

Fortunately, it didn't get lost. Once it was booked in, I had my consultation where I met the surgeon and her team, I was measured, told about the process and what could go wrong and what the solutions were.

Now I had a new fear: was this right? The self doubt was ridiculous. What if I regretted it? What if I hated my results?

The morning of the surgery answered these questions. My plan was that if it felt wrong on the morning, I knew I had the power to back out.

At 8:30am I was called to my surgery. I wrapped my arms around my Mom, a giant smile swallowing my face, and I said, "see you later!", and pranced down the corridor with the nurse. I was SO excited.

Going under anaesthetic was perfectly alright. It was insanely fast which I wasn't expecting. They started the anaesthetic and all I had time for was a few sentences before I was out.

🛏️ Recovery 🏥

💫I've got a big list of tips and tricks for top surgery recovery which might be best for another post because it's huge💫

Recovery actually wasn't too bad. When I woke up, the only discomfort I felt was a prickly feeling around the surgery site which they quickly sorted with painkillers. The day after anaesthetic was a bit rocky, I slept a lot and felt a bit icky, basically like a hangover. After that, all I felt was a dull aching in my abdomen for 3/4 days, otherwise no pain. I couldn't actually feel anything around my nipples or incisions, it was totally numb. The trickiest part was actually keeping myself busy so my Tourette's didn't damage the surgery site.

Once things had healed up a bit more and my stitches were out/dissolved away, I really started to appreciate my new chest. Unlike some people, I didn't have a super euphoria moment. For me, it's simply been total peace and relief since. I no longer think about my chest in any capacity. It feels natural, normal, right, and that, to me, means it was absolutely the right decision. It was what I needed.

🙋🏻 Where am I Now? 🙋🏻

It's been just over 10 months since my top surgery and my scars are fading very well. I'm very happy with the results. I've regained a substantial amount of sensation too in both my nipples and the incision scars. I've done a huge amount of scary care which I'm happy to talk about in another post so this one doesn't get any longer.

I'm fortunate enough to have had all of my records changed, I have a male passport, and I recently passed my driving test and have a full driver's license with my new name on it!

But, I think more importantly, I now feel more confident, I care about what I wear and how I look, I've found my style and what I like to wear, I look after my personal hygiene, and I feel like myself.

And that is where I am now 😊

I hope you've found this helpful in some way. There's a lot of information here. It was nice to type that story out. If you'd like anything else in more detail or have any questions, go for it!

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

hi! I've been reading through your blog and you seem to give decent advice, so I figured I'd try my luck at something that's been annoying me recently.

So to start, I'm 17ftm (no testosterone), I have had many mental health struggles on the past 5 years and my parents don't really trust me or take me seriously. And I have never had sex with a penis haver so no possibility of pregnancy at any point.

Okay so my problem is that I never get consistent periods and almost always skip more than a month in between. They actually started pretty consistent when I was 13 but became extremely irregular after I gained a lot of unexpected weight (I was on a high dose of antipsycotics which I believe caused this). I skipped 6 months when I was 14. Since my parents don't take me seriously, they kind of softly assume I'm exaggerating or just not counting the days right ever time I bring it up and it made me so frustrated that last year I finally got a period tracker and committed to filling it out daily. I finally decided to go back and check how long it's been because I felt like it had been forever since I actually bled and uh. Guess what I was right 😬

Since the new year, I logged myself as "spotting" on February 7th and January 22. I marked myself down as "light bleeding" on the 18th. Every other day this year there has been no bleeding. Is this abnormal??? My mom keeps saying things like "I skip months all the time" but it's just really unsettling me I feel like something's wrong. I've also had period-like cramps a few times since the year began and at one point they got really bad, like a 7/10 but again I haven't bled even a little bit except those three days I just want to know I'm not being unreasonable.

I do plan to talk to my doctor, my dad set an appointment for next week (I didn't tell him what it was for & he didn't ask which was nice) but while my GP is usually pretty good I'm worried she'll dismiss me like my mom always does & I'm worried I'll phrase something wrong or not describe things correctly. (I have the kind of autism that gives me psychic damage when people don't understand me hence the multiple paragraphs to explain a fairly simple issue... Sorry about that btw)

Thanks for your time and I hope I wasn't too annoying🪻

hi anon,

irregular periods are pretty typical when you first begin menstruating, but the fact that they haven't leveled out by now could definitely be indicative of some kind of complication in your reproductive system that's definitely best to know about sooner rather than later. I'm sorry your parents have been dismissive of you, but if your GP is generally reasonable I'm sure she'll understand why you're concerned; missing your period for months at a time definitely falls into what's considered irregular and warrants further investigation, and it sounds like you've been documenting your experiences enough to back up that that's the case.

I hope everything goes well and you can find some answers <3

[sailor-cerise]

Since I don't see exhaustive examples of what types of support low support needs might entail, I've put mine below. The vast majority of my struggles are from my autism, but my physical disabilities and ADHD also contribute.

The reason I share this is to help people think more deeply about what "supports" means, and understand the different support levels.

Examples of tasks I need significant help with:

Handling any maintenance or repair tasks. I can and have done things like called a plumber, but I cry afterwards and am shaky and on edge the entire time they are on the phone or in my room/house. I have the capacity to do this a few times a year, spread far apart, which is typically much lower than the number of times I need this done. This includes car maintenance, which my partner helps me with.

Doing my taxes. I literally cry while downloading my W2 for my partner to do our taxes, and have had a panic attack because I needed to find an email receipt for tax purposes.

Paying a bill. Best case scenario it's something I can pay online, but I still cannot do more than one at a time and greatly benefit from emotional and logistical support.

Any other financial stuff: transferring money between accounts, managing investments, etc. I log into my accounts and my partner does things for me. I recently gave them access to most accounts now so they can do this without the first step and this one is scary to me but has been so so beneficial. We've been together about 15 years and they always ask permission and tell me specifics. Be careful who you trust with this if you have any choice.

House cleaning. I can do more than my severely physically disabled mother could when I was growing up, but not much. My partner also struggles here but we help each other.

Making decisions. I can decide what to eat and things related to my special interests (e.g. what book to read) for myself, but I really struggle deciding what color of sheets to get, alternatives to grocery brands when one is out of stock, how to cut my hair, which route to take while driving, which parking space to use, etc. and truly cannot do anything bigger (color to paint the kitchen, replacement water heater brand). I will completely shut down.

Examples of things I can do mostly independently (after having put in lasting supports with help from my partner and/or with significant effort). This is what makes me low support needs rather than medium: I can do these things.

Buy groceries (I order online and pickup curbside)

Make food for myself (I cannot reliably prepare food for anyone else)

Shower (I have a blue tooth speaker that I have a hard time showering without, and am able to shower 1-3 times a week)

Driving (sometimes I cannot drive due to physical issues)

Make and attend doctor's appointments (this one is mostly practice and saving up energy for it. I haven't been able to get support for this)

Take my medications (I have set up various systems that work well for me)

Renewing my prescriptions and picking them up (this is super hard and draining and I wish I had more supports for it, but it's something my partner struggles with too)

Working. I have so many accomodations here it's a separate long post. This includes work-related communication (often quite complex)

Ambulating. Sometimes I cannot walk more than a few steps. This is not from my autism.

Changing clothes. I hate doing this and would do it way less often than is appropriate if I did not have a partner that would be bothered by that

Brush my teeth. Oohhh boy this one took me most of my 33 years to sort out, and needed help from one of my best friends. Children's unsweetened toothpaste and ultra soft brushes are essential.

Flossing my teeth. Specific brand and type of floss, one in every room, and I'm actually good at it then. Really really proud of this one.

Brushing my hair. It's a whole Thing for me and I don't do it as often as I should but I can do it.

Making plans with friends or family. This is really hard and my mother helped me with it until she died and now I have some friends who are able to support me in this and I so appreciate them. My partner handles family plans mostly because most of my family is dead or lives very far away.

Speaking on the phone or in writing outside of work contexts. This is very very hard for me. I can do in person okay.

Socializing. This is very very hard for me but I do like it sometimes and have worked hard my whole life to be good at it. I tend to get along with people in a shallow manner.

Going into a crowded space. I need hearing protection (earplugs or headphones), and cannot do it for long periods. I handle it much better when I have a person with me, but hit my limit quickly.

Things I can do most days with no supports (most bADLs):

Basic in-person verbal communication, including limited quantities of small talk

Small purchases (cup of coffee, new book, etc.)

Toileting and continence

Going to bed and waking up

Remembering to eat and the act of eating

Drinking water

Get some gentle exercise of some sort, even just stretching in bed

Participate in one of my special interests. Any limitations here are usually from my physical disabilities, though I've lost this ability during autistic burnout before.

I am also fortunate to be capable of dealing well with emergencies (car accidents, injuries, de-escalation of a dangerous situation, pet emergencies, flooding), though like most people I break down if there are too many in a row. This isn't on any of the IADL lists I've seen, but I personally think it should be.

Reference:

[resetting37]

Ah yes the interpersonal drama within the council of Evelow. I've talked about and drawn them a few times here, but idk, I wanted to talk about the specific dynamics a bit more.

Some explanation

Atlas, Kenzo, Crystal, and Candace did know each other for a long time, as many old money families do. Things get more complicated when you're given a chair in the council, but to be fair, Atlas and Crystal weren't ever *that* close. Casual rivals means they don't try to remove each other's chairs, they're just haters.

Crystal Camryn and Kenzo Yamazaki had always been really close allies, but with "recent" story events, they do go through hardship. It's once Crystal dies that Atlas Vespira (aka the Vespira House) sweeps in to try to be the next close ally to the Yamazakis.

Esther actually gets along with all of them, after all, she's the empress, so it makes sense for her to surround herself with people she trusts. However, the only reason I've pointed out her allyship with Dr. Cloud Ellocast is that the doctor was the only new councilman she appointed when she became empress. This was a controversial, because as you can see-

Not many people approve of Dr. Cloud Ellocast being on the council. They're a very renowned figure of Evelow, but never one that ever held political power, and critics speculated they will use their position as councilman to funnel more money into their "mysterious gene project"

Dr. Rajan Tandon is a professional ally to Dr. Cloud due to his late father being heavily involved with Dr. Ellocast's research. Atlas Vespira is a professional ally to both because he was a top donor to the project. He's supportive of Dr. Cloud being appointed as a councilman, but the others can't say the same.

Atlas Vespira and Candace Hadler were once in an arranged marriage and did genuinely love each other, hence the unique "ex-lovers" connection. I talk about it in this additional text. (yes it's the same post I linked earlier but this version has more text !)

Some of this drama does reflect in how their families view each other, but it isn't entirely representative.

[ferel6]

This gets INCREDIBLY LONG, so a little tl;dr here for you: I decided to become a healthy volunteer for clinical research studies in order to fill a hole I thought I had in my fetish dreams, but got addicted to being a test subject. Because it was SO MUCH FUN.

I'm not on here much because this is a secretive place for me (much like a lot of you) and I don't have a lot of alone time.

I just got back from a trip recently and haven't been able to parse my feelings about it. I need to share my fun experiences with SOMEONE because not many people in my life appreciate the feelings I have for them like a lot of you will.

Clearly, by the reposts and likes, I have a medical fetish. Strongest for EKGs, blood pressure cuffs, catheters, oxygen masks. But also for most things medical related. I have ton of equipment that I've used on myself and others.

My wife is a wonderful supporter of anything that turns me on more and has been a fantastic patient for me. But she doesnt have the appreciation for medical equipment, she doesn't love the feeling of a mask over her nose and mouth, the light touch of wires across her chest, like I do.

As I've gotten older, I've needed to figure out more about myself and why I have these feelings. I've always liked being the patient, always wanted to be the experiment.

An idea came to me while I was involved in biometrics screening at work and I wondered why I had never thought of it before: why not volunteer as a healthy subject for clinical research?

I dove head first into it, checking out all the available research programs in my area (there were a lot), but what I began to realize is I didn't just want to be pumped full of experimental drugs and to find out what they do (even though most of those studies would involve the equipment I enjoyed). I wanted something more...basic. Something less experimental, but more intimate.

I found the perfect study, one that still required vitals monitoring (my reason for interest), but also helped further science in a way that interested me personally. A venous occlusion and distension study that looked at the effect NSAIDs have on veins to potentially help patients with Periferal Arterial Disease (PAD). I was nervous to tell my wife about it (just as nervous in fact as when I told her about my fetish initially). But she was perfectly OK with it, mentioning that clinical volunteers are a needed commodity.

With that, I sent off a message to the clinical research coordinator. And I waited. And waited. And waited.

It took about a week of nervous anticipation before she responded with a phone call. She explained the procedure, how they would measure the volume of my arm, hook up an IV retrograde into the forearm, wrap blood pressure-like cuffs around my wrist, forearm, and bicep to force the blood out of my arm for the occlusion portion. Heartrate would be monitored via a 3-lead EKG, BP would be taken periodically on my other arm, as well as continual BP measured via a device wrapped around my wrist and finger called a finometer. She asked if all that sounded ok.

Yes. 1000% yes.

We set up an appointment for a few weeks later and my sex drive went into overdrive at the prospect. My wife was a bit wary of this at first, but eventually warmed up to the idea and reaped the benefits of my overactive imagination.

The day of the experiment, I drove to the medical center, walking briskly past all the patients milling about the general hospital area, past the cancer center, and on toward the cardiac and vascular institute. God, it was such a rush feeling like I belonged there, but for a fun reason, not because I was sick. That sterile hospital smell, the sounds, the lights, the doctors and nurses passing me in their scrubs, going about their business.

I arrived outside of the clinical research floor and was immediately met by the clinical coordinator, no time to get my bearings, no more sitting and waiting. It was finally go time.

She whisked me past receptionists, then past equipment strewn in the hallways, doors leading to open rooms with beds in the middle, until we arrived at "my" room.

I tried not to stare as we entered. It was REALLY HARD. My quick glance took in the table in the middle of the room, the racks of monitoring equipment on the left wall, baskets with wires and tubes hanging out the tops, a large ultrasound machine to the right of the table, a roller tray with what I knew was an IV kit as well as several other syringes in sterile packaging.

I followed the coordinators instruction to sit and fill out my pre-procedure paperwork while she went over all the things that would happen to me (like I needed to hear it again, I'd read the paperwork at least 20 times throughout the prior weeks). Then she took my height and weight, and listened to my lungs and heart. I was a nervous wreck, so my heartrate was a bit high. She chocked it up to dehydration and got me a cup of ice water. Next we measured my arm volume by dunking it in a long tube of water and noting the displacement. Then I was sent to the bathroom before the start of the procedure while she retrieved the other members of the clinical team.

I had a few precious moments to myself in the cramped room once I got back to take everything else in. The computers by the back right corner. The windows out to look over a helipad, as we were on the fourth floor. Just how much juicy equipment lay on the racks on the far wall. None of this was helping my heartrate to slow down.

The coordinator came back in with a tech in tow and told me to hop up on the table in the center so she could get baseline BP, and get me hooked up to the EKG and get my IV placed.

I padded over after taking my shoes and socks off and used the stool to sit down on the table. The tech began wrapping the oh so familiar dark blue cuff around my right arm, while the coordinator pulled over the tray with the syringes and IV kit. At the coordinators request the BP cuff inflated as I sat there trying to calm my thumping heart. She remarked a mostly normal BP, much to my surprise, 125/85, only slightly on the high side for me. She had me lay down and we took it again two more times! God it felt amazing to just have someone so interested in my blood pressure.

The fun was just beginning, though. The coordinator took my left arm in her hands and pulled it over to the tray. Getting gloves on and cracking open the IV kit, she set about cleaning my arm and wrapping a band around my bicep, a steady stream of questions about my family, my job, and answers to my questions back. General banter while she looked down at my arm with such scrutiny, poking the inside of my elbow to confirm a good vein, then a quick jab as the IV entered and was dressed in a flash. I've had flu shots that hurt more, she was such a pro.

The banter continued as she dug around in a bag for three sticky electrodes, tenting my loose tshirt to reach just below my left side ribs, and my left and right shoulders. The tech helped her get the wires attached and I soon turned to see the delicious green line on the screen spiking up and down to a fair 110 bpm. The coordinator remarked again about my higher heartrate, but I informed her it was probably just nerves from my first visit and that I had a naturally high heartrate (I usually sit in the high 80s).

We continued onward, another male tech coming in, as well as the lead clinical physician who would be doing the ultrasound on my arm during the occlusion and infusion. They all busied themselves with various tasks, noting my HR, my BP, or prepping the occlusion cuffs.

The primary clinical physician asked if he could bring in a student intern, as a petite asian girl, probably half my age in her first few years of college shuffled in from the hall. "Of course" was my only response, the more the merrier. Good GOD was I trying so hard not to be turned on by all the extra staff and the entire situation.

Things moved quickly from here. The techs wrapped a cuff around my wrist, my forearm underneath the IV, and around my bicep.

The coordinator lifted my arm up and gave me a roll of gauze to squeeze. After squeezing for a few seconds she said "Five, four, three, two, one, cuff one up" and with the signature puff of air, the cuff around my wrist inflated, incredibly tight. "Five, four, three, two, one, cuff two up", and the second cuff on my forearm tightened, pushing the pooled blood in my forearm away even further (the pressure felt so odd on the retrograde IV at my elbow). "Five, four, three, two, one, cuff three up", and with that the last cuff around my bicep inflated, tighter than I'd ever pumped up a BP cuff during my own play, cutting off circulation to my entire left arm.

The tingling started in earnest as the coordinator told me I could relax my arm and the primary physician set about my forearm with cold gel and the ultrasound probe. I thought perhaps I'd lose more feeling in that arm, but I could feel the lightest touch from the physician, the push and pull of the probe as he clicked keys to zero in on the veins he was looking to image. He talked quietly with his intern, pointing to the screen, to my arm. She would nod and note things as well, also motioning to whatever they saw on the monitor.

The rest of the techs also milled about, the coordinator asking for time to be marked and noting my heartrate. I'd forgotten the monitor, as I was so focused on my left arm. Turning my neck I saw my HR had shot up to 144 bpm! My BP was also much higher as well topping at 155/100. Guess having an extra arms worth of blood rushing around my body sure changed my biometrics.

We waited for some time, taking new baseline statistics of my body's functions. 10 minutes passed, me simply lying there with my arm going numb, the continual squeeze of the finometer on my finger giving me an indication of my pulse.

Next up the coordinator sidled up next to my head, dragged the tray back over and set about getting the first syringe ready. She informed me there were 50ml, separated into 5 different syringes. "They may have doses of Ketorelac, or it may simply be saline, based on randomized trial".

As she began the first infusion, the primary physician and his intern were back on the ultrasound, probing and watching the spot where the IV entered my arm. I could feel the gentle caress of the probe as cold liquid filled my veins, again surprised at how much I could still feel despite 15 full minutes of cut off circulation.

The coordinator hooked up the next syringe and asked how I was feeling.

"I'm great!" I replied promptly.

"Alright, there's four more of these, so just let me know if the pressure gets to be too much in your arm."

She hooked up the next and pushed the plunger slowly down. My arm felt cold now, the liquid going in fluctuating between warm and cool, an odd sensation. The physician continued talking to his intern. The techs and the coordinator would talk amongst themselves as well.

"See this here as it's infused"

"Which one is that, the second?"

"We're on 17 minutes"

"Heartrates up, BP is a little higher as well"

"Still doing OK? I'm going to start the next, just let me know if it begins to be too much."

It was...so much. All of it. A pleasant buzzing whir in my mind, like ASMR but stronger, dominated my brain. All I could do was feel the sensations of my body and listen to the researchers as they talked about my body's functions and what they were doing to me like I wasn't a person to them. Like I was this enigma, this puzzle that needed solving. Just a subject, an experiment for them to run.

Once the infusions were all in place, and another 5 minutes had passed, the cuff was released and warmth and stabbing pins and needles filled my veins and arteries again.

More vitals were taken to confirm changes in my blood pressure, but after the release it was simply a matter of cleaning up. And just like that it was over.

I was cleaned up, given a meal card to use at the cafeteria, told how much my help was appreciated and sent on my way.

I've just come back from my fifth time (first time back since the pandemic), some of the studies have taken place in the MRI center (MRIs are relaxing and I love the idea of my brain being scanned).

And now i just feel the looming emptiness inside. There is so much anticipation and excitement each time I set up dates to go be a research subject. So much feeling. And when I'm there, when I'm being worked on and monitored, when I'm being watched over and dolled upon, I feel so good and right.

It's addictive, like a drug. I want more. I want to go back every week so they can poke me with more needles, watch my heartrate take off at the inflation of a cuff.

Anyway. If you've read this far, congrats on seeing a bit of my not so normal psyche. Glad there are plenty of people out there to volunteer who, like me, don't mind the uncomfortable and invasive parts of medical advancement.

If you think you can control yourself (I actually did a pretty good job in the end of keeping my lust under control), you may want to consider being a healthy volunteer as well. It's definitely an experience you'll never forget.

Feel free to ask questions and such, I'll answer them when I can.

[aintgonnatakethis]

hi, this may not be the kind of question you normally, but would you mind talking about your experience being trans in the uk? i'm headed there for uni at the end of the summer, and while in many ways it'll probably be better (i'm coming from a very catholic conservative area in the states), i'm kind of scared.

Sorry this took a few days to answer. Originally I thought there wouldn't be much to put here but then I started writing and wow! I have actually had a life, haven't I? 😂 If you have any other questions I'm happy to answer them for you.

I'm going to put this under a readmore because it got so long, but TL;DR: Find allies in LGBTQ+/queer clubs at your Uni, if your professors deadname/misgender you complain to the Uni, register with multiple NHS GP surgeries to doctor shop for a trans friendly GP, same with NHS dentists, if you're socially transitioned and get lucky with GPs you might be able to get a bridging prescription for hormones (details below), if you're faced with medical transphobia know your rights but discretion is the better part of valour.

So all in all I think I've had things pretty easy. I'm a social recluse so even before covid kicked off I wasn't going out or going to school/working a job. It's only recently (since top surgery) that I've felt confident enough to go out and do things and that's because I now pass all the time.

I don't know where you are in your transition or whether passing is even an option (and I also wouldn't say passing should be the automatic goal for all of us - going stealth is just my personal preference) but if people can take a quick look and "clock" you, it will obviously be more dangerous for you. Though I don't think that differs much from place to place; trans people are always in danger if we're outed.

I would recommend looking for any LGBTQ+/queer clubs your Uni might have. Sometimes those groups are awful and they just bleed chronically-online-made-real-life, but sometimes you'll make friends for life. It's important to get a support network going around you I think, as well as know what rights you have through the Uni when it comes down to professors referring you to with the correct name and pronouns.

Talk to the professors first obviously - the fewer waves you make the better - but if some of them continue to deadname/misgender you, stick to your guns. I know it's a tough sounding piece of advice, but if you let them get away with it once, they'll do it forever. Find out who in the Uni you're able to file complaints with. If you need to, do it. Don't take no shit!

If you're on a student visa and are here for more than six months, congrats! You get to enjoy the sparkling joy /s that is the NHS. Something that differs greatly between the US and the UK is that you can doctor shop super easily over here. I'm presuming that Uni=a town at least, so there should be multiple GP surgeries within your range and 2-7 doctors at each depending on the size of the area they're looking after. You're allowed to register at multiple surgeries without informing them you're doing so (and our medical records aren't on a centralised system so they aren't likely to find out). Do that ASAP and then if you run into a doctor who's anti-trans you can just bounce, no questions asked, either to another doctor at the same surgery (which is what I did) or to another surgery altogether.

On a side note I'd also register with every NHS dentist in the area as well, as waiting lists for simple check ups are 6 months long currently. The only thing with multiple registering you have to worry about is if you have an appointment either turn up or cancel it. If you no show they'll remove you from their list entirely.

If you're already on hormones and are looking to continue taking them here, I'm afraid I have no idea what the transfer system is. I know GPs can write bridging prescriptions (hormones while waiting for the Gender Clinic to get through their waiting list) so if you have a diagnosis of gender dysphoria from a doctor in the US then a GP might be willing to do that.

I was referred and 2 years later my GP (who I love and would die for) was like "well this is ridiculous, you're obviously socially transitioned so I'll supply the testosterone for you." She wrote that bridging prescription for 3 years, gel only (which I've stayed on because I have a needle phobia), and blood tests every 3 months (now every 6). While she was writing the bridge she had to check the blood tests herself, but when the Gender Clinic finally got off their arses they're sent there.

A bridge will be a lower dose (ig micro dosing?) than you'd get properly, but it's better than nothing. If you're looking for that, bring proof that you're socially transitioned and have been for at least two years. If you've changed your name any letters/documents are good. I have 7 years worth of shit saved, just like my grandad used to do with receipts so when it came time to do his taxes he'd have everything together. ❤️️

Obviously the GP in question might want to get to know you a bit first before giving you anything, especially if you're looking for T as that can be used for sports enhancing purposes. But without knowing how long you're going to be here, my wait on the Gender Clinic waiting list was 5 years so I'd guess that's not gonna work for you.

Transphobia I've suffered from the medical industry. Right.

First time was before I moved to where I'm living currently and came out in tears to my then GP. She said "you've obviously thought this through" but then did not refer me to a Gender Clinic, thus breaking the law. Me, not knowing the law at the time, did nothing. Lesson: know your rights.

First time where I understood what was an NHS dentist. It was before I started taking T, obviously before top surgery. I did not pass. He came into the waiting room called Mr. <name> and when I stood up the look of disgust on his face was fucking haunting. That was a tough appointment to get through with him sticking sharp things in my mouth, let me tell you. He also informed me my wisdom teeth weren't fully done coming through yet which was why I was in pain, which turned out to be a lie as when I went to a private dentist (massively stupidly expensive wnr) the following month they told me they were impacted and I'd literally been chewing on myself every time I ate or spoke, hence the pain. I haven't been back to that NHS dentist place since, though I do want to get back on their waiting list now I pass properly. Lesson: get second opinions.

No direct transphobia from the private place, though after I'd voiced financial concerns and then said I ate a lot of chocolate, one tech did say "well, after you've paid for today you won't be able to afford that anymore". Unknown whether she said that because I was trans and she wanted to get a dig in or just because she was a cunt. 🤷‍♂️ I was stoned at the time as I do before all dentist appointments so didn't even work out it was supposed to offend me until later.

For the regular blood tests that are required a nurse at the surgery does it. This particular nurse was always fine and lovely to me before I started T and began to pass as a man, suddenly got very weird and standoffish, calling me 'honey' and 'sweetheart', things you do not call young men here unless you're an old woman. The kicker was when she drew blood and (knowing I have a phobia of needles) said "all done" and made sure to wait until I was looking before pulling it out. A few seconds passed and she said "you okay?" in the most vindictive tone I've ever heard. Sadly for her my panic is internal so she got fuck all. The shift times for each nurse are available on the GP surgery's website. She does afternoons, so now I only go in on mornings. Lesson: when you come out, change your name, start hormones, start passing - at basically every step of the process - there'll be people who'll treat you differently for no reason. If they're friends, sit down and talk it out before deciding what you're going to do. If they're not, avoid them.

GP referred me for a hysterectomy. First place turned me down because I'm trans. Second place put me on their waiting list. GP was pissed off.

I won't go into detail about the problems I've faced from the Gender Clinic or the surgeon as that probably won't be useful to you. If it turns out you'll be working with a GC or getting surgery done over here let me know and I'll add stuff.

Good luck at Uni, friend! 🤜🤛

[k00292370]

Disruption: A Conclusion

What's up Tumblr,

With the Christmas holidays starting that means that the disruption project has come to an end. I enjoyed doing this project. I'll be honest, I was lost at first. When I heard disruption I immediately thought of my Type 1 Diabetes, but I didn't want to do my project on it since it was already consuming most parts of my life I didn't want to spend weeks focusing on it through art as well.

From some talking to my friends, lecturers and even some doctors , I came to realise that it is a major disruption in my life that I don't voice often but I want people to know about. It majorly impacts my everyday life, I've missed days from college, workshops and outings with friends over it (and almost my LC as well) . I shouldn't be ashamed of it and should be talking about it more.

I'm glad I did in the end, originally I thought of doing how emotions can disrupt someone and their ways of thinking but I realised very early I didn't have much to say on the subject. Whereas, with my diabetes I had plenty to say. The carb counting for every meal, snack and sometimes drinks. The countless needles I've injected myself with. The constant checking of my blood sugar and drawing blood. The nausea. The recent decline in my control of it and sudden threat of vision impairment because of it. It's all things that have disrupted not just my day-to-day life but things that could disrupt my future if I don't find ways to deal with them now.

In the end I got a good few pieces from it. Some embroidery, prints, an animation, a painting, etc.

If I had a few more weeks I would've liked to have made more paintings and digital pieces. I love digital art but unfortunately my drawing tablet broke and I won't be getting a new one till after Christmas. I would've also liked to try out some other workshops like photography and publication.

In conclusion (I'm now just realising how long this post is 😅) my project is about how diabetes disrupts a lot of my life. How I'm struggling to live along side it rn, go to college, work a job and attend hospital appointments. I am fighting a constant battle to keep myself healthy, but also how despite my struggles it also doesn't define who I am. Yet strangely I also wouldn't be the same person without it either.

Thank you for reading this. You're awsome and have a great Christmas! :D

[altruisticenigma]

My doctor two appointments ago hinted I possibly could have ADHD. At my most recent appointment, she suspected strongly that I have ADHD. Now I've been thinking about it nonstop, thinking back to what I thought was innocent/small details that were probably symptoms all along, and it's been on my mind ever since.

I'm 27, and what the fuck- I might have ADHD on top of the host of other mental illnesses I have???

Warning, this is a long one- but as a 27 year old coming to terms with a possible new mental illness I think that's more than acceptable, lol. TW: Mentions of CPTSD/PTSD, depression, anxiety, ADHD and all related symptoms, and mentions of medication.

This began because I needed to be put back on some sort of medication. I was suffering from pretty bad anxiety; it was difficult to function because I would worry constantly about everything big and small. I have CPTSD/PTSD and it was getting in the way of life- I catastrophize & have hypervigilance; I cope by trying to control situations best I can. It's hard to let go of control. What got me in the office was that for the last 6 months, it's been extremely difficult to get out of bed and go to work. It was like I was hitting this invisible wall and I didn't know why. Nearly ever week I'd call out because I felt overwhelmed.

Wellbutrin helped subside a lot of the emotional aspects. A majority of my panic & fear subsided, but some symptoms still lingered. For one, a way that I coped with my anxiety was to constantly assign myself daily tasks: if I could get something done I'd feel better from the serotonin it fed me. I also felt restless if I wasn't doing something productive. I still couldn't sit down and relax; something that other people could do that I couldn't and I didn't know why. The other was that I still had bouts of insomnia; every few weeks like clockwork I'd wake up around 1-3 AM and it'd be hard to go back to sleep. Just last night I woke up at 3AM, hypervigilant as Hell out of nowhere. Most nights I am just very hungry and sit up for a bit before going back to sleep.

While I was mostly more functional and could now go to work with little to no problem, I still was having issues with being calm.

We tried putting me back on Lexapro. Historically it had worked. Instead it made my anxiety worse; it felt like I was back to square 1. Wellbutrin was the only thing that worked, which is a mood stabilizer. At this point I had gone through 3-5 SSRIs/SNRIs and they weren't helping, only the mood stabilizer.

I explained how my anxiety manifests to my PCP. I have the restlessness/need for control through tasks, as well as insomnia, but also the hypervigilance as well as the catastrophizing. I explained to her that I always thought that my fiancé was going to die behind the wheel no matter what they were doing in the car- every single time. I explained that when doing my job, I always anticipated someone yelling at me. These fears had subsided significantly with Wellbutrin, but they were still there nonetheless lingering in the background.

So my main issues were the hypervigilance & catastrophizing, feeling restless/needing control and the issues with sleep.

It was then she made a observation: it was possible I may have ADHD and the things I was doing were a unconscious coping mechanism. For one, I kept failing SSRI/SNRIs. Although it's a given I have a genetic disposition to bipolar in my gene pool (hence why they keep failing), I don't present any active symptoms at the time. According to her they should work to a degree, not adversely. Second, I have a strong genetic disposition to ADHD: we strongly suspect my mom has it, she just isn't formally diagnosed, but my brother is definitely diagnosed and has struggled with it most his life.

Her primary observation was the third: my restless symptoms are presenting as more of the "HD" problem in ADHD: too much energy with nowhere to go. I overwork myself by assigning tasks and overachieving to cope with the energy I have on hand. By doing extra tasks and chores, on one hand it may be a "need for control" aspect but the other may be restlessness I am trying to cope with. She noted that I have the "focus" part down- I'm very organized and able to stay on task, but I struggle with the energy. She noted that with "feminized" brains (lol, I laughed a bit inside when she said this- I'm non-binary but I get what she was saying) it tends to get misdiagnosed or overlooked due to anxiety: girls tend to present very differently than boys with ADHD. TL;DR she was saying sexism was why girls were disproportionally diagnosed to boys, especially at a young age.

This absolutely blew my mind, as you could see.

Ever since I was young I had no problems in school. Overachiever, good grades, laser-beam focused in school. Homework was not a problem. I liked routine, and I liked sticking to it. While my brother really struggled with remembering tasks and keeping to a schedule, I excelled in it.

When I developed PTSD in college I did begin to struggle a lot with focus. It would come and go because my brain was so chaotic; there was constant chatter in there. During the early stages of PTSD I would completely lose focus if I was really stressed out and needed accommodations in school. PTSD made me feel like my brain had been scrambled and I could no longer control it. Despite this I recall in college I had no problem focusing on assignments for hours: I once had a lab to do and I didn't take a break for 4 hours. I used to commend myself on my strong work ethic; this was normal for me from middle school and beyond... But now looking back with a fresh perspective, I realize this could have been ADHD working strangely in my favor.

I have also been organized to a insane degree my entire life, too. Increasingly more in high school, college and beyond. Nowadays I try to remember to do menial tasks by writing in a planner: they may seem unimportant to someone else, but to my brain it's imperative I remember and put it somewhere else on paper so I don't keep dwelling on it/needing to repeat the thought so I remember it, or have it float in my brain. I consider my home tasks so much more important than my work tasks; why, I don't know.

I've also been noticing minor but important details that could've alluded to ADHD but were overshadowed by more pressing mental health issues such as my depression, anxiety and CPTSD/PTSD. With Wellbutrin in my system it's been getting fairly easy to notice small details that I would've waved off in the past, but now with this new perspective and medication are very significant:

I never noticed how chaotic and disorganized my mind-chatter was until I was on Wellbutrin. The moment I started taking Wellbutrin my mind became very calm and quiet, so quiet it surprised me. I also never noticed how slightly incoherent, disorganized and rapid my speech was until I was on Wellbutrin, either. While on this medication, I have found I can form much more organized thoughts and speak slower and clearer. Whether that's panic or ADHD, I have no clue.

At least once a day I will be in the middle of saying/doing something and completely forget what I'm doing. I try to retrace my steps or my conversation to remember, only to have it gone entirely. It'll come back eventually, I just can't get it back in the moment.

According to my fiance, I tend to go down "rabbit holes" in the middle of our conversations (I haven't noticed this at all). I'll be on one topic, divulge into another possibly related topic and come back to where we were. I never thought it was important as at least I come back to the topic on hand. Sometimes I have caught myself completely forgetting what I was talking about.

The whole reason I started Wellbutrin is because I realized that I couldn't "bootstraps" my way out of whatever was happening to me: I realized I had a hard time getting out of bed for work. I attributed it to depression. While Wellbutrin significantly helps with this, in the past week or so I've been hitting this wall again where I don't want to go into work. It's like the task itself is difficult. I see it as a big, huge task that I don't want to bother with, even though realistically I realize that what I do for a living isn't the most difficult job. I thought it was depression, but it might be executive dysfunction.

I have hyperfixations: I will hyperfixate on something that I absolutely get lost in the sauce about for a month or two, and once I drop it I get sad/absolutely bored out of my mind until I find something new. I remember thinking during hyperfixations that I hope that I don't lose this passion because I don't want to be without this feeling of absolute pure joy and passion. Right now I'm very into FFXIV and building my character and their world.

I deleted social media like TikTok, YouTube and other streaming platforms off of my phone because I will scroll for hours and get stuck. I can't move. It's like I'm hypnotized and focused hard on whatever I'm watching. TikTok I deleted mostly because it made me Severely Mentally Ill, but also because I found myself stuck on it for 2-3 hours at a time and unable to take a break. I ended up doing the same thing on YouTube shorts, so I also had to delete that, too.

I vocally stim. A lot. Especially at home where it's safe and only when I feel safe/happy. But I just attribute that to being neurodivergent in general, lol.

I never thought I could've had ADHD because unfortunately I always had the stereotypical picture of ADHD in my head: someone who couldn't focus at all, who struggled with time-management, and someone who got distracted easily. A lot of the focus-related issues. That's what my brother struggled with, so I didn't think twice about me having it. My best friend also had similar symptoms so I had no clue it could present differently among people. As someone who never had struggled with focus, or at least to what I could've noticed consciously, I didn't conceive that I could have ADHD: I thought it was just about struggling with being attentive. Never did I realize I could have a restless/energy issue but be fine in the focus category.

The only way to know for certain what's going on is to see a neuropsychiatrist, which my doctor referred me to. As ADHD is very closely related to all of my already-diagnosed illnesses I know that it is possible it could be just PTSD scrambling my brain or anxiety making things difficult again. It has just been super heavy on my mind how this could be possibly ADHD and I had NO idea, nor did I ever suspect myself of possibly having ADHD once in my life.

Just goes to show you mental health is a fucking doozy of a thing.

[i-cast-teatus-deletus]

Part 3 Entertainment - Books Part 1

I know I said I wouldn't have anything for the entertainment section, but I figure it might be a nice change of pace from my other content.

I don't have a lot of hobbies that I think are interesting or relatable, and your mileage will vary, but I DO think both recovery and the waiting around of the appointment phase is easier with a book or two.

Obviously, your library is a great resource (though I'd be terrified of leaving a library book at the doctor's office), and if you want to get books for free some other way, people on the internet move fast and will have better resources on where to get free books than I do. But I do have two places to get books that I think are hidden gems:

For ebooks: BookBub

Bookbub is a legal site for free and discounted ebooks via publisher discounting schemes. It operates across a variety of devices and bookselling platforms (so you're not inherently locked into amazon or apple books or a specific branded device inherently.) and lets you sort to see specific genres only.

You don't need an account or to sign up for their mailing list to use it (though I think you can get more personalized recommendations with an account, past that I have no idea what having an account does since they are not the selling platform, they basically just advertise the sales).

For paper books: Hamilton Book

There's a lot of places on the internet to buy remaindered (new but unsold) books, but Hamilton (formerly Edward R Hamilton) is my favorite. If you're looking for specific books (especially semi-recent releases), you're very much in the wrong place. But if you have the time and energy to browse what they DO have (which definitely does have some popular authors and series), you can find some really good books for some really good prices. I've gotten new books for as little as $1.95 via Hamilton, and they charge a flat $4 shipping fee. My family has been buying from them since the 90s, when you could only do it via the catalog.

I will add that, back in the 90s, Hamilton made most of their money selling shopworn (lightly damaged) new books, and some of them still are. The overwhelming majority (probably 90+%) of what they sell now is remaindered and is in perfect condition, but I have occasionally gotten books that had torn dust jackets or stains. If you're giving the books as a gift and want to be assured it will look picture-perfect, Hamilton may not be the place to buy, but if you're okay with a single-digit percentage being damaged but readable, you won't find a better deal anywhere.

For some perspective, I think I bought 20 or 30 books from them in the past 18 months, and I got ONE paperback book that had something sticky on the cover and ONE hardback with a torn dust jacket, and both were last chance sales so likely all of the stock left was damaged. Everything else looks perfect, other than the remainder mark.

If books aren't your thing, they also sell remaindered CDs, DVDs, and Blu Rays, as well as having coloring books and puzzle books. I managed to pick up a pair of puzzle books for one of the guys that I've put aside for recovery for a few dollars each.

[loveoaths]

writing log: 2021 + 2022

a recent conversation with a good friend made me realize: holy shit, i struggle to acknowledge my accomplishments, especially the creative ones. so i decided to start doing a yearly writing recap to log what work i've done, contextualize the environment i did that work in, and take a moment to just sit back and appreciate how i spent my year. this is the first time i'm doing this, so i'll be combining 2021 and 2022.

in 2021, i...

...got headfucked by illness, but kept writing.

this is not one of those "inspirational disability" things. long covid is the worst thing that's ever happened to me, physically and mentally, and that's saying something. i spent a solid two months not being able to walk, let alone think, and it took three more months for me to be able to read for longer than a few minutes at a time. at one point, my sixty-something year old mother had to hold me up so i could walk a lap around the block that i had been running months prior, and it was a super dark time. i am proud of myself for fighting for my health, advocating for humane treatment, and re-learning how to find solace and comfort and reprieve in reading and writing. i was recuperating in bed most of 2021 (when i wasn't struggling to keep my job lol) so i had a lot of time to come up with project ideas but zero stamina to finish them. i'm still not recovered, and have new chronic illnesses out the wazoo now, but i'm in a much better place these days.

...worked on 21 scripts.

includes new and old projects. my brain was scattered, but i tried.

...developed 12 new project premises.

some are good, others are dogshit. but who cares!

...finished 5 scripts.

three half-hour scripts, and two elevens. combined, that's almost two episodes of prestige television. i'm coming for your ass, tony gilroy!!!

...read 25 books.

comic books, ya novels, non-fiction, autobiographies, picture books; you name it, i read it. most of what i read went in one ear and out the other because of the covid brain damage, but i remember how soothing the act of reading a book while curled up with hot tea under a warm blanket was to my aching brain and body, and i'm glad i tried my best to read even if i knew i could barely understand. a third of this list is picture books and/or middle grade books and graphic novels because that's all i could handle at the beginning of the year. and you know what i found? a lot of those kids books are great, and heart-warming, and delightfully more nuanced than i had ever dreamed. the kids are gonna be alright.

...took 6 writing classes.

i'm glad i did this, but looking back on it this was kind of stupid. my brain was burdened by illness and my response was to... burden it more? for fun??? insane behavior. i highly recommend every course i took (chris amick's pilot development, multiple classes at writing pad, rad sechrist's project tv writing class, patricia villanuvella's 11-minute episode format class, and more) but i do not recommend taking them while your head is fucked. if anyone is interested in learning more about these courses, let me know!

...took on my first pitch project.

i was hired to help write and pitch a kids show, and learned a lot about the pitching process. mostly i learned that an upbeat attitude and a corny joke or two will go a long way. also, that the tv industry is an ouroboric cesspool constantly feeding on its own shit, but i digress.

...developed my first original show pitch.

it's uglier than sin but i love it. developing the pitch actually made me realize the concept is better as a novel series than a show, but i appreciate how much that process taught me about exploring format, structure, and the art of pitching.

...landed my first staff writing gig.

this was my proudest moment. in between numerous ER visits, doctor's appointments, health scares, housing issues, and more, i broke into the industry i love.

in 2022, i...

...was still pretty fucking sick, but doing better.

title says it all. despite losing my emotional support animal to leukemia, i hung in there. feels good.

...took on three writing mentees.

this is still the most shocking thing i did last year. i became a mentor to three fellow brown folks and i love them all dearly. i don't know if i'm a stellar mentor or anything, but i would do just about anything to help them reach their writing goals. i always thought i hated teaching, but it turns out i really enjoy working one-on-one with people as a guide rather than an instructor. my goal is to help all of my mentees break into their respective industries in the next two years.

...took three writing classes.

at this point i'm mostly taking these to meet people and learn new tips and tricks, but i still found them highly rewarding. plus, i realized i work best when i know someone expects to read what i've written the following week. nothing makes you keep a writing deadline like the pain of disappointing a peer! :D

...wrote 63,207 words for work.

i worked two staff writer gigs and seven freelance or contract gigs, and wrote more in a year than i ever have, ever. i know this number isn't high to prose writers, but a 25 page script is around 4,800 to 5,000 words. that's a lot of pages.

in total, i wrote around 22 scripts for work last year.

...wrote 50,018 words for original projects.

i only finished three scripts, and most definitely did not hit my goal of finishing my feature script, but i still finished. all three projects were complex, adult-oriented, and of personal significance to me, and it felt really good to finally finish them. i don't love all of them, honestly, but one of them got me my current manager and generated some buzz around my name that kept me employed, so i'm incredibly appreciative of the work i put into them, and the work they've given me in return.

...read 50 books.

this is my crowning achievement of 2022! i used to be an avid reader and then stopped out of nowhere for several years, but last year i fell back in love with reading, big time. i am proud to say that after a year of re-cultivating my reading comprehension and attention span, i can once again knock out a 300 page book in a day (with some assistance from my good ol' friend, hyperfixation). coaxing myself to just read five pages a day really helped me with some of the executive function issues of not wanting to pick up a book. if you're struggling with reading habits, i really recommend lowering your bar to entry. read for a minute, or read one page, or even just one paragraph. eventually the habit will reform and you'll be back to reading longer.

...wrote 51 loglines.

i struggled to come up with new, creative ideas in 2021, so this jump from 12 to 51 was startling, but highly satisfying. once i stopped worrying about whether the ideas were good, i was able to do more with the freeness that comes with happily being shit at something. and you know what? once i got the shit ideas out, i found a couple of really good ones at the bottom of the barrel.

...had a pretty alright year.

shit still went sideways, i was overworked and exhausted, and my personal life imploded, but looking back on it, i had a lot to be grateful for, and a lot of love and support in my corner, and i'm going to try to be mindful and thankful for the aforementioned as i push myself a teensy bit further in 2023.

...have a few goals for 2023.

they are:

work less, read more

write more indulgent stuff (gay porn, fic, all the nasty dark shit i like)

eat more veggies

do some fucking wrist exercises and get a desk pedaler because holy shit my joints are aging like MILK

thanks for reading.

[genderqueerdykes]

hey so I've had a lot of realisations regarding my gender recently and I needed somewhere to get them out, you seem very kind so I hope you don't mind. your blog has been very comforting since I found it.

so I'm a transmasc enby and have just recently realised I want to go on T. it took me a while to get the courage to book an appointment with my doctor but I finally did.

but then I got covid and had to cancel the appointment while I isolated. now I don't know when I'll be able to get a new time between work stuff.

on one hand I'm really frustrated it took me a while to actually get an appointment and then I immediately lost it because of bad timing. however, because of it I was able to reinforce to myself how much this means to me and how badly I truly want to get hormone treatment.

I had a lil breakdown but I also got to quiet my imposter syndrome cause I know a cis person wouldn't react this way to not being able to get hormones. I know with all my heart and soul that I'm not faking this but I hate that I needed it taken away from me to 100% realise that.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, if you do. I hope you're doing well, im trying my best to keep up the positive vibes.

im very sorry to hear that so many things happened and you ended up having a breakdown, but i don't blame you one bit. i get that though. i think sometimes it's almost kind of crucial to have that moment where you realize, you know what this IS what's right for me and it is important to me. it's so common in our experience to doubt and question ourselves, and often times that doubt is very strong. it doesn't make it right, though. i'm glad you were able to kind of have that lightbulb moment where you realized yes, this is important to me and yes i need this for my health.

i'm sorry that things are so complicated right now and it looks like your appointment will be postponed for a while. that's a very hard thing to deal with, it'll will be worth the wait. if possible, try to do other things for yourself in the meantime that help you feel more like yourself if you're able to. maybe get a few shirts that make you feel more like you, or something to that effect. little acts of self care go a long way

i hope you're able to get it sorted out. take care of yourself in the mean time, you deserve to go on T, I hope the fight isn't much longer. stay safe

[tellnxlies]

Tag followers you want to get to know better!

Name: Mae

Star Sign: Sagittarius

Height: 5''3"

Middle name: Nichole

Put your itunes/spotify/youtube on shuffle. What are the first 6 songs that popped up?

I pretty much put all of my music on a playlist for my recent flight, so let's shuffle it and see what we get:

Don't Even - We Are the Tigers musical

I'd Hate To Be You When People Find Out What This Song Is About - Mayday Parade

The Pitiful Children - Be More Chill musical

Oh Well, Oh Well - Mayday Parade

Seven Seas of Rhye - Queen

Piano Man - Billy Joel

Ever had a poem or song written about you: I don't think so, but I have done it for others before

When was the last time you played air guitar: Never in my life

Who is your celebrity crush?: Well damn I can't say that I have one, I don't really. Know celebrities off the top of my head at all. My partner calls me uncultured for a reason lol.

What’s a sound you hate? A sound you love?: Styrofoam makes me want to plug my ears just thinking about it. I don't know what it is about it that bothers me so much, but I will have an actual meltdown over how unpleasant it is to be around.

A sound I love would have to be a tie between piano music (I do play it!) and water of any sort (whether a fountain, the ocean, a river, etc.).

Do you believe in ghosts?: Yep

How about aliens: Undetermined on that one

Do you drive?: I do - and I do not like it. I get so much anxiety behind the wheel. Whenever we go anywhere together, my partner drives. And since they get anxiety being a passenger, it works out well.

If so have you ever crashed:  No, but I've been a passenger in one

What was the last book you read?: I'm currently on The Lightning Thief (Percy Jackson and the Olympians, Book 1), but at any given point in time I have The Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, The Silmarillion, etc. on hand. HUGE Tolkien fan.

Do you like the smell of gasoline: I do (sue me)

What was the last movie you saw?: It and It Chapter 2

What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?: Mhm I have a fair few health issues, so it's a bit hard to rate. I had to go to the ER the other day because I had some blood drawn after a doctor's appointment and it wouldn't stop bleeding for 1.5-2 hours (my blood does not clot well). I had a bad shoulder dislocation once when I was a teenager as well (my joints dislocate very easily, I'm honestly still not sure how that one happened).

Do you have any obsessions right now?: I have a few things at the moment. I picked up Lord of the Rings Online again after years of not playing, I am finally getting Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom today (I was on a trip when it came out), I've been checking out the Welcome Home ARG...

Tagged by (stolen from): @pluviacuratio

Tagging: @turnecoat @reiketsui @spidermuses @faetedforglory and whoever else wants to!! Please feel free to steal it from me.

[suitelifeofzackandmody]

update / where the hell have you been?? (sep 13)

i can't believe my last post was eight months ago. i mean, i can believe it. i do have a history of abandoning blogs and other social media projects, usually for no apparent reason. this time, though, i kind of know why.

i had my first appointment with my new pcp in february. she was lovely, but when i went to get bloodwork done and do the follow-up appointment, my insurance had a meltdown and refused to cover it for reasons i couldn't seem to get to the bottom of. supposedly, this medical group and practice was in-network, and i am lucky enought that i can choose my pcp, but they still denied coverage for the follow-up after they had covered my previous visit with her with no issue. whatever. it took me two months to get it sorted, and by that time i was drowning in exams and homework and i was not in the mood to take care of it. i said i would make an appointment over the summer, but i didn't. i'm a big numbers person, and so seeing the results of recent labwork, whether it be good or bad, is a big motivator for me to eat healthy and exercise. Without having that, and with no doctor's appointment in sight to act as an accountability check-in, i just did whatever i wanted, which was almost always the exact opposite of what i'm supposed to be doing.

i also had a family incident back in march that left me reeling and demoralized. i will not go into any detail as it is private, but it turned what was supposed to be a joyous occasion into something that haunted me mentally and emotionally for months. my mental health in march-june was at the lowest point it has been for a very long time, and i had absolutely no one i could talk to about it. it was scary. i coped by secretly bingeing food (especially sweets, which as a type 2 diabetic is obviously a huge no-no) and ignoring my responsibilities in favor of any distraction that would keep me from having a thought(tm). unsurprisingly, my grades slipped, my physical health went to shit, i hated myself and my body, and i was ten times more miserable than before. i've never really had friends on campus, but i had people from my classes i was cool with that i talked to, but even those relationships crumbled for reasons i didn't understand. my social anxiety shot through the roof, and the more i was pushed away by these people the more i tried to contort myself into someone they liked, to no avail. i was constantly having issues at work, and i was on campus for so many hours per day four days per week around people that no longer liked me, it was all just completely unsustainable. mercifully, the semester did end, but by the time it did i was left with no friends, no job, a substantially lower gpa than i was okay with, and a brain that wanted to off itself. i had orignally planned on taking online classes during the summer session, but it was clear that i was burned out and would need to spend the summer finding a new job and just trying to patch my life up as best i could.

thankfully, there were also some good moments, too. i was able to take a trip over the summer and see some beautiful nature and visit one of my favorite places. it was a whirlwind that was a ton of fun and exactly what i needed, but it was also an exhausting week. i came back with some concerning symptoms that i probably should have investigated further, but i am still alive and they pretty much went away, so idk. i went to the beach for the day a few times, which has always been really good for my mental health. i started a casual creative writing project that i just work on whenever and don't worry too much about writing well that makes me happy. the fall semester has begun, and i decided to take all online classes, and things are going really well. i am healing, and while there are things i am still grappling with like proper diet and exercise or loneliness, i am a lot better than i was just a couple of months ago.

i hope to get back on track healthwise in the next few weeks. i let my gym membership expire because it was expensive and i wasn't using it, but i think it's time to go back. i am getting back into meal prepping, but it is more difficult than usual because right now i am experiencing aversions to the texture and/or taste of most vegetables and fruits (among other healthy foods), so i am trying to find ways to hide them. i am working on a smoothie recipe that is so far going pretty well, but it is still naturally higher in sugar than i want and i'm not sure how to deal with that.

the goal of this blog has always been to document my journey, keep myself accountable, and to have a place to share some of my thoughts on food, physical and mental health/wellness, and what it's like being a young person with type 2 diabetes existing in a fat body. this has not changed in the last few months, but it was just not something i had the capacity to think about or write about lately. now that i am in a better place, however, that is exactly what i'll be doing. i plan on posting something at least once per week, whether it's an update on how i'm doing, a recipe i've created or a review of one i've tried, a story i want to share, or other thoughts i have on these topics. if that sounds like something you want to see, please stick around!

<3 thanks for reading <3

-suitelifeofzackandmody

[n3on-graveston3s-calling]

I'm gonna answer these both right now.

These have been sitting in my ask box for a few days and admittedly, I was just gonna let them rot there but.

Let's talk.

I write in my spare time. I don't get paid to write fanfictions ( unless they are commissioned pieces, which are all on a hold for the foreseeable future ), imagines, etc. It's something I do when I have the time & I have the muse to do so.

Why haven't I been writing as much?

-I suffered 2 major deaths in my family literally 2 weeks apart from each other. The first one, I was in vacation in another state & had to cut it short, turn around, and drive 1600 miles in 3 days to go home, pick up my family, drive to my other family, have the funeral, go through a tornado outbreak that same night while staying in a hotel & having nowhere to go, find out that some of my relatives houses were damaged & the city they lived in had been majorly damaged by the tornadoes, and then drive home. And then, 2 weeks later, there's another death on the other side of my family. So my summer was spent grieving and in funerals.

-Prior to that, I have depression!! I had a depressive episode that lasted for a hot minute where I didn't do anything!!

-NOW, I got a new job & am back to work for the first time in 1 year and 8 months. It took me a year and eight months to find a job that is nowhere even near my degree field. Wild shit. Anyways. My new job takes a LOT of mental strength. I work as an attorney's assistant. I work Wednesday & Thursday, all day. Fridays are my half days. Which doesn't sound bad!! Except I have a stack of things I have to file that is nearly 200 pages deep bc there was a gap between the person before me leaving & when I started that they got behind. So I'm busy 20 hours a week. & what I handle can be VERY emotionally hard, as I've recently found out. I can't share details bc privacy laws- but I have to read some not great shit.

-In the 4 days that I have off, I help my mother. I'm a partial caretaker for her; I do all of the grocery runs & doctor appointments in those spare times.

So. Yknow. I enjoy writing, I have requests that I've been working on & things in my drafts that I do work on in my free time, but like. I have a life, yknow? And I know everyone has shit going on in their personal lives, I get that. I know fanfiction & fandom is an escape.

But I'm just a person. I have a partner who I try to spend as much time as possible with bc we're long distance. There's a lot more happening that I'm not gonna talk about here because quite frankly- it isn't anyone's business.

I love writing. I love making fanfiction and I love writing requests but y'all have got to stop treating us writers like your personal fiction creators that exist only for your beck & call. Bc I've seen that happen a LOT over the last few years. Majority of us do this for free because we enjoy it. That's it.

So yeah. I will post when I have something done or if I have any silly little thoughts I wanna share about whichever character is taking up space in my brain.

K thanks bye.

[upward-stair]

R+R 3: Time Perception and It's Hold On my Life

Since I was in elementary school I've always been extremely aware of time like how long it would take to get places, how long certain things took to do and how much time people spent preforming certain tasks. For the longest time I kept a watch and would compulsively check it every 30 minutes to am hour. Some days it was so bad I would check it even if I already knew the approximate or even the exact time. I no longer have a watch on me everyday but I do still check the time rather frequently.

Something that I find myself doing now that I'm more responsible for me own appointments and general schedule is I will mentally map out how long it will take for me to finish all task that atr nessisary for me to get to the main event of the plan. I'll provide an example using a doctor's appointment.

Let's say that I have a doctor's appointment at 9:30 am (I always start my days early). Either as I wake up or the night before I would think the following sequence in my head.

Ex:

"I have my alarm set for 8:00am and waze(a GPS app) says that It will take me 27 minutes to get there. That means I take 15 minutes in the bathroom till 8:15 then I pick and choose an outfit in 10 minutes. I'll likely only use 5 of those minutes to actually dress up but the rest is for any sort of procrastination till the next task at 8:25. After that I will gather any materials I need for the outing(🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈/hj) till 8:40 to account for anything I miss doing before or as a buffer for if I wake up late, procrastinate or get side tracked doing something else. From 8:40 till 8:50 I prepare and/or consume breakfast. After that I prepare music for the ride there and hopefully arrive early on account of the extra time I built in. "

Its quite a lot especially considering it usually only takes one phone call from someone else or a demand from my mother to ruin the plan but I always do it for everything.

This also leads me into my need to be early and do so consistently. All for my senior year of highschool school always started at 8:10am but I always wanted to be in the building or at least at the parking lot by 7:42 am. It was to the point where if I was a minute late I would become stressed and anxious even though I would always be early or at least on time if I had stopped to talk to a friend or my partner or needed to complete a task prior ro attending class.

Another aspect of how it controls my life is when I can track information (I will be making a post about this eventually) from it. One thing that really annoyed me when I first started using Tumblr is that by default times and dates are all removed from posts. You can turn it on in settings but it made it feel as if I was always just looking at things that happened forever ago instead of recently. How I use time on posts for example is to determine the mood of my mutuals (very few on here usually more on Instagram and other places). If I see that a person posts that they are mad about something at 2pm. and they post something that they like at 4pm typically (obviously it's person specific but I'm generalizing here) they are over that topic or have pushed it to the side for temporary joy. In the other circumstance though 4pm post about the same thing or a similar thing means that I usually inquire about the topic if nessisary. It also leads me to track when specific actions took place based on memory (not based on post time but general time and sequence of events). If I lost my keys after coming home in the after noon at 3 and I know that at 4:10(I don't usually remember the time just the event orders) I was on a call where I was spinning them on my fingers and I accidentally flung it behind something but never picked it up then I will check there first. It also leads me to track people and their actions (not in a weird way. I am not stalking people even though it would be easy for me to). Say I know someone that can't drive has a date at 4:30pm and we have a text conversation from 4pm to 4:15 pm. If the conversation was on hobbies they maybe thinking about what they will say on the date especially considering if it's their first date with this person. I can also conclude that they may be taking public transport or may have hitched a ride with another friend to get there and Depending on where they live and where the date is I may even be able to note their location at a specific time based on how long they've been going for. Again not in a creepy stalker way. More of a you presented the information and I connected the dots way (instead of actively looking for it). Back to school, I did a similar thing with how I memorize the schedules of all my friends because they just talked about their classes at specific times.

thanks for reading and remember that windows and mirrors both show you the world but you can only pass through one of them

-Q