#or tbh @anyone please id like to stop being human for a bit

[birbtails]

i think, perhaps, i should have dropped this class when i was told that there would be 4 essays that were due "whenever" (aka by the end of the semester). i think i probably should have known myself well enough that i would know that i would end up pulling an all nighter to write all 4 essays the day before they are due. i have written approximately 1/3 of the first essay and it is 4:30 am. i will not learn from this in the slightest. i want to go to bed

[alicedoessurveys]

Doctor Who Tag

yes im a nerd...

CHILDHOOD

1. Did you like DW as a child?

I was 10 when it came back on telly with Eccleston and the first episode with the autons scared me so much my mom wouldn't let me watch it again until a couple years later, but yeah my teens I was obsessed with DW... still am at age 25

2. Your age at the time of the revival?

10

3. First DW episode you ever saw?

‘Rose’

4. Did you have any of the toys?

I still have the eleventh doctor’s screwdriver... I used to have some of the figures but there in storage now somewhere

5. Which DW character did you play on the playground?

didn't play it on the playground

6. Monster(s) that scared you most as a child?

all of them! the ones that still scare me now are the Cybermen and the Autons... genuinely cant walk past a shop mannequin without being suspicious 

7. Joke/story you didn’t get as a kid?

as a kid, any of the innuendo type jokes

8. DW opinion that has changed since you were a kid?

idk I think I still have the same opinions

9. Who introduced you to DW?

parents

10. Did you like Sarah Jane Adventures as a child?

I LOVED SJA!! I miss that show, and Elizabeth Slade :(

DOCTOR

11. Who is your Doctor?

Ten was the doctor that made me fall in love with Doctor Who 

12. Your favourite Doctor?

omg why not just ask me who my favourite child is... (I don't have kids but you know what I mean) if I had to chose my top three are ten, eleven and thirteen

13. Least favourite Doctor?

purely just because he doesn't have enough episodes... nine...

14. Best regeneration?

none of them I hate regenerations :( they make me sad, im too emotionally invested in every single one

15. Do you like “Doctor-Lite” episodes?

they're not my faves

16. Who is the most human Doctor?

I think nine maybe? or twelve?

17. Best multi-Doctor story?

the 50th anniversary special 

18. Best Doctor monologue?

“Hello Stonehenge! who takes the pandorica, takes the universe. but bad news everyone, cause guess who? HA! You lot you're all whizzing about- its really very distracting. Could you all just stay still a minute because I AM TALKING. Question of the hour is, who's got the pandorica? Answer, I do. Next question, who's coming to take it from me? Come on, look at me! No plan. No backup. No weapons worth a damn. oh and something else, I don't have anything to lose. So, if you're sitting up there in your silly little spaceship with all your silly little guns and you've got any plans on taking the pandorica tonight... just remember who's standing in your way. remember ever black day I ever stopped you and then- AND THEN- do the smart thing... let somebody else try first.”

not copied and pasted, remember that from the top of my head... its always there waiting in my mind incase I ever need an epic monologue :’)

19, What do you think TenToo/MetaCrisis Doctor is doing now?

hopefully living his best life with Rose

20. Best Doctor/companion pairing?

ten and donna 

COMPANIONS

21. Favourite companion?

Donna, Clara, Amy

22. Favourite secondary companion?

is Mickey classed as secondary? idk

23. Least favourite companion?

Ryan

24. Best TARDIS Team?

Doctor, Amy and Rory

25. Most underrated companion?

Graham, but that may just be cause I love Bradders

26. Most overrated companion?

Rose... I like her but idk, I think she gets more hype than she deserves.. don't @ me

27. Favourite companion’s family?

Rose’s mom

28. Who should have been a companion but wasn’t?

idk I cant think of anyone

29. Favourite (canon or non-canon) DW universe relationship?

Amy and Rory

30. Who did you not used to like, but really like now?

wasn't keen on Bill at first but by the end I really liked her, same with Rory

EPISODES

31. Favourite episode ever?

girl in the fireplace

32. Least favourite episode?

most of Chibnall’s episodes tbh sorry not sorry 

33. Which episodes do you skip?

the regeneration episodes

34. Best two-parter?

Human Nature - Family of Blood

35. Historical, present day or futuristic episodes?

I like them all in there own way but I think present is fave, then historical, then future

36. Episode that will always make you smile?

all of them

37. Episode that will always make you cry?

Rory and Amy’s last episode :’(

38. Best run of episodes?

ugh I cant answer this theres too many 

39. Best cliffhanger?

the end of Spyfall part one when the Master reveals who he is... I was SHOOK

40. Favourite Christmas special?

Voyage of the Damned

SERIES

41. Classic Who or New Who?

new who

42. Favourite series?

four or five

43. Least favourite series?

eleven, I just cant with the writing

44. Which series do you skip?

none

45. Favourite series opening?

eleventh hour

46. Favourite series finale?

Doomsday

47. Best series arc?

Bad Wolf

48. Thoughts on series 11/12?

I adore Jodie Whittaker and her doctor, and although I think 3 companions is too many I do love Yaz and Graham (Ryan is hit & miss). I just think theyve been massively let down by the stories/writing... they’ve tried to hard to tick certain boxes and completely missed what Doctor Who is about for a lot of people.. an escape from the real world into these outrageous unbelievable but lovable fun alien adventures 

49. How much of Classic Who have you seen?

not a lot

50. Who should have had another series?

NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE 

MONSTERS

51. Favourite monster/villain?

the master 

52. Most creative monster?

Weeping Angels, whoever came up with monsters that look like statues and only move when you're not looking at them is genius 

53. Monster(s) that scares you most?

Autons, Cybermen, the creepy dolls from Night Terrors, the ones from Waters of Mars, Weeping Angels

54. Monster you think is too easy to defeat?

idk

55. Least favourite monster/villain?

absorbaloff

56. Monster you want to return?

The Master, I really hope that isn't the last we see of Dhawan

57. In your opinion, what makes a monster good?

being genuinely scary, 

58. Daleks, Cybermen or Weeping Angels?

Weeping Angels

59. Best Dalek story?

Daleks in Manhatten

60. Best one time villain/monster?

my brain has gone blank I cant think of an answer right now 

ADDITIONAL MATERIAL

61. Torchwood or Sarah Jane Adventures?

SJA

62. Favourite Torchwood Team member?

I haven't watched it all so I couldn't say 

63. Which Torchwood death made you saddest?

again, not watched it all 

64. Do you rewatch COE or MD?

huh

65. Favourite SJA Team member?

Sarah Jane

66. Mr Smith or K-9?

K-9

67. Maria or Rani?

Rani

68. Do you read the comics/novels or listen to Big Finish?

Nope

69. If you do, your favourite additional stories?

n/a

70. Do you like DW analysis (video essays, fan theories, etc)?

yes

DESIGN/PRODUCTION

71. Favourite piece of alien tech?

the sonic, I love how it is so multipurpose except for when it comes to wood 

72. Favourite piece of Murray Gold music?

I am the Doctor - gets me pumped every time 

73. Favourite TARDIS design?

Ten’s Tardis 

74. Has the 2005 era CGI aged well?

actually yeah, I was rewatching the ‘are you my mummy’ episodes the other day and my God when the gas masks emerged from the faces... ooooooof I was like omg how 

75. Favourite Doctor outfit?

eleven or thirteen

76. Monster with the best design?

not really a design more of a costume.. I live Dhawan master’s costume. that shade of purple, oof he so stylish 

77. Best show runner?

idk

78. Best writer?

Gatiss

79. Best opening titles?

eleven’s titles where the Tardis is flying and being zapped is cool but thirteens music hits different 

80. Will DW age well/stay popular in the future?

I hope so, I feel like its lasted this long surely it can last forever.. if the writers don't fuck it up... 

IF YOU WERE IN THE SHOW

81. Time period you’d want to go with the Doctor?

whatever time means Id get to wear the most beautiful costumes

82. Planet/place you’d want to go with the Doctor?

Galifrey, pre-desctruction

83. Doctor you’d most like to travel with?

any of them, please and thank you

84. Companion you’d most like to travel with?

donna, sceso a good laugh but also I feel like she’d look after me 

85. Monster you’d like to defeat/fight?

The Master 

86. If you could go back on your own history (like Father’s Day), where would you go?

back to when I was a toddler, I wanna see what I was like 

87. If you could ask the Doctor anything, what would you ask?

theres too many to ask 

88. Historical figure you’d like to meet?

Shakespeare

89. How do you think you’d meet the Doctor?

id probably be rescued from doing something stupid and then the doc would be like you know what the bitch clearly needs supervision she's coming with me 

90. Would you travel forwards or backwards in time first?

backwards

IF YOU MADE THE SHOW

91. Historical event would you like to see in DW?

Hamilton

92. Issue you’d like to see addressed in DW?

idk 

93. Who would you completely erase from the DW universe?

Ruth

94. One unanswered DW question you’d love to know the answer to?

where is Clara now?

95. Actor/actress you’d like to see play the Doctor?

Phoebe Waller Bridge (or Lin Manuel Miranda)

96. Actor/actress you’d like to see play a companion?

Andrew Scott (yes I did just basically recast fleabag and hot priest)

97. Is DW “too political”?

series 11 got a bit like that 

98. Which characters fate would you changed?

Danny Pink

99. What about DW could be improved?

I think ive made my options about Chibnall pretty clear... 

100. If you could write an episode of DW, any ideas for what you’d do

bring back Jenny, the Doctor / Daughter adventures they would have. I’m actually writing a fic about it if you wanna read.... here

[tommyquackson]

Getting Me a Little Bit | t. holland | part 2

Not My Gif

summary: toms an angel but his life begins changing when he meets one of the most dangerous monsters he’s ever heard of, you. angel!tom and demon!au

warnings: cursing, uh angels? blood and stuff

note: yea idek why i made a part 2 tbh but make sure y’all request!!!

Walking into the Office of Heavenly Affairs, Tom is nervous. Y/ns walking next to him, somehow acting confident and innocent at the same time. She has a small smile on her face and a file in her small hands and she’s leading Tom through the building like she’s been here multiple times before. It isn’t until they arrive into the Demon and Unholy Creatures Department that he realizes y/ns winging this whole thing. He watches her as they both walk up to the secretary’s desk. The secretary, Harmony, recognizes Tom, but her face twists in confusion when her eyes meet Y/n.

“Tom, they’re almost ready for you in the conference room. May I ask who you are?” Harmony speaks to y/n.

“Harmony, I know i’m not down in this division a lot, but I do find it insulting that you don’t remember me. But I forgive you.” Y/n smiles sweetly, showing a ID badge with her name and picture on it. Harmonys eyes widen in shock.

“I’m sorry, I don’t think we’ve met” Harmony speaks. Y/n sighs and rests on her elbows on the desk, looking into Harmonys eyes. It’s only a few seconds but suddenly Harmonys face flashes with recognition.

“Ms. Y/n! My deepest apologies, i don’t know where my mind has gone, please forgive me. Are you on official business with Agent Holland?” She smiles typing things into her computer.

“Yes I am, it was great seeing you again.” Y/n smiles, tapping the desk before looking at Tom and winking and walking away and towards the conference room where the meeting will be held.

She waits at the door for Tom and he pulls it open, straightening his collar while walking in. He and Y/n walk up to the table and sit down.

“Ah, Agent Holland, im fairly busy today so- oh, who is this?” One of his directors speak now looking at y/n, who immediately stands and hands the file over.

“Hi, I’m Y/n over at the Government Division, as you know, our reports show there’s a suspected 434 demons and other unspeakable creatures in the government in New York City alone, not including Lower Statten Island, but once we tackle our larger issues we’ll take care of the smaller challenges. Anyway, I was doing work in Hell’s Kitchen last night and realized you had field agents stationed there, specifically in The Devil, a popular nightclub. Now that’s not his fault, but it is yours because it has come to my attention that you haven’t alerted us or anyone for that matter about suspected demon activity, now as you know that’s a serious offense and I would hate to see a lot of your hard work be wasted simply because you were careless on a small intel project.” She finishes and looks sweetly at all the Angels sitting on the opposite of the table.

“We sent Agent Holland because we believe there to be a succubus in that nightclub, we didn’t think we’d have to alert anyone about our own mission. What did you say your name was again?” The first Director speaks up, looking her up and down.

“What is it with you guys today? Is there something in the water? Y/n with the Government Division. Have you not been getting my memos?” She puts her hand on her hip and looks at all of them.

“Uh no, I mean yes mam we have, but we had a credible lead that-“

“Well your lead isn’t as credible as you think, Tom, please give them the status report from last night.” She looks at Tom and nods.

“Oh uh, upon entering I saw no suspicious activity, everything was surprisingly human. I was there for a while and no trace or word of a succubus in that club,” Tom gulps, he hadn’t realized how much he didn’t think of what he was going to tell them.

“Great, so, I think you it’s safe to say you can stay out of GDs jurisdiction and we can avoid stepping on each other wings. It was lovely seeing all of you, see you at the Christmas gathering.” Y/n speaks, grabbing the file back and walking out of the room.

Tom is dismissed immediately after and jogs to catch up with her.

“What was in that file, they believed everything you were saying,” Tom gasps.

“Oh it’s empty, i just projected whatever I was saying onto the file and it appeared, simple illusions. Now shall we go get lunch?” She smiles, clothes changing as soon as she steps out of the stark white building.

—

2 weeks later and Tom has been hanging out with the literal spawn of satan nearly everyday. Except for last week when Y/n disappeared for 4 days and came back looking a little worse for wear. She demanded Tom to not talk about it or even question her when she arrived at his place.

Toms been neglecting his heavenly duties to spend more time with her. Although it always made him sick when she brought men to his place while he was out for a bit. He hoped it wouldn’t be a regular occurrence in the future.

He hadn’t seen her today however, she said yesterday that she had important things to do and wasn’t sure when she’d be back. She seemed annoyed at whatever she had to do, but Tom held his tongue.

He sat in his living room, eating spaghetti and watching a beautiful nature documentary. The polar bear cubs struggling to find food always struck a cord in Tom, it seemed so cruel and unfair. He watched as camera men followed penguins and seals around for 5 months and analyzed their behavior.

He’s interrupted by a quiet knock and then a large thump against his front door. He stands and moves quietly to the door, wondering who could be knocking at 11pm on a Tuesday? Y/n always appears in whatever room he’s in, usually scaring him half to death.

He slowly pulls open the door and her smaller body falls into his arms. Y/ns halfway covered in dark blood and her horns look battered. She looks up at him and her face is covered in cuts and more dried blood. Her “human” eyes are hidden and the whole space is covered in black with low flames flickering. She smiles lightly and he can see her sharp teeth barely poking out.

He pulls her in and lays the demon on the couch, spewing questions in her direction.

“Tommy, relax. You yelling at me ain’t gonna cure my headache” She winces, clenching her jaw.

“Y/n, what happened” He asks softly.

“Don’t wanna talk about it” y/n goes to turn over but quickly hisses and grab her ribs.

“You have to” He stands up straighter.

“I don’t fucking want to” She nearly growls. He’d be more scared if she wasn’t so pathetic looking.

“Y/n, I don’t care what you want to do. You need to tell me what happened so I can help you, NOW!” He shouts the last part and she almost chuckles at how adorable the angel looks yelling at her.

“had’t go t’hell and ran into s”trouble with m’dad” She mumbles, looking at the TV instead of Tom.

“I can’t hear you when you mumble” He says rolling his eyes at her stubbornness.

“I had to go to hell to do some shit and Lucifer found out I was there and decided to meet with me but things took a bad turn and I got my ass kicked by a bunch of leviathans while my dad watched” She spits out, louder and clearer.

“Oh”

“Yep, and since they beat me so damn bad, none of my powers or magic works, had to walk all the way here from the nearest portal, which i’m not sure if you’re aware, is VERY far” She pushes through and sits up on the couch.

“Why did he do it?” Tom asks quietly, unsure of the question was upsetting.

“Eh, there’s a few reasons. Main one being he’s god damn Satan. The other is he found out I was at the Office of Heavenly Affairs, got pissed and accused me of being a traitor” She shrugs like the information is nothing, leading Tom to wonder how much stuff y/ns already dealt with.

“Well, uh. I can do my best to patch you up and you can sleep in my bed.” Tom pushes his glasses up on his face and rushes to get some things to help, he doesn’t usually get hurt so he’s not super prepared, but he’s got the basics.

He spends a few minutes trying his best to disinfect her most serious wounds and cleaning the voood off of her. His hands are shaky as he sews a few cuts up but she doesn’t seem to notice, by looking at Y/ns face, you wouldn’t even know she’s in pain. She’s staring at the now black TV, watching her blurry reflection. Her eyes have gone back to normal and her horns have retreated, though it’s still not easy to read her. Tom usually prides himself on being able to read body language but he’s drawing a blank with y/n. Is she mad? maybe upset? maybe just tired? He’s not sure.

“Thanks tommy.” She winks as he wipes the last bit of ointment on her skin. She stands and clenches her jaw to stop from groaning in pain.

She walks towards the front door, leaving Tom in complete and utter confusion before he snaps to action.

“Wait! What? You can’t leave you’re hurt and in pain, you-“

“I’m fine” She shrugs, not turning around.

“No you aren’t! Why are you denying this, you need to stay here.” Toms eyebrows furrow together.

“Why does it fucking matter?” She finally turns around, eyes switched back to her demon form.

“Because you’re my friend,” Tom speaks quietly. He looks down at the ground afraid of her glare.

“Let’s get one thing straight Thomas. I don’t need a friend, which means i don’t need the bullshit that comes with them. I don’t need you to care about me got it? I’m perfectly fine without you, so don’t act like I need you to survive or like you’re the goddamn air i breathe. You’re nothing to me but an idiot fucking angel. So i’m gonna fucking leave and you’re gonna fucking let me. Any questions?” She throws her hands towards him. His head shoots up at her.

“You came here? You didn’t go to the club, you walked all the way from the nearest portal, which is 34 blocks by the way, you needed someone and you came here. Don’t get mad just because you want to be the one to hurt someone instead of the other way around. So you can leave if you really want to y/n, but don’t lie about why you’re doing it because you’re only fooling yourself” He spurts out, face red and hands shaky.

Y/n doesn’t say anything for a while. Just stares in anger, her eyes fill with tears and she quickly wipes them away as they fall.

“I don’t wanna be friends anymore Tom, that’s it.” She shakes out between her deep shudders of breath. She turns and limps out quickly, slamming Toms front door behind her.

[yvvaine]

I was wondering if any [past or present] Jonerys, Pro-Daenerys fans like myself feel this way.....?

Firstly Id say please be nice i just enjoy analyzing the shit out of fandoms I like, (im a history/polysci major ((with an emphasis on Peace Justice and & Conflict Studies)) all i do is analyze and try to be diplomatic lmao) but considering all they petty drama between both ships as well as pro/anti Daenerys stans ON BOTH SIDES I’m going to be “That Person” and at least ask for people to be respectful/civil, I want to hear from everyone and their metas/what they think which is why i tagged like, all the tags, no matter if you love her/the ship or cant stand it, as long as everyone can keep civil So firstly I’ve loved Dany both books and show from the beginning. She’s gorgeous, wants to be the best person she can be, and her hair/fashion style game is always ON POINT.  That being said, somewhere around season 5 i think i’ve found my opinion on her cooling a little bit, ep after ep, till now. Like I still like her bc she was my first character love on the show but I’ve def soured in my opinion on her. Maybe it’s because I love learning about the subject that im more baised (im hoping thats the case) but she just seemed to have no interest in actual governance, just the reputation (esp of being the ‘rebel queen’)/the awe/the power/the thrill of the adoration that went along with it to the point where I feel like though she still wants to be a ‘good queen’ or at least wants to be seen that way, she doesnt want to do much work for the title. Like yeah she freed all the slaves and that was a def progressive and awesome move on her part (major props! slavery is sin and im glad someone recognized that who had the power to do something about it) but she didnt handle that aftermath or ensuing problems well at all nor really mulled heavily on the subject to find the best solution. She just got fustrated with pretty basic/common (albeit complex in themselves) issues of standard governance and kind of went agh! fuck this! (obv not actual quotes but that was the vibe I got). And then ESPECIALLY after season 7 her character has kind of nagged at me in the back of brain which i hate but its inherent like its just a feeling i cant help it?? I just dont know why to be honest that Im feeling so negative towards this character i used to love.  The whole ‘ bEnD thE knEe ‘ thing w/ Jon and yet pinning it on Jon’s pride not equally on his and her own was more than a little hypocritical, when hon they can discuss it later like at that point they have two common enemies the WW and Cersei they both want to do away with, and then again with the Bend the Knee or Die bit w/ the Lannister soldiers. In fact the whole sequence before that point felt kind of villinous I dearsay, I mean  deliberately burning the harvest that most of westeros needs for the winter or even strategically not willing to try, and well, nOOt intentionally burn the food considering its winter, the harvest is over (so likely not much is gonna grow in the time being) when she has a G I A N T ass army of her own to think of feeding???? Like i get it is war shit happens soldiers die but the F O O D ? Was that an impuslive in the moment mistake or did she just not give a fuck? And back to the aftermath scene/Bend the Knee 2.0, her speech was again quite hypocritical...and burning dickon?????? not willing to keep prisoners???? either bend or die??? I actually am glad she did away with Papa Tarly bc he was an awful human, but dickon????? a young idealistic man about to loose his father??? the heir to a major ally/house???? And honestly that bend or die strategy is soooooo dumb bc now she cant trust any of them like theyre only bending the knee out of self preservation homie, no one wants to die. they bend  the knee to survive and now they all of the sudden think youre their queen? Nah fam, prisoners were better, all you got are spies in your camps or people willing to backstab you at the smallest promise of coin. And i dont want that for my girl

IDK the whole “im gonna BREAK THE WHEEL,,,,,,,,yet im stating my claim mainly on my housename (aka the predominant force of said wheel for a literal dynasty) and the fact that i can scare people who otherwise are unconvinced bc lets be real westeros has had a bad run of rulers a lot of which were Targs in the past couple decades, into submission bc ill burn you otherwise???” doesnt sit well with me nor does it feel like the character ive been rooting for the past five-ish seasons. She just doesnt seem to put into effort on understanding Westeros, why things go wrong, being self-critical or sharing the blame,thinking on what a “good” ruler would do.... anyone else feeling this way and if so do you think this is just shitty writing? D&D butchering her character? or a new arc for her? perhaps the way shes always been? She just seems like a tantruming child bratty and entitled idk (a beautiful child but still)  As for jonerys...... im not gonna go into it much but how are other shippers happy????????? I honestly dont understand. I was SO looking forward to this season/this ship. like so much! But it felt so forced? And i know a lot of people claim its cause its rushed but tbh we’ve had a lot of romances in a similar time frame that felt like A C T U A L romances.....even Talisa/Robb who the Northerners will prob compare any of this too were so much better. THIS WAS MY EPIC SHIP DUDE. I feel the dany side of things (took a while but theres def heart eyes) and yet Jon???? He felt hollow. Still does even after sex. Im so disapointed but more than that I cant see the romance or the chemistry. He looks constipated. Hes never smiled like with his teeth around her the way hes done w others he cares deepily about (ygritte, toramund, sansa, even fkin gendry in the first scene they had together). He never reveals anything about himself. And between the “my queen” ep (and remember he was look warm when discussing her to toramund throughout it) and the previous the only thing that changed was that he saw the actual difference dragons made against WW. You could argue she saved them all too but that doesnt make you fall in love w someone out of the blue and also people have saved his ass before and??? Sansa w the vale anyone??? (Not an argument for jonsa js its happened) (though ill admit ive transitioned to loathing jonerys and loving jonsa more as a potential couple in the space of seven eps where if you asked me I wouldve been like PSH u cray. I never thought it would happen in a mill years but D&D ruined my ship and here i am! Shipping aside tho since its best too look at these things as neutral as possible).  Anyways the sigh of his after she left and when he pretended to be asleep.... idk. The only scene that felt genuine and where Jon smiled and it didnt look like a full on grimace and they actually kinda joked around was really nice and at the pit at the finale and if they do a LOT more of basic romance stuff like that I could ship it again but. It was followed by boatsex and boy.  I was hoping boatsex might rekindle my like for the two together. I could see the chemistry the passion. I was hoping the passion would overwhelm me and make up for the rest. But instead......like there was no foreplay, it lasted 2 seconds, and it was overplayed by brans voice and a reminder of future conflict or at the very least major angst b/w the two. i didnt see the parallel between regear and lyanna playing alongside their scene as anything romantic or that it should be taken as such. and the look they shared.... I was hoping jon would bring it bc Dany’s look in her eyes is like soooo smitten and adorable and say what you will I still have a space in my heart for her and still dont want her to suffer, but again Jon looks like oh shit/constipated. And not in a good oh shit way either.  There is a bunch more too but Imma stop there bc Im just tired at this point.  So many things were just....off this season. And it cant all be blamed on the “rushed” time frame. I’ve read the undercover lover theory and hon it makes the most sense (not perfect sense but still, more than what we’ve been poorly spoon fed) but im not willing to believe it just yet. Still, maybe D&D are just butchering a lot of things like making the romance believable and stuff for the sake of time that could be true i guess. But they like to go AHA GOT U so  Idk I dont find a lot of meta in the jonerys tag bc honestly (((((i think its bc the tag and ship are more popular and theirs more people both good and bad)))) it doesnt seem like snowballing theories is something all fans take really well in the tag at all. But whatever. I really want to know, is there any meta or theories im missing to either validate the icky feeling Im haveing about D or her “romance” or on the flipside anything that might make me change my mind about it? Theories, meta people! I just want to reiderate im not trying to hate on anyone or any point of view and I will flag any comment anti one ship or person or another if its plain hateful or rude. I just want to understand it and see what Im missing, esp because of how much I was looking forward to her arc and jonerys’ dynamic and how much the words “falling short” dont seem to cover it. And to see if im not the only one to either have critique on the ship or her character [or even actually change ships] Also i apologize for how much ive said “IDK” i just..... I DONT KNOW 

[chenguanrui]

🐻: lmfaooooo not the dick joke 😭 but that was really funny of him 😌 id honestly loveeeeee 2 talk abt ten he’s so cool so your askbox is perfect tbh! wjxjrjs that pokemon metaphor PLEASE i took a bite of that fairyland food and now i’m stuck here 😭 i feel like i’ll tell on myself if i talk too much abt my biases but i’ll say that 2 of my faves are jaehyun and joy! and i’d love to hear about your favorite eras for ten, as well as some of your favorite songs (kpop or not!) :000

lol i’m sorry but i do love a brave dumb man who is not afraid to open his mouth and Say Things. i hate to admit it but it’d probably make my top 10 ten moments. i love replaying it in my head and just remembering everyone’s faces. and i’m laughing very hard right now bc you called him “so cool” and i’m just “but HE’S SO EMBARRASSING!!” haha xD 

and speaking of brave dumb men: jaehyun is also one bc you gotta be a brave dumbass if you follow a goose with a camera. they are savage beasts and it’s a miracle jung yoonoh is still among the living (T人T) this is my ways of saying “a+ bias choice” btw. i love him. he’s so weird and ugh THAT FACE OF HIS HOW DARE HE ( ≧Д≦) (his beauty makes me angry, i’m sorry ( ⁍᷄⌢̻⁍᷅ ))

lol but you called ten “cool” haha... i’m enjoying this too much (′ʘ⌄ʘ‵) 

AND JOY ☆ﾟ･*:｡.:(ﾟ∀ﾟ)ﾟ･*:..:☆ i love anyone who loves joy! i’m leaning more towards irene and seulgi with my rv biases but miss joy i love A LOT, too (*ꈍ꒳ꈍ*) so you have GREAT taste in humans, tiny bear! ♥

hmmm but my favourite eras... all of them? if it’s ten, then i love it. i’m a simple woman. but if i had to pick just one i’d say baby don’t stop... which conveniently started playing on spotify right now... i mean, it is a nct/wayv only playlist but still... do i have powers? Σ(‘◉⌓◉’) okay, but back to ten! i’m absolute trash for nct u and for empathy era and hate sm for not giving us any new content in centuries ugh. i’d kill for another proper taeten duet (maybe for something superm relate pls? pls, sm? i’ll take anything t.t) because i love ty SFM too and i think they worked perfect together both as performers (THE TALENT) and as people. i mean, their personalities are so different and their interactions are so interesting because of it? and bds era definitely proved that ty is a rl angel because ten was A LOT (read: his usual self ʅ（´◔౪◔）ʃ).

but for wayv eras i’d say... the current one? idk how it’s possible but he’s even more RADIANT? he literally glows and it makes my heart... ｡･ﾟ���(✦థ ｪ థ)ﾉ｡ﾟ･｡ plus, him embracing his eboy look is just pure gold. 

hmm... my favourite songs... hmmm... i laughed a bit because i spent yesterday night being emo to tove lo’s romantics, lorde’s tennis court and partick wolf’s augustine. that was my entire playlist and i was very emo but the second i woke up my yestoday obsession came back bc i’m currently going through a yestoday phase (IT’S AN UNDERRATED MASTERPIECE). lol okay it’s an even harder question than the one about eras... hmmm but my current faves - aside from an underrated masterpiece yestoday - are pporappippam, domino, feel good (i want seulrene to perform it!!!), nature’s girls, apple and golcha’s omg. but i’ve been mostly jamming to 127′s bsides because i made a playlist when i was making a top 10 gifset (it was supposed to help me narrow it down to 10 lol) and now i can’t stop :((((( 

and what have you been listening to lately, tiny bear? ^^ oh, and what did you answer on the last question on the nvyctmail form? the one about fave nct title song and wayv bside? :D 

[loose-leaf-teacanons]

Can you do also kikasa for the otp questions please?

1. Who liked the other first?

Kise. XD He’s not even surprised by it initially, because he gets temporary mini-crushes on people who impress him really easily, especially if they give him a hard time. With Kasamatsu, it’s kind of embarrassing, though – the guy is his captain, and a sour-faced hardass, and he’s not that impressive, okay, self??? Just because he ripped you a new one on your first day doesn’t mean he’s worthy of the dokis! You have standards!

He fully expects the stupid mini-crush to fade, and maybe it would, except Kasamatsu-senpai– (what the hell, self?! could you stop getting the dokis from calling somebody “senpai”? Urgh! …okay could you at least stop getting the dokis harder? /Please/?).

Well, except Kasamatsu-senpai keeps doing all those things Kise never even knew he needed (except for the whole throwing-stuff-at-his-head, though okay, if Kise is perfectly, entirely honest, sometimes he needs that, too. But don’t tell Senpai!!!), and he’s so passionate about basketball, and he works so hard, and he looks after everyone, and he’s got kind of a cute smile (one that sits a bit crooked like it’s not sure it should be staying on his face), and he’s actually pretty cool to be around, and he doesn’t talk down to Kise at all even though he’s really big on the senpai-kouhai stuff, and there’s something about his hard-won but earnest praise that makes Kise want to try ten times harder every time he’s on the receiving end of it, and how weird is that?

It doesn’t fully click for Kise until the Interhigh, where he ends up so taken care of and comforted (and he didn’t even know that was possible after failing to win, because at Teiko you just didn’t fail, period), only to then catch a glimpse of all the hurt and disappointment and frustration that Kasamatsu-senpai went off to bear alone, without letting on how he’s feeling to anyone, and that’s… yep, that’s the sound of Kise’s heart breaking.

That’s when he’s hit with something he hasn’t ever felt before, this overwhelming urge to not just bask in somebody’s company, care and attention but to give something back to them, to do even a little bit for them what they do for him.

That’s the moment it kind of starts dawning on him that this is love. He’s always thought of love as this burst-into-song thing with lots of flirting and pursuing and hearts and flowers and dates, that he never even thought it would actually be this, this “I will protect you and your happiness even if I die trying and even if you never know about it (actually it’s better if you don’t or you’d throw a basketball at me >.>) and I can’t imagine anything better than just seeing you proud and victorious and content.”

So yes, suffice it to say, he is so very, very screwed.

Kasamatsu, for his part, has Kise rather firmly in his “kouhai” drawer the entire time. Yeah, Kise’s special to him (special in the head! *eyeroll*), someone he feels responsible for and who is actually a good kid and pretty good company once you get at the passionate, hard-working, sharp personality buried under all that Teikou crap and the celebrity bullshit.

It’s not until he leaves for university that Kise even gets shuffled into the “friend” drawer (though they’ve been friends before that, obviously, it’s just Kasamatsu’s archaic and painfully earnest idea of senpai-kouhai dynamics that stops him from thinking of them as such), and sure, it’s probably a bit weird for Kise to remain so attached to him (seriously, did I clock him on the head too hard or something?), and it’s probably considerably weirder that Kasamatsu remains attached right back, but whatever, right?

And if he calls him rather more than he calls anyone else, if he schedules all his course load and homework so they get the occasional free weekend to meet up, if he shows up to watch all of Kaijou’s championship matches without fail, if he keeps sending Kise music mixes and remembering his birthday when he can’t remember anyone else’s without consulting his phone first (including his own; July… somethingsomething, right? *checks ID card*), well… anyway, that’s just how it’s always been with Kise.

(That sound you’re hearing, btw, is Moriyama and Kobori synchro-smacking their heads against the wall)

So yeah, Kise has his work cut out for him. XD

2. Where is their ‘special spot’?

Where indeed, senp– ow. Mean!

Kidding aside, I don’t think they really have one. Kise is always drawn to new places – he’s like a human Siri for trendy cafés, shops, movie theaters, music venues, etc. Kasamatsu calls it a skill that’s both amazingly useless and uselessly amazing, and Kise just sticks his tongue out because whatever, Senpai, you just admitted I’m amazing~~~! *sidesteps rib jab*

Kasamatsu himself tends to attach more significance to the events/memories than the places they happened in.

3. How do they cheer one another up?

Depends on what’s wrong, tbh. Kise is kind of a melodramatic handful to begin with, and he can bitch endlessly about small things like some kind of workplace rivalry or whatever, though in such cases he’s usually content to fling himself on the couch in an epic fit of pique and complain about it loudly and emphatically.

Kasamatsu will mostly leave him to it and go about whatever it was he was doing before Kise made his dramatic entrance, and then come back a couple of minutes later and be like, “So, you good?” (and Kise will whine for a while about how callous and disinterested Yukio-san is in his terrible plight, you go to get coffee while the light of your life is suffering from the cruelty and injustice of the wo–ow ow ow not my nooooose!!!)

But yeah, it’s easy to tell when Kise is truly upset because his entire being just dims. In those instances, Kasamatsu doesn’t say much, just holds Kise as he attempts to fold up all 189 cm of himself against Kasamatsu’s chest and maybe have a good cry. Kise will usually tell him what’s wrong after he’s all cried out, and Kasamatsu just stays and listens and tries to help him untangle whatever issue it was for as long as it takes.

Kasamatsu’s upsets are really quiet, and tense, and you can just watch the furrow in his brow deepen, and every fiber of his being tightening, and still he doesn’t say anything and keeps it to himself out of some idiotic idea that he has to be strong and work it all out himself. It’s incredibly frustrating for Kise, who knows he’s not nearly as experienced at comforting people or that good with giving advice, but that doesn’t mean he can’t try, dammit!

What usually happens is he human-barnacles himself to Kasamatsu before he can vibrate out of his skin from all the tension, puts his chin on Kasamatsu’s head and tells him to talk, Yukio-san in a tone that brooks no argument, so Kasamatsu eventually deflates and does.

4. What is their favourite movie to watch together?

They like watching action comedies and sports movies together (and man do they love to rant about how inaccurate the latter often are, seriously, that coach should be fired for such an untenable training regimen and that captain is a complete idiot).

Kise also loves cheesy romance movies and tearjerky K-dramas, though those frustrate Kasamatsu endlessly with their idiotic cliché plots and people’s inability to just fucking talk to each other, what the fuck, so he usually goes to do something else while Kise catches up with the 537th episode of Passion Island or whatever.

Though occasionally he can’t help but overhear something or other and comments on it semi-automatically from across two rooms, like telling the crying heroine to “Just dump that guy, he’s a fucker” and he’s not even doing it to be a smart-ass or anything – like for a moment he’s genuinely giving advice to this idiot character he doesn’t even care about, and Kise suddenly can’t with the cute.

5. When did they know that they are each other’s soul mate?

Oh good god, no. I mean, Kise will sometimes jokingly call them soul mates, but as romantic as that concept is in the context of a movie, he much prefers this relationship where they have to compromise and learn to fit around each other’s little quirks and smooth out each other’s edges, and sometimes they fight, too, but that’s all part of what makes working things out together so worthwhile.

Kasamatsu just doesn’t get the concept, not even in a fictional sense, and it continues to baffle him that people like Moriyama can actually go on a hunt for a “soul mate” in real life, honestly, are you an idiot??? He just finds it so unrealistic that people expect to find someone “perfect” for them, and then have a crisis at the first sign of disagreement or whine about actually having to put in an effort. Moro––hmmmfhfhgh! *snogged within an inch of his life by Kise*

6. Where do they primarily kiss one another out in public? Examples forehead, cheek, hand etc.

They usually don’t? Kasamatsu gets easily embarrassed by PDA in general, plus they’re both mindful of the fact that Kise is becoming an increasingly public figure (once his career really takes off), and one thing they can both do without is having their relationship splayed out and picked apart in stupid gossip columns or lived through vicariously by crazy fans or whatever.

That said, Kise is really good at picking moments or places where nobody’s paying attention. Kasamatsu has found himself tugged into alcoves and behind clothes racks, or pecked in the half-second before he gets out of the car, and then he has to spend fifteen minutes getting rid of his flaming face. Urgh.

7. Who goes all out for the other persons birthday?

Nah. They’re both pretty low-key with each other. It’s all small, practical gifts and cake, mostly. Sometimes they’ll organize old team get-togethers for the occasion, but yeah, it’s all pleasantly uncomplicated.

8. Whose clothes is too big for the other, but they wear them anyway?

I’ve said it before, but I will say it again: Kise is simply heart-broken that Kasamatsu refuses to wear any of his clothes, and that he himself is too big to fit any of Kasamatsu’s. Sometimes he’ll steal a sweater to drape over his shoulders and be all pouty because that’s the best he can manage.

9. Who is the one who stays up late baking brownies and dancing in their underwear wearing a baggy shirt, and who is the one who comes down to see the other being all cute?

I’m sorry, I still find the idea kinda creepy in general. XD And they? Are so not the type to do this, even if this were a thing people actually did.

10. Would they cuddle even though it is super hot outside?

Kise tries, peels away ten seconds later to complain about how it’s too hot to do this, tries again half a minute later only to establish that it’s still too hot to do this, and this’ll go on until Kasamatsu threatens to dump his ass on the floor.

[swearronchanel]

As per request, 2.05

You guys have been so freaking sweet and kind  to me with your feedback since I started making these ridiculous posts, it’s insane but I love it!❣️ I literally started these as a joke because my one friend who watches call the midwife didn’t pick up the phone (and bc I was under the influence whoops hahaha it happens) but now I have so much fun posting every week! I’m sure I won’t stop these any time soon (what will I do when this series is over until Christmas? Yikes lets not talk about it yet)  Anyways @marialujan22 requested I rewatch and post for 2x5 & shit it’s been a while since I’ve watched series 2 but I couldn’t say no! Besides Im in a good mood because I have 10 days till spring break & only like 8 weeks left in the semester so here we go ..

idk if I’m mentally prepared for this

THE BIKE SONG I LOVE IT

“Somewhere far away, scientist we’re working on a magic pill, rumored to make pregnancy a case of choice..” Hell yea birth control, deff a magic pill in my opinion

Crazy that it took 3 series for the pill to become a thing & then there was still lame ass government guidelines

Jenny Lee! lol I often forget about her sorry not sorry, I liked her but she left. ya no importa

I love how “mature jenny” still narrates even though her character is never even mentioned anymore #letmenarrate lol jk I like Vanessa Redgrave’s voice

“Meanwhile other scientists were trying to send humans to the moon” fuck yea Hidden Figures

If CtM went up until 1969 that’d be lit, like the episode on mad men when they watched the moon landing! Just replace them with nuns and nurses and babies & replace the liquor for tea 😂

Shit I’ve said typed so much already

SISTER MJ💕 I wanna smack myself she’s brushing her teeth & I thought of that stupid toothbrush song from last week’s episode kill me

Nora’s pregnant again uh oh

Cynthia! SISTER E! Jane! It’s been so long

My bby Trixie 💕😍 I miss her pin curls! But now she’s serving those 60s looks so I’m here for it all

“Take that off this minute before you go to hell” LMAO TRIX YOU CANT TELL KIDS THAT

lol who am I kidding I would’ve said the same

I love sister Monica Joan, id quote everything she ever says but that’s too much work

Vicar’s wife? But who was the vicar?

LMAO WAIT DOESNT SISTER MJ FAKE A HEART ATTACK??

YES SHE DID IM DEAD I LOVE HER, WELL IT WAS LIKE ANGINA BUT IDC STILL FUNNY CAUSE SHE DIDNT WANNA GO

PRECIOUS SISTER BERNADETTE 😭💕

I STILL CANT BELIEVE MY BBY SHELAGH WAS A NUN, ITS SO STRANGE TO GO BACK AND SEE HER IN THE HABIT, LIKE YOURE PREGNANT NOW, WITH DR TURNERS BABYYY!!

anyone else really wanted to know how she was going to tell Sister Julienne “um i was already done with being a nun and now im love sick, I can’t stop thinking about Dr Turner so  I gotta ditch this habit”

damn I feel so bad like she did not want another baby & had no choice but to deal with it

No Jenny, tea is not gonna help right now

And heres the lady that scammed her

How much is 2 guinnis ? Idk how to spell that u already know I’m an ignorant American

Did she really tell a married woman keep her legs closed? It Doesn’t even matter if she was married or not like who are u anyway?? I would’ve bitch slapped her too, good for u Nora

Sister MJ saying her horoscope was right, we are the same😭

Wtf is spotted dick? Also I laughed because I’m immature Lmaoo

Sister J eating the pudding, she knows how to get to sister MJ 😂 I love them

Trixie teasing Jane about the Reverend lol aw

“I can’t knit I had a heart attack this morning” ME TRYING TO GET OUT OF THINGS

8 kids in one bedroom though yikes

Cute and classic bedroom moments 😭💕

“Naughty version of eggnog” like coquito? Lol nah, coquito is the bomb

IM CRYING SISTER BERNADETTE LOOKING IN THE DOORWAY

THIS BREAKS MY HEART EVERYTIME

THEY FUCKING CLOSED THE DOOR ON HER, MY BBY. I WANT TO HUG HER 💔💔💔 she deserves the world

Who is this irrelevant ass vicars wife? “Cherrio”

I’m so sorry Nora

Ew wtf a rat just bit the baby?

“Just tell me what you want sister” SHE WANTS YOU DOCTOR

THE WAY THEYRE LOOKING AT EACH OTHER OMG IM SHOOK

WHAT THE HELL TIM WHY DID YOU RUIN THE MOMENT ?!

sister MJ wants to roll bandages, make it happen! lol I love that Cynthia and Jane unwrap them all for her 😭

Aww i love babies !! but that one with a funny nose uhh

SISTER BERNADETTE BLOWING THE WHISTLE AND CHEERING 💕 MY HEART SHE IS SO ADORABLE

Aw I wish Trixie could have another scene going through old pictures and maybe share old stories with the new nurses💔 unlikely but you know I can hope. SHE DID HAVE THAT PHOTO OF HER AND CYNTHIA ON HER MIRROR LAST SUNDAY💕

“I’m a woman on a mission” beatrix, light in my life

Curly locks lol, when I was younger I  was called Shirley temple and when I dyed my hair I was called Goldie locks.. mind u that lasted into high school 😂 I’m staying blonde for good though, I don’t think I can pull off anything else

DONT GO OUT WITH HIM TRIXIE, HE’S TRASH

Laura Main’s angelic voice ✨👼🏼

who am I kidding she’s an angel

you know what would be fun and a dream? to go out with the ctm cast and get drunk and take trashy snapchat videos singing

Gin & a hot bath??

Trixie looked him up lol, good move

BUT HE’S STILL TRASH and an asshole

Pickle knife ?

again, this irrelevant vicar’s wife? vete ya

Everyone thinks Sister MJ is senile but she knows what’s up with Sister Bernadette..

“..but is all blank sadness and continued tears”  MY HEART💔 sister Bernadette/Shelagh has spent the majority of this show crying/being sad/distressed ugh!! Laura Main plays is beautifully but I CRY!? Let her be uninterruptedly happy please 😭💕

she (and helen) ruined me tbh, I used to have dignity

Is Jenny really naive or is she just pretending not to understand??

SEE SISTER BERNADETTE IS ON SCREEN AGAIN & IS UPSET

“I almost wish I was physically ill..” okay bRb CRYIN. THIS IS WHY I CANT WATCH THESE OLDER EPISODES I CRY TOO MUCH, I DONT LIKE TO SEE HER UNHAPPY

Remember when I started the show and didn’t know it was gonna ruin my life? Or before I grew attached? Yea me neither lmaoo those were the days when I thought downton killed me. I Didn’t know what was coming 😂 still love downton though rip #downtonmoviepls

Knitting needles?? aye dios mio

HA GREMLIN TIM AND JACK

Again how much is a gunniea and how do I spell it? I could google it but I’m busy here

She was willing to sell her wedding ring and risk her life for an unprofessional abortion. DO YOU SEE THE ISSUE? This isn’t just the a period drama either. Shit is real

“Are babies more valued because they can survive or do they survive beside they are more valued?” good question sis

lol Jane was so sweet and just bounced with no word

AT LEAST I KNOW WHERE SHE WENT THOUGH, THANKS FOR THAT NZ CUT SCENE

Trixie being a babe and getting ready to do her nails 😍💕 I wish I could do mine well but I’m trash and so I pay to get them done

The cross cutting in this scene is crazy but so well done (& yes look at me using real terms lol, I took a Music in film class last semester and had to know editing techniques 😂, I did fairly well too)

I really don’t know how she survived this

My bby trixie looking gorgeous as per usual. I love her so much, Helen u kill me

NO COÑFIO TRIXIE, HE’S NO GOOD

Haha why did I not remember the Gone With The Wind reference? Cynthia was so cute, I miss her carefree and happy

FRECO MOVE YOUR DAMN HAND, YOU ARE TRASH.

HE’S FICTIONAL BUT ID STILL FIGHT HIM

my poor bby😭💔 it is not your fault , he’s trash!! But this moment between the nurses warmed my cold heart

“Matrons in charge, virgins of iron” 😭😭

Aw Earth Angel playing, ✨🎼 I highkey pop to 50s/60s pandora stations

Jenny yes it’s illegal but do you think that matters rn??

TIM AS MAID MARION LMAO

Sister Bernadette looking at Dr Turner ah omg 😭they’ve come so far.

It’s not your fault Jenny but you should’ve told someone

Sister B & Tim won 👏🏼

LMAO ALL I CAN THINK OF IS THAT POST “WOAH CALM DOWN IM JUST TRYNA DATE YOUR DAD”

and she’s down, and the glasses flew

“You’ve hurt your hand” “well I’m sure there’s no need to amputate” ah sister b/shelagh lowkey has some of the funniest lines she just slips them in and people miss them !!

Here it comes ..

THE MOMENT..

“Would you like me to have a look at that?” UHM YEA

No but seriously I can barely remember what I thought when I first watched this but I knew something was gonna happen because a nurse can handle her own damn cut & well you know, she was in love with him

HE KISSED HER HAND. A fucking doctor kissed a nuns hand people, how scandalous & this was THE MOMENT I KNEW I WAS CORRUPT AND WAS GOING TO HELL, I AM SATAN I WANTED THE DOCTOR TO KISS A FREAKING NUN ON THE MOUTH LIKE WTF WHO RAISED ME? MY MOTHER WANTED IT TOO SO IDK BUT THIS KILLED ME, LIKE R.I.P HERE LIES GABBY, I WAS IN THE GROUND DECEASED. I’m actual trash. Someone dispose of me in the proper bin #recyle

for real, this is when I really knew that I was never going to love any other show like this and I allowed it to ruin me

BUT HONESTLY WHAT THE HELL WAS HE THINKING? THATS A BOLD MOVE

BOLD IN GENERAL BECAUSE YOU DONT KNOW IF SHE LIKES YOU BUT BOLD x1000 BC SHE IS A NUN, YOU KNOW MARRIED TO GOD, VOW OF CHASITY AND ALL THAt??

What if she would’ve freaked tf out or told sister Julienne? I don’t even know. I’ll just be grateful for how things turned out

“At this moment I only know I’m not turning my back on you because of you but I’m doing it because of him” AHHHH, DONT WORRY BBY GOD LOVES U AND UNDERSTANDS YOU LOVE HIM AND THE DOCTOR, LOSE THAT HABIT AND GO PROPERLY KISS PATRICK 😭

Sister MJ judging the baby contest is the purest thing & I need it to cleanse my disgusting soul that wants a dr to get with a nun #notsorrythough

“In Nonnatus we were good at tending other’s wounds and there were times I felt we were all each other’s children..” brb I’m crying I love that they’re like a family 😭💕💔

I’m so happy they didn’t kill Nora and she actually was happy in the end. I really wasn’t sure for a moment (obviously when I first watched lol)

“ Free reliable contraception came too late to help her, but in time the scientists triumphed. Her daughters and granddaughters lives remained transfigured, long after man left fleeting footprints on the moon.” Vanessa always knowing what to say in the end.

Lets see how the pill is going to be reintroduced this series, I’m interested  in how it’s going to play out.

I’ve said that so many times though so I’ll be done

The End.

[crossedbeams]

ROSE REVIEWS… THE X-FILES - S1.E8:  ICE

<< 1.6 The Ghost in the Machine ————————— 1.9 Space >>

What a week it has been! What a month in fact (because that’s how long ago I started this recap). Ice is one of my favourite early episodes which explains why this is longer than the combined beards of ZZ Top. Someone teach me self control? Please?

Go under the cut at your own peril, here there be worms.

The Plot

Some dudes playing with ice have gone radio silent and left a creepy message, Mulder and Scully get sent up to investigate with a ragtag team of socially inept scientists and then cut off by bad weather with some seriously suspect wormlike organisms, and more sexual tension than you can shake an oversized drillbit at.

My Stream of Semi-Consciousness

YAY! ICE!

I’m glad they start out with the dog just nommin on something spilled instead of one of the dead people. It makes it easier to root for him later which is good coz it’s a cute dog. Apparently it’s also Blue’s dad!

Then there’s what appears to be a disembodied limb in a box. Why I have no idea. but I am soon distracted by the entry of this dude who appears to have been scorched, stripped and then attacked in an incredibly symmetrical fashion by a pair of clawed ketchup bottles.

Like c'mon prop monkeys! Blood is NOT that colour and when did you last see someone with matching pectoral wounds (given it’s not sex related… probably). Also now I’ve been looking at it for too long and I feel like he has one nipple that is significantly bigger than the other and I’m having trouble moving past it.

And WHY is he shirtless. At what point in the whole fighting to the death in the ARCTIC was he like… wait mate… I need to take off this shirt off because #aesthetic.

Though to be fair I probably would.

Aaaaanyway

His radio makes more noises than the tardis.

We’re not who we are. Okay. We get it. But on a serious note do they ever actually discuss why he says this. Because I feel like grammatically it’s questionable and the space worms seem more into murdering each other than making dramatic speeches.

His assailant looks very heeeeere’s jack" and is wearing a shirt. I’m rooting  for him until they get into the worst duel ever. Don’t put your guns so close. This whole bit tbh. The worms seem to have very complicated motivations and choreography, Maybe they’re abstract prehistoric space worms. Am I making sense. I don’t think I’m making sense.

It’s okay though I can compose myself during the CREDITS.

This video from the dead science dudes is the dorkiest thing I have ever seen. There are quilted body warmers, pasted on smiles and overenthusiastic high fives. You can see why these guys are extras and not the series stars. But at least they were all having fun before they brutally killed one another.

Mulder and Scully are watching this video in a room with both a blackboard and a window. Where are they? Is the basement being cleaned? Is this Scully’s office? If so why does she have so many damn tables!

Why do people insist on digging into old ice/trenches/under the sea. It always ends badly. EVERY DAMN TIME. Cthulu is down there people. Or godzilla or some shit. Just leave it alone and make nachos. Much better.

Not to be pedantic (okay who am I kidding) but pretty sure the background here doesn’t match what was behind him in the scene.

It’s only 1993 goddamn and Gillian Anderson is already learning how to ruin us all with her exquisite face. We were all screwed from the first time someone pointed a camera at her. All her tiny facial nuances remind me of the queens of old Hollywood and the things they could do with a quirk of the lip.

Then Mulder squats down and grins at her and though he’s basically implying they’re being sent as sacrificial lambs he doesn’t seem too sad about the concept of being trapped in an igloo full of corpses with his partner. He goes from amused to gleeful when he tells his teeny partner to bring her mittens and I’m thinking Scully seems excessively perturbed at this stage… is she having a moment of forboding? Or does she just really hate Alaska? I mean this is pre Palin so there’s no good reason to be quite so down on it…

And heeeeere’s Denny

Not content with really loving rocks (geologist) and being called Denny he also likes to do this in public places.

Denny is not getting any.

I do miss cassettes though.

Enter small winterwear troll AKA Dana Scully in a jacket so big she may be wider than she is tall. Mulder in contrast appears to be wearing jammies, jeans and a jacket, which are - incidentally - my three style essentials. Well those three and a resting bitch face.

Mulder makes awkward chat about San Diego while Scully pulls a face like she didn’t used to live there and then the other scientists arrive and they engage in a charade worth of the Chuckle Brothers with IDs, “It’s me! It’s You!” Mulder even checks Scully in case, one assumes, somebody else was hiding in her coat and has leaped out to replace her since he introduced her to Denny less than 30 seconds ago. Possibly he just uses it as an opportunity to sniff her. He’s only human and I would… I also feel like at this point  the writers were overly concerned with linking back to “we’re not who we are” from earlier. Every single combination of the words “we”, “who”  and “are” is well and truly thrust in. And we’re only at 7.12.

Also hello Felicity Huffman.

“Two federal agents, a geologist, a medical doctor and a toxicologist” sounds like the beginning of the worst walked into a bar joke ever. It would have some incredibly scientific punchline probably involving the word ampule. I’d try and write it but… we I can’t be bothered!

Everyone is so weird and cagey. The script must have been full of side-eye instructions. A word to the wise - if you’re ever asked to go on a business trip where people are behaving like this, don’t go. It’s the start of a horror film and you will die.

Especially if someone else there is called Bear.

Bear could be Steven Tyler’s brother. Or maybe they just have the same surgeon. His car is the only car in the universe dirtier than mine.

And after Scully standing weirdly close to Huffman (I forget her character name) for way too long (like seriously? SO strange), Mulder trying to reassert his Scully monopoly with some unnecessary touching (DRINK!) we see some stock footage which can only mean we’re up, up and away.

Icy Point and the power’s off. Of course. Do they ever investigate why the second they arrive anywhere the lights stop working? That’s a damn X-File.

For guys who blew their on brains out these dudes are artfully arranged. And pretty sure one of them is tensing. You’re dead man. Nobody cares about your abs anymore.

Scully says ‘flashing’.  She means the camera. Epileptics on set can thank her but I can’t help being disappointed. Imagine if she meant her boobs…

Mulder comforts Felicity Huffman with his intimate knowledge of arctic research generator noises. Who knew Oxford university offered so many eclectic courses. Unfortunately they didn’t offer one in dog combat because Mulder goes down. Pretty sure Huffman falls over too but only out of shock or being knocked off balance by her coat.

Poor Bear is bleeding ketchup so we know he’s fucked. It’s fine though, Scully is a medical doctor and she finds some super gross disease beans in the doggo’s armpit which means she will also save the day. Standard.

Worm under skin, WORM UNDER SKIN! Ths grosses me out every time so drink every time we see unnecessary subdermal wriggling. *drinks*

Scully has completed five autopsies before anyone else has done more than get their coat off and get infected with a space worm, but ruins the effect by brandishing a used and  uncovered needle with gusto whilst doing her jargon spiel. She may just be trying work out how to rescue her hair from it’s current anti-gravity state, her fringe is levitating at a sweet 120 degrees from her forehead which has got to be upsetting when you’re as put together as Scully is. Regardless,  

Mulder seems unperturbed but may just be distracted by Bear wigging out about his own personal armpit beans.

There are some high quality knitwear/ winter neutrals going on in this episode. Maybe they were sponsored by fruits of the loom or some shit.

Mulder and Denny get all excited about satellite pics, apparently Mulder’s interpreting skills around some sort of bizarre geological scanning are rusty. TRY NON-EXISTENT MULDER. YOU DON’T KNOW SCHIST ABOUT GEOLOGY! Sorry. For the pun and the yelling. But seriously. If I made a list of all the things Mulder and Scully know that they shouldn’t…

DINOSPERM! Dinosperm. Does whatever a dinosperm does.

The second Mr Bodywarmer (I can never remember anyone’s names so tis is what I’m calling him) disses Scully’s autopsy skills you know that Mulder’s gonna disagree with him. Contagion be damned, suggesting Sculy has missed something is a no no - even in Season 1 - and especially when she’s pouting like this.

Oh no! Mulder says they have to stay (my favourite trope), Scully pulls the doctor card to seal the deal and now there is no way they’re not having arctic sex right? Everyone gets some… well except Denny who kills the mood by opening up way too easily about his bowel movements. Poor Denny. High school can’t have been easy for you.

But it’s fine because Bear flips his shit, or more specifically flips out about a shit, and everyone has other things to worry about. After some arctic democracy which really draws a solid line between Mulder/Scully and Huffman/MrBodywarmer (in case you’d missed all the other clues) and emphasises the disposability of poor Denny, they pull a gun and shit gets real.

Down goes Mulder!

Down goes Scully!

Turns out big man Bear is no match for Macho Moose and Flying Squirrel. The others prove once again to be utterly useless, standing about and watching. Honestly, given how much Mulds and Sculls know about other science they should absolutely not know, the the rest of the cast seem kinda superfluous other than as human coathangers for knitted beige monstrosities.

WORM UNDER FLESH, DRINK.

Impromptu surgery always makes me squeamish so lets not talk about this. Suffice to say its gory and ends poorly for Bear. RIP buddy, you were kinda a douche and your hat was stupid but nobody likes a neck worm.

Just keep drinking till it’s over.

The woman on the radio is semi-peppy given she’s just told them they’re stuck. Maybe she’s drinking whatever Sarah Palin is on.

Sculy’s OCD hand washing is adorable and I want to pet her. And the others are all still just standing there though now with a corpse centrepiece. React people! Do something!

Top quality CGI right here! Wormeo is looking fine and definitely three dimensional.

The worm theory is all very plausible, except that the last bit makes no sense. The worm doesn’t want to kill it’s host, just the hosts with its pals in… so what is the worm’s end game? Last worm standing? Any thoughts?

I am all about the aesthetic of this next scene The half light the corrugated metal with shadows and the height difference all in silhouette. It’s even added to by Mulder’s signature monotone rant. But the problem is, I’m so MSR thirsty that when this happens…

I just want them to throw down and get it on on the floor. KISS! NOW! Corpses be damned. See, This is what this show has done to me. I used to have standards.

Denny is not down with all the tension so he retreats to baseball while Huffman and Bodywarmer, who bicker like Mulder and Scully but lack ANY sort of chemistry (this is the show we might have gotten if the Gillian/David alchemy  hadn’t happened) conspire like a pair of whiner babies. Bodywarmer is as paranoid as Muder, but he’s also an assclown.

Then Mulder and Scully take their coats off in a dramatic way and once again my mind is in the gutter. Which is actually appropriate as it’s naked spot check time and things are about to get a little homoerotic. Pretty sure Mulder lost some sort of bet when Scully was the one to suggest a naked group activity. Also pretty sure he was disappointed that it was just another spot check and that he wasn’t invited.

Leaving this here for science.

There are multiple documentations of the exceptionally sapphic encounter between Scully and Huffman, whoever decided to light them in red while the dudes got to strip off in a normally lit room was certainly only aided by the fact that Scully's jabby doctor hands from later series have not yet developed. 

My main takeaway other than this being basically the only scene in which Huffman doesn't irritate me (and I think I quite liked her in DH though I can't remember a damn thing that happened on that show), is that Gillian Anderson has more chemistry in a fraction of her lower lip than most people have in their whole body. I mean seriously: authority, vulnerability, comfort and a little sex all in one move. This little thing? 

She would probably have chemistry with a rock if she needed to. How is it so effective? How does one scene that lasts less than a minute have more relationship in it than all of Huffman and Bodywarmer's interactions combined? How is the entire world not worshipping at her tiny feet?

And the award for least comforting bedtime sendoff goes to Mulder, for both bringing up bugs biting (as if they're not already freaking over dinosperms getting all up in their spines) and then shooting down Scully's attempt to normalise things. "The spots on the dog went away". Really? She's lingering outside her room, and instead of being nice, or comforting, or taking her mind off things with some vigorous shagging you give her puppy eyes  and a shortcut to nightmare town?

Go to bed and think about what you've done Mulder. Leave Scully alone with your comforting words, ominous lighting and a dead man's half naked lady posters. 

Cue montage of nobody coping in different ways with Mark Snow blinky-blonkiness to up the tension.

As a an unapologetic Scully fangirl I do sometimes forget that at this stage, Duchovny was very much the star and focus. Scenes like this remind me, where we watch him get dressed (I am fine with lots of shirtless Mulder), wander about, do reacting, hang out a little with this cabinet that definitely looks like it has a face and could just have eaten Denny on it's own...

Anyway my point was that as much as Gillybean is growing as an actor and making herself felt in the episodes, studio intentions be damned, this is all DD, prowling about with drama and he does it well. Also you can see his nipples through his shirt. Clearly my priorities are straight. Well... mostly.

That said. Mulder is an idiot. When a cabinet is bleeding, what sensible person opens it while squatting in front of the spot where clearly a corpse is going to fall out. He didn't learn that brand of idiocy at the VCU.

Speaking of Scully asserting herself, Bodywarmer (I think his name is Hodge?) and Mulder get in to a sweaty macho shout off and teeny Sculls gets in the midde. Huffman just kinda floats about.

And we have a series first! Mulder and Scully hold each other at gunpoint! Loud noises! Angst! Betrayal! Delivery of the episodes motto which STILL makes no sense."You may not be who you are?"" Well no he is him, he just might have a worm in his brain But points for consistency. Shame it doesn't apply to the series overall plot arc!

Anyway, in the end it's fine because Mulder relents when it becomes exceptionally clear that for all that she's smol and mostly calm, Scully will shoot his ass, though she'll feel a bit bad about it. At this realisation Mulder goes full puppy and lets his owner put him in a pen. But he doesn't get shot. Yet. Little he knows...

So Mulder gets shut away. It's totes emosh. Like Celine Dion backing track emosh. Mark Snow step aside because this bish has spare time and windows moviemaker...

Moving on...

Pretty sure that fluffy!Scully striding in a plaid shirt with a gun is my spirit animal.

It's super convenient that both members of team non-MSR are sleeping in ridiculously uncomfortable positions, despite the recent excitement, so Scully can be forced to surrender her weapon. But hey - we only have 10 mins left and the plot must go on.

Bodywarmer decides the time has come for him to be alpha male but unfortunately, everyone still hates him, Scully doesn't want in on his shitty duet, especially when it's clear that he'd toss his partner in a second. Huffman finally grows enough balls to suggest Scully might have a point about not turning on each other and looking for treatment but his ego is out of control.

I really wish Bodywarmer had gotten eaten instead of Denny, Denny and Huffman could have been useless fuzzballs together and the only thing I ship Bodywarmer with is my booted foot making hard contact with his testicles after his misogynistic asshole moves in the lab. I'm starting to understand why Huffman has no personality. Scully starts to realise she got preeeety lucky that Mulder's just an alien obsessed puppy and not an utter fuckboy, before snapping back in to science mode for wormageddon.

I'm gonna take a moment here to shout out Lila (@startwreck for the following graphic). Theses two animated worms even have more tension than Bodywarmer and Huffman. So when we did the group rewatch we may have turned it into a fix that the worms were in love...

Me and the space worms have one thing in common. We do not like company.

WORM IN DOGGY EAR! DRINK!

Not sure how a stethoscope would prove the worms inside the dog were dead but I'm not a medical doctor. Either way, Mr Woofty is okay and lets be honest, aside from Mulder and Scully he's the only one I care about at this stage.

Tfw bae may have a brain worm but you wanna be sure and one of your companions is an asshole and the other one is actually the neck worm's host.

Poor Mulder isn't even allowed to accustom his poor little molerat eyes to the light before having to defend himself. Which got me thinking... the light switch is inside the room. We saw him turn it on earlier. So he's sitting in the dark of his own choice, just to make himself more tragic. Precious baby.

This face could have been avoided.

This scene though, this could not, There is now a section in the FBI handbook called, "Protocol for the investigation of possible parasitic space worms", this inspection is the example of how not to do it. Ably assisted by D'Angelo and my amazing video skills once again I give you - "this would be sexual harassment if they weren't both so into it - so don't try this in the workplace kids"

Scully comes out with Mulder in tow like the kid who came home from school with a friend who wasn't invited. "Mom I know you said no but look at him". After a quick round of, my partner is less infected than your partner, they get ambushed, Scully makes the squeakiest squeak of a no that is still audible to the human ear and finds herself in the sex cupboard.

Commence a struggle scene worthy of You've Been Framed, drink for Huffman's neck worms and also for this face.

In her struggle to escape a worming, Huffman pauses long enough to through some vials off a freezer shelf, that she has to open. Before she goes for the gun. Logical. And then they all have sex on the floor. I mean seriously. 

But it's all good coz she gets to gnaw on Mulder's pec while the worms do battle royale in her pituitary gland and everyone makes it. Well except Bear and Denny. Huzzah! Scully gives Huffman (whose name I have just discovered is Silver or Da Silva which I'm sure I knew when I started this but honestly that was weeks ago so...) a celebratory belly rub. 

I'd take it.

They finally escape, and Mulder of course wants another round trip to hell but hell has been torched. Scully does a good job of looking sympathetic in front of Bodywarmer, but as soon as they're alone she tells Mulder how she really feels. To paraphrase, no, she doesn't want to play with ice worms of death any more and yes she would rather be in Aruba. But she does wait for him. Maybe so they can finish what they started in the sex cupboard in the SUV. 

I hope,

And so it ends..

Quick Score (Full Deets in the top pic)

Story: Original, bold and pacy - 9/10

Mulder: Broody, ballsy, sexy - 8/10

Scully: Smart, sceptic foil to the crazy - 8/10

UST: The first suspense episode, creepy original goodness 5/5

Other Cast: Solid ensemble of misfits delivers - 8/10

Bonus Points: Hot damn sexy moments, extra gazing, partner doubting, memorable, my fave 5/5

TOTAL - 42/50 - Grade A and new topspot sitter!

Join us next time for more ridiculously overthought brain farts

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[ts-indonesia]

ANABEL’S RESPONSES

Michael - https://youtu.be/d2D8bc6CYqw

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Owen - https://youtu.be/YMVQ_dSz4N0

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Leigh - https://youtu.be/exaUzFhNAC0

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Lorelei - https://youtu.be/EbTI4hs4TKA

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Matt - https://youtu.be/95jYHwEIWK8

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Chris O. - https://youtu.be/_gPXZbQfIEI

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Chris S. - https://youtu.be/ej5kHpTH9EE

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Olivia - https://youtu.be/cYx8q_PZH-A

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hey isaac!!! thank u so much for ur kind words, i cant tell u how much i appreciate it after everything.. it truly does mean a lot and i hope we can be friends and talk after this is all said and done.

i also want to apologize for this not being filmed, it’s been a hard day at school today and i look like crap so my words must be expressed thru google doc!!!

so, i really loved this question, i feel like it does really show who was on top of their social game and who wasn’t, and i believe that i was. pretty much all these songs are less about the lyrics that are expressed and more about the vibes they give off. i will link a spotify playlist with everybody’s songs so that u guys can jam out to what i think represents u!!!! hope u enjoy!!!

isaac- for u i chose party tattoos by dodie clark. it is most definitely my favorite song by her, and she’s one of my very favorite artists, so congratulations lmao!!! i would describe this song as optimistically rebellious, and i honestly think that’s a good way to describe u. i can totally see u like leading an insane movement about the mistreatment of teenagers in orgs or something with a smile on ur face and THIS SONG in ur heart!!!

lorelei- sit still, look pretty by daya is ur song my dear. its all about being strong as a woman and not letting urself be controlled, and ur one of the most independently strong people i have ever seen. ur so outward and open about ur personality and who u r, and i think that u could change the world, no problem. this song is very inspiring to me and so r u. please keep being who u r and please keep changing the world!!!!

owen- the song i chose for u is tempo by lizzo and missy elliot. i think this song gives off like all about that bass vibes except….. MUCH better. this song is very loud and out there and SASSY and so are U. i mean. i can only HOPE to be as much of sass-master as u. also, judging from ur tribe’s music video, ur an incredible dancer and u could work it so hard to this song. id literally pay to see that. ur an icon just like the amazing women who made this song!! (also so sorry this song has the n-word ik thats not good im SORRY)

leigh- alrighty sis, the song i chose for u is might not like me by brynn elliot. u all might not know this song, but its basically ab women being stronger and better than men and just fantastic and general. i think that ur a very strong, independent human being and i absolutely appreciate that. i think that people can be intimidated by u, but that doesnt stop nothing and i honestly respect that more than i can say. i hope u like my choice as much as i do!!

chris o- ok so first of all i just wanna let u know how much i love u bc i dont feel like ive gotten to express that yet and i am just head over heels for u bc UR FUCKING GREAT. ok im done ur song is sweater weather by the neighborhood. i chose this song for u because its very chill and very easy to listen to, and when u hear it, u want to hear it again. i love talking to u so much and ur just such a cool, laid-back person, i absolutely think this song represents how i and probably the general population feels about u. everything about u is just so intoxicating and i hope that u know ur beautiful and dont u ever forget it. just like sweater weather (also its sweater weather ssn so wear ur sweaters ladies!!!!)

matt- ur song is hearts dont break around here by ed sheeran. im not a HUGE fan of ed sheeran, however, this song is just so fucking good to me and idek why, i just love it. I chose this for u bc i think that u make people want to listen to u and u can carry a conversation so well, and i think this song is something u cant just listen to once, u have to listen to it again and again. ed sheeran has such a way with his lyrics just like ubhave such a way w words. ur a delight to talk to and ur very chill and happy and just a great conversationalist in general and i think that this song fits ur vibe and ur energy very well.

stoner- this reason might sound so ridiculous at first but PLEASE here me out. i chose ophelia by the lumineers for u. whenever i used to do drugs everyday i would always listen to the lumineers, but mostly this song, literally on repeat, over and over and over. i think that the vibe is just so comfortable and so easy to listen to, and i think it also bring a bit of chaotic energy with the lyrics at times. i think this fits u bc ur a great person to talk to, i think that u can just be like a chill buddy for anyone u come in contact w, but u also have a crazy side that i just ADORE, just like this song.

michael- ok so i bascially chose the best song in the world (in my opinion) for u. i chose the man who cant be moved by the script actually more because of the lyrics and the story than the vibe (wow crazy i know). i think that u have very dramatic tendencies and u would absolutely do something like wait on a street corner for the love of ur life. ur also very stubborn and determined to do whats right, and i think that a lot of ur personality can be reflected through this song. (also btw this is my favorite song and has been since i was 10 lol plz enjoy)

olivia- OK so last but not least my love olivia!!!! so for u i chose valerie by amy winehouse because it is such a bop of a song and u r a bop of a person. from hearing ur voice on calls and in ur song ab lorelei, i think u would sound…. so good. singing this song. kinda like owen i would totally pay to see u sing this song and im sure u could seduce a beautiful woman w the kinda husky feeling of it. also, santana from glee sang this song, and as of season 4, shes my favorite character and ur one of my favorite people and i also can see the fire that u have and the passion u have for like EVERYTHING in her personality.

for trent, i chose electric love by borns, for jess, i chose sue me by sabrina carpenter, and for myself, i chose bang bang by jessie j, ariana grande, and nicki minaj. i wont go into detail on those bc this is already a very long google doc and we dont need it ANY LONGER tbh.

here is yalls playlist, i hope u like!! https://open.spotify.com/playlist/52ledWulSdLA1u86Q3ImUC

[cheerstocrazy]

Vegas Weekend Recap

Jenny hit me up to go to Vegas bc she got left behind, but I was supposed to have an interview on Friday. It ended up getting cancelled, so I started to pack frantically. I was freaking out bc I was SO FAT and felt so rushed. We finally got on our merry way, made it to Vegas after a truly pain-inducing car ride, getting lost, not being able to find a parking garage. It sucked, but I kept my cool the entire time. We parked so far and had to walk for what felt like a mile to the hotel. When we got there, no one even opened the door bc they were all passed out from the pool party. I thought 2 of the guys were gay bc their eyebrows were done lolol. FF a bit and we all got dressed to go to Marquee. We took quite a few shots. All in all, it was a bust of a night bc I wasn’t feeling buzzed, and the girls wanted to go home. Oh well, at least I got 6 hours of sleep. I was exhausted, but I could’ve gone ham too. Drank a crap ton for the pool party the next day, but felt drunk off 6 shots bc I only have falafels in the morning!! Made it to the pool party, and Jas forgot her ID UGH. Jen and I weren’t abt to wait on her, so we grabbed our 2 free drinks and just sat and wait around. Also Jen was kinna a buzzkill bc she was sick and couldn’t drink and was sober. Anyway, pool party was fun, I didn’t even finish my drinks and was feeling so drunk. I think I danced with Knox and had to take care of him too, bc he wasn’t a functional human anymore. Saw Kevin which was kinna cool. Oliver Heldens was the DJ, and the music was really good. We got a really cool Ethiopian driver with whom I enjoyed conversing, but turns out he only did it to get a large tip, so FUCK YA, YA DOUCHE. Jenny was so done once she got home, she couldn’t get up anymore. We walked everywhere to find food, and she wasn’t feeling it/hungry at all, so she didn’t go out at night. I also matched with a Welsh dude from Tinder and I told him we were going out to Omnia. We got dressed and pregamed pretty hard. I drink too much. I ended up wearing Susy’s pretty friggin revealing black cropped/tie top with no bra, and I felt so naked, but looked hot so whatever. We had such an annoying taxi incident again after when a fucking driver kept going when we said wait, we’ll get out. We ended up running over to Omnia bc Susy’s guy was so close to the front of the line and there was so much miscommunication. That killed our vibes and my buzz so much. We were sweating, hot, and annoyed. Finally found the 3 guys, so I asked the bouncer from behind if we could go to the front to meet them. Then we go up, and this fucking LATINO BOUNCER ON A POWER TRIP tries to start something with us and telling us either the guys enter only or everyone goes back. You just cut. The guys were helping us and making up valid excuses. Then the bouncer is like you should have asked if you could cut. I was like BRUHHHH, I FUCKING ASKED THE BLACK ONE BACK THERE. JUST FUCKING HOLD UP A SECOND, ILL GET HIM PINCHE PENDEJO. Wtf, why is everyone trying to start a fight with us. NO ONE HAS GOOD VIBES!! We went in and it turns out they didn’t even have a table FUCK. We’re like well shit, we ain’t paying, so we ended up having to get the guest list pass after all, and it worked out thank god. They ditched the guys which was kinna sad, but not my problem. Anyway, we made it up 3 flights of stairs and he bought us a round of tequila shots. I downed it like a champ and didn’t cringe while the girls made the sour face. I was shocked myself. Jas and I left her bc Jas was like ok, I’m abt to show you a good time, I love Omnia. We took a lap around the tables and didn’t see anyone that looked like they were offering a spot. We made it to the bar and were like we don’t even have our IDs or cards to buy anything. I see this super slim and drunk hairy Italian eyeing Jas. She talks to him, he’s saying oh, you are so beautiful, are you from the heavens? Then I cut to the chase and say if you think she’s so beautiful, buy her a drink! He’s like sure, so I called out 3 TEQUILA SHOTS PLEASE. lmao. He was dressed super shitty, but I guess after that shot, I was feeling loose, so he started hitting on me and who am I to resist? We just danced with each other and we hooked up (fml). He’s not a bad kisser by any means, and we spent a lot of time with each other. I gave him a HJ on the dance floor, and he fingered me a little too heh. I took a couple of photos and he kept kissing me along the neck, which I really liked. I just like to be held/touched when I’m drunk, which he was doing. Also, my philosophy is you gotta find a guy to do shit with to pass the time with. Jas was with a creepy guy and wanted to go, so I was like whenever you want to peace, just lmk. We left to find Susy, and Jas swore she was on the terrace, when I was like SHE IS ON THE BOTTOM DANCE FLOOR!!! GIRL, U IS DRUNK. Anyway, we finally find her and yay happy times! Also, I think the Italian found me again, so I was like shit how??? Jas bounced bc she didn’t have a guy and wanted to get more drinks. Danced with the Italian all the while the Welsh guy is texting me asking where I am. I’m drunk, I’m dancing with a guy, and texting Welsh all at once. Idk where I was or how I got there, so it’s just a lot of back and forth (read Whatsapp, kinna funny). I had no clue where I was, only described the music. Finally, he said he was at the Hearts Club, and I looked around and was like wait I’m here too!!! I told him to wait in an obvious place, and I’d go find him. It’s 3 am. I walked to the bar and passed this guy along the rail, Idk what came over me, but when I passed the end of the rail, I turned back and shouted Tom??? He turned around, and I was so elated! I remember thinking, “Oh, he’s cute!” I think I hugged him. I’m not sure if I grabbed his hand, but we went to dance with Susy. Everything is super fuzzy here. I think we were just dancing casually when we were with Susy, and he was still holding his beer. He ended up taking me to the bar and we took a love shot together. It was by far one of hte worst shots ever. After I took it, I was gagging and screaming at the bartender can I get a lime????? Then after he saw my reaction, he gave me a cup of water and a glass of pineapple juice. SWEET ANGEL FROM HEAVEN, TYSM. You know nothing in Vegas is free, but he gave me all of that!! After this, Idk where he lead me, but I’m guessing it was the main stage. He grabbed my face to kiss me, and his lips were really similar to the Italian’s, almost same kissing style too, but he used significantly less tongue which I appreciated. The one thing abt his kissing is that he was a tease, so he pulled away after a while, when I just wanted to keep kissing. I left my phone in his shirt pocket so I could dance hands free. Idr when, but I heard Disarm You play, so I opened my eyes and looked up, and we were 10 feet away from Kaskade, which was a total moment for me!! I was having a freakout bc I love that song!! Kaskade was there!!! Wtf how???? He played Atmosphere and Eyes too, I was gonna cry!! I would turn around so we were back to front, so I could dance, but he just turned me around. Then I look at my phone and start seeing texts from an unknown number so I assumed it was Susy. She’s like where the fuck are you???? I texted her and told her to leave me. I was gonna leave with him tonight. I just needed them to open the door later. We clearly weren’t on the same schedules bc I meant open the door later as in the morning (possibly at night, idk I was drunk. Idk the time) She thought I wanted to leave immediately. She also thought I was already at the hotel, and I was like no wtf I’m still in Omnia where you left us. So I decided to regorup, I took him outside, and we found them (with other guys milking them for drinks JFC they’re good). They were so relieved haha. Jas also met him and she’s like so you’re from Wales? Do you speak Wale-ish? He said no, I speak Welsh, and she proceeded to ask him that 3x more SMFH. I think after talking, I said ok we’re gonna go use the RR. Went to use it and I just remember (all night tbh) me holding out my right hand, so he’d hold it and come with me. We come back and Susy is like NATALIE YOU NEED TO STOP DISAPPEARING LIKE THAT!! I was like what??? I told you I was gonna use the RR wtf. Anyway, we sat to the way right of them, and Idk what took over my brain, but after he sat down, I was like I’m going to sit on you, then I proceeded to wrap my arm around him. Clearly, wasn’t thinking Idk (?????) Some convo topics we had that I vaguely remember: I think I began with so you’re Welsh? He replied, How do you know that? I said well, you went to Cardiff...He’s like right. me: I know my geography, I’m not an idiot.  I asked for 2 cups of ice and was like how would you address a bartender in British? Mate?? He’s like mate or pal. I was like uhh, I would never say pal pero ok weirdo. I also was feeding him the pieces of ice, and some of them didn’t even make it in. lol Then he brought up the word randy, but Idr the context, probably talking abt himself. He’s like it means sexually aroused. I was like uh, def never heard that before.  I asked him to speak Welsh, and he’s like do you want to hear one of the hardest phrases? Sure. He said it and I couldn’t even tell where the syllables began and ended. I repeated it to him horrifically, and he just laughed. I couldn’t hear either and ofc I was drunk, so I was prolly slurring.  I asked him what his last name was (expecting a cool Welsh name): Jones. Your name is Tom Jones? You’re fucking kidding, right? That’s so classic British jfc. I couldn’t believe it. I probably laughed. He was 5′10-6′. He was muscular and fit like an American, which surprised me. He was wearing a t-shirt, Idk how he got into Omnia. He had really nice arms, which I kept feeling. He also smelled really nice, both of which I’m sure I told him. He’s super sweet, nice, relaxed, fun to be with, and supe gentlemanly. Didn’t go up my skirt at all on the dance floor. He went through my top sleeves a few times, and that’s it. I was surprised. I was like you can grab my boobs dude (in my head). It’s 5 am at this point, and everyone decides to leave. We also finally took our full length photos looking hella trashed. I grab Tom and we start walking to our hotel across the street, and I was like Tom I can’t walk anymore, can you give me a piggyback ride? He’s like ya sure, so he did, but she said your skirt’s gonna show. I was like Idc, I literally cannot walk anymore, so he tried to cover me. He would always be on the lookout behind and sideways, and whenever he saw someone he would spin so that my butt wasn’t facing them. His watch was also cutting into my left leg, so I was like ow, what is that? It’s hurting me. He put me down, took it off, then carried me again. That’s when I tried recording him, and he’s like if you record me, I’m putting you down. *hence the video. They got pizza, and I wasn’t even hungry. I was just so tired!! They all sat down to talk and we found Justin!!! Wtf!!!!! The feeling of being reunited is second to none haha! I sat next to Tom and was so tired, so I just wrapped my arm around his left and arm fell asleep on his shoulder. I really like to be held and hold people when I’m drunk -- something I’ve discovered. Susy was telling me to be careful with my top bc it was showing, but I could not care less. It was 5:35 ish at this point and I have no recollection abt getting back to the hotel, but I was still with Tom and we didn’t talk abt spending the night, but I guess it was expected. Jas was with her guy still, so I was like I guess I’m ok *shrugs* Jenny’s passed out on the bed, so I was like Jenny, go to the main bed. I told her a few times, and she was mumbling something back to me, but I didn’t hear. Then finally I was like, Jenny, there’s a guy! So she grabbed the blanket and hauled ass over there. I changed super quickly bc I was so uncomfortable and tired. I just gave him a HJ under the covers, and he was moaning so much, so I kept telling him Shhh. Sidenote: Jenny said she thought he was snoring so much, which is why I shushed him. LMAO. I also remember him adjusting the sheets and kissing me and I saw him smiling. So sweet. Anyway, after a bit of the HJ, my head met his dick, so I just gave him a BJ. It was super lite and before I saw it, I was like it doesn’t look that bad tbh. It also tasted really good and felt good too. I was trying to be so quiet, so I hardly did anything good. Then I told him to go down on me but either he was ignoring me or didn’t hear me. I asked him if he had a condom, and he didn’t. I think this is the point where I rolled over from exhaustion and bc we weren’t gonna have sex (!!! no condom!!!) Next thing I know, Im wakened up by this motion in my butthole/vagina area?? I was like is he fingering me...but it was really consistent, and I could start to feel the pressure. Then I thought omg is this anal? Then realized it was sex, and he was fucking me from behind. Then I was like but wait, he doesn’t even have a condom. It felt kinna good (idek, I was so sleepy) I was surprised he even got it in by himself. I could hear him moaning too, but I was in and out of slumber at this point. He was starting to go harder, so I could hear and feel the slaps really quickly. He repositioned himself and I think it fell out and he wasn’t getting a good angle anymore. He took it out, and I felt my vagina was a little wet, but I couldn’t tell if it was because I came or not. I don’t think he finished though. I fell asleep shortly after. Then I hear loud knocks on the door, and I was like who the fuck is that?? I was gonna open the door, looked under the blanket, and was like wtf I’m butt-naked, where are my shorts??? I just stayed under the sheets, but I also needed to pee, so I grabbed my green throw and wrapped it around me. I found my shorts and undies on the floor so I grabbed it and went into the RR right as Knox was leaving. He’s like, so who is that guy?? Why is his dick so small?? *makes the hook gesture with index finger* Can’t believe you settled for that, Natalie. Kept talking to me, ALL IN FRONT OF TOM (I just realized this rn, omg I’m mortified lololol) I was so embarassed bc he was not the first I wanted to talk to abt this, and I just met him a day ago. It was like a brother scolding sister talk. So funny but so awkward. I was putting on my undies and struggling so much. Tom was super cuddly. When I was cuddling him, he had one arm underneath me, and the other was one was holding my hand (not wrapped around him) on his chest. I remember being super tired, but liked the sensation of his hand and wanted to see if we were actually holding hands, so I moved it a bit. Whenever I turned around, he would always turn with me and cuddle me. He would slip his arm under my right arm and into my shirt. He just really liked the touch of skin. I also remember telling Knox to close the blinds, and he’s like OMG THERE ARE BUTTONS?? smfh. Anyway with the darkness, I think I gave him another HJ, but he didn’t finish. We fell back asleep.He tapped me ever so softly on my shoulder, and he said he was gonna go. I got up too and couldn’t find my sandals, so I went barefoot. He grabbed his shoes and we both left barefoot. He thought I was gonna leave him at the door, but I walked him all the way to the elevator. I asked him for the time while we were walking, but his phone was dead. When he left, Idk how he felt, but he grabbed my face to give me a peck. I am not a one peck girl, so I went back to kiss him twice more.  When everyone woke up in the morn, they were like NATALIE, WHAT HAPPENED GIRL????? Knox asked me for more details in the morn, and when I told him, he fist pounded me and said I like you!  It took me all morning to piece together what happened and looking through time stamps of convos bc I hardly remember anything. I don’t think I browned out, but I def don’t have full recollection. FML I didn’t mean/expect the night to turn out like this!! Omg, I’m a nice and normal person!! Also, I slept only 80 minutes that morning and I was suicidal all Sunday and I’m still freaking recovering from it. That was wild and ugh too much for my body to handle. 

[imtiredofthis1-blog]

what am i going through

i can’t stop

i really cannot i want to i want to

to stop dreaming to stop remembering

it’s so vivid to me and each state i remember so swell

im not feeling well no not anymore

me accepting this this

hurts..

i wasted two years to you

i dont say it with pride i say it with bitter thought

why couldn’t ive been more alive and well with you

am i really obsessed with you..

man i really rotating time as i think about you

i think about yrs ago forming a sacred essence

i hate myself and i keep getting my face wet

i just can’t stop it’s driving me nuts

im accepting this but everytime i confirm

or conform

i say it’s not true...

please take me from this place i don’t belong here..

i really do not

im afraid of my thoughts and i’m afraid of my reality

i wanna be riche and i wanna be a pomme

how can i tun away how can tun from this

god only knows but internally i am a god just like anyone else

nevermind

______________________________________________________\\

it’s 11:32 closer to 33

i have an interview tomorrow and i’ve been trying to sleep for a while.. but i really can’t.. i don’t know why i keep pulling you in and out of my life or mentality... why am i so weird.. is this nooo i can’t say that cause i know other humans feel this way during break ups.. things that mean a lot to them can’t just disintegrate and be forgotten like a snap.. anyways i hope it goes well so i can juggle two jobs.. i need too i want it.. i keep getting bad vibes here and i’ve been trying to save but it’s hard i can’t we’ll i can but i’d rather not take bread from them they well he gets destructive and try’s to power move me.. it’s unhealthy this vicinity is unhealthy.. i need a friend i need some help.. my grandma called me well i called her to thank her for the present on christmas.. she’s willing to help me through college and i’m just in despair or should i lessen the term im grateful im dead grateful i need help... fafsa won’t work cause my mother won’t. budge just like my father back in 2014-15 child’s and petty i hate them but they brought me to here they birthed me and i can’t say much about my father but my mother.. i feel the minute i was in womb thst she believed it would be a beautiful fruition and that i would be a gift a great gift and she treasured me.. cause i think about girls that abort and i’m all for it but the prior thoughts of destroying life not in a negative manner but more of like oh what will this little guy become if birthed here... so i thank her more and i appreciate the gift of life but boy oh boy so i wish wasn’t alive :/ lol idk

life is weird

i am weird

thank you mom i love you whether we have a bad one or good

anyways it usually goes well for me i mean i basically just walked in told them my application online wasn’t going through and that i just came in to drop a resume and it got awkward cause i insisted or rather demanded ??? an interview lol and i got it.. but i really really hope i get it thst be sweet getting discounts on socks i really like and clothes or accessories .. and then i think about you and wish to share this with you like i shared my sw card so you can get your cake for cheaper..

im done being negative i can still feel it inside but it’s just such a drain and maybe i will strike with jealousy on my next and id have to figure it out then probably sit down with her and talk about our relationship and how we wish to pan it out... but then i just lay here typing this and conclude that i feel solitude would be better although i’m so butthurt or hurt that i destroyed something so beautiful to gorgeous in heart .. i built something and destroyed it.. i’m sorry

im sorry for the waste of time.. the destructive behavior.. the petty.. the midnight leave..

i was just hurt and i can’t invalidate or dismiss your feelings but i played on you and made you unhappy.. tbh a lot of things i didn’t know like i would just say things cause things were accustomed to me like the way i talk i spoke without censor because it’s just spontaneous or me like i would drive a train a thought and hop onto another train that didn’t coerrelate and expected people to get the gist

yeah

i am working in that

maybe it’s just who i am..

what i can do is develop it

or what i should say is i’m gonna develop it

but right now my focus is more money a desperation from this “home” then cooking.. then writing and letting it all out on this demo idea

i talk to myself about why i still sit in these realm of i can’t let go.. most of the time it’s cause i’m in that state of ohhhh we were young and i loved you since like i was 14 cause i wanna say it was around 2008-10 i had another memory earlier that surface around the time 2014 but i can’t recall 😡 anyways cause of that earlier stated mentality that’s probably why i can’t let go cause i wanna love someone who knew me since we were young.. “hey dad how did you meet mom and how long do you guys know eachother” that’s what i think about... and i really try to sway from this badly.. cause it’s all dreams..

i never posted anything for that girl you hate i just posted stuff cause i was sad i proceeded to block her cause it was a bit unhealthy

i dont really chat with anyone except my friends from california but they’re so distant that i just hold from that

i wanna go back down there.. really bad

i wanna stay here and help the nest of my sibs but it’s just unhealthier and ubhealthier veing here..

plus another reason i wanna go is to fog this because i can’t i won’t be able to continue my day if i pass you.. it’s all weird to me and you know maybe you’re the same like how you saw him at the mall and it gave you anxiety ..