#pear.depths

[pearatwar]

to he who lives, life is a frantic havoc. it's hard to tell up from down as you flail your arms wildly trying not to drown. it's hard to tell left from right as you chase after your dreams. it's hard to remember the faces, and the voices, and the habits, of the people you hold dearest.

instantiating new memory cluster...

for the outsider, however, time coalesces into endless little crystals suspended in the air. the rules that bind our lives become self-evident. existence is little more than a cycle of life and death, one with sublime balance.

calculating possible outcomes... [0/10000]

could it be i feel so out of phase with life,

calculating possible outcomes... [497/10000]

so unbelievably far behind everything else,

calculating possible outcomes... [1391/10000]

that i now understand?

^C

Terminate batch process? [Y/n]

it's all a big game of tag. life outruns you, outwits you and you end up laying down on the ground, face down, with a scratch on the knee.

[pearatwar]

we live because we don't know any better - what awaits us on the other side? far too many ideas to coalesce into one; it remains unknown, and as such it strikes fear in us.

we live because we fear death, not only as a result of ideology but as a most primal construct embedded in our very being we've abided to ever since: we fear the unknown because we strive in research and exploration. death is the only thing that, to this day, is impossible to be certain about.

but if it's such a terrifying concept, how come some embrace it? and not because of what religion has made their vocation, or because it would have come soon regardless, but of their own volition?

one can only deduce that life itself is unknown -- we fear life as much as we fear death, and to choose either is to choose the other.

we are creations of nature, mere lab rats on the experiment known as survival on earth, we exist to continue our existance to prove our ability to live in an ecosystem yet inveitably faithed to fade away and shuffle off this mortal coil

inherently we fail to grasp on life and death because we are at this stage atleast incapable of fully comprehending it

we build our mighty towers all while knowing that they are going to be reduced to stone due to the supreme might of time

but pray tell me does an ant however insignificant to the vast world still not hold accountable in part to helping her own colony survive,

yes that doesnt stop the fact that one day it will stop to live for… ever a time infinitely longer than she was alive

but for the miniscule amount of time she did exist

her beauty glorified the experiment of life

[pearatwar]

drank two cocktails and a beer, reunited with my middle school classmates after 5 years of radio silence, said sorry to an old crush of mine for how rushed i was during 3rd year (2yrs ago), danced to music and ripped a hole in my formalwear shirt. the ebb and flow of the speakers' bass makes me tremble inside out. i feel whole again and i have a bit less weight on my shoulders

[pearatwar]

i portray myself, and come off as, a superhuman, iron man unyielding, sputnik, juggernaut

how long will i be able to keep it up?

how long until my plating cracks, my screws loosen, my body rusts and with it my soul? my chassis shakes and my engine sputters; an uncanny resemblance of death

to them, i am the metal-plated stoic i'd grown into, but i've known the boy within peering out the slits and openings, rattling at its cage like the bullets it receives

how long until the boy gets out? will the lead stop then?

[pearatwar]

i'm feeling remorseful and wrong. that is to say, i'm alive and well, or as well as i can claim to be. i've been feeling so down that i can't even get myself to post, which is the number one thing i should do when i'm feeling down.

[pearatwar]

sometimes i lay on the bed flat, face up, take a deep breath and do my best impression of a corpse

[pearatwar]

while you're walking down the strees you will see a shady figure standing in the middle of the road, you cant make out who it is but it's an all too familiar visage, yoh cant put a finger on it but you know it. ypu've met it beforehand. a strong gust of wind blows, it makes you tremble with cold, and when you look back up i'm gone

from left to right: eury, you, me

i cost 7.99... i'd rather cost 7 because of my fixation with the number 1414 but alas. i remain green through every hardship

[pearatwar]

i'm pear!

🇮🇹 | may 11th 2006 | he/they/any | pan | diagnosed: autistic and depressed | single

TW! stuff you might not want to see!

terribly often: yearning (romantic/physical), strong language

sometimes: self harm, eating disorders, self destructive thoughts and ideation

DNI: racists, sexists, TERFs, muskrat apologists, common sense deniers, blogs that only have sh pictures (please :[)

hey! yeah, it's me. i'm like if the weird indie kid fell in a cauldron of The Big Sad and became the cool but Sad indie kid,, the rest is history

i'm your favorite frejlordian one-hit wonder, a sopping wet dog of a man, the museum of human suffering

Likes:

misc!

piracy. lost of it. i am wired head to toe and have 300 gigabytes of pirated games and growing

seriously. i could download you any of your favorite games or media in the blink of an eye

programming, computers and IT! my school specializes in that and oh god theres so much math

green! the color green i love green green green

the number 1414, specifically the number 1414

talking to friends! voice chats! pleaspelapslepleapslepalseplease

brutalism (architecture)

vectorheart (aesthetic)

videogames!

roguelikes! i like that they're always new. in particular, slay the spire, risk of rain 2 and pacific drive

rimworld just sorta speaks to me... i unhealthily love that game

fortnite and league of legends: i know, controversial. the former is my guilty pleasure every once in a while, the latter is daily suffering

niche games: the niche-er, the better-er

social games: see jackbox and content warning!

used to be really into: guilty gear xx, xrd and strive | ultrakill

music!

everything under the dnb-breakcore umbrella term: loud AND fast

shoegaze and noise rock: loud but not necessarily fast

more traditional rock "name three nirvana s-" [gunshot]

lovesick indie

secretly a sucker for mac miller

some videogame soundtracks never hurt anyone, right?

topics!

every once in a while i'll post about my day in a silly manner and advanced lexicon, then i'll make a sad, yearning post and reblog two of my mutuals want to be reblogged? sign up now at the follow button!

i will reply to most if not all asks because i secretly love attention. feed me

tags!

most tags follow a "pear.[identifier]" schema... in order of frequency more or less:

pear.posting (my tag! basically every post)

pear.blogging (irl posts for the sake of keeping you up to speed with my real life life)

pear.typing (big text! i typed text for the sake of typing it and it's the focus of the post. in itself it finds purpose and lives)

pear.depths (woah Sappy. <- typical pear.depths post ender)

pear.meta (a post about the blog itself! because i am nothing without it and versa-vice)

pear.yearning (i just wish i could be loved... my soul grows cold and reluctant [sigh])

pear.asks (in case one of you guys sends me an ask! lovely lovely)

pear.anons (in case one of you guys sends me an ask but is scared)

pear.bustales (posts regarding, or made during, my 45 minute, bi-daily school bus commute)

this list isnt inclusive, and i'll make up new ones from time to time, but in the meanwhile get this other list of tags

rebumble (everything reblog)

two pears in a pod, pear and michael!, michael update (everything michael!! that fuckin creature)

moots!! (just, another moot, just one i dont feel familiar enough with to have a tag for)

silly game time (silly game time asks)