#people in the twitter replies going ‘I really trusted him…guess you can’t depend on anyone to put you in a death trap these days’

[shittysawtraps]

jigsaw comes out with sawcoin and does a crypto rugpull scam and then has to go on twitter to apologize. this somehow harms his reputation more than the actual traps do.

[pisati]

I did write some comments on your post, but that was an initial reaction after one read-through, and of course it was a lot to take in. I went to my guitar lesson, ate a little bit, dicked around for a bit, and read it through again. what’s on my mind is too much for character-limited replies so I figured I’d just write a post.

if you’re serious that the amount of stuff you told me is maybe 10% of all the things her parents did, then... holy shit, dude. it’s hard to imagine anyone growing up with that and not being completely brainwashed. I feel for her daughter too. hopefully once she gets her degree and gets a job she can get away from that bullshit. most people, I think, are reasonably paranoid about the possible threats that come from strangers on the internet, but that’s just extreme. the scottish mafia??? is that even a thing?? I’ve never even. heard of that, lmao. jesus.

I want to say when the internet was in its infancy, a lot of scammers saw it as an opportunity. that’s where the whole Nigerian prince thing and all that came about. first rule of the internet was not to trust anyone. no personal information, to anyone, ever. the thing is, the internet has changed drastically since then. social media has revolutionized the way everyday people use the internet, and very, very many everyday people use it. the chances you’re likely to run into a normal person just like yourself vs. a scam artist today are much, much higher than they were even a decade ago. some people don’t want to accept that things have changed. I mentioned my Brazilian friends on your post; my mom was pretty nervous at first when I told her about them. I met them just before I graduated high school, so I was 17. I actually was on Omegle (which was WAY worse than tumblr or twitter???) and I talked to a kid named Matia. he was a few years younger than me but his english was very good and he was a cool kid. we followed each other on twitter, and then his friends saw and a bunch of them followed me, asking him “quem é essa gringa matia??”-- who’s this foreign girl? they’d talk to me in english about music and ask me what it was like in the US; they were fascinated. they affectionately nicknamed me ‘gringa’; in Brazil it doesn’t have the same negative connotations as it can in Spanish-speaking countries; it literally means ‘foreginer’. I learned Portuguese inadvertently just from reading all the tweets they posted. they’d mess with me and tweet in slang and typo-ed Portuguese so I couldn’t google translate it, but when I learned enough Portuguese and read back on their old tweets, I had a good laugh because it was all stuff like “lol let’s mess with her so she can’t translate it, that’ll be so funny!” and they knew I’d get all frustrated because I didn’t know what it said, lol. like, just pure, innocent interactions between strangers on the internet. I had a ton of fun with it. and Portuguese even ended up being my best language, because I learned it not only in natural, informal contexts (rather than “hello, how are you?”), but I learned it through drunken slang and intentional typos and a whole assload of cursing, lmao.

I was nervous to tell my mom about it; I knew how she’d react. there was no way to tell her about all the jokes and conversations and how all of it was harmless. how I just knew they were real people like me (they were all around my age too). she didn’t want me to study abroad there, when I brought it up, or at least... if I did, she’d rather I’d have picked somewhere in Europe instead. I told her I’d skyped with my friend David, and once I even mailed him a package with an old shirt of mine (because I’d tweeted about how I had this IUP shirt and once I transferred I knew I wasn’t gonna wear it anymore, but I didn’t want to donate it; he said he wanted it and I was like well if you’re serious lol). I skyped another friend Guilherme once because he said he could help with an assignment I had for researching the grammar of non-native speakers of english, or something like that. she warmed up after a while. I think she realized that, hey, most normal people are also on the internet now. and there’s normal people in other countries, lol. but like. people in that generation are from a different era of information-sharing. it’s a totally different perspective. and if you’re the kind of person who worries entirely too much... well, you’ve seen what can happen.

you said it in your other post too (which, first of all, I’m really proud of you for opening up, as painful as I’m sure all this is, and second of all, I’m honored that you’re comfortable enough to share with me)... the thing about sounding ‘weak’ and ‘pathetic’. and... maybe it does feel like that. but given the circumstances? I think reacting like that is perfectly normal. I’m sure you know, but this kind of situation, all the things that happened... none of that is normal. you had a perfectly normal reaction to seriously abnormal events. it’s only natural to want to know why. when you love someone so much and think they love you too, and have your whole perception of the world turned on its head... it’s absolutely devastating. you don’t want to let it go. what else is there? you didn’t picture it vanishing so suddenly, and you feel like that’s it. 

I just want you to know, I don’t see weak or pathetic. I see someone very much like myself. who genuinely cares and feels so intensely and deeply and is sometimes even afraid of being too much. a lot of people don’t understand that we have pure intentions. they don’t understand how we feel because they don’t have that depth. 

anyway, I understand a little better how you feel about it. a lot of it wasn’t her fault; she pretty much had a gun to her head. or, multiple, depending how you want to look at it. she grew up with that bullshit. you said it wasn’t even the first time something like that happened to her. it’s really, really hard to defend yourself or stand up for yourself when that’s what you know. when that’s your family, who is supporting you and your daughter, and threatens to kick you out if you follow your own will. she was playing a losing game. it made me a little sad to read how hard you tried to make it work, when clearly you were being pushed away, but I understand, man. I’ve done the same thing. you want so badly to make it work, you feel like there’s always a way you can. the most devastating part of it all is realizing you can’t. and it can’t be fixed.

the thing that puzzles me, though, and please tell me if I cross a line here. I really don’t want to. I respect your feelings and I understand that your relationship with her lasted a long time; there’s so much packed into that time. I’ve told you a lot of the shitty parts of my relationship with A, and you’ve wondered why I didn’t kick him to the curb; I didn’t tell you about all the good parts there were too. I know how complicated and difficult those things can be. despite how much they hurt you, how they did it, how much more pain you were in because of what they did than anything you could ever do to them... you still care about them. a lot. 

I just... I guess I’m not 100% clear on the purpose she serves in your life at this point. of course you care about her. it’s only natural to, when they’re your best friend. you know so much about them and they know so much about you and you’ve shared so many good things and you just enjoy them as a person. god, I even remember writing some sappy poem or blog post or something about how, even after everything, A could have stabbed me in the gut and I would have apologized for getting my blood on him. but he also did more damage to me than anyone ever has. I realized this past summer (that’s a story for another time) with such sudden, horrible clarity that I burst out sobbing while I was driving home on the highway; what he did was irredeemable. there was nothing he could do to fix it. I had done everything I knew how to do to even stay his friend, and I finally told myself that it was either I continue to pursue this and make myself miserable and make him miserable (because he was allowed to have feelings for whoever he wanted; me getting upset over every new one would hurt him too), or I could just. let go. finally. and that was not a decision I ever wanted to face. I put it off for so long. I told myself there could always be a way to fix it. but it always came down to him putting in the effort. he was my best friend. he knew me better than anyone. a lot of the things you said about M, I’ve said about A. I’ve never been able to be that close to anyone before; he’d seen much more of me than I was comfortable showing anyone else. I didn’t know if I’d be able to be that close to anyone else. making the decision to let go of the one person I was that close to was the hardest thing I had to do this past year, right up there with having to talk to the team from the cremation place not 15 minutes after learning my dad was dead and watching them take him away in a body bag. 

anyway, I guess what I’m getting at is... you can still love her, and still care deeply about her, but also keep her in the past. this is just my conjecture, given that I don’t know anything about your relationship now, but it seems to me like trying to keep her in your life is not beneficial to either of you. I know you said you don’t keep people around based on the purpose they serve in your life, and that’s a good philosophy to have, for sure. I’m not arguing that at all. but I think there’s a lesson to take from Marie Kondo here (ha); when something has served its purpose in your life, you should understand when it’s time to let it go. thank it for all it brought to you, all it did for you, of course; there’s apparently a lot of Shinto traditional beliefs that influenced her organization philosophy that would be really interesting to read about. but anyway I don’t think it just applies to the physical clutter we all accumulate in our homes. we weigh ourselves down with all the things we keep. especially those that don’t ~spark joy~, lol.  if she’s really as brisk with you as you say... do you think she would be bothered if you disappeared as well? 

I know it’s never just that easy. I made that decision, and then later I learned that A had a whole clusterfuck of mental illnesses that he wasn’t even aware he had. it was bad. worse than he thought. but once he finally got into therapy and started journaling his moods, it became more obvious. he realized a lot of how he treated me came from that. when he told me, I felt just a tiny bit of my resolve crumble. how could I drop him like that, when he was clearly struggling and needed something stable? even just a good friend, who was patient and understanding, like I’ve always tried to be? I’m not the only friend he has, of course. he has plenty of people around. I don’t have to go back to trying so hard if I don’t want to, but I also felt like I couldn’t just abandon him. I realized it wasn’t entirely his fault. he still did what he did knowingly, he still knew how it hurt me, but it still wasn’t entirely his fault. I know you’ve seen that in M as well. it’s so complicated, I know.

I’m not trying to convince you of anything. maybe just trying to get you to think about it another way. you’ve got a lot of pain that you’ve buried and try your hardest not to deal with. I’ve done it too. get to it when we get to it, except we hope we never have to. but it makes healing so hard when we don’t address it and subsequently deal with it. I wonder if you think it’s possible to heal the way you hope to and also keep her in your life. I’m sure in some way it is, but I wonder how you picture that possible future. I’m still trying to work that out for myself, with my situation. 

anyway, I really do appreciate you taking the time to help me understand your demons better. and... if it means anything, I don’t see you as broken. even if that’s how you feel. I mean, shit. all of that is enough to break anyone. I’ve never even been in a relationship, let alone had one that got to the marriage-talk, engagement-ring, wedding-dress, baby-name point. for someone that feels as intensely as we do, no less... I can only imagine. I see how the innocence, so to speak, was ripped from your hands. I understand how you feel changed by it. I see the darkness in you that I’ve seen in myself, but I see the light there too. you need to feel safe so that light has time to heal and grow again. 

[thank-your-lucky-stars]

Okay. Having time away from tumblr yesterday really gave me a chance to sort of...be okay about stuff for a bit. I mean, I’m not, but I got some ~clarity about things that I need to talk about.

It was good to be away from Robron and I only came on tumblr to reply to birthday messages (thank you again everyone!) but I didn’t look at my dash or anything. I had a Robron-free day, which was what I needed. 

When I got home last night I did come on tumblr and look at my dash a little, and just like....seeing all the Robron gifsets and stuff, I didn’t really feel anything. Like before all this crap, I’d always feel joy when I looked at them. The past few days I have only felt sadness. Last night I didn’t really feel anything.

In some weird and twisted way, I feel like I have been “cured”. I know I was (am?) in too deep with Robron and I probably was from day one, but over the past year especially I have really relied on them in a way that is unhealthy. I have spoken about this a few times, my reasons for it and what-not, so I won’t go into that again (you can probably find the posts in my #personal tag if you need me to elaborate) but while the good times can leave me with an incredible high, the bad times can really....fuck me up. And that’s not normal. I literally laid awake most of Thursday night, unable to sleep, tossing and turning, and any sleep I did get was plagued with dreams about what happened Thursday (despite the fact I didn’t even watch the episodes) and I was left feeling genuinely sick to my stomach. That isn’t normal. That isn’t healthy. That isn’t fun.

I’m not deluded and I never have been; I know how soaps work and I know couples more or less never get a happy ending unless they leave the show together. I’m not a mug; I’ve watched soaps for more than 20 years, since I was a literal child, so I know the drill. It doesn’t mean I can’t be affected or hurt by what I see, or that I can’t think that the way this has been written, or the timing of this is absolutely awful. Because it is. I’m pretty certain that’s not even a matter of opinion; I think that’s probably a fact. 

I spoke on Friday about how I’m not a positive person and me being positive about Robron isn’t actually like me, yet my faith in ED and my love for Robron somehow carried me through. I had real trust and faith in their storytelling, in their writing (for the most part), and in the words of encouragement they gave us on twitter and in interviews and what not. I believed it all, and I was wrong to, because here we are.

So let’s talk about where we are; it’s shit and lazy. The cheating crap has been done to death, I know it’s a soap but for a soap that has been on form over the past year or so, you’d think it’d try to break the mould and do something a little....different. But nope. I always, deep down, figured something like this would happen one day, but I always hoped it wouldn’t be for at least another year or so. But it has happened, and even though I haven’t watched the episodes, from what I have heard it wasn’t even well written. Which is....a shame. If they’re going to fuck up, at least fuck up right. Although I do sort of like....appreciate that this probably happened in the “best” way. I’d rather it be under the circumstances it was under than have Robert just getting bored and randomly shagging someone one day. I’d rather this than how things went when Paddy randomly started cheating on Rhona even though their marriage was pretty solid at the time. I appreciate that this is probably the “best” way it could’ve happened, even though the timing is crap and it shouldn’t have happened at all. But whatever.

Last night I was almost feeling positive in the sense that “well, at least that’s over and done with now.” - like the worst has happened, it’s happened early, so maybe once it’s happened it won’t ever happen again? Cheating is the one thing I struggle with, the one thing I find hard to forgive, but at the same time I don’t see things as black and white, and regarding the circumstances of Robert’s actions, and the fact he was drunk (no excuse, but he wasn’t of sound mind to give proper consent) it makes it a little more bearable, I guess. I can forgive him, depending on how he deals with it. (Whether I can forgive the writers is another thing.)

But whether I forgive Robert or not, Robron have been tainted. I - and others - can still ship them and love them, but it doesn’t mean it’ll be the same. Their relationship was messed up and unhealthy in many ways, but in another way it was “pure” from cheating. I loved that with Aaron, it was different for Robert. He was meant to be the one that was different from the others. And I still believe that, definitely, but at the end of the day Robert has still been unfaithful, and that can never ever be erased. We can forgive, and maybe sometimes we can forget, but it’ll still be there in their history.

And now we have the fact that Rebecca will probably end up pregnant. Spoilers are saying there’s a pregnancy, and while it hasn’t been confirmed that it’s Bex, I’d literally bet my last quid on it. And when I read those spoilers earlier, I didn’t even feel anything. I didn’t feel sick or want to cry. I just felt...disappointed. I almost laughed. It is the most predictable thing in the world, it has been done approx. 288442848942 times and yet here we are. 

Maybe Emmerdale will surprise us. Maybe there will be a massive twist. I read something on twitter, apparently someone on DS said that a “source” said that Bex and Robert didn’t actually have sex, that Robert can’t remember and Bex is lying or something??? I mean LOL that would be amazing if that was the case, but it’s blatantly....not. At this stage, I don’t have faith in ED to be that clever about it, and even if that was the case, they still put us through all this stress for like......nothing. And after this week, I really don’t believe anything “sources” say. 90% of them clearly don’t know all the facts, all the details, and the rest of them seem to completely make things up. So I wouldn’t believe a single word of that.

Do I think Robron will get through this? Eventually, yeah. But it’ll drag on and on and be boring as fuck, and one thing Robron have never been is boring. We now know that Robert still hasn’t told Aaron by the time he’s released from prison, on the 6th of April. So that’s another few weeks of secrets and shifty behaviour and lies. Awesome. And then who knows when Aaron will find out once he’s home? God forbid ED actually have Robert own up and be honest about it, making a change from all the other cheating crap. So then we have to wait....and then we’ll have the pregnancy stuff (which is no doubt Bex), adding more ~drama and making the eventual reveal even more explosive. YAWN.

So we have - at the very least - another month of crap, it seems. I’d like to think ED will throw in some surprises, will surprise us in a good way, but I can’t see any light at the end of this anymore.

And in a way, I feel like I’ve been cured. I used to try to plan my life around Robron, like I’d try to avoid making plans on nights when I knew they would be on screen (or at least their major eps anyway) and even if I did go out when I knew they were on I’d be thinking about them and feel like I was missing out, even though I’d always watch the episode as soon as I got in.

Not anymore. That’s going to change. I don’t want to be ruled by them. I don’t want my moods to be influenced by them. I don’t want to only feel really ridiculously happy because of them and I don’t want to feel sick and miserable because of them. It’s not right and it’s not healthy and I feel like this whole thing has just, in a way, killed it for me. Not completely, but enough for me to sort of....love them a normal amount, maybe. I mean the spark has gone and I don’t know if or when it’ll come back. 

There are plenty of characters I like/love from Emmerdale, and I enjoy their stories the appropriate amount. I can be affected by stories in good ways and bad ways without it having any major impact on my life. Maybe Robron will get to be like that now too. Maybe I can watch a bad episode for them and not lay awake at night feeling sick and upset about it. Maybe.

I don’t know. I think I’m going to be up and down about this. I’m no longer optimistic about their future but I hope that’ll change. I’ll never be as positive again, that’s for sure. I’m sort of torn between feeling like “okay, the world is shit. there’s bigger things to worry about than a fictional couple.” and “yeah, the world is shit, my life isn’t great, and that’s why I need them to focus on and to be a light in my life.” - I feel like I’ll go back and forth between the two.

I’m still upset and angry and disappointed. I hope that will change, even if a miracle happens and somehow this manages to be okay and Emmerdale somehow manage to fix this. At this point it’s hard to see how it realistically can be fixed, but whereas once upon a time I had faith that they would fix it (like in November), now I’m not so sure they can fix it in a way that is satisfying for me and for everyone else too.

I just hate how things have so dramatically changed not just for me but for everyone. I admire the people still trying to find the light and I understand why even some of the positive people are having to take a step back from the fandom as things are really negative and dark right now. I understand it all and I respect everyone’s views and opinions on this, I honestly do. I just hate that we’re all - not just me, but everyone - having to deal with this in the first place when just three weeks ago we were so so happy and almost excited about the direction we thought things were going in.

This post is a mess but I needed to get my feelings out. I don’t know if anyone will feel the same; I think everyone is feeling a bit confused and messed up at the moment. I just feel like we’re going to have to sort of accept this new era of Robron, accept that things are crap and will be for some time, and we’re either going to have to somehow deal with it and move on, or move on to something else all together, or just learn to live with loving Robron in a different way.

It’s going to be rocky. I think most of us will be very back and forth about it all. But I just want you all to know that I’m still here, and even if I need to take a step back at any time, I’m not planning on leaving the fandom. You guys are the only shining light right now and even if we feel like we might lose Robron (or at least the joy and “purity” of Robron), I don’t even want anyone to feel like we’re going to lose each other.