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roverjamball · 1 year ago

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"I think I'm in love with you and I'm terrified"

DAY 3 - 19.07.2023

“If one does not know to which port one is sailing, no wind is favourable”. - Seneca

Our gazes locked, beautiful amethysts looked into mine, we shared a shining moment of epiphany.

"I think,” Raven says. But before she can deflect, I felt along the bond we share, stronger now that Raven was right here before me, touching, her shutters were about to come down, so I rush in.

“I'm in love with you,” I say.

Five months since their assist at the club in Gotham, and Todd kept calling them back in. They were more Outlaws than Titans at this point.

Mostly Damien and Raven together were needed. They worked well off each other, having been a team for so long and now that they were together, sync was to a whole new level.

But sometimes Todd only called Raven. Those times were the worst. Whenever he could Damian backed her, Outlaws or no Outlaws, but that wasn’t always possible. He was needed in Gotham or was approached by League of Shadows; associates or intermediaries, splinter groups any or all hoping to get their hooks in him. This one had been one of those times. It was handled, suffice it to say they wouldn’t be looking to Damian to be their Demon's Head.

Damian was not an assassin, if someone needed killing and there was no other way, then he was not above it. He wouldn’t start it, but he’d sure finish it. But taking on targets, be it in the name of the greater good, that was a slippery slope. It could tarnish ones soul.

“There is always a choice,” he’d said while immobile, at Slade’s mercy. He tired to live by it every day, some days, days when Raven wasn’t hurt and bleeding, were easier than others.

After nearly month of being away, Raven was back, and soon she’d be back in his loft, eating his food and then at long last tucked in his bed, wearing his clothes. Clothes that she liked to filch. Much to his delight, but they played that it was cleverness on her part, that he was put out and not that every part of him was hers, let alone his things.

“I'm in love with you,” I repeat. Raven seems speechless. Her face blank.

Raven had to have guessed of course, I thought as I waited for her to respond.

I’d said I would and have been an open book to her. Our connections, a bond that flows both ways, allows for nothing less. Raven need never repress any side of herself with me. But it had to be said. Out loud. I didn’t just want to say it, I wanted it DECLARED. To Raven. The world.

Raven looks stunned for a moment, colour returning to her face, cheeks flushed, she laughs in shock, looks at me as if I’ve lost my mind. For a moment I fear I may have miss calculated, my heart stutters, but then Raven smiles at me, a shy unsure thing. Giddy, is what I feel from our emotional tie.

“I care for you deeply Damian. And of any person alive, I care for you the most.” Her look of apprehension belied her words. Give me some time, her eyes pleased with me.

He wanted it all. Her to declare what she felt, as he had. It was obvious that she did feel. She opened up to him in a way that she had with no one else. But for now he was more than happy to be the person she cared for the most. Now that she was standing there in front of me, safe, healed, her hair wet, fresh form a shower, I noticed a hamper by the bathroom, filled with grimy, torn clothes. Clothes she’s escaped in. I could admit how anxious I’d been. How close had he come to losing her.

I checked her for burns, wounds. I sent a prayer to any higher power that listed, bring her home to me. I’d begged. And she was here, in my arms, warm, soft smelling of herbal shampoo and rose soap. Not a scratch on her, from what I can see, and I can see a lot. Though with Raven’s preternatural healing that could mean nothing. Yet, she was safe at this moment. And sometimes this moment is all one can count on.

“Satisfied” she said, her eyebrows raised over eyes crinkling in mischievousness.

I was. Relief, then an explosion of raw emotion, coursed through me. Did Raven feel it? It must leak through me. Again I made a conscious decision, not withhold anything, I let it all out. I wanted to know how she felt, always, so didn’t ever hide how I was feeling.

It was like waking up after days of anguish to find that anxiety was gone. Where there had been only confusion, there was suddenly nothing, and other feelings rushed in to fill the sudden void.

A month apart. I thought I would never survive it. With Raven before me, I wonder how did I survive without her.

Excitement, a nervousness that accompanies expectation flowed threw my body. A surge of warm emotion rolled together with bubbling exuberance.

Raven giggled, there was a note of hysteria in it, which I ignored. Her happiness, however, mirrored my own and I hugged Raven to me, sharing her joy. Our excitement compounded, overflowing.

Raven, the goddess of darkness, and in those shadows, these feeling were new, budding but no less vibrant. The sensual pleasure of the feminine mysterious scent of her, looking at her face, so close to mine, genuine joy and something more mysterious, her dark hair playing on my arms, goose flesh riddled my skin where it touched. The connection between them sparked, as strong as he remembered it. Reinforced by nearness and touch. It felt like coming home after a long, terrible trip, and he grinned at her like an idiot.

I needed to feel her skin under my hands, to feel her pressed to me. And so I did. She was alive, and in my arms.

The need, was a hunger I felt in my core. I needed her, all of her, as much as I needed air, more even, if that was possible.

And I finally told Raven. She meant everything to me, and it was enough that she was here. I'd never been very good at expressing myself verbally. But now, I felt free, unburdened.

By the time Raven was released from medical, I’d gone half mad getting back to the Tower. I patiently waited while she showed, and now I was already pressed up against her.

Raven let out a gasp in surprise, but I leaned gently into her, walking her backwards, carrying her, pressing her shoulders to the door. Slowly, savouring I lowered my mouth to hers, she moved to meet me half way. Her lips were soft, sweet, hot. She went still for a second, then let out a low sound and wrapped her arms around my neck rubbing my shoulders, kissing me with abandon.

I could feel her, relaxed and calmness in holding me. The excitement of anticipation coursing through her.

Her slender, warm body and softness moulded against my hardness. My hunger roared, and I controlled it, the kiss, my tongue lightly teasing. Raven, impatiently deepened the kiss, her lips almost desperate, low whimpers vibrating through her mouth and into mine.

I started to feel a little light-headed, having Raven, wet and wrapped around me could surely do that. Her robe came lose, dark blue against glowing skin. It was all too much and not enough. I was feeling disoriented, some part of me warned against it, I only pressed harder against her, kissing her neck, barred shoulder, taking her hands under my T-shirt as a resounding yes!

I slid one hand over her hip, under her robe to curl about her naked waist. Raven pulled her to me, and I responded, her breath hot and quick, against my throat like soft butterfly wings. I felt each exhale all over my body, like I was a ringing tuning fork.

We’d been taking things slow, but it seemed Raven was as ready to really be one with me this night. There weren’t many secrets between us, but one and with the way Raven’s sent filled the air, her feelings bombarding wave after wave.

We would be…

Lifting one leg to press against mine, winding around my hips, pulling me nearer, Raven murmured “I love you.” A kiss then “ I missed you”, she said mindless in sensation.

I lowered my mouth to her throat, tongue tasting her heartbeat, racing just like mine was, and she arched against me, “Damian”. She chanted my name, encouraging me.

How did I get so lucky I thought, gently biting her pulse, sending quivering shock waves through her. Raven shook against me, letting out quiet sounds of deepening need.

Our connection snapped into overdrive. I could feel it all. Sensation flooded our starved systems .

Too long.

“Damian”, she called to me and I found her eager lips with mine, and her fingers tightened in my hair, drawing me hard against her.

My dizziness grew. Some coherent part of me, a small part not focused on Raven, thought my reaction odd. I struggled to follow that train, but passion and need murdered any reasoning brain power.

Raven shuddered. She stopped kissing me and pressed her palm against my chest, my heart beating against her worryingly fast, turning her face away from me Raven distanced us.

I came too myself then. We were wrapped in midnight energy. Raven pushed again, gentle, and as I move out of the aura, the disorientation lessened.

My lips still burned to touch hers again, but I closed my eyes, feeling reason return. I took slow, shuddering breaths and backed away from her. My heart beat manageable. Fast still from …. Well we were about to be very intimate.

“What happened?”

Raven looked as shaken as I felt.

I led Raven to a sofa, unable to totally forgo skin contact. Shoring up my shields, I held her cold had in mine, warming her up. She emerged from shifting shadows, her robe covering her again, much to my irritation.

"I could feel you,” she said, after a minute of sitting in silence.

"I could feel you too. It …" I shivered. "It felt …..…I was, heaven.”

Raven looked shocked, her jaw dropped.

Adorable. I had rendered her speechless. Didn’t happen that often. I kept my lips pressed, lest I laugh.

“Sex with me is dangerous. Intimacy with me, is to share in my power.” She paused at his raised brow. She’d told him that. This wasn’t their first time being intimate.

Life was energy, Raven had explained, each cell contributed to a beings life, storing energy. And sharing touch, tasting each other they shared that energy, that was life. But it was much stronger this time. Was it the time apart? Their tie making up for lost time?

His expression was neutral, but when Raven looking guilty, for being an empath, having daemon lineage, he sheath with anger. Ostracised by the League, by Azarath, when she couldn’t help how she’d been born? This beautiful women was a goddess among mortals, kind and funny, a healer. So strong in mind, her sprit was a marvel.

His beloved was gifted, amazing, a marvel not cursed as she beloved, as others treated her.

“I don’t think I control your mind,” she went on. “I mean, I’ve never tried, not during. …..I don’t want to, but its difficult to focus during…… anyway,” she continued in a brisker tone. “I know I’m stronger than an average person, mentally. And lost in sensations, being an empath, well there isn’t much control during such an emotional high.” Bitterness crept into her tone.

"Sex is more than just sensations. It's a union of the energy of two lives. And it's explosive. It's the process for creating life. For creating a new soul. Think about that. Power doesn't get more dangerous and volatile than that.”

I nodded, frowning.

"Love is another kind of power, which shouldn't surprise you. Magic comes from emotions, among other things. And when two people are together, in that intimacy, when they really, selflessly love each other, it changes them both. It lingers on in their aura, even when they are apart."

“That is when I can’t hide anymore from the fact that something is very wrong with me.” She said it as if they were the most hideous actions. Raven wanting what everyone wanted. Someone of her own, to love her, hold her and share in her passion. He couldn’t disagree more. Her compassion, her empathy made her miracle, just as. Just Raven

“I have to control my thoughts,” Raven continued, as if confessing to the worst sins “my feelings when I’m upset, so other people don’t get infected by my emotions, get manipulated.”

Her voice trailed off and she kept glancing at him as if expecting him to berate. She spoke of her amazing abilities with more shame than he’d heard the Joker or Black Mask speak, after killing untold number of innocents. For money or just for the heck of it.

“Wait,” he said in a carefully controlled tone. “I remember you told us, at fourteen you truly realised your uniqueness. You didn’t know what you were before then? What did Arella, the Azar tell you about your father till then?”

Pain filled her expression, her shield locked down tight, I got no impressions from the tenuous bond between us.

Raven’s face said it all, her posture, she was closing in on herself. “My teachers never mentioned my father. If I’d ask, as I did when we had little time together, Arella changed the subject or got angry. Azarath was different than earth. Its own culture. I wondered who my biological father was. No one said anything, but they let me know I was tainted blood.”

She closed her eyes. I reached out with my emotions. Showing her, you are special to me, how wonderful she was.

“They did the right thing. It was necessary for mother to be kept apart from me. I couldn’t then succumb to strong emotions and be taken over by Father.”

Oh, how well I know that pain, Beloved

Her words excused Azarath and Arella’s actions, but her eyes filled with tears. Raven tried to blink away the telling moisture, stop it from spills down her ashen cheeks, her shields held, but the hurt was evident.

Her mother, all of Azarath for years kept her lineage hidden, training to suppress all emotion. An empath. Her life, childhood devoid of warmth, a mothers love.

No wonder her eyes held such desperation. Her own mother had broken her, and Arella’d let it be done to her own child, when Raven had been at her most innocent, vulnerable. Punished for no fault of her own.

Yet Raven hadn’t stayed broken. Somehow, once she learned of her dark lineage, his fierce Beloved picked up the pieces, found strength of sprit in herself. She avenged her mother, became a hero who saved the very world. Now, every time she took on the likes of Brother Blood, her own Father, Raven was trying to suppress the parts of herself Arella taught her to despise…and also, without realising it, trying to earn her mother’s love.

How well he knew, the others, when they found out of mother and grandfather, well when it wasn’t names it was how they treated him. And sometimes, even Father’s eyes held doubt.

Raven shouldn’t have had to be that strong. No one should.

“Damian, I think I'm in love with you and I'm terrified.” The sincerity on her tear streaked face broke my heart.

I crushed her to me. She came willingly, her trust a salve to my soul.

Relieved. That’s how Damian felt.

Raven, he’d hoped cared for him as he did for her, their bond was proof, an empath as strong as Raven would bond with her love.

There were glimpses, when Raven’s shields were down, he could sense that she also … yet, he never realised how much he needed Raven to say it. Out loud. To hear it form her own lips. He was right. Nothing else in the world had a sweater sound.

“Damian, I think I'm in love with you too and I'm terrified.”

He’d need to work on convincing her that they were ride or die. For he would die for her, and with startling clarity Damian realised that he was willing to kill for Raven’s well being. For the latter, he’d give her no reason to be terrified of her feelings for him. But judging by the emotions coursing through him, possessive, protective and he’d admit, strongly irrational, if Raven felt half of what he did, the world should be terrified.

She must’ve sensed his thoughts, felt his emotions, because Raven smiled tentatively, blinking the tears from her eyes. The next moment her lips were on his chest as she clutched at him, desperation rolled in the part of Damian’s mind their connections occupied. Their bond a part of unconscious, stronger, more stable now, must be the declaration of love from them both that gave it such strength.

Raven’s eyelashes like butterfly wings on his skin. Raven wrapped her arms around him tighter, and Damien felt euphoria burn brightly inside him. Coursed through his veins. His heart beat so fast, he thought he would explode, the beats an epicentre. Was surprised when it didn’t. Her ears could surely hear, with her nearness Raven could surely feel what she did to him?

Her head bent he could see her hair was as always the darkest night. She hadn’t bothered to put it up, and it spilled over her shoulders down to the curve of her breasts, midway down her back. The light from the windows played on the dark strands, coaxing deep-purple highlights from the mass of loose, heavy waves he loved to play with. Her face was a soft oval, with a small but full kissable mouth and her high cheekbones, that rested on his heart.

Feeling mischievous, he very deliberately said, “me too, Beloved.”

*************************************************

I snuggled into Damian’s side, as soon as he sat beside me. It was amazing how comfortable she felt with him. His arm around her shoulders felt just right, and their bodies fit together in a lovely, cozy way. She had the brief thought they might fit in other ways, too. She shivered, but not with cold.

Beloved! She was his already, in her heart she’d known that, and Damian’s actions, emotional aura told her he also saw her as his and he, hers. But now the words were said and heard. Words have power. Perception is reality. If she could see it, she could create it. Her magic primarily will based.

Still, it was getting chilli, Raven pointed towards fat pillar candles she’d brought with her last time she was here. Scattered around the room; on a work table she co-opted, stand alone shelves without anything flammable Damian installed especially, corner tables, window sills. With a bit of will and concentration, a blue glow lit her room, glowing orange and yellow when she reduced the intensity.

She turned back to find Damian smiling at her, his face golden in the flickering light, his eyes the deepest forest that when she looked into she knew she was home. Raven couldn’t keep the smile off her face either.

Damian not to miss any opportunity, kissed her face, her neck, all the while telling her how he loved her. Making promises of forever, of happiness, devotion. Of loyalty.

“I hope you know what you’re doing” Constantine had said when Raven spoke to Doctor Fate of her feelings, she’d asked if it could be dangerous.

“Unclear”, the agent of Order said. He didn’t seem to care enough to discourage her. So perhaps her relationship with Damian didn’t have big-picture consequences?

Me too, I thought a while later, as I led Damian to our bed. I also hope I know what I’m doing.

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