#rwylm series

[lokiusmybeloveds]

Life as a post-finale Lokius stan:

[taintedcigs]

GETAWAY CAR — rockstar!e.m. x f!reader

CHAPTER FIVE: STRUCK A MATCH AND BLEW YOUR MIND

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✦ summary: in which you decide to reveal everything at brunch and chaos ensues. (wc: 8.3k+)

✦ warnings — ANGST!!, like this one is really angsty buckle up! argument </33, yelling, crying, mentions of an ab*sive relationship, it is not detailed by they talk A LOT about it, mentions of bruises, some trauma/making fun of trauma, chrissy being super mean and omfg reader is PETTY, jealousy, pining and slowburn, strong language!, mentions of alc*hol and drg use and a toxic/ab*sive relationship, food!!, steve is silly luv him

✦ pairings — rockstar!eddie munson x fem!reader, past billy hargrove x fem!reader, eddie munson x chrissy cunningham, nancy wheeler x jonathan byers

✦ authors note — ngl this was fun to write LMAO but so hellish to edit JFC IM FINALLY DONE!! a few songs i listened to while i wrote this chapter are; liar by paramore, rwylm by taylors swift, and lover you should've come over by jeff buckley. need to add all those to the playlist asap !! also feel free to chat with me in the asks abt this series (and anything tbh) pls!! and not proof-read pls ignore mistakes!!

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Counting cobblestones was your best distraction from Robin’s loud groans and the noises her dress made as she stretched it further and further. The sun streamed through the both of you, causing you to squeeze your eyes lightly. 

“Would you let my poor dress go?” You warned without turning to her, hand having a harsh grip on the gin bottle you were afraid of dropping. 

“I can’t, it’s itching!” She groaned, harshly scratching her chest. 

“Why’d you even ask to borrow a dress if you hated wearing them so much?” You threw her a look.

"I wanted to look presentable! But now, I think I’d rather wear a trash bag than ever be this uncomfortable again,” she said through gritted teeth, following you to the doorstep. 

You giggled, “But you know what?” you turned to her with a smile, “You look super pretty in that dress, Robs,” you winked teasingly, earning a groan from her as your hand shakily pressed onto the red doorbell, careful not to drop the bottle that was in your grip. 

A few rumbles were overheard before Steve swiftly opened the door, leaning against the doorframe as he gave the two of you a look, both of you in your sundress, while you held the bottle in your hand like a prized possession and Robin was still scratching her neck. “About damn time, I was starting to think you guys forgot where I lived!” He said teasingly, causing you to narrow your gaze. 

“Whatever happened to hello? Hi? I missed you, my bestest friend, Pinky!” You exaggerated dramatically, “Oh and you totally look so much better than that traitor sitting in my living room,” you spat snarkily, perfectly imitating a bitchy Steve. 

“You know about that?” Steve asked, and you were quick to nod. “Oh, thank fucking god! I did not want to be the one to tell you,” he sighed a breath of relief, a gesture you met with a roll of your eyes.

Steve quickly changed his tone to flattery. “Have I told you how much I missed you, sweetheart?” he said with exaggerated sweetness, “Oh, and you look so pretty!” He continued with an amplified smile, “so much better than that traitor sitting in my living room.” He hummed, covering his mouth sideways, so childlike that it had you giggling. 

Amid the banter, Robin, still visibly uncomfortable, impatiently broke in. “Okay, doofus, are you gonna let us in?” She groaned and brushed past the two of you, making her way to the familiar kitchen.

“Hello to you too, Rob!” Steve responded with a chuckle, before closing the door and guiding you both to the cozy kitchen.

Once inside, Steve couldn't help but ask, “So, what have you got there, P?” His eyes locked on the gin bottle in your hand.

With an excited gleam in your eye, you presented it proudly. “A party gift,” you said with a grin, shaking it gently in front of Steve's face before he took it from you.

"For breakfast?" Steve asked with a huff and a raised eyebrow. 

“We’re going to make breakfast martinis!” Robin chimed in excitedly, her eyes lighting up as she grabbed two elegant cocktail glasses she'd found in Steve's well-stocked kitchen. The crystal-clear glasses made a chiming sound when she set them down harshly.

“You guys have a problem,” he joked, leaning against the kitchen counter while he eyed the way you hurriedly searched for something in his fridge.

“Says the guy who used to shotgun five beers like it was nothing,” you scoffed behind the fridge door. A shushed ‘Yes!’ escaped from your lips when you acquired lemons and a bottle of orange juice from the fridge's depths. 

“And that is not how you make a breakfast martini,” he playfully groaned, stealing your ingredients away from you. Your pout was met with a playful eye roll.

“Oh-kay, fancy pants,” Robin mocked, making you snort with her easy banter.

Steve couldn't help but ask, genuine concern etching his brow, “You sure you’re okay?”

You shrugged nonchalantly, but they both eyed your expressions curiously, almost as if you were a ticking time bomb.

“Oh, c'mon, you two!” You brushed it off, trying to shift the focus.

“We’re just worried about you is all,” Robin added, placing a reassuring hand on your shoulder. Her fingertips were warm against your skin, concern washed over her face.

“It’s perfectly normal to not be okay, you know,” Steve reassured you, his voice gentle. “I mean, it must be hard coming back here after everything-”

“Well, I’m fine, Steve,” you replied a bit more sharply than you intended, guilt settling in your stomach quickly. Steve's comforting stance somehow allowed your emotions to spill out more freely.

“It’s-it’s just such a fucking gut punch that he brought her here, you know?” The frustration in your voice was palpable, tone heavy with pain.

“I know, I know,” Steve empathized, both of them stood by your side, hands resting on both of your shoulders, comedically protective. 

“Want me to beat him up?” Steve said with a serious gaze, hands forming into fists as he playfully punched the air. You and Robin erupted in giggles, as Robin elbowed him playfully, “I think she needs someone better at fights to protect her, you know?” She narrowed her gaze.

“Ow!” Steve dramatically gasped, “Rude!” He pouted. “Thank you, my knight in shining armor, but I’ll be fine." You snatched the gin bottle, moving on to the task at hand – preparing the breakfast martinis as you poured the clear liquid into the glass.

“I’m more worried about your health there,” he hummed, pointing toward the generous amount of gin you poured into your glass. 

“Jesus, when did you become such a priss, King Steve?” Robin mocked further before he gave the two of you a look. 

“I don’t like you two together,” he huffed, hand gesturing between the two of you dramatically, “so mean,” he said, tone exaggerated, and slumped playfully, pretending to be defeated.

“Aww, come on, Stevie,” you pouted, “I missed ya,” with a hum, you gave him a quick, affectionate squeeze in a tight hug. Steve responded with a theatrical cough causing you to roll your eyes.

“What have you been up to? I listened to Robin’s work crush, the whole fucking way…” You enunciated dramatically, drawing a teasing reaction from Robin, who exclaimed, “Hey!” in response.

“Can you believe her name is Lily? Lily… that’s so pretty, she’s so pretty… Like a flower. I mean her hair is so soft, I-I mean it seems soft I never like touched it or anything, that would be creepy-” You mimicked Robin and her fast-talking, and she stuck her tongue at you childishly. 

“Is doofusness contagious? I feel like you’ve been standing too close to Steve.” She mocked with a smirk, taking a jab at both of you, but more so Steve as she leaned against the counter cooly. 

“You’re quick with the comebacks today, Rob, jeez!” You praised, turning back to Steve who was disregarding the two of you with a shake of his head.  

Robin winked at you, before snatching the bottle from Steve’s hand to make herself a drink. “So… Stevie, what about you?” You hummed, leaning in with a curious expression.

“How’s work?”

A proud smile spread across Steve's face as he said, “I got a promotion.”

“Oh my god!” You exclaimed, genuine excitement dancing in your eyes. “Steve, that’s amazing!” His frown had your brows furrowed, “why are you not excited?” You pouted.

“You remember Adam?” He huffed, “the guy from accounting?” Your brows quirked up in intrigue, Steve was quick to nod. 

“He turned out to be a douche,” with a scoff, he leaned further on the courter, his muscles flexing with irritation. “What?” You asked with a frown, “but you said it was getting serious?” 

“Yeah, I guess I was wrong, I dunno,” He shrugged, wanting to seem nonchalant but it was obvious he was hurt. 

Your face fell quickly, “well, what about that other girl you met in the grocery store?” You asked hopefully, nudging him slightly. 

“Didn’t even call me back,” Steve huffed, and you couldn't help but pout at his apparent string of bad luck.

“Stevie…”

“I dunno what’s wrong with me,” Steve admitted, his voice laced with self-doubt.

Your heart ached at his insecurity, and you couldn't help but reassure him. “What? Nothing is wrong with you! Are you kidding?”

“These people sound like the problem to me!” You exclaimed, “I mean look at you! A nice boy with a good job, and that hair? So soft!” you giggled, hand ruffling with his perfectly made hair, which he would usually yell at you for, but now he just looked at you with the most puppy dog eyes. “Harrington, you’re the whole goddamn package.” 

“You mean that?” He sounded so insecure, and innocent, that your stomach was quick to drop, knowing that Steve doubted himself like this. 

“Of course!” you reassured with a pat on his back, “fuck both of them! I’ll get you something to drink.” You winked.

“Please let me make it,” Steve replied with a hint of mischief, narrowing his gaze playfully. “In fact, I’ll make both of you a proper drink,” he emphasized.

“Fine, pretty boy.”

“Rob,” he called out to her with a tilt of his head  “Orange liquor, please?”

Robin looked at him with a puzzled look, “am I supposed to know where that is?” 

A tad exasperated, Steve pointed to a spot on the counter. “Right there on the counter, Rob. Jesus, you never let me look cool.”

“Don’t worry pretty boy, you don’t need her to make you look cool.” You winked teasingly, hand gently placed on Steve’s shoulder to give him a reassuring squeeze, causing Robin to snort behind you as you elbowed harshly to shush her. 

Of fucking course, that’s when they decided to come into the kitchen, you could hear Chrissy’s annoying giggles before you saw her, and Eddie’s face dropped the second he saw the two of you. And all you could focus on was how close they were standing next to each other, Chrissy’s shoulder brushing against his.

You felt sick again. 

Eddie cleared his throat, the laughter in the room dying with it. His sour face grew hot because he heard your compliments to Steve, saw the smiles you gave him, and your hand on his arm. 

Insecure thoughts were quick to race through his mind, why was your hand on his arm? And pretty boy? You used to call him that. And him only.

His thoughts should have driven him closer to Chrissy, to make you more jealous, to have that satisfaction, but all it did was leave a bitter taste in his mouth, another lump he couldn’t swallow, and he stepped a bit back away from her unintentionally. 

“Hi!” Chrissy beamed, and your eyes squinted with her voice, the urge to roll your eyes, and confront her right now was strong. 

None of you answered her, it was awkward, pretty fucking awkward that even Robin’s cheshire cat smile didn’t save the room, Eddie speaking up did. 

“You- uh got any water, Harrington?” It was supposed to be a joke, but the way it rolled out of his jealous lips made him sound bitter as if he was pissed at him. 

Steve, taken aback by Eddie's sudden change in attitude, raised an eyebrow and responded, “Yeah?” He pointed toward the refrigerator, offering some bottled water.

Annoyance seeped through you as they stood there, prickling like a knife through your skin, your gaze narrowed as you tried to avoid looking at them, but it was awkward, so fucking awkward. 

Eddie was quick to take a sip from the bottle, the entire room filled with silence as his gaze never faltered on you, “you got any notes for me?” Eddie said cooly, leaning onto the fridge, Chrissy by his side. 

It was aimed at you, and you totally would’ve missed it if every eye in the room didn’t turn to you. You furrowed your brows in confusion, trying to deflect the attention. "Huh?"

Eddie’s demeanor changed at your confusion, almost like his confidence wore off the second he realized you might not have read it. “The note, you said you’d review it?” His voice held emotion, you could hear it, a pang of insecurity along with betrayal, but you didn’t want to talk about this, and you didn’t want to talk about it in front of her.

“No.” You lied through your teeth, swallowing the lump in your throat when you finally looked at him, like really, really looked at him. 

He looked tired, with dark circles surrounding his eyes, hair even messier than usual, his lips cracked, and you could smell the nicotine off of him, even though he was halfway across the room. 

And there was a slight shift in the way he held himself when you told him you didn’t read it, his tongue rolling inside of his cheek in a sour manner before he straightened up. “Typical,” he spat, he didn’t mean to, it was more supposed to be his inner voice, but he couldn’t help himself.  He couldn’t help the way he felt insecure when he saw you standing next to Steve, and he couldn’t help but show how much you not reading the note shattered him.

“Excuse me?” You scoffed, the air in the room getting tense, Steve and Robin pretending to be distracted while continuing to make a drink, Robin’s clumsy clatters serving as a noisy backdrop. 

“What does that mean?” You asked calmly, maybe it wasn’t as calm as you intended it to be, but he really had the nerve to come for you when he didn’t even realize he was the one who was in the wrong. 

“It means that I wouldn’t have expected anything more from you,” he spat out like he was your enemy, and it hurt, it fucking hurt that he saw you as someone that careless as if you didn’t read the entire note the whole night, as if you didn’t fall asleep to Aurora playing in the background. As if he knew anything. 

Your anger flared, and you couldn’t help yourself, “What the actual fuck is your problem?” Your voice raised, and you straightened yourself, taking a step closer to them as both Robin and Steve’s heads snapped toward your direction, wanting to interrupt, but Chrissy got to it first. 

“Okay, I don’t think we should-” Her screeching voice grated your ears.

With that, your attention turned to her, head cocking in a sharp gesture of anger, “stay out of it,” you warned, both Steve and Robin watched you in full force, almost looking like they wanted to cheer you on. 

Chrissy turned to Eddie as if she was asking for him to say something back to you, but Eddie’s gaze remained on you, unable to process anything else. 

She took a step closer, her head slightly tilted to the side, “Oh, come on, take a chill pill, Pinky,” she gave you a smile, it wasn’t warming, it wasn’t genuine, you could see right through her. This was her catty smile. 

And it almost triggered something in you—the way her head tilted, her hand on her hips, the ‘take a chill pill’ line, it was something you recognized all too well. 

The same phrase, that same annoying octave, and the same hand on her hips when she first “accidentally” started the rumor that you had kissed Eddie—granted, it wasn’t a rumor. It was true, you had kissed Eddie while you and Billy were on a break, but you told her that in confidence, and she broke your trust. Yet, like an idiot, you believed her when she said it was an accident, and that someone must have overheard the two of you talking.

Once Billy found out about the rumors, he barely let you breathe, not only did the fights get more amped up and violent, but he also isolated you from your friends, and mostly Eddie. You didn’t put the pieces together that Chrissy caused the rumor until much later.

Then, at Steve’s party, the same smile, and that same phrase, like you hadn’t caught her with Billy in the bathroom minutes ago. 

And now, she was doing it again, you assumed it was on purpose, or at least it all felt like it was on purpose. And it boggled your mind how quickly she made Eddie believe she was a nice person. Because she wasn’t, and even if she was, your friendship was beyond salvageable now. 

You decided to take a step closer to her, Steve and Robin both jumping on their feet, afraid of what might happen. But you had no intention of doing anything, or even saying anything to her. 

Because you had decided your mind. 

If Chrissy wanted to play that game, then so fucking be it. 

When the bell rang once again, Steve was quick to rise, “Must be Nancy and Jonathan!” he announced, voice almost cracking from the tension in the room. He was quick to scurry off, inviting the main couple inside. You turned to Robin swiftly, almost ruining her balance with the way you snatched the drink from her hand, you took a big sip, downing the contents in one go. Then, without acknowledging either of them, you headed inside, leaving behind the simmering tension in the kitchen. 

-

You were all seated, Nancy and Jonathan side by side, next to them Steve and Robin, and on their right, were the rest of the band, followed by Chrissy, Eddie, and you. 

The table itself looked perfect, you could see that Steve went all out for it, adorning the table with an array of breakfast foods. Plates piled high with pastries, fruit, muffins, and of course, Steve’s special pancakes. He never stopped raving about them, and the second he sat down, he grabbed a generous amount of it to his plate. A pot of steaming coffee sat right by the end of the table, along with your gin bottle sitting right next to it, which was what you had been preferring, because everything was fucking awkward.

You were sipping on your drink like it was your lifeline, Steve and Robin watched you with a concerned gaze, whispering back and forth. 

Jeff, Gareth, and the new drummer you hadn’t met before, Nathan were laughing obnoxiously, and you almost felt like it was all aimed at you.

Maybe you were paranoid, but you assumed they wouldn’t be keen on you, knowing that after L.A. all they saw was a mess of Eddie who wrote nothing but sad songs, which all the lyrics seemed to point in your direction.

“How is pre-wedding life going for the love birds?” Eddie hummed seemingly more content than before.

Jonathan and Nancy both let out an exasperated sigh, giggling like kids after they realized how in sync they were, “pretty fuckin’ tiring,” Jonathan replied, taking a mouthful bite from the pastry he had on his plate.

“You guys are still on for tonight, right? I promised the guy at Hideout at least two songs from Corroded Coffin,” he emphasized the band's name mockingly. 

“‘Course, dude, whatever you need,” Eddie gave him a small smile, a wink thrown in for good measure.

Unintentionally, Eddie shifted his gaze towards you, observing the way you seemed to shrink into your seat, fingers nervously tracing the rim of your drink. Chrissy's eyes followed him, her gaze narrowing as she caught onto the subtle shift in his attention. He leaned closer to you, so close that his hand almost brushed against yours that sat on the table.

Eddie opened his pursed lips, about to utter something, but Chrissy couldn’t let that happen.

“This feels weird,” She hummed, “the last time we were all here, this table was for beer pong.” She giggled, and slightly nudged Eddie.

Eddie gave her a tight-lipped smile before his attention was quick to turn back to you, but you ignored his burning gaze.

“Steve that was a sick party,” She exclaimed excitedly, trying to gather Steve’s attention who was busy trying to locate the syrup for his awaiting pancakes. 

Your head almost popped up simultaneously at the mention… the same party. The same fucking party she tried to kiss Billy. The same fucking party she humiliated you with her words. The same party she made fun of…

“Huh?” He asked mindlessly, almost knocking over Robin’s drink with how fast he was looking for the syrup, completely ignoring Chrissy. “Jesus Christ!” He exclaimed, earning furrowed brows from Robin, who just shook her head at him. 

“I forgot the syrup!” He groaned, getting up from his seat. “I’m sure you’ll be fine,” Robin mocked, as Steve threw her a glare before making a hasty retreat to the kitchen with a string of curses leaving his lips, while the rest of the table tried to soak in the awkwardness.

Gareth was quick to chime in though, “oh, yeah!” he quipped, remembering the party. “You went to that party?” Jeff asked with his brows pinched together in confusion. 

“Yeah, Eddie was selling so he brought me along,” he explained, grabbing Eddie by the shoulder with a chuckle. 

“Oh god, that was the same party you beat Billy to a fuckin’ pulp, dude!” His chuckle grew louder, hand on his stomach.

You and Eddie tensed at the mention of it, while you enjoyed Billy finally not being able to get away with his violence, none of that memory was amusing to you in the slightest. And nor was it to Eddie. 

Gareth turned to Chrissy when his laughter finally died off, “Hey, didn’t we play beer pong together?” 

Chrissy's face lit up with a nostalgic giggle, “oh my god, we totally did!” She exclaimed excitedly, but your gaze remained on your empty plate, unable to contain the rage bubbling inside of you. 

"It was so funny," she began, "Gareth kept missing it, but..."

Your patience reached its limit, and you couldn't help but interject. "When was that?" Your voice tinged with an edge, cut through the chatter at the table.

Multiple heads were quick to turn to you, and Chrissy probably had no clue what you were up to.  Maybe this was a low blow, maybe you shouldn’t tell in front of everyone.

“We were pretty drunk, I don’t remember-” She said meekly, but you interrupted, again.

“I was at that party too, but I must have missed that!” You continued, your words sharp and calculated. And feigning a faux sense of intrigue. Maybe it was cruel, but this was the perfect setup, and Chrissy was falling right into your trap. 

Before she could respond, you pressed on, your tone dripping with sarcasm. “oooh! Was that before or after you tried to hook up with my ex-boyfriend?” Your words hung heavy in the air, the whole table quick to fall silent. 

Almost all eyes except Chrissy turned to you, Robin almost choked on the strong drink Steve made for her. Gareth, Jeff, and Nathan all stopped their inner chatter, while Jonathan and Nancy’s eyes widened in unison.

As the tension continued to mount, Jonathan quickly turned to Nancy, leaning towards her, “Should I do something-” He whispered to Nancy, who didn’t dare to move, watching everything unravel before her. 

“Don’t you dare,” she warned, “she deserves this confrontation. And, I am tired of Eddie pestering us about this; he deserves to know.” Nancy shrugged, Jonathan reluctantly raised his hands in agreement, almost like he was surrendering to her reasonings. 

Chrissy stood there, her voice caught in her throat, mouth agape, unable to utter a coherent response. She was frozen, eyes wide with shock, while her fingers nervously fumbled with the napkin on the table, struggling to find the words to defend herself.

You reacted with a bitter, mocking disbelief, shaking your head slowly. “Shit, or was it after you blamed me for what Billy did to me? You know, making fun of my bruises and stuff?”

“What?” Eddie’s face scrunched in disgust, his eyes flickering to Chrissy, who seemed to shrink under the weight of what she did. Jonathan and Nancy watched with their mouth almost hanging open. Robin had a smug smile on her face, she bit her lip in excitement while watching everything unfold. It was like all of them had been waiting for this confrontation. 

Poor Jeff, Gareth, and Nathan just watched with a confused look, not knowing anything about the deep history between the three of you. 

Chrissy stammered, her cheeks flushing with embarrassment, but once again you didn’t let her. “No, no, wait!” You were relentless, sarcasm cutting through your tone as you playfully hit your forehead in a mocking gesture. “I think it was after you made fun of my parents leaving me, what did you say they were?” You mocked a pensive expression, a dangerous glint in your eyes, “Junkies?” Your gaze narrowed, Chrissy’s stammering continued, and she turned to Eddie desperately, while her vision was getting blurry. 

The room had grown oppressively tense, no one dared to speak, Robin, Jonathan, and Nancy all wore disgusted faces, along with the surprise of you laying everything out on the table, literally. Jeff and Gareth silently oofed, even though they didn’t know anything, they knew that what Chrissy did was fucked up. 

Eddie struggled to process it, your words, the realization that Chrissy had done something worse other than trying to hook up with Billy was hard to sink into his skin.  “What the fuck are you talking about?” He repeated, his entire world almost shattering dramatically.

“Oh, didn’t your sweet, sweet Chrissy mention all that?” You weren’t holding back, every bitterness, every ugliness, you were ready to spit it all at him and Chrissy.  

And you wished it would give you satisfaction, you wished it would make you feel better.

But it didn’t. None of it felt good, none of it filled the void inside of you. None of it helped you get over the betrayal that unfolded right between your eyes. 

None of it helped you get over the cruel look Chrissy gave you when she made fun of your traumas, none of it helped you get over the fact that Eddie told you that you ruined his life, and none of it helped the way your lip trembled when you saw the two of them kiss. 

“Okay, I’ve got the syrup!” Steve chimed in, unaware of everything that had just transpired in the room, his brows furrowed when he noticed the tension, every eye on the table turned to him, except for you, Chrissy, and Eddie. 

Chrissy's desperate gaze fixed on Eddie, pleading for some form of understanding or forgiveness, but his gaze remained unwaveringly locked on you, filled with guilt. Your own eyes were cast downward, remaining on your lap, while you tried hard to fight back the tears. 

Because no matter what, Chrissy betrayed your trust, you trusted her enough to tell her what Billy did to you, and instead of getting help, she tried to kiss him, or actually did kiss him, you never found out the truth—both of them told you a different version of the story. 

She made fun of your parents leaving you. She blamed you for the things Billy did. Like it meant nothing to her. Like you meant nothing to her. 

“Did I just interrupt something-” Steve was quickly hushed by Robin, who pulled him to his seat quickly. “Pinky is confronting Chrissy!” 

“What? Now?” He whisper-yelled, putting down the syrup jar on the table, eyeing the tension between the three of you. Robin nodded, “Eddie’s trying to process all of it, and Chrissy looks like she’s about to burst into tears,” she added. 

“He didn’t know?” Steve’s brows furrowed, “Nuh-uh, don’t you remember how P made us all promise not to tell anyone? You know how she is with her personal stuff,” the two of them whispered back and forth, earning a glare from Nancy that shut both of them up. 

Eddie’s expressions were unreadable, mixed with every possible emotion as he drew a deep breath in a feeble attempt to make sense of everything. “W-what exactly happened?” With uncertainty in his eyes, he faced you, he wanted to know everything. But you didn’t dare to look at him, crossing your arms defensively against your chest—you were in no way ready to tell him anything. 

“I-I wanted to apologize to you, and I wanted to..” Chrissy’s voice trembled, she seemed apologetic, eyes glistening with guilt, but it truly meant nothing to you.

“Shit, you really don’t fucking get it, do you?” You couldn’t help but click your tongue in annoyance, hand on your forehead in disbelief. “This isn’t about your stupid apology.” 

“You knew them, Chrissy,” you continued, your voice quivering with raw emotion, “you were there with me when they left, you fucking comforted me when I cried…” All of it felt too raw for you, your chest tightening the more you remembered it all, “and then you used it as a punch line for a stupid joke, to hurt me.” 

You took a deep breath in an attempt to continue, your heart tightening the more you spoke. “You knew what Billy did to me, you saw the bruises, and you acted like none of that mattered when you kissed him!” 

“I d-didn’t—it was a misunderstanding!” She tried to defend herself, but you didn’t care. 

You were quick to get up from your seat, feeling suffocated. “God, i-it really hurt, it did.” you confessed, your voice trembling as you blinked away the tears. “But it doesn’t anymore because you were dead to me the second you uttered those words.” Your lips trembled.

“And you,” with a tone filled with bitterness, you finally turned to Eddie, really looking at him for the first time. His eyes were filled with regret, brows scrunched up together with guilt. Your hand pointed toward him accusingly, “fucking date her for all I care, you two deserve each other.” 

You stormed off to the backyard quickly, not being able to hold back the tears anymore. Eddie got up the second you did, pleading for your name. The room fell silent again, and just as he was about to chase you, Steve was quick to rise to his feet, intervening with a grab of Eddie’s arm. 

“Give her some time,” Steve’s harsh hold on Eddie’s arm had everyone eyeing them.

“Excuse me?” Eddie retorted, his gaze dangerously fiery. 

“She needs some time, Eddie.” 

“Fuck off,” Eddie warned, gaze dropping to the hold that Steve had on him, his anger simmering just below the surface.

“Man, I’m trying to be helpful right now, you’re the last person she wants to fucking see,” Steve spat, gaze narrowing as he looked at him with disgust. 

That was the breaking point for Eddie, he took a step closer, his anger ready to spill over to Steve, which wasn’t fair, but it had been building up the second he saw how close the two of you were. The smiles you threw at him. The compliments. It was stupid and so unlike him, but with everything, he couldn’t afford to lose you, not again.

And it looked like he just did. 

“That’s not any of your fuckin’ business, Harrington-”

Before the situation could escalate further, Jonathan intervened, stepping between the two of them. “Alright, alright!” he gently defused the tension. “Steve, Rob, go see if she’s okay,” He demanded, the two of them looking at him dumbfoundedly, “Go!” he exclaimed, and Robin was quick to rise from her seat, dragging Steve away from Eddie who was still throwing daggers with his looks toward Steve.

“And Eddie, I need to talk to you for a second.” Jonathan caught Eddie’s attention and tugged at his jacket to the side while Nancy quickly excused herself from the awkward table before the three of them huddled in the corner. 

Eddie was quick to shake off the hold Jonathan had on him, his anger still uncontained. “What?” His voice was raised. 

“You need to calm the fuck down,” Jonathan warned. 

“Why didn’t you guys-” He took a deep breath. “How could you guys not fuckin’ tell me?” His voice was desperate. 

“She told us not to!” Nancy added. “God, I’m such a fuckin’ idiot.” He exasperated.

Jonathan agreed with a nod, “That, you are.” Earning a glare from Eddie, he continued, “I’m sorry dude, but it’s true, you shouldn’t have paraded her around in front of Pinky.” 

“How was I supposed to know?!?”

“You weren’t,” Nancy sighed, “but you knew what happened with Billy, and that should’ve been enough, Eddie.”

Eddie shook his head to disagree, his disheveled hair hung over his forehead, barely covering his pained eyes. “If I knew, if I fucking knew for a second that s-she made fun of, shit-” His voice cracked, struggling to find the right words. The vivid recollections of your pain etched lines of hurt across his face. “God, I saw how much her parents leaving crushed her, Nance. I was there, I comforted her.” Nancy could sense the hurt in his voice. 

“Every time she came over to a Munson dinner, every time Wayne told her she was family, every time Wayne did somethin’ for her... I-I could just see how much she appreciated it. Wayne, and me…” 

His voice continued to tremble, and tears welled up in his eyes. “And I saw those goddamn bruises that fucking asshole left, s-she was shaking, Jon- I-I knew how hard it was for her, if I…”  He took a shuddering breath, voice still shaky, and gaze glistening with unshed tears.

His hands moved in agitation, desperate to defend himself and express his guilt. “If I… If I knew for one goddamn second that she made fun of that, I w-would’ve never!” He punctuated his words desperately, hands rubbing against his face in disbelief.

“I know, I know,” Nancy reassured with a soothing voice, both she and Jonathan reached out to rub his back comfortingly. “I think she’s just upset right now, Ed.” Jonathan spoke up.

“I mean can you really blame her? I know you didn’t know anything, but the moment she came back to the town, the first thing she saw was you and Chrissy kissing… it was probably a tough pill for her to swallow.” Nancy mumbled.

Jonathan was quick to add with a soft-spoken plea, “Give her some time, and then you can apologize, okay?” He nodded, trying to take all of the information he acquired in the last five minutes

“I also think you have someone else you need to talk to,” Jonathan whispered, gaze pointing toward Chrissy who had been itching to speak to him, her gaze repeatedly flickering in their direction.

And once Chrissy realized Eddie looking back at her, she was quick to get up from her seat, shoulders slumped as she approached him. She eyed the way Nancy and Jonathan gave Eddie a slight smile and a nudge on his shoulder before they left. 

Her eyes were glossy, face red. “C-can I talk to you?” She stammered.

“Y-yeah,” he conceded, a hint of uncertainty in his voice, not able to help himself when his head turned toward the sliding door, wanting to get a glimpse of you but blocked by the figure of Steve.

“I-I should’ve told you what I did.” Chrissy sighed, swallowing the lump in her throat as she took a deep breath.

“I-I’m sorry. I just…” She recollected her thoughts, “you were like the only one who didn’t know and it just… It felt nice to hang out with someone who didn’t shun me out.”

“Steve, Nancy, Jonathan… even Robin, the second they learned what I said, they didn’t even look me in the face!” Her voice cracked.

“And I know I probably deserved that but that was so long ago and I…” Her gaze fell toward the floor, she felt embarrassed, she should’ve never done that to you, and she did have her reasons, but she also knew none of them would ever justify what she said. 

“I was just miserable and bitter and P-pinky didn’t deserve any of that. I know that but…” Her head snapped up, her tearful eyes locking with Eddie’s, “I really had fun with you these past couple of days and…”

Eddie was quick to interrupt her, shaking his head, “Chrissy…” He sighed, fingers rubbing his temples in an attempt to comfort himself, it was too much, everything was too much.

And he didn’t want to be here, he didn’t want to talk to her, he didn’t want some pep talk from Jonathan and Nancy, he only wanted you.

He wanted to tell you how sorry he was, and how much of an idiot he was. Even though he didn’t know anything. But he should’ve known better. He should have.

And he felt the guilt gnawing at him, consuming him from the inside.

“I really felt like we had something-” Eddie was quick to dismiss her.

“Chrissy, I’m sorry I should have never done this, I-I’m such a fucking coward.”

“W-what?” Chrissy asked, her voice breaking again, tears brimming in her eyes. “I should’ve known,” she sighed, shutting her eyes briefly to avoid the tears.

Eddie let out a confused hum. “I-I mean I kind of did, I saw the way you looked at her, the way your eyes lit up unintentionally whenever someone mentioned her. The smile you had when she talked to you… You were never ever like that with me, not even for a second.”

It took Eddie a few seconds to process that, he knew he should’ve never done anything with Chrissy, he never should’ve tried to defend her to you, he should’ve listened to you. He was an idiot. 

Chrissy was right. It was you. It had always been you. 

“I didn’t- I didn’t fuckin’ mean to but I think like back in my mind, I did all of this to make myself feel better because I knew she might be coming back and I just wanted to make myself feel like I got over her. I-I know that’s incredibly shitty and I’m sorry-” 

“So you just used me?” She spat, feeling like a pawn in a game she did not want to be a part of.

“N-no! That’s not what I tried to do! I just… I just, I’m sorry that it came off that way… I thought I could you know… do this,” he mumbled, pointing toward the space between them.

“I can’t and I never should have tried.”

“What the hell does that even mean?” He could see Chrissy’s hurt turn quickly to anger, and maybe five minutes ago, when he didn’t know what she did to you, he would’ve apologized for being a dick, and for doing something as stupid as this. But he couldn’t be apologetic to her, not anymore.

“I-it means it’s always been her, and it’s always going to be her, Chrissy,” Eddie admitted, something that he should’ve realized a long time ago, and Chrissy wanted to laugh at that.

Of course, it was going to be you, it was always you. 

Billy, and now Eddie. No matter what she did, she could never compete with you. You didn’t even have to do anything and they would devote their whole fucking life to you. 

And it pissed her off, made her bitter. Which wasn’t fair, which didn’t make what she ever did or said okay. But her mind justified it. Fueled her to say those things to you. 

Eddie, struggling to process Chrissy's words, stammered in disbelief, “I can’t even look at you after what she told me. How could you be so cruel?” The way he viewed Chrissy changed in a matter of seconds, disgust overtaking his senses. 

But Chrissy found that amusing. She chuckled bitterly, shaking her head. “Me?” She pointed an accusatory finger at him, “You just admitted that you basically used me. Jesus Christ, you’re an asshole.”

“And I’m really sorry about that,” he said, his voice filled with sincerity, “that isn’t what I intended to-“

Chrissy, still seething with anger and disappointment, didn't give him a chance to finish. “Save it.” She rolled her eyes, hand defensively pointing toward him.

Gareth, Jeff, and Nathan suddenly appeared, intruding awkwardly into the already strained atmosphere between the two of them. Gareth was the first to speak up, attempting to break the tension. He cleared his throat and said, “Uhhh- hey man, we’re gonna take off.”

“You comin’?” Jeff inquired, standing beside Gareth.

 “Uhhh, no? I need to talk to her.” Eddie replied firmly.

“Seriously? You’re still running after her?” Gareth bit back, Jeff tried to elbow him to shut him up but it was no use.

“I’ll see you guys tonight.” He said through gritted teeth, not in the mood to deal with Gareth’s hatred for you.

“Chrissy, you comin’?” Gareth was quick to turn to her, and she nodded quickly, before throwing a harsh look at Eddie.

“Jerk,” she mumbled under her breath, leaving off with them.

“I did deserve that.” Eddie sighed, mumbling to himself before he finally decided to meet all of you in the backyard.

-

You leaned back on your seat, eyes still glossy but you looked happier, a giggle leaving your lips at something Steve said. 

And it hurt Eddie to see that, it hurt because your teary eyes were all because of him, and you were giggling only because of Steve.

It wasn’t like this before, he was the one who always made you happy, he never made you cry, he never uttered horrible words to you like he did yesterday. 

Was it all doomed? 

Did the chance for the two of you pass by and both of you were too much of an idiot to realize it? Did he manage to fuck everything up with just barely two days? 

Your laughter died down the second your gaze met his, breath getting hitched in your throat. He looked guilty, those shaggy bangs falling messily on his forehead, hand stuffed into the back of his black jeans.  Walking over to you with such shyness that your gaze softened, you didn’t want to be like this with him. It was never like this before. 

But it hurt so much that you could feel your chest swell with the pain. His words, Chrissy… you couldn’t pretend like none of it happened anymore. 

“Can we talk?” 

“Dude, I just told you-” Steve was quick to interject, and it brought warmth in your stomach, the feeling nicely seeping into your skin, knowing that your friends truly cared about you, and how much they would do to protect you. 

They had done it with Chrissy, you never asked them to do anything, but the second you told any of them what happened, they didn’t even throw her a second glance when they ran into her ever again in this damned town. 

And it meant so much, knowing that there were people you could count on, a sense of protectiveness and security that your parents never provided for you. But you liked that, you liked having them, an untraditional way of family, but your family regardless. 

“Harrington, will you fuckin’-”

You interrupted both of their stupid dick-measuring competition with a sigh, “It’s okay, Steve,” you murmured, throwing him a smile before squeezing his arm gently. “We do need to talk,” you nodded off toward Eddie, dragging him off to the other side gently, away from all of them.

“Look, fuck- I’m so sorry, okay?” He started, his voice apologetic.

“Eddie, please-”

“No, no, let me talk, please,” he breathed out, desperate, his gaze mirroring yours, fingers brushing on your arms, gentle, pleading. 

“I’m sorry, I’m a fucking idiot, I’m the biggest fucking idiot in the whole world.”

“Y-you never ruined my life, okay? You could never, even if you tried your hardest. Even if you did the worst possible thing to me. I could never see you like that. I could never see the worst of you.”

“I-I shouldn’t have done what I did, I shouldn’t have brought her everywhere, and I shouldn’t have tried to defend her to you.”

“E-eddie, stop” you gulped, interrupting him, “You-you’re confusing the fuck out of me… You tell me I ruined your life, and then I read those stupid notes-”

“You read them?” Eddie’s brows raised in surprise, an idiotic grin curling on his lips.

“Of course I did.” You muttered, avoiding his gaze.

“But you said-” 

“I wanted to piss you off,” you admitted with a meek voice. 

“And what did you think?” He asked, hopeful, still feeling nervous with the way you were so calm, he knew nothing good was gonna come out of this. 

“That I-I can’t do this.” 

“I mean, the song is really great…” You muttered, and you wanted to mention the other note, how much it crushed you and how much you wished it could change anything, but you couldn’t handle it anymore. You couldn’t handle seeing him, you couldn’t handle anything about Eddie. You needed some time apart. 

“And I’m glad you realized you fucked up but I… I’m just so tired,” you sighed, licking your lips to get some sort of encouragement to say the things that you were about to say. 

“I-I can’t do this back and forth with you anymore,” you huffed. 

“I mean just look at us! I’ve been here for almost two days and look how many times we fought and then pretended like nothing happened! T-this isn’t how we used to be,” you bit on your lip, tasting the bitter taste of metallic blood, just so the tears wouldn’t spill. 

“I know…” he muttered, “but why didn’t you just tell me? Then… and even now?”

“I-I was embarrassed,” you muttered shyly. His brows scrunched, embarrassed? why would you be embarrassed for the shitty things she did?

“Why would you be embarrassed?” He asked.

“Because it was true, Eddie,” you blinked away the tears, settling with that uncomfortable feeling.

“What are you talking about, what she did was fuckin’ cruel, and if I knew-”

“N-no, it was true.” You huffed. “Deadbeat parents and an abusive ex-boyfriend… like how cliche could I fucking get?” You wanted to laugh bitterly.

“I-I’m a mess and she’s right… And so were you! It was such a gut punch when you said it to me, but you were right.” Your lip was wobbling, eyes squinted. “I-I ruined your life and-”

“No, don’t fucking say that-”

“But it is true!” You exclaimed with a sad expression, “I ruined your life and I-I should’ve never tried to re-enter it, and I should’ve left you alone.”

“I-I’m sorry, for everything, for LA, I could say that as many times as you need me to…” you sighed. “but I promise you don’t have to worry about me anymore.”

“W-what?” He stuttered, still struggling to process your words.

“I told you Eddie, I don’t want to do this. As we said, we don’t have to talk to each other this weekend, and afterward, I’ll be gone.” 

“You won’t ever hear from me or see me again.” 

“But that is not what I want!” Eddie exclaimed, desperate, he didn’t want to lose you, and he was going to. There was nothing he could do to stop it. 

He already lost you once, and maybe he could blame you for that, but this one. It was all him. 

He tried to reach for your arm, to touch you again, to feel the warmth he felt a night ago like everything would be just as it was five years ago. But you were quick to take a step back away from him. 

“But it’s what I want.” You tried to speak calmly, your cracking voice fast to fail you. 

“W-what about the album cover?” 

With a touch of bitterness in your tone, you retorted, “I’m sure you can find someone much better than me.”

“C’mon, Pinky, you can’t be serious, that’s like a once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing-”

“I’d rather be stuck at the record store for the rest of my life,” you muttered bitterly, words cutting through him. You could see how much they were hurting him, but there was no other way, you had to protect your own feelings. 

Staying away from Eddie was the only thing you could do to stop hurting yourself and everyone else. You had already caused enough problems for everyone in the room. 

Eddie's voice turned somber as he uttered, “So, this is it?” A sense of defeat washed over him.

“We’ve been doing it for the past five years, why should it change now?”

Because I want you. 

Because I haven’t been able to do that for the past five years either. 

Because I could never stay away from you. 

Because it has always been you, from the moment we met. 

Because I love you. Always have, always will.

Was what he should’ve said, some grand speech, something to sweep you off your feet, something to change your mind. Anything. So he wouldn’t lose you again, so you could finally realize how much he cared about you, how much he would always care about you.

But nothing came out of his trembling lips, not even a sound.

He stood there, feeling as if time froze around him. Like he was stuck, everything around him moved, but he didn’t, he couldn’t.

He watched you go back to Steve. Steve comfortably threw an arm around your shoulder and let you know that you could stay here with him and that he would drive you to The Hideout tonight.

And it should have been him. Him, who offered to take you to his place. Him, you spent the rest of your day with.

Him, who you ran off to whenever you felt sad or when your heart was broken. He couldn’t accept that he was no longer the one you ran to, but the one who caused all of it. 

✦ final authors note — OKAY. so please let me know if u want flashbacks in the next chapter bc thats what i had in mind but idk how yall feel abt flashbacks but i swear they will reveal A LOT LMAO.

also please interact/reblog/like or give me any feedback to support me ily &lt;3

permanent taglist (lmk if u want to be added): @mandyjo8719 @kellsck @batkin028 @hideoutside @sashaphantomhive @nabiiturner @andvys (ILY.) @siriuslysmoking @plk-18 @emxxblog @babyloutattoo89 @micheledawn1975 @sole-screws @joannamuns9n @trixyvixx @fangirling-4-ever @browneyes528

[foolondahill17]

My top 10 fic picks from 2022

(all updated or completed in 2022, in no particular order)

This was the year of devouring content from new favorite authors. Special shoutout to @outdean and @urne-buriall . Right Where you Left Me and spirit of the west are on track to becoming new fandom classics, methinks. 

1. Right Where You Left Me by outdean (@outdean), 93,581 words, E, destiel, canonverse

 Cas comes back from the empty 10 years after his death, only to find Dean married (to a man! gasp!). Heartache ensues, but not without a heartwarming end. Warning for (spoilers!) infidelity and emotional abuse from a spouse. Last year's serial fic of Tumblr was Cheapest Room in the House, and this year's was no less beautiful and engaging. What I especially loved about this fic was the sense of community and excitement it spurred in the fandom. It was so fun logging into tumblr after every update for collective squee and memes. What's also particularly praiseworthy about this story is outdean's sense of character. Not only are Dean and Cas authentic and oh-so tangible, but so are the other cast of characters: Jack is especially endearing, but also convincingly adult and complicated. And Dean's husband, although delicious to hate, is also a little difficult to hate, too. At its heart, RWYLM is an unerringly human tale, zits and all. 

2. spirit of the west by teen_dean (@urne-buriall), 140,680 words, M, destiel, AU 

Beautifully atmospheric, at times brutal, at times gentle - this 1990's horsegirl!Dean fic is one for the ages. Dean is 18 and lonely on his father's horse farm - that is until his childhood friend, Cas, returns to town, and they quickly fall into the kind of intimacy that's titillating, tantalizing, and terrifying all at once. TW for strong themes of domestic abuse and PTSD, also homophobia and animal death. The prose is charming and lyrical. The characters are lively and full. It's the kind of writing that's so detailed and visual, you feel like a participant in the story, not just a spectator. Despite the darkness and fear in Dean's life, with Cas by his side (and a host of other lovable characters), he grows to accept love from others and for himself. This is more than a coming-of-age novel. It's also a story about hope: in the face of cruelty, there will also be unfailing kindness. 

3. so much smoke in the hall of mirrors by AreYouReady (@autisticandroids), 6,232 words, E, pre-destiel/one-sided destiel, canonverse

 Dark. Dark. Dark. But also disturbing and alluring in the best possible ways. It's season 6, and Cas is lured steadily further from the light by Crowley and the pressures of the Angelic civil war. To blow off some steam, he creates a Dean sex-doll out of living flesh. Warnings are well-listed in the tags, but include non-con voyeurism, dehumanization, and torture. Although the premise is bleak, this fic is a fascinating and believable dive into Cas's characterization pre-godhood powertrip. Well worth the read if you don't mind a little moral ambiguity with your morning wheaties. 

4. Dateverse by aeli_kindara (@gravelghosts​), 47,057 words, 3 works, E, destiel, canonverse

After the Mrs. Butters business, Dean asks Cas on a date. Warnings for typical Dean bad headspace, but there's plenty of fluff to soothe our (and Dean's) ills. aeli_kindara is an author whose careful writing perfectly suits Dean's caution as he pursues Cas and navigates a relationship within their emotional pitfalls and chaotic surroundings. What I especially admire about her writing is her use of motifs: photographs in the first story, memories in the second, and sunsets in the last. The third installment is waylaid by the events of the final few episodes of the series, but the fic seamlessly blends canon and fresh events into a believable and satisfying happy ending. Also, Dean goes to therapy! What's not to love? 

5. where black stars rise by teen_dean, (@urne-buriall), 27,770 words, T, destiel, canonverse

This case fic carves through the grand, sweeping mysteries of the universe like the Sidewinder Canyon through the desert. No specific warnings other than that very distinct, unnerving state of mind you enter while driving alone at night, darkness and pin-prick stars above you, and it feels like you're nothing but an infinitesimal speck of dust on the cusp of eternity.... Anyway, this fic follows Dean and Cas on the trail of several missing persons on a canyon trail in Arizona, unobtrusive until time and space, itself, unravels at the seams. Teen_dean plays with words and the cosmos like Play-Doh, molding an ethereal, enthralling story that rocketed up to one of my favorite fics of all time. 

6. iconography by foccacciabread (couldn’t find a tumblr), 3,578 words, G, Mary and Dean centric, canonverse

A simple enough premise: Mary finds old photographs of herself on Facebook. Cue family heartache, the punishment of lost time, and navigating old wounds. How to be a son when your mother isn't who you thought she was? How to be a mother when your child is dead but somehow still alive, but so, so changed? No warnings, but heavy angst. 

7. Dont Stop, Make It Pop by dumbassnatural (@dumbassnatural), 34,661 words, WIP, T, destiel, canonverse

Cas accidentally becomes a tik tok sensation, and Jack uses his technological and business savvy to make his dad a star. Both parts sweet and earnest, this story starts with a silly premise and takes it to surprisingly heartwarming places. No warnings other than the fact this is a WIP that hasn’t been updated since January, but it does leave off in a place that isn’t hard to extrapolate what might comes next. 

8. in present tenses by focacciabread, 31,463 words, E, destiel, canonverse

After getting Cas back from the Empty, Dean decides the smartest move to guarantee Cas doesn’t ever leave him again is to just start sleeping with him. It’s what Cas wants, right? And it won’t do any further psychic damage to Dean, right? Right? Surely it will not have any negative effects whatsoever on their relationship. Warnings for bad Dean headspace throughout. There are a couple fics with this premise floating about, but I was especially drawn to focacciabread’s evocative writing and convincing Dean internal monologue. We love a messy boy. 

9. AITA for disapproving of my brother's high sex drive? by birdsofthesoul (couldn’t find a tumblr) and PlaidIsTheBestPattern (@cacophony-of-notions), 3,907 words, T, implied destiel, canonverse

This one also made its rounds on Tumblr, so you’ve probably already read it, but it’s an absolutely delightful, only partially serious take in Dean and Sam’s Reddit Rivalry and that particular brand of moralizing found in online spaces. It does what all the best “crack taken seriously” fics do, which is gives us an amusing premise but never deviates from the voices of these characters we know so well. Very mild warning for homophobia. Also be sure to read the rest of the AITA series.

10. peace came upon me (and it leave me weak) by outdean (@outdean), 73,773 words, E, destiel, canonverse

After Cas gets taken to the empty, Dean gets sober. Cas comes back a year later. Problems ensue. This one deals seriously and carefully with addiction and alcoholism, especially heavy mistakes done under the influence. Dean has a lot of growing to do and a lot to atone for, and he isn’t let off the hook easy. Cas has his own journey as he learns to forgive Dean for passed mistakes and navigate a future life with the man he’s in love with. It’s not an easy path, and it’s not an easy story to read, but it’s well worth it. Outdean navigates serious issues with finesse and delicacy that’s wonderful to observe. 

Honorable mention: 

Pater by TaraxcumWine, (couldn’t find a tumblr),  184,366 words, E, destiel, AU

I recced this as a WIP last year, but it finished posting early in 2022. I didn’t want it to take up a spot again, but I can't help but mention it. It’s a thoughtful, intricate, and beautiful look in Dean and Cas’s relationship from their first meeting to present day. It deals with heavy themes of child abuse, past non-con, mental health issues, homophobia, etc. so tread carefully. This is especially recommended for those who liked spirit of the west or my own silver linings series, as it deals with similar themes. It’s very well worth the read despite the hefty length. 

[abibliophobiaa]

today is finish hopeless by elsie silver day (if you love cowboys and romance, please read the chestnut springs series so we can gush over them together), taylor movie day, rwylm chapter two plotting day, and maybe a writing day? 😌

what are you all up to? 🩷

[tolerateit]

Jen's Favorite Edits: April & May 2023

These are some of my favorite works of art that I've seen creators post. I'll continue this series each month. Thank you for creating and please, please keep doing so! Tag me #tsuserjen

Taylor Swift Haunted graphic by @ourstaturestouchtheskies

Taylor Swift Dear Reader graphic by @hits-differently

Gracie Abrams Eras Tour Gifset by @ishouldhateyou

Fall Out Boy Hold Me Tight Or Don't Graphic by @fobcreators (Este<3)

Taylor Swift Eras Tour Nashville Night 3 Poster by @cruellesummer

Taylor Swift Lover Graphic by @comingeasily

Swiftie OP Banners by @sweetrevelation

Speak Now Side-by-Side Edit by @trinasleeps

Taylor Swift Performing Mine Eras Tour Gifset by Lizzie <3

Taylor Swift Long Live Graphic by @anctherdayofsun

Taylor Swift Eras Tour Gif (Folklore Set) by @breakableheavens

Taylor Swift Eras Themed Midnights Poster by @charttheconstellations

Taylor Swift Eras Tour Folklore Green Dress Lockscreens by @margaetyrell

Taylor Swift Speak Now (Taylor's Version) Long Live Graphic by @thehoax

Taylor Swift Eras Tour Evermore Set Gifset by @missegyptiana

Taylor Swift Eras Tour Nashville Night 3 Gifset by @youweremycrown

Taylor Swift Eras Tour Miss Americana Graphic by @sheiscoming

Taylor Swift The Alcott/RWYLM Gifset by @stood-onthecliffside

Taylor Swift Would've Could've Should've Graphic by @shirleykeelder Taylor Swift Speak Now (Taylor's Version) Sparks Fly Gif by @nicholasnelsons

Taylor Swift Speak Now (Taylor's Version) Gifset by @rogerhealey

Taylor Swift Eras As Discord Profiles Gifset by @vaultracks

Taylor Swift Speak Now (Taylor's Version) Gifset by @paintedtaygolden

Taylor Swift Eras Tour Gifset by @tayloralison

Taylor Swift Eras Tour Folklore Green Dress Gifset by @inbrooklyn

Fall Out Boy Don't You Know Who I Think I Am? Graphic by @emails-i-cant-send

Taylor Swift Eras Tour My Tears Ricochet Graphic by @shirleykeelder

Taylor Swift Eras Tour Lover Set Graphic by @katistry

Taylor Swift Karma MV Outfits Gifset by @aslowmotionlovepotion

Taylor Swift Karma MV Gifset by @staybeautiful

[separatist-apologist]

Can I just say that I’ve never seen anyone write Gwynriel the way that you do? It’s always Gwyn being terrified to be touched even in a platonic way by men and never that she wants it? And it’s never her being angry about what happened with Hyberns soldiers, always just her being sad and devastated-

Also- it’s always with Az walking on eggshells so he doesn’t scare her or make her uncomfortable.

and I’m not trying to say that I haven’t read great Gwynriel fics before yours, because I have- but you just seem to capture that grief isn’t always just being sad and scared. It’s also anger and frustration and self loathing.

I’ve always loved Gwynriel/Gwynriel fics but LIBTM!Gwyn is one that’s more relatable to me. I feel like she would lay with me in the rain and scream at the skies for all the awful things that have happened and that just means so much to me

Thank you for making me feel seen and heard through this series 🩵

I know I'm such a Taylor cliche but like:

I can go anywhere I want, just not home

And

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace/ and so the battleships will sink beneath the waves

And

You're a crisis of my faith

And

I miss who I used to be/ the tomb won't close/ stained glass windows in my mind

And

I looked around in a blood soaked gown and saw something they can't take away

And

Long story short I survived

And not to be overly personal but I just think about how I dealt with it, too. I was just angry for a long, long time and that rage bled into everything. Like I could function but there were times when I wanted to scream and rage. There was no beauty to the suffering- it was exceptionally ugly and I think there's something to be said about like. Being allowed to feel that.

With distance and time and education ive realized it's not even uncommon. What was it all for, you know? And the answer is nothing. There's no grand purpose, no greater meaning and that was hard. Writing it all out in some ways is my own love letter to the girl I was at 16. Like now you can sift through it all and see how you came out, which I never thought I would. Guiding Gwyn through that feels good. I think I'm putting too much of my past selves in these fics at time but if her pain feels real to you, it was my pain first.

I didn't expect to find any of this when writing this fic. I just missed writing a canon compliant long fic and I felt like I'd done it all with elucien. Why not try my hand you know? People have been asking me to for years.

The response though- it means so much to me. I'm glad you feel seen, too. I used to say this with RWYLM but we were never alone, this club is not exclusive and still it felt like it was at times.

And we were never alone

[goddessofmischief]

as both a swiftie and a big op fan I find your fics to be a blessing!! what are your fave swift songs?? mine are would've could've should've and right where you left me 😁 if you ever wrote smth w these songs, I'd die

like imagine reader singing those about either mihawk or shanks,, that hurts damn but in a good way

my goal is to write a fic for my series for every TS song, so if you want to send each of those songs to my ask box so I don’t forget them, I’ll write a fic for them eventually !! (My fave TS songs are Hits Different, Is It Over Now, All too Well, Style, Blank Space and You’re on Your Own, Kid.)

and yes I can definitely see reader singing those about them… 'would’ve could’ve should’ve' is SO shanks (and now that I'm grown, I'm scared of ghosts/memories feel like weapons) and RWYLM is so mihawk !

[jovenshires]

Katie, I need you to know that the clamchowder mention in the culinary crimes video literally caused me war flashbacks to rwylm...

First Tommy gets a mullet, yesterday Shayne got overwhelmed by too much Taylor Swift and now this?!

Are you sure you're not a psychic? 🧐 Or at least got hit by Apollo's gift of prophecy somewhere down the line??

i have a confession: damien is no longer psychic. this is because he actually transmitted his gift to me so i could write silly fanfictions on the internet.

DDKFKFNKNFKNGGL /j of course wow thats so funny i didn't even THINK about the clam chowder but you're so right. ummmm if i am psychic im just gonna start saying things and hoping they might be visions given to me by god. long form spommy video. smosh taskmaster series. spencer on serving cunt. angela on two truths one lie. is any of this anything.

[meaningtotellyou]

people are speculating renegade this weekend because it’s Aaron dessners hometown and because “big red machine” is named after the Cincinnati reds who won the World Series in Aaron’s birth year… between that and people thinking rwylm is coming up bc he produced it + “I’ve been down since July” I may cry. My shows are like two weeks ago I’m begging her to hold on

what if i died .

[stay-curious]

Right Where You Left Me | Chapter 1

Series masterlist

Pairing: Natasha Romanoff x Fem!Reader | Actress!Natasha Romanoff x Singer!Reader

Summary: Your debut single puts you in the spotlight and one night you meet a redhead who will turn your world around. How will both of your jobs affect your relationship?

Warnings: fluff, alcohol, AU

A/N: For the purpose of this fic, please imagine every song title as written by the character. English is not my first language so there might be some errors.

Also, this is my first fic so any kind of feedback is appreciated <3

You’ve just scored your first music contract with a LA record label for an EP. Unfortunately, that means leaving what you consider your second home, Boston, where you went to college. The first place occupied by where you grew up and spent most of your life, Barcelona. It’s not the first time you’ve left everything behind to start again. Thus, it is no surprise that you do not really fear new beginnings. Quite the opposite, you’re driven and hard-working, so you will do whatever it takes to achieve your goals. 

You made your career debut with a single named ‘Happier than Ever’ that reaches the top 3 on the charts. Your name starts going around and soon a 23-year-old woman fresh out of college becomes a  promising singer. A month after you’ve settled in LA, you start a relationship with Ryder, a freelance artist who enjoys partying a bit too much. In the beginning, everything was fun and games but soon after, Ryder’s jealous and possessive side came to the surface and arguments turned into fights that ended with you having to pick her up completely wasted from one too many bars. On the bright side, you managed to get out of the relationship that got too toxic too fast and that was the inspiration behind your first EP.

Four months later, Y/N finds herself trying to calm her nerves before meeting Jimmy Fallon. But first, well-renowned actress Natasha Romanoff had to finish her interview with the host. Natasha Romanoff is a 27-year-old actress who made a name for herself in the industry owning to her wide range and innate talent. Born and raised in Ohio, she left her hometown to pursue her dream job. She’d stepped into a world where only her dedication and standing up for herself got her where she is nowadays. Her success has made her the most demanded actress of the year. Nevertheless, she hasn't managed to bring home any awards yet.

Once it’s her turn, Y/N makes her way to the mic and gets ready to perform her second single ‘Healing’. It’s her first time performing on a show and her biggest concern is living up to the expectations her first song created. Disappointing her fans was not in her plans. What’s unknown to her is that Natasha is attentively watching. She’s taken aback by her raspy voice accompanying the melody. Not only that but also her talent and apparent beauty.  A mesmerizing sight that surely would not leave her mind for days. 

When the show has ended, Natasha patiently waits for you in the dressing room, which to you is a surprise. Your eyes meet her face, a warm smile forming. Her green orbs captivate your attention. For a moment everything around you stops as they are the only thing you can focus on. You take her in, a black dress hugging her figure, gold earrings and an insane amount of piercings adorning her face. The redhead extends her hand and you shake it, your eyes never leaving hers. You wonder if she felt that pull, that instant attraction towards her too. You finally let go of her hand as a shy murmur leaves your mouth.

��Y/N, Y/N Y/LN, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” 

“The pleasure is all mine. I’m Natasha Romanoff.” 

You turn your head at the sound of your ringtone and make your way toward it giving Natasha an apologetic look. Your mother’s contact lights up the screen and you pick up without hesitation. Natasha steps out to give you some privacy. Soon after you’re saying goodbye before ending the call. 

“Sorry. It was my mom, I had to take it.”

“No worries. I came to say that you were amazing out there,” Her words make a blush appear on your cheeks and you try to hide it. 

“Well thank you. I really appreciate it.”

“And also, we were going to grab dinner and have some drinks so I was wondering if you want to join us.” You hesitate before answering. “If you want, of course, you don’t have to.”

“No, I mean, yes I would love to,” - You mentally curse yourself at the lack of composure. “When are we leaving?”

“Great. We leave in 15 min.” 

“Cool. Well, I need to get my stuff and I'll meet you out.” 

You watch as Natasha leaves without closing the dressing room door. Once you’ve collected your belongings you head over to where the actress and the rest of the crew are. You meet them with a smile and a wave. 

“So where are we going?”

“There’s a nice place called “Hurley’s” a couple of streets over. The food there is quite appetizing and if there's something they know is how to make the cocktails,” Jimmy answered enthusiastically. 

“Let’s get going!” Added Natasha. 

The group started strolling towards the bar while discussing different ideas about today’s program, the upcoming sketches, and interviews. Natasha joins some of the conversations but you manage only a nod here and there, keeping your interest but feeling a bit out of place. You enjoy the fresh air that hits your face and the laughter coming from the crew. In less than 10 minutes you arrive at the place and enter. You take a quick look around, the dimly lit restaurant draws your attention to the center of the room, where the bar is placed. There are a few tables to the right and some booths and sofas in a more secluded area to the left. The waiter guides you to a round table in the far right corner and you take a seat hoping to end up near the green-eyed girl. Unfortunately, she takes the last available seat, too far away for your taste.  

After everyone is done placing their orders, the conversation shifts to getting to know each other better. Soon, the food arrives, and god was Jimmy right, it tastes amazing. Time goes incredibly fast and you find yourself sitting on a stool at the bar ordering (Y/F/D). You were not very fond of sweet drinks so you stuck to your usual. You take a quick glance at your watch, noticing that it was only 11 PM so you decided to stay a bit longer. You feel someone taking a seat on the stool next to yours then you turn your head realizing it’s Natasha. 

“I feel like we have not talked much at dinner.” 

“Do I sense a bit of disappointment in your tone?” you said teasingly.

“Ha Ha. Very funny, but yes. I wanted to spend more time with you," she said, her voice a tone lower.

“You’re going to make me blush, really.”

“What if that’s what I want,” She said as she leaned closer 

“I’m sure you will get what you want,” You try to sound as sure as possible but fail completely under her stare. “So, what will you be drinking?” 

“I’ll have a Cosmopolitan.”

“A vodka girl. What else should I know about you?”

“I live in LA but at the moment I’m doing a press tour for my new movie,” you hum taking a sip from your glass. 

“Small world, isn’t it? I too live in LA, North Hills to be more exact but I moved 8 months ago here from Barcelona as you might have noticed because of the accent. ”

“Yeah, the accent kinda gave it away.” A small chuckle left her lips. 

“Are you coming back to LA or do you have to do more press?”

“Actually, today was the last day. My flight leaves in 2 days.” Romanoff answers as she takes the last sip of her drink. “What about you?” 

“I leave tomorrow, around 8 AM,” you motion to the bartender to get us two more drinks while you get your credit card to pay.  The redhead notices and puts her hand on your wrist to stop you. “I can pay mine. You don’t have to.” 

“I know. I want to tho. You can pay for the next round,” you wink at her and her hand falls to her thigh, sighing in defeat. 

After that, the conversation flows smoothly. Natasha seems to become more touchy although you don’t know if it’s because of the two drinks she’s already finished or if she feels more comfortable with you. At some point, her hand falls into your thigh and she gets closer, not sure if there is more space between you. You can’t seem to get enough of her, her voice, the way she throws her head back when she laughs, or the way she rests her chin on her hand when she listens attentively. You take another glance at your watch and realize it’s already 2 AM. How can time go by so fast? Most of the crew has already left but there are a few standing and it doesn’t look like they are going to turn in soon. You rest your hand on top of Natasha’s to catch her attention.

“I should head back to the hotel and get some sleep before the flight,” you say not wanting to leave.

There’s a long pause before she speaks. “Will I see you again?” She asks, a hint of hope in her words.  

A long sigh leaves your lips and your eyes meet hers. “I really hope so. I had a great time tonight.” She suddenly takes out her phone and hands it to you.

“Type in your number so I can invite you for the next round in LA.” You can’t help but chuckle at her response and you do as told. Then, you stand from the stool waiting for her next move. She gets the hint and does the same. It’s then that you acknowledge how close you’ve got over the night. You can feel her breath against your face, the slight smell of vodka filling your nose. “Are you taking an Uber to the hotel?”

“Yeah, it’ll be here in 10 min” You offer her your hand and motion to the door with your head. She gladly takes it. You exit the bar and you lean on the wall outside while she slides down a bit. A breeze passes by and you notice Natasha shaking. You put your arm around her shoulder and pull her closer. She looks up, her eyes flicker back and forth from your lips to your eyes. “God I really want to kiss you right now.” 

“What’s stopping you?” As soon as you reply she gently presses her lips to yours. A faint taste of cranberry invades your mouth. Never had you ever tasted such soft lips before. Your free hand reaches for her hip and you bring her closer. Natasha puts her right hand on your cheek and deepens the kiss. You pour all your energy into the kiss and only pull away when you both need to catch your breaths. You put your foreheads together and a chuckle of disbelief leaves your chest. Your phone dings with the notification that the driver is here. You give the redhead a last peck and make your way to the car.

 

“See you soon (Y/N).” She says right before you get into the car and you give her a smile.

Right before you fall asleep, your phone lights up. A text from an unknown number displayed on the screen

sweet dreams (Y/N)- Nat

A small smile forms on your face and you quickly send her a reply before finally drifting to sleep. 

night vodka girl ;)

[armandgender]

Watching the whale documentary because of rwylm and 10 min in I am already crying at an orca trying to feed a poor starving baby orca diver. Also narwhal castiel roams a 2h drive away from where i live and there is a not zero chance of seeing him when i go whale watching this summer ??? Feeling normal at the moment.

YESSS you’re watching it 🙌🙌🙌 that series is so good and like weirdly heartwarming. i am cascoded in that whales are everything to me

[loeyparker]

DUDE. RWYLM???,)£;£, THE BEST SERIES IVE EVER READ HOLY SHIT. I LOVE IT SO BAD I GENUINELT HAVE NO WORDS. ITS SO REALISTIC?? AND SO PAINFUL???; can i be added to the taglist?☹️

NOOO IM SCREAMING YOURE TOO KIND N SWEET N I LOVE U WTF!!! THANK U

[lonelyreputation]

Can u recommend me ur fav fics ever? recs dont need to be from one specific fandom

Ohhh favorite fics EVER?? Ohh that’s hard but ohhhhh sljdsf I have a whole #rec / #mat rec / #harry rec on my blog ! I’m currently on a Mat Barzal fic binge at the moment, so I’m still sorting out my favorites for him sldfjskf

Shawn Mendes 

Whole Master List - @neversaidiwasasaints  (It’s my Bible)

Cherry Farm - @5-seconds-of-mendes

Here Comes The Sun - @kerwritesthings

Hockey Shawn Series - @nike-shawn

Hockey Star Homecoming - @fallinallincurls

Mat (with one t) Barzal

Right Where You Left Me / pt. 2 - @hookingminor (just a side note––I’ve had RWYLM [the song] on repeat since reading this fic) ((I love this fic so much))

4 times his friends posted you on their instagram + 1 time he did - @hookingminor

You’re under the mistletoe so stop stalling and just kiss / Magic in the Hamptons - @miracleonice87

I’ll Be Home For Christmas - @shelbsatans

Harry Styles

Forever Hold Your Peace - @cheesewithchips

I have whole a lot of other Harry fics linked here!

[smellycinnamonthundahfudge]

Alison's Allusions & Alliterations (Pt. 1 - Lover's Links 💖💖💖)

yeah, i don't rlly follow taylor's or her associated pips' social or irl lives... but, i do pay attention and remember stuff and details when it comes to her music tho...

sooo, this is the start of the series imma make about the easter eggs or connections in her songs heheh 🤗🤗🤗

now without further ado, let's talk about Lover 💖

one thing that i noticed from seeing a post showing all of Taylor's albums, all 9 of em, is that after every 3 albums, the next one tends to be very specific to who she is.

so like, Taylor Swift (Debut), RED, and Lover.

personally, when i think of taylor, i do think about love, and idk i just think that when she kinda shakes up her image and music style after every 3 album eras, she tends to focus in on something that defines her. (which i just think is a pretty dope idea hahah)

and also (i know this next part might be reaching, but i stg if my suspicion winds up right...), i think she actually drops clues for them in the penultimate (second to last) song of the previous album.

the penultimate song for speak now, is last kiss.

and i mean, when we think of RED we think of the lipstick she wears right?

in the deluxe ed, i think the penultimate songs (one for the additional tracks, the other for the official tracklist) is if this was a movie and back to december

and both of those mention red things, taylor's heart for itwam and roses for btd

(and oh god yes i know reaching she probably might mention those all the time?? heart at least yeah (i'll get back to you on the roses once i review her entire discography again hahah) but istg there just might be a connection considering what the current last third album is and what the penultimate songs there are)

and the penultimate song for rep, is ciwyw, which yalls might now, is the one that has the line that mentions the word Lover.

"I'm laughing with my lover making forts under covers"

and so i bring this up because i think this could serve as a hint for what TS10 could be.

the penultimate song/s are closure and right where you left me.

both of which feature paper, letters, pages specifically.

the lyric/mv for closure featuring a sheet of paper

with the lyric "Yes, I got your letter" and the lyrics of rwylm having "Matches burn after the other Pages turn and stick to each other"

sooo considering that taylor's album eras revamp after every three albums is centered on who she is, (her debut, RED, and Lover), i think it's certainly possible for the next album to be about her as a writer, since that is very much a defining quality of hers, and that it might connect to paper imagery/motif

alright that's the first Lover related connection i couldn't stop thinking about since the possibility i might actually be right in my prediction is just too exciting to pass up hahah.

the next ones, i think, are actually more legit connecting threads/easter eggs (not to mention, i'm finally going to deal with the other part of the title i made and the one that inspired this whole series in the first place hahah) so here we goooo.

it actually starts in reputation, but, i think it's featured significantly in Lover AND in folklorevermore.. sooo

Call It What You Want

it has the lyric "I want to wear his initial on a chain round my neck"

i think the theory that the title connects to a certain person in taylor's life has credence because of that lyric, and the fact that this alliterative connection repeats throughout the next albums.

i mean, it's the only lyric in rep that brings to mind that person's name (as far as i remember lol). and the fact that it brings up the chain on her neck...

i just think that it should be paid attention to, so i think the title could be very significant, and that it does have something to do with the person's name... the lyrics hint at it significantly imo heh.

(plus chain,, call,,, both c?? significant?? just fun alliteration? hah)

(also, ciwyw's lyric/mv also contained some pretty personal footage of taylor's life, so... seems pretty significant/important imo...)

and ykno what i think would solidify the alliterative connection of the letter C in taylors works starting from ciwyw??

the next songs after it that feature C significantly are

Cruel Summer, Cornelia Street, Death By A Thousand Cuts, cardigan, champagne problems, no body, no crime, coney island, cowboy like me, closure

bangers, right?

hah no- i mean yeah it's true, but i just think they're significant songs.

Cruel Summer, cardigan, and champagne problems are all second songs in the tracklist (remember how ciwyw was the penultimate aka SECOND to last song in rep?)

dbatc, nbnc, and coney island (spoilers if you haven't listened hahah) all deal with death

and oh gosh wait Cornelia Street and coney island are also one of the few songs named after places taylor's written, and THEY BOTH START WITH C.

and also closure is the penultimate song like ciwyw

and idk, i guess... for cblm maybe there's some significance to the fact that the only actual (like, as in, confirmed written in the song) happy ending song in evermore has c in it... so idk...

and lastly, i just wanna bring up that in the lyric/mv of ciwyw

there's this footage

which takes me to that paper rings lyric

"I'm with you even if it makes me blue Which takes me back To the color that we painted your brother's wall"

and... uh... cowboy!taylor?!?!? 🥺🥺🥺🥺???

(and idk the first line in ciwyw also features c heavily, "my castle crumbled overnight. they took the crown but it's alright" and maybe the laughin with lover under covers?? honestly dk anymore hahah it was the word that rhymed with the next album eras revamp album title tho... hahah)

so... i think that's officially it for the lover/ciwyw related connections hahahah

the last lover related connection i realized on my own but idk if anyone's noticed already (but there's a good chance tbh) but i just wanted to keep a record of it for myself heh.

it has to do with its music videos heh

remember the whole after three albums, revamp starting with who she is, like defining traits of hers and stuff?

so like, there's just this connection to debut, red, and lover, i think..

and considering that debut is taylor's first album, and lover is her first OWNED album, so they're both firsts...

i think lover paralleling/referencing debut is significant heh

here are the ones i noticed heh:

oh godh, i know the pink phones are probably significant but... is the wall behind taylor in me being blue which is the color of the top she's wearing in that scene also significant??

i just... the color scheme between these two shots tho right??

but anw, the other references

taylor wearing long gowns that flow into surrounding effects in both her first albums heh...

(also does she just have usual go to poses or was she intentionally referencing how she acted in our song's mv? idfk anymore hahahah (yes, it took me a while to get these specific parallel shots help hahah))

and also i think the lover rooms are albums theory is top notch, but, i'd argue that the attic and the bathroom are interchangeably 1989 and rep, meaning, i think the bathroom can be rep and that 1989 can be the attic

rep heavily features blue, it being mentioned in delicate and gorgeous. dress has that line about spilling wine in the bathtub. and taylor and her lover swimming in the fishbowl could be considered them dancing with their hands tied... (heh.. 😏)

and i think of the attic as 1989 primarily because of the projector...

they were watching personally captured images/videos on it, weren't they??

and, remind me, what's the album cover of 1989 again??

a polaroid.

the room's almost like a polaroid what with the white blanket right in the middle of it flashing images, for crying out loud hahah.

i know i said that that's the last one, ... but i just remembered some more and am now officially too tired to scroll & look where i said that and edit sooo...

gah. here's some more.

my my my is primarily featured in mary's song (yet another connection bet debut & lover), but it also shows up in ciwyw and in 2 of lover's songs

ciwyw - the first lyric is my castle right? well that word is repeated in the lyric video

lover - you're....??

you're MY MY MY MYYYYYYY... lover

dbatc - it's repeatedly sung at the very beginning of the song, like a background choir or somethin

not to mention the iconic lines in the bridge of

"My heart, my hips, my body, my love My time, my wine, my spirit, my trust"

and i think this repetition/throughline has meaning

mary's song is a song about commitment, a staying through love that persists for years up to marriage.

i think that's what the mys represent

taylor's commitment to the person

from it being an idea in mary's song, it hinted at in ciwyw, to eventually being very prominent in lover, and then to it becoming a haunting/almost taunting repeating echo in dbatc...

i think it shows the journey of mys, of commitment with someone you're willing to spend the rest of your life with, becoming first a dream, to a possibility, to reality, to the past

and officially finally... i think me is a break up song... 🤷

i think this cause it's post dbatc in the tracklist which just gives it a whole diff energy.

it reminds me of what taylor said about RED (TV), about "moments of strength, independence, and devil-may-care rebellion" happening in the land of heartbreak.

and... the original composition of it, as seen in miss americana, from the piano... makes it sound very sad...

and i mean, if you listen to it...

"I promise that you'll never find another like me"

doesn't that sound just like the taylor red quote i put up there^ ?

(also, a bunch of songs that have the word me in it, usually have you. like, you belong with me, i'm only me when i'm with you, and you all over me. but with me... she's all by her lonesome, just me, no you...)

GAH. THAT'S IT I'M DONE. THE END. (for the lover's links anyways hahah. like i put there, this is only part 1, sooo... stay tuned for pt. 2, and i'll see ya later, folks hahah. this was kinda fun tho hahah.)

[theprologues]

Guys...has it occurred to you yet that Taylor the planner™️ laid the ground for TWO possible narratives of Kaylor going forward depending on the result of the election? One route is the continued “exile”, the other is a “reconciliation” (reunion). folklore + evermore + their socials/pr game in 2020 left enough room for either narrative to be rolled out in 2021.

The former narrative I believe was going to be “Karlie and Taylor had a fling, then they later had a falling out. But Taylor never moved on fully”. This was supported by Taylor sending exile to radio on Kk’s birthday and the way she explained it (two ex-lovers met up after a long time and still talks over each other.), “Peter losing Wendy” (Martha IG kk liked) and the love lost theme in Cardigan and August (both have a bunch of very obvious KK clues. Taylor’s explanation for august in interviews fits 100% with this Kaylor had a fling back in 2014-2015 narrative. And betty the title the whole song, lol. And the storm scene in Cardigan is designed to make people think it’s about 2016 when the “fallout” as well as a bunch of shit happened.) Now think about the series of confusing af SM actions KK took around folklore release and the Kaykor articles that followed...literally pushing down everyone’s throat the story that Kaylor dated and they broke up. Refreshing Kaylor for everyone when swifties almost forgot about KK. As a result? Many swifties came to admit they were more than friends. I believe this narrative would have played out if Tr*mp had won the election. It would have taken years for the remaining part to complete: Years of continued 0 public interactions. Taylor broke up with J, as she never got over Karlie, and Kaylor eventually rekindled their flame. Evermore also has a bunch of songs that support this narrative. rwylm, dorothea, coney island, ittg (the cr**k part).

This first narrative is literally already the consensus on main among swifties, G*ylors and ex-K*ylors.

But there were events that poked holes (easily overlooked and can be explained away by trashing KK.) in this narrative. KK’s cardigan video 13 days before folklore release. (How did she know?) Her posting a K*ylor tweet on Dec 13th on IG. Taylor pushing “no feud” articles after the bonus tracks drop and the recent E!News article bringing up the squad and showing a vsfs kaylor picture. I don’t feel comfortable sharing more observations/thoughts on second narrative, as it’s all very delicate. But thought I’d share this theory about the two narratives that may help people make sense of the confusing and contradictory events since folklore.

Anonymous said:

I’m the same anon who just sent you the TWO narratives ask. Wanna add champagne problems (very explicit reference to KK’s 2 weddings, feed into the narrative of Taylor years later regretting her decisions that led to the Kaylor breakup and getting Karlie back.) and closure to the mix of songs on evermore that contributed to the first narrative too. Additional evidence for the TWO narratives theory: 1) During the Apple Music interview Taylor herself literally said the bonus tracks are a second ending to the stories told in folklore+evermore, whereas evermore is the official closing track full of hope. 2) the chapters: “dropped your hands while dancing” EP is literally the first narrative (hoax being a very apt closer), while the “forever is the sweetest con” EP is...Kaylor confirmation.

—————————————————-

Pro: I have said I think that is the narrative they want to play out it protects the beards the previous bearding. Years ago you couldn’t even utter that “Kaylor was a thing” and now Swiffers are coming around. The 1 I definitely think people will associate with Karlie and will be used later as a lightbulb moment for Swifties that kk is the 1. Curious to hear your second narrative when/if you’re ready.

[bisluthq]

Hello! So, I am a two muse theory doubter (yes read realistic Kay too a couple of times). Like, I want to believe. I have even tried to force it in my mind but it doesn’t take. The reason is - TMT fails to consider the fluctuations of emotional highs, lows, love and lust over the initial 2 year period of a relationship. Like, I am a semi profesh song writer with a muse. The variety of POV I write from are extensive. Life is an emotional pendulum and our experiences make it swing. On any given day, our perspectives and emotions can complete change for a given moment towards a muse. I can love my muse for the rest of my life but hate them with the same passion on any given day, go to my piano and write it into a song and feel indifferent to it later (the good and bad end up in songs). When I listen to Rep, it’s range of intensities I easily apply to my one muse. Taylor herself saying Dress, Delicate, CIWYW & NYD her true story on the album reads like she is just pointing to her average daily experiences with 1 muse. If Delicate is Joe & Dress is Karlie - Taylor separated her finding “love amongst the chaos” into loving two people in her true story. If you actually timeline those particular songs it’s Dress (a lustful hook up), to Delicate (wanting to make it official), CIWYW (the pressure of making it official) and NYD (the challenge of commitment). Unless “Dress” leads her to “Delicate”, why include it at all in her true love story line up? Like, was it a last minute attempt to hetsplain that song years after it came out?🤷‍♀️ by her including NYD in her true love story of Rep, it ties via the ‘squeeze my hand three times in taxi’ lines to cruel summers crying in the backseat lines (which is also the circumstantial vibe of CIWYW). The backseat crying lines of Cruel Summer ties to the Cornelia Street vibe (which Taylor writes later as a reflection of the whatever happened after the Delicate moment) which ties back to Delicate via the bar lines and forward later in time to Gold Rush via the creaks / wooden in the floor lines. I mean, all this says to me there is 1 muse of her true story - which could be Joe (but that cancels out the sapphic nature of dress) or Karlie (which means this illicit affair on joshy-boy really did happen somewhere between 100 and a million times). Tbh, I tend to believe the later. So you’ll be like okay what about LSS, Invisable String then fruitcake? (Fair call future sleuth haha). Or what about babygate and joshlie marriage?! Like, wbk that affair was at least long and messy AF. Folklore and Evermore were written last year and Lover period was fairly chaotic and clunky at best (presumably because of masters heist). Like, they MUST have broken up (FG, DBATC, Daylight, The 1, Cardigan saga, TIMT, Hoax, Peace, Exile, Coney Is, Evermore, RWYLM, CP, Happiness, TTDS). Like, they all have 1 muse energy of losing someone you love through messiness (could be joe🤷‍♀️ we’ll never know for sure). But many of these songs refer to a third person being involved which screams Joshlie to me because of ivy, illicit affair, the bitterness of “The Man”. Baby, you say? Like it’s pretty simple - Karlie went back to Josh, married him and had a baby and Taylor’s like “uhh, what a fucking joke” and processed it last year through writing two albums about it all. Invisable string, LSS - like these are both songs which come from a POV of self-reflection after hope is lost. Maybe reunited after preggo-gate? Maybe consolidated love after break up into friendship aka Dorothea? WB - quite simply - WB is the model to which Taylor writes about whatever she wants to (triangulation of desire). Good for her, great writing strategy. Is it a strategy needed? Well ya, but only if it’s born of having 1 muse and a very obvious story Taylor is trying to obscure. Like, come at me sleuth cuz I reallllly want to believe in two muse story. I wouldn’t even had bothered writing this if I didn’t. What am I missing?

Hey Sim here. So Nat broke protocol and sent me this one to answer because I too am a writer and I too at one point reached that point in the lyric analysis where I literally could not fathom any timeline I was hearing that made sense due to the connections in the lyrics between Reputation and Lover. I have a whole spreadsheet called “Car Bar Roof” where I’m just trying to make sense of a series of events through lyrics alone and I nearly drove myself crazy doing it.

With that being said, I want to give a disclaimer: Nothing wrong with you interpreting things your own way! I know Nat can come off kind of brash sometimes, but both of us are always hyper-aware that we are discussing what essentially amounts to a “Taylor Swift Is Gay” conspiracy theory and because it’s a conspiracy theory and we don’t know these people, no analysis is ever going to be 100% correct. If you don’t hear two muses on Rep, that’s totally fine! I’m sure we have some Toe/Swiftwyn readers who would agree with you there!

I do want to caution against relying entirely on lyric parallels to create a timeline, however. You’re going to dig yourself into a rabbithole that’s very hard to get out of. I think a lot of people don’t realize that Taylor has been using a lot of metaphors (especially the car and the bar) her entire career. It ends up being a big stretch to assume that just because two events in two different songs both take place in a car or a bar, Taylor is talking about the exact same moments. Like, let’s be real, how many times have any of us ever been in a car? Wouldn’t it be kind of ridiculous for a critic of our work to assume everything we write involving a car is about the same specific time we were in a car?

It is also incredibly easy to construct false narratives when you rely only on song analysis. I’ll give you an example using Taylor’s first high school boyfriend, Drew. Whether you believe it or not, he’s often cited as the inspiration for Tim McGraw. The song Tim McGraw has a variety of common themes with Taylor’s other work, the main ones being summer, dancing, the moon, a little black dress, a truck, a creek/river, and going back to school. If we follow song parallel logic, I could connect Tim McGraw to folkmore songs and, because of this, could say Taylor is still dating/writing about Drew from high school.

The little black dress in Tim McGraw is also mentioned in unreleased Live for the Little Things and The Other Side of the Door. In both Tim McGraw and Live for the Little Things, Taylor mentions a black dress and dances with her lover under the moon. A summer love that ends with going back to school can also be found in August, and Cruel Summer and August are very similar songs, in that both are about a summer love that can’t last and isn’t being taken as seriously by one person as another. The Other Side of the Door is almost the exact same premise of an ex at your doorway as I Almost Do, Dark Blue Tennessee, All You Had to Do Was Stay, and exile, meaning all those songs must be connected as well. Dancing with someone in the middle of the night can also be found in Everything Has Changed, 22, and Dancing With Our Hands Tied. As a bonus, trucks and dancing are also mentioned in Champagne Problems, which connects to Gold Rush, So It Goes, and Dancing With Our Hands tied through the use of the color Gold. So It Goes also mentions wearing black and meeting someone in the middle of the night. So all those songs have to be about Drew as well.

So here’s the narrative that makes: Taylor and Drew dated over a summer then broke up when he went back to school but at some point he came back to her door and they got back together. They mostly hung out in the middle of the night, driving around and dancing. Unfortunately, when he proposed, Taylor couldn’t say yes, and literally left him stranded on the dance floor and is now #foreveralone and writing folkmore to process these events.

To be clear, I don’t actually believe any of this. I don’t think anyone else does either, but since neither Taylor nor Drew have publicly interacted in over a decade, this can be easily disproved, despite the “obvious” way the songs connect. Taylor just likes certain themes. Cars and bars. Nature. The contrast of light and dark. Sparks and fire. I guarantee if you go over her unreleased songs and first two albums with the same fine tooth comb you’ve gone over Folkmore/Lover/Reputation/1989 with, you’ll find just as many lyric parallels, and it’s not because she’s only writing about one person.

Occams Razor tells me Kaylor’s not on good terms anymore. It also tells me Karlie and Josh are actually having a child together. From the outside, it looks like things have been bad since at least the Masters Heist, if not before, and the more digging we’ve done, the more evidence we find of that. Now, you don’t have to believe that if you don’t want to! As long as you don’t go around harassing people we’ve got no beef with you. Just know you’re always going to find song parallels to back up whatever you want because Taylor’s such a prolific songwriter who loves to use the same themes again and again. That’s just deductive reasoning, baby. Thanks for the discourse though! LMK if you wanna chat song analysis sometime!