#sad Kensi and Deeks

[ejzah]

Would you consider starting a multi-chapter au for densi post s9 where they don’t make up, deeks leaves ncis, and they rekindle a few years later? I love second chance romance trope and the angst😊

A/N: Hi anon! I believe I’ve written one other story where Kensi and Deeks are briefly broken up. I do find it difficult to think of Densi being split up for any significant amount of time. As requested, this is angsty.

***

Just Know My Heart is Breaking

“Deeks, I’m back. I hope you didn’t make anything, cause I brought takeout,” Kensi calls out as she hangs her bag up by the door and kicks her shoes to the side. When he doesn’t answer back, she shouts his name again. “Deeks!”

His truck was in the driveway, but he’d also mentioned walking down to the beach so she isn’t surprised if Deeks is still out there. Since Mexico, he’s been spending a lot of time at the beach and to himself.

Kensi doesn’t judge him for it. Once she was able to get around on her own post coma, she’d relished in the freedom and frequently chose solo activities. It doesn’t make her miss him any less when he’s not around. Especially since she doesn’t get to see him at work. She’ll be glad when he passes his final physical and psych evals.

Then they’ll finally be back to normal. Well, as normal as they ever get.

She stops in the kitchen to drop off the Chinese food, then continues on her search, eventually finding Deeks sitting on the patio. His head is bent forward, whatever he’s looking at completely capturing his attention.

Coming up behind him, Kensi loosely wraps her arms around his shoulders, kissing his temple. He twists to look up at her.

“Hey, you’re back early,” he says, offering a distracted smile.

“The CIA ended up taking over our case. They did not want to share,” she explains, walking around to join him on the loveseat.

“What are you working on?” She nods to the open laptop balanced on his knees.

“Just some LAPD stuff.” He closes the lid, sets it to the side, his arm sliding around her.

“Oh. I thought you finished all of that last week.”

“Yeah, I uh, I had a few more forms Bates needed,” he responds, ruffling his hair. There’s a tension radiating throughout his body and even though he’s sitting right next to her, he’s closed off.

“What’s going on? Are you nervous about going back tomorrow? Believe, everyone misses you. Even though Sam will probably pretend it’s be fine.” She rubs his back, which results in his spine going completely rigid. “We need our liaison back.”

“Yeah, about that.” He untangles himself from her, scooting over so there’s a half foot between them. “I need to talk to you about something.”

“Ok, that doesn’t sound good,” she jokes. Deeks’ grim expression doesn’t change and her stomach clenches uncomfortably. He should be reassuring her right now, laughing at her lack of creativity, but he’s not.

He cups her hands between his. “Kensi, we need to talk about the engagement.”

“As in making invitations and setting a date? Because we already talked about this when you were in the hospital.”

“No.” He exhales shakily and her heart starts to pound in response.

He can’t be breaking up with her.

“Kensi, I love you…” he shakes his head and gestures aimlessly. “I can’t do this anymore.”

“What do you mean you can’t?”

“I can’t keep being with you and loving you and working in the same place, knowing that any given day, it could all be gone,” he says, his voice dipping lower on the last few words. Somehow knowing this is hurting him too doesn’t make it any better.

“I know it’s been difficult the last few months, but we can make this work,” she insists, hearing how desperate she sounds. In this moment, she’s ready to do just about anything to convince him.

“It’s not just the last few months, though what happened in Mexico did put things into perspective for me. I want a family and a future, and I just can’t see that working with what we do.”

This isn’t you, she wants to say. Marty Deeks doesn’t give up. He didn’t fight so hard for her after her coma and follow her into an unsanctioned, dangerous mission just for them to end this way.

Instead, she promises, “I want those things too, Deeks. I want you. And I can change. I can compromise.” She would do just about anything, because she knows what it’s like to almost lose him for good.

“We both know you’re not ready to leave NCIS and I said I wouldn’t force you to,” he answers bluntly. Then more gently. “Could you honestly say you’d be happy if you left now? Knowing that it wasn’t completely your choice.”

“I’d do it for you.” She means it.

“I wouldn’t want you to,” Deeks tells her.

“So I don’t get a say in any of this?” She can’t get out more than a whisper. This is so much worse than the last time. Then she could draw on her anger, use it to fuel her past the shock and pain. “You’re just going to leave.”

He swallows visibly, but doesn’t let her comment deter him. “I’ll be out by the end of week. I’m going to email the landlord about taking my name off the lease.”

“Deeks—”

“I’m not going to ask any rent or utilities. So you should be good for the rest of the year,” he continues on relentlessly.

“Deeks, I don’t care about the money,” she interrupts with a combination of horror and shock. Does he really think she’s that mercenary? “You just told me you’re leaving me. This house and rent is the last thing on my mind.”

“That’s not what I meant, Kens.”

She flinches as the soft use of her nickname, and he looks away, eyes focusing nowhere in particular, pursing his lips for a few seconds. When he looks at her again, his eyes are glassy and sadder than the night they fought in the parking garage.

“Of course I know you don’t care. I just meant I’m not going make this any harder on you by forcing you to move, or—or pick up all the bills without warning,” he explains.

Because only Marty Deeks would be so considerate while breaking her heart.

“What about work?” she asks dully. Her voice sounds distant and almost as if it’s coming from someone else.

“I’ll resign from the liaison position.” At the soft, pained noise Kensi lets escape he adds, almost pleading with her, “It would be too hard to keep working together when we—it would be too hard.”

“You weren’t happy at LAPD. And after the IA case…” Kensi reminds him.

“I know. It would just be until I figure something else out,” he says with a shrug.

There’s something especially painful about the thought of him leaving law enforcement completely. If he wants a safe future, he’s certainly not going to join a different agency.

In a final desperate effort, she takes his hand and squeezes it in her shaking one’s.

“Please, stay a little longer. Just a few weeks so we can try and figure it out. That’s all I’m asking. Please,” she begs. A few tears slip down her cheeks.

Deeks reaches up to wipe them away, making a comforting sound. For a moment, she thinks he might give in. She might have gotten through to him and won a little more time with him. He hugs her, his arms tight and comforting. Kensi holds him just as tight, curling her fingers in the back of his shirt, as though she can keep him there by sheer will.

After a minute, he presses his lips her cheek, carefully easing out of her embrace.

“I’m sorry,” he murmurs hoarsely. He’s crying too, but it doesn’t stop him from walking away.

“Deeks, wait!” Kensi runs after him, catches him before he gets to the patio door and grasps his cheeks, kissing him desperately. She pours every ounce of love, regret, and heartbreak into it, memorizing the feel of his lips against hers.

When she pulls away, Deeks looks absolutely wrecked. Sucking in a shuddering breath, he backs away, his eyes pleading with her not to follow.

In just a few seconds, he’s gone. Kensi’s legs shake and she slowly crumples to the rough ground, her shoulders heaving with sobs.

***

A/N: I realize Deeks springing a break up on Kensi may seem a little OOC, but in this scenario they haven’t necessarily talked through all their issues and desires/needs for the future. So, Kensi assumes they’re ok and Deeks is trying to make it work, but they still have the same conflict as in 9x23 and 24.

Thanks for the prompt!

[f1-disaster-bi]

Sometimes when you're sick, hurting, stressed, depressed and anxious about a doctor visit in the morning, you have to go and watch a sad episode of a tv show you love to make it all better 😔

[densi-mber]

A//N: Oops, I wrote more angst, followed by some fluff. This takes place shortly after Kensi and Deeks bring Rosa home. I just love writing Deeks as a dad and exploring that relationship.

***

Stumbles and Falls

Deeks isn’t all that surprised when they go to pick Rosa up from center that Kensi and Rosa hug and he gets a shy “Hello, Mr. Deeks”. He isn’t surprised, but it does sting a tiny bit. Mostly though, he’s excited, and stunned, and incredibly nervous.

He anticipates some of the awkwardness will fade once Rosa settles in. They’d gotten fairly close during their visits, maybe not as close as Rosa and Kensi, but enough to be past honorifics. When it doesn’t, he gives her space, and doesn’t push, takes a step back when it seems she prefers Kensi’s company than his.

Deeks would like to say he isn’t jealous and a little hurt, yet he is. Starting a family has been a desire for so long and after everything he and Kensi have done to get to this point, he craves a connection and the chance to finally be a dad. So, yeah, it does hurt and poke at something deep inside him that whispers he’ll never be quite good enough.

He pushes the voice and any lingering selfish feelings down, reminding himself this isn’t about him. Rosa owes him nothing; he and Kensi are here to help her navigate this huge transition, the trauma of the past few years, and provide a loving home. If that means his support looks a little different than he expected, and Kensi takes the lead, then he’ll do it.

A few weeks later, Deeks is reviewing the presentation for an upcoming training, when Rosa wanders in. She tucks herself into one corner of the couch.

“Hey, do you mind if I watch something?” she asks softly.

“Of course, Rosa. I’ll just get out of your hair.” He starts to gather up his laptop, but she stops him with a quick wave of her hand.

“No, you don’t have to leave,” she insists. “As long as I don’t bother you.”

He thinks he covers his surprise pretty well and shrugs, sitting back down. “I think I can block out anything at this point.”

She turns on some teen drama, which makes him smile slightly. Some things were apparently universal. Even though they aren’t talking, it feels companionable. Soon, he’s engrossed in reading about a new protocol, the slightly dramatic and stilted dialogue creating an almost soothing background noise.

He doesn’t know how much time has passed when he has the odd sensation of being watched. From his peripheral vision, he sees Rosa looking directly at him instead of the TV. He meets her gaze, hoping it’s encouraging and not off-putting.

“Everything ok?” he asks gently.

“Yes. Maybe.” She sighs deeply, worrying at her fingers. “Marty, can I ask you something?”

“Anything.” And he means it.

Her head stays lowered over her hands, and she’s silent so long, he almost thinks she’s changed her mind.

“Do I do something wrong?” she asks eventually, the words ever so slightly hesitant.

“No, of course not! Why would you think that?”

She shrugs, then turns to him with an open, impossibly sad look. “You never spend time with me like this. I think this is the longest we’ve ever been together, just the two of us.” Her eyes gleam with a sheen of tears and his heart clenches. “I mean, today, when Kensi and I went to the farmers market, you didn’t come.”

“Oh Rosa,” he whispers, shaking his head.

She rushes on, speaking faster than he’s ever heard from her before. “I understand. I’m not what you expected, but I can change if you just tell me.”

Reaching out, he gathers her hands in his, and she stops, tucking her bottom lip between her teeth. “Rosa, I am so incredibly sorry I made you feel that way,” he says, fighting back his own tears. “You haven’t done anything wrong. I thought being around me made you uncomfortable, so I decided to give you space. Because apparently I’m the world’s biggest idiot.”

She laughs wetly, lifting one of her hands and wiping away a couple of tears with the back of her hand. “That’s all?” she asks. “You like me?”

“Rosamund, at the risk of swinging way too far in the other direction, I love you,” he tells her fervently. Her lips partly in surprise at that and she exhales shakily.

“Can I hug you?”

“Of course.”

Rosa launches herself at him as soon as the words are out of his mouth, her arms wrapping tightly around his torso. He gently caresses the top of her head, regret mixed with elation filling him.

“I’m so sorry,” he repeats.

“It’s ok,” she forgives him, easing back enough to look at him with still watery but relieved expression. “I’m glad I was wrong.” She smiles shyly. “Do you want to watch “The Vampire Diaries” with me?”

“I’d love to.”

[chicgeekgirl89]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Thanks to @bonheur-cafe and @lemonlyman-dotcom for the tags!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

99! Must do something special for 100! Any suggestions?

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

358,733

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Actively: 911 Lone Star, Heartstopper

Previously: NCIS LA, SEAL Team, Teen Wolf, others...

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

The Good, the Bad, and the Very Ugly

The House in the Pines Where the Road Ends

Hold Onto Me

The Austin Chronicle Hot Sauce Festival

Take Me Out to the Ball Game

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes! It means SO MUCH to me when people comment, I feel like the least I can do is say thank you! Also, it always makes me happy when someone responds to my comments, so I try and give that magical feeling to others!

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I Could Have Loved You- This is a SEAL Team fic that explored the six weeks in season 2 where Sonny and Lisa were together in before she would have left for her officer billet. In the end I had her leave even though both of them wanted to stay together. Honestly still prefer it to the shit show the show turned them into.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

It All Fades Away- I finally married Kensi and Deeks off on the beach because the damn show was taking too long. It was really beautiful! Also this is so old that it's only posted on ff.net lol.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not often, especially now that I'm on AO3. People used to be real mean over on ff.net.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

No. I like to let people have their privacy. I will write straight up to the line of smut though.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I have written exactly one 911 LS/The Rookie crossover for @bluenet13 and I only posted it on Tumblr. It involved the Reyes sisters is was generally hilarious.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of. Please don't steal my things lol.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Someone asked me many years ago if they could translate one of my fics into German and I said yes. I saw it once, no idea where it's posted now.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nope!

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

Tarlos, Ron/Hermione, Nick and Charlie

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I have a Ron/Hermione fic that spans the time from the end of DH to 19 Years Later and it's not done and it makes me sad because I really loved a lot of it.

16. What are your writing strengths?

DIALOGUE. I only have one, but I do think I'm pretty damn good at it. Okay maybe also character voice.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Scene description. I hate it.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

Yes? Sure? But like, know what you're doing. Don't guess.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

First ever? Star Wars. First posted? Power Rangers. I've come a long way lolol.

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

Ever?!?! Oh, I don't know! Anything involving Adriana and Francesca maybe? Or maybe Requesting Immediate Backup. I loved writing Andrea and T.K. teaming up on Carlos to make him feel better when he's sick.

Tagging (no pressure) @ladytessa74, @carlos-in-glasses, and anyone else who wants to play!

[typingtess]

Kensi was sitting alone in their backyard. Well, not alone, Monty was resting at her feet. She was firmly in Los Angeles and a million miles away. She barely noticed when Deeks joined her. He was still wearing the dress shirt and pants from the suit he wore to Michelle's memorial service. She took her dark dress off the minute she walked into the house. She had an old black shirt and a pair of white running shorts. No shoes. It was time to touch grass.

They sat quietly for a long time. "What the worst thing you've ever seen?" Kensi finally asked.

"Nothing immediately comes to mind. Time with LAPD means seeing people at the worst moment of their lives. I saw a lot of that."

"We were living in Camp Lejeune. There was a training accident. Three Marines were killed. I saw the car pull up to a house a couple of doors down. Two Marines made the death notification. Mrs. Miller was six months pregnant with her third child. They had an eight-year and a three-year old. I was nine. My Mom just started crying in the living room. My Dad was fine – he wasn't part of the training exercise - but I never saw my Mom cry like that before."

"Probably thinking there but for the grace of God…"

"But I remember that. And I remember thinking about my Mom differently after that. She wasn't a crier. If she was sad, she'd go for a walk, she'd cook or play some of her favorite records. Play a little Celia Cruz and feel better. But this was different. There were some things that were just too awful for a walk or a deep cut on 'Son Con Guaguancó'."

Deeks saw his mother cry far too many times. She wasn't a crier either but when a grown man is beating the living hell out of you, the tears come.

"I've known Sam for almost 10-years. I've never seen him so lost, so…."

"Wounded."

"Good word. He's obviously keeping things together for his kids but they know."

"They probably don't. They're dealing with their own grief. I know the whole circle of life includes kids burying their parents but not this young and not this fast."

"What do you think they do next?"

"I don't know," Deeks answered honestly. "If anything ever happens to me, don't go back to work."

"Really?"

"Really. I want to see you on the other side but I'm more than willing to wait. Take the insurance payment, the LAPD pension money and be good to yourself and Monty," Deeks wanted that said because he had a feeling Sam Hanna will never forgive himself. He wanted more for Kensi.

"You don't think I can take care of myself at work without you."

"I have not a single doubt you can take care of yourself at work. I don't want you to have to. Find a nice place by the beach, or in the desert or anywhere where you can be you."

"I'm not me without you?"

"I'd never be me without you. The Sam we knew last Monday isn't the Sam we'll know going forward. Sam was with the SEALs for years, with NCIS for years but he thought he'd be with Michelle forever."

"Forever," Kensi nearly whispered.

"They probably had all these couples goals with Aiden going to Annapolis and Kam going to Keating. Time to live a little as empty nesters with no school drop-off or driving to and from school activities."

"I don't think Sam ever minded doing that stuff."

"I don't think that either. But after 18-plus years of their days being built around the kids' needs, Sam and Michelle were going to have their own time."

Kensi was quiet for a little while. "Anything you really want to do?"

"Get out of this shirt and these pants, figure out something to eat."

"Not today, big picture. Something you really want to do."

Deeks thought for a minute. "Honestly, find someplace quiet with you and Monty. Not answer the phone, not deal with the outside world. You, me, Monty, the beach or the mountains, I don't care as long as the outside world isn't part of it."

"Then let's find a place and book it. After the last few days, it's time to get busy living our lives."

[ejzah]

A/N: While Deeks is at FLETC, Kensi struggles without him.

***

Missing You

It’s week four sans Deeks and Kensi’s starting to feel the strain. It starts when she wakes up in the morning to an empty bed, continues on the drive to work where she either relies on a too-short video call with or the radio to fill the silence. At first, work had been a welcome distraction and she’d even enjoyed the chance to work with agents from other agencies.

The novelty is wearing thin now, and she’s keenly aware of Deeks absence as she stands in their usual spot in OPS. She misses his insights, and jokes,

“You want to come question the witness with me, Kens?” Callen asks.

Of course, because she doesn’t have a permanent partner, she’s either stuck going solo or takes turns pairing up with someone else for a few days. It reminds her a little too much of her first year or so with NCIS, when she was always the third wheel to Sam and Callen’s veteran partnership. Even though they don’t complain, she’s starting to feel like a burden.

“Sure. Though this time, I’m driving,” she insists.

“Ok, but only if you clean it first,” Callen agrees as they walk out the door. She groans, playing into it because that’s what’s expected of her.

Once she’s driving, her thoughts drift. This is hardly the first time she’s been without a partner, but it’s been the longest in recent years, and it makes her realize how much she relies on Deeks knowing her and anticipating her quirks and needs the way no one else can.

Sam’s extremely particular about certain aspects of the job. He doesn’t keep an extra candy bar in the glove compartment, or think of stopping for a donut when she starts getting cranky on long shifts. She also knows he’s not going to take her up on an offer to stop for tacos on the way back to the mission. He would if she asks, but it’s not the same.

When they’re stopped at a backed up red light, she checks her phone and finds a missed call from Deeks. Damn it. If she doesn’t call him back in the next twenty minutes, she probably won’t get another opportunity until tonight.

“Was that Deeks?”

Shoving her phone back in her pocket, she covers her disappointment with a shrug. “Yeah, we usually talk before work, but Deeks has an off-campus training today, so his schedule is a little different.”

“Is he doing ok?” Callen asks politely. Or at least that’s how she reads it. Maybe he’s just trying to tiptoe around what’s been a tenuous situation.

“He’s good. It’s FLETC, you know, so it’s not exactly fun,” she answers, recalling Deeks’ descriptions of the long runs cadets had every morning and afternoon. She’d mostly blocked that detail out of her memory since her own FLETC days. “Especially since he’s stuck with a bunch of 23 year olds. Not that that’s a problem. You know Deeks is a people person and is in amazing shape. It’s just not what you want to be doing in your forties.” She presses her lips together to hold back further rambling.

Callen didn’t need to know about the mild hazing Deeks received at the hands of the less kind instructors the first couple of weeks. Or the expectations that came with Deeks’ years of experience, as well as the unexpected notoriety that came with their more infamous cases. Finding out that FLETC instructors not only used Deeks and Sam’s abduction by Sidorov as case study had come as an extremely unpleasant and jarring surprise.

“Yeah, that’s to be expected,” Callen comments neutrally. Something about it irritates her. At least Sam would offer some sage advice. He’d remind her that Deeks was strong and intelligent and they both would make it through the next couple months.

Callen’s more matter-of-fact for any of that, which is pretty damn infuriating when it feel as if her life might implode at any second. An awkward silence rises and goes on until they reach their destination and Callen tentatively breaches the tension.

“Are you ok?”

This time he sounds more uncertain, even concerned, and for some reason, it instantly makes her eyes burn with the beginnings of tears. She also feels bad for her uncharitable thoughts.

“Yeah, I just miss him,” she admits. She doesn’t add that there’s a lot riding on Deeks successfully completing FLETC. That she might be looking for a new partner even if he does.

“Why don’t you call Deeks back? I’ll give you a few minutes to catch up.

“Thanks, Callen.”

He acknowledges that with a nod, gets out of the SUV, and paces a few yards away. She quickly calls Deeks back, and he picks up after the second ring.

“Kensi,” he answers, his voice instantly soothing her.

“Hi baby,” she murmurs back, briefly closing her eyes. She wants to tell him how hard this is. That she misses him. That she needs him here. Instead, she forces a smile into her voice. “How was your run?”

Leaning back in her seat, she closes her eyes as he talks, and for a few minutes, pretends he’s right beside her.

***

A/N: This story involves a number of my personal head canons and references several stories and the backstory I’ve written in my FLETC series (all posted to my ff.net page). So, most of this is not actually canon.

[ejzah]

A/N: Set while Kensi is in Afghanistan. It gets every so slightly spicy.

***

Sweet Dreams of You

She’s swimming in the ocean, the water warm on her skin, sun shining brightly. Her arms cleave through the waves with surprising speed and with each arc of her arms and kick of her legs, Kensi feels pure joy.

As she swims, she sees a figure treading water in front of her. Instead of feeling any fear, Kensi moves directly toward it. She’s just a few feet away when he turns around and Kensi grins.

“Deeks,” she says. His hair is wet and slicked back, and what she can see of his skin is tan, his shoulders and upper arms highlighted by the sun.

“Kensi.” His mouth widens with a smile that shows off all his teeth and crinkles the skin around his eyes. He holds out his arms.

Kensi floats towards him, cupping the back of his head between her palms as he folds her in his arms. Closing her eyes, she rests her head on his chest. “I missed you,” she whispers.

“Me too.” Lifting her chin, Deeks guides her mouth to his, and she sighs when their lips meet. It’s familiar. It’s home.

Suddenly, they’re in bed, no longer wet, wrapped around each other. Kensi clings to his shoulder with one hand, relishing the firm muscle underneath, her other fingers buried in his hair keep his mouth against hers. They move against one another, desperate, totally consumed by one another.

Deeks presses his lips to her neck, sucking a steady map from collar bone to under her jaw, the little sound he makes in the back of his throat possibly the sexiest thing she’s ever heard. Moaning as he sucks a particularly sensitive spot, Kensi hooks her legs around his hip.

He lifts his head, hair hanging in his eyes, absolute adoration in his eyes.

“Kensi, I lo—”

Kensi jerks awake, breathing heavily, her entire body overly warm. It takes her several moments to realize she’s in her cot on base and someone moving around must have woken her.

It was a dream. Even though the sensation of Deeks’ lips on her skin still seems all to real, it was just a dream. Thankfully, no one else is around to see her overactive imagination at play.

Briefly rubbing her hands over her face, Kensi crawls out of bed to start getting ready for another miserable day. A deep sense of longing and loss fills her, and for the first time since arriving, she allows herself to cry.

[ejzah]

Could you write a fanfiction set during the events of the season 8 finale where Kensi and Deeks take a moment to grieve and comfort each other over Michelle's death and Sam's heartache, taking place after Callen and Sam leave the scene, but before they get back to Ops.

A/N: This one was a little hard since I didn’t want Kensi and Deeks to come off as selfish.

***

When No One Wins

Deeks glanced around the crime scene, shaking his head at the carnage left behind. The coroner had taken Michelle’s—had taken Michelle, and Callen and Sam had left shortly after. Only a few cops remained, processing the last of the evidence, and so forth.

It was horrific, not in the least because they’d been so close. So close to saving Michelle, to keeping Sam’s life whole. He kept running through what they could have done differently, where they’d been too slow or too stupid to it the pieces together. And Michelle had paid the price.

Turning away from the lines of caution tape, Deeks glanced around for Kensi. He’d last seen her talking to one of the LAPD officers maybe 15 minutes ago, but had lost track of her since.

A rush of panic, and the sudden, intense need to find her had him ducking back under the yellow tape. He didn’t think Tahir would attack her, but he needed to check for his own peace of mind. After a few minutes, he found her tucked away at the very back of the building.

“Kensi? Did you find something else?” he asked, covering his relief at the sight of her.

“No, I, uh, I needed a minute,” she said softly.

“Sam and Callen already left, so we should probably get back.” Kensi nodded in response, just the edge of her jaw visible, but it was enough for him to tell she was barely holding back tears. “Hey, come here.”

“I’m fine, I just—” she waved her hand in a vague gesture, keeping her body firmly turned away from him.

“Kens.”

At the sound of her name, she crumpled, shoulders caving inward as she cupped her palms over her face.

“Oh baby,” he murmured, gently taking her arm, and she didn’t resist when he tugged her into his arms. Burying her face in his chest, Kensi gripped the back of his shirt so tightly, he felt her nails dig slightly into his skin. Her shoulders heaved with silent sobs.

“I can’t believe this happened,” she gasped. “Michelle’s gone. I thought we’d find her in time.”

“I know, me too.” He swallowed heavily, his anger from before giving way to sadness. He clutched Kensi to him, breathing in her familiar scent, the comforting press of her body against his.

After a few minutes Kensi heaved a sigh, rubbing both hands over her damp cheeks as she eased back.

“What are we going to do?”

“We’re going to take a minute, grieve, for Michelle, for Sam,” he said in a gravelly voice, brushing his fingers up and down Kensi’s back. “And then we do whatever it takes to find Tahir. Because that’s what Sam’s going to need right now. We support him however we can.”

“It won’t make this right,” she said, shaking her head. “Nothing will.”

“I know it won’t. But it’s the best we can do.”

Kensi pressed her lips together, visibly fighting for control of her emotion. She looked up at Deeks, carefully cupping his cheeks, and leaned in to kiss him. “I love you,” she said with great intent in her voice.

He was almost certain she was thinking of Sam and Michelle, and the utter unpredictability of the future.

“I love you too.” He embraced her again, allowing himself one more moment of selfishness. “Now let’s go help Sam.”

***

A/N: I hope this is alright, if a little different than what you might have imagined. I’ll admit while I did review a few clips and the transcript, I did not rewatch this arc, so I apologize for any mistakes.

Rest in peace, Michelle.

Thanks for the prompt!

[ejzah]

A/N: Inspired by my earlier post about Sam.

***

Sam, groaning as he comes into OPS: Eric, again with the pajamas pants. Really? What are those, trees?

Eric, staunchly: I’ve been here since 4:30 and haven’t had a change change. And for the record, they’re cacti in hats.

Sam, annoyed: Why can’t you were normal clothes?

Deeks: Hey, we’re all a little quirky in our own ways. I refuse to cut my hair, can’t pronounce nuclear despite it coming up a concerning number of times in our job, and I love cleaning. Callen has insomnia and likes to take on DIY projects with little planning.

Callen, shaking his head: You disassemble one toaster…

Kensi, wryly: And what quirks do I have?

Deeks, smiling winningly: Kensi my love, you’ve got your hideous laugh that I love so much and delightful hoarding tendencies. Not to mention a love of Twinkies bordering on the need for intervention.

Kensi: Hm, I guess that’s not that bad. *she points at his chest* Don’t criticize my Twinkies.

Nell, eagerly: Ooh, do me next.

Deeks, tilting his head: Uh, whatever you and Eric do at cons together and dressing up as elves every Christmas.

Eric: Oh, that’s the least odd costume we wear all year.

Deeks: Good to know.

*Nell and Kensi look at Sam expectantly*

Sam, chucking: Oh no. I don’t have quirks.

Deeks, squinting: You make origami, Sam. Which I obviously love, but that is the definition of unusual.

Sam: It’s creative.

Kensi: What about Charlene?

Sam: My car?

Callen, enjoying himself: Yeah, it’s definitely quirky to be so attached to a car. Then there’s the clowns.

Kensi: Ooh, yeah, the clowns!

Sam: Hey, don’t you start with me.

Eric: I’m not a big fan of them myself. I think it’s the nose and smile. Why do they always look extremely happy or sad? It’s not natural.

*Sam looks particularly annoyed now*

Deeks, holding up a hand: Ok, ok. Enough about clowns. What about Otis?

Callen: A seal you drink beer with and named Otis is the epitome of quirky.

Sam: You’re all hilarious. I’m going for coffee. By myself.

Deeks: That was fun. Also, nice pants, Eric.

Eric, tipping an imaginary hat: Thank you, my good sir.

Kensi, arching an eyebrow: We are pretty weird, aren’t we?

[ejzah]

Blunt Force, Part 14

“Kensi, I need you.”

“Tell me what’s wrong,” she prompted, already sliding out of bed and throwing on a jacket one handed and then searching for her keys and a pair of shoes.

“I don’t know. I’m just—it’s too much. I can’t—I can’t,” he gasped out, his words halting and disjointed enough Kensi gave up on the jacket and ran out the door.

“Ok, I’m on my way. Don’t—” she stopped herself before she could finish the warning. “Just stay there, ok?”

“Kay.” Deeks hung up then and she started the SUV, pulling out of her parking spot fast enough for the tires to screech.

Kensi had heard Deeks when he was worried, nervous, sad, and even scared over the years. She’d never heard Deeks sound like this, and that worried her the most. He’d sounded…desperate and so lost. More so than directly after leaving the shooting range.

He wouldn’t do something foolish and drastic, Kensi told herself. He wasn’t himself though. This version of Deeks had fewer barriers, was less prone to use jokes as armor. She couldn’t predict how he’d react and that made him more vulnerable.

With that in mind, she pressed the gas pedal as far as it would go, tearing through stop signs. Deeks needed her.

***

Kensi knocked on Deeks’ front door, getting no response. After the second time, she tried the doorknob, surprised when it actually opened. Her knee-jerk reaction was to berate Deeks about safety and crime rates, but she batted that instinct down, instead hoping it meant he had the presence of mind to unlock it for her.

She walked in to dim lighting; all the curtains had been drawn and the only light filtered out from the kitchen. Moving farther into the room, she saw Deeks sitting on the couch, face cradled in his hands between his parted knees.

Without thinking about it, she moved to stand in front of him, and rested her hand on his shoulder. He didn’t startle at her at all, which made her think he’d noticed her come in.

“Hey,” he mumbled into his hand, slowly lifting his head. He reached over to turn on another light. His eyes were hazy and a little puffy. Clearly whatever sleep he’d gotten hadn’t been restful.

“Hey, what happened? Are you ok?”

“Ah, you know, just freaking out, like usual,” he explained, not making eye contact. “I had this…dream and it was really disconcerting.” He caught her eye long enough to smile humorously. “I shouldn’t have bothered you.”

“No, it’s ok. You can always call me. Anytime,” she insisted, sitting next to him, her hand automatically moving to rest on his back. “What was your dream about?”

“All kinds of things.” His shoulder lifted under hand. “I kept bouncing between different scenes and moments. I don’t know what parts are real, if any, or what my screwed up brain invented.”

“Tell me what there are and maybe I can help you figure out if any of it’s real.” It was an impulsive offer, one that might come back to bite her depending on what Deeks’ dreams contained.

“You sure?” Deeks asked, so hopefully Kensi knew she’d probably grant him anything in this moment if it would help him.

“Yeah.”

Rubbing both hand up over his face and through his hair, he stared across the room for a few seconds before speaking.

“At first, I was about to beat or maybe shoot this guy. I don’t know why. But I was so angry at this guy. You stopped me.” He glanced at her, clearly looking for reassurance.

“I’m pretty sure that was real,” she confirmed and he sighed.

“Fantastic. What about lasers? I keep dreaming about us playing laser tag, but then it either turns into guys with real guns. This time you were stuck and I think I was about to pull you out. That didn’t happen, right?” he asked, sounding completely bewildered.

“Kind of,” Kensi said with a grimace and he just gave her a look. She could only imagine how confusing dreams would be when he had an entire six years worth of memories missing. “I think it might be inspired by this time I was taken by some Russians and they trapped me in a web of lasers. You had to pull me out in the end.” She hesitated, then added, “It was kind of a big moment.”

“Well, yeah not every day you get stuck in lasers,” he replied sarcastically.

“No, I mean for us. For me. That was during out first year as partners and we still didn’t quite trust each other. I didn’t know if I fully trusted you.”

Deeks perked up a little at that, some of his distress fading, and she licked her bottom lip, suddenly nervous. They were drifting into territory that still made her uncomfortable to talk about.

Licking his bottom lip, Deeks shook his slightly. “What did I do that made you think you couldn’t trust me?”

“Nothing. I mean, nothing unusual. We were both hesitant to trust each other. You’d had some bad partners in the past and I didn’t trust many people beyond Callen and Sam. Even then, they didn’t know a lot,” she tried to explain. It was hard to go back to the those early days when Deeks was used to working alone and she was afraid of losing another partner. Based on the groove between his eyebrows, she hadn’t done a very good job.

“I told you it took us a while to figure things out,” she added.

“Yeah, no, I remember,” he said. “It’s just, sometimes, it feels like you know more about me than I do. It’s a really bizarre feeling. It’s disconcerting, and isolating, and sometimes I wonder who I am and what I’m going to do.” His voice shook a little, and he exhaled sharply. “Because right now I sure as hell can’t imagine going out into the world and shooting a gun or, or any of that. And that terrifies me because I’ve always relied on having a plan, on working and having a purpose and I don’t know what that is anymore.” He stopped abruptly, swallowing visibly.

Kensi’s stomach flipped, both in sympathy but also unease at the thought of losing Deeks. It was completely selfish, but she’d been dreading this since Deeks woke up and didn’t recognize her. Maybe she’d decided to push him to use his service weapon for that very reason.

Pushing down her own fears, she cupped her hands around Deeks’. His eyes flicked down to their linked fingers, and she resisted the urge to pull away. She focused on the familiar warmth and strength of his hold. For all their physical contact, they rarely held hands. Not like this.

“Deeks, that’s ok. Don’t get me wrong, I want you back as my partner

more than anything,” she told him, working hard to modulate her voice. “Not at the risk of your happiness or health. That’s more important than anything else.”

“Yeah, and what about my beyond Swiss cheese memory?” he asked, his voice impossibly soft. “These flashbacks or whatever they are. What do I do? Cause I’m going to be honest, it kind of feels like I’m going crazy.”

“You tell me about them,” Kensi said.

“For how long?”

“As long as you’ll have me.”

His head lifted slightly at that, and he gave her a questioning look. She held his gaze, not backtracking. Not running this time. Deeks glanced back down at their folded hands, his grip tightening on hers.

“Are you sure it isn’t the other way around? You might get tired of me,” he joked. She didn’t take the bait.

“I won’t,” she promised.

She retrieved one hand to brush his hair out of his eyes and hoped the gesture relayed what she couldn’t put into words. Deeks didn’t say anything either, instead wrapping his arms around her in a loose hug, and Kensi settled her hands on his back. He pressed his face against her shoulder, and for a second, Kensi thought he might kiss. Instead, she felt the warmth of his breath on her cheek.

“Thank you, Kens.”

“Always.”

[ejzah]

A/N: A little Deeks and Rosa drabble.

***

Deeks, clicking through to the last slide on his presentation: That’s it for today. Does anyone have ant questions? *A girl in the front immediately raises her hand* Renee?

Renee: Do we have any homework assigned over break?

Deeks: No, absolutely not. We’ll go through a few more cases when we come back on Monday and review chapter eight that Wednesday, but this is your break.

A male student in the back: Mr. Deeks, when’s the next paper due?

Deeks, wryly: Still on April 15th, Jake. Just like it says in the syllabus. And the last slide.

*the rest of the class chuckles but Jake doesn’t seem bothered. Another girl raises her hand*

Deeks: Yes, Esther?

Esther, playfully: Where are you going for break, Mr. Deeks.

Deeks: Some place where none of you can find me. *a couple students fake disappointment* Alright, we’re out of time, so have a great break, get some rest, and please try really hard not to do anything illegal.

Jake: No promises!

*Deeks gathers up his materials while the students file out with a chorus of goodbyes and chatter about their plans. Rosa comes in when the room is mostly empty*

Rosa, teasingly: Good afternoon, Mr. Deeks.

Deeks, warningly: Don’t start. It’s weird enough having them call me that. You’re here early. I thought I was picking you up.

Rosa: Professor Whitman decided to cancel class. We just have to write a post on blackboard and respond to three other posts.

Deeks: Sweet. I need to enter some grades, but after that, you want to grab ice cream?

Rosa: Of course! Oh, but Kensi will be sad.

Deeks, pondering this dilemma for a moment: We’ll get a cooler and some dry ice. *he noticed Rosa biting back a smile* What?

Rosa: Nothing. It’s just kind of cool I get to have my dad at school with me.

[ejzah]

A/N: Kensi and Deeks have some interesting gift-giving practices.

***

Callen: Did Caleb just unwrap an empty box?

Deeks, happily: Yep. They like playing with the paper and cardboard more than actual toys, so we figured why waste the money

Callen, frowning: That’s—

Deeks: Pragmatic?

Callen: A little sad.

Deeks, waving off his concern: Don’t worry, my mom, Julia, and Eric and Nell more than make up for it. *he holds up a paper bag* How about some nice tissue paper?

[ejzah]

A/N: A little Densi twins fic as they approach their first birthdays.

***

First Steps

“Come here, Sophie!” Deeks encouraged, holding his hands out towards Sophia. She moved one foot forward and stopped, wavering and almost tipping forward.

Kensi sat cross-legged about ten feet away, Sophia standing between them on shaky legs. She’d been standing for about a week now; Caleb, who took to most physical activities more quickly, started a few days before that.

“Yeah, just a little further,” Deeks said.

“Da,” Sophia said, arms extended from her sides as she struggled to remain upright. Her legs trembled, knees folding beneath her, and she finally lost her balance, plopping down hard on the carpeted floor.

Sitting to the side, Caleb clapped his tiny hands enthusiastically in encouragement of his sister. Sophia huffed, turning to look over her shoulder at Kensi with an offended expression.

“That was so good, sweetheart!” Kensi praised her. She scooped her up, hugging her tightly. “I’m so proud of you.”

Pushing himself up onto his knees, Caleb stood up and took a few halting steps before he found his rhythm and walked the rest of the way to Deeks. He caught him in his arms, lifting him in the air just as he had every time Caleb had managed the feat.

Sophia squawked in apparent outrage, pushing herself out of the comfort of Kensi’s arms. Using Kensi’s knee to steady herself, she stood up once more, taking steps with determination in her eyes.

Kensi hurried over to crouch beside Deeks with her phone, capturing Sophia’s first successful steps. He held his breath, afraid to say anything and ruin the moment. When Sophia reached him, she fell into his chest, and he tucked her close, hugging her tight. Kensi hugged her from the other side.

“That’s my girl,” he murmured.

Caleb voiced his approval in a series of jargon, patting Sophia’s hand with his.

“Nothing like a little rivalry to inspire, huh?”

“I guess that’s just another thing they got from us,” Kensi said wryly.

“Rosa’s going to be sad she missed this,” Deeks sighed.

“At least she can watch the video. And I bet Miss Sophia will be happy to give another demonstration.” Kensi squeezed Sophia’s foot, and she smiled, showing off a row of perfect white teeth.

After a couple more minutes, Caleb crawled out of Deeks’ lap, swiftly followed by Sophia. They crawled over to the play kitchen set against one wall.

“You know we’re going to be in real trouble when they get this walking thing down in a couple weeks, right?” he asked.

Kensi sighed heavily, hugging him around the waist. “At least they haven’t learned how to climb yet.”

[ejzah]

A/N: Small one for today!

***

Most Ardently, Part 3

“Hey kiddo, are you ready?” Deeks called out, walking into the small dressing room where he’d left Caleb to put on his shoes while Deeks finished putting on his suit. That had been fifteen minutes ago and the chapel was starting to fill up. “All the guests are here and grandma said Kensi’s waiting for us.”

He didn’t get an answer, but he heard a soft inhalation. Looking around the room, he finally spotted a pair of black shoes peeking out from behind an upholstered chair. He moved around to see Caleb crouched in an impressively small crevice, arms wrapped around his knees, and head turned to the side.

“Caleb, what’s going on?”

Caleb lifted his head, looking like he’d gotten caught red-handed. When he didn’t say anything, Deeks lowered himself to the floor. Roberta would freak out about him wrinkling his pants or getting lint on his vest, if she saw him right now.

Squeezing himself as close as he could, Deeks waited for a few more seconds. “Are you feeling ok?”

Caleb gave a single nod, avoiding eye contact.

“Ok, are you sad?”

A head shake.

Deeks thought about what else could bothering Caleb enough to have him hiding. Ever since Deeks proposed to Kensi, Caleb had been ecstatic, his excitement only growing in the last couple weeks as the wedding date approached. A terrible thought hit him, one which he almost immediately dismissed, but he still had to ask.

“Are you upset about about the wedding?”

“No,” Caleb answered, speaking for the first time, sounding confused and a little outraged by the question. “I want you guys to get married. I love Kensi.”

“Well, that’s a relief,” Deeks said, playing off his concern with an exaggerated voice. Knocking Caleb’s shoulder, he scooted closer. “So what’s going on then?”

“What if I can’t do it?” Caleb whispered.

“Do what?”

“Be your best man. I’ve never been a best man before and this is like the most important day ever, and I don’t want to ruin it.” Now that he started talking, the words came pouring out, almost too fast for Deeks to follow.

“Woah, hold up,” Deeks interrupted. “How could you ruin the wedding?”

“I could make a mistake,” Caleb said, dipping his head with uncharacteristic shyness. “What if I fall down or laugh when I’m not supposed to or drop the rings?”

Taking Caleb’s hand, Deeks gently tugged him so they were facing each other. “Hey, you are not going to mess up. And even if you do any of those things, no one will care. The only thing that will ruin the wedding, is if I don’t have my best man by my side.”

“Really?”

“Absolutely.”

Caleb considered for a few more moments, then wrapped his arms around Deeks neck in a tight hug.

“I love you, dad,” he said.

“Love you too, kiddo. Now come on, we’ve got a wedding to get to.” Deeks got to his feet with a groan, offering his hand to Caleb, who took it with a small smile.

[densi-mber]

A/N: Takes place post Deeks’ injuries in 10x01, “To Live and Die in Mexico”.

***

A Moment of Weakness

Deeks grabbed a glass from the dishwasher, filing it with water. He was a little embarrassed at how much effort the simple action took. Everything exhausted him right now, but he didn’t feel dizzy or completely nauseas for the first time in days, so he planned to take advantage of the reprieve for however long it lasted.

Slowly, he worked his way through the rest of he dishes, lining everything up on the counter first. After relying on Kensi for everything the last few weeks, it felt good to finally do something.

Kensi walked in just as he slid the last glass into a cabinet.

“Baby, you’re supposed to be resting,” she protested.

“I’m fine. A few dishes aren’t going to kill me,” he said, continuing to sort out knives and forks.

“You don’t have to. I can take care of the dishes, the laundry, and whatever else needs to be cleaned.” She joined him at the counter and pushed the silverware to the side. “Please, go sit down and I’ll get you some lunch.”

“Kens, you’ve been waiting on me hand and foot. You have to be tired. I mean, you barely even had a chance to recover yourself,” Deeks argued, ignoring how heavily he had to lean on the counter to not visibly shake.

“Mine weren’t as bad as yours. C’mon, you don’t want to set yourself back,” Kensi insisted.

All the frustration of the past weeks spilled over, and he snapped. “Oh that ironic coming from you. I seem to remember you falling and gashing your leg in because you tried to walk with half your body paralyzed,” he bit out. He knew it was cruel, but he threw in one last jab. “But sure, I’m the one pushing it.”

Kensi’s mouth opened slightly, her eyebrows narrowed in obvious hurt and shock. In the next moment, her face blanked, the only obvious emotion in the flashing of her eyes.

“Fine.” Her voice shook ever so slightly. “Do it yourself then.”

Pushing past him, she stalked out of the kitchen, and he heard the back door slam a few seconds later.

“Damn it,” Deeks hissed, leaning over the counter. “What is wrong with you, Marty?” As quickly as it hand come, his anger disappeared, replaced by remorse and disgust with himself. His head hung low between his shoulders as he replayed the hurt on Kensi’s face.

He didn’t know if Kensi would even want to hear an apology from him, but he had to try. He found Kensi in the backyard, curled up on the love seat. Deeks walked around to face her, not taking a seat; he hadn’t earned that yet.

“Kens.” She lifted her head from her knees, and the sadness in her eyes made his chest squeeze.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured hoarsely. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Why did you?” Kensi asked.

“I was…frustrated with how long my recovery is taking and now useless I feel, but that’s, uh, that’s no excuse. I—”

“I forgive you,” Kensi cut him off.

“What?”

She shrugged, her eye softening with understanding. “I wasn’t the most patient or wonderful to be around after my coma. In fact, I was pretty awful to you.” She patted the spot beside her, waiting until he sat next to her to scoot closer. “Sometimes we say and do things we don’t really mean.”

“I do appreciate everything you’re doing for me and I have no excuse for what I said,” he said, pulling Kensi against his side. “And I promise I won’t say anything like that again.”

“I know you won’t,” Kensi murmured, resting her head on his.

***

A/N: And we have the first angst of the season! Deeks may be a touch OOC here, but pain and injuries, particularly TBIs can bring out unexpected responses.

[densi-mber]

A/N: The fluffiest of fluff. Set while Kensi and Deeks are at Mammoth.

***

Winter Wonderland

“Ok, the head is a little asymmetrical,” Kensi said, head tilted to the side as she examined their mostly constructed snowman.

“It looks fine to me,” Deeks said with a shrug.

“If we add a little more on this side, it would be perfect.” She made a gesture to indicate the slightly flat right cheek.

He felt a rush of affection for her right then. Her perfectionism came out to play even during a silly little winter activity.

“It’s a snowman, Kensalina. They’re literally made of a substance that melts, so I don’t think it needs to be a work of art. Unless you can ice sculpt any never told me, in which case, I will be thoroughly impressed.”

Sighing, Kensi stopped gather up snow and crossed her arms. “Well, he looks a little sad right now,” she said, and she did have a point. They’d given him a pair of uneven stick arms, but he didn’t have a face or any other definable features.

“I think I have know the perfect thing. Come on.” Deeks grabbed her hand and they ran back inside the cabin, collecting whatever they had on hand. There weren’t any carrots, so they settled on a long pepper, a few tomatoes, and some potatoes. Deeks contributed the scarf and hat his mom gave him as a gift this year.

They came back out with their bounty, giggling as they added random vegetables to make a face and buttons. When they stepped back a few minutes later, Kensi made a choked sound.

“Well, that certainly is a unique snowman,” she decided. The smile had ended up crooked, the tomatoes eyes too close together and giving the impression it was glowering at them.

Deranged was the more appropriate word. Deeks broke into full on laughter, falling into Kensi’s shoulder.

“Oh my god, we created a demon snowman,” he gasped.

“It’s kind of cute,” Kensi protested.

“Uh-huh, until it comes and haunts us in our sleep.”

“You’re ridiculous.”

“I just don’t want to get stabbed by a—” He broke off as Kensi gathered up a handful of snow. “Kensi, I know you’re not going to hit me with a snowball without any warning.”

Grinning at him, she raised her arm and aimed, and he ran, letting out a yelp when a piece of tightly packed snow hit him squarely in the arm.

“No fair attacking a defenseless man!” he called out, hiding behind the snowman. He quickly formed his own snowball, popping up to throw it at Kensi, who wasn’t fast enough to escape it hitting her in the back.

The battle continued until they were both breathless and covered with powdery snow. Completely exhausted, Deeks fell back onto the packed snow, arms splayed out at his sides. Kensi walked over to him, dropping down beside him, and rested her head on his shoulder.

“Perfect,” she sighed.

Deeks couldn’t think of a better word to describe the day.