#same with my heart problem. me when i am chronically ill

[ellisglazer]

FALLS TO MY KNEES. STARTS SOBBING. STARTS HYPERVENTILATING. STARTS SHAKING. EXPLODES MYSELF. THROWS UP BLOOD. STARTS HAVING AN ASMTHA ATTACK. HAS A HEART ATTACK. PHYSICALLY MUTILATES MY BODY INTO A HEART SHAPE. TEARS MY ORGANS OUT. KILLS MYSELF.

[jadedbirch]

May is Ehlers Danlos Visibility Month!

And I am here to represent my fellow Zebras (i.e. people with EDS and HSD) and talk about some stuff that I wish people who don't have chronic illness would understand about connective tissue/collagen diseases.

1. Unless you're looking for tells, you probably won't know by looking at me that I'm ill. I don't use assistive devices (right now), but intermittently there are periods when I'm unable to walk or move in other ways. You won't see me out and about on those days.

2. Just because we look "fine," doesn't mean we're not in pain.

3. Pain is not always the worst part of EDS. I can say in my case the worst part has been the chronic fatigue, which is honestly debilitating, and is definitely not the same thing as a healthy person being "tired."

4. All Zebras have different symptoms. Even within my own family, there's a very wide range of how it manifest. Most Zebras have at least 2 or 3 comorbidities, which can include dysautonomia, bowel issues, heart problems, neurospiciness, and much more.

5. Even though it's a chronic illness, there are things that can help improve symptoms, especially over the long term. But different things do or do not work for different people, so just because acupuncture really helped your cousin Susan, doesn't mean it'll help me. Also EDS patients can't be treated transdermally because of science that I won't go into here (but I'm happy to in a separate post), so please stop telling us about the newest CBD cream.

6. I said this in a separate post, but it bears repeating. If you're looking for something to say to a chronically ill person to convey your sympathy and best wishes, your script should be along the lines of: "That sucks/I'm sorry. I hope you find something that helps." Don't offer unsolicited advice, and don't rose-colored lense us about how you're sure doctors will figure out how to cure us.

7. Which brings me to my last point. All of us have been repeatedly failed and/or traumatized by the medical community. To paraphrase Cortney Gensemer, not every patient has the spoons to advocate for themselves and not every doctor is willing to listen. Ask the Zebra in your life what you can do to support them, especially with going through medical appointments and constant treatments (most of which may not work). I know I needed a lot more support than I ever asked for, but at least I had the scientific knowledge to advocate for myself, especially in the early years pre and post diagnosis.

Thanks for reading and here's a link to the Ehlers Danlos Society if you'd like to learn more or donate.

[thebibliosphere]

Sorry if this is an obvious question but with the impending doom stuff- how different is that to. Hm how to phrase this. I have a sort of long term foreshortened future thing going on with my illness where I'm Always certain I'm going to die soon, and sometimes I get periods of Oh it's Getting Closer. I don't really feel afraid, but I tend to seek medical help anyway just in case- and in most cases something is wrong. Usually I have a virus.

But I don't really know how to categorise that feeling seperately from depression? And people talking about calm acceptance in Sense of Impending Doom resonates with me. But I'm always worried about mentioning this certainty to doctors because they tend to already think I'm making shit up/overdramatic.

Sorry for rambling. Point is- do you know much about a longer term "sense of Impending doom" ?

Possibly. Hm, let me see if I can put this in words.

So, my near-death experience in 2019 was a slow, drawn-out process largely facilitated by medical neglect. I knew something was Wrong in my body, and no one was listening to me. I knew it was going to kill me soon, but again, no one was listening, so I just kind of... quietly got my shit together. It felt gradual but inevitable. Creeping. With hindsight, that was my organs slowly winding down. Horrible feeling.

But that was very different from what I will now categorize as Immediate Impending Doom, which sort of hits like a tidal wave. It's weird to say it's an urgent-calm feeling, but that's what it is.

It's a very now feeling. Like, death within the next twenty minutes to an hour. It's the difference between "This will happen soon, get your affairs in order," and "This is a medical emergency; pay attention. Now."

Which I also have to differentiate from the "something is wrong" feeling I get as a chronically ill person when something new pops up.

I sometimes get what I think of as "warning flashes." My immune system is overreactive thanks to my mast cells being little malfunctioning bastards, so when I get sick with something else, it kicks off my fight or flight due to adrenaline and a bunch of other hormones being thrown into the mix like a Molotov cocktail.

I've had to learn to distinguish that from anxiety/depression because of the nature of my illness (can it be remedied with my meds, does doing grounding exercises help, what are my vitals etc), and I imagine it's the same for other chronically ill people, even if they don't have my specific immune problems.

A virus or something else will absolutely stress out an already stressed nervous system, and it can send you into a feeling of fight or flight, which can feel a bit doom-y.

But the Impending Doom they talk about with heart attacks, strokes, anaphylaxis etc, etc, is a very immediate and all-consuming feeling. The "soon" you seem to be describing seems to be "it'll happen sooner than later" but the Immediate Impending Doom is "right the fuck now." Is that right? Did I pick up on that, or am I way off?

Gah. I'm still probably doing a very bad job of explaining this.

[dreamscapesofimagination]

A/n: there is no love here yet for Jiro and i need to fix that bc mans is my top fav. We love a tall, sciencey man w hot girl tummy problems over here.

Formatted weird bc I am on mobile!

TW: Fluff! Jiro is a bit insecure. He is also head over heels. Ending kinda sucks bc i couldn't think of how to end it lol

Synopsis: Jiro thought he knew a lot about you- average blood pressure, enzyme values, how your lungs sounded beneath the stethoscope- turns out you are also a talented artist.

-------------

The floorboards creaked as Jiro stepped inside, thankful Yuri had been awake this morning to give him his medication before he had to come do this health check.

Without his meds, he knew he would have to scurry away quickly, and his condition would prevent him from sharing a small breakfast with you.

He didn't quite understand his feelings for you- sure, he knew how endorphins rushed through his system around you and triggered the increase of his heart rate.

He knew the scientific reasons behind his attraction- he just didn't know how to react to it. The two of you had been in limbo- not quite together but closer than just friends.

He knew you reacted the same to him- could see it in the way your heart rate would be erratic on the EKG when he would do it (Yuri had banned him from being around when your heart rate or blood pressure were monitered, and today Jiro was just to draw blood and ensure you appeared well) , or the way your cheeks would warm up when his fingers brushed your skin.

His eyes scanned the church, taking in the homey feeling you had created since moving in.

Plants littered some of the pews, and you had cushions placed around for the cats.

He could hear the shower running, and assumed you were in there. While he waited, he wandered across the old room to set his bag on the desk.

He began pulling out his supplies, before sighing when he realized he had forgotten his pen.

Surely you had one in one of the drawers?

He slid the top one open, eyes widening at what he saw.

A drawing.

Of him.

He carefully pulled out the sketchbook, unable to take his eyes from the drawing as his heart hammered in his chest.

He looked focused in the drawing, and he imagined you had drawn him from one of the times he had helped you study.

Flipping to another page, he felt as if he couldn't breath.

Him again, awkwardly scratching the back of his neck.

You had talent, and you used it to draw him, a chronically ill ghoul who struggled to hold conversations even with people he liked.

"Jiro?" the sound of your voice caused him to whirl around, guilty he had been snooping.

His breath caught at the sight of you standing there, in a tanktop and pair of shorts, toweling off your hair.

"I-uh- I was just waiting for you to finish, Yuri sent me to take some blood samples and make sure you are well,"

He winced internally at his stumbling words, feeling his stomach turn at his increased anxiety.

"I don't mind you looking at them, you're just so pretty and I wanted to draw you," a blush coated your cheeks at your admission.

He opened and closed his mouth like a fish out of water, feeling his own cheeks burn.

You thought he was pretty? Half the time his already pale complexion was sickly due to his condition (and lack of sleep), circles that nearly matched his hair rimmed his eyes- not to mention his frequent bouts of nausea.

He jumped when your hand waved infront of his face, so lost in his own thoughts that your closeness had gone unnoticed.

"Ji, you okay? I'm sorry if I weirded you out." your voice was sheepish and oh so sweet, round cheeks burning with embarrassment.

He quickly shook his head, "no, you just surprised me. I've never really had someone be interested in me."

Jiro's voice was matter-of-fact, and clearly he was not searching for sympathy.

He had accepted his differences, and his schedule didn't exactly leave room for romance- nor did Yuri think such frivoloties were necessary. It wasn't until he met you that the consideration that he may be missing out had even entered his thoughts.

Yuri had even noticed, urging Jiro to just ask you out if only to stop distracting him with his 'mournful, pathetic expression and moony-eyed stares.'

Jiro had never really noticed nor cared about the captains absence of bed-side manner, though that comment had made him very aware of it.

"Well, now you do. I know you're very busy, but maybe one of the times you're free you'd like to do something?" you chewed your lip as you asked, n action he had long since learned you did when you were unsure of yourself.

An action that caused all his attention to fall to your lips, wondering what they would feel like.

"I think that would be enjoyable," his words came out softer than he intended, and your bright smile after his words caused his already hammering heart to nearly stop.

He wasn't sure he'd survive a date with you, but he would need to be incapacitated to not accept the offer.

[sundrop-writes]

girl omg your lesson for a genius fic has me on my KNEES

that was by far one of the best spencer fics ever and I already re-read it so many times 😭😭

also, I saw that you write fanfics for gally?? my babygirl deserves this appreciation bcs I find it so hard to find fics with him and I am starving for one

I've been saying this man is fine, specially in the third movie. I WAS SALIVATING WHEN THAT MAN APPEARED ON SCREEN

do you have any recs of fics for him or are you planning on writing something?? (I'm just curious, no pressure, ik most of the best works come spontaneously)

anyways, love your writing sooooooooooo much xoxo 🫶🫶

I am so glad that you liked Lessons For A Genius!!

I can tell by your message that you're new to my blog, so let me explain to you The Situation:

Yes, I am writing for Gally and I have some fics for him in my drafts. I have two fully completed fics for him in my drafts.

And you're probably thinking - "wow, that's great!"

There's The Problem.

Whenever I write a fic, I have to edit it before it's posted. And I knooow so many people must think "Sunny, you don't have to edit your fics" - you don't see what my fics look like before editing. One of these days, I really need to post a section of one of my fics before and after editing to demonstrate what I mean.

It's full of run-on sentences that make no fucking sense and are exhausting to read - like literally, I will just yap on so that one single sentence is 200 words long with absolutely no periods or breaks, and most of my time editing is adding periods and transitions between sentences. Beyond that, I often write when I am having severe brain fog due to chronic illness, so I spend a lot of my time editing clarifying ideas so that they actually make sense. I could write something in a fic that says "he was dying" - but I know I didn't mean that the character was actually dying and I don't want the audience to think that, what I really meant was something like "he was so wrecked with emotion that he felt like he was dying, his heart weighed down with grief" - and I need to clarify that to the audience.

Also, my chronic illness causes me to make a lot of dumb mistakes sometimes. Sometimes I will write 'bumble' when I meant 'stumble' or I'll write 'pay' when I meant 'day'. Or I will just miss an entire word in a sentence where it's important.

So basically - editing is very important. Most of the reason that people think my fics are good is because I take my time to edit them. (And I do always encourage people to do the same, because I think way more people would be way more confident in their writing if they followed the 3 step process and actually make drafts instead of rushing a fic for the sake of being able to post it faster.)

So currently, I have 2 completed Gally fics in my drafts, and they are stuck in jail because they have yet to be edited. And I don't know when I am going to find time to edit them in order to post them.

So - yes, I am going to be posting stuff for Gally in the future, but I have absolutely no clue when

[chronicallyuniconic]

No purpose, just pain.

Do you remember your first obsession? Your first love? The first event that filled you with so much excitement? Your first holiday? That time your favourite game you've been waiting years for, is here next week? The hobby you took on like it was your purpose in life? maybe you got married?

That 'thing' where it was alllllll you could think about. You'd spend hours trawling the Internet or even books for anything to do with your new 'thing.'

Your stomach would flutter with excitement, your heart would race with anticipation. The closer you got, the bubbling anxiety would build to the back of your throat & you pace around your home opening and closing the fridge until the day arrives.

*throws 🔧🔧🔧*

My "first thing" is my illnesses & their many many varying symptoms. All I can think about is how awful I feel, every minute of every day and somehow I'm not(?) dying. [How/Why?]

It occupies my every thought. I spend and have spent countless hours scouring the Internet, medical journals, buying books written by doctors, finding actual doctors, to find answers, help, guidance, a drug maybe.

I've found an online community that has helped me feel less alone but none of us have rarely found answers. When we are given answers we are told to just deal with it, usually with OTC meds because there is no help for what we have, apparently.

We are a community on the slowest moving boat you've ever seen, rocked by our pain, our cries, our wait, our hope, that one day we are seen and our illnesses are given the recognition, research and funding they desperately need.

My stomach does not flutter with excitement anymore, it's a string of stomach and bladder problems that are ignored*. I'm not dancing with excitement, I'm jolting with nerve pain that is ignored*. I'm not searching up anything anymore because the 10kg weights on my eyelids & the sedative that seems-to-occupy-my-blood, send me to sleep.

*{When symptoms are ignored that means they are never addressed, studied, tested, looked at, are put under an umbrella term for your chronic illness and that is where you will remain}*

I can't "pace" my way through the pain-filled days because I am too weak & exhausted, filled with heavy lead bones & lead blood. When I try to go back to my 'thing' I am distracted by the pains & fatigue & the fact that no help is coming, even from myself.

"How can I paint a flower when I'm being struck by lightening with every breath & stroke of the brush?"

I've put my all into finding ways to make the best of my symptoms, to manage them, understand them, come to terms with them, accept my new body and what it wants or needs. Yet I've failed to nail any real reason, finding, bodily requirement or pattern that makes it manageable or predictable.

Pain diaries, food diaries, bathroom diaries, sleep diaries, how many diaries over these years will/does it take for a result? A conclusion? Blood tests, urine tests, tests tests tests that provide the same information but no further action. How many needles does it take for further assistance?

All of this & I'm told to be happy, be grateful. I'm told to just take each day at a time when each day is the same, breathing, pain filled void, achieving nothing, trapped behind 4 walls. I'm told I'm not trying hard enough or that I can't give up.*

[apparently being sad about your symptoms means you have given up]*

How does one go on when they have nothing left of energy, no path to turn, no doctor to just "get it," when there is no way out of this trap.

How does one carry on with no purpose but pain?

If you got this far, thank you. This has taken me some days to write up💜✨

[issuesdolly]

VERY sad recent personal experience- need to vent

hey folks.... I had to vent to the empty Tumblr space about a very upsetting/confusing recent experience. I have a TikTok where I make JD/Korn related content as well as vids of myself about my life and some comedy stuff of me.

Well, few months ago, a guy found my videos and followed me and seemed to care deeply about the health advocacy videos I put up regarding my terminal + chronic pain illness. He invited me to speak with him and after seeing him on vid + in person, he looked VERY VERY SIMILAR to Jonathan Davis in his 30s... as well as being a huge JD/Korn fan. So yeah him 36 me 33.... living nearby each other. He could even do some good JD vocal immitations when we'd be singing along to the songs together and stuff lol. So.... y'all can imagine how that made me feel lol.

He told me for months he thought I'm beautiful... that he likes me and wanted to get into a relationship. I was pretty much blown away. I was like "seriously????" cuz... it felt like a dream or something haha. I explain over and over again about my failing health and educated him on all that is wrong with me.. testing him....and he was still supportive saying he accepts that that's where it's at for me and still wants to be with me. When I'd had worse flairups he said lovely things like "I wish I could take your pain away," and I would say stuff like "you do... as much as anyone can." Which was true. I was falling for him for sure.

We started spending more time together and he started talking about wanting to hook up. Obviously, I wanted that more than ANYTHING IN THE WORLD HAHA. But... I got scared saying "you are extremely attractive to me but I'm afraid to just hook up.... I'd like to get to know you better first??" because believe it or not... as pervy as I am in my writing, I'm VERY careful in my real life where my physical safety/men are concerned. And where my heart is concerned.

BECAUSE this guy was SO good looking I had to think "I wonder how many women/people he's trying this with????" Him being single and wanting to spend his life with a dying lady seemed too good to be true. He also spends a lot of time out with friends and going to concerts and clubs while I'm bedridden so I had to wonder what he's really up to when I'm not around. Basically I was being appropriately skeptical. And also didn't want to get heartbroken if he saw the vulnerability of my situation knowing I'm very sick/depressed and he reminds me of JD.

I admitted I'm VERY attracted to him and definitely want to fuck him lol.... but want to be careful and spend more time with him before getting into that.

Obviously after I wasn't moving "fast" enough... the JD- lookalike guy has kinda stopped responding to my messages or caring as much. He went from bombarding me with conversation to ghosting for days. Which obviously means he never cared about my health problems + life in the first place. I've been pretty devastated...Since obviously my fondest hope before death would be to meet someone awesome who REMINDS me of Jonathan or the things I like about Jonathan (or at least appreciates his music).. Feeling STUPID and pretty heartbroken. I was with one man for 10 years and that relationship ended this February but what has transpired now has actually cut me deeper than the end of my 10-year relationship.

Also this JD look alike guy has been the ODDEST experience of my life too BTW.

NOT even kidding that dude:

-came out of nowhere.. messaged me

-pursued ME not the other way around

- looked JUST like Jonathan besides dreads but he has long black hair, thick rim black glasses, same height/build/facial hair and how he had it cut. I even asked friends and family showing them pics like "AM I NUTS OR DOES HE LOOK LIKE JONATHAN????" and they were like "he could be a fucking impersonator of early 2000s JD . WTF no you're not nuts"

And yeah this dude spent months acting like he cared about me saying stuff like "I'm always here for you... you can always reach out to me...." "Anyone who loved you would never leave you due to poor health and I accept your health problems and still REALLY like you and want to be with you" or "I'm grateful you're in the world don't give up." FML.

[heartshattering]

I feel like I've messed my health up and there's no going back.

Yes, I took NSAIDs to deal with chronic headaches and migraines, TMJ pain, endometriosis cramps, and back pain, because 1 - a previous doctor who didn't want to give me anything else for the pain told me it was fine, 2 - I stopped being able to go to physical therapy, and 3 - I was balancing trying to graduate while being the caregiver of my terminally ill grandma in her last stages of life and didn't have time to practice other pain relief techniques.

Yes, I eat basically every food on those "Top Worst Foods for Digestive Issues" lists, because I don't have time to make a special meal every time I'm hungry while I'm taking care of my mom. Yeah, eating greasy chips and double stuffed Oreos and chocolate and other things I don't have to cook isn't good for me and I know I have trigger foods and should be following one of those low FODMAP diets and spend time meal-planning or whatever but I feel like I can't get my life in order. I struggle so hard to stay on top of other things, I don't want to obsess over every single thing I eat and have to cook 3 special meals a day for myself every day.

Yes, I overdo it with caffeine. It's a shitty dependency I've had for a long time which led me to having to see a pediatric cardiologist and get prescribed heart meds since before I was even in high school. I've been hospitalized for heart arrhythmias in my 20s and I still take too much caffeine because I'm always tired, sick, can't focus, and the doctor told me I couldn't take stimulant medication for ADHD because of my history of heart issues. Add on top of that the fact I have two parents from the "We don't believe in ADHD, young people just need to focus better" generation. So I fuck myself up with massive amounts of caffeine instead because that totally makes sense. And (surprise surprise) caffeine is another thing you aren't supposed to take when you have IBS (and almost every other health issue I have). But I do it anyway.

Going on sleep meds wasn't ideal. I have stopped other ones before and I'm weaning off my current one. But doctors still blame me for having taken them in the first place, don't see how much effort I put into gradually trying to sleep more naturally again, and just assume the worst from me and say I'm doing reckless shit like drinking alcohol while on sleep meds or driving after taking them (I don't do either of those things, on or off meds, but especially not on them). As soon as doctors find out about my home life and things like my mom being paralyzed and the fact I lost four of my family members in one year, they automatically think I'm abusing the sleep meds and lecture me on stuff like "Doing that isn't going to fix your grief/depression :/" and don't understand how difficult sleeping while dealing with severe OCD phobias and compulsions that get worse at nighttime is.

I stay up late because I can hardly get any work done during the daytime. I can only follow a sleep routine for so long until I run into a night where I have to catch up with my work because my aunt randomly stayed for a week, or my mom had an emergency, or whatever else. Same used to happen when I was a student taking care of my grandma, too. I suck at managing my time and I'm constantly overwhelmed, I feel like at any second I'm going to mess everything up and disappoint everyone.

I know I haven't been great to myself and that I have all sorts of habits that haven't been ideal but it's just been so hard to get help. I was made to leave the local psychiatric center because my problems were considered "too severe" for them to handle. It feels like no one wants to deal with me and that they just see me as a lost cause even though I'm trying. Really, I am trying. It's just so hard and I feel like too much of a mess all the time.

[gamecubiee]

thanks for making this post about dni in pony town i thought it meant like some fraction or something and i kept talking to those people :( ill refrain from doing so next time!! thank you!! if you have any other things about ponytown do you have any other things in ponytown to keep in mind? im so new to this game its not funny

oomfie (i know you might not be a mutual but the nickname is nice so) i've known about this game for a while (i think a couple years??) im still learning stuff because i bareellyy play it. like. i dont even know good techniques for pony creation. i think the best thing to say is just, dont be a asshole . which with this ask i can tell you arent going to have a problem with that, bless your heart note that everything here is probably going to be a bunch of rambling im so sorry

i am NOT an expert on what goes on around ponytown all i know is that no matter how "chronically online" an online touch trigger is (DNT "Do not touch") , people should still respect it instead of harassing people for it. Harassing someone for it does not make you a hero, it does not make you some good guy. No little Timmy- you are just being a massive prick on a game based off a kids show.

With communication in ponytown its actually kind of difficult because either everybody is already talking to someone, or someone doesnt want to be talked to, so often when I play i often find myself sitting alone kind of just hanging around. I mean it gives me time to relax since my anxiety spikes when i join cause im immediately thrown into this huge crowd but like. Ive found it so difficult to engage in conversation. There is the "Looking for chat" status but. i dont think people use those very often.

Everything is more of my personal opinion than an objective fact

In regards to designs, inspiration is okay as long as you have permission i think. I mean, it is common decency to ask. Probably. But I dont think for one singular thing, such as a color choice, you should have to ask.

If anybody wanted to, they could use this color combo. Because I do not own the concept of these colors. I also do not own the concept of a half default pony, go wild readers. I used the striped markings for only the back legs and colored them the red, and then the pants option.

But anyways, same with pony cosplays. People dont own the characters, but they did think of the way to design them as a pony. Ask permission before taking inspiration if you are going to take heavy amounts of inspiration.

(Wheatley from Portal 2.)

I hope I pieced my thoughts together well enough, im actually kind of sick right now so it might not make sense but?? long story short just. dont be a shitty person, respect boundaries, etc

[winterferger]

[I was thinking a lot about the things that I wrote up for my niblings, and the last one made me stop and have to consider it. So this one is just as much for me as it is for them.]

So let's say a person seems like they have a few green flags, and you've not really been able to pinpoint any red flags in particular. Your only problem is how you feel. If your feelings are keeping you from getting close to someone, that is valid. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with them, you don't have to take it out on them. But it does mean there's something about the relationship that makes you feel as if you're not at ease, and you can't have trust if you can't feel trust.

This isn't saying you should make yourself, or pretend very hard. It means that there's something way more complicated going on with how you feel about them than you're realizing, and you shouldn't force anything.

I'm also chronically ill, as you know. I take medications that one late dose makes my heart race. One bad breathing day and I sound like I'm having a panic attack. Therapist's tell you to listen to your body but in my case, I cannot recognize my body as telling me what my emotions are. There are too many things that go wrong.

So here is what I can see in my own behavior that says I'm too anxious to pursue this relationship.

If I'm constantly wondering if the person still likes me is the most basic. That should be either obvious, or you shouldn't care that much. If they're not showing you enough reinforcing 'I like you' behaviors, or if you're not compatible enough to read their signs, or if you're having to manually check on this frequently, then you need to really think about why you're feeling that way, what about them makes you feel that way, and are you two on the same foot.

Another one was that sometimes I'd delete messages right after I sent them, or I'd go back and delete old chat logs, because I wouldn't trust their reaction upon reading my message or I wouldn't want to be reminded of something that I said. If you do that, that means your interactions aren't smooth and comfortable. At worst, it means you suspect they might be manipulative or aggressive. At best, it means that you are so anxious about them that you have trouble properly communicating.

I've mentioned before that I've had friends that try to make me jealous. So I'm much more aware of when I start feeling like someone is 'trying to replace me'. Now, you can never be replaced. No person is replaceable. But sometimes, some people leave you feeling like you might be. This isn't always intentional, but if you do start feeling like that, you aren't all that secure in your friendship.

I might start to read too much into something they say. I love sci-fi, horror, and superheroes. I make a friend that likes horror and superheroes, but doesn't like sci-fi and they say, 'I can't get into sci-fi, I just don't like it.' When I am totally okay with a person, this is no problem for me. It goes into the rolodex of 'Don't recommend a Star Trek thing and only show a bit of information with context." But sometimes someone will be like, "I hate 'actor' his voice grates on me," and I sit and wonder about how they know I love actor. Are they indirectly telling me that they don't like me?! Are they trying to push me away?!

If you start to feel like that, then you need to again re-evaluate where you stand.

Sometimes I would pay way too much attention to someone's schedule, like without it being a pre-arranged thing I'd make myself available at times they might need me. Like I would go out of my way to keep space for them in my head and in my life, even if they didn't need me in that moment. Just because they might? Don't. If they need you, they can ask, you can arrange it together, you can put your reminders on your phone. If you're afraid they will get angry if you're not there at the drop of a hat? That's not great. If you're worried they'll stop relying on you for help? That's also not great. There's no good reason why you should bend to fit yourself to someone else's convenience.

And the biggest, huge, amazing sign that there is something wrong? You start getting sick around them to the point that you notice that it's around them as a person or a topic. With bodies that kind of just turn on you at the drop of a hat anyway, like I mentioned, anxiety is hard to read. But sometimes you're so anxious over someone it's obvious that it's them that makes you sick. And you start looking for some sign of approval JUST because you might feel better.

You shouldn't try to keep a person happy because the chance of their rejection is harming you. That's not a good relationship. Even if it's just the stress of not knowing that is the harm, you shouldn't let that go any deeper.

There are times I've felt this way and I've been wrong. And there's been times I've been right. I had a boy in college that would ask me out on dates and would keep standing me up, and I kept making room for him. He finally admitted that he was standing me up so that I'd 'get a hint'. But there's also been times I've assumed someone didn't like me because they didn't like some of the things I've loved. I have had friends put words in my mouth even after I took a lot of pains to carefully guard my language, and I've had actual seizures stressing over a crush.

This is why when I ask, 'Are you okay?' That question is so valuable. Saying "I'm fine" to yourself is a disservice to a question that can make all of your relationships better if you face it honestly.

[sleepingarchangel]

A letter to a distant friend

Hi love, it’s been a while. I’ve been in and out of society it seems. By society I mean social media - I was on a roll and very present until I wasn’t. Truth is, since mid to late January I’ve been on what seems like a gradual decline of a mental journey. What I thought was one bad low point turned into two, and then three, and then I realized I felt like I didn’t want to live anymore. Life didn’t hold any wonder anymore. My usual self-care practices weren’t working, and my weekends were filled with more and more uncontrollable emotion. When I wasn't crying or snapping, I was sleeping. I usually protest naps, but there was not much desire to be awake and live. Sometimes, I was only awake out of necessity. Lucas had to pick up some more responsibility as there were some days where I couldn’t move, like my soul had somehow tethered itself to the couch and to get up would feel like losing everything within me. 

It wasn’t like that all the time though. 

One other thing that’s been kind of weird - my chest has been experiencing moments of tightness, as if I had a layer of lungs outside my own that was holding in air. And my heart seems to like to run at its own pace of 150 beats per minute sometimes… it's very annoying to say the least. 

I’ve been asking myself ‘is this my mid-twenties existential crisis?’ or am I just hungry? Or pregnant? Or PMSing? Well I’m not pregnant, and I’ve had my cycle, and I eat a lot - almost too much. The symptoms persist.

Doc said I have anxiety, and I also scored to have some degree of depression. I wouldn’t describe myself as an anxious person at all and I’m not an overthinker where it doesn’t matter. I only overthink things that need it. I blame (and I use the word lightly) my new job.

I love my job - I’m six months in at this point - and it has great flexibility and I don’t have to juggle four or five patients or some other ridiculous unsafe number at a time. I’m a nurse case manager for home health, and I manage somewhere around 20 people at a time. I get the question of ‘what do you do’ a lot. Honestly it doesn’t even matter what I do, I’m more impacted by who I do it for. I work in the city and see a lot of shambles of houses and living spaces, and I meet a lot of families desperate for help, and I see a lot of patients who were dealt a hard hand in life. I’ve mitigated poor family communication and have family members rant to me about each other, some cursing and swearing, others on the verge of breakdown. I’ve coordinated with doctors who are horrible at responding and others who are fantastic, and I’ve had weeks where I’ve asked for something from a clinic over and over for a patient only to make zero progress. You may ask ‘what does that have to do with working in the city?’

Honestly, a lot. Being a case manager in the suburbs, I’ve done it before, and response time is the same day if not the next day. Demographics have something to do with patient outcomes regarding their health. And people in the city are just crazier. Like cuckoo crazy. There’s police chases and shootings at night in the areas I work. Yes, I’ve had gunshot wound patients. 

My job is hard, and it’s taken other people telling me that to realize it. I’ve been a caregiver of some sort all my life - I don’t have to try to care for most cases (there are some that challenge my empathy). I just care - and there’s no other reason for it other than they’re human. The difficulty is that I’m learning to care without taking it home with me, without making it personal, without automatically wishing I could fix everything. 

Here's where I overthink: problems I can’t solve. 

I sit on them FOREVER wishing someone would do SOMETHING because I can’t. And sometimes I feel guilty that I can’t. I can’t fix a family dynamic or chronic illness or terminal cancer or lack of a suitable 24/7 caregiver. I can’t fix financial problems or loneliness or a hoarded house. I have my backpack, stethoscope, and gauze. Yeah let’s slap some gauze on that chronic 9/10 pain that keeps you from getting out of bed in the morning and even eating basic food. The pills can’t fix it, but maybe gauze will! 

I be handing out gauze like a school nurse does an ice pack. Not actually. But like that’s what it feels like sometimes. 

I haven’t even touched on the cases where their life is on the line (they could quite literally die or be seriously injured) but they flat out don’t listen to you, or you don’t hear from someone for a week when you’re supposed to be seeing them 3x per week. They’re special ones, those patients. You can’t force them, they’re independent, so sometimes you watch some people give up on life.

I used to talk about my cases and the frustrations, but I quickly realized I’m just draining everyone around me with it. If one emotionally or physically messy friend can be exhausting to worry about, imagine having 20. Imagine listening to me rant about 5 circumstances of people a day. Imagine being in my husband’s position every night coming home. I can’t do that to my friends or family and I’ve been learning to cut myself off before I elaborate further into my work life. I’ve honestly resorted to saying ‘I don’t want to talk about work’. Some people press a little more and I talk, but I feel a little guilty talking about it. I wonder if they can handle it, or if they can trust God to carry me instead of worrying about me themself.

My emotions can’t anymore. I just can’t handle it. My battery is so empty so often. 

I’m learning to trust God with patients and letting it go, but it’s a daily lesson. And some days I’m letting it go but I’m still just so tired… seeing so many people in the condition they’re in it’s just factually difficult. Like it’s just hard to look at and walk into - like you ask yourself ‘how are you living like this?’. I’m learning the burdens aren’t mine to carry but are God’s. I’m learning my limits - the fact that I have limits was a lesson in it of itself. I’m learning how to reserve energy for my husband because he should be getting the best of me, not the roadkill. I’m learning to say ‘no’ even if I wish I could say ‘yes’. I’m learning I wish women went back to being at home to practice literature and the arts and wearing pretty dresses. 

I digress. I don’t actually wish that. Not all the time anyway. 

Why don’t I move to work outside of the city? Go back to the ‘burbs? 

Answer: God called me here, and these people need help the most. I can’t walk away after what I’ve seen. Not completely anyway. I’ve talked to my manager and I'm going to shift to having approximately half my cases in the suburbs and half in the city. Other measures included starting a medication, but after learning the copay is $120, I’m not inclined to stay on it for long-term. The med doesn’t kick in till 4-6 weeks after starting it. It’s mind boggling being a healthcare employee and patient at the same time - but that's a discussion for another time. I’ve restarted counseling, but that’s also pricey… I’ve done two sessions so far. I felt better after the first session, and then the second session I didn’t really have anything to talk about. I guess maybe I’ll see if insurance will cover some of it for me to go monthly. 

Some might argue because I’m a nurse we should be able to afford it, and we can, but there’s this thing holding me back called ‘student loans’. Add some sparkle into that. 

👋😀 ✨Student loans✨ 😀👋

I’m praying about it and I’m back to studying my Bible. Studying - not just reading… but this is going to be a process. Some days I feel so empty all my head is screaming is ‘help me, please, someone help me,’ as I do something as mundane as walking around my apartment. Other days I’m painting and life is normal and good. I just want to go back to the way I used to be, when life was beautiful and wonderful not because everything is perfect, but because it’s alive and living and time moves on which makes it valuable. Life is still worth living, I fully believe that in my heart. I just lost the desire to continue. I wanted everything to stop because somewhere back in the timeline I must’ve metaphorically buried Mikela in her cases. I don’t know how long it will take to get her out, but she will get out, I promise.

[adamfinchley]

HEART REPAIR AND DIGESTION PROBLEMS

Just like a well-known television presenter and game show host, I very recently had a life-saving heart procedure that involves a stent implant. 

In my case, it was two stents, each in different parts of the same artery. In the press it was reported that the presenter had received emergency heart surgery. But it’s not as dramatic as opening the chest cavity and exposing the heart. 

When revealing your heart operation scars after this procedure, all you can show is a pin prick on the wrist, little more than the size of a small pimple. 

This is the entry point for the tube that is pushed all the way to the heart. When this fine tube reaches the blocked artery, a balloon is inflated to allow the stent to be positioned. 

I’m now a great fan of this type of micro-surgery that has given me another shot at life. In the presenter’s case his symptom was a needle and pins in his arm. In my case it was the gradual loss of feeling in the lower leg and an increasingly annoying shortage of breath. 

The difference is staggering. And when I returned home the next day, my wife told me that I must forever onwards be more careful about my diet. But then this advice seems about as useful as the advice she gave me as I was being led into the angiogram clinic. The advice then was to be careful. 

When I thought about that, I realised she should be directing that advice toward the surgeon and not me. 

And as for the advice about future diet, I am not obese and the clogged up artery probably has little to do with my previous eating habit but more to do with some hereditary problem. 

We humans are born with a unique genome system that changes with our gut microbiome, our lifestyle, medication we may be on, and the immune system we have built up during our life. 

High cholesterol and too much iron stored in our liver, along with heavy smoking, doesn’t help with angina, but like so many illnesses, most of us born with a greater susceptibility to certain health problems than others.

We can have the best healthy eating habit imaginable, but it doesn’t mean we wont suffer some chronic health problem at some point in our life. Death, after, has to claim us all at some time. 

Intestinal problems are common to us all. It may be minor and it could be lethal. There’s a big difference between constipation, piles and colon cancer. 

Keeping the colon clear helps prevent many problems. Food goes through our whole system usually in around thirty something hours. A new trend is with us called the five-two diet. 

This means eating five days and not eating the next two. This kind of fasting should mean the digestive system is completely empty for the best part of a day. Other methods include supplements such as Oxy Powder that releases nascent oxygen through the medium of magnesium oxide and citric acid.

You don’t even need to try the five-two diet to enjoy the cleansing benefit of Oxy Powder that brings relief from many minor gut problems.

[vamptastic]

Gonna go through this point by point since I'm a big nerd. Everything below is information that my endocrinologist has confirmed is true, but I myself am not a doctor I just like reading studies for fun. I can link studies for individual points if anybody wants them.

-Libido: Yes, testosterone generally will increase your libido. It varies a lot from person to person though.

-Bone issues: Going from having high levels of testosterone to low levels can cause osteoporosis (loss of bone density). This is generally more of an issue for trans women on estrogen, but it could be a risk for trans men coming off of testosterone after a long time being on it. The risk is pretty small though, most likely if you stop T after a long time, you will just have to do a bone scan and then possibly take low-dose hormones to treat it if you start having any issues. Being on it, there should not be an issue. And it is again, still very rare (5% for trans women iirc, mostly older women). Menopause for cis women causes a similar level of risk.

-Heart issues: Testosterone increases your risk of cardiovascular disease to what it would've been if you were a cisgender man, basically. That means if you are not already at risk for it, your risk is minimal. This is generally only a concern if you already have a family history or an existing heart problem.

-Hypertension: Cis men have higher blood pressure than cis women, so going on testosterone may raise your blood pressure. This should not be an issue unless your blood pressure is already chronically high.

-Infertility: This is partially true but understudied. Longterm testosterone therapy might reduce your chances of pregnancy but it's far from guaranteed to prevent it and you can still become pregnant on testosterone. If this is a big concern for you longterm you may want to look into freezing your eggs before starting it.

-Emotionally unstable: This is very individual. For me, I really did not notice any difference in my emotions day to day, but I am also mentally ill and take medication for it, so maybe it's more noticeable if you're starting from 'normal'. Anecdotally, most trans men report being happier and calmer on testosterone since it improves their self-esteem, but a common issue is having a harder time crying. If you are mentally ill you probably will want to be in therapy when starting the medication if this is a big worry for you, and in most of the US you need to be in therapy to start it anyway.

Some other commonly discussed symptoms:

-Breast and ovarian cancer: There is no causative effect from testosterone on risks of breast and ovarian cancer. However, there is a small correlation although studies are small and scarce. Most endocrinologists attribute this to transgender men being less likely to get screenings for these types of cancer due to dysphoria and medical discrimination.

-Clitoral growth: Clitoral growth is not guaranteed but pretty common. Most importantly this is not reversible so if you are uncomfortable with it you should ask your doctor what your options are to prevent it. However it's worth saying that if you did not have a large clitoris to begin with the growth may not be very noticeable at all, particularly on a low dose. Some people do have quite prodigious growth though so just do your research and know what you want in that regard.

-Voice changes: This is also not reversible. It is very unpredictable and can vary a lot depending on dosage and how your voice was before. For me, it dropped to a male register within two weeks of starting a low dose, but I have PCOS so my sensitivity to testosterone is different. For a friend of mine, it took a higher dose for it to happen, with his voice the same register for years on a low dose. Your voice might also still sound 'feminine' in a lower register because of how you are used to talking- you might want vocal training if you want your voice to sound unremarkably masculine. Most likely you will first notice the loss of higher notes (and voice cracks) before the access to lower ones. It can also mess with your singing voice if that's important to you, although you can relearn how to sing. Once your voice starts cracking it still takes months for it to be consistently deeper, so you can stop the treatment if voice change starts and you don't want it.

-Body hair: Again, very individual. If you're blonde for example, you might not see a visible difference. If you were already hairy like me, your body hair may become visibly darker and more obvious. Most likely you will grow hair in areas it may not have been before like the stomach and chest. Facial hair is possible but not guaranteed, for me my already visible mustache got darker and hair came in under my chin and around my sideburns, but it's very far from a beard. If you don't want to have any facial hair or shave, you can pursue electrolysis treatment, but you should plan for some light hair on the face at least.

-Hair loss: Very individual. If you notice your hair thinning or receding, you can stop hormones or take another medication like finasteride to prevent it. My endocrinologist did advise the former for me given my PCOS but it would really depend on your individual wants from HRT. Mostly it depends on your family history and stress levels.

-Weight gain: This is likely to occur but it may be the formation of more muscle (weighs more than fat) or the redistribution of fat from a female fat distribution to a male one. Personally, I take medication to treat an underlying condition that causes weight gain (PCOS) and didn't have any. If you're concerned I would ask your doctor for advice specific to you.

Other thoughts:

-Generally speaking transphobes wildly over exaggerate the negative health effects of hormone therapy. There are some preexisting issues that may make it inadvisable to start at all, like blood disorders and hypertension. For some conditions, like diabetes, it requires more frequent testing and monitoring but usually is not an issue. But if you are not prone to the specific issues that hormone therapy may exacerbate you are going to be completely fine. It does not cause any health problems on its own, but rather increases your risk of specific problems to levels similar to a cisgender person with natural levels of the hormone.

-There are multiple ways to administer testosterone. You can do intramuscular every 1-3 months, subcutaneous every 1-2 weeks, or daily testosterone gel every day. Intramuscular may need to be administered by a nurse, and you can opt for subcutaneous administered by a nurse if you do not want to do the injection at home. In my experience, the subcutaneous injection process is very easy and supplies are easily available if you look for things marketed towards diabetics. It would depend on your personal preference in regards to routine, comfort with needles, and whether you want a steady dosage or are okay with your levels fluctuating a bit.

-Testosterone does not prevent pregnancy. It is also not guaranteed to stop periods. If wanted, you can take oral mixed contraceptives and compensate for the estrogen dosage in your testosterone dosage, take progestin-only contraceptives in the form of pills, injection, implant, or patch, or get an IUD. Progestins are a female sex hormone but do not generally have a feminizing effect, although there is not a lot of study on it.

-Depending on where you live you will most likely receive a massive scary stack of paperwork when you start testosterone. Read it and ask your doctor about whatever looks concerning to you. Many states in the US put information that is factually untrue or wildly exaggerated on paperwork in order to scare people out of the treatment. Mine basically gives you an ad for conversion therapy.

hey, Velvet Nation, I have a friend looking into T -

I just know basically no actual information about it and i’m honestly too nervous to ask. I’ve heard it messes with your libido, causes bone issues, heart issues, hypertension, infertile, and it apparently makes you very emotionally unstable

Can anyone give some basic information and correct these things he's heard from TERFs? Love you all. <3

[fangsup-cobrastyle]

Chronic Illness in Folie à Deux

I'm coming apart at the seams

Doc, there's a hole where something was

Butterfly bandage, but don't worry / You'll never remember, your head is far too blurry

Restrain that man / He needs his head put through a CAT scan

I'm a loose bolt of a complete machine

I'd promise you anything for another shot at life

Nobody wants to hear you sing about tragedy

We had a good run, even I have to admit / Life's just a pace car on death / Only less diligent

Even the young ones become irrelevant

Why, why, why won't the world revolve around me?

Head like a steel trap / Wish I didn't, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't, I don't / Just want to be a footnote in someone else's happiness

Keep a calendar, this way you will always know / The last time you came through / Oh darling, I know what you're going through

It's a sign / What if you peaked early?

I gotta feel the wind chill again before I get old

You can only blame your problems on the world for so long / Before it all becomes the same old song

As soon as we hit the hospital, I know we're gonna leave this town

I can't explain a thing / I want everything / To change and stay the same/ Oh, time doesn't care about anyone or anything

Only get lonely when you read the charts

Oh baby, when they made me / They broke the mold

I will never believe in anything again

Said 'I'll be fine till the hospital or American embassy'

I want it so bad, I'd shoot the sunshine into my veins / I can't remember the good old days

My body is an orphanage / We take everyone in

Are all the good times getting gone? / They come and go and go and come and go

I'm not a crybaby / I'm the crybaby

A caterpillar that got stuck / Mr. Moth, come quick with any luck

I can make your heart slow / I can feel the weather in my bones

Not the boy I was / The boy I am is just venting, venting

I'm a young one stuck in the thoughts of an old one's head / When all the others were just stirring awake, I'm trying to trick myself to fall asleep again

Mama, if we don't take the medication / We won't sleep for days

Permanent jet lag / Please take me back

Give me a pen, call me Mr. Benzedrine / But don't let the doctor in, I wanna blow off steam

Don't feel bad for the suicidal cats / Gotta kill themselves nine times before they get it right

I'm a nervous wreck / The drugs just make me reset

Knock once for the father, twice for the son, three times for the holy ghost

[jdgo51]

DAILY DEVOTIONAL FOR SEPTEMBER 22, 2023

In Our Suffering

By Elly Cantrell Gilbert (Kentucky, USA)

READ LUKE 13:10-13

Jesus said, “Woman, you are set free from your infirmity.”

LUKE 13:12 (NIV)

"I have a chronic illness. When my disease is active, I look for anything that will provide me with a little relief. Before I had the necessary surgery and got on an appropriate treatment course, I was very sick for about a year and a half. During that time, I tried just about every over-the-counter option I could find to ease my suffering, and, of course, none of it worked. Fortunately, my illness has been in remission for about 10 years now.

I can’t imagine suffering for 18 years like the woman in today’s scripture reading. She was forced to go through life in pain, unable to stand up straight or to interact freely with people. In biblical times, the woman’s disfigurement would have brought not only pain but also shame and stigma. And yet, Jesus saw her and called her to him.

The same is true for us. No matter what our struggles may be, Jesus sees us in our suffering and calls us to come close to him. Our healing may not be instantaneous like it was for the woman in this passage. But we can trust Christ to see us and, as we respond to his call, to set us free from the problems that trouble our hearts." Jesus calls us to Him. He desires to be there for all of our life experiences and will give you assistance in every way possible. Rely on Him and you will be extraordinarily glad.

TODAY'S PRAYER

"Healing God, may we never fail to praise you for the good works you do in our lives. Thank you for seeing us and for loving us, no matter what troubles we face. Help us draw closer to you every day." Amen.

Luke 13:10-13

"'10 Jesus was teaching in one of the synagogues on the Sabbath. 11 A woman was there who had been disabled by a spirit for eighteen years. She was bent over and couldn’t stand up straight. 12 When he saw her, Jesus called her to him and said, “Woman, you are set free from your sickness.” 13 He placed his hands on her and she straightened up at once and praised God."' In the instance of the disabled woman He ended her 18 years of suffering immediately. Sometimes our struggles with illness or inconvenience occurs for a time, but if we seek the Lord to help it will work out with perfect timing. I am so blessed! Praise God! Joe

[green-birdyy]

Mental Health is the ‘Cinderella’ of Health Care.

Who would have thought this would be me 3 weeks down the line? It’s already midterms and I still remember the first day of fieldwork like it was yesterday. My heart was thumbing out of my chest and my thoughts were running wild, anxiety and doubts knocking the walls down, asking myself Sizwe, why are you still here? If you ask me, how am I still coping, I will tell you open your eyes and let me take you to fieldwork’s days of adventure.

‘NO HEALTH WITHOUT MENTAL HEALTH’

To recap on Cinderella’s story, we find that her kindness allows her to be selfless. She was mistreated and disrespected by her stepsisters and stepmother. Her generosity helps her to overcome all her problems and fears and allows her to marry the prince and then achieve success in life. To cut the story short, Cinderella is seen as a heroine and she inspires all the independent young woman in the world.

About 14% of the global burden of disease has been attributed to neuropsychiatric disorders, mostly due to the chronically disabling nature of depression and other common mental disorders, alcohol-use and substance-use disorders, and psychoses. Mental disorders make a substantial independent contribution to the burden of disease worldwide.  Non-communicable diseases are rapidly becoming the dominant causes of ill health in all developing regions.

Having provided brief research about the contribution of mental disorders to many other communicable and non- communicable health diseases. One can note that the primary health an individual should seek is mental healthcare because it is the core link to the other health disorders. To reintegrate the story of Cinderella to the point made on the abovementioned statements; Mental health is the ‘Cinderella’ or the ‘Hero’ of healthcare. The exact same way Cinderella is the main tree that yields fruits of many young independent women who are able to overcome all gender-based abuse, fears, and all other circumstances. Also, mental health is the key to overcoming, many of the physical health disorders.

TAKE HOME MESSAGE:

CHOOSE MENTAL HEALTH

Mental health includes our emotional, psychological, and social well-being. It affects how we think, feel, and act. It also helps determine how we handle stress, relate to others, and make healthy choices.1 Mental health is important at every stage of life, from childhood and adolescence through adulthood.

Gender-based violence - including rape, domestic violence, mutilation, murder, and sexual abuse — is a profound health problem for women across the globe. One of the leading causes of this pandemic is substance and alcohol abuse. When an individual is stressed, it affects their mental health which results to them making bad decisions such drinking too much alcohol which then leads to many bad actions and health conditions including T.B and HIV.

Therefore, it is important to take care of yourself mentally to ensure a healthy life.

And remember there is always ‘Light at the end of the tunnel’. One day it will all make sense.