#she just does not care about a gerbil in a box

[tea-time-terrier]

The most important pichael activities.

[magicstar16]

Invader zim Sitcom au (Part 2)

Okay so this is gonna go over all the other famlies. For characters who’s last names I don’t know I just gave them random last names.

The membranes: AKA The next door neighbors who get a spinoff later or something 

Professor Membrane: Doesn’t change much besides from being actually supportive this time. He’s like how he was in ETF. He’s still a successful scientist, but the “Smartest man in the world” thing is only just a title now. He let’s Gaz and Dib help him during some of his experiments as a fun, family bonding activity. (This does not mean they’re all safe, they can still be pretty chaotic, such as that one time where the house got overrun by gerbils). He still has robotic limbs from the shark incident, the incident actually left him deathly afraid of sharks (Yaaaaayyy PTSD)

Dib Membrane: Still a feral little paranormal investigator, he Zim go on crazy paranormal-hunting adventures together (YAAAYY Zadf), which Gaz joins sometimes. Sometimes it just ends up like a scooby-doo mystery where it turns out nothing supernatural was actually going on, sometimes they actually find some sort of paranormal thing. A lot of they’re hangouts are paranormal investigations. Dib’s still feral but he’s still calmer and more rational than Zim, while ZIm is much more rash and impulsive. Though Dib’s still more of a logical thinker, while Zim is a much more outside-the-box thinker, so they work well together. Sometimes they’ll butt heads and their competitiveness flares up again, but it’s more of a friendly, chaotic rivalry.

Gazlene “Gaz” Membrane: Gaz is a lot like how she was in the comics, still a jerk, but she still cares about her brother. Her care commonly shows in anger born of worry, she’s pretty much 80% of his impulse control.

Clembrane and Foodio 3000: Clembrane was a clone made by membrane so that membrane could get more stuff done, but the cloning didn’t go so well, which is why Clembrane is the way he is. Clembrane just ends up doing housework, and has an odd fixation on pudding. (Professor doesn’t know why, he thinks it might be because that was one of the first thing they taught him to cook that came out edible). Foodio’s pretty much the same, but was instead created as a robo-butler to clean the house and do chores when membrane was to busy.

Skoodge Brians: Zim’s best friend besides Dib, he’s gullible, but he’s got a good heart and he means well. He’s also a strong boy, physically and emotionally. He, Zim, Dib, and Gaz make up a ragtag bunch of misfits and stand up for eachother togther, and go on their own misadventures. Skoodge takes the bullying he receives in stride because he tells himself (Or at least tries to) that they’re just empty insults. He’s usually the shoulder to cry on for the group. He’s the type of friend to just let himself into the house if he’s close enough with whoever lives there (I.e, The Membrane sibs and Zim).

Tak Vessel:  (I wanted her surname to be a reference to her ship in the show. Vessel is an actual surname, albeit rare, and is a synonym for ship). Tak is a transfer student from the UK (Hence her accent) causing occasional culture shock for her (”IT’S NOT CALELD SOCCER! IT’S CALLED FUTBOL!!!” “Tak please it’s just a game). She’s kind of a bully who usually targets Zim, but mostly because he keeps ticking her off. She does have her soft spots for the Membrane siblings and her little sister Mimi. She holds some begrudging respect for Skoodge for putting up with everyone’s BS, her included, she can’t even imagine having that kind of patience. She mellows down if you get on her good side and can be a good friend when she wants to, She’s not much of a bully as she is just able to go from 0 to 100 real easily. 

Minerva “Mimi” Vessel: Tak’s “creepy” little sister around Gir’s age. Tak is really close to her,  which comes as a surprise to most people since Tak is seen as the kind of person who’d bully their little sibling. Mimi is a creepy little Satan child, at least at surface level. She checks all the boxes on the creepy little kid list. She doesn’t talk, she has big ole eyes that stares into your soul, she usually plays or sits alone, and is into some dark things, like she’s the kid who’d read the original tale after watching a disney movie, and would prefer the original. But deep down she’s just shy. She opens up to Gir later in the series, and usually lets him talk for her (Either by whispering in his ear and having him repeat what she just said, or communicating in sign language and having him translate, Gir’s translations are the same quality as google translate, not entirely accurate but you can get what she’s trying to say if you connect the dots). Mimi only speaks when she deems it necessary, since she has a stutter and a bit of a lisp when she speaks, which she’s really insecure about.

Tennessee “Tenn” Michaels: (I know literally nothing about Tenn please forgive me) A lively girl who’s kind of a ditz, but always tries her best and is quick to know when she’s made a mistake. She’s a friend of Skoodge’s so she knows the main squad just by proximity. She’s much more of a girly girl then Tak and Gaz, but they humor her because it makes her happy. Her parents run a daycare which she helps with sometimes, although “Help” usually means “Be offered as a sacrifice to a bunch of insane toddlers” in her eyes (Kinda like being sent tons of defective sir units in the show, except she’s only stuck with them until they’re parents pick them up). Sometimes she joins the main squad with they’re paranormal investigations or general shenanigans, but usually she can’t because she’s busy helping her parents at the daycare. She’s pretty much the only main character who’s not unpopular and has more then 4 or 5 friends.

Floog Gregor: Floog is a shy boy who’s also friends with Skoodge. He’s timid but he tries to be a good leader, and he’s even vice president of the student council at Skool. He looks up to his Dad, Theen, who’s a commander serving in the navy seals. Floog doesn’t get to see his dad very often, at least not in person (They do things like phone calls and video chat, but it’s not the same) Floog knows that his dad’s very busy, and that he has to sacrifice family time for his job. But since Theen’s a navy seal (I’ll keep it vague where Theen is serving specifically because I don’t want to offend anyone) Floog feels selfish for wanting his dad to come home, because of this, Floog has a tendacy to put others before himself. Like Tenn, Floog sometimes joins the main gang in their misadventures, but he’s usually too scared. When he does join them, he’s the most hesitant to do anything, and pretty much takes orders from the others. He’s pretty much the Shaggy of the group.

Minimoose: The Invaedirs pet cat. (I made him a cat because cats go “Nyah!” like Minimoose) He’s a chubby lil good boi who waddles and causes trouble and cutes his way out of it. Zim found him in a dumpster and named him “Minimoose” because according to Zim, he looks like a miniature moose. Red and purple thought the name was stupid, Gir liked it, Miyuki thought it was hillarious, Spork didn’t really care, so Minimoose got his name via majority vote. Zim’s the closest with him, and Zim even talks to Minimoose sometimes. (”MINIMOOSE! Red pushed me again, how can I get him to stop pushing me?! “Nyah” “Good Idea Minimoose! Putting Red down means I WOULD get pushed less!” “Nyah” “Yes Minimoose, I love you too.”)

[zrtranscripts]

Home Front, Mission 30: Daddy Lessons

Necromancy

~

SAM YAO: Okay Five, you're outside Thurman's bunker. There's a... there's a lovely occult sigil of uh... a bleeding eye on the door. And we don't know what's inside, so warm up just in case. Stretch, jog on the spot, whatever you need. I want you ready for anything. [sighs] I wish I could say I'm not scared, but I know we're both scared. It doesn't feel like three days since you got out of the underground village, does it? It-it sort of like feels like-like a couple of hours and also about two years.

Okay, briefing Janine-style always seems to help me focus. I have carefully checked every single camera in Spectrum Mall, but there's been no sign of Thurman since he left you in the dumbwaiter. Zombies don't notice him, so maybe he went out into the horde? The point is this might be our only chance to find out more about him. Specifically, how he can be in two places at once. Oh, and oh yeah, the bunker's locked with a code. The tape you took from the longevity research lab says where it is. Give it another play.

DR. MCBRIDE: April 9th, 1991. Dr. McBride. I've heard keeping a diary can help one make sense of things, and I refuse to lose my mind. Seven months ago, Artemus Thurman fired me for excessive altruism. Weeks later, I watched on my sofa as he attempted the highest ski jump ever built. I was willing him to fail, but only so he'd embarrass himself. I still see his neck snap when I close my eyes. I saw his funeral on the BBC News. It felt like I’d killed him, somehow.

Except two weeks ago, Thurman turned up at my door in the middle of the night and forced me at gunpoint to come with him back to my old lab. It's deserted. He won't explain how he survived, only says, “Prepare the bunker for my son. He'll be here once the dust's cleared, and there are things inside that explain everything.” The gossip pages say his son hates him. He wasn't at the funeral. Maybe he knew it was fake, but I can't say that to Thurman. If I disagree with him on anything, it's like he doesn't even hear me. I'm too afraid to argue.

He's different now to how he was before, some sort of monomania, and he keeps talking about the occult, secret knowledge that will help the chosen to survive. He asked me more than once if I would participate in the ritual with him, and I'm too afraid to answer. There's something else I'm afraid of. Thurman left tins of food, but they're running low. If he doesn't bring some more soon, I'm opening the bunker myself. He told me often enough the code for the bunker is engraved on the frame of Brandon's portrait in the Thurmanville labs.

SAM YAO: Stop the tape, Five. It gets a bit grim once McBride realizes Thurman's locked her in the lab and all he's sending her is plastic fruit. Okay, I'm looking for a portrait. Mmm... Ah! Yeah, I can see it. Boy in a suit, but uh, the actual face has been cut out. That's creepy. Still, I've got the bunker code on cams. It's um, 1875. Oh, that didn't work. I'm missing something. Keep warming up, and I'll figure out how to get you in.

~

SAM YAO: Okay Five, I've worked it out. The bunker lock’s electronic and the power's down, but the door's hooked up to the generator, so you just need to crank it up with some bicep curls. So press your elbows into your sides, forearms down, palms facing forwards. Grab the bar with both hands. Now it looks heavy, about the weight of a couple of tin cans? Now bend your elbows to lift the crank to your shoulders, then lower it back down. Careful, don't hurt yourself. It should take a minute.

Janine's been looking into some occult stuff since McBride mentioned it. She says Thurman was probably using fear of the supernatural as a way to control and manipulate his employees. She also says 1875 is the year that occultist Aleister Crowley was born. The occult sigil on the door, I wonder if it was from one of Crowley's books. Apparently, Crowley wrote about being in two places at once via astral travel, but the occult isn't real. Janine says, "There will be a rational explanation, Mr. Yao," and she's right, obviously. But there's something seriously weird going on.

Okay, you've got the generator working, Five. Try the code again. 1875. Yes, the bunker's open, but you might want to crank the generator a little longer. Don't want the power going out while you're inside.

~

SAM YAO: All right, Five, time to enter Thurman's bunker.

ARTEMUS THURMAN: Brandon! Here at last.

SAM YAO: That's a recording, Five. Brandon was Thurman's son. He obviously thought only Brandon would make it in here.

ARTEMUS THURMAN: I trust your journey to post-apocalyptic England wasn't too arduous. I'm serious. If it's still a nuclear wasteland, go to the decontamination suite for three weeks and reread my autobiography. You've got a lot to live up to. You can't just rely on your Thurman genes. They're diluted by your mother’s. Penelope raised you to be a sissy, mommy's boy.

You were almost six when I last saw you, and you didn't even know how to box. I hope that black eye taught you a lesson, and the wasteland has hardened you. Regardless, I've prepared tests so you can prove you're worthy of meeting me. If you fail, you'll die, and good riddance. I'd rather have a dead son than a weak one.

SAM YAO: Five, a dart just flew past your face! Another by your knees! Uh, quick, do some jumping jacks to avoid them. Uh, feet together, arms by your sides. Now jump, spreading your arms and legs in the air so you land in a star shape. That dart almost clipped your ear! Jump back to the starting position. Keep doing those and the darts will miss you.

ARTEMUS THURMAN: Still alive, Brandon? These darts are tipped with poison, you know. Ever see The Running Man? Contestants fighting to the death on television, a marvelous idea! The weak are punished and their deaths set an example. Televised combat is just what this country needs. Gladiatorial battles for children, now that's an idea! Get rid of the weak early and stop them growing into giant wastes of resources.

SAM YAO: [sighs] It's over. What was wrong with Thurman? He's treating this like some kind of joke! I mean, it's one thing to prepare for the future, but this... ! [sighs] I hope wherever he is, Brandon never gives his dad a moment's thought. Head to the next chamber, Five. If any more darts fly at you, just keep jumping.

~

SAM YAO: There's an arcade cabinet in this chamber. Must be another test from Thurman for his son.

ARTEMUS THURMAN: With discipline, strength of mind, and secret knowledge, one can live forever. If you prove worthy, Brandon, I'll tell you about it.

SAM YAO: Oh, I hate to send you further into that... that bastard's lair, but we have to know what he knows, Five. He's too dangerous, and he's fixated on you. We've got to find out how to stop him.

ARTEMUS THURMAN: Ever heard of The Grimoire of the Empyrean Oracle, Crowley's lost manuscript? Explains how to harness occult forces to make reality bend to your will. I bought it for millions, memorized it, then burned it. Couldn't have anyone else reading it. Sharing is for commies. Besides, they say the book is cursed. Everyone who owned it before me died horribly. Starving, thirsty, trapped and alone. You know why? Because they were unworthy!

You must prove you have the right values. Approach the arcade cabinets. Behold, a computer rendering of Karl Marx. Before you are two buttons, Hero and Parasite. Press the one you think describes Marx. Get it wrong, and the room fills with poison gas.

SAM YAO: [laughs] I'm pretty sure Thurman thinks Marx is a parasite, Five, but the buttons have corroded. The levers on the floor are all that's left. You can't stop looking at the screen, I need your head cam, so um... Okay, yep. Lunge and hit the lever with your knee instead. Stand with your feet together. Now step forward with your right leg and lower your back knee so that it almost touches the ground. And raise back up.

ARTEMUS THURMAN: That's right, Marx was a parasite, and you've exterminated him! Here's Ayn Rand.

SAM YAO: Ugh! Um, yeah, I think Rand wrote a book called The Virtue of Selfishness. Hit the hero button. Lunge with your left foot this time.

ARTEMUS THURMAN Keep going, Brandon! Here's Robin Hood.

SAM YAO: Looks like Thurman's alternating heroes and parasites, so keep lunging with alternate feet. Go!

ARTEMUS THURMAN: Ah, Henry Ford. Tore down 5,000 square miles of rainforest to build a private rubber production colony. Excellent man. Yes, Brandon, exterminate those parasites! Halfway there. Oh, Dickens. Reagan. If you become half the man he is, you'll almost be worth the time I've spent on you. You've done it, Brandon! If you'd made a single mistake, I'd have gassed you like a rodent.

SAM YAO: A door just opened, Five! If anyone else pops up on that screen, keep lunging. Otherwise, press on.

~

SAM YAO: Oh, there's an altar in this chamber, Five. I wonder what that's for.

ARTEMUS THURMAN: The Grimoire of the Empyrean Oracle explains how to harness animal spirits through ritual sacrifice.

SAM YAO: Of course. Yeah.

ARTEMUS THURMAN: Your mother disapproved, Brandon. Called it torture. Well, now's your chance to prove you don't hold with the stupid ideas about animal rights. Release the hounds!

SAM YAO: Oh, well surely there aren’t live dogs here. Oh crap, Five, robotic dog heading right for you, glowing red eyes and razor blade teeth! Quick, punch it! Stand with your feet shoulder width apart, left foot back, fists up. Now punch with your right fist. Nice shot, Five! Keep hitting it with your right fist.

ARTEMUS THURMAN: "Save the whales!" Penelope used to say. Hogwash. What have the whales ever done for us? Ever wondered what happened to your gerbil? Rat poison. Taught you a lesson about wasting resources on useless creatures.

SAM YAO: You've taken down that robo-dog, Five, but there's another one! Right, switch stance so your right leg is behind and punch with your left fist. Go!

ARTEMUS THURMAN: Prove you have the stomach to continue Crowley's work. Show no mercy, Brandon!

SAM YAO: Five, I hope your knuckles are okay after that. Keep going, we've got to know what this grimoire actually did. And if you see any more robo-dogs, you know what to do.

~

SAM YAO: Right, I just searched for Brandon Thurman on ROFFLEnet, but nothing came up, not even gossip like McBride mentioned. It's like he never existed. Everything about this family is so... just twisted and wrong.

ARTEMUS THURMAN: Getting my hands on that grimoire was no picnic, Brandon. Had to hold my nose and venture east of the Iron Curtain, spend a week in a basement in Bucharest getting a man who refused to eat or drink to tell me what he knew. There wasn't much I could threaten him with, but I found his weak spot in the end. [laughs] After he told me what he knew, I followed Crowley's trail to India. There are carvings under a temple in Hyderabad, tied all my research together.

Immortality is there for the taking, Brandon, you just have to work for it. You can exist in two places at once. Think about it, working twice as hard, making twice the money! I bulldozed the temple, of course. Full of stupid warnings. The grimoire states that to conquer death, you must overcome an attempt on your life, value strength over weakness, and sacrifice those less valuable than yourself. And at last, you have to be willing to kill.

You're nearly there, Brandon. I'm almost proud of you. I've been testing you all your life. Never sent your mother a penny. Wanted to see if you'd grow up self-reliant. And when I saw that article about you in the FT, “Teenager establishes paper route pyramid scheme,” I knew I'd been successful. There's only one thing left, Brandon.

The staircase ahead bears blood sigils. It is a shrine to the god Moloch. He demands the sacrifice of love, so as you ascend, you must renounce all that you love, as I have renounced you. Only then will you be granted power over death. Speak the words carved on the stairs as you ascend.

SAM YAO: “I vow to sacrifice to Moloch that which I love. To starve, kill and...” What the...? Don't say any of that stuff, Five. Don't even look at it. Just climb the stairs.

~

SAM YAO: Okay, you're outside the last chamber, Five. Almost there. And yeah, your way back is clear. You can get away if anything's... bad. There's a glass coffin inside.

ARTEMUS THURMAN: Well, Brandon, you've found me. I'll be taken here after my death. Of course, since I followed the grimoire's instructions, I won't really be dead, just sleeping.

SAM YAO: The coffin’s bristling with tubes leading to the machines beside it. Dr. McBride worked in longevity research. Maybe this equipment has been keeping Thurman alive all this time. Yeah, maybe he's um... uh, you know, zombie immune because he died, or-or something. Take a closer look.

There's a desiccated body in the coffin. It's uh... Yeah, I'm not imagining it, am I, Five? It's Thurman, but dead. Really, really dead. Oh Five, look at the machine. Every switch has been flipped to off. And is that a note? “See you in hell, dad. B.” Did Brandon come here to turn his dad off? Not that I... [sighs] not that I blame him, really, but... ugh. For his sake, I wish he hadn't cared this much.

Nothing makes sense, Five! If Thurman's really dead, then who's been chasing you? What was that noise? The whole bunker’s shaking!

ARTEMUS THURMAN: Oh Brandon, I've installed monitoring systems. If my state deteriorates too far for me to be revived, I have a contingency plan. See you soon, boy.

~

[aethelar]

The thing you don’t realise when you look at Newt is that he was born a girl. Or - no, that’s not right. He was born a boy, and even when he didn’t realise it he felt uncomfortable and out of place every time he was reminded what people saw him as.

Maybe, he thought as a teenager, hair down his back and makeup lining his eyes, maybe I’m just not trying hard enough. Maybe, he thought, looking at the other girls, there’s something wrong. Or maybe there’s nothing wrong. It’s normal for girls to be uncomfortable in their skin, isn’t it? That’s why makeup exists, why you grow your hair so long the weight of it gives you headaches, why you define yourself by the way other people see you and not by the way you see yourself.

But that was then. He was born a boy in a girl’s body, and when he was fifteen, kneeling in front of the bed so Leta could make a lopsided mess of his hair with the too-blunt scissors from her pencil case, throwing out the revealing clothes he’d tried so hard to feel feminine in and curling up laughing in a baggy hoody that disguised his chest, he became a boy in a boy’s body, and it was good.

It was good. A womb does not define a person. He’s lucky; with his hair short and his binder on, he looks like the boy he knows he is, and for him, that’s enough. He never went for surgery. He didn’t need it. This is not a story about struggling to accept yourself or to be accepted because Newt called himself a boy and he was one, and when Graves learnt that his body was a different shape underneath his clothes he didn’t run screaming for the hills because really, who does that? The sort of relationship that matters to is not the sort the story’s about.

It’s about the sort of relationship that started at university. First day, first term, Newt met Graves on the stairs and Graves offered to help him with the oversized suitcase he was hauling to his room. We’ve gone for a modern AU. No magic. They’re the same age, or nearly; Graves is a few months older. Newt studies science because he’s good at biology but he wants to be a writer, Graves studies history because you shape the future by learning from the past, they live two doors down from each other in first year and in second and third they share a house with three other people and Newt spends more time in Graves’ room than his own, and in fourth year Newt stays on because he changed to zoology half way through and is a year behind and Graves goes out to the world and gets a job and it’s hard to be apart but when they see each other they make a big deal of it and it’s good.

This is a fix it. It’s not fixing canon. Newt is the way he is because a womb does not define a person. It’s a fix it.

They live together again when Newt graduates. A flat above a shop in the centre of town. Not a flat, a maisonette. They have an old cat, one that goes out the window over the kitchen sink and scampers along the rooftops, a sofa made squishy with too many cushions, and an entire cupboard in the kitchen dedicated to an overflowing variety of tea. Graves’ coffee lives on the side. They stay in the flat for less than a year, then they travel; that’s on Newt, who came home one day and said, “I’m going to quit my job and go to South America, do you want to come?”

Maybe it was drastic. Maybe it wasn’t. He doesn’t do well in offices. Graves blinks, and phones his mum, and tells his work, and they offer him a promotion if he’ll stay because fuck it, he’s actually really good at what he does. He chooses Newt. It’s that kind of love story. You have to understand, Graves chooses Newt, all Newt’s failings and all the stupid ways Newt doesn’t fit together and doesn’t understand how people work and the way he changed degree half way through because he has the sticking power of a greased teaspoon and the only thing he’s ever stuck with this long is Graves, and Graves chose him.

I don’t know what needs fixing. I don’t understand. I love Graves. Newt loves Graves. Why does anything have to need fixing.

The cat went to live with Newt’s parents. She enjoys the garden, and Newt fusses about the fact that she needs the expensive tooth crunchies because she’s an old cat. Old cats still need love, they just also need someone to care for their teeth, and when the flat is packed up and moved into Newt’s parents’ loft the box of cat things is left at the bottom of the stairs to take over the rest of the house. As it should be. Newt and Graves travel, and they argue, and in Mendoza Newt throws his hands in the air and says fine, if that’s the way you want to be - and when he storms off, Graves comes after him.

“You muppet,” he says, catching Newt’s hand in his. “You’re going the wrong way.”

Even when they argue, Graves is stupidly sweet. It would be easier if he wasn’t. The problem with things that are nearly perfect is you can’t back away. You’re in too deep to ever give up, and when they come back, they get married. They choose a house with a spare bedroom that could be turned into a nursery. They make a fuss of their old lady at Newt’s parents’ house and decide it would be kinder to leave her where she is. Part of loving a cat is knowing when it would be selfish to uproot their life again just because you want them close, and Newt’s parents’ house is full of sunspots that she likes to sleep in.

In their new house, they have fish. Many fish. Newt names them all, even when they breed, and it breaks his heart to take some of them back to the fish shop because they’ve bred too much and he doesn’t have the space to house them all, but he does. Gerbils, two gerbils, in a big glass tank with a wheel fixed to the back by plastic hooks stuck to the glass. They sit in Newt’s palm and eat bits of courgette, and they like trying to dig their way through his elbow when he’s wearing sleeves. Another cat, a little menace from a rescue shelter who has zero manners and zero regard for appropriate play, but who, slowly, cautiously, learns that Newt is for sleeping on and that Graves is for rubbing her head against and that she can meow to get what she wants instead of going straight for the kill with her teeth.

She isn’t allowed in the gerbil’s room. She learns to open doors. When Newt and Graves thought they’d have to install child locks at some point, this isn’t quite what they had in mind.

“Papa’s little monkey,” Graves says, scritching at the base of her tail while she purrs. “Savaging Mummy, knocking everything off the shelves, what are we going to do with you, hey?”

“She doesn’t savage Mummy any more,” Newt protests. “She’s getting better at claws-in.” Her favorite toy is a sheep-plush tied to a piece of garden twine; Newt dangles it for her and she does a somersault in its general direction and pounces. She only savages now when it rains and she has too much energy to be cooped up inside, and she sits on the windowsill and yowls as though Newt were being too slow in fixing the weather for her to go out and play.

It’s family. Newt is Mummy. Graves is Papa. It’s nothing to do with the fact that Newt has a womb. The house has an extra bedroom, it’s full of boxes at the moment with a random chair thrown in for fun, but it’s meant to be a nursery at some point, and here’s the thing.

Before they got married, they talked about kids. Graves is a softie. He melts. He does the silly voices reading the story books, he picks them up and lets them ride on his shoulders to make them laugh. Cousins. Friends’ kids. It doesn’t matter. He was always going to be a dad, and Newt always wanted to be there with him, and that, like so many other things in this story, is good.

Newt can’t remember how the conversation happened, but. At some point, it came up. Newt has a womb. There is no reason, biologically, that he couldn’t have kids. He loves Graves. At some point, at some time, when it was a thing for the distant future, he said yes.

He said yes.

They tried to have sex that way. Newt couldn’t. Not - no, he could, he’s just not trying hard enough. Maybe there’s something wrong with him. Maybe there’s nothing wrong. He’s been through this fucking trial before and he accepted himself and this isn’t a damn story about that.

He was on birth control. Side effects include loss of libido, among other things. He talked to a doctor, and he said, “It’s fine. He’s fine. He knows I don’t like sex, that’s not the problem, I’m not worried about our relationship. I just... want to give him kids one day.”

He went off birth control. He was recommended a self help book. He was prescribed anti depressents, anti depressents, he’s asexual not fucking depressed and the reasoning, apparently, is that it makes you calm so you don’t panic while it happens and is he meant to fucking roofie himself for the sake of his damn fix-it?

He doesn’t take the anti depressents. He tries reading the self help book and gives up in disgust. His periods come back, and with them the pain and the urge to cry and scream and hate the fact that he can wrap himself in his flag all he likes but flags don’t solve problems like this and Graves doesn’t push, Graves never pushes, Graves understands and brings him ice cream and sits through the most awkward conversations with as open an expression as Newt could ever have asked for and Graves is damn wonderful it isn’t his fault that Newt has a womb and doesn’t want to use it but how the fuck do you fix this mess -

And the place it goes wrong is that Newt says: “What do you think of adopting?”

And the place it goes wrong is that Graves says: “Oh.”

It’s not a good oh. It’s an oh that says, I wanted your kid, not someone else’s. It’s an oh that says, I’d really rather not. It’s an oh that says, there’s no pressure, take all the time you need, but at the end of the day adoption is not the solution you hoped it was.

Why not. Newt brought it up after the first time they failed to have sex, tentative, not pushing. Then he went to the doctor, got his implant taken out, went through all the tests and all the awkwardness until he could get referred to the hospital. The hospital. There’s nothing wrong with him. Being asexual is not a disease. Having a womb and not wanting to use it is not a medical issue that needs to be fixed.

He’s had consultations. He’s had an ultrasound and confirmed that all the tubes are tubing like tubes ought to do, there’s nothing to stop him getting pregnant if he tried. It’s almost a disappointment, that, and when he realises he was waiting for it to be a way out he brings it up again.

“Graves,” he says. “If you want the baby to be yours, would you consider a surrogate?”

“Oh,” Graves says. “I thought the hospital was going well?”

Going well. The tubes are tubing. Newt does not have a disease. Newt does not want to have sex. Or to be pregnant, or to give birth. “You can’t cure asexuality,” he tries to explain, but Graves knows that. “You’re asking a lot of me,” he says next. It’s been over a year since they married. Graves hasn’t been to the doctor about this, Graves wouldn’t be the one growing a baby inside him for nine months. “We both want a family, and I’ve been trying really hard to give you one, but all the compromise is ending up on me and I don’t want to go through with it.”

“But if we adopt,” Graves says, “Then all the compromise goes on me.”

Here’s the thing. Newt doesn’t understand. I don’t understand. A baby is a baby, what do you lose if it isn’t genetically yours? The fish that were born in our tank get taken back to the petshop, the cat that was abandoned by someone else stays in our house and claws up our sofa, what’s to stop you loving someone just because you didn’t make them? You make them when you raise them, you love them because they need you, none of that changes if they don’t share your DNA.

Graves can’t explain. I don’t know how to write him. I don’t know how to fix this. I love him. How can’t he see, how can he be the person I know so well and love so much and not see the months I’ve been going to the hospital, the compromises I’ve already made, how can Graves not appreciate that Newt having a womb doesn’t mean he has to use it, how is this story meant to end?

“Will you talk to someone?” Newt asks. “Someone who isn’t me?”

“Why?”

“Because when you talk to me, I think there are things you don’t say because you don’t want to hurt me. Neither of us want to argue, and it means that we’re both being too careful, and I think that if you talked to someone else you wouldn’t have that to hold you back. I think it would help.”

Graves is doubtful, I think, but he agrees. He’s quiet for the rest of the day. At lunch, he takes himself up to the gerbil’s room that will one day be a nursery and drinks his coffee and Newt leaves him to it, and maybe he’s talking to them about it, who knows.

At lunch, Newt sits by the fishtank with his cup of tea. He opens his laptop. He writes, and he talks to fictional characters, and he starts a story he says is a fix it and ends with it in a jumbled mess.

You can’t blame Graves. You can’t be angry at him. You have to understand, he’s a good man. I love him. Just because he can’t explain why it’s important doesn’t mean it’s not important, just because it doesn’t matter to me that the baby is genetically ours doesn’t mean it shouldn’t matter at all. It’s not his fault Newt is the way he is.

It’s not meant to be anyone’s fault. There’s not meant to be anything wrong with it. He’s always understood that before.

I don’t know what to do.

[tessatechaitea]

Justice Society of America #7 (1993)

The fantasy: old white men are the heroes. The reality: old white men are the villains.

A Facebook memory from my friend Doom Bunny in 2012 came up today that made me cry. Not sobbing or anything! It just made me feel loved and noticed and, sure, proud of my past self. I'm not good at earnestness so please don't mock me or I'll retreat back into the safety of cynicism and sarcasm!

Doom Bunny might have taken the advice a bit too far.

One of the defining moments in my life that helped shape me into a better, more empathetic person was when I killed a massive wolf spider that had gotten into my room and was headed for my gerbil's cage. I caught it in a huge jar to take outside. The spider was so massive you could hear its fangs clink on the side of the jar. I went to go release it outside and was struck by a sudden terror that it would come back. Not the kind of terror that involves life and death decisions. More like the kind of terror that is just a rush of creepiness and discomfort at the prospect of the spider coming back and crawling on my while I slept. So, you know, not terror. But I treated the uncomfortable feeling like terror and decided I should probably kill the spider. Now, if it had been a small spider, I, like millions of people every day, would have probably crushed it without a thought and gone on with my day. But this spider was massive, probably the size of my palm. It wouldn't be a simple swat and done procedure. I tried filling the jar with some kind of cleaner in the hopes of poisoning it but that didn't work. So then I took a stick or something and began smashing it. It didn't die easily. It struggled and it put up a fight and it took multiple attempts to really smash it while in the jar. And even before I had delivered the killing blow, I knew I had made a terrible mistake. This spider didn't deserve this death. This wasn't a struggle to live. This wasn't part of nature. This spider was struggling against the pettiness of one human individual. The spider's only offense: giving me gooseflesh. But once I'd maimed the spider, I had to finish the onerous job. I cried afterward. I sobbed. I mourned this wretched beast. And maybe that's why Doom Bunny's memory made me cry. But I didn't just kill the spider that day. I killed a part of me. Luckily, it was a part of me that was useless and selfish and a thing I was well rid of. Maybe, as a rational justification to make a bleak act I participated in seem more uplifting, I can take solace in the idea that the spider, in death, was able to rise above its natural station. It was the Jesus Christ of spiders, dying so that so many more spiders could live. Who knows how many hundreds or thousands of spiders survived because of this one? And not only that, it was this sentiment (and seeing a documentary on Japanese "fishing" of dolphins) which turned me into a vegetarian. So the spider not only saved many spiders but many other (arguably higher-tier! Is that bad to suggest?!) creatures. Now, I'm not a vegetarian anymore. I was for about ten years and then got, well, a bit lazy and maybe a little less passionate. I got older and dumber. But I'm not what you'd call a meat-eater! I prefer lentils over steak (which is an easy comment to make because I can't even remember the last time I ate steak. I never really cared for it before I went veggie. The main reason I liked steak as a kid was the steak fries soaked in a little bit of steak juice (you know, blood?)). When I eat meat now, it's usually chicken or turkey. Not great, I know. I probably need to get out there and murder a turkey so I can be reminded how fucking terrible it is to kill something with your own hands. But that's part of it, you know? I'm not against eating meat. But we're going about it all wrong. It's too easy and too harmful. We should probably develop a system where people can only buy live animals and must do the killing and butchering themselves. Of course then only sadists will have the option of a delicious chorizo omelette at breakfast! The point is, yeah, I still eat meat. But I also don't rationalize my eating of it! I'm wrong in doing so. It's better for the world if humans, who have a choice in the matter being sentient and rational beings, would choose to stop. I try not to eat it much but that's just a little bit of a little thing and it doesn't make me "less wrong." I'm still just wrong. And I'm tired. And I'm old enough to hope the younger generations do better while I just get the fuck out of the way. Who are all these old people fighting change?! Why do they need to get so worked up about a world they're not going to be part of for much longer?! Let it go already! Especially old people with loads of money. I don't get how they still need to be angry about everything! You're set, you dolt! If you don't want to participate, go live in your vacation house and don't participate. But certainly don't actively try to hamper change! Christ, you're just obstinate dumb ass fools! Did I rant enough against old rich guys to distract from the fact that I had some turkey tacos for lunch? I hope so! Anyway, I guess the rant about old people hurting the world is a good enough segue back into this comic book about old people hurting the world. Not that the JSA is actively hurting the world! But their old man foes certainly are! Plus, I understand if you're old and powerful and rich and immortal, how you'd continue to fight change. But then again, if you're immortal and you've seen how you can never fight change, generation after generation, perhaps by continuing to fight against change, you're just showing how stupid you are? The JSA might not be actively hurting the world but it's still troubling that they think they need to be an active part of it. Just retire already and let the young heroes take over! Maybe, as Alan and Jay wanted at the beginning, stay accessible as mentors. But don't be dicks trying to push your old timey beliefs onto the young heroes' new and modern attitudes! Especially the ones that are sex positive and enjoy showing a lot of skin in their choice of costumes. Hooray for change!

Enough with being earnest! Let's now pretend her dad's advice was sexual in nature!

Jesse wanders into a part of the island that's off limits and after being attacked by guards trying to detain her for trespassing, she decides she now has a right to trespass. That's how law works, right? If I'm falsely accused of murder, I get to do one free murder! Ted Grant has been taken into custody by the Bahdnesian government because he interrupted a boxing match and beat the crap out of one of the fighters. Just because somebody is in a ring boxing doesn't mean anybody can enter the ring and start punching them. That's assault and I'm all for Ted Grant being arrested. Asshole thinks he can do whatever he wants just because he thinks of himself as a hero. Well, no more, old white man! There are consequences to your actions now!

The Atom doesn't think it's wrong to interfere in another country's arrest of a foreign national assaulting one of their own. No, what would be wrong is exposing the Justice Society of America's plans to infiltrate and spy on this nation.

The Atom rushes off to tell Alan and Jay about Ted being kidnapped. They heard Ted was injured and taken off for treatment which is a lie. Al tells them the truth but tries to make it sound like it was unjust. "Ted walloped some creep in the boxing ring and the guards dragged him away." Yeah. Of course they did! Ted wasn't supposed to be in the ring! IT WAS FUCKING ASSAULT! By the end, when we learn that the nation's king or manager or president, St. Germaine, is some villainous creep, all of the Justice Society's actions will be justified. But I want to point out that they have no justification for anything but observing right now! It's like that time in Star Trek: The Next Generation when one of the Captains of a Federation starship begins blowing up Cardassian science stations and supply vessels. They might have been up to no good but there was no proof! Picard does the right thing, in the end, by arresting the captain. Sure, the asshole captain was almost certainly right about the Cardassians being up to no good. But there was no proof! You can't just blow Cardassians up or disappear people from the streets of Portland simply because you suspect them of being up to no good. Fucking assholes. Jesse Quick runs into Doctor Mid-Nite who has found the Bahdnesians and a whole lot of other islanders as well. They're locked in cages underground because they're too sick or infirm to work in the tourist trap topside. So I guess the Justice Society of America has a right to start tearing this nation down. I guess. They're just lucky their instincts were so dead on or else Ted Grant's temper would have started an international incident with a happy-go-lucky nation. Doctor Mid-Nite has a plan to free the people from their cages.

It's not like she can, you know, run at super speed to do the same thing that distracting them with her tits did.

If The Flash had run into Doctor Mid-Nite, would the plan have been for Jay to strut out from the dark with his balls hanging out? Although it was a terrible and unnecessary plan, it might be one of my favorite bits because now I know Liberty Belle loved flashing her tits for justice. Johnny Thunder goes on a day trip to the place he first got his Thunderbolt genie. He discovers that after he left the island with their genie, the entire place fell apart. See, now that's appropriating a culture! Being white and selling burritos out of a burrito cart is just called having a job. The rest of the Justice Society just hangs out until they can hear from Doctor Mid-Nite. That doesn't happen until he interrupts St. Germain's speech about how great and beautiful and the best his island nation of Bahdnesia is.

Oh! The days when you could describe a terrible country treating its people in the worst ways imaginable and the first thing you would think of is Nazi Germany instead of present-day America!

St. Germain's plan was to create a sham utopia and then find a job as a consultant with other governments. After he was offered a job, he would blow a nuclear weapon in the volcano and destroy the place. But when the Justice Society appears, he throws his plan out the window and yells, in front of everybody at his press conference slash job interview, "I've got a bomb in the volcano and I'll blow up the entire island!" So I guess that's his reputation blown! Like the guy in The Dead Zone who uses the kid as a human shield and ruins his entire political career! Sort of. Anyway, that's a thing I just remembered that seemed somewhat like what just happened here, so it felt like a smart thing to add. During the tussle, Ted Grant knocks the detonator out of St. Germain's hands and it sets off the bomb. The volcano explodes but it doesn't destroy the island until the Justice Society can completely evacuate it. St. Germain just looks on and shouts, "My utopia!" That guy might need to get his head straight to decide what he really wants out of life. A utopia? A consulting job? Revenge on the Justice Society? In the end, Thunderbolt reveals that the only actual Bahdnesian left is Kiku, the young girl who has become Johnny Thunder's sidekick. So I guess that's the mystery solved that could have been solved two issues ago if Johnny had just thought to ask Thunderbolt one simple and direct question. Justice Society of America #7 Rating: B-. St. Germaine was yet another immortal guy who was once a Nazi. I think there's some legendary St. Germaine that's supposed to be immortal or something but I'm too hot and uncomfortable in my office to do any research about it right now. There's a similar character in Warren Ellis's Castlevania on Netflix. And, no, I don't want to discuss Warren Ellis. I don't actually want to disucss the Justice Society of America either! At least I only have three more issues to go!

[agentmothmanstrikesagain]

Search and.. rescue???

Dib spent his time on the trip home being a nervous wreck. He knew Zim was gone, or had at least left for an indeterminable amount of time. He felt his guts twist into a knot as he pulled into the atmosphere of earth. Zim was probably home, waiting to chew him out. 

Dib sighed. He had it coming didn’t he? Though whole time, he’d thought of how angry he’d be. He thought about it when he talked to Midge, got in Takship, rode out into the depths of space, boarded the Vindicator 2.0, asked Nebula to retreive Stellar, when he talked to Addie and gave her The Song of Liberty, when he tore apart the gavel, when he spoke to Dek and Zim, when he re-boarded The Vindicator and sicked Nebula on Harmonia, and he was still thinking about it.

He knew Zim would be furious with him. Knew he’d have plenty of things to say. Or maybe he wouldn’t say anything... maybe he’d just leave for good without a single word. And that was the thought that made Dib’s blood run colder than Lazuroth’s icy winds. He couldn’t bear such a thought... he was shaking even now just to think of it. 

It didn’t help when Takship landed in the hangar of the base to see the Voot Cruiser missing. A big clean spot was left on the floor in the middle of all the collected dust, from where it took off. He was still gone...

 Dib only felt sicker by the moment.

Takship was silent as he and Nebula exited. She took off without a word. All the better honestly, Dib didn’t feel like hearing anyone make any sort of comment about the current predicament he’d landed himself in. 

He got in the elevator, Nebula following close behind. 

“Computer?” He asked quietly, whispered almost. “Take.. me to the living room please.” The AI complied without a word.

Dib’s eyes widened in shock at the sight of his home, the state that his living room was in. The Animals had gone feral and torn the place apart. The furniture was in shreds, Twoey’s vines were spread all over looking like a damn jungle, THORse had shit all over the floor and was now attempting to consume the couch or at least naw on it, the raven flock was all over the place, as was their waste, and the screaming gerbils had spread throughout the walls and were now making obnoxiously loud mating calls to one another, and Beast was making the kitchen sink her litter box and prey-bone depositary. 

Even Nebula seemed shocked about their current situation. 

“HEY. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?” Dib shouted at the top of his lungs. 

Every living thing within the base turned their heads toward him, silent and still. 

“Computer!” Dib barked. “What the hell is all this about?” 

“Well what were you expecting to happen when you leave a bunch of animals without food, water, and attention for 24+ hours?” 

Dib opened his mouth to make a retort until a violently sickening thought hit him like a wave. Zipper always feeds the animals in the morning. She gets up before anyone else does and meticulously cares for each individual and even talks to them like people. Even Audrey 2. 

“Wait... you mean Zipper is gone???” Dib asked, feeling his guts begin to twist with worry. Even if she’d have left she’d never forget about any of these creatures. Not ever.

“Confirmed.” The Computer chimed in its ever annoying Jimmy Neutron voice. “The child has not been home for 31 hours 22 minutes and 16 seconds.” 

“What?!” Dib felt himself starting to shake. “Ok, alright, ok, m-maybe she’s just at The Team Nebula base.. or out in the woods with Nightmare.. or maybe with Gaz, or fuck even Nn- I mean Dad. I don’t need to panic... yet... right?”

“Can confirm that the child was in a state of emotional distress upon leaving.” The computer chimed, completely unhelpful to Dib’s ever growing paranoia and parental worry. 

Dib hissed under his breath before an idea clicked into his head. He grabbed the clicker from his pocket and raced up to Zipper’s room, grabbing a piece of clothing from off the floor and a spare tracker off one of her unfinished robots. He attacheted the tracker to Nebula, fitting it behind one of his tucked in frills. 

He presented the article of clothing to the hulking lizard and before Dib could even press the clicker he was flicking his tongue across it, bringing the kid’s scent in. That! That was family! Nebula knew this person! Yes! Good! Very small! Always nice! Young! Little! Like Hatchling! 

Dib took Nebula’s face in his hands and looked him in the eyes. 

“Find her!” He commanded, a hint of emotional desperation leaking into his tone of voice.

Nebula roared, causing the other creatures in the household to stir nervously. Nebula charged out of the door as it opened, racing out into broad daylight infront of tons of people, as he began searching for Zipper by scent. 

Dib took the tracker pad and raced outside into the still pouring rain, looking to search all the places Nebula might not go.

Maybe she’s fine. Maybe she’s perfectly ok, and she’s safe somewhere and I’m just panicking all for nothing. But deep down he new something was very very wrong.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #205

forget picking song lyrics, i’m going the hell to bed now.

Do you live by yourself? I live with my mom. Do you like cleaning? Does anyone???? Who is your favorite character from Harry Potter? I've never watched the series; not even a single movie, actually. So I don't have an opinion. Do you watch PewDiePie? Extremely rarely. He's funny, but I'm not interested in his channel's content anymore. Do you like "Despacito?" My sister showed it to me once when she learned I'd never heard it, and I found zero appeal in it whatsoever. Do you play Pokemon Go? It's a brilliant idea, and I really do wish I could play it, but here where I live, there are like ZERO PokeStops (where you get Pokeballs), even in cities, so it's pretty much impossible. Did you ever color your hair pink? No. Do you like Dr. Phil? I don't watch the show and don't know him as a person. Do you prefer to be inside or outside? Inside. Do you eat meat? Sadly. I'm HOPEFULLY quitting when I get to the weight I want; I wasn't getting the nutrients I needed when I was vegetarian to where my body was desperately clinging to what it had or something like that (basically, my weight wouldn't budge in a couple of months), but even still, I don't know if I could do it without depriving myself again. I'm just such a picky eater. Do you need to do the dishes? Yeah. Not desperately, but. Are you scared of clowns? No. Do you have any subscribers on YouTube? *checks* A very impressive 66. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes. Do you salt your popcorn? Yes. Do you like McDonald's? Don't even lie to me, you'll eat there. I don't mind it at all. Do you have a Steam account? Yes. Do you like gaming? Not as much as I used to, but yes. Have you ever played Five Nights at Freddy’s? No. I don't consider jumpscares to be genuinely "scary," but rather a natural reaction to surprise, but FNAF's are intense, and I know they'd have me jumping like crazy. That aside, the games aren't of my personal appeal to actually play (though it's a fun game to watch). Do you like horror movies? Yes. Do you like chicken nuggets? I love me my chicken nuggies hunty. Have you ever tried Akinator? Yes. Can you twerk? I don't know and don't care to. Do you like dabbing? It looks stupid to me. The meme of it makes me laugh, though. What was the last country you visited? I've never left the country. Do you know your phone number? No, actually. It is incredibly difficult for me to memorize sequences, and besides, it's not like I give out my number almost ever. Do you swear in front of children? No. What’s your opinion on Brexit? Shit, I don't even remember what it's about. So obviously I can't have an opinion. It doesn't affect me, anyway. If you want children, what are some of your reasons for wanting them? N/A When you cook a dish that has beans in it, do you prefer to use canned or dry beans? I don't cook, and you'll never see me willingly eat a bean. What were some fun experiments you did in science class as a kid? The two that sharply stand out to me are dissecting an owl pellet in elementary and a frog in middle school. Both were SO cool. What was the last strong emotion you felt? Excitement. After finishing a bowl of cereal, do you drink the leftover milk? Only ever if it's Cinnamon Toast Crunch that I ate. And even then, only sometimes. Do you use dry shampoo between washes? No. What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever done? Overdosing. What’s the most severe allergic reaction you’ve ever had to something? Nothing severe, besides pollen allergies flaring up. What’s your favorite sub-genre of rock? Hard. Who was the last person to get frustrated with you, and why? Mom, but she was more than frustrated. We were having a serious fight about her attitude towards Dad and his wife. What’s something that makes absolutely zero sense to you? Anti-vax shitlords. What’s your phone background? Lock screen is Darkiplier, home screen is Sara kissing my forehead. :'> Have you ever lived with someone you didn’t get along with? No. Do you have a fitness tracker? No. What types of animals have you had as pets? A billion cats, dogs, snakes, lizards, rats, gerbils, guinea pigs, rabbits, fish, box turtles, hermit crabs... and probably more. How well do you understand economics? Have you ever taken an econ class? Not well at ALL. I had one my senior year. What was the last fruit you ate? I had two bites out of a watermelon 'cuz I was really hungry, but we didn't really have anything as a snack. (I fast daily, so I have to watch when my meals are.) I'm not a big watermelon fan, but I hadn't tried these cubes before, and at least it was something. Can you remember your first day of school? I believe I can very faintly... very faintly. I think I had a complete breakdown because of my insane separation anxiety regarding my mom, or it was the complete opposite... alskdfjaweiajr it's like I can kinda see it in the back of my head, but it's super blurry. What’s your favorite movie? The Lion King. It was my favorite as a kid and became so again as an adult just truly acknowledging how damn good and meaningful it is. Plus the soundtrack was a banger. Would you rather jump out of an airplane or go scuba diving? Scuba diving. Do you get bored looking at other peoples’ holiday pictures? Eh. If it's a whole lot, yes, but as a photographer, I enjoy noting which ones I like and why I favor them. Do you give money to charity? Not currently, no. I have no money to give. When I do have a paying job, I plan on definitely donating any time Mark does a charity stream. Are you more into music or movies? Music, easily. When was the last time you went to a swimming pool? WOW. It's been years. Either when I still lived in the apartment or once at Colleen's in-laws', I can't remember which was last. Would you rather have a pet snake or a pet turtle? I have a snake, and I'll take another for sure. Have you ever seen a band live? Who was the last you saw? Just Alice Cooper. Ma and I are seeing Ozzy next year (if the poor man ain't dead), tho!!!! And he's gonna be with Judas Priest and Megadeth. We are NOT going to survive. Do people who use massive amounts of emoticons annoy you? Yes. Emojis, more specifically. If you're writing a sentence and you use an emoji after each and every goddamn word, it drives me up a wall. What was the last clothing item you bought? Underwear, I believe? Or a bra? What does your washing powder smell like? Idk. Normal? Do you have a dishwasher or do you do dishes by hand? By hand, which I cannot explain how much I loathe. It feels disgusting. Are there any cobwebs in your room? I don't believe so, no. Have you ever used a pick-up line and had it work? Ew, I'd never use one to begin with. Have you ever entered a modelling competition? Would you? No to both. The current modelling industry is so, so harmful. Did you keep any drawings/stories from when you were younger? Like around two years ago, I remember going on a mass destruction episode of those super old things, as they embarrassed me horribly, even though I know it had no real reason. Just everything I create embarrasses me. My mom has old school stuff, though. Who did you last have an argument with? Mom today. When was the last time you cooked for yourself? If you include putting things in the microwave with few steps... not that long ago. Maybe two days back. Do you have a safe? Mom does. When was the last time you saw a relative? Mooonths ago when Grammy and her husband were driving through. My brother and his son are visiting real soon, though!! Do you shout out the answers at quiz shows? Yes, lol. Have you ever been in a TV audience? I've been to like three-four hockey games, so yeah. Have you ever entered the lottery? Won anything? No. Well, Mom or Dad would rarely get those scratch-off tickets at random, but the most we've ever got was just like five bucks or so. Do you prefer crosswords or word searches? Word searches. Have you ever drawn on a wall in your house? No. Do you like making collages? No. Have you ever kept a scrapbook? Yeah. What’s your favorite video-game? Silent Hill 2 and Shadow of the Colossus. Sigh, I want a PS4 SO bad to get the SotC remaster. I actually teared up when I saw the opening cutscene for the first time, and I just marveled through the EEEEEEENNNNtire playthrough I watched. It's unbelievable. Do you remember any inside jokes from childhood? Not off the top of my head. I'm tired, don't make me think. Have you ever made up a word? Well, as a writer, I've made up names and places. A word itself, I don't think so. Do you get nervous speaking to people you don’t know on the phone? VERY!!!!!!!! Are you scared of anything irrational? You mean like, half my fears? Do you have a passport? What’s the picture like? No. Have you ever had a full fringe? (bangs) As a kid I did. Is there anything you would never admit to liking? Don't think so. What’s the weirdest craze you can remember? Fidget spinners. Do you use bug spray or fly swatters? Fly swatters. Then we also have this hanging cylindrical sticky... thing that flies and gnats are apparently attracted to with the smell, I guess. Works like magic, though I agree it's pretty cruel. Just stuck there until you die. Are you a clumsy person? Boy, am I. Do you have tiled floors in your house? In three rooms. Do you listen to any movie soundtracks regularly? No. Do you bruise easily? Way too easily. Like normally something simple won't leave behind an obvious one, but even a normal poke in the arm hurts a lot and leaves the spot sore for a good while. I was tested for anemia, but apparently, I don't have it. What would you love to learn to do? Play the electric guitar. Do you prefer monkeys or lemurs? Ehhh... lemurs as far as cute goes, monkeys overall. Do you watch movies based on the actors or the movie plot? The plot. Do you have any phone charms on your mobile? No. What is your opinion on sex without emotional commitment? That's a big 'ole honkin' nope. Last time you puked from drinking? Never. Have you ever gotten drunk and danced on a bar? No. What is your favorite simple ice-cream flavor? Vanilla. Though sometimes I prefer chocolate. Do you pay attention to calories on the back of packages? Only for dinner. I forgot the science behind it, but one of my meds for bipolarity only works to its full effect after ingesting at least 350 calories; I only get about a 20% effectiveness of the medicine when eating less. I know it sounds weird, but my psychiatrist is a goddamn genius, and I trust every word that comes out of his mouth. When was the last time you slept on the floor? Two years ago when I was living with Colleen and I didn't have a blow-up mattress yet. Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos? When???????????????? do I?????????????? not???????????????????????????????????? Do you wear flip-flops? That's pretty much all I wear just about year-round... I remember in 7th grade, one of my teachers asked me about it a lot and I just told her I didn't mind the cold, which was true. Pretty sure she thought I was lying and was too poor to buy new clothes or something, as she gifted me socks one day, which I thought was incredibly sweet. I miss my 7th grade teachers. Best school year. Who was the last person to kiss you on the cheek? Pretty sure my niece Aubree when saying bye. What is your favorite sauce to eat with spaghetti? Normal Prego sauce, I think. Have you ever seen a magic show? A little one as a kid. When was the last time you vomited and why? Months and months ago when I was testing a medication. Quit that shit real fast, as it made me sick so many times. Where do you usually sit when you eat dinner? Uhhh I eat in my bed usually, lmao. We almost never sit at the table. I normally do if Mom's there, though. How often do you get headaches? Ugh, often. Why did you call the last person you called? I was calling back about my job application that I was supposed to hear about yesterday. How many windows are in the room you’re in? Two. Do you have Facebook friends that you’ve never actually met? Yes. When was the last time you had your photo taken professionally? Not since senior pictures, pretty sure. I hated how it came out. I have a lazy eye when I smile, gah. How long does it take you to get to school or work? Currently N/A. Let’s say you had a baby with the last person you kissed? We're both female, so. And neither of us want kids anyway. When was the last time you completely broke down? A couple weeks ago in a totally random and severe panic attack. Do you have someone you can spill your heart out to? Yeah. Is there a person that you would do absolutely anything and everything for? No. I'm not gonna, say, murder someone just because they want me to. What’s something you really want right now? To go and get my tattoo cleaned up by a more professional artist alsdkjfalwei. I got the approximate cost, I just have to wait until I can afford it. This tattoo is so so so important to me and it needs to be perfect. What is your relationship status? Taken. What was the longest time you’ve wasted on a certain person? Not even two weeks lmao. I said yes to dating mostly out of fear of hurting his feelings, and he QUICKLY proved he was NOT for me. Are you listening to music right now? Yeah, my iTunes is on shuffle. Anyone you would like to get things straight with? I wouldn't want to be friends I don't think, but I REALLY want to see Jason one final time to tell him how sorry I am. I recently acknowledged just how fucked up I treated him after the breakup; he wasn't the only one who made mistakes. I sure as hell did. He deserves to hear it badly. I do believe our last talk was a good ending, but I feel me finally admitting that I fucked up would be the perfect one. What was the best thing that happened to you today? Seeing Dad for his birthday. When was the last time you did something for the first time? I talk-talked to some WoW friends a couple days ago, though very very briefly. I couldn't figure Discord push-to-talk out and I ended up panicking lmao. What color are the last new pair of pants that you bought? Black. Is your room clean? I should dust and vacuum, but the latter doesn't currently work. List all the countries you’ve visited.  I've never left America. At what age would you allow your kids to dye their hair? Shit, whenever they wanted tbh. So long they sounded serious about it and it wasn't just a brief episode of "oh this would be cool." Which fast food place do you eat at the most? Hm. Wendy's or Sonic. When was the last time you weren’t lonely? Jesus fucking Christ, who knows. What kind of movies do you like? Horror, fantasy, Disney/kids' films, comedies, rom coms, and emotionally moving ones. Bats are not spooky or are they? They're adorable, omg. Do you think blue is a gay color? Fuck off. What's your opinion on gays? Fuck off harder. Do you like the song "Womanizer"? Don't even talk to me if you don't. Where is your favorite place to get fries? You can't live your fullest life without having Bojangle's fries at least once. Do you know anyone who was raised by their grandparents? Idk. Have you ever made your own pie from scratch? No. Who was the last person you had an in-depth conversation with? Sara. What was the last fast food item you ate? A hot dog. What is your favorite gaming console? You know PS2 was the best, you know it. What was the last major city you visited? Raleigh, if that even counts. Do you always have a stock of alcohol in your house? No. Have you ever had a pumpkin latte and if so, did you like it? I hate everything pumpkin-flavored. Is there an antique store in your town or city? I think so... Have you ever been to a baby shower? My sister's. Maybe others', but idr. Do you know anyone who has been to rehab? Pretty sure yes. How many romantic relationships have you been in so far? Genuinely "romantic" ones, two. Would you consider yourself to be a picky eater? I am 99% sure I am the pickiest human being to ever live. Have you ever lived in a house with a pool in the yard? Not a built-in one. What color is your toothbrush? Blue. Do you have gluten intolerance or know anyone who does? I know a few people. Have you ever slept in a car overnight? No. Have you ever fainted? Yes. Do you avoid conflict as much as possible? YUP. Do you like ice cream cake? I'm not a big fan. Have you ever made out with someone of the same sex? Yes. Where is your second home!? The place I'm second-most comfortable is probably Sara's. What song always makes you sad? I avoid listening to "The Mortician's Daughter" by Black Veil Brides unless I just really, really want to hear it. I always tear up due to memories. Have you ever played a game that required removing your clothes? No. Where is your favorite place to be kissed? Breasts and neck. Were you mean as a little kid? No. Who was the last person you hung out with? Dad. What is your mother’s name? Donna. What is your favorite song at the moment? I've been in true love with a heavy metal cover of "Invincible" from the WoW soundtrack for like a full month. What day will you never forget? The breakup night. Suicide attempt. My niece and nephew being born. Meeting Sara. Getting Teddy. First time hanging out at Jason's. 16th birthday. Alice Cooper concert. Putting Dale and Cali down. There's a lot. What was the last thing you took a picture of? Some crazy shit on FB to show Sara. Something you're looking forward to? Getting a goddamn job. What is God teaching you right now? Lul. What does Notre Dame Cathedral mean to you, and how has its fire affected you? I was devastated to hear about it; it was the one event that actually got me paying attention to the news. It is a monument of incredible art and history, and for Catholics, a house of their god. I am so thankful the damage wasn't too tremendous. What’s the last dumb decision you made that you beat yourself up over? I dunno. Surprisingly. What’s your favorite version of the Bible to read? N/A If applicable, do you underline verses in your Bible? N/A When was the last time you went to church? Not since Colleen had her extreme Christian phase two years ago. What’s the last song you listened to on repeat? "Radio" by Rammstein. That new album's gonna be bangin'. Does your town’s hospital have a good reputation? NOPE. It sure does not. I have no issue with the psychiatric care unit there, though. Every time I went to the ER for suicidal thoughts or the attempt, they were sweethearts to me. But as far as physical health, they do NOT have a good rep. I know someone's grandfather that nearly fucking died thanks to them, and I can't recall what it was exactly, but Mom had some complaints during her kidney cancer treatment. What is your hometown known for? Crime. Are you longing for and missing a toxic person? I honestly miss Colleen sometimes, but I can't go back to her. I can't. I'm done giving her more chances than she deserves. It was nice to actually have someone to hang out with, but she is just overall not a pleasant person. What’s your greatest longing? Financial stability, probably. Have you ever read a Bible verse and thought, “this isn’t true”? BOY HOWDY- What are you behind on? Being an adult. I am 23 and a SOOOOOORRYYYYYY excuse for one. Is there someone who’s stolen from you and never got caught? Yes. Someone stole our basketball hoop from my childhood home. Have you been lonely for most of your life? Most of my life, no. What color is your sleeping bag? I don’t have one. When was the last time you used a sleeping bag, and what for? When I lived with Colleen and slept on the floor for a bit. Do you live near the woods? Yeah, there's woods across the road. What do you want to be for Halloween this year? List 1-3 ideas. I wanna be the dumb blonde witch from Hocus Pocus, lmao. A pastel vampire would be pretty cool. And Rhett from the "Sleep Tight" video has instilled in me the great desire to be a steampunk toothfairy at least once. List five things people have been jealous of you for. Idk. List five things you have felt jealous of other people for. More than anyone, a friend of many friends' photography success when I can genuinely and modestly say I really think I'm better than her. That is easily the worst envy situation I've dealt with (and still do), as this is the one that is actually almost spiteful, wrong as that is. Then I have another friend who is a FANTASTIC photographer as well and is now a professional one in the fashion industry, I believe. Then there was a girl I went to school with called Cailin whose drawing skills were naturally INCREDIBLE since elementary school, and I remember back then, me and her would always get the most attention for our work, but she did moreso, but I wanted to be the "best" artist. Once I hit high school I just had great respect for her talent. Next, one of my former best friends Hannia was a natural GENIUS that got perfect scores on LITERALLY almost anything; she had the highest GPA in the entire school, while I was right behind her. And uhhhh five... I have been and still am jealous of my sisters for being proper, successful adults. What is your favorite shade of brown? Like a caramel tone, I guess? What color is your toilet seat? White. Would you rather live in an apartment or a house? Definitely a house. What’s one thing you had growing up that you miss now? Energy. Do you prefer kale, lettuce, or spinach? Lettuce. Do you listen to instrumental bands such as Hammock, Trentemoller, etc.? No. Have you ever gotten a manicure or pedicure? Just because my sisters went and Mom wanted me to hang out with them. I may have with my old friend, too. Have you ever self-harmed? Yeah. Never the answer. Do you have any eating disorders? No. I'm afraid of developing one once I (hopefully) get to the weight I want, though. Have you ever met a celebrity? No. Do you like Monster Energy or do you prefer other energy drinks? I hate energy drinks. They taste like poison. Do you plan on getting married? Yeah. Do you want kids? That's a big fat nope. What’s your sexual orientation? I don’t judge. Bisexual. At what time of day do you normally feel the best? The morning. Name one reason why someone should not commit suicide. YOU. CAN. GET. BETTER. Seek professional help if you feel suicidal, and after what I understand is a serious struggle, you truly can go into the light at the end of the tunnel. You've got, to our understanding, one shot at this. Don't end it when there is a possibility for a beautiful future. If you’re unhappy, what would it take to make you fulfilled? Have a job and be in school. Name someone you know who is a cancer survivor. My mom. Are you friends with any cancer survivors? I don't think so. Do you wish the sunrise and sunset lasted longer? Hm. Sunset, maybe. Idk. Name a country whose history you know nothing about. Lmao most. What is your favorite store at the mall? Hot Topic. Do you have a bed or do you sleep on a mattress on the floor? I have a bed. When was the last time you went for a run? Shit, not since high school gym. Do you keep Christmas lights up year-round? No. What did you win a scholarship for? Nowhere. What type of bug do you see the most often in your home? Flies. Do you put off things until the last minute? I tend to. Is your mom the same size as you? No, I'm smaller. Do you know any Christians who aren’t judgmental? No shit. Do you still think of that Gwen Stefani song when you spell bananas? Ha ha yup. Do you like the way your hair naturally is, or do you change it? It's fine. But I want it dyed badly. Do you know anyone who died accidentally by doing something stupid? Yes. How many different languages have you taken in school? Latin and German. How tall is your father? (Estimate?) Idk. Over six feet. Would you meet Miley Cyrus if you had the chance? No. What is your favorite slow song? Oh yeesh. Idk. Maybe "See You On The Other Side" by Ozzy. Do you believe in karma? No. Do you constantly check your cell phone? No. Only Sara or Mom ever text me, and I pick it up just if the green light is blinking (means I have a message). If there were aliens on earth, would you be afraid? Well yeah. If you could spend 1 hour 20 years in the future, would you? Yes. I want to see where I am, so long as I can change my behavior to improve that future if needed. Otherwise, I don't wanna know. Are your pets asleep? Teddy probably is, Bentley might be, idk where Roman is, but he likely is, I can't see Mitsu from where I am currently, Venus may be (no eyelids, so you never know) as she's in her rock, and Kaiju is awake. Have you ever wished you were an only child? Never. Have you ever hurt someone on purpose? Yes. Have you ever gotten hurt while sledding? No. Do you enjoy going through old pictures? It depends on the subject of them and my mental state. Kid pictures I'm always up for, high school ones are okay, though they can make me really upset with how healthy and skinny I was, and I deleted all photos I had on Facebook of Jason and me last year so I couldn't even risk looking at them ever again, as there's a good chance some would trigger my PTSD. Of all your exes, who do you think you had the deepest feelings for? Jason, obviously. Do you tend to have a lot of drama in your life? I have the most uneventful, bland life. No. When’s the last time someone was disappointed in you? Idk. What song are you listening to right now? Is this one of your favorite songs? "Alone I Break" by Korn. No, but I love it. What is something you have to explain a lot? My sweating issue. Gross to talk about, but I sweat seriously excessively, like you would not believe. It can be 70 degrees and I'll be sweating in seconds. People worry about it, and in VR, I've had to explain it so many times due to it affecting suitable jobs (I think we can all agree being drenched in sweat at work looks extremely bad). Hopefully I won't have to anymore when my doctor decides what to do about it. It's most likely a thyroid issue, which I have no clue about how to subdue symptoms of. There's really a shitload I have to explain lately between doctors and VR... Which compliment do you receive the most? From those that know me/see me, that I'm losing weight. From people in general, "I love your hair" or something like that. Who were you last on the phone with? My sister. What is one thing you have always wondered? Uh. Idk. I'm sure there's a lot, just nothing's coming to me atm... What do your friends think about the music you listen to? Your family? My friends and I like similar stuff, as do my parents, especially Mom. My sisters are the total opposite of me and don't enjoy metal and the like at all. Has anyone ever told you to grow up? Essentially. Do you believe people when they say they don’t judge people? Hell no. How many true friends do you have? Excluding family and my girlfriend as they're more than that, like... one or two, it feels like most of the time. Can you honestly say you’re happy right now? No. What is something you are exceptionally bad at? Doing math in my head or spelling up there. AND READING LIPS. Do you have a house phone? No. Who do you love more than anyone right now? Don't make me choose between Mom and Sara. How much money do you have saved up? I literally have $11. Do you like bright/neon colors? Yes, but I prefer pastel. What is your favorite wild animal? Meerkats. Do you ever eat breakfast? I almost always do. Do you remember who your first grade teacher was? Yes. Have you ever won any trophies? What for? Yeah, for A honor roll all through elementary school (save for 5th grade; I got one B and was so upset, lmao), then in all kid sports I played, everyone got lil ones, some from dance I believe, and I think there's one or two others I'm not thinking of...

[the-desolated-quill]

Arachnids In The UK - Doctor Who blog

(SPOILER WARNING: The following is an in-depth critical analysis. If you haven’t seen this episode yet, you may want to before reading this review)

Spiders. It had to be fucking spiders, didn’t it?

Normally I watch each episode multiple times before writing a review in order to pick up on every nuance and detail. With Arachnids In The UK however, I just about managed two viewings and that was a Herculean effort I can tell you because... you know... fucking spiders. So apologies if this review isn’t as detailed as previous ones. Frankly you should be grateful you’re even getting a review of this at all because... you know... FUCKING SPIDERS!

So then. Let’s talk about the fucking spiders. The fear factor of this episode will depend on how you feel about spiders in general. If you’re one of those weirdos who keep tarantulas as pets (seriously, what’s wrong with a dog or a gerbil or something? Can’t you just be normal?), then you probably found this quite quaint. If however you’re like me, a confirmed arachnophobic and colossal wuss, Arachnids In The UK most likely terrified the fucking life out of you.

But wait. It gets worse. I would have been shitting myself if the spiders were regular sized, but that’s not enough for Chris Chibnall. Oh no. These spiders are ever so slightly bigger than that. How big, I hear you ask? Think Aragog from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

Yeah. That big.

At this point I’d like to extend a massive fuck you to Doctor Who’s special effects department for really putting in an almost criminal amount of time and effort into making these giant, eight legged demons from hell look as photo realistic as possible. Each individual, computer generated hair rendered with absolute care and attention to detail, making the spiders that much more skin crawling to look at. I mean it wasn’t as if I was planning to sleep that night anyway.

I also have to begrudgingly commend Sallie Aprahamian for her direction. The lighting, camera angles and use of sound really help create a creepy atmosphere and build tension effectively. Because spiders, even massive spiders, aren’t the type of monsters to jump out and attack you directly. No, the little fuckers like to sneak up on you and catch you unawares, and that’s what this episode really takes advantage of.

So what reason did Chris Chibnall come up with for giant fucking spiders to exist? Genetic experiments and toxic waste. Stupid? Yes, but so is the idea of a wooden blue box travelling through time and space, so let’s not get too critical. Just pretend that scientist works for Norman Osborn from the Marvel Comics and go with it.

Let’s move away from the spiders (quickly please) and talk about the characters because they’re, once again, the strongest part of the show. The Doctor is still just as delightful as ever with Jodie Whittaker switching from comedy to drama effortlessly. I especially liked at the beginning of the episode where she’s noticeably sad to be saying goodbye to her new friends only for her face to light up again when Yasmin invites her for tea. After Steven Moffat’s ‘the Doctor lies’ bullshit and Twelve acting all brooding and stoic, it’s refreshing to see a Doctor who displays their emotions openly. I also liked the way she interacted with the spiders. While everyone else is understandably shitting themselves, the Doctor is the only one who tries to give the spiders any kind of dignity, even going so far as to comfort the giant mummy spider at the end as it dies. She doesn’t view them as disgusting or frightening. They’re living creatures like her and deserve the same kindness she would give to a human.

Of course the main purpose of Arachnids In The UK is to get the companions to sign up for more adventures and I really like how this is done for the most part. Ryan is very quickly becoming my favourite companion and Tosin Cole is clearly having a lot of fun in the role. My favourite scene in the whole episode was him using grime music to lure spiders into the panic room. That got such a big laugh out of me. He’s just a really likeable character and I love how he’s growing and developing. He’s come a long way since The Woman Who Fell To Earth. He’s become a lot more confident and I think it’s because he feels he can achieve great things with the Doctor. He likes that he feels valued by her and that’s nice to see. And he clearly still has a lot more room to grow as shown by his scenes with Graham, which are easily the highlight of the episode. His negligent father wants Ryan to move back in with him, calling himself his ‘proper family,’ which irks Ryan. Over the course of these four episodes, Ryan and Graham have grown so much closer as Ryan slowly starts to let Graham in. I love their camaraderie and the understated love between them and I can’t wait for the episode where Ryan finally calls Graham ‘grandad’.

Graham too is brilliant. We see him return to his home and start properly coming to terms with a life without Grace and I love how it’s portrayed. New Who has an unfortunate tendency to really overegg the pudding when it wants to elicit an emotional reaction from the audience (see the Tenth Doctor’s farewell tour or the Eleventh and Twelfth Doctor’s ghastly final monologues). Chris Chibnall so far really seems to understand that less is more and the same is true here. There’s no obnoxiously loud sad music or sappy monologues. In fact the imaginary conversations Graham has with Grace are actually quite mundane, talking about when to put the bins out and things like that. What makes these scenes so powerful is Bradley Walsh. His performance, his facial expressions, everything he does sells the pain and heartbreak Graham is going through. It’s truly an acting masterclass that puts the previous showrunners attempts to tug at the heartstrings to shame.

I’m very curious to see what happens to Graham going forward. Him wanting to travel with the Doctor in order to cope with his grief and avoid knocking around an empty house is quite a compelling reason to become a companion. Haven’t really seen that done before. And... is it just me, but is this coming across as a bit... death wish-y? What with this and his cancer recovery as well, I’m deeply worried something bad is going to happen to him come the end of the series. I really hope not. I would be devastated.

Finally there’s Yasmin and... yeah, I’ve mentioned before how I’m not exactly warming to her. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate her. Mandip Gill is doing a great job with the material she’s being given and Yasmin is a nice enough person, but as I’ve said in previous reviews, she comes off as a bit superfluous. Even the introduction of her family doesn’t really do much to establish her as a key member of Team TARDIS. In fact she’s coming across as an amalgamation of Rose Tyler and Martha Jones. Rose because of her desire to find something more in her life and Martha because she wants to get away from her boring and annoying one dimensional family. She doesn’t really stand out as her own character and I put it down mostly to the ensemble cast. It’s the classic case of ‘two is company, but three is a crowd.’ It’s the same reason why Susan and Adric got sidelined in the classic series (as well as the fact that Adric was an irritating little shit that deserved to be smacked upside the head) and she just pales in comparison to Ryan and Graham, whose characters and storylines are much stronger and more interesting. I really hope she gets a chance to shine soon because so far I honestly couldn’t care less about her, and considering she’s the first ever Muslim companion, that’s really disappointing.

Since we’ve shifted to criticism, lets talk about the supporting cast. Yasmin’s family, as I said, are quite boring. They’re just your typical family with the typical overbearing mum (maybe it’s time for New Who to consider stopping all the family stuff now). The scientist... exists, doing nothing other than to introduce the spiders as a plot device and occasionally give exposition on spider ecosystems. Finally there’s the hotel guy, played by Chris Noth who tries to wring every last drop of comedy out of the part and is actually quite amusing on occasion, but sadly doesn’t have an actual character as such other than being a painfully on the nose parody of Donald Trump. Not only is this futile in and of itself because some could argue that Trump is so extreme that he’s practically impossible to satirise, but also nothing ever really comes of it. He’s a prick at the beginning, he’s a prick at the end, and there’s no real payoff or satisfying closure. Not only does he not learn his lesson, I actually found myself agreeing with him a few times. Like what’s the difference between shooting the spiders and locking them in a panic room so they can eventually starve to death? And what was the Doctor planning to do once she herded the giant mummy spider out of the ballroom? Set it up in a nice cozy bedsit? And if it’s suffocating to death anyway because its lungs have grown too big and can’t absorb enough oxygen, wouldn’t shooting it be the kindest thing to do at that point?

While I’m on the subject of guns, how the fuck is his bodyguard able to get away with carrying a gun in Sheffield? You’re not in America now, sunshine. And how come Yasmin, the police officer, doesn’t do anything about it or the fact that her mother was wrongfully dismissed? (at gunpoint. I need to keep pointing that out. Her mum was fired from her job at gunpoint in Sheffield). Come on Chibnall!

Arachnids In The UK has flaws to be sure, but its excellent execution of the main plot and threat as well as its genuinely touching and heartwarming moments between the main characters that help it stand out. The weakest episode so far, but still very enjoyable.

[washedupfae]

The Prompt List

Blogging this again, because I keep losing track of it. Someday I will make more, but for now.. here you go! Remember, if it is a NSFW prompt or request, it will end up on my main blog, but will also eventually make it to my link in A03

Prompt List Just throwing together some ideas, you guys send in such wonderful asks, I want this to be available for you, use these prompts solo or built on to your requests as you please ^_^ also feel free to share and use the prompts! Also.. just typing whatever the hell pops in my mind, you might notice some of these lines from other places!

1. Where do they find these people?!...Wait.. I'm these people..

2. Ok, if I let you go, you promise not to scream again?

3. He/she/they was always such a good boy/girl.whatever..I wonder what happened.

4. Dude.. Check out the sun..

5. The gerbil ran into Joanna?

6..I don't think that is how that is suppose to work.

7. Hobby Lobby does not carry that!...Welp I was wrong.

8. Exactly how did you get stuck in there?

9. How did you get THAT stuck in THERE!?

10. Know what, I do not even want to know.

11. So let me make sure I understand.. you did ---- and somehow walked away from that?

12. Was this store here yesterday? Am I nuts? Yeah.. I'm nuts.

13. I might actually be insane.

14. Does ANYONE hear that?! Anyone at all?!

15. I am not touching that.

16. I am not cleaning that.

17. I am not feeding that.

18.... You feed it what?!

19. How do you... how did it.. WHY?

20. I am telling you the truth! I woke up this way!

21. Yes yes, birds are singing, blah blah blah.. can we do this already?

22. Look, I know you think you know who I am.. but you're wrong.

23. I swear, he/she/they were like that when I walked in here!

24. I WOULD NEVER KICK A PUPPY!

25. What sort of welcome greeting gesture is this? Am I doing it right?

26. So.. if I turn it this way.. and I push that there.. Success?

27. This muffin taste.. strange..

28. Um.. I walked in a club, and now I am standing in a library.. can someone explain that please?

29. I do not care how many balloons you can fit in there!

30. If you pop your gum one more time.. so help me..

31. THAT'S IT!

32. What can I say except, we're dead soon. 

33. *long suffering sigh* Yes yes, you put the lime in the coconut and then the big bang, MOVING ON!

34. My character is wearing a vest, made of space shark skin?

35. ..How did that happen? 

36. You rolled a 1, dude.

37. Nat 20 Bitch!

38. I believe in fairies!

39. Eggplants fly over the... moon?

40.  You should probably deal with that.

41. Um.. why is your brother covered in jelly? What? Jam?..THAT DOESN'T ANSWER MY QUESTION!

42. Ok, just run with me on this, the plan is better then it sounds!

43. Where is the ka-boom? There was suppose to be an earth shattering ka-boom!

44. Left foot green.. Oh sorry, that was your face wasn't it?

45....This is seriously not what it looks like.

46. This is exactly what it looks like.

47. I'm all out of ideas, how about the truth?

48. They said I couldn't handle the truth.. and they were right.

49. What.. is this? Why would he.. who writes this kind of stuff?!..wait.. you wrote this?

50. I thought angels/devils were suppose to be good/evil.

51. Can someone please tell me why I am sitting in frosting?

52. Do you need some help with that?  (other person) NO!  Go away!

53. Where did all the whip cream go... fuck it, I do not want to know.

54. Look, I get it, you are in love.. but can you not, just not leave a chocolate syrup outline in the living room? That is never coming out!.. Wait you did what in my room? OUT!

55. Why is the baby on the roof?

56. Where did the cat go?

57. Please tell me that is berry juice all over your face..

58. 'Name' Call a priest!

59. Ok, so you get room 223. You get room 341.. and I get.. Ok someone is screwing with me here. There is no floor 13!

60. Is.. is it suppose to be so quiet in here?

61. So like I was saying.. wait, where did you go? Hello?

62. HOLY HELL.. Ok no! You do not do that! You do not jump out and scare me! Turn around, go home, and think about what you just did!

63. So that knife is suppose to scare me, right?

64. Ok officer it's like this.. it was self defense.. of course I had to eat him!

65. Tastes like chicken.

66. Tastes like people.

67. Is my pizza suppose to be watching me?

68. Where did that old grandfather clock come from?

69. I do not care if you inherited a store of knick-knacks.. everything in here is cursed!

70. ...Tell me you did not just do that..Tell me!

71. So the thing is.. I sorta.. lost your husband/wife/son/daughter/whatever.

72. So.. good coffee.. hey, did you know that your dog is a werewolf? You should kinda.. put that on the job application...

73. Your kid bit me.. and I feel.. strange.. I think I will take the night off.

74. *HURK*.. oh gawd.. the rainbows..

75. You maybe loving it, but I'm hating it.

76. So did you intend to merry a corpse?

77. Just how many times can you be buried alive and escape?

78. Wait, how are you even alive?

79. I just wanted an icee! *breaks down sobbing* All I wanted was frozen goodness!

80. Leave the house they say. Talk to people they say. It'll be fun..

81. If I have told you once.. I have told you a thousand times..

82...That is most certainly not how you make popcorn.

83. Chili is not suppose to scream.. at all.

84. I swear if you sing that song one more time..

85. What do you mean this isn't ice cream?

86. Yeah I dropped off the gift.. wait.. then what was in that box.. oh shit..

87. The kid days they were trying to draw a happy face.. this is a summoning circle..

88. So how long have you been keeping a demon in your bedroom?

89. NO I WILL NOT JOIN YOU!

90. Ok this is how a cult starts, do you want to join a cult, cause that is what is going to happen!

91... I still do not understand how they talked us into this.

92. What do you mean you woke up married?!

93. Ok so.. I maybe in trouble.. I switched my bro's -item- with -item-

94. What smells so delicious? Oh wait.. is that.. you?

95. So let's see, Italian on Monday, Chinese on Tuesday.. Todd on Wednesday?

96. Helen may be a bitch, but she makes some mean brownies. What? Nope, haven't seen her in a week.

97. So the neighbor says they saw you howling at the moon.. care to explain?

98. That sweet old lady is not a vampire!

99. A hand just crawled out from under my bed.. why did a hand crawl out from under my bed?

100. That's it, we're moving!

[blancheharrington]

Jolex as parents to a bunch of kids. Need your head canons.

- They never intended to have a bunch of kids. It just kinda happened. They planned for two of them, the rest were happy accidents. Especially the last one. They started fostering around their second/third kid and then couldn’t stop. That turned into adopting. 

- When they go to the grocery store they all go together and it’s insane. Jo has a cart and one of the older kids pushes a cart. Alex does his best to wrangle everyone else but sometimes gets lost in the fun of it all too. They never really have a list but somehow they always get what they need. The kids toss their favorite cereal into the car and Alex makes sure to pick out Jo’s favorite foods because sometimes she forgets to get the things she likes. Some of Jo’s favorite times is when there’s a new baby, Alex takes all of the other kids to the store so Jo can have alone time. 

- They have one of those huge circle tables and everyone has their spot to sit at. They like the circle table because they can see everyone equally and it’s easier to pass takeout containers and have the pizza boxes be within equal reach. All of the chairs are mismatched because they get broken so often for various reasons. 

- They like to parent equally. They decide punishments together and don’t go against each other in front of the kids. But everyone knows Alex is more of the push over. They never let the kids hear them fight. When they kids get older they’re super relaxed about letting them go places with various people. They figured they’ve made it through worse things and their kids have pretty screwed on heads. They also have super open dialogues with their kids and like to participate in all of their after school functions. Alex definitely coaches their soccer/softball/wrestling teams at one point or another. Jo tries to make it to every single game, she tries to schedule her surgeries around them. And they both make a point to never work on Sundays. 

- They get to a point where they have so many kids that they need multiple waffle irons. Especially when Mer and her kids come over and Owen’s and Maggie and Amelia. And when Arizona and Callie and Sophia fly out during the summer.

- They love hosting big parties for everyone at work/all of their kids milestones/friends. So, when they move houses having a big backyard with a pool is a priority. They also need lots of bathrooms and a big open kitchen so everyone can hang out around the island after school/work.

- Every kids gets an animal to take care of if they want one but the rule is that they have to be the ones to care for it. Except for the dogs, everyone shares responsibility for the dogs. They’ve got a couple hermit crabs and lizards and one bird and a hamster and they had some gerbils at one point. They have a cat but they never see it because it hates the dogs. They go through stages where they think having a fish is a good idea. They have a lot of pets but somehow their house never smells like a zoo. Much to Meredith’s surprise. 

- They try to go on one vacation every year. They rent a house upstate every summer for a week in a small town where the kids basically get free roam all day every day. They ride bikes and kayak and play checkers and bake and pay charades and karaoke (Jo’s idea.) They’ve been to Disney World and the grand canyon and canada and they went to Italy one year and they’ve been to Mexico a couple of times.  

- Jo and Alex have a date night every week but it’s not a big deal to them because they like the time they spend at home with their kids. It’s not a deal breaker for them if they don’t get to it every week but it’s nice to have every once in a while. 

[voiceferret]

15 things you should know before using a type of ferret

It's easy in love, a cage full of pet bag down and ferrets young looks. In recent decades, the popularity of these animals have experienced a massive boom, has become increasingly common throughout the United States home. In fact, they are now the cat, the third largest after the dog of the most popular pets. In 1996, the Government studied estimate that more than 800,000 ferrets as pets around the country, and since the number has grown, no doubt.

Unlike cats, dogs, most people do not know much about how to care for them or ferrets. Many people just do not care about how they have required the preparation. Therefore, if you have been considering such a beautiful - and sometimes just stupid - animals, here are 15 facts each potential ferret owners need to know before taking the plunge.

1. Ferrets are not wild animals. Although ferrets can last only 20 years or less become a pet " cool," the fact is that humans and ferrets have coexisted for thousands of years. Ferrets were first domesticated over 2,500 years ago, but not as a pet - like a cat or a dog early, animals ferrets work, rabbits or hunting for pest control near field or food stores.

This misunderstanding may confuse the ferret's domesticated ferret dry black-legged people, wild, native animals western the United States a danger, although related, these animals are completely different species, they bear much resemblance to each other domestic cats do Wildcat.

After so many centuries of living side by side by side with humans, ferrets cannot survive by themselves in; they'd rather be with their families in the village, anyway nature.

2. Ferrets are not rodents, either. It is easy to see how someone could mistake a ferret rodent family but had been removed from predators weasel ferrets. Shocking Truth - at least for pet lovers pocket - is that these animals are domesticated as an efficient way to eliminate rodents, such as domestic cats machine. Therefore, if set to rabbits, rats, hamsters or mice, ferrets cannot be an excellent addition to animals of the family.

3. Ferrets are very social animals and strong bond with their families. So if the family does not get along with pets, this is a big no - the biggest mistake when buying a ferret is assuming you are not attached to their owners like a dog or a cat can be the person to make a deal to renounce them. In fact, ferrets link with the life of its people. When you adopt a ferret, you must be willing to make a lifelong commitment to your new pet.

Because ferrets are social animals, and they do two or three best sets. The only ferret will require more time and energy from non-friends he or she has left the company during the day while their people go ferret owner. Be careful, however: the ferret property can be addictive!

4. Well, you may not be able to train ferret sit, stay or return. But Ferrets are brilliant animals that can be your name when you call response - and more reliable than others. Another benefit is that ferrets are usually very easy to miss the train. They naturally try to use the bathroom around the corner; it is usually only a small cedar box or newspaper pellets in the corner of their cages from the other end of the food it was enough to get them started.

Like dogs, ferrets genuinely want to please your man - you can even teach some tricks. But, like cats, they always try to push the envelope and see what the end is that you can escape.

5. Ferrets are not aggressive for humans. Although it seems that everyone has heard of the family as ferrets or a hostile horror story of human evil, nothing is further from the truth. Ferrets are playful and friendly, are incredibly safe, pets, unless they have been injured or abused. They are often able to cats, dogs, and peaceful coexistence also.

That said, sometimes very young ferrets like to play hard, and play could drown their human companions. As a puppy or kitten, which is the natural way to interact with each other. Ferrets have a very thick skin so it will not hurt another ferret can bite human suffering. Again, this is a ferret can be trained not to engage in behavior that most ferrets grow their close contact with as they grow.

6. Ferrets can not live your life in a cage. Many people buy ferrets like getting gerbils or guinea pigs - they can stay in his cage most of the time and just get out once, for a period to play, it is convenient. The fact is that ferrets need more freedom to move, play and exercise. They are very high maintenance, take 3-4 hours supervised playtime every day.

Some people let their ferrets roam freely like a dog or a cat, but I do not recommend it. First, ferrets tend to feel tired after 1-2 hours of play and sleep, anyway, so you probably do not appreciate the extra freedom. It is also difficult to completely uncover proof your home - even just a room. It is safe and healthy when they are; they do not play with you in a cage.

Just bear in mind: If you do not let your ferret play often enough, he or she will begin to feel frustrated and put into action. I've seen ferrets overthrow food dishes, water bottles on the wall are torn, filthy cages all, even littering, they can not make their energy more efficiently. If you do not have a couple of hours, a day dedicated to the Hurons

7. ferrets must be spayed or neutered healthy life, a happy life. Unlike a dog or a cat, ferrets must be spayed or neutered unless you plan to breed them. Otherwise at risk of serious health problems. More likely to fight with other animals in the house, if not complete female ferret race eventually dies - yes, literally. For these reasons, it is difficult to buy American ferrets have not been spayed or neutered - stores more animals and breeders future owners only sell after surgery.

8. Ferrets are not dirty animals. In fact, ferrets are very clean animals. They will develop naturally use a litter box if you offer a habit, who are constantly scouring kept clean. Now, it is true; ferrets can have a unique natural aroma - more men than women. Most ferrets have the strongest scent glands produce or neutered neutral during the retreat, but their natural aroma still needs some time to adjust. I think the dog is smelliest - I do not even like dogs.

And you can take steps to reduce odors at home ferret surprisingly regularly bathe your ferret is not one of them. Wash with a ferret shampoo temporarily remove its natural odor - until your body into overdrive to rebuild their scent recognition. Then your pet will have a worse smell a few days ago. Instead, clean litter box and bed linen ferret regular cleaning are that you can take to make the most of your home smell like the best way ferrets.

9. Ferrets are very affectionate but do not show the way a cat or dog does. If a ferret is not sleeping or eating, you could bounce walls. Ferrets are affectionate animals, but most of them are too excited to sit and snuggle men live. Must be exceptional circumstances. The ferrets exist but are difficult to find.

Warning: Even cuddliest ferret still want to spend more time with you playing better than Snuggle. Instead, they show their love for you, trying to get to play. They can steal things out of your hands, so to fight, to the feet, follow around your house to get his attention, even trying to get after them in the room. It will take some time to figure out what games and toys Ferret favorite. Once you have four different ferrets, it never ceases to be different in the way the personality and preferences of each very surprised ferret.

10. Ferrets love to get into trouble! Or the old saying, " Curiosity killed the cat?" This is precisely the right number of ferrets. When they are out, they need constant supervision to ensure no slip - or inside - furniture, appliances such as ovens and refrigerators behind gum or rubber bands and other objects that could cause potentially fatal intestinal obstruction.

Often asleep piles of clothes falling, under furniture, and even your bedding to snuggle - so, if the house has been exceptionally quiet and ferreted does not answer your call, be very careful where you step. Anywhere until you find your furry friend, let them nap safely back into their cages do not sit.

More often than not, their habits ferret not be dangerous, incredibly annoying. Some ferrets every dirty sock in the house, which hides under the bed much is stolen. Even I have one that has been hit the laundry basket. Another toilet paper tube ferret can steal your obsession bathroom trash. If not sound as possible with grace, wit, and sense of humor to handle the situation, ferrets are not suitable for your pet.

11. ferrets can significantly prolong survival. Most live from anywhere from five to seven years, but no healthy ferrets chronic diseases - more on that later - can live up to 10, 11 or even 12 years. Are you ready to make that kind of commitment? You have to be prepared to spend at least five years of caring and sharing your life with a ferret if you decide to use. If this seems too long, consider other small pets - or an adult, ferrets over a local rescue.

12. Ferrets are delicate animals, which must be handled carefully. Ferrets originated in northern Europe, and therefore, although it can handle reasonably low temperatures fairly well, not suited to summer temperatures in many parts of the United States. Which you can get easily dehydrated because they have sweat glands, who are uncomfortable with the temperature of about 80 degrees. Ferrets can become severe thermal stresses and temperatures higher than 85 degrees higher mortality. Consider the local climate - and how much you're willing to spend on air conditioning - before bringing home a ferret.

There are other health risks when you have a ferret to take into account. Some human influenza virus and bacterial infections and can pass between ferrets. If you are sick, you need or have friends or relatives to care for your pet for a few days. Otherwise, you should wash your hands thoroughly before treatment Ferret - Avoid contact with him or her as possible.

Even if you do not have a dog. The virus can hit the ground, or a dog is picked up and can put the disease back home without realizing away from home. The virus in ferrets vaccinated 100% fatal, so stay on the safe side, and with your veterinarian about getting the vaccine.

13. It is not easy to find a good veterinarian for exotic animals. The sad truth is that most veterinary offices equipped to handle only dogs and cats. Even veterinarians who say they are willing to ferret may not know much about their unique health needs. Before we promised that if you want to get a ferret, you should do for yourself, study your local options. Find online for comment. Ferret owners were connecting the local community and the request for proposals. Call the vet's office, asking if ferrets. If they say yes, ask for details - trying to figure out how much of a particular veterinarian to treat ferrets where they learn, if they have any of their ferrets and how long they have been practicing.

Then, once you find a vet who knows what they are doing, keep looking. Always keep in case your sick leave plan or veterinary primary backing vacation. What options exist for the emergency vet in your area to understand, but you're here because you never know when you will have to reach a problem at night or on weekends.

14. Ferrets can not even legally occupy your area. Some countries and regions of the United States for a variety of reasons a complete ban on ferrets. Ferrets can not be imported into Australia if - it makes sense once you realize how many problems they have had with non-native invasive species. In New Zealand, wild weasel, ferret breeding hybrids intended to control the rabbit population in the 1870s, the destruction of wild populations.

In the United States, ferrets prohibited from Hawaii and Puerto Rico, due to concerns about the possible spread of rabies. I think this is a realistic concern, considering that most ferrets have been disinfected, but the law is the law - in California, ferrets, pet ferret escape because breeding could undermine the concern banned the local ecosystem. Limit New York City and Washington, DC. Some states, like Rhode Island, allow ferrets only with a permit. Always check your local laws before using ferret his heart set - do not want to take your pet away from you, euthanasia or lack of treatment due to local laws.

In this sense, most states require for ferrets, have to be the same way dogs and cats vaccination against rabies. Make sure that complies with local laws with you even ferrets are legal in your area.

15. Last but not least, the ferret property could end in tragedy. Ferrets are my favorite in the world of animals. I would like to have all of them as pets. I like his quirky personality, who are looking for new and interesting ways to create mischief habits, his sudden surprise with his passion for life is contagious. So while I do not want to employ people from one of these wonderful pets discouraged, it is not a big drawback has profound potential pet parents need to know.

Unfortunately, ferrets are not very healthy animals. Chronic illnesses and cancer, including lymph nodes, adrenal disease, pancreatic cancer, and even heart disease are high. Tend to be expensive; there is always pressure from the owners and their furry companions.

When pain is necessary for the potential emotional care of sick animals to be prepared, you must be willing to pay for expensive vet bills economically - potentially more than $ 1,000 - when the older ferret is introduced. Do not take the ferret, if you know you can not emotionally handle pets very sick or elderly economic possibilities.

That said, with Ferrets are very useful, but these animals can provide a loyal, loving companion for many years. If your furry friend insisted bad when you're not ready, you are so committed to checking your pet in his later years, congratulations regularly. His way is the best pet ferrets females may want to prepare very well.

See also：

https://voiceferret.tumblr.com/post/176679795365/about-ferrets-basic-information