#slowly gonna start clearing my inbox. starting with this ask from... december...

[valve3nthusiast]

Hey hey, hey, minimus in the Magnus armor with a huge dildo trapped in his valve. Maybe for his systems to run optimally he needs to get rid of his charge regularly (read: tyrest says he HAS to masterbate regularly and record it to ensure the armor syncs up correctly. I love tyrest being a little creep when it comes to Ultra Magnus/the loadbearers) so he follows the rules and has a scheduled time for it. And then, in the middle of sinking down on a dildo that stretches his valve almost to its maximum, he gets an emergency call from Rodimus that something is going wrong and Ultra Magnus is needed in the bridge immediately! In his panic to get the bridge he kinda, forgets to pull it out.

He gets to the bridge and the emergency is something stupid they do need him to fix, and it takes FOREVER. It only takes 20 mins but it feels like it takes forever as minimus becomes aware that everytime the armor takes a step it bumps the dildo a little bit. Not enough to make minimus overload, but just enough he can't focus.

But once he finishes fixing the problem a bunch of others things need his attention. Everyone assumes Ultra Magnus is pissed off because he's just stone faced and completely silent as he helps out, but the real problem is Minimus can't talk without moaning, hes so close to an overload. And he still has a couple hours of things to fix before he can go back to his room

Tyrest incel moment

Oagh Mims having to put 100% of his concentration into not making an "I'm about to overload" face as he realizes the machinery of the armor subtly vibrates through the dildo, what feels like directly into his ceiling node

The stupid "emergency" involves a great deal of tracking down various people who are in places they're not supposed to be, which means so much walking. So. Much. Walking. He didn't even shut his modesty panel before he jumped into the armor, not that he could close it over the flared base, and it gently rocks into his valve with every step

Taking stairs is torture. Actual torture. And of course Ultra Magnus always takes the stairs, elevators are for actual emergencies (or those with mobility impairment) and if anyone asks why he's using the elevator, he'd probably moan. He thinks, a little hysterically, that he's going to have to clean lubricant out of the Magnus armor later

[p4nkow]

You take my breath away - part II

I’m enjoying writing this fic more than I should so here’s the second part! Of course please let me know what you think, I love reading your comments ☕️ 

Part I

As usual while reading this fic you need to pretend that Dominique was given much more space on the storyline, just like to the other love interests of the boys. Of course it is just fiction, even though I tried to make it as realistic as possible. I know it might seem a bit confusing so if you have any questions or if you’d like to let me know what you think of it just know that my DMs and Inbox are always open :) 

Summary: reader has always dreamt of being an actress and she gets the chance of a lifetime when she’s cast as Dominique Beyrand in the infamous biopic about the legend himself, Freddie Mercury. But what will happen when she gets to know better the man who plays his love interest in the movie, Roger Taylor? Will Ben and Y/N’s story be as lucky as the one of characters they portray or will they be starcrossed lovers? Because it happens that things might get complicated because of Ellie, Ben’s long-term girlfriend.

Gif not mine so credit to the owner!

London - December 10th, 2017

To say that Ben was devastated was an understatement. The first week after the breakup had been the worst — he did nothing but focus on work, even a little too much. It was his way to get distracted. And add insult to injury: not only he had broken up with with his long-term girlfriend, but she’d also taken one of the most important things in this world to him — his beagle Frankie. That had crushed him.

During those days you’d gotten closer to him, even more than before. All the free nights in which you weren’t busy filming, he’d come to your trailer. Sometimes the two of you spent hours watching TV-shows on Netflix, sometimes you just talked until late nights.

“Does it tingle somewhere?” Clara — your costume assistant — took a step away from you to admire her work. You hadn’t only the chance to wear that amazing dress, whose brights colours put you in a good mood, but you were also wearing a fake pregnant belly! Back in the early 80s Dominique was pregnant with Felix and her belly was quite evident.

You shook your head ‘no’ to reply at her question and you moved your gaze from her to your reflection in the mirror. The sight of the fake pregnant belly on you made you smile — maybe one day it wouldn’t be just fake.

“You comfy in it?” You went back to looking at Clara by hearing her worried tone, smiling just to reassure her.

“Yeah, it fits”, You said with a small laugh. She quickly nodded and put away the needle she was holding. “It’s beautiful.”

Her cheeks slowly turned rose at your compliment and she smiled at you by giving you a look from above her shoulder. “It’s been made just for you.” And you wouldn’t get used to all that not even in a million years.

The album ‘News of the World’ was softly playing in the background as the two of you finalised the dress. You placed a hand on your fake belly and Clara gave you a look you couldn’t read when the door of the trailer swung open.

You heard loud laughters before hearing Ben say in his deep, hoarse voice “Yeah you probably shouldn’t have done that, mate.”

Both you and Clara turned towards him as soon as he entered the trailer. You were getting used to see him in his Roger clothes so you were a bit surprised when you noticed he was wearing a grey hoodie and black sweatpants. A burning cigarette was resting between his lips, which were a bit parted. He looked at you after closing the door behind him and raised a corner of his lips in a little smile when he noticed what you were wearing.

“No smoking in here!”, Clara immediately said and Ben was forced to move his gaze off you, but you’d already blushed because of the look in his eyes.

He quickly raised his brows as if he had suddenly remembered that rule, putting the cigarette out. “Sorry ma’am.” Then he walked towards you, standing right by your side. “Here’s my wife”, He murmured at you with a smile, looking at you through the mirror. His beautiful face lit up when he grinned at you before placing a quick kiss on your already rose cheek. The wife-thing was kinda of a joke between the two of you but you gained a confused look by Clara.

“What’ve you got there?”, You asked him by noticing the bag he was holding, trying to take the edge off.

He placed his keys on the desk right next to you and took a seat on the couch at your back, forcing you to turn around to look directly at him, immediately meeting his green eyes.

“I’ve been looking for you and Gwil told me you had a fitting.” He was literally sprawled in the sofa and for the first time in days he seemed relaxed. “So I went to grab something to eat.”

Right after finishing putting in order her things, Clara was about to walk out and leave the two of you alone, but then she turned towards you and said “Please, don’t get your dress dirty. I have no desire in struggling to wash away the mayonnaise.” You chuckled and after promising her you wouldn’t, you sat next to Ben and she left.

“Lunch then, huh?”

“Yup”, He replied without looking at you, starting to rummage in the bag before pulling out a sandwich.

You gave him a grateful smile while grabbing it. “And why aren’t we having lunch with the boys?” Not that you minded. At all.

But he misunderstood your tone and quickly looked at you with worry in his eyes. “Oh, ‘m sorry. I thought it might be a good idea being just—”

“Hey, hey, hey. Stop.” You placed a hand on his arm to catch his attention and to stop him from putting away the food. “It is a good idea. It really is, Ben. ‘m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound like if I don’t appreciate it. I do, it’s perfect.” His eyes were fixed on yours while you were talking, desperately trying to convince him.

He cleared his throat and nodded, looking away from you. “I thought it might be a good idea to be just the two of us for a while.”

And you quickly nodded, smiling to reassure him. “It is, Ben. Now gimme that burger, I gotta eat for two by now, y’know”, You joked, placing a hand on your fake belly. He laughed, peeking out his tongue as usual while unwrapping his own sandwich.

It was hard for you to feel comfortable while wearing it and Ben noticed it. “You comfy?” He asked with his brows narrowed and you groaned in response so he chuckled and patted on his lap. “Place your legs here, love.”

You tried to ignore that nickname and you gave him a surprised look. He softly murmured “C’mon” and nodded as to confirm his proposal, so you did.

“Thanks”, You murmured while lowering your gaze to your sandwich, somehow managing to unwrap it. You could still feel his gaze on you and then, after taking a bite of his burger, he murmured in an amused tone “You still blush? After all this time?”

“Oh c’mon” You groaned. To be completely honest you hadn’t even noticed that your cheeks’d turned slightly red. “I’m not blushing.”

“Oh yeah, you are.” He softly laughed while grazing his bottom lip.

“Fuck off”, You replied while playfully pushing him away, causing him to laugh even harder.

“So”, He started after a few moments of silence. “You always wanted to be an actress?“

You slowly nodded while wiping away your mouth. “Yeah, but I also had a plan B.”

“Which was...?”

“Being an astronaut.” And Ben laughed. Hard. With a deep, sexy sound which made you feel things.

“Seriously? And how would you do that?”

“I swear! I always told my mum that if I didn’t succeed as an actress then I would’ve been an astronaut. And”, You said in an amused tone, trying not to burst into laughter because of the look in Ben’s face. “I was bloody sure I would be the one to take the first step on Mars.”

Ben peeked out his tongue while smiling, which was something he often did and to which you were getting used to. “You’ve always dreamt big, love.”

You felt shivers running down your spine when you felt his hand gently caress your bare knee. He seemed to notice the surprised look in your eyes but he didn’t move it away.

You gave him a thankful smile when he extended you the Coke. “I wanted to be a rugby player.”

“Really? What did stop you?”

He shrugged and slipped his hands through his hair — which was getting longer, you happily noticed — to drive it off his face. “Got a lot of injuries and I couldn’t play anymore. A friend of mine invited me to a drama club and the rest is history.”

And since that day you looked at him from a different light ‘cause when you raised your gaze to meet his, the things you felt by looking at his green eyes were completely new to you. And you were terrified.

London - December 15th, 2017

“One, two, three, four... year, now the hand.”

“Like that?”

It was your last day of shooting and Joe had insisted to teach you the BaB dance. You were a terrible dancer but God, you were having so much fun!

“Y/N is a better dancer than you, mate.” Joe gave Gwil a death stare, causing you to chuckle. The truth was, you couldn’t take Joe seriously when in his Live Aid look. That day you were filming some scenes pre-performance and it meant to finally have some scenes with the rest of the boys, too.

You winked at Gwilym while trying to imitate Joe’s moves, who said “We’re gonna talk about it when I’m gonna win Dancing with the stars.”

You bursted into laughter and Gwil shook his head in amusement. “In your dreams, maybe.”

“Okay, maybe I got it.” Joe gave you an excited look by hearing your words .

“Let’s film it, then! Gwil?”

“Yeah, mate”, He replied. You took your huge coat off and moved closer to Joe. Gwil was ready to film it, phone in hands and an amused look on his face.

And you nailed every move except for the last one — Joe was supposed to raise a leg and place it on your joined hands but you lost your balance and the two of you almost fell to the ground.

You heard Gwil laughing hard and the shocked look Joe’s face cracked you up, forcing you to sit on the ground while trying to take deep breaths between a laugh and the other.

“D’ya still think she’s better than me?”, Joe asked Gwil in an amused tone.

Breathless, you tried to apologise to him when your gaze fell on what was happening a few trailers away. Ben and Ellie were one right in front of the other and they were clearly arguing. Ben threw his arms in the air and Ellie’s ones were crossed on her chest, but she stomped her feet in anger.

“You okay?”, Gwil asked you, noticing you were still laying on the ground. You forced yourself to look away from them and you faked a smile, taking the hand Joe was extending you to get up.

“Yeah”, You murmured, adjusting the folds of your dress.

Joe was uploading the video on Instagram — fail included — when Ben joined you. He was clearly upset — his breath heavy and the veins on his hands were now more evident.

“‘s everything okay, mate?” He moved his gaze to Gwil by hearing his question and quickly nodded, murmuring a soft “Yeah.”

Joe looked at him first and then at you, so you insisted. “You sure?”

“Fucking hell, I said I’m fine!”

His harsh words made you blink in surprise and flinch. The anger in his face left place to regret, his features relaxing as he took a step towards you.

“Ben”, You heard Joe say as a warning while he started to say “Y/N, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—”

But you were too humiliated and hurt to hear his apologies, so you vaguely gestured towards the trailers and said “I’ll go look for Lucy.”

“Y/N.” His voice was now low and hoarse; he even tried to grab your wrist when you walked past him but you avoided his touch. He seemed hurt by your rejection and you heard him murmur “Fuck.” You were sure you heard the boys whisper something, too but you couldn’t catch their words.

You tried to hold back tears while you walked towards Lucy’s trailer and you spent most of the remaining free time you had before filming in her and Priya’s company.

Lucy noticed there was something wrong with you so you smiled to reassure her when you caught her staring at you.

Your phone buzzed when you got a new message and you knew who it was from even before reading the name of the contact: it was from Ben.

“I’m so, so sorry. Please talk to me”, It read.

Pointless to say that you ignored him for the rest of the day.

London - December 16th, 2017

It was a Saturday night and it was the day after your last day of shooting and your little spat with Ben, too.

All the cast members were heading home for the Christmas break but before doing so, you were spending a night together for a few drinks. You’d have loved to get ready for the night with Lucy, but she was more than busy with Rami. It pushed you to pick your outfit by yourself and that’s probably why it took you a whole afternoon.

You went for a red sweater with a black tartan skirt matched with black, hugh boots. And you spent at least 45 minutes to convince yourself to walk out from your flat.

Anxiety was eating you alive during the drive — you were so nervous that you didn’t even hear the uber when he asked you something.

“I’m sorry?”

He gave you a look through the rearview mirror. “Aren’t you an actress?”

You shyly smiled at him. “I guess I am, yeah.”

He proudly smiled and it was a new thing for you to be recognised by people. “My little girl’s obsessed with you and that boy, Ben-something.”

“Hardy?”, You suggested and he quickly nodded.

“Yeah, she’s way too excited for that movie of yours.”

And his words made you incredibly happy. “What’s your daughter’s name?”

“Juliet.” And the pride in his voice made you smile even wider.

“Then please tell Juliet I say hello and that I hope she’ll love the movie.”

“I will. Thank you, miss.”

You got to the pub shortly after. The music wasn’t as loud as you thought it’d be and luckily it wasn’t even that crowded.

“You’re late.” You hadn’t noticed Lucy walking towards you until when she grabbed you by your arm, giving you the biggest of the smiles.

“And you’re definitely in a good mood. Does Rami have something to do with it?” She gave you a shocked but amused look while she led you to your table.

“Maybe.” It was nice to see how quickly things had escalated between them — you still remembered the looks they exchanged during the very first table read.

“Naughty girl.”

“Hey, Y/N!” Gwil waved at you and you noticed he was the only one sitting at the table. You gave him a smile and sat right next to him while Lucy took seat in front of you. “Am I really late or Lucy’s just being too dramatic?”, You asked him as you got comfy in your seat. To be honest he looked nice and you noticed that glasses looked really good on him.

“Given that it’s just the four of us for now...” He left his sentence incomplete.

“Four?” The math didn’t work, given that you’d only seen him and Lucy.

“Rami’s in the toilet”, Lucy explained.

“Oh, right.”

“‘xcuse me”, She suddenly said, trying to catch the attention of the waiter. “Could we please have four margarita’s?”

“Aren’t we gonna wait for the others?” You asked and she moved her gaze to you at your question. You were glad Ben wasn’t there yet — you had still time to think how to act around him.

“It’s not like we’re having just those margaritas. Think of it as a warm-up.”

Gwil stopped humming the song that was playing on the background and said “She’s terrible when it comes to alcohol.”

“Hey, Y/N!” You stood up to greet Rami before he took his place right next to Lucy. You started to relax as the four of you started to chat and Priya arrived shortly after. Turns out you weren’t late all.

But suddenly your phone started to ring so you excused yourself and you got out of the room to get Laura’s phone-call.

You started to walk back and forth in the sidewalk as you spoke with her, making plans for the upcoming week when you felt someone tapping on your shoulder.

You turned around just to see Ben and your lips parted in surprise when you gave him a better look. He was wearing a black leather jacket with a white shirt and and dark jeans and damn — he looked good.

You raised your index finger as to tell him to wait a second. “I gotta go, I’ll see you in the morning. Yeah, mom. Bye.” And you were secretly hoping Ben didn’t hear the comments she made about him.

“Hey”, He said as soon as you hung off the phone. You gave him a little smile and raised your chin to meet his gaze. “Hey.”

You could feel yourself blush when you felt his eyes raking his body. “You look good.”

You bit your lower lip at his words, his eyes instantly coming into contact with yours. “You do, too.”

There was some tension you could cut with a knife. Ben cleared his throat and gave a quick look at the people surrounding you. “Can we move to somewhere more private? I need to talk to you.”

And when you nodded he gently grabbed your hand and led you to an alley right next to the pub. To say that you were nervous was an understatement. You just hoped your hand wouldn’t get sweaty.

But your concerns were unnecessary because he let go of your hand while placing himself right in front of you. You already missed his touch — his hand, so big compared to yours, made you feel safe, somehow.

His eyes had a completely different shade under the street lamp. “I wanted to apologise for yesterday. I’m so bloody sorry, I shouldn’t have snapped like that.”

You crossed your arms in your chest and lowered your gaze for a few moments before looking back at him. “It’s okay”, You softly said.

“No, it’s not”, He replied with his brows narrowed. You heard him taking a deep breath and then he came closer to you. “When I saw the look in your face... I hated that it was because of me. I’m so, so sorry, love.”

“It’s just...” You started to say and he gave you a nod as to tell you to keep going. “If you’ve problems with her just don’t take it out on us — me and the boys.”

“You’re completely right, love. I shouldn’t have done that.”

There were a few moments of silence. When you met again his eyes you could easily feel that the atmosphere had suddenly changed. You noticed the bob of his Adam’s apple, the way he bit his bottom lip — which was something he did often, but in that moment it had a completely different effect on you.

And by the was he was staring at you and by his body language, you knew what came next. The anticipation made your breath become heavier and the look he had in his eyes made your toes curl.

The two of you leaned in sync, his hand placed on your cheek as to gently caress it. When his soft lips collided harshly with yours you let out a little moan, but then you kissed him back, deepening the kiss as your tongue met his. It tasted like mint and cigarettes.

His hand moved to your hip and the two of you recoiled, your back hitting the wall. You placed both your hands on his neck, caressing it before letting your fingers slip through his hair. You couldn’t put in words what you were feeling in that moment — his touch, so secure yet so gentle, sent little tremors to your lower abdomen, making you crave for more.

But then you started to overthink.

What if it’s too soon?

What if he’s not really interested in you?

But especially, what if he’s doing it just to forget Ellie?

And your concerns came true when your kiss was interrupted by the ringing of his phone. He backed away from your lips by placing in them a last, gentle kiss before murmuring in a low voice “Shit.”

You were sure your cheek were by now bright red. He took his phone from his back pocket, his breath still heavy. There was no need for you to read the contact’s name to know who it was. You got it from the look he gave you before answering the call.

And your heart sank anyway when you heard him say “Ellie?”

You looked away from him, feeling even more humiliated than the previous day. His eyes were fixed on yours, trying to catch your reaction and full of concern. “What? Hell, no. Calm down, I’ll be right there.”

You lowered your gaze, crossing again your arms in your chest. “Fuck”, He murmured under his breath. “I’m sorry, Y/N. I really gotta go.” He sounded desperate as he tried to meet your gaze and you limited yourself to just nod at his words.

He started to recoil from you, swearing again under his breath. He slipped a hand through his hair while saying “I’ll call you in the morning, alright?”

And that’s when you couldn’t take it anymore. “No, don’t bother.”

He gave you a surprised look by hearing your words. “What?”

You took a step towards him, your face a few inches away from his. Even though you had a know in your throat and you were deeply hurt, you managed to seem unbothered. “I don’t wanna be with someone who’s not 100% with me — mind, body and heart. And you clearly aren’t and can’t be.”

You walked away from him under his gaze, which was closely following your movements in regret and disbelief. Ben Hardy couldn’t be give you a 100% ‘cause his heart still belonged to someone else.

Taglist: @caborhapch @ohtheseboysilove @classy-fangirl @royalblueviper @rogers-weirdo @geek-and-proud @mrsbenhardyx @julessbrown @the-little-warbler  @bouncingjoe @benders-diamond-earring @radiob-l-a-hblah @luvborhap

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[aroha-x-astro-blog]

I’m Sorry

Hey y’all~!! So I got the idea for this when I read that one Binnie article when he talked about Myungjun having girlfriends in the past and why he broke up with them and stuff, and thus the fic was created. I hope you like it and y’all should tell me in my inbox if I should write out the backstory for this or not OR send me your own writing ideas if you think i can do them any justice. i’m not the greatest writer but i try. here it is and y’all should give me your thoughts on it when you’re done reading if you can get to the end of this

here it is~~

“Morning babe,” I mumble as I rub the sleep from my eyes. Smiling, I turn around to see my boyfriend’s sleeping face but am met with an unfamiliar view of the wall. Confused, I sit up reaching my arms to the sky to stretch my sleep heavy limbs, wondering where Myungjun was.

Deciding to get up and look for him, I push the covers to the empty side of the bed and shiver from having left it’s warmth. Looking for something to wear, I spot the sweater Myungjun was wearing yesterday lying on the floor. I pick it up and slip it on, inhaling the familiar scent of lavender detergent and cologne.

Content with my find, I walk out of the bedroom and make my way towards the bathroom, wondering if he had just woken up earlier than I had this morning. I open the door only to find it empty. Becoming slightly more worried, I brush it off as Myungjun probably having an early day at work. I began brushing my teeth, wondering where Myungjun was. It’s weird for him to be up early in the morning in general, but he always wakes me up to tell me he’s leaving if he has an early morning job.

Now that I’m thinking about it, it’s also weird for him to leave his stuff on the floor. He’s not a neat freak, but also hates it when I leave my (and his) clothes on the floor, so finding his sweater just lying on the ground is a little weird too.

Feeling slightly more anxious- but only slightly because there’s probably no need to worry - I walk out of the bathroom back to the bedroom to get my phone. I dig through the millions of pillows that he suggest having on the bed for a few minutes before finding it. I unlock it, silently praying for a message or something to let me know where he is or that he’s okay. They must have not been heard because there was nothing. Not a text, not a phone call, nothing.

My heart was starting to beat a little faster. I dial his number, hoping that Myungjun will pick up and tell me that I was just being a worry wort.

He didn��t pick up.

Slipping my phone into the pockets of the sweater, I close my eyes, telling my heart that it was freaking out for no reason. There is nothing wrong. He probably just went for a walk and thought he’d be back before I woke up.

Standing in the room for a few minutes, I keep telling myself that he’ll be home soon. I keep telling myself that nothing’s wrong and that Myungjun will be home soon.

After I’ve said that enough times, my heart starts to calm down. I could hear it pounding in my ears and I knew that I needed to move. Making my to the kitchen, I head for the fridge to grab look for something to eat when I see an envelope on the table.

A wave of relief floods my body when I see the familiar handwriting. I lift it off the table when something feels off about the whole thing. Why would Myungjun put his letter in an envelope? If he just wanted to let me know he had gone for a walk, why go through all the trouble of finding an envelope to put such a simple note in?

And the contents inside seemed to be more than just a single page. Unsure of what to make of the situation, I sit down at the table and open the letter slowly, cautiously tearing the flap as if I’m expecting something to come out of it and surprise me.

Nothing of the sort happens, and when I make rip off the last bit, I pull out multiple pieces of paper, covered in writing. Unfolding them, I scan all of them and note that there are a couple letters in here, all written on different dates.

                                                          ~~~~

17 May 2016

Hey

 I come home every night wondering why you’re still with me. I’m never there to say goodnight to you or talk about how your day went and when I am I’m too tired to really be there for you.

 I’m sorry you have such a shitty boyfriend. You deserve better and I’m sorry that I love you too much to let you leave my life.

                                                            ~~~~

 I just sit there, looking at the unfamiliar words written in familiar handwriting. I have never heard Myungjun say anything like this. He hasn’t ever mentioned feeling like this to me.I couldn’t comprehend what I was reading

  Mouth hanging open, I look for the next letter, hoping it would clear something up.

                                                            ~~~~

24 July 2016

Hey

 I’m so sorry I missed our anniversary. I did everything I could to rework my schedule so that I could be there with you, but I failed you.

 I would have given anything to be there with you. I’m so sorry you ended up with a boyfriend like me. You should be with someone who’s gonna be there for you when you need them. That’s not me.

 I’m so sorry.

                                                            ~~~~

 This letter had water spots on it, smearing the blue ink in some places. My heart hurt seeing them. I knew they were tears. I knew that Myungjun had cried writing this letter and that hurt me. I had told him that he shouldn’t feel guilty about missing our anniversary, and I knew that a small bit of him would feel guilty, but this was worse than what I imagined. Pulling out the next letter in the stack, I try and swallow the lump forming in my throat and keep reading.

                                                            ~~~~

4 October 2016

 You’re so distant these days. Are you finally getting tired of me? I knew that this would happen eventually, but I kept hoping that it never would. My love for you keeps growing every second I’m alive and with you, but the thought that you might not love me hurts more than anything I’ve ever experienced.

 I’m sorry I’m not the boyfriend you wanted. I just want you to be happy, but I keep getting the feeling that you’d be happier without me.

 Please don’t let that be true.

                                                            ~~~~

 I’m crying as I read this letter. Around this time, Myungjun seemed so sad and out of it, I thought it was better for me to give him his space. Whenever I had gone up to ask him if he was okay, he’d start acting like nothing was the matter, putting on a smile and acting like he did when he was on camera, and I read that as him wanting to deal with this on his own. I kept telling him that I was there for him if he needed to talk, but he never did say anything.

 I wish he had felt like he could have told me all this instead of keeping it to himself.

                                                            ~~~~

31 December 2016

 It’s almost the new year and I’m not there with you. Are you thinking about me? Do you wish I was there with you? I wish I was there with you. I wish I could hold you in my arms and whisper “Happy New Year. I love you” to you the second it turned midnight. I wish I could see your smiling face one more time before the year comes to an end.

 Do you wanna see my face? Do you miss me? Are you thinking the same thoughts I am right now? Do you wish you were with me at the beginning of the new year?

 Will your heart still be mine in this new year… will you want to be with me another year… do you still love me… did you ever love me…?

 Please don’t answer that. I’m too afraid to hear the answer.

 I don’t want to hear the words I know will leave your mouth if you were to answer. I wouldn’t be able to hear that.

I’m afraid.

                                                            ~~~~

 “I love you,” I whisper. “I love you, I have always loved you, and I always will love you. No matter what happens, you’re the only one I’m ever going to love.” The more I read, the more I can feel my heart breaking. People always talk about having their heart broken, and we had gotten into fights before where I felt like the world was ending, but this is an entirely new sensation.

 I hate it. I hate knowing that Myungjun thought that I didn’t love him just as much as he loved me. I hate thinking about how he must have felt. I hate knowing that I didn’t reassure and give him enough love.

 I can feel the tears start welling up in my eyes and before I can try and stop them, they start rolling down my cheeks. I don’t have the energy to wipe them away. My whole body feels heavy. My heart feels like if full of lead and I hate it.

 With one letter left, I close my eyes, trying to prepare myself for what could really be the worst thing to ever happen to me. When I look at the date, I want to stop right then and there.

 This letter was written today

                                                            ~~~~

29 May 2017

 If you’re reading this, then you’ve probably read all the other letters too… 

I’m sorry. I wish I could have been a better boyfriend to you. I loved you and I always will, but you deserve better. I can’t tell this to your face because I know you’ll say that you still love me, but I know that you’d be happier with someone else.

 I’m sorry.

 I love you. I always will.

 You need this, which is the only reason I’m leaving you. If it means you’ll be happy, I’d do anything, even if it meant the end of my world.

 I hope you find someone who will really make you happy.

                                                            ~~~~

 “You made me happy,” I whisper to the letter as tears roll down my cheeks and onto the final letter, causing the ink to smudge. “You made me happy!” I yell in frustration, throwing the letter away from me, holding my head in my hands and letting the sobs I had been holding back escape my throat. I can’t hold them back anymore. I sit there for what seems like an eternity and a few moments at the same time. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.

 I don’t know how much time passes before I stop crying more because I don’t have any tears left than anything else. I look at the now tear-soaked letters, the ink having smudged so much that I can barely read them. I don’t want to read them again.

 They represented everything that I had done wrong in our relationship. I wish I could go back and correct everything that I had led to Myungjun feeling like this. I wish I could talk to him one more time and tell him that I loved him so much and that if he left, his world wouldn’t be the only one that ended.

 I want to call him or call his work or just find him and tell him anything and everything that would reassure him that he really is the only one for me. I really want to just pour my heart out to him one more time, hoping that it’ll show him that I love him and that I’m not getting tired of of and that I could never get tired of him.

 But this is what Myungjun wants. I he really wants to do this, then I am going to respect his wishes because I love him. I stand up, feeling a little light headed from the sudden movement, I slowly make my way to the bathroom. Looking in the mirror, my eyes are red and there are dried tear streaks on my cheeks.

 Turning the faucet on full blast, I splash the cold water on my face, trying to wake myself up. After a few rubs, I hold my face in my hands, biting my lip as tears start to form, threatening to spill over again.

 Washing my face one more time, I walk out of the bathroom to my bedroom and changed out of my clothes. Taking Myungjun’s sweater off slowly and carefully, laying it out on the bed, I put on some going out clothes. I pulled on a pair of black jeans and an oversized gray-white sweater, and slipped on some gray sneakers that Myungjun had bought me a few weeks ago.

 Slapping on some basic makeup and sliding on the glasses that I thought made me look like a dork but Myungjun, for some reason, said made me look cute so that my red eyes were less noticeable, and I leave the apartment.

 I walk by the kitchen on my way out and look at the letters. Grabbing them off the table, I put them back in the envelope and slide them in the back pocket of my jeans. I don’t know why I do that, but I didn’t want to leave without them. They were the last thing I had of Myungjun, and even if I want to cry again whenever I think about them it feels wrong to leave without them

 I open the door to the outside and am blasted with a rush of the cold air. Taking it in, I close the door behind me and walk wherever my feet carry me. I don’t pay attention to much that’s happening around me. I only ever look up when I need to cross a street or to mumble an apology if I’ve bumped into someone.

 My phone starts ringing and snaps me out my daze. Pulling it out of my back pocket, I shuffle over to the side of the sidewalk and see that Moon Bin’s calling me. Answering before thinking, I put the phone next to my ear and walk into the store behind me. It wasn’t until the smell of coffee and baked goods hit me that I realized I had walked into a café. Making my way to the back of the store and sitting down as a table for two, I say, “Hello?”

 “Hey, where are you?” Moon Bin asked. His voice sounded slightly out of breath like he was jogging or something, but I could hear the smile on his face.

 “Why?” I respond, not wanting to give away too much.

 “I was just at your place, and no one was there.” I can hear the slightest bit of concern in his voice which didn’t help me feel any less guilty about everything that’s happened since I woke up this morning.  

 “Myungjun had an early day and I decided to go for a walk.” A waitress came up to me, placed a glass of water on the table, and handed me a menu, silently excusing herself, whispering that when I was ready to just call her over. Nodding my head, I mouth “Thank you” to her and open it. “Why, did you want something?”

 “But I just saw Myungjun at the park on my way to your place,” Moon Bin said, sounding puzzled. “Are you sure he…”

 My heart drops to my stomach the moment I hear those words. “But I just saw Myungjun at the park.” Putting the menu down, I lift the cup to my lips and drink some of the water, hoping that the feeling of hurling all over the table would subside.

 It didn’t. I feel even worse.

 “Hey, are you okay?”

 Moon Bin’s voice is what grounds me enough to swallow the feeling and respond. “Y- yeah, just got a little dizzy. You said Myungjun was at the park?”

 “Yeah! I asked him where you were, and he said you were home. Where are you anyway?”

 I sit back in my chair. “I’m in a café. I walked into some random place when I saw you were calling me.” Fiddling with the half empty glass of water, I stand up and pick up the menu, returning it to the waitress, flashing her the most apologetic smile I could muster right now.

 Walking out of the café, I look around the sidewalk trying to spot Moon Bin. “Where are you, I’m outside now.” I turn my back, trying to spot him in the direction that I came from, but someone’s blocking my view. I sidestep them, but they move with me, and I’m face-to-face with someone’s white shirt. Pulling the phone away from my ear, I look up to confront the person when I see the box smile and cute nose that belong to this person.

 “Moon Bin.” I take a step back and end the call. It’s a relief seeing his face.I’ve been in unfamiliar territory all day, seeing something - or in this case someone - that I knew and felt comfortable with.

 “Hey, are you oka-” Before he can finish his sentence and without much thought, I give him a hug, squeezing a little harder normal. We stand there for a second before he wraps his arms around me.

 Moon Bin lowers his head so that it’s resting on top of mine. “Are you okay?” he mumbles into my hair. I nod my head in response, burying my face in his shirt. We stand there, hugging, for a while as I gather my bearings being an unknowing pillar of support for me.

 “Hey, Bin. have you seen…” We pull away from each other just enough to see Myungjun standing in front of us, mouth open slightly, eyes red, his face a little puffy.

 “My - Myungjun,” I stutter out, my heart skipping more than a few beats. The world around me seems to fade as I look into his eyes and all I see are tears start to form and his heart breaking. I want to explain why I’m hugging Moon Bin to him, but before I can say anything Myungjun turns to face Moon Bin and flashes him his signature smile.

 “Hey Bin? Could you give us a moment please?” he asks nonchalantly, but I can hear the quiver in his voice, and I’m sure Moon Bin can too.

 “Yeah, sure,” he responds, letting go of me. I break eye contact with Myungjun and look at Moon Bin, and I see the confused look on his face. Looking back at me, he says, “See you later?”

 “Yeah. Sure.” I give him a small smile, trying my hardest not to break down. Waving at him as he walks away, I turn back to Myungjun, but he’s also walking away from me.

 “Myungjun. Myungjun, wait!” I chase after him until I’m walking next to him, unsure of what to do or say.

 So we do and say nothing; neither of us say a word or tries to get away from the other. We walk alongside each other for a few minutes, me following Myungjun’s lead, until we end up in a park. We walk until we find the jungle gym. I stop walking next to him once we get to the woodchips, but he doesn’t until he sits on one of the swings.

 We don’t look at each other. I stand there, looking down at the floor, wondering where to start or what I can say that won’t make me cry the moment I open my mouth.

 “Did you read the letters?” Snapping me out of my thoughts, I look up at Myungjun. His eyes are still trained on the ground.

 Remembering that I had them with me, I pull them out and hold them out to him. “You mean these ones?”

 Finally looking up, I see him grimace once he sees the envelope. Looking away again, he responds, “Yeah. Those ones.”

 Making my way to him, I sit down one swing away from him and start talking. “I read them this morning. I woke up and this was the first thing I did. I went searching for you, but I found these instead.” Laughing to myself I continue. “I cried while reading, so the ink is smeared on some of them.”

 I offer him the envelope over the swing in between us, When he doesn’t take it, I say, “Hey, I know that things are kinda shitty right now, but my arm’s getting tired so could you maybe…?” I shake the envelope a little, and he takes it from me. He doesn’t open it, but he doesn’t say anything either.

 Leaning back and looking up at the sky, I ask the questions that have been bugging me ever since I read that first letter. “Did I do something wrong, Myungjun? Did I say something or-”

 “Stop.” Slowly sitting up, I look over to see Myungjun clutching the envelope in his hand. He’s clenching his fist hard enough where it looks like his veins are about to pop from the exertion. I reorient myself so that I’m facing him, but he’s still looking at the floor. “Just… stop okay? You didn’t do anything.” His voice is quivering again, and it hurts.

 “But then why would you write those letters if i didn’t do anything?” I start, getting more frustrated the longer I talked. “Myungjun, I don’t know what I did, but I’m so-”

 “Stop!” He stands up, pacing the length of the swing set, letting the envelope fall to the ground. “You didn’t do anything. None of this is your fault, okay?” He stops and looks at me for the first time since we started talking and says, “It’s mine.”

 “No, it’s not, and I don’t want you believing that.” I stand up and take a step towards him, but he flinches, and I can feel my heart cracking again. “It’s not your fault.”

 “Didn’t you read my letters? How can you say that it’s not my fault when-”

 “Then we’re either both at fault or no one’s at fault! Choose one because I won’t let you- “ My voice cracks, and I stop. I take a deep breath and try tocalm down. “I won’t let you take on all the blame when we’re both at fault.”

 At this point, everyone who had been around us had left, and it’s just the two of us. I fix my gaze on Myungjun, daring him to say something else. His mouth is hanging open and his eyes dart all over the place, thinking about what to say.

 “I don’t have a response…” The way he’s standing makes him look like a deflated balloon. His arms are limp by his side and his head is hanging low; he looks like the shell of the happy, caring, optimistic person I had fallen for when we first met.

 Unsure of how I feel about his answer, I sit back down and look at the sky again. We stay like that for a while, and i kept trying to think of what’’s going to happen next.

 “Do you know why I love coming to this park so much?” Myungjun asks, sitting in the swing next to me.

 I angle myself so that I’m facing him again, “no.”

 Sighing, he lets his head fall, but I see the smallest smile on his lips and for a moment, I think everything is gonna be okay. For a brief moment, I believe that we’re gonna be okay.

 “This is where I first saw you.” The sentence shocked me, but I keep silently listening, wanting to hear more. “You were sitting on the very same swing that you’re on right now, and you had headphones on, listening to something, and you looked so at peace with everything.” Lifting his head, Myungjun looks into my eyes, and I can see the sadness in them, but also the happiness of the memory.

 “There were kids all around you, riding their bikes or playing tag, but you? You were just sitting there, smiling like the universe had just told you the funniest joke. You were beautiful, and - at the time - I didn’t know that I had given you my heart.”

 Tears were running down his cheeks, and I could feel the crack in my heart growing bigger. “You’re still beautiful,” he continues. “You’re more beautiful now, and I feel exactly the same way I did then right now.”

 “And you don’t think I feel the same way about you?” I move to wipe the tears from his cheeks, but stop myself, remembering how he flinched when I took a step towards him. Looking down at my lap, I say just barely over a whisper, “You’ve never told me that story before.”

 “I didn’t want to seem like I depended on you too much.” I hear him chuckle. “Guess that plan backfired, huh.”

 “Don’t you think I need you as much, if not more, than you need me?” I say bluntly. I look up and meet his eyes. “Myungjun, when I read those letters this morning, it was like my entire world crashed down on me. I don’t know how to even begin to tell you how I felt reading what you had written and knowing that you had felt like that for so long?” My voice cracks again. I can feel the lump in my throat starting to form again. I close my eyes, take a shaky deep breath and try keeping my voice as level as I can for the next part.

 “I felt like I had failed you. I did fail yo- I swear to God if you interrupt me, I will personally kick your ass, Kim Myungjun,” I say when I see him open his mouth. “I failed you because I didn’t show you how much you mean to me. I didn’t give you the love you deserve, and because of that, you felt unloved by me, the one person who would give up anything for you.”

 Going against my better judgement, I reach out and hold his hands in mine as I say the last part. “I have loved you since the first time I heard your laugh - didn’t even see who it belonged to, but I knew back then that I loved whoever that laugh belonged to. That’s still true today. In fact, it’s more true today than it was back then. You know why?”

 Myungjun shakes his head.

 “Because you complete me. You are the only person I can imagine having a future with and when I try and imagine one without you in it, I want to cry. You have held my heart in these very hands,” I raise our intertwined hands, “since that fateful moment I heard your laugh. I have never loved someone the way I love you, and I never will. So please, please don’t leave me.”

 I can feel the tears wanting to spill over and run down my cheeks, but I don’t let them. I want him to understand what I’m saying, but I can see it in his eyes; he doesn’t believe me.

 He detangles our hands and stands up. Facing away from me, he sighs. “Then what was it that I saw you doing with Bin outside that café then, huh?” Myungjun turns around to face me, a sad smile on his face. “What am I supposed to think after having seen that?”

 “That was just a hug, Myungjun.” I make my way over to him so that I’m standing in front of him. “I was sad and distraught - I still am - and Moon Bin was just there, so I gave him a hug.” I look down at my feet, realizing how this must sound to him. “My world was falling apart, and he was the most familiar part of it that was still intact. But that’s it. That’s all it was, okay?”

 A hand touches my chin and raises my head so that I’m looking into Myungjun’s eyes again. He drops his hand and takes a step back. “Even if that might be true…” he starts out, and I can already feel the tears building up again. “Even if that is true, I still can’t let you be with me. You deserve better.” He smiles at me, and when I see that, I forget about holding back everything I’m feeling.

 “How can you say that after everything I’ve told you? How-” My voice cracks again, and I take a moment to recollect my thoughts. “How can you not see how much you me after everything we’ve been through…?” I take a step towards him, but he takes one backwards, and I can feel the crack growing again.

 “I wasn’t there for you when you needed it. I’m not there for you now, and I know that’s rough for you.” He looks and sounds so genuine while saying this that it hurt on a different level.

 “Stop,” I whisper. “Stop talking nonsense and listen to me please.” I don’t know what I can say that can make him understand how I feel, but I know that if I listen to him ramble off another reason as to why he isn’t deserving of me, I’m gonna scream.

 “You know the two questions you asked me in one letter? ‘Do you still love me, did you ever love me?’” Wiping the tears from my cheeks, I finish my half baked thought, “the answers that you don’t want to hear? They’re I love you.” The shocked look on his face stops my tears, and I continue talking. “I have always loved you, and I wish I had made that more clear.”

 Taking a step towards him, Myungjun doesn’t take one backwards, and I feel hopeful for a split second. “I know your work makes you busy and takes you all over, okay? I know that I won’t be able to see you when I want to all the time because you’re busy, and that’s okay.” I raise my hand to wipe the newly formed tears off his cheeks. He leans his head against mine and a real smile forms on his lips for the first time  “I know that you hate that fact, but I’m okay with it, and you know why?”

 “Because I love you, and I know you love me and that you’ll always come back to me in the end.” I lower my hand to my side and clasp them behind my back. “Kim Myungjun, you make me a better person, a more complete person. You’re the reason I wake up in the morning knowing that whatever happens, things will be okay because you’re there with me.” Tears continue to run down his face, but I know that this time, they’re tears of happiness and utter shock. “I can’t imagine what I would do if you weren’t here with me so plea-”

 I’m cut off when Myungjun gives me a hug and starts sobbing into my shoulder. I hug him back, not bothering to finish my sentence. I have a good idea about what his response is gonna be.

 We stand there for a few minutes until Myungjun’s is only sniffling. He wipes his face with his hands and ends up covering his face, laughing. It’s been a long time since I heard him laugh so genuinely, and I can’t help but smile.

 Reaching up to his face, I remove his hands and intertwine them once more. “Once we get home, we really need to talk okay? About everything,” I say as I pull his arms in the direction of our apartment.

 He nods his head and lets me drag him back home. Every once in awhile, I look back at his smiling face and think, We’ll work things out. I know we will.

 We make it back to the apartment, and when I unlock the door, I walk in, but Myungjun stands outside it for a second. Watching what he’s gonna do next, we stand there for a few seconds before he takes a step in and smiles again.

 As he walks towards our room, I head to the kitchen to finally get some food (and water) for the both of us when I hear an exasperated, “How many times have I told you to not leave my clothes out?” come from down the hallway. I laugh at the normalcy of the phrase and leave the kitchen.

 Walking into the bedroom, I stand next to Myungjun and place a kiss on his cheek. “I won’t do it again, I promise.” I flash him a small, innocent smile and I think again, We’ll figure it out.

 He hangs his head in defeat, smiling and says words I hadn’t realized I missed hearing so much.

“I love you.”