#so congrats if you read it I guess

[zeldalizzy]

I noticed you said that you're into both LU and LOTR... have you considered how those characters might interact? 👀 /curious /nf

- hero-of-the-wolf

Ooooo, ok ok actually yes i have!! Someone also requested a drawing of the Chain as the Fellowship so that may or may not be coming soon also! ;)

Anyway, in terms of how they would interact, hm. I think that each Link would kinda latch onto a member of the Fellowship that they most resemble, and kinda stick to them, but i think both groups would be chummy, and i mean, the pure defensive and offensive power of the Chain and the Fellowship combined would be immense.

In terms of similarities, here's kinda how i think of it:

Gandalf and Time: both are leaders, both are ridiculously powerful but don't use all their powers, both are kind, cryptic, and self-sacrificial, and have a soft spot for the little ones

Aragorn and Twilight: horse girls, but also natural born leaders, kinda mysterious, VERY protective, strong warriors, and extremely noble. Also they were both raised by a different people group (aragorn was half-human half-elf, raised by elves, twilight is hylian, raised by ordonians)

Boromir and Warriors: yeah so... this one is kinda just vibes. idek why, but would Warriors take three arrows or more to save one of his brothers? Absolutely. Also, Boromir is a Captain (Captain of the White Tower) and Wars is too, so they would relate on many levels there about taking armies to war and what not. Also... yeah... sorry Wars, of all the ppl to try to steal the ring it would be you. So sorry. And then he'd feel horrible about it and probably cry.

Legolas and Wild: long-eared archers with long, blonde hair. nothing more needs to be said here.

Gimli and Four: ok, hear me out on this one. Four is a blacksmith. He would have SO much respect for dwarves in their weapons and in their smithing skills in mining and making armor. He would probably just see shorter guy with a beard and latch on immediately because of his grandfather too. And both are a little embarrassed about being short and would NEVER want to be tossed unless absolutely necessary. Gimli would also be very impressed by Four's skills and have a lot to teach him too!

Sam and Sky: also vibes for this one. Sure Wild might be the Cook, but no one is as kind-hearted, loyal, over-protective, and compassionate as Sky and Samwise. Both have special ladies too, and Sky would 100% no hesitation carry one of his brothers up a massive exploding volcano if need be. Both soft, huggable, but not to be underestimated on the battle field.

Frodo and Hyrule: the burdens, my friends. the burdens. Frodo has to carry the cursed ring, Hyrule has to carry his cursed blood (as seen in Adventure of Link). Both are a bit shy, but very brave and loyal (we talkin' book Frodo here) and both have to go through a ton, kinda on their own. they are also both polite and selfless and have pure hearts that help them to resist the evil thrust upon them.

Legend and Merry: the trouble and disasters these two would get into, my goodness gracious. Legend may be a bit prickly around the edges, but he's also a prankster (Entrance), similarly to Merry. However, both of them have good hearts despite how they present themselves as tricksters. They are both loyal brothers who are extremely brave and adventurous.

Pippin and Wind: mostly just personality for this one. fun, childlike energy, brave, and sometimes make rash decisions. but also kind, lighthearted, and loyal. both are the youngest so they both have to deal with over-protectiveness from the other members of their group. they are both also dangerously curious, and likely to get up to mischief if one does not keep an eye on them...

Well, that was a total whirlwind, sorry for ranting!!! but I hope that answered your question!! Thanks so much for your ask, @hero-of-the-wolf!! i hope you are doing well! nice to meet a fellow LU and LOTR fan!! 🩵

[echo-starflower]

I FINISHED THE GUY!!!!!!

(Pattern by @ghost-cinnamon)

He’s perfect and I love him

But Echo! some of you might ask, isn’t the body supposed to be red like his bones? To that I say! 1: I’m impressed you saw it under the layers of clothes! /silly and 2!

BAH BAM

Embroidery!!!!! (I’m so proud of this hehe it turned out way better than I expected. Also faceless doll jumpscare>:3)

And of course, credit must be given to my amazing little sibling whose immediate reaction to seeing my doll was “ooo he’s spooky! He needs a top hat!!!!”

(She proceeded to make not one but two top hats hehe)

[bidisaster-peanut-romano]

soo hi everyone!! i'm back on my bully essay/meta/something writing!! sort of. i did this.

anyways anyone who's been on this page for some time know how from time to time i have insistently mentioned the parallels between lola and peanut, right?

welp! that was a joke but the time has finally come!! a super-pretentious essay just for the fun of it!! (and also bc i haven't been writing actually argumentative texts in like months perhaps a year, so. yikes, i really need to practice again)

word count: 2.2k WOAH. IM SORRY

i, in my corner, with my monstrous needs. — susan sontag, as consciousness is harnessed to flesh

take this quote both as a title and an anticipation of what is to come. the essay will be distributed analyzing first the dependence of each of them on johnny, to then draw comparisons. i'll make sure to steer as away from headcanons as possible, sticking closely to the source text. obviously, some things' interpretation might be ambiguous, but, you know. your usual occupation hazard.

also, a disclaimer before we start: while they are psychologically complex and there is always a mimetic intention in developing them, these are fictional characters, and, as such, their primary function is to be vessels for different themes, questions and so forth. therefore, i will prioritize meaning and themes over moral implications and similar elements.

i. peanut

for how much i can adore talking about him, the way peanut depends on johnny is very much on the nose; worn on his sleeve, even. in 11:11 minutes of voice lines, he mentions johnny 30 times.

many interpret this as the caricature of a boy crush, but i have reasons to believe it is much less cute than that.

the problem is that, really, more than trying to identify specific situations... peanut seems to rely on johnny for a significant part of what he does. when he does good at dodgeball:

Look at me, Johnny, look at me!

almost like a child calling for his parent's attention to be praised. he calls johnny's name when he's going through hardships, when he's scared or when he's sad.

more than someone he just loves, johnny is a point of reference. whenever there's something going on, whenever he does or has to do something, his first thought goes to johnny; vice versa, what johnny asks of him is his priority.

I gotta tell Johnny! No time. I gotta see Johnny now. Gotta help Johnny. What can I do next to please Johnny? I mean Lola! I mean…

(this also goes in a "negative" direction, envy being the other side of the medal to adoration. especially because, in some way, this reliance on johnny might be felt by him as emasculating, and, being johnny his model of masculinity, adding it to the napoleon complex thing, it's not hard to guess why it can be so unpleasant. we can see this manifest through some of the things he expresses in regards to lola- not as much an interest he has towards her, but the interest he wishes to have from her- which are a bit more different than it might seem at a first glance. but this is a mouseketool we'll need later. still:

Last time I saw her, Lola made eyes at me, not Johnny!

do we really need this part? heh. i'm not sure, but it's always good to point out)

(also, just because, for the purpose of this analysis, it might be useful to specify: while these sentiments are very much implied in peanut's canon quotes, we have no evidence in canon in what measure they are reciprocated by johnny. the fandom has universally agreed that johnny also views peanut as his Best Friend In The World; while in some measure, they must be at least a bit close, i think it is even safe to say, given the caricaturist nature of bully's characterizations, that johnny holds peanut in less consideration that peanut deludes himself into believing. quoting another post of mine, the kids who show some level of obsession towards their leader mention him on average ten or less times (gord mentions derby eight times, parker six times, kirby mentions ted five times). the leaders don't usually make names at all, that much is true; however, peanut mentions johnny 30 times, and, even in front of this proportion, johnny mentions peanut 0 times. just to make that clear)

overall, what undeniably shines through his voice lines is a feeling of general inadequacy, whether about his height, or his strength in front of a bigger adversary. the audios in which he tries to show off range from being disingenuous, to straight up improbable.

crossing what we have until now said, it is not hard to come to the conclusion that he really tries to make up, to fill this empty feeling of inadequacy by taking pride in his role as johnny's second in command.

while i am a big fan of bully's characteristic of having left much content out of the main game, leaving the gamers to dig it up for themselves, i do believe that scrapping some of the stuff that was prepared for peanut is a loss. we have a number of voice lines coming from chapter 3, in which it was heavily implied how important peanut's role as johnny's right hand man was.

for example, much like... all other seconds in command, really, he was to be followed and then fought in the rumble, before you could get to johnny, with the specific duty to cover his back. even his very first scene, the opening cutscene of chapter 3, i believe, is not to be underestimated. most of the other people, as far as i recall, call you when they need it in person; johnny, however, sends peanut. making him, de facto, an extension of himself, almost.

again, you choose the motivation. what is important, from a narrative point of view, is that peanut clings to johnny through these acts of service, almost making it the foundation of his personhood.

basically, he makes it so that, if he can't be of help to johnny, his whole self is fundamentally annihilated, giving himself completely to johnny.

ii. lola

with lola, reading between the lines gets a bit more difficult; first of all, because lola is much less transparent than peanut, her insincerity being a supporting beam of the whole chapter 3. secondly, whether she was done dirty by the creators or not, it is undoubted that being the perspective that of a teenage boy (namely, jimmy, but we certainly, as viewers, are brought to sympathize more with johnny than with lola) with all the prejudices it can bring with itself.

however, it doesn't mean that there isn't anything to work with- quite the contrary, actually. the issue with lola is that there is a certain amount of layers to get through before gaining a satisfying perception of her as a character. still, we're here to try our best, aren't we!

even behind the muddiness of her intentions and the manipulation she shows herself a master at, it is clear from the second we first meet her that what she does is in function of johnny.

to get through this mess with order, we'll start from an easy, measurable numeric information: lola mentions johnny in her audio files 19 times. which, we're assessed, IS a considerable amount.

we have extensively talked about the way her cheating patterns are a strategy not to succumb to the passive role of the girl in the heteronormative, patriarchal prototypical couple (there's a post here breaking down a lot of this stuff, if any of you is interested!!), so, instead of this, i want to focus on what lies beneath that behavior.

ultimately, the whole point is that lola expects and wants johnny to fight for her. whether is it because she feels taken for granted, or just because he can't perceive it if not through grandiose gestures like the rumble- your interpretation will work; she wants to see johnny fighting nail and teeth not to lose her, she wants him to show her that he wants her.

she's all about that attention, and she knows exactly what and how to do to get it. and i think this is especially clear when you compare the moments in which she knows there's no advantage she could go for; when she has understood that jimmy won't fall for her manipulation, when algie and chad leave her unsatisfied, when norton openly accuses her and antagonizes her - she loses her temper, lets go of that sweetened and/or flirtatious voice tone, abandons that specific kind of gesturing. she doesn't care anymore about obtaining something. she was actually angry, and she was actually upset that johnny had disappeared.

in some of her audios, she references johnny with some amount of fondness, as well:

Johnny and I were on the best date ever.

(there is also a voice line in which she says "He told me he likes me because of my personality. Isn't that sweet?"; due to it being a general chatter and not exclusive to one chapter, i assume it is relatively safe to assume she is quoting johnny. however, as i said at the beginning, we're trying to stay as close to canon material as possible, so, do your thing- and i'm open to arguments!!)

a considerable amount of audio files, however (which will lead us to our final point) is about her... calling for help for johnny, or stating, confidently, that he will come save her, or avenge her later.

Someone get Johnny! Johnny's gonna get you for this. Johnny is gonna kill you!

but wait... i have some sense of déjà vu...

You're gonna be sorry when Johnny finds out!

iii. two faces of the same medal

if i had to pick an effective image for a metaphor, i'd say that the thing about lola and peanut is that they are both dogs looking for someone to take their leash; we’re talking here about an exclusive relationship with someone they can rely totally on, someone we’ll call the Other (with a capital o, distinguished from just other. yes it is unnecessarily complicated i’m sorry).

for what my professor would call accidents of history, it happened that both of them found that Other in johnny.

each of them attempts at creating an exclusive relationship with the Other, one foolproof and fundamentally… perfect. perfect in the way that everything works like oiled gears, in the way that every next move is predictable, in the way that any accident will not break the created equilibrium. (even if, in the general sense of the term, lola and johnny's relationship is everything but perfect, it is in the connotation that we have established here. lola is aware that, no matter what she does, johnny will come back around. hell, the very thing that she does is aimed at keeping that balance; specifically, keeping him a bit on the edge, pushing him into a corner where he has to actively make an effort to keep her close.)

they both hide something they are ashamed of, regulating not only their actions and reactions but their very way of existing in the world, in order to keep that gear working, in order to remain in johnny's hand. lola hides that craving for a genuine and stable affection, dissimulating it with the cheating and the fatuous physical demonstrations of closeness; peanut hides his sense of inadequacy and complex of inferiority, by being the tough and reliable second in command.

basically, what they mean to achieve is a sense of security, the safety of not really being the one to lead but, at the same time, finding a purpose, other than a shield from the outside world that they are not willing to concede themselves to. like a... symbiotic relationship?? i was going to say parasitic, but, yknow. the Other does get some advantages, which are, respectively, peanut's acts of service and lola's capacity to boost johnny's pride.

now, of course, johnny is not aware of either of their play. which makes it even better, since, as we already said, both of their approach to the relationship needs some degree of insincerity.

like, i don't deny that johnny might be a good friend, or a loyal one. but he is an oblivious, prideful fuck who can't see past his own nose; he's got a tendency to make it all about himself - which of course goes perfectly with what we said about both peanut and lola making the Other their center, taking up, in a certain way, a passive role in the relationship.

this way, both of them aim at creating with johnny a relationship that is, in a way, codependant and conditional, in which the do ut des (their respective "service" ↔ johnny's guarantee of stability) creates the foundation of the very relationship.

this, of course, brings up the problem of exclusivity; on which, however, i prefer not to delve into too much, as this would bring us to the topic of their antagonism which... isn't really what i wanted to go for, at least not here. (it would risk bringing us a bit too close to my subjective interpretation and too far away from the canon, which i PROMISED i wouldn't do. however, someday i might elaborate on that??? idk , please do lmk if someone's interested around here)

i will, however, show you a diagram (it looks like a triangle- i guess it is, but it is VERY important that it is a pyramid, with a top and a larger foundation) and a quote, to wrap this up bc i think it is already WAY too long and ramble-y lmao. let me know what you think anyway, my ask box is always open <3

it almost feels like a joke to play out a part when you are not the starring role in someone else's heart you know i'd rather walk alone (i'd rather walk alone) than play a supporting role if i can't get the starring role -- starring role, marina and the diamonds

[sprite-and-the-bunnydragons]

Something I have learned about myself when writing/posting a series or multichap fic: I cannot help myself from leaking little bitty spoilers when people leave me comments. I feel like a toddler showing someone her toys. “You like my teddy? I gots four, lemme show you.” And one of the teddys is just straight-up a living dog.

[sesamenom]

browsing stormlight art on tumblr and ran into a post about how different dalinars life would have been with a somewhat healthier childhood and i think someone tagged it 'kaladin adopts young dalinar au' or something

anyways i propose a Make Everybody Worse au. teenage dalinar and gavilar get dropped directly into formenos and unofficially adopted by feanor a few years before the flight of the noldor. they both participate in the First Kinslaying/Oath/Losgar and then feanor dies. maedhros adopts them and then thangorodrim happens. maglor adopts them for a few years until mae gets rescued. they participate in the first few decades of the wars of beleriand, after which they get dropped back into the middle of alethkar.

on the noldorin side of things, m&m assume the random children they sort-of adopted (300some years before Secondborn were awakened) got killed somewhere in the battle. the kidnap fam situation now has the additional context of m&m having known even more pairs of children who died because of the Oath - one pair killed in the Second Kinslaying, one pair who presumably died in battle because they swore the Oath

on the alethi side of things, dalinar & gavilar are now Oathbound kinslayers who just lost five-to-ten parental figures and all their friends, and spent most of their lives being actively encouraged in war and military strategy. they also skipped the entirety of the navani-related conflict and are probably somewhat closer because of that. violence ensues.

[majoris]

how naive of me to think that my december/january cusp will be more chill cause I have less things in my calendar than last year 🌚

[taehyungfirst]

.

[teenagefeeling]

god i forgot to get lunch for work today so i had to go somewhere on my (only 30 min) break and i tried jimmy johns but when i walked in the door the staff were busy and just completely ignored my existence and didn't even look up or acknowledge that i had entered the room literally for several minutes just pretended i didn't exist while i was attempting to make eye contact with the person 3 feet away from me. so that wasted half my break and i had to go to a grocery store and thank god they had some veggie rolls in the sushi area so i grabbed those then had to wait in line at the self checkout for several more minutes then by the time i got back to work and was able to eat it i had exactly 6 minutes of my break left and i gagged a few times trying to eat too fast and still didn't manage to finish it all so i was just starving and also slightly ill for the rest of the day then i get home and my mom is gonna go pick something up from the store and she asks me what i want and frankly i don't have the brainpower for that but i picked a random thing and then she calls me to tell me the store she went to doesn't even carry it. oh and i also only had a granola bar for dinner last night because that's what i have to do when im scheduled from 4-9 and only get a 15 minute break and then have to drive home and go to bed after that. why does the world literally want me to starve to death like why is this so fucking hard?

[kaeyacollection]

hi just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate your blog and everything you write. I absolutely love Kaeya and the way you view and analyse him feels so accurate and makes me look at him from other angles (and other characters you talk about too, it's so good)

This blog just brings me so much joy but I never know how to show my gratitude without it sounding weird, so apologies

Wish you the best!! :D

Akskakdkskdkd kicking my feet and giggling 💞💞💞💞

Printing this message out and putting it on my fridge 💖💖💖 you don't sound weird at all!!! No worries 😤 I'm absolutely glowing from this message 💖💖💖💖

[light-wrath-paradise]

*potently insane* I should re-read Monster by Naoki Urasawa

[newtscamandersbf]

saw someone saying its weird for a 17 yo to be hanging out w a 14 yo .. idk not really. like i dont think thatd be weird but maybe thats just me not being american. maybe thats just me havibg a 19 yo classmate who i hang out w ?? maybe thats just me havibg a 13 yo friend while being 16. maybe thats just me not giving a fuck if a 14 year old is friends w a 17 yo cause thats two lil kids / teens & people being adults at 18 is bullshit ?? 😭 like to me youre not an adult until youre 20 / 21 idc

[nyaruelle-designs]

🦄 Mane 6 + Family Redesign! 🦄

aaaaa this took so long, but it's finally done 😭 here's some art of mane 6 with their families. If you haven't seen my first redesign for the Mane 6, click me!

Keep reading below for design notes! (most of them are very small tweaks to get the palettes to look close to the Mane 6 hahaha)

OK! starting off with twilight's family, I tried to keep her parents' colors close with her own colors, I took both twilight's and shining's colors to match along with their mom and dad. I think Night Light is the most noticeably different of all the parents so far??

shining's colors are quite good but I guess I make it a point to give some siblings matching coat patterns to relate them to each other haha

also I had to add spike. He is apart of the family after all <3

For Rarity's family, I really took a lot of creative liberties haha

I kept Sweetie Belle's colors quite similar but yeah, tweaked it to match more in her sister's color scheme and gave her shared coat patterns with Rarity.

Rarity's parents also underwent some tweaks HAHA (i swear, every time I give the mlp character a unique coat pattern, they turn out looking so different but good??)

Fluttershy's family still looks relatively the same just with a few tweaks to the colors. (Fluttershy definitely gets her soft wings from her mom hehe)

I gave Zephyr a tattoo which I imagine he got in his youth while figuring himself out, thought it would complement his 'surfer?? chill bro' character

Also, fun detail: the tips of Fluttershy and Zephyr's wings compliment/relate back to each other which I think is really neat

Rainbow's family is quite self-explanatory, not a whole lot of difference HAHA

I think I let myself have a little bit of fun when redesigning the Apples. Idk why I thought it'd be interesting to add a bit of green to Pear Butter but ye??

I also kept Pear Butter as having a more petite frame as my personal handcanon is that while she did do farm work, she mostly did the less intensive work like watering the crops or something ahaha

neat detail: Applebloom inherited her eye color from granny smith, thought it'd be interesting to link them together

And last but not least, the Pie familyyy

As Pinkie and Marble are twins, I modelled Marble directly off Pinkie's desaturated form but gave her a longer mane. Other then that, I tried making them look as similar as possible

It's not very noticeable but I also gave Pinkie's dad a bit more pink in his colour scheme to show where she could've gotten her pink genes from. (I want to believe that in the past Igneous Rock had a pink mane before it turned grey from age)

also out of topic but I have this personal headcanon that the pie sisters are actually quadruplets with pinkie being the only one out of the 4 having her recessive pink gene, thought it would be fun to share.

Anyway, congrats on making it to the end! Thanks for reading all my design notes :’D I’ll definitely be drawing more. (next I'm gonna try to draw the secondary characters and hopefully not take too long to get it done-)

[sevarchive]

♡ read it again, sae! ──

synopsis: in which sae itoshi gets invited to buzzfeed celeb to read thirst tweets, and instantly regrets saying yes. starring: sae itoshi

a/n: this was a last minute idea i did at 8 pm, lmfaoooo enjoy!

[intro – camera rolls]

sae sits stiffly in the chair. arms crossed. jaw clenched. like he’s bracing for impact.

“hi,” he says blandly. “i’m itoshi sae. and today i’ll be reading thirst tweets written by people who desperately need hobbies. or god.”

he pauses.

“i’m a professional athlete. this is what they’re making me do.”

[tweet 1]

he stares at the tweet. “that’s… disturbingly creative. but i do train lower body, yeah. thanks, i guess.”

[tweet 2]

“do you understand how long a champions league final is?! that’s 120 minutes. plus penalties.”

someone in the crew says, “stamina king 🤭”

he turns, eyes wide.

“don’t encourage them.”

then he starts quietly repeating the tweet under his breath. “‘all day all night… full intensity…’ oh my god. oh my god.”

he stands up. “i need water. i need air. i need to go back to madrid.”

he pauses on the way out.

“also there’s no way your stamina matches that energy. be for real.”

and then he skips to the next tweet.

[tweet 3]

he reads it. then just—

“…you’re begging. in a tweet.”

he leans forward, staring into the camera.

“do you understand how low your self-respect has to be for this sentence to exist.”

he sighs.

“also. i would give you a red card. on sight.”

[tweet 4]

he goes completely still.

“...you want me to run an analytical report on your ass.”

he squints. reading it again.

“are my cheeks pressing high enough???”

he slowly turns to look at the crew.

“i don’t even know how to respond to that. what do you want me to say. that i pause replays for a better view of glute activation??”

someone in the back loses it.

he drops the card on the table and leans back, absolutely defeated.

“you know what. sure. yes. if your movement lacks control, i will be the first to say it.”

he sighs. long and deep.

“…can’t believe i’m talking about ass form on camera.”

[tweet 5]

he doesn’t even read it out loud.

he just… holds it. looks at it. blinks. sets it down like it’s cursed parchment from an ancient ruin.

he pushes his chair back.

“…i’m scared.”

he looks down at the card again. reads it silently. slowly blinks.

“…this one takes the cake. this is it. this is the worst thing i’ve ever read in my life.”

he gestures vaguely at the air.

“and i’ve read… contracts.”

off-camera someone’s wheezing. he finally sets the card down like it’s a biohazard.

“i don’t even have a response. you win. congrats.”

he picks up his coat.

“i’m done. i’m not reacting to anything else. i’m retiring. delete the internet. burn this set down.”

he pauses at the door.

“i can’t keep doing this. i came here to promote my season, not read tweets written by possessed people with breeding kinks.”

and then he leaves.

[OUTRO – camera still rolling]

just as sae reaches the edge of the set, the producer calls out, “wait, sae—before you go…”

he stops. doesn’t look back.

“…what.”

the producer clears their throat, trying to sound casual. “so for the next video, we were thinking… maybe you react to those smut fanfics about you on tumblr?”

the room goes completely silent.

sae slowly turns around—painfully slow—like a horror movie villain who just got told the sequel is about him.

“…react to what.”

the producer shrugs. “y’know. ‘itoshi sae x reader,’ ‘nsfw minors dni 💕,’ ‘#smut’—”

he lifts a hand. they shut up immediately. he stares straight into the camera.

“…this channel needs jesus.”

then he walks off again, muttering, “i’m calling my lawyer. and my priest.”

cut to black.

[text on screen:]

coming soon: “itoshi sae reacts to tumblr fanfics about himself (pray for him)” subscribe for more emotional damage!

જ⁀➴ © sevarchive ✦ masterlist ; like/reblogs are appreciated ꣑ৎ

[teaandspite]

The Great Goodreads Diss List (Part 1)

Context: For many years now, I have been collecting funny lines from Goodreads reviews to share with my coworkers. (I do collection development, reader's advisory, and weeding at a public library, so I read a LOT of reviews)

Are some of these, perhaps, rather mean? Yes, but they are also very funny, and come from a place of honest frustration. In the tradition of Bargepole threads and lists everywhere, names and titles have been censored.

"First, I want to say that I understand how hard it is to write a book and how amazing it is when it is actually published. Congrats to the author for that accomplishment. That said--"

"Warning: This review will be lengthy due to pure hatred."

"I found myself feeling really, really annoyed with the world that this book is allowed to exist. We live in a universe where the passenger pigeon is extinct but this book goes along merrily being read by unsuspecting lovers of words and ideas and stories? It just seems like too much, you know?"

"Don't do it. Don't spring the cash for the hardcover. Instead, eat an entire bag of Twizzlers, spend some money you don't have at a high-end department store, look up on Facebook the shady college boyfriend that made you cry, research the current value of your home or 401K and then read all about how the big hedge fund managers are faring during the economic crisis. You'll feel about the same stomach pain if you waste your time reading this book."

"This wretched novel begins with the mugging of an old lady and it appears I may be in the process of repeating that loathsome crime as [author] was 78 when she wrote it. It is not nice to put the boot into such a poor defenseless old creature lying there with only a damehood, a Booker Prize and a few million quid. It’s a nasty job but somebody has to do it."

"I think this is the way dead people would write, if they could."

"I am considering setting up SPABB: Society for the Protection of Accurate Book Blurb. This blurb appears to have been written by someone from the publishers who met [the author] the night before, got very drunk, lost his notes and then constructed something in a fug of hangover the next morning."

"I congratulate [the author] on the early half of his book, which was thoroughly fun and made me laugh and think. I congratulate [the author] on the second half of his book, for finishing it. It reads like that was difficult."

"…a woman whose taste in contemporary literature has roughly the same batting average as a pitcher in the National League."

"The author is a pompous windbag."

"Recommends it for: No one. Recommended to me by: A friend who apparently wished to cause me great suffering."

"Makes me wonder: is it possible to obtain similes at a volume discount?"

"The repeated phrases made me want to mail a thesaurus to the author."

"I'm disappointed in myself for finishing this book."

"if the author described [character's] eyes as "obsidian" one more time I was tempted to write her and ask if her thesaurus broke."

"They say that an infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters would, if given infinite time, eventually produce the complete works of William Shakespeare. [This book], on the other hand, would probably take the average monkey just under two hours."

"I can't imagine what the author had to do to get this nadir of Western literature printed on innocent trees, but he does seem to know a LOT about being well-connected in New York."

"This book is so bad it is almost worth reading just to make you appreciate the other books you are reading."

"Reads like it was written by a brilliant author, the night before it was due."

"raises interesting questions, like: can a book be so bad as to constitute an act of terrorism"

"has this author ever spoken to a human woman"

"This acorn has fallen so far from the tree that it can’t even see the forest."

"I’m guessing they are touted as ‘beach reads’ because no one will care if they get dropped into the ocean."

"This book begins with all the energy of a hand vacuum near the end of its battery life, and the pace doesn't quicken much from there."

"At least everybody’s eyes stayed the same color this time around.”

Part 2

Part 3

[yuyuyukiii]

Down bad grid for miss popstar ⛐

the time she went live during a delayed race, and suddenly chaos occurred.

Summary: She’s the world’s favorite It-Girl — Grammy-winning popstar, award-winning actress, genius in the courtroom, a literal doctor and future engineer. Oh, and she just so happens to be a lifelong Formula 1 fan. Basically, real-life Barbie.

One Instagram Live during a delayed race turns the grid upside down when she casually jokes about going on a date with Oscar Piastri… if Max Verstappen wins.

He does.

And the grid? Absolutely down bad.

Starring: Yn as a popstar — the world’s it-girl, multi-hyphenate icon, paddock favorite.

ꔮ format: mini-series (I think)

ꔮ includes: humor, fluff, light chaos. f1 drivers being hopelessly down bad. fake flirting that gets too real.

ꔮ features: 2025 grid, oscar piastri, lando norris, max verstappen, lewis hamilton, charles leclerc, etc.

ꔮ status: ongoing.

₊˚ ✧ ‿︵‿୨୧‿︵‿ ✧ ₊˚

C1: congrats in advance! (pure chaos incoming)

Your Instagram Live was already buzzing with over 500k viewers in the first two minutes. You had planned this to be a race watch party, but of course, Spa decided to be dramatic.

“Of course it’s delayed,” you said, sighing with a fond eye roll. “It wouldn’t be an F1 weekend without weather problems. We’ll probably be here for a while, so ask me anything. You know the drill.”

You looked too good for someone lounging at home. Hair up in a clip, hoodie slightly oversized, skin glowing, and the F1 broadcast playing quietly behind you. The fans were already going wild.

👤 | user2: girl’s glowing like she’s on pole

👤 | maxtits: opinion on the wdc standings?

👤 | user7: your makeup ate like it’s lights out

You scrolled through casually, laughing softly.

“Oh, I haven’t even checked the standings lately. Who’s leading the WDC now? I’ve been so busy, I haven’t looked since… Baku, maybe?”

👤 | teampapaya: OSCARRRR

👤 | BananaLeclerc: Piastri is leading bestie

👤 | brocedes1: PIASTRI ERA

👤 | userKa: oscar supremacy rn

You tilted your head, slightly raising an eyebrow. “Oh… Piastri?”

The tone wasn’t harsh. But you didn’t look thrilled either. You sipped from your cup with the kind of calculated neutrality that made everyone hold their breath.

👤 | YNSteponMe: SHE HATES HIM 😭

👤 | FckMe: oh no not this again

👤 | carlando: GIRL YOU SAID IT WITH YOUR WHOLE FACE

👤 | yn🔛🔝: not the piastri slander

“What??” you laughed, reading the comments. “I don’t hate Piastri! Where did that come from?”

You leaned closer, expression a mix of amusement and exasperation.

“Guys, stop putting words in my mouth. We all have our favorite drivers, right? Mine are Max and Lewis. But that doesn’t mean I hate Oscar. For the record, let me go ahead and say—” You held up a hand with fake ceremony, lips curving into a mischievous smile.

“To Oscar Piastri, advance congratulations if you win the 2025 WDC. Woohoo!” She paused. “Or to Norris, right? Advance congratulations if you win the WDC.”

Then, with a dramatic sigh, she added,

“And to Lewis or Max… congratulations for winning the 2025 WDC”

Your fans were SCREAMING.

What you didn’t know was that, thanks to the delay, most of the drivers were sitting together in the media lounge. And one of them had connected your live stream to the big screen.

It was being watched. In 4K.

₊˚ ✧ ‿︵‿୨୧‿︵‿ ✧ ₊˚ ₊˚ ✧ ‿︵‿୨୧

Oscar leaned forward, stunned. “Looks like I’ve got to win now since she already congratulated me. Wouldn’t want to disappoint her.”

Lando snorted. “Bring it on. I was also congratulated. Pretty sure we’re tied now.”

Max looked smug, arms crossed. “She literally said ‘congratulations’ to me. No ‘if’. That’s as official as it gets.”

Lewis raised his brows. “She said the same for me, mate. I guess we’ll be fighting each other.”

Oscar rolled his eyes. “I think you guys are forgetting… I’m literally leading the WDC right now.”

Yuki: “But are you leading her heart?”

Charles: “Be serious.”

Carlos: “Where was my congratulations?”

George: “I didn’t even get a mention. That’s crazy.”

Fernando: “This is favoritism at the highest level.”

Kimi: “I just got here and I already feel disrespected.”

The drivers collectively lost it.

₊˚ ✧ ‿︵‿୨୧‿︵‿ ✧ ₊˚ ₊˚ ✧ ‿︵‿୨୧

Fast forward. The race finally started. You were still on Live, watching in real time, occasionally reading the comments, eating grapes, and giving side commentary like it was a reality show.

At lap 40 out of 44, you looked up again.

“Okay wait, Piastri’s still leading?? Lando’s second. Charles, Max… P4? Huhuhu,” you whined, flopping back onto the couch.

You were dramatic by nature, which only made everything worse.

“I really hope Max wins. And Lewis—God, I hope he scores points. He started in P18.”

You paused. Then out of nowhere, casually as if you were talking about the weather, you dropped it.

“Piastri, if Max wins this race, I will go out on a date with you. I swear.”

Your fans froze.

👤 | Naynay1: ???????

👤 | Yn.jpg: WHAT DID SHE SAY

👤 | MommyYN: MOTHER PLEASE

👤 | Os🚗: oscar better start slowing down now

👤 | KiKiRa: MAX STEP ON IT

⸻

Final Lap.

You were showing off a limited-edition signed F1 merch item when the comment section went ballistic.

👤 | pookiemaxie: MAX WON MAX WON

👤 | chalamet: LEWIS IS P3

👤 | Ynbb;): GIRL THE DATE IS ON

👤 | YnGnarly: what are you wearing on the date???

You were confused. “Huh? What are you guys talking about?” When you looked back at the race, your jaw dropped.

“Omg, MAX WON?? CHARLES P2?? LEWIS P3?? Wait—Piastri’s in P8?! Lando P7?! What the hell happened?! I wasn’t looking for a couple of minutes and this happens? Not that I’m complaining tho”

You started shouting in celebration, holding up your Max & Lewis pillow. “YESSS MAX AND LEWIS!! MY BOYS!!”

You laughed happily, totally unaware of the chaos brewing elsewhere. Then you turned back to the comments and saw the ongoing flood of date jokes. You blinked rapidly. “Guys… the date was obviously a joke. And as if Piastri would like to go on a date with someone who wished for another driver to win…” you added nervously, chuckling awkwardly. “Don’t make it weird!”

You tried moving on with the live, casually applying lip balm.

⸻

Meanwhile, back in the paddock, the drivers were gathered again. The PR team from Formula 1 had just entered the room with cameras, filming post-race content.

They approached Oscar.

“So Oscar,” the staff began, “how are you feeling?”

Oscar sighed. “Disappointed, of course. I understand it’s part of the race to not win sometimes but still kinda bummed.”

Suddenly the interviewer smirked. “I know a way to cheer you up. Do you happen to know Yn?”

All heads turned.

Oscar blinked. “Who doesn’t know her? Especially in Formula 1, when she’s admired by everyone…including myself.”

“So you would be happy if she went out on a date with you?”

Oscar looked confused. “Happy? I’d probably jump off a hill if that happens.”

The interviewer held up a phone. “Well, she said something interesting during her Instagram Live. As you guys know, she was watching the race. Here..watch this clip.”

The room went dead quiet. The video played:

“Piastri, if Max wins this race, I will go out on a date with you. I swear.”

Then you followed it up with:

“Guys… the date was obviously a joke. And as if Piastri would like to go on a date with someone who wished for another driver to win…” you added nervously, chuckling awkwardly. “Don’t make it weird!”

The camera caught not just Oscar’s stunned reaction, but everyone else’s too.

Lando: “WTF. That cannot be true.”

George: “Wait, play that again.”

Charles: “She said it on Live???”

Max blinked. “Did she really say that—”

But before anyone else could say more, Oscar interrupted, staring directly into the camera. “No. The date is on. No take backs.”

The room burst.

“BRO??”

“OH MY GOD.”

“WHAT?!”

Oscar grinned. “I don’t even feel like I lost, to be honest.”

“Why?” the PR guy asked, amused.

Oscar shrugged. “P8. Earned points for the team. I’m still leading the 2025 WDC. And I just got a date with my celebrity crush. How is that a loss?”

The drivers exploded again.

“No!” Lando shot back, eyes wide. “She was just joking, mate! If she’s going to date someone, it’s gonna be me!”

Max turned to the camera. “Yn, you don’t have to go on this date. I won and that matters.”

Lewis added, “She said congratulations to me too. I came from P18 to podium. That deserves something.”

Oscar: “No. The date is gonna happen. I’ll have my team send you the details.”

The paddock immediately erupted:

“OSCAR, SHUT UP.”

“MAN’S DELUSIONAL.”

“BRO’S GONE.”

The video was uploaded to the official F1 account. It went viral immediately.

₊˚ ✧ ‿︵‿୨୧‿︵‿ ✧ ₊˚ ₊˚ ✧ ‿︵‿୨୧

Back on your livestream, you were doing random stuff again. Showing skincare products, talking about your latest single. Suddenly the comments went wild.

👤 | YnYnBaby: Oscar said the date is on!

👤 | NowNo.5: check the f1 page

👤 | AusieOsc: girl he accepted the challenge

👤 | ChaCharlie: he said NO TAKE BACKS

“Huh?” you asked, grabbing your phone.

You opened the F1 account. Saw the video.Your hand flew to your mouth. “NO. UH—that was a joke! A joke!”

Your screen popped up with a request to join the Live.

Two accounts. One was Oscar’s. The other was Max’s.

You stared. “Wait… are these guys serious right now?” You accepted both.

Max and Lewis appeared in one split screen. Oscar and Lando on the other. The rest of the drivers? Commenting in the chat while watching from their phones.

Oscar grinned. “So. When’s the date?”

Lando interrupted, clearly irritated. “She was joking, mate. If she’s going to date anyone, it’s gonna be me.”

Oscar turned to him. “Well, she said: ‘Oscar, if Max wins…’ She said my name, mate. Not Lando.”

Max leaned in. “Yn, you don’t have to go on that date. I won the race. You can save me the date.”

Lewis added, “I started in P18 and ended P3. Not bad, yeah?”

In the comments:

Yuki: I’m offended I wasn’t mentioned in the WDC congratulations earlier

George: Hey I want a date too!

Charles: Can I get a pity shoutout at least?

Kimi: so the technique is… be in front of Max or Lewis and in the last minute let them win to score a date with Yn

You read it out loud. Wait, Kimi? Like… Kimi Räikkönen?” glances at name “Oh. Kimi Antonelli.”

You narrowed your eyes. “Hey, Mercedes boy. They didn’t win because others let it happen. They won because they can.”

Max and Lewis looked smug.

Oscar and Lando were suddenly very quiet.

The comment section turns into chaos as drivers flood it with reactions, complaints, and dramatic one-liners like they’re watching a reality show unfold in real time.

Yuki: “How’s it feel being the favorites, huh Max? Huh Lewis?? Asking for everyone not on the podium 😐”

Oscar scoffed. “So I go from P1 to P8 and get ignored for them? This day just keeps getting worse. Good thing I still get a date. I’ll let it slide.”

Lando threw his hands up. “Shut the f*ck up, Oscar. It was clearly a joke! She didn’t mean it. I’m actually not okay.”

Carlos: “MAX & LEWIS vs the Papaya Boys is already wild… but what about us? Just the objectively attractive drivers?”

Alex: “You guys are missing out the look George’s face when she said ‘they won because they can’ sent me.”

Charles: “I didn’t even get a shoutout 😭 I finished the race. That should count for something.”

Pierre: “I swear she looked at the camera when Lewis spoke. That wasn’t scripted. So unfair. I’ve been a fan longer than him”

Franco: “Next race I’m just gonna let Max through and wink at the camera. Hopefully I’ll get interviewed about our date”

George: “Don’t drag me into this @alex. I just wanted a date. Is that a crime??”

Fernando: “This live is the most dramatic thing to happen during a rain delay since 2007.”

Suddenly, Oscar leaned into the mic again, eyes focused.

“So, when’s the date?”

Cue the rest of the grid losing it:

“OSCAR, STFU.”

“BRO GIVE IT A REST.”

“COME ON, MAN.”

IT WAS LITERALLY A JOKE. EVEN A BABY COULD TELL.”

You just blinked. “…Remind me never to speak again.”

End of chapter.

₊˚ ✧ ‿︵‿୨୧‿︵‿ ✧ ₊˚ ₊˚ ✧ ‿︵‿୨୧

author’s note 🏁

this was my first time writing a full piece like this and i genuinely had so much fun putting it together!! i’m still not sure if there’ll be a part 2 (never say never 👀), but i do have a bunch of chaotic and fluffy ideas lined up. thank you so much for reading — it means the world 🫶💌

[i-want-my-watch-back]

Yo tis be fatal to me sight. I feel unwanted waves of ANGUISH and I think that what I just said was more of insulting your work, not rage bait, for which I'm sorry if it has hurt the feelings. That is not the purpouse I strived for making this text.

As the tradition goes, reading comprehansion of a typical Tumblrian is negative, so just in case you wanted me to say the words "rage bait", which would finally make the entirety of this reblog useless, waisting not as much my tike as the time of the folk who'll be unlucky enough to stumble upon it, some of them stubborn enough to read trough it's whole complex, *cough cough*

Rage bait

Waves at the Shore of Otranto, 2025 by Ari Bach