#so i know basic stuff but not everything and that is fine
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Hello! I saw your request is open and I would like to send one if you don't mind 👁️👁️ It's Kuroo x Fem!Reader (headcanons/anything else is fine) where the reader is kinda.... Really hard to get and oblivious to flirting. And thank you for the opportunity too! Have a nice day!
Notice me, please! ♡



Pairing: Kuroo x Fem!Reader
CW: None!!!
A/N: heheheh kurooooo!!!! Poor guy!!! I love this request, thank you nonnie for plaguing my mind with this dynamic, I think this kinda scenario is perfect for Kuroo like,,, Outwardly flirty guy x oblivious girl,,,, mhm yeah that's the stuff
My Masterlist
⊂(´・◡・⊂ )∘˚˳°
When Kuroo first saw you, you were sitting beside the window, writing notes.
That was the first day of his third year (-̩̩̩-̩̩̩-̩̩̩-̩̩̩-̩̩̩___-̩̩̩-̩̩̩-̩̩̩-̩̩̩-̩̩̩)
He had seen you around after that, you were in the same class as him and you often asked him questions about topics you didn't understand about
And that did not help with the growing crush he had on you!!!
Kuroo would stare at you all day, just watching as you rather listen to the teacher than somehow return back the loving gaze (that was growing a hole into your head...)
Or when you ask him questions, he would take a few pauses just to stay with you a little longer (and maybe just joke around with giving you the wrong answers but then telling you the correct one because he doesn't want to see you fail)
He didn't quite understand why you didn't reciprocate any sort of interest with his subtle flirting
So, when he decided that he had to make the first move, he tried everything in the book:
Inviting you over for study sessions
Asking you to hangout with the excuse of exchanging information on the lecture you both had
Asking you those basic get-to-know-you questions
But every single time, you just seemed unfazed
You thought the study sessions were just a way of helping each other during exam season
And that the hangouts as a way of him just wanting to be friends instead of study buddies
You even thought that he was being friendly with the questions cause of course friends would want to get to know you more!
Kuroo thought he had to take it up a notch, but he was too scared he was being forward and you would back away
He complained to Kenma but he didnt bother listening to his hopelessly in love best friend
"I don't get it! I'm doing all this stuff for her and she doesn't get the hint that I like her!" Kuroo threw himself onto Kenma's bed while Kenma was sitting down in front of his gaming pc.
Kuroo buried himself into the covers but took a peek to see if Kenma was listening. Seeing no reaction from his best friend, he snatched a pillow from the headboard and threw it at him.
"Agh! Stop that! Don't go throwing stuff just because the love of your life is too busy not knowing you're flirting with her!" Kenma grumbled.
Seeing there was no use, Kuroo kind of gave up,,,
He accepted that he would just have to admire you from the position you put him in
And sometimes he would get the urge to push you away just to save himself the embarrassment of having a crush, but he didn't want you to feel sad or think that he hated you
But after all that
It didn't stop you from flustering him without meaning too
He would be rewriting notes with you and he would glance at you just to find you lying down on the table, full head turn to face him
Kuroo tried not to freak out over the sudden attention from you but you could sense it from the way his leg accidentally hit the table from bouncing too much (╥﹏╥)
He would think: 'How could a girl like this act so natural and calm and still make me blush over her!!!'
He realizes that he is still very love struck and there's nothing he could possibly do to get rid of it
So he knew he had to confess!!!
But how.
He knew that he had to get the timing right, if not, the confession would just go all wrong!!!
He kept thinking of it night and day, trying to master the stupidly specific plan he had made up in his head
But in the end his confession turned out to be a out-of-the-blue thing
Kuroo bumped into you in the convenience store near his house that he would stop but after practice for a light snack
You were shocked that he was there, never seeing him there before
You striked up a conversation, talking about how cool it was that he was the volleyball captain
But Kuroo was kinda not listening,,,
He was in head like "do it now, do it now, do it now"
But he was also like "don't do it now, we literally planned for this!"
But in the end he was like "but isn't this the perfect time to do it, she's here, we are not around anyone we know, getting it done and over with is the best thing to do!!!"
"I like you."
You stop in your tracks, pausing browsing the aisles to turn and stare at him.
Kuroo's heart was thumping against his chest and he could feel the guilt tripping in.
"I love you. I think about you all the time and you just don't see it. I flirt with you everyday and it pains me every time you brush me away. Even if you don't like me, just tell me and I'll back off, it would hurt a lot less that way."
You were a bit shocked to say because you did like him
You didn't know HE LIKED YOU BACK.
"I like you too." "YOU DO? SINCE WHEN?"
How much should I bet that the cashier of that convenience store was definitely eavesdropping on that
Anyways,,,
You get together at that convenience store ( ̄ヘ ̄;)
You find it funny that you didn't get any hint of him liking you the whole time and tease him a little
"I'm sure it was pain and agony for you." "Stop joking about it, it was" (he's just joking)
A/N: EEEE I LOVED WRITING THISSS!!! I love writing headcannons, it much easier that writing fics, it's honestly refreshing to see sm request some!!! But y'all don't be afraid to ask for fics, I'll still do it!!, it will just take longer tho....
#ideaz asks#fanfic#fanfiction#kuroo x reader#kuroo tetsuro x reader#haikyuu kuroo#kuroo testuro#kuroo tetsurou#heacanons#headcanon#haikyu#haikyuu#haikyuu x y/n#haikyuu x you#haikyu x reader#haikyu x you#haikyu x y/n#haikyuu x female reader
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UT spamtenna ("trash Heap" AU) headcanons
basically... my thoughts on this au! including some general worldbuilding notes. i'm nowhere near done writing this all out, but i wanted to go ahead and post since i can't get it off my mind. spamton especially hasn't had all the notes written out yet. more under the cut!!!! whateverrrr go my yaoi
GENERAL NOTES
they're both darkners still. most people assume they're monsters, though; in the underground, there aren't many darkners and most lightners aren't even aware of their existence.
unlike in DELTARUNE, darkners in the underground don't go into a state of dormancy during the daytime. this is because, well, it's always dark underground. there is no day/night cycle, only artificial light exists. darkners can still voluntarily 'hibernate' (aka revert to their object forms), but it's entirely their choice.
similarly, there is no distinction between the light world and the dark world (at least in the underground). there is only the light world, which contains both lightners and darkners (the distinction between the two races is that lightners are born naturally and darkners form from objects, like in DELTARUNE. the term 'lighters' encompasses both humans and monsters. darkners are not monsters, they are a separate race entirely.)
other darkners exist within the underground as well. most directly comparable to enemies or NPCs from DELTARUNE. a few notable ones correspond to main characters.
ribbicks and rabbicks live in the ruins.
ch4 enemies such as organikk, wicabel, and winglade also live in the ruins, though there's only a ffew of each.
shuttah is one of the cameras in mettaton's studio.
elnina and lanino work with mettaton behind the scenes, as do sweet, cap'n, and K_K.
rouxls, king, and lancer all live under the radar in HOME. jevil is somewhere. probably jail.
queen is still a computer… maybe even papyrus's computer???
TENNA
despite his worsening health, he's still quite physically strong and can move heavy objects well. can also run quite fast. spamton will often ride on his shoulders since it works better for the both of them, even though tenna detests it at times. spamton can act as tenna's eyes and tenna can act as spamton's legs
acts quite optimistic even as he's actively falling apart. he's deluding himself into thinking everything is fine because it's the only way he knows how to cope. "if i ignore the problem it will go away"
has to rely very heavily on spamton due to being disabled. there's a lot of things he physically can't do for himself + needs help with, especially repairs and basic self-care. if something happens to spamton he's ROYALLY fucked and he knows it. he's also dependent on him for emotional support since he doesn't really have anyone else
to that note, tenna is incredibly clingy, even more so than his DELTARUNE counterpart. he can hardly stand the feeling of being alone. when spamton has to run an errand of some sort without him, tenna often just sits there waiting for him to come back. think 'dog waiting near the door for 3 hours' type deal
has incredibly poor vision due to his cracked screen + the wiring/circuitry inside his head having sustained a fair amount of damage (primarily due to water). even if his screen is fixed eventually, he'd still have vision issues due to aforementioned water damage. he can make out colors and fuzzy shapes but other than that he's blind as a bat
should probably be using a cane but they can't exactly afford one so he kinda just bumps into stuff a lot. he doesn't really mind but spamton is trying to save up for a cane for him with their meager income. which is hard because they also need to like. eat
tenna keeps insisting to spamton that it's okay and that he can handle himself, but spamton worries about tenna having a fall or bumping into someting sharp. they don't exactly live in a very safe area (literally a garbage dump near the edge of a small drop…)
because of this he's very touch-oriented, in more ways than one. he likes physical contact + is very very touchy. fortunately for him, spamton tolerates this and actually enjoys the attention (though he'd hate to admit that)
also has bad hearing, though not nearly to the same level of bad(?) as his vision. again, water damage
very hard to wake up, mostly due to this. spamton often has to yell very loudly and/or (gently) smack the side of his head a couple times to get him to wake up
knows some basic sign language, like fingerspelling and a few basic words. it's not super useful to him though since he can't see well enough to make out precise finger movements. but spamton will often fingerspell into his hand as a means of 'whispering' + while they're laying in bed together. he can make out broader movements though, mostly ones that involve moving your entire arm, such as the sign for 'thank you'.
missing most of his left arm. it was hanging on by a thread for a while and finally snapped off one day due to rusting and just in general being damaged from an accident.
tenna's been taking that a lot rougher than his vision and hearing issues, not only due to the physical limitations but also because of worry about his appearance as well as fears that spamton may no longer "find him useful".
he tries to hide the stump as much as possible because it embarasses him (he sees it as a sign of weakess and "being less useful"). at the very least he always ties off the end of his jacket sleeve, and when the two of them venture out of waterfall, he often pulls on a old cloak on top of his regular clothes to make it harder for people to tell. it's still really obvious but don't tell him that or he'll cry lowkey
they still have the severed arm actually but it's broken and rusted so badly that there's little hope it can be repaired. it's mostly just tenna being afraid to let go. every time spamton tries to convince him to let them salvage a few parts from it for future repairs, tenna instantly shuts him down
his antennae are very expressive to the point where you can tell pretty much exactly what emotion he's feeling by looking at them. he's bad at hiding his feelings
absolutely LIVES to make people happy and see people smile. it gives him purpose and whenever he fails to cheer someone up (usually spamton) he feels quite poorly about it… however he's really good at making others feel better, actually, so that rarely happens.
very close with suzy. her parents are insanely neglectful so he's basically her dad.
they met when tenna found her wandering aimlessly near the echoflowers one day. he asked her where her parents were and she just didn't answer. tenna decided to stay with her that day to protect her- she's just a little kid, after all- and suzy very quickly bonded with him. both of them are attention-starved so having each other to play with, talk to, and cuddle is very cathartic for both, but especially for tenna. for once, he's the one who is needed, not the other way around (spamton could survive without tenna, but the opposite is not true).
suzy sneaks away from home to spend time with tenna. she has yet to be caught and her parents don't really even seem to notice. or, well… if they notice, they just don't care.
suzy very quickly picked up on tenna's disabilities + adjusted her behavior while around him to accomodate for that. things like a gentle tap to alert him of her presence, describing things to him verbally, speaking more loudly and clearly, etc. when she brings toys to play with, she tries to bring things that are more tactile and don't require two hands to play with, so that he doesn't "feel left out".
tenna makes her little trinkets out of scrap metal and such from the dump. they don't usually look like much since he's mostly going off of blurry shapes and colors but she treasures them dearly
"i've had suzy for a day and a half, but if anything happened to her i would kill everyone in this room and then myself" is the best way i know how to describe the intense parental instinct tenna is feeling towards her. plus, he's never had anyone rely on him in this way before and it feels good that someone looks up to him
does whatever suzy wants to do when they spend time together. she'll often ask him what he would want to do, but he deflects the question. he wants to make HER happy. his own needs take a backseat when he's with suzy (and spamton for that matter).
SPAMTON
spamton's mailbox 'ears' tilt up when happy or excited and droop when sad etc
very mildly farsighted (hence glasses) but it's basically nothing when compared to tennavision
suffered a bad leg injury from falling off one of the cliffs in snowdin forest one day on a delivery, leaving him with a permanent limp. which is part of why he lost his job actually. because he couldn't deliver as fast as he did previously, he fell victim to downsizing. he did get a small severance package but it wasn't long before he couldn't scrape together enough money for monthly rent. so he bit the bullet, took his few possessions with him, and struck out to look for somewhere he could find shelter outdoors. then he found tenna in waterfall.
upon intially meeting tenna, his first thought was to mug the guy, but he stopped himself once he realized tenna was disabled and didn't have much money to his name anyway. he does have SOME morals. stealing from an innocent blind guy is one of the few boundaries he won't cross. instead, he realized that tenna could be a useful "business partner"- and one that would be easy to convince to join him at that. tenna had even less than he did, and so spamton originally intended to manipulate him into doing things for him. it was immediately obvious to him that tenna would do anything for attention and love. …however, trying to manipulate the guy made him feel really guilty and he gave up on that idea after a few days.
it didn't take spamton long to fall for tenna. first in a friend sense, then in a romantic sense. he has a way of being unintentionally charming. he has pathetic wet dog rizz
initially was very much not used to physical contact, seeing as he lived alone for most of his life, so tenna being touchy and physically clingy with him was a bit unsettling at first. it wasn't long before he realized he liked it though
it generally doesn't hurt him too much to walk, he's just slower than he used to be. frustrates him to no end, but it doesn't start to HURT for a good while at least
his speech quirk still includes random interjections and tics, but he also often talks as though he's writing a letter. for example, many times to tenna, he'll start his senteneces with "Dear Cathode," and end his phrases with "Sincerely, Spamton."
spamton was slow to adjust to living with someone else, especially considering that said someone else is visually impaired. he generally has a very visually-oriented way of thinking (colors and patterns are very important to him, think marketing… he tries to make things eye-catching to get interest) so it was difficult for spamton to communicate with tenna at first with things such as asking him to do something, fetch something for him, etc. ESPECIALLY considering his speech quirk. "Tenna, can you get that red [unidentified object] over there?" and tenna just stares blankly at him until spamton corrects himself with something like "I mean the scrap metal next to the [chairs now 50% off!]."
#utdr#deltarune#undertale#tenna#tenna deltarune#spamton#spamton g spamton#spamtenna#ut spamtenna#trash heap
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Reactions to 2x11, A Tale of Graceful Ends
Earlier reaction posts:
Reactions to 2x7, Time and Night
Reactions to 2x8, Fuel for the Fire
Reactions to 2x9, The Kindly Ones
Reactions to 2x10, Long Live the King
Under the cut. Spoilers for everything. All the eps. All of the comics. Oh, and please be warned. I am emotionally raw right now. I say not nice things here.
Seriously. It's basically unhinged ranting. You have been warned. If you love this story, and don't want to hear an emotionally unhinged person say mean things about it, maybe don't read this.
WHY IN THE NAME OF CHRIST WAS THIS SCENE NOT INCLUDED

Where was Matthew's screen time??? At all??? His bond with Morpheus is like nothing else and it is my favorite thing and "maybe not going is all I've got left" or whatever the fucking quote is is like my favorite thing, but they took that out of SoM, they took that out of TKO, why, just WHY.
Matthew and Morpheus’s bond is so intense in the comics and it's even more intense in s1 of the show and it was just so completely discarded??? Why????
And don't think for a second that I'm complaining about some of Matthew's lines going to Lucienne, or some of the Matthew/Morpheus moments becoming Lucienne/Morpheus moments, because I love Lucienne more than anything and Vivienne Acheampong is a MARVEL and Morpheus & Lucienne’s relationship was handled so so so well. But why was Morpheus & Matthew's relationship also not handled well??? Did we even get an answer about whether or not Matthew and Nuala are going to stay in the Dreaming??? (I would say, maybe that will be answered in the special next week, but I kind of doubt it.) Why were they both just disregarded? Why did they cut all the Matthew/Morpheus/Daniel discussions of friendship?


Why were these scenes not included??? Fucking, why??
Also were Lucifer and Mazikeen not at the funeral???? (Or did I miss them because I was crying so hard that is possible)
2. WHY IN THE NAME OF CHRIST WAS THIS SCENE NOT INCLUDED

Orpheus lighting the funeral pyre? No? Or Orpheus being at the funeral at all? Did I miss him? Would it have been "too confusing for netflix" to have dead characters at the funeral? Because the comics have a lot of dead characters at the funeral and it's really nice? But no? Couldn't do it I guess?
3. WHY IN THE NAME OF CHRIST WAS THIS SCENE NOT INCLUDED

Just kidding. I know why. It's because it would give audiences the tiniest sliver of hope that some tiny part of Morpheus is alive somewhere, walking the stars with his brother and visiting with his friend, and that is, apparently, illegal. No hope for anyone, he's 1000% dead, and here's Stephen Fry to make an incredibly condescending speech about how only death gives meaning and anyone who doesn't get that is a buffoon who should be ashamed of themselves. Never mind that Merv and Abel can "come back from the dead" (they are dreams) and it's perfectly fine. Gilbert is too good for your offers of recreation and here he is to make a self-righteous speech about it!!!!
Confession. I have always hated that speech in the comics. And I have also - ALWAYS - assumed that it was NG talking to DC, about Morpheus. "Death gives everything meaning, I am dead, don't you dare bring me back that will fuck up everything and fuck up this story I wrote." Right??? It's like he's just blatantly saying "I created this character, I gave him an ending, I DON'T want you guys resurrecting him with "no one stays dead in comics" type stuff. I don't want you ruining my character. Leave him dead and you can ruin Daniel instead." And DC said: ok.
But that was a comic several decades ago. This is an already-ended-at-2-seasons tv show now. There is LITERALLY NO FEAR of Netflix resurrecting Morpheus and making him go on adventures. There just isn't. His story is over. Fine.
But why couldn't we have the tiniest sliver of hope that he somehow, in some way shape or form, made it off of his island and is out there somewhere in the universe? Even just as a dream? Even just as a memory? Even just as a something? I don't understand why he has to be GONE GONE GONE, especially when in the comics there is a tiny hint that some small dream/memory/part of him may have gotten away?
The answer, I guess, is that they didn't want it to be the tiniest bit ambiguous. And they didn't want me to have any hope. And if I don't like it, Gilbert will come and make another speech at me, I guess. (I don't know why they had to leave in Gilbert's idiotic line about "look how much better Daniel is, Morpheus never apologized." Especially since Morpheus pretty much did nothing else except apologize for all of s2. Whatever.)
Credit where credit is due, I think Gilbert's stupid "Morpheus never apologized" line was one of the only "omg Daniel is so much better" parts that they left in. Because The Wake is full of little "omg morpheus was so mean, I'm so glad he killed himself, daniel is so much better hooray ❤️" moments that honestly make me want to resort to violence. ("Morpheus is so mean he would never pet the Gatekeepers." He fed them apple slices out of his own hands!!!!! "Morpheus is so mean he couldn't even forgive Alex Burgess or Ric Madoc :(" Well Ric Madoc is a disgusting rapist monster and why the fuck is he even at this funeral anyway?) So yes. Credit where credit is due. They had Morpheus himself forgive Alex Burgess, which I loved. They had nobody forgive Ric Madoc, which I also loved. They had several characters express that they were having a hard time with a new guy being Dream, and no one was shamed or mocked or scolded for this. It was (mostly) stressed that Daniel isn't necessarily "better" - he's just different. As far as I can tell, the entire "this was all Morpheus’s suicidal plan all along" plot was completely removed. These were all changes that I liked. I liked pretty much everything about Daniel, and I am usually very neutral/kind of disinterested/kind of don't care for him? They got rid of all the "why are you mourning Dream, Dream is right there!!! are you stupid???" vibes from The Wake that made me insane. They made Lucienne's story more complicated and more emotionally realistic and Vivienne Acheampong knocked it out of the fucking park and I am crying again now just thinking about her performance.
For my next question, is it just me, or was Destruction kind of a dick.
It may be just me.
Because I struggle with him a LOT. And when he shows up for the funeral - doesn't pay his respects to Morpheus - doesn't visit his family (including Despair who talks nonstop about how much she misses him and he just doesn't give a shit I guess???) - and is, honestly, imo, kind of condescending to Daniel- I just kind of don't know.
Also do we believe for a second that Destruction had never been to Dream's palace??? Over the billions of years since the beginning of time? That seems ridiculously unlikely?
I need to rewatch, maybe I'm just emotionally raw right now, but Destruction just pissed me off. Desire, Despair, and Delirium were incredible. Mason Alexander Park is a marvel and Desire's funeral speech was perfection. Destiny's funeral speech continues to be the worst thing ever written. I guess I was expecting they may have changed that since Destiny seemed so much warmer in the show than in the comics. Guess not.
For my final question. Why the fuck were the Endless so happy and cheerful and almost giddy when they met Daniel? That was so so so weird? What, everything is just going to be perfect now? And I had literally just checked the timer and saw there were 7 minutes left, so I was not at all expecting that to be the last scene, and when the show ended it was totally jarring. I guess we needed 7 minutes for the credits and for the fates to be smug assholes, I forgot.
I guess there was no time for Desire and Rose to meet. No time to learn what Nuala and Matthew will do next. (When Lucienne was saying she might move on, I honestly wondered if they were setting it up so that Nuala would be the new Dreaming librarian?) No time to deal with Matthew's emotions. No time for any hint of Exiles or any hint that Morpheus is still with us in the shifting sands of the soft places (unless that's maybe what they were going for when it looked like he and Daniel were possibly looking at each other for a second in the Shakespeare memory?). No time for Calliope TO HAVE A SINGLE FUCKING LINE. Great news everyone, no need to worry about whether the captions will mislabel her or not if she doesn't speak!!!
There was however plenty of time to devote to whether or not Johanna Constantine and the Corinthian can have a functional romantic relationship.
I...
What.
I didn't even hate it, but also just, what?
(And also it is just me or was there the tiniest bit of subtext of "good news they brought him back straight this time"???? LMAO I'm sure that's not what they intended, I'm sure he isn't straight and is still super pan or whatever, but still... idk.)
I don't know. I feel bad that I'm being so negative and sounding like I hated the entire thing. I certainly didn't hate the entire thing. But I just dont feel very good now. I'm tired, my sister. This story just makes me tired and miserable. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
#the sandman#the sandman netflix#sandman spoilers#sandman s2 volume 2 spoilers#2x11 a tale of graceful ends#sandman episode reaction#too many emotions about the sandman#unhinged ranting#idk i am just so sad#dream of the endless#morpheus#daniel hall#lucienne the librarian#matthew the raven#mervyn pumpkinhead#nuala of fairie#fiddler's green#the corinthian#johanna constantine#hob gadling#destiny of the endless#death of the endless#destruction of the endless#desire of the endless#despair of the endless#delirium of the endless
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i am sadly one of those people who are super insicure of themselves after any social interaction, I go over and over again in my head and feel irrationally bad bc my brain tells me I was awkward, and probably came off as weird and so on. But you know what brain? I had the social interaction. I did it. I spoke out loud to people and had a conversation instead of freezing and feeling unable to talk. So fuck it if I came off as weird and awkward, I am weird and awkward and it's okay, because I did something that just a few years ago would have been even more of a struggle, and even earlier than that it would have been close to impossible.
#i have to keep reminding myself this thing over and over#brain we are not focusing on the way people percieve us we are focusing on the progress we have made through the years#today my brain is bullying me quite a bit over this thing bc i am stressed and i was at work all morning so i had to deal with people#but you know what? i did it and i did my job and i was much more comfortable doing things a few years ago scared me like#casually talking to people and dealing with money#and you know what? when i didn't know what to do or i wasn't sure i asked for help and it was all okay#and people coming into the shop are never rude if they see i have to ask for support to my mom or my brother bc i very casually work there#so i know basic stuff but not everything and that is fine#and if sometimes i need to use a calculator to sum up the prices of things it's okay#and if sometimes a regular knows the prices of what they have to pay already and i have to check it once or even twice it's okay#wow this turned out to be a longer rand than expected but i might need to reread this in the future#note to self#cris speaks
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oh also in other news, I had my revision top surgery today and it went well!!
I keep fucking having to remember like omg right I had surgery today bc it was such a tiny revision so it's like the babiest surgery I've had to date compared to its "I can't straighten my spine" and "I can't fucking breathe" predecessors 😅
#revision top surgery#my friend came to pick me up (ie to sit with me in hospital until they discharged me & then walk me to tram stop & take tram home w me)#and then we just went to my flat to chill there#she made sure I got home ok and that everything was fine and we just chatted all afternoon so it was very nice ❤#also 10/10 private surgery W#record time between starting surgeon search (late december I think?) & actually getting it (beginning of april 👌)#earnings from new job so far have already covered the amount of money it cost & I'm still in the green for the year#((guys turns out having a stable income is amazing who knew x'D))#I wasn't even fucking nervous beforehand bc it was basically a less bad version of top surgery so familiar & known that it'd be less rough#and like I've already had two other surgeries in the last like 4 years so I'm just like used to it by now#everyone was professional & lovely and did a good job (obv I haven't seen result yet but it literally Cannot Be Worse than the original so#we shall see at my one week post-op dressing-removal appt next week#surgeon said he did a good job & knowing that (notably plastic) surgeons are more perfectionist abt this stuff than I am#I trust that he did)#also I ended up going with a non-trans specific service and they were great#my advice stands: if you're looking for private surgery and it *can* be done by a non-trans-specialist#go find a non-trans-specific one it'll give you way more options & they'll do a perfectly fine job
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btw similar to the whole "if you try adderall at a party and it calms you down, get an adhd test" thing, if at some point in your life you try microdosing shrooms with a friend and end up feeling like a functional person for the first time in your life, get tested for depression. like yeah hallucinogens come with elation so youre probably gonna have some "this is the best ive ever felt in my life" vibes regardless, but like. if that in and of itself feels like finally breathing in for the first time in years, thats for sure a sign that something is up with your ability to process serotonin most of the time. feeling better than ever before should be a nice bonus, not a crushing weight off your chest
#fun fact there are currently multiple ongoing studies vis a vis the effectiveness of psilocybin on depression#both on its own and as a companion to ssris#psylocybin targets the 5ht2a serotonin receptors which wikipedia tells me are more numerous in the brains of those with depression#so like. if you spend most of your life feeling like your brain is an aquarium with a leak in it and serotonin is the water and your default#state is 'slightly damp gravel grinding painfully against itself' thats ummm not normal 👍#and on the flipside of that if you have depression that no other med has worked for and know a guy. its 1000% worth it#origibberish#also i say 'wikipedia tells me' as if i just looked it up but that all comes from a long night of spite filled research after i asked my#psychiatrist if we could use the fact that psylocybin worked for me as a basis to like. narrow down which legal antidepressant#might work instead of basically just throwing darts at a board every time#and after several minutes explaining to her that i was not just asking her to prescribe me shrooms but in a legal way she went#'ohhhh yeah no unfortunately theres been no research into that‚ yeah.... sorry......:)'#which. as far as 'lies you come up with on the spot to avoid having to say i dont know' go‚ that is. maybe the worst one to pick#like. 'no‚ thats not an option'? alright fine maybe theres some internal rules or something who knows#'theres no research' though just. immediately tanks any and all credibility 100% even on its own but considering the subject matter?#youre telling me. that humans. the famously curious species that researches fucking Everything. and also Loves playing with drugs. when#trying to figure out how to make drugs that make brains feel good. would not start with the drugs they already knew made brains feel good.#youre telling me that not one (1) singular scientist tried shrooms and went 'oh my god wait. i dont feel like im dying for the first time#ever. holy fuck i need to study this'#complete misplay. absolutely legendary fumble. there were so many ways to fuck it up and somehow you found the worst. congratulations#om the other hand though. really was an excellent setup for the punchline that is the voicemail i have from them saying she'd been fired LOL#they didnt say what for specifically but yknow. based on my own experiences i certainly have theories jebfksbfk#it was annoying in the moment but at the end of the day i have shrooms and she doesnt have the job so. whos laughing now emily KSBFKSBFKDN#this is what i mean though like. rn i feel fine. not on top of the world‚ not like a god#just. fine. i just dont feel like shit. i feel like i can do stuff if i want to‚ or chill peacefully and have it actually be. relaxing.#i dont feel like gravel right now‚ i feel like a person.#and god what a fucking relief it is#really i guess the moral overall is that if at any point you react to trying a new drug the same way an addict craving a hit for days would#then there maybe is something up with your brain chemistry because that means your default state of existence is comparable to that#of withdrawal. a famously shit experience
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examining a seemingly normal image only to slowly realize the clear signs of AI generated art.... i know what you are... you cannot hide your true nature from me... go back where you came from... out of my sight with haste, wretched and vile husk
#BEGONE!!! *wizard beam blast leaving a black smoking crater in the middle of the tumblr dashboard*#I think another downside to everyone doing everything on phone apps on shitty tiny screens nowadays is the inability to really see details#of an image and thus its easier to share BLATANTLY fake things like.. even 'good' ai art has pretty obvious tells at this point#but especially MOST of it is not even 'good' and will have details that are clearly off or lines that dont make sense/uneven (like the imag#of a house interior and in the corner there's a cabinet and it has handles as if it has doors that open but there#are no actual doors visible. or both handles are slightly different shapes. So much stuff that looks 'normal' at first glance#but then you can clearly tell it's just added details with no intention or thought behind it. a pattern that starts and then just abruptly#doesn't go anywhere. etc. etc. )#the same thing with how YEARS ago when I followed more fashion type blogs on tumblr and 'colored hair' was a cool ''''New Thing''' instead#of being the norm now basically. and people would share photos of like ombre hair designs and stuff that were CLEARLY photoshop like#you could LITERally see the coloring outside of the lines. blurs of color that extend past the hair line to the rest of the image#or etc. But people would just share them regardless and comment like 'omg i wish I could do this to my hair!' or 'hair goallzzzz!! i#wonder what salon they went to !!' which would make me want to scream and correct them everytime ( i did not lol)#hhhhhhggh... literally view the image on anything close to a full sized screen and You Will SEe#I don't know why it's such a pet peeve of mine. I think just as always I'm obsessed with the reality and truth of things. most of the thing#that annoy me most about people are situations in which people are misinterpreting/misunderstanding how something works or having a misconc#eption about somehting thats easily provable as false or etc. etc. Even if it's harmless for some random woman on facebook to believe that#this AI generated image of a cat shaped coffee machine is actually a real product she could buy somewhere ... I still urgently#wish I could be like 'IT IS ALL AN ILLUSION. YOU SEE???? ITS NOT REALL!!!!! AAAAA' hjhjnj#Like those AI shoes that went around for a while with 1000000s of comments like 'omg LOVE these where can i get them!?' and it's like YOU#CANT!!! YOU CANT GET THEM!!! THEY DONT EXIST!!! THE EYELETS DONT EVEN LINE UP THE SHOES DONT EVEN#MATCH THE PATTERNS ARE GIBBERISH!! HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THEY ARE NOT REAL!??!!' *sobbing in the rain like in some drama movie*#Sorry I'm a pedantic hater who loves truth and accuracy of interpretation and collecting information lol#I think moreso the lacking of context? Like for example I find the enneagram interesting but I nearly ALWAYS preface any talking about it#with ''and I know this is not scientifically accurate it's just an interesting system humans invented to classify ourselve and our traits#and I find it sociologically fascinating the same way I find religion fascinating'. If someone presented personality typing information wit#out that sort of context or was purporting that enneagram types are like 100% solid scientific truth and people should be classified by the#unquestionaingly in daily life or something then.. yeah fuck that. If these images had like disclaimers BIG in the image description somewh#re like 'this is not a real thing it's just an AI generated image I made up' then fine. I still largely disagree with the ethics behind AI#art but at least it's informed. It's the fact that people just post images w/o context or beleive a falsehood about it.. then its aAAAAAA
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post ankle-twisting clarity
#i slipped in the mudddddd the other day LOL i twisted my one ankle and scraped up my other knee#so the past few days ive just been kind of needing to waddle around.....#LUCKILY its healing well and fast <3 but yknow i was like#so stressed out over shit that doesnt matter in school. and like this is an awful unintentional habit i have but i will get like#overly stressed over shit and then i'll start getting SUPER careless with everything. and then i'll injure myself foolishly and Calm Down#happened last year with my foolish midnight woodcarving incident LOL its always november....#BUT yeah luckily this years foolish injury is a quick one at least!!#but yeah like genuinely i was so stressed out about all my fine arts major shit. teachers have been really getting on my case recently#my main professor said that it was a good thing people get so riled up with my work because it means its impactful#tbh i didnt believe her at all i thought she was just trying to placate me but then i listened closely to the things faculty say when#they look at my fucking. cartoon wolf drawing or something and i think. she might be right actually. people keep getting frustrated with me#because i think they see a lot of potential in me but i basically only have to drive to draw cartoon wolves etc HFKJSDHJVKRFEds#which is great for my ego. maybe too good for my ego. that my mark making and colour use etc is so evocative to these industry and#instutition people. but on the other hand i was told like thrice now that my work has no place in a gallery. which is fine although im not#totally sure how true that is. but also afterwards one time i was suggested to go into animation instead which is. um.#so its not out of nowhere i mean i did want to be an animator when i was like 10 but if you know anything about the current state of the#animation industry its like genuinely wild to tell someone who you've only seen 2 dimensional watercolour and acrylic painted#sketchy lined drawings from and who has said they cant do digital art anymore that they should get an animation degree?#brother they would kill me. i would be killed. i had an inkling but it really made me notice so clearly how limited the experiences my#faculty kind of have with certain industries. which is fine. or maybe not. for a professor LOL but yknow. but i was like huh. i guess i can#just kind of chill lol if i just keep doing things maybe something will come of it. i may not get as much help in my artistic development#rn as i would like. but its chill i think i'll figure it out if i just keep doing stuff <3#doesnt really matter that my teachers dont know what to do with me. my kneeeee has a booboo so i am CHILLING out :)
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was feeling okay about bring sick for a week but then someone reminded me that tonight is the yearly rocky horror showing and now i am bummed as shit. fuck. the amount of things i have missed because of this illness
#AND I AM STILL FUCKING SICK#sb and l rambles#AND I STILL HAVE A FEVER!!! I'M STILL NOT BETTER!!!!!#i have spent basically all day lying in bed. that's resting. i'm supposed to be getting BETTER#god i'm so bored and it feels like i'm going to be here forever#i know i will probably heal eventually. but it's bad that i've been sick for this long!! right??#the doctor was like ''we tested you for everything we could and you seem fine. keep the fever down with OTC stuff and come back on monday''#and like. okay yeah i guess that's reasonable. but monday? MONDAY? MONDAY??#i know two weekends isn't everything in the grand scheme of things but i'm just so tired of feeling like shit#no one else is sick like this. which is good. but also. FUCK. what is WRONG. why is this HAPPENING
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I will be forever grateful i can be on this new med. it's one a lot of folks also need and can struggle to have access to! It's important i be on it, especially if i start doing any vid collabs
(some of which, really, all of which, i unfortunately actually need to cancel that were in the preplanning stages, bc the election results have me wanting to wait and see how the general atmosphere of the country is before i agree to meet up with anyone. I feel bad for cancelling, but also i just can't know for sure how safe things are/might be going forward and I'd rather avoid the potential of. ya know. various not great things that could happen at a meet up, tho i would certainly hope they wouldn't. i don't feel like actually addressing them rn, u guys know what i mean)
That said, if the truvada initial side effects could fuck off asap would be so lovely. three weeks at worst, then they should be gone/much better or so i am told. really hope that's true bc losing my mornings to being dizzy and nauseous is Not Working for me lmao. im on week two, and now understand why my new doc said to call if i needed any 'cheerleading' and support to get thru the side effects, bc apparently she's done that for several ppl to make sure they actually make it thru the three weeks and keep on it (lovely of her!!)
#text post#not going to get into the other painful smack of this morning#suffice to say that medicaid does not in fact fully cover vocal therapy/training for trans ppl#even if ur docs feel incredibly certain it is#if i was making a decent bit over minimum wage at consistent hours and already had my current debts paid off mostly#then I'd happily consider paying the chunk Medicaid won't cover but as of now#it would literally be basically two paychecks if not three to cover the estimate for this first visit#and that's only if the poll would have us polling every week like we did before the election#otherwise we're guesstimating it would be upwards of 4 paychecks to cover it#I'm actually gonna get into in here bc nobody reads all my tag essays (fair valid and correct)#im really sad abt this. my voice gets me clocked a lot and while i can mostly handle like. visually being clocked#my voice giving me away genuinely makes me feel a pain in my chest. i can't get my customer service voice to go lower yet#and even if it's my usual voice I've made minimal progress on my own self done vocal study stuff#so like. no one knows how high it was compared to how it is now tho so no one actually hears it as anything near deep#which it isn't but like. there's been a slightly barely there drop of it per at least a couple ppl in my life#i was probably going to be able to learn how to sing again and find my new range. I'd fix my customer service voice#even if it would only ever be a teeny bit lower than how it is now. it would be lovely#im not gonna get too down tho bc someday hopefully I'll be able to make it happen/afford it#and for now...im doing the bad thing of not cancelling the appt yet#i will bc they're booking out for months and it isn't right of me to take a spot i know i can't keep#but. let me pretend i can for another day or two. maybe until monday. then I'll call or msg them on mychart#and let them know i just don't have the funds rn tho i do deeply appreciate that Medicaid at least pays part of it#im just not at a point where i can cover the rest but that I'll reschedule/have a new referral sent whenever that changes#...and hopefully things in this country will be of such a state that such care is still available to ppl like me.#but that's all we're saying on that bc im already having a pathetic little cry over this#(im fine the med side effects have me crying over everything lol i see a sad commercial and Instant Tears like someone died lmaooo)
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Thredup is a great site for if you care only about what brand your clothes are and not about any of their features
#all of the search and categorizing options are so terrible#I mean the options are fine. it would be nice if selecting them meant you were shown clothing that matched them#also. you say on the site that sizing is wildly inconsistent between brands (we know)#you also provide (some) measurements for most items#why are you using tag size to sort things. you could use the measurements#‘my size’ is a basically useless filter because you want to put in the full range of sizes that might fit you in some brands#(since there’s not one size that fits you in all or even most brands)#but then 98% of results when you actually click on something cute are not your measurements anyway#because that size in that particular brand doesn’t fit#also why do you use only chest measurements for dresses. where is the waist measurement.#those are different things and there’s not a consistent ratio between them you can’t skip one#same with skirts having waist but not hip#although usually I’m looking for (and not finding because again filters don’t work) for styles where the hip measurement is irrelevant#you sure can search and sort by brand though!#thank god nobody cares about the style and fit and characteristics of their clothing and only the name on the inside#mine#tangent in the tags#not really though it’s all very much on the same topic lol#I got bored with poshmark browsing last time so I decided to switch it up#you would think a site where everything runs through it would standardize their stuff better but no it’s somehow worse#than the site with a thousand random people doing different things#thredup#thrifting
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i feel a little bit like they were writing this series and then they lost the script of the last episode at the last minute and used ai to write a replacement, like it was so incongruent with the rest of 8b in every way
tonally it was off, it hit the big 9-1-1 things, the emergency, the buck and eddie scenes, the someone comes to save the day thing, and then it wrapped up the storylines in one neat little bow at the end but it didnt touch any of the love and depth that the rest of 8b (contagion disregarded because it was outstandingly poor writing and also didnt match the rest of the season)
but like
sorry i felt myself shifting in to rant mode so had to put it under a read more because i am NOT going to be clogging up people's dashes with complaining
we didnt want the stories wrapped up in a neat little bow, we wanted to see them, we wanted to examine the storylines in depth
without that montage at the end it still would kind of been a shit finale, but at least we'd have the set ups to follow through into next season, we could still explore maddie pregnancy, buck and eddie both deciding to stay at the 118 (+buddie roommates era), more chim/hen captain explorations, chris and eddie could still have a discussion about kimothy and texas vs LA, we could explore athenas grief some more (+ bobby!alive), we could get some more meat on the mara wilson bones for a proper adoption story
also some more grief examining for all of them, a buck&harry&may scene, a chim&hen scene, just more bereavement scenes, if they're truly sticking to the bobby!dead thing which is so dumb and what a WASTE of peter krause's love for the show, imagine having this exception actor who LOVES working on this dumb little procedural, so much he became an exec producer, and you treat him like THAT, insane frankly, but if you're going to kill bobby off properly (why work song then 🙄) at least explore that grief for longer, instead we have time skipped ???? to at least a few months later because maddie baby born ???? why ????
anywayyyy, i dont know man, it just felt like the episode was a boring replay of previous shit and then they wrapped everything up in a neat little bow for no reason ??? like theyve already got the renewal, i could understand if the renewal was still up in the air, but it wasnt? not at the time of writing or at the time of filming ?
#im not putting this in the tag because im just ranting basically#but the more time that passes from the finale the more baffled i am by it#like why do all that for no payoff#bizarre#and im not even talking about buck and eddie#which BTW was bucks only fucking plot this season#everything else he was involved in was just like side stuff from other people's plto#i KNOW i love buck so im unfairly biased towards him#but they literally gave oliver nothing this series#except the buck misses eddie thing#which like#as a buck and eddie shipper i did enjoy#but then they didnt even DO ANYTHING WITH IT#its just fine now ????#no#its bad writing#sort it out#new showrunner needed desperately#i realise i am a literature graduate and therefore am unnecessarily analytical about the media i consume but PLEASE#you need to sort this out#every storyline was just hand waved away in the last five minutes of the finale#you didnt need to do that#like literally just pick up next season ???#annoying#im annoyed#sorry i will stop
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IT WENT SO WELL GUYS. I feel dumb as fuck for having been so anxious
#the new team? THE nicest people ever#the cafe? pretty much unchanged#there is a new till but other than that everything is basically the same#oh and there’s more space behind the counter. and the cups are different; we can’t write on them anymore#so i have to improvise a bit with stirrer sticks or talk with customers in order to denote which drink is which. yuck#other than that all is well! we have some different cakes and stuff but i’ve never worried much about supplies#people bring stuff to me and i’m just like yeah sure i’ll scan that. i don’t care#the coffee machines are the same. the oven’s the same. microwave is gone which i HOPE means we no longer have soup#there’s no chalkboard anymore which means customers can see the prices and selection better#not that they’re using that info. but anyway#but the best part is MY KNEE WAS FINE#it was just like oh we’re standing up? okay#i know it was just a quick trial but literally i can tell QUICKLY if my knee is going to complain about an activity#and it didn’t. at all#it still isn’t. there was a moment when it twinged when i got in the car but i don’t know if i just sat down weird#or my knee was just like ‘hey why are you suddenly sitting down after standing’#either way i genuinely don’t think i’m going to have a problem. like i want to start on short shifts just to make sure#but if i absolutely had to do an 8 hour shift i probably could with some nurofen and a lunch break halfway through#i did communicate all of this to the manager and she was i think kind of nonplussed but also grateful that i gave her the info#i genuinely care about this place unfortunately. the coffee shop benefits a charity so i genuinely don’t want to fuck up#i want them to make a good decision. i also want to go back and work there#but i understand if they get worried and don’t want to fill out an accident report. again#anyway i hope i get it! they said they have 7 vacancies which i think is a wild amount of vacancies#everyone seemed to like me and i was benevolently teased for going on autopilot bc i already know the systems lol#guys. we might be back#personal
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I made pasta, I used tomatoes and asparagus and a can of tomatoes for the sauce and I did everything right, I made extra for the next few days, I ate pasta, it was really yum but
I FORGOT TO PUT CHEESE ON TOP
#this is all Sophia's fault#ALL OF IT#the entire time i was cooking she was all i could think about#and my dumb dumb coworkers#they're so dumb all they worry about is when we'll get paid#all i worry about is them hating me for literally everything#i feel like they hate me#no one trusts me or respects me that I've been there five years and i don't know#or they want me to do too much like the accountant wanting me to work out what needs to be queried on the job#i don't know?????#I'm not an accountant???? i failed basic tax?????#i do not know what needs to be done to finalise a job#but i feel awful for him#he has to tell Sophia some really hard news and only he can tell her and i just#i wonder if he's mentioned it#she'll be so devastated because she gets him to do a lot of carer type stuff for her and now i don't know i just#he's a really nice guy he really cares for her and the business and everything and#like it'll be so hard for him#i just#he'll try and make it work and I'm sure it'll be fine he's a really hard worker but like idk it'll be so hard?????#he needs to sleep as well??????
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been cleaning my dorm for like 4 hours and it somehow does not feel like it has amounted to anything
#i have completed tasks things are better!! where the fuck is my dopamine you bitch#i couldn't deal w a lot of stuff in the way i would normally want to bc im trying to unfuck a LOT of things here#namely the cat piss closet. i have since washed basically everything in there bc they smell like piss#by virtue of sharing air with the piss for possibly weeks (im not bitter im not bitter) but ofc i can't put them#back in the closet bc it still smells like cat piss despite my best efforts#i am. very underequipped for this btw#anyway none of the major things i WANTED to be better are better despite effort (i.e. i wanted to stop living out of my suitcase#but i still can't do that bc the closet is still fucked up. so the scrubbing and scrubbing and scrubbing the floor and washing clothes#didn't lead to the tangible reward of not kicking my fucking suitcase every morning#and rascal Does Not Like It when im up and moving so a hazard of doing any chores is getting attacked#and oh boy did he#ugh i wanted to clear my weekend i had ASSIGNMENTS. I STILL HAVE ASSIGNMENTS#but thats not super appealing bc again im tired and i feel like dookie doodoo ass#but i don't want to have shit to do over the weekend bc i know my work is probably gonna be affected by my mental health#which is definitely gonna be affected by The Event. i wanna get my shit done before tomorrow afternoon but like. guh#whatever it's fine we roll nonetheless. i could probably get away with skipping another class or two over this anyway#only good thing about this#would be nice to go home and wash my face. shower. etc#anyway. if nobody got me i know kaiji fa.nart as my keyboard background got me 🤝#(chanting) no matter what kind of bad day im having kaiji's having a worse one no matter what kind of day im having kaiji's having a worse#horribly embarrassing moment where a friendly stranger in class saw like 4 kaijis in the margins and was like whos that :3#no it's not a bad thing i was just caught off guard and my drawing's rusty as fuck and whatever. bleh#im trying figure out his design bc im in trauma-bonded love aith him or whatever and#but my ass will NOT look up a reference. in class. and i haven't been drawing out of class bc ive been doing work for class. c'est la vie#wait i never closed that parenthesis. here:)#ech then again maybe i'll want the distraction of work. crossing that bridge when i get to it#after all i can just work ahead if that's the case yk#to explain the closet my roommate stayed in the dorm over winter break and i didn't and at some point in there#roomie's cat pissed on a fallen skirt like crazy. and then that piss was trapped in there for possibly weeks#and im not bitter not even a little that i didn't get an apology from my roommate. but hey don't ask and don't receive ig
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