#so im nothing crazy but it is like. wow...so many experiences ive had.. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

irishbabyx · 1 year ago

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Parts of me last year

unk date --- green lake starbucks

so many faces and bodies that contain unique energies. i still feel that imposter syndrome. who do i think i am? i think i am a good person somehow. i am not hurting anyone or wishing bad luck either. i simply sustain myself.. but on digital media, i presume more life than i actually do. what is success? is it being financial secure? why don’t i have relationships? its like i can’t call or text anyone to hang out with or just be around. is it the energy i give out that people don’t think of or miss me? am i difficult to be around? some days i just want to sit down and not have to talk….. this is why im single lol my expectation is way too high. i expect someone to be perfect when im not and that causes insecurity then i retract. it a vicious cycle i take part in and don’t know how to stop.

i hate being home. ive wasted a couple of years of my life doing nothing. i haven’t really enjoyed myself in washington. i feel like im just violently existing - waiting for someone to notice me and be with me as i heal…

wow - just caught someone’s eyes and that was cute. he was cute - though i am not sure what he is doing here. what’s wrong with me? or what’s right with me? i just want someone to notice me. this guy next to me is .. whatever.

idk if its the caffeine but im having a lot of anxiety. maybe because of daniel. he’s ignoring me. meaning he’s not interested in me anymore. what should i do? just keep cool?

tuesday, march 21st, 2023

at GL starbucks

got back from vegas this morning. spent almost 2 weeks there visiting family, my parents came up as well. helped my sister semi-settle in her new home. so proud of her for coming this far in her life and career. it felt intimidating but i had to pause and tell myself that she also had her own pathway full of treks and obstacles to get her to where she is now. got to know jordan a little bit more, though it was always awkward interactions. he is a family man. he will do everything he can to protect them despite two of the kids not being biologically his. i hope he didn’t feel too overwhelmed us all there - we are all pretty crazy. i also wanted to feel how it would be like living there, so far the only downside is lower income. though now that i think about it, will it matter if i stress about money no matter where i am? the kids are truly little humans now. time is a thief. when it was with kayla, everything was amplified but with more children, everyone’s got a little more chill. not so worried about what goes in the baby’s mouth or if their eating/sleeping schedule is off. we were all just living in the moment. what i did notice, which i want to avoid happening (if that’s even all that possible) is to deter kayla from swallowing derogatory words from my parents and taking it to heart. i know what those exact words did to me as a child and i want her to avoid taking the same steps we have. providing a nurturing, loving, protective home allows them to see the world in a lighter and brighter lens. that no matter the cruel things we see and hear around us, that family should remain golden. i took my family for granted. i made them disposable even though they are the most permanent things from the day i had my first breath.. i wish i had listened to my parents more and read between the lines instead. they showed tough love, but love regardless. had i known they were just new parents experiencing trials and tribulations in a new generation and didn’t also know a damn thing about mental health. their behaviors are hard to unlearn but it feels my duty to protect the next generations from their blinds eyes toward positive child rearing, rather not known. being their aunty mom makes me feel more confident in becoming a mom truly. i aspire to be like my sister who possesses patience day by day. she always kept grounded.

the downside of the trip was the the deep, slow hum of loneliness. i want to experience life with someone. highs and lows. someone to feel and express with. someone i gravitate towards to and look forward to any time of day. i miss that. i miss a partner. that deep ache and longing was present. i met nathaniel, 39 y/o air force pilot. i still can’t wrap my mind around our interactions. i was late 30 mins and made a fuss about it. he noticed everything i said and also had an answer to everything. i didn’t think he’d invite me back to his apartment. that was also strange. idk what he thinks of our age difference - i don’t think he does but he wants someone who is more mature than i. the thing about me is that i don’t know how to express my thoughts into words, let alone formulate a sentence that actually has context. it doesn’t make sense to me. i have lost touch with meaningful conversations. anyway, he’s hot and buff and god damn i choked. i haven’t been able to stop feeling giddy, though i know this is only temporary. he is emotionally unavailable and knows it himself.

boundaries and traumas emanating

monday, march 27th, 2023

at GL retreat

so much has happened since i got back from seattle. so much? actually maybe not but something significant happened. lol that guy i mentioned above turned out to be super psycho and downright TOO sensitive and disrespectful. the messages he sent me were very questionable regarding his integrity and character, for someone serving in the military? now that i think about it, that’s almost abuse, no? i don’t know but glad it only lasted that short. i can’t imagine what other shit he would have came up with or deduce. anywho, i hate that i spiral so quickly when i know what’s about to happen. like financially, how am i gonna come up with rent for next month? and also calling out of work because i got too drunk again last night. these decisions are affecting my livelihood and it’s embarrassing to think and write about. tho this is my reality, i never learned through these difficult times in my life. i continue letting it happen as if it one day, everything will miraculously solve themselves. i am proud of how far i’ve come though, especially without a college degree. i was able to make it out in seattle this long and though.

i want better relationships with my family, individually and as a whole. they continue to support me despite showing angst and being disappointing. i never stopped caring about them and vice versa. i’ve just been hiding my vices from them and that’s what ultimately broke our relationship apart. i was always the issue, not them. i am learning as i go and going on that trip to meet them solidified that family is what i need right now. there was this narrative in my childhood and early adulthood that i was a burden to them and that i was some sort of a leech. i have to forgive myself for that because while it is/was true, i didn’t know i was doing it maliciously. well maybe in their perspective it was.

love life? lol why do i keep talking about this. broken record laced with desperation.

you know, mollie says this over and over that there is a chemical imbalance and it’s not me… why is it so hard to admit that myself? that there will always be that throughout my life. most people dip down multiple times in their lives. i can validate my thoughts and emotions, but i can’t always feel sorry/bad about myself and stay in that dip. cheers, irish. take care of yourself because others need you to.

saturday, april 1st, 2023

at GL starbucks

the early months flew by. i feel like this is the case as i get older. it all just.. happens. the earth will remain even without us. we are but a flicker of light. this week was okay. i fell ill after restarting naltrexone. at least i know now that that’s what the medication does to me. i never knew if meds worked for me or not because i always just feel numb.. now i question if the fluoxetine is also working. the only thing i feel like i need to work on is self-esteem. i have a few people in my circle because that side of me is so vulnerable. you can easily use it to tear me down.

something about having a routine though. it feels safe. but when you do the same thing over and over, people think you’re crazy? for example, going to starbucks ordering the same thing and sitting in the same spot..

anyway. idk what came over me last night but david came over. i hurriedly cleaned my room and vacuumed. lolol the shit i do for men that i wouldn’t even do for myself. i was already so drunk but man was i desperate for it. wow idk how long its been but he aged. LOL grew a mustache but overall looks and smells the same. still bad in bed. won’t stay erect and takes FOREVER to cum. i’m convinced he needs medication. he did remember a few things about me tho? my bed? he was wearing converse how cute. he does care about what he wears. i might buy those converses now. i need to forget about him. he obviously doesn’t care about me and just thinks im a quick booty call. maybe i am a sucker for him tho. i may have hurt his ego too much. from his clothes, to his name, how his converse were yellow, how he lasted, it was all sarcasm but maybe that is my toxic red flag. men have much more sensitive ego that we think.

tuesday, april 18th, 2023

at GL retreat

what’s going on with me again? honestly.. i have these waves of motivation. one week i’m at the very tip top. the next, i’m just existing. i need to stop sending messages to people when i’m drunk like LINDA OR DAVID?? OR NELSON?? JESUS irish. you need to stop. that shit is embarrassing and you are jeopardizing your relationships with people and it makes you look bad and pathetic. i really don’t know how to control myself. alcohol is putting me at risk.

monday, may 8th, 2023

at LV house

i feel like i’m drowning above water. just in debt. i don’t know how to manage my money. i don’t know how to ask for help. i don’t know who to ask for help for. what can i do? a financial advisor, but will i get through this feeling of shame? my parents can’t know.. let my alone my siblings. i feel like a failure. it is because i am. they are all successful and here i am struggling. it was nice being around the family, even just for a day. i feel safe with them.

wednesday, june 7th, 2023

at home (green lake terrace)

what am i feeling? this is a weird sensation. when i want to just talk to someone. or jolt my thoughts down. i’ve gotten too used to being alone that loneliness doesn’t bother me anymore. i feel like i am living in an elderly woman’s body and growing accustomed to independence. however you see that lol. i still feel the need to connect to the outside world and i guess that’s the younger version of me comes in. though i could live alone or isolated, i would still need to know what is going on around me. is this the age i was brought up to? maybe i couldn’t escape that reality.

thursday, june 15th, 2023

at home (green lake terrace)

qi xuan?? huang? hahaha why do i feel so giddy? is this a new thing? i like that he’s not afraid to be himself. he has a fire in him that i want to ignite in myself.

thursday, june 22nd, 2023

at home (green lake terrace)

drunk. me and qi had sex like twice already. sooooo good. its not even the size but the intimacy. feels so comforting. i feel comfortable with him.. just someone i don’t feel like i need to compete with or feel like i need to impress. he’s humble. he’s himself.

sunday, july 16th, 2023

at armistice coffee in roosevelt

woof.

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rivetgoth · 3 years ago

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trip report from last night did a new drug for tha first time ✌

omfg i tried molly 4 the first time last night and it was a mess. i kno molly isnt really a consistent single type of drug so idk wtf i got but like, it was from a batch a lot ov people i know had already taken and had good reports, so idk. anyway i took it like an hr before we left for the club hoping it would hit shortly after i was there and instead like, 2 hours in i was feeling basically nothing but a little antsy, a little anxious, sorta in my own head, nothing much else though. so i had a drink (just 1 !! being responsible with the molly/alcohol overlap i promise) to calm my nerves and was feeling better but mostly just normal buzzed at the club... we danced a little but the music was NOT that good and the dancefloor was NOT popping, it was empty as fuck tbh. then a big group of friends got there and literally two and a half hours after taking the pill... it HIT out of NOWHERE as i was trying to say hi to them, my heart started slamming in my chest and i felt so delirious, i felt like i was going to die tbh and i KNOW drugs enough to know that im not, literally like a bunch other ppl i know have taken this batch of pills they are safe and it was just me freaking out but my heart felt out of control, angel was reassuring me that my heartbeat sounded fine but i was panicking like when i took too many edibles or shrooms lol 😭 so i was having this stupid panic attack in slow motion at the club while trying to act normal enough to socialize...

everything just felt really chaotic and too much. like the music wasnt good but it was so damn loud, i didnt know anybody except my immediate friend circle and it felt simultaneously too crowded and surrounded but also like there was nothing to do, nobody was being super sociable there, i just felt so insane i felt so out of control i wanted to keep moving but i also wanted to lie down and i couldnt talk or communicate well with people, me and angel went to the bathroom so i could try to calm down and i just kept repeating that i felt like i was going crazy........ finally i just told her i wanted to go because i couldnt handle it, it was just too much, i was getting paranoid during every conversation and i just wanted to sit down somewhere... the bouncers were being really really rude about ins and outs and kept demanding to know why we were leaving and what we wanted from the car, as if thats any of their business when we paid the fucking 25 dollar cover fee and were on the guest list loll stupid. we sat in the car and one of my bffs came out to chat with us for awhile, the bouncers gave him a little less shit because he explained he was coming out to check on us haha. it was so nice after that, just chilling in the car and talking. me and angel decided to go home early after that, it wasnt even midnight yet i dont think, we drove around and listened to music and it was sooo nice, i felt so much more in control and just felt so elated and euphoric... listening to skuppy and ministry and thrill kill kult and iamx and tr/st and male tears etc etc. once i was out of the club and in the car and then in my house with speakers on listening to music it felt amazing, totally euphoric like similar to the times ive taken fucking.. prescription opioids and shit, like wow, but my god @ how bad that shit hit at the club, one of the scarier drug experiences of my life initially 😭 such is the life of a goth club kid in his 20s ig lmaooo. the club was wack honestly it was wayyyyy too expensive, 25 cover fee plus 25 for each drink plus 8 dollars for water plus rude bouncers empty dance floors and boring music. waste of time but at least i got that experience outta the way, it was really fun to experience in hindsight. fear and loathing in los angeles.

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vlogsquadssquad · 5 years ago

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secure

summary: Charlie puth invites David to a get together where David meets y/n and they hit it off.

a/n: a teensy weensy bit angst but im 100% making a part 2 of this with a happy ending so no worries!!!!!!!!!

warnings: language

mood board:

-- 3RD PERSON DD & CP

“hey what are your plans for Saturday?” Charlie asked David as they finished up a bit for the vlog.

“umm, nothing really. im kind of in a fog right now. why?” David took a bite of his apple.

“well im throwing a small little kickback at my house. a few of my music friends are coming and it might get you some good connections, if you'd like.”

“dude, that's fucking sick! name drop! is Selena Gomez gonna be there?” David asked excitedly.

“no, no, Selena doesn't really do too many social events anymore. she's going through a lot...” David raised his eyebrow as Charlie looked to the ground. “but you know who will be there? y/f/n!”

“shut the fuck up dude are you serious?” Davids heart dropped at the thought of y/n at the party. he's been crushing on her for a bit, and has been dying to meet her.

“yeah, I mean she texted me she would, why are you all giddy?” Charlie punched David on the shoulder playfully, but secretly didn't want David to say he had a crush on her because truth was, so did Charlie. what's not to like? she's humble, kind, funny, easy-going, and down for anything.

“oh, uhh... no reason, just she's a pretty popular singer right now. good clickbait.” David said with nervousness in his voice. he didn't want to admit that he had a crush when he hasn't even met her.

“alright, well ill see you at the kickback then. bring some friends!” Charlie tried not to sound worried or suspicious. he’d have to keep an eye on the two.

-- YOUR POV

I really hate going to parties. but Charlie promised it would be chill and just a way to destress. ive been in a fog with my album im writing. I have great songs but I need two more and im stuck on what to write about. maybe the party will be a good thing.

-texts w - Charles 🤪 -

< should I wear something casual or ?? are we dressing nicer lol

you look great in everything! >

maybe party casual if that's a thing? >

< thought it was a kickback you ass! lol but thanks for the heads up. see you there, Charles! 😉

-end texts-

he hated when i called him Charles but i love messing with him. after careful examining of the clothes i had, i decided to go as I was. it was an easy going outfit but I still looked put together. I had no one to impress anyways.

-- 1st PERSON DD

“dude, im so nervous.” i whispered to Ilya, who knew of my crush.

“its fine man, don't be a pussy.” i took a drink of my water and grabbed my camera to film with Benny Blanco a little he always had something funny or interesting to say.

“Charles!” I heard from the living room. i didn't think anything of it and kept filming with Benny and Jeff. a little while goes by and then Benny looks over my shoulder.

“hey, y/n/n! so good to see you!” i froze. y/n went and gave benny an inviting hug and then turned to me. her eyes were easy to melt into.

“hi, good to see you, im y/n” she went in for a hug. she smelled beautiful.

“oh, hi. im David. big fan.”

“and im Jeff, wow you look so great, can I get you a drink?”

i rolled my eyes at Jeff trying to make a move. of course he's into the same girl I am.

“oh, im ok, I actually don't really like to drink.” she's so kind and gentle as she speaks.

“so how is the album coming?” benny asks her.

“its... not.” she laughs lightly but I can tell she's stressed. is it too early to tell her I already know her inside and out? am I crazy for watching all her interviews, tiktoks, and instagram stories?

“im in a fog,” she looks to the ground. how are we already so compatible? “I want two more songs but im having trouble finding a conclusion to the story im telling. maybe there isn't one, I don't know.”

“what's the story you're trying to tell?” I ask feeling very brave and comfortable already.

“basically my current dating life.” she slightly blushes. “its so hard dating and every time I start to like a guy or I know of him and I already have a crush on him, it doesn't end well. and I have these little romances I write about but they all end in either piggy behavior or ghosting.” we laughed along with her. her smile was radiating.

“maybe I can help, do you wanna go to Charlie’s studio?” Benny asks her.

“you're an angel! yes! ill repay you in food.” she laughs. as they walk out, Im watching her. she moves so flawlessly. “hey, you can come too. might get something good for the vlog.” she smiles to me. my heart is beating out of my chest. she watches my videos or at least knows of me. “cool, thank you.” I say trying to remain calm. she also pulls Charlie in and he drapes his arm around her shoulder. they're just friends.

as we get seated in the room, Benny starts asking her questions. “so, we know what message you're giving but how are you delivering it for the album? what's the feeling? want to play us a song that captures the vibe?”

“well I only have the instrumentals for the songs but I can play one live?”

“great, lets do it.” Charlie smiled to her as he handed her a mic.

“don't post this anywhere, David” she warned.

she brought warmth to my cheeks. “nope, ill only use it as blackmail.”

her laugh was such a gift. I could tell jokes all day just to hear her laugh again.

she played a beautiful song that was slow and powerful and all about heartbreak. it hurt to hear her go through that. then benny asked for another song. this one was more pop. like id hear it on the radio, but still deep.

the rest of the night was them composing songs and some stupid jokes here and there. safe to say she's the most down to earth and funny person in the room. the fans will go crazy that im here with her. im going crazy that im here with her.

-- YOUR POV

I spent the whole night in the studio with some amazing people. I found myself taking it all in and being so thankful for my life. ive known of David and watched his vlogs pretty frequently too, but being with him was a whole different experience. he gave great advice and genuinely helped me through some of my block. he gave a listeners point of view and had fresh ears. it was nice. he even offered to walk me to my car.

“I figured you'd have like a limo waiting for you outside or something.” he joked as we walked toward the street.

“nope, that's just youtubers.” I joked back.

he laughed, “ouch.”

“thank you for your input tonight.” he chuckled. “no, I really mean it. I think I know exactly how I want to end the album.” I look into his eyes as my back is pushed against my car.

“where's your mind at?” he looks back to me.

“loving myself. I know it sounds cliche, but isn't the greatest romance of all, the love you have for yourself? tonight was the most fun ive had, and it was just hanging out with friends talking about endless things.”

he nods as he takes my words in. “you're really secure with yourself. I like that. its going to be a great album.”

he leans in and for a moment I think he's going to kiss me which I don't need right now. then I see his hands go low to the handle of my car door and he opens it for me.

“oh, I can't take a hint, huh?” I joke with him.

“no, not at all. I just know you're excited to go home and write your new hit.” he says almost seriously.

“thank you” I whisper. “and also, can I get your number? id love to do something fun for the vlogs.”

-- DAVIDS POV, NEXT DAY

“il, it couldn't have gone better! she asked for my number, bro!”

“that's fucking sick. imagine you dating one of americas sweetheart, music icons.” Ilya pokes at David.

“its not a fucking joke, I really think there was something there but id really like to get to know her better.”

“who are we talking about?” Charlie asks as he enters the room. David had texted him to meet up for a bit they were doing.

“uh, no one.” im quick to reply knowing they're` great friends and I don't want any drama.

“oh ok... so what'd you think of y/n?” he asks me.

“oh she's great, yeah, I was editing some last night and I think I'll keep some parts in.”

“yeah, she's so easy to be around. I think im gonna ask her out, she's kind of the girl of my dreams, and im like 99% sure she's in love with me too.” he says almost marking his territory.

I look to Ilya and he just half smiles. “oh, that's great man. yeah you should ask her out if you're in love with her. she's a great catch.” my chest falls as I say it aloud. I really thought she liked me.

part 2

#davids vlogs #david dobrik #david dobrik fanfiction #david dobrik imagine #david dobrik x reader #David dobrik fanfic #David dobrik imagines #vlog squad #vlog squad imagines #vlog squad fan fiction #Charlie puth #Charlie puth fanfic #Charlie puth imagine #Charlie puth fan fiction

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v-le · 6 years ago

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Kmusic: JTBC’s 슈퍼밴드(Superband) Review

Foreword: SUPERBAND WAS AMAZING AND IT WAS EVERYTHING I NEVER KNEW I NEEDED IN MY LIFE. yup

After binge-watching this entire program, I knew I had to write something about it. This show literally took my breath away, this show filled all my senses with overwhelming excitement, appreciation, and respect for every single participant, and the music, THE MUSIC, that came out of this show will forever be some of the most amazing songs I have ever heard in my life. But above all else, this show filled a void, an emptiness, a traumatizing, painful longing in my heart that has been needing some intense healing for a while now.

With all the things that have happened with my singer, Superband coming into my life and being the show it was, with all those amazing artists doing what they did, it was a literal blessing and I just……. I just cant believe they did THAT. They did it and it was AMAZING.

First off, whoever thought to make an audition program for MUSICIANS, SINGER-SONGWRITERS, ARTISTS, PRODUCERS, and just instrument-playing people AND VOCALISTS…….. you are a fucking genius and I am so glad that this idea never died in the shadows and was allowed to come to life on the screens.

What I found so poignant about this show from the get-go was how GOOD THESE AUDITIONS WERE… these people came in being REALLYYYYY good at (presumably) one thing like the guitar, or singing, or the violin. These people each had their specialty, they were exceptional music-making people. No one was quite mediocre or “rookie”, each person had some pretty credible expertise or experiences with music, and that in itself, the fact that we got to start off with these sorts of contestants, is something ive never seen before.

I don’t want to compare to other singing shows or the Produce series or whatever else countless audition programs Korea has been churning out over the past years, but since Superband began with this concept, it was already a show that I knew I would LOVE. For the 2 times ive watched Produce, I was always so perturbed by these prepubescent pretty boys frolicking around on stage, barely being able to even pull off a simple note. I just thought so many of them were so TALENTLESS…. But who am I to judge.

I think it really just comes down to preference, and even though I knew very well that idols and k-pop are not even things I enjoy anymore, I forced myself through programs like Produce. But now, with Superband, I felt so HAPPY and glad to be watching and discovering such talented musicians…THIS IS WHAT I WANTED ALL ALONG.

Even with the very first audition with Ha Hyunsang… OMFG UGHhHhh THAT BOI IS SO FLUFFY but so good at the same time… I feel like each time I see him, I ACTUALLY just want to give him a hug :’-(( the emotional depth in his singing is beyond describable and im SO PROUD TO HAVE WATCHED HIM GROW !!!!!!

That’s another thing I really really realllyyyyyyy loved from this show........ it was the process of watching these people develop, mature, change, grow with show. Some contestants went through some major growing pains, but it was so heartwarming to watch them improve, not that they were even bad to begin with. And the reversals!! Or the expansions?? The turnarounds?? The CONMEN!!!

AHHhhHHhhh okay im still very obsessed with the infinite amount of talent some dudes had, but before I get to that, let me continue on with those stellar auditions, aka the three genius guitarists, too ;_______; they. Are. So. Amazing. I love them a lot. I think I completely fell for them. And I hate myself. I hate to admit it a lot because I used to ALWAYS shit on dudes younger than me, I disliked basically every contestant on produce that was younger than ‘99, I thought they were all useless young children… but 김영소, 이강호, & 임형빈, were a completely different story. I LOVE THEM!!! I always had a bias toward a man that could play the guitar well… but these guys holy moly, they blew me away… they are so exceptional at what they do and the fact that theyre still so YOUNG… good lord…..my poor heart was so conflicted but ultimately so happy to have discovered them.

To watch these guys be thrown into that first 1:1 perf, and literally tearing up the stage and setting the bar VERY HIGH from the very beginning of the competition… phew… my goodness…. The talent with these kids… o my…. Okay yeah, nope im never gonna get over it. The ‘Adventure of a Lifetime’ stage will always be an iconic one from this program, and we all know it. Who knew a pure acoustic, musical performance, no vocals included stage would be so amazing…. I LOVE THEM!! Have I mentioned that yet?

Going back to the reversals/scamming thing... I guess this goes with watching some people grow……. I want to give a holy and blessed shoutout to probably my favorite contestant out of this entire show: 신광일….. he was such a dark horse. In fact, I don’t even remember his audition tbh because he was THAT not-memorable in the beginning LOL (or also.. I believe they never showed his audition to begin with)… but he quickly caught my eye as the eps went on because he came out of nowhere and whipped out all (or maybe not even all…) his skills like secret weapons, stage after stage.. he came in as a vocalist, picked up the bass for two the performances after that (all while still singing, too), although having never played the bass formally... and then once joining hands with Juhyeok and Yechan, he just miraculously becomes the drummer, because they ultimately decided that they needed percussion in their songs. So from thereon after, since ‘Hold Back The River’, Gwang-il, to me, was literally GOD(신) Gwang-il, as he played the drums and SANG TOO…..and may I add, hes not even that old?????? HES FRKING ONLY 2 YEARS OLDER THAN ME WTF;__; the boy got all these crazy blisters while perfecting the drums, but he didn’t let anything stop him and he was sucH A SOLID BAND MEMBER ALL THROUGHOUT, AHHHHHH MVP GOES TO SHIN GWANG-IL, YALL….(also I just found out that hes a trainee from Mystic Story, aka Yoon Jong shin’s agency aka the agency that I’ve been following for many many MANYYYY years now bc a lot of my favorite artists have come out of it…. Wow what is this fate)

And special recognition goes to Im Hyung-bin aka one of the 18 yr old genius guitarists bc he … oh my…. He frking became the pianist and singer by the end of the show…. Omfg… yall.. HE is also another infinitely talented soul. AND HES EXTRA FRKING YOUNG…

Besides these two though, there were many many many manyyyyy other people as well that took up multiple instruments throughout the show, or even began singing, or just did EVERYTHING….I was so mindblown by this, im still honestly not over it at all.

Because like, is this normal?? Isn’t that so unprofessional?? Its already so crazy that this show already starts us off with NON-amateur musicians and artists. But then some of these dudes have never done any other things formally before they got thrown into it; they came into this show “specializing” in something completely different, yet they jump onto the stage and do what they needed to, HELLA FRKING WELL…… so many of these dudes, you wouldn’t know that was his first time playing the bass, playing the drums, first time playing that piano, or first time being on the keyboard AND being a vocal, you wouldn’t know any of that unless they mentioned it, unless you watched the show and saw their story.

Because they all pulled it off THAT well.. these people that did these things for the first time ever while being on Superband, they executed their roles so well and showcased such wonderfully exhilarating talent…. IM SO BLESSED TO HAVE DISCOVERED SUCH AMAZING ARTISTS….

That was one of the biggest feats of Superband for me. The limitless talent that came out of it. I LOVE watching people like this. Their passion for music fuels such undeniable skill and fervor, and when they step onto that stage, they are literally unstoppable. They made music that stopped my time, stopped my heart, in the moment, but literally MOVED me...i applaud these people so much. I really do.

Thinking back to it now, the number of stages that came out of this show was like…. Countless…. Like… A LOT…. Since episode 1, each stage was very well-produced and I truly enjoyed watching each one from the start. This show was just so jampacked overall, although I admit that sometimes it was arduous due to the GRIND that these people were on, presenting stage after stage after stage, and then listening to LOTS of feedback from almost each judge over and over and over, but it was still nothing short of musical masterpieces out there. I really appreciate how STUFFED, how FILLED TO THE BRIM, this show was with dynamic, enjoyable, exceptional performances (and words of valuable opinions & evaluations, too)

I can re-watch many of them, every day, for days on end. I loved it. And can we just talk about how impressive these dudes are for pulling off something new, for taking on a brand-new challenge with a brand-new set of members, time and time again, stage after stage, week after week, until we came down to the 6 solid bands in the last 3 episodes? They constantly had to work with new people, match their music preferences, fill spaces in their music where they didn’t exactly have someone they may have needed. They had to compensate, compromise, and ultimately DELIVER, at the end of it all. Multiple times. I don’t even remember how many rounds they did… was it 4? I think they had 4 rounds of eliminations before they settled into their official bands. But still... its crazy impressive to think about how driven and flexible a lot of these artists were, to be creating, producing & then performing despite all the different teams they were getting put into week after week.

ANDDDDDD, despite all the odds up against them like the time crunch, the new collab of members each time, the potential lack of a missing instrument or sound, SO many of these teams still came out with self-written and self-produced songs!!!!!!! I mean, even for the cover songs alone, many were already re-arranging everything & basically turning them into new tracks. BUT WITH THOSE SELF COMPOSED SONGS??????????? Some teams literally started from scratch each time, but busted out some amazing tunes and lyrics and executed very very very impressive stages and IM JUST AKFJAKJFKJBSN how…. Are they….. so…. Talented…… I still ask myself each time.

By far, the combo that took my heart and kept it for good….. LUCY ;_______;. I never expected to like Juhyeok’s voice tbh, it was a little TOO weird for me in the beginning… but watching him perform with Yechan and Gwang-il and Wonsang really brought to life his vocal potential for me… that team is literally a combination made in heaven, they have all the right pieces to make ARTWORK… their signature sound was so prominent from the very beginning and i was SO HAPPY when I saw that they stuck to the same exact members once the finale came around.

Before the winner was announced, I told myself very honestly that I didn’t even care who won because the two teams left over, Hoppipolla & Lucy, were already my two all-time favorite combinations of artists from the entire show, and I was already MORE than satisfied with all the wonderful music and stages that everyone had delivered up until that point anyway. But even with that, I was still thoroughly shocked when they announced Hoppipolla as the winning band LOL I gasped aloud. I thought that Lucy at least had a chance. Or like I guess, in my heart, I assumed that Lucy actually won.. LOL but they didn’t.

And in terms of the finale in general, I really would also like to address how I purposely tried really hard to avoid any spoilers and rewatching of performances on youtube before actually finishing the entire series. I tried like reallyyyyy hard, because I wanted to watch the program as thoroughly as possible without spoilers. I HATE SPOILERS. But oh the irony. It was in all in vain anyway.

Once I finally DID finish all 14 episodes, when trying to look for more information/reactions/articles/videos (initially searching in English), I actually struggled SO HARD LMAOOOO bc there was like NOTHING OUT THERE……..i should have known better; this show was definitely NOT catered to the intl. audience (yet?), especially because its in its first season still. There were probably like 2 articles max in English about Superband & it was just about its upcoming premier. Nothing about winners nor results nor anything else i was wary of, anyway. LOLLL THE INTL COMMUNITY DOESN’T CARE; or at least the intl population that DOES care about Superband, is probably reallyyyyyy small……a reddit thread I found was the most substantial discussion I could find, comprised of a few comments max.

And so that brings me to how I always see a lot of comments begging for English subs and everything, but honestly…….. all I have to say to yall is: LEARN KOREAN IF YOU REALLY WANT TO WATCH THE SHOW THAT BADLY !!!

If after all these years, I could pick up Korean to an extent where I can watch things raw, im sure others can do the same as long as they put their mind to it. Ive been really appreciating how far my skills have taken me LOL not trying to be THAT person, but I just know that if I COULDN’T read or listen & comprehend or type in Korean like I can now, I would be missing out on a WORLD of amazing stuff. E.g. superband. And if anything, I would like to think that this show helped me practice my vocab skills a lot more. Listening to the judges’ evals after each stage was really enjoyable: I learned plenty of valuable words out of THEIR words.

This show was phenomenal in that all the contestants had total musical freedom. It was soOOOOO refreshing to watch. They got to choose all their music & their teammates in a fair manner (maybe not so much their competition), but seeing them take their passions & what THEY wanted to do with music and laying that all out onto the stage, was so compelling!!! This freedom allowed for countless, ICONIC AF transformations and growth journeys for soooo many of the artists too!!!! I really realllyyyyyyyy loved watching some of them stepping WAYYYY outside of their comfort zones / the image that they originally came in with (e.g. HONG ISAAC HAAAAHAHHA, Jisang, Hyunsang!!), and also watching alllllll those multitalented “scam characters”!!! HAHAHA, without this program being as open as it was, it would’ve been impossible to be able to see such a myriad of sides to so many different people. I appreciate, I really do.

And I really really realllyyyy enjoyed watching all the behind the scenes of each performance as well!! Of course, its normal to give viewers some background story before each stage, but in Superband, we got to see some very raw sides of music-making….. these dudes literally lived like hobos in the recording studios, all disheveled and sleep-deprived human beans, but ceaselessly making music because that’s what they love. I liked watching teams try out a lot of different songs & styles as they searched for THE right one. And then we got to see the final result on stage after the countless discussions and trials behind the scenes. And these processes repeated for months on end. All the contestants are so commendable in this right. The grind was real, and the show didn’t try to hide that. I enjoyed this very realistic approach !!

At this point, after drowning myself in this show for a few days straight… (those episodes are LONGGGGG, close to two hrs each) ive literally spent every night, and basically day, too, watching all the cuts that jtbc uploaded on youtube over and over and oVERRRRR….. ive also been watching some Superband concert clips, from when the entire final 6 bands went on a domestic tour and performed together for several concerts!!

THAT OPENING STAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BLESS THOSE PEOPLE THAT CAUGHT IT ON CAMERA BECAUSE IT IS LITERALLY SUCH A PIECE OF MUSICAL HEAVEN, omfg the energy on that stage IS SOMETHING ELSE… IF I WERE THERE IN PERSON I PROBABLY WOULDVE CRIED INSTANTLY……. lee juhyeok, kevin oh, chae bohoon, im hyeongbin, kim youngso, ha hyunsang, lee chansol, and kim woosung, all the guitarists/ vocalists lined up in the front… (hearing each vocalist sing a line each made my HEART HURT....I LOVE THEM SM) then the bassists, lee jonghoon, kim hyungwoo, kim hajin, jo wonsang, clustered up AND HAVIN A TIME all by themselves, and the three epic electric guitarists, yang jiwan, kim junhyeob, and Zairo, literally held SUCH stage presence… on the drums: kang kyungyoon all the way to the right, and red haired hwang minjae in the middle, and the super in-sync, traditional drum banging bois, choi youngjin, shin gwang-il, a-il, & jung gwanghyun, all 4 of them bouncing up and down in the back like intense oompa loompas LOL THEY LOOKED SO CUTE, and the string bois!!!!! Shin yechan & benji on the violin next to hong jinho on the cello; yechan and benji started off sitting down but as the song goes on they literally WENT AT IT HAHAHA as expected of two of the most high-energy musicians. On the piano, lee na-woo, the classic icon himself starting off the entire intro, and next to him hong isaac the transformation legend himself on the keyboard + his super distinctive voice!!!!!! And of course, d-pole with his much-expected little music break in the middle….. in fact many of them got ICONIC solo time: kang kyungyoon’s drumming part, kim hyungwoo’s super duper solid bass, minjae’s powerful beats, kim hajin’s LOUD ass bass, lee jonghoon’s legendary slap finger bass playing, jo wonsang’s super ting-y, classic bass section, and yang jiwan’s loud ASS ELEC GUITAR TOO, omg they were all so cute, pointing to each member & hyping them up as it was their few seconds to shine….AND THOSE COLLECTIVE VOICES???? HEARING ALL THE VOCALISTS SING TOGETHER ONE BY ONE… OH my gosh it was soooooo GOOOODDDDDDD.... just watching all those dudes literally have THE TIME OF THEIR LIFE on stage (literally an ADVENTURE OF A LIFETIME), the energy was off the charts… I loveeeeee seeing them so happy, making eye contact with each other, jumping up & down, rocking out, laughing with each other, all while playing their instrument, so fervently, all 27 people on the stage, connected by one song…. Theres SO MUCH OVERFLOW of talent in one freaking place, that song sounded SO MASSIVE just thru the video I cant imagine….. if I were actually there omfg… that’s an actual BAND Like A HUGE FRKING BAND… AHHHHHHHHHH a really legendary stage.. the finest of finest……I can literally watch this opening on repeat without getting bored because I just loveeeee the concept of all of them being together like that :”)))

After watching member after member, team after team get eliminated, seeing them like this on one stage with such happy expressions and making a beautiful piece of music like that o MANNNNNN…. This show…… has really done something to me…

I appreciate every contestant SO MUCH and I wish I could watch everyone be together FOREVER….because knowing how artistically talented each person is on their own, to watch them join together is like the avengers times 72737446352 or something, its just talent & skill plus talent & skill stacked onto even more skill & talents and just an INFINITE amount of potential AND THAT…IS LITERALLY.. THE POWER…. OF A BAND………and of great ass music.

This show was GENIUS TO combine so many musicians from so many different backgrounds…but watching them work together to make pure art, that is so frking rewarding and heartwarming and I feel so blessed to have witnessed it all.

The genres and potential were literally limitless……I think this is what encompassed Superband for me, this is what made me enjoy it SO damn much…. I think ive finally run out of things to say… this piece of text is quite a mess, not very polished….. but I was hasty in recording my thoughts & emotions before they left me, so I tried my best.

My biggest regret with this show is that I didn’t watch it sooner. (what is really ironic is that it took me FOREVER to start the first ep, despite having tonssss of time on my hands... I had it open on one of my tabs for the longest time, but I lowkey grudgingly, eventually, forced myself to finally start it LOL..(thank god I rly did tho) I watched it 2 months after the finale, which is… kinda late? If I had watched it while it was airing, all while I was still in korea, I feel like I would’ve been EVEN MORE in love, even more fervent and passionate about everything. Digging thru old vids & watching things from contestants before they came out onto the show, seeing the artists they were, I could’ve easily gone and seen them myself probably… goddamnit I probably could’ve gone to the superband finale live show, if I had known.. I COULDVE VOTED IN REAL TIME... not that I could’ve brought myself to do it anyway, probably lol….. but basically, if I had known of this show WHILE I was there with them… I don’t know, I could’ve been a lot more active as a fan, I feel like..

Now im back to my original roots: crying in front of my laptop screen and tap-tapping away at my keyboard as a I rant to no one but myself. Being in korea made my appreciation for all kinds of artists, all my beloved ones, EVERYONE, a lot more tangible.. but being back in America… it all becomes hidden into the depths of my heart, once again…

PHEW……I think now is a good time to mention my favorite stages… as I mentioned before, the Lucy AND pre-Lucy lineup will always hold a really special place in my heart so basically all my faves include their stages LOL

‘Swim’ cover by LUCY(신예찬, 이주혁, 신광일, 조원상)

‘Hold Back The River’ cover by 신예찬, 이주혁, 신광일

‘Adventure of a Lifetime’ cover by 조원상, 김영소, 이강호, 임형빈

‘누구 없소’ cover by 케빈오, 박찬영, 신광일, 강경윤

‘선잠’ by LUCY

'Castle on the Hill’ cover by 아일, 하현상, 노마드, 홍진호

‘1000x’ cover by 아일, 하현상, 홍진호, 김형우

‘One More Light’ cover by HOPPIPOLLA(아일, 하현상, 홍진호, 김영소)

‘Cry Bird’ cover by LUCY

‘Viva La Vida’ cover by 하현상, 홍진호, 김영소

‘Flare’ by LUCY

‘Find You Again’ by People on the Bridge(이찬솔, 임형빈, 김준협, 강경윤, 김형우)

My favorite funny moments:

“이게 무슨 짓이야!!?” - mellow kitchen (the stealing of the 3 kiddo guitarists)

“okay let’s be honest, you can’t even hear the bass” - shin hyunbin 2k19

울보 팀

Hyunsang’s fam: 아일 the mom, 홍진호 the dad, 김형우 the hyung

“idk if im allowed to say this but it looked like zombie movie” - yoon jongshin, as they all gathered around the cello man

“I thought to myself, isn’t that cello expensive tho..” - yoon jongshin as youngso slapped & tapped jinho’s cello for percussion

Ah-il’s iconic castle on the hill pose

Zairo’s luck with member choosing lmao

HONG ISAK’S DANCING in ‘Time of My Life’ LOLLL IT GETS ME LAUGHING EACH TIMEEE (& all his nicknames, like eungalchi lmaooo)

Benji’s “YO-RO-BOON HAM-KAY HEY-YO” during ‘Woo-ing’

Gwanghyun’s “do-doom-tak”

Gwanghyun calling Gwang-il’s drum skills equivalent to that of a middle school band’s LOLLLL

**I watched Mone’s radio appearance on Arirang Radio where Benji is the host, and they were an absolute MESS LMAOOOOOO THEY WERE HONESTLY ALL REALLY FUNNY THOUGH.. they kept roasting the crap out of each other and laughing their asses off and man… it was gr8 time and it was really cute to discover that Hong Isaac is now a part of one of Benji’s radio shows too!

One important question I have for this show though: where tf did all the females go? Why was there no female presence at all in this show, I have no clue…… :/

At the end of the day, this show reminded me once again, how to feel happy and excited because of music. how to let great music fill my life with undeniable joy. Being able to look forward to listening to these songs every day, definitely had lifted a small part of me that has been down for all too long. I really appreciate, I am very grateful for, I just… im so thankful to have discovered this show & all its wonderful masterpieces & the beautifully, magically, PASSIONATE artists behind it all………. I needed this in my life at this point in time, I really did.

Thank you for coming to be, Superband.

#kmusic #jtbc #superband #super band #슈퍼밴드 #rant #;________;#a real ass rant #SUPER LOVE FOR SUPER BAND #anyone else that has watched this plz share ur thoughts

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forever-a-misfit · 2 years ago

Text

7.15.2023

wow, shit is crazy.

this is the first time in YEARS that I hop on my laptop & immediately decide to check my tumblr. dont get me wrong, i still have the app on my phone & check it every now & then; but i feel like its not the same experience as it once was when i was younger.

i went through my blog, pictures & hashtags. wow, how i’ve changed. clearly ive grown a lot & continued with my progressive & radical ways hahaha. i was such a baby back then talking about “wild” ideas while everyone continued to soak in their ignorance. basically no one has a chance anymore. you either grow or leave me alone.

anyways.

i’m not here to rant, this post is more for my personal time capsule than it is anything else. i doubt anyone will read this anyways, i just be talking to myself. unfortunately girl, A LOT has changed. just last week one of the worst moments of my life happened. i really lost 1/2 of me.

there are seriously no words for that kinda loss. the funeral’s not till August & i’m terrified of what ill become after that day. the mourning period seems to have passed but i really think im going to break down all over again when that day comes.

idk what else to really say here, but i needed to write something & get it outside of my head for a while. it feels nice to hear those “clickity clacks” from the keyboard hahahaha. i do wish i had the strength to journal it all out but sadly my wrist still be buggin. at least i still have tumblr. man tumblr was really THAT GORL back in the days, i miss her :( i used to come on here to post whatever bullshit i liked, had online mutuals for YEARS & was so young & carefree. now this fucking bag of bricks ripped open over my head, it made me feel the pain that my teenage brain thought it had already experienced.

there’s always the good & the bad to growing up. i’ve finally reached the level of being a woman that i’ve always wanted to. happily single for idk how many years now hahaha. been at my job for 4 going on 5 years (even though that might change soon) but sadly i haven’t gone back to finish school. man i miss college. i also really miss the great friends i met there. i hope theyre doing well. the downside to all of this is: life really smacked the shit outta me recently that nothing i’ve learned & gone through can help me out in this moment. yeah yeah yeah i know i’m strong or whatever, but like?????????

okay now it’s starting to sound like a rant HAHAHAHAHAHA i be lyyyying

okay okay foreal now. if you managed to read all this thanks. i dont know if anything made sense but as i mentioned before, it’s for me & my digital time capsule.

also, don’t come at me for not capitalizing certain words/letters, i’m not here for a fucking grade hahahaha if you’ve seen my previous text posts, most aren’t properly typed out anyways. idc

well Phia i hope shit gets better. <3

[ 7.6.19** - 7.5.2023 ] te voy a extranar

#yes i know the spanish words have accents but suck it idk how to do that shit on my laptop #darlinsophia #forever a misfit #idk what tags to use #here for a good time not a long time #pushing 30 #im glad i took the day off #rip daddy ily forever #im sorry

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sainadazai · 4 years ago

Text

When your crush is angry all the time

Ch.5

"I don't think fire's all that bad, you know"

3rd person pov

°•○●○•°•○●○•°

As the sun hung high in the sky the h/t haired girl stumbled around the train station in search of a restroom. Y/n had never experienced the mundane tasks a commoner would usually persue on a daily. Things like public transit, or any transit for that matter, were an enigma to her.

So while elder men stared a little too long and young children pointed at her in recognition, she spun in circles like a lost puppy.

"Its just a fucking bathroom, should there be someone here to direct people or something! Ugh and whats with the school girl fetish, these old guy are creeps..." she mumbled to herself continuing to get more and more lost on the platform.

Meanwhile, the rest of 1-A were making their way to internships as well, Midoriya scrolled into some old guys house, Kirishima bumped into his metal replica, and Bakugou held his grump posture and nonchilauntly entered the top 3 heros agency. He was expecting to at least learn something from this guy, or gain real life experience with villains. He never anticipated being scrutinized for his personality. No shit I'm scary, Im trying to kill shitty villains not make teenage girls put a picture of me on their wall.

For the first day of this new challenged everbody seemed to be having a ridiculously mundane time. Not y/n, though. No our main character was going through it, once she made it to the restroom, she got confused by how easily the toilet paper ripped in her hand and spent 20 minutes trying to get at least one whole time out of the stubborn roll. Then, when she opened up her bag to view the new hero-suot her mother helped design...she found strings¿

She ended up having to look at an example picture and read a guide on how to put what where. It took an additional hour considering the tightness of everpiece of fabric and when she stepped out of the stall to look in the mirror, she deadpanned. How could her mother hate her this much? It was already a burden being so sexy, but this? This was crazy.

She wasnt sure weather she should take a million photos, or never leave the bathroom and cry all day. However when her phone rang, a call from Mr.Woods agency, she realized how late she already must be.

In her rush, y/n also forgot about the creeps men and was recieving many stares, that went unnoticed. Until somebody had the audacity to touch her. It was just a ghost of his finger tips on the underneath of her ass that was no doubt on full display. That would not go accepted, as a girl who had turned her past trauma into nothing but a small personality traits, she wasnt scared. Still, as a woman who absolutely idolizes herself, or so she says, no one in this train station deserved the touch of her perfect, shiny, s/c skin.

The last error that secured her terrible first day was how y/n spun around and grabbed the mans fingertips. When she took a glance at him, he was smiling as if he had acomplished something. Boy was he wrong, only coming to realized so when the y/h girl suddenly had sprouted a vine from his finger.

He watched in fear as it began to grow and wrap around him, all the while the young girl he'd never met before let out a sickening aura that couldve suffocate him then and there. The vine continued to curl up around his middle and ring finger, slowly meeting the flash of his palm.

Once the growing stopped, y/n had almost decided to let him go. A part of her new that her plan wasn't well thought through, and he could be an innocent guy that accidentally touched her.

However, aggression outwayed logic and she looked him deep in the eye.

"You like using these fingers to touch things your not supposed to?"

"N-n-"

"Shhh, dont worry, im just gonna make sure you dont go touching things that arnt yours, okay?" She made an aggresive fist with the hand not touching him and the vine squeezed in. Anyone a foot away would be able to tell, but the both of them could hear how his two fingers snapped and bent under the pressure.

With a satisfied grin at the whispering man, y/n decided he had learned his lesson. Wow look at that, and I didnt even need some manly hero to come save me. Atta girl y/n.

Little did she know that not only did her pro-hero boss come to look for her, but je also saw the whole disaster. He was not pleased to say the least.

Y/n pov

°•○●○•°•○●○•°

As the tree like man sat down in his office chair across from me, all I could do was look to my feet. I didnt feel particularily had about my actions, however, I did feel bad about being late.

While it is fun to be spontanious and act like theres nothing to lose, I wasn't lying when I said I wanted to control the earth aspect of my quirk. Ill never admit it if someone asks, but sometimes the only way I can sleep at night is knowing how strong my quirk is. Knowing that they cant hurt me if I stay strong.

Still, it just seems that as I grow older, the people trying to get to be get bolder and more powerful. Some might even say...they get smarter, too. Thats a scary thought; that if I want to stay alive at all I need to be constantly improving. I am not sure if I want to stay alive or not, but Ill be damned if dying or living isnt my choice.

Feeling the need to break the silence, I began my rant on all the reasons I had come up with that justify my actions. I was planning it on the way out here.

"Look, im sorry mr.woods. I know im not very heroic and shit, but when perverts to pervert things somebody has to do something, and its not like anybody else there would have scared a glance if I didnt save myself-"

"Your wrong."

"Huh- I wasnt done. Anyways i-"

"L/n you are wrong."

"Dude im trying to-"

"There was heroes on patrol, how else did you think i found you? There were real heroes ready to protect you, if you had simply shouted people would have been alarmed of such. I dont understand kids and their need to do everything alone." He rolled his eyes behind his mask and continued to stare at me.

"Excuse me but I dont think your in a place to comment on how I react to myself being touched. He was gonna get my skin dirty and for what, two seconds of his school girl fantasy. Ew."

"Your skin....dirty?"

"Yes, he is nowhere near my standards on someone who should be allowed to touch me...not even a brush of the fingers..ugh!"

"Alright well, I cant get you in trouble because then I get in trouble...so, tell me about your quirk while we go on patrol."

His chair sqeaked against the floor as he stood up and it slid back. Then he motioned for me to follow by painting out the door.

Relieved that I didn't have to talk about all the fake reasons people aren't allowed to touch me, and that I could finally get outside so my quirk would stop suffocating me, I was quick to exit the building.

I'm not sure if its the fact that ive only been using a forth of her, but my quirks side effects have been so shitty recently. To the point that our school nurse estimsted my new rate for being inside for an extended period of time was about three hours.

I havent actually combusted in years, but I've been close and god does it hurt. My chest starts to squeeze and I can feel all the energy drain from my body, then pieces of me start to get hold and cold at the same time.

"So what really is your quirk?"

I looked up at the hero next to me as we continued on down the street of the inner City.

"How much did Aizawa tell you?"

"I-he said...she has all the right elements? And told me I'd figure it out.." He scratched the back of his head.

I smirked at that. Who knew aizawa actually listened to the words I said. I was pretty sure after the whole sulking chrollos dick thing, he would have permanently tuned me out.

"Heh, that raggedy ann bastard" I smile smugly.

"So, what does it mean?"

"Ahh, okay so, did you go to U.A?"

"Um yes kid, why?"

Then im certain je knows of my family, explaining my quirk will be easier. God, this really is my favorite part.

I reached my left hand out, knowing he was right handedly and would respond well to it and then spoke.

"Hi, nice to meet you, im y/n l/n of the elementus royal quirk family."

Once he shook my hand I did a polite curtsey, as I learned in ballet to do that instead of bowing. Its much more fun to do this at family event, where I get to wear big dresses and pretend im important...but this'll have to do.

"The-i-oh shit..." He mumbled the last part in defeat, likely just figuring out what he'd gotten himself in to.

"So, im guessing you've got ...."

"Total control, yup" I confirmed.

"And you wanna focus on earth elements, like what flowers?"

I smirk up at him allowing my aura to put an intimidating facade.

"Actually I was thing more like venus fly traps" as I said traps I let my hands clap together mimicking the plant and bit at the air with my teeth.

He stopped walking and just glanced from side to side, waiting for me to start making sense again.

Until we heard some crying in the distance.

The two of our heads shot over and were met with a strange sight. There were three young boys, looked about 8¿ and a man, hero maybe? Crouched in front of them not looking all that nice. He had spike blonde hair, red eyes, gauntlets on his wris-

"Oh my god its bakugou, look sir! Thats the hot guy I switched schools for!"

"Wha-"

"BAKUGOUUUU!! HEYYY!"

his head slowly shifted from the kids to me and it seemed to only make him more angry. Then, once again I couldn't help but bask in the pure aggression...in his eyes.

They were red, fitting for the anger thry held, but it was beautiful. It was passionate, the way he could yell for hours about god knows what because he cares. He may care about petty things, or silly things, but he always cares so much. So passionately. That I can see it in his eyes.

"Oh my, whAt is this costume deary?"best jeanist spoke from ahead of us as we approach.

"Hi sir, sorry about the skin showing, my quirk is heavily enhanced the more my pours are exposed to the natural elements, especially oxygen. If I was more covered parts of my body would begin to go completely numb. Also doesnt my body look amazing! Im a lot more in shape since you saved me last"

I blamed happily at jeanist. Though we arent neceserilly close, he is definitely a great hero and has always been someone who easily sees through my façaude. Plus his fashion sense is wonderful and I often send him pictures of my outfits. Although he doesnt respond I know he sees them and if they were bad he would be mean about it instead of ignoring it.

"Well. It definitely gives your body..access to that. And the sword?"

Ahh...the sword that I liked to carry. It was now stored in its place on my back.

"Call it a good luck charm, plus, we cant rely only on our quirks, then we are just weak people with strong powers. Rather than strong people."

I was always one to put on a show for him, as I do for lost of pro heroes. Its a lot more fun to say things like your all serious and fancy and smart sometimes. Its my little inside joke with myself, like to laugh at how easily people are awed by it.

Like how even though children were still crying bakgou was staring at me face void of emotion, completely struck at my words.

Definitely not..staring at my body that was exposed. Not eyeing the tight strap that wraps my left leg, that he doesnt know is a funcional lasso.

Noticing him, im quick to avert my attention.

"Hey bakugou~"

"Tch you really went from shitty princess to slutty princess huh?"

"You really went from telling deku you'd be number one hero, to making kids cry on the street, huh?" I challenged

I heard the crying boys laugh a little, just the age reminded me of my brother, Im sure they have nothing in common, but I havent seen any of my brothers in quite some time so I suppose a small part of me was just projecting.

I hated that they were crying, though. Ussually I dont like kids, they are stinky and gross and the main reason people have been ruining my life up til now. However, noticing these three reacting to bakugou in a way I wish emotionally available enough for, it made me feel obligated to help them. Wierd, huh.

"Hey, did that guy use his fire all scary?"

"Yeah, he was gonna kill us"

"Fires scary."

I giggled a bit, I knew fire like the back of my hand. It was the first thing I mastered as a child and the way I see bakugou use it doesnt to the element justice.

"Hm, well, I dont think so...can I show you something?"

The kid in the middle, apparently the braver of them, lifted his gaze from the concrete to meet my eyes. Just as I crouched down to my knees in front of them he nodded up at me.

I smiled at this, proud that I earned his trust for...some odd reason.

My hands formed a cup shape in front of him and I focused my ears so I could hear the blood rushing through my own brain, like waves. This was how I learned to use elements singularly: by using my internally noise to block out everything else.

I first allowed a small line of fire to dance around, now bigger than a candle wick. Then through another, and another as the boy watched carefully. Not yet impressed his face was still caustious. However I continued focusing my energy, feeling my body, the air around me, the heat of the sun, even remember the passion from bakugous crimson eyes.

I as I did so the many small flames twirled and twisted within eachother forming into a beautiful blue and orange fluctuating flower.

The boy looked into my hands mouth now agape, tears dried, fear gone. Then, again, for some reasons unbeknownst to me... I felt a sense of pride.

He tapped his friends so they would look up and I continued making my fire into different things, birds, planes, people. The kids were entranced.

I looked back to see the two pros staring at me with a certain level of pride mixer with shock. While bakugou seemed at a loss for words. God knows why this time?

"I don't think fire is all that bad you know..."

"Pft, yeah, I know kid," with that I threw my little flames above their heads and let the sparks fall down of them like shiny glitter. Then, overwhelmed with this horrible feeling in my chest. I retreatdd to my boss for the weak. Was that..happiness? Ew.

#bakugou x reader #bakugou x you #mha bakugou #bakugou katsuki #bakusquad #bnha bakugo katsuki #mha deku #mha fanfiction #mha todoroki #mha fluff

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misterbitches · 4 years ago

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@flootweed

ATOTS

That's super fucking romantic? Like tragic but in a nice way. i love that shit. i'm a monogamous slut for romance pghiosuag even tho we have to learn to live alone too but it's just like the NOTION is nice?!??! awwww i told my mom that SOPHIE's gf was like "she died taking a picture of the moon" and how it was like idk. the gf was just processing it and she thought it was romantic and my mom was like "wow.....depressing" bc think she thought it was stupid millenial shit i was like no mother doent u see she died in the BEAUTY LMAO but then i told her jessica walter's husband died the year before and then she died and she was like "aw...kind of romantic" LMAOOOO i guess two people have to die. why did i tell this story? i am so sorry. the show ended today right (ep 10?) i didn't realize it was that short. so i hope it was a happy ending? (tell me) i understand why you love the atmos! it's like, not really been done. there's this BL that i hear isn't too great but it does take place in a rural part of thailand and there's way less budget. a lot of ppl seem to like it. ep 6 LW / LW in gen gotta be honest, rushed through it. i knew spoilers from jump cause BL spoilers are just absolutely nothing and sometimes ur just like i need to know. i do not understand the ~silently lookin 4 u~ trope it always backfires and is also DUMB. so happy about tiffy. a girl who likes girls but ends up with a man bc of mommy and also the man is ok....it's me. she's gorgeous and actually [h*lf] gay so it's great. god ok i feel so old again. lmaooo but i was like obsessed with lady gaga for that reason (dont ask...also how i got kinda popular on tumblr way back in the day) and shes just absolutely fucking beautiful and bad ass. (which kind of doesnt helpcos they r all skinnty but that's FINEEEE) right? i mean like i guess cos we knew abt it? i can see why he was so pissed off, too? i mean i'm so fucking like...sensitive to being told what to do so i was angry for him from jump. i guess i was also looking at it different wholetime cos i knew the spoilers? i'm assuming u did too lmao. so we knew hed be pissed and leave. and frankly that's what sib gets. just for you my friend i will watch it and update. i think MANY times in shows in gen but it is something you notice a lot in BL bc they are just absolute novices most times. in this case, gene's actor mostly well (and i like him as a person just cos he was on that thai 3 girls in a car show and used to date on eof them lmao) can act so i will look over that scene to see how sib's actor plays off him. but the pausing in between sentences or for so long even decent actors or actors doing better. kao is not bad, not great so they will talk slowly because dramatic acting but the problem is most times it's too long. even if the person is an adept actor it won't always work and YES THEN THAT MEANS THE EDITOR COMES IN AND SNIP SNIP SNIP! it's too long. and sometimes it just does not work even if you can act. but it is GLARING when they cant or are average (someoe said this about tharntype and my god lmao tharn..is...so...slow...in...talking...the actor idk his name it's one of em, the other one with the nose (type) is....different not better but he certainly does not talk as slow. they arent bad but they are not good so.) also sometimes they are forgetting their lines. some ppl find this charming. clearly we do not lmao. what is their relation? what is going on there? i don't have a problem with stepbrothers as long as they didn't grow up with that sibling bond. many times blended families really have to watch out for that kind of fraternizing but it's always when theyre older and teenagers bc they didnt grow up w/ each other....i mean they have chemistry so i'm whatever. but. hennYYWAYYYS.actually it's bc im an idiot i didn't read it as Mhok (singular) and aey's father. Yes and his sister who i think i may hate? im like bitch okkkkkk but. his name is lhong. and he is a psycho. i mean so is type. so. oooh it could be that he stole! but also i'm pretty sure cos hes gay lol or did they

not make that explicit? the thing is i had to skip through most of that scene too because the drama was WAY too much for me. too much. lmao. the sister thing i got and it made sense and iliked that. oh yea he is gay and they know. that's a big one.

WBL

haven’t watched color rush! did you like it? i have seen wyel, parts of mr heart, and ofc to my star :)

ohhhhhh ok. i get you. yea he definitely wasn’t being ooc cos i think that....what u said. and also like....ugh i cant even think rn. i like sam lin a lot so i like gao shi de but i gotta say. lmao. hm. first of all. yes it is creepy what he did. it’s fucking weird. and sad that his whole life revolves around him. it’s not as fucking weird as LW but still like when he did the door thing. i was like UMMMMMMMMM cos i really didnt want it to be constructed. and when it was i was like imma suspend my disbelief. but if anyone dared...

and so what he did in s2 i think he just couldnt realize that he was loved back which is why it’s good he WAS ALONE for 5 yrs imo. but he gave shu yi 0 choice and for that i am pretty sure i would be even angrier. i do think though that the father’s role is pretty important but i can see how the show is like....letting that go? bc as fucking weird as GSD is, he was still like...20? i guess and shu yi’s dad is like. crazy? i am also like he really had to fucking start a company to get noticed like are u joking? is it also that easy? and also why? lmao i just. ugh. i think that probs bothered me the most...priorities.

i like the show! well idk if i love it but sure. i think it’s decent lmao. i understand what you’re saying. for here it bothers me less but i certainly don’t think it was OOC. immature and stupid but like...that’s.....what they are. i also don’t have a problm with the timing from a technical point.

however, when i started the show? i had NO clue what concept of time it was. and that was very annoying. tehy redeemed it bc of the comedy aspects (the first time shu yi sees shi de is so fucking good, i really loved the shot and editing; it’s hilarious and silly) and i started to go with the flow of the show through that. but the fucking concept of time in the show in general esp with repetitive outfits (i understand that they are more likely to wear multiple outfits as well, it’s just that you have to split it up or it i sconfusing visually and looks like the same scene twice or just a full day of shooting which it could be but then something should change in the clothes. this is just an ex~~*~*) and partof that is they have this already controlled narrative i guess.

i have to admit as well...i skipped episode 1. and most of 2. i was like i rly dont want to see someone slap a pereson even if they were like. not together. it’s just not cute also not in front of ppl. and then when they were yelling and bla bla i was like listen ladies lets calm down. too much angst in a boring way. what they have now is good. also they should probably like estrange the father but i doubt they will.

i cannot make up my mind totally now bc i see what ur saying i guess i just don’t feel that way as much but i guess i have to think about it more, too. i do think he was contorlling in getting him or like when he didnt want shu yi to find out whwatshisface liked him. i guess for me it would be if he is still that way in the rship. but even tho he’s at fault for what happened, i’m also like but his dad? but also like...did he try? why did he just stop contacting? but then i guess he emailed everyday? DO U C MY QUANDARY.

alsoi have to say i do not care abt their backdoor being opened lmao like wow business? no thanks

LMAO. did they cry a lot in UWMA? i only know the teamwin parts. which one is fluke the really pale one who died? idk what it is about that kid but i just cant watch him. it’s not his fault it’s mine.

DUDE i still dont understand the husband and wife thing and ive looked into it multiple times. ive kinda just classified it as one of those things that make me uncomfortable but arent problematic lol. it you have any insight about it id love to hear it tho !!

it’s stupid. that’s what it is (husband and wife.) it’s just something they say like many gay couples may use pejoratives in conjunction with them, the f word etc. or even imply something about being a top and a bottom. whatever. but these arent gay spaces or gay storylines. sure gay men may direct them but since BL operates and relies on patriarchy without a doubt and also stereotypes poorly kathoeys or won’t cast trans women in anything substantial and use them as jokes (and see this is one of those things where it’s like...ud never see this in the US tho like our concept of third gender or kathoeys but life stillBOOOOO.) so it’s just useless when they put it into the scripts because it’s for people to consume and lots of girls are. obviously. so the idea that if you are being penetrated and u r the wife and this is used like literally anywhere but not from gay or whatever men is gross. are cis women’s vaginas sieves to them? are trans women not women? do we have to categorize people by PHALLIC OBJECTS IN OUR BODIES SPECIFICALLY A WOMAN? it dont make no sense. plus really most ppl just experiment, there’s more ways than one to have sex, we have lives so most times it’s not just full penetration for hours anyway. it’s just so gross. like oh that’s really funny lol ur the wife cos his dick goes in ur butt XD i get it, same. i say “i’m wife’ whenever there’s a penis in me. fucking kill me. it’s not a big deal but it’s just dumb and gross. if they use it they could try and subvert it too like i like how my engineer has a whole absurdly stupid episode about it. but in TT the dad says “if ur the wife i wont accept it” and i was like u know what gals? im good. goodbye.

pgojaihousgajigko THAT’S SOOOOOOO OOWIEOFUGHOIJ WEIRD. FANDOM IS REALLY WEIRD. i have read rpf and written it once upon a time but dont do it anymore uch. i mean it’s weird. no doubt about that. invasive, weird, strange. but very unreal anyway. it is. plus i dont like celebs or fame and think of it as a gross capitalist scheme so i had to stop (also so weird?) but i know very many people like lean in. lean in. LEAN IN. this youtuber i watch did a video on like insanely popular ships (like that 1d one) and their insane fandoms and i just couldnt. it’s so embarrassing? and then they’re so bold????? about it?

yea it would be cool (more queer men or visibly we should say or like out whatever.) but it doesnt necessarily mean that will be good or beneficial i guess? i mean like. i dont know. so much about the genre is about wish fulfilment for young girls. its literally selling some fantasies because the other thing is for BL (i read a paper on this...) esp for girls in more conservative societies they cna maybe replace themselves in the character? but they may not feel a threat as a woman or like their life will fall apart if they engage in sexual things with anyone really. and that’s where i’m like....for a lot of these are they just writing a story and just replacing two men? bc they also seem to think it owrks like that. and in a way that’s what it is bc of the writing and how they use certain terms. you can tell the piece is about pushing a product and less about the real affects of a story. i think ITSAY is a great example of a really intelligent great piece of work that contains multitudes. and the girl was amazing. it just depends on the goal. and for most of the ppl the goal isnt...to do anything. so i dont know. idk how to talk abt representation anymore. it both is and isnt.

i really liked tingting from my engineer a lot (idk if u have seen) she’s so fun and unapologetic. i love how much she drinks and if someone tells her to be ladylike she says no. and i appreciate that in the show when girls were rude to her she said nothing about the girls but said “NO IM NOT LUCKY TO HAVE ALL MALE FRIENDS?” i really want to see her more in the next season. obviously tiffy is goat. super excited to see how their rship develops.

#we best love #lovely writer #we best love fighting mr 2nd

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mistyeyedpea · 4 years ago

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I've been feeling so stuck lately.

I ran a fever today, which honestly isn't unusual for me since I get low grade fevers from time to time. My body likes to freak out on me. Because I dont have a ln actual diagnosis for what I go through I feel like it drives me a bit nuts. I tell doctors what I can remember, but honestly I've lived.my whole life thinking most of the things I felt and experienced were normal and doctors are so uninterested, unmotivated and unwilling it makes the mundane task seem so painful. Its even more painful when you tell them for years you have these symptoms and they only write down what they think is necessary enough to explore. The rest is dismissed as being anxious, paranoid, dramatic... its ironic isn't it? How you go to get help and these very people continue to perpetuate the pain and suffering you go through. I wouldn't go down such spirals if I had answers.

The craziest part is when you have been doing research all your life, and having lived experience with chronic physical and mental conditions... but because I appear fine on the outside, to someone who doesn't know a this about me.... to deny me is absurd. I wouldn't designate a label that isn't meant for me, but this ableism in the medic field... it needs to stop. The stigmas need to stop. Doctors need to understand that its okay to not have all the answers. Whats not okay is harming them further by gaslighting, invalidating peoples lived experiences. Where is the compassion?

We as patients, as people, can be highly aware of our issues where as some arent. I happen to be someone who's highly self aware. I observe everything from sensations to what and how I feel... I monitor my own person. I once saw a post that said "having anxiety is being hyperspace of your own existence" and they really hit the nail on the head there. I feel my anxiety stems from be being highly sensitive to what I feel and my surroundings.. I feel anxiety is just a symptom of other conditions...

It drives me crazy that I am only realizing how many signs were missed. How did people not notice? I had to learn to adapt all my life on my own... immersed in it day by day I learned to survive. It hurts me almost everyday. Im learning to let go of this feeling. This feeling that I was a victim of the system that couldn't understand me, rejected me. It made it harder to understand myself throughout the years. But now I understand..

I know that as the years go by and im alive i learn more, and I know that doctors do too.

Despite all I have been through, and still continue to go though, I push through this painful existence hoping one day, ill actually be seen. And that ill be in the hands of a doctor who won't judge me when I tell them my concerns... cause I have many.

I literally stayed up all night the other night cause I couldn't sleep.. trying to remember to document articles of research I find trying to keep them saved on favorites. I often forget how to find the favorites page so I started a notes with the links.

I started doing this in the event a doctor tries to get smart with me... I truly don't have the patience or bandwidth for it anymore. They dont do it in a nice way. They do it in a condescending way. At least the people ive dealt with..

I am a person who was born female so naturally... this is fucking oppressive as is.

I tried talking to my mom about me being Autistic and having adhd, and how im finally accepting it because for years I had "episodes" which i now know, were fucking meltdowns.

I could go on about it, but I dont want to get off topic.

My mother asked me "wow so you finally got diagnosed?"

The last time I went to an Evaluation the man I met with was a total douche who told me I was a hypochondriac had conversion disorder and my anxiety was what was causing everything... He also went off my previous diagnosis and asked me very broad questions about their symptoms to which I replied yes or no... I met with this man for less than 20 minutes and he literally went off my old diagnosis.

He knew nothing about me other than what we talked about and my previous medical records. He made stigmatizing statements when I told him about my body pains and how its possible fibromyalgia, he said he doesnt diagnose women til their thirties.

When I mentioned that I suspect im autistic he basically laughed in my face and told me im not autistic and if I want to see "the autism room" so I can "see" what "autism looks like"

I didn't contact these people back for a long time after that because it took so long to process.... medical gaslighting is real. And gaslighting in itself is insidious as it makes our imposter syndrome so much worse. We question our own existence and realities which attributes to even more mental and physical anguish... psychologically so damaging and these people have no idea.

I think I may have a case with them.. but anyways...

I learned to live in this mind. In this body. In this life to the best of my knowledge and abilities. I have to remind myself its not my fault im chronically overwhelmed or feeling behind. Im coming to terms to the fact that I am disabled. I hate to limit myself, but I have to acknowledge this in order to accept myself and release the internalized abelism.

I have to accept that I never was and never will be like other people and that's okay.

I also need reminder that being diagnosed doesn't make you (autistic). Being (autistic) makes you (autistic).

I put autistic in parentheses because you can literally change it out and tweak it to fit almost any medical condition and it holds true.

Anyways im signing off. I think I've done enough ranting for the night.

Perhaps I'll rant again and plunge deeper. I try to not give to many details but as a neurodivergent person I can't help but go on tangents at times. I'll forget what I thought if I dont write them down, so letting my brain puke words is the best mental exercise I can give myself.

If I do end up seeing a therapist, it makes it alot easier to sort myself.

I have also been trying to orient my mind with art. I try to think of the art I can make .. but when the time comes, im blank. All these ideas for my mind to run into a wall...

Sometimes I wish I had a therapist as a friend.. or a psychiatrist.

It would be good to have someone invested in you the way a friend would ... signing off

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elementoffabulousrarity · 8 years ago

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5 years coming to an end.

That’s right, i’m finally deciding to archive this blog and quit RPing for good. This community has been nothing short of wonderful to me, and i’ve met some of my best friends through here. I don’t regret a day I spent on this blog and interacting with all of you lovely people.

Simply, as of late, this blog has caused me a lot more mental strain and just horrible stress and drama than I needed in my life, so it’s jut best for me and my mental illnesses if I just cut it off completely.

confessions, really long and special thank yous, plus a longer and more specific explanation of why i’m leaving the rp community will be under the cut.

I never would have thought from the day I made this blog that it would end up being the most followed and most well-known Rarity RP blog in the fandom.

My main problem ive always had with rping is jealousy. Any Rarity rp blog that would pop up would make me feel awful. And I was an awful rp partner because of it. I would not log on for days in hopes mutuals would notice I was gone and give me the attention I wanted. I always wanted to feel like the most important partner to everyone, which is another awful thing about me, and im so sorry to all of my partners that were negatively affected by that.

The first people I want to mention are Jake and Vi.

Jake - was my first ever rp partner, and one night, he decided to lose contact with me, delete his blog and make a new one to avoid me. This was the first of many nails in my rp coffin. I just can’t describe the feeling of being abandoned by one of the people who helped make you and develop your interests to the point where they are today. After that, I had my first major hiatus (A year I think?). He followed me again on a new blog once, and I just had a fit because he hadn’t talked to me in half a year or so, and just follows me and unblocked me randomly one day without saying a word, and then i was just stupidly passive aggressive and he went away again, rightfully so.

Vi - I always thought of you as such a wonderfully nice person who just had something out for me. Idk if it was because I made Jake feel bad so often or if i’m just annoying/childish, but it just felt like we weren't as good of friends as you were with your other mutuals, and I feel like you didn’t really want to be frieds with me or interact with me. I just got really scared to talk to you eventually after the whole Jake thing, and I know you probably just think super super low of me now, and I just wish things happened differently

That’s about it for ~current~ drama. Up next is the three people who just have meant the world to me since I started RPing here. Griff, Lauren, and Ace.

Griff - Hoooooooo boy. I could always count on you for some amazing threads. Really, some of the best threads i’ve ever had were with you. The way you portrayed AJ is just so unique, and just hits a part of her that I haven’t seen anybody else be able to portray quite like you do. Next, you became my best friend. We had so many amazing talks, I knew I could always come to you to vent when I needed to. You’ve been here with me through everything, and after you deleted your first aj blog, i was pretty devastated. On the flip side, I was absolutely ecstatic when you came back just out of the blue 2 years later. You’ll always have a special place with me, and you know exactly where to contact me if you ever want to talk.

Lauren - My first ever sighting of you was when I had my pinkie blog. You were doing so well and were so popular, that I deleted my blog to look for another muse. Then on my scootaloo blog, we created an AU where pinkie adopted scoots, and i think that was the most adorable experience ive ever had rping. When I made my Rarity blog, you were in the first 20 to follow me. I was so excited!!! the most popular mlp rp blog followed ME back immediately??? and wow you are the sweetest and most pure ball of adorable and precious i have ever talked to. There arent enough words in the dictionary to describe how much ily. MY FIRST EVER DRAMA. you were there. it was with the same person who caused drama with you and would edit asks to say that we told the person to kill themselves when we didnt, and wow we worked through that together and i can’t thank you enough. We were amazing partners and friends until you moved fandoms, but every time you came back to say hi on your mlp blogs always made me smile. I wouldn’t have made it 1 year if it wasnt for you. Thank you, with all of my heart.

Ace - I feel like we’ve known eachother for YEARS AND YEARS, but never had an actual muse-muse interaction. You are so incredibly sweet and work so hard for what you’re given in life, and nobody deserves happiness and a complete life more than you do. You have the crazy talent of running 50 unique blogs with unique characters, all with unique HCs or AUs, and i just have no idea how you do it. your writing abilities and memory and just pure dedication is like nothing ive ever seen before. Not to mention you just brought this entire community together though the PonyNet, which has become a huge part of why thi is the absolute best and friendliest community to be a part of. You are the absolute face of this community. There is nobody i’ve met who doesn’t know you, or has a bad opinion of you. You are making this community a better and more friendly place for people to make friends and develop their skills while also have a ton of fun, and i admire you more than you’ll know for that.

I am leaving the community due to my declining mental health, my increasingly bad reputation, and just the stress of maintaining a high quality rp blog.

I have lots of bad memories ft. jake and vi that just send my muse out of whack and just trigger a lot of sadness and lack of motivation some nights, which then causes me to fall behind on threads which stresses me out a ton, and then i get asks and messages from people i don’t want to rp with, and then i get lots of hate for declining rps and guilt trips for declining rps too, and i just really can’t be dealing with all of that when ive had multiple really bad suicidal episodes that i’ve had to call emergency therapists and spit out pills from my mouth in the past year. I need to get rid of some weight, and this blog seemed like a good place to start.

Please like this if you read it, and thank you all so much for the years ad the memories. I love you all.

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attina-the-responsible · 8 years ago

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How to Deal with the Aftermath According to Mermaids ~*~ [Mersisters]

In which the sisters check in...

@andrina-the-amazingsupergenius, @aquata-the-bold, @alana-the-badbitch, @ariel-the-rebellious

[tw -- mentions of murder and horrible stuff like that, ptsd, some gore, etc etc]

Andrina so how long until i can make hell puns

Aquata go for it, just start them now Aquata for real though, is everyone good?

Alana just dandy

Attina mhm mhm

Alana the real question is how is andrina Alana how was married life

Andrina god thank u i was waiting for someone to ask Andrina its not like i was MARRIED TO AL MCWIGGIN OR ANYTHING Andrina imagine being married to a WOW avatar Andrina thats what it was like

Attina don't they normally have nice bodies?

Alana Hey dad bods are in

Andrina im not even talking about the body im talking about how they talk and think and act and hammer at swords Andrina i swear it was like i was transported into an episode of Game of Thrones

Attina sounds harrowing

Ariel Do we have to talk about it?

Alana I want all the nitty gritty mcwiggin sex details

Andrina well we could shove it down for years until we all start manifesting split personalities and other mental disorders

Attina honestly,

Andrina u know like we did with mom lmao

Attina we don't have disorders. or split personalities.

Ariel Please don't talk about Mom.

Aquata sure we don't

Alana we r all dandy Alana that's my word of the week

Andrina i didnt talk about mom i mentioned her off hand as an example Andrina im all set to talk about how great i looked in that toga Andrina or honestly alana did you tap that

Attina andrina.

Andrina WHAT its an honest question Andrina if im gonna talk about mcwiggin i want Hot Daddy Ginger details

Alana duh

Attina alana! how /old/ is that man?

Alana idk it didnt come up Alana your age lol? Alana he was my husband, atty we were in love~~

Andrina mcwiggin's older than me i think

Attina were you in love? like--other you?

Alana other me was sold off because it was a good match Alana and she enjoyed the lavish lifestyle and the hot dude idk man

Andrina you know what i should have asked

Alana real me was like oh man what if im stuck here might as well have fun Alana carpet matches the drapes yes

Andrina how much they paid for me Andrina really?? im insatiably curious

Ariel They didn't really pay for us. I mean, not real them

Alana al was p rich you mustve been a catch

Andrina yeah i wanna know how many goats/bags of wheat/coins i went for Andrina do you think al knows Andrina do u think if i text him it would be weird Andrina "hi how much did u pay for me"

Alana no do it Alana i bet you were at least two goats

Attina it wasn't even our husbands who paid, it was their owners Attina GOD owners.

Andrina wow two whole goats, how many meals can u get outta goats Andrina omg guys my master was quite fit actually he was A Big Deal

Alana ider who mine were--uh Alana lmaoo #awkward

Ariel He didn't own you. It wasn't real. Dash wouldn't want to own anybody, and his family wouldn't either Ariel It was all like a bad dream I just Ariel want to forget it

Attina [unsent] well maybe if you hadn't RAN AWAY you would've been FINE

Alana did howl throw a party too big Alana i heard it was a rager Alana wouldve gone if Ginger Daddy and i didnt have other evening plans

Andrina ariel couldn't you have just had some of that water then? Andrina seriously i have some if you want it

Ariel I don't... I don't know. I want to forget but... I don't want to forget all of it. I have some water too, just in case, but... I really don't know. I don't want to be like you said. I don't want to repress it again.

Alana what are u repressing was this that bad Alana i mean the escort thing was hella annoying

Ariel I don't want to talk about it.

Andrina ariel, i get that, i do but-- you realize that is repressing it too right?

Aquata then why keep bringing it up

Alana ^^

Ariel I don't know. I don't know what to do. I don't want to talk about it and I want to forget it but I don't want to forget everything because that's not going to help either I just didn't realize thinking about Mom would hurt this much Ariel I'm sorry

Andrina well i think we should all talk about it then. rip it off like a bandaid

Ariel I didn't know I would see her down there Ariel I didn't know I would see

Alana you didnt know you would see our dead mum in the land of the dead

Aquata ....

Ariel I didn't think I would watch her die.

Alana [unsent] lmao same tho but not mum ok woops nope Alana it was one of the Alana idk underworld things

Ariel Over and over again and I couldn't stop it.

Alana they play tricks on you so ive heard in the gossip train

Andrina oh right like it wasnt real it wasnt how she actually died

Ariel But what if it was? Ariel It was so awful Ariel It's all I can see, just replaying and replaying over and over

Aquata then drink the water

Alana yeah jeez Alana no point in being noble if you cant lift your own head up

Ariel But then I'll forget the good things, too.

Andrina how about you tell us all the good things?

Alana such as,,

Ariel The good things that happened and all the good stuff I remembered.

Andrina you write them down for yourself

Alana very detailed

Andrina then you'll still have them. you can remind yourself and we can tell you that its real

Ariel But can you tell me how it felt? All those memories with Jim being so nice to me and helping me and playing with me when we were younger and telling me that he would keep me safe? Ariel Can you tell me about how Jim was there for me every step of the way? Ariel How can you explain how good of a person he was to me if you can't tell me about seeing Mom's death?

Aquata holy shit it was a fake life you know him in real life, right? you know what hes like already

Alana look kiddo, that's the stuff you gotta let go of because that was some fake mumbo jumbo past that we all got stuck with

Andrina That's why you write it all down and you tell yourself. Andrina and honestly yeah-- that isnt the real jim and you should like jim for jim, not for fake jim.

Ariel But it was real Jim that was there with me in hell

Aquata i was engaged but whatever

Ariel I mean - it was Pleiades too, but it was also Jim

Aquata HOLY SHIT NO IT WASNT Aquata IT Aquata WAS Aquata FAKE

Alana yah thank god or andrina and al would be banging

Aquata that crazy bitch created it. it wasnt real. end of story.

Andrina the horror, the horror,

Ariel Jim being with me in hell wasn't FAKE, it was REAL. I was there. I saw it and felt it all, and so did he. The past lives may have been fake but what we went through was REAL

Andrina Seriously-- I think you should write down the stuff that you like then. I do. Jim will understand that the other stuff is just too painful to death with right now. He'd want you to be okay, Ariel, however you need to be okay.

Alana ariel i have no bloody idea what you want us to tell you that andrina has not repeated ten times now

Aquata then do what andy said, write down the good memories, and drink the damn water because you cant complain about the bad and then immediately not want to forget the good

Alana atty where r u we need parental guidance

Andrina ok chill out aquata she can complain if she wants Andrina we dont need atty to be decent fucking sisters

Alana she listens to atty

Ariel It's okay, nevermind. I shouldn't have said anything. Just forget it

Alana so i think itll mean more coming from her Alana fineee just trying to help

Andrina Ariel, it's not okay. Look, if you don't want to forget about it, then thats' fine. If you want to like, talk about it and stuff, we should talk about it. I joke but yeah it wasnt exactly fun not knowing where my sisters were and watching daily executions by some whacked out nutjob

Andrina so you can talk to me ok

Ariel I just want to know how you guys have done this for so long

Alana done what

Attina Look, everyone. Nothing about this experience was something anyone has gone through before. Which means we have no idea how to deal with it and YELLING at each other isn't the way to fix it. We need to be patient and understanding towards one another. Ariel, I'm so sorry about what you went through. But, you have to realize that you hurt us by LEAVING. You didn't tell anyone where you were. I thought you were dead. Daddy thought you were dead. I thought I'd lost you and I don't know exactly what went on for you but for a good twelve hours, all /I/ could see was /you/ dying over and over in a thousand different ways. We need to come /together/, and be open and willing to talk to each other during times like this. Otherwise we'll just splinter apart, and I know none of you want that.

Alana oh there u r

Ariel I thought I was doing the right thing. Not telling anyone I was going. I didn't want anyone to worry. I just wanted to go and save everyone, but I couldn't

Attina No. You couldn't. Because we're supposed to make these decisions /together/ as a family. We're weak apart.

Aquata we're not weak

Ariel I don't believe that

Alana whoa okay speak for yourself Alana that was for atty not u ariel

Andrina look im just so glad that you're okay and im proud of you for trying ariel. we shouldn't be talking about any of this over text though

Attina and this is exactly why all of you get into trouble!

Ariel I don't know how else to talk about it Ariel No one ever does

Andrina well that means we can't do it wrong huh? we'll all just kinda fumble it up together but at least we'll be in the same room

Ariel If I get into trouble for trying to save you all, then I'm fine with that!

Alana better get into trouble than be boring

Attina I'd rather be boring and alive than whatever you think you're being and /dead/.

Alana im not sure who youre yelling at here because im not the one who ran off into the land of the dead Alana theres a difference between oh lana broke curfew and oh ariel and kid hero jim hawkins decide to save the world

Andrina can we like not yell at each other at all how about that Andrina whats done is done

Ariel If Attina would stop pretending she knows everything, maybe there wouldn't be any yelling

Aquata holy shit

Alana i think you scared her off ariel

Andrina i hereby move to wipe this text history and start over Andrina who seconds my motion

Ariel I didn't want to scare her off, she just was talking like I didn't know what I was doing

Attina I don't think I know everything, but I know not to run off to HELL to try to save the world on some selfish delusion of grandeur.

Ariel I knew what I was doing

Alana ohp too late andy

Attina oh really, is that why you're so terrified you can barely speak?

Ariel I wasn't being SELFISH, I was trying to SAVE everyone. To save YOU. And Aquata and Alana and Andrina and Arista and Adella and Daddy and myself Ariel EVERYONE

Attina BULLSHIT ariel, we were perfectly fine.

Ariel You were SLAVES Ariel we were SLAVES Ariel people were in a JAIL in PRISON Ariel people were EXECUTED Ariel How could you even say that?

Attina THOSE PEOPLE WEREN'T /US/ THEY DON'T MATTER

Alana this isnt some YA book a 17 year old does not save the day Alana i mean realistically

Ariel Of course they matter!

Alana if you wanna do something you gotta work within your means

Ariel Why are our lives more valuable than anyone else's??

Alana cold, atty

Ariel I can't believe you would even say that!!! Ariel What if Paul had been in prison?? His life doesn't matter???

Attina not as much as yours, or any of you.

Ariel That's not right

Attina and i'm sure he'd say the same thing. his babies are more important than me to him. which is how it should be.

Andrina glad we're casually debating morals and ethics

Alana anyone want a face mask

Ariel I'm not going to apologize for doing what I thought was the right thing, for trying to help everyone

Aquata how about a shot instead

Alana im game

Attina I'll take that shot.

Andrina this reminds me of something my darling mcwiggin said to me

Attina Or two or three. Attina just give me the whole bottle.

Aquata or the whole bottle

Alana jinx now you guys cant talk till i say your name

Aquata too bad

Alana what did mcwiggin say

Andrina nice, digital high five

Alana wow now you get 7 years of bad luck aqua :C

Andrina he said, andrina, you are the most beautiful creature i've ever seen Andrina (we'd just finished making love under the sunset) Andrina and i was like u know what al tiberius mcwiggen

Aquata shit im doomed forever

Alana that's poetic

Andrina you're right.

Attina now i need two bottles

Alana next movie night's gonna be awkward when we pick up the dvd

Aquata you need to go hit him up andy Aquata were sending you to get it

Andrina alas, it cannot be Andrina he has another lover

Ariel Maybe if she gets drunk she'll actually step off her high horse and say something that doesn't involve her knowing what's best and always being right

Aquata for fucks sake

Alana i h8 to break it to you ariel but atty has like nine years more experience of like existing in the world Alana and interacting with it

Ariel That doesn't make her right about everything

Attina Whatever, Ariel. You're the one who needs to come off your high horse. Don't come crying to me when someone knocks you off it.

Alana makes her more right when it comes to dealing with shit

Ariel I won't. You'd just yell at me, anyways. It's all you know how to do.

Alana thats not true she cleans very well

Andrina she also makes killer lemon squares

Attina Well if you weren't a brat, then I wouldn't yell at you.

Andrina probably not as delicious as the delicacies that al tiberius mcwiggin purchased for me from the market but close

Alana you gotta hit him up

Ariel I'm not being a BRAT, don't CALL me that

Andrina he has another LOVER what am i to do

Alana flash your tits Alana age old triton advice

Aquata does he /really/ though

Andrina he doesnt like me for my tits 😟 Andrina he likes me for my personality 😟

Alana gasp Alana the horror

Andrina i know tbh maybe he's gay Andrina no he's not he made wild and passionate love to me

Alana did u guys like Alana do it as yourselves

Attina Well, stop acting like one. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Andrina 69

Alana like not fake selves

Andrina corkscrew Andrina monkey Andrina koala

Alana koala

Andrina all that and more

Alana nice use of the shrug emoji, atty Alana 10/10

Ariel I am NOT acting like one! You can't keep treating me like I don't know anything and like you know everything because you DON'T. Just because you're older that doesn't make you all wise or something. In fact, most of the time you don't know what to do - you can't even flirt with a boy and you're way older than I am! Ariel So STOP being such a rude, bossy know-it-all, I'm sick of it!

Aquata ummm im pretty sure she /can/ flirt with a boy considering shes been on a couple dates with paul?

Alana ouch ariel low blow

Aquata thats neither here nor there though

Andrina oh right we also did the flying ninja Andrina his form was impeccable Andrina for such a robust man, he's graceful in the bedroom

Attina Fine, if you want me to stop babying you. FINE. Consider it done. You're officially NOT MY CONCERN.

Alana i did not need that imagery thanks

Ariel GOOD. I don't NEED to be your concern. I SHOULDN'T be.

Alana is THIS random CAPS thing something WE'RE doing NOW

Andrina hOW exCitING

Aquata can we not

Ariel You moved out. I already have to deal with Daddy. I shouldn't have to deal with you BOSSING me around and saying you know best like this. You're not Mom

Alana low blow ariel

Aquata so about that shot Aquata or bottle

Alana i can swing by ur room in 5, aqua Alana i have malibu

Aquata get here in 2 then Aquata because i need the entire bottle rn

Alana so demanding Alana omw

#bdrpandrina #bdrpadella #bdrparista #bdrpaquata #bdrpalana #coral #attilla #attista #aquafina #atlanta #coral texts #attilla texts #attista texts #aquafina texts #atlanta texts #texts #how to deal with the aftermath according to mermaids #ariel archive

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v-le · 6 years ago

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Ktravels / Klife: After a year in korea Final Thoughts

Foreword: Surprise, surprise, procrastination got the best of me for quite some time. But im back. And for the last time. At least for the last time regarding my year-long study abroad experience in Korea. Here lies the last bits and pieces of my heart that left behind such a wondrous lifestyle in such a complex country.

I guess this will be the last of my “Korean” writings for a while. I think I kept holding off on this because I didn’t want to solidify the fact that my journey abroad is officially over. I guess even being home and everything still doesn’t make me accept reality. All I can keep thinking these days is that exactly a year ago, I was sitting around every day, waiting for my summer to end & for me to hurry up and end up in Korea & I kept asking myself over and over and over and OVER, ceaselessly: “I wonder how my life will change once I live there. I wonder what my life would be like over there”.

And what’s crazy, is that even though I kept desperately trying to grasp that fact so intensely a year prior to today, I still don’t have the answer as I sit here in this seat. I still don’t think I can properly express what my 10 month-ish experience was like. I feel just as contemplative as I did a year ago.

I think ive been holding off writing this mostly because I don’t even know what to say. Why don’t I have anything to say? Hmm.. or more like, I have so much to say that I don’t even want to begin. Because once I do, and then once I wrap it all up, everything will truly be all over. It’ll solidify the fact that my year abroad is all done for, never to come back to me ever again.

I think my final post of my study abroad IG account, the one I posted every single day for, enclosed my immediate, final thoughts and feelings really well. I mean, I literally wrote that on the plane flying home, sooooo…

Maybe I should start with addressing my goals I set for myself before I left, and how those goals panned out upon my return. Very vaguely, one of my main pursuits was to “become fluent in Korean”. Even to this day, im not exactly sure what that constitutes and by my standards, I don’t really know to what extent I wanted to improve based on that statement…. But, I guess I just really really really wanted to practice communicating more and essentially feel comfortable speaking, reading, writing, and listening in this completely foreign language. And I mean even prior to arriving, I had already known how to read Hangul for like 8 years. So in terms of reading, I just got to practice a looottt and just brush up on my speed & precision, I guess. Listening has also never been too much of a struggle: years of pure absorption and drowning myself in Korean in every form possible has taken me this far, to be quite honest. It was never anything intentional, I just held onto more and more words as the years went by. And quite frankly, I’m pretty damn proud of myself for that. I guess my point is that I unknowingly wanted to focus on improving my writing and speaking. Which sounds a bit futile, because what was the ultimate purpose in expanding on these skills? When I cannot even use them outside of Korea? Hm… I didn’t think that far. I just knew I wanted to improve. Or no, I don’t even think I had any real basis before arriving anyway. I just wanted to get exposed to that side of the language and make some sort of progress. Because I enjoy it that much.

I didn’t even know how to write the strokes of Hangul characters properly. No one had ever taught me. For years, for the small words or phrases I might’ve scribbled down for fun or doodled my notebooks with, I just wrote what I knew, like pictures. I still, to this day, don’t know the proper strokes lol. It kinda makes me feel noob, but o well, ive made it this far nonetheless. In terms of speaking, of course, I had absolutely no background. There had never been a chance to practice this skill… in fact, if there were one, if I did speak Korean at some point before going to Korea, I feel like that would’ve been really weird anyway… I wasn’t learning it formally in a classroom or anything, so if I were to try…. To god-knows-who…… I dunno, that doesn’t seem right to me. There was just never a proper place and time for me to use any sort of spoken Korean, and that made sense. Because I had such a wide range of “skills” under my belt when it came to this language prior to arriving, none of it was… “official”? None of it was ever proper…..? I am not really sure which word fits best, but the fact that I had known everything I knew at that time from pure Korean media absorption, it bothered me a lot actually.

I wanted to learn formally. I wanted to learn properly. So, I didn’t hesitate to take the intensive Korean language course at Yonsei, one that was 4-6pm every day, Monday-Friday, for the entire semester. What I did hesitate with though, very greatly, and a little regretfully, was the level in which I started learning formal Korean. A part of me is regretful, but I think I know in my heart it was the better decision. Speaking Korean with the teacher on the day of the placement test was probably my first time ever really speaking full sentences aloud to someone else & I can sorta recall it with slight embarrassment. Okay not even slight, like a ton lol I was such a nooooobbbb… I still ammmmm….anyway, based on that day’s tests, the teacher deemed me as able to start in level 2. But I rejected him. I told him I wanted to start at level 1. Because ive never learned properly before, I felt the need to start from the beginning. He told me that level 1 would begin with each Hangul character, pronouncing them one by one, etc. He asked if I’d be okay with going over all of that, and I told him it was fine.

My level 1 class ended up being more of a level 1.5 & we went much faster than all the other classes and didn’t even start with the basics that I was originally warned of. But still, quite frankly, level 1 KLI was butts easy and I didn’t even need to study for anything to do well. For that, im pretty proud of myself. I’m not trying to brag, but I’m actually just very glad that my skills I arrived with were at least up to par enough that I could complete 1 without much struggle. What I was most grateful for was that I got out of KLI was a lot of grammar basics. A lot of these structures I recognized and have probably used on my own before, but I didn’t know the rules properly myself, until I finally learned them in KLI. So really, if I didn’t take level 1, I really think I would’ve lost out on that basic foundation needed for learning more advanced things. Granted, I probably could’ve covered a lot of those things in my own time if I searched for the proper resources and had a stronger motivation. But I never did that by myself. So, I sorttttt offfff, “wasted time” in level 1.

The next semester, level 2, was also not too difficult. Some concepts were definitely a bit more challenging and less intuitive, but nothing impossible to understand. Overall, my semester 2 at Yonsei was when my Korean grew to the heights that I had hoped for. If I improved about 10% during semester 1, then I would say I improved 115% in semester 2. I don’t even know what that means myself, but my point is that I had many many manyyy more real life, application opportunities to use Korean. The biggest factor being my participation in Powers, the badminton team at Yonsei, that semester. Aside from the 2729017 other things that Powers influenced that semester, language was a big thing. At some point, many of my teammates considered me the “American that is really good at Korean”, but like, the over-exaggeration is real. Although one dude consistently talked to me in only English for the longest time, once I met beloved 익안언니, that English-only image of me died and I communicated with everyone else the same way they already communicated with each other: in Korean. I know that sounds….like…. idk, not a really big deal. Like wow good for you, you could communicate in a foreign language with these people. But my biggest deal with it was that if it weren’t for me being in Powers, I would not have practiced speaking or expanded my vocabulary or just LEARNED as much as I have. ESPECIALLY meeting 익안언니 was such a blessing. Although she is from Taiwan, she is a grad student studying Korean language and culture which already implies that she is basically fluent in Korean. And me, knowing absolutely no Chinese but at least having half-assed Korean skills, we only ever communicated in Korean from day 1. Since the day we met, the day she came up to me and asked if I wanted to warm-up with her and asked if I was a foreigner or not, and then revealing that shes actually a foreigner, too. That made us automatically click, because we realized we could both speak without feeling wary of sounding dumb or making mistakes in front of a REAL Korean person. Granted, other teammates always heard a lot of our conversations and sometimes joined in, too. The main point was that speaking Korean in that sense, was the best experience I could’ve asked for. Others may think the most ideal would be, y’know, a real Korean person. But, why be picky when the point is that I got to practice.

By the end of semester two, I had a kinda random idea, fueled by a conversation I had with a KLI classmate. She mentioned how she was studying for the TOPIK 2, the intermediate-advanced Korean fluency test for foreigners, and she decided to take it in Korea versus America because she heard it was easier and the 65th one would be held in Korea while she was there anyway. Upon hearing this, I only vaguely knew about this test, I didn’t think it to be that big of deal, yet in my head I knew I was always impressed with foreigners when they would say something like “yeah I placed level 6 (the highest mark) on the topik”. And so, I looked more into the test myself, and I was like hmm maybe I should try it out myself. 익안언니 mentioned that she actually needed to (re)take it too because her score from her last test is expiring soon. So very last minute, we decided to take it together. It costed money, but that was expected. I debated a lot in the beginning whether or not to take TOPIK 1 or 2, aka easy vs hard, but I decided to just fuck it, I just gotta make sure I study for reals and have more faith in my skills lol.

Im glad I made the right decision. I didn’t study as effectively for the test as I would’ve liked, but I did what I could given my circumstances. I was shooting for level 3. I at least wanted a LEVEL out of the test, not a blank score, which is what would be given if you can’t even manage the minimum level 3 out of the TOPIK 2. That test seriously HURT my brain LOL. As you get towards the end of each section, it gets ridiculously hard and there were 2475830 words I did not understand at all and the mere rows of sentences eventually turned into huge walls of text that filled the paper all the way to the edges and o gosh, just imagine how brain frying those sorts of exams can be HAHAHAH.

In the end, I placed level 5. I was 8 points away from level 6. I was honestly very shocked and to this day, I think I just owe my score to me doing a good job at guessing correct answers, not my pure skills LOL. But above all else, I definitely underestimated myself. I really wanted to take the TOPIK to assess my Korean skills once and for all, definitively. But even after receiving my score, I still feel lost on how to accurately describe my skills. Does level 5 even cut it? Do I even have the right to call myself level 5? I got it though, right? Having drowned myself in Korean for 8 years & taken level 1 & 2 KLI, I was able to be lowkey fluent, I guess.

That’s pretty damn cool. Im pretty damn proud of myself. And yeah, idk, that’s that. LOL. Im not trying to brag about myself or anything. All of that was purely my journey with the Korean language, particularly in the context of studying abroad in Korea for a year. And in regards to my goal, I think I did a pretty good job. I can write long chunks of text without too much problem, I can speak a good amount, maybe not 100% flawlessly, but I can hold conversations, I can go weeks with only speaking Korean, and I think that’s pretty awesome progress that I made towards my goal. If anything, I may have surpassed my anticipations. Cool. LOL

Another one of my main goals was to travel outside of Korea. Or not even that, just outside of SEOUL. Because as amazing that city alone is, I also knew that there is sooooo much to explore throughout the rest of the country and even in other nations. For second semester, I went to Tokyo in Japan, Bangkok in Thailand, Taipei and Tainan in Taiwan, and Busan, Jeonju, Jeju-do, and Yeosu in Korea. I was very blessed to travel to 3 other countries and hit a few beautiful areas outside of Seoul in Korea, too. Although it was a tiresome experience, I wouldn’t have traded it for anything else. Balancing school and travels and other commitments was ridiculously tough. Ive repeated this a lot but: all my snaps and ig updates may have looked like fun and games, but the burnout was real. Traveling with friends isn’t all fun and games.

I learned SO MUCH through this experience: planning logistics thoroughly, dealing with money & currency exchanges strategically, balancing school work, moving things around as necessary, utilizing transportation in various different settings in an effective and efficient manner, familiarizing oneself with the GEOGRAPHY of a place (a really important one that I feel people don’t really talk about), researching attractions from different perspectives & using multiple, varied resources, knowing where to go for help, preparing proper lodging accordingly & communicating with hosts/staff, researching FOOD, too. I could go on and on.

But when it comes to traveling, especially while on a budget bc we are broke ass college kids, the amount of proper communication & discussion & preparation with other members of the group that needs to go into it is no joke. It’s not fun and games, it’s making sure that we know what the fuck we’re doing in a foreign environment so that we can explore, see things, get around, eat, and ENJOY our time safely and efficiently.

SO in that sense, I’m also pretty proud of myself & my friends. Special shout out to Sabrina Sooyoung Wong who was my ultimate travel buddy for (almost) everywhere I went. I already miss the amazing time we had together :’(

Continuing where I left off, I have realized that this writing is taking way too long. The day that marks one year since I left for Korea has already passed (August 21st) & I realized that I was gone for exactly 11 months: Aug 21 - July 21 (w/ a break in bw ofc) bc I literally landed back in America on the 21st of July, not realizing that the day I left was exactly the 21st as well. And my birthday is on the 21st too. Of Sept..:0 that’s whack. ANYWAYYYYYYY…………

What more do I have to say about this trip, hmmmm……. Ive already talked about my growth through the language and through traveling all over the place…These days, ive truly been trying to relive & recall the worries that shrouded my mind a year ago before I left.

I remember so clearly, constantly asking myself “How will my life change once I go and live there? Will I even be able to make any friends?” People around me also kept telling me that I would “HAVE SO MUCH FUNNNN”, but I recall constantly shutting them down and being pessimistic & telling everyone that I “would just be a normal student studying all the time, just in a different country lol” To address all these predeparture worries, I’ll say simply, thinking back on it now: My life changed SO MUCH, that it feels like nothing even happened at all (ik like wtf??? But lemme explain…), I made friends that I know will last a lifetime, and HONESTLY, I worked really hard studying when it came down to it, but I also made sure to have as much fun as I could. I did my best to balance everything (especially 2nd semester..)

So like, how tf could my life have changed so much that it feels unreal? Well, it’s exactly that. My daily life, the way I went about my daily routine, the lifestyle that I honed, the world that I wrapped myself in, the things I did, the food I ate, just about EVERYTHING about my life in Korea was so drastically different than my life in America, that returning home actually just makes it all feel like a dream, as if it were all a lie. My Korean lifestyle and my American lifestyle are incomparable. They are two completely different worlds. And for that…. I….. yes, I miss the Korean one like crazy every day, but that affection and sentiment for what I had makes my experience all the more precious and just… dear to my heart. Oh so dear to my heart, 나의 유학생활…. I think I kept asking myself the “how will it change” question countless times before I left because I was trying to prepare myself, trying to make sure I don’t throw myself off in the heat of it, make sure I stay grounded in the reality of my circumstances. And although nothing could’ve prepared myself enough for all those specific changes in my life, I think I definitely stayed rooted in mindfulness and never lost sight of the privilege I had.

If I look back on my first semester writings, I always repeated the words “thankful” & “grateful”. I really did my everything to remind myself of those feelings. Same goes for the friends that I met. Particularly my first semester gang, my days spent with them were infinitely bright. I feel like we were all so lost in the wonders of Korea (and Taiwan) and the beauty of just being there, spending time together, having valuable conversations, but also some very dumb ones, and really just bathing in the precious company of each other. It is not every day you meet an amazing group of people as the ones I did 1st sem. I gave yall a shoutout before, but thank yall again for taking care of me, the youngest of younglings out there, and making me laugh & smile more than I could ever recall doing with anyone else. Even my blessed friends from 2nd sem too, sooyoung, antony, Vicky, & 익안언니, I could not have imagined what my life would’ve been with them. My point in all of this? I was so worried about “making friends”, but miraculously, luckily, AMAZINGLY, it all worked out in the end. I am so grateful for that. I got close to some frking really cool people, who I still talk to today, who I still think about a lot, whom I owe a lot of myself to. Even if our collective time spent together was not the longest, even if the timespan of my other friendships are significantly more extensive, the friends I made through studying abroad are infinitely valuable and precious to me at the end of the day. Only stunning memories remain. Our friendships wont end there. They only started in Korea, but I have faith that they will transcend timezones and the years to come.

In terms of just balancing LIFE in korea, I can definitely recall many instances where I felt completely overwhelmed and burnt out. Those days were bound to come from the start. There were many days were I lacked a significant amount of sleep because I was so busy, there were days were I felt perpetually stuck & I could never overcome my problems (the things… a foreigner in Korean cannot do without a phone number…. Gg I felt soooooo shitty at that time)… there were also, ofc, days where I felt frustrated with many different people, there were days were I was so stressed out about whether I was doing the right thing (my 2 tutoring gigs…) or if I deserved anything I was receiving…., there were countless days where I studied hard and stressed about academics, as always (but I managed to get all A+’s 2nd sem & im honestly so proud of that…) …there were plenty of days where I would feel Korean societal standards weigh down on me & I felt painfully inclined to fit in in any and every way possible,.. I also struggled with deeper questions about the kind of toxic community Koreans can foster in various contexts (political, nationalism, etc..)… and the biggest of adversities, the one that broke me down the most, and to this day has left me empty & lost… was watching my singer get torn apart and disappear before my eyes.

I have written about this specific topic very extensively in a different piece, and…. It is definitely a pretty heated, passionate, painful piece. I had many many many many things to say about all of it, and I actually still have countless words to say, honestly. For sake of concision, for sake of keeping my sanity in place for at least this piece of text, for the sake of my world that has crumbled apart far too much for me to ever pick myself back up again… I’ll just say… I miss him so much and I pray for the day I can listen to him again. I won’t even be greedy and say “see” him again. I know ive seen him more times than I ever deserved too. But I want to listen to his voice again. In a new light, in a reassuring way. In some form, I want to hear him again… just once at least… please…Knowing him, listening to him for years, holding onto my life with his voice & music… I know that he needs to do music and nothing else. It breaks my heart every day to think about how this light has been lost from him.

One day… one day……….. I pray desperately every day that one day, he will come back to us. Please.

Its honestly pretty difficult to talk about my hardships during my time in Korea without mentioning that stuff. It has taken such a big toll on me, life became so taxing because of that one situation, that even today I sit here, half a year after it all fell apart, without much improvement on the state of things anyway. But enough of the negative stuff. I hope that’s enough. Despite all the pain & highkey trauma I acquired from it all, I know that at the end of the day I learned valuable lessons and that I am still grateful for every experience nonetheless.

I still wouldn’t be who I am today or where I am today without those tough times, too. It sucks that I lost my light along the way, I lost sight of my world that so ironically always gave me healing when I needed it most.

Another thing I should mention is how I am also very grateful for that fact that I never got sick while in Korea, or just while abroad in general. I usually catch a cold about once a year, even my first year of college, I definitely had that small period of time where I was dead sick from some sort of virus. But not once, did my body ever falter while abroad. It’s ironic because usually being in foreign countries, especially the not-the-most-sanitary ones like Thailand, Taiwan, etc, one would normally be much more susceptible to a stomach bug or heat-related complication or whatever. One would think that my body would be especially vulnerable abroad. But nope. I stayed strong all throughout. I’m pretty damn proud of that too. I tend to take my health for granted, but looking back on it now, I guess I held up pretty well despite all the odds against me.

The most important question I should be asking myself now is… How have I changed since I’ve studied abroad? Some basic changes would be my outer appearance. My makeup has definitely changed, my clothes do not exactly look like the rest of my friends’, and my eyes are sometimes slightly different colored LOL. But, mentally? Emotionally? What has korea done to me? I thought that once I returned from being abroad, I could be this strong, amazing, fearless, bold person. Maybe in some aspects, I do feel that way. But quite frankly, being away from some beloved, close friends for so long has left me more insecure and unsure than I would like to admit.

No part of my confidence has significantly skyrocketed or anything. I am still too much of a pessimist for any of that to be possible. I actually feel kinda reluctant, vulnerable, skeptical… when it comes back to reconnecting with the friends I haven’t seen for over a year. So in this way, Korea has changed me in which I do not know how to reconvene with the life I originally left.

Korea also….. made me fall in love with the “Asian lifestyle”. I say this a lot in person, but I think I genuinely love Asian culture & way of living better than America’s. Especially after coming back & coming to terms with how normalized some illegal stuff are among kids my age are now, I cant vibe with any of that. I know well enough that both cultures have their pros and cons and but I think I can safely say I prefer one over the other. I have grown up in the same exact house and neighborhood my entire life and I very ironically chose to go to a school that mirrors this familiar environment almost perfectly. Therefore, I easily lose sight about what is new, what is enjoyable, what keeps me grounded here.

So to be honest, nothing keeps me grounded in my hometown. Not my parents, not really my hometown friends, nothing special. It’s a fact that I felt more attached to Korea than America. I don’t know. It just ended up that way.

I traveled to and studied there for a year because I felt like my heart belonged there. And after coming back, I think I finally can contest to that statement.

One more thing, as I try to run out of things to say… I dislike K-pop and I wish it wasn’t such a definitive part of Korea itself. I know for a fact that the way in which K-pop has blown up over the years is an inherent loss for Korean culture because now the world has been misguided, misinformed, and misinterpreting Korea as a whole due to K-pop. I hate how, if I were to speak to someone ive never met before about me studying abroad in Korea, they would most likely assume that I like K-pop or make some sort of connection to my experience, with K-pop. That presumption needs to end. I do not relate my experience to K-pop in any way. There was so much outside of that. So like, no, I did not meet so-and-so. No, I did not see that group on the streets. No, I did not go to that concert. I admit I went to plenty of concerts, but those people were basically NO NAMES compared to actual K-pop artists… So please… I wish there was a distance between Kpop & Korea.

I have come to cherish Korean culture way outside of K-pop. Sure, its what exposed me to it all in the beginning, but I very quickly, very NATURALLY, grew out of that mindset & perspective. Sigh. That’s that. A real shame.

I haven’t been able to wrap this up for an entire week now and I think, right before I head back to school for good at UCI, this would be a good time to close it up for good.

What I meant to talk about throughout this entire “final journey” chunk was how studying abroad changed me, and what that might mean for my future.

These days, while ive been lowkey wallowing away at home, avoiding my responsibilities and waiting for everything to come crashing down onto me once I return to Irvine, one of the biggest things ive been really missing is Yeosu. My spontaneous 2 day, 1 night trip to Yeosu with Sabrina was probably one of the best spontaneous adventures I ever chose to do.

Yeosu held some sort of beauty that is so impossible to explain, that pictures don’t even do justice for, and is really just a hidden gem sort of place that I am so so so blessed to have visited and fallen in love with. Even if it was just for two short days, Yeosu treated us SO well. It will forever be one of the best memories I’ve made in Korea, because of all its combined natural beauty, open air, wonderful weather, breathtaking views, exciting and undying street pojangmacha street life, and FOOD! Amazing, home-cooked 한식…..it was really, honestly, great.

Another thing I thought of: I feel like I took so many airplanes that I lost count and I even lost that exhilarating, enthusiastic feeling that used to be associated with taking airplanes at some point. I am not trying to BRAG that I had that sort of privilege, but I just wanted to…. Reminisce on that missing emotion. Now, going through that entire check-in, security, waiting, boarding process feels sooooo draggy, and if anything, even a waste of time….. :( but I at least appreciate airplanes for being able to take me everywhere…

OKAY FOR REALS, last thing im going to address: my current perceptions on sharing my journey abroad with others. If im going to be completely honest, I really hesitate to talk about how I studied in Korea for a year. I am pretty damn paranoid about what people would think of me and I am reluctant to really tell my story because I feel like all of it is very important and special and dear to my heart that it’s not as simple as “yeah, it was chill, I had a great time”. In response to the question of “omg how was it????”, ive literally made a script for myself: “honestly, like my life in korea and my life here in America were so totally different that it feels like it didn’t even happen… it went by so fast and there was so much going on that coming back here feels pretty weird…also, reverse-culture shock is real”

That is the best spiel I can muster up if I were to briefly talk about my experiences abroad. But in reality, I would want to talk about why korea & the Korean language mean so much to me, how grateful I am for all the places and people and things I got to see, how convenient day-to-day life was. And most of all, I would want to address the all the negative things I discovered about Korea. I would want to talk about how for nearly half of my time there, my world was, and still is, crashing down onto me, and how that entire happening has affected my viewpoint of Korean society greatly. I would love to go on about the nuances that make Korea a very toxic social environment, how many aspects that make it well-known and well-received globally also contribute to my disliking for Korea. My experience was so eye-opening. It really was. With all the beauty I discovered along the way, I feel like I faced some extremely terrible shit, too. But of course, as I have been repeating ceaselessly, I am thankful at the end of the day. I always am.

I think at this point, I don’t have much more to say. Despite how much I miss Korea on a daily basis, for now, I think its best to let go of it. I am proud that my daily Instagram will stay as my detailed, thorough testimony to the countless experiences and stories I thought were worth sharing, or remembering at the very least. 286 days. To be exact, I was abroad for 286 days. Not a year exactly, but sorta close. I did my best. I did everything I could. I was independent as I could be, I saw all the things I could see, and I just appreciated it all at the end of the day.

I am really excited to go back one day. It’s at the least the one thing keeping me a little bit optimistic for the future.

잘 있어줘, 한국아. 모든 걸 고마웠다.

#korea #yonsei #klife #study abroad #its officially all over #twas a good run #thank u for everything #to all the ppl that made it worth #am forever grateful

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i-amusemyself · 8 years ago

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All categories. Every question.

Bloody hell!! 😂 Who on earth wants to know so much about me?? This could either be great or terrible! Thanks!Quick facts:1. Age: 182. Gender: Non binary i guess3. Sexual orientation: bi/pansexual but its complicated4. Zodiac sign: libra5. Best friend: @only-slightly-dangerous6. Height: 5'11" last time I checked7. Favourite colour: black.8. Hobbies: sleeping, self loathing and memes. In that order.9. Shoe size: 710. Eye colour: brownHave I... (this is gonna be a short section)1. Had sex? Nope2. Kissed someone in the rain? Nope3. Had a job? Yup! 3. I now have none smh4. Smoked weed? Nope5. Done drugs? Nope6. Drank alcohol? Yuup7. Broken a bone? Yuup, a couple8. Self harmed? Yh :/9. Caught sneaking out? Lmao nope10. Been in love? Doubt it, but I've loved very strongly.This or that1. Good morning or good night texts? Good night texts are cute as hell but they make me kinda sad so I'll say good morning texts.2. Sweet or salty? Sweet3. Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate4. Fancy dates or casual dates? Casual dates all the way!!5. Airplane or drive? Drive6. Mountains or beach? ...mountains are cold but beaches have sand sooo? Both and also neither.7. Baths or showers? Baths! I miss baths!!8. Blonds or brunetts? Brunetts. I don't have *that* much of a type, but I never seem to go for blonds.9. TV or music? I love them both? ...ill say music.10. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? Mean girls. No question about it.Last...1. Person you kissed: idfk i havent kissed anyone, family or otherwise, in ages2. Text you sent: "you on your wayy??"3. Person you texted: my friend rowan4. Show you watched: doctor who5. Time you cried: a week ago ish?6. Song you listened to: always something by cage the elephant7. Shoes you wore: some black converse8. Thing you ate: chocolate 😄9. Thing you bought: does a bus ticket count?10. Time you took a selfie: this morning,, but we're talking unflattering via snapchatDo you...1. Tan easy? I dont go outside enough to know 😂2. Regret anything? There are a lot of things I wish never happened, but they kinda made me who I am sooo...I'd say most things I regret are things I've said and things I haven't.3. Want to get back with your last ex? I think its easier as friends, in the best way possible.4. Have trust issues? Hoo boiiiii yeah.5. Like chinese food? It's a fave!6. Believe in love at first sight? Nah, attraction at first sight though.7. Sleep with your door open or closed? Its open just a tiny tiny bit so I don't make noise if I leave my room but I still feel safe8. Type fast? I'd say so yeah9. Have pets? Yup!! 2 bunnies that I love sooo much and a crackers cocker spaniel called borris!!10. Smile at strangers? Yeah! I mean, im awkward af but if i catch their eye then sure, you never know who might need itSex and romance? (This sections gonna be even shorter)1. Relationship status: single as usual2. Are you a virgin? Yeah 3. Ever cheated? Been cheated on? I could never cheat, I've seen what it does to people and it makes me so so mad. And nah, thankfully.4. How many people have you slept with? See 2.5. Given oral sex? Recieved it? Nah6. Hot make up sex or slow romantic sex? ...would need experience to decide 7. Worst sex you've had: see 28. Best sex you've had: see 29. Ever had sex with more than one person at a time? See 210. Rate yourself as a lover on a scale of 1-10? 1.Someone you...1. Miss: ummm... no one majorly. I guess theres someone i like id love to see2. Love: my best friend3. Trust: i trust like 2 people in this world- see one and two.4. Live with: my mum5. Have kissed: my ex i guess6. Have slept with: no one7. Hate: besides trump, theres a couple of people that have fucked me over that still make my blood boil.8. Idolize: Kaitlyn Alexander 😶9. Need: idk, friends in general. 10. Have known for years: girl at my sixth form called ella; ive known her since before i could talk.Miscalleneous1. What did the last text you sent say? "AAAAAAAAA" ~ I got sent a cat video.2. Have you ever done a prank call? Probably when I was like 8 but nothing very successful!3. If you're drunk and can't stand, who's taking care of you? I wish I knew 😂 4. How long does it take you to get ready in a morning? An hour and a half, at least. That's excluding time for picking clothes and doing makeup etc.5. Behind the camera or infront of it? Behind6. Last book you read? The Five People You Meet in Heaven, but it was last summer!7. How can someone win your heart? Be so authentically yourself that I can be me too. And be honest.8. Did you lose your virginity before 18? Nah9. Do you like your handwriting? When I'm not rushing, sure10. Do you play any musical instruments? I'm grade 8 at the kazoo11. Where do you want to live when you're older? I kinda want to move to canada or denmark! So long as I'm living with some I love its all good!12. What's something you like about yourself?.......bloody hell....erm......I guess I like that I always try. I don't really know how I do it, but I'll always find that extra bit of energy if needed.13. Whats something that drives you crazy about yourself? Just like who I am as a person 😂😂😂 nah, erm, I hate it when I can't communicate what I'm thinking irl (im okay if I'm typing). Things tend to come out wonky and in the wrong tone or meaning the wrong thing and I just beat myself up over it for the rest of the week.14. Closest friend on tumblr? @only-slightly-dangerous what a surprise!15. Do you think you'll be in a relationship 2 months from now? I should be so lucky 😂16. Do you like when people play with your hair? Yaaaas17. Top 5 songs right now? Bloody hell, erm, right at this second? In no particular order: -Rats- Motionless in White-just basically the entire new miw album (as esp the eternally yours video 👀)-The Night We Met, piano version, on repeat.-No Rest For the Wicked by Cage the Elephant-Corpse Roads by Keaton Henson18. Spell your name with your chin: ywtkur. Wow.19. Trip to the bottom of the ocean or outer space? *banging fists on table* outer space!!!!! Yaaaaas!!

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mamonthemoon · 6 years ago

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So about the 5 of CUPS. I am getting in touch with writing and music and art and so happy to have access to a computer to do these things. I could not flow like this, as I wanted, at my pace, on my phone. It is SO great to have a computer again. I am blessed, I am thankful. I am so happy, today I logged into Soundcloud to find Jan and Taylor collab and made music and it just touched my heart and made me so happy. Also talkin and chillin beside dont know her name but shes a Leo, I could tell she was more on point and driven and aware the first time i saw her come into the cafeteria one night. Not like the others. A good thing. She is having some struggles with people evidently, being different, and them talking about her business, ay dont worry about it their petty basic losers. Bitches. I also got a nice comment 6 months ago on a track I did, “perfection” - how nice. I wish I had been able to make music and tracks through these past few years... I felt trapped, unable to express and create.. So I just sat in my car and sang... Ive been without a computer for the past 5 years WOW! I set out to evolve- to break my internet addiction, I wanted to be in real life, and not in my own little bubble, I wanted to be aware and grounded and discipline myself. Well, I sure do appreciate this computer access now, and the internet, and everyone’s creativity and the era we’re in is so beautiful in that way, considering how awful the fucking world is! Like all these churches are you for real? and all these heathens that lie cheat steal? Crazy! War... Hate.. Rape.... Oppression.. Slavery.. Injustice... Women under men............ all this.... I was shielded from for most my life, ignorant and dumb and aloof. Its better that way!!! I sought to understand though... big mistake!!!! Understand I have..... Damn. Shoulda asked and prayed for good things! Not something like understanding! Wow dont do that unless you want to go through heaven and hell and everything in between, chaos, mundane, and the unseen. So much... Off on a tangent again.... Point is... I am EMBRACING the 5 of cups. I literally stand like that.... I stood like that figure today, on the hill across the empty basin up the hill where I walk to be with nature, the little bit that is there, amongst the trash and brush. I asked Jesus to heal my heart if he exists, and told him he knows I have lived like him, at least more than pretty much most people, and that hey maybe I havent, and I dont know, obviously Im doing something wrong. I cried, because my heart needed me to, my body needed me to. And it felt good to, with the wind, or fresh air, far away from the building and people. I cried and spoke to Ayla. I feel I will be with her in one year. I am saddened by our seperation and how long it is taking, and I want her to know she is SO loved. In fact, it is the only reason I live. I typed love.... and perhaps that is the correct sentence here. Ayla is the only reason I love. It is true. I never loved before her. I never loved until I became a mother. And I loved everyone with that love, too. Mostly her of course, an overwhelming neverending supply of love, JUST LIKE THE SUN. Ayla is Jesus. And so am I, as a result of loving her and giving my all to her like I have. PURE LOVE. I prayed for it and I got it. It was so painful, before and after, her. But she is Joy. She is grace. She is everything. She is my teacher. She is SO beautiful. And I cant stand to see her cry without crying. That image is burned in my brain. I was happy at the moment, starting my new life with psycho, briefly, he was treating me well. I was putting in work to make that nasty house a home. I was loving again, and being reciprocated in that love and affection. BUT NOTHING COMPARES TO YOU. AYLA RAY. I mourn for that I have been unable to accomplish housing you and me. I have been unable to attain a living situation. And it is SO frustrating. I believe things can get better. I believe in me. I believe in my strength and perseverence, and I trust my intuition. I have been working very hard to be strong. I have worked very hard to be sober. Worked to be creative. Worked to be spiritually sound. Worked to have greater understanding. And I have been getting feedback from the people who work here and run this place, as well as doctor and social worker type person at the Internal Medicine Clinic today, positive feedback and thanks for sharing my experience, and told that I am wise and have a greater understanding, etc. It didnt even feel good to receive the praise, I was too busy extracting what I had to say, and it is exhausting and frustrating because the pain stays inside me, and all I have to do is wait. and wait. and wait. but its okay. I am happy. I have a place to be, I have some people to talk to, and we talk and then all wander away, its perfect. I have had hard times and been very frustrated but through it all I am grateful and see the silver lining for sure. I am not dwelling on the past, on the wrongs I was wronged recently. Im used to it!!!!!! I accept it. My car was on its way out, and Ive never been in a good living situation anyway. The way Ive lived, being in this homeless shelter really isnt that hard. Except that my body doesnt appreciate the shit food and eating meat, and I have to be careful about my sugar intake. I feel awful after I eat. I will be so relieved and at ease when I can smoke mari again. I hate eating. Yet, Im always hungry now it seems. My weight is 115. Im on track, perfect weight. Just my body doesnt feel good due to my nervous system. And these people dont want to prescribe me Ativan. Im pretty sure the song Jan and Taylor did, the lyrics talked about the generic name for it.. loradiazepine, or something. Ill have to check. The song was titled “Giving up on a Friend”. It was beautifully prosed and poised. Truly impressive. So happy inside. I have really been sad for all my creative lovely friends that died...... drugs, lack of love... parents being not what they needed to be...... crazy, we came from a good area... but.. moreso than in the hood.. i feel like everyone be so isolated. anyway. it made me happy, to stand with those 2 cups left standing.... so many died and spilled... those cups.... what a beautiful world, to hold my Tiffany, Kyle, Des.... they were beautiful sensitive souls and im so sorry this world was so cold! im so sorry i couldnt express and shower them with the love they deserved.. i dont regret or blame myself anymore, because i didnt have the capacity to love... until i had Ayla. So forgiveness is there. I needed THEIR love. Their creativity and spirit lit me up when i was dark and grey. No one knew how much each other struggled... its so sad. But I remember how happy I felt being at the community house as i called it.... the boys and their shenanigans....... I also watched young No doubt and Gwen Stefani.. how beautiful... I cant believe I never watched the music videos when I was younger I loved her! She inspired me so much... so different... I guess she was to me, what Billie Eilish is to Imani. I want to write a letter to Imani. I love and miss her. She is truly ahead of her time. I cant wait til I can get some money and send her a letter. Im gonna have to go on googlemaps and find their house so I can know the address cuz I dont remember or rather, never logged into my brain, the house numbers. I would totally adopt Imani. It makes me sad the things I cant do because of money. What I can do, is be there for them in other ways. In the spirit ways, creative, being aware paying attention to them, telling them how beautiful and wonderful they are. It made me sad how depressed and angry I was, Imani got to hear me straight up raw bitching... but I belive it truly helped her transition with her dad, and know that shes not alone, and that I see what he does and hate it, and that I have problems with my dad too. And that her dad is a bastard who doesnt support her dreams and creativity as much as he should, because he had to repress it in himself. And that you have to hold onto your creativity, no ones going to help you, basically. I have to reiterate that. She is truly passionate and creative and wise and mature way beyond her years. I know she gets love from all around, family and friends, Im really hoping my absence hasnt left a dent in her life or heart, truly, sometimes.... sometimes you know, I wish someone will miss me or realize the hole thats left by my absence.. but I dont wish that on her. I want her to be happy and good. For real. But as for my daughter.... I cant say I am okay with her being happy without me. I have struggled with the selfishness of that. I WANT her to be taken care of and happy.... I even thanked the women who replaced me, for being in her life, glad she had females but come to find out Oriana bitch.. fucking slapped her... and THATS why fucker wouldnt let me talk to her and dicked me around whil eim busting my ass trying to work my shit pay cooking jobs but hold Ayla top priority and just be left in the dust with NO control, me.. not respected. But now I have evidence in my phone from conversations with worm saying these things, if it will even matter........ its a shame this last bastard isnt going to be helping me with the law and with my daughter and case... I mean I cant really accept him into my life being that he acted how he did and talked to me and berated me after praising me like he did, like a straight up classic psycho, but ive never met a man so bipolar SHIT....... ANYWAY, maybe I can date a lawyer though..or hangout at the law library.. but i dont want to run into him. IDK what will become of this, IDK what my path is, But I am focusing on the Two upright cups, The cups still standing. The strong survive... I used to think everyone would make it til old age, except the rare car accident etc... I had NO IDEA so many people would die... so young.. every year...aiy. So I see it as survival of the fittest but its no joke. I am still struggling. Where my friends reached for drugs, partying, relief, escape... I sought to really make it for real and not get sucked into that life that I saw would drag people down. Why did I see this and they did not? Is it because I was more of a loner, less able to socialize or fit in or pretend? I dont know... I know that.... I didnt connect very well to people and was pretty much isolated more than others.... also.. sexually void.... so i did not have those intense feelings of attachment or love like others had... it would have been too much for me to handle probably but still, my life was empty and cold and dark and grey. Still is, a lot, except when I bring my conscious energy and intent alive... but subconsciously... all is not good... My moon is in the 4th house, and until my home environment is good, until i feel secured and loved and family...... I will not be well emotionally. I know this. Astrology and the occult has truly armed me with knowledge. Self knowledge, and a tool and friend if you will... guide.. mentor.. something to interact with... something to listen! to be there for me to see, what is going on....Astrology for the core personality and blueprint of what makes a person tick.. what drives them.. how they function... of course a conscious person is harder to decipher, someone who has worked on themselves, to balance out their traits i guess but anyway, people shine as they are! whether exhibiting negative qualities and not shining at all but being muddy and negative, or by being bright and vibrant and strong.. either way, it is seen. Its not evil lol. stupid man. how can you be against something you know nothing about? that is ignorance. how can you stand for something or against something if you dont even know what IT IS? Lost respect. That should be a name of a song I will write, or rather, the title of what I have already wrote. I gota speak it into a beat. Cant stay in this notebook i will inevitably throw away. It must make it off the page and into something shareable. I write too much to keep throwing it away. It all seems too basic for how deep i go, i feel i dont do myself justice i guess. but simple is good.. i am not so hard on other artists! i need to create and let go and not worry about it and just keep at it. Just like selfies take like 20 shots to get a good one.. haha. done with those. the fact remains. so, 20 tracks to create then, and bam ill have a good one worth sharing. it is cringing, to listen to some of my stuff for real, from a few years ago, but also deeply giddy satisfying like a gift from my past self, an adult, channeling my inner child, i am ridiculous, while everyone else is trying to be so serious and hard and rap. it was nice to hear real music from my friends of the past. love in my heart. 2 cups remain standing. 3 are down, indeed, much has been lost and spilled. I was contemplating today how sad it is people are appreciated after they pass. and i thought of how Kathy joshs mom said Nanny said something similar. and i think how i had a card i never sent her, with cactus on it, when i was in napa, but shit got serious and i never could send it, and then i just ended up keeping it, and i think i gave it away to salvation army in a little cheap gold frame idk? like the conflict to let go or follow through, and when somethings old and passed.. and when that energy isnt the same.... it traps me up. but honestly i dont have love for her or for any of his family anymore. i did talk of kathy today to this lady whos next to me’s son earlier when he came in and was friendly, came in again when his moms here and hes so pissy and confrontational like trying to diss me for what? you JUST came in here being nice and whatever and then like hell bent on being an asshole for why? what the hell did i do to you? whatsup with these bipolar men? you aint even a man 21 yrs old so pissy wtf... i sure hope i have better dealings with my daughter when shes a teenager. this kid is retarded anyway, making fun of a handicapped man in front of a woman he talks to.. he was happy to start talkin to me.. and this kid had to just ruin it and diss him for no reason, i wish i would have spoke up about how disrespectful that was and how he made HIMSELF look bad and lost respect for HIMSELF. but i was on vistaril, and the thoughts were there but not the execution. thats why i dont like drugs. plus i couldnt sleep and it made me stuffy in my throat and neck and lymph system aiy im not having it leave my body alone with this shit! youre not pushing this shit on me i will be heard! its a struggle!!!

but ay this kid made my body uncomfortable, stress response with his petty bullshit like damn wtf? gtfo. teenagers for real need to go on a rite of passage, like in the old days. it is NOT RIGHT to have them around!! i truly TRULY believe that! its not healthy for anyone involved!! let them go... let them spread their wings and fly.. let them run into a tree.. let them feel that pain against the night sky, alone, and figure out what to do all by their damn selves! they want to. theyd prefer it. no teenager wants to be trapped. why do we work against nature? can we do something about this? what can we do? what social structure can we put in place to make these wrongs right? I mean, the army is the only way for a young boy or girl to go off on their own? or college- but how appealing is that for a lot of kids, after 15 years of the school system FOR REAL WTF!

I stand for a better world, thats what I stand for. I have incredible morals and ideals, as my venus in sagittarius would suggest. in the 3rd house.. communication, short distance travel, siblings... thats what that house rules, i cant remember what else. I feel that brotherhood sisterhood of humanity... HUMAN KIND... BE A KIND HUMAN.. like that shirt i saw someone post on tumblr yesterday! SO CUTE! I need that shirt! Id buy it if i had money! HUMANKIND. perfect. yes i am a humanitarian and i love specifically, FIRE it is FIRE with which I LOVE !! SPECIFICALLY higher ideals, higher learning.... long distance travel/exploration/being carefree and adventurous... DIVA, its said, also. yes. I do seek to bring humanity what I have learned. What I have worked so hard to acquire.. understanding.. better ways.. “alternative” methods... theres so many people suffering, people who want help but the help that is offered is no good.... i want to be a person that helps. i always have. but i have assessed. i have reflected over and over, the past, what i have done wrong or why things have gone wrong or bad. Its really simple when you realize. You cant help someone who doesnt want help. This is something we hear a lot. So I realized, that Ive wasted to effort or time when, there ARE people out there who would appreciate and benefit from me... i COULD be of value.... i really havent been... im just ari to these people called friends and family. a nobody truly, respected for nothing really, just appreciated for who i am and being there but its just on a shallow level like anyone could really do that, whatever i did, i feel. i dont feel appreciated by my friends and family- i dont. i truly believe this is NOT just a feeling, but reality. and i face it. and i accept it. i accept people i have loved... just dont care, and dont see my depth or care to seek it for themselves or match me in my devotion or dedication to excelling in various ways, of serving, of growing, of giving, of loving. i am tired of being alone, amongst people that supposedly care for me. Adults have only cared what i can do for them. Only children appreciate me on a level that is reciprocated, on a level that i recieve anything nurturing or feel value in interacting... i DONT... i dont find value in interacting with adults really. I still do it. I enjoy conversating. but really i could take it or leave it. i appreciate the interactions and conversations, but i really dont care at the same time. i am desperate for attention and aware of it and not seeking it, i know where i come from, i know ive been a people pleaser, i know ive lacked genuine human connection and interaction. i know this. i prefer to be a loner. i like to laugh and interact. its cool. but children are what light me up, children are what serves me, fills me up, fills my cup. So the two cups are Ayla and Imani really, if we want to be symbolic about it in that way. They are kinda like the only people I truly care for. I have shed everyone else. Even Megan. our interaction was vitally important for me, to have a friend to talk to via internet, but im done caring.... its just happened. maybe it would have happened anyway, i think it would have, but it sticks out in my mind how she said she thinks i have to let go of ayla. ill let go of you bitch. i laid my life on the line for you and she dont fully realize that even though i have told her, tried to tell her in the most humble way possible just showing my heart and what my intentions were. but really let go of my daughter? i mean i did. i DID. makes no difference. i mean, i understand though..... i remember being in Napa with my toddler Ayla and Megan struggling being sober and quitting smoking and using Lavender essential oil all the time, but first i remember how scary her situation was and how scared i was for her, i stood for her, i stood to be strong and support her, but i wont lie the situation didnt look good, and im sure thats how she and everyone else sees me. my strength or true work has not been evident. being a loser has only been evident. but i dont care, i work and work.... they are all basic to me.... i care of course, i mean i wish things coulda been different but im over it i accept what is. and im actually glad i havent been held down by taking care of a child who will ultimately be unhappy and take me for granted.. like how could i ever make it? i wouldnt be able to focus on anything. and i havent made financial career progress as much as ive needed to.. it hurts me that i should be farther along BUT IM NOT. I havent had the support Ive needed. and if i focused on my career and pushed all this aside... neglected my inner child... NOT delved into creativity.... NOT been true and real and fought to be sober when the adults will all tell me i need to be on pills or i need to do this or that.... i realize now i am a true leader... i have power and peace and presence others do not have... because they have not put the work into it.... what ive put work into is transcendental...it is invisible, mostly unrewarded work. it has real effects.. i mean i had to.. i had to find my own way... forge my own strength. How can one just listen to what others tell them to do? Be a slave? Be a slave to those who hurt me? Obey those who hurt me? Who are blind? Perpetuate this awful cycle of doing what you have to do, and have no joy and work and drink alcohol and tell the kids to go play and leave me alone for real NO hell fucking no. children are beautiful gifts. and these people here.... they do not know how to handle their children, a lot of them, its the typical shit i see everyday. like really. youre not even going to enjoy your kid? just drag them along a miserable life, filled with have to’s? wheres the joy? i wana be around joy and strength and presence and VITALITY! i want a man that cooks for real. and loves and smiles and dances, and is weird a little but also so hott. like i deserve that, no? im really waiting for that situation where i would be of value with WHO I AM and what i have worked so hard to be... this shit aint free! i aint just frollocking around being carefree like people may think, fucking around, not being serious.... I guess im Low key serious.... Low key mike.. low key.. ive thought of him. but im let it go. last time i tried to just send him love he pissed me off and the vibe i had for him changed, i wished i had just left it at appreciating him in my heart, and left out the part where i express it. yeah. shit like that be so frustrating. thats what i dont need is just shit to spoil my day however little and petty or huge and devastating. anyway i was appreciated for things, mostly for listening and being intelligent and witty and beautiful and my body and sex and my effort in cleaning and love for the doggies etc....but it wasnt enough.. he was a drain on me... like a boat with a hole in it, where i have to continuously slosh out the water coming in whilst cleaning bugs off the boat and making sure dogs dont jump off and blah im done just really wow the effort... the draining... the complete draining of my energy... how fast it can go from good to terrible and dangerous for my health..... have to build trust over time.... i will not have sex with a man until we date for awhile... ill say.. but i know this may not be true. i chalk this one up to online, really. if i met him in person, we would have not connected i truly believe that. its only because we started out text messeging, saw each others hearts, but real, NOT compatible. emotionally yes and love yes- we totally experienced what astrology has to say... if he wants to be ignorant thats his perogative, most men dont accept astrology. they think they create themselves so much ahahaha i laugh everytime i say that. they are so stupid. but not all. some believe and see it to be true or to have merit. I sure ventured off from topic of 5 of cups... or did I? its all related. its a ramble. im flowing. man i wish i could relax though. time to hum. man i wish there was good food to eat. nourishing soup. please. PLEASE LORD feed me some good food that will do me good. i need soup so bad. I am totally finding a restaraunt tomorrow and demanding i do dishes or something, in exchange for some soup. I just wonder whats around besides fast food places. Ill have to take the bus probably. I need good food. I feel like I am dying. I dont get the right medicine, the right food..... i just have to be thankful for what i do got. im poor, money wise.. health wise i am also poor majority of the day.. its awful i really hope this changes soon its hard.... im gona lay down.. but its already been 5 hours since ive eaten dinner... i do have crackers... processed crap.. hopefully my body likes it.. man i havent had fruit in HOW LONG. or yogurt. i need yogurt.

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amuelle · 7 years ago

Text

Surprise, surprise…YOU ARE the poison.

We are officially in 2019. All the people who were being cut off in 2019 have been cut off. You might just be the toxic person and now you have to deal with knowing you aren’t that great. As I just found out recently….

(Names were changed in the production of this post to protect the identity of participants…but she knows who she is and I’m not sorry….)

I think it’s important to maintain relationship and it’s not difficult to do. I’ve always prided myself on being a great communicator and maintaining relationships. I know I’m not the easiest person to love or get to know. It also takes a lot to get past my initial ‘hard’ exterior. Deep down inside past the sarcasm and smart mount…I’m really a sweetheart….Really. Its something I have complete security in. I know this about myself, I am a great communicator and friend. I was absolutely certain about it but I recently found out that that is not the experience that everyone has had with me. I rarely make new friends, however on occasion you meet someone who can make a valuable contribution to your life in the form of a new friend. I met this one lady – Lola, a long time ago when we were kids. We only became friends when a mutual friend reintroduced us in our 20s. We became a girl gang who hung out every weekend and grew close over a few years and it was a great time.

Part of adulating is accepting you aren’t always a ray of sunshine, you too can be a trash human being at times. Just because you don’t think something about yourself or are convinced you are a great human being that doesn’t make it true. Let me make a personal example – I know I’m loving and know how to show love. Just because I think I’m loving that doesn’t mean that everyone in my life agrees with that. It doesn’t also mean that that’s how they experience me. My belief that I’m loving doesn’t negate the negative experiences people have had with me.

Recently….well not recently, Lola cut me off a long time ago but my slow ass only caught off after actually confronting the issue with her. We had a spat and I still admit I acted like a dick and I apologised for it when I realised where I had gone wrong. I apologised profusely. I apologised like I was Ruben Studdard and it was 2004, like Kobe did when he was caught cheating….I APOLOGISED…On more than one occasion and I thought we were solid but this was not the case. After noticing her distance herself I decided to reach out because maybe she was just living her life and still wanted to be homies. She didn’t respond to my text and I started to worry but I didn’t have the courage to address it. So it persisted to bother me and finally I reached out again and still no response but this time a bitch had some balls and asked why I was being ghosted. She finally responded saying “Because you are ill-tempered and thus incapable of communicating your hurt without being hurtful or catty to other people. This is my experience of you and I would rather not deal with that kind of energy”

(ROW OF SHOCKED EMOJIS AND SIDE EYE)

(THIIIIIIS BITCH)

I’ll admit that I was shocked and I wanted to further engage in the conversation but then it HIT me, she was right. In this specific scenario I was the poison. I had been a dick to her and she didn’t want to deal with me which was super fair. Did I agree with her a hundred percent, no not at all (let’s say vehemently disagree because I’m fucking awesome) but that didn’t matter because for her she had decided and she had cut me off.

I’ve seen that meme all over the socials about how if I’m the poison in your life don’t feel bad about cutting me off, we are grown and self care is important and blah blah blah….ABSOLUTE SHIYYYYTE! That shit hurts. It hurts, you will feel blindsided especially if you thought the issue was resolved. You may or may not get mad and you might want to act in the exact way that you got cut off in the first place. And that is EXACTLY what I did…..I totally did. I let my lil ill-tempered ass get to work. She clearly hadn’t thought it was of any value to notify me she didn’t want to be friends anymore and I wasn’t about to beg another woman like she gives me rounds. If I hadn’t apologised sincerely more than once I would get it but alas we were here now and a bitch got pride. After she gave me the answer I needed I also ghosted her. Then proceeded to delete her off ALL social media, whatsapp groups, deleted the reminder for her little birthday… I was all DELETE, no pause!

The deleting was definitely a knee jerk reaction. However I am NOT willing to swallow my pride and go back to talking to her about it because I am the POISON. It doesn’t mean I should just lay down and die. What exactly would I be trying to negotiate there???? I’ll tell you what, NOTHING!!!! Not one thing because she doesn’t want my friendship and that’s not a bad thing at all. Effectively, this person just said she wants nothing to do with me and that means everything relating to our former friendship had to change. I couldn’t be the only one in it and by keeping her number and keeping her on social media was just that. It’s a break up, break ups suck but they also teach you things. I am ill-tempered and don’t communicate well when I’m hurt.…BUT WHO DOES??? How many people can say at the height of experiencing the emotions that come with betrayal or an invasion of their privacy they will talk in a calm rational and thoughtful manner? I can’t say that for myself. In fact the person who can communicate their hurt that way, I’d like to meet. I’d like to shake their hand, sponsor their life and follow them like people used to follow The Grateful Dead….. (And I’m serious!) As for being catty…shiiiiiit….I wrote that book, wrote the movie adaptation, executive produced the sound track and there is talk of a theater production. Yes, YES, YES she was right.

It takes a minuet for you to realise that your feelings are making you act a certain way. That certain way might make you not to be the most gracious human being. That said that text made me feel like I hadn’t grown, changed or learnt anything since. She drew a conclusion and it was a fair one because that was her experience. I don’t have to like it for it to be true. I am NOW not quick to be a dick but that doesn’t mean irrevocable damage wasn’t already done. I don’t dispute that at all and nor do I wanna change her mind. I’m only human and I made a mistakes. Just because you apologise it doesn’t mean the other person is obligated to accept your apology. Not only that, they are not obligated to try grow through something with you. They don’t owe you anything….(let that sink in, lets also repeat it for the people who read and don’t absorb immediately…..NO ONE OWES YOU A DAMN THING!)

Now rudely awoken to my toxic traits I am obligated to do better. My problem is/was that I need to use my words better at all times, especially when I’m upset. It’s not fair to lash out but it’s also impossible to gauge how you will react when your privacy is invaded or you feel betrayed. We all have knee jerk reactions and sometimes it hurts the people around us. BUT!!!!!!!! And this is a big BUTT… I mean stripper from Atlanta round and brown big. You are HUMAN!!! You will make mistakes and if you don’t grow from them then you deserve to be cut off and then cut off again coz you know better but don’t do better.

Someone can experience you in a certain phase of your life and assume that’s who you are. That’s who you were at that moment maybe when you aren’t heated you aren’t that person. That doesn’t matter. How many of us go back to the stove to get burnt some more after having been burnt? You won’t go back to get brunt again, but you still need to use the stove to cook. You just now need to be more careful. It’s crazy and irrational to think someone would see poisonous traits in you and stick around to see IF you change. There is no guarantee that once the issue has been raised and apologies exchanged that you will change. If they don’t give you the chance to show them you have changed, you aren’t their lover and even if you were they have every right to still leave you if you are not fulfilling your mandate. Don’t be selfish enough to think anyone is obligated to put up with your torture.

Torture yourself and let the rest of us LIVE!!! That said in this situation since I am the poison I have to understand that I was the weakest link. Even though I felt slated because in her other friendships she had given chances and let others change and grow to be better. In our situation maybe she reached her breaking point quicker or our friendship wasn’t that important to her such that we could try work through things. I’ve decided to KTSE( Keep The Same Energy). If you don’t want to try with me I’m not going to try convince you I am worth it. I already know I am (wow that whole paragraph sounds so defensive….oh well)

At this point It’s not about loses and gains, it’s all about peace of mind. Lola did what she had to do. By asking and her telling me she is done with me, it gave me what I needed too. I’m solid right now. I absolutely prefer this to the purgatory of a one side friendship. I know better now and my intension is to always be cognisant of the way I deliver a message even when I’m hurt. You have been cut off for a reason and that reason should be a starting point for you being a better human being.

At the time of writing this I hadn’t seen her in a LONG LONG time. When I finally did, I was with a mutual friend and I avoided her like the plague. If I saw her left, I went right, like I was playing ‘you can’t catch me’ and that was the ill-tempered petty in me…I feel fine about it because it’s good to know we are nothing to each other. I am also grateful she showed me that I need to do better and I intend to do so.

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