#so like i actually have to be disallowed from comfort normal people get to function without being a problem for others

[c0rpseductor]

i love having bpd bc ill feel rejected for the dumbest most nonsensical shit in the universe and know that if i open my mouth to ask for reassurance i'll sound like a disgusting clingy hysteric and have to just sit there biting off my own tongue and swallowing it. because my brain is broken and makes me think people hate me and tries to get me mad at them over shit like the punctuation in their texts or whatever. and also society believes i am biologically evil because of this

[neureaux]

having a weird time with sleep lately, that lingering feeling of not being safe here since the break-in hasn’t gone regardless of what i know but i’ve been feeling okay! i’ve been reading a bunch today, and i’m going to try to get an early night. i still haven’t managed to sleep in my bedroom again yet, i’m not really likely to be able to without my partner i don’t think but that’s fine. i’ve decided that it’s actually alright if i end up have to set up camp with a bunch of pillows on the sofa until i leave, i’ll play it by ear but i’d rather not set unnecessary additional goals or stressors for myself and i’m not going to put myself through an even sharper increase in panic and sleepless nights because of where people that don’t 1. live with me or 2. understand post traumatic stress disorder might think i ‘should’ be sleeping for the remainder of my time at this apartment, y’know? it’s about where i’m at at the end of the day!

anyhow since i’ve come home, i’ve had to kind of shrug off my pride and really start from the bottom up with rebuilding my routines, so i’ve started really basic with stuff like scheduling meals to cook to make sure that i eat enough and eat healthily and remembering to always shower regularly and brush my teeth(yeah, i know.) and i’ve built myself a little daily hygiene standard routine just for whilst things are a bit tough(and upped my daily dental care routine to prep for dental work soon), and i’ve been taking extra time for skin care and hair care every night as well as a bit of exercise, kind of to get myself used to caring for myself properly again whilst i’m here. it’s interesting bc i didn’t really feel this disjointed or have issues with executive function or many basic issues whilst i was away, both at the retreat or last week in bordeaux, i was just working through my actual feelings and stressors themselves fully functionally, or practising self care, still cooking as normal, taking care of things and wandering around and communicating with people generally but as soon as i step foot in here, at this apartment, i feel like i’m in this foggy, heavy but also painfully alert state and i don’t even want to get out of bed at all, you know?

i find that being here can make me feel a lot of stuff, one big part of those feelings being a quiet sense of like irrational futility or this kind of sinking, helpless feeling in my heart, along with like resulting emotional exhaustion and heaviness from that and so whilst i’m waiting and doing what i can and preparing to move homes, i have to keep the fact that i feel those things here in mind so that i can pivot and start from the ground up to combat that and send myself a different message, remind myself that i’m not helpless, there is a point and this is genuinely a temporary situation, it’s just going to feel that way for a while - so that i can repair my emotional foundation and build on it until i can finally leave this space and the feelings that i have when i’m here. i know that everything else that happened last winter contributes to that feeling of heaviness/helplessness too, and the stuff with my partner flying out and leaving for so long just as i hit bottom and i quietly slunk off to the retreat has, admittedly, really hit my self esteem and confused me, but these are things that i can work through and i need to give myself some time, and i’ve gotta remember that.

i also realise that the assailant has definitely ruined this place for me, but i think i’m okay with it, like i can accept that y’know? i just need to make sure that i can take care of myself whilst i still have to be here and disallow those facts from stopping me from managing until i’ve moved to a new apartment. besides!! there are a lot of good/lovely things that will come with that once it’s all finalised, like decorating again and nesting, taking precautions to make sure that i’m more secure and getting insurance to give myself even more peace, and being able to start fresh in a place that doesn’t feel like the safety and sanctity has been compromised this way, y’know? a fresh, new and personal space to start my learning journey at university again and move towards my dream job, as well as to work on rebuilding my self-esteem in comfort and safety. it’ll be really positive in the long run, and knowing that helps me to work on my foundations and bring myself through to the other side of this as whole as i can be. i just need to patch myself up from the ground up! and as much as i’m embarrassed about where i have to start, it’s working well and i’ve already started adding in attending and booking appointments nearby, running my errands and doing a little bit of tidying around the house at a time back into my schedule and things are levelling out at least. i know i’m going to be okay, i just need to take it a step at a time, focus on a few things at a time and try to keep the space around me as peaceful as i can as i go through all this. i can recover from 2018 if i stay in tune with myself, pay attention to my needs properly - even the basic ones - and work towards my goals and the foundations for them. just my goals and my peace, that’s it lol! that’s all i can ask for at the moment!