#sobpersonalpost

[sobwritesthings]

Some things about me

My guilty pleasure shows are standup comedies yeah like I didn't expect to like John Mulaney's Baby J but I did. Also Impractical Jokers (their stuff leaves me going "I can't believe they just said that" aaa I love it)

I love songs that sound like people talking ish because they're easy to sing along to

I love songs that have a very band-like sound if that makes sense? Like when the drums hit hard or when the sounds are so music. Yeah love those

I love romantic comedies. My favorite ones would have to be 27 dresses, Set It Up, Confessions of a Shopaholic, and recently I enjoyed Destination Wedding! It was so well done but I feel not everyone would appreciate it. I also

Love Keanu Reeves. What a man.

I like making things because it's the closest thing to magic and the only thing I can do with the love I have in my heart. I feel it got worse when Darren died. There's not enough words in the world to bring him back and not enough gifts to show how important his presence in my life was. I guess I started giving more because they're only in my life for so long. Not just due to death but because of stuff like distance, dreams, obligations, etc. I'm not the best at keeping in touch.

My favorite color is gray actually not green. Maybe out of sentimentality. I feel like I look good in it but because of the weather I don't wear it a lot. It's two things like me, a color made out of non colors.

I don't date because I don't think I feel love like normal people. I don't know. I think it's nice but then get confused. I guess I've never really seen myself with anyone. I think people want to be loved so bad they settle for anything. I can't see myself wanting something like that (well, now at least). I've been alone my whole life. I don't think another person would make much of a difference.

A lot of my emotional support non-fiction people have killed themselves, died young, lived in solitude. Anthony Bourdain. Sylvia Plath. Mac Miller. Franz Kafka. Fernando Pessoa. How do I tell them years later it doesn't really change that much? How are they still making sense? Why can't I be more normal?

I write out this list because lately no one cares enough to ask. No one really wants to know. I'm sorry.

[sobwritesthings]

I play this small scenario in my head where you call me on Christmas or New Year's. Both holidays have passed, and I haven't heard your voice. Not even a message in my inbox. It's like a preview for when the saucers come, you probably won't even bother to call.

Dunya Mikhail, ‘The New Year’, The War Works Hard (trans. Elizabeth Winslow)

[Text ID: “There is a knock at the door. How disappointing… It is the New Year and not you.”]

[sobwritesthings]

I'm trying to cut them out why won't they leave me alone?

Maybe this is my karma

[sobwritesthings]

Dear Anthony, Lately my brain has been doing this cruel thing where it plays every moment i've felt invisible to Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want. In my dreams I'm losing both arms. I'm at the backseat of my bestfriend's mom's car. I'm in the aquarium. I'm alone watching a table. My brother's are in the next room laughing together. I'm alone watching the stuff as they take pictures. I'm talking but they're on their phone. I'm the negative weight dropped when my friend needed healing. I reach out and there's nothing to hold on to. Why do I do this to myself? Why doesn't anyone care enough to notice? -08/10/2023

[sobwritesthings]

A weird feeling washes over me every time I see the area I live in on TV. Is this how they us? When they wanna show people coming from a difficult place I see the outline of our familiar buildings. One of Lorde's songs used to say "We live in cities you never see onscreen" but what if I do? What if I wish I didn't? Are we monsters? Do our gates solicit pity? When they turn the corner and find me there, do they also wish I was somewhere better? I fear a bit if my friends would watch the movie and recognize it. It might change the way they look at me. You could only live in the loser set for so long.

-08/10/2023 10:20pm

[sobwritesthings]

Books I lost to termites

stuff I have to repurchase because i need them in my personal collections:

American Gods, Good Omens, Smoke and Mirrors, Coraline (i lost this) - Neil Gaiman

LOTR - Tolkien

Wicked - Gregory Maguire

Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy - Douglas Adams

I also had this gorgeous illustrated book of Greek myths my uncle gave to me when I was in highschool it looked like this:

The termites did give me an excuse to throw out a book I've been wanting to get rid of for a while. It was necessary. I've held on to it for too long. Sometimes goodbyes really are good.

[sobwritesthings]

recently my bird had died and our tv in the living room stopped working. September starting off strong with so much goodbyes. I want to rip up his card and open the gift for myself.

-2023.09.09 10:04pm

[sobwritesthings]

Books queue (to buy)

All My Lonely Islands - VJ Campilan

America is in the Heart - Carlos Bulosan

Dogeaters - Jessica Hagedorn

Good Dog - Mabek Kawsek

If Not, Winter - Sappho

Man and His Symbols - Carl Jung

Manila Noir - Jessica Hagedorn

In Sisterhood - Lualhati Bautista

State of War - Ninotchka Rosca

Stories of a Bitter Country - Ninotchka Rosca

[sobwritesthings]

Last hour of being 26. I played this game called Birth where you solve puzzles to find spare parts to build a partner because of the loneliness of living in the city. I finished it in a few hours after coming home from an exhausting trip to Binondo with my mom (I felt the physical toll of aging along with my lack of physical activity (oops) hahshahs i love hanging out with my mom). My alternate plan if I were not to go out with her today was to visit a comics fair alone and find myself a gift. I'm glad I came across Birth. The art style is very beautiful and interesting while the puzzles were so fun complete. I felt very excited as we were putting all the parts together. Solving the final puzzle until they were complete. One of the last actions of the game is to move the partner closer to you as you both sit on the couch. I hope I get better in the next year. May I find someone with a warm wet heart irl.

-04.01.2023 11:12pm

[sobwritesthings]

Dear Anthony,

I remember again that time you asked me if I had any friends. Of course, I have friends. I said it so confidently. We're all adults with our own lives, I don't expect to hangout as frequent as we did back in the day. It still bothers me, though. That face you made haha I thought talk therapists shouldn't judge. However, now that I think about it, I really don't come running to my friends when things go wrong. I ask for recommendations mostly like for sunscreen or things to watch but when it comes to problems like maybe, money, yeah, I kind of leave that out.

My friends, you see, a lot of them maybe can only relate to me to some extent. Like for example, they can understand my emotional states however never my financial situation. They can understand my financial situation, but they don't understand my thoughts and how I word them out. They would give me this look almost saying, Now how did you come up with that? On top of everything, I feel no one gets my issues with love and relationships in general.

Anyway, lately I've been feeling the financial pressure more than usual from my mom. We need to find a new place to live within 5 years. She wants a house. She could've gotten a house if she didn't marry my father probably. He always brags about how much he makes, how successful he is, all the shit he buys for himself, but that's all he does it for: himself. A house nowadays costs 15m and that's either not big enough in my current city or very nice and also very far from the places we're used to. Not to mention I would probably be paying for this my whole life and would have to live with my parents my whole life. I feel really fucked over. I should be working on my life right now but I'm held back by what they want. What they failed to provide for each other. My mom also mentioned (jokingly but it still stung) how I should consider working abroad again for maybe 5 years to raise the money for her house.

Have you ever worked abroad? It's something else. I do miss it, the independence, the better transportation, the weather, more choices and of course, the views. The loneliness is intense, though. I experienced the loudest silence when my ipad would power down. Music had to always play otherwise I could feel myself choke. I'd think, If I died right now, no one would know. How would I get home? I wish I could have it easier. In even just one aspect of my life, let me have a good thing that doesn't have any but's attached to it. I want to look at it and think, Thank god for this at least.

-06.03.2023 9:38pm

[sobwritesthings]

I have a cousin that recently got a girlfriend.

It was strange having everyone look at me with the visible question of "Oh, what's wrong with you?". If cousin A could get a girlfriend, why couldn't you? Majority of my family have coupled up. My cousins from my one aunt are getting married this year and next year. I don't know why it triggered a crisis within me. I've been alone all my life. At one point I imagined myself dying each time someone tells me "You're next" with pity in their eyes. Maybe it's because I feel so far behind. I feel like when the first wedding comes, it'll be even worse.

My mother once mentioned how disgusted she was with the idea of a parent burying their child. Now I can't even rely on her for that.. I have to work out a system for down the road. Recently I have been having dreams again of me visiting the aquarium. I tell this figure next to me about how it feels. I see the fish and they understand. I always cry during these dreams. Probably because when I turn to look back at my side, the figure is not there. They never were. Turns out, I had gone to the aquarium alone, and a flashback starts of every place that were my aquarium before. A grassy field that resembles this one from a nearby university. The bench where I would watch people dance. A coffee shop in Maginhawa. This park in BGC at night. I'm always alone. I can't even imagine someone to stand next to me.

-02/24/2023 07:34pm

[sobwritesthings]

My package came today and it's the prettiest thing i own!!! I can't wait to wear it out (.❛ ᴗ ❛.)

-02.02.2023 3:53pm

[sobwritesthings]

I took a sick leave today since my body gave up on working for the audition non-stop for the last few weeks. It was a fun few weeks, but my throat started to hurt, and I could feel a fever coming on. I took things slow today. I watched a few episodes of the Community, ate some 2-day old pasta, practiced some make up, and lastly, wrapped the last of my gifts. These are my favorite set of gifts; I got the woven towels with their names on them each with their favorite color (I hope I got them right). A part of me feels sad looking at it. It's late in January yet no one has agreed on a day to meet up. I hate to think that my next blink will send me to June, and my stack of presents still sit at the corner of my room. How can we love people if they don't show up? Why do I feel like I have to apologize for wanting some of their time?

-01/23/2023 5:05pm

[sobwritesthings]

2023 Jan Update

It seems silly but the new year came with a refreshed enthusiasm or maybe it's because I have found a new skill to learn. I decided to try and audition for something, and it's been the most excited I've been in a while. I have learned so much since deciding though I hope to retain it through the year. <3

-01.15.2023 11pm

[sobwritesthings]

Taken from a tiktok by @/jesterzzzzzz here

I came across this photo set today with this terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. My hope for a fresh start suddenly pointless. I hate how bad I want it. I found myself crying in the shower because in hindsight, nothing has changed. The chances of death are still more likely than feeling loved in a real way. In the gentle, kind way that I think I deserve. I want to be seen and understood so bad, but when I reach for someone, there's no one there. It is my fault though; I shoot myself in the foot every chance I get.

Taken from @/onenhillion tiktok here

Then this slide came on from another post, and I was reminded by a good friend. I felt like Darren, for some reason, knew I was going to that place again, so he sent a message. I should probably limit my time on socmed, I find myself getting worse the longer I stay on it. I shall do my best this year to find some more offline hobbies and work on myself.

I turn 27 this year. A lot of greats die at that age. We'll have to see, I guess.

-01/01/2023 07:09pm

[sobwritesthings]

Smart and other things

Today I applied for a postpaid plan. I've been working for 5 years and it's come to mind that maybe it's time. My line of reasoning had always been, "it's cheaper to use prepaid" and "it's just a small inconvenience to add balance but in the long run, you save a lot!" but recently I had given in to a lot of firsts and maybe I deserved the comfort. The sim registration is easier with a postpaid plan, not to mention in times of emergencies, I could always call a landline or whatever other network if needed. I also needed a new phone since my current one has started to slow down. I feel sad about replacing it though. My samsung a50s was bought before I left for Lisbon. I took a lot of fond memories in my phone from translating labels, plotting out maps, and taking videos of things I could only dream of seeing. I feel if I move on from it, that part of my life has come to a close. Maybe if I keep it a big longer, I can still feel the excitement from living on my own, with bigger things ahead of me, come back.

It was just an application. There are still a few weeks before it's finalized, and the change begins. I did feel a little grown up going through the whole process. Another thing I can tick off that I've done on my own.

When I left the store, I got some fun things from a small bazaar just outside the mall. I got a white jade ring (it was said to be lucky next year) that was blessed with rings from a Tibetan bowl and some books from a secondhand bookstore. I've always loved books. I was torn between getting Stephen Hawking's A Brief History of Time, David Sedaris' Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk, against other classics I've been wanting like Pride and Prejudice. It was no contest however against Neil Gaiman's Fragile Things and Jostein Gaarder's Sophie's World. Both books had been on my wishlist for a long time. It was such a simple day. Even now that I've wrapped the gifts I bought from the shops, I feel lighter. I can't wait to give it to them. Until then though, the year has to end.

-12/28/2022